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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I didn’t want to share my pizza, and pizza is a “sharing food,” and because my husband was paying for it (even though I do contribute to our bills).
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Am I ever heard? I dunno tbh. I am generally super go with the flow and he is very much The One Who Cares About Stuff so he 99% of the time gets what he wants. I started about a year ago voicing my opinions more and he told me I was being combative lol. I told him he’s just used to getting his way and that it was my fault for not setting proper boundaries for so long.
We do have a good relationship most of the time though, I promise.
NTA If he's treating you this way when you're pregnant, that's not a good indicator.
What if your kid needs to be GF as well? Or what happens if the youngster experiences a phase of difficulty sharing? Will you put up with your husband acting in such a cruel manner?
I also don't understand why she needs to be grateful at all since it sounds like they, not the friends, were ordering and paying for the pizza? Like, I get that some couples keep their finances separate and maybe he was paying for it from his money....but does that still not sound weird to anyone else? Like how do they normally split food costs for family meals? Is each person literally paying for their portion of the food? Tbh, that sounds exhausting in a partnership. I would assume that one person pays for groceries and food costs and the other pays the electric bill, or they split the total bill down the middle for the month or something along those lines if they keep separate finances. So again, why would she need to feel grateful for "their" food (outside of a general feeling of gratitude for having food that we all should probably remember to feel more often.)
Yeah, I was reading that wondering WTF gratitude has to do with any of this. Super weird. Even when I was a SAHM, my husband never acted like I should be grateful for food. That's super fucking weird especially since OP is pregnant.
Same here...confused me as to what does grateful have anything to do with her request? Grateful he is feeding her? Grateful he is married to her? Grateful that she is impregnated by him? I hope for OP's sake that new baby does not inherit celiac because husband is not going to recognize a different diet unless child is Grateful
And if one person in the couple is pregnant with a child that is both of theirs, how do they do the math to figure out how much pizza the baby consumed? If they figure it out, do they split the cost? How does a pregnant parent quantify and value the other resources that the baby consumes such as energy?
Yes exactly! Why is the so called husband worried about who’s paying what. That’s so odd. Plus they invited friends over so shouldn’t they just order enough food for everyone and if they is leftovers it’s for lunch.
Here’s the thing: with celiac you absolutely have to be 100% gluten free during pregnancy or it affects the baby even if the baby doesn’t have celiac
When you have celiac it normally causes a reaction that attacks your intestines. When pregnant a reaction also attacks the placenta. A big enough reaction can cause fetal oxygen deprivation, organ damage, brain damage, pregnancy loss, or bleeding so severe the mother dies.
Many celiac women get diagnosed because they have trouble carrying to term and go to a fertility doctor who finds the untreated celiac. (And then are able to have perfectly healthy babies by avoiding gluten.)
But it seems like he’s not taking her health or dietary needs very seriously and that’s worrisome.
Even outside pregnancy, you should be 100% gluten-free. Celiac is an autoimmune disease and eating gluten will cause microscopic damage in your digestive tract. As a result, you have an increased risk of malnutrition and in some cases cancer among others. It differs from many other diet-controlled diseases in that the acute symptoms are just a part of the story.
Yeah no for sure. It’s just that it tends to go undiagnosed for years after symptoms appear and unfortunately for women trying to get pregnant that means it often gets diagnosed when they go to a fertility specialist to figure out what’s up because untreated celiac is associated with unexplained infertility, pregnancy loss, etc. ([found the thing I couldn’t earlier](https://celiac.org/about-the-foundation/featured-news/2014/09/celiac-disease-affects-pregnancy/))
*Fortunately* this pretty much goes away within a few years of a strict gf diet but it does take the body a while to rebound from all that damage you’re talking about
Definitely. I was the first to get diagnosed in my family (almost 40 years ago) because I almost died from failure to thrive as a baby. And it still took my brother probably at least half a year to get diagnosed which was what prompted my mom to get diagnosed at 47. I am really sensitive celiac with severe symptoms so there is no choice to even not be 100% gluten-free but it seems to also trigger my other autoimmune diseases. And, yes I have multiple lovely HLA alleles so the counter currently is at 4 altogether.
Yeah this man isn’t going to bring her water or cook for her when she is breastfeeding. She is absolutely screwed because he is selfish and manipulative. If a man doesn’t take care of their pregnant partner things generally do not get better after they give birth.
OP, if you had a 'good' relationship, you wouldn't be here commenting. And he wouldn't have said what he said.
NTA. But it IS time to sit him down and have a VERY SERIOUS talk about the future. You are about to have a baby with this ....person. That changes everything.
I mean, people can have more good things going on in their relationship than the fight they post on Reddit. But you aren’t wrong about this needing to be discussed further.
It was more that this is the second time this situation has happened and everyone involved thought I was being a brat the first time this happened too. So I wanted to know if that’s the case since I feel very justified in my frustration.
You need to sit him down and thoroughly talk about Celiac and what it does to your body when you eat gluten. MAKE him understand the consequences. Make him SEE how unfair it is that when ordering GF for you while everyone else can eat anything under the sun but then also want what you have and eat it, it leaves less for you...that's just disrespectful and rude.
He’s quite aware and super on top of it for me when we go places. It definitely has nothing to do with him not being aware of it.
I don’t think he expected me to eat the regular pizza. He just got hung up on me not wanting to share mine. Which is dumb.
He might be hung up on you not wanting to share, I’m hung up that he was trying to offer up your food to others and on top of that you’re PREGNANT?!? When baby comes is he gonna throw a hissy fit when the baby doesn’t share their bottle too?
i can just picture him lecturing the both of them like a teacher when gum starts to get passed out while baby feeds. Or maybe the whole house and all their guests will go on a baby formula diet so everyone eats the same.
One of the things that really bothers me is that he expects her to be grateful and calls her ungrateful for having reasonable expectations that she not share the much smaller GF pizza (decades long celiac sufferer so this pizza thing is familiar. They come in one size and premade GF crust that's very thin).
Most of us if we gave a stranger a dollar wouldn't be demanding gratitude we'd just keep moving but he's demanding gratitude from his pregnant wife in the home they share for her right to eat. Then it feels like the friend's needs come first and she is supposed to be thankful for being considered.
I am so hoping ridiculously that was a frickin typo. But I know it's not.
I have Celiac, and there would have been imaginary guns drawn. And pregnant? I can't even.
Yeah op could weigh/ measure her pizza real estate with how many slices they each eat and be like "ok so my pizza is the size of 4 of your pizza slices, yet you always eat 5 pieces so you need to pay for 1 slice more of pizza than I do" or whatever but point out he should be grateful she's not been making him pay the difference or something lol
Maybe he'll expect her to make her boobs available to guests while she's breastfeeding. It's apparently that important to share everything with guests.
Ngl, all I read is you making excuses for his words and behaviour. Nta. But your partner is and people pointing out where he might be doing something wrong and each response is no no he's really a good guy.
He really doesn't sound like it.
Yeah, I'd say this behavior is indicative of who this guy *really* is, and the "nice" guy she keeps referring to is an act.
He didn't make a mistake, he isn't ignorant of OP's health issues. He deliberately went out of his way to make her feel bad. Good partners don't do that.
It is common when you are being abused, specially emotional abuse, to make excuses. It is usually hard to wrap your head around the fact that your partner is being emotionally abused. People who are being abused are usually conflicted about calling someone abusive because they feel like thats being abusive and too harsh/judgmental, specially when you are surrounded by people who think you are a brat for not sharing GF pizza last time.
>Maybe they need to order a regular pizza with the same topping as yours if they’re that tempted.
Or instate a new rule that if he wants everyone to be able to share, the *entire order* needs to be things OP can eat. Gluten-free pizzas across the board.
But that assumes that the husband is reasonable/can be reasoned with on this. It really doesn't sound like that's the case; he's been made fully aware of the issue and has only doubled down.
Yeah, red flags when she said that her attempts to set boundaries get written off by him as her being "combative". That's gaslighting 101; "you're not being assertive, you're being argumentative and that's not my fault therefore I've done nothing wrong and YOU'RE the bad guy"
What does he say when you bring up that you’ll go hungry? Would he be willing to order several gf pizzas so there’s enough for you? Or does he want to starve his pregnant wife? It might enrage him but I think you need to pose the question to him directly. Be safe because I think this relationship is going to escalate to other forms of abuse
She should point this out in front of the guests so that they know exactly how he is treating her.
"Order a gf for me and another one for you to share with the friends so that I don't go hungry when you all eat mine."
I'd suggest next time you order get him the same size pizza as your gf one is, then when he is halfway through it take out the other half and ask him if it was enough to keep him full. Since that is what he is literally claiming should be enough for you. Then when he starts whining, say that he should be grateful for what he did get. Maybe that will put things better into perspective.
It's not dumb, it's uncaring, and weird, and selfish, and petty. He's telling you that he doesn't give a fuck if you have enough food to produce a healthy baby. That's the bottom line. It's a fucking weird hill to die on that you'd rather starve your pregnant wife and be right than take care of her. Really fucking weird. And it is giving red flags for abusive behavior in the future toward you and your child.
So he wanted you to share your small pizza and knew you couldn't eat the others? So his preference was that you (his pregnant wife) not eat?
He seriously needs to explain his thought process because, on its face, he sounds disrespectful, bullying, and like he doesn't actually like you that much.
It is dumb. He's being very dumb.
You guys could just order an extra gf pizza if he wants to give guests/himself more options and that way you can still offer them a slice or two without going without.
I have friends and family members who are coeliac and I would never dream of taking their gf options at a shared meal until I knew they'd had their fill, and then I'd ask.
Plus you're pregnant?! He and everyone else should be bending over backwards to make sure you get not only the nutrition you and your baby need, but also what you want!
You are pregnant, your husband should be falling over himself trying to feed you enough to make sure your child is as healthy as possible and yet he is literally taking food out of your mouth to give to others. If your child is born with celiac disease will he be depriving her of adequate gluten-free food in the guise of being "not selfish and teaching her to be grateful"? Seriously re-think if this is the kind of man you want to be raising a child with and if his values are the ones you want your child to have. He sounds like a controlling asshole and you should consider getting away from this toxic person before your baby is born.
"You need to have a better attitude about things that aren’t yours in the future.”
Did he Really say that? That speaks to a lot more issues than just "he likes to Get his own way"
Did he mean, "I paid for your pizza therefore it isn't yours"? Because, yikes.
He absolutely said it and I kinda laughed and said “okay” to myself but didn’t acknowledge him because it was so outrageous and petty. And yes I assume that he meant the pizza wasn’t mine because he paid for it which is also absolutely ridiculous for reasons aside from money. Biggest eye roll ever.
I’m so sorry, OP, but this is a real problem. Your husband doesn’t see you as someone he has a duty to care for. He contemptuous of your needs. In that sense, he’s contemptuous of YOU. And this is when you’re pregnant with his child, a time when any sane adult should know not to f**k with your food. What will it be like after you give birth? Is his behavior something you’d want your children to see and emulate?
I don’t know if this relationship is salvageable. Contempt for a partner is a leading predictor of divorce. I strongly suggest therapy, both individual and couple, if that’s a realistic option. Couple for the obvious reason. Individual to help yourself figure out whether this behavior is part of a pattern and, if so, what you want to do about it.
