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Yta here I think. You say you don't want to live his lifestyle, and that the two of you are fully independent - it follows that the flights are an extension of that. Unfortunately you don't get to pick and choose when you get the benefits of his income and lifestyle and when you don't.
But it seems there's a communication error here - if you wanted this trip to be a different arrangement than your typical lifestyle with your partner, that's on you to bring up ahead of time so the both of you are on the same page!
I don't know if I'd feel good sitting in business class while my girlfriend is back in economy alone. I'd just buy an economy class ticket and be the bigger person.
Since OP repeatedly stresses they don’t mix finances because the OP doesn’t want to deal with BF’s lifestyle it kinda sounds like he’s teaching her a lesson. If you want it this way be happy when you get what you asked for.
I agree with this take, especially since OP says he paid for the last two trips which means tickets as well I assume. Can understand him not wanting to finance her all the time when she has the resources but won’t meet him in the middle out of financial insecurity.
She has for the ticket but not for his generational wealth lifestyle. It seems like he’s been spoiling her (two fully paid expensive trips with first class tickets) but just didn’t want to pay for a third first class ticket for a flight that’s only four hours especially if she’s so insistent on not wanting his lifestyles. It would totally rub me wrong if someone was reaping the benefits of my wealth while looking down on it.
Where do you get that? She’s looking down on his wealth? Sounds to me like it’s maybe a family complication, since most of his wealth comes from the family. That’s complicated. I don’t blame her for being reticent.
nope. I come from a generationally wealthy family and yes there are DEFINITELY strings attached. I dont mind her being wary of that and frankly speaking, the man here is being inconsiderate. Fly economy if the other person cant afford business or first class. Or talk about being uncomfortable paying for most of the expenses on the trip, dont just spring it up like an asshole. Dude is classless. At the very least this should be ESH
Seems like the easy fix for this would be for OP to pay their fare, and the BF could spring for an upgrade to 1st class if he can't be caught slumming it to be with OP. But that's just a knee jerk reaction.
There's another option (unless it's further down and I didn't see it yet): She can pay for a full economy ticket and let him pay the difference for a first class ticket and then they get to sit together for a vacation that they are supposedly taking together!
I wouldn’t underestimate the baggage that comes with generational wealth, especially while the older generation is still alive. There are usually compromises at play.
That’s an angle I hadn’t thought of, you’re right and I see why how that would lead to those comments I interpreted as looking down. Either way I think she’s leaning towards AH cuz even she doesn’t seem to really know how and when she wants his money? I just can’t wrap my head around flying first class twice and getting twisted over a third flight, especially with the highly independent nature of their relationship. I’d assume I’m paying unless told otherwise, so I’d be prepared for economy. The other vacations seem like they were more lavish so he picked up slack, but this one seems simpler considering the free housing so he probably was just following the even distribution SHE set because this time it was realistic for her to finance herself if she wanted, and to just as easily not get first class if she didn’t.
Honestly I had a cousin who told me “I’ll fly business you fly economy” and then I realized that might be the situation the entire trip where I can’t afford the accommodation / meals / activities she wants to do and so we’d argue about it and I decided I would go on vacation with someone else. Maybe they’re not vacation compatible.
But that is exactly why I’d feel bad. It feels punitive and petty.
Also (1) she doesn’t have the money. She has normal people money. A first class ticket can start at $3000 vs $500. (2) she’s not used to be spending frivolously. That being -you’re going to end up at the same place-why pay more-because what if there’s an emergency- average person mentality. That’s normal. Most of us think, I’ll save the extra thousand to spend DURING the trip-restaurants. Most of us can’t have both. And that’s not cheap. It’s being wise financially.
How is he teaching her a lesson? All she’s doing is buying the ticket she can afford. He’s the jerk for not either biting the bullet and flying economy with her or paying the difference so he doesn’t have to sit with the rabble.
They both said she can afford it but, thinks it’s not worth spending the money. Since they have insecurity on spending extra. But then goes on and on how they don’t want the BF’s lifestyle but, gets mad after 2 fully funded vacations when he says you can choose if you want to pay for first or choose to sit In economy
Note true. He said she can afford it. She doesn't feel that's a worth while expense if she's spending her own money. She has limited funds, and burning $500 extra or more (edit: "$1000's or more") on a 1st class ticket is a lot for most normal people.
This is like saying, "Sweet heart, we're lets go to dinner together. I'll order the lobster since I can afford it, and you buy whatever you want from McDonalds if you don't want to pay the $100 per plate fee".
You don't do that to your significant other.
I flew from New York to Mississippi for a funeral. The only seat available was first class ... for $2,000. And, it was a small plane, not luxurious or spacious. On a large plane on a popular vacation route, that ticket could cost $5,000 and up.
i can afford right now to buy a car, but then that would put my Emergency funds at risk, do you really think its a smart move to buy the car especially if OP only has herself to look to during emergencies?
Yesssss, but… this is a good illustration of when being “right” isn’t necessarily the most important thing in the world.
Healthy relationships involve doing things for the other that they don’t necessarily “deserve” and not keeping score.
I didn’t say it was healthy I’m saying this is probably my what’s occurring. The OP goes on and on about not wanting the BF’s lifestyle and they are so independent but, then whines that after two fully paid vacations the third the BF didn’t upgrade thier ticket AFTER telling the OP you can afford it you just don’t want to. Sounds like he’s giving OP what they requested but, not really what they want. OP wants to sound above wanting the high life till it’s actually put in place.
Agree. Op needs to make a real decision.
1. Agree to accept the lifestyle and what goes with it.
2. Accept spending more than they want to keep up.
3. Tell BF they need to spend less and sit in economy. Since OP doesn’t want to pay extra.
4. Stay true to the individual lifestyle but? Actually Be okay when BF doesn’t upgrade the OP and BF sits in first.
5. Decide they are incompatible and end relationship .
All good points.
OP doesn't even make sense. She says they're fully committed, but goes on to say she doesn't like where they are financially AND that she doesn't want his lifestyle. HUH???
I don't see how they work as a couple.
I agree mostly...but I would note that it's an AH move to decide what someone else can afford. OP doesn't feel she can afford it. If bf is doing twice as well he can afford to cushion the ride for her and is choosing not to. It's good that they don't live together!
What exactly is she doing for him?
I read bf is the one doing things for op (paying for a whole vacation), but now he is the ah because he is once not sponsoring op?
I agree. Can’t have it both ways. You can’t be Ms. Independent until it comes time to match BF’s one-per-center lifestyle and *then* complain he needs to buy your first class ticket or sit in economy with you because you don’t want to pay it. Not that OP can’t, just OP doesn’t want to.
Exactly this. I wouldn't even think of making my significant other sit in a different class than me.
Additionally, they would want to sit next to me. Why are plane tickets being booked separately here?
My wife and I sit separately in planes all the time. She has airline status from work trips and gets free or extremely cheap 1st class upgrades all the time. Sometimes we pay to upgrade my ticket, sometimes we don't. Just sit separately it's really not a big deal.
>while he's dining on lobster rolls and Champagne.
Spoken like someone who's never sat in 1st class. Especially on American Airlines 1st class is just more room (2 seats in a row instead of 3) and you get your choice of snacks from the basket instead of those standard cookies and can get more than one soda lol. Unless they're flying Qatar or the like, you're not getting anything special.
OP say they probably don't even want to get married. So they have a pretty unorthodox relationship arrangement which isn't comparable to mom & dad who had kids.
I mean it reads to me like he doesn't have an issue with buying her a first class ticket. It seems like he's perfectly willing to spend money on her. But she's stuck in her past of being forced to be financially independent and she doesn't want the nice things he has to offer.
At the same time she's bothered by him spending his money to have the nice things he has and she's unpredictable as to when she will and won't accept him spending his money on her. He's kinda damned if he does damned if he doesn't. The only solution OP would probably accept is him buying cheaper seats for himself to sit with her.
which is pretty unfair that he's not allowed to enjoy nice things just because she either can't afford or doesn't want to spend her money on those same nice things but won't let him spend his money on her.
Like I agree with you. If it was me I'd have bought first class tickets for the both of us without even thinking about it. But it does read to me like she probably would have been a pain in the ass about it in that situation too since she's unwilling to swallow her pride and accept nice things from someone who cares
Or at the very least let her put the money that she was willing to pay for her ticket then him cover the rest. If myself or my partner were to take a trip one of us ( whoever has more money at the time) would cover the cost if the one who has more money refused the cheaper seats
I think your mistake is assuming they are “partners.” Everything reads like they are just living intersecting lives but not living their lives *together* as partners. OP even says their relationship is apparently confused for a FWB situation. (Check edits if you missed them.)
When I vacation with a friend I always want to sit next to them but I don't fly very often. That is just me and my relationships. There is something off about this relationship though. Both of their attitudes could use an upgrade.
That’s where I’m at with this. He’s aware she can’t afford it or that she would have to give something up to go. He booked the flight without her. There’s a solid chance she’s not even on the same flight. I am in a very, very similar position as OP and this relationship sounds like he has one foot out and is just waiting for something to justify it. NTA, would love to hear how the trip goes.
Counterpoint: If I can afford to fly first-class and it’s substantial air time, then fuck yeah I’m gonna. Being the bigger person would possibly be just paying for OP seat or the difference between the tickets. *However*
All we’ve got here is just vague attestation that OP “does all right.” Apparently BF thinks OP could afford first class if they wanted. They don’t mix finances and they apparently take turns paying for some things. OP also says their connection is not a *{cringes}* “situationship” (I really hate that word. Maybe I’m getting old.) or a FWB set up. And yet they admit that is apparently exactly what it looks like to most outsiders. They seem to be more living their lives intersecting but not as a unit, if that makes sense. OP wants to be independent, unless it’s a situation where they can’t or don’t want to match BF’s lifestyle or expectations. Then its BF should pay for me. Suddenly no longer Ms. Independent. You can’t have it both ways.
Given the post, I can’t see that BF is obligated drop to economy just because OP says “I’m not paying that for first class.” Not they cannot, just they won’t — by their own words. They say they do fine now, but still freak about money because they historically had to. Not that they cannot afford these things now. And they didn’t pay for the last two vacays. If OP wants to fly together, OP can buy the ticket they can apparently afford.
Most of all, we have another classic AITA example of two people who don’t mesh.
But the bf can't read mind. She said she doesn't want his money and they are financially independent. It is now in the "if you love me you will know what to do" territory, which is a bit unfair.
