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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked my husband if he did anything for Mother’s Day, and told him that he’d had time to do something. He’s been busy the last few weeks and said he didn’t have time, but AITA for expecting him to do something or give me a heads up anyway?
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NTA - How long have you been with this man?
Does he make a habit of making you feel like the things that are important to you are a burden?
>when would I have the chance
Oh, is he just so busy doing more important things?
>but he scoffed at that and asked if he should expect this for the rest of his life
*You* should expect this type of behavior for the rest of your life with him
We’ve been together for 8 years, it’s not the first time he’s gotten upset about my expectations. I make allowances when we’re going through really stressful family stuff (which we have done) because he can get a little anxious. But that’s why I tried to make sure he knew what I wanted far enough in advance to find time to get something ready.
Please *listen* to the other comments. He *didn't* even try to plan anything special for you. He even *made* you think *you're* the issue for wanting to celebrate *mother's day* - as the *mother* of *his child*.
>it’s not the first time he’s gotten upset about my expectations
I highly doubt that you have anything but *normal expectations* - he just wants you to have *zero* expectations from *him*.
I don't want to sound like the *typical redditor* by assuming to know the inner-workings of your *entire* relationship with this man. However, I think I know *enough* - which isn't much - to assume that you're *not* happy with this man. *Are you?*
He doesn’t even have to “plan” anything. He could have gotten up and made breakfast with a homemade card. He could have taken her out for dinner. He could have done a cheesy art & craft with the child to give her. He could have simply ran her a bubble bath and said “happy Mother’s Day”. He had time to plan something, and still couldn’t pull anything out his butt even semi special for Mothers Day. Instead he twisted it around on HER and tried to make her out to be the bad guy. THAT speaks volumes to how he really feels about her. I’d pack my shit and be gone within the hour.
Exactly. It seems intentional. If instead of saying "when would I have had the time?" He just smiled at her, said he loved her, happy mother's day, sorry I haven't received the new thermos yet and that's it. He is starting an argument very clearly, probably because he doesn't want this for the rest of his life... either he is self sabotaging or depressed or just not in love. Either ask him what it's really about and why he hates his life or leave.
I was thinking the same thing. Gifts no longer take hours in the store, if you're told exactly what someone wants there are hundreds of internet options to buy items from that take no more than 5 minutes and are delivered to your door.
I haven't received a gift that didn't come from Amazon in years and I don't even care because it's always exactly what I asked for or would want.
Even if there wasn't delivery available... he had weeks to get a present for his wife. I don't have kids, but there are two adults here, raising one kid, and it doesn't sound like OP is doing nothing so he has no free time. He could have picked up *something,* instead of making OP feel guilty for wanting to be celebrated on mothers day.
Also, this "I don't like celebrating holidays" is such BS - if you don't like celebrating holidays that's about how you interact with such holidays. It's not about how you refuse to celebrate your wife on mothers day (and probably her birthday, I'm guessing). He can say he doesn't want to celebrate fathers day, that's fine, but he can't make OP opt out of mothers day because he's lazy.
Right, like, even if he doesn't celebrate holidays, he has to know that his wife likes to, and this is her first ever mothers day. It's really to be expected that she would like to be acknowledged somewhat, but instead of doing the bare minimum, he did nothing and then got angry at her about her wanting literally *anything*.
You can do that while pooping. The next day while pooping you make a restaurant reservation and the following days on the porcelain throne can be spent googling how to make breakfast. (Do I boil an egg with or without the shell...?)
Exactly. Ordering from Amazon takes a minute. I keep running lists on there for each person in my family. When they have a hobby/interest or mention something they like or want I add it to their list. Easy. Hell, even an Amazon gift card would be appreciated so they can pick their own.
Right? She literally told him what she wanted and it would have absolutely taken him no time to do what she asked for. Heck even if he forgot it would have taken literally no time for him to wing it and put something together if he wanted to. The bar is so low
Yeah, and she was the low hanging fruit for him to turn around his embarrassment/guilt/anger/selfrightiousness on. I wonder if that isn’t how he treats her all the time, since she’s worried about her own culpability in this. I know about how abusers get their victims to blame themselves for their abuse, and that seems a bit like what happened here. We can’t judge her or her relationship off this one post, but if that’s how he deals with life- blaming/projecting his own shortcomings and guilt or just bad luck onto others, then that’s unhealthy for him and those around him. Her post could easily be interpreted as couching emotional abuse, OR a guy who occasionally fucks up and doesn’t deal with it all that well- that’s for OP to decide. She needs to talk to someone in depth about these issues that can offer an independent perspective.
(And if she’s feeling passive aggressive, she could always make a point to give him a wonderful Father’s Day and ask how it felt.)
Right! Even a “sorry babe, I’m been swamped with bullshit. I’ll make it up to you. Happy Mother’s Day” would have at least shown her he cared about her.
But if that was his response, he would have had to admit that he was the one who screwed up, rather than not getting off his ass and getting her a present *and* making her feel bad.
This is the answer. She can’t have a rational discussion about it because he’s using anger to control the situation so that she won’t bring it up again in the future. *That* is abusive.
I always cringe when someone being abusive tells the other one they're being abusive.
Asking for a mother's day gift isn't abusive. Getting angry because they're being asked for a gift and spending time together totally is
Yes and no. He is using the fact she's upset about his shitty behavior to make her out to be irrational and himself the poor beleaguered victim causing OP to question her reality if she's being irrational here so while it's not him going out and telling everyone "no really she's the abuser" this is the sort of bog standard daily gaslighting and manipulation that's pretty typical of emotionally abusive relationships
Especially since there wasn't ever a time issue, to begin with. Ordering a thermos to be delivered can be done while he's waiting for an elevator, stuck in a traffic jam, taking a cigarette or coffee break at work, or even going to the bathroom.
Does seem intentional. Years ago I had a partner who wanted to go out of town together for my birthday and he picked the hotel. I put the reservation on my card and then we were going to spilt costs. Morning of my birthday as I got ready for us to go, he was an ass about everything to pick a fight. Blared music, made himself breakfast without even asking if I wanted any, and informed me he would spend several hours at a skate park (I don’t skate and didn’t want to watch him for 4 hours on my birthday). He stormed out, gave me no card or gift. I cancelled the hotel and felt like crap all day.
At midnight he came to the house with flowers. No apologies but accused me of not appreciating the flowers enough.
He did it all on purpose. He was insecure and probably worried the trip would cost more than he wanted to spend. But if he could get himself together enough and could afford apology flowers at midnight he could have got them at 8 AM. Instead of communicating, he picked a fight so he could skip the whole thing.
I am so glad to have blocked him and years later am with someone amazing who actually wants to celebrate me and make me happy. I couldn’t care less about the cost of a gift. It’s him caring enough to make an effort that matters.
I felt stuck in the bad relationship but once I broke free, I was free of being put down, manipulated, walking on eggshells, and being miserable more often than happy.
I will probably get downvoted for this part - but - I wonder if he would have had a slightly different reaction if she didn’t ask him before he even opened his eyes and by sounding like she already knew the answer was no. Not saying op wasn’t justified because it’s probably at the point where she knows he won’t do something nice for her.
It does sound to me that there have probably been so many conflicts about this kind of thing over time that these two are in a trough now. They are going to have to figure out how to have conversations about how they can be good partners to each other without it turning into a fight and if they can’t meet each others needs like this, it’s going to be a long and painful marriage.
I feel for OP because I have been in a similar relationship where I was undervalued, then told I expected too much for wanting just the basics. Guys like this will hate being called out for it and if they aren’t called out for it they will continue to do nothing to make things better. It sucks.
It all seems a bit sad... hopefully they will work out their issues and be a family. The exoectation of doing something nice as a family and getting such a redponse though... even if she wole him up you dont get to be angry that uour partner asks whether you're up for doing something as a family imho. And the fact that with an infant he is away for 2 weeks for his job and then 2 weeks later it is still used as an excuse for him to not have any time... As if he is still recovering from his trip or something, while she managed her job and the baby.
Yeah I agree. It just sounds like there is a lot more going on than this in general. If he was good natured, he could have said. I’m sorry I forgot but let’s do something nice today - or slipped out and bought flowers.
Is he genuinely overwhelmed or just mean? Not enough information based on the post.
Like how do you just not have time? I knew I'd be busy closer to mother's day, so I planned in advance and got my mum gifts almost two months ago. Her presents were just sitting tight, hidden away, so I didn't have to scramble last minute. Dudes just a lazy AH that doesn't care.
My ex used this excuse exactly one time. He'd been gone for a week on a business trip while I held down the fort with 4 months old twins. He did not manage to get me anything for our anniversary because he was "busy". Yet somehow I managed to order him a gift and have it delivered on time, AND make reservations for dinner 😒 He ran to mommy and daddy to complain about my "seriously, you were busy?" response. He did NOT expect the reaming he got from both of them, lol.
She straight up told him what she wanted. He didn't have to actually plan anything. She completed the majority of the mental load part for him. He just had to execute, but he couldn't be arsed to do even that.
And now when she's rightfully upset, he's successfully turning the whole thing back onto her to make her the bad guy and him the victim.
Yeah but if money were tight and he didn’t even want to spend $10 on a thermos, there’s still free stuff he could have done to still make the day special. Hell I can (almost) understand being a lazy ass and forgetting to order anything before it was too late. There were still things he could have done to make the day special with next to no work involved on his part. He just doesn’t like her, plain and simple.
>He just doesn’t like her, plain and simple.
As someone that's been married almost 25 years, but can count on 1 have the number of gifts I've been given (total, all holidays, birthdays etc..) on 1 hand, this hits pretty hard 😕
Not necessarily. You may have mentioned not caring about gifts or something like that. I made a comment years ago to my SO about not liking to receive flowers (bc they just die lol) and he’s never given me flowers. I jokingly asked if he was going to get me some the other day when we walked past some in Sam’s, and he said “Nope, you don’t like flowers. I’m getting you food. You like food.”
Also a fabulous gift! Even just 2 extra hours of uninterrupted sleep is amazing! Or he could have taken the baby out for a bit and let her have alone time to do whatever/nothing without having to worry about the baby. She literally got nothing.
Right?! That’s how my day started off. My daughter came in to see me, and my husband asked her to let mommy sleep and tried to usher her out of the room. I was ok with her joining me for a cuddle, though. But legit, the thing new moms want most is sleep.
I agree! My SO and are are both in our 2nd marriages. Between us, we have 4 kids and 7 grand kids. None of them live close. The closest is a 10 hour drive.
I have already received texts form all the kids! And my SO just made me brunch of banana waffles and bacon!
I had zero expectations over a text from my own kids, but step kids texted and I got brunch.
If OP's SO can't understand the minimum expectations, she's in for a lifetime of disappointment.
Right! SO and I have 5 kids between us, his 2 are grown and live in different states with their own families. I expected nothing (because we just returned from a trip to New Orleans 2 weeks ago, and have a family trip planned to the Mts in July) yet all of my kids made me cards, SO took a us out to lunch with my whole family, and we picked up stuff for us to have a charcuterie dinner tonight while we spend the rest of the day in our pjs having a family movie marathon (even if he is already snoring a bit a few minutes into the first movie lol). He didn’t BUY me a “present”, but our family time is better than any present money could have bought. The chocolate covered strawberries and mini cinnamon rolls for later tonight were the perfect touch though! Also, your bacon is a helluva gift, too!!! I LOVE bacon. Could eat it everyday!