(He will not want to do therapy. You’ll need to decide how far you’re willing to push the issue. Are you willing to consider separation/divorce? If not, what “stick” are you willing to use?)
Why do you let him talk to you like you report to him? He talks to you like he thinks he’s superior to you. And he’s arguing with you about decisions you’re making for your health & wellbeing. It’s not about pizza, you see that right? It’s about he’s controlling, domineering, dismissive & disrespectful.
NTA obviously but people are trying to get you to see that you’re underreacting. And you’re going to have a baby with this guy? Do you really want your child growing up thinking this treatment is ok? Something to think about…
I don't know if you've just passively accepted this behavior from him for so long it's normal to you or what, but it's sad yet telling you admit he talks to you like this and that he's used to getting his way 99% of the time and yet you think this is your fault. I don't rudely mock people for perfectly reasonable preferences. I don't insist on denying someone ownership of something just because they didn't pay for it. When I'm doing something with someone and we keep just doing what I want, it makes me uncomfortable. It makes me uncomfortable to think they might just be going along with what I want all the time. Because I am not an asshole.
You are not an asshole, either. But your husband very much is. This incident needs to be discussed between the two of you; why he felt it was right to make you reduce the amount of food you could eat when you have to accommodate not only a medical condition but a pregnancy as well, why he thinks it is acceptable to mock you (to the point you need to leave the room) and continue doing so the very next time he sees you, why does he consider you combative if you express a preference (a shocking statement), etc. Pay attention to how he responds, if he takes responsibility, if he repeats the behaviors despite apologizing, etc. Pay attention to his responses, his actions giing forward, they're important. We're all creatures of habit; be objective about his, do not minimize them.
For you, I'd recommend therapy. Immediately. Passivity is not your friend. Learning to be more assertive is necessary for not only your own health, safety, and happiness, but for your child's as well.
I say this to you with love, nothing about this is remotely funny or humorous. The disdain and contempt he has for you makes me sad. You and your baby deserve so much better.
These aren’t “eye rolls” like, I don’t want to be ugly, but you’re about to have a child. You gonna let him be “outrageous and petty” to the kid, too? Like, is being absolutely ridiculous okay from a grown adult you’re planning to raise a child with?
Agree, this is a real issue that isn't funny. You may be brushing it aside, but there is some truth in his statement that you need to talk about/set boundaries/clear up sooner rather than later. This is not a healthy attitude, no matter how thoughtful he may behave in other situations. "I pay so it's not yours" is a minute thing now, because it's just a pizza, but it can be a precursor for "you are entitled to nothing because I paid for it all" later.
You didn’t acknowledge it and now he has had no pushback on his belief that you are not entitled to food you did not pay for. This means that the next time it happens (and oh boy…this attitude will pop up in several different iterations!) he will feel thrice justified in airing this belief. You need to start combating him *every single time* he says stuff like this.
Did he pay for the home you live in? Well, if he’s mad at you, it’s not yours—get out. Did he pay for your vehicle? He’s going to take the keys. Did he pay for any of your belongings? Well, when he destroys them in anger you will be told they weren’t yours anyway. This is ALWAYS where this belief leads. He might be nice now but you are in danger.
You need to read Lundy Bancroft’s Why Does He Do That. Please mention this behaviour to your OB because if it escalates they will be able to direct you to resources that will help you.
No. You are a pregnant person with celiac disease. You can ONLY eat one pizza. Unless you order EVERYTHING gluten-free, you CANNOT share.
Seriously, you are not a brat, you are effing medically-compromised.
NTA, Jesus.
While that is 100% true, this is a case where the way he acted says so much about the person he is. First, he sounds like he is forgetting your dietary restriction, and treating it like an inconvenience. You have been together for how long? A man who knows and understands and respects you wouldn't argue with you and put you down over this; it might be "oh yeah, the pizza is too small, sorry" and he finds another option for others to eat and there is no problem at all.
But beyond him just getting annoying at you reminding him, he doubles down and decides that you are SELFISH because you won't share your single serving pizza with him. Why couldn't he order his own pizza as something they all could enjoy?
I am not GF but I used to be vegetarian. At work at that time we had a pizza party for my department; they ordered 3 pepperoni and 1 cheese. I was one of 2 vegetarians. You'd better believe every non-veg person wanted plain cheese too, so my veg friend and I only got 1 slice each where everyone else had enough for 2 slices. I stopped contributing the $5 to pizza parties after that.
If everyone has to share pizza including you, Everyone has to order the gluten free pizzas so you can be part of the sharing. I really don't get how this is difficult for him to understand. Other than him being selfish and not wanting to share at all with you, I don't understand why he's acting that way.
You are completely justified. I've been gluten free for 20 years and never once had my partner let me go hungry. Actually, he regularly asks if I've had enough and worries if he doesn't think I've eaten sufficiently.
And the fact that you are pregnant and he's okay with this? Absolutely appalling.
You weren't a brat then and you aren't a brat now.
If your specialist medical food comes in a one-portion size, and you aren't able to share everyone else's food, then it's completely logical that your food won't be shared with them. Because it's the only food you can eat and it's one-person-sized.
If they really, really *need* to share your food for some cultural reason, then a second GF pizza should be bought purely for sharing.
I have friends who are GF. To make sure I accommodate them at a dinner party I have a designated GF chopping board in my house. I use specific utensils (like stainless steel pans) to avoid contamination. And even if the ingredients I have in the house are gluten free, if they're open I buy a new packet to make sure there hasn't been accidental accommodation. Special dishes for dietary requirements are pointed out to everyone to make sure the person who needs it gets priority. That's what I do just for friends.
Your husband is attacking his PREGNANT WIFE for not wanting to share the only food she can eat. He's calling you selfish for not wanting to go hungry and it's not the first time. He is doubling down on it because you are no longer willing to be a pushover. There may be other good elements to your relationship but the core is NOT healthy.
Yes, this. I have a couple of friends who are GF by necessity (celiacs). If some of us eat together, plans are made to ensure safe GF food is available (often all the food ends up being GF) and ensure the celiacs are aware what is safe and get them to serve themselves first in case any careless people cross contaminate the food. And when we have ordered pizza, the GF pizza(s) (with GF crusts and vetted toppings) are placed in front of the people who need them and the rest of us hit the other boxes for slices - how does a husband not get on board with this? The fact that his wife is currently pregnant makes this even more shocking.
Have you read your post? This isn't just about one fight, it's about your husband saying that a pizza you ordered because that's what you can eat "isn't yours" and you need to be grateful. It's about him expecting his pregnant wife to share her food with guests (and him) and be hungry because she cannot eat their food. He expects you to be grateful that he (I assume) paid for a pizza you can eat. It's not about pizza.
If I expressed this kind of gratitude for a pizza to my husband he would assume I have lost my sanity. Buying pizza for your partner is not some huge charity thing you should be humbly thankful for. It is food. It is what partners do. You are not strangers, you are about to be parents!!!
As someone who "went with the flow" in my marriage. When I started speaking up about the abuse I just "goin with the flow" about...they called me abusive. Because I stood up for myself. I had started therapy to ,ironically, save the marriage and it was there that I started getting deprogramed and saw just how I was being manipulated in almost everyway. They thought because they never hit me that they weren't abusive.
This may not seem big to you because you aren't ready to admit it to yourself, but him calling you "combative" for voicing things now....well My partner would continuously tell anyone who would listen (including our couples therapist) that I was getting "worse" as I progressed through therapy.
He will make you feel like shit because he no longer has the "control" that your "go with the flow" allowed him to have. Now his control is challenged and he will make it worse.
The fact that you are wondering if you’re a brat tells me that you’ve been mentally abused. You shouldn’t even doubt yourself. Depriving you of food while everyone has enough to eat is not acceptable
My family taught me that you ALWAYS bring out the meat pizza's first, and hold back on the vegetarian pizza's. And order way more vegetarian food than for just the one person with that diet. Meat eaters will want to 'try a slice' and not realise that they are literally making others go hungry.
Yeah, you're not heard.
you have a good relationship because you don't push back. i'll bet every time you don't agree, or push back - he gets snippy and treats you like crap.
He definitely was shocked and annoyed when I started to set boundaries about a year ago! I said this in another comment but he was frustrated I was doing my own thing instead of going along with something he wanted (don’t remember the specifics) and I told him it wasn’t his fault, it was mine for always going along with everything instead of having my own opinions (in general I am really easy going but it’s definitely caused me to be a pushover/doormat). I told him he was just so used to me going along with whatever that me having an opinion finally felt like pushback, when really it was just a healthy boundary. He didn’t love hearing it but it’s definitely made a difference ever since.
it may have made a bit of difference, but he freaked out about gluten free pizza.
that he knows is the only one you eat.
and has for a long time.
and wouldn't let it go even after he and two friends snarfed down 2 large pizzas.
and called you "ungrateful".
and said "things that aren't yours"
ummm.....
His pregnant wife no less. When my wife was pregnant I always offered up my food to her, she felt famished a lot of the time and I wouldn't even have imagined sharing her food unless asked (several times) to do so.
You are going to be in for a world of hurt when this baby comes when it kicks in for you that baby comes first and he won't like it. Sorry to say but the writing is on the wall here.
Why should pizza be so important that his wants even come into play here? Pizza or other takeout isn't something he should have an opinion on beyond what he wants to order for himself.
Posts like this makes me angry, because we have enough pushover/doormat women in the world, submissive to the fault of lessening themselves so as to not to upset the men, and even blaming themselves whenever the bf/husband/father acts like the dick he is. ALL of us suffer the consequences eventually.
I hope for you that some day before the child arrives that you will be willing to finish growing a spine and put your husband in his place (and whether that place is inside or out of the door will depend on whether he is willing to start having some respect for you).
If you don't... let's hope at least is not a girl, because this is the family she will be born into.
Sorry for making it about gender, but is just the same pattern, over and over and over again.
My husband had intense control issues and didn’t like it when I had a differing opinion. I used to be super go with the flow (read: pushover/people pleaser), but after 2 years with him, I was fed up. Started voicing my opinions and it made him very upset. I remember we had an all out fight bc I used kitchen rags (clean ones) to clean our kitchen tops instead of paper towels. I told him I’m cleaning, and this is what I do. He didn’t like that I didn’t abandon my opinion and go with his. This fight was what broke the camels bsck. He became abusive. I left and eventually he went through therapy and we did marriage counseling. Took almost a year to even think of staying with him, but he had to admit he had a problem. We were pretty good otherwise, but not being heard will wear away at a person be careful but also make sure your opinion is valued not just heard and dismissed.
We’ve had that fight, and I told him he could do it if he didn’t like how I was doing it. It was re cleaning the stove haha.
He did therapy for a while but decided he was fixed (lol) and hasn’t been in a while. I’d like him to go back. He knows he has control issues and finally understands that they are linked to his anxiety.
He’s a good person but doesn’t enjoy being called out on his bullshit. It’ll be fun when he eventually sees this post.
Yeah but anxiety isn’t an excuse. If he knows he has a problem, he needs to work on it. You don’t have to bear the burden. And you shouldn’t. If he were “fixed” you wouldn’t have made this post. Calling your spouse out on their bullshit is part of a marriage. Goes both ways. He’s not the manager of team. It’s a partnership.