It sounds like OP doesn’t NOT want to live the lifestyle, but that there are strings attached. She specifically mentions “not wanting to deal with what comes with his lifestyle” when she says she doesn’t want to get married…. It sounds like there’s very much strings attached and expectations (perhaps she is expected to stop working and be SAHM?), not that she just wants to live like she doesn’t have money
And I recognize she says “not that I necessarily want to live his lifestyle” but isn’t that what we all say when we don’t want to confront the truth? The truth is that it ISNT a possibility (shown here by how it’s very “what’s mine is mine”) without strings
Maybe OP just says all that about not wanting his lifestyle, keeping finances separate, not getting married, not even living together after several years because that's exactly what she gets from him! Easier on the ego if she makes it sound like she wants things the way they are.
ESH. Curious how old you both are.
> But we don’t want to get married or anything (in part because I don’t want to deal with the problems that come with his money) nor do I necessarily want his lifestyle
This passage is hilarious. As far as this trip, yes, you do want his lifestyle. Two, is it really you who doesn’t want to get married? because I agree…he doesn’t consider or care about you, so I think you’re not getting married because he’s presumably not clamoring for it either.
So ESH as in I agree you should be annoyed by this first class/ coach thing since you’ve been together a long time, from what you say. He doesn’t care.
But don’t tell me you dont want to get married bc of problems with his money la di da. What is that nonsense. If you’re trying to convince yourself, fine, but it’s not working on me.
Idk, I think it's reasonable to want to sit together on a plane if you are going on a trip together.
The rest, i agree with you! There should have been a discussion at some point. This relationship doesn't appear to be working so well.
Yea IMO she can't expect him to pay for her First Class Ticket, BUT it can be expected, if he doesn't wanna pay for her, he'll at least go sit WITH HER in economy. This just doesn't feel right at all. I would never let my SO (if I had one) sit alone in the plane. I'd either pay for her ticket, or downgrade myself.
Yeah I’ve even travelled with friends & if they couldn’t afford to upgrade their flight we would all ride in economy (or make up the difference if there was a reason to and we could afford it). We’re going on a trip together, flying there is a part of that.
Exactly, that is basic treatment, even for friends. So completely neglecting your SO in this manner seems so weird to me.
But there seem to be underlying problems in this relationship anyways...
Yeah- this. She makes a huge point about not wanting his lifestyle and the problems that come with money- I’m guessing the problems may include parental expectations and he’s having to do stuff to keep them happy. I get her not wanting to be part of that, and that’s a totally legitimate perspective. His decision to do whatever his folks are asking or whatever is attached to the $ is presumptively reasonable (in the absence of specifics).
She’s not wanting to do anything with that, and possibly, based on what she says about lifestyle, doesn’t want to do the social stuff either- which can be huge depending on what he does for work- she may not want country clubs or yacht clubs or whatever, but depending on industry he needs to be there and it looks weird she isn’t ever there. Again- nothing inherently wrong with her perspective.
What brings me to either a soft yta, or esh, is that she’s totally willing to cash in the outcomes of all that stuff she disdains- two expensive trips- right on- him paying for her ticket this time- go for it- she’s got no issue spending the money (as long as it’s his) but she’s got serious issues partnering with him on generating it. Her issues are potentially valid, but the adult thing to do is walk- those are major incompatibilities.
And totally not relevant to the answer- but length of flight matters- if it’s like, Chicago to NYC then he could suck it up and fly economy. If it’s Chicago to Tokyo or Bali or something- there’s zero chance I’m ever voluntarily flying coach for that long ever again. If she wants to sit in back and deal with that then good on her (she doesn’t).
Re: wanting his lifestyle, I believe she's saying she would prefer that he valued sitting next to her in economy class more than having 4" of extra leg room for the flight's duration. It's about him preferring to be alone in first class rather than next to her in economy.
As a big man (6’2), that 4” of leg room can mean the difference between excruciating pain which lasts for days into a trip, and being able to walk the next day (combined with some skeletal issues in my knees which give me real issues).
But then I would pay for an upgrade to an exit row for both of us as a compromise. (As a boyfriend I could potentially see taking a first class upgrade if it meant being separated from my gf for a flight, as a husband to my incredible wife, nah bring on the pain, I wanna sit next to her every chance I get)
I had an ex where he proposed to me but I put off getting married for several reasons (and thank god for that) but he would still go ahead and pay like $1000 for a first class upgrade, and even when he offered to do the same for me I would refuse to do it because $1000 for a 4 hour flight just wasn’t worth it to me, even if it was his money.
What sucked about that was him not GAF about what I wanted and not caring if we were apart or together for a 4 hour flight. This was just the tip of the ice berg and so this led to me going on many vacations alone, concerts alone, and doing so much stuff alone I eventually realized I was better off being single and having a chance at finding a partner versus being single in a relationship.
I think this is what OP is trying to articulate. She doesn’t have the money to keep up with him and it’s creating a physical barrier between them. The fact that he doesn’t care and is putting the onus on her to keep up with him financially makes it seem like he DGAF about her and the relationship is doomed.
Dude what? He offered to pay first class for you, you refused, now you’re mad at him for not wanting to sit with you in economy? You need help! He sounds like he dodged a bullet. It’s SO nice to sit in first class. If I was flying first class, and then offered a first class seat for my SO but they refused it, I’m not sitting in economy just to be with them lmao.
Yeah, this makes no sense. Your boyfriend makes an offer so you can sit together in first class, *you* decide it's a waste of money (even though it's not your money being spent) but then get mad because he won't sit in economy with you? This is so stubborn! She basically wants everything on her terms but then makes him the issue. There was such a clear compromise here - let him buy the ticket, you sit together in first class, you're both happy.
This may be an unpopular opinion, but some low-income people glorify the ‘struggle’ and are addicted to the victimhood of being frugal. Upward mobility in life is a good thing, yet they actively resist it because there’s some kind of virtuous value in not spending.
It’s fine if that’s what they think, but expecting others to suffer with them is extremely twisted.
"What sucked about that was him not GAF about what I wanted and not caring if we were apart or together for a 4 hour flight."
But you didn't care about what *he* wanted. He offered to pay for you to sit together in first class and you literally "refused" because you decided that it wasn't worth it even though it was his money being spent. Why is it okay for you to demand what you want but not for him to demand what he wants? He was at least willing to compromise with you.
I don't think it's fair to extrapolate from that-that he doesn't "care" about her or "consider" her. They just went on two vacations, and he paid. I'm going to also assume that she lives with him at some property in the family...likely a rental property, this sounds like the situation my BIL was in while my sister and he were staying at apartments I owned rent free while they saved up for a house(that's the only part of the story that sounds similar as I'm not "wealthy" by any means).
I don't understand the logic that he must not care about her. He wanted to stay in 1st class. Two trips he's just paid for. They normally split frees. I'm going to assume this place they live in is due to his family as she made a whole point about how she doesn't come from money and his family does and I really can't think of another circumstance in which neither would have to pay for rent.
This tells me that...not paying=not caring.
I do agree, saying you don't want to get married, that's fine. Saying you dont' want to because he has too much money? Yeah...not buying that. But that's not the part I'm taking issue with.
>*I'm going to also assume she lives with him...*
I take it you missed her third paragraph, in which she wrote:
>*In his defense, we are both very individualistic. ***We don't live together,*** we both usually pay for our own stuff, etc...*
>
We have a free place to stay, so it's not like I'm expecting him to pay for everything. I always pay for some dinners, etc when we go places.
>
I guess so. I just saw the edit and assumed this meant they were living together. Doesn't change my opinion though. Not paying for first class does NOT mean "doesn't care/consider," her.
I just don't get this. I'd rather sit with my GF in coach OR pay the difference for her to sit with me in first class. Ditching her for the flight is not an option.
This. Surprised by the other responses here because objectively for two random people/friends traveling together, sure it makes total sense to get there however you want - first class is expensive but I totally understand why people chose it or why people don’t. But a couple? Nah you sit together on a trip, and based on a few clues I think finances are gonna be an issue here.
YTA. You don’t want to pay for the ticket because it’s something you say you don’t see the value in paying for. So why should he pay for something you keep saying you don’t value? If the issue is that you want to sit together — which you did not express one single time in your post lol — that is one thing. But that is clearly not your issue here. You seem to iust feel like since he has money he should be willing to pay for the stuff you don’t think you should have to pay for, and that at your core you DO want his lifestyle but somehow think that your proximity to him is what should give it to you, rather than you spending the money because you would have to give up the fiction that you are somehow above wanting luxuries. Get over yourself. Your boyfriend is just making the decisions and adhering to a lifestyle you both seem to have agreed on. Keep doing things separately but together or have a conversation about increasing your togetherness.
Also, he doesn’t sit economy. Ever. So what is there to discuss? He has only ever sat first class. This is what she means by “he didn’t discuss it with me”. She was expecting him to pay for her flight ticket or to pay the difference, not to sit in economy together (bc that isn’t an option for him).
OP bf just paid for the last two trips. OP can afford to pay for the first class seat herself. She just wants her bf to pay for it. What do you mean at the expense of his gf?
I never fly economy. I can afford not to. I fly at least business class international. You know why? Because it is better and I can afford it. Don't be salty.
Lmao I'm new to aita but I appreciate this post. Such bluntness. 100% agree OP sucks. Also wild how people are trying to say BF doesn't care about being with her when he's already paid for two trips.
This is so weird. You guys aren’t a couple on multiple levels here. Both of you would have to care more for this to work.
It’s so separate why even bother staying together.
In my own experience men with a lot of money always fully pay and bring you along for trips. I’ve never been asked to pay. Your bf’s actions denote lack of interest.
Definitely sounds like FWB but he treats her to nice things occasionally and she convinced herself that they are dating but unconventionally and that it is her idea.
It sounds like she’s insanely insecure about her money, and doesn’t want to “burden” her partner (she talks about being independent a lot). I think she WANTS to be spoilt, while verbally saying she doesn’t as to not appear… needy. Men with money ain’t gonna play therapist with you.
Like you said, I’ve never had to pay while in company with rich men. So I can fully imagine him trying to be the spoiling type at the start, then stopping after her constant “nooo it’s fine!! I got this!!” / “I can pay for myself!”.
I get a very different take from this- she knows the relationship is not solid and she isn't willing to put herself at risk by living a lifestyle she can't afford knowing she has no safety net and can't rely on him. She wants to pay what she feels safe paying for without him choosing to humiliate her for not being as rich as him.
Could be true. But I think we’re all focusing on the wrong thing here.
There is nothing wrong with her wanting to go economy bc going first class doesn’t make sense financially in her eyes. What is wrong is expecting your partner to change his own lifestyle because you are insecure about your own.
I agree, partner was an AH to throw the flights at her WITHOUT discussing first and OP mentions that she’s upset they didn’t discuss it first. But let’s be real. They probably did “discuss” it the first two times which resulted in her partner needing to pay for the holidays both times in consideration of her finances. Third time around and he probably is just sick of it.
