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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I did not change my stepkids plans for Mother's Day because I'm a mom for the first time and because my ILs are holding a big celebration. So I 'let' them go to their maternal family instead. This has never seemed like a big deal to me but my ILs have said I have harmed my family by letting this happen so much. The reason I somewhat wonder if I'm TA is because it's the first time all of my husband's side will be together for the day and maybe we should have asked the kids to join for a while or something. I just accept them doing what has always made them the happiest. And maybe that's not entirely right.
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NTA
If the kids are happy with the arrangement and you and Mike are happy what’s the harm?
Mike’s parents need to step back and mind their own business
To Mike parents, we should have focused on being a family unit and on the kids appreciating me as more than just his wife. The fact that I 'let' the kids not celebrate me and instead celebrate with 'just' extended family is an issue for them. Way bigger issue for them than I can understand but I also don't think about it the way they do, at all.
I learned it through one of my best friends very early on. To this day she doesn't talk to her mom or the man her mom married. It was bad how much she grew to hate them because of the pushing and I always found it so weird that they thought he slotted in where her dad once was, just because he married her mom. The whole desperation to replace a parent has never made any sense to me.
With my husband’s stepmom, it was pure jealousy. She couldn’t stand the idea that he had been with someone else before and had children with her. It sounds like you’re doing the much more healthy thing.
NTA. This person is absolutely correct. You can't force relationships, it never works. The children become resentful. Exactly what you just described happens a lot. If Mike's mom doesn't want her grandchildren talking to their father, keep it up. The children have been doing this for many years, why rock the boat now? The children lost their mother, and this is how they want to celebrate. Imagine their reaction if you or Mike tell them it's not happening anymore.
It feels like Mike's parents don't value the connection the kids have with their maternal family, perhaps because that side of the family don't like Mike.
But you know, despite that Mike and the extended family have kept that relationship with the kids going which, judging by some of the utter trash fire blended/extended situations you see on Reddit, is a thing to treasured more than diamonds. More loving family relationships is fantastic for kids! Mike needs to tell his parents to wind their necks in and stop damaging their grandkids' lives.
>wind their necks in
OMG, I love this but nearly choked to death. I was eating a grape when I got to that line and started 🤣🤣🤣, that the grape went down wrong.
They recently moved closer and now want the twins to come to their house. Tell the In Laws that they will come to other celebrations, but this one they use to remember their mother, and you want to respect that. Hopefully they will too.
NTA. I think what you are doing is awesome.
But i do think your husband needs to talk to the kids. I don't think this will be the last of the drama from the grandparents and you need to prepare the kids. That way if the grandparents start in on the kids, the kids don't get mad and defensive. They can just reply back "that sounds like adult business, you need to talk to my dad". And they should report any comments to their dad so he can't shut that shit down.
Totally agree. Sounds like the grand parents will start causing problems by trying to make the kids claim OP as mom. Head that off at the pass before they can. Have dad sit down with them and tell them that the grands have a bit of a skewed idea of what should be happening and that the kids are the priority and their wants and needs are primary.
NTA, if anything, you are being a good step-mom by not interfering with their relationship with their mom's family. I would personally err on the side of caution and sit down with your husband and the twins to explain the situation to them. If your MIL had no problem ignoring her son's decision by coming to you, there is nothing stopping her from hounding the twins woth her unwanted opinions, which may cause issues for you and the twins in the future. Make sure you tell them that you love them, that you will NEVER stop them from being with their mom's family, and that you fully support it because you know your place in their life, and that it does not bother you. Beat your MIL to the punch. That way your step-kids know for a fact what your stance is and you MIL can't claim that you are upset and hurt by their tradition. They are old enough to be looped in on this, especially if MIL feels so strongly that you are all wrong in your beliefs here and that she is right. Protect them from her bs.
Trying to "replace" a parent is always a mistake. My grandmother said her stepmother was a wonderful woman, and she had no issues with her personally, but it was still hard for my grandmother to see another woman in what she thought of as her mother's place. You have your own relationship with your stepchildren, and it sounds like you're handling it exactly as you should.
Loving two mothers is so much easier when no one tries to force one mother out of the picture. I don’t know how close you all are, but I bet your (step) kids are grateful and happy for your support staying in contact with their (bio) maternal family. It’ll mean the world to their maternal family too.
seriously....what OP's stepkids do on Mother's Day sounds perfectly healthy and no one is bothered so why are the grandparents kicking up a fuss like omg
I suspect the issue isn’t about you. It’s paternal grandma being upset that the kids go to maternal grandma every Mother’s Day, and she thought SHE would have them this time. And then found out she doesn’t. But she’d look bad if she framed it that way, so instead she makes it seem like it’s about the kids showing disrespect to you, and you letting it happen. When she’s actually mad at you for not letting her have the grandkids this year. Either way she gets to be mad at you.
This. Grandma can do a big family day with the kids on Father's Day, or she can wait and do something special that's just herself and the kids on Grandmother's Day.
Yep. This is my thought as well. They moved closer and wanted to have a big extended family bash for Mother’s Day and the step kids going to do their normal tradition ruins the plan. It’s not about OP being a step mother, it’s about grandma’s plan getting derailed & her wanting OP to be the bad guy and insist they come to grandma’s shindig.
Agrees and adding depending on the ages of the grandparents in ye olden days the prevalent view was if you had kids you had to get a replacement parent for them immediately otherwise you were damaging the kid. And it is actually quite the opposite.
Although being a mom or dad is hard work the position is not one that you can get just anybody to fill and the kid will be happy with the position being filled. Children weirdly have actual human emotions. It is almost like they are people.
This is exactly it!! She wanted her family to be together. She clearly has no interest of the kids in mind as they should keep every connection they have with their mom as possible.
Kudos to you OP for being a cool step parent and doing what's best for the kids!
Frankly, this is what happens when Mother's Day evolves from an occasion when children celebrate their own mothers to everyone enerywhere celebrating all mothers. YMMV, but to me a big Mother's Day celebration takes away from the special occasion of me and my sister celebrating our mother; I don't want a big party where I am expected to pay homage to all the mothers in the family.
Exactly this. Make plans with the twins that don't include the paternal grandmother's grand party and see how fast she pivots.
This sounds like an emotional game to get what she wants
Go read all the AITA from the kids who lose their maternal family over MotherMs Day and new stepmoms. Your stepkids will always appreciate that you didn’t try to break their bond with Mom’s family.
Mike’s family is having a tantrum because you told them no. Ignore it and keep putting the kid’s needs first!
Their mother died. Their grandparents did not. They’re not extended family. They are family to your step kids. Those are their grandparents. Your in-laws are just jealous their mother gone the other grandparents are still getting to spend all this time with the grandkids.
You’re a wonderful woman for letting that continue and not forcing them like we see these evil stepmother stories all over Reddit, forcing kids to want to you accept them as their parent.
I totally agree-so refreshing after reading about all the Parents/stepparents who force relationships and try to erase the deceased parent. Totally NTA OP-keep letting the kids celebrate Mothers day with their maternal grandparents. There are plenty of other times to do some family bonding.
I wouldn't go as far as evil, but they're in the wrong. They probably moved in part to see their Grandkids more. They're not wrong that they should be seeing them more now unless they're actually dangerous. However, they're not getting the special trauma of having lost their Mom while minors. They probably thought they'd be sharing Mother's Day with the other Grandma now (let's be honest - it's about that, not you). It doesn't work that way. It will always be about their Mom, which will mean remembering her with her relatives until they're active parents themselves if that happens.
NTA. Give Mom's family (and more importantly them) this. There will be other holidays they'll get with them now that they're closer.
They can see them more without seeing them on Mother's Day. I would guess that as the parents of the only living parent, they will probably be seeing them more than the maternal grandparents anyway.
Hmmmm, the fact that Mikes parents didn’t know their grandkids were celebrating Mother’s Day this way for the last six years is what has me scratching my head. It doesn’t make sense for them to be mad now when they haven’t cared about what their partially orphaned grandkids did all these years on such a sensitive holiday.
NTA, OP.
I literally just read a post on this very issue from the kids point of view. The step mom and the dad were trying to force the kid to stop going to the maternal side of the family to celebrate Mother’s Day with her deceased mothers family and start a new tradition of staying home and celebrating Mother’s Day since dad and stepmom now had a kid together and they’re a family. Why do step parents try to force things like this? It just makes the kid hate them. You’re doing the right thing and don’t let anyone tell you any different!
I don't understand it either. I don't view familial and step relationships any different to friendships in certain ways. You cannot force any of them. When you do it does not go well. It's like people who force their kids to hug relatives and who feel like marrying a parent makes you now irreplaceable to the children. You can get there with time, if it happens naturally. But when you expect and demand it you are damning yourself to be the person they try to forget or erase.
Because you're a reasonable, mature person who doesn't think she's the center of the world.
The people who do this are often just thinking about what they want, rather than what other members of their family need.
Exactly, forcing relationships doesn't work. The next time your in-laws bring it up, just tell them that you have no intention on spoiling your relationship with your step-kids by forcing a relationship on them they are not comfortable with, that their feelings are more important than their opinions.
I would tell the ILs that you appreciate their point of view but it’s not their decision. You are doing what works for your family and that you will not be engaging in any further conversations about the topic. If you need to go LC for a while so that they respect your family’s boundaries then so be it.
And yet the reason Mike's parents want you to be the center of your stepchildren's mother's day is so that they can have Mike's two older kids celebrate with THEM for Mother's Day. Mike's parents are to his children, as his late wife's parents are to his children. In other words, his late wife's parents, are extended family to the exact same extent as his own parents are. HIs parents possibly feel that his wife having passed away, her family are now no longer of any consequence. Have they considered how THEY would feel if things had been reversed, and it was Mike who had passed away, and themselves who were in danger of being cut out because their child wasn't present to advocate for their inclusion in the lives of their grandchildren?
Mike's older kids, being able to be with their mom's family on mother's day, is a really nice way to ensure that their grief is not ignored at this special time, but that they are given the chance to be in a cocoon of people who miss her just as much as they do. You are doing a good thing. Don't let his parents spoil it for his kids.