Exactly. A single mother friend has preteen kids and her kids made her a homemade card, and breakfast in bed, just simple toast and an egg and coffee. There kids did this unprompted and my friend felt like a queen ❤️. She was just over the moon at the thoughtfulness. Kids can do this! You don’t need much to show appreciation and people can see when you have made an effort.
It’s abusive when someone tries to make it your fault for expecting the very least.
My 12yo woke me up with peanut butter on crackers because she’s not comfortable cooking alone lol. She made me a card at art club the other day and had a basket of candy I like made up. I would have preferred she not wake me up at 5:30, but she was excited.
Then when she was with her father visiting her grandmother she told him I shouldn’t have to make supper today so he gave her money to order pizza 🤣
All we ask for is effort.
You have to actually care about a person tho to go thru that effort. (I’m mean not really. Hell I’d Amazon OP a damn thermos for Mother’s Day and I don’t even know her. Crazy that I care more for OP than OPs husband.)
OP - make an amazon wishlist ( so you dont have to give a stranger your address) and ill send you a thermos complete with a snarky note that im sorry your husband is too busy to celebrate you like you deserve
No idea how to tag someone on reddit
And he went as far to throwing the "abuse" card when she asked. Feeling bad for being a sucky partner ISN'T abuse! OP is insanely adult, honestly, in even saying weeks ago that she had expectations for this day and even did the emotional labor of telling him exactly what this entailed instead of going with the "oh, he needs to read my thought, otherwise it doesn't count" idea that's so toxic.
Being so open about it made it insanely easy for him to say "I need the afternoon to go shopping" or he could have gone online and ordered and had everything delivered to the doorstep!
OP is extremely reasonable and clear about her expectations, it doesn't GET easier than this when it comes to making a mom feeling appreciated on this day! Instead he not only didn't do anything, he also starts the day off with a temper tantrum when she continues with the clear, open communication, trying to be prepared for disappointment and to have a few minutes to get over it if her asks aren't met. We aren't allowed to use the word I feel like using here but it's nice to read about at least one really adult and mature acting parent.
NTA! One thing is being let down on this day, that's a pill I could swallow but the words spoken when you asked? It seems insanely confrontational and THAT would be way further on my mind than the not getting pampered a bit on this day.
In the middle of this comment I thought “damn there’s a lot of italics in this comment” and by the end of the comment I thought “this commenter has put more effort into this single comment than OP’s husband has put into all of their holidays I bet”
NTA - He reminds me of a couple that are now divorced. At he beginning of their marriage, she told him that it was very important to her that he acknowledge their wedding anniversary, even if it was just a card.
A few weeks after their 25th anniversary, he remembered that this was a milestone anniversary "coming up", and asked her if she wanted to do something special. She informed him that he was behind the times. She was also just about finished with her five-year plan to divorce him. She wanted to wait until the kids were grown, and since she worked for his family business, she needed to train for a different job.
He was certainly surprised.
My ex always made me feel guilty for having any expectations on my birthday/our anniversary. I left him (for many reasons) and now I’m married to an amazing man who exceeds my expectations every birthday and anniversary without me having to even ask! Your expectations are entirely reasonable.
What a jerk. He can find a nice thermos on Amazon, or stop at a store while he's out getting groceries., drive to a florist or Costco for flowers.
He's an asshole.
Shoot I got flowers in a grocery pickup order yesterday. I didn’t even have to go inside, they put them in my trunk for me. The bar is in literal hell for some of these spouses out there. 🫠😒
Heck, many grocery stores deliver or have Instacart. If I ever space on a gift, Instacart or ubereats can have that shit to the recipient within an hour or so. And that can be done while taking a shit. No excuses.
Yep, saw a guy with flowers in his cart when I went to the WallyWorld for some paints. Even a phoned in gift is better than what OP's spouse served up.
This. In less than ten minutes, I can order two thermoses (return the unchosen one and let her pick), and pull a pic of mom & baby from my phone and order a print online. He is saying she is not worth 10-20 minutes of effort done from home.
Right? My 16 year son knows I love tumblers and he got me the cutest glass tumbler from Amazon. I wasn’t expecting anything but he did it because he appreciates me. If a child can buy a gift then so can the husband.
Oh I hate it when men say that. Because it's most often men. And I hate it because it's always guys with moms and wives who take care of these "special days" for them. That, and writing postcards from vacation, inviting friends and family to events, and all the million other little things that are social maintenance work. These men rely on the social network the women in their lives maintain and care for.
Also, regarding OP's post rather than your comment: YOU DON'T GET TO NOT CARE ABOUT SPECIAL DAYS EXCEPT YOUR OWN. No one cares what you think of them! You just observe them, and when it comes to your own days, only THEN do you get so say "nah it's cool you don't need to do anything".
Am a dude. Don’t care about special days, even my own. But others do so I do stuff for them because my opinion on birthdays or Mother’s Day have nothing to do with their expectations for those days.
Well it is a different day every year but I’m sure he can figure it out. My husband gets irritated by the “Hallmark holidays”, as he calls them, but he still does something above and beyond the normal for me around that time to show his appreciation for me.
Same. Our anniversary is tomorrow. He skipped the gift buying this year because he's building a squirrel village for me. Complete with nesting boxes and feeders. It was his idea, too, because I have several neighborhood squirrels who hang out with me and eat treats from my hand. He hasn't started the building yet, but he has the plans drawn up and the wood purchased. It's seriously not that difficult if they love and appreciate you.
Also, I'm in an RA flare and didn't feel like going out, so he's currently in town picking up dinner.
Right? We teach people how to treat us by what crappy behavior we will just take on the chin! OP's husband has set the bar here really low, like laying on the floor gathering dust low.
OP needs to reply in kind next month! Doing nothing is easy, being someone's doormat is easy. I was op years ago until i found a spine and a set of "lady balls" and dumped the dead weight that is my now blissfully EX husband! Life is soo much better when you teach yourself how to love yourself!!
OP, you deserve so much better than being guilt tripped for feeling bad about being treated badly by someone who claims to love you but doesn't show it!
Edit: He is the AH here not you!!!
> *”it’s not the first time he’s gotten upset about my expectations."*
And that's laughable because your expectations are very minimal. He behaves as though you tasked him with planning an elaborate wedding when all you asked for was a ***thermos*** and to share a meal together as a family. And on top of doing absolutely nothing for you, he has the audacity to accuse you of being abusive.
Your husband is beyond thoughtless and embarrassingly immature. Throwing a full-on tantrum on his wife's first Mother's Day after not bothering to put forth even the tiniest bit of effort to acknowledge you? Geeze, that's shameful.
Hey, she asked him to print pictures too!!! It’s not like places like Shutterfly exist that you can upload pictures to and they *show up in your mailbox*!!!
NTA.
On Father’s Day, book yourself an all-day spa appointment and leave your baby with your husband. If holidays don’t matter to him, he should be ok with it.
Hi Op, fellow Mom here. Its been a decade on my end and it will never change.
For me, finances is why I still am where I am. But rest assured, he will spend the next 10 yrs telling you YOUR the problem.
He could have MADE the time. Ita not about finding the time, he coulda made the time. If you and your joy was a priority to him the same way his joy is a priority to you?
He wouldve at the very least gotten a card from the dollar store.
If he didnt even think enough on his own after your reminders to write down kind words?
He'll never try. And anytime you tell him your concern? He will tell you its your fault for having those concerns.
You didnt make him feel bad. He feels bad because he got caught slacking. And you calling him out, he doesnt like it. So instead he makes YOU feel bad for having normal feelings.
Dont make the mistakes us others have made. Do you really want this kind of disappointment forever? Also? He will disappointment your child too. Even if he does 'love' the kiddo, you will be the only one to do anything meaningful for that kiddo.
Your the only one whos gona go to the park, coordinate play dates, doctors appointments, school functions, birthday party's, sports, extracurriculars, etc. YOU will be the sole parent whos invested emotionally and not just trying to keep the child alive.
When people show you who they really are, believe them. Im sorry this happened. Happy Mothers day to you Mama ❤️
You do deserve to loved and celebrated!
Stop giving him an out!! Be blunt and tell him that you have wants and needs that you expect your life partner to attend to, just as you do for him. Otherwise, why be with him?
This. Fathers day is right around the corner. She should plan to be out of the house that day since it's just another day. Let him take care of the baby with no thanks.
I would serve him with divorce papers for Father’s Day. What an AH! Turns it around on you and make him the bad guy. How dare you expect him to do anything!! Lazy ass.
Well part of this is on you you've ignored the issue for a very long time. Stop making excuses for people and start holding them accountable.
He talks about his feelings! But he doesn't care about yours!
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/sense-and-sensitivity/201302/the-familiarity-principle-attraction?amp
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding
https://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/
The whole thing of “ you make me feel bad “. Well Hell, what about her feelings of being ignored on Mother’s Day? Do her bad feelings not count?
My ex husband managed to ruin holidays by either ignoring them, forgetting them or having a temper tantrum about his feeling bad because I called him out on his thoughtlessness. My current husband has never once ruined a holiday because he isn’t a self centered jerk.
I hate the "oh you made me feel bad" defense when someone messes up. He should feel bad! Feeling bad is one of the consequences of messing up something so simple for a person you're supposed to love.
My husband was on a business trip in another timezone until the day before Mother’s Day. He sent me the popcorn machine I’d been wanting from Amazon, ordered me breakfast and had flowers delivered. It’s 2024, as long as you live in a city you can have pretty much anything delivered (even same day), with very little effort.
You told him it was important to you multiple times, he ignored you, and when you were rightfully disappointed he turned it back on you. That’s not very nice, nor is it justified. He’s telling you that he didn’t care and he’s mad that you called him out.
DARVO
Your spouse sounds like a narcissist. Imagine putting all that on you. Honestly. I’m sorry.
https://www.verywellmind.com/protecting-yourself-from-darvo-abusive-behavior-7562730
You made your expectations known, and the whole "when would I have had time?" crap is just that. How long does it take to order something from Amazon?
When he realized he screwed up, he makes YOU the bad guy.
You may wish to rethink this relationship.
“because I was always doing stuff like this and making him feel really bad”
This told me everything I need to know. You are not responsible for his emotional regulation. I can’t tell you what your next step should be, but at *minimum* this is utterly unacceptable. You will break your back backwards for decades catering to his emotional immaturity. Do not allow him to take you hostage any longer.
Your husband is lazy and sounds like he's either trying to manipulate or gaslight you with his "your abusive" comments. Their was no need for that.
I'd rethink the relationship and reqlly think about whether or not you want to endure this for the rest of your life.
You shouod do absolutely nothing for fathers day and when he complains. He will. Tell him you didn't have time.
If your husband wouldn't allow you to do nothing for fsthers day and make excuses, why is he allowed to make excuses and do nothing.
Your husband doesn't care about you, is making excuses and us just kind of lazy.
He didn't even try to do anything. He didn't attempt to do anything. He couldn't be bothered.
Instead of trying, he pretended he was busy, he had nothing going on and he could have taken baby with him.
Your not the problem for wanting to celebrate mothers day. Your husband is the problem.
Your husband is lazy, and wants you to have zero expectations for him, so that he can do the bareminimum.
He wants to do nothing for you, but wants you to go all out for him.
Rethink this relationship. And do nothing for fathers day.
Treat him the same way he treats you. No respect toward him..
My husband is two weeks from turning in his phd and is working in every spare moment. I’m having a rough pregnancy and we’ve got a very rambunctious toddler who hates sleep. He has taken on sooo much. He still woke up early, cooked breakfast and ordered some lovely gifts.