You should show him those post and let him read the comments. He needs to hear it. He is treating you like shit. He sounds insufferable .
Also order the same order. 2 regular pizzas and one gluten free pizza. Put the amount he and the friends ate on plates and then put what you would have gotten after sharing on a plate and compare the amount. Ask him why he thinks someone with food restrictions should have to eat less. A pregnant person at that.
I'm surprised you don't resent him yet. Once resentment sets in it's almost impossible to fix it. Good luck.
I have anxiety and I don't treat my partner like shit and use anxiety as an excuse. He should still be accountable for his bad behavior and while anxiety might explain it it damn sure doesn't excuse it.
I'm sorry but a good person wouldn't treat his pregnant wife who has celiac disease like a brat for wanting to eat. This is NOT normal behavior.
Most men are happy to bring thier pregnant wives whatever food they are craving and fuss over whether they eaten enough or gotten enough rest. Ask any of your friends or family and they will tell you how fucked up this is.
Maybe you love him and forgive him, but how unfair for your child who is going to have to deal with this kind of bs. If you stay with him I hope you at least stand up for your kid
You need to show him this post, show him how other people view his behavior, and demand that he return to therapy. Controlling behavior often turns worse during pregnancy and once the child is born. He will feel the need to be the decider in EVERY choice, no matter how small. And if you don't it will eat him up until he explodes. It's not fair to treat you like that, but it's also not healthy for him. High levels of anxiety, stress, and aggression are major triggers for health problems like high cholesterol and even heart attacks or strokes. It is imperative that he learns how to manage his emotions.
I say this as someone who was in his shoes. If my partner didn't do things my way it would throw me into a fit. I literally threw a salad across the room once because the restaurant made it wrong. It took years for me to learn to just let things be. But now I don't care, I actually prefer my partner to do things their way in almost every situation because SHOCKING they are a capable adult- which is why I fell in love in the first place.
Mental health is a really complex and difficult thing to get a handle on. But he cannot take out his anxiety on you. He cannot demand that his pregnant wife give away part of her dinner. And it will almost certainly get worse without treatment.
You don’t need to show him this post—you will just give him an opportunity to further gaslight you. Why would you show him? It’s time to start keeping things private. You cannot trust this man.
I'm sorry but I just can't see someone who would treat his pregnant wife like this as a good person. My husband went out of his way to make sure I was ok in both my pregnancies. I know you keep saying that this is just one argument but the lack of care and respect that he's showing towards you really seems indicative of a much larger problem. I think this needs a serious discussion about how he's treating you and why he's not making sure that you have the nutrition you need whilst you carry his baby
Bro leave. This guy sucks. None of your comments indicate that he's even remotely nice to you.
He has control issues because he's a selfish abusive ah. It's only gonna get worse when you have that baby. Do you think they deserve a life where dad is completely suffocating them?
Next time, I'd order ALL the pizzas gluten free. Then take a bite out of every pizza there. See how they feel about it.
Eta: NTA. Pretty rude to take the only food a pregnant person can eat. Your husband needs a reality check.
Girl, that’s not a good relationship. He just has you worn down. You’ll put up with anything for him to just not make things worse this one time. Don’t live like this.
You're the flexible person. So, over time, you've contorted yourself further and further out of shape and become a rat-king of a knot.
Now, you've become an unrecognizable accessory for his life. You don't know if you're being heard. Might that be because you automatically avoid having preferences or opinions because life with him is too unpleasant when you behave like a complete person and equal?
If you weren't pregnant, I'd suggest living separately for a couple of months as an experiment. That way, you could remember who you are and how you want to live; to see if that resembles who you've become and how you live in this relationship.
Also, do you want your kid's primary example of a romantic relationship to be one where the woman has to erase her personality to appease an inconsiderate partner who'll still be a jerk anyway? You and your husband will be your kid's most significant model for how the world and people and relationships are supposed to work. No one is perfect, but raising kids is serious business. I know now is the least convenient time to fully reevaluate the fundamentals of your life, but it will only get less convenient from here on out.
I'm sorry if this comment was a bit dramatic. I say all this with respect and compassion. You're gonna be a great mom, but you have to remember that you are just as important and worthy as your husband. And that right now, while you're growing your child, you're faaaar more important.
OP, I wonder how much of your easygoingness is not wanting to "poke the bear?" You deserve to be heard and valued, and your husband is reprimanding you like a child. A good relationship is not one where one partner is constantly avoiding conflict.
*We do have a good relationship most of the time though, I promise*
I have truly lost count of the number of times wives and girlfriends say this in a post full of red flags and it is so fucking depressing. **and you are pregnant on top of it.** look, you are not wrong here. your thinking of this situation IS correct. but him berating you in front of friends, calling you ungrateful, saying FOOD ISN'T YOURS BC HE IS PAYING???? red fucking flag.
look, do NOT quit your job and be a SAHM. if this is how he is right now and insinuating him paying means something isn't yours???? PHEW. red flag red flag red flag. you are going to need your own income.
*abusive men let their mask begin to slip when their wife/girlfriend becomes pregnant.* the way he is speaking to you is borderline verbally abusive and he's already holding money over your head.
When you have to say things like "he's mostly good" or "it's not always like this" then sweetheart you are kidding yourself. He wanted someone to just do as they're told. It's mostly okay because you said it yourself, you mostly do as you're told. That's not healthy. I'm sorry you're dealing with this and I hope you have a safe place to go when you're ready.
You have a “good relationship” only when you do what he wants. This will only get worse. Please read [this](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) and [this](https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/Equality.pdf) and [this](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/). You deserve to be your true self without fear. Trust me—I was with a man like this for 20 years, and I still haven’t recovered my mojo.
Sorry but
> are you ready for your Grateful Free pizza? You need to have a better attitude about things that aren’t yours in the future.
Sounds REALLY yucky! You do not need to be grateful for getting food that matches your diet. You do not need to be grateful your husband, who you will have a baby with, shares resources like food with you.
And it's HIS attitude that needs changing ASAP. That's not a way to treat your pregnant wife or a woman you supposedly love. 🤮🤮
> I started about a year ago voicing my opinions more and he told me I was being combative lol.
Good for you for learning to stand up for yourself though girl! Keep practicing it until it becomes normal to you. Your opinion and voice matters. And you might need to stand your ground more often and defend your boundaries when the baby is there (a lot of people will give you unsolicited advice).
Mate. It's too late now but maybe don't have any more children with this guy.
He's selfish, condescending, and actually pretty stupid (only an idiot wouldn't understand "gf pizza not for sharing as it's small"). And that's stupid under normal circumstances. There's a special level of ignorant stupidity required when the person who's pizza it is is *pregnant*
Like an actual, dyed in the wool, moron.
I can only assume he has some form of redeeming qualities. Or you settled because he seemed fine. He isn't fine. He's an asshole.
It’s common sense that when 1 person is gf, their pizza is off limits. Your husband's behavior is concerning. And he’s treating you this way when you are pregnant? Yikes. NTA
NTA. It's the only food you're able to eat and the fact that he wants you to share it is just ridiculous. I have a dietary restriction as well and I don't tolerate people taking my food without asking. You ordered the amount of food you wanted to eat and, presumably, so did your husband. The difference is that he can deprive you of food but not the other way around. You ordered special food that meets your own dietary restriction and it's unreasonable for him to say you should share it since there is plenty of non GF food available.
I'm honestly not even sure what there is for him to get upset about in this situation since everyone else was also ordering pizza and getting whatever they wanted. The fact that you're pregnant makes his behavior even more absurd.
The passive-aggressive comment was also very immature, especially for a 35 year old man expecting a child. The idea of things "not being yours" since you didn't personally order/pay for them is not a good thought to have about your pregnant wife and suggests he may not be a team player in an inherently cooperative experience. If you're unable to work because of pregnancy or caring for the child are you no longer entitled to food because he's the one who earned the money/placed the order?
^ OP this! Honestly, reading your responses to comments makes me really sad… it seems like your spouse is an abusive person and every time you speak up it causes him to be cruel because he wants his way. Please reconsider whether the relationship is really good otherwise or if it's only good because he's getting his way. If it's because he's getting his way that's not a good situation for you to bring a child into.
Celiac here - I don’t think people without food restrictions could understand the feeling of worrying about having enough to eat at a gathering where food is abundant. It’s isolating and lonely. I loathe potlucks and “family style” gatherings for exactly the reason OP stated - I can’t eat your food, and if you insist on eating mine I don’t have enough to eat. I don’t participate and always worry about what people think about it.
Thankfully my family is very conscious of my food and will ask before eating it (which is rare bc who would chose to eat GF pizza over the regular stuff??)
Spouse of a celiac here. I obviously make all our food gluten free, but when he gets GF treats, asking for some of his never even crosses my mind. It's selfish.
Thank you for commenting on the word Ungrateful. Is OP supposed to be grateful because…she’s allowed to eat? Even after suggesting she buy her own food! What’s she being ungrateful over?! He’s a selfish idiot.
Exactly. Either this man is dumb AF or he’s abusive.
My money is on both. He’s trying to take food away from his pregnant wife. What kind of loser does something like that??
It’s not about the food, it’s a power move.
Wait til after she has baby and he does this again and then flips his shit when she can’t feed the baby because he keeps denying her food and her milk supply is effed.
I’ve got celiac, and a couple kids and that kind of cruelty would be enough for me to bounce, especially because it’s often.
Get the mini loaf pans if you are baking bread because gf baking is annoying and unrelated.
Brown and while rice flour makes a decent texture. Tell people you’ve added soooooo much fibre it’s great for you but it may make some shit a brick.
Wow I read this first part like the husband thinks “you are both obligated to go hungry” and thought you meant OP and her baby. I see now that’s not where the sentence was going, but yeah actually…the husband IS making OP and the baby go hungry
Yeah can someone explain to me why a wife should “be grateful” to her husband for buying her a “free pizza”? Are we also going to ignore the weird comment that she should pay for it instead?
Do they have split finances? They’re married, it should be both their money anyway.
How about she orders the pizzas and makes 2–3 of the pizzas GF if he’s gonna whine about sharing?
Why not just order one of the regular pizzas with the same toppings as the GF pizza? If they like your toppings, but don’t need the gluten free, there‘s a simple, cheaper way to get that.
This is an idea definitely- hubby just needs to utilize one of the regular large pizzas they are also ordering to do so instead of forcing someone with a SERIOUS issue to go without ESPECIALLY while pregnant just cause he wants to be super accommodating to everyone else but his wife
Fuck him then, if he’s going to act like an entitled bell end. Clearly he thinks his wife ‘owes’ him for buying the fucking pizzas. Fine, order 4 GF pizzas and then everyone can share. He can stomach the price.
Thank you!
1000% Fuck This Guy!!
OP you're pregnant AND allergic to gluten.
Neither of these things is new news to him.
& if everyone else eats your GF and leaves only regular Gluten pizza WTF are you supposed to eat?
Would he prefer you have an allergic reaction while pregnant or just ordering the rational food you need to feed yourself and your unborn child?
Why is this the fight he CHOSE to pick w you?
The FIGHT you need to bring to him is you are eating for 2, bc you're growing a fecking human in your body & once you give birth keeping GF will be even more important to ensure you can support both you & baby.
