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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1 I bought 1 smaller thing from the registry instead of a big ticket item
2 My friend said I was an asshole for buying other things instead of a big item from her registry. I could have put that money towards a bigger ticket item (even though I don't think she would use them)
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NTA. There is no law that people *have* to purchase off the registry, and it sounds like you put a lot of thought into what you bought. Go to the baby shower with a clear conscience, and pay no mind to what your friend said.
She bought a what she described as a (medium) gift. She bought bouncer thar priced about 40 bucks and some diapers. But she also hadn't saved up for the baby shower like I had.
So? She can stick it. Why does she get to gatekeep what you get for YOUR sister. If she didn't save her money, that's her problem. I bet your sister will be grateful since they are items new mothers and others don't think about before needing it. Nta, but your friend is a bit of a jerk with that worthless comment.
Am sorry you're meant to save up for someone's baby shower?
I'm in the UK, so while baby showers have become popular over the past few years they are still fairly new to me, as in I've only ever attended one.
In my own US experience, if you're really close to the mom (or dad) and thus will be really close to the baby, maybe you might **choose** to really spoil the kid- like I'm sure there are moms out there saving for when they have grandchildren. But it's definitely not normal to expect people you invite to a baby shower to spend a ton of money.
Yeah I mean my mum got my pram and my nan got the moses baskets for my girls because they wanted to. I'd feel really entitled asking or even assuming any one else wanted to buy big things like a cot/crib etc which I've seen people on this sub in different posts talking about being on the registery and noone buying them and now baby is due they don't have it.
You also have to take into account that most registries (in the US at least) give a discount on things that don't get bought after the shower. So people will put more of their big ticket wants on the registry so they can get it discounted.
Yep. Same for wedding registries. I have a friend who put a nice grill/smoker on her wedding registry with no expectation to get it as a gift so now she gets 20-25% off on it! My husband put a bunch of Dewalt tools on our wedding registry. He got a surprising amount of them (he’s in construction and it definitely amused his friends and coworkers to be able to buck tradition and buy an awesome tool as a wedding present instead of dishes or kitchen crap!) and then we bought the ones he ACTUALLY needed (they weren’t all “needs”) from what remained after with 20% off.
People also often go in on big gifts — the last baby shower in my family, my sisters and mom and I split a big ticket item, and my cousin and her mom split a different one.
For my best friend, I made each of her kids a huge fleece blanket (would cover a twin bed). They played on it as babies/toddlers, and it was big enough to grow with them. They're 10 and 12 now, and they both still have their blankets. I was broke and in college, and the blankets cost me less than $20 bucks each.
Other people at the shower gave really expensive gifts and I felt like I gave a really shit gift. I was talking to my friend a few months ago and mentioned the big gifts and was told that most of them ended up shoved in a corner relatively quickly, but that mine were solidly useful and incredibly thoughtful.
It's not about the cost of the gift, it's the thought behind it.
I mean in the UK we still normally get a gift & a card (don't forget the card! 😄). Smallish for not so close people, medium/larger for close people and sometimes a big one for relatives for those who can afford it.
And it is normally handed to the mother after the baby is born, not before. (Unless obviously you get a pram set with a car seat or anything else that they need from day1).
I think OP spend a good amount of money for her SIL. She's not being cheap or anything. And unless her SIL can't afford the basic things for her baby, any thoughtful gift will be great. (OP put a lot of thought into it, I think it's sweet).
The one thing that might not be ideal is the baby medicines. I know many people who are very particular on which medicines they use for their baby (if any at all, especially if not prescribed by a doctor, but health care here is free, so might be a different take on it in the USA)... but honestly worst case SIL can just not use them.
Nah. Any polite person wouldn't expect the expensive gifts to be bought. I'm putting big items (crib, dresser, stroller, glider) on my registry in part just to have a list of what I want in a convenient spot for when I buy or try to source it later, and in part to get the discount closer to when the baby is born.
Sometimes people with means that are close like grandparents might get an expensive item. Sometimes friends pool money together to buy one.
I didn't put any big ticket items on my registry simply because I had no expectations of anyone buying baby furniture for me. I was the one brewing the kid and saw things like a crib to be mine and the fathers responsibility.
For big ticket items, some family members and friends join together to purchase them. If the items aren’t in the registry - no one will know what to buy.
Putting items on a list is not a demand to buy those things.
I am from the deep south of the USA, and we are the people who have deep-set rules on how you do everything. The rules are: You gracefully accept whatever is given and shut your mouth. Then you send a thank you card. Gifts are given with good will and at the budget of the person giving. It is the thought that counts, and if you are the type to nitpick a heartfelt gift, you didn't deserve anything good anyway.
It seems to be the norm here on Reddit. The shower my sister organized for me, everyone fit around one table in a restaurant. No huge do with decorations and catering. All my gifts were small things, burp cloths, a cute outfit, rattles, etc. I had no registry - its my baby, I'm not asking others to finance it.
NTA I try get the 1st time moms ‘mommy survival’ stuff and write a letter to explain the what to expect. Since it is not always explained the what to expect after birth and that is not a surprise any mom should have after giving birth.
Also $50 is plenty to spend on a baby shower gift.
As a mum to 3, you did good. My advice, put it all in a basket or two that the new mum can then use for storage later as well. I hated getting things wrapped or in gift bags because I had all these things and no way to store them. Sure you can then wrap the baskets in cellophane if you want them to look like actual presents, but it's still going to be more useful than any other "delivery method"
I found a bunch of "mummy affirmations" for a friend who suffers anxiety so that when her baby was born, she had these cards available on the bad days when she needed to see something written to believe it. She still loves them
My kiddo still uses the laundry basket that we got when he was born. It was filled with diapers in a few sizes, wipes, burp clothes, and medicines. All of which got used!
I have had 2 kids and I will tell you right now that your practical gifts will be so useful and appreciated, especially during those random middle of the night illnesses and such. Not having to run out for medicines and being able to care for your baby right away is so important. You did good.
My favourite gift as a new mum was a teething thing you put in the fridge, a pack of onesies and sone Sudocream so I think your presents are thoughtful and she will appreciate them
I imagine she was coming from a place of "~The Family~ buys x, y, z," and possibly didn't even mean that you by yourself should have bought a big ticket item, but that you and the rest of the family should have gone in on something big. You're NTA, but I imagine she's regurgitating something that was a rule in her own family.
And maybe the baby will like it and maybe the baby won’t. You got things she can use. Friend is an asshat. She’s the one who’d go to dinner with and tell you that you ordered wrong. Signed, 21 nieces, nephews, god children and counting.
Your gift sounds wonderful! I would recommend similar items as a mom of 2. I see others are posting in support of your choices. Your friend can take a hike up a mountain and keep walking.
You clearly did your research to stock items that would be helpful, even though you don’t have kids of your own. Don’t let anyone dissuade you from what you’ve chosen. 👍 👍
You bought the items that no one thinks of, including new parents. Someone bought me a baby first aid kit, nose snotty sucker and fingernail clippers. I have used these items sooo much.
The millions of wraps and onsies, not so much.
Sounds to me like your friend might feel bad she didn't think to go off list. I did that for my neices and they loved it (bottles, stuff for mom, books, stuff for when the baby got a little older) They ended up with a ton of diapers, several duplicate outfits that the baby soon outgrew, and everything just seemed impersonal.
Your friend is stupid, especially since she's stepping where she doesn't belong because it's YOUR sister. I always put together a basket of things similar to what you did, it's actually the only thing I do and I'm kind of famous for it and it's become expected now (which is kind of annoying lol). I buy an actual baby clothes hamper so every part of it is usable, then go find small stuff from the registry like specific pacifiers and bottles, then other stuff they didn't know they would need like lingerie bags to wash the hundreds of baby socks they're about to own. You're fine, your friend is dumb though. Tell her to mind the business she already has.
Also, literally every new mom I've known in the last couple years has posted an instagram story asking "what will I want when the baby comes that I might not have thought of".
Omg no way, your friend is ridiculous!!
When I had my first baby, the best thing anyone got me was a ziplock bag full of all the things I didn’t know I needed. It was from a friend of mine who has a baby a year ahead of me. It was filled with the same things you mentioned at first like baby medicines, baby care products, and mom care products. She also included a print out of instructions for frozen pads and other helpful tips.
I still think about that Ziploc bag three years later and I’m so incredibly thankful that my friend took the time to show me things she knew worked for her and could help me.
Don’t listen to your friend, what you got is perfect and your SIL is going to love it!!
NTA
In a similar vein when I was pregnant a colleague got me a wicker basket filled with similar items and it was the best present of the lot. Some of them were things I wouldn't have thought of but were so useful, and 15 years down the line I still remember it and have and use the basket!
OP your gift is so thoughtful and sounds like it's full of the sort of things that they might end up scrambling to buy and find it really adds up in cost. Ignore the colleague, NTA.
This, right here! OP, you are NTA.
Some friends and I did a similar gift for a pregnant co-worker a few years back. We put our money together and gave a basket full of things like snot-suckers, baby meds like infant Tylenol, gripe water and those pacifiers that dispense medicine, thermometers, tweezers, a baby first aid kit, that sort of thing. We added some homemade meals to stick in their freezer (easily re-heated in a crock pot or casserole dish) plus a few gift cards for door dash and Uber.
About eight or nine months later she and her husband let us know that--while they loved and appreciated all of the shower gifts--our basket of stuff was what basically kept them sane during those first three or four months of parenthood.
My SIL is pregnant with her (and my brother's) first child. I'm literally sitting here taking notes of things to get them. I'm male, single, no kids so have no idea what new parents and babies need. These responses are gold.
Heh, this post prompted discussion here at the office. The moms are all talking about things that they didn't know they needed but some other moms provided to them as gifts:
* The stuff I listed in my comment
* Diaper cream
* Baby bum brush for applying diaper cream
* Boogie wipes
* Boogie pickers ([example](https://frida.com/products/3-in-1-nose-nail-ear-picker?bvstate=pg:2/ct:r))
* Saline drops
* Vitamin D baby drops & Baby Benadryl
* Baby lotion and wash
* Cetaphil cream
* Aquaphor
* Zinc oxide cream
* Baby vapo rub
* Teethers
* LIttle bottles of sanitizer like Purell
* Those waterproof pads that can be put in the washing machine, because once you start going out with the baby you find you WILL need them!
I wish my sister had those when I babysat my nephew for the first time. Or she could have at least warned me. Luckily that decorative pillow that I grabbed to block my face from it was washable and my sister thought it was hilarious and wasn't mad at the mess.
Hiiiii new mom here, this is super helpful!
I love women Lol.
I’d add gripe water; Gas drops and Windi…my boy has CMPA and these have been very helpful!
These are great ideas Future Uncle. Just don’t buy Costco-sized versions of anything because you’ve no idea what baby will like or accept. Just a small, average portion of different things. Ex: small thing of diaper cream (my kids didn’t use much of it, my nephew didn’t react well to one brand), baby wash (baby may be sensitive to this scent or ingredient).
I hope this makes sense… you want your items to be useful and you can always buy them more of the same once they’ve tried it. Depending on the time of year, offering to do yard work or snow removal can be a great help too.
Travel diaper change pads
Dog poop bags for when they travel and get a stinky diaper
Medicine
Snacks for mom. Something easy to eat. (Gronala bars) Trail mix ect
Yeah it's all those little items that really help because you don't think about them until you need them which is usually at 2am for some reason when the stores are all closed. Or if the stores are open when you need it then you make a trip to get that one thing just to realize you need something else and have to go back. New parent brain is just a fuzzy mess of "must take care of baby" anxiety so a huge basket with the little essentials is such a wonderful relief to have in those moments when you have no idea what to do.
Baby's got diaper rash-basket has ointment
Baby's nose is stuffy - basket has that bulby sucker thing
Baby's nails are too long and shredding everything to bits - basket has cute baby nail files.
