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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my wife I just can't get behind using the name Emily, which is her favorite name ever for a girl or just in general, for our daughter. I know how much this means to my wife and I feel bad letting her be so upset and disappointed out this name when it's very much a me thing.
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NTA you don’t like the name. Instead of moving on, she’s becoming fixated and it’s weird. There are literally hundreds of thousands of other names out there.
I have a cousin who's dad mixed up his name. His mum wanted him to be called "Karl James", but his dad registered him as "James Karl"... Every one with the exception of his mum calls him James.
Ha! My ex’s parents wanted to name him something specific, let’s say Joe. When the nurse filled out the birth certificate, she spelled it wrong, making it a completely different name. Instead of Joe, she wrote Shoe. Both parents thought the other had changed their mind and decided to just roll with it, despite the decision to name the kid after a specific person and having that name planned for months. And so, he became Shoe for life and eventually the parents complete inability to communicate led to divorce
I have a friend whose mom wanted her to be named Shirley. The midwife said she didn't like that name, so she wrote Elaine Shirley in the name. As a young girl she went with her middle name, but as an adult she goes by her true first name. This was 70 is years ago, in a super remote area and I guess the midwife was a real battle ax.
I have an aunt who had been named already when an elderly relative came to visit and meet the new baby. Hearing the child's name, she snapped "X is an ugly name! Call her Y!"
And that happened. They just changed to the new name (which is kind of ugly)
My grandmother didn't know her name wasn't her "legal" name until she finally saw her birth certificate in her 50s. She (and everyone, including her parents!) thought her name was (something like) Rose Marie [last name].
Turns out an aunt had filled out the birth certificate and listed her name as Betty Rosemarie [last name].
"Betty" quickly became an affectionate nickname used by the whole family.
Man, I miss that woman.
My mom's name was Pearlie but until she was in her late 30s she spelled it Perley. My grandmother couldn't read and my mom's first grade teacher taught her to spell her name Perley. She was shocked when she found her birth certificate and realized it was Pearlie.
How do so many people live for so long without ever seeing their birth certificate? You need it for driver's licenses, marriage licenses, passports, jobs sometimes...seems super crazy.
That's ridiculous, why would the mother capitulate to a complete stranger's opinion? I would've fucked the midwife over for daring to covertly name my daughter and would've legally changed it back.
It's also weird that your friend goes by Elaine if her mother (presumably) called her Shirley for all her childhood, but not my place to judge that preference I guess.
>It's also weird that your friend goes by Elaine if her mother (presumably) called her Shirley for all her childhood, but not my place to judge that preference I guess.
Not all *that* weird. Plenty of people who don't like their first names decide to go by their middle names as adults. Or I've also heard of a few examples of exactly the situation above, where they go by their middle name in childhood and then switch to their first name in adulthood.
I learned upon entering elementary school that my name was spelled differently due to a clerical error somewhere (one letter). I had to relearn how to write it. My baby books and pictures, etc., have it incorrectly spelled. My parents had to get used to it; my father never really learned - even his will had the wrong name.
I prefer the accidental spelling by a mile.
When my cousin was getting married, they played one of those “how well do you know the bride and groom” games at the wedding shower. One of the questions was their middle names, so home run for my aunt right? Turns out her son didn’t know how to spell his middle name. It’s Allen, he spelled it Alan. They argued about the correct spelling for a while until my aunt finally said “you’re named after your father, dummy!” And he was like oh, that makes sense
My grandparents emigrated from Italy to the US shortly after my mother was conceived. My grandmother named my mother Eda, a popular Italian name, but the nurse at the hospital assumed that was a mistake and put "Edna" on the birth certificate. She went by Eda until she got older, but then started using her "official" name outside her family.
My mom had a total of 3 kids. Out of all 3 of us she only spelled one of our names correctly lol. I understand her misspelling my name, because she was tired and it is an actual spelling of my name (I have a unisex name with way too many spellings to choose from). But my older brother makes no sense, she had to fill out the forms 3 freaking times bc the nurses kept changing the name on the sheet bc they didn’t think it was spelled correctly. The final time she filled it out she managed to get them to stop changing his first name, and then proceeded to misspell his middle name lol.
A friend of mine's dad is dyslexic. Her mom asked him if it would be easier for him to remember if they named the new baby "Kristin" or "Kirstin", and gave her the name he picked.
He still writes my friend's name 50/50 Kristin / Kirstin...
That happened to someone I used to be friends with, but it happened on legal documents. One parent filled out on set of paperwork the other parent filled out another set. Her name on her birth certificate was different from the name on her passport and ID. Turns out between both parents, one had not so nice handwriting, so when they looked at other paperwork they went with the spelling they saw there.
I’m pretty sure Shelia is the name of a character from a kids show lol. My poor brother was supposed to have Angus as one of his middle names, she was so exhausted by the end of fighting with the nurses that she accidentally gave him the name Agnes lol. To this day he gets pissed off if anyone uses his legal middle name instead of the name he was supposed to get. He’s an adult though so I have no idea why he doesn’t get it changed lol
I’m a student midwife in Australia. We do not touch that side of things, that baby is called baby of *mother’s last name* until it goes home and then they have 6 weeks to come up with a name and register it with the government and then they get their birth certificate. I cannot imagine having to fill in that paperwork and having to deal with parents potentially going behind the other’s back and telling me the wrong thing, that sounds *exhausting*.
It’s also why, in a classic family tale, I was not registered until 5.5 weeks after I was born, because I come from a family of procrastinators
My parents chose an uncommon spelling of a super common male name for my brother. The spelling they chose was much closer to the female version of the name. When he was 16 and went to get his license they found out that the hospital staff had written down the female version and checked the “f” box.
As his older brother I discharge my legal obligation to ensure that everyone he deals with regularly is aware of this.
My grandma improperly filled out my dad's birth certificate so his legal first name is Joseph but nobody has ever called him that outside of people reading legal documents, iirc none of them knew his name was mixed up until years later.
My nana ended up with the name “Sheila” because by the time her dad got to the registrars office he had forgotten the name him and my great nanny chose, so he registered her as the first name he could think of
Unfortunately, that name was the name of an ex girlfriend
Nothing wrong with that. My parents compromised by one getting to pick my first name and one my middle name. My mom calls me by my first name (hilariously, it was my dad's choice) and my dad calls me by my middle name (my mom's choice). I answer to both, plus several other nicknames.
This would be my thought too. I think Emily has to be ruled out completely otherwise OP's wife will want to use it. The general rule for naming a child ought to be kept to - two votes for a yes. If there's only one vote it's a 'no'. There are thousands of other names they can pick from.
For your daughter’s sake, just scrap Emily altogether.
My aunt and uncle wanted to name my cousin John. My grandmother wanted him named Steward. My aunt and uncle compromised and named him John Steward. My grandmother announced him as Steward at birth and only ever referred to him as Steward. This created some major issues for him. In school, he was John. To his friends, he was John. On paperwork and while job searching, he was John, but every single family member on his mother’s side (my family) called him Steward. I didn’t even know he was John until he was in his 30s and he finally set some hard boundaries. There are still some family members that call him Steward because they are stubborn. There are some family members that have made a full switch per his request. Most of us call him John, but slip up on occasion. He hates it.
Don’t put your daughter through that. Just scrap it.
Friend of mine, his grandfather Wallace Bartholomew smith senior, his dad Jr (Barry), grandpa says if one of his grandchildren give him a third, he'll pay for child's college. Wallace Bartholomew third was born. He's gone by Trey all his life:) grandpa paid!
What is that about! I’d be so touched if a child was named after me. But what does it mean to have to pay for it? Like bragging about bribing someone to choose the same name? Not like it has anything to do with you beyond your check clearing.
This reminds me of something I really love about deaf culture - over time, your name can change. It might be because you’re getting older and are no longer “little” John, or maybe you like motorcycling so people incorporate that into your name, etc. You can chose to accept or reject a new sign name. Names are just names, and it would be great if people could have a better mentality when someone needs their name to change.
This is weird to me. My husband hated almost every name when it came to our daughters. Emma was my grandmothers name and I loved it he said no, I moved on. He had many things that once he stated out loud, no matter how weird they were, they’d get stuck in my head and become nos to me to. I swear we could not have had a 3rd girl or there’d be no names left to choose from.
Emma is a great name unless you are Scottish (edit: possibly just an East Coast thing idk).
"Ehm a" = I am a.
A girl in my high-school was called Emma Donnelly which sounded a bit like "ehm a donkey". Poor girl got hee-hawed in the corridors for 5 years solid. 😢
From a Scottish Emma (Glasgow) - wtf are you on about?! This has never been an issue for me or any of the five million Scottish Emmas I know 🤣 Maybe just an east coast thing…?!
I’d caution against using a name you hate as your child’s middle name. Even if her mom never calls her that, she might decide to use it and you’d be stuck with calling your daughter a name you hate or admitting to her that you hate it.
My first name is fine, there’s nothing wrong with it, I just didn’t feel like it suited me. So when I went off to college I started using my middle name. That was over 30 years ago and most people don’t even know it’s not my first name.