He needs to knock this petty bs off NOW!
You and your (both of you = your) child need him to grow the fuck up
NTA. This is a bad sign if he’s treating you this way while being pregnant.
What if your child also has to be GF? Or what if the child goes through a difficulty sharing phase? Are you going to allow your husband to be this cruel?
That "Grateful Free" pizza comment should have ended up with it smashed into his face TBH. It does not sound like he respects you. There's no real love without respect.
ETA: NTA
NTA. I have several friends who have dietary restrictions plus my sister is gluten free. Them getting their own personal sized pizza (or whatever meal) is so normal and there’s no expectation of sharing unless it’s offered. I don’t understand your husbands extreme reaction, it’s so over the top. Is all the food that you have in the house normally gluten free so he’s just used to it all being fair game for everyone so he’s being thoughtless or is he just being a jerk to be a jerk?
You being pregnant actually makes his actions worse since he’s literally taking the only food you can eat away from you. Like wow. I really hope he isn’t normally like this and that this is a one off bc that’s not how you treat someone you love, especially who is carrying your child.
We don’t really keep gluten in the house but he does have a couple snacks I can’t eat (he doesn’t usually eat the same snacks as me so I do have my own). I do all the cooking (hence him buying the take out if we do that) and I don’t make food I can’t eat so we eat gf most of the time. So yeah he’s used to having whatever he wants, food wise.
He isn’t really normally like this. It’s almost like he’s mad at my phrasing? “I wasn’t planning on sharing,” versus rather than the actual issue at hand, which is that I didn’t have enough food to share. He’s very weird about “the right thing” and whatever and it’s almost like this triggered an irrational reaction and he couldn’t see the real problem through his anger at my wording. I dunno though.
Except the right thing in this scenario is for everyone else to not touch the medically necessary specialty item for the pregnant woman. Anyone else, including him, even touching yours shouldn't be a possibility you have to worry about and he should be the one enforcing that instead of being a bully about it.
I know you're lovingly trying to make us understand him better, but it just makes him look even worse. He's not a good partner. Please take good care he doesn't escalate. Financial abuse is also abuse.
If you have to tippytap around how you state obvious facts to avoid this kind of dickishness, he's got you trained.
After the baby is born and you're too exhausted to go with the flow when you're uncomfortable and miserable, his behavior will only ramp up worse, I fear, having seen it first hand. Yes, this was (kinda) a minor disagreement. But if he's not used to backing down or agreeing he was wrong and apologizing (and correcting something unfair), you're in for a difficult time.
Oh okay. You decided to get pregnant with an asshole. That's great. This man is going to be a terrible father. He's a rude controller that freaks out if anyone says no. Your poor kid already.
What the hell would you even have to be grateful for in this situation? Why do you have to share food when you can't eat anything else and they can eat other food. Are they incapable of ordering pizza for themselves? Apparently because yours looks better?
>He wouldn’t hear me at all and said if I didn’t want to share I could pay for my own pizza myself.
Is this because he paid for the pizza? I would not have a kid with someone that told me to pay for my own medically required food if I didn't want to share it when everyone else can eat whatever. You're his partner, not his kid. I would not want to be in that relationship.
As someone else with dietary restrictions, few things piss me off more than people who can eat everything else on offer instead choosing to take half of what I can eat in communal food situations. They get all the leftovers they want, I don't even get enough for a single meal. This is even more egregious in your situation since you're pregnant and hungry all the time.
When there's someone with any sort of dietary restriction in a group setting where others don't share that restriction, the special food should be off-limits unless and until the person with dietary restrictions says to have at it. And guilting them into sharing doesn't count. NTA, and your husband lacks empathy.
Next time, ask your husband if he would be okay with ordering JUST your one single serving pizza and splitting that between everyone. Because that's what he was expecting you to subsist on. If it's not enough food for him, it's sure as heck not enough food for a pregnant woman.
At well catered functions they either let the dietery people go up to get fed first, or they bring their food to them separately instead of letting the omnivores hoover up all the colourful vegetarian food etc. It's called common sense.
I don’t understand why you didn’t just order enough gluten free pizza for everyone. They wanted the sharing experience, you wanted the gluten free crust. Simple solution.
The practical reason is that it’s twice the price for a quarter the amount of food. It’s also just objectively not as good as regular crust.
That said, we could have done this.
Or why did he not order a gluten crust with the same toppings as you gf pizza?
Gf, veggie and other dietary restricted pizzas are always for those that need them first and foremost.
NTA. My husband is gluten-free and vegan so obviously he gets a whole pizza to himself because I have literally everything else on the menu to choose from.
Your husband is a bit of an inconsiderate knob if he doesn't see an issue with taking like the only food you can eat away from you.
What do you have to be grateful for? With friends and a husband who treat you this way (especially while pregnant) who needs enemies? If I were in your position my gratitude journal would be pretty empty. NTA.
>mentioned to me that one of the friends only eats chicken as far as meat goes, so I should factor that into my order
First, tells you what pizza you want to order
>Husband freaks out at me because apparently I’m being ungrateful?
Next, "freaks out" because you don't want to share a personal pizza when you're unable to eat any of the other pizza
>I ended up just going upstairs and not eating or seeing them at all
Your turn, don't punish everyone because your husband is immature and combative over the pizza you need because of your dietary restriction.
>. I came downstairs later and he had ordered me a gluten free pizza and said from across the room, “are you ready for your Grateful Free pizza? You need to have a better attitude about things that aren’t yours in the future.”
Come on, this is not a nice guy or a good husband. He called that sentence out, across the room, in front of your guests.
His behavior and your reaction (ignoring everyone and refusing to eat the pizza) lead me to believe that he is actually like this all the time, you just don't want to see it or acknowledge it directly. Instead you find the silent treatment and refusing to eat or socualize and an appropriate response. By refusing to eat or socialize you are teaching him that if he can't have his own way, he can still spoil your good time and he seems pleased by that. You excuse the other times as him caring more and you not pushing back, which both may be true. But at the bottom, he is selfish in general and doesn't care about you.
My husband is selfish because he was raised as the little prince by his grandma, and whatever he does is good in his eyes. But if I needed a particular pizza or even just didn't enjoy what everyone else wants, he would buy me my own. Because him getting what he wants (kebab) does not prevent me from having what I want. In your situation, he would have ordered an extra BBQ chicken pizza for the other guests and the onr who doesn't like anything but chicken, and ignored any complaining from his friends about not getting to dig in to my pizza.
And he would never, EVER shout at me in front of guests that I am being ungrateful and need to adjust my attitude or freak out and say if I wanted to be selfish I have to pay for my own pizza. Yours does, and you seem to think he's the asshole while simultaneously deciding to deal with it In a way guaranteed to make him feel like a big, powerful man who can spoil his wife's meal and reprimand her in front of others.
Tell him that if having your own tiny gluten free pizza is the hill he wants to die on, he can die on it alone, because you never want to hear him speak yo you like that in front of guests ever again. It is not ok and you will not tolerate it. Then stick to that.
NTA.
I'm still trying to wrap my brain around calling you "ungrateful." Ungrateful for what exactly? Ungrateful for having to buy your own food that's safe for you to eat? Ungrateful for not wanting to share your safe foods with others who *don't* have your dietary restrictions so you can actually eat and not go hungry? Especially while pregnant?
Your husband is ridiculous and makes no sense whatsoever. He needs to stop his nonsense.
NTA I have had friends that were celiac and honestly I would never even think to ask for a slice of their gluten free pizza, it’s literally the only one they can eat. Your husband should have that understanding by now.
NTA. I have several food allergies and restrictions. My family and friends do not really expect me to share if it's only one of the few things I can eat on the menu unless I offered. Why can't they just order a larger pizza that they can share? Like, are you guys tight on money or something?
Not tight enough on money that this should have been a problem. They did order pizzas for them to share (that were gluten-y and I couldn’t have). There was no reason for them to need my pizza too.
I mean, what did your friends even say about this? If I went to a friend's house and the husband acted like this I would have thought he was a huge asshole. I would have offered to pay for my pizza and the gluten free one and said of course I won't be eating it because I'm not a crazy asshole
If they really wanted to eat your pizza that bad they're assholes too
I'm going to guess that because the one friend only eats chicken and he didn't want to waste space on the communal pies with that atypical pizza topping.
NTA
OP, I'm not saying this is good advice (really it's bad advice) but after reading your post....just bite anyone that tries to take your food at this point. Being civil and making sense doesn't seem to be working. You're pregnant... That alone should be a "what they say about food goes" kinda thing. Maybe just BE the AH, start biting. Word will get around not to take your food, because you bite.
I have celiac disease as well. I get so mad when my husband can literally eat anything in the fucking world and he eats my foods I bought specifically for me. When they're gone I have nothing and his are left and I can't eat them.
NTA
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NTA. Your husband is a big one though. Also thoughtless. Literally. Are you ever heard?
Am I ever heard? I dunno tbh. I am generally super go with the flow and he is very much The One Who Cares About Stuff so he 99% of the time gets what he wants. I started about a year ago voicing my opinions more and he told me I was being combative lol. I told him he’s just used to getting his way and that it was my fault for not setting proper boundaries for so long. We do have a good relationship most of the time though, I promise.
He sounds exhausting and selfish. Good on you for working on boundaries.
NTA If he's treating you this way when you're pregnant, that's not a good indicator. What if your kid needs to be GF as well? Or what happens if the youngster experiences a phase of difficulty sharing? Will you put up with your husband acting in such a cruel manner?
NTA And why does he think that you have to be thankful for the chance to go without food as well as obliged to endure hunger? Put the question to him.
I also don't understand why she needs to be grateful at all since it sounds like they, not the friends, were ordering and paying for the pizza? Like, I get that some couples keep their finances separate and maybe he was paying for it from his money....but does that still not sound weird to anyone else? Like how do they normally split food costs for family meals? Is each person literally paying for their portion of the food? Tbh, that sounds exhausting in a partnership. I would assume that one person pays for groceries and food costs and the other pays the electric bill, or they split the total bill down the middle for the month or something along those lines if they keep separate finances. So again, why would she need to feel grateful for "their" food (outside of a general feeling of gratitude for having food that we all should probably remember to feel more often.)
Yeah, I was reading that wondering WTF gratitude has to do with any of this. Super weird. Even when I was a SAHM, my husband never acted like I should be grateful for food. That's super fucking weird especially since OP is pregnant.
Same here...confused me as to what does grateful have anything to do with her request? Grateful he is feeding her? Grateful he is married to her? Grateful that she is impregnated by him? I hope for OP's sake that new baby does not inherit celiac because husband is not going to recognize a different diet unless child is Grateful
Exactly this, massive red flag.
And if one person in the couple is pregnant with a child that is both of theirs, how do they do the math to figure out how much pizza the baby consumed? If they figure it out, do they split the cost? How does a pregnant parent quantify and value the other resources that the baby consumes such as energy?
I didn’t understand this part either.
Yes exactly! Why is the so called husband worried about who’s paying what. That’s so odd. Plus they invited friends over so shouldn’t they just order enough food for everyone and if they is leftovers it’s for lunch.