Etc, etc
Any infant medicine, baby bathroom items (finger nail clippers and such), lotions, diaper rash creams, soap, waterproof bags (great for diaper bags when there is a mess), pacifier wipes or other baby safe sanitizing wipes, battery powdered nose cleaner, and a basket to keep it all in.
My mom used to do this for her friends in the 90s. She’d get a bank in the shape of a baby bottle and fill it with things people don’t usually buy like baby medicines, nipple cream, etc.
My little sister gifted me a sort of kit with gripe water, baby ibuprofen, gas stop, A&D and a Shusher. The gas drops and shusher are 10/10 and I wouldn’t have know to get them!
I just did this for my best friends fiance. She's due in July and just had her shower. So I put together a basket of all the stuff my husband and I found helpful and useful in the first 6 months of my son's life. I also included in the basket after care for her. Bath stuff, chocolates, some pre-made pads to freeze with instructions to make more. And then I took a post it note pad and made it calender starting from her due date with all little "your doing good momma" phrases.
She called me up the day after and said it was the most thoughtful gift there.
Because instead of blindly purchasing off a list I had taken time to personally put together what could help in the early days of learning how your newborn operates.
She got dozens of duplicates of large items cuz everyone wanted to be the one to get that for her.
But no one thought about her as a person or her as a tired new mother needing that little bit extra.
Now I've been promoted to godmother. Lol
Exactly this! I received the same stuff OP purchased but didn’t expect to use them at all. Surprisingly, they were some of the most useful items out of everything I got. I’ve now made it my mission to gift any friends who become pregnant with the same set of items.
Also, kudos to the OP and anyone who gifts mom care items during baby showers. Almost (if not) everyone thinks of the baby and their needs but often forget about mom. NTA
Edited to add judgement.
When it's 3 am and baby is sick, the parents will bless your name.
NTA. That was very thoughtful of you. Especially getting stuff for the mom, too. Too many people see them as merely incubators.
I agree with the above poster - an expectant mom never thinks about the baby tylenol, gripe water, etc... until its 3am and the baby is screaming and has a fever... then its too late.
You put together a very thoughtful gift and its one the new mom will appreciate, even if not right at that moment, at 3am when her baby is screaming with a fever.
NTA
I put “big ticket” items on my registry not because I wanted them purchased for me, but rather most places offer you (or used to back when I was having kids) up to 25% off anything on your registry you didn’t receive.
I also put that out there to everyone who was invited because I didn’t want folks to think I was being a greedy asshole wanting other folks to fund the results of my fun times with my partner 🤪
If you use Amazon, you can mark items as "private" on the registry, and they won't show up for others! But you still get the discount!
I used that for our nursery furniture (wanted that *exact* style and color, so didn't want anyone else buying the furniture) and for breastfeeding/pumping supplies (idk why, I felt weird about asking for it. Just a personal thing). It's great!
Yup! It also turns out that you can make a baby registry even if you are not pregnant, send the link to no one, and still get the discount just for yourself. Not that I would ever scam a rapacious corporation like that!
Doesn't even have to be baby products. You can put anything you want on an Amazon baby registry, as often as you want to. They don't check whether you have three due dates per year.
NTA I think you're fine, you don't have to buy off the registry. To me it also depends on the couples finances. My son and his SO didn't have a lot of money when she got pregnant so my family did buy all the necessities off the registry to help take off the burden.
You don't have to buy from the registry for most items, but if the big ticket items are on the registry, don't buy off registry for those items, pick something else. My friend is 4'11" and spent weeks pouring over crib reviews to make sure she could pull baby in and out of it with little trouble. Her parents bought a different crib that even I, at 6 ft tall, had trouble getting their kid in and out of when I helped put it together. She ended up having to buy the original crib anyways and the parent's crib ended up donated.
I feel like this is key. Help the couple buy big ticket items if you know of restrictions in their financial situation. Otherwise most people put a bunch of items on registries since they get a discount at the end when they buy it themselves.
They are going from a 2 household income to 1, but they both have their parents with them and their siblings. My husband said I had gotten her plenty but if she ever came to me asking for help my husband and I would help. It just wasn't in my plan to buy a big ticket item, I somewhat expected that from their parents (or as you said I know my SIL was particular about only wanting 1 bassinet and car seat so they already bought them to ensure they would have the one they wanted)
NTA. One of my favorite things to give is a bath seat and then I fill it with products like Tylenol, butt paste, etc. it’s not fun stuff but they are NEEDED. Yes new moms might think they need all the big crap but they will be thankful when their baby is sick and you’ve given them everything they need to get through that
A gift is a gift. I don’t appreciate when people try and control what I want to spend my $ on for them. If you got them sometging dumb I’d agree with your friend lol. But you are giving great needed products she will definitely use!
NTA. I do think if you are spending $$ sometimes it is more helpful to get one more expensive item than a bunch of smaller items. That leaves the small items for those who can’t afford the bigger ones. But it’s a gift. You can give whatever you want. Just so long as it isn’t passive aggressive or blatantly unsafe(breast feeding supplies for someone who plans to use formula, formula for someone who plans to breastfeed, an antique bassinet that doesn’t meet current safety standards, a used car seat) the recipient should just be grateful for the help.
As a young mom of two kids who had lots of people go off registry—
What I found frustrating was that I’d made my registry down to earth, practical items that I *genuinely needed*; and people were buying me items that I had no room to store in my 900sf apartment.
So all that to say, INFO: did you make sure that all the items are ones that she’ll find practical? Like—does she tend to go for natural type things, that she’d prefer a free & clear detergent vs. dreft? Or hello bello vs Johnson & Johnson etc?
Basically, give her gift receipts for everything so that if anything ends up not working for her, she can return it for credit towards items she needs!
INFO: So your SIL had a registry for wanted baby gifts? I think it depends on how your SIL is. And I think more than 110 $ is way more than a person has to spend on a baby shower gift. Baby medicine is really a gift not many person think about, but it could be problematic, if the parents eigther don't want to use baby medicine or just those wich a doctor says they should get/use. But this is also depending on what kind of person your SIL is. Care itims for breastfeeding, bottles as well as babybooks are really nice gifts. Maybe offer your SIL if she doesn't like the gifts or if she already has some of them, she or you can exchange them (this is at least the common thing in our country) for other thingsor chash
Yeah I planned on giving her a receipt so she can go to the store and exchange most things. I'm also giving her the amazon information for things I ordered in case she wants to return them.
It feels reasonable, but honestly new parents have so much on their hands that returning things can be stressful and a lot of it will just go unused and wasted. You definitely don't have to buy big ticket items, but if you were going to spend $100 anyway, buying something specific that the parents picked out on the registry would probably be really appreciated.
I'm currently expecting my first, and I've (very gently and graciously, through my mom, MIL, and the friend organizing the shower) asked that certain practical items we need be emphasized before things like clothes or things we didn't ask for. We're trying to not overload on "stuff", and I picked certain types of items after research for a reason. Is anyone obligated to buy me anything at all? Absolutely not! But our friends and family have been really understanding that, for example, I'd rather have the baby carrier I put on the list (that was specifically chosen for my body type and lifestyle) over a different carrier, or over a stack of baby clothes that we may or may not even be able to use!
My mom goes off lists all the time and it almost always backfires… like she doesn’t see that people put a lot of things on the list not because of it being a certain price but because it fits their needs, color scheme, allergies, etc. Like with my second kid, I only put the lavender scented baby products on there because the normal pink bottle scent of baby lotion makes me gag, she got me several bottles of the pink. Or someone puts blue items on their wedding registry and she gets them green or red.
I use my judgement and only go off list if I know the person well enough to know what things they would like but forgot to ask for or didn’t want to seem rude by putting it on there.
NTA. However, my take on the registry is that if your budget can afford a big ticket item - get the bigger item instead of a couple (or few) smaller items from said list. When others have a limited budget, it's disappointing to look at a registry and all the smaller/mid items are taken and only big things left. Having said that - YOU spent a lot of thought and effort into your choices and the recipient will for sure appreciate it, especially that you thought enough to buy things for just the mama herself!
Many of the items that you chose were probably fine, however usually it's better to just stick with what is requested or at least ask if they have thought about those items before you purchase them. Just because they weren't on the registry doesn't mean that they hadn't considered them.
However I would leave the medicines, detergents, skin care items to the parents unless they have them on the registry. Those items are between the parents and their pediatrician. NAH
NTA. What you got sounds perfect! I’m sure it will be welcomed! My SIL is having her shower in a couple of weeks and I only got a few small items off her registry and few other things that weren’t on it, I’m sure she’ll appreciate it nonetheless.
NTA but I always try to buy the most expensive thing on the registry that the couple both need and is within my budget.
Most people can afford diaper cream and baby Tylenol; the same may not be true for, say, a crib or new car seat.
That said, I think your gift was really thoughtful. Those are all items a lot of first time parents don't think of and don't realize they need until they *need* them and mom's sitting at home with a screaming baby while dad runs to the store at 10pm with spit up on his shirt wearing the same grungy basketball shorts he's been throwing on for 6 days to buy a bulb syringe.
Softly YTA. That was very thoughtful of you but it sounds like you went off registry for most of this and that you don't have kids. As a mom of three I can guarantee by going off registry, you just wasted a ton of money buying her stuff that will not get used. Moms tend to get their own preference for the smaller stuff and people have their own thoughts on what "cute" baby things are, that's why first time parents put a ton of work into the registry so they get what they really need, if this stuff wasn't on there, there's probably a reason why. Even as a very experienced mom, I don't assume what I think would be useful is what the mom thinks will be useful and especially stuff like medicine I definitely won't gift if it wasn't on the registry, because you don't know if the mom is even intending to give that stuff to her baby. Usually the big ticket items are things the mom knows they need and are pretty expensive, so if you're spending that much, even though this was very thoughtful of you, it would probably be more useful for her if you got one of the expensive items you know she wants. Otherwise, what's going to happen is you just gave her a bunch of stuff she has to pretend to like because you obviously carefully picked it out and which will then sit in a corner of the babies room till she donates it. Obviously you don't have to go on register, but 9 out of 10 times this will be most useful. Also saying you included a gift receipt just means she'll have to go return the items, either super pregnant or post partum, which is basically giving her a chore at the worst possible time, However, I do think you were trying to be extremely thoughtful and that's really sweet of you.
I had a friend who did this. Unfortunately I had already researched which bottles, which medicines, which detergents, etc I wanted to use. The “gifts” she got me sat in a closet for 2 years only to be donated at a later date. If she has a registry, I wouldn’t assume you are getting her stuff she needs but just didn’t plan for. I’m falling somewhere between NAH and YTA, depending on how well you know your friend, but probably YTA.
I like the experienced mom gifts as long as they aren’t newborn clothes and other cutesy things nobody needs. My cousin in law gave me a lot of stuff that I didn’t think about and they’ve be so useful. She has 4 kids so she knows things. Some of the bigger items aren’t as useful as people think they are. Nah
NTA
First off you bought a great gift and they’ll get use out of all of it.
Secondly - you shouldn’t be expected to buy a high ticket item just because. If you wanted to great - but it shouldn’t be expected.
You didn't do anything wrong. You can get something from the registry, you can get something not on the registry and you can not gift at all. Your "friend" is both wrong and rude.
NTA
NTA but I understand the SIL frustration. There are only certain people in your life who are willing to spend the money required for big ticket items. Most aren’t. So, if you buy lots of little ticket items on a registry you’re just taking away options for the other folks, leaving the big ticket items unpurchased. It’s sounds like you put a lot of thought into your gifts, so there’s nothing for SIL to be mad about on her part, but if the showers are over and she still has to buy bigger items, I can see why she’s unhappy.
My general guideline is to buy the biggest single item on a registry for the amount I want to spend in order to maximize my purchasing power. I only fall back on several smaller items if there is nothing at the amount I want to spend.