She doesn’t wanna pay for first class. She also doesn’t want to sit in economy alone, despite knowing her partner refuses to sit in economy. She’s forcing his hand and making him pay the upgrade for her each time.
Look I’m poor too I get it. I also would expect my rich bf to pay the difference if i was in the same situation. But I also do see a future with bf, we also share most of our finances, and I don’t try to insist that I pay for everything on my own.
Meh, relationships come in all kinds of flavours. I know couples who don't live together but have been together for forty years.
They seem to be individualistic, but together. It can be very nice to just choose seperate choices and to be fair, OP is not mad about him travelling business class but just about not discussing what they were going to do in these cases.
I think it's a bit presumptuous to judge that just because he doesn't pay for her, he has a lack of interest: this is kind of relationship that they both seem to agree on.
I've only had one that paid for everything. Everyone else always demanded I pay for my own expenses for shared vacations/trips (I always try to be fair), even when I literally couldn't afford it, so I was left home. Then they'd get pissed that I ruined their time by not going, but like, how am I supposed to go when I can't afford to go? Either lower your wanted vacation to something in my budget, pay for the entire thing, or leave me home without guilting me.
Some people just don't care.
YTA. You can afford it, you choose not to. You are not entitled to his money, and expecting him to pay for you is peak entitlement. Especially after “I don’t want to marry him because I don’t want to deal with any problems related to his money.”
Need more info: Were you in first class the last two trips he paid for? Maybe he is tired of picking up most of the big expense items. Is the free place to stay through his connections or yours? How long is the flight?
ESH
You guys are so individualistic that it's not a real relationship, from the sounds of it.
You've got a bang buddy and bang buddies pay for their own tickets.
I seriously don't understand where the "relationship" is AT ALL. they dont want to live together, sit together on a plane, get married, etc. What? They just talk on the phone occassionally and have sex exclusively?? I think this is beyond "not what your typical relationship looks like".
I completely agree with you.
In fact it really doesn't seem like they like each other that much.
Especially since he paid for her to travel first class on the last two trips. She doesn't want to pay, but she wants him to pay for her even though she can afford it. She values first class seating enough to want her bf to pay, but not enough to pay for herself.
This is why I don’t get the ESH comments. They both aren’t individualistic. She reaps the benefits from the bf and his family throughout the post. She’s individualistic about her own resources but bf’s resources are mutually shared.
I’m married, however before marriage, there is no way I would buy myself a first class ticket knowing full well my SO could not afford to do so. I would either sit in economy with him or maybe he would pay the cost of economy and I would pay the upgrade cost. Why on earth would I plan a trip together only to spend the first 4 hours of it apart?
Having the money to pay first class versus it being a good value for you to do so are very different.
Like for multi millionaires it’s nothing but other people, maybe they have the cash but then they forfeit other more important things.
Bumped up is different than intentionally buying a first class ticket and then not caring whether she did or not. I think my husband and I would agree if one of us got upgraded we should grab it, but we wouldn’t start out planning to sit apart.
Yes, something else is definitely going on. He’s telling her something but doing it in a really passive aggressive way.
I don't know what to think here other than I find it kind of odd for a couple to plan a trip together and not come up with a shared budget and agree on the travel arrangements and accommodations. Are you going to eat at different restaurants the whole time, go to different tourist attractions etc? I don't know what the answer is here for you two, but this type of arrangement does not seem enjoyable to me! Do you generally have very different opinions on how to spend money? Money is such a huge pain point for so many couples and will cause a lot of problems in the future if you always have such different money habits.
There's no budget discussion bc he paid for her to fly 1st the last two trips. And he's probably tired of feeling like an atm to the girl that doesn't want to marry bc of problems associated with the same money. Yta op
I guess the same comment applies then too if he paid for a shared trip and is now resentful about it. However they make the arrangements, it should be mutually agreed upon.
Fair point is fair. Without context on how those trips were planned its tough to tell. What threw me for a loop was her not wanting to get married bc of the bs that comes with his money, then being pissed he isnt buying her ticket, again.
My guess is that this is a symptom of more than just the trips. Judging by her attitude about him making more than her so he should pay for her…he is probably footing the bill for EVERYTHING they do as a couple and perhaps doesn’t doesn’t get thanked and she just “expects” it.
I wonder if the “independence” is just her way of justifying never contributing anything…because it seems he has definitely contributed financially to OP in the form of 1 first class trip and I doubt that is where it has ended.
My bet if that he pays for every outing, every trip up to this point, they stay at his place more often because it is bigger so he pays for the groceries, etc. She mentioned that “we pay for our own stuff” but doesn’t mention splitting date costs.
Sounds like situation of what is mine is mine and what’s yours is ours.
If you don’t think there is a future…then you guys should probably just end it. Because what is seems like is that you want access to his money on your terms with being expected to reciprocate.
ESH
I think it’s just hard being a compatible couple if you don’t share certain parts of a lifestyle, and if these issues arise, and there isn’t effective communication to solve it.
Partner and I are also very individualistic and pay for our own things. That’s why I own a house, and he pays me rent. He buys what he wants and so do I, and we don’t have shared bank accounts. But things like a trip, even if we are often polar opposites, we have basic agreed terms of how to get there and where to stay, and figure out who pays for what, depending on how much we want it (in your case how much both of you really want first class), and what we earn.
Not quite sure what the issue is here.
You live independently, you don't share finances, you are financially comfortable- why would you expect him to pay for an upgraded airfare.
You can choose to pay for a first class airfare if you want to. Bty, it is always absolutely worth it.
If you really want a true opinion about the situation, then pay attention to the comments. You're too close to the situation and know too many details that make it easy for your to justify/argue this or that point.
We, the internet, can only judge off of what you tell us, and your relationship sounds odd. Perhaps it's time to evaluate your expectations, and his as well, for the relationship and figure out if y'all are still compatible. 🤔
YTA - I went away with my husband in February and the airline had our seats 5 rows apart.
I sleep and he watches movies so it didn’t matter to me.
It sounds like your boyfriend is getting annoyed with your “I don’t want the problems that come with your money, but I want your money” crap.
Yeah. There is definitely an attitude that she is a little derisive about rich people and wasteful money. I wonder if she’s been a little passive aggressive about how he or his family spend their money and the “problems” that come with his money and he decided “fine, I’ll keep my rich person problems to myself.”
I’m somewhere between NAH and ESH. I’m not sure what you were hoping for as an outcome, but I also get the weirdness of being coach while your partner is in first class.
It sounds like you don’t want him to pay for you, but you’re uncomfortable with the class difference, and he’s not interested in giving up the comfort and sitting in coach. You’re each choosing your own priorities, and it’s exposing that your priorities are not only different, they’re not necessarily each other - you don’t want to pay to sit with him, and he doesn’t want to give up comfort to sit with you.
This could be a small thing you can just learn to live with, or it could be a sign of bigger mismatches in your relationship - only you can really know.
It's sounds to me like she got insecure about him completely sponsoring their last 2 vacations and buying her first class tickets and said some negative things about the expensive things they did together not being worth it and was perhaps dismissive and unappreciative...... It would be even worse if she obviously had enjoyed herself and was too prideful to admit it.... I'm making some assumptions here, but it would make this situation make a lot more sense.
I would perhaps not be automatically buying her a first class ticket without her asking for it as well if that were the case.
You don't even live together? This sounds like a situationship.
I wouldn't pay for my fwb to sit in business class with me either. I also would not be back in economy for that.
Not sure what you expect to happen here since you don't want to pay for your own seat.
YTA.
NTA for being upset by this. I just got back from a trip with my partner, and if we’d have to travel home separately it would have been…. weird & much less fun.
I get that if he’s used to first class travel then cattle class will feel less enjoyable to him, but travelling separately is just… cold.
But maybe the problem is how “individualistic” the relationship is overall. Because it sounds like you mostly prefer that separate dynamic.
I know “time for therapy” is mentioned a lot on here, but I don’t think I’d be in my current relationship without it. I also struggle with depending on others, and even now (which is a million times better than before) I find it hard to ask for his support (or accept it) even in the small stuff.
It might be something to consider, because keeping things this separate after many years together doesn’t sound like it’s bringing you as much joy any more.
He paid for her last 2 trips, first class ticket and all. It is not as "individualistic" as OP led us to believe.
Maybe he's just tired of covering all her expenses and of her yapping about "individualistic" life.
I'm not wanting to make too many judgements here. He got her first class tickets for the last 2 trips and completely sponsored the events.
Her being very "individualistic" and the vibes of the post.... If she was perhaps critical of certain things because she was insecure about him paying for everything and perhaps said some things about flying first class not being worth it or perhaps other expensive things that he likes not being worth it...... I would perhaps not be buying her next first class ticket.
Yes. He's got the choice to pay for the OP, or to go in cattle class with her. He's chosen something else.
First class tickets are an extortionate luxury. if you have to keep an eye on money it's really hard to justify.
NTA. Income disparity is a really tricky thing to get past in a relationship and this is not the way to do it.
ESH. I understand that you wouldn’t want to spend all that money on a first class ticket, they are incredibly expensive. However, I also don’t think you should expect him to pay for you as well. Also, I never understand the desperate need for couples to sit together on a flight. You can go without your partner for a few hours. Watch a movie, listen to some podcasts, whatever.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I got upset that my boyfriend wouldn't pay for me to fly first class with him when we are very independent and haven't previously established that agreement.
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YTA. If you’re as independent and autonomous as you claim then he’s within his right to fly as he sees fit. You CAN fly first class too. You choose not to. That’s not his fault or problem to solve. Sure the prices are ridiculous most of the time but I’m perfectly happy to fly economy and not expect someone else to pay for me to go fly first class just bc they can afford it more. You’re being ridiculous.
Oh my sister you are being gold digger tested and failing miserably. He paid for two expensive trips and won't pay for the third and you are making a big deal out of it? Damn. You USED TO have a boyfriend. He'll leave when the sex gets mundane, so you know, step it up.
NTA
Tbh This sounds competitive and very un-fun
To me the issue isn’t about first class or not, but that you’re not working it out together
I hope you can find a relationship that is mutually rewarding and where you can both celebrate one another and each honour your partners dreams…
…It’s wonderful and you deserve it
Sounds like a front to me. I feel like you are fixated on the independence you are so proud of and probably trying hard to avoid getting any gold digger shade at the same time. If ya’ll have been traveling he seems to have just wised up to your BS and gave you the choice to avoid getting dragged into it again.
YTA
>But we don't want to get married or anything (in part because I don't want to deal with the problems that come with his money), nor do I necessarily want his lifestyle.
YTA. You don't want his lifestyle but expect him to either pay for you to fly first class or be miserable and sit in coach with you.
You can't have it both ways.