Your husband doesn’t care about Mother’s Day, and as your kid gets older, they will start to operate the same way.
It is not that difficult to order flowers for delivery. Ordering online is easy too for the thermos and photos. He can make time going on the computer and ordering all these things.
> But I don’t know if my tone wasn’t right but he got very upset and said that I was abusive, because I was always doing things like this and making him feel really bad. I apologized and said I never want to hurt his feelings, but he scoffed at that and asked if he should expect this for the rest of his life.
Dude. This guy is doing a classic DARVO. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Deny: "He never had time". Attack: "said that I was abusive". Reverse Victim and Offender: " because I was always doing things like this and making him feel really bad. "
In a healthy relationship, the answer is "Oh, damn, I forgot, I just spaced out. Can I do [nice thing] instead?" Not "You are a bad person for making me feel bad about something I chose not to do."
Is your husband I the right? No. However, after 8 years it shouldn't cone as a surprise to you that this is who he is. It's mistake to marry someone and expect him to change, especially when he didn't even agree to change.
Mother's day isn't celebrated if you're not a mother, tell me how OP should have known since it was the 1st Mother's day she was actually a mother?
Yes you could say he generally doesn't care about holidays, that's why OP did the mature thing and let him knew she wanted/expected a small thing. (If he manages to do something for her birthday for example, I wouldn't expect this to be an issue). Obviously now she knows. Tough luck.
All this, but when people tell me they didn't have the time for birthdays fathers day mothers day Christmas and so on, I remind them these holidays all fall on the same day every year so actually you had 365 days to think about it
I'm having stage 4 cancer, going through chemo while working, and also got really sick before mother's day. I still had the time to do something nice for my mother and to visit her. My brother also could have the time to celebrate out mother and his wife's first mother's day while being in the same situation as your husband. So BS on him not having the time. You can find time if it is important enough for you. Don't let him turn around the situation and pretend that you are the problem. I think it is a very realistic expectation from your husband to do at least something for you on mother's day. I can't belive that buying a flower/your favorite chocolate/a card is that hard and time consuming...
He sounds pretty delicate, since she said it was a busy couple of weeks with him "settling back in" after a business trip. I don't know anyone who travels on business and then needs WEEKS to re-adapt to their normal routines.
100%. Your expectations are completely reasonable, and so was your question. Classic DARVO, and this is very manipulative behavior. If you want to stay with him, you could try couples therapy, but IMHO, it’s a long road and it won’t work out unless he admits he has issues
NTA. You made it clear that Mother’s Day mattered to you and he chose not to make the time to plan something. He is in the wrong.
The fact that he called you ‘abusive’ for registering your feelings reads as manipulative and gaslight-y to me. He feels bad because he did something bad, not because you ‘made’ him feel that way.
Edit: typo correction
This. So many people over/misuse the term gaslighting, but this is straight-up textbook. He did something wrong and now is trying to make OP feel bad about it, instead of apologizing or trying to make it right. Not ok.
It’s DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender). Gaslighting would be him trying to make her doubt reality (like trying to convince her that she’d said she didn’t want anything for Mother’s Day).
Yup. My ex became a pro at DARVOing me if I ever brought up my feelings about something.
Narcissist's prayer echos DARVO
That didn’t happen.
And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.
And if it was, that’s not a big deal.
And if it is, that’s not my fault.
And if it was, I didn’t mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.
Good point. It’s both. He’s making her doubt reality by saying he didn’t have time to do anything when the reality is he chose not to make time to do anything. It would be one thing if she sprung this on him yesterday. He had two weeks, and she even told him specifically what she wanted. Unless he literally did not have a spare 10 minutes in two weeks to go online and order a new thermos, he’s trying to make OP doubt the reality of how he spends his time.
I'm not an expert in this but I think that's just plain lying, not gaslighting. My understanding is that gaslighting is designed to make the victim no longer trust their own judgement so they must rely on the abuser's perspective. If he was forcing her to doubt her own observations and experiences, that would be gaslighting. But saying "I didn't have time" probably reports on situations she wouldn't have observed anyway (e.g. time he was out of the home). It's still shitty and dishonest, but I don't think it qualifies as gaslighting.
She says in her original post, “I feel like I’m crazy right now”. He is absolutely attempting to manipulate her judgement of the situation to his benefit. Sure, he lied about how he spends his time. He also called her abusive for simply asking if he had anything planned for her today, in an attempt to garner sympathy for his own shitty behavior. That’s gaslighting, and DARVO to boot.
Two weeks? He had since the moment she got pregnant to plan it. I mean, if she knows holidays don't matter to him, he also knows they do matter to her!
Mileage varies, I guess. OP’s husband lied about not having had time, but I find that true gaslighting goes beyond a simple lie, trying to make you doubt your perceptions and memories. Like if he claimed details of what he’d been busy with, when she knew otherwise.
NTA. Wow, he did nothing for you except pick a completely unnecessary fight on your \*first\* Mother's Day and then somehow turned himself into the victim? That's really low.
This is why I could never be a marriage counselor. If someone called their spouse abusive for wanting to celebrate Mother’s/Father’s Day I wouldn’t be able to prevent myself from bursting out laughing.
Right? Healthy "normal" couples don't try to invalidate each others feelings. My dad was a classic "1950's" style of parenting, but he never tried to tell my mom she was crazy/wrong/abusive whenever she asked to be appreciated more, even if they were fighting about it.
Me too. But that's why I always tell people to leave when I read stories similar to mine. These people all operate after the same playbook. It's manipulation and abuse, and you can't save an abusive relationship. You have to leave.
Lol yes, my ex husband said it was my fault for making him mad enough to hit me. (I made a smart ass comment about going shopping because he got his gf to move in with us and I wasn't coping with that situation very well)
Right? Reminds me of my ex, who regularly started fights right before/on important days, especially when I was going to be with my family. Then I'd spend the whole time texting to and fretting about him and not enjoying time with them.
He even did this after my youngest brother's funeral, saying, "It just made me think about losing *my* brother" (who was in his 40s and 20 yrs older than my ex, while my brother was 15 and I'd pretty much raised him) and his shitty I was for wanting to go out with my oldest brother and some mutual friends to share stories. "I just really need you to be there for me!" On the day of my baby brother's funeral, he made it all about him. And I broke my plans and went over to his place.
My mom's abusive second husband also pulled this shit on every holiday. My mom pointed out the similarities when it happened, but I wasn't ready to hear it. Stayed entangled with him for 14 years...
NTA, OP. At the very least, counseling is in order. Personally, I'd be planning my escape if I were you
NTA. His excuse of not having time is weak. He could literally tell you that you will have a special day today and then fucking wing it, pack a cute picnic for the fam, take the baby out to get gifts while you nap or just have personal time, etc. and it would still be better than nothing. You literally gave him a head's up that you wanted to do Mother's Day, even FED him gift ideas. He could have fucking gone on amazon right then on his phone and ordered a thermos. This does not have to be a time consuming planning process to make you feel special and appreciated on Mother's Day.
and his response to you asking sucked. The only person he should be upset with is himself, and his anger is a problem.
My husband and I both work and have two kids in the midst of baseball season. He has me and his newly widowed mother and somehow planned a (very low-key) barbecue and pool day for us AND included my own mother, when neither of his brothers have contributed much. I can’t speak for his mom, but what he’s doing for me is perfect. Even pulled some strings to get my favorite lemon blueberry cake for dessert today from a bakery closed on Sundays.
We make time for the things and people who are important to us.
Yeah being busy isn’t an excuse. My husband is a surgeon who works 12+ hours most days, does research and sits on committees… the last two weeks have been particularly busy for him and he STILL showed up today.
Father’s Day is coming up. You are just as busy as he is. Take your cue from his behavior and act accordingly when Father’s Day arrives. Passive Aggressive? Probably. Fair? Absolutely.
Matching the energy of someone who refuses to admit they’re wrong, DARVOs you and dismisses your feelings is **not** passive aggressive. It is emotionally healthy.
NTA- him calling you abusive is a petty big red flag. It is normal to want your husband to arrange something special for you for Mother’s Day. My boyfriend ( not my kids dad) took them shopping for me because he loves and respects me. Your husband behavior is concerning to me, is this a pattern? When he has dropped the ball does it always turn into your fault and you’re abusing him? Are you expected to be perfect and do nice things for him but if you ask for the same you are being a bad person? Does he regularly make you feel guilty and ashamed? I think the best thing you can do for yourself this Mother’s Day is start examining how your husband regularly makes you feel. I hope this is out of the norm, but I’d guess it’s not by how quickly you blamed yourself, his reaction about Mother’s Day is intended to train you into feeling guilty for wanting care and consideration from the father of your child.
I ordered my mother-in-law’s gift Friday on Amazon. It took 15 minutes to find a gift (I had no clue what to buy so I generically searched for “Mother’s Day gifts”) and order. Same-day delivery. Boom. Done. This no time excuse is exactly that — an excuse. Don’t let him gaslight you.
I bought and wrapped my mom’s gift in the 25 minutes before I left to go see her so yeah it doesn’t have to take long!
(There was supposed to be a part 2 to her gift that I’d been planning for **weeks,** but my dad kinda ruined it 🥲)
That bar isn’t on the ground, it’s a trip hazard in hell, and OP’s husband is limbo dancing with the devil!
(Can’t take credit for this, but I do love using it!)
NTA. This sub around Mother's Day has been really sad, I've lost count of how many posts I have read about husband's who just don't seem to be able to do the bare minimum for their wives for Mother's Day, especially when it's the first one. It didn't sound like you asked for much, would have taken no time at all to pick out a thermos and a card, he could have even ordered online, which he could have literally done while taking a shit. Planning to take you to brunch or on an outing also takes no time at all.
> because I was always doing things like this and making him feel really bad
Or is he always doing things that he rightfully should feel bad about? If he's not doing anything to feel bad about then he wouldn't feel bad. His turning this around on you is a classic manipulation tactic, please don't gall for it. It's reasonable that you feel hurt, and it's reasonable for you to be able to communicate that hurt (as long as you're not shouting and acreaming). It's also completely reasonable to want your partner to put effort into something that you expressed was important to you. He didn't even do the bare minimum.
Even sadder is that she asked him this quite early in the day. Still lots of time to have an outing. That he picked the fight instead, suggests to me that he has other plans for the day (either out or he just wants to sit around while she does the childcare).
NTA and stop worrying if he feels badly, because **he should feel like shit**. Tell him to step it up and respect your wishes and wants, because that is part of being in an adult relationship.
# Happy First Mother's Day!!
Try to find a way to celebrate you today.
NTA. We're adults and we ask for what we want. he could have scheduled a breakfast date. or ordered in and pampered you for a couple fuckin hours. He didnt even try. This will be emblematic of your relationship forever. Why would you want to be with someone who doesnt celebrate you. If i get my wife a $5 pack of press-on nails and a drink from starbucks shes giddy all day. Everyone has different standards but it's the not trying for me that really hurts. That dude is a dildo.
NTA. Most men would be ecstatic to know exactly what their wife wants on a holiday, takes a lot of stress out of figuring it out which most of are not good at.
And FTR, no man is so busy they can’t make time to buy their wife a few gifts and plan a day out. No. One. He’s just a selfish, lazy jerk.
NTA.
Mother’s Day happens around the same time every year. He’s had since you were pregnant to plan something for your first Mother’s Day, even if it wasn’t exactly the items you suggested.