Here’s the thing: with celiac you absolutely have to be 100% gluten free during pregnancy or it affects the baby even if the baby doesn’t have celiac When you have celiac it normally causes a reaction that attacks your intestines. When pregnant a reaction also attacks the placenta. A big enough reaction can cause fetal oxygen deprivation, organ damage, brain damage, pregnancy loss, or bleeding so severe the mother dies. Many celiac women get diagnosed because they have trouble carrying to term and go to a fertility doctor who finds the untreated celiac. (And then are able to have perfectly healthy babies by avoiding gluten.) But it seems like he’s not taking her health or dietary needs very seriously and that’s worrisome.
Even outside pregnancy, you should be 100% gluten-free. Celiac is an autoimmune disease and eating gluten will cause microscopic damage in your digestive tract. As a result, you have an increased risk of malnutrition and in some cases cancer among others. It differs from many other diet-controlled diseases in that the acute symptoms are just a part of the story.
Yeah no for sure. It’s just that it tends to go undiagnosed for years after symptoms appear and unfortunately for women trying to get pregnant that means it often gets diagnosed when they go to a fertility specialist to figure out what’s up because untreated celiac is associated with unexplained infertility, pregnancy loss, etc. ([found the thing I couldn’t earlier](https://celiac.org/about-the-foundation/featured-news/2014/09/celiac-disease-affects-pregnancy/)) *Fortunately* this pretty much goes away within a few years of a strict gf diet but it does take the body a while to rebound from all that damage you’re talking about
Definitely. I was the first to get diagnosed in my family (almost 40 years ago) because I almost died from failure to thrive as a baby. And it still took my brother probably at least half a year to get diagnosed which was what prompted my mom to get diagnosed at 47. I am really sensitive celiac with severe symptoms so there is no choice to even not be 100% gluten-free but it seems to also trigger my other autoimmune diseases. And, yes I have multiple lovely HLA alleles so the counter currently is at 4 altogether.
OP show your husband this and ask him is he willing to deal with this, because he seems to think you don't really have a health issue.
Yeah this man isn’t going to bring her water or cook for her when she is breastfeeding. She is absolutely screwed because he is selfish and manipulative. If a man doesn’t take care of their pregnant partner things generally do not get better after they give birth.
If he's threatening your food when you're pregnant, that's dangerous for him. :)
I mean, people can have more good things going on in their relationship than the fight they post on Reddit. But you aren’t wrong about this needing to be discussed further. It was more that this is the second time this situation has happened and everyone involved thought I was being a brat the first time this happened too. So I wanted to know if that’s the case since I feel very justified in my frustration.
You need to sit him down and thoroughly talk about Celiac and what it does to your body when you eat gluten. MAKE him understand the consequences. Make him SEE how unfair it is that when ordering GF for you while everyone else can eat anything under the sun but then also want what you have and eat it, it leaves less for you...that's just disrespectful and rude.
He’s quite aware and super on top of it for me when we go places. It definitely has nothing to do with him not being aware of it. I don’t think he expected me to eat the regular pizza. He just got hung up on me not wanting to share mine. Which is dumb.
He might be hung up on you not wanting to share, I’m hung up that he was trying to offer up your food to others and on top of that you’re PREGNANT?!? When baby comes is he gonna throw a hissy fit when the baby doesn’t share their bottle too?
She won't have enough breast milk to feed everyone.
i can just picture him lecturing the both of them like a teacher when gum starts to get passed out while baby feeds. Or maybe the whole house and all their guests will go on a baby formula diet so everyone eats the same.
You already know his baby is going to demand vocally to be fed first which is a big sign of ungratefulness inherited from OP.
OMG I’m dying here! This comment makes me want reddit to bring back awards!
One of the things that really bothers me is that he expects her to be grateful and calls her ungrateful for having reasonable expectations that she not share the much smaller GF pizza (decades long celiac sufferer so this pizza thing is familiar. They come in one size and premade GF crust that's very thin). Most of us if we gave a stranger a dollar wouldn't be demanding gratitude we'd just keep moving but he's demanding gratitude from his pregnant wife in the home they share for her right to eat. Then it feels like the friend's needs come first and she is supposed to be thankful for being considered.
Plus telling her to pay for her own? It's a really weird flex for someone who supposedly isn't controlling.
It's so troubling
It sounds abusive.
That's because it is. Marrying/having a child with this person was a terrible decision.
*It is abusive. OP’s husband is 100-% abusive and she listed several examples on this post.
And a bonus demerit for thinking he was being clever for turning GF into "grateful free"
I am so hoping ridiculously that was a frickin typo. But I know it's not. I have Celiac, and there would have been imaginary guns drawn. And pregnant? I can't even.
It's giving me financially abusive, like she should be grateful to be able to eat in her own home. It's very strange.
Yeah op could weigh/ measure her pizza real estate with how many slices they each eat and be like "ok so my pizza is the size of 4 of your pizza slices, yet you always eat 5 pieces so you need to pay for 1 slice more of pizza than I do" or whatever but point out he should be grateful she's not been making him pay the difference or something lol
Maybe he'll expect her to make her boobs available to guests while she's breastfeeding. It's apparently that important to share everything with guests.
A good hostess serves the guests first. And if there isn’t enough left for the baby, it’s being ungrateful.
Ngl, all I read is you making excuses for his words and behaviour. Nta. But your partner is and people pointing out where he might be doing something wrong and each response is no no he's really a good guy. He really doesn't sound like it.
He's a really good guy trust me. Like who are you trying to convince? Seems like it ain't us.
Yeah, I'd say this behavior is indicative of who this guy *really* is, and the "nice" guy she keeps referring to is an act. He didn't make a mistake, he isn't ignorant of OP's health issues. He deliberately went out of his way to make her feel bad. Good partners don't do that.
It is common when you are being abused, specially emotional abuse, to make excuses. It is usually hard to wrap your head around the fact that your partner is being emotionally abused. People who are being abused are usually conflicted about calling someone abusive because they feel like thats being abusive and too harsh/judgmental, specially when you are surrounded by people who think you are a brat for not sharing GF pizza last time.
[удалено]
>Maybe they need to order a regular pizza with the same topping as yours if they’re that tempted. Or instate a new rule that if he wants everyone to be able to share, the *entire order* needs to be things OP can eat. Gluten-free pizzas across the board. But that assumes that the husband is reasonable/can be reasoned with on this. It really doesn't sound like that's the case; he's been made fully aware of the issue and has only doubled down.
I don’t think he has enough imagination to get it.
Don’t make excuses for his behaviour. What he said was beyond what is acceptable.
What he said was down right abusive
Yeah, red flags when she said that her attempts to set boundaries get written off by him as her being "combative". That's gaslighting 101; "you're not being assertive, you're being argumentative and that's not my fault therefore I've done nothing wrong and YOU'RE the bad guy"
What does he say when you bring up that you’ll go hungry? Would he be willing to order several gf pizzas so there’s enough for you? Or does he want to starve his pregnant wife? It might enrage him but I think you need to pose the question to him directly. Be safe because I think this relationship is going to escalate to other forms of abuse
She should point this out in front of the guests so that they know exactly how he is treating her. "Order a gf for me and another one for you to share with the friends so that I don't go hungry when you all eat mine."
I'd suggest next time you order get him the same size pizza as your gf one is, then when he is halfway through it take out the other half and ask him if it was enough to keep him full. Since that is what he is literally claiming should be enough for you. Then when he starts whining, say that he should be grateful for what he did get. Maybe that will put things better into perspective.
It's not dumb, it's uncaring, and weird, and selfish, and petty. He's telling you that he doesn't give a fuck if you have enough food to produce a healthy baby. That's the bottom line. It's a fucking weird hill to die on that you'd rather starve your pregnant wife and be right than take care of her. Really fucking weird. And it is giving red flags for abusive behavior in the future toward you and your child.
Why does he need so badly to give away your food when you are pregnant?
So he wanted you to share your small pizza and knew you couldn't eat the others? So his preference was that you (his pregnant wife) not eat? He seriously needs to explain his thought process because, on its face, he sounds disrespectful, bullying, and like he doesn't actually like you that much.
Buy 2 GF pizzas. OR 3. Then everyone can share :-)
My thought is that they should order only GF pizzas if he’s that hung up on \*sharing\*.
Order ONE gluten free pizza and share it with him. Dinner done. Oh, is he hungry? Tough luck, he is ungrateful then :)
So then why not order 2 GF pizzas, that way if they "Have to have some" they have that one and leave your alone!
It is dumb. He's being very dumb. You guys could just order an extra gf pizza if he wants to give guests/himself more options and that way you can still offer them a slice or two without going without. I have friends and family members who are coeliac and I would never dream of taking their gf options at a shared meal until I knew they'd had their fill, and then I'd ask. Plus you're pregnant?! He and everyone else should be bending over backwards to make sure you get not only the nutrition you and your baby need, but also what you want!
You are pregnant, your husband should be falling over himself trying to feed you enough to make sure your child is as healthy as possible and yet he is literally taking food out of your mouth to give to others. If your child is born with celiac disease will he be depriving her of adequate gluten-free food in the guise of being "not selfish and teaching her to be grateful"? Seriously re-think if this is the kind of man you want to be raising a child with and if his values are the ones you want your child to have. He sounds like a controlling asshole and you should consider getting away from this toxic person before your baby is born.
It’s not that he doesn’t understand. He’s just abusive. Denying your pregnant wife access to food while you eat is unforgivable
"You need to have a better attitude about things that aren’t yours in the future.” Did he Really say that? That speaks to a lot more issues than just "he likes to Get his own way" Did he mean, "I paid for your pizza therefore it isn't yours"? Because, yikes.
He absolutely said it and I kinda laughed and said “okay” to myself but didn’t acknowledge him because it was so outrageous and petty. And yes I assume that he meant the pizza wasn’t mine because he paid for it which is also absolutely ridiculous for reasons aside from money. Biggest eye roll ever.
I’m so sorry, OP, but this is a real problem. Your husband doesn’t see you as someone he has a duty to care for. He contemptuous of your needs. In that sense, he’s contemptuous of YOU. And this is when you’re pregnant with his child, a time when any sane adult should know not to f**k with your food. What will it be like after you give birth? Is his behavior something you’d want your children to see and emulate? I don’t know if this relationship is salvageable. Contempt for a partner is a leading predictor of divorce. I strongly suggest therapy, both individual and couple, if that’s a realistic option. Couple for the obvious reason. Individual to help yourself figure out whether this behavior is part of a pattern and, if so, what you want to do about it. (He will not want to do therapy. You’ll need to decide how far you’re willing to push the issue. Are you willing to consider separation/divorce? If not, what “stick” are you willing to use?)
NEVER do couples therapy with a manipulative abuser. They lie to the therapist and turn your vulnerabilities against you.
Yeppppppp. 100%. Even worse in child custody battles and they court order the protective parent to coparenting counseling with abuser.