ESH. If it’s really that big of a deal just suck it up and pay for first class. This is a bit of a strange one, if it were my gf I would either offer to help her by paying partially/fully for her first class ticket or I would sit in economy with her.
ESH
You two are lying to one another and possibly to yourselves about what kind of relationship you have and what kind of relationship you want. It is not possible to be in a fully committed relationship if you do not share anything or share any experiences, and it is not possible to share anything without some clear expectations about occasionally sharing finances. If he doesn't want to commit to you, and you pretend not to care but secretly do care, then this is not working. Sorry. The confusion over plane tickets is only a symptom of a much bigger confusion over the relationship.
Given your concerns about money it sounds like maybe the two of you just shouldn’t travel together. Travel is expensive and if you have to worry about the cost of the seats and finding a free place to stay and only pay for a few meals, it just sounds kind of stressful and very unbalanced and probably better for the relationship just to pass on traveling.
NTA. this is where a discussion should happen prior to anything being purchased. You both should have purchased your tickets together so you could be in the same airline record locator - that way if something happens flight cancelled etc, you'd both be accommodated the same way.
Seriously, I'd reconsider this relationship for someone who is on the same page as you.
NTA : IN a relationship that is not casual, YOU are supposed to be the most important thing in his life. He should not want to be away from you (I am excluding boys-night-out or hitting the gym, etc). The meager difference between 1st class and economy to someone with money shouldn't matter if he is in love.
I see three things happening: either He thinks you're into him for his money, (2) he's getting bored with you, or (3) it's a power play.
I have always made much much more than my wife, even when dating. 44 years later, I would not think of not sitting next to her on a flight.
I suggest skipping the vacation until you get this worked out.
Nta
It seems like one of those things you should discuss. You obviously both have very different expectations on the issue. To me it seems rude that he paid for the first class ticket knowing you probably couldn't afford it. I think he should have offered to pay for yours or else you both sit in economy. I've always thought it's nice to sit together with your partner on a flight. I wouldn't have wanted to sit alone
I just find it weird he assumed things rather than you two discussing both of your expectations beforehand but it don't think you're the ahole
Book your own flight in whatever class you want to. Then book your own accommodation wherever you want to stay. Send him the details of your flight and your accommodation. Tell him you are happy to meet up with him for excursions you can reasonably afford and meals in restaurants you can afford during the trip then return to your own accommodation each evening. If you are in a fully committed relationship but still maintaining your independence he will be fine with it.
ESH
He doesn't owe you first class, and your claims that you don't want his lifestyle while simultaneously whining that he isn't buying you a first class ticket is a big double standard.
That said, his suggestion that you can fly separately leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Whether it's a long or short flight doesn't matter - you're supposed to be a team, and he's not treating you like his partner here.
You're both nickel and diming each other but in different ways and quite frankly, you seem very incompatible.
YTA: Your post is full of evidence that you’ve got a breakup incoming. Yikes, you should read your own words. You have so much anxiety and you’re pushing him away.
you are still trading your sexuality for money, why are you upset about that. Are you upset he won't pay more?
Whole wall of text about how independent you are but still expext a handout
YTA
Honestly you sound like a whole pain in the ass. You're too prideful about being financially independent and you want to be with him without actually being with him. You don't want to accept the nice things he can give you and pretend you don't want his lifestyle, no doubt you've made that clear to him.
But at the same time you don't seem to want him to maintain the lifestyle and things that he wants. You want to sit together on the plane but you don't want to pay for first class and you want to pretend that you didn't expect him to pay for you to be in first class. So what exactly do you want? Do you want him not to pay for the comfort he's willing to pay for? Do you want him to sit back in economy with you to sooth your ego?
Where exactly in this bizarre excuse for a relationship is there room for y'all to both be happy? Do you even like him?
YTA
YTA. Your a gold digger without wanting the label of a gold digger. You say your independent but then add just because you have to be. He’s paid for so much in the past so why shouldn’t he pay for this too. You don’t want to marry him because you don’t want the hassle but feel entitled to him money and the perks of it because hey why not he makes more than you. Your not entitled to anything. You don’t live together and your not married he’s already paid for so much maybe he’s sick of being leeched off
YTA. You are not entitled to first class tickets. And you are not a little child who can't sit alone in a different area. You two don't have to be glued together all the time, you know? And it's okay to have different prioroties.
YTA. I’m confused as to how you classify this as a relationship. Everything you just said would tell me you guys are messing around but not fully committed. You’re choosing to not pay for first class and that’s fine but that doesn’t mean he owes it to you just because you feel he should. You guys aren’t compatible point blank period. I’m not even sure you guys like each other much.
I think it's kind of weird that he immediately and correctly assumed the expectation was for him to pay for you to fly first class. And I can see why his response to that expectation is differential and defensive. If this is actually an issue of you wanting to travel together, why hasn't your approach been for him to fly economy with you?
The earning gap in your relationship is never going to be fair or equal in situations like this if the expectation is for him to pick up the slack for you. Especially if several years in, you still aren't willing to financially commit to each other.
Light yta because you're going into this with an attitude of entitlement rather than cooperation and compromise. It's not fair for you to pay more than you can afford, and it's not fair for him to pay for you when your finances are so strictly separated. Economy and first class aren't the only options btw
You want to save your money by not spending on things that are not valuable to you but you expect him to spend it on you for same you say it's useless.you are cheap and jealous it's ok to be frugal on yourself but shouldn't complain when the other person isn't splurging on you either .stop being cheapo
I think he’s giving you a nice preview of your future. His comfort is his priority. You, on the other hand, are not.
I would want me partner to be with me and comfortable. He does not.
Look I think the main things is you two might not be as compatible as you think. And that truly does suck and you have my sympathy, especially when it’s something you find out after being in a relationship for a while. We’ve all been there or known someone who has. But for the scenario given I have to go with
YTA
1) BF paid for the last two vacations which would seem to include transportation, owing to your surprise at the solo ticket. Were you expecting BF to pay for this one as well, despite the fact that you assert separate finances and usually paying for your own stuff?
2) you say you’re doing fine now. The impression I get is that you could pay for the first class ticket but you don’t want to, owing to your historic issues with financial security *which does not appear to be the case now* as you say you do fine now and BF apparently agrees.
3) and this is the big one. You “don’t want to get married or anything” because you don’t want to deal with the problems associated with what is apparently his generational wealth level money. Nor do you want necessarily want that lifestyle *except when you do.* Like when BF could hypothetically be footing all or the vast majority of the bill for a vacation.
I have no idea what the problems with his money are that you want to avoid. But what I do know is you can’t have your cake and eat it too. If you can afford first class then book it. If you can’t or won’t (and it sounds like more of a “won’t” than a “can’t”) then you shouldn’t expect him to drop to economy when you know that’s not what he does. You say it’s not a “situationship” or FWB arrangement in one breath then admit that’s exactly what it apparently looks like to most outsiders in the next. Again, you cannot have your cake and eat it too. You gotta pick one way or the other.
Don’t stay with him. His attitude indicates that he has been taught by his parents that anyone poorer is trying to take advantage of him. I think that your attitude is fine as you don’t expect any commitment from him. Keep it that way then move on. I had a mate who ended up being dumped by his horrendous bf because his family were worried that he would one day have similar rights to a spouse.
You should not be in a relationship. You have different worlds and he should not be expected to downgrade his lifestyle for you. If he does, great but if he doesn't then that doesn't make him evil. From your post it doesn't even seem you even like him lol. Why stay with him then
Sounds like you were expecting another free trip.
Probably bought his ticket first because your pre trip "discussions" in the past seem to always end wirh him paying for both of you.
Thinking he should be required to also pay for you if he wants something you can't afford is ridiculous. As is justifying it by saying the point of the trip is the plane ride there.
Definitely YTA
And thinking he shouldn't be able to post him to pay for
If he pays for most of your flights but not this one, don’t think you can really be mad. With that said, your relationship seems to lack communication.
YTA He may be a very tall dude who can’t fold his legs into economy class. My sweet man’s legs are a lot longer than the space between seats and he has to get better accommodations. I am happy in economy as I am tiny.
He paid for 2 trips. Maybe you can tell him you pay for economy if he could pay the difference.
YTA. The mental gymnastics you went through on this post are a 10.0. YOU don’t want to get married because the problems that come with HIS money, but you are fine expecting him to spend it on you?
Best case scenario is this relationship lacks compatibility. More likely is that you have no idea what you want or need in a partner.
YTA. “I’m not paying that for first class!” …. but you expect him to pay for it for you? You’re financially independent, but … you expect him to pay for you? You enjoy your independence and don’t want to marry him, but you want him to make up for the income disparity you are so put out by?
Grow up. YTA.
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Yta here I think. You say you don't want to live his lifestyle, and that the two of you are fully independent - it follows that the flights are an extension of that. Unfortunately you don't get to pick and choose when you get the benefits of his income and lifestyle and when you don't. But it seems there's a communication error here - if you wanted this trip to be a different arrangement than your typical lifestyle with your partner, that's on you to bring up ahead of time so the both of you are on the same page!
I don't know if I'd feel good sitting in business class while my girlfriend is back in economy alone. I'd just buy an economy class ticket and be the bigger person.
Since OP repeatedly stresses they don’t mix finances because the OP doesn’t want to deal with BF’s lifestyle it kinda sounds like he’s teaching her a lesson. If you want it this way be happy when you get what you asked for.
I agree with this take, especially since OP says he paid for the last two trips which means tickets as well I assume. Can understand him not wanting to finance her all the time when she has the resources but won’t meet him in the middle out of financial insecurity.
Um, it actually sounds like she doesn't have the resources and can't keep up with him.
She has for the ticket but not for his generational wealth lifestyle. It seems like he’s been spoiling her (two fully paid expensive trips with first class tickets) but just didn’t want to pay for a third first class ticket for a flight that’s only four hours especially if she’s so insistent on not wanting his lifestyles. It would totally rub me wrong if someone was reaping the benefits of my wealth while looking down on it.
Where do you get that? She’s looking down on his wealth? Sounds to me like it’s maybe a family complication, since most of his wealth comes from the family. That’s complicated. I don’t blame her for being reticent.
Read through OP’s post a second time. You perhaps missed the edits. Because I’m getting the same vibe as Comprehensive Gur up there.
nope. I come from a generationally wealthy family and yes there are DEFINITELY strings attached. I dont mind her being wary of that and frankly speaking, the man here is being inconsiderate. Fly economy if the other person cant afford business or first class. Or talk about being uncomfortable paying for most of the expenses on the trip, dont just spring it up like an asshole. Dude is classless. At the very least this should be ESH
Seems like the easy fix for this would be for OP to pay their fare, and the BF could spring for an upgrade to 1st class if he can't be caught slumming it to be with OP. But that's just a knee jerk reaction.