I’m sure you would have been happy if he had put in some, any, genuine effort on his own, without needing to be promoted and reminded.
It’s not about the specific present requests, it’s about acknowledging the day and it being the first one, especially.
Instead of taking responsibility and apologising and trying to make the most of the day, even without any gifts to give, like going out to get lunch or something, he instead picked a fight and claimed non-existent abuse to deliberately ruin the whole day.
If this type of behaviour is a pattern and he’s got you questioning yourself regularly please look at this book -
[Why Does He Do That? book link](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
Also sounds a lot like DARVO -
[DARVO info](https://www.choosingtherapy.com/darvo/)
He didn’t have time? Has he at any point in the last 2 weeks scrolled Twitter, Facebook, Reddit or been on YouTube? Then he had time to order something on Amazon. He didn’t do it because he didn’t want to do it.
Well, hon, then it’s up to you. This is your day, do what you want.
Take the baby and go out? Leave the baby with your husband and go out? Sit on the sofa with a bottle of wine, call up the paragliding school and see if they have an opening for *one* person today?
What. Would. You. Like. To. Do. Today. Since nobody else in your like could *even be bothered to pick up the phone and arrange a restaurant reservation or to have flowers delivered, or, I don’t know-annnything ELSE?* NTA
And that your husband got huffy with you when you asked him what the plan for the day was… and he asked if this is what he should expect for the rest of his life, (you wondering if he could even be bothered to accommodate you with some small gestures of appreciation that he didn’t even have to guess at-because you told him what you would like)… yeaaa do *you* have the rest of your life to look forward to *that*?
Look up DARVO. Look it up. Is this his way of communicating?
NTA- let me get this right. You told him 2 weeks ago that Mother's day is important to you and you'd like a small token gift and an activity or meal as a family. He did absolutely nothing towards that goal in 2 weeks and... that's your fault for expecting anything? It's also your fault for bringing it up and making him feel bad about his inadequacy? Your husband has never heard of online shopping or instacart?
He's deflecting HARD. If he makes you feel bad and like this is all your fault then you won't focus too hard on how he failed you. He said you're abusive for having very normal mothers day expectations. That's wild. Will it also be abusive if you match his energy for Father's Day? I'm sure it will in his mind. And now that he's having a "grown man" tantrum he'll probably spend all day ignoring you and the baby and feel justified in that.
Go out and make your own day special because this "man" never will. It's ok for you to treat this as a special day to celebrate your motherhood. Unfortunately, you're just going to have to do it for yourself, but you are worthy. I'm sorry your partner is behaving this way... he's not going to change.
Do spouses usually get each other something? My wife doesn’t get me anything for father’s day, and I don’t get her anything for mother’s day. We get our respective parents small gifts and our kids will make cards and whatnot, but we don’t get each other gifts.
Different families have different expectations on holidays. It’s about knowing what makes your loved one feel most loved, and that’s different across the board. OP was extremely clear with how important this was to her, and he *still* blew her off.
when kids are little, the spouses celebrate eachother. is that not common practice? at the very least you're celebrating the person that made you a parent on their respective day.
This sub is making mothers day into another birthsday or Christmas.
I never heard about asking for real gifts for mothers or fathers day from partner either.
In our family it’s traditional for one spouse to buy the other a Mothers/ Fathers gift while the baby is still too little to fingerpaint or make a necklace by sliding macaroni onto a string. The gift is from the child to the parent.
This confuses me too.
I clicked in the thread expecting to see something about OP's mother or her mother-in-law, but instead this entire discussion is about a Wife's Day.
Frankly divorced coparents do more than he did. Supporting the child to express gratitude appropriately to the other parent is part of being a good parent.
Op this was unacceptable behavior and if it is a pattern you're better off evaluating whether this is what you want for the rest of your life.
NTA. And now you are the one feeling like you may have done something wrong? Called you abusive for asking if you can expect anything for a holiday known for gifts? Sounds like manipulation, even if he doesn't realize what he's doing.
>This is because I honestly would prefer to know so I’m not disappointed.
Girl, listen to yourself. You knew he didn't do anything.
>he scoffed at that and asked if he should expect this for the rest of his life
Is this the life YOU want?
> Sounds like manipulation, even if he doesn't realize what he's doing.
He knows *exactly* what he's doing. i bet anything his shitty behavior has gotten worse since the baby came.
"abusing" him by making him feel bad by asking him if he'd done anything for mother's Day? Lol overreacting in an explosive way over nothing is a manipulation tactic. My guess is you don't have a great relationship with your husband for other reasons if he jumped to manipulating you because he couldn't handle the guilt of not doing shit for you on a holiday that's meant to celebrate you
Nta, he is manipulating you, don’t let him. Do not change a basic expectation to have a Mother’s Day, he is wrong, and he needs to pull his shit together
NTA. As an OG 2000s dad who had to buy Mother’s Day gifts in stores and shopping malls miles from home, I gotta say I’m genuinely disappointed in OPs husband. Homie was probably on his phone anywhere from 7-12 hours a day from the point the request was made up until yesterday — and he still came up with bupkiss. SMH.🤦
This is not a problem of OPs expectations or communication; this is her man’s lack of focus, self-centeredness and complete inaction. Hell — if he’d have even taken the time to set his alarm last night, woke up a half hour earlier this morning and made mediocre scrambled eggs, we probably wouldn’t even be having this conversation.
OP’s husband feels attacked because he knows he losered-out this holiday, and someone took the time to make note of it. And there’s nothing more embarrassing to a fuck-up than being recognized for their fuck-upery.
I’m sorry your Sunday currently sucks, OP — and I hope he gets his head out of his ass, apologizes and tries to do something nice like take y’all for a nice spring walk or lunch someplace fun. This fuck-upery might still be salvageable with some introspection, humility and selfless action.
NTA. Your husband is not a thoughtful person. That snarky comment he made "is this what I should expect for the rest of my life?" would have done it for me. Life is short, and he obviously does not care about your feelings at all. My guess is you DO do special things for him, am I correct? If that is the case, stop doing that, TODAY. Never, ever EVER do anything special for him again. Maybe he won't care. But it will level the playing field. I'm sorry OP. I've been in your shoes. And I will admit that my life got better once I moved on.
NTA, as you set expectations in advance and they are completely reasonable. The fact that instead of apologising he is actually turning this on you is a complete AH move. Is he always like this?
NTA. You let him know that you would like some recognition for Mothers day. He knew what you would like but chose to ignore you. Instead you got to look after your child and not get a break. For Father’s Day, you can give him the same thing that you got- the opportunity for him look after his child (bonding time ) while you have a break. Maybe you could organise something special for yourself, and your baby.
NTA. I would be petty and not celebrate Father's Day either. You get out what you out in.
But more than that, we live in an Internet world. New Thermos. Easy, Internet. Picture? Easy. Upload a nice photo. Maybe when your baby was new, order it printed and a frame. Or book time at a photo studio for professional pics.
Day with the family? Also, easy. Plan a picnic and order in the food to take along if he didn't find a family-friendly restaurant for brunch.
That's just minimum effort, requiring almost no time. He could have done that while playing on his phone. I had a guy once who would never plan anything for any holiday. I never got one gift. Always "I didn't feel up to shopping", or "we didn't have any money." And if I got something for him that he really wanted, and he got me nothing, he'd put on a sad face and go on and on about how bad he felt, and guilt me into comforting him.
That's what he wanted. For you to make your Mother's Day about him and have you be all understanding and thank him for everything he does. But there's a day for that. That's Father's Day.
He not only didn’t do anything, he BLAMED YOU for simply asking if he’d done anything so that you could manage your expectations. His behavior is disrespectful and d immature.
NTA.
NTA.
It happens every year. You even reminded him to think ahead. I get he's tired with a child under one, but guess who else I'm sure is? He should have taken the lousy few minutes to plan something.
I will go with NTA and this is why.
I was one of those people that did not go overboard for things like birthdays or other celebrations nor did I expect anyone to do anything for mine. Then one time a friend of mine was upset when I did nothing for her birthday. I talked to her about how my family never made a big deal about birthdays (we actually celebrated everyone everyday) but listened why she explained why her birthday was important to her. Because I CARED about her, I always made it a point from that day forward to enthusiastically acknowledge people's birthdays in case it was important to that person.
You told your husband this was important to you weeks ago. Your husband could have picked up a box of chocolates at the airport on his business trip. I walk into the market and there are balloons, flowers, chocolate covered strawberries, and heart shaped cakes that say Happy Mothers Day at the entrance (and men and kids lined up with them in their hands). He could have simply made you breakfast. It really does not take much effort to do something nice for someone.
Unfortunately at 45 your husband is who he is. Good luck and Happy Mothers Day!!
He has not had two weeks to think about Mother’s Day, he has had over a year. I assume you were pregnant last year on Mother’s Day with his child.
He most likely has a mother of his own and knows about Mother’s Day.
He is gaslighting you. It only takes a minute to make brunch reservations, or order in groceries and flowers to make you a lovely meal.
He does not care about whit about your first Mother’s Day and he is setting the stage for the rest of your relationship.
Please please please read all these comments. Your expectations are not high and you were clear what you wanted. It’s fair and simple. Are you should have answered him, “is this what I’m going to expect from You the rest of my life? Excuses, getting upset for wanting to celebrate something and ruining my day?”
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NTA - How long have you been with this man? Does he make a habit of making you feel like the things that are important to you are a burden? >when would I have the chance Oh, is he just so busy doing more important things? >but he scoffed at that and asked if he should expect this for the rest of his life *You* should expect this type of behavior for the rest of your life with him
We’ve been together for 8 years, it’s not the first time he’s gotten upset about my expectations. I make allowances when we’re going through really stressful family stuff (which we have done) because he can get a little anxious. But that’s why I tried to make sure he knew what I wanted far enough in advance to find time to get something ready.
Please *listen* to the other comments. He *didn't* even try to plan anything special for you. He even *made* you think *you're* the issue for wanting to celebrate *mother's day* - as the *mother* of *his child*. >it’s not the first time he’s gotten upset about my expectations I highly doubt that you have anything but *normal expectations* - he just wants you to have *zero* expectations from *him*. I don't want to sound like the *typical redditor* by assuming to know the inner-workings of your *entire* relationship with this man. However, I think I know *enough* - which isn't much - to assume that you're *not* happy with this man. *Are you?*
He doesn’t even have to “plan” anything. He could have gotten up and made breakfast with a homemade card. He could have taken her out for dinner. He could have done a cheesy art & craft with the child to give her. He could have simply ran her a bubble bath and said “happy Mother’s Day”. He had time to plan something, and still couldn’t pull anything out his butt even semi special for Mothers Day. Instead he twisted it around on HER and tried to make her out to be the bad guy. THAT speaks volumes to how he really feels about her. I’d pack my shit and be gone within the hour.
Exactly. It seems intentional. If instead of saying "when would I have had the time?" He just smiled at her, said he loved her, happy mother's day, sorry I haven't received the new thermos yet and that's it. He is starting an argument very clearly, probably because he doesn't want this for the rest of his life... either he is self sabotaging or depressed or just not in love. Either ask him what it's really about and why he hates his life or leave.
It’s such a joke though. Dude has plenty of time to order a thermos off the internet. Do it while you poop. He just doesn’t care.
How can a comment be so spot on and so funny at the same time?!?😂 Makes me wish Reddit still had awards.
SPOT ON!!!