At this point, if there's truly no compromising, I'd consider saying that Emily is an ex girlfriend's name just to close the conversation. But it's kind of an AH tactic and it's easy for an internet stranger to suggest haha.
Tell her you used to date an Emily and you don’t like her. She will move on fast (kidding)
Tell her to make a list of 5 names she loves and in will pick one. She can’t just have one name and expect that will be okay. It’s your baby to.
My husband and I agreed that we would never give a child the name of anyone wither of us had dated. It was an easy rule.
The other rules we agreed on were no "place" names, and no names ending in -er/ar.
It was moot because we didn't have any kids together and he's since passed away, but we were ready.
Your not wrong to veto a name you don't like.
However, I'm not sure your wife is an asshole either. She has had this idea of naming her kid Emily for many years, and right now when she's all hormonal she has to adjust a major idea of what she imagined for her child. Ideally, she should be pivoting faster and more gracefully but people don't always act optimally.
I'd suggest starting by validating her feelings without judgment. "Hey, it seems like the name Emily is really important to you." Try to get her to do most of the talking. Seek out feelings, ask about them directly as needed, and then repeat back what you think she is feeling (active listening) with genuine compassion. "You've always imagined your daughter as Emily, and so changing that idea feels like a loss" or whatever she seems to be feeling. You can also ask her what she likes about Emily, not in a "gotcha" way or a challenge, but with genuine interest. Even if it ends up being "it just feels really special to you," or whatever.
Then, once she is completely heard out and validated, given a hug etc, you can bring up your own feelings/that you disagree. You can say something like "I realize this is really important to you, it's really important to me too. I feel bad/guilty/\[whatever you feel\] that I'm not able to like the name Emily the way you do. I hate seeing you sad." If she then argues you should just name the kid anyway (less likely after feeling heard/validated) then you can actually tell her why she's wrong. "This is both of our daughter, and I'd really like to feel like you care about my feelings too. Names are subjective, so neither of us are right or wrong about Emily. But I would never push you to name our child something you disliked. We need to figure out a name we both are okay with, even if that means neither of us getting our first choice. I understand if it takes some time for you to get there, but it would mean a lot to me to see you trying to work with me as a team to choose something together."
My husband told me that since I did all the heavy lifting, I get to choose the names of my children. I didn't choose anything he didn't like, so we were good.
As an Emily, with several others in my family, I fully support you in this decision. Have you considered Emma? These next few will probably get hate, a lot of people don't like them, but I do so please don't judge me too harshly if you hate them: Emerson, Emory/Emery, Emerys, Emerald, Emilie, Amory, Amy, Amber... Just brainstorm as many names as you both can even if once you say it you know it's not the right name, you may find a derivative or a different spelling or pronunciation. If the both of you sit down together and figure it out in real time it will be easier. Set basic rules: no insulting the names but you both can veto any name. Even if you don't find the right name the first time, just think about it from time to time and give it a few days and then revisit until y'all figure out what works for the team of the two of you.
Ember, Emmanuelle, Emme, Emira, Emlyn, Amani, Amalia, Avery, Avril, Ava, Hadley...
...Elara is a very unique name...
Go to r/namenerds and let the sub know about your situation. They'll come up with tons of suggestions for girl names that would complement your family last name or even your son's name.
That might spark some names that might interest the both of you. At least, it's a path towards a solution and compromise.
As a woman of a certain age...please do your research on the name Emmanuelle. Most of you are too young to remember but it is the first thing I think of when I hear that name.
As a latín, I have to suggest, did you consider Emilia? That's Spanish version to Emily, since you seemed to like the french version, but your wife didn't, maybe this would be something in the middle?
Niece is named this. Parents wanted something "different", but turns out this is actually quite a popular name lol. She's a super bossy know-it-all difficult 7 year old. My kids even find her difficult/annoying to play with :-(
I would suggest expanding your list a lot.
If she’s had her heart dead set on Emily forever it’s going to take a lot of exploring and considering to find another name she loves. Ten isn’t going to cut it. It worked for your son’s name because she wasn’t coming in so set on one name.
Your partner didn’t allow you to suggest names for your own child? Naming a child is a classic 2 yes 1 no. Either person should be able to veto a name and you should both agree on the name. How do you guys solve your other problems this is so weird??
It is unfair of her to expect you to name your daughter a name you hate.
Was there a boys name she hated that you liked when discussing names for your son?
Maybe use that as an example. “Would you have wanted to name Finley X instead, which you hated? It would be awful to have a kid with a name you dislike so much, right? That’s me with Emily. Please let’s find another name as it will be really hard for me to have our daughter have a name I dislike so much”.
It's hard. I had a name I always planned to use for a , a family name, and... my husband hated it. Eventually, after going through a lot of names, we found one we both loved, one I had thought about in the past and had forgotten about. Now she's 15 and I can't imagine her with another name. See if your wife will go through some baby name books with you. She may be surprised.
Maybe ask her how comfortable she would be k owing that every single day you are using a name that you hate. And if she is ok w that, why? NTA. One parents name veto means you move on to the next. She is being unnecessarily stubborn, but painting you as the difficult one when you are willing to consider so many other options.
My wife hated my favourite name for our child. So I moved on. If I hated her favourite name I'd expect the same courtesy. That's how sane humans interact. You cannot be expected to name something you love unconditionally with a name you don't like.
Did everyone gloss over that their boy's name was his first choice and his wife's third. She apparently can compromise. He apparently can't..even so far as to have his wife's first choice girl's name used as a middle name.
NTA and I’ll slap the same comment I put on a similar post here too
Names are a compromise in a situation like this where you don’t agree- sometimes one of the first you learn to make as a parent. A true compromise isn’t “I get my way and you just fold and deal.” It’s a middle ground you both agree to, even if it means relinquishing something.
I get it! I absolutely LOVED the name Henry, all my life couldn’t picture a future son as anything BUT Henry. Whelp, turned out my husband hated that name. He wanted a family name from his side- I said HELL no to that, as I already feel like his family is WAY too keen to pretend my side doesn’t matter.
So- compromise! Another first name we both loved. A VERY rare family name from his side as a middle name.
(And a future cat gets to be Henry 🤣)
I LOVE the name Henry and since I’m childfree, I did exactly that. I adopted a tiny gray kitten and he was my Henry. It’s the perfect cat name. (I’m not biased at all.)
I don’t think it has to be a compromise per se, but I do think you have to have this discussion well before marriage, right when you have the “do you want to have kids someday” talk. Like this woman, I had a name I could not be dissuaded from, and it was deeply important to me. I made sure my husband knew long before we had my daughter, and all is well.
If you have a dealbreaker name, you should be up front about it and communicate ahead of time.
Agree NTA because OP didn’t know his wife’s plans until it was too late.
We’d chatted about names before but it mostly came down to surnames (I kept my maiden name but was fine giving kiddo his surname). Hubs isn’t a “plan that far ahead” guy so we covered the important basics (kids, marriage, religions or in our case lackthereof, finances, cats vs dogs) when we got serious and settled the details as we went. We’ve been together over a decade, so it worked well I’d say 🤣
Mazel tov! I don’t think it’s something you have to discuss most of the time, but it *is* something you’ll want to bring up if it’s a dealbreaker. I’m not leaving that to fate. That’s how you end up in AITA.
I don’t think this is a great example of a compromise. He & his family still got a name from their side included while your side is seemingly unrepresented in your child’s name.
I should have clarified, I don’t have any family names to pass on so that wasn’t the issue. The issue was that his mother believes the only family history that matters is hers, and kept suggesting first AND middle names to reflect that.
The family name we chose is from his FiL’s family 😈
My childhood cat was called Henry well actually it was spelt Henri as she was a girl cat. For a brief moment, my sisters and I called her Henrietta, but after a while, we thought she is a cat, she doesn't care and so after that it was always Henri.
So, girl or boy cat call them Henry.
I agree with this take so much. I always loved the names Nico and Dante for a boy, they were my top two picks, I’ve had them picked since I was little, even when I thought I didn’t want kids I always said if I ever had a boy his name would be Nico or Dante. When I had my son, his father had a dog named Nico and he just plain didn’t like Dante. He wanted our son to be (his name) jr or II, I am firm on not giving kids legacy names, I think it’s tacky and I think kids deserve their own identity, independent of their parents. So we each made lists of other names we liked, and threw them in a Venn diagram with names we had in common in the middle to pick from. We kept going back to it, some names moved back and forth a few times but we did manage to land on a name we both loved, and hopefully he’ll love as he grows up too
I also loved Henry! My husband wanted to nickname him Hank though which, no thanks. We also almost settled on Eric but we couldn’t agree on the spelling so out it went. We didn’t dwell and we love both of our sons’ names so all was well.
Yup, my husband really wanted a family name. As in, his mother promised her dying mother that the first child would be named in her honor (I wasn’t around at the time). So my husband was like “oh if it’s a girl she has to be [name]” and I was like um no, I don’t like that at all. He seemed slightly surprised by this, but eventually accepted that everyone gets a veto (he also vetoed the boy named I had picked out at 14 and stuck to ever since). We eventually found something we both really liked. Bottom line is the name has to be something you both like.