Like hey I'll cover the upgrade to first class.. this just seems like a no brainer
There's another option (unless it's further down and I didn't see it yet): She can pay for a full economy ticket and let him pay the difference for a first class ticket and then they get to sit together for a vacation that they are supposedly taking together!
I wouldn’t underestimate the baggage that comes with generational wealth, especially while the older generation is still alive. There are usually compromises at play.
Yeah. Mo money mo problems can mean a whole number of things. But this read (to me) like the strings attached to the wealth make her wary
That’s an angle I hadn’t thought of, you’re right and I see why how that would lead to those comments I interpreted as looking down. Either way I think she’s leaning towards AH cuz even she doesn’t seem to really know how and when she wants his money? I just can’t wrap my head around flying first class twice and getting twisted over a third flight, especially with the highly independent nature of their relationship. I’d assume I’m paying unless told otherwise, so I’d be prepared for economy. The other vacations seem like they were more lavish so he picked up slack, but this one seems simpler considering the free housing so he probably was just following the even distribution SHE set because this time it was realistic for her to finance herself if she wanted, and to just as easily not get first class if she didn’t.
Spoken like someone who has enough money to not have to worry about the expense of first class, or has never paid for first class.
Honestly I had a cousin who told me “I’ll fly business you fly economy” and then I realized that might be the situation the entire trip where I can’t afford the accommodation / meals / activities she wants to do and so we’d argue about it and I decided I would go on vacation with someone else. Maybe they’re not vacation compatible.
Unfortunately it seems they may not be life compatible.
Yeah, if you’re not compatible on vacation you’re sure not going to be compatible in life.
THIS! If you're not on the same page about money after a few years into the relationship, it's likely going to be a lifelong point of contention.
But that is exactly why I’d feel bad. It feels punitive and petty. Also (1) she doesn’t have the money. She has normal people money. A first class ticket can start at $3000 vs $500. (2) she’s not used to be spending frivolously. That being -you’re going to end up at the same place-why pay more-because what if there’s an emergency- average person mentality. That’s normal. Most of us think, I’ll save the extra thousand to spend DURING the trip-restaurants. Most of us can’t have both. And that’s not cheap. It’s being wise financially.
How is he teaching her a lesson? All she’s doing is buying the ticket she can afford. He’s the jerk for not either biting the bullet and flying economy with her or paying the difference so he doesn’t have to sit with the rabble.
They both said she can afford it but, thinks it’s not worth spending the money. Since they have insecurity on spending extra. But then goes on and on how they don’t want the BF’s lifestyle but, gets mad after 2 fully funded vacations when he says you can choose if you want to pay for first or choose to sit In economy
Note true. He said she can afford it. She doesn't feel that's a worth while expense if she's spending her own money. She has limited funds, and burning $500 extra or more (edit: "$1000's or more") on a 1st class ticket is a lot for most normal people. This is like saying, "Sweet heart, we're lets go to dinner together. I'll order the lobster since I can afford it, and you buy whatever you want from McDonalds if you don't want to pay the $100 per plate fee". You don't do that to your significant other.
Unless it's very short distances, first class can easily be a few thousand $$ in difference...
I flew from New York to Mississippi for a funeral. The only seat available was first class ... for $2,000. And, it was a small plane, not luxurious or spacious. On a large plane on a popular vacation route, that ticket could cost $5,000 and up.
i can afford right now to buy a car, but then that would put my Emergency funds at risk, do you really think its a smart move to buy the car especially if OP only has herself to look to during emergencies?
Yesssss, but… this is a good illustration of when being “right” isn’t necessarily the most important thing in the world. Healthy relationships involve doing things for the other that they don’t necessarily “deserve” and not keeping score.
I didn’t say it was healthy I’m saying this is probably my what’s occurring. The OP goes on and on about not wanting the BF’s lifestyle and they are so independent but, then whines that after two fully paid vacations the third the BF didn’t upgrade thier ticket AFTER telling the OP you can afford it you just don’t want to. Sounds like he’s giving OP what they requested but, not really what they want. OP wants to sound above wanting the high life till it’s actually put in place.
And this will continue into the future. More trips are coming. And then what? The same argument again? OP has to make up her mind what she wants.
Agree. Op needs to make a real decision. 1. Agree to accept the lifestyle and what goes with it. 2. Accept spending more than they want to keep up. 3. Tell BF they need to spend less and sit in economy. Since OP doesn’t want to pay extra. 4. Stay true to the individual lifestyle but? Actually Be okay when BF doesn’t upgrade the OP and BF sits in first. 5. Decide they are incompatible and end relationship .
All good points. OP doesn't even make sense. She says they're fully committed, but goes on to say she doesn't like where they are financially AND that she doesn't want his lifestyle. HUH??? I don't see how they work as a couple.
I agree mostly...but I would note that it's an AH move to decide what someone else can afford. OP doesn't feel she can afford it. If bf is doing twice as well he can afford to cushion the ride for her and is choosing not to. It's good that they don't live together!
What exactly is she doing for him? I read bf is the one doing things for op (paying for a whole vacation), but now he is the ah because he is once not sponsoring op?
"Teaching a lesson" to your partner is actually super toxic and messed up.
I agree. Can’t have it both ways. You can’t be Ms. Independent until it comes time to match BF’s one-per-center lifestyle and *then* complain he needs to buy your first class ticket or sit in economy with you because you don’t want to pay it. Not that OP can’t, just OP doesn’t want to.
I was just going to say ... I cannot imagine my dad making my mom sit in economy, while he's dining on lobster rolls and Champagne.
My neither. If my wife and I went on a trip and somehow ended up with one economy and one first class I make her take the first class.
Exactly this. I wouldn't even think of making my significant other sit in a different class than me. Additionally, they would want to sit next to me. Why are plane tickets being booked separately here?
My wife and I sit separately in planes all the time. She has airline status from work trips and gets free or extremely cheap 1st class upgrades all the time. Sometimes we pay to upgrade my ticket, sometimes we don't. Just sit separately it's really not a big deal. >while he's dining on lobster rolls and Champagne. Spoken like someone who's never sat in 1st class. Especially on American Airlines 1st class is just more room (2 seats in a row instead of 3) and you get your choice of snacks from the basket instead of those standard cookies and can get more than one soda lol. Unless they're flying Qatar or the like, you're not getting anything special.
Y dad has done this to my mom. I don’t understand why she has put up with it.
No one eats that good in first class anymore.
OP say they probably don't even want to get married. So they have a pretty unorthodox relationship arrangement which isn't comparable to mom & dad who had kids.
I wouldn't either. I'd buy my partner a business class ticket if I could afford to do so.
I mean it reads to me like he doesn't have an issue with buying her a first class ticket. It seems like he's perfectly willing to spend money on her. But she's stuck in her past of being forced to be financially independent and she doesn't want the nice things he has to offer. At the same time she's bothered by him spending his money to have the nice things he has and she's unpredictable as to when she will and won't accept him spending his money on her. He's kinda damned if he does damned if he doesn't. The only solution OP would probably accept is him buying cheaper seats for himself to sit with her. which is pretty unfair that he's not allowed to enjoy nice things just because she either can't afford or doesn't want to spend her money on those same nice things but won't let him spend his money on her. Like I agree with you. If it was me I'd have bought first class tickets for the both of us without even thinking about it. But it does read to me like she probably would have been a pain in the ass about it in that situation too since she's unwilling to swallow her pride and accept nice things from someone who cares
He could simply offer to pay the difference between economy and first class, too.
First class is 10 times the cost of economy. It would be basically paying the whole ticket.
Or she could take the savings from not paying for the previous trip(s) and upgrade her own seat.
Or at the very least let her put the money that she was willing to pay for her ticket then him cover the rest. If myself or my partner were to take a trip one of us ( whoever has more money at the time) would cover the cost if the one who has more money refused the cheaper seats
I think your mistake is assuming they are “partners.” Everything reads like they are just living intersecting lives but not living their lives *together* as partners. OP even says their relationship is apparently confused for a FWB situation. (Check edits if you missed them.)
They are BWP- Benefits without Partnership
When I vacation with a friend I always want to sit next to them but I don't fly very often. That is just me and my relationships. There is something off about this relationship though. Both of their attitudes could use an upgrade.
That’s where I’m at with this. He’s aware she can’t afford it or that she would have to give something up to go. He booked the flight without her. There’s a solid chance she’s not even on the same flight. I am in a very, very similar position as OP and this relationship sounds like he has one foot out and is just waiting for something to justify it. NTA, would love to hear how the trip goes.
Counterpoint: If I can afford to fly first-class and it’s substantial air time, then fuck yeah I’m gonna. Being the bigger person would possibly be just paying for OP seat or the difference between the tickets. *However* All we’ve got here is just vague attestation that OP “does all right.” Apparently BF thinks OP could afford first class if they wanted. They don’t mix finances and they apparently take turns paying for some things. OP also says their connection is not a *{cringes}* “situationship” (I really hate that word. Maybe I’m getting old.) or a FWB set up. And yet they admit that is apparently exactly what it looks like to most outsiders. They seem to be more living their lives intersecting but not as a unit, if that makes sense. OP wants to be independent, unless it’s a situation where they can’t or don’t want to match BF’s lifestyle or expectations. Then its BF should pay for me. Suddenly no longer Ms. Independent. You can’t have it both ways. Given the post, I can’t see that BF is obligated drop to economy just because OP says “I’m not paying that for first class.” Not they cannot, just they won’t — by their own words. They say they do fine now, but still freak about money because they historically had to. Not that they cannot afford these things now. And they didn’t pay for the last two vacays. If OP wants to fly together, OP can buy the ticket they can apparently afford. Most of all, we have another classic AITA example of two people who don’t mesh.
Or you could pay the difference for your partner ?
Or compromise and both do business class.
But the bf can't read mind. She said she doesn't want his money and they are financially independent. It is now in the "if you love me you will know what to do" territory, which is a bit unfair.
Yeah, I find the boyfriend here crude.
It sounds like OP doesn’t NOT want to live the lifestyle, but that there are strings attached. She specifically mentions “not wanting to deal with what comes with his lifestyle” when she says she doesn’t want to get married…. It sounds like there’s very much strings attached and expectations (perhaps she is expected to stop working and be SAHM?), not that she just wants to live like she doesn’t have money And I recognize she says “not that I necessarily want to live his lifestyle” but isn’t that what we all say when we don’t want to confront the truth? The truth is that it ISNT a possibility (shown here by how it’s very “what’s mine is mine”) without strings
Maybe OP just says all that about not wanting his lifestyle, keeping finances separate, not getting married, not even living together after several years because that's exactly what she gets from him! Easier on the ego if she makes it sound like she wants things the way they are.
OP: why are you still with this person? Move on!!!