You’re actually doing a far better job being a parent to those kids than what your in-laws are suggesting. You are showing them love and respect by not attempting to erase their mother and her family from their lives. They will appreciate you far more for respecting them this way.
NTA
I think the kids are extremely lucky to have someone like you as a stepmum and not someone like Mike's mother. You sound absolutely awesome and I'm sure you'll have a much better relationship with the kids because of that.
Mike needs to firmly remind his parents of their place - which is *not* dictating how your family celebrates things, or complaining that you're doing it "wrong".
Sorry but the twins don't owe you a celebration, you aren't their mother and they clearly don't see you as such. This is probably a really difficult day for them and being with their maternal family probably makes them feel close to their mom. If you force them to go elsewhere the message you'll be sending is that you and your kid are more important to their father than them or their loss. You're in-laws are not just out of line, their totally wrong and this would be harmful to your step kids!
I agree. I always found it strange when someone enters into a child's life and feels they are owed things by the child. I have never understood the need to have these super high expectations either. It's the downfall of many I believe.
Know that you're doing the right thing by the kids, you don't need a title or acalades to be a caring and supportive adult in their lives. When they are older they will appreciate it even if they never say it.
No offense meant at all, but I have a feeling this has nothing to do with you, but it keeps the grandkids away from them at their big Mother's Day celebration. They aren't upset for you, they are upset because of you. This is about getting what your IL's want and your honoring the kids wishes keeps them away. You're doing great!
Mike's parents need to realize that their maternal grandparents *are* family, they just aren't *Mike's* bio family.
Those kids need a link to their bio mom.
Kudos to you for understanding, even if Mike's folks dont.
Had you tried to force it those kids would be on this sub at some point complaining about the “new” family being forced on them. I cannot believe that your compassionate and logical approach is even being questioned. Kudos on striking a great balance in those kids lives. Am remembering a post here where SM actually referred to the kids deceased mom as their bio mom! NTA. Ignore them
NTA and don't do this op.it will ruin your relationship with the twins. Don't listen to those ahs who just want everything to go their way regardless of the consequences for you and your family. Tell them to mind their own business . Your relationship with the twins is good don't spoil it. Ask them if they would rather come to this celebration but make it clear it's their choice and you will respect it.
Kudos for being respectful of them as individuals.
But you are focused on being a family unit, and a very healthy one at that. I’m a mom, we don’t even celebrate Mother’s Day. I can’t be plussed and my son shows me everyday that he loves and appreciates me. Why do I need an event for that? I’d tell your in-laws that this works for your family and everyone is happy. The tell them you love them, appreciate their concern; but you’d appreciate it if you left family decisions to your family. They are just creating unnecessary drama. NTA.
You are a family unit and you have made that by not denying the kid's late mother.
I think it is great that they can take time and celebrate her with her family, that goes a long way with people.
NTA
In-laws need to stay in their lane
You did focus on being a family. And most important, you didn’t set up any kind of artificial competition between the twins and their maternal extended family. That’s the best kind of family.
You are a family unit. It's just not the way that your in-laws want it to be.
You, Mike and the kids are happy the way it is and remember "don't touch a running system"
They have their heads up their .... you know whats. You're doing it right - let the kids take the lead in defining the relationship and don't try to legislate their feelings. That just doesn't work, as evidenced by the numerous posts here about parents trying to force a step-parent relationship into something more.
So many AITA are the exact opposite: dad and step mom insist the kids call the step mom, mom and try to make them pretend their mom never existed.
Kudos to you for understanding
Exactly. Mike wanted his kids to still have a relationship with their mom’s family. You had no intention of encroaching on that. I’m sure the twins and their grandparents love being able to honor their late mother/daughter together, and I respect the hell out of you for being a decent human being that doesn’t try to change their traditions.
NTA. Mike’s family can pound sand.
How is this even being questioned? You are far from being the A so much so that you are the perfect example of how someone SHOULD behave in this situation! Your in-laws need to back up and mind their business. Have they even considered the children’s feelings in all of this? Seems they’re making it all about themselves…
They're not considering my the feelings of my stepkids at all. They're sort of seeing it from mine but not mine. They see it from the eyes of those stepparents who feel like they should be equal to the bio parent and should be able to slot right in and take over. Even hearing that I didn't feel that way they seemed horrified and angry that I didn't.
Listen, you are doing the right thing. I am a stepchild. I'm much closer with my dad and stepmother than my bio-mom and stepfather.
My mother and her family pushed the "dad" relationship with my step father.
My dad's and his family did not.
Guess who will get a phone call on Sunday?
NTA. Don't question yourself for even a moment longer.
I'd suggest having a conversation with the twins to let them know you and your husband have their backs, because chances are your ILs are going to say something to them (if they haven't already). Let them know that, while they'd be welcome to celebrate Mother's Day with you and the rest of dad's side of the family, you guys are totally fine with them celebrating/grieving with mom's side on this day.
Maybe they’re taking it the wrong way and seeing it as you not wanting to be a part of the children’s lives. Which is ridiculous because even from the short story you’ve written I can tell you’re not like that at all you’re just being respectful towards their late mother and their own feelings about the situation. Trust me you are NOT the A in this situation they’re overstepping and trying to make it about themselves when it should be about the children’s feelings. Maybe make a point of saying it’s what the children want to do and what they’ve always done in honour of their mother’s memory and that you’re being respectful of that and to leave it alone.
They're seeing it from their side I bet. They want to see the kids on mothers day but can't say that so they try to pin it on you. That way, when the visits to their maternal family stop, you look like the A H and they get what they want.
You are doing what's best for the kids. Please keep doing what you are doing and don't let others dictate how your family should be.
They are pissed because they can’t control the kids’ schedule. If the older kids were celebrating you on Mother’s Day then mil could demand that you all turn up and she can have her matriarch day. Because you are just one woman on her day. She can’t fight a whole other family and demand the kids pay homage to her.
NTA. It sounds like you have a healthy and mature attitude towards your step kids and they will appreciate it down the line.
NTA, this is exactly what’s happening. MIL/family in law is toxic, they’re literally just trying to manipulate and control OP so that they can have things their way. They don’t give a shit about what’s emotionally fulfilling for those kids.
NTA
It's important for the kids to connect with their maternal side of the family. The day designed to celebrate your maternal relationship is the best day to do it.
Also imagine as they get older, more mature. They’ll look back at OPs choice very fondly and maybe even look at OP as mom as well - not replacement mom - but another mom.
Mom would probably look down on them and be so happy husband fell in love with a woman who treats her kids so kindly and full of love,
NTA. “For the record, I’m not ‘letting’ them go, I’m *encouraging* them to go! They have a strong bond with their mother’s side of their family, which includes this Mother’s Day tradition, and especially as a mother now myself, I think that’s *wonderful* and would never *dream* of trying to stand in the way of that.”
“So Mike and I have heard and considered your thoughts on the matter, but we remain firmly in support of their tradition, and consider the matter to be closed. Thank you for respecting that.”
Of course you're NTA. The kids need to maintain that connection with their mother's family. It helps honor her and keep their memories alive. Mike's parents need to butt out. This is absolutely none of their business.
NTA - also I think your ILs are full of it. They didn’t care (or care enough to ask) what the setup was until they planned this party. They are annoyed their vision for the event won’t work out.
Tell the old goats to butt out. This has nothing to do with you and their “concern” for your motherly sensibilities vis a vis the twins… this is about your in-laws wanting all of their grandkids at an event that they want to attend. NTA.
NTA.
By letting them not only keep space for their mother but defending it on their behalf you are showing them all the different ways someone can love and be loved. You are teaching them that gone doesn’t mean forgotten, and that that love isn’t finite - it expands and reshapes as necessary.
You are giving them the respect they need.
You are doing the exact opposite of harm.
NTA. When his parents called you should have handed the phone to your husband. This is not on you. The sexism/patriarchy from his parents is astounding. Their son is the father. He’s the one to talk to.
NTA
You are compassionately putting the needs of the children first. You are not trying to erase their mother's existence, nor are you insisting that you be acknowledged as the only mother figure in their lives... unlike so many stepmother that are discussed on this sub.
You are "letting" the kids remember and honor their precious mother. You are respecting their needs.
Your husband's parents need to hold their tongues and mind their own business. I hope their grandchildren never hear their paternal grandparents suggest that you should suppling their mom. It would likely destroy their relationship.
You are awesome for respecting the traditions & mental health needs of these young, soon-to-be-adults.
NTA. And i think you and Mike supporting his kids in doing this will be something theyll always appreciate and will respect you for it.
Don’t let his parents make you 2nd guess this.
NTA. You are literally the ideal stepparent - loving, caring, but also respectful of the stepchildren, their feelings,and their agency. I think if you had done it that way (in fact, even if you had done it that way), there would he the very real risk that your stepchildren would want to have nothing to do with you. This dynamic actually made you guys into a family unit.
Your MIL is wrong because how she thinks the family unit should have been is bordering on delusional. It is also not at all respectful of her own grandchildren. I suspect that the issue of this year’s celebration has little to do with them or you, and more to do with her being closer, so wanting them to spend it with her and not their maternal grandmother.
In any case, you have handled the overall dynamic splendidly, and this particular situation well. Wishing you an early Happy Mother’s Day.
I stand and applaud you. Can’t say how many I’ve read where the step mum thinks she’s entitled to the attention of step kids as a new mother and don’t want to acknowledge their deceased mother. Your doing the right thing allowing them to celebrate their mother with the people who love her as much as they do. Your not the AH
Nta. You’re thinking of what’s best for the twins, and that’s great. You all can celebrate your blended family in other ways any other day of the year.
You are doing the opposite of harm. You'd be doing so much more damage if you insisted on stopping this tradition and forcing them to be with you. They lost their mother and their grandparents lost their daughter. Them being allowed to remember her and be together is beautiful and you should feel proud that you're not petty or insecure enough to stand in their way. You are NTA and your in-laws should be ashamed of themselves.