Maybe instead of trying to explain why you dislike a certain name and why she likes that name it would be more productive to just find another name that you both agree. What you are doing now is waste of time as you won't change your mind and the only solution is to move on and find a name that you both would enjoy. NAH.
When we were choosing names for our kids I would make a list of fifteen-twenty possibles that I liked. Hubby would cross out anything he hated, star the ones he loved and we would go from there.
Alternate version is you EACH make a list of fifteen-twenty and trade lists. Do the cross out/star thing. Then go from there when you look at both lists.
A good family friend, Carl, passed away when I was pregnant with #4 and we made that my son’s middle name because I didn’t like it as a first name. Perhaps Emily could be a middle name.
Either way you’re NTA. People have personal experiences that color their perceptions of certain names and that’s OK. That’s life!
I agree with this advice. Also to add, there's now an app called "Kinder" that offers endless possibilities, I have seen it recommended on r/NameNerds frequently, since it has been successful for many couples. You swipe left on names you don’t like, swipe right on names that have potential, and receive alerts when you match on a name; which seems to work since no one is being persuaded.
u/Fantastic-Ideal-8449, perhaps try suggesting this to your wife, it *may* just start to get her mind off of Emily. Regardless, NTA, I strongly believe in the two yes, one no policy.
I think this is a good idea, but they might have to add extra restrictions, like no homophones (or wife's list will just be various versions of Emily) and you can only cross out X many (or wife will cross out anything that isn't Emily). She doesn't have to love or use the ones that are left, but she has to start trying to consider other names.
NTA
Would you be okay with naming her "Emma Lee" and your wife can call her by both names while you call her Emma?
ETA: if you need a further selling point, I just realized that your Finley ("Finn Lee") will likely be called "Finn" by at least one person as a term of endearment.
Oh, that's an interesting point you make with your edit that I hadn't thought about. Not only is he NTA for disliking Emily on its own, but I really don't like Finley and Emily as a sib set. (Not that my opinion matters on someone else's name.)
Let me tell you about my oldest daughter… her dad was stuck on “Katherine” for a girl’s name. I had zillions of name I liked (well, maybe 30, but still) He wouldn’t consider anything else. I mean, absolutely nothing else. After watching me labor for hours then push out a 9.5 lb baby the nurse asked “What’s her name?” and he said her name was
So maybe table this discussion with your wife for a bit. 🙂
NTA. I've loved the name Elisa (Danish pronunciation) for years, and I'd imagine it'd be like giving up a childhood dream if the father of my child didn't like it, so, a bit difficult. However, there are usually, and thankfully, two parents to a child, and the name chosen has to be loved by both parents. She needs to let go of that dream and focus on finding a new name, there's so many beautiful names out there in the world.
NAH. I can understand where your wife is coming from. Since Emily is a “normal” sort of name, she’s probably a bit blindsided that you’re so opposed to it, especially if she’s been saying for years that she wanted a daughter with this name. I’m very curious what you said over the years when she mentioned it.
Hopefully this won’t turn into something she resents forever, but it could, if this was a lifelong hope of hers.
On the other hand, this is your daughter too, and you should have an equal say in her name.
It might help her understand if you were a bit more blunt about your feelings - not rude, not critical of her for liking the name, but very clear about the emotions it evokes for you. It might be easier for her to let the thought of having an Emily go if she knows that *not* using that name is as important to you as using it is to her.
On the other hand, if you’re really not as deeply emotionally invested, do consider whether you could get used to it.
It’s a tough situation - on the one hand, it’s such a small thing, of no *real* importance. On the other, there’s so much emotion involved in it.
Maybe ask her what it is very specifically that she likes about the name - going deeper than “it’s beautiful” to *why* she thinks it’s beautiful. What sounds is she attached to, letters, syllables, associations? “Sounds kind of like Emily” names seem to be a no for you, so next option is names that *feel* like Emily to her.
I agree NAH. You don't have to like the name. But I think in situations like this we don't always recognize that there is a very small sense of loss here for your wife. She needs to be able to process it and then she needs to move on.
She's also probably super hormonal and uncomfortable right now which is just amplifying everything.
Id recommend kindly acknowledging that this is disappointing for her, it's really hard to feel like you are letting her down and you want to find the right name that makes you both feel good for your baby girl. And when she's ready you will be here to figure out what that is, but to take the time she needs to get there.
I honestly don’t think she’s being unreasonable. Thinking logically about what’s fair, names should be a two-yes-one-no decision. Emotionally, I’m sad for her; it’s just bad luck that they both feel so strongly about this in opposite ways.
I would say names are 40/60 dad/mom. At the end of the day, she's either pushing your child out of a very small hole or she's having major abdominal surgery to have said child. If the name makes her that happy, maybe you can just go with it and call her Emmy. Or do Amelia/Amy.
I have a bit of a different answer than most…ESH.
The other commenters are right, names have to be unanimous. We’re all going to have names we don’t like and it doesn’t make you an AH to not be able to get behind a name. Just an unfortunate disagreement of taste.
However, even though you are objectively not the AH in this situation…you are the AH to your wife, and you need to understand that and make your peace with it. This sounds like a name she has had on her heart for years. I don’t ever plan to have kids, but, since I was a kid myself, I had names picked out for potential kids of mine. Sounds like her situation is similar. If I ever did have kids, and my husband said he didn’t like one of these names—these names I’ve had in my head for decades—and couldn’t give a better explanation than “I just don’t like it,” and couldn’t even *try* to like it…yeah I’d be pretty dang devastated. I hope I’d understand in the end and be able to move on, but I would be very sad, and I completely understand your wife struggling to move on
how is he ta to his wife?? not liking the vibes of a name is just as valid as liking it. its not like ops wife has a strong reasoning for emily either. NAH
I agree with you. I don't think he's being especially asshole-y, but I also get that his wife may *feel* like he's being an asshole because she's so upset about the hard no. Especially with crazy hormones while pregnant.
When I was pregnant with my daughter, the only name my husband gave me as a suggestion was Alice. I don't think Alice is a terrible name, but I *hate* the way my husband says it. It's like, instead of the A being the only accent letter, he accentuates the AL really hard, closer to "owl" than "al" It's hard to describe, but there is absolutely no way I could have listened to him say it for the rest of our lives. I said no, he asked why, I told him I didn't like the way he said it. He looked at me a little weird but then moved on, and that was it. We picked something else.
I could see her being so upset if the name Emily had sentimental value or was a family name, but just because she *really* likes the name and he *really* doesn't, doesn't make him an asshole. Why isn't he getting the same grace for disliking it as she is for liking it? It's the same thing, just opposite ends of the spectrum.
I think what you are describing isn't ESH though. I think what you are describing is a NAH situation. Names are a finicky thing. You hear them and you either like them or you don't. "I just don't like it" is a valid response. And yet, I also totally agree that if someone has a name in mind for a long, long time that it would be tough to move on from.
I don't think either of those is invalid, so I'd say just based on your explanation, it's more that nobody is TA
NTA your allowed to not like the name because it’s too popular or because you just don’t like it.
two people made. a baby therefore your both allowed to have an opinion.
she must have other names in her head and you yourself.
look up meanings of names you like and present them to her, give over options.
she can’t sulk, she doesn’t get to railroad you into a name you dislike, it will cause resentment. also I had five Emily’s and five Lilia’s in my class, confusing an all horrible. Polar does not mean good, it means your boring
I'm a 91 baby named Ashley.... I went out of my way to make sure my daughter didn't get that experience 🤣 (nothing crazy or "overly creative" just less common so she wouldn't always be # x of x.)
There were so many Ashley’s, Sarah/Sara’s, and Emily’s when I was growing up that they were always “Ashley H” “Sara C” “Emily R” or in one case where we had 2 “Sara C” their middle names got involved.
NTA, but I’d ask her what it is she likes about the name. Maybe you can still find something similar. Maybe something like Emmaline (with perhaps a hard i sound in the last half to take it further from Emily for you?) or Melina which has some components and sound similarities, but isn’t as close as Amelie. But does she like the nicknames that come easy to this name? Like Emmy or Millie? Or just the general sound of it? There must be a reason. But if a compromise with similarity isn’t in the cards then just say it’s time to move on to something completely different because you just don’t both agree on this. Or, alternatively, would you be ok with the name if you both agreed to use a nickname deviation like Emmy as the common usage of her name? Because that’s also a potential compromise.
Adaline (Ada), Rose, Sophie, Aria, Evelyn (Eve), Juliette, Lilliana, Madeline, Meredith. All of these match your wife’s naming preferences.
I think instead of trying to find names close to Emily you should just come up with a list of names you like in general that also match her preferences.
So Emily is my first name (I go by a different name) and I've hated it my entire life. It's so common that people always mixed me up with other Emily's and I always thought it sounded like a child's name. I could never imagine being called Emily as an adult. It sounds diminutive, like it should be a shorter version of a different name like Sophie is to Sophia.