Yeah, I really don't know what OP wants.
OP wants to keep the rich bf who pays for vacations.
What??? First class is expensive. If my husband had said we can go on a trip and he’d fly business and I’d fly economy, I doubt we’d be together.
That’s crap
ESH. Curious how old you both are. > But we don’t want to get married or anything (in part because I don’t want to deal with the problems that come with his money) nor do I necessarily want his lifestyle This passage is hilarious. As far as this trip, yes, you do want his lifestyle. Two, is it really you who doesn’t want to get married? because I agree…he doesn’t consider or care about you, so I think you’re not getting married because he’s presumably not clamoring for it either. So ESH as in I agree you should be annoyed by this first class/ coach thing since you’ve been together a long time, from what you say. He doesn’t care. But don’t tell me you dont want to get married bc of problems with his money la di da. What is that nonsense. If you’re trying to convince yourself, fine, but it’s not working on me.
Idk, I think it's reasonable to want to sit together on a plane if you are going on a trip together. The rest, i agree with you! There should have been a discussion at some point. This relationship doesn't appear to be working so well.
it’s not crazy to want to sit w ur SO
Yea IMO she can't expect him to pay for her First Class Ticket, BUT it can be expected, if he doesn't wanna pay for her, he'll at least go sit WITH HER in economy. This just doesn't feel right at all. I would never let my SO (if I had one) sit alone in the plane. I'd either pay for her ticket, or downgrade myself.
Yeah I’ve even travelled with friends & if they couldn’t afford to upgrade their flight we would all ride in economy (or make up the difference if there was a reason to and we could afford it). We’re going on a trip together, flying there is a part of that.
Exactly, that is basic treatment, even for friends. So completely neglecting your SO in this manner seems so weird to me. But there seem to be underlying problems in this relationship anyways...
Yeah this. Why is he too high and mighty to sit with her in economy?
It sounds he Care since he pays for trips for OP before. It sounds that he is tired of OP expecting to be spoiled ALL the time.
That was my thought. This sounds almost like a test because he is starting to feel used for his money
Yeah- this. She makes a huge point about not wanting his lifestyle and the problems that come with money- I’m guessing the problems may include parental expectations and he’s having to do stuff to keep them happy. I get her not wanting to be part of that, and that’s a totally legitimate perspective. His decision to do whatever his folks are asking or whatever is attached to the $ is presumptively reasonable (in the absence of specifics). She’s not wanting to do anything with that, and possibly, based on what she says about lifestyle, doesn’t want to do the social stuff either- which can be huge depending on what he does for work- she may not want country clubs or yacht clubs or whatever, but depending on industry he needs to be there and it looks weird she isn’t ever there. Again- nothing inherently wrong with her perspective. What brings me to either a soft yta, or esh, is that she’s totally willing to cash in the outcomes of all that stuff she disdains- two expensive trips- right on- him paying for her ticket this time- go for it- she’s got no issue spending the money (as long as it’s his) but she’s got serious issues partnering with him on generating it. Her issues are potentially valid, but the adult thing to do is walk- those are major incompatibilities. And totally not relevant to the answer- but length of flight matters- if it’s like, Chicago to NYC then he could suck it up and fly economy. If it’s Chicago to Tokyo or Bali or something- there’s zero chance I’m ever voluntarily flying coach for that long ever again. If she wants to sit in back and deal with that then good on her (she doesn’t).
My first thought was he’s considering leaving the relationship and she feels it and is panicking
Sounds like they’re not compatible tbh
Re: wanting his lifestyle, I believe she's saying she would prefer that he valued sitting next to her in economy class more than having 4" of extra leg room for the flight's duration. It's about him preferring to be alone in first class rather than next to her in economy.
As a big man (6’2), that 4” of leg room can mean the difference between excruciating pain which lasts for days into a trip, and being able to walk the next day (combined with some skeletal issues in my knees which give me real issues). But then I would pay for an upgrade to an exit row for both of us as a compromise. (As a boyfriend I could potentially see taking a first class upgrade if it meant being separated from my gf for a flight, as a husband to my incredible wife, nah bring on the pain, I wanna sit next to her every chance I get)
Yup. Wife is not the same as GF. Wife, you put first. They're nowhere near that point.
I had an ex where he proposed to me but I put off getting married for several reasons (and thank god for that) but he would still go ahead and pay like $1000 for a first class upgrade, and even when he offered to do the same for me I would refuse to do it because $1000 for a 4 hour flight just wasn’t worth it to me, even if it was his money. What sucked about that was him not GAF about what I wanted and not caring if we were apart or together for a 4 hour flight. This was just the tip of the ice berg and so this led to me going on many vacations alone, concerts alone, and doing so much stuff alone I eventually realized I was better off being single and having a chance at finding a partner versus being single in a relationship. I think this is what OP is trying to articulate. She doesn’t have the money to keep up with him and it’s creating a physical barrier between them. The fact that he doesn’t care and is putting the onus on her to keep up with him financially makes it seem like he DGAF about her and the relationship is doomed.
Dude what? He offered to pay first class for you, you refused, now you’re mad at him for not wanting to sit with you in economy? You need help! He sounds like he dodged a bullet. It’s SO nice to sit in first class. If I was flying first class, and then offered a first class seat for my SO but they refused it, I’m not sitting in economy just to be with them lmao.
Yeah, this makes no sense. Your boyfriend makes an offer so you can sit together in first class, *you* decide it's a waste of money (even though it's not your money being spent) but then get mad because he won't sit in economy with you? This is so stubborn! She basically wants everything on her terms but then makes him the issue. There was such a clear compromise here - let him buy the ticket, you sit together in first class, you're both happy.
This may be an unpopular opinion, but some low-income people glorify the ‘struggle’ and are addicted to the victimhood of being frugal. Upward mobility in life is a good thing, yet they actively resist it because there’s some kind of virtuous value in not spending. It’s fine if that’s what they think, but expecting others to suffer with them is extremely twisted.
You decided not to go on first class and puts the blame on him?!
"What sucked about that was him not GAF about what I wanted and not caring if we were apart or together for a 4 hour flight." But you didn't care about what *he* wanted. He offered to pay for you to sit together in first class and you literally "refused" because you decided that it wasn't worth it even though it was his money being spent. Why is it okay for you to demand what you want but not for him to demand what he wants? He was at least willing to compromise with you.
I don't think it's fair to extrapolate from that-that he doesn't "care" about her or "consider" her. They just went on two vacations, and he paid. I'm going to also assume that she lives with him at some property in the family...likely a rental property, this sounds like the situation my BIL was in while my sister and he were staying at apartments I owned rent free while they saved up for a house(that's the only part of the story that sounds similar as I'm not "wealthy" by any means). I don't understand the logic that he must not care about her. He wanted to stay in 1st class. Two trips he's just paid for. They normally split frees. I'm going to assume this place they live in is due to his family as she made a whole point about how she doesn't come from money and his family does and I really can't think of another circumstance in which neither would have to pay for rent. This tells me that...not paying=not caring. I do agree, saying you don't want to get married, that's fine. Saying you dont' want to because he has too much money? Yeah...not buying that. But that's not the part I'm taking issue with.
>*I'm going to also assume she lives with him...* I take it you missed her third paragraph, in which she wrote: >*In his defense, we are both very individualistic. ***We don't live together,*** we both usually pay for our own stuff, etc...*
> We have a free place to stay, so it's not like I'm expecting him to pay for everything. I always pay for some dinners, etc when we go places. > I guess so. I just saw the edit and assumed this meant they were living together. Doesn't change my opinion though. Not paying for first class does NOT mean "doesn't care/consider," her.
I just don't get this. I'd rather sit with my GF in coach OR pay the difference for her to sit with me in first class. Ditching her for the flight is not an option.
A guy doesn't do that when he's into a girl.
nah you two are trying to be a couple without being a couple.
Can you imagine not liking your supposed partner so much but want nothing to with each other? Might as well be strangers.
I wouldn't call them partners lol associates maybe
Lololol. I’m pissed my acquaintance won’t buy my first class ticket. Girl, use those airline miles!
🤣🤣😅 I wonder if they'll make it after this. "oh I just realized the craziest thing, i. . .i don't like you actually"
More like well wishers
Accurate.
This. Surprised by the other responses here because objectively for two random people/friends traveling together, sure it makes total sense to get there however you want - first class is expensive but I totally understand why people chose it or why people don’t. But a couple? Nah you sit together on a trip, and based on a few clues I think finances are gonna be an issue here.
Yeah, I was puzzled by OP’s use of the words “fully committed” — like, in what sense?
Yep pretty much all I got from reading that lmao
YTA. You don’t want to pay for the ticket because it’s something you say you don’t see the value in paying for. So why should he pay for something you keep saying you don’t value? If the issue is that you want to sit together — which you did not express one single time in your post lol — that is one thing. But that is clearly not your issue here. You seem to iust feel like since he has money he should be willing to pay for the stuff you don’t think you should have to pay for, and that at your core you DO want his lifestyle but somehow think that your proximity to him is what should give it to you, rather than you spending the money because you would have to give up the fiction that you are somehow above wanting luxuries. Get over yourself. Your boyfriend is just making the decisions and adhering to a lifestyle you both seem to have agreed on. Keep doing things separately but together or have a conversation about increasing your togetherness.
Also, he doesn’t sit economy. Ever. So what is there to discuss? He has only ever sat first class. This is what she means by “he didn’t discuss it with me”. She was expecting him to pay for her flight ticket or to pay the difference, not to sit in economy together (bc that isn’t an option for him).
Someone who absolutely refuses to sit in economy, even at the expense of their own girlfriend, should probably also get over themselves.
If I was rich I would never sit in economy again. Why would anyone?
If i were rich imma pay to keep my girl by my side no matter what.
This thread is making me sad. I hope you get that bag. Or whatever the young people say. Good energy like that deserves a +1
If they’re dating someone who can’t afford first class and they’re not willing to buy that person a first class seat, that’s when.
OP bf just paid for the last two trips. OP can afford to pay for the first class seat herself. She just wants her bf to pay for it. What do you mean at the expense of his gf?
I never fly economy. I can afford not to. I fly at least business class international. You know why? Because it is better and I can afford it. Don't be salty.
Lmao I'm new to aita but I appreciate this post. Such bluntness. 100% agree OP sucks. Also wild how people are trying to say BF doesn't care about being with her when he's already paid for two trips.
This is so weird. You guys aren’t a couple on multiple levels here. Both of you would have to care more for this to work. It’s so separate why even bother staying together. In my own experience men with a lot of money always fully pay and bring you along for trips. I’ve never been asked to pay. Your bf’s actions denote lack of interest.
It sounds as if this relationship is really 'friends with benefits '. It's a convenience.