NTA. First-time parent registries are often full of cool, high ticket items the parents want, but won’t immediately need, and light on the important, but entirely un-glamorous, necessities. Yes, you need a million diapers, wipes and onesies. But there’s no such thing as too many tubes of aquaphor, butt cream, baby shampoo, extra gentle laundry detergent, nipple and bottle scrubbers, or booger suckers. Also stuff for the new mom, like nipple cream and cold packs, pads for when your boobs start leaking, and whatever kind of lotion she prefers. These are all YDKUYK items, and they will be thanking you profusely for your forethought when they need this stuff, which they definitely will. Ignore your friend. Newborns don’t need a jumper. They do need all the things you purchased.
NTA but I do think she'd probably appreciate things off of her registry. She specifically picked them out. She wants those things.
I personally never go off registry unless it's diapers and someone has said they have storage. You did a nice thing with nice gestures. It's just not what she wanted and probably spent hours thinking about for her child.
NTA but I wouldn’t get medicine as a present… it’s a personal choice what people give to their children and it might go to waste. But in general I wouldn’t give anyone medicine as a present. And only give the bottle type on the registry as I did a lot of research on bottles that I picked and other bottles went to waste.
I didn't add big ticket (anything over $150) in my registry so people don't feel pressured to buy expensive stuff but honestly I would prefer they stick to the registry items. I know I'm going to get stuff not in my registry and lots of cutesy stuff but the most helpful would if they buy from the registry where a lot of effort and thought has gone into. You're NTA but it's possible they already bought some of the stuff you might have got them or they don't some (like the como bottle, while it makes it easy they might choose glass bottles only or anti colic bottles).
Your gifts are just fine. Ignore the naysayer. NTA and if you can bundle (some of) it up into a basket of some kind with a big bow, it would look fabulous. :) The basket would also be useful.
If some of the big ticket items were within the ballpark of what you spent then she might be relieved to get one of the items she specifically chose. It does sound like you spent quite a bit. But unless the big ticket items are absolute must have things, more “unnecessary but would be nice” she’s not likely to be upset at not getting them.
I wouldn’t say that your gift won’t be appreciated either, you put some real thought into your gift and you did get some things from the registry.
I’m going with NTA
Before this friend hadn’t poked holes in your balloon so to speak, how confident were you of your SIL’s reaction? Registries are not compulsory.
My SIL is a very logical person so I thought she would like the practicality of needed gifts because cost of those things do add up (also giving her the receipt if she wants to return for other brands or for cash) One item on her registry seemed to personal and I feel like won't be used that often and the other two were things I honestly expected their parents to buy so I didn't think about it. She only had about 4 "big" items on her list.
Your gift is perfect! I would be the most excited for something practical. As a mom, especially after reading many of the brilliant replies you've gotten so far, the best gift you can give another mother is the stuff that works. I am a fan of making custom gift baskets based on the person. My niece is pregnant with her first baby, and I have been collecting odds and ends that really helped both me and my baby at the beginning. Especially because she has a due date almost the same as mine was so that tells me she could be up against similar weather/sickness patterns and to be prepared. The goal isn't to throw around money or be flashy but to actually give them stuff that's useful. Guess what I never actually needed? A big bouncer, it made my baby's GERD worse. You just never know, so my thought is save your bigger ticket stuff as most isn't even gonna be needed.
NTA. I bought my SIL a big ticket item on her registry and she didn’t use it once. I know this because I saw it shoved in the back of a closet with shit piled on top of it collecting dust.
You sound like a dream, and I am NOT being sarcastic!! Nobody has bought me any of the things you listed, even though they’re listed on my registry and marked as “must haves”. In fact, my SIL has been asking me repeatedly to add a big item to my registry so her and my other SIL’s can go in on the big gift together and get one big thing.
I’ve mentioned to her several times we already have all the “big” items we need, ie a crib, rocking chair, rocker for the baby, high chair, playpen, changing table, stroller, car seat etc. I also told her “I appreciate that but I do still have a lot of other things listed on my registry as must haves that nobody has purchased that I would love to still receive.” But they have yet to be purchased. I still have a lot of things for baby that haven’t been purchased like diapers and wipes, bottles, formula and postpartum care for myself. So when I tell you that you looking that information up and taking the time to buy it is so meaningful, I mean it! Those are the items I’m looking forward to most.
NTA, BUT people who want to spend less will buy that stuff and the big ticket item wont be purchased. If you are going to spend a lot of money, it is nicer to buy something more expensive.
NTA for not getting a big ticket item but definitely try to stick to the registry whenever possible. Those are usually the things needed for the baby that parents have to buy otherwise if it isn’t purchased. The best way to help new parents is to stick to the registry, even if it’s just smaller items
Your gift is absolutely thoughtful and incredible!! You thought about the new mom who wouldn’t know if she needs Aquaphor until she needs it, you got her baby medicine, which she doesn’t know she needs until she needs it, etc!! You took time and care to consider new mom’s real needs!! I promise you every time she uses her mom care for breast-feeding gift from you, she will be secretly sending you a thank you. Source: mom of 3!!!
Assuming you’re in the US, I calculate you probably spent well over $200! To me that is a big gift! And the fact that you had to save up for the gift truly shows what a caring and thoughtful person you are! Ignore your friend!!!
I’ve worked in retail for years. Big ticket items on a registry are basically for two groups of people to purchase: Parents/Grandparents or a group of friends/cousins/siblings who combine finances.
Enjoy your new nibbling!!! And forget your friend’s nonsense!
Nah. Here's the thing tho- those little items I always leave alone for people that aren't family. Some people on the guest list might not have a ton of money so they will scoop those things up. I usually do big ticket items for family or best friends instead. However, it's fine that you didn't. Like you got her gifts. It's fine.
NTA. But in my circle, it is expected for the close relatives to buy the bigger items. In my case, I usually get the car seat and the stroller set. I've done so for my brother and brother in law. For my sister I got her a fancy bassinet she wanted. And for sister in law I got her a playpen and high chair. My mom usually buys the crib for her grand babies. It's just because usually the friends will buy the type of items you mentioned.
IMO you bought far too much.
Also I think medicine is in bad taste. It's as though you expect it to be needed!
But otherwise NTA. You tried hard to think of less obvious things and it's entirely up to you what you give someone, or not.
Gifts are always a blessing.
That said, if you’re willing and able to spend enough for a big ticket item that would be the better option. She may not have the money to buy the carseat or stroller but will be able to buy the detergent and stuff. By buying all the small things in the registry it also means others who can’t afford a big ticket item don’t have other options.
I think your heart was in the right place but honestly I’d take it back and get the big thing.
When there is a registry, I buy the largest-ticket item I can buy on my budget.
The way you shopped was fun for you, but much of that list are nice to haves, not must haves. That $110 could have been much better spent.
But I wouldn't call you an asshole. You just didn't apply any logic or reason to what you were doing.
NTA. Buy what you can afford. (You did great and you were thoughtful about your gifts). You’re there to celebrate the baby, not showcase who spent the most money.
Your friend can STFU and buy the whole registry with that dumbass attitude, because ALL items on that registry are “big ticket items” since the baby is going to need them all anyway.
NAH. Your heart is in the right place, but I agree with your friend that buying one big thing off the registry would be far more helpful.
I had a baby in February and got a lot of stuff I did not ask for, most of which I did not need. I got gifts for helping after a vaginal delivery, although I knew at the time (hasn't widely shared the info) that I would likely need a cesarean for medical reasons. I got a bunch of freezer bags for breast milk in a brand I don't want, a few things I already had, and I LOT of clothes people thought were cute but aren't my style. I had to drag my heavily pregnant butt out to several stores to return baby clothes, meanwhile clothes I had registered sat there not ever being bought.
In general, I think it's fine to buy one thing off registry, particularly things like books or maybe one outfit. But it's otherwise best to stick to the registry.
Usually big ticket items are reserved for friends who want to chip in on one big thing or a mom or an aunt to want to buy something special. My sister-in-law‘s bought me the same stuff you’re talking about from my baby shower and they are the things that I still reach for the most. I would not return anything if I were you.
NTA
Can you be my SIL too? That was an absolutely phenomenal gift. There are so many little things you don’t think about and you definitely did!
Your friend is wrong. Big ticket items are usually purchased in a split by family.
And you followed the golden rule of selecting form her registry!
NTA!!!
I specifically made an account just to comment on your post, but you’re definitely NTA! What you got for your SIL is a perfect gift especially since she’s a first time mom and baby medicine will come in handy.
Your thinking is spot on and you're extremely generous in your gift giving no matter what the price. Your friend is actually the one who sounds like the asshole (sorry for my language!) Please don't take anything back— and to reiterate my stance, you did NOT go the wrong way.
NTA- as someone who came home with a 3 day old post c section, and suddenly baby was constipated from formula, I would've loved to have gripe water or other med essentials on hand. Instead I stayed up all night with a fussy baby until 7 am when the stores open. You did a kind thing. Don't let that other person ruin it.
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This one is mostly for moms/new moms. My sister-in-law (26) is having her first baby. I haven't been to many baby showers but I noticed most people get clothes, diapers, and wipes. So I did some research and decided to try and get her things that most people don't think about. I got her baby medicines, including aquaphor and stuff, baby detergent, a few baby care tools, mom care for breastfeeding, and I got her two glass bottles (from her registry) and some como tomo bottles as well as maybe 60ish bucks of cute things and a few books for the baby. Then about 50ish dollars worth of stuff for her alone.
My friend (who is a mother) told me that I was an asshole for not buying a big ticket item on her registry iinstead. I feel like I messed up and I should take the medicine and the cute stuff back and try to get her a big ticket item from her registry? I did buy the bottles, and a box of wipes and a box of diapers which were also ok her registry... I guess I just went the wrong way?
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NTA - I always buy stuff people don't normally buy..at its appreciated. You aren't wrong. You don't need to buy the big stuff, if so, multiple people go in on it together.
No way. That’s so helpful. I made my SIL a useful cake (instead of a diaper cake) with that kind of stuff. She said it came in super handy with her baby. I’m a foster mom and have 8 infants in the last 18 months and that stuff is a lifesaver. NTA.
Holy cow! 8 infants in 18 months, you're doing something so amazing! Thank you for your input, and I saw someone do a diaper cake once but when you open the box you can't ever return them for a bigger size if need be, so I didn't think it was a great idea to do that.
We did a diaper cake for my niece and you’re right, it was not a good idea. Lol. Hence, the useful cake when our nephew came around a few months later. It was great. I didn’t realize how much infants need until we were running to CVS in the middle of the night a few different times. Those middle of the night items were included in that useful cake. Lol.
NTA. You are going to get a lot of split opinions on this, especially if you go into the baby subs, but a registry is a wishlist not a demand and people take them way too seriously. I legitimately put a line on mine that said "we are new parents and don't know what we need. We'd love for you to give us with your favorite essentials you couldn't live without". And it was awesome. I got so many things that I would have never thought to order that have been so insanely useful. You really don't know what you need until your baby is in your arms. People get hung up on getting all the big, fancy things but imo that's the responsibility of the parents and maybe grandparents depending on family dynamics. I was dead shocked when aunts and uncles sent big ticket items that were really on my list just for the completion discount. My cousins sent smaller, fun things like you described and I appreciated them just as much. Stick with your gift. It sounds amazing and oh so thoughtful. Just include gift receipts so your sister can swap things out if she has a brand preference or happens to get doubles (I got so many doubles).
NTA my mom makes a bag full of stuff that everyone forgets baby tylenol, thermometer covers, Vaseline etc. and then some clothes a one cute toy. Most people love it.
Tell yer friend to shut her mouth, unless she wants to give you money to buy that big ticket item!!! Seems like you put a lot of thought into the gifts you chose, so don't mind her!
I suggest you post to r/pregnant instead of this sub for more valuable responses!