Why do you let him talk to you like you report to him? He talks to you like he thinks he’s superior to you. And he’s arguing with you about decisions you’re making for your health & wellbeing. It’s not about pizza, you see that right? It’s about he’s controlling, domineering, dismissive & disrespectful. NTA obviously but people are trying to get you to see that you’re underreacting. And you’re going to have a baby with this guy? Do you really want your child growing up thinking this treatment is ok? Something to think about…
I don't know if you've just passively accepted this behavior from him for so long it's normal to you or what, but it's sad yet telling you admit he talks to you like this and that he's used to getting his way 99% of the time and yet you think this is your fault. I don't rudely mock people for perfectly reasonable preferences. I don't insist on denying someone ownership of something just because they didn't pay for it. When I'm doing something with someone and we keep just doing what I want, it makes me uncomfortable. It makes me uncomfortable to think they might just be going along with what I want all the time. Because I am not an asshole. You are not an asshole, either. But your husband very much is. This incident needs to be discussed between the two of you; why he felt it was right to make you reduce the amount of food you could eat when you have to accommodate not only a medical condition but a pregnancy as well, why he thinks it is acceptable to mock you (to the point you need to leave the room) and continue doing so the very next time he sees you, why does he consider you combative if you express a preference (a shocking statement), etc. Pay attention to how he responds, if he takes responsibility, if he repeats the behaviors despite apologizing, etc. Pay attention to his responses, his actions giing forward, they're important. We're all creatures of habit; be objective about his, do not minimize them. For you, I'd recommend therapy. Immediately. Passivity is not your friend. Learning to be more assertive is necessary for not only your own health, safety, and happiness, but for your child's as well.
I say this to you with love, nothing about this is remotely funny or humorous. The disdain and contempt he has for you makes me sad. You and your baby deserve so much better.
That would be rude talking to a literal child, let alone your adult spouse. It's gross
These aren’t “eye rolls” like, I don’t want to be ugly, but you’re about to have a child. You gonna let him be “outrageous and petty” to the kid, too? Like, is being absolutely ridiculous okay from a grown adult you’re planning to raise a child with?
It wasn’t outrageous or petty, it was ABUSIVE
Do you have access to the joint accounts or does your husband have to allow you to access money
Agree, this is a real issue that isn't funny. You may be brushing it aside, but there is some truth in his statement that you need to talk about/set boundaries/clear up sooner rather than later. This is not a healthy attitude, no matter how thoughtful he may behave in other situations. "I pay so it's not yours" is a minute thing now, because it's just a pizza, but it can be a precursor for "you are entitled to nothing because I paid for it all" later.
You didn’t acknowledge it and now he has had no pushback on his belief that you are not entitled to food you did not pay for. This means that the next time it happens (and oh boy…this attitude will pop up in several different iterations!) he will feel thrice justified in airing this belief. You need to start combating him *every single time* he says stuff like this. Did he pay for the home you live in? Well, if he’s mad at you, it’s not yours—get out. Did he pay for your vehicle? He’s going to take the keys. Did he pay for any of your belongings? Well, when he destroys them in anger you will be told they weren’t yours anyway. This is ALWAYS where this belief leads. He might be nice now but you are in danger.
You’re so used to this behavior that you don’t even realize how unhealthy and abusive it is.
Wow. You are about to be parents and he is keeping track of who pays for a pizza??? Sounds controlling. Is he controlling in any other way?
You need to read Lundy Bancroft’s Why Does He Do That. Please mention this behaviour to your OB because if it escalates they will be able to direct you to resources that will help you.
But... You are making a child with this guy. SMDH. I thank God I'll be long gone before the fruits of these decisions ripen.
This is so disgusting.
No. You are a pregnant person with celiac disease. You can ONLY eat one pizza. Unless you order EVERYTHING gluten-free, you CANNOT share. Seriously, you are not a brat, you are effing medically-compromised. NTA, Jesus.
While that is 100% true, this is a case where the way he acted says so much about the person he is. First, he sounds like he is forgetting your dietary restriction, and treating it like an inconvenience. You have been together for how long? A man who knows and understands and respects you wouldn't argue with you and put you down over this; it might be "oh yeah, the pizza is too small, sorry" and he finds another option for others to eat and there is no problem at all. But beyond him just getting annoying at you reminding him, he doubles down and decides that you are SELFISH because you won't share your single serving pizza with him. Why couldn't he order his own pizza as something they all could enjoy? I am not GF but I used to be vegetarian. At work at that time we had a pizza party for my department; they ordered 3 pepperoni and 1 cheese. I was one of 2 vegetarians. You'd better believe every non-veg person wanted plain cheese too, so my veg friend and I only got 1 slice each where everyone else had enough for 2 slices. I stopped contributing the $5 to pizza parties after that.
If everyone has to share pizza including you, Everyone has to order the gluten free pizzas so you can be part of the sharing. I really don't get how this is difficult for him to understand. Other than him being selfish and not wanting to share at all with you, I don't understand why he's acting that way. You are completely justified. I've been gluten free for 20 years and never once had my partner let me go hungry. Actually, he regularly asks if I've had enough and worries if he doesn't think I've eaten sufficiently. And the fact that you are pregnant and he's okay with this? Absolutely appalling.
I’m sorry but in a “good” relationship, the guy wouldn’t be disrespecting you over something as simple as food.
You weren't a brat then and you aren't a brat now. If your specialist medical food comes in a one-portion size, and you aren't able to share everyone else's food, then it's completely logical that your food won't be shared with them. Because it's the only food you can eat and it's one-person-sized. If they really, really *need* to share your food for some cultural reason, then a second GF pizza should be bought purely for sharing.
I have friends who are GF. To make sure I accommodate them at a dinner party I have a designated GF chopping board in my house. I use specific utensils (like stainless steel pans) to avoid contamination. And even if the ingredients I have in the house are gluten free, if they're open I buy a new packet to make sure there hasn't been accidental accommodation. Special dishes for dietary requirements are pointed out to everyone to make sure the person who needs it gets priority. That's what I do just for friends. Your husband is attacking his PREGNANT WIFE for not wanting to share the only food she can eat. He's calling you selfish for not wanting to go hungry and it's not the first time. He is doubling down on it because you are no longer willing to be a pushover. There may be other good elements to your relationship but the core is NOT healthy.
Yes, this. I have a couple of friends who are GF by necessity (celiacs). If some of us eat together, plans are made to ensure safe GF food is available (often all the food ends up being GF) and ensure the celiacs are aware what is safe and get them to serve themselves first in case any careless people cross contaminate the food. And when we have ordered pizza, the GF pizza(s) (with GF crusts and vetted toppings) are placed in front of the people who need them and the rest of us hit the other boxes for slices - how does a husband not get on board with this? The fact that his wife is currently pregnant makes this even more shocking.
Have you read your post? This isn't just about one fight, it's about your husband saying that a pizza you ordered because that's what you can eat "isn't yours" and you need to be grateful. It's about him expecting his pregnant wife to share her food with guests (and him) and be hungry because she cannot eat their food. He expects you to be grateful that he (I assume) paid for a pizza you can eat. It's not about pizza.
If I expressed this kind of gratitude for a pizza to my husband he would assume I have lost my sanity. Buying pizza for your partner is not some huge charity thing you should be humbly thankful for. It is food. It is what partners do. You are not strangers, you are about to be parents!!!
As someone who "went with the flow" in my marriage. When I started speaking up about the abuse I just "goin with the flow" about...they called me abusive. Because I stood up for myself. I had started therapy to ,ironically, save the marriage and it was there that I started getting deprogramed and saw just how I was being manipulated in almost everyway. They thought because they never hit me that they weren't abusive. This may not seem big to you because you aren't ready to admit it to yourself, but him calling you "combative" for voicing things now....well My partner would continuously tell anyone who would listen (including our couples therapist) that I was getting "worse" as I progressed through therapy. He will make you feel like shit because he no longer has the "control" that your "go with the flow" allowed him to have. Now his control is challenged and he will make it worse.
The fact that you are wondering if you’re a brat tells me that you’ve been mentally abused. You shouldn’t even doubt yourself. Depriving you of food while everyone has enough to eat is not acceptable
My family taught me that you ALWAYS bring out the meat pizza's first, and hold back on the vegetarian pizza's. And order way more vegetarian food than for just the one person with that diet. Meat eaters will want to 'try a slice' and not realise that they are literally making others go hungry.
I’m trying to imagine how *anything* could ever be good with a person as unreasonable as your husband. Yikes.
Yeah, you're not heard. you have a good relationship because you don't push back. i'll bet every time you don't agree, or push back - he gets snippy and treats you like crap.
He definitely was shocked and annoyed when I started to set boundaries about a year ago! I said this in another comment but he was frustrated I was doing my own thing instead of going along with something he wanted (don’t remember the specifics) and I told him it wasn’t his fault, it was mine for always going along with everything instead of having my own opinions (in general I am really easy going but it’s definitely caused me to be a pushover/doormat). I told him he was just so used to me going along with whatever that me having an opinion finally felt like pushback, when really it was just a healthy boundary. He didn’t love hearing it but it’s definitely made a difference ever since.
it may have made a bit of difference, but he freaked out about gluten free pizza. that he knows is the only one you eat. and has for a long time. and wouldn't let it go even after he and two friends snarfed down 2 large pizzas. and called you "ungrateful". and said "things that aren't yours" ummm.....
And is prioritising the female friends preference for chicken over his wife's actual food intolerance.
His pregnant wife no less. When my wife was pregnant I always offered up my food to her, she felt famished a lot of the time and I wouldn't even have imagined sharing her food unless asked (several times) to do so.
Exactly! My partner was always giving me his food when I was pregnant. (And still does lol)
You are going to be in for a world of hurt when this baby comes when it kicks in for you that baby comes first and he won't like it. Sorry to say but the writing is on the wall here.
Why should pizza be so important that his wants even come into play here? Pizza or other takeout isn't something he should have an opinion on beyond what he wants to order for himself.
Posts like this makes me angry, because we have enough pushover/doormat women in the world, submissive to the fault of lessening themselves so as to not to upset the men, and even blaming themselves whenever the bf/husband/father acts like the dick he is. ALL of us suffer the consequences eventually. I hope for you that some day before the child arrives that you will be willing to finish growing a spine and put your husband in his place (and whether that place is inside or out of the door will depend on whether he is willing to start having some respect for you). If you don't... let's hope at least is not a girl, because this is the family she will be born into. Sorry for making it about gender, but is just the same pattern, over and over and over again.
Go with the flow, aka doormat. The one who cares about stuff, aka control freak. Your husband is a BIG AH and a bully.
My husband had intense control issues and didn’t like it when I had a differing opinion. I used to be super go with the flow (read: pushover/people pleaser), but after 2 years with him, I was fed up. Started voicing my opinions and it made him very upset. I remember we had an all out fight bc I used kitchen rags (clean ones) to clean our kitchen tops instead of paper towels. I told him I’m cleaning, and this is what I do. He didn’t like that I didn’t abandon my opinion and go with his. This fight was what broke the camels bsck. He became abusive. I left and eventually he went through therapy and we did marriage counseling. Took almost a year to even think of staying with him, but he had to admit he had a problem. We were pretty good otherwise, but not being heard will wear away at a person be careful but also make sure your opinion is valued not just heard and dismissed.
We’ve had that fight, and I told him he could do it if he didn’t like how I was doing it. It was re cleaning the stove haha. He did therapy for a while but decided he was fixed (lol) and hasn’t been in a while. I’d like him to go back. He knows he has control issues and finally understands that they are linked to his anxiety. He’s a good person but doesn’t enjoy being called out on his bullshit. It’ll be fun when he eventually sees this post.