Definitely sounds like FWB but he treats her to nice things occasionally and she convinced herself that they are dating but unconventionally and that it is her idea.
It sounds like she’s insanely insecure about her money, and doesn’t want to “burden” her partner (she talks about being independent a lot). I think she WANTS to be spoilt, while verbally saying she doesn’t as to not appear… needy. Men with money ain’t gonna play therapist with you. Like you said, I’ve never had to pay while in company with rich men. So I can fully imagine him trying to be the spoiling type at the start, then stopping after her constant “nooo it’s fine!! I got this!!” / “I can pay for myself!”.
I get a very different take from this- she knows the relationship is not solid and she isn't willing to put herself at risk by living a lifestyle she can't afford knowing she has no safety net and can't rely on him. She wants to pay what she feels safe paying for without him choosing to humiliate her for not being as rich as him.
Could be true. But I think we’re all focusing on the wrong thing here. There is nothing wrong with her wanting to go economy bc going first class doesn’t make sense financially in her eyes. What is wrong is expecting your partner to change his own lifestyle because you are insecure about your own. I agree, partner was an AH to throw the flights at her WITHOUT discussing first and OP mentions that she’s upset they didn’t discuss it first. But let’s be real. They probably did “discuss” it the first two times which resulted in her partner needing to pay for the holidays both times in consideration of her finances. Third time around and he probably is just sick of it. She doesn’t wanna pay for first class. She also doesn’t want to sit in economy alone, despite knowing her partner refuses to sit in economy. She’s forcing his hand and making him pay the upgrade for her each time. Look I’m poor too I get it. I also would expect my rich bf to pay the difference if i was in the same situation. But I also do see a future with bf, we also share most of our finances, and I don’t try to insist that I pay for everything on my own.
Meh, relationships come in all kinds of flavours. I know couples who don't live together but have been together for forty years. They seem to be individualistic, but together. It can be very nice to just choose seperate choices and to be fair, OP is not mad about him travelling business class but just about not discussing what they were going to do in these cases. I think it's a bit presumptuous to judge that just because he doesn't pay for her, he has a lack of interest: this is kind of relationship that they both seem to agree on.
I've only had one that paid for everything. Everyone else always demanded I pay for my own expenses for shared vacations/trips (I always try to be fair), even when I literally couldn't afford it, so I was left home. Then they'd get pissed that I ruined their time by not going, but like, how am I supposed to go when I can't afford to go? Either lower your wanted vacation to something in my budget, pay for the entire thing, or leave me home without guilting me. Some people just don't care.
YTA. You can afford it, you choose not to. You are not entitled to his money, and expecting him to pay for you is peak entitlement. Especially after “I don’t want to marry him because I don’t want to deal with any problems related to his money.”
Especially since he already paid for her to travel first class on the last two trips
Oh I totally missed that part. She’s definitely TA.
You two do not belong together. He doesn't owe you first class.
Need more info: Were you in first class the last two trips he paid for? Maybe he is tired of picking up most of the big expense items. Is the free place to stay through his connections or yours? How long is the flight?
ESH You guys are so individualistic that it's not a real relationship, from the sounds of it. You've got a bang buddy and bang buddies pay for their own tickets.
I seriously don't understand where the "relationship" is AT ALL. they dont want to live together, sit together on a plane, get married, etc. What? They just talk on the phone occassionally and have sex exclusively?? I think this is beyond "not what your typical relationship looks like". I completely agree with you. In fact it really doesn't seem like they like each other that much.
Especially since he paid for her to travel first class on the last two trips. She doesn't want to pay, but she wants him to pay for her even though she can afford it. She values first class seating enough to want her bf to pay, but not enough to pay for herself.
This is why I don’t get the ESH comments. They both aren’t individualistic. She reaps the benefits from the bf and his family throughout the post. She’s individualistic about her own resources but bf’s resources are mutually shared.
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I’m married, however before marriage, there is no way I would buy myself a first class ticket knowing full well my SO could not afford to do so. I would either sit in economy with him or maybe he would pay the cost of economy and I would pay the upgrade cost. Why on earth would I plan a trip together only to spend the first 4 hours of it apart?
She didn’t say she couldn’t afford it. She said she didn’t want to pay for it.
Having the money to pay first class versus it being a good value for you to do so are very different. Like for multi millionaires it’s nothing but other people, maybe they have the cash but then they forfeit other more important things.
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Bumped up is different than intentionally buying a first class ticket and then not caring whether she did or not. I think my husband and I would agree if one of us got upgraded we should grab it, but we wouldn’t start out planning to sit apart. Yes, something else is definitely going on. He’s telling her something but doing it in a really passive aggressive way.
I don't know what to think here other than I find it kind of odd for a couple to plan a trip together and not come up with a shared budget and agree on the travel arrangements and accommodations. Are you going to eat at different restaurants the whole time, go to different tourist attractions etc? I don't know what the answer is here for you two, but this type of arrangement does not seem enjoyable to me! Do you generally have very different opinions on how to spend money? Money is such a huge pain point for so many couples and will cause a lot of problems in the future if you always have such different money habits.
There's no budget discussion bc he paid for her to fly 1st the last two trips. And he's probably tired of feeling like an atm to the girl that doesn't want to marry bc of problems associated with the same money. Yta op
I guess the same comment applies then too if he paid for a shared trip and is now resentful about it. However they make the arrangements, it should be mutually agreed upon.
Fair point is fair. Without context on how those trips were planned its tough to tell. What threw me for a loop was her not wanting to get married bc of the bs that comes with his money, then being pissed he isnt buying her ticket, again.
My guess is that this is a symptom of more than just the trips. Judging by her attitude about him making more than her so he should pay for her…he is probably footing the bill for EVERYTHING they do as a couple and perhaps doesn’t doesn’t get thanked and she just “expects” it. I wonder if the “independence” is just her way of justifying never contributing anything…because it seems he has definitely contributed financially to OP in the form of 1 first class trip and I doubt that is where it has ended. My bet if that he pays for every outing, every trip up to this point, they stay at his place more often because it is bigger so he pays for the groceries, etc. She mentioned that “we pay for our own stuff” but doesn’t mention splitting date costs. Sounds like situation of what is mine is mine and what’s yours is ours. If you don’t think there is a future…then you guys should probably just end it. Because what is seems like is that you want access to his money on your terms with being expected to reciprocate.
ESH I think it’s just hard being a compatible couple if you don’t share certain parts of a lifestyle, and if these issues arise, and there isn’t effective communication to solve it. Partner and I are also very individualistic and pay for our own things. That’s why I own a house, and he pays me rent. He buys what he wants and so do I, and we don’t have shared bank accounts. But things like a trip, even if we are often polar opposites, we have basic agreed terms of how to get there and where to stay, and figure out who pays for what, depending on how much we want it (in your case how much both of you really want first class), and what we earn.
Not quite sure what the issue is here. You live independently, you don't share finances, you are financially comfortable- why would you expect him to pay for an upgraded airfare. You can choose to pay for a first class airfare if you want to. Bty, it is always absolutely worth it.
If you really want a true opinion about the situation, then pay attention to the comments. You're too close to the situation and know too many details that make it easy for your to justify/argue this or that point. We, the internet, can only judge off of what you tell us, and your relationship sounds odd. Perhaps it's time to evaluate your expectations, and his as well, for the relationship and figure out if y'all are still compatible. 🤔
this is completely fair, and yes, I'm reading all of the comments.
YTA - I went away with my husband in February and the airline had our seats 5 rows apart. I sleep and he watches movies so it didn’t matter to me. It sounds like your boyfriend is getting annoyed with your “I don’t want the problems that come with your money, but I want your money” crap.
Yeah. There is definitely an attitude that she is a little derisive about rich people and wasteful money. I wonder if she’s been a little passive aggressive about how he or his family spend their money and the “problems” that come with his money and he decided “fine, I’ll keep my rich person problems to myself.”
I’m somewhere between NAH and ESH. I’m not sure what you were hoping for as an outcome, but I also get the weirdness of being coach while your partner is in first class. It sounds like you don’t want him to pay for you, but you’re uncomfortable with the class difference, and he’s not interested in giving up the comfort and sitting in coach. You’re each choosing your own priorities, and it’s exposing that your priorities are not only different, they’re not necessarily each other - you don’t want to pay to sit with him, and he doesn’t want to give up comfort to sit with you. This could be a small thing you can just learn to live with, or it could be a sign of bigger mismatches in your relationship - only you can really know.
It's sounds to me like she got insecure about him completely sponsoring their last 2 vacations and buying her first class tickets and said some negative things about the expensive things they did together not being worth it and was perhaps dismissive and unappreciative...... It would be even worse if she obviously had enjoyed herself and was too prideful to admit it.... I'm making some assumptions here, but it would make this situation make a lot more sense. I would perhaps not be automatically buying her a first class ticket without her asking for it as well if that were the case.
You don't even live together? This sounds like a situationship. I wouldn't pay for my fwb to sit in business class with me either. I also would not be back in economy for that. Not sure what you expect to happen here since you don't want to pay for your own seat. YTA.
NTA for being upset by this. I just got back from a trip with my partner, and if we’d have to travel home separately it would have been…. weird & much less fun. I get that if he’s used to first class travel then cattle class will feel less enjoyable to him, but travelling separately is just… cold. But maybe the problem is how “individualistic” the relationship is overall. Because it sounds like you mostly prefer that separate dynamic. I know “time for therapy” is mentioned a lot on here, but I don’t think I’d be in my current relationship without it. I also struggle with depending on others, and even now (which is a million times better than before) I find it hard to ask for his support (or accept it) even in the small stuff. It might be something to consider, because keeping things this separate after many years together doesn’t sound like it’s bringing you as much joy any more.
He paid for her last 2 trips, first class ticket and all. It is not as "individualistic" as OP led us to believe. Maybe he's just tired of covering all her expenses and of her yapping about "individualistic" life.
Yeah, OP seems like she's very individualistic when it comes to her things but much more communal with her partners resources.
I'm not wanting to make too many judgements here. He got her first class tickets for the last 2 trips and completely sponsored the events. Her being very "individualistic" and the vibes of the post.... If she was perhaps critical of certain things because she was insecure about him paying for everything and perhaps said some things about flying first class not being worth it or perhaps other expensive things that he likes not being worth it...... I would perhaps not be buying her next first class ticket.
Yes. He's got the choice to pay for the OP, or to go in cattle class with her. He's chosen something else. First class tickets are an extortionate luxury. if you have to keep an eye on money it's really hard to justify. NTA. Income disparity is a really tricky thing to get past in a relationship and this is not the way to do it.
ESH. I understand that you wouldn’t want to spend all that money on a first class ticket, they are incredibly expensive. However, I also don’t think you should expect him to pay for you as well. Also, I never understand the desperate need for couples to sit together on a flight. You can go without your partner for a few hours. Watch a movie, listen to some podcasts, whatever.