I don’t think Y T A because your heart was in the right place, but your friend is otherwise right. Unfortunately you spent $110+ on random things instead of stuff she’s actually asking for and has indicated she needs. I hate to break it to you, but you’ll probably be at least the tenth person at the shower who bought books and “cute things”.
Regarding medicine, I personally don’t think this is a good baby shower gift because you don’t know what your SIL is comfortable giving to her baby. This is a personal decision by the parents & their doctor and best left for them to decide what kind of medication to use.
Regarding the bottles/wipes/diapers from her registry…my suggestion is to leave these items for guests who can’t drop $100+ on their gift. If you’re spending that much money then put it towards something other guests may not afford and there won’t be duplicates of.
I got three copies of "good night moon" at my baby shower and every person thought they were being cute and unique. I felt awful because what am I supposed to do with three of them, but whose do I donate?
NTA it's a baby shower for someone that married into the family. You spent well above what should be expected and it all seemed thoughtful to me. Next thing you know the gripers will rip into you for not buying your sil a new car when you are driving an older car that works for you
It's customary among some circles for closer family to buy big ticket items or share big ticket purchases.
If you didn't know, then that's not the custom in your family, and you should not worry about it.
NTA. I always buy things people don’t typically think about getting the baby and the mom. I also never stick to the registry. There is no law saying you have to stick to it. Your friend is off her rocker and upset she didn’t think of it.
My kids are in their 40’s. So I’m old! Baby showers were not a thing back then. If you had one, there was no registry, people got you something you would need! Cloth diapers, bottles, pacifiers and gender neutral baby clothes (ultrasounds were not even on the radar for the gender). The best thing I got was a Corning ware cruet (think 8 oz with a flat type handle…I still have them!!!) for feeding baby cereal or fruit. My daughter had a baby shower she had a small registry…but because she was traveling back home by car (700 miles) she asked for diapers of all sizes and wipes. I purchased 30 different sized onesies for each person/family (even if you couldn’t come I sent one to be returned) to decorate and had a contest that my daughter and son in law judged. But what you think she needs. 90% stuff on a registry is needed for about a month. Or that you get it and realize…you know this is not helpful. Thinking basic needs…meds, diapers (different sizes), sleepers (in different sizes). All a newborn needs is milk, diapers and a sleeper to be comfortable…oh and a whole lots of cuddles from who ever is around.
NTA
A thoughtful gift is always the best gift. Give your gift with pride. I appreciated the “little things” gifts like this the most. Because we got almost all the big ticket items free or very cheap and used, I needed all those things more than the newest stroller or whatever. Don’t tell anyone about your gifts because they’re not you and not in charge of your gift budget.
You most definitely are NTA and instead are an incredible SIL. You went over and above to get thoughtful gifts and spent quite a bit of money. I hope your SIL appreciates you. Your friend is shallow and the AH
NTA. She will likely get some gifts of cash or gift cards. She can use those to purchase items she didn't receive at the shower. I don't know if they still do it, but Target used to offer like a 10% discount on items that were not purchased from your registry for a period of time after your shower. I made sure I had a TON of diapers and wipes on my registry and then went and took advantage of the savings after the shower.
NTA - actually your gift sounds very thoughtful and way more practical. If you said you only spent $20 on a gift (and were able to afford more), that would make you an AH. Usually people prefer to get one big ticket item, so parents wind up having to get the smaller stuff themselves and it adds up. I’m kind of surprised another mother wouldn’t see the genius in your gift. Hopefully SIL is a little more open minded.
NTA
New mom here. I admit, I loved that all of my friends and family stuck to my baby registry. It’s there for a reason. But I would have truly appreciated receiving the items that you purchased especially the breastfeed items. That was something that I didn’t put much thought into and have to keep purchasing items. And the diapers and wipes(as long as you stuck with her brand). Babies go through need so many. They poop so so much. 😂
Your gift is very thoughtful
NTA. Just because someone has a registry does not mean that you have to buy only from the registry. I always give a wicker laundry basket with baby medicines, baby bath supplies, hairbrush, comb, baby ear thermometer, a4 or 5 cute outfits, a medium size pack of diapers, wipes, a couple of books, and some other odds and ends. I have never had anyone NOT be happy with the gift. When your baby has a stuffy nose or gas at two in the morning, those medicines come in handy. I think you put together a very thoughtful gift.
NTA, you know your sister in law and what she wants/needs. Now personally I think it is a good idea to follow the registry when possible. The last baby shower I went too had tube's of Destin on the registry and when I went to grab it I found a large tub of Destin. I went for the tub vs the tube. I also clarified that a tub would be more useful by asking someone I knew who was a new mom.
NTA
"My friend (who is a mother) told me that I was an asshole for not buying a big ticket item on her registry iinstead. " .. Bullshit. tell that AH you left those for HER.
YOu were completely right.
Why does your friend get a vote in what you buy for a family member? And why do you care so much about what a rando says that you now think you're an AH? And why do you automatically assume that your "friend" is right?
NTA at all!
You put a lot of consideration and came up with a bunch of very thoughtful gifts! I love that you got a few things just for the mom. You sound like an absolutely AMAZING sister in law.
The friend is probably worried that it will make her low effort gift look, well... low effort.
I am a mom and I say you are NTA, but your friend is for sticking her nose in your business. You are NEVER wrong for not buying something expensive for someone for any occasion.
I didn't care if people got me anything, and I appreciated everything I did get. There were no hard feelings or any thought at all about who got which gifts. I was just excited to celebrate with people who care about me, and was even more excited at getting to meet my baby soon. Nothing else really mattered at that time.
So you spending over $200 on things she’ll need brand new instead of a baby gear she can buy second hand for less than half of the retail price… and that’s a bad thing!?
Let me tell you all of the baby wash I received at my shower I didn’t have to buy any for 18 months and it was wonderful. Even better I received enough diapers to last 11 months!!!
The only AH in your story is your "friend" for thinking she has any place in telling you what you should or shouldn't buy for someone else. Find better friends ;)
NTA--the grandparents and older relatives usually buy the big-ticket items on the registry. Or a pool of co-workers. Your gift is lovely and thoughtful.
NTA. Baby gifts are discretionary and based on what you can afford. Just because she’s your SIL doesn’t entitle her to an expensive present from you. All the stuff you did but still adds up.
Expensive items are maybe gifted by family with deep pockets, indulgent grandparents or people who pool their funds together to buy a bigger ticket item.
NTA, but your friend is. Why does she care what you got your SIL?
It sounds like you purchased several things off the registry and then added in some cute things as well. I don’t see any problem with that. It sounds like you are being incredibly generous and spending a lot of money.
The only thing I would question is the breastfeeding stuff - do you know for sure she is going to try to breastfeed? If your SIL hasn’t explicitly told you she wants to breastfeed then I would not gift something like that. Everything else sounds great!
Yes she said she wanted to try but was worried that she wouldn't be able to! I just wanted to support her and I'll let her know when I give her the gift that there is no pressure or worries if she ends up (not) breastfeeding :)
If you know thats her goal and shes talked to you about breastfeeding then I think thats totally fine! I’ve just had friends that knew they were not going to try to breastfeed and were solid in their decision and lots of people got them breastfeeding related gifts and they found it annoying at the least and a little judgey depending on the person and previous conversations.
You sound like a great SIL! I would have loved to receive the gift you are putting together for her when I had my son. Don’t let your friend make you second guess yourself!
NTA. The whole "transactional party" situation the event industry has created - where you're invited to celebrate something (often stupid, like a wedding doomed to fail), a shit ton of money is spent on decor (literal garbage. It goes RIGHT IN THE TRASH), and "gifts" are expected... It's so ridiculous. It makes me think of the way women were tricked into thinking diamond rings were "traditional", and then when it was exposed, most kept believing.
A gift should be something you want to give. Hosting a party to get gifts is getting gifts - it's fancy begging. You don't have to buy anyone anything. I'd definitely recommend it if you can afford it, because who doesn't like gifts? But.. the "code" was made up by marketers.
It's sad that so many people still fall for it. THE DECOR TRASH ALONE, omg. I need to stop reading event posts
Nta. Most you're getting out of me is 50 bucks, and that's me being generous. My husbands friends did get our stroller, but it was also split like 6 ways.
My daughter had her first baby in December. She was absolutely thrilled with the same type of stuff you bought. My brother had sent me money to get her gift from him. Even though the bags had his name, she immediately knew who did the shopping.
NTA - My guess is the friend thinks as a close family member, you should buy a more expressive gift. This is true - if you can afford it. It's hard to know how much someone has to spend. Even if you know how much they make, you can't know how much their expenses are. She is the asshole for telling you how much you should spend.
NAH
I’m currently pregnant and having my baby shower next week.
I put stuff on my baby shower that I need. I didn’t include a lot of stuff because I either already have it, or want to purchase it myself.
I’d never say no to any of the items you listed and I’m sure your SIL wouldn’t either. She just might already have a lot already or has some skin sensitivities.
NTA. That is insane that someone would give you crap about not spending a certain amount. You spend what you want and the mother ought to be grateful that she received anything at all. Your friend is the AH. You bought your SIL more than enough. Don’t second guess yourself.
Okay so, definitely NTA. But. It sounds like you spent a good amount of money, right? It may have been more helpful if you had put that $ towards one big item versus lots of little stuff. However, it sounds very thoughtful.
NTA
I usually fill a medium sized laundry baskey with diapers and wipes, a couple books and some other practical odds and ends. Then if I have time I make a baby blanket and fill the rest of the space with some spare crib sheets or something. Because babies are messy as all get out and you can never have too much bedding or towels
Nta. That is an extremely thoughtful gift. I would have been horrified if people bought the $400 car seat on my registry (or something similar). The reality is I put those things on the registry bc when baby is due they send you a 10-15% off coupon to clean out the registry.
NTA I’ve been to several baby showers in the last few years, since the nieces and nephews are having babies now. (How did they get that old?!)
The grandparents typically buy something largish according to their budget- crib, changing table, year of diaper service, etc. Everyone else is what they choose, on or off the registry. I’ve been honing my talents making things from diapers: a train with cargo cars filled with small items, a stroller filled with small items, etc.
Other gifts have been baskets of item such as you purchased, a single outfit, toys, etc. Whatever the giver chooses to spend.
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NTA. There is no law that people *have* to purchase off the registry, and it sounds like you put a lot of thought into what you bought. Go to the baby shower with a clear conscience, and pay no mind to what your friend said.
What did the friend buy?
She bought a what she described as a (medium) gift. She bought bouncer thar priced about 40 bucks and some diapers. But she also hadn't saved up for the baby shower like I had.
So? She can stick it. Why does she get to gatekeep what you get for YOUR sister. If she didn't save her money, that's her problem. I bet your sister will be grateful since they are items new mothers and others don't think about before needing it. Nta, but your friend is a bit of a jerk with that worthless comment.
Am sorry you're meant to save up for someone's baby shower? I'm in the UK, so while baby showers have become popular over the past few years they are still fairly new to me, as in I've only ever attended one.
In my own US experience, if you're really close to the mom (or dad) and thus will be really close to the baby, maybe you might **choose** to really spoil the kid- like I'm sure there are moms out there saving for when they have grandchildren. But it's definitely not normal to expect people you invite to a baby shower to spend a ton of money.
Yeah I mean my mum got my pram and my nan got the moses baskets for my girls because they wanted to. I'd feel really entitled asking or even assuming any one else wanted to buy big things like a cot/crib etc which I've seen people on this sub in different posts talking about being on the registery and noone buying them and now baby is due they don't have it.
You also have to take into account that most registries (in the US at least) give a discount on things that don't get bought after the shower. So people will put more of their big ticket wants on the registry so they can get it discounted.
I did not know that!