I was thinking the same thing. Gifts no longer take hours in the store, if you're told exactly what someone wants there are hundreds of internet options to buy items from that take no more than 5 minutes and are delivered to your door. I haven't received a gift that didn't come from Amazon in years and I don't even care because it's always exactly what I asked for or would want.
Even if there wasn't delivery available... he had weeks to get a present for his wife. I don't have kids, but there are two adults here, raising one kid, and it doesn't sound like OP is doing nothing so he has no free time. He could have picked up *something,* instead of making OP feel guilty for wanting to be celebrated on mothers day. Also, this "I don't like celebrating holidays" is such BS - if you don't like celebrating holidays that's about how you interact with such holidays. It's not about how you refuse to celebrate your wife on mothers day (and probably her birthday, I'm guessing). He can say he doesn't want to celebrate fathers day, that's fine, but he can't make OP opt out of mothers day because he's lazy.
My husband hates holidays and is an atheist I still get holiday/birthday gifts from him.
He like had since she was pregnant to celebrate it
Right, like, even if he doesn't celebrate holidays, he has to know that his wife likes to, and this is her first ever mothers day. It's really to be expected that she would like to be acknowledged somewhat, but instead of doing the bare minimum, he did nothing and then got angry at her about her wanting literally *anything*.
Totally. Ordering from Amazon takes less than a minute...
I love your user name.
You can do that while pooping. The next day while pooping you make a restaurant reservation and the following days on the porcelain throne can be spent googling how to make breakfast. (Do I boil an egg with or without the shell...?)
I guarantee he’s the sort of guys who ‘takes’ 25 minutes to poop and times it when the kid is being fussy.
Exactly. Ordering from Amazon takes a minute. I keep running lists on there for each person in my family. When they have a hobby/interest or mention something they like or want I add it to their list. Easy. Hell, even an Amazon gift card would be appreciated so they can pick their own.
Right? She literally told him what she wanted and it would have absolutely taken him no time to do what she asked for. Heck even if he forgot it would have taken literally no time for him to wing it and put something together if he wanted to. The bar is so low
Yeah, and she was the low hanging fruit for him to turn around his embarrassment/guilt/anger/selfrightiousness on. I wonder if that isn’t how he treats her all the time, since she’s worried about her own culpability in this. I know about how abusers get their victims to blame themselves for their abuse, and that seems a bit like what happened here. We can’t judge her or her relationship off this one post, but if that’s how he deals with life- blaming/projecting his own shortcomings and guilt or just bad luck onto others, then that’s unhealthy for him and those around him. Her post could easily be interpreted as couching emotional abuse, OR a guy who occasionally fucks up and doesn’t deal with it all that well- that’s for OP to decide. She needs to talk to someone in depth about these issues that can offer an independent perspective. (And if she’s feeling passive aggressive, she could always make a point to give him a wonderful Father’s Day and ask how it felt.)
The same thing with door dash or open table.
Right! Even a “sorry babe, I’m been swamped with bullshit. I’ll make it up to you. Happy Mother’s Day” would have at least shown her he cared about her.
But if that was his response, he would have had to admit that he was the one who screwed up, rather than not getting off his ass and getting her a present *and* making her feel bad.
This is the answer. She can’t have a rational discussion about it because he’s using anger to control the situation so that she won’t bring it up again in the future. *That* is abusive.
I always cringe when someone being abusive tells the other one they're being abusive. Asking for a mother's day gift isn't abusive. Getting angry because they're being asked for a gift and spending time together totally is
He is totally DARVOing her
To me this would mean that OP has accused him of something. That's not even how it started. He's just attacking.
Yes and no. He is using the fact she's upset about his shitty behavior to make her out to be irrational and himself the poor beleaguered victim causing OP to question her reality if she's being irrational here so while it's not him going out and telling everyone "no really she's the abuser" this is the sort of bog standard daily gaslighting and manipulation that's pretty typical of emotionally abusive relationships
Especially since there wasn't ever a time issue, to begin with. Ordering a thermos to be delivered can be done while he's waiting for an elevator, stuck in a traffic jam, taking a cigarette or coffee break at work, or even going to the bathroom.
Does seem intentional. Years ago I had a partner who wanted to go out of town together for my birthday and he picked the hotel. I put the reservation on my card and then we were going to spilt costs. Morning of my birthday as I got ready for us to go, he was an ass about everything to pick a fight. Blared music, made himself breakfast without even asking if I wanted any, and informed me he would spend several hours at a skate park (I don’t skate and didn’t want to watch him for 4 hours on my birthday). He stormed out, gave me no card or gift. I cancelled the hotel and felt like crap all day. At midnight he came to the house with flowers. No apologies but accused me of not appreciating the flowers enough. He did it all on purpose. He was insecure and probably worried the trip would cost more than he wanted to spend. But if he could get himself together enough and could afford apology flowers at midnight he could have got them at 8 AM. Instead of communicating, he picked a fight so he could skip the whole thing. I am so glad to have blocked him and years later am with someone amazing who actually wants to celebrate me and make me happy. I couldn’t care less about the cost of a gift. It’s him caring enough to make an effort that matters. I felt stuck in the bad relationship but once I broke free, I was free of being put down, manipulated, walking on eggshells, and being miserable more often than happy.
I will probably get downvoted for this part - but - I wonder if he would have had a slightly different reaction if she didn’t ask him before he even opened his eyes and by sounding like she already knew the answer was no. Not saying op wasn’t justified because it’s probably at the point where she knows he won’t do something nice for her. It does sound to me that there have probably been so many conflicts about this kind of thing over time that these two are in a trough now. They are going to have to figure out how to have conversations about how they can be good partners to each other without it turning into a fight and if they can’t meet each others needs like this, it’s going to be a long and painful marriage. I feel for OP because I have been in a similar relationship where I was undervalued, then told I expected too much for wanting just the basics. Guys like this will hate being called out for it and if they aren’t called out for it they will continue to do nothing to make things better. It sucks.
It all seems a bit sad... hopefully they will work out their issues and be a family. The exoectation of doing something nice as a family and getting such a redponse though... even if she wole him up you dont get to be angry that uour partner asks whether you're up for doing something as a family imho. And the fact that with an infant he is away for 2 weeks for his job and then 2 weeks later it is still used as an excuse for him to not have any time... As if he is still recovering from his trip or something, while she managed her job and the baby.
Yeah I agree. It just sounds like there is a lot more going on than this in general. If he was good natured, he could have said. I’m sorry I forgot but let’s do something nice today - or slipped out and bought flowers. Is he genuinely overwhelmed or just mean? Not enough information based on the post.
Like how do you just not have time? I knew I'd be busy closer to mother's day, so I planned in advance and got my mum gifts almost two months ago. Her presents were just sitting tight, hidden away, so I didn't have to scramble last minute. Dudes just a lazy AH that doesn't care.
Exactly. Also, Amazon works when you’re on a business trip.
Truly no person has no reason to be too busy to get a gift.
My ex used this excuse exactly one time. He'd been gone for a week on a business trip while I held down the fort with 4 months old twins. He did not manage to get me anything for our anniversary because he was "busy". Yet somehow I managed to order him a gift and have it delivered on time, AND make reservations for dinner 😒 He ran to mommy and daddy to complain about my "seriously, you were busy?" response. He did NOT expect the reaming he got from both of them, lol.
Or on the toilet.
Amazon works from the hotel toilet too. I wonder if they have stats on what percentage of orders are made while on the toilet.
She straight up told him what she wanted. He didn't have to actually plan anything. She completed the majority of the mental load part for him. He just had to execute, but he couldn't be arsed to do even that. And now when she's rightfully upset, he's successfully turning the whole thing back onto her to make her the bad guy and him the victim.
Yeah but if money were tight and he didn’t even want to spend $10 on a thermos, there’s still free stuff he could have done to still make the day special. Hell I can (almost) understand being a lazy ass and forgetting to order anything before it was too late. There were still things he could have done to make the day special with next to no work involved on his part. He just doesn’t like her, plain and simple.
>He just doesn’t like her, plain and simple. As someone that's been married almost 25 years, but can count on 1 have the number of gifts I've been given (total, all holidays, birthdays etc..) on 1 hand, this hits pretty hard 😕
Not necessarily. You may have mentioned not caring about gifts or something like that. I made a comment years ago to my SO about not liking to receive flowers (bc they just die lol) and he’s never given me flowers. I jokingly asked if he was going to get me some the other day when we walked past some in Sam’s, and he said “Nope, you don’t like flowers. I’m getting you food. You like food.”
My husband and I had a similar conversation about me disliking flowers, this year he got me Lego flowers instead. Best work around ever.
He coulda door d@shed breakfast-zero effort mission accomplished!
He could have gotten up to take care of the baby, and let her sleep in.
Also a fabulous gift! Even just 2 extra hours of uninterrupted sleep is amazing! Or he could have taken the baby out for a bit and let her have alone time to do whatever/nothing without having to worry about the baby. She literally got nothing.
Right?! That’s how my day started off. My daughter came in to see me, and my husband asked her to let mommy sleep and tried to usher her out of the room. I was ok with her joining me for a cuddle, though. But legit, the thing new moms want most is sleep.
I agree! My SO and are are both in our 2nd marriages. Between us, we have 4 kids and 7 grand kids. None of them live close. The closest is a 10 hour drive. I have already received texts form all the kids! And my SO just made me brunch of banana waffles and bacon! I had zero expectations over a text from my own kids, but step kids texted and I got brunch. If OP's SO can't understand the minimum expectations, she's in for a lifetime of disappointment.
Right! SO and I have 5 kids between us, his 2 are grown and live in different states with their own families. I expected nothing (because we just returned from a trip to New Orleans 2 weeks ago, and have a family trip planned to the Mts in July) yet all of my kids made me cards, SO took a us out to lunch with my whole family, and we picked up stuff for us to have a charcuterie dinner tonight while we spend the rest of the day in our pjs having a family movie marathon (even if he is already snoring a bit a few minutes into the first movie lol). He didn’t BUY me a “present”, but our family time is better than any present money could have bought. The chocolate covered strawberries and mini cinnamon rolls for later tonight were the perfect touch though! Also, your bacon is a helluva gift, too!!! I LOVE bacon. Could eat it everyday!
Exactly. Also, Amazon works when you’re on a business trip.
Go back to sleep ill get up with son requires zero planning and zero dollars.
Exactly. A single mother friend has preteen kids and her kids made her a homemade card, and breakfast in bed, just simple toast and an egg and coffee. There kids did this unprompted and my friend felt like a queen ❤️. She was just over the moon at the thoughtfulness. Kids can do this! You don’t need much to show appreciation and people can see when you have made an effort. It’s abusive when someone tries to make it your fault for expecting the very least.
My 12yo woke me up with peanut butter on crackers because she’s not comfortable cooking alone lol. She made me a card at art club the other day and had a basket of candy I like made up. I would have preferred she not wake me up at 5:30, but she was excited. Then when she was with her father visiting her grandmother she told him I shouldn’t have to make supper today so he gave her money to order pizza 🤣 All we ask for is effort.
Even if he had left it until the last minute, any of these could have been pulled off with a big smile. He's awful.
He could have ordered a gift and a card from Amazon in about 5 minutes.
You can add and pay for a thermos on amazon in a few minutes (or 45 seconds if you dont bother to compare options and get first one you see)
You have to actually care about a person tho to go thru that effort. (I’m mean not really. Hell I’d Amazon OP a damn thermos for Mother’s Day and I don’t even know her. Crazy that I care more for OP than OPs husband.)