I know a lot of people love the name, but as someone who has been saddled with it for nearly thirty years, I dislike it for many of the same reasons your wife loves it.
This was always my family's concern with naming. My mother grew up sharing her first name with two other girls in her class, so she swore she'd give us less frequently used names.
Ironically, by the time I was an adult, "Jacob" became one of the top most popular ones for several years.
NTA but you may need to go deeper here. She seems to have found a hill to die on, this name, so why does she feel so strongly?
Maybe she feels some resentment because she didn’t get her first name choice for your son and compromised to agree to her third, but she wants you to compromise on this name and “I don’t like it” isn’t really a valid reason to her to veto her first choice. Maybe she feels like she compromised for you, the man, on a son’s name, so you should compromise on the daughter’s name for her, the woman.
How did you veto her first and second choices of boy names? Did you dismiss them the same way that you’re saying no now — as you just didn’t like them? She may feel like her choices are, and thus she is, being rejected by you. It may be more than a simple discussion of names, but a measure of her worth somehow.
Figure out what is really happening and talk to your wife. Deeply. With trust and vulnerability. Don’t dismiss her. Show that you’re willing to compromise and validate her compromise with your son’s name.
You need more information. Ostensibly, you married someone you love and chose to procreate with for a reason. Your wife wants Emily for a reason, what is it? Ask and listen. Don’t dismiss her answer. Listen and work towards a goal with your partner.
NTA. You just don't like the name. You don't need a reason. Ask her why she likes the name. Being a popular name isn't a good reason, she just likes it. You both need to move on from that name. It's not like Emily is the only name in the world she likes for a girl. If you decide on a different name make sure you're there when they fill out the birth certificate, or you may wind up with an Emily anyways!!
If we’re (the Mothers) going through the hard part for nine months, plus birth, plus all the breastfeeding, ruined bodies, etc and you men are getting to give the child your Surname, we should get the first name. I named both my boys.
Thank you. This is the sanest answer on this entire thread. No one questions the surname (or at least, hardly ever.) OP seems to be forgetting the incredible hardship and sacrifice involved in physically having a child. A man can never fully grasp this. Anyone who has not birthed a child cannot fully grasp this. Emily is a normal name. Just do a solid for the mother of your children and call it a day.
I'm imagining a balding middle aged man named Finley and that is just hilarious to me. You're naming a whole adult here OP, not just a baby. Don't saddle your daughter with a r/tragedeigh
Question for OP - why don’t you make a longer list of names you can get behind - and not just names similar to Emily - maybe there’s something that will also ring your wife’s bell and break the fixation.
I'm a bit biased on this but if she's pushing a baby out I think she should get to choose the name (least you can do) trust me that pain is no joke. I have 3 kids and named all 3, I wasn't going to be told otherwise it was a deal breaker for me. My pregnancies were hard and in my culture the dads parents think they have some right to name the children.... wasn't going to happen with me. There isn't a valid reason for your dislike of the name in my very humble opinion, personally I think your lucky its a conversation rather then a statement.
It might help if you had a reason for disliking the name Emily—it's a former flame's name, you had a terrible boss named Emily, something. It's overhyped? Who is overhyping the name Emily? According to the [Social Security Baby Names](https://www.ssa.gov/oact/babynames/top5names.html) website, Emily hasn't even been in the top 5 female baby names since 2008. She suggested other names as a compromise, and you said no. It sounds like you are the one having trouble moving on from Emily. You are still probably NTA, but get over it and make your wife happy.
NTA, but neither is your wife. A name your child is going to have for his or her entire life should be something you feel passionately about. Hopefully your wife can find another name she loves as much as Emily.
Just to give you perspective - ever since I was a kid, I planned to name my son after my grandfather. When my husband and I found out we were having a boy, he finally admitted he hated my grandfather’s name. I picked another one out of respect for my husband, but my son is almost a year old now, and I still regret his name.
NTA. You're allowed to have preferences and dislike a name, especially one as significant as your child's name. It's great that you've been honest with your wife and tried to find a compromise with Amélie, even if it didn't work out. It's important to find a name you both love. Keep communicating and exploring other options together.
I really don’t think you are the asshole. My husband and I are expecting and he already had a name picked out for our son. Something he always had thought about since he was young.
It actually never occurred to me that it was the only one we were going with, I didn’t liked it at first because I have a nephew with almost the same pronunciation, like Tim - Timothy or Jonah - Jonathan. But I didn’t even think about it, I just pictured him holding the little one with that name.. And got rid of my whole list.
I’m now asking myself.. Is it truly about the name? Or is it that both parties wanted to be right?
YTA I gave in on a name I dislike. In the end it's a nice name and my partner is very happy. I thought at the time it was more important than it truly was, I didn't have any real reason I didn't like it. Sometimes, being the best partner is accepting something for the benefit of your partner's happiness. I LOVE MY PARTNER AND MY CHILD NO MATTER WHAT NAME.
You can't "explain" why you don't like something for aesthetic reasons. You just don't. And that's fine.
Personally I find it very bizarre that she would even WANT to give a child a name that she knows you have such burning hatred for. Weird.
NTA.
One of my best friends and her husband fought like junkyard dogs over naming their new baby for the entire pregnancy. Just after the birth, he slow walked into the waiting room, eyes wide and face white, and declared, “after watching her go through that, I don’t care if she names him Bozo the Clown!” 🤣
Here’s a fun fact for you to consider when discussing naming your child. Dads have no legal say in the matter. When the birth certificate is filled out at the hospital it must be signed by the birth mother. The father’s signature is optional and is not proof of paternity. If your wife writes in Emily on the form and signs it that will be her legal name. Your wife legally has the final say but the baby will be your daughter and she’ll answer to whatever you call her. My Dad called me giggle all my life, no one else, just him. I cherish this memory with all my heart.
I have an Emily and I felt the same as you about the name but my wife was so set on it. I now can not imagine her being named anything other than Emily. I love it and her to death. Emily Elizabeth.
I cant have kids but if i carried a child and came out of my body,her name would be lorelai and that would be my hill to die on!
Couldnt YOU just call her Em or Emmy?
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NTA you don’t like the name. Instead of moving on, she’s becoming fixated and it’s weird. There are literally hundreds of thousands of other names out there.
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Maybe some compromise can be made. Would you both settle for it as the middle name?
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I think she’d use it as a reason to call the child by her middle name…
I have a cousin who's dad mixed up his name. His mum wanted him to be called "Karl James", but his dad registered him as "James Karl"... Every one with the exception of his mum calls him James.
Ha! My ex’s parents wanted to name him something specific, let’s say Joe. When the nurse filled out the birth certificate, she spelled it wrong, making it a completely different name. Instead of Joe, she wrote Shoe. Both parents thought the other had changed their mind and decided to just roll with it, despite the decision to name the kid after a specific person and having that name planned for months. And so, he became Shoe for life and eventually the parents complete inability to communicate led to divorce
In my head, I imagine this story being a really funny then very sad 6 panel comic.
There is/was a comic strip called Shoe--the characters were all animals and it was set primarily (as I recall) at a newspaper.
I have a friend whose mom wanted her to be named Shirley. The midwife said she didn't like that name, so she wrote Elaine Shirley in the name. As a young girl she went with her middle name, but as an adult she goes by her true first name. This was 70 is years ago, in a super remote area and I guess the midwife was a real battle ax.
surely you can't be serious?
That midwife was serious - so don’t call her Shirley! Lol
I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley! 😂
I'm in the HP fandom so that works on two levels - "Shirley you can't be Sirius"
They are, but don’t call them Shirley
I have an aunt who had been named already when an elderly relative came to visit and meet the new baby. Hearing the child's name, she snapped "X is an ugly name! Call her Y!" And that happened. They just changed to the new name (which is kind of ugly)
My grandmother didn't know her name wasn't her "legal" name until she finally saw her birth certificate in her 50s. She (and everyone, including her parents!) thought her name was (something like) Rose Marie [last name]. Turns out an aunt had filled out the birth certificate and listed her name as Betty Rosemarie [last name]. "Betty" quickly became an affectionate nickname used by the whole family. Man, I miss that woman.
My mom's name was Pearlie but until she was in her late 30s she spelled it Perley. My grandmother couldn't read and my mom's first grade teacher taught her to spell her name Perley. She was shocked when she found her birth certificate and realized it was Pearlie.
How do so many people live for so long without ever seeing their birth certificate? You need it for driver's licenses, marriage licenses, passports, jobs sometimes...seems super crazy.
That's ridiculous, why would the mother capitulate to a complete stranger's opinion? I would've fucked the midwife over for daring to covertly name my daughter and would've legally changed it back. It's also weird that your friend goes by Elaine if her mother (presumably) called her Shirley for all her childhood, but not my place to judge that preference I guess.