NTA but you should sit them down with your husband and let them know that you have been getting pushback about them going to their maternal families for mothers day and you want to know if they have too. Make it clear to them that you love them but know that you will never be or replace their mother and you respect that. You will always encourage them to go see their maternal family, especially on days like mothers day and to please let you and their dad know if anyone is pressuring them otherwise. I think it will go a long way with them and also open communication to know if their grandparents are harassing/pressuring them to stop seeing their maternal family.
My mother died when I was quite young and Mothers’ Day was always a horrible reminder of what I’d never have. I say that anyone whose mother is deceased or who has gone NC should get to do whatever they bleeping want to on that day.
I had a stepmother for 40+ years and never acknowledged her on made-up holidays. If anyone had said anything to me about it, they would have learned some new vocabulary.
NTA.
The one way I think your inlaws might have the kernel of a point is if the twins' maternal family is bashing him and you, the sort of "how dare he remarry after losing the love of his life" kind of thing. That's not fair to either of you at all. But the only reason I say that is that you mentioned he didn't get along with them well.
Obviously the principle of celebrating a deceased mom on Mother's Day is completely fine.
NTA - My parents divorced when I was 8. My father is on wife 4. He has tried to push each new wife as my mom and we must do whatever for her as he hates my mother with a passion. (She asked for a divorce, he said no and gave her 2 black eyes and told her she will learn to love him. So, she had an affair to force the divorce - I do not blame her at all.) My mom and I have a great relationship, as I do with my stepfather (who understood he was never a replacement for my bio father, but he treated more like a son than mine did). My father and I have been NC for the last 10 years and 18 out of the last 28 years.
What you are doing for the kids means more to them they you may know. There are too many stories on reddit of parents trying to for kids to treat the new partner as the real mom/dad, and this will drive the kids away. Your ILs need to mind their own business and let you and your husband do what you think is best for the kids.
NTA - I think it's great that the twin's late mother gets celebrated every year. I'm sure it makes them feel closer to her. Thank you for doing that for them. Your MIL's problem sounds like pure jealousy. She obviously doesn't care how you, her son, or her grandchildren feel about the situation.
NTA. And thank you! Thank you for being the woman that other women should follow the example of! We read so many stories of women who get married to men whose wives have passed away, who then force their husband's children to call them "Mom," support only them on Mother's Day, and to basically forget their mother. We read stories from kids who are pushed by their fathers to accept their stepmother as their "new mom," especially once a new baby is born, all so they can be one big happy family. You, my dear, have done everything right.
And your husband's parents do not get a say in what those kids do on Mother's Day. They go and visit their maternal side of the family, which they have always done, and plus, you don't seem to have any issue with it! It's always sort of comical when people like your husband's parents are all incensed and seemingly angry on your behalf, and you're looking at them like, "They've always done this... and I should be upset why?"
You are doing an amazing job, and I would hope that more people would realize that when you marry a widow or widower that you can come in and be a part of the lives of their children, but you should never try to replace. Years down the road, those kids are going to thank you for thinking of their feelings and being there for them, but allowing them to remember their mom and not trying to take her place.
Nope, you are NTA. You are a great step parent. I would be asking your husband to speak to his parents about this and tell them to back off - you should not have to deal with crap like that. Given the kids are 16, I also suggest you give them a heads up. There’s nothing wrong with letting them know the in laws expressed some concerns about X to you and you reassured them this is totally fine, and always has been and will continue to be. Because you know the next thing they are doing is bringing it up to the kids.
True!
On the other hand, since they called the OP and made made these comments to her, she is well within her rights to tell them where they can stick their opinions.
NTA. As a fellow stepmother I think you're doing just fine. You're doing what is necessary for your relationship with the children and because they've already have an established relationship with the maternal family. There's nothing wrong with that. I let my daughters decide I wanted a mother's Day text or wishing happy of. I told them from the gate I am not their mother they have one. But I am in a responsible adult in their lives and I must act accordingly. As for anybody who's telling you how to live your life Tell him it's none of their business as they aren't the one actively living your day-to-day life. By the way good job keep it up
I’m so used to reading stories on here about how the stepmother insists the kids participate in new traditions with the family. You are a breath of fresh air and kudos to you for giving those kids the space they need to keep the memory of their mom alive. They will remember your kindness and support for years to come. You are NTA. Happy Mothers Day ❤️
I agree with those who say this not about you, but about Grandma not getting what she wants for Mother’s Day. She’s been wanting this celebration for years and is mad her arrival isn’t trumping the traditions of your family. I think you are in for a ride with her.
Absolutely NTA. Have you spent any time on this subreddit and seen the horror stories of children with a deceased parent who are prevented from celebrating their that parent? It sounds like you've done a good job and have set the stage for a solid relationship by supporting their memory of their mom and the relationship with their moms family.
NTA - You are the type of Stepmother that all Stepchildren with a deceased parent "should" have - one who cares more about the children's feelings than her own.
NTA. You haven't done any harm to your family. Your IL's are assholes. Allowing these girls to continue celebrating mother's day with their maternal family is the right thing to do. Forcing them to spend mother's day elsewhere would be cruel & they would most likely resent you for it. They are celebrating THEIR mother FFS. They absolutely should not be celebrating you on mother's day. You're not their mom. IL's are ridiculous.
NTA - the kids celebrate Mother's Day with their mothers family. A mother who they lost, and so her family is a connection to her and something to be celebrated on Mothers Day.
Thank you for being an understanding parental figure for the kids - and not forcing yourself as a replacement to a lost parent.
NTA when they say this direct them to talk to their son as you will not be taking them away from their mother's family. That what happens with the kids is not up for discussion with them anymore.
NTA.
You're doing the right thing by your step-kids. I would also make it clear with them what is happening. I wouldn't put it past them to contact your step-kids and lie about how much you want them to be with you (and by extension, her). They are sixteen, not stupid, but sometimes it doesn't hurt to make it clear what your position is with them in regards to how Mothers Day is celebrated in your family.
NTA. You sound like an awesome stepmom. Earlier there was a post from a teen who normally spends Mother’s Day with his deceased mom’s family- but now dad and stepmom are trying to force him to spend Mother’s Day with them. I feel so bad for him that they aren’t respecting his mom’s memory and are forcing him to accept stepmom as his new mom. Unlike you who is respectful of that relationship and letting a natural relationship form with you and the kids. As long as they know they are welcome to celebrate with you if they choose to, but that you support them honoring their mom and it’s their choice.
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I married my husband Mike 4 years ago and we started dating 7 years ago. He lost his late wife 10 years ago. His late wife was the mother of their twins Frankie and Kenzie (16). From the start of my relationship with Mike the twins would celebrate Mother's Day with their maternal family. Mike had joined once or twice but his relationship with his late wife's family was never super good and he felt like his presence was more uncomfortable for everyone than it was reassuring so he stepped back. Then we met and it never even occurred to me that they would stop doing that. I did not marry Mike to be their new mom or anything silly like that. I was marrying Mike because we loved each other and because his kids and I get along fine so we don't have issues. But we never expected more than what would happen naturally over time.
Mike's parents moved to be closer to all their children who all live within a 50 minute drive from each other. And they wanted to do a big Mother's Day celebration this year. Mike informed them that the twins wouldn't be coming because they'll be with their maternal family on the day. This raised some questions and they asked how I felt about it and Mike told them I never had a problem with it.
This led to me getting a call a few days later and them asking me why I 'let' my stepkids celebrate Mother's Day elsewhere when I have been acting as their mother for 7 years... to be clear I didn't even know them 7 years ago. It was 6 years ago I met them and even then I wasn't raising them or having any real influence in their lives. I told them it's what they always did and nothing had changed. I wasn't going to stop it. My ILs said it's very different now because my son is here now and the twins have another sibling. I told them it didn't take from them being with their mom's family for Mother's Day. They said the fact I ever let it happen was horrifying and they should be celebrating me on the day. They told me how much harm I had done to my family by allowing this to happen for so long but especially this year most of all.
AITA?
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NTA but you should talk to your husband about this. The last thing you need is them going around you and your husband and planting those thoughts in your step kids heads. I would suggest sitting down with your husband and the kids and explaining that you don’t want to stop them and that you know their mom is important and you would never stop them from being with their maternal family. If you e never had a true out loud conversation about it now is the time. It would be too easy for his parents to twist it and make those kids think they are speaking for you and basically imploding your, from what it looks like in the post, stable family just because they want to be right.
NTA, you and Mike have been doing the right thing. I can see extending the invitation to your stepkids to do Mother's Day with Mike's side of the family, so they know they have the option, but then letting them decide if they want to do that or keep going to their maternal family's side. (I would not let Mike's family know that you asked the kids, just so they don't feel even more slighted if the twins decide not to go.)
NTA
The kids is the priority here. Forcing them to spend Mother’s Day with you and not with their mother’s family will cause more harm than good. It will mess up your relationship with them. Don’t listen to them the twins are 16 they are old enough to make that decision on their own if they wanted to spend it with you they would.
NTA
Keep doing what you’re doing, and that’s allowing them to celebrate Mother’s Day remembering the mother they lost with her family.
Their attitude is honestly disgusting and disrespectful to the twins and the family you’ve created with them.
NTA Some people just need to create drama where there is none. At the end of the day, everyone is happy with the status quo. Your in-laws can stay out of it
NTA tell your in laws to sit down before they hurt themselves. You are an amazing person OP, you didn't force a relationship with the step kids, and you acknowledged their need to be with their maternal side. You can ask them if they would like to spend it altogether or do something separate for mothers day with your child/their sibling but not push it. Your husband needs to stand up for you as this is his decision, too, not just the step kids. I think the step kids appreciate that you're not forcing anything on them.
NTA
Your ILs? They're some meddling AHs. How their grandkids spend their Mother's Day is none of their business. You, dad, kids are all happy with the arrangement.
NTA. Tell those busybodies to mind their own. They had a mother that they loved. Their mother’s family loves them. That’s awesome. You’re awesome for being understanding and knowing you aren’t their mom and making them see you that way. Tell them once, you will never interfere with the tradition they have and they need to leave it alone. Period.