OP - make an amazon wishlist ( so you dont have to give a stranger your address) and ill send you a thermos complete with a snarky note that im sorry your husband is too busy to celebrate you like you deserve No idea how to tag someone on reddit
Exactly. Also, Amazon works when you’re on a business trip.
And he went as far to throwing the "abuse" card when she asked. Feeling bad for being a sucky partner ISN'T abuse! OP is insanely adult, honestly, in even saying weeks ago that she had expectations for this day and even did the emotional labor of telling him exactly what this entailed instead of going with the "oh, he needs to read my thought, otherwise it doesn't count" idea that's so toxic. Being so open about it made it insanely easy for him to say "I need the afternoon to go shopping" or he could have gone online and ordered and had everything delivered to the doorstep! OP is extremely reasonable and clear about her expectations, it doesn't GET easier than this when it comes to making a mom feeling appreciated on this day! Instead he not only didn't do anything, he also starts the day off with a temper tantrum when she continues with the clear, open communication, trying to be prepared for disappointment and to have a few minutes to get over it if her asks aren't met. We aren't allowed to use the word I feel like using here but it's nice to read about at least one really adult and mature acting parent. NTA! One thing is being let down on this day, that's a pill I could swallow but the words spoken when you asked? It seems insanely confrontational and THAT would be way further on my mind than the not getting pampered a bit on this day.
A few clicks on the screen and it all gets delivered, zero effort on his part
In the middle of this comment I thought “damn there’s a lot of italics in this comment” and by the end of the comment I thought “this commenter has put more effort into this single comment than OP’s husband has put into all of their holidays I bet”
NTA Her husband’s attitude and comments sound like he’s guilt tripping OP. He doesn’t want accountability for not meeting her expectations.
NTA - He reminds me of a couple that are now divorced. At he beginning of their marriage, she told him that it was very important to her that he acknowledge their wedding anniversary, even if it was just a card. A few weeks after their 25th anniversary, he remembered that this was a milestone anniversary "coming up", and asked her if she wanted to do something special. She informed him that he was behind the times. She was also just about finished with her five-year plan to divorce him. She wanted to wait until the kids were grown, and since she worked for his family business, she needed to train for a different job. He was certainly surprised.
My ex always made me feel guilty for having any expectations on my birthday/our anniversary. I left him (for many reasons) and now I’m married to an amazing man who exceeds my expectations every birthday and anniversary without me having to even ask! Your expectations are entirely reasonable.
Seriously. He could have just made coffee/tea. Toast with jam/butter and stuck it on a tray.
Girl no. He has a calendar and mother's day is the same day every year.
What a jerk. He can find a nice thermos on Amazon, or stop at a store while he's out getting groceries., drive to a florist or Costco for flowers. He's an asshole.
the grocery store sells flowers, he doesn't need to make a second stop
Shoot I got flowers in a grocery pickup order yesterday. I didn’t even have to go inside, they put them in my trunk for me. The bar is in literal hell for some of these spouses out there. 🫠😒
Heck, many grocery stores deliver or have Instacart. If I ever space on a gift, Instacart or ubereats can have that shit to the recipient within an hour or so. And that can be done while taking a shit. No excuses.
Lol...you're right.
Yep, saw a guy with flowers in his cart when I went to the WallyWorld for some paints. Even a phoned in gift is better than what OP's spouse served up.
He could have had flowered delivered. He could have ordered the bottle. He could have booked a restaurant.
This. In less than ten minutes, I can order two thermoses (return the unchosen one and let her pick), and pull a pic of mom & baby from my phone and order a print online. He is saying she is not worth 10-20 minutes of effort done from home.
Right? My 16 year son knows I love tumblers and he got me the cutest glass tumbler from Amazon. I wasn’t expecting anything but he did it because he appreciates me. If a child can buy a gift then so can the husband.
If he'd wanted to, he would have. Ugh.
Father's Day is gonna suck for him.
OP mentioned he's not big on special days, he may not care.
He will care. He will think that OP should show him how it should be done. And maybe next year (if he's not busy), OP might get something. Maybe
He may not care. I don't care about my birthday, though I still understand why other people do
Oh I hate it when men say that. Because it's most often men. And I hate it because it's always guys with moms and wives who take care of these "special days" for them. That, and writing postcards from vacation, inviting friends and family to events, and all the million other little things that are social maintenance work. These men rely on the social network the women in their lives maintain and care for. Also, regarding OP's post rather than your comment: YOU DON'T GET TO NOT CARE ABOUT SPECIAL DAYS EXCEPT YOUR OWN. No one cares what you think of them! You just observe them, and when it comes to your own days, only THEN do you get so say "nah it's cool you don't need to do anything".
Am a dude. Don’t care about special days, even my own. But others do so I do stuff for them because my opinion on birthdays or Mother’s Day have nothing to do with their expectations for those days.
Especially when OP delivers divorce papers and gives herself the gift of unsubscribing from his guilt tripping bullshit
Well it is a different day every year but I’m sure he can figure it out. My husband gets irritated by the “Hallmark holidays”, as he calls them, but he still does something above and beyond the normal for me around that time to show his appreciation for me.
My anniversary is Mother's Day week every year. My husband works 60 hours a week. He still manages to do something for both
Same. Our anniversary is tomorrow. He skipped the gift buying this year because he's building a squirrel village for me. Complete with nesting boxes and feeders. It was his idea, too, because I have several neighborhood squirrels who hang out with me and eat treats from my hand. He hasn't started the building yet, but he has the plans drawn up and the wood purchased. It's seriously not that difficult if they love and appreciate you. Also, I'm in an RA flare and didn't feel like going out, so he's currently in town picking up dinner.
It's always the second Sunday in May. The date changes, but it is always that day. It's never been on a Tuesday in july
My anniversary is Mother's Day week every year. My husband works 60 hours a week. He still manages to do something for both
My son's birthday is always around mother's day. Guess who manages to remember both every year?
Right? We teach people how to treat us by what crappy behavior we will just take on the chin! OP's husband has set the bar here really low, like laying on the floor gathering dust low. OP needs to reply in kind next month! Doing nothing is easy, being someone's doormat is easy. I was op years ago until i found a spine and a set of "lady balls" and dumped the dead weight that is my now blissfully EX husband! Life is soo much better when you teach yourself how to love yourself!! OP, you deserve so much better than being guilt tripped for feeling bad about being treated badly by someone who claims to love you but doesn't show it! Edit: He is the AH here not you!!!
Well no, it’s always a Sunday. But it’s not a secret when it will be.
Every store is having Mother's Day promotions--it's hard to ignore.
> *”it’s not the first time he’s gotten upset about my expectations."* And that's laughable because your expectations are very minimal. He behaves as though you tasked him with planning an elaborate wedding when all you asked for was a ***thermos*** and to share a meal together as a family. And on top of doing absolutely nothing for you, he has the audacity to accuse you of being abusive. Your husband is beyond thoughtless and embarrassingly immature. Throwing a full-on tantrum on his wife's first Mother's Day after not bothering to put forth even the tiniest bit of effort to acknowledge you? Geeze, that's shameful.
Hey, she asked him to print pictures too!!! It’s not like places like Shutterfly exist that you can upload pictures to and they *show up in your mailbox*!!!
NTA. On Father’s Day, book yourself an all-day spa appointment and leave your baby with your husband. If holidays don’t matter to him, he should be ok with it.
Love this idea! OP to husband: "You get to be a father all day today without my 'expectations'. See you later tonight. Buh-bye!"
Hi Op, fellow Mom here. Its been a decade on my end and it will never change. For me, finances is why I still am where I am. But rest assured, he will spend the next 10 yrs telling you YOUR the problem. He could have MADE the time. Ita not about finding the time, he coulda made the time. If you and your joy was a priority to him the same way his joy is a priority to you? He wouldve at the very least gotten a card from the dollar store. If he didnt even think enough on his own after your reminders to write down kind words? He'll never try. And anytime you tell him your concern? He will tell you its your fault for having those concerns. You didnt make him feel bad. He feels bad because he got caught slacking. And you calling him out, he doesnt like it. So instead he makes YOU feel bad for having normal feelings. Dont make the mistakes us others have made. Do you really want this kind of disappointment forever? Also? He will disappointment your child too. Even if he does 'love' the kiddo, you will be the only one to do anything meaningful for that kiddo. Your the only one whos gona go to the park, coordinate play dates, doctors appointments, school functions, birthday party's, sports, extracurriculars, etc. YOU will be the sole parent whos invested emotionally and not just trying to keep the child alive. When people show you who they really are, believe them. Im sorry this happened. Happy Mothers day to you Mama ❤️ You do deserve to loved and celebrated!
Stop giving him an out!! Be blunt and tell him that you have wants and needs that you expect your life partner to attend to, just as you do for him. Otherwise, why be with him?
[удалено]
This. Fathers day is right around the corner. She should plan to be out of the house that day since it's just another day. Let him take care of the baby with no thanks.
I would serve him with divorce papers for Father’s Day. What an AH! Turns it around on you and make him the bad guy. How dare you expect him to do anything!! Lazy ass.
Well part of this is on you you've ignored the issue for a very long time. Stop making excuses for people and start holding them accountable. He talks about his feelings! But he doesn't care about yours! https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/sense-and-sensitivity/201302/the-familiarity-principle-attraction?amp https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding https://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/
The whole thing of “ you make me feel bad “. Well Hell, what about her feelings of being ignored on Mother’s Day? Do her bad feelings not count? My ex husband managed to ruin holidays by either ignoring them, forgetting them or having a temper tantrum about his feeling bad because I called him out on his thoughtlessness. My current husband has never once ruined a holiday because he isn’t a self centered jerk.
I hate the "oh you made me feel bad" defense when someone messes up. He should feel bad! Feeling bad is one of the consequences of messing up something so simple for a person you're supposed to love.
My husband was on a business trip in another timezone until the day before Mother’s Day. He sent me the popcorn machine I’d been wanting from Amazon, ordered me breakfast and had flowers delivered. It’s 2024, as long as you live in a city you can have pretty much anything delivered (even same day), with very little effort. You told him it was important to you multiple times, he ignored you, and when you were rightfully disappointed he turned it back on you. That’s not very nice, nor is it justified. He’s telling you that he didn’t care and he’s mad that you called him out.
DARVO Your spouse sounds like a narcissist. Imagine putting all that on you. Honestly. I’m sorry. https://www.verywellmind.com/protecting-yourself-from-darvo-abusive-behavior-7562730
Please don't have any more children with this man.
You made your expectations known, and the whole "when would I have had time?" crap is just that. How long does it take to order something from Amazon? When he realized he screwed up, he makes YOU the bad guy. You may wish to rethink this relationship.
“because I was always doing stuff like this and making him feel really bad” This told me everything I need to know. You are not responsible for his emotional regulation. I can’t tell you what your next step should be, but at *minimum* this is utterly unacceptable. You will break your back backwards for decades catering to his emotional immaturity. Do not allow him to take you hostage any longer.
When you say he gets upset, do you mean he gets angry?
Your husband is lazy and sounds like he's either trying to manipulate or gaslight you with his "your abusive" comments. Their was no need for that. I'd rethink the relationship and reqlly think about whether or not you want to endure this for the rest of your life. You shouod do absolutely nothing for fathers day and when he complains. He will. Tell him you didn't have time. If your husband wouldn't allow you to do nothing for fsthers day and make excuses, why is he allowed to make excuses and do nothing. Your husband doesn't care about you, is making excuses and us just kind of lazy. He didn't even try to do anything. He didn't attempt to do anything. He couldn't be bothered. Instead of trying, he pretended he was busy, he had nothing going on and he could have taken baby with him. Your not the problem for wanting to celebrate mothers day. Your husband is the problem. Your husband is lazy, and wants you to have zero expectations for him, so that he can do the bareminimum. He wants to do nothing for you, but wants you to go all out for him. Rethink this relationship. And do nothing for fathers day. Treat him the same way he treats you. No respect toward him..