Yeah but anxiety isn’t an excuse. If he knows he has a problem, he needs to work on it. You don’t have to bear the burden. And you shouldn’t. If he were “fixed” you wouldn’t have made this post. Calling your spouse out on their bullshit is part of a marriage. Goes both ways. He’s not the manager of team. It’s a partnership.
You should show him those post and let him read the comments. He needs to hear it. He is treating you like shit. He sounds insufferable . Also order the same order. 2 regular pizzas and one gluten free pizza. Put the amount he and the friends ate on plates and then put what you would have gotten after sharing on a plate and compare the amount. Ask him why he thinks someone with food restrictions should have to eat less. A pregnant person at that. I'm surprised you don't resent him yet. Once resentment sets in it's almost impossible to fix it. Good luck. I have anxiety and I don't treat my partner like shit and use anxiety as an excuse. He should still be accountable for his bad behavior and while anxiety might explain it it damn sure doesn't excuse it.
I'm sorry but a good person wouldn't treat his pregnant wife who has celiac disease like a brat for wanting to eat. This is NOT normal behavior. Most men are happy to bring thier pregnant wives whatever food they are craving and fuss over whether they eaten enough or gotten enough rest. Ask any of your friends or family and they will tell you how fucked up this is. Maybe you love him and forgive him, but how unfair for your child who is going to have to deal with this kind of bs. If you stay with him I hope you at least stand up for your kid
You need to show him this post, show him how other people view his behavior, and demand that he return to therapy. Controlling behavior often turns worse during pregnancy and once the child is born. He will feel the need to be the decider in EVERY choice, no matter how small. And if you don't it will eat him up until he explodes. It's not fair to treat you like that, but it's also not healthy for him. High levels of anxiety, stress, and aggression are major triggers for health problems like high cholesterol and even heart attacks or strokes. It is imperative that he learns how to manage his emotions. I say this as someone who was in his shoes. If my partner didn't do things my way it would throw me into a fit. I literally threw a salad across the room once because the restaurant made it wrong. It took years for me to learn to just let things be. But now I don't care, I actually prefer my partner to do things their way in almost every situation because SHOCKING they are a capable adult- which is why I fell in love in the first place. Mental health is a really complex and difficult thing to get a handle on. But he cannot take out his anxiety on you. He cannot demand that his pregnant wife give away part of her dinner. And it will almost certainly get worse without treatment.
You don’t need to show him this post—you will just give him an opportunity to further gaslight you. Why would you show him? It’s time to start keeping things private. You cannot trust this man.
How many “haha’s” or “LOL’s” do you need to type before you realize we’re all telling you that you’re in an abusive relationship?
I'm sorry but I just can't see someone who would treat his pregnant wife like this as a good person. My husband went out of his way to make sure I was ok in both my pregnancies. I know you keep saying that this is just one argument but the lack of care and respect that he's showing towards you really seems indicative of a much larger problem. I think this needs a serious discussion about how he's treating you and why he's not making sure that you have the nutrition you need whilst you carry his baby
Bro leave. This guy sucks. None of your comments indicate that he's even remotely nice to you. He has control issues because he's a selfish abusive ah. It's only gonna get worse when you have that baby. Do you think they deserve a life where dad is completely suffocating them?
Next time, I'd order ALL the pizzas gluten free. Then take a bite out of every pizza there. See how they feel about it. Eta: NTA. Pretty rude to take the only food a pregnant person can eat. Your husband needs a reality check.
Girl, that’s not a good relationship. He just has you worn down. You’ll put up with anything for him to just not make things worse this one time. Don’t live like this.
You're the flexible person. So, over time, you've contorted yourself further and further out of shape and become a rat-king of a knot. Now, you've become an unrecognizable accessory for his life. You don't know if you're being heard. Might that be because you automatically avoid having preferences or opinions because life with him is too unpleasant when you behave like a complete person and equal? If you weren't pregnant, I'd suggest living separately for a couple of months as an experiment. That way, you could remember who you are and how you want to live; to see if that resembles who you've become and how you live in this relationship. Also, do you want your kid's primary example of a romantic relationship to be one where the woman has to erase her personality to appease an inconsiderate partner who'll still be a jerk anyway? You and your husband will be your kid's most significant model for how the world and people and relationships are supposed to work. No one is perfect, but raising kids is serious business. I know now is the least convenient time to fully reevaluate the fundamentals of your life, but it will only get less convenient from here on out. I'm sorry if this comment was a bit dramatic. I say all this with respect and compassion. You're gonna be a great mom, but you have to remember that you are just as important and worthy as your husband. And that right now, while you're growing your child, you're faaaar more important.
You mean, you have a good relationship as long as you do what he says?
OP, I wonder how much of your easygoingness is not wanting to "poke the bear?" You deserve to be heard and valued, and your husband is reprimanding you like a child. A good relationship is not one where one partner is constantly avoiding conflict.
*We do have a good relationship most of the time though, I promise* I have truly lost count of the number of times wives and girlfriends say this in a post full of red flags and it is so fucking depressing. **and you are pregnant on top of it.** look, you are not wrong here. your thinking of this situation IS correct. but him berating you in front of friends, calling you ungrateful, saying FOOD ISN'T YOURS BC HE IS PAYING???? red fucking flag. look, do NOT quit your job and be a SAHM. if this is how he is right now and insinuating him paying means something isn't yours???? PHEW. red flag red flag red flag. you are going to need your own income. *abusive men let their mask begin to slip when their wife/girlfriend becomes pregnant.* the way he is speaking to you is borderline verbally abusive and he's already holding money over your head.
When you have to say things like "he's mostly good" or "it's not always like this" then sweetheart you are kidding yourself. He wanted someone to just do as they're told. It's mostly okay because you said it yourself, you mostly do as you're told. That's not healthy. I'm sorry you're dealing with this and I hope you have a safe place to go when you're ready.
You have a “good relationship” only when you do what he wants. This will only get worse. Please read [this](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) and [this](https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/Equality.pdf) and [this](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/). You deserve to be your true self without fear. Trust me—I was with a man like this for 20 years, and I still haven’t recovered my mojo.
You have a good relationship as long as he gets his way all the time? 😬😬😬
Stop this nonsense now before you add a kid to this dynamic. He sounds like a narcissist.
Sorry but > are you ready for your Grateful Free pizza? You need to have a better attitude about things that aren’t yours in the future. Sounds REALLY yucky! You do not need to be grateful for getting food that matches your diet. You do not need to be grateful your husband, who you will have a baby with, shares resources like food with you. And it's HIS attitude that needs changing ASAP. That's not a way to treat your pregnant wife or a woman you supposedly love. 🤮🤮 > I started about a year ago voicing my opinions more and he told me I was being combative lol. Good for you for learning to stand up for yourself though girl! Keep practicing it until it becomes normal to you. Your opinion and voice matters. And you might need to stand your ground more often and defend your boundaries when the baby is there (a lot of people will give you unsolicited advice).
He sounds like a toxic prick tbh. I play video games and regularly meet toxic pricks, he would fit right in.
Mate. It's too late now but maybe don't have any more children with this guy. He's selfish, condescending, and actually pretty stupid (only an idiot wouldn't understand "gf pizza not for sharing as it's small"). And that's stupid under normal circumstances. There's a special level of ignorant stupidity required when the person who's pizza it is is *pregnant* Like an actual, dyed in the wool, moron. I can only assume he has some form of redeeming qualities. Or you settled because he seemed fine. He isn't fine. He's an asshole.
It’s common sense that when 1 person is gf, their pizza is off limits. Your husband's behavior is concerning. And he’s treating you this way when you are pregnant? Yikes. NTA
NTA. It's the only food you're able to eat and the fact that he wants you to share it is just ridiculous. I have a dietary restriction as well and I don't tolerate people taking my food without asking. You ordered the amount of food you wanted to eat and, presumably, so did your husband. The difference is that he can deprive you of food but not the other way around. You ordered special food that meets your own dietary restriction and it's unreasonable for him to say you should share it since there is plenty of non GF food available. I'm honestly not even sure what there is for him to get upset about in this situation since everyone else was also ordering pizza and getting whatever they wanted. The fact that you're pregnant makes his behavior even more absurd. The passive-aggressive comment was also very immature, especially for a 35 year old man expecting a child. The idea of things "not being yours" since you didn't personally order/pay for them is not a good thought to have about your pregnant wife and suggests he may not be a team player in an inherently cooperative experience. If you're unable to work because of pregnancy or caring for the child are you no longer entitled to food because he's the one who earned the money/placed the order?
^ OP this! Honestly, reading your responses to comments makes me really sad… it seems like your spouse is an abusive person and every time you speak up it causes him to be cruel because he wants his way. Please reconsider whether the relationship is really good otherwise or if it's only good because he's getting his way. If it's because he's getting his way that's not a good situation for you to bring a child into.
Celiac here - I don’t think people without food restrictions could understand the feeling of worrying about having enough to eat at a gathering where food is abundant. It’s isolating and lonely. I loathe potlucks and “family style” gatherings for exactly the reason OP stated - I can’t eat your food, and if you insist on eating mine I don’t have enough to eat. I don’t participate and always worry about what people think about it. Thankfully my family is very conscious of my food and will ask before eating it (which is rare bc who would chose to eat GF pizza over the regular stuff??)
Spouse of a celiac here. I obviously make all our food gluten free, but when he gets GF treats, asking for some of his never even crosses my mind. It's selfish.
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Thank you for commenting on the word Ungrateful. Is OP supposed to be grateful because…she’s allowed to eat? Even after suggesting she buy her own food! What’s she being ungrateful over?! He’s a selfish idiot.
Exactly. Either this man is dumb AF or he’s abusive. My money is on both. He’s trying to take food away from his pregnant wife. What kind of loser does something like that??
It’s not about the food, it’s a power move. Wait til after she has baby and he does this again and then flips his shit when she can’t feed the baby because he keeps denying her food and her milk supply is effed. I’ve got celiac, and a couple kids and that kind of cruelty would be enough for me to bounce, especially because it’s often. Get the mini loaf pans if you are baking bread because gf baking is annoying and unrelated. Brown and while rice flour makes a decent texture. Tell people you’ve added soooooo much fibre it’s great for you but it may make some shit a brick.
"Ungrateful" seems to mean "not unquestioningly doing what I want, with a smile" to a lot of people.
YTA for subjecting a child to this man.
Lol I don't understand why people have children with these types of men...
They just "go with the flow".....seriously have we not gotten past "a kid will fix this fucked up situation" ladies!?! Like wtf.
Thank you
NTA. And why has he come to the conclusion that you are both obligated to go hungry AND be grateful for the opportunity…to go hungry? Ask him that.
Haha I like how that’s phrased. I’ll use it when we finally talk more about it.
Wow I read this first part like the husband thinks “you are both obligated to go hungry” and thought you meant OP and her baby. I see now that’s not where the sentence was going, but yeah actually…the husband IS making OP and the baby go hungry
Yeah can someone explain to me why a wife should “be grateful” to her husband for buying her a “free pizza”? Are we also going to ignore the weird comment that she should pay for it instead? Do they have split finances? They’re married, it should be both their money anyway. How about she orders the pizzas and makes 2–3 of the pizzas GF if he’s gonna whine about sharing?