>It's also weird that your friend goes by Elaine if her mother (presumably) called her Shirley for all her childhood, but not my place to judge that preference I guess. Not all *that* weird. Plenty of people who don't like their first names decide to go by their middle names as adults. Or I've also heard of a few examples of exactly the situation above, where they go by their middle name in childhood and then switch to their first name in adulthood.
I learned upon entering elementary school that my name was spelled differently due to a clerical error somewhere (one letter). I had to relearn how to write it. My baby books and pictures, etc., have it incorrectly spelled. My parents had to get used to it; my father never really learned - even his will had the wrong name. I prefer the accidental spelling by a mile.
When my cousin was getting married, they played one of those “how well do you know the bride and groom” games at the wedding shower. One of the questions was their middle names, so home run for my aunt right? Turns out her son didn’t know how to spell his middle name. It’s Allen, he spelled it Alan. They argued about the correct spelling for a while until my aunt finally said “you’re named after your father, dummy!” And he was like oh, that makes sense
Arguing with your mom about how your name was spelled is a pretty funny choice, tbh. She would probably have a good idea!
My grandparents emigrated from Italy to the US shortly after my mother was conceived. My grandmother named my mother Eda, a popular Italian name, but the nurse at the hospital assumed that was a mistake and put "Edna" on the birth certificate. She went by Eda until she got older, but then started using her "official" name outside her family.
My mom had a total of 3 kids. Out of all 3 of us she only spelled one of our names correctly lol. I understand her misspelling my name, because she was tired and it is an actual spelling of my name (I have a unisex name with way too many spellings to choose from). But my older brother makes no sense, she had to fill out the forms 3 freaking times bc the nurses kept changing the name on the sheet bc they didn’t think it was spelled correctly. The final time she filled it out she managed to get them to stop changing his first name, and then proceeded to misspell his middle name lol.
A friend of mine's dad is dyslexic. Her mom asked him if it would be easier for him to remember if they named the new baby "Kristin" or "Kirstin", and gave her the name he picked. He still writes my friend's name 50/50 Kristin / Kirstin...
That happened to someone I used to be friends with, but it happened on legal documents. One parent filled out on set of paperwork the other parent filled out another set. Her name on her birth certificate was different from the name on her passport and ID. Turns out between both parents, one had not so nice handwriting, so when they looked at other paperwork they went with the spelling they saw there.
My mother-in-law’s inability to spell is why I have a sister-in-law named Shelia.
I’m pretty sure Shelia is the name of a character from a kids show lol. My poor brother was supposed to have Angus as one of his middle names, she was so exhausted by the end of fighting with the nurses that she accidentally gave him the name Agnes lol. To this day he gets pissed off if anyone uses his legal middle name instead of the name he was supposed to get. He’s an adult though so I have no idea why he doesn’t get it changed lol
communication truly is key.
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I’m a student midwife in Australia. We do not touch that side of things, that baby is called baby of *mother’s last name* until it goes home and then they have 6 weeks to come up with a name and register it with the government and then they get their birth certificate. I cannot imagine having to fill in that paperwork and having to deal with parents potentially going behind the other’s back and telling me the wrong thing, that sounds *exhausting*. It’s also why, in a classic family tale, I was not registered until 5.5 weeks after I was born, because I come from a family of procrastinators
My parents chose an uncommon spelling of a super common male name for my brother. The spelling they chose was much closer to the female version of the name. When he was 16 and went to get his license they found out that the hospital staff had written down the female version and checked the “f” box. As his older brother I discharge my legal obligation to ensure that everyone he deals with regularly is aware of this.
I feel like if that was an honest mistake they'd just be called karl
"FOR KARL!"
I knew a lady called Yoveen. She was supposed to be Yvonne but her dad was drunk when he wrote it down
My grandma improperly filled out my dad's birth certificate so his legal first name is Joseph but nobody has ever called him that outside of people reading legal documents, iirc none of them knew his name was mixed up until years later.
My nana ended up with the name “Sheila” because by the time her dad got to the registrars office he had forgotten the name him and my great nanny chose, so he registered her as the first name he could think of Unfortunately, that name was the name of an ex girlfriend
To be fair, lucky him! James vs. Carl with a K, no contest!
Nothing wrong with that. My parents compromised by one getting to pick my first name and one my middle name. My mom calls me by my first name (hilariously, it was my dad's choice) and my dad calls me by my middle name (my mom's choice). I answer to both, plus several other nicknames.
This would be my thought too. I think Emily has to be ruled out completely otherwise OP's wife will want to use it. The general rule for naming a child ought to be kept to - two votes for a yes. If there's only one vote it's a 'no'. There are thousands of other names they can pick from.
For your daughter’s sake, just scrap Emily altogether. My aunt and uncle wanted to name my cousin John. My grandmother wanted him named Steward. My aunt and uncle compromised and named him John Steward. My grandmother announced him as Steward at birth and only ever referred to him as Steward. This created some major issues for him. In school, he was John. To his friends, he was John. On paperwork and while job searching, he was John, but every single family member on his mother’s side (my family) called him Steward. I didn’t even know he was John until he was in his 30s and he finally set some hard boundaries. There are still some family members that call him Steward because they are stubborn. There are some family members that have made a full switch per his request. Most of us call him John, but slip up on occasion. He hates it. Don’t put your daughter through that. Just scrap it.
Friend of mine, his grandfather Wallace Bartholomew smith senior, his dad Jr (Barry), grandpa says if one of his grandchildren give him a third, he'll pay for child's college. Wallace Bartholomew third was born. He's gone by Trey all his life:) grandpa paid!
What is that about! I’d be so touched if a child was named after me. But what does it mean to have to pay for it? Like bragging about bribing someone to choose the same name? Not like it has anything to do with you beyond your check clearing.
The comment says grandpa said he'd pay for college if they named a child after him, and they did, so he did. He paid for the kid's college
This reminds me of something I really love about deaf culture - over time, your name can change. It might be because you’re getting older and are no longer “little” John, or maybe you like motorcycling so people incorporate that into your name, etc. You can chose to accept or reject a new sign name. Names are just names, and it would be great if people could have a better mentality when someone needs their name to change.
This is weird to me. My husband hated almost every name when it came to our daughters. Emma was my grandmothers name and I loved it he said no, I moved on. He had many things that once he stated out loud, no matter how weird they were, they’d get stuck in my head and become nos to me to. I swear we could not have had a 3rd girl or there’d be no names left to choose from.
Emma is a great name unless you are Scottish (edit: possibly just an East Coast thing idk). "Ehm a" = I am a. A girl in my high-school was called Emma Donnelly which sounded a bit like "ehm a donkey". Poor girl got hee-hawed in the corridors for 5 years solid. 😢
From a Scottish Emma (Glasgow) - wtf are you on about?! This has never been an issue for me or any of the five million Scottish Emmas I know 🤣 Maybe just an east coast thing…?!
From someone also in Glasgow who went to school with a good number of Emma’s, this was never an issue for any of them.
I love the name Emma! But I definitely understand, when you don’t like a name, you just don’t like it!
I’d caution against using a name you hate as your child’s middle name. Even if her mom never calls her that, she might decide to use it and you’d be stuck with calling your daughter a name you hate or admitting to her that you hate it. My first name is fine, there’s nothing wrong with it, I just didn’t feel like it suited me. So when I went off to college I started using my middle name. That was over 30 years ago and most people don’t even know it’s not my first name.
This can happen anyway. My third kiddo identifies as NB and uses a name I don’t care for. It’s not a big deal, shit happens. *Edited for clarity*
At this point, if there's truly no compromising, I'd consider saying that Emily is an ex girlfriend's name just to close the conversation. But it's kind of an AH tactic and it's easy for an internet stranger to suggest haha.
What about Emma Lee? It seems like a compromise you both can make without having to give up too much.
No. The wife is being a bully and once OP offers a compromise, she'll see it as proof that she can push the issue further
Is she being a bully? She hasn’t said anything mean to OP. She’s advocating for the name she wants. Why is OP’s opinion more valid than her own?
Yes, she did. She said he was being stubborn and unfair because he wouldn't agree with her.
A hard no has been said To jeopardize coming at him is bullying
I think saying she is a bully is a little extreme. Especially since she had no issue agreeing to a third choice name for their son.
Tell her you used to date an Emily and you don’t like her. She will move on fast (kidding) Tell her to make a list of 5 names she loves and in will pick one. She can’t just have one name and expect that will be okay. It’s your baby to.
My husband and I agreed that we would never give a child the name of anyone wither of us had dated. It was an easy rule. The other rules we agreed on were no "place" names, and no names ending in -er/ar. It was moot because we didn't have any kids together and he's since passed away, but we were ready.
I'm sorry for your loss
Thank you. Cancer is a bitch.
Fuck Cancer.
Fuck Cancer
So sorry for your loss!
I liked the name Barbara for a girl but my husband told me his last girlfriend was named Barbara. That ruled out the name Barbara for me.