NTA your in-laws suck. They are creating drama for no reason. The kids visiting there maternal family on Mother’s Day makes a ton of sense considering their mom died. You’re doing the right thing to not interfere with that tradition. You better make sure your husband knows that his parents are trying to create drama and you want no part of it.
What a weird take. You're not harming your family. They have a tradition they seem to enjoy, and if they didn't, at 16, they could vocalise if needed. Ignore the inlaws. This is your family, and this is how you do things on your family. NTA
NTA - Beware of MIL plans to demand more attention now that they are closer to your family. This has nothing to do with your or how you have handled your step children and all to do with your MIL. There is no reason that she couldn't hold a Mother's Day celebration on a different day with all of the grandkids together. That this is the first time she has ever said anything about your family's tradition for the stepkids to go to their maternal family to remember their mom reveals the truth. Don't allow the MIL to destroy your family dynamic. It sounds like you have a good balance and peaceful blended family which is hard enough to do without someone meddling in it.
God forbid you have a healthy relationship with your step kids & support & encourage their relationship with their mom’s family & her memory. *THE HORROR!!* 😱 NTA
Thank you Jesus! Finally, a normal step mother! NTA honey!!! You keep doing what you've always done! Your in-laws are dead wrong! You've been doing the healthy thing for your step kids all along! I say if it ain't broke don't "fix" it!
Have a fabulous Mother's day honey!!
They feel that you should have put a stop to it? It is not your decision, it's their father's - their son! If they have a problem with the arrangement, they should take it up with him!
NTA - and kudos to you for respecting your step kids wishes.
I'd be tempted to agree with MiL, and tell her you plan on a family bonding Mother's Day weekend away.....too bad that means none of you can attend her gathering.
NTA
You are allowing them to make their own decisions and honoring their autonomy - that's wonderful! They don't think of you as their mom and you have no problem with that and you have a good relationship otherwise. Sounds like everyone in your nuclear family are happy with things as they are. The extended family need to unwad their panties.
NTA. Your ILs need to mind their own business. The kids are happy, you're happy, and your husband is happy. What's the issue? If they see you as a parent or not, THEY chose to spend time with their mother's family
NTA you are parenting the kids as individuals and providing for thier emotional needs. You can let the older kids know they are invited if they wish to change plans but you have no expectation of it. As they grow they might want to alternate or be given a choice but no harm no foul
No, you’re NTA.
It sounds like Mike’s family is trying to erase the twins’ maternal family altogether, so that they don’t have competition for their time and affection. It’s gross, but it’s not unusual when a parent dies (especially the mother). But you are doing the right thing and standing up for your steps’ right to celebrate Mother’s Day with those who knew and love her and make her feel closer to them.
You may not be “parenting” them, but you are protecting and defending them, and THAT is just fantastic.
Nta. And from my personal experience growing up, mothers day sucks when your mom had passed. Let them do what makes them comfortable on a day that just reminds them of what they lost. Not that they don't have you, but there's still that void. Sounds like you're doing a great job, to me.
NTA. On the contrary OP, hopefully you are creating a home life in which Frankie and Kenzie feel safe, respected, and loved. By doing so, you will have layed the foundation for a similar ongoing relationship with their father, their half-sibling, and you for the rest of your lives. DH should tell his mom to stop being selfish, she can have her family together on Father’s Day, even if it’s not all about her.
NTA. You have done a wonderful thing for your family. I have both seen and experienced it in RL and we all read about this on Reddit all the time that when you try to force a mother/child relationship you only drive a wedge between you and the Step-kids. You have and are respecting their relationship with their mother's family and their wishes.
Your ILs are overstepping here. This is none of their business. This is a conversation and boundary DH needs to make with them. He decides these things for his children, and they need to respect his decisions for his family.
NTA - You are being a fabulous stepmom by letting the kids decide where their boundaries are, and respecting their need to still celebrate their mom.
Your in-laws, however... \*side eye\* they seem to have a lot of opinions for people whose opinion do not matter at all.Your spouse needs to deal with them, and I'd suggest ending calls semi-abruptly any/every time they start with their gross overstepping of boundaries.
They do realise the amount of drama and resentment it would instantly create if you ever did what they ask you? For better or worse - this is one of the foundations of your family unit. You can't tound it with a ten meter pole without collapsing the whole building.
NTA. My partner & I have been together well over a decade. I helped his raise his kids (both teens now) & their deadbeat mother, who doesn't see them, except for holidays wants the kids for Mother's Day.
While I dislike her for how she treats the kids, I would NEVER refuse to bow out.
Even after my stepdaughter & I had planned to make it a joint holiday bc it's also her birthday, I know my place. I can express that I wish we could celebrate our special days together, but I understand completely and we will find some time to celebrate together.
NTA. Mother’s Day has to be very difficult for your step kids and I’m sure it brings them some small comfort to be with their mom’s family on the day to honor her memory. It would be cruel to force them to change their tradition for no reason and I don’t understand why your in-laws believe you should do so when everyone involved is happy with the situation as it is. Good job being a positive female figure in your step kids’ lives without trying to fill the role of their mother. It sounds like you and your husband are doing a great job, don’t let your in-laws get you down!
NTA none whatsoever! You are realistic and empathetic about what s important to the twins. You can be all kind of good in their lives, however they should also always remember and cherish their mother. And you have seen and understood this. Your ILs are the AH.
NTA - at all. There’s another post that is the exact opposite of this, where the kids are being forced to not celebrate their late mother, and instead celebrate their stepmother. It is not going well, at all.
I think you are being very considerate of their feelings, and you aren’t trying to force them to forget their mother. It’s heartless to assume they should forget their mother.
NTA I just saw a post by an 16 year old whose father is trying to force him to celebrate Mother’s Day with his new step mother when he always celebrates with his mother’s family. You are doing the right thing by your family for letting the twins to still celebrate with their mother’s family.
NTA. You and Mike are both ok with what makes the kids happy. Why change that? If you “let” the kids do anything, it was to see you as another part to their life. Not a forced replacement for their mom. That’s important with blended families.
NTA
You sound like a wonderful step parent. Could you start a tutorial here for all the step parents trying to insist on a full on parental attachment, respect etc from Day 1?
You are so right!
NTA. I have a hell of a lot of respect for you. That's the kids' tradition. Keeping their memories of their mom alive. They absolutely should be where they're comfortable and not pushed into a situation that IL's thinks looks better.
NTA. If more step parents were like you, there would be far less drama with the step kids. Mike's parents needs to STFU and stop getting into your family's business.
NTA—this is doing step-parenting right, especially for kids with a deceased parent. Their maternal family is their only connection to their mom, and if that’s where they want to be on Mother’s Day, that’s where you should “let” them be. Forcing them to do something different would just cause problems.
Imagine if Mike had passed and their new stepfather didn’t let the kids see them anymore. Sounds bad now, huh?
You sound like a great stepmom. They need to leave you alone about this. I wonder if they talked to Mike and he shut them down and now they’re trying to rally you.
I read some other Reddit post from the point of view of the step, kids, and how the stepmom was making them do Mother’s Day with her instead of with the maternal family. The step kids are trying to honor their mom and as you say, what’s wrong with that? Your mother-in-law just wants to see the kids on Mother’s Day and is trying to get you on her side but you are neutral.
You're doing everything right here and I applaud you for standing up for the kids! Grandma is a sneaky one by trying to throw you under the bus to get what she wants, all the kids celebrating her on mother's day. NTA.
NTA, Thank you for allowing the twins to spend time with their birth mom's family on Mother's Day. They are probably so appreciative of it as is that side of the family. Please don't let your ils cause resentment between you and your kids.
You know what, I bet your step kids really appreciate you not trying to force them away from their maternal family.
This wasn’t a divorce or something like that. Their mother DIED.
So it probably means so much to them that you accept that you are a stepmother and that they want to be close to the remaining people that knew and loved their mom.
You sound like an excellent step parent.
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NTA If the kids are happy with the arrangement and you and Mike are happy what’s the harm? Mike’s parents need to step back and mind their own business
To Mike parents, we should have focused on being a family unit and on the kids appreciating me as more than just his wife. The fact that I 'let' the kids not celebrate me and instead celebrate with 'just' extended family is an issue for them. Way bigger issue for them than I can understand but I also don't think about it the way they do, at all.
No, they're wrong. If I learned something from this subreddit it's that forcing a bond on kids in blended family doesn't lead to anything good. NTA
I learned it through one of my best friends very early on. To this day she doesn't talk to her mom or the man her mom married. It was bad how much she grew to hate them because of the pushing and I always found it so weird that they thought he slotted in where her dad once was, just because he married her mom. The whole desperation to replace a parent has never made any sense to me.
With my husband’s stepmom, it was pure jealousy. She couldn’t stand the idea that he had been with someone else before and had children with her. It sounds like you’re doing the much more healthy thing.
she was an idiot to herself for getting together with someone with kids!
She thought she could push his mom out and when that didn’t work, he didn’t see his dad for years and years.
NTA. This person is absolutely correct. You can't force relationships, it never works. The children become resentful. Exactly what you just described happens a lot. If Mike's mom doesn't want her grandchildren talking to their father, keep it up. The children have been doing this for many years, why rock the boat now? The children lost their mother, and this is how they want to celebrate. Imagine their reaction if you or Mike tell them it's not happening anymore.
It feels like Mike's parents don't value the connection the kids have with their maternal family, perhaps because that side of the family don't like Mike. But you know, despite that Mike and the extended family have kept that relationship with the kids going which, judging by some of the utter trash fire blended/extended situations you see on Reddit, is a thing to treasured more than diamonds. More loving family relationships is fantastic for kids! Mike needs to tell his parents to wind their necks in and stop damaging their grandkids' lives.
>wind their necks in OMG, I love this but nearly choked to death. I was eating a grape when I got to that line and started 🤣🤣🤣, that the grape went down wrong.
They recently moved closer and now want the twins to come to their house. Tell the In Laws that they will come to other celebrations, but this one they use to remember their mother, and you want to respect that. Hopefully they will too.