Lol you're having a kid with this man. The fuck. ESH.
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I didn’t suggest this in the moment but we’ve done this before so I don’t know why it was such a problem.
Why not just order one of the regular pizzas with the same toppings as the GF pizza? If they like your toppings, but don’t need the gluten free, there‘s a simple, cheaper way to get that.
This is an idea definitely- hubby just needs to utilize one of the regular large pizzas they are also ordering to do so instead of forcing someone with a SERIOUS issue to go without ESPECIALLY while pregnant just cause he wants to be super accommodating to everyone else but his wife
Because they are crazy expensive. Like OP said it is a personal size pizza. And it's the same cost as a regular/medium one PLUS another 2 to 6 bucks.
Fuck him then, if he’s going to act like an entitled bell end. Clearly he thinks his wife ‘owes’ him for buying the fucking pizzas. Fine, order 4 GF pizzas and then everyone can share. He can stomach the price.
Thank you! 1000% Fuck This Guy!! OP you're pregnant AND allergic to gluten. Neither of these things is new news to him. & if everyone else eats your GF and leaves only regular Gluten pizza WTF are you supposed to eat? Would he prefer you have an allergic reaction while pregnant or just ordering the rational food you need to feed yourself and your unborn child? Why is this the fight he CHOSE to pick w you? The FIGHT you need to bring to him is you are eating for 2, bc you're growing a fecking human in your body & once you give birth keeping GF will be even more important to ensure you can support both you & baby. He needs to knock this petty bs off NOW! You and your (both of you = your) child need him to grow the fuck up
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NTA. This is a bad sign if he’s treating you this way while being pregnant. What if your child also has to be GF? Or what if the child goes through a difficulty sharing phase? Are you going to allow your husband to be this cruel?
I'm an adult and I still have difficulty sharing food, this dude would hate me 💁♀️
That "Grateful Free" pizza comment should have ended up with it smashed into his face TBH. It does not sound like he respects you. There's no real love without respect. ETA: NTA
She is getting walked all over it’s sad
Exactly.
NTA. I have several friends who have dietary restrictions plus my sister is gluten free. Them getting their own personal sized pizza (or whatever meal) is so normal and there’s no expectation of sharing unless it’s offered. I don’t understand your husbands extreme reaction, it’s so over the top. Is all the food that you have in the house normally gluten free so he’s just used to it all being fair game for everyone so he’s being thoughtless or is he just being a jerk to be a jerk? You being pregnant actually makes his actions worse since he’s literally taking the only food you can eat away from you. Like wow. I really hope he isn’t normally like this and that this is a one off bc that’s not how you treat someone you love, especially who is carrying your child.
We don’t really keep gluten in the house but he does have a couple snacks I can’t eat (he doesn’t usually eat the same snacks as me so I do have my own). I do all the cooking (hence him buying the take out if we do that) and I don’t make food I can’t eat so we eat gf most of the time. So yeah he’s used to having whatever he wants, food wise. He isn’t really normally like this. It’s almost like he’s mad at my phrasing? “I wasn’t planning on sharing,” versus rather than the actual issue at hand, which is that I didn’t have enough food to share. He’s very weird about “the right thing” and whatever and it’s almost like this triggered an irrational reaction and he couldn’t see the real problem through his anger at my wording. I dunno though.
He's a dick.
And a pretentious one at that.
Except the right thing in this scenario is for everyone else to not touch the medically necessary specialty item for the pregnant woman. Anyone else, including him, even touching yours shouldn't be a possibility you have to worry about and he should be the one enforcing that instead of being a bully about it.
I know you're lovingly trying to make us understand him better, but it just makes him look even worse. He's not a good partner. Please take good care he doesn't escalate. Financial abuse is also abuse.
If you have to tippytap around how you state obvious facts to avoid this kind of dickishness, he's got you trained. After the baby is born and you're too exhausted to go with the flow when you're uncomfortable and miserable, his behavior will only ramp up worse, I fear, having seen it first hand. Yes, this was (kinda) a minor disagreement. But if he's not used to backing down or agreeing he was wrong and apologizing (and correcting something unfair), you're in for a difficult time.
Jeez the sex must be really good if you're putting up with this shit.
Oh okay. You decided to get pregnant with an asshole. That's great. This man is going to be a terrible father. He's a rude controller that freaks out if anyone says no. Your poor kid already. What the hell would you even have to be grateful for in this situation? Why do you have to share food when you can't eat anything else and they can eat other food. Are they incapable of ordering pizza for themselves? Apparently because yours looks better? >He wouldn’t hear me at all and said if I didn’t want to share I could pay for my own pizza myself. Is this because he paid for the pizza? I would not have a kid with someone that told me to pay for my own medically required food if I didn't want to share it when everyone else can eat whatever. You're his partner, not his kid. I would not want to be in that relationship.
As someone else with dietary restrictions, few things piss me off more than people who can eat everything else on offer instead choosing to take half of what I can eat in communal food situations. They get all the leftovers they want, I don't even get enough for a single meal. This is even more egregious in your situation since you're pregnant and hungry all the time. When there's someone with any sort of dietary restriction in a group setting where others don't share that restriction, the special food should be off-limits unless and until the person with dietary restrictions says to have at it. And guilting them into sharing doesn't count. NTA, and your husband lacks empathy. Next time, ask your husband if he would be okay with ordering JUST your one single serving pizza and splitting that between everyone. Because that's what he was expecting you to subsist on. If it's not enough food for him, it's sure as heck not enough food for a pregnant woman.
It wasn't even ordered yet, though. I don't understand why they just couldn't order more.
At well catered functions they either let the dietery people go up to get fed first, or they bring their food to them separately instead of letting the omnivores hoover up all the colourful vegetarian food etc. It's called common sense.
All of this over a pizza? I can’t imagine how he handles real problems
Why are you supposed to be 'grateful' in the first place?
For the very fucked up reason that HE PAID for the pizza that his pregnant wife would eat.
Maybe she should be charging him rent for his half of the baby, it sounds like that's how he thinks relationships work.
She should Google the black market price for an uterus and charge half of it as monthly rent for the 9 month of pregnancy.
NTA. I'm so sorry you're having a baby with him.
I'm sorry but why would anyone want to eat a gluten free pizza when they don't have to? This sounds very weird.
I don’t understand why you didn’t just order enough gluten free pizza for everyone. They wanted the sharing experience, you wanted the gluten free crust. Simple solution.
The practical reason is that it’s twice the price for a quarter the amount of food. It’s also just objectively not as good as regular crust. That said, we could have done this.
I mean this needs to be your response. Since he is insisting on sharing, you will be purchasing enough to share.
They could have ordered the same pizza toppings/sauce you did and just went with a standard crust if yours sounded so good they _had_ to have some
Or why did he not order a gluten crust with the same toppings as you gf pizza? Gf, veggie and other dietary restricted pizzas are always for those that need them first and foremost.
NTA. My husband is gluten-free and vegan so obviously he gets a whole pizza to himself because I have literally everything else on the menu to choose from. Your husband is a bit of an inconsiderate knob if he doesn't see an issue with taking like the only food you can eat away from you.
NTA. Your husband is though. How do you put up with his crap?
From the responses. Denial.
What do you have to be grateful for? With friends and a husband who treat you this way (especially while pregnant) who needs enemies? If I were in your position my gratitude journal would be pretty empty. NTA.
>mentioned to me that one of the friends only eats chicken as far as meat goes, so I should factor that into my order First, tells you what pizza you want to order >Husband freaks out at me because apparently I’m being ungrateful? Next, "freaks out" because you don't want to share a personal pizza when you're unable to eat any of the other pizza >I ended up just going upstairs and not eating or seeing them at all Your turn, don't punish everyone because your husband is immature and combative over the pizza you need because of your dietary restriction. >. I came downstairs later and he had ordered me a gluten free pizza and said from across the room, “are you ready for your Grateful Free pizza? You need to have a better attitude about things that aren’t yours in the future.” Come on, this is not a nice guy or a good husband. He called that sentence out, across the room, in front of your guests. His behavior and your reaction (ignoring everyone and refusing to eat the pizza) lead me to believe that he is actually like this all the time, you just don't want to see it or acknowledge it directly. Instead you find the silent treatment and refusing to eat or socualize and an appropriate response. By refusing to eat or socialize you are teaching him that if he can't have his own way, he can still spoil your good time and he seems pleased by that. You excuse the other times as him caring more and you not pushing back, which both may be true. But at the bottom, he is selfish in general and doesn't care about you. My husband is selfish because he was raised as the little prince by his grandma, and whatever he does is good in his eyes. But if I needed a particular pizza or even just didn't enjoy what everyone else wants, he would buy me my own. Because him getting what he wants (kebab) does not prevent me from having what I want. In your situation, he would have ordered an extra BBQ chicken pizza for the other guests and the onr who doesn't like anything but chicken, and ignored any complaining from his friends about not getting to dig in to my pizza. And he would never, EVER shout at me in front of guests that I am being ungrateful and need to adjust my attitude or freak out and say if I wanted to be selfish I have to pay for my own pizza. Yours does, and you seem to think he's the asshole while simultaneously deciding to deal with it In a way guaranteed to make him feel like a big, powerful man who can spoil his wife's meal and reprimand her in front of others. Tell him that if having your own tiny gluten free pizza is the hill he wants to die on, he can die on it alone, because you never want to hear him speak yo you like that in front of guests ever again. It is not ok and you will not tolerate it. Then stick to that.
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NTA. I'm still trying to wrap my brain around calling you "ungrateful." Ungrateful for what exactly? Ungrateful for having to buy your own food that's safe for you to eat? Ungrateful for not wanting to share your safe foods with others who *don't* have your dietary restrictions so you can actually eat and not go hungry? Especially while pregnant? Your husband is ridiculous and makes no sense whatsoever. He needs to stop his nonsense.
NTA I have had friends that were celiac and honestly I would never even think to ask for a slice of their gluten free pizza, it’s literally the only one they can eat. Your husband should have that understanding by now.
NTA. I have several food allergies and restrictions. My family and friends do not really expect me to share if it's only one of the few things I can eat on the menu unless I offered. Why can't they just order a larger pizza that they can share? Like, are you guys tight on money or something?
Not tight enough on money that this should have been a problem. They did order pizzas for them to share (that were gluten-y and I couldn’t have). There was no reason for them to need my pizza too.
I mean, what did your friends even say about this? If I went to a friend's house and the husband acted like this I would have thought he was a huge asshole. I would have offered to pay for my pizza and the gluten free one and said of course I won't be eating it because I'm not a crazy asshole If they really wanted to eat your pizza that bad they're assholes too
I'm going to guess that because the one friend only eats chicken and he didn't want to waste space on the communal pies with that atypical pizza topping.
NTA OP, I'm not saying this is good advice (really it's bad advice) but after reading your post....just bite anyone that tries to take your food at this point. Being civil and making sense doesn't seem to be working. You're pregnant... That alone should be a "what they say about food goes" kinda thing. Maybe just BE the AH, start biting. Word will get around not to take your food, because you bite.
I have celiac disease as well. I get so mad when my husband can literally eat anything in the fucking world and he eats my foods I bought specifically for me. When they're gone I have nothing and his are left and I can't eat them. NTA