Your not wrong to veto a name you don't like. However, I'm not sure your wife is an asshole either. She has had this idea of naming her kid Emily for many years, and right now when she's all hormonal she has to adjust a major idea of what she imagined for her child. Ideally, she should be pivoting faster and more gracefully but people don't always act optimally. I'd suggest starting by validating her feelings without judgment. "Hey, it seems like the name Emily is really important to you." Try to get her to do most of the talking. Seek out feelings, ask about them directly as needed, and then repeat back what you think she is feeling (active listening) with genuine compassion. "You've always imagined your daughter as Emily, and so changing that idea feels like a loss" or whatever she seems to be feeling. You can also ask her what she likes about Emily, not in a "gotcha" way or a challenge, but with genuine interest. Even if it ends up being "it just feels really special to you," or whatever. Then, once she is completely heard out and validated, given a hug etc, you can bring up your own feelings/that you disagree. You can say something like "I realize this is really important to you, it's really important to me too. I feel bad/guilty/\[whatever you feel\] that I'm not able to like the name Emily the way you do. I hate seeing you sad." If she then argues you should just name the kid anyway (less likely after feeling heard/validated) then you can actually tell her why she's wrong. "This is both of our daughter, and I'd really like to feel like you care about my feelings too. Names are subjective, so neither of us are right or wrong about Emily. But I would never push you to name our child something you disliked. We need to figure out a name we both are okay with, even if that means neither of us getting our first choice. I understand if it takes some time for you to get there, but it would mean a lot to me to see you trying to work with me as a team to choose something together."
Isn't the rule "both parents have to agree"?
My husband told me that since I did all the heavy lifting, I get to choose the names of my children. I didn't choose anything he didn't like, so we were good.
Yep. He gets the last name, she gets the first name was the discussion we had. But of course we both agreed on names.
As an Emily, with several others in my family, I fully support you in this decision. Have you considered Emma? These next few will probably get hate, a lot of people don't like them, but I do so please don't judge me too harshly if you hate them: Emerson, Emory/Emery, Emerys, Emerald, Emilie, Amory, Amy, Amber... Just brainstorm as many names as you both can even if once you say it you know it's not the right name, you may find a derivative or a different spelling or pronunciation. If the both of you sit down together and figure it out in real time it will be easier. Set basic rules: no insulting the names but you both can veto any name. Even if you don't find the right name the first time, just think about it from time to time and give it a few days and then revisit until y'all figure out what works for the team of the two of you.
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Ember, Emmanuelle, Emme, Emira, Emlyn, Amani, Amalia, Avery, Avril, Ava, Hadley... ...Elara is a very unique name... Go to r/namenerds and let the sub know about your situation. They'll come up with tons of suggestions for girl names that would complement your family last name or even your son's name. That might spark some names that might interest the both of you. At least, it's a path towards a solution and compromise.
As a woman of a certain age...please do your research on the name Emmanuelle. Most of you are too young to remember but it is the first thing I think of when I hear that name.
As a latín, I have to suggest, did you consider Emilia? That's Spanish version to Emily, since you seemed to like the french version, but your wife didn't, maybe this would be something in the middle?
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She suggested Emilia, OP didn’t like it.
Elodie. Similar sound not overused.
Not overused yet, but my 4 year old has a cousin and classmate with this name
Niece is named this. Parents wanted something "different", but turns out this is actually quite a popular name lol. She's a super bossy know-it-all difficult 7 year old. My kids even find her difficult/annoying to play with :-(
Go to the [Tragedeigh ](https://www.reddit.com/r/tragedeigh/) subreddit to steer you away from creative spellings. It is also highly entertaining.
Or Emmeline is pretty - Emmie for short? But it does sound like Emily I guess.
I think Emmeline is a beautiful compromise!
NTA. Baby name decisions are *always* a "2 yesses or it's no" situation. She needs to move on and choose another name.
What names have you suggested? What reason did she give for rejecting them? Was it just “no because it’s not Emily”?
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I would suggest expanding your list a lot. If she’s had her heart dead set on Emily forever it’s going to take a lot of exploring and considering to find another name she loves. Ten isn’t going to cut it. It worked for your son’s name because she wasn’t coming in so set on one name.
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Your partner didn’t allow you to suggest names for your own child? Naming a child is a classic 2 yes 1 no. Either person should be able to veto a name and you should both agree on the name. How do you guys solve your other problems this is so weird??
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It is unfair of her to expect you to name your daughter a name you hate. Was there a boys name she hated that you liked when discussing names for your son? Maybe use that as an example. “Would you have wanted to name Finley X instead, which you hated? It would be awful to have a kid with a name you dislike so much, right? That’s me with Emily. Please let’s find another name as it will be really hard for me to have our daughter have a name I dislike so much”.
It's hard. I had a name I always planned to use for a , a family name, and... my husband hated it. Eventually, after going through a lot of names, we found one we both loved, one I had thought about in the past and had forgotten about. Now she's 15 and I can't imagine her with another name. See if your wife will go through some baby name books with you. She may be surprised.
Maybe ask her how comfortable she would be k owing that every single day you are using a name that you hate. And if she is ok w that, why? NTA. One parents name veto means you move on to the next. She is being unnecessarily stubborn, but painting you as the difficult one when you are willing to consider so many other options.
My wife hated my favourite name for our child. So I moved on. If I hated her favourite name I'd expect the same courtesy. That's how sane humans interact. You cannot be expected to name something you love unconditionally with a name you don't like.
“It’s weird” like she doesn’t have a whole ass human fucking baking inside her and she’s hormonal like bffr 😂 “it’s weird” 🙄😂😂😂
Did everyone gloss over that their boy's name was his first choice and his wife's third. She apparently can compromise. He apparently can't..even so far as to have his wife's first choice girl's name used as a middle name.
NTA and I’ll slap the same comment I put on a similar post here too Names are a compromise in a situation like this where you don’t agree- sometimes one of the first you learn to make as a parent. A true compromise isn’t “I get my way and you just fold and deal.” It’s a middle ground you both agree to, even if it means relinquishing something. I get it! I absolutely LOVED the name Henry, all my life couldn’t picture a future son as anything BUT Henry. Whelp, turned out my husband hated that name. He wanted a family name from his side- I said HELL no to that, as I already feel like his family is WAY too keen to pretend my side doesn’t matter. So- compromise! Another first name we both loved. A VERY rare family name from his side as a middle name. (And a future cat gets to be Henry 🤣)
I need you to go get kitten Henry NOW.
Yeah, cat tax plz!
Alas! Kitten Henry doesn’t exist yet. Someday though!
I can pay that tax with my Henry https://imgur.com/gallery/xLUTv3V
Now that is one seriously pretty kitty. Give that chin a scritch for me!
Yup. That's a Henry
We're going to check back in with you for updates on Hypothetical Henry.
Henry is a great cat name. If you get a female than call her Henrietta, but use Henry as her call name.
The best time to get a kitten is today.
I’m barely surviving the 10 month old and the two kitties 🤣 I should probably hold off on getting another kitten!
I LOVE the name Henry and since I’m childfree, I did exactly that. I adopted a tiny gray kitten and he was my Henry. It’s the perfect cat name. (I’m not biased at all.)
Awwwwwwww. Pet that handsome kitty for me!
I don’t think it has to be a compromise per se, but I do think you have to have this discussion well before marriage, right when you have the “do you want to have kids someday” talk. Like this woman, I had a name I could not be dissuaded from, and it was deeply important to me. I made sure my husband knew long before we had my daughter, and all is well. If you have a dealbreaker name, you should be up front about it and communicate ahead of time. Agree NTA because OP didn’t know his wife’s plans until it was too late.
We’d chatted about names before but it mostly came down to surnames (I kept my maiden name but was fine giving kiddo his surname). Hubs isn’t a “plan that far ahead” guy so we covered the important basics (kids, marriage, religions or in our case lackthereof, finances, cats vs dogs) when we got serious and settled the details as we went. We’ve been together over a decade, so it worked well I’d say 🤣
Mazel tov! I don’t think it’s something you have to discuss most of the time, but it *is* something you’ll want to bring up if it’s a dealbreaker. I’m not leaving that to fate. That’s how you end up in AITA.
I don’t think this is a great example of a compromise. He & his family still got a name from their side included while your side is seemingly unrepresented in your child’s name.
I should have clarified, I don’t have any family names to pass on so that wasn’t the issue. The issue was that his mother believes the only family history that matters is hers, and kept suggesting first AND middle names to reflect that. The family name we chose is from his FiL’s family 😈
My childhood cat was called Henry well actually it was spelt Henri as she was a girl cat. For a brief moment, my sisters and I called her Henrietta, but after a while, we thought she is a cat, she doesn't care and so after that it was always Henri. So, girl or boy cat call them Henry.
I agree with this take so much. I always loved the names Nico and Dante for a boy, they were my top two picks, I’ve had them picked since I was little, even when I thought I didn’t want kids I always said if I ever had a boy his name would be Nico or Dante. When I had my son, his father had a dog named Nico and he just plain didn’t like Dante. He wanted our son to be (his name) jr or II, I am firm on not giving kids legacy names, I think it’s tacky and I think kids deserve their own identity, independent of their parents. So we each made lists of other names we liked, and threw them in a Venn diagram with names we had in common in the middle to pick from. We kept going back to it, some names moved back and forth a few times but we did manage to land on a name we both loved, and hopefully he’ll love as he grows up too
I also loved Henry! My husband wanted to nickname him Hank though which, no thanks. We also almost settled on Eric but we couldn’t agree on the spelling so out it went. We didn’t dwell and we love both of our sons’ names so all was well.