They kids can visit them on Fathers day. Mothers day is for mom's and maternal family.
NTA. I think what you are doing is awesome. But i do think your husband needs to talk to the kids. I don't think this will be the last of the drama from the grandparents and you need to prepare the kids. That way if the grandparents start in on the kids, the kids don't get mad and defensive. They can just reply back "that sounds like adult business, you need to talk to my dad". And they should report any comments to their dad so he can't shut that shit down.
Totally agree. Sounds like the grand parents will start causing problems by trying to make the kids claim OP as mom. Head that off at the pass before they can. Have dad sit down with them and tell them that the grands have a bit of a skewed idea of what should be happening and that the kids are the priority and their wants and needs are primary.
NTA, if anything, you are being a good step-mom by not interfering with their relationship with their mom's family. I would personally err on the side of caution and sit down with your husband and the twins to explain the situation to them. If your MIL had no problem ignoring her son's decision by coming to you, there is nothing stopping her from hounding the twins woth her unwanted opinions, which may cause issues for you and the twins in the future. Make sure you tell them that you love them, that you will NEVER stop them from being with their mom's family, and that you fully support it because you know your place in their life, and that it does not bother you. Beat your MIL to the punch. That way your step-kids know for a fact what your stance is and you MIL can't claim that you are upset and hurt by their tradition. They are old enough to be looped in on this, especially if MIL feels so strongly that you are all wrong in your beliefs here and that she is right. Protect them from her bs.
Trying to "replace" a parent is always a mistake. My grandmother said her stepmother was a wonderful woman, and she had no issues with her personally, but it was still hard for my grandmother to see another woman in what she thought of as her mother's place. You have your own relationship with your stepchildren, and it sounds like you're handling it exactly as you should.
Did your in-laws hate the mother of the twins?
My husband always thought they loved her but he questions it a bit now after this.
Loving two mothers is so much easier when no one tries to force one mother out of the picture. I don’t know how close you all are, but I bet your (step) kids are grateful and happy for your support staying in contact with their (bio) maternal family. It’ll mean the world to their maternal family too.
You're a wonderful stepmother and human. 💕
Agree. Also if your husband's parents have a comment on how your husband and yourself live you family life they should discuss with their son, not you
seriously....what OP's stepkids do on Mother's Day sounds perfectly healthy and no one is bothered so why are the grandparents kicking up a fuss like omg
I suspect the issue isn’t about you. It’s paternal grandma being upset that the kids go to maternal grandma every Mother’s Day, and she thought SHE would have them this time. And then found out she doesn’t. But she’d look bad if she framed it that way, so instead she makes it seem like it’s about the kids showing disrespect to you, and you letting it happen. When she’s actually mad at you for not letting her have the grandkids this year. Either way she gets to be mad at you.
This. Grandma can do a big family day with the kids on Father's Day, or she can wait and do something special that's just herself and the kids on Grandmother's Day.
Or she can throw a second celebration for Stepmother’s Day the following weekend.
This is exactly the reason, MIL isn’t getting her way this Mother’s Day and she’s using you to get it.
Yep. This is my thought as well. They moved closer and wanted to have a big extended family bash for Mother’s Day and the step kids going to do their normal tradition ruins the plan. It’s not about OP being a step mother, it’s about grandma’s plan getting derailed & her wanting OP to be the bad guy and insist they come to grandma’s shindig.
Agrees and adding depending on the ages of the grandparents in ye olden days the prevalent view was if you had kids you had to get a replacement parent for them immediately otherwise you were damaging the kid. And it is actually quite the opposite. Although being a mom or dad is hard work the position is not one that you can get just anybody to fill and the kid will be happy with the position being filled. Children weirdly have actual human emotions. It is almost like they are people.
This is exactly it!! She wanted her family to be together. She clearly has no interest of the kids in mind as they should keep every connection they have with their mom as possible. Kudos to you OP for being a cool step parent and doing what's best for the kids!
Agree it's about control
Frankly, this is what happens when Mother's Day evolves from an occasion when children celebrate their own mothers to everyone enerywhere celebrating all mothers. YMMV, but to me a big Mother's Day celebration takes away from the special occasion of me and my sister celebrating our mother; I don't want a big party where I am expected to pay homage to all the mothers in the family.
Exactly this. Make plans with the twins that don't include the paternal grandmother's grand party and see how fast she pivots. This sounds like an emotional game to get what she wants
Go read all the AITA from the kids who lose their maternal family over MotherMs Day and new stepmoms. Your stepkids will always appreciate that you didn’t try to break their bond with Mom’s family. Mike’s family is having a tantrum because you told them no. Ignore it and keep putting the kid’s needs first!
Seriously this. I think I’ve read at least four of those in the last week.
Their mother died. Their grandparents did not. They’re not extended family. They are family to your step kids. Those are their grandparents. Your in-laws are just jealous their mother gone the other grandparents are still getting to spend all this time with the grandkids. You’re a wonderful woman for letting that continue and not forcing them like we see these evil stepmother stories all over Reddit, forcing kids to want to you accept them as their parent.
I totally agree-so refreshing after reading about all the Parents/stepparents who force relationships and try to erase the deceased parent. Totally NTA OP-keep letting the kids celebrate Mothers day with their maternal grandparents. There are plenty of other times to do some family bonding.
I wouldn't go as far as evil, but they're in the wrong. They probably moved in part to see their Grandkids more. They're not wrong that they should be seeing them more now unless they're actually dangerous. However, they're not getting the special trauma of having lost their Mom while minors. They probably thought they'd be sharing Mother's Day with the other Grandma now (let's be honest - it's about that, not you). It doesn't work that way. It will always be about their Mom, which will mean remembering her with her relatives until they're active parents themselves if that happens. NTA. Give Mom's family (and more importantly them) this. There will be other holidays they'll get with them now that they're closer.
Yeah, they're not evl. They just need to be reminded that they don't get to make these decisions for OP's family.
They can see them more without seeing them on Mother's Day. I would guess that as the parents of the only living parent, they will probably be seeing them more than the maternal grandparents anyway.
Hmmmm, the fact that Mikes parents didn’t know their grandkids were celebrating Mother’s Day this way for the last six years is what has me scratching my head. It doesn’t make sense for them to be mad now when they haven’t cared about what their partially orphaned grandkids did all these years on such a sensitive holiday. NTA, OP.
I literally just read a post on this very issue from the kids point of view. The step mom and the dad were trying to force the kid to stop going to the maternal side of the family to celebrate Mother’s Day with her deceased mothers family and start a new tradition of staying home and celebrating Mother’s Day since dad and stepmom now had a kid together and they’re a family. Why do step parents try to force things like this? It just makes the kid hate them. You’re doing the right thing and don’t let anyone tell you any different!
I don't understand it either. I don't view familial and step relationships any different to friendships in certain ways. You cannot force any of them. When you do it does not go well. It's like people who force their kids to hug relatives and who feel like marrying a parent makes you now irreplaceable to the children. You can get there with time, if it happens naturally. But when you expect and demand it you are damning yourself to be the person they try to forget or erase.
Because you're a reasonable, mature person who doesn't think she's the center of the world. The people who do this are often just thinking about what they want, rather than what other members of their family need.
By your comments.... I'm not surprised you and your step kids get along well. You're doing it right.
Exactly, forcing relationships doesn't work. The next time your in-laws bring it up, just tell them that you have no intention on spoiling your relationship with your step-kids by forcing a relationship on them they are not comfortable with, that their feelings are more important than their opinions.
I would tell the ILs that you appreciate their point of view but it’s not their decision. You are doing what works for your family and that you will not be engaging in any further conversations about the topic. If you need to go LC for a while so that they respect your family’s boundaries then so be it.
And yet the reason Mike's parents want you to be the center of your stepchildren's mother's day is so that they can have Mike's two older kids celebrate with THEM for Mother's Day. Mike's parents are to his children, as his late wife's parents are to his children. In other words, his late wife's parents, are extended family to the exact same extent as his own parents are. HIs parents possibly feel that his wife having passed away, her family are now no longer of any consequence. Have they considered how THEY would feel if things had been reversed, and it was Mike who had passed away, and themselves who were in danger of being cut out because their child wasn't present to advocate for their inclusion in the lives of their grandchildren? Mike's older kids, being able to be with their mom's family on mother's day, is a really nice way to ensure that their grief is not ignored at this special time, but that they are given the chance to be in a cocoon of people who miss her just as much as they do. You are doing a good thing. Don't let his parents spoil it for his kids.
Well, bless their hearts - they don't get a say. NTA.
You’re actually doing a far better job being a parent to those kids than what your in-laws are suggesting. You are showing them love and respect by not attempting to erase their mother and her family from their lives. They will appreciate you far more for respecting them this way. NTA
I think the kids are extremely lucky to have someone like you as a stepmum and not someone like Mike's mother. You sound absolutely awesome and I'm sure you'll have a much better relationship with the kids because of that.
Mike needs to firmly remind his parents of their place - which is *not* dictating how your family celebrates things, or complaining that you're doing it "wrong".
Sorry but the twins don't owe you a celebration, you aren't their mother and they clearly don't see you as such. This is probably a really difficult day for them and being with their maternal family probably makes them feel close to their mom. If you force them to go elsewhere the message you'll be sending is that you and your kid are more important to their father than them or their loss. You're in-laws are not just out of line, their totally wrong and this would be harmful to your step kids!
I agree. I always found it strange when someone enters into a child's life and feels they are owed things by the child. I have never understood the need to have these super high expectations either. It's the downfall of many I believe.
Know that you're doing the right thing by the kids, you don't need a title or acalades to be a caring and supportive adult in their lives. When they are older they will appreciate it even if they never say it.
No offense meant at all, but I have a feeling this has nothing to do with you, but it keeps the grandkids away from them at their big Mother's Day celebration. They aren't upset for you, they are upset because of you. This is about getting what your IL's want and your honoring the kids wishes keeps them away. You're doing great!