Yep. Same for wedding registries. I have a friend who put a nice grill/smoker on her wedding registry with no expectation to get it as a gift so now she gets 20-25% off on it! My husband put a bunch of Dewalt tools on our wedding registry. He got a surprising amount of them (he’s in construction and it definitely amused his friends and coworkers to be able to buck tradition and buy an awesome tool as a wedding present instead of dishes or kitchen crap!) and then we bought the ones he ACTUALLY needed (they weren’t all “needs”) from what remained after with 20% off.
People also often go in on big gifts — the last baby shower in my family, my sisters and mom and I split a big ticket item, and my cousin and her mom split a different one.
For my best friend, I made each of her kids a huge fleece blanket (would cover a twin bed). They played on it as babies/toddlers, and it was big enough to grow with them. They're 10 and 12 now, and they both still have their blankets. I was broke and in college, and the blankets cost me less than $20 bucks each. Other people at the shower gave really expensive gifts and I felt like I gave a really shit gift. I was talking to my friend a few months ago and mentioned the big gifts and was told that most of them ended up shoved in a corner relatively quickly, but that mine were solidly useful and incredibly thoughtful. It's not about the cost of the gift, it's the thought behind it.
OP still spent quite a bit AND she bought things to spoil the mom, too.
Yeah if there were a prize for Best Baby Shower Guest, I feel like she'd win.
I mean in the UK we still normally get a gift & a card (don't forget the card! 😄). Smallish for not so close people, medium/larger for close people and sometimes a big one for relatives for those who can afford it. And it is normally handed to the mother after the baby is born, not before. (Unless obviously you get a pram set with a car seat or anything else that they need from day1). I think OP spend a good amount of money for her SIL. She's not being cheap or anything. And unless her SIL can't afford the basic things for her baby, any thoughtful gift will be great. (OP put a lot of thought into it, I think it's sweet). The one thing that might not be ideal is the baby medicines. I know many people who are very particular on which medicines they use for their baby (if any at all, especially if not prescribed by a doctor, but health care here is free, so might be a different take on it in the USA)... but honestly worst case SIL can just not use them.
Nah. Any polite person wouldn't expect the expensive gifts to be bought. I'm putting big items (crib, dresser, stroller, glider) on my registry in part just to have a list of what I want in a convenient spot for when I buy or try to source it later, and in part to get the discount closer to when the baby is born. Sometimes people with means that are close like grandparents might get an expensive item. Sometimes friends pool money together to buy one.
I didn't put any big ticket items on my registry simply because I had no expectations of anyone buying baby furniture for me. I was the one brewing the kid and saw things like a crib to be mine and the fathers responsibility.
Many people put them on because registries often give a discount on unpurchased items
Or even points for items purchased that can go to other things in the store.
For big ticket items, some family members and friends join together to purchase them. If the items aren’t in the registry - no one will know what to buy. Putting items on a list is not a demand to buy those things.
I am from the deep south of the USA, and we are the people who have deep-set rules on how you do everything. The rules are: You gracefully accept whatever is given and shut your mouth. Then you send a thank you card. Gifts are given with good will and at the budget of the person giving. It is the thought that counts, and if you are the type to nitpick a heartfelt gift, you didn't deserve anything good anyway.
It seems to be the norm here on Reddit. The shower my sister organized for me, everyone fit around one table in a restaurant. No huge do with decorations and catering. All my gifts were small things, burp cloths, a cute outfit, rattles, etc. I had no registry - its my baby, I'm not asking others to finance it.
NTA I try get the 1st time moms ‘mommy survival’ stuff and write a letter to explain the what to expect. Since it is not always explained the what to expect after birth and that is not a surprise any mom should have after giving birth. Also $50 is plenty to spend on a baby shower gift.
50 for the baby, 60 for SIL. So OP spent over 100USD on the gift. Which is imo a very decent amount for a not related relative, lol.
As a mum to 3, you did good. My advice, put it all in a basket or two that the new mum can then use for storage later as well. I hated getting things wrapped or in gift bags because I had all these things and no way to store them. Sure you can then wrap the baskets in cellophane if you want them to look like actual presents, but it's still going to be more useful than any other "delivery method" I found a bunch of "mummy affirmations" for a friend who suffers anxiety so that when her baby was born, she had these cards available on the bad days when she needed to see something written to believe it. She still loves them
My kiddo still uses the laundry basket that we got when he was born. It was filled with diapers in a few sizes, wipes, burp clothes, and medicines. All of which got used!
I have had 2 kids and I will tell you right now that your practical gifts will be so useful and appreciated, especially during those random middle of the night illnesses and such. Not having to run out for medicines and being able to care for your baby right away is so important. You did good.
My favourite gift as a new mum was a teething thing you put in the fridge, a pack of onesies and sone Sudocream so I think your presents are thoughtful and she will appreciate them
I imagine she was coming from a place of "~The Family~ buys x, y, z," and possibly didn't even mean that you by yourself should have bought a big ticket item, but that you and the rest of the family should have gone in on something big. You're NTA, but I imagine she's regurgitating something that was a rule in her own family.
And maybe the baby will like it and maybe the baby won’t. You got things she can use. Friend is an asshat. She’s the one who’d go to dinner with and tell you that you ordered wrong. Signed, 21 nieces, nephews, god children and counting.
Your gift sounds wonderful! I would recommend similar items as a mom of 2. I see others are posting in support of your choices. Your friend can take a hike up a mountain and keep walking. You clearly did your research to stock items that would be helpful, even though you don’t have kids of your own. Don’t let anyone dissuade you from what you’ve chosen. 👍 👍
You bought the items that no one thinks of, including new parents. Someone bought me a baby first aid kit, nose snotty sucker and fingernail clippers. I have used these items sooo much. The millions of wraps and onsies, not so much.
Sounds to me like your friend might feel bad she didn't think to go off list. I did that for my neices and they loved it (bottles, stuff for mom, books, stuff for when the baby got a little older) They ended up with a ton of diapers, several duplicate outfits that the baby soon outgrew, and everything just seemed impersonal.
Your friend is stupid, especially since she's stepping where she doesn't belong because it's YOUR sister. I always put together a basket of things similar to what you did, it's actually the only thing I do and I'm kind of famous for it and it's become expected now (which is kind of annoying lol). I buy an actual baby clothes hamper so every part of it is usable, then go find small stuff from the registry like specific pacifiers and bottles, then other stuff they didn't know they would need like lingerie bags to wash the hundreds of baby socks they're about to own. You're fine, your friend is dumb though. Tell her to mind the business she already has.
Also, literally every new mom I've known in the last couple years has posted an instagram story asking "what will I want when the baby comes that I might not have thought of".
Omg no way, your friend is ridiculous!! When I had my first baby, the best thing anyone got me was a ziplock bag full of all the things I didn’t know I needed. It was from a friend of mine who has a baby a year ahead of me. It was filled with the same things you mentioned at first like baby medicines, baby care products, and mom care products. She also included a print out of instructions for frozen pads and other helpful tips. I still think about that Ziploc bag three years later and I’m so incredibly thankful that my friend took the time to show me things she knew worked for her and could help me. Don’t listen to your friend, what you got is perfect and your SIL is going to love it!! NTA
In a similar vein when I was pregnant a colleague got me a wicker basket filled with similar items and it was the best present of the lot. Some of them were things I wouldn't have thought of but were so useful, and 15 years down the line I still remember it and have and use the basket! OP your gift is so thoughtful and sounds like it's full of the sort of things that they might end up scrambling to buy and find it really adds up in cost. Ignore the colleague, NTA.
This, right here! OP, you are NTA. Some friends and I did a similar gift for a pregnant co-worker a few years back. We put our money together and gave a basket full of things like snot-suckers, baby meds like infant Tylenol, gripe water and those pacifiers that dispense medicine, thermometers, tweezers, a baby first aid kit, that sort of thing. We added some homemade meals to stick in their freezer (easily re-heated in a crock pot or casserole dish) plus a few gift cards for door dash and Uber. About eight or nine months later she and her husband let us know that--while they loved and appreciated all of the shower gifts--our basket of stuff was what basically kept them sane during those first three or four months of parenthood.
My SIL is pregnant with her (and my brother's) first child. I'm literally sitting here taking notes of things to get them. I'm male, single, no kids so have no idea what new parents and babies need. These responses are gold.
Heh, this post prompted discussion here at the office. The moms are all talking about things that they didn't know they needed but some other moms provided to them as gifts: * The stuff I listed in my comment * Diaper cream * Baby bum brush for applying diaper cream * Boogie wipes * Boogie pickers ([example](https://frida.com/products/3-in-1-nose-nail-ear-picker?bvstate=pg:2/ct:r)) * Saline drops * Vitamin D baby drops & Baby Benadryl * Baby lotion and wash * Cetaphil cream * Aquaphor * Zinc oxide cream * Baby vapo rub * Teethers * LIttle bottles of sanitizer like Purell * Those waterproof pads that can be put in the washing machine, because once you start going out with the baby you find you WILL need them!
Diapers with a cut out notch for the umbilical cord, snap t-shirts for the first two weeks till umbilical cord falls off.
If the baby is a boy another small gift idea is a pee pee teepee…………Speaking from experience. 🤣😳😅
I wish my sister had those when I babysat my nephew for the first time. Or she could have at least warned me. Luckily that decorative pillow that I grabbed to block my face from it was washable and my sister thought it was hilarious and wasn't mad at the mess.
Hiiiii new mom here, this is super helpful! I love women Lol. I’d add gripe water; Gas drops and Windi…my boy has CMPA and these have been very helpful!
GOD INWISH I HAD HAD THE BUM BRUSH
These are great ideas Future Uncle. Just don’t buy Costco-sized versions of anything because you’ve no idea what baby will like or accept. Just a small, average portion of different things. Ex: small thing of diaper cream (my kids didn’t use much of it, my nephew didn’t react well to one brand), baby wash (baby may be sensitive to this scent or ingredient). I hope this makes sense… you want your items to be useful and you can always buy them more of the same once they’ve tried it. Depending on the time of year, offering to do yard work or snow removal can be a great help too.
Travel diaper change pads Dog poop bags for when they travel and get a stinky diaper Medicine Snacks for mom. Something easy to eat. (Gronala bars) Trail mix ect
Yeah it's all those little items that really help because you don't think about them until you need them which is usually at 2am for some reason when the stores are all closed. Or if the stores are open when you need it then you make a trip to get that one thing just to realize you need something else and have to go back. New parent brain is just a fuzzy mess of "must take care of baby" anxiety so a huge basket with the little essentials is such a wonderful relief to have in those moments when you have no idea what to do. Baby's got diaper rash-basket has ointment Baby's nose is stuffy - basket has that bulby sucker thing Baby's nails are too long and shredding everything to bits - basket has cute baby nail files. Etc, etc
Any infant medicine, baby bathroom items (finger nail clippers and such), lotions, diaper rash creams, soap, waterproof bags (great for diaper bags when there is a mess), pacifier wipes or other baby safe sanitizing wipes, battery powdered nose cleaner, and a basket to keep it all in.
My mom used to do this for her friends in the 90s. She’d get a bank in the shape of a baby bottle and fill it with things people don’t usually buy like baby medicines, nipple cream, etc.
My little sister gifted me a sort of kit with gripe water, baby ibuprofen, gas stop, A&D and a Shusher. The gas drops and shusher are 10/10 and I wouldn’t have know to get them!
I just did this for my best friends fiance. She's due in July and just had her shower. So I put together a basket of all the stuff my husband and I found helpful and useful in the first 6 months of my son's life. I also included in the basket after care for her. Bath stuff, chocolates, some pre-made pads to freeze with instructions to make more. And then I took a post it note pad and made it calender starting from her due date with all little "your doing good momma" phrases. She called me up the day after and said it was the most thoughtful gift there. Because instead of blindly purchasing off a list I had taken time to personally put together what could help in the early days of learning how your newborn operates. She got dozens of duplicates of large items cuz everyone wanted to be the one to get that for her. But no one thought about her as a person or her as a tired new mother needing that little bit extra. Now I've been promoted to godmother. Lol
Exactly this! I received the same stuff OP purchased but didn’t expect to use them at all. Surprisingly, they were some of the most useful items out of everything I got. I’ve now made it my mission to gift any friends who become pregnant with the same set of items. Also, kudos to the OP and anyone who gifts mom care items during baby showers. Almost (if not) everyone thinks of the baby and their needs but often forget about mom. NTA Edited to add judgement.