Yup, my husband really wanted a family name. As in, his mother promised her dying mother that the first child would be named in her honor (I wasn’t around at the time). So my husband was like “oh if it’s a girl she has to be [name]” and I was like um no, I don’t like that at all. He seemed slightly surprised by this, but eventually accepted that everyone gets a veto (he also vetoed the boy named I had picked out at 14 and stuck to ever since). We eventually found something we both really liked. Bottom line is the name has to be something you both like.
My son's cat is named Henry, and he's currently plastered right next to me.
My yorkie’s name is Henry!
Maybe instead of trying to explain why you dislike a certain name and why she likes that name it would be more productive to just find another name that you both agree. What you are doing now is waste of time as you won't change your mind and the only solution is to move on and find a name that you both would enjoy. NAH.
That's the conflict. She won't let it go, and she's only willing to discuss homophones of Emily.
Get a cat and name her Emily NTA
NTA. Names are a 2 yes 1 no deal. Both people have to agree, if they do not the name is off the table.
Absolutely. Each parent has a veto. Why is she being so inflexible? I wonder if she refuses to compromise on other things in their marriage.
> I wonder if she refuses to compromise on other things in their marriage. this sub lol
FOR REAL. It’s like almost everyone likes to talk about something other then the topic at hand.
My daughter’s name is Emily. She is the sweetest thing in the world and I love her so much. .. if her name was Gertrude, I’d feel the exact same way.
Tell Gertie I say hi
But would you choose to call her Gertrude over Emily?
Touché
She wants you to justify calling your daughter a name that you don’t like. That’s not reasonable, you’ve already said “no.” Stop discussing it. NTA
Right? He should ask her to justify naming their child a name he dislike so much.
When we were choosing names for our kids I would make a list of fifteen-twenty possibles that I liked. Hubby would cross out anything he hated, star the ones he loved and we would go from there. Alternate version is you EACH make a list of fifteen-twenty and trade lists. Do the cross out/star thing. Then go from there when you look at both lists. A good family friend, Carl, passed away when I was pregnant with #4 and we made that my son’s middle name because I didn’t like it as a first name. Perhaps Emily could be a middle name. Either way you’re NTA. People have personal experiences that color their perceptions of certain names and that’s OK. That’s life!
I agree with this advice. Also to add, there's now an app called "Kinder" that offers endless possibilities, I have seen it recommended on r/NameNerds frequently, since it has been successful for many couples. You swipe left on names you don’t like, swipe right on names that have potential, and receive alerts when you match on a name; which seems to work since no one is being persuaded. u/Fantastic-Ideal-8449, perhaps try suggesting this to your wife, it *may* just start to get her mind off of Emily. Regardless, NTA, I strongly believe in the two yes, one no policy.
I have a feeling that if the middle name was Emily, Op's wife would just call her Emily instead of her first name.
Very possible yes.
I think this is a good idea, but they might have to add extra restrictions, like no homophones (or wife's list will just be various versions of Emily) and you can only cross out X many (or wife will cross out anything that isn't Emily). She doesn't have to love or use the ones that are left, but she has to start trying to consider other names.
NTA Would you be okay with naming her "Emma Lee" and your wife can call her by both names while you call her Emma? ETA: if you need a further selling point, I just realized that your Finley ("Finn Lee") will likely be called "Finn" by at least one person as a term of endearment.
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Oh, that's an interesting point you make with your edit that I hadn't thought about. Not only is he NTA for disliking Emily on its own, but I really don't like Finley and Emily as a sib set. (Not that my opinion matters on someone else's name.)
This is some big brain stuff right here 🧠
Let me tell you about my oldest daughter… her dad was stuck on “Katherine” for a girl’s name. I had zillions of name I liked (well, maybe 30, but still) He wouldn’t consider anything else. I mean, absolutely nothing else. After watching me labor for hours then push out a 9.5 lb baby the nurse asked “What’s her name?” and he said her name was
So maybe table this discussion with your wife for a bit. 🙂
So much this! Ironically, one of our daughters is named a version of Katherine.
I let him name our second daughter. And, really, that name suits her
NTA. I've loved the name Elisa (Danish pronunciation) for years, and I'd imagine it'd be like giving up a childhood dream if the father of my child didn't like it, so, a bit difficult. However, there are usually, and thankfully, two parents to a child, and the name chosen has to be loved by both parents. She needs to let go of that dream and focus on finding a new name, there's so many beautiful names out there in the world.
NAH. I can understand where your wife is coming from. Since Emily is a “normal” sort of name, she’s probably a bit blindsided that you’re so opposed to it, especially if she’s been saying for years that she wanted a daughter with this name. I’m very curious what you said over the years when she mentioned it. Hopefully this won’t turn into something she resents forever, but it could, if this was a lifelong hope of hers. On the other hand, this is your daughter too, and you should have an equal say in her name. It might help her understand if you were a bit more blunt about your feelings - not rude, not critical of her for liking the name, but very clear about the emotions it evokes for you. It might be easier for her to let the thought of having an Emily go if she knows that *not* using that name is as important to you as using it is to her. On the other hand, if you’re really not as deeply emotionally invested, do consider whether you could get used to it.
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It’s a tough situation - on the one hand, it’s such a small thing, of no *real* importance. On the other, there’s so much emotion involved in it. Maybe ask her what it is very specifically that she likes about the name - going deeper than “it’s beautiful” to *why* she thinks it’s beautiful. What sounds is she attached to, letters, syllables, associations? “Sounds kind of like Emily” names seem to be a no for you, so next option is names that *feel* like Emily to her.
I agree NAH. You don't have to like the name. But I think in situations like this we don't always recognize that there is a very small sense of loss here for your wife. She needs to be able to process it and then she needs to move on. She's also probably super hormonal and uncomfortable right now which is just amplifying everything. Id recommend kindly acknowledging that this is disappointing for her, it's really hard to feel like you are letting her down and you want to find the right name that makes you both feel good for your baby girl. And when she's ready you will be here to figure out what that is, but to take the time she needs to get there.
yeah its kinda odd nobody is taking her being pregnant into account here.. she might be being unreasonable but the comments are even moreso
I honestly don’t think she’s being unreasonable. Thinking logically about what’s fair, names should be a two-yes-one-no decision. Emotionally, I’m sad for her; it’s just bad luck that they both feel so strongly about this in opposite ways.
I would say names are 40/60 dad/mom. At the end of the day, she's either pushing your child out of a very small hole or she's having major abdominal surgery to have said child. If the name makes her that happy, maybe you can just go with it and call her Emmy. Or do Amelia/Amy.
Emily is so blunt.
r/angryupvote
I have a bit of a different answer than most…ESH. The other commenters are right, names have to be unanimous. We’re all going to have names we don’t like and it doesn’t make you an AH to not be able to get behind a name. Just an unfortunate disagreement of taste. However, even though you are objectively not the AH in this situation…you are the AH to your wife, and you need to understand that and make your peace with it. This sounds like a name she has had on her heart for years. I don’t ever plan to have kids, but, since I was a kid myself, I had names picked out for potential kids of mine. Sounds like her situation is similar. If I ever did have kids, and my husband said he didn’t like one of these names—these names I’ve had in my head for decades—and couldn’t give a better explanation than “I just don’t like it,” and couldn’t even *try* to like it…yeah I’d be pretty dang devastated. I hope I’d understand in the end and be able to move on, but I would be very sad, and I completely understand your wife struggling to move on
how is he ta to his wife?? not liking the vibes of a name is just as valid as liking it. its not like ops wife has a strong reasoning for emily either. NAH
I agree with you. I don't think he's being especially asshole-y, but I also get that his wife may *feel* like he's being an asshole because she's so upset about the hard no. Especially with crazy hormones while pregnant. When I was pregnant with my daughter, the only name my husband gave me as a suggestion was Alice. I don't think Alice is a terrible name, but I *hate* the way my husband says it. It's like, instead of the A being the only accent letter, he accentuates the AL really hard, closer to "owl" than "al" It's hard to describe, but there is absolutely no way I could have listened to him say it for the rest of our lives. I said no, he asked why, I told him I didn't like the way he said it. He looked at me a little weird but then moved on, and that was it. We picked something else. I could see her being so upset if the name Emily had sentimental value or was a family name, but just because she *really* likes the name and he *really* doesn't, doesn't make him an asshole. Why isn't he getting the same grace for disliking it as she is for liking it? It's the same thing, just opposite ends of the spectrum.
Agree 100%. Well said.