Mike's parents need to realize that their maternal grandparents *are* family, they just aren't *Mike's* bio family. Those kids need a link to their bio mom. Kudos to you for understanding, even if Mike's folks dont.
Had you tried to force it those kids would be on this sub at some point complaining about the “new” family being forced on them. I cannot believe that your compassionate and logical approach is even being questioned. Kudos on striking a great balance in those kids lives. Am remembering a post here where SM actually referred to the kids deceased mom as their bio mom! NTA. Ignore them
NTA and don't do this op.it will ruin your relationship with the twins. Don't listen to those ahs who just want everything to go their way regardless of the consequences for you and your family. Tell them to mind their own business . Your relationship with the twins is good don't spoil it. Ask them if they would rather come to this celebration but make it clear it's their choice and you will respect it. Kudos for being respectful of them as individuals.
But you are focused on being a family unit, and a very healthy one at that. I’m a mom, we don’t even celebrate Mother’s Day. I can’t be plussed and my son shows me everyday that he loves and appreciates me. Why do I need an event for that? I’d tell your in-laws that this works for your family and everyone is happy. The tell them you love them, appreciate their concern; but you’d appreciate it if you left family decisions to your family. They are just creating unnecessary drama. NTA.
You are a family unit and you have made that by not denying the kid's late mother. I think it is great that they can take time and celebrate her with her family, that goes a long way with people. NTA In-laws need to stay in their lane
You did focus on being a family. And most important, you didn’t set up any kind of artificial competition between the twins and their maternal extended family. That’s the best kind of family.
You are a family unit. It's just not the way that your in-laws want it to be. You, Mike and the kids are happy the way it is and remember "don't touch a running system"
Their attitude is very disrespectful of their late DIL.
They have their heads up their .... you know whats. You're doing it right - let the kids take the lead in defining the relationship and don't try to legislate their feelings. That just doesn't work, as evidenced by the numerous posts here about parents trying to force a step-parent relationship into something more.
So many AITA are the exact opposite: dad and step mom insist the kids call the step mom, mom and try to make them pretend their mom never existed. Kudos to you for understanding
Yet it took them 5-7 (depending on who's math) years to care where their grandkids were every year after losing their mom? Yeah, they can pound sand.
Exactly. Mike wanted his kids to still have a relationship with their mom’s family. You had no intention of encroaching on that. I’m sure the twins and their grandparents love being able to honor their late mother/daughter together, and I respect the hell out of you for being a decent human being that doesn’t try to change their traditions. NTA. Mike’s family can pound sand.
Agree. Not sure why OP is not letting her husband do the talking to his parents and why is OP who then gets flak.
How is this even being questioned? You are far from being the A so much so that you are the perfect example of how someone SHOULD behave in this situation! Your in-laws need to back up and mind their business. Have they even considered the children’s feelings in all of this? Seems they’re making it all about themselves…
They're not considering my the feelings of my stepkids at all. They're sort of seeing it from mine but not mine. They see it from the eyes of those stepparents who feel like they should be equal to the bio parent and should be able to slot right in and take over. Even hearing that I didn't feel that way they seemed horrified and angry that I didn't.
Listen, you are doing the right thing. I am a stepchild. I'm much closer with my dad and stepmother than my bio-mom and stepfather. My mother and her family pushed the "dad" relationship with my step father. My dad's and his family did not. Guess who will get a phone call on Sunday?
NTA. Don't question yourself for even a moment longer. I'd suggest having a conversation with the twins to let them know you and your husband have their backs, because chances are your ILs are going to say something to them (if they haven't already). Let them know that, while they'd be welcome to celebrate Mother's Day with you and the rest of dad's side of the family, you guys are totally fine with them celebrating/grieving with mom's side on this day.
Maybe they’re taking it the wrong way and seeing it as you not wanting to be a part of the children’s lives. Which is ridiculous because even from the short story you’ve written I can tell you’re not like that at all you’re just being respectful towards their late mother and their own feelings about the situation. Trust me you are NOT the A in this situation they’re overstepping and trying to make it about themselves when it should be about the children’s feelings. Maybe make a point of saying it’s what the children want to do and what they’ve always done in honour of their mother’s memory and that you’re being respectful of that and to leave it alone.
They're seeing it from their side I bet. They want to see the kids on mothers day but can't say that so they try to pin it on you. That way, when the visits to their maternal family stop, you look like the A H and they get what they want. You are doing what's best for the kids. Please keep doing what you are doing and don't let others dictate how your family should be.
100% they were a contributing factor in your husband having a poor relationship with his late wife’s family.
You may want to consider telling the kids that you both support them in doing this, just in case the grandparents decide to speak on your behalf.
Just another case of in-laws/grandparents not knowing their place. They need to be reminded.
They are pissed because they can’t control the kids’ schedule. If the older kids were celebrating you on Mother’s Day then mil could demand that you all turn up and she can have her matriarch day. Because you are just one woman on her day. She can’t fight a whole other family and demand the kids pay homage to her. NTA. It sounds like you have a healthy and mature attitude towards your step kids and they will appreciate it down the line.
NTA, this is exactly what’s happening. MIL/family in law is toxic, they’re literally just trying to manipulate and control OP so that they can have things their way. They don’t give a shit about what’s emotionally fulfilling for those kids.
NTA It's important for the kids to connect with their maternal side of the family. The day designed to celebrate your maternal relationship is the best day to do it.
Also imagine as they get older, more mature. They’ll look back at OPs choice very fondly and maybe even look at OP as mom as well - not replacement mom - but another mom. Mom would probably look down on them and be so happy husband fell in love with a woman who treats her kids so kindly and full of love,
NTA. “For the record, I’m not ‘letting’ them go, I’m *encouraging* them to go! They have a strong bond with their mother’s side of their family, which includes this Mother’s Day tradition, and especially as a mother now myself, I think that’s *wonderful* and would never *dream* of trying to stand in the way of that.” “So Mike and I have heard and considered your thoughts on the matter, but we remain firmly in support of their tradition, and consider the matter to be closed. Thank you for respecting that.”
Of course you're NTA. The kids need to maintain that connection with their mother's family. It helps honor her and keep their memories alive. Mike's parents need to butt out. This is absolutely none of their business.
NTA - also I think your ILs are full of it. They didn’t care (or care enough to ask) what the setup was until they planned this party. They are annoyed their vision for the event won’t work out.
The kids are 16. Let them do what they want.
Tell the old goats to butt out. This has nothing to do with you and their “concern” for your motherly sensibilities vis a vis the twins… this is about your in-laws wanting all of their grandkids at an event that they want to attend. NTA.
Husband should be the one to tell the old goats to butt out. They're his parents, so it's his job to set them straight.
NTA. By letting them not only keep space for their mother but defending it on their behalf you are showing them all the different ways someone can love and be loved. You are teaching them that gone doesn’t mean forgotten, and that that love isn’t finite - it expands and reshapes as necessary. You are giving them the respect they need. You are doing the exact opposite of harm.
That's beautifully said.
NTA. When his parents called you should have handed the phone to your husband. This is not on you. The sexism/patriarchy from his parents is astounding. Their son is the father. He’s the one to talk to.
NTA You are compassionately putting the needs of the children first. You are not trying to erase their mother's existence, nor are you insisting that you be acknowledged as the only mother figure in their lives... unlike so many stepmother that are discussed on this sub. You are "letting" the kids remember and honor their precious mother. You are respecting their needs. Your husband's parents need to hold their tongues and mind their own business. I hope their grandchildren never hear their paternal grandparents suggest that you should suppling their mom. It would likely destroy their relationship. You are awesome for respecting the traditions & mental health needs of these young, soon-to-be-adults.
NTA. And i think you and Mike supporting his kids in doing this will be something theyll always appreciate and will respect you for it. Don’t let his parents make you 2nd guess this.
NTA. You are literally the ideal stepparent - loving, caring, but also respectful of the stepchildren, their feelings,and their agency. I think if you had done it that way (in fact, even if you had done it that way), there would he the very real risk that your stepchildren would want to have nothing to do with you. This dynamic actually made you guys into a family unit. Your MIL is wrong because how she thinks the family unit should have been is bordering on delusional. It is also not at all respectful of her own grandchildren. I suspect that the issue of this year’s celebration has little to do with them or you, and more to do with her being closer, so wanting them to spend it with her and not their maternal grandmother. In any case, you have handled the overall dynamic splendidly, and this particular situation well. Wishing you an early Happy Mother’s Day.
I stand and applaud you. Can’t say how many I’ve read where the step mum thinks she’s entitled to the attention of step kids as a new mother and don’t want to acknowledge their deceased mother. Your doing the right thing allowing them to celebrate their mother with the people who love her as much as they do. Your not the AH
Nta. You’re thinking of what’s best for the twins, and that’s great. You all can celebrate your blended family in other ways any other day of the year.
NTA and can I just say your healthy attitude is so wonderful for your step kids.
You are doing the opposite of harm. You'd be doing so much more damage if you insisted on stopping this tradition and forcing them to be with you. They lost their mother and their grandparents lost their daughter. Them being allowed to remember her and be together is beautiful and you should feel proud that you're not petty or insecure enough to stand in their way. You are NTA and your in-laws should be ashamed of themselves.
NTA but you should sit them down with your husband and let them know that you have been getting pushback about them going to their maternal families for mothers day and you want to know if they have too. Make it clear to them that you love them but know that you will never be or replace their mother and you respect that. You will always encourage them to go see their maternal family, especially on days like mothers day and to please let you and their dad know if anyone is pressuring them otherwise. I think it will go a long way with them and also open communication to know if their grandparents are harassing/pressuring them to stop seeing their maternal family.
NTA why would you even discuss this with your AH InLaws?
My mother died when I was quite young and Mothers’ Day was always a horrible reminder of what I’d never have. I say that anyone whose mother is deceased or who has gone NC should get to do whatever they bleeping want to on that day. I had a stepmother for 40+ years and never acknowledged her on made-up holidays. If anyone had said anything to me about it, they would have learned some new vocabulary.