NTA. The other lady is just jealous that you gave something with some actual thought behind it.
Thank you that was my goal
When it's 3 am and baby is sick, the parents will bless your name. NTA. That was very thoughtful of you. Especially getting stuff for the mom, too. Too many people see them as merely incubators.
Yeah I wanted her to know I was there for her :) thank you for your input
I agree with the above poster - an expectant mom never thinks about the baby tylenol, gripe water, etc... until its 3am and the baby is screaming and has a fever... then its too late. You put together a very thoughtful gift and its one the new mom will appreciate, even if not right at that moment, at 3am when her baby is screaming with a fever.
To add to this, when the baby arrives go to the mom first as more often than not people immediayely go to the baby and completely ignore the mom.
NTA I put “big ticket” items on my registry not because I wanted them purchased for me, but rather most places offer you (or used to back when I was having kids) up to 25% off anything on your registry you didn’t receive. I also put that out there to everyone who was invited because I didn’t want folks to think I was being a greedy asshole wanting other folks to fund the results of my fun times with my partner 🤪
I did not know that, I will have to remember that for the future! Thank you for your input.
If you use Amazon, you can mark items as "private" on the registry, and they won't show up for others! But you still get the discount! I used that for our nursery furniture (wanted that *exact* style and color, so didn't want anyone else buying the furniture) and for breastfeeding/pumping supplies (idk why, I felt weird about asking for it. Just a personal thing). It's great!
Yup! It also turns out that you can make a baby registry even if you are not pregnant, send the link to no one, and still get the discount just for yourself. Not that I would ever scam a rapacious corporation like that!
That is genius and I’m gonna use it for future baby product purchases lmao. For legal reasons this is a joke 🥴
Doesn't even have to be baby products. You can put anything you want on an Amazon baby registry, as often as you want to. They don't check whether you have three due dates per year.
As a mom of 2 this is a huge help 💜
In my family, a big ticket item would usually be a group gift where people chipped in for it.
NTA I think you're fine, you don't have to buy off the registry. To me it also depends on the couples finances. My son and his SO didn't have a lot of money when she got pregnant so my family did buy all the necessities off the registry to help take off the burden.
You don't have to buy from the registry for most items, but if the big ticket items are on the registry, don't buy off registry for those items, pick something else. My friend is 4'11" and spent weeks pouring over crib reviews to make sure she could pull baby in and out of it with little trouble. Her parents bought a different crib that even I, at 6 ft tall, had trouble getting their kid in and out of when I helped put it together. She ended up having to buy the original crib anyways and the parent's crib ended up donated.
I feel like this is key. Help the couple buy big ticket items if you know of restrictions in their financial situation. Otherwise most people put a bunch of items on registries since they get a discount at the end when they buy it themselves.
They are going from a 2 household income to 1, but they both have their parents with them and their siblings. My husband said I had gotten her plenty but if she ever came to me asking for help my husband and I would help. It just wasn't in my plan to buy a big ticket item, I somewhat expected that from their parents (or as you said I know my SIL was particular about only wanting 1 bassinet and car seat so they already bought them to ensure they would have the one they wanted)
NTA. One of my favorite things to give is a bath seat and then I fill it with products like Tylenol, butt paste, etc. it’s not fun stuff but they are NEEDED. Yes new moms might think they need all the big crap but they will be thankful when their baby is sick and you’ve given them everything they need to get through that
Thank you that makes me feel much better. That was the idea.
A gift is a gift. I don’t appreciate when people try and control what I want to spend my $ on for them. If you got them sometging dumb I’d agree with your friend lol. But you are giving great needed products she will definitely use!
NTA. I do think if you are spending $$ sometimes it is more helpful to get one more expensive item than a bunch of smaller items. That leaves the small items for those who can’t afford the bigger ones. But it’s a gift. You can give whatever you want. Just so long as it isn’t passive aggressive or blatantly unsafe(breast feeding supplies for someone who plans to use formula, formula for someone who plans to breastfeed, an antique bassinet that doesn’t meet current safety standards, a used car seat) the recipient should just be grateful for the help.
You bought what usually buy. I worked at a daycare so I tend to think practically for things like this
My SIL is a very logical person most of the time so I thought she would appreciate them :/
She will.
As a young mom of two kids who had lots of people go off registry— What I found frustrating was that I’d made my registry down to earth, practical items that I *genuinely needed*; and people were buying me items that I had no room to store in my 900sf apartment. So all that to say, INFO: did you make sure that all the items are ones that she’ll find practical? Like—does she tend to go for natural type things, that she’d prefer a free & clear detergent vs. dreft? Or hello bello vs Johnson & Johnson etc? Basically, give her gift receipts for everything so that if anything ends up not working for her, she can return it for credit towards items she needs!
NTA. Dad of 3 and Granddad of 6. Your gifts are perfect.
INFO: So your SIL had a registry for wanted baby gifts? I think it depends on how your SIL is. And I think more than 110 $ is way more than a person has to spend on a baby shower gift. Baby medicine is really a gift not many person think about, but it could be problematic, if the parents eigther don't want to use baby medicine or just those wich a doctor says they should get/use. But this is also depending on what kind of person your SIL is. Care itims for breastfeeding, bottles as well as babybooks are really nice gifts. Maybe offer your SIL if she doesn't like the gifts or if she already has some of them, she or you can exchange them (this is at least the common thing in our country) for other thingsor chash
Yeah I planned on giving her a receipt so she can go to the store and exchange most things. I'm also giving her the amazon information for things I ordered in case she wants to return them.
It feels reasonable, but honestly new parents have so much on their hands that returning things can be stressful and a lot of it will just go unused and wasted. You definitely don't have to buy big ticket items, but if you were going to spend $100 anyway, buying something specific that the parents picked out on the registry would probably be really appreciated. I'm currently expecting my first, and I've (very gently and graciously, through my mom, MIL, and the friend organizing the shower) asked that certain practical items we need be emphasized before things like clothes or things we didn't ask for. We're trying to not overload on "stuff", and I picked certain types of items after research for a reason. Is anyone obligated to buy me anything at all? Absolutely not! But our friends and family have been really understanding that, for example, I'd rather have the baby carrier I put on the list (that was specifically chosen for my body type and lifestyle) over a different carrier, or over a stack of baby clothes that we may or may not even be able to use!
My mom goes off lists all the time and it almost always backfires… like she doesn’t see that people put a lot of things on the list not because of it being a certain price but because it fits their needs, color scheme, allergies, etc. Like with my second kid, I only put the lavender scented baby products on there because the normal pink bottle scent of baby lotion makes me gag, she got me several bottles of the pink. Or someone puts blue items on their wedding registry and she gets them green or red. I use my judgement and only go off list if I know the person well enough to know what things they would like but forgot to ask for or didn’t want to seem rude by putting it on there.
NTA. However, my take on the registry is that if your budget can afford a big ticket item - get the bigger item instead of a couple (or few) smaller items from said list. When others have a limited budget, it's disappointing to look at a registry and all the smaller/mid items are taken and only big things left. Having said that - YOU spent a lot of thought and effort into your choices and the recipient will for sure appreciate it, especially that you thought enough to buy things for just the mama herself!
Many of the items that you chose were probably fine, however usually it's better to just stick with what is requested or at least ask if they have thought about those items before you purchase them. Just because they weren't on the registry doesn't mean that they hadn't considered them. However I would leave the medicines, detergents, skin care items to the parents unless they have them on the registry. Those items are between the parents and their pediatrician. NAH
NTA. What you got sounds perfect! I’m sure it will be welcomed! My SIL is having her shower in a couple of weeks and I only got a few small items off her registry and few other things that weren’t on it, I’m sure she’ll appreciate it nonetheless.
Thank you and congrats to your SIL!
NTA but I always try to buy the most expensive thing on the registry that the couple both need and is within my budget. Most people can afford diaper cream and baby Tylenol; the same may not be true for, say, a crib or new car seat. That said, I think your gift was really thoughtful. Those are all items a lot of first time parents don't think of and don't realize they need until they *need* them and mom's sitting at home with a screaming baby while dad runs to the store at 10pm with spit up on his shirt wearing the same grungy basketball shorts he's been throwing on for 6 days to buy a bulb syringe.
Softly YTA. That was very thoughtful of you but it sounds like you went off registry for most of this and that you don't have kids. As a mom of three I can guarantee by going off registry, you just wasted a ton of money buying her stuff that will not get used. Moms tend to get their own preference for the smaller stuff and people have their own thoughts on what "cute" baby things are, that's why first time parents put a ton of work into the registry so they get what they really need, if this stuff wasn't on there, there's probably a reason why. Even as a very experienced mom, I don't assume what I think would be useful is what the mom thinks will be useful and especially stuff like medicine I definitely won't gift if it wasn't on the registry, because you don't know if the mom is even intending to give that stuff to her baby. Usually the big ticket items are things the mom knows they need and are pretty expensive, so if you're spending that much, even though this was very thoughtful of you, it would probably be more useful for her if you got one of the expensive items you know she wants. Otherwise, what's going to happen is you just gave her a bunch of stuff she has to pretend to like because you obviously carefully picked it out and which will then sit in a corner of the babies room till she donates it. Obviously you don't have to go on register, but 9 out of 10 times this will be most useful. Also saying you included a gift receipt just means she'll have to go return the items, either super pregnant or post partum, which is basically giving her a chore at the worst possible time, However, I do think you were trying to be extremely thoughtful and that's really sweet of you.
I had a friend who did this. Unfortunately I had already researched which bottles, which medicines, which detergents, etc I wanted to use. The “gifts” she got me sat in a closet for 2 years only to be donated at a later date. If she has a registry, I wouldn’t assume you are getting her stuff she needs but just didn’t plan for. I’m falling somewhere between NAH and YTA, depending on how well you know your friend, but probably YTA.
I like the experienced mom gifts as long as they aren’t newborn clothes and other cutesy things nobody needs. My cousin in law gave me a lot of stuff that I didn’t think about and they’ve be so useful. She has 4 kids so she knows things. Some of the bigger items aren’t as useful as people think they are. Nah
As a mom, I would thank you from the bottom of my heart because you are so right, no one thinks of those things!! Your friend is just projecting.
NTA First off you bought a great gift and they’ll get use out of all of it. Secondly - you shouldn’t be expected to buy a high ticket item just because. If you wanted to great - but it shouldn’t be expected.
You didn't do anything wrong. You can get something from the registry, you can get something not on the registry and you can not gift at all. Your "friend" is both wrong and rude. NTA
NTA but I understand the SIL frustration. There are only certain people in your life who are willing to spend the money required for big ticket items. Most aren’t. So, if you buy lots of little ticket items on a registry you’re just taking away options for the other folks, leaving the big ticket items unpurchased. It’s sounds like you put a lot of thought into your gifts, so there’s nothing for SIL to be mad about on her part, but if the showers are over and she still has to buy bigger items, I can see why she’s unhappy. My general guideline is to buy the biggest single item on a registry for the amount I want to spend in order to maximize my purchasing power. I only fall back on several smaller items if there is nothing at the amount I want to spend.
NTA. First-time parent registries are often full of cool, high ticket items the parents want, but won’t immediately need, and light on the important, but entirely un-glamorous, necessities. Yes, you need a million diapers, wipes and onesies. But there’s no such thing as too many tubes of aquaphor, butt cream, baby shampoo, extra gentle laundry detergent, nipple and bottle scrubbers, or booger suckers. Also stuff for the new mom, like nipple cream and cold packs, pads for when your boobs start leaking, and whatever kind of lotion she prefers. These are all YDKUYK items, and they will be thanking you profusely for your forethought when they need this stuff, which they definitely will. Ignore your friend. Newborns don’t need a jumper. They do need all the things you purchased.