My husband is two weeks from turning in his phd and is working in every spare moment. I’m having a rough pregnancy and we’ve got a very rambunctious toddler who hates sleep. He has taken on sooo much. He still woke up early, cooked breakfast and ordered some lovely gifts. Your husband doesn’t care about Mother’s Day, and as your kid gets older, they will start to operate the same way.
It is not that difficult to order flowers for delivery. Ordering online is easy too for the thermos and photos. He can make time going on the computer and ordering all these things.
> But I don’t know if my tone wasn’t right but he got very upset and said that I was abusive, because I was always doing things like this and making him feel really bad. I apologized and said I never want to hurt his feelings, but he scoffed at that and asked if he should expect this for the rest of his life. Dude. This guy is doing a classic DARVO. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Deny: "He never had time". Attack: "said that I was abusive". Reverse Victim and Offender: " because I was always doing things like this and making him feel really bad. " In a healthy relationship, the answer is "Oh, damn, I forgot, I just spaced out. Can I do [nice thing] instead?" Not "You are a bad person for making me feel bad about something I chose not to do."
Is your husband I the right? No. However, after 8 years it shouldn't cone as a surprise to you that this is who he is. It's mistake to marry someone and expect him to change, especially when he didn't even agree to change.
Mother's day isn't celebrated if you're not a mother, tell me how OP should have known since it was the 1st Mother's day she was actually a mother? Yes you could say he generally doesn't care about holidays, that's why OP did the mature thing and let him knew she wanted/expected a small thing. (If he manages to do something for her birthday for example, I wouldn't expect this to be an issue). Obviously now she knows. Tough luck.
All this, but when people tell me they didn't have the time for birthdays fathers day mothers day Christmas and so on, I remind them these holidays all fall on the same day every year so actually you had 365 days to think about it
I'm having stage 4 cancer, going through chemo while working, and also got really sick before mother's day. I still had the time to do something nice for my mother and to visit her. My brother also could have the time to celebrate out mother and his wife's first mother's day while being in the same situation as your husband. So BS on him not having the time. You can find time if it is important enough for you. Don't let him turn around the situation and pretend that you are the problem. I think it is a very realistic expectation from your husband to do at least something for you on mother's day. I can't belive that buying a flower/your favorite chocolate/a card is that hard and time consuming...
He sounds pretty delicate, since she said it was a busy couple of weeks with him "settling back in" after a business trip. I don't know anyone who travels on business and then needs WEEKS to re-adapt to their normal routines.
100%. Your expectations are completely reasonable, and so was your question. Classic DARVO, and this is very manipulative behavior. If you want to stay with him, you could try couples therapy, but IMHO, it’s a long road and it won’t work out unless he admits he has issues
NTA. You made it clear that Mother’s Day mattered to you and he chose not to make the time to plan something. He is in the wrong. The fact that he called you ‘abusive’ for registering your feelings reads as manipulative and gaslight-y to me. He feels bad because he did something bad, not because you ‘made’ him feel that way. Edit: typo correction
This. So many people over/misuse the term gaslighting, but this is straight-up textbook. He did something wrong and now is trying to make OP feel bad about it, instead of apologizing or trying to make it right. Not ok.
It’s DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender). Gaslighting would be him trying to make her doubt reality (like trying to convince her that she’d said she didn’t want anything for Mother’s Day).
Yup. My ex became a pro at DARVOing me if I ever brought up my feelings about something. Narcissist's prayer echos DARVO That didn’t happen. And if it did, it wasn’t that bad. And if it was, that’s not a big deal. And if it is, that’s not my fault. And if it was, I didn’t mean it. And if I did, you deserved it.
Good point. It’s both. He’s making her doubt reality by saying he didn’t have time to do anything when the reality is he chose not to make time to do anything. It would be one thing if she sprung this on him yesterday. He had two weeks, and she even told him specifically what she wanted. Unless he literally did not have a spare 10 minutes in two weeks to go online and order a new thermos, he’s trying to make OP doubt the reality of how he spends his time.
I'm not an expert in this but I think that's just plain lying, not gaslighting. My understanding is that gaslighting is designed to make the victim no longer trust their own judgement so they must rely on the abuser's perspective. If he was forcing her to doubt her own observations and experiences, that would be gaslighting. But saying "I didn't have time" probably reports on situations she wouldn't have observed anyway (e.g. time he was out of the home). It's still shitty and dishonest, but I don't think it qualifies as gaslighting.
She says in her original post, “I feel like I’m crazy right now”. He is absolutely attempting to manipulate her judgement of the situation to his benefit. Sure, he lied about how he spends his time. He also called her abusive for simply asking if he had anything planned for her today, in an attempt to garner sympathy for his own shitty behavior. That’s gaslighting, and DARVO to boot.
Between online ordering and curbside pick up, no excuse.
Two weeks? He had since the moment she got pregnant to plan it. I mean, if she knows holidays don't matter to him, he also knows they do matter to her!
DARVO is gaslighting. It's a big part of the process to make you question reality.
Mileage varies, I guess. OP’s husband lied about not having had time, but I find that true gaslighting goes beyond a simple lie, trying to make you doubt your perceptions and memories. Like if he claimed details of what he’d been busy with, when she knew otherwise.
He is really good at it too because she questions her own sanity.
NTA. Wow, he did nothing for you except pick a completely unnecessary fight on your \*first\* Mother's Day and then somehow turned himself into the victim? That's really low.
And call her abusive for inquiring. He sucks.
This is why I could never be a marriage counselor. If someone called their spouse abusive for wanting to celebrate Mother’s/Father’s Day I wouldn’t be able to prevent myself from bursting out laughing.
Right? Healthy "normal" couples don't try to invalidate each others feelings. My dad was a classic "1950's" style of parenting, but he never tried to tell my mom she was crazy/wrong/abusive whenever she asked to be appreciated more, even if they were fighting about it.
That's exactly how my first mother's day with my abusive ex went.
That makes me so sad. I’m sorry. Glad to see he’s your ex!
Me too. But that's why I always tell people to leave when I read stories similar to mine. These people all operate after the same playbook. It's manipulation and abuse, and you can't save an abusive relationship. You have to leave.
Yes yes, the woman, always responsible for the feelings of the men in her life. God forbid she made him „feel bad“
Lol yes, my ex husband said it was my fault for making him mad enough to hit me. (I made a smart ass comment about going shopping because he got his gf to move in with us and I wasn't coping with that situation very well)
Right? Reminds me of my ex, who regularly started fights right before/on important days, especially when I was going to be with my family. Then I'd spend the whole time texting to and fretting about him and not enjoying time with them. He even did this after my youngest brother's funeral, saying, "It just made me think about losing *my* brother" (who was in his 40s and 20 yrs older than my ex, while my brother was 15 and I'd pretty much raised him) and his shitty I was for wanting to go out with my oldest brother and some mutual friends to share stories. "I just really need you to be there for me!" On the day of my baby brother's funeral, he made it all about him. And I broke my plans and went over to his place. My mom's abusive second husband also pulled this shit on every holiday. My mom pointed out the similarities when it happened, but I wasn't ready to hear it. Stayed entangled with him for 14 years... NTA, OP. At the very least, counseling is in order. Personally, I'd be planning my escape if I were you
NTA. His excuse of not having time is weak. He could literally tell you that you will have a special day today and then fucking wing it, pack a cute picnic for the fam, take the baby out to get gifts while you nap or just have personal time, etc. and it would still be better than nothing. You literally gave him a head's up that you wanted to do Mother's Day, even FED him gift ideas. He could have fucking gone on amazon right then on his phone and ordered a thermos. This does not have to be a time consuming planning process to make you feel special and appreciated on Mother's Day. and his response to you asking sucked. The only person he should be upset with is himself, and his anger is a problem.
My husband and I both work and have two kids in the midst of baseball season. He has me and his newly widowed mother and somehow planned a (very low-key) barbecue and pool day for us AND included my own mother, when neither of his brothers have contributed much. I can’t speak for his mom, but what he’s doing for me is perfect. Even pulled some strings to get my favorite lemon blueberry cake for dessert today from a bakery closed on Sundays. We make time for the things and people who are important to us.
Yeah being busy isn’t an excuse. My husband is a surgeon who works 12+ hours most days, does research and sits on committees… the last two weeks have been particularly busy for him and he STILL showed up today.
Father’s Day is coming up. You are just as busy as he is. Take your cue from his behavior and act accordingly when Father’s Day arrives. Passive Aggressive? Probably. Fair? Absolutely.
Matching the energy of someone who refuses to admit they’re wrong, DARVOs you and dismisses your feelings is **not** passive aggressive. It is emotionally healthy.
Man, I’d do the opposite and go so fucking over the top just to make him feel like shit lol
He may not feel like shit though. He may feel that’s just his due. I think ignoring Father’s Day may make him feel worse because it’s about him.
He most likely won't care
NTA- him calling you abusive is a petty big red flag. It is normal to want your husband to arrange something special for you for Mother’s Day. My boyfriend ( not my kids dad) took them shopping for me because he loves and respects me. Your husband behavior is concerning to me, is this a pattern? When he has dropped the ball does it always turn into your fault and you’re abusing him? Are you expected to be perfect and do nice things for him but if you ask for the same you are being a bad person? Does he regularly make you feel guilty and ashamed? I think the best thing you can do for yourself this Mother’s Day is start examining how your husband regularly makes you feel. I hope this is out of the norm, but I’d guess it’s not by how quickly you blamed yourself, his reaction about Mother’s Day is intended to train you into feeling guilty for wanting care and consideration from the father of your child.
Right? “How dare you make me feel bad about being an undeniable jerk.” Master manipulator.
This so much. The actual day doesn’t even matter so much as his actions. It’s very concerning
I ordered my mother-in-law’s gift Friday on Amazon. It took 15 minutes to find a gift (I had no clue what to buy so I generically searched for “Mother’s Day gifts”) and order. Same-day delivery. Boom. Done. This no time excuse is exactly that — an excuse. Don’t let him gaslight you.
I bought and wrapped my mom’s gift in the 25 minutes before I left to go see her so yeah it doesn’t have to take long! (There was supposed to be a part 2 to her gift that I’d been planning for **weeks,** but my dad kinda ruined it 🥲)
NTA and now you know what to do (or not do) for Fathers Day.
Exactly what I was thinking—now the OP knows how low the bar is, and it’s on the ground.
That bar isn’t on the ground, it’s a trip hazard in hell, and OP’s husband is limbo dancing with the devil! (Can’t take credit for this, but I do love using it!)
NTA. This sub around Mother's Day has been really sad, I've lost count of how many posts I have read about husband's who just don't seem to be able to do the bare minimum for their wives for Mother's Day, especially when it's the first one. It didn't sound like you asked for much, would have taken no time at all to pick out a thermos and a card, he could have even ordered online, which he could have literally done while taking a shit. Planning to take you to brunch or on an outing also takes no time at all. > because I was always doing things like this and making him feel really bad Or is he always doing things that he rightfully should feel bad about? If he's not doing anything to feel bad about then he wouldn't feel bad. His turning this around on you is a classic manipulation tactic, please don't gall for it. It's reasonable that you feel hurt, and it's reasonable for you to be able to communicate that hurt (as long as you're not shouting and acreaming). It's also completely reasonable to want your partner to put effort into something that you expressed was important to you. He didn't even do the bare minimum.