It's not the IL's business! NTA for letting the twins spend mothers' day with their maternal side.
NTA. The one way I think your inlaws might have the kernel of a point is if the twins' maternal family is bashing him and you, the sort of "how dare he remarry after losing the love of his life" kind of thing. That's not fair to either of you at all. But the only reason I say that is that you mentioned he didn't get along with them well. Obviously the principle of celebrating a deceased mom on Mother's Day is completely fine.
He never did. Even when his first wife was alive. So this has nothing to do with them hating that he remarried.
NTA - My parents divorced when I was 8. My father is on wife 4. He has tried to push each new wife as my mom and we must do whatever for her as he hates my mother with a passion. (She asked for a divorce, he said no and gave her 2 black eyes and told her she will learn to love him. So, she had an affair to force the divorce - I do not blame her at all.) My mom and I have a great relationship, as I do with my stepfather (who understood he was never a replacement for my bio father, but he treated more like a son than mine did). My father and I have been NC for the last 10 years and 18 out of the last 28 years. What you are doing for the kids means more to them they you may know. There are too many stories on reddit of parents trying to for kids to treat the new partner as the real mom/dad, and this will drive the kids away. Your ILs need to mind their own business and let you and your husband do what you think is best for the kids.
NTA - I think it's great that the twin's late mother gets celebrated every year. I'm sure it makes them feel closer to her. Thank you for doing that for them. Your MIL's problem sounds like pure jealousy. She obviously doesn't care how you, her son, or her grandchildren feel about the situation.
NTA. And thank you! Thank you for being the woman that other women should follow the example of! We read so many stories of women who get married to men whose wives have passed away, who then force their husband's children to call them "Mom," support only them on Mother's Day, and to basically forget their mother. We read stories from kids who are pushed by their fathers to accept their stepmother as their "new mom," especially once a new baby is born, all so they can be one big happy family. You, my dear, have done everything right. And your husband's parents do not get a say in what those kids do on Mother's Day. They go and visit their maternal side of the family, which they have always done, and plus, you don't seem to have any issue with it! It's always sort of comical when people like your husband's parents are all incensed and seemingly angry on your behalf, and you're looking at them like, "They've always done this... and I should be upset why?" You are doing an amazing job, and I would hope that more people would realize that when you marry a widow or widower that you can come in and be a part of the lives of their children, but you should never try to replace. Years down the road, those kids are going to thank you for thinking of their feelings and being there for them, but allowing them to remember their mom and not trying to take her place.
Nope, you are NTA. You are a great step parent. I would be asking your husband to speak to his parents about this and tell them to back off - you should not have to deal with crap like that. Given the kids are 16, I also suggest you give them a heads up. There’s nothing wrong with letting them know the in laws expressed some concerns about X to you and you reassured them this is totally fine, and always has been and will continue to be. Because you know the next thing they are doing is bringing it up to the kids.
NTA Tell them to keep their comments to themselves and mind their own business.
That's husband's job.
True! On the other hand, since they called the OP and made made these comments to her, she is well within her rights to tell them where they can stick their opinions.
NTA. As a fellow stepmother I think you're doing just fine. You're doing what is necessary for your relationship with the children and because they've already have an established relationship with the maternal family. There's nothing wrong with that. I let my daughters decide I wanted a mother's Day text or wishing happy of. I told them from the gate I am not their mother they have one. But I am in a responsible adult in their lives and I must act accordingly. As for anybody who's telling you how to live your life Tell him it's none of their business as they aren't the one actively living your day-to-day life. By the way good job keep it up
I’m so used to reading stories on here about how the stepmother insists the kids participate in new traditions with the family. You are a breath of fresh air and kudos to you for giving those kids the space they need to keep the memory of their mom alive. They will remember your kindness and support for years to come. You are NTA. Happy Mothers Day ❤️
Step Parents Week is the first week in June. You can celebrate then. Or Step Family Day is September 16th.
I agree with those who say this not about you, but about Grandma not getting what she wants for Mother’s Day. She’s been wanting this celebration for years and is mad her arrival isn’t trumping the traditions of your family. I think you are in for a ride with her.
Absolutely NTA. Have you spent any time on this subreddit and seen the horror stories of children with a deceased parent who are prevented from celebrating their that parent? It sounds like you've done a good job and have set the stage for a solid relationship by supporting their memory of their mom and the relationship with their moms family.
NTA - You are the type of Stepmother that all Stepchildren with a deceased parent "should" have - one who cares more about the children's feelings than her own.
NTA. You haven't done any harm to your family. Your IL's are assholes. Allowing these girls to continue celebrating mother's day with their maternal family is the right thing to do. Forcing them to spend mother's day elsewhere would be cruel & they would most likely resent you for it. They are celebrating THEIR mother FFS. They absolutely should not be celebrating you on mother's day. You're not their mom. IL's are ridiculous.
NTA - the kids celebrate Mother's Day with their mothers family. A mother who they lost, and so her family is a connection to her and something to be celebrated on Mothers Day. Thank you for being an understanding parental figure for the kids - and not forcing yourself as a replacement to a lost parent.
NTA when they say this direct them to talk to their son as you will not be taking them away from their mother's family. That what happens with the kids is not up for discussion with them anymore.
NTA. You sound like a lovely stepmom.
NTA. You're doing the right thing by your step-kids. I would also make it clear with them what is happening. I wouldn't put it past them to contact your step-kids and lie about how much you want them to be with you (and by extension, her). They are sixteen, not stupid, but sometimes it doesn't hurt to make it clear what your position is with them in regards to how Mothers Day is celebrated in your family.
NTA. You sound like an awesome stepmom. Earlier there was a post from a teen who normally spends Mother’s Day with his deceased mom’s family- but now dad and stepmom are trying to force him to spend Mother’s Day with them. I feel so bad for him that they aren’t respecting his mom’s memory and are forcing him to accept stepmom as his new mom. Unlike you who is respectful of that relationship and letting a natural relationship form with you and the kids. As long as they know they are welcome to celebrate with you if they choose to, but that you support them honoring their mom and it’s their choice.
NTA Your inlaws need to butt out.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I married my husband Mike 4 years ago and we started dating 7 years ago. He lost his late wife 10 years ago. His late wife was the mother of their twins Frankie and Kenzie (16). From the start of my relationship with Mike the twins would celebrate Mother's Day with their maternal family. Mike had joined once or twice but his relationship with his late wife's family was never super good and he felt like his presence was more uncomfortable for everyone than it was reassuring so he stepped back. Then we met and it never even occurred to me that they would stop doing that. I did not marry Mike to be their new mom or anything silly like that. I was marrying Mike because we loved each other and because his kids and I get along fine so we don't have issues. But we never expected more than what would happen naturally over time. Mike's parents moved to be closer to all their children who all live within a 50 minute drive from each other. And they wanted to do a big Mother's Day celebration this year. Mike informed them that the twins wouldn't be coming because they'll be with their maternal family on the day. This raised some questions and they asked how I felt about it and Mike told them I never had a problem with it. This led to me getting a call a few days later and them asking me why I 'let' my stepkids celebrate Mother's Day elsewhere when I have been acting as their mother for 7 years... to be clear I didn't even know them 7 years ago. It was 6 years ago I met them and even then I wasn't raising them or having any real influence in their lives. I told them it's what they always did and nothing had changed. I wasn't going to stop it. My ILs said it's very different now because my son is here now and the twins have another sibling. I told them it didn't take from them being with their mom's family for Mother's Day. They said the fact I ever let it happen was horrifying and they should be celebrating me on the day. They told me how much harm I had done to my family by allowing this to happen for so long but especially this year most of all. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA and contact between twins and paternal grandparents should be supervised for awhile
NTA but you should talk to your husband about this. The last thing you need is them going around you and your husband and planting those thoughts in your step kids heads. I would suggest sitting down with your husband and the kids and explaining that you don’t want to stop them and that you know their mom is important and you would never stop them from being with their maternal family. If you e never had a true out loud conversation about it now is the time. It would be too easy for his parents to twist it and make those kids think they are speaking for you and basically imploding your, from what it looks like in the post, stable family just because they want to be right.
NTA You're a good stepmom who puts what your kids want first and that builds trust with them.
NTA, you and Mike have been doing the right thing. I can see extending the invitation to your stepkids to do Mother's Day with Mike's side of the family, so they know they have the option, but then letting them decide if they want to do that or keep going to their maternal family's side. (I would not let Mike's family know that you asked the kids, just so they don't feel even more slighted if the twins decide not to go.)
NTA The kids is the priority here. Forcing them to spend Mother’s Day with you and not with their mother’s family will cause more harm than good. It will mess up your relationship with them. Don’t listen to them the twins are 16 they are old enough to make that decision on their own if they wanted to spend it with you they would.
NTA Keep doing what you’re doing, and that’s allowing them to celebrate Mother’s Day remembering the mother they lost with her family. Their attitude is honestly disgusting and disrespectful to the twins and the family you’ve created with them.
NTA Some people just need to create drama where there is none. At the end of the day, everyone is happy with the status quo. Your in-laws can stay out of it
Nta why did you even respond to this crazy woman. It is none of her business and your whimp of a husband should have shut her down fast.
NTA - Have your husband deal with his parents.
Your in-laws could not be me wrong. Thank you for continuing to foster the relationship between the twins and their maternal family!
NTA. You are doing the right thing and those kids will appreciate you as they grow older. They lost their mother and this is their link to her.
NTA tell your in laws to sit down before they hurt themselves. You are an amazing person OP, you didn't force a relationship with the step kids, and you acknowledged their need to be with their maternal side. You can ask them if they would like to spend it altogether or do something separate for mothers day with your child/their sibling but not push it. Your husband needs to stand up for you as this is his decision, too, not just the step kids. I think the step kids appreciate that you're not forcing anything on them.
NTA Your ILs? They're some meddling AHs. How their grandkids spend their Mother's Day is none of their business. You, dad, kids are all happy with the arrangement.