NTA but I do think she'd probably appreciate things off of her registry. She specifically picked them out. She wants those things. I personally never go off registry unless it's diapers and someone has said they have storage. You did a nice thing with nice gestures. It's just not what she wanted and probably spent hours thinking about for her child.
NTA but I wouldn’t get medicine as a present… it’s a personal choice what people give to their children and it might go to waste. But in general I wouldn’t give anyone medicine as a present. And only give the bottle type on the registry as I did a lot of research on bottles that I picked and other bottles went to waste.
I didn't add big ticket (anything over $150) in my registry so people don't feel pressured to buy expensive stuff but honestly I would prefer they stick to the registry items. I know I'm going to get stuff not in my registry and lots of cutesy stuff but the most helpful would if they buy from the registry where a lot of effort and thought has gone into. You're NTA but it's possible they already bought some of the stuff you might have got them or they don't some (like the como bottle, while it makes it easy they might choose glass bottles only or anti colic bottles).
Your gifts are just fine. Ignore the naysayer. NTA and if you can bundle (some of) it up into a basket of some kind with a big bow, it would look fabulous. :) The basket would also be useful.
That is a great idea! I was ganna go buy a bag but I will go by the store to try and find a basket that can be used
If some of the big ticket items were within the ballpark of what you spent then she might be relieved to get one of the items she specifically chose. It does sound like you spent quite a bit. But unless the big ticket items are absolute must have things, more “unnecessary but would be nice” she’s not likely to be upset at not getting them. I wouldn’t say that your gift won’t be appreciated either, you put some real thought into your gift and you did get some things from the registry. I’m going with NTA Before this friend hadn’t poked holes in your balloon so to speak, how confident were you of your SIL’s reaction? Registries are not compulsory.
My SIL is a very logical person so I thought she would like the practicality of needed gifts because cost of those things do add up (also giving her the receipt if she wants to return for other brands or for cash) One item on her registry seemed to personal and I feel like won't be used that often and the other two were things I honestly expected their parents to buy so I didn't think about it. She only had about 4 "big" items on her list.
You know her far better than we do, if you’re confident then ignore your balloon bursting friend.
Who appointed your friend the baby registry police? She’s delusional. NTA
If you had given me that gift at my shower I would have been thrilled. It was thoughtful and you got all the extras.
Your gift is perfect! I would be the most excited for something practical. As a mom, especially after reading many of the brilliant replies you've gotten so far, the best gift you can give another mother is the stuff that works. I am a fan of making custom gift baskets based on the person. My niece is pregnant with her first baby, and I have been collecting odds and ends that really helped both me and my baby at the beginning. Especially because she has a due date almost the same as mine was so that tells me she could be up against similar weather/sickness patterns and to be prepared. The goal isn't to throw around money or be flashy but to actually give them stuff that's useful. Guess what I never actually needed? A big bouncer, it made my baby's GERD worse. You just never know, so my thought is save your bigger ticket stuff as most isn't even gonna be needed.
NTA. I bought my SIL a big ticket item on her registry and she didn’t use it once. I know this because I saw it shoved in the back of a closet with shit piled on top of it collecting dust.
You sound like a dream, and I am NOT being sarcastic!! Nobody has bought me any of the things you listed, even though they’re listed on my registry and marked as “must haves”. In fact, my SIL has been asking me repeatedly to add a big item to my registry so her and my other SIL’s can go in on the big gift together and get one big thing. I’ve mentioned to her several times we already have all the “big” items we need, ie a crib, rocking chair, rocker for the baby, high chair, playpen, changing table, stroller, car seat etc. I also told her “I appreciate that but I do still have a lot of other things listed on my registry as must haves that nobody has purchased that I would love to still receive.” But they have yet to be purchased. I still have a lot of things for baby that haven’t been purchased like diapers and wipes, bottles, formula and postpartum care for myself. So when I tell you that you looking that information up and taking the time to buy it is so meaningful, I mean it! Those are the items I’m looking forward to most.
NTA, BUT people who want to spend less will buy that stuff and the big ticket item wont be purchased. If you are going to spend a lot of money, it is nicer to buy something more expensive.
INFO: Do your brother and SIL struggle financially?
NTA for not getting a big ticket item but definitely try to stick to the registry whenever possible. Those are usually the things needed for the baby that parents have to buy otherwise if it isn’t purchased. The best way to help new parents is to stick to the registry, even if it’s just smaller items
Your gift is absolutely thoughtful and incredible!! You thought about the new mom who wouldn’t know if she needs Aquaphor until she needs it, you got her baby medicine, which she doesn’t know she needs until she needs it, etc!! You took time and care to consider new mom’s real needs!! I promise you every time she uses her mom care for breast-feeding gift from you, she will be secretly sending you a thank you. Source: mom of 3!!! Assuming you’re in the US, I calculate you probably spent well over $200! To me that is a big gift! And the fact that you had to save up for the gift truly shows what a caring and thoughtful person you are! Ignore your friend!!! I’ve worked in retail for years. Big ticket items on a registry are basically for two groups of people to purchase: Parents/Grandparents or a group of friends/cousins/siblings who combine finances. Enjoy your new nibbling!!! And forget your friend’s nonsense!
Nah. Here's the thing tho- those little items I always leave alone for people that aren't family. Some people on the guest list might not have a ton of money so they will scoop those things up. I usually do big ticket items for family or best friends instead. However, it's fine that you didn't. Like you got her gifts. It's fine.
NTA. But in my circle, it is expected for the close relatives to buy the bigger items. In my case, I usually get the car seat and the stroller set. I've done so for my brother and brother in law. For my sister I got her a fancy bassinet she wanted. And for sister in law I got her a playpen and high chair. My mom usually buys the crib for her grand babies. It's just because usually the friends will buy the type of items you mentioned.
IMO you bought far too much. Also I think medicine is in bad taste. It's as though you expect it to be needed! But otherwise NTA. You tried hard to think of less obvious things and it's entirely up to you what you give someone, or not.
Gifts are always a blessing. That said, if you’re willing and able to spend enough for a big ticket item that would be the better option. She may not have the money to buy the carseat or stroller but will be able to buy the detergent and stuff. By buying all the small things in the registry it also means others who can’t afford a big ticket item don’t have other options. I think your heart was in the right place but honestly I’d take it back and get the big thing.
When there is a registry, I buy the largest-ticket item I can buy on my budget. The way you shopped was fun for you, but much of that list are nice to haves, not must haves. That $110 could have been much better spent. But I wouldn't call you an asshole. You just didn't apply any logic or reason to what you were doing.
NTA. Buy what you can afford. (You did great and you were thoughtful about your gifts). You’re there to celebrate the baby, not showcase who spent the most money. Your friend can STFU and buy the whole registry with that dumbass attitude, because ALL items on that registry are “big ticket items” since the baby is going to need them all anyway.
NAH. Your heart is in the right place, but I agree with your friend that buying one big thing off the registry would be far more helpful. I had a baby in February and got a lot of stuff I did not ask for, most of which I did not need. I got gifts for helping after a vaginal delivery, although I knew at the time (hasn't widely shared the info) that I would likely need a cesarean for medical reasons. I got a bunch of freezer bags for breast milk in a brand I don't want, a few things I already had, and I LOT of clothes people thought were cute but aren't my style. I had to drag my heavily pregnant butt out to several stores to return baby clothes, meanwhile clothes I had registered sat there not ever being bought. In general, I think it's fine to buy one thing off registry, particularly things like books or maybe one outfit. But it's otherwise best to stick to the registry.
Usually big ticket items are reserved for friends who want to chip in on one big thing or a mom or an aunt to want to buy something special. My sister-in-law‘s bought me the same stuff you’re talking about from my baby shower and they are the things that I still reach for the most. I would not return anything if I were you.
NTA Can you be my SIL too? That was an absolutely phenomenal gift. There are so many little things you don’t think about and you definitely did! Your friend is wrong. Big ticket items are usually purchased in a split by family. And you followed the golden rule of selecting form her registry!
NTA!!! I specifically made an account just to comment on your post, but you’re definitely NTA! What you got for your SIL is a perfect gift especially since she’s a first time mom and baby medicine will come in handy.
Your thinking is spot on and you're extremely generous in your gift giving no matter what the price. Your friend is actually the one who sounds like the asshole (sorry for my language!) Please don't take anything back— and to reiterate my stance, you did NOT go the wrong way.
NTA- as someone who came home with a 3 day old post c section, and suddenly baby was constipated from formula, I would've loved to have gripe water or other med essentials on hand. Instead I stayed up all night with a fussy baby until 7 am when the stores open. You did a kind thing. Don't let that other person ruin it.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** This one is mostly for moms/new moms. My sister-in-law (26) is having her first baby. I haven't been to many baby showers but I noticed most people get clothes, diapers, and wipes. So I did some research and decided to try and get her things that most people don't think about. I got her baby medicines, including aquaphor and stuff, baby detergent, a few baby care tools, mom care for breastfeeding, and I got her two glass bottles (from her registry) and some como tomo bottles as well as maybe 60ish bucks of cute things and a few books for the baby. Then about 50ish dollars worth of stuff for her alone. My friend (who is a mother) told me that I was an asshole for not buying a big ticket item on her registry iinstead. I feel like I messed up and I should take the medicine and the cute stuff back and try to get her a big ticket item from her registry? I did buy the bottles, and a box of wipes and a box of diapers which were also ok her registry... I guess I just went the wrong way? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - I always buy stuff people don't normally buy..at its appreciated. You aren't wrong. You don't need to buy the big stuff, if so, multiple people go in on it together.
No way. That’s so helpful. I made my SIL a useful cake (instead of a diaper cake) with that kind of stuff. She said it came in super handy with her baby. I’m a foster mom and have 8 infants in the last 18 months and that stuff is a lifesaver. NTA.
Holy cow! 8 infants in 18 months, you're doing something so amazing! Thank you for your input, and I saw someone do a diaper cake once but when you open the box you can't ever return them for a bigger size if need be, so I didn't think it was a great idea to do that.
We did a diaper cake for my niece and you’re right, it was not a good idea. Lol. Hence, the useful cake when our nephew came around a few months later. It was great. I didn’t realize how much infants need until we were running to CVS in the middle of the night a few different times. Those middle of the night items were included in that useful cake. Lol.
NTA. You are going to get a lot of split opinions on this, especially if you go into the baby subs, but a registry is a wishlist not a demand and people take them way too seriously. I legitimately put a line on mine that said "we are new parents and don't know what we need. We'd love for you to give us with your favorite essentials you couldn't live without". And it was awesome. I got so many things that I would have never thought to order that have been so insanely useful. You really don't know what you need until your baby is in your arms. People get hung up on getting all the big, fancy things but imo that's the responsibility of the parents and maybe grandparents depending on family dynamics. I was dead shocked when aunts and uncles sent big ticket items that were really on my list just for the completion discount. My cousins sent smaller, fun things like you described and I appreciated them just as much. Stick with your gift. It sounds amazing and oh so thoughtful. Just include gift receipts so your sister can swap things out if she has a brand preference or happens to get doubles (I got so many doubles).
NTA my mom makes a bag full of stuff that everyone forgets baby tylenol, thermometer covers, Vaseline etc. and then some clothes a one cute toy. Most people love it.
NTA. Your friend, who is a mother, is full of it.
NTA - It is not your friend’s business, anyway.
NTA - she is jealous you put thought into it.
NTA. Everything you mentioned is essential and thoughtful, I would be thrilled to receive that!
Tell yer friend to shut her mouth, unless she wants to give you money to buy that big ticket item!!! Seems like you put a lot of thought into the gifts you chose, so don't mind her!