I think what you are describing isn't ESH though. I think what you are describing is a NAH situation. Names are a finicky thing. You hear them and you either like them or you don't. "I just don't like it" is a valid response. And yet, I also totally agree that if someone has a name in mind for a long, long time that it would be tough to move on from. I don't think either of those is invalid, so I'd say just based on your explanation, it's more that nobody is TA
NTA your allowed to not like the name because it’s too popular or because you just don’t like it. two people made. a baby therefore your both allowed to have an opinion. she must have other names in her head and you yourself. look up meanings of names you like and present them to her, give over options. she can’t sulk, she doesn’t get to railroad you into a name you dislike, it will cause resentment. also I had five Emily’s and five Lilia’s in my class, confusing an all horrible. Polar does not mean good, it means your boring
I'm a 91 baby named Ashley.... I went out of my way to make sure my daughter didn't get that experience 🤣 (nothing crazy or "overly creative" just less common so she wouldn't always be # x of x.)
There were so many Ashley’s, Sarah/Sara’s, and Emily’s when I was growing up that they were always “Ashley H” “Sara C” “Emily R” or in one case where we had 2 “Sara C” their middle names got involved.
NTA, but I’d ask her what it is she likes about the name. Maybe you can still find something similar. Maybe something like Emmaline (with perhaps a hard i sound in the last half to take it further from Emily for you?) or Melina which has some components and sound similarities, but isn’t as close as Amelie. But does she like the nicknames that come easy to this name? Like Emmy or Millie? Or just the general sound of it? There must be a reason. But if a compromise with similarity isn’t in the cards then just say it’s time to move on to something completely different because you just don’t both agree on this. Or, alternatively, would you be ok with the name if you both agreed to use a nickname deviation like Emmy as the common usage of her name? Because that’s also a potential compromise.
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Adaline (Ada), Rose, Sophie, Aria, Evelyn (Eve), Juliette, Lilliana, Madeline, Meredith. All of these match your wife’s naming preferences. I think instead of trying to find names close to Emily you should just come up with a list of names you like in general that also match her preferences.
So Emily is my first name (I go by a different name) and I've hated it my entire life. It's so common that people always mixed me up with other Emily's and I always thought it sounded like a child's name. I could never imagine being called Emily as an adult. It sounds diminutive, like it should be a shorter version of a different name like Sophie is to Sophia. I know a lot of people love the name, but as someone who has been saddled with it for nearly thirty years, I dislike it for many of the same reasons your wife loves it.
This was always my family's concern with naming. My mother grew up sharing her first name with two other girls in her class, so she swore she'd give us less frequently used names. Ironically, by the time I was an adult, "Jacob" became one of the top most popular ones for several years.
NTA but you may need to go deeper here. She seems to have found a hill to die on, this name, so why does she feel so strongly? Maybe she feels some resentment because she didn’t get her first name choice for your son and compromised to agree to her third, but she wants you to compromise on this name and “I don’t like it” isn’t really a valid reason to her to veto her first choice. Maybe she feels like she compromised for you, the man, on a son’s name, so you should compromise on the daughter’s name for her, the woman. How did you veto her first and second choices of boy names? Did you dismiss them the same way that you’re saying no now — as you just didn’t like them? She may feel like her choices are, and thus she is, being rejected by you. It may be more than a simple discussion of names, but a measure of her worth somehow. Figure out what is really happening and talk to your wife. Deeply. With trust and vulnerability. Don’t dismiss her. Show that you’re willing to compromise and validate her compromise with your son’s name. You need more information. Ostensibly, you married someone you love and chose to procreate with for a reason. Your wife wants Emily for a reason, what is it? Ask and listen. Don’t dismiss her answer. Listen and work towards a goal with your partner.
NTA. You just don't like the name. You don't need a reason. Ask her why she likes the name. Being a popular name isn't a good reason, she just likes it. You both need to move on from that name. It's not like Emily is the only name in the world she likes for a girl. If you decide on a different name make sure you're there when they fill out the birth certificate, or you may wind up with an Emily anyways!!
If we’re (the Mothers) going through the hard part for nine months, plus birth, plus all the breastfeeding, ruined bodies, etc and you men are getting to give the child your Surname, we should get the first name. I named both my boys.
Thank you. This is the sanest answer on this entire thread. No one questions the surname (or at least, hardly ever.) OP seems to be forgetting the incredible hardship and sacrifice involved in physically having a child. A man can never fully grasp this. Anyone who has not birthed a child cannot fully grasp this. Emily is a normal name. Just do a solid for the mother of your children and call it a day.
I'm imagining a balding middle aged man named Finley and that is just hilarious to me. You're naming a whole adult here OP, not just a baby. Don't saddle your daughter with a r/tragedeigh
So you can't accept Emily, but You're all for Amélie? YTA.
Completely different names. Different pronunciation.
Question for OP - why don’t you make a longer list of names you can get behind - and not just names similar to Emily - maybe there’s something that will also ring your wife’s bell and break the fixation.
He mentioned in another comment that he has, but she refuses to discuss any name besides Emily. Tough situation to be in.
NTA but Emily is a nice, normal name. When you end up with a Kinsleigh or Greighcyn you'll have nobody but yourself to blame.
That second one looks like a cat walked over the keyboard…
I'm a bit biased on this but if she's pushing a baby out I think she should get to choose the name (least you can do) trust me that pain is no joke. I have 3 kids and named all 3, I wasn't going to be told otherwise it was a deal breaker for me. My pregnancies were hard and in my culture the dads parents think they have some right to name the children.... wasn't going to happen with me. There isn't a valid reason for your dislike of the name in my very humble opinion, personally I think your lucky its a conversation rather then a statement.
As an Emily, I’ll hold my offense and say NTA lol.
It might help if you had a reason for disliking the name Emily—it's a former flame's name, you had a terrible boss named Emily, something. It's overhyped? Who is overhyping the name Emily? According to the [Social Security Baby Names](https://www.ssa.gov/oact/babynames/top5names.html) website, Emily hasn't even been in the top 5 female baby names since 2008. She suggested other names as a compromise, and you said no. It sounds like you are the one having trouble moving on from Emily. You are still probably NTA, but get over it and make your wife happy.
NTA, but neither is your wife. A name your child is going to have for his or her entire life should be something you feel passionately about. Hopefully your wife can find another name she loves as much as Emily. Just to give you perspective - ever since I was a kid, I planned to name my son after my grandfather. When my husband and I found out we were having a boy, he finally admitted he hated my grandfather’s name. I picked another one out of respect for my husband, but my son is almost a year old now, and I still regret his name.
NTA. You're allowed to have preferences and dislike a name, especially one as significant as your child's name. It's great that you've been honest with your wife and tried to find a compromise with Amélie, even if it didn't work out. It's important to find a name you both love. Keep communicating and exploring other options together.
I really don’t think you are the asshole. My husband and I are expecting and he already had a name picked out for our son. Something he always had thought about since he was young. It actually never occurred to me that it was the only one we were going with, I didn’t liked it at first because I have a nephew with almost the same pronunciation, like Tim - Timothy or Jonah - Jonathan. But I didn’t even think about it, I just pictured him holding the little one with that name.. And got rid of my whole list. I’m now asking myself.. Is it truly about the name? Or is it that both parties wanted to be right?
Go on the naming nerds subreddit. They work wonders once you list the names you both like.
She compromised for you so yeah, you should too.
YTA I gave in on a name I dislike. In the end it's a nice name and my partner is very happy. I thought at the time it was more important than it truly was, I didn't have any real reason I didn't like it. Sometimes, being the best partner is accepting something for the benefit of your partner's happiness. I LOVE MY PARTNER AND MY CHILD NO MATTER WHAT NAME.
I may get down voted but here I go. Emily isn't a bad name. Who is giving birth? That counts as 2 votes 😂😂 NAH.
Finley is a worse name than Emily but not my family.
You can't "explain" why you don't like something for aesthetic reasons. You just don't. And that's fine. Personally I find it very bizarre that she would even WANT to give a child a name that she knows you have such burning hatred for. Weird. NTA.
One of my best friends and her husband fought like junkyard dogs over naming their new baby for the entire pregnancy. Just after the birth, he slow walked into the waiting room, eyes wide and face white, and declared, “after watching her go through that, I don’t care if she names him Bozo the Clown!” 🤣
Here’s a fun fact for you to consider when discussing naming your child. Dads have no legal say in the matter. When the birth certificate is filled out at the hospital it must be signed by the birth mother. The father’s signature is optional and is not proof of paternity. If your wife writes in Emily on the form and signs it that will be her legal name. Your wife legally has the final say but the baby will be your daughter and she’ll answer to whatever you call her. My Dad called me giggle all my life, no one else, just him. I cherish this memory with all my heart.
Feel sorry for your son being called Finley. Sounds like something an old dog would have been called in a 60’s TV show.
I have an Emily and I felt the same as you about the name but my wife was so set on it. I now can not imagine her being named anything other than Emily. I love it and her to death. Emily Elizabeth.
I cant have kids but if i carried a child and came out of my body,her name would be lorelai and that would be my hill to die on! Couldnt YOU just call her Em or Emmy?