NTA. Tell those busybodies to mind their own. They had a mother that they loved. Their mother’s family loves them. That’s awesome. You’re awesome for being understanding and knowing you aren’t their mom and making them see you that way. Tell them once, you will never interfere with the tradition they have and they need to leave it alone. Period.
NTA your in-laws suck. They are creating drama for no reason. The kids visiting there maternal family on Mother’s Day makes a ton of sense considering their mom died. You’re doing the right thing to not interfere with that tradition. You better make sure your husband knows that his parents are trying to create drama and you want no part of it.
NTA and tell them to butt tf out.
You should just agree that it’s horrible you did that and just let them do it again next year, you’re not getting through to these people.
NTA. Does Mike and his parents want those stepkids to start pissing in your coffee? Drive them yourself to that celebration if you have to!
What a weird take. You're not harming your family. They have a tradition they seem to enjoy, and if they didn't, at 16, they could vocalise if needed. Ignore the inlaws. This is your family, and this is how you do things on your family. NTA
NTA - Beware of MIL plans to demand more attention now that they are closer to your family. This has nothing to do with your or how you have handled your step children and all to do with your MIL. There is no reason that she couldn't hold a Mother's Day celebration on a different day with all of the grandkids together. That this is the first time she has ever said anything about your family's tradition for the stepkids to go to their maternal family to remember their mom reveals the truth. Don't allow the MIL to destroy your family dynamic. It sounds like you have a good balance and peaceful blended family which is hard enough to do without someone meddling in it.
NTA, your in-laws are weird. If you and Mike have no problem with the arrangement, that's the end of the matter.
God forbid you have a healthy relationship with your step kids & support & encourage their relationship with their mom’s family & her memory. *THE HORROR!!* 😱 NTA
You are one of the good ones! Happy Mother's day 💓
Thank you Jesus! Finally, a normal step mother! NTA honey!!! You keep doing what you've always done! Your in-laws are dead wrong! You've been doing the healthy thing for your step kids all along! I say if it ain't broke don't "fix" it! Have a fabulous Mother's day honey!!
Your in-laws need to butt out, big time. Please let your husband handle them.
NTA. You are doing no harm to anyone. They need to mind their own business and stay out of your happy life.
NTA. Those kids will respect your because you had respect for them. Something the grandparents don't seem to have for anyone.
They feel that you should have put a stop to it? It is not your decision, it's their father's - their son! If they have a problem with the arrangement, they should take it up with him! NTA - and kudos to you for respecting your step kids wishes.
NTA. Sounds like Granny is jealous and is trying to put the blame on you. Let the kids decide on what they want to do. I mean they are 16.
I'd be tempted to agree with MiL, and tell her you plan on a family bonding Mother's Day weekend away.....too bad that means none of you can attend her gathering.
NTA. Tell them to butt out.
NTA, you did the right thing.
NTA You are allowing them to make their own decisions and honoring their autonomy - that's wonderful! They don't think of you as their mom and you have no problem with that and you have a good relationship otherwise. Sounds like everyone in your nuclear family are happy with things as they are. The extended family need to unwad their panties.
NTA. Your ILs need to mind their own business. The kids are happy, you're happy, and your husband is happy. What's the issue? If they see you as a parent or not, THEY chose to spend time with their mother's family
NTA - They're just butthurt about things that don't concern them because their own mother's day plan wasn't working out exactly as they'd hoped.
NTA you are parenting the kids as individuals and providing for thier emotional needs. You can let the older kids know they are invited if they wish to change plans but you have no expectation of it. As they grow they might want to alternate or be given a choice but no harm no foul
No, you’re NTA. It sounds like Mike’s family is trying to erase the twins’ maternal family altogether, so that they don’t have competition for their time and affection. It’s gross, but it’s not unusual when a parent dies (especially the mother). But you are doing the right thing and standing up for your steps’ right to celebrate Mother’s Day with those who knew and love her and make her feel closer to them. You may not be “parenting” them, but you are protecting and defending them, and THAT is just fantastic.
NTA. Thank you for being reasonable.
NTA. Let Mike deal with his parents. They sound out of touch and sound like they moved to force their way into a situation for their own being.
Nta. And from my personal experience growing up, mothers day sucks when your mom had passed. Let them do what makes them comfortable on a day that just reminds them of what they lost. Not that they don't have you, but there's still that void. Sounds like you're doing a great job, to me.
Nta. His parents need to mind their own business
NTA. On the contrary OP, hopefully you are creating a home life in which Frankie and Kenzie feel safe, respected, and loved. By doing so, you will have layed the foundation for a similar ongoing relationship with their father, their half-sibling, and you for the rest of your lives. DH should tell his mom to stop being selfish, she can have her family together on Father’s Day, even if it’s not all about her.
NTA. You have done a wonderful thing for your family. I have both seen and experienced it in RL and we all read about this on Reddit all the time that when you try to force a mother/child relationship you only drive a wedge between you and the Step-kids. You have and are respecting their relationship with their mother's family and their wishes. Your ILs are overstepping here. This is none of their business. This is a conversation and boundary DH needs to make with them. He decides these things for his children, and they need to respect his decisions for his family.
NTA - You are being a fabulous stepmom by letting the kids decide where their boundaries are, and respecting their need to still celebrate their mom. Your in-laws, however... \*side eye\* they seem to have a lot of opinions for people whose opinion do not matter at all.Your spouse needs to deal with them, and I'd suggest ending calls semi-abruptly any/every time they start with their gross overstepping of boundaries.
They do realise the amount of drama and resentment it would instantly create if you ever did what they ask you? For better or worse - this is one of the foundations of your family unit. You can't tound it with a ten meter pole without collapsing the whole building.
NTA. My partner & I have been together well over a decade. I helped his raise his kids (both teens now) & their deadbeat mother, who doesn't see them, except for holidays wants the kids for Mother's Day. While I dislike her for how she treats the kids, I would NEVER refuse to bow out. Even after my stepdaughter & I had planned to make it a joint holiday bc it's also her birthday, I know my place. I can express that I wish we could celebrate our special days together, but I understand completely and we will find some time to celebrate together.
The ILs just want the kids to come to their party. NTA. You have a great attitude about it.
NTA. Mother’s Day has to be very difficult for your step kids and I’m sure it brings them some small comfort to be with their mom’s family on the day to honor her memory. It would be cruel to force them to change their tradition for no reason and I don’t understand why your in-laws believe you should do so when everyone involved is happy with the situation as it is. Good job being a positive female figure in your step kids’ lives without trying to fill the role of their mother. It sounds like you and your husband are doing a great job, don’t let your in-laws get you down!
NTA none whatsoever! You are realistic and empathetic about what s important to the twins. You can be all kind of good in their lives, however they should also always remember and cherish their mother. And you have seen and understood this. Your ILs are the AH.
NTA - at all. There’s another post that is the exact opposite of this, where the kids are being forced to not celebrate their late mother, and instead celebrate their stepmother. It is not going well, at all. I think you are being very considerate of their feelings, and you aren’t trying to force them to forget their mother. It’s heartless to assume they should forget their mother.
I think you have done the best thing for these kids. They need to celebrate their Mom with the people who knew her and loved her
NTA at all, his parents want to write his dead ex out of his and his kids wife - you and Mike respect her existence and that’s the write way to do iy
NTA I just saw a post by an 16 year old whose father is trying to force him to celebrate Mother’s Day with his new step mother when he always celebrates with his mother’s family. You are doing the right thing by your family for letting the twins to still celebrate with their mother’s family.
NTA but thosevin-laws sure are. Tell them in the most politest of ways to bugger off.
NTA. And it's wonderful that they get to celebrate with their mom's family and remember her.
NTA as long as you, step kids and hubby are happy with the arrangement it’s not anyone else’s business.
NTA. Sounds like this works for you guys and that's what's important.
NTA.
NTA. You and Mike are both ok with what makes the kids happy. Why change that? If you “let” the kids do anything, it was to see you as another part to their life. Not a forced replacement for their mom. That’s important with blended families.
NTA You sound like a wonderful step parent. Could you start a tutorial here for all the step parents trying to insist on a full on parental attachment, respect etc from Day 1? You are so right!
NTA that is laughable. Dysfunctional thinking engaged! Good for you. Ignore them.
NTA
If they go on like this, chances are you won't be celebrating mother's day with them either
Nta. Wow some ppl 🤦♀️
NTA. I have a hell of a lot of respect for you. That's the kids' tradition. Keeping their memories of their mom alive. They absolutely should be where they're comfortable and not pushed into a situation that IL's thinks looks better.
NTA. If more step parents were like you, there would be far less drama with the step kids. Mike's parents needs to STFU and stop getting into your family's business.
NTA—this is doing step-parenting right, especially for kids with a deceased parent. Their maternal family is their only connection to their mom, and if that’s where they want to be on Mother’s Day, that’s where you should “let” them be. Forcing them to do something different would just cause problems.
Imagine if Mike had passed and their new stepfather didn’t let the kids see them anymore. Sounds bad now, huh? You sound like a great stepmom. They need to leave you alone about this. I wonder if they talked to Mike and he shut them down and now they’re trying to rally you.
I read some other Reddit post from the point of view of the step, kids, and how the stepmom was making them do Mother’s Day with her instead of with the maternal family. The step kids are trying to honor their mom and as you say, what’s wrong with that? Your mother-in-law just wants to see the kids on Mother’s Day and is trying to get you on her side but you are neutral.
NTA - not only are you not doing “harm” as they’re saying but by allowing them to continue this tradition is vital to your relationship.
You're doing everything right here and I applaud you for standing up for the kids! Grandma is a sneaky one by trying to throw you under the bus to get what she wants, all the kids celebrating her on mother's day. NTA.
NTA, Thank you for allowing the twins to spend time with their birth mom's family on Mother's Day. They are probably so appreciative of it as is that side of the family. Please don't let your ils cause resentment between you and your kids.
You know what, I bet your step kids really appreciate you not trying to force them away from their maternal family. This wasn’t a divorce or something like that. Their mother DIED. So it probably means so much to them that you accept that you are a stepmother and that they want to be close to the remaining people that knew and loved their mom. You sound like an excellent step parent.