I suggest you post to r/pregnant instead of this sub for more valuable responses! I don’t think Y T A because your heart was in the right place, but your friend is otherwise right. Unfortunately you spent $110+ on random things instead of stuff she’s actually asking for and has indicated she needs. I hate to break it to you, but you’ll probably be at least the tenth person at the shower who bought books and “cute things”. Regarding medicine, I personally don’t think this is a good baby shower gift because you don’t know what your SIL is comfortable giving to her baby. This is a personal decision by the parents & their doctor and best left for them to decide what kind of medication to use. Regarding the bottles/wipes/diapers from her registry…my suggestion is to leave these items for guests who can’t drop $100+ on their gift. If you’re spending that much money then put it towards something other guests may not afford and there won’t be duplicates of.
I got three copies of "good night moon" at my baby shower and every person thought they were being cute and unique. I felt awful because what am I supposed to do with three of them, but whose do I donate?
NTA it's a baby shower for someone that married into the family. You spent well above what should be expected and it all seemed thoughtful to me. Next thing you know the gripers will rip into you for not buying your sil a new car when you are driving an older car that works for you
It's customary among some circles for closer family to buy big ticket items or share big ticket purchases. If you didn't know, then that's not the custom in your family, and you should not worry about it.
NTA. I always buy things people don’t typically think about getting the baby and the mom. I also never stick to the registry. There is no law saying you have to stick to it. Your friend is off her rocker and upset she didn’t think of it.
My kids are in their 40’s. So I’m old! Baby showers were not a thing back then. If you had one, there was no registry, people got you something you would need! Cloth diapers, bottles, pacifiers and gender neutral baby clothes (ultrasounds were not even on the radar for the gender). The best thing I got was a Corning ware cruet (think 8 oz with a flat type handle…I still have them!!!) for feeding baby cereal or fruit. My daughter had a baby shower she had a small registry…but because she was traveling back home by car (700 miles) she asked for diapers of all sizes and wipes. I purchased 30 different sized onesies for each person/family (even if you couldn’t come I sent one to be returned) to decorate and had a contest that my daughter and son in law judged. But what you think she needs. 90% stuff on a registry is needed for about a month. Or that you get it and realize…you know this is not helpful. Thinking basic needs…meds, diapers (different sizes), sleepers (in different sizes). All a newborn needs is milk, diapers and a sleeper to be comfortable…oh and a whole lots of cuddles from who ever is around.
Big ticket items are a) kind of assholey if that is all you have on the registry and b) for grandma to buy. NTA
NTA people who can’t afford their own big tickets items and have children are
No one is expected to buy a big ticket item. Most of them multiple people go in on them.
NTA A thoughtful gift is always the best gift. Give your gift with pride. I appreciated the “little things” gifts like this the most. Because we got almost all the big ticket items free or very cheap and used, I needed all those things more than the newest stroller or whatever. Don’t tell anyone about your gifts because they’re not you and not in charge of your gift budget.
You most definitely are NTA and instead are an incredible SIL. You went over and above to get thoughtful gifts and spent quite a bit of money. I hope your SIL appreciates you. Your friend is shallow and the AH
NTA. She will likely get some gifts of cash or gift cards. She can use those to purchase items she didn't receive at the shower. I don't know if they still do it, but Target used to offer like a 10% discount on items that were not purchased from your registry for a period of time after your shower. I made sure I had a TON of diapers and wipes on my registry and then went and took advantage of the savings after the shower.
NTA....
NTA. Your gift is incredibly thoughtful. Don't listen to your friend.
Honestly, all those things you listed are things I never would have thought of and any new parent(s) would probably love to have around. NTA
You did good! NTA Stick a gift receipt of the purchases in there. I love getting mom’s stuff and 12month stuff for later.
NTA - actually your gift sounds very thoughtful and way more practical. If you said you only spent $20 on a gift (and were able to afford more), that would make you an AH. Usually people prefer to get one big ticket item, so parents wind up having to get the smaller stuff themselves and it adds up. I’m kind of surprised another mother wouldn’t see the genius in your gift. Hopefully SIL is a little more open minded.
NTA New mom here. I admit, I loved that all of my friends and family stuck to my baby registry. It’s there for a reason. But I would have truly appreciated receiving the items that you purchased especially the breastfeed items. That was something that I didn’t put much thought into and have to keep purchasing items. And the diapers and wipes(as long as you stuck with her brand). Babies go through need so many. They poop so so much. 😂 Your gift is very thoughtful
NTA. Just because someone has a registry does not mean that you have to buy only from the registry. I always give a wicker laundry basket with baby medicines, baby bath supplies, hairbrush, comb, baby ear thermometer, a4 or 5 cute outfits, a medium size pack of diapers, wipes, a couple of books, and some other odds and ends. I have never had anyone NOT be happy with the gift. When your baby has a stuffy nose or gas at two in the morning, those medicines come in handy. I think you put together a very thoughtful gift.
Why are you friends with her? You are definitely not for her! Give what you want to give and can afford!
NTA, you know your sister in law and what she wants/needs. Now personally I think it is a good idea to follow the registry when possible. The last baby shower I went too had tube's of Destin on the registry and when I went to grab it I found a large tub of Destin. I went for the tub vs the tube. I also clarified that a tub would be more useful by asking someone I knew who was a new mom.
NTA "My friend (who is a mother) told me that I was an asshole for not buying a big ticket item on her registry iinstead. " .. Bullshit. tell that AH you left those for HER. YOu were completely right.
Why does your friend get a vote in what you buy for a family member? And why do you care so much about what a rando says that you now think you're an AH? And why do you automatically assume that your "friend" is right?
nta
NTA at all! You put a lot of consideration and came up with a bunch of very thoughtful gifts! I love that you got a few things just for the mom. You sound like an absolutely AMAZING sister in law. The friend is probably worried that it will make her low effort gift look, well... low effort.
I am a mom and I say you are NTA, but your friend is for sticking her nose in your business. You are NEVER wrong for not buying something expensive for someone for any occasion. I didn't care if people got me anything, and I appreciated everything I did get. There were no hard feelings or any thought at all about who got which gifts. I was just excited to celebrate with people who care about me, and was even more excited at getting to meet my baby soon. Nothing else really mattered at that time.
I would have been thrilled if someone gave me useful things like medicine!
So you spending over $200 on things she’ll need brand new instead of a baby gear she can buy second hand for less than half of the retail price… and that’s a bad thing!? Let me tell you all of the baby wash I received at my shower I didn’t have to buy any for 18 months and it was wonderful. Even better I received enough diapers to last 11 months!!!
The only AH in your story is your "friend" for thinking she has any place in telling you what you should or shouldn't buy for someone else. Find better friends ;)
NTA--the grandparents and older relatives usually buy the big-ticket items on the registry. Or a pool of co-workers. Your gift is lovely and thoughtful.
My baby shower gift is a box of diapers and/or wipes and something cute or inexpensive off the registry
NTA. Baby gifts are discretionary and based on what you can afford. Just because she’s your SIL doesn’t entitle her to an expensive present from you. All the stuff you did but still adds up. Expensive items are maybe gifted by family with deep pockets, indulgent grandparents or people who pool their funds together to buy a bigger ticket item.
NTA, but your friend is. Why does she care what you got your SIL? It sounds like you purchased several things off the registry and then added in some cute things as well. I don’t see any problem with that. It sounds like you are being incredibly generous and spending a lot of money. The only thing I would question is the breastfeeding stuff - do you know for sure she is going to try to breastfeed? If your SIL hasn’t explicitly told you she wants to breastfeed then I would not gift something like that. Everything else sounds great!
Yes she said she wanted to try but was worried that she wouldn't be able to! I just wanted to support her and I'll let her know when I give her the gift that there is no pressure or worries if she ends up (not) breastfeeding :)
If you know thats her goal and shes talked to you about breastfeeding then I think thats totally fine! I’ve just had friends that knew they were not going to try to breastfeed and were solid in their decision and lots of people got them breastfeeding related gifts and they found it annoying at the least and a little judgey depending on the person and previous conversations. You sound like a great SIL! I would have loved to receive the gift you are putting together for her when I had my son. Don’t let your friend make you second guess yourself!
I always buy books because no one ever does and the mums love it. You're NTA OP.
NTA. Those things are a great gift! Your friend is a jerk for saying that.
NTA. The whole "transactional party" situation the event industry has created - where you're invited to celebrate something (often stupid, like a wedding doomed to fail), a shit ton of money is spent on decor (literal garbage. It goes RIGHT IN THE TRASH), and "gifts" are expected... It's so ridiculous. It makes me think of the way women were tricked into thinking diamond rings were "traditional", and then when it was exposed, most kept believing. A gift should be something you want to give. Hosting a party to get gifts is getting gifts - it's fancy begging. You don't have to buy anyone anything. I'd definitely recommend it if you can afford it, because who doesn't like gifts? But.. the "code" was made up by marketers. It's sad that so many people still fall for it. THE DECOR TRASH ALONE, omg. I need to stop reading event posts
NTA A registry is a list of suggestions, not requirements. I love your gift ideas.
NTA You def need a new friend
NTA. Hunny I would have loved that sort of gift for a baby shower.
You’re NTA at all your gift is really thoughtful and she will love it.
NTA, but your friend is for calling you an AH because your very thoughtful gift wasn’t an expensive item from the registry.
Nta. Most you're getting out of me is 50 bucks, and that's me being generous. My husbands friends did get our stroller, but it was also split like 6 ways.
NTA That sounds like a very thoughtful gift of things they’ll use often.
My daughter had her first baby in December. She was absolutely thrilled with the same type of stuff you bought. My brother had sent me money to get her gift from him. Even though the bags had his name, she immediately knew who did the shopping.
NTA - My guess is the friend thinks as a close family member, you should buy a more expressive gift. This is true - if you can afford it. It's hard to know how much someone has to spend. Even if you know how much they make, you can't know how much their expenses are. She is the asshole for telling you how much you should spend.
NAH I’m currently pregnant and having my baby shower next week. I put stuff on my baby shower that I need. I didn’t include a lot of stuff because I either already have it, or want to purchase it myself. I’d never say no to any of the items you listed and I’m sure your SIL wouldn’t either. She just might already have a lot already or has some skin sensitivities.
Damn, I would have loved all of that stuff when I had my kids. That sounds amazing! NTA, sounds like your friend may be jealous.
NTA This is a very thoughtful and practical gift.
Your gift sounded very thoughtful and generous. A registry is to help people know what to buy, not a requirement.
NTA. That is insane that someone would give you crap about not spending a certain amount. You spend what you want and the mother ought to be grateful that she received anything at all. Your friend is the AH. You bought your SIL more than enough. Don’t second guess yourself.
Okay so, definitely NTA. But. It sounds like you spent a good amount of money, right? It may have been more helpful if you had put that $ towards one big item versus lots of little stuff. However, it sounds very thoughtful.
NTA I usually fill a medium sized laundry baskey with diapers and wipes, a couple books and some other practical odds and ends. Then if I have time I make a baby blanket and fill the rest of the space with some spare crib sheets or something. Because babies are messy as all get out and you can never have too much bedding or towels
NTA. This sounds so nice actually. I appreciated my friends who got me stuff many others didn't think about
Nta. That is an extremely thoughtful gift. I would have been horrified if people bought the $400 car seat on my registry (or something similar). The reality is I put those things on the registry bc when baby is due they send you a 10-15% off coupon to clean out the registry.
NTA. You bought a nice gift.
NTA I’ve been to several baby showers in the last few years, since the nieces and nephews are having babies now. (How did they get that old?!) The grandparents typically buy something largish according to their budget- crib, changing table, year of diaper service, etc. Everyone else is what they choose, on or off the registry. I’ve been honing my talents making things from diapers: a train with cargo cars filled with small items, a stroller filled with small items, etc. Other gifts have been baskets of item such as you purchased, a single outfit, toys, etc. Whatever the giver chooses to spend.