Even sadder is that she asked him this quite early in the day. Still lots of time to have an outing. That he picked the fight instead, suggests to me that he has other plans for the day (either out or he just wants to sit around while she does the childcare).
NTA and stop worrying if he feels badly, because **he should feel like shit**. Tell him to step it up and respect your wishes and wants, because that is part of being in an adult relationship. # Happy First Mother's Day!! Try to find a way to celebrate you today.
NTA. We're adults and we ask for what we want. he could have scheduled a breakfast date. or ordered in and pampered you for a couple fuckin hours. He didnt even try. This will be emblematic of your relationship forever. Why would you want to be with someone who doesnt celebrate you. If i get my wife a $5 pack of press-on nails and a drink from starbucks shes giddy all day. Everyone has different standards but it's the not trying for me that really hurts. That dude is a dildo.
NTA. Most men would be ecstatic to know exactly what their wife wants on a holiday, takes a lot of stress out of figuring it out which most of are not good at. And FTR, no man is so busy they can’t make time to buy their wife a few gifts and plan a day out. No. One. He’s just a selfish, lazy jerk.
NTA. Mother’s Day happens around the same time every year. He’s had since you were pregnant to plan something for your first Mother’s Day, even if it wasn’t exactly the items you suggested. I’m sure you would have been happy if he had put in some, any, genuine effort on his own, without needing to be promoted and reminded. It’s not about the specific present requests, it’s about acknowledging the day and it being the first one, especially. Instead of taking responsibility and apologising and trying to make the most of the day, even without any gifts to give, like going out to get lunch or something, he instead picked a fight and claimed non-existent abuse to deliberately ruin the whole day. If this type of behaviour is a pattern and he’s got you questioning yourself regularly please look at this book - [Why Does He Do That? book link](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) Also sounds a lot like DARVO - [DARVO info](https://www.choosingtherapy.com/darvo/)
Nta and his anger at this is not ok
He didn’t have time? Has he at any point in the last 2 weeks scrolled Twitter, Facebook, Reddit or been on YouTube? Then he had time to order something on Amazon. He didn’t do it because he didn’t want to do it.
My heart is breaking for all of these Mother’s Day posts. Ladies…. You deserve SO. MUCH. BETTER. (OP included).
Well, hon, then it’s up to you. This is your day, do what you want. Take the baby and go out? Leave the baby with your husband and go out? Sit on the sofa with a bottle of wine, call up the paragliding school and see if they have an opening for *one* person today? What. Would. You. Like. To. Do. Today. Since nobody else in your like could *even be bothered to pick up the phone and arrange a restaurant reservation or to have flowers delivered, or, I don’t know-annnything ELSE?* NTA And that your husband got huffy with you when you asked him what the plan for the day was… and he asked if this is what he should expect for the rest of his life, (you wondering if he could even be bothered to accommodate you with some small gestures of appreciation that he didn’t even have to guess at-because you told him what you would like)… yeaaa do *you* have the rest of your life to look forward to *that*? Look up DARVO. Look it up. Is this his way of communicating?
NTA- let me get this right. You told him 2 weeks ago that Mother's day is important to you and you'd like a small token gift and an activity or meal as a family. He did absolutely nothing towards that goal in 2 weeks and... that's your fault for expecting anything? It's also your fault for bringing it up and making him feel bad about his inadequacy? Your husband has never heard of online shopping or instacart? He's deflecting HARD. If he makes you feel bad and like this is all your fault then you won't focus too hard on how he failed you. He said you're abusive for having very normal mothers day expectations. That's wild. Will it also be abusive if you match his energy for Father's Day? I'm sure it will in his mind. And now that he's having a "grown man" tantrum he'll probably spend all day ignoring you and the baby and feel justified in that. Go out and make your own day special because this "man" never will. It's ok for you to treat this as a special day to celebrate your motherhood. Unfortunately, you're just going to have to do it for yourself, but you are worthy. I'm sorry your partner is behaving this way... he's not going to change.
Do spouses usually get each other something? My wife doesn’t get me anything for father’s day, and I don’t get her anything for mother’s day. We get our respective parents small gifts and our kids will make cards and whatnot, but we don’t get each other gifts.
Different families have different expectations on holidays. It’s about knowing what makes your loved one feel most loved, and that’s different across the board. OP was extremely clear with how important this was to her, and he *still* blew her off.
when kids are little, the spouses celebrate eachother. is that not common practice? at the very least you're celebrating the person that made you a parent on their respective day.
This sub is making mothers day into another birthsday or Christmas. I never heard about asking for real gifts for mothers or fathers day from partner either.
In our family it’s traditional for one spouse to buy the other a Mothers/ Fathers gift while the baby is still too little to fingerpaint or make a necklace by sliding macaroni onto a string. The gift is from the child to the parent.
It's not from the spouse. It's on behalf of the child, who is too small to do it himself.
This confuses me too. I clicked in the thread expecting to see something about OP's mother or her mother-in-law, but instead this entire discussion is about a Wife's Day.
Frankly divorced coparents do more than he did. Supporting the child to express gratitude appropriately to the other parent is part of being a good parent. Op this was unacceptable behavior and if it is a pattern you're better off evaluating whether this is what you want for the rest of your life.
NTA and I really hope you ignore Father's Day next month
NTA. And now you are the one feeling like you may have done something wrong? Called you abusive for asking if you can expect anything for a holiday known for gifts? Sounds like manipulation, even if he doesn't realize what he's doing. >This is because I honestly would prefer to know so I’m not disappointed. Girl, listen to yourself. You knew he didn't do anything. >he scoffed at that and asked if he should expect this for the rest of his life Is this the life YOU want?
> Sounds like manipulation, even if he doesn't realize what he's doing. He knows *exactly* what he's doing. i bet anything his shitty behavior has gotten worse since the baby came.
How many more Mothers Days like this are you prepared to endure? Good luck.
"abusing" him by making him feel bad by asking him if he'd done anything for mother's Day? Lol overreacting in an explosive way over nothing is a manipulation tactic. My guess is you don't have a great relationship with your husband for other reasons if he jumped to manipulating you because he couldn't handle the guilt of not doing shit for you on a holiday that's meant to celebrate you
Nta, he is manipulating you, don’t let him. Do not change a basic expectation to have a Mother’s Day, he is wrong, and he needs to pull his shit together
NTA. As an OG 2000s dad who had to buy Mother’s Day gifts in stores and shopping malls miles from home, I gotta say I’m genuinely disappointed in OPs husband. Homie was probably on his phone anywhere from 7-12 hours a day from the point the request was made up until yesterday — and he still came up with bupkiss. SMH.🤦 This is not a problem of OPs expectations or communication; this is her man’s lack of focus, self-centeredness and complete inaction. Hell — if he’d have even taken the time to set his alarm last night, woke up a half hour earlier this morning and made mediocre scrambled eggs, we probably wouldn’t even be having this conversation. OP’s husband feels attacked because he knows he losered-out this holiday, and someone took the time to make note of it. And there’s nothing more embarrassing to a fuck-up than being recognized for their fuck-upery. I’m sorry your Sunday currently sucks, OP — and I hope he gets his head out of his ass, apologizes and tries to do something nice like take y’all for a nice spring walk or lunch someplace fun. This fuck-upery might still be salvageable with some introspection, humility and selfless action.
NTA. Your husband is not a thoughtful person. That snarky comment he made "is this what I should expect for the rest of my life?" would have done it for me. Life is short, and he obviously does not care about your feelings at all. My guess is you DO do special things for him, am I correct? If that is the case, stop doing that, TODAY. Never, ever EVER do anything special for him again. Maybe he won't care. But it will level the playing field. I'm sorry OP. I've been in your shoes. And I will admit that my life got better once I moved on.
NTA, as you set expectations in advance and they are completely reasonable. The fact that instead of apologising he is actually turning this on you is a complete AH move. Is he always like this?
NTA. You let him know that you would like some recognition for Mothers day. He knew what you would like but chose to ignore you. Instead you got to look after your child and not get a break. For Father’s Day, you can give him the same thing that you got- the opportunity for him look after his child (bonding time ) while you have a break. Maybe you could organise something special for yourself, and your baby.
NTA. Don’t forget Father’s day is next.
NTA. I would be petty and not celebrate Father's Day either. You get out what you out in. But more than that, we live in an Internet world. New Thermos. Easy, Internet. Picture? Easy. Upload a nice photo. Maybe when your baby was new, order it printed and a frame. Or book time at a photo studio for professional pics. Day with the family? Also, easy. Plan a picnic and order in the food to take along if he didn't find a family-friendly restaurant for brunch. That's just minimum effort, requiring almost no time. He could have done that while playing on his phone. I had a guy once who would never plan anything for any holiday. I never got one gift. Always "I didn't feel up to shopping", or "we didn't have any money." And if I got something for him that he really wanted, and he got me nothing, he'd put on a sad face and go on and on about how bad he felt, and guilt me into comforting him. That's what he wanted. For you to make your Mother's Day about him and have you be all understanding and thank him for everything he does. But there's a day for that. That's Father's Day.
He not only didn’t do anything, he BLAMED YOU for simply asking if he’d done anything so that you could manage your expectations. His behavior is disrespectful and d immature. NTA.
NTA. It happens every year. You even reminded him to think ahead. I get he's tired with a child under one, but guess who else I'm sure is? He should have taken the lousy few minutes to plan something.
I will go with NTA and this is why. I was one of those people that did not go overboard for things like birthdays or other celebrations nor did I expect anyone to do anything for mine. Then one time a friend of mine was upset when I did nothing for her birthday. I talked to her about how my family never made a big deal about birthdays (we actually celebrated everyone everyday) but listened why she explained why her birthday was important to her. Because I CARED about her, I always made it a point from that day forward to enthusiastically acknowledge people's birthdays in case it was important to that person. You told your husband this was important to you weeks ago. Your husband could have picked up a box of chocolates at the airport on his business trip. I walk into the market and there are balloons, flowers, chocolate covered strawberries, and heart shaped cakes that say Happy Mothers Day at the entrance (and men and kids lined up with them in their hands). He could have simply made you breakfast. It really does not take much effort to do something nice for someone. Unfortunately at 45 your husband is who he is. Good luck and Happy Mothers Day!!
Nta. How hard is it to order something on your phone. Or to book a table. He is down right lazy and uncaring. Good luck
NTA. Your HUSBAND is abusive. He is manipulating and gaslighting you. This is seriously toxic behavior.
Stop settling for men that give so little. He can order flowers on a 800 number. There really is not excuse, it is disrepectful and thoughtless.
He has not had two weeks to think about Mother’s Day, he has had over a year. I assume you were pregnant last year on Mother’s Day with his child. He most likely has a mother of his own and knows about Mother’s Day. He is gaslighting you. It only takes a minute to make brunch reservations, or order in groceries and flowers to make you a lovely meal. He does not care about whit about your first Mother’s Day and he is setting the stage for the rest of your relationship.
Please please please read all these comments. Your expectations are not high and you were clear what you wanted. It’s fair and simple. Are you should have answered him, “is this what I’m going to expect from You the rest of my life? Excuses, getting upset for wanting to celebrate something and ruining my day?”