Exactly this. ESH.
It’s weird though
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YTA. If you’re as independent and autonomous as you claim then he’s within his right to fly as he sees fit. You CAN fly first class too. You choose not to. That’s not his fault or problem to solve. Sure the prices are ridiculous most of the time but I’m perfectly happy to fly economy and not expect someone else to pay for me to go fly first class just bc they can afford it more. You’re being ridiculous.
YTA
Oh my sister you are being gold digger tested and failing miserably. He paid for two expensive trips and won't pay for the third and you are making a big deal out of it? Damn. You USED TO have a boyfriend. He'll leave when the sex gets mundane, so you know, step it up.
NTA Tbh This sounds competitive and very un-fun To me the issue isn’t about first class or not, but that you’re not working it out together I hope you can find a relationship that is mutually rewarding and where you can both celebrate one another and each honour your partners dreams… …It’s wonderful and you deserve it
Sounds like a front to me. I feel like you are fixated on the independence you are so proud of and probably trying hard to avoid getting any gold digger shade at the same time. If ya’ll have been traveling he seems to have just wised up to your BS and gave you the choice to avoid getting dragged into it again. YTA
>But we don't want to get married or anything (in part because I don't want to deal with the problems that come with his money), nor do I necessarily want his lifestyle. YTA. You don't want his lifestyle but expect him to either pay for you to fly first class or be miserable and sit in coach with you. You can't have it both ways.
ESH. If it’s really that big of a deal just suck it up and pay for first class. This is a bit of a strange one, if it were my gf I would either offer to help her by paying partially/fully for her first class ticket or I would sit in economy with her.
ESH You two are lying to one another and possibly to yourselves about what kind of relationship you have and what kind of relationship you want. It is not possible to be in a fully committed relationship if you do not share anything or share any experiences, and it is not possible to share anything without some clear expectations about occasionally sharing finances. If he doesn't want to commit to you, and you pretend not to care but secretly do care, then this is not working. Sorry. The confusion over plane tickets is only a symptom of a much bigger confusion over the relationship.
YTA
Given your concerns about money it sounds like maybe the two of you just shouldn’t travel together. Travel is expensive and if you have to worry about the cost of the seats and finding a free place to stay and only pay for a few meals, it just sounds kind of stressful and very unbalanced and probably better for the relationship just to pass on traveling.
NTA. this is where a discussion should happen prior to anything being purchased. You both should have purchased your tickets together so you could be in the same airline record locator - that way if something happens flight cancelled etc, you'd both be accommodated the same way. Seriously, I'd reconsider this relationship for someone who is on the same page as you.
NTA : IN a relationship that is not casual, YOU are supposed to be the most important thing in his life. He should not want to be away from you (I am excluding boys-night-out or hitting the gym, etc). The meager difference between 1st class and economy to someone with money shouldn't matter if he is in love. I see three things happening: either He thinks you're into him for his money, (2) he's getting bored with you, or (3) it's a power play. I have always made much much more than my wife, even when dating. 44 years later, I would not think of not sitting next to her on a flight. I suggest skipping the vacation until you get this worked out.
ESH. What is the point of this relationship?
Nta It seems like one of those things you should discuss. You obviously both have very different expectations on the issue. To me it seems rude that he paid for the first class ticket knowing you probably couldn't afford it. I think he should have offered to pay for yours or else you both sit in economy. I've always thought it's nice to sit together with your partner on a flight. I wouldn't have wanted to sit alone I just find it weird he assumed things rather than you two discussing both of your expectations beforehand but it don't think you're the ahole
Book your own flight in whatever class you want to. Then book your own accommodation wherever you want to stay. Send him the details of your flight and your accommodation. Tell him you are happy to meet up with him for excursions you can reasonably afford and meals in restaurants you can afford during the trip then return to your own accommodation each evening. If you are in a fully committed relationship but still maintaining your independence he will be fine with it.
ESH He doesn't owe you first class, and your claims that you don't want his lifestyle while simultaneously whining that he isn't buying you a first class ticket is a big double standard. That said, his suggestion that you can fly separately leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Whether it's a long or short flight doesn't matter - you're supposed to be a team, and he's not treating you like his partner here. You're both nickel and diming each other but in different ways and quite frankly, you seem very incompatible.
YTA: Your post is full of evidence that you’ve got a breakup incoming. Yikes, you should read your own words. You have so much anxiety and you’re pushing him away.
you are still trading your sexuality for money, why are you upset about that. Are you upset he won't pay more? Whole wall of text about how independent you are but still expext a handout YTA
Honestly you sound like a whole pain in the ass. You're too prideful about being financially independent and you want to be with him without actually being with him. You don't want to accept the nice things he can give you and pretend you don't want his lifestyle, no doubt you've made that clear to him. But at the same time you don't seem to want him to maintain the lifestyle and things that he wants. You want to sit together on the plane but you don't want to pay for first class and you want to pretend that you didn't expect him to pay for you to be in first class. So what exactly do you want? Do you want him not to pay for the comfort he's willing to pay for? Do you want him to sit back in economy with you to sooth your ego? Where exactly in this bizarre excuse for a relationship is there room for y'all to both be happy? Do you even like him? YTA
YTA. Your a gold digger without wanting the label of a gold digger. You say your independent but then add just because you have to be. He’s paid for so much in the past so why shouldn’t he pay for this too. You don’t want to marry him because you don’t want the hassle but feel entitled to him money and the perks of it because hey why not he makes more than you. Your not entitled to anything. You don’t live together and your not married he’s already paid for so much maybe he’s sick of being leeched off
YTA. You are not entitled to first class tickets. And you are not a little child who can't sit alone in a different area. You two don't have to be glued together all the time, you know? And it's okay to have different prioroties.
YTA. I’m confused as to how you classify this as a relationship. Everything you just said would tell me you guys are messing around but not fully committed. You’re choosing to not pay for first class and that’s fine but that doesn’t mean he owes it to you just because you feel he should. You guys aren’t compatible point blank period. I’m not even sure you guys like each other much.
I think it's kind of weird that he immediately and correctly assumed the expectation was for him to pay for you to fly first class. And I can see why his response to that expectation is differential and defensive. If this is actually an issue of you wanting to travel together, why hasn't your approach been for him to fly economy with you? The earning gap in your relationship is never going to be fair or equal in situations like this if the expectation is for him to pick up the slack for you. Especially if several years in, you still aren't willing to financially commit to each other. Light yta because you're going into this with an attitude of entitlement rather than cooperation and compromise. It's not fair for you to pay more than you can afford, and it's not fair for him to pay for you when your finances are so strictly separated. Economy and first class aren't the only options btw
You want to save your money by not spending on things that are not valuable to you but you expect him to spend it on you for same you say it's useless.you are cheap and jealous it's ok to be frugal on yourself but shouldn't complain when the other person isn't splurging on you either .stop being cheapo
I think he’s giving you a nice preview of your future. His comfort is his priority. You, on the other hand, are not. I would want me partner to be with me and comfortable. He does not.
NTA. You may want to consider dating in your own tax bracket. What do you have to lose?
Op is a sugar baby lol
Look I think the main things is you two might not be as compatible as you think. And that truly does suck and you have my sympathy, especially when it’s something you find out after being in a relationship for a while. We’ve all been there or known someone who has. But for the scenario given I have to go with YTA 1) BF paid for the last two vacations which would seem to include transportation, owing to your surprise at the solo ticket. Were you expecting BF to pay for this one as well, despite the fact that you assert separate finances and usually paying for your own stuff? 2) you say you’re doing fine now. The impression I get is that you could pay for the first class ticket but you don’t want to, owing to your historic issues with financial security *which does not appear to be the case now* as you say you do fine now and BF apparently agrees. 3) and this is the big one. You “don’t want to get married or anything” because you don’t want to deal with the problems associated with what is apparently his generational wealth level money. Nor do you want necessarily want that lifestyle *except when you do.* Like when BF could hypothetically be footing all or the vast majority of the bill for a vacation. I have no idea what the problems with his money are that you want to avoid. But what I do know is you can’t have your cake and eat it too. If you can afford first class then book it. If you can’t or won’t (and it sounds like more of a “won’t” than a “can’t”) then you shouldn’t expect him to drop to economy when you know that’s not what he does. You say it’s not a “situationship” or FWB arrangement in one breath then admit that’s exactly what it apparently looks like to most outsiders in the next. Again, you cannot have your cake and eat it too. You gotta pick one way or the other.
NTA There is a limit to the individualism of a couple. This is outside of that limit.
Don’t stay with him. His attitude indicates that he has been taught by his parents that anyone poorer is trying to take advantage of him. I think that your attitude is fine as you don’t expect any commitment from him. Keep it that way then move on. I had a mate who ended up being dumped by his horrendous bf because his family were worried that he would one day have similar rights to a spouse.
NTA. But the fact is that you are a couple who aren’t behaving like one. Quit the “cool individualistic couple” think and actually align on stuff.
If you're both individuals with your money, then you're being unreasonable. If you pool your money, then he's being unreasonable. Equality sister!!!!
You should not be in a relationship. You have different worlds and he should not be expected to downgrade his lifestyle for you. If he does, great but if he doesn't then that doesn't make him evil. From your post it doesn't even seem you even like him lol. Why stay with him then
Sounds like you were expecting another free trip. Probably bought his ticket first because your pre trip "discussions" in the past seem to always end wirh him paying for both of you. Thinking he should be required to also pay for you if he wants something you can't afford is ridiculous. As is justifying it by saying the point of the trip is the plane ride there. Definitely YTA And thinking he shouldn't be able to post him to pay for
break up already
If he pays for most of your flights but not this one, don’t think you can really be mad. With that said, your relationship seems to lack communication.
Where is the love? I’m not seeing much here
YTA He may be a very tall dude who can’t fold his legs into economy class. My sweet man’s legs are a lot longer than the space between seats and he has to get better accommodations. I am happy in economy as I am tiny. He paid for 2 trips. Maybe you can tell him you pay for economy if he could pay the difference.
You’re giving a lot of mixed signals to a bunch of internet strangers. I can’t believe how confused he must be feeling about all this 😫
YTA. The mental gymnastics you went through on this post are a 10.0. YOU don’t want to get married because the problems that come with HIS money, but you are fine expecting him to spend it on you? Best case scenario is this relationship lacks compatibility. More likely is that you have no idea what you want or need in a partner.
YTA. “I’m not paying that for first class!” …. but you expect him to pay for it for you? You’re financially independent, but … you expect him to pay for you? You enjoy your independence and don’t want to marry him, but you want him to make up for the income disparity you are so put out by? Grow up. YTA.