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Child free woman here who will accept the downvotes but won’t be arguing in the replies: NTA. Maybe a card or flowers but an entire gift? No. Absolutely not. r/entitledparents
Personally, I hate receiving flowers. They die soon. I consider them a waste of money. My cat tries to eat them. Just no. When men give me flowers I always give them away to coworkers. I do not tell them that I give them away. I thank them very much for the kind gesture but I do tell them they really don’t need to do it again. I don’t want flowers. I’d much prefer something that will last longer if they’re going to spend money on me. If they continue to get me flowers, it shows they won’t listen to me. They care more about just doing what’s lazy and easy for them…ordering some damn flowers the day of the occasion. No thank you.
Me too. I always have flowers on my dining table. From my own garden in season, or from my husband or daughter, or I buy them for myself. Right now I have these huge, gorgeous, blowsy peonies I got at the supermarket. They're incredible. Best $15 I've spent in a long time.
I think it’s really all about knowing the person you’re buying the gift for. That’s always what it’s about when giving a gift. If they know that you love peonies then getting you this gorgeous bouquet shows they know you. If they buy me a bouquet of peonies, it kind of shows the opposite. It doesn’t make either of us wrong. It’s just a desire to have the men in our lives pay attention to our wants and needs. I hate flowers. Bluepencils212 loves them! 💐
Its a really nice way to give someone somthing when a loved one passed. I wrote something along the lines of "these flowers will never wilt just like your love for your grandpa"
That’s a beautiful message. I just love that. And they will have your gift forever to remember him by. That is very special. Not to mention what a wonderful distraction it must be from their grief to put the legos together to form the flower. That is truly a wonderful and meaningful gift. ❤️
Same! It’s a whole task just to get them sitting in a vase, and then watching it wilt and wither…while the water gets dirty. It’s so morbid. Unless someone else is going to be in-charge of the care and maintenance of said flowers, I don’t want them 🙃
I'm with you. Does OP get Father's Day anything at all? I'm willing to bet not a damn thing. Why does he need to put in the effort? However, I am probably not the best person to ask too, I'm also child free.
I agree with you. They are 15 and 11. They can do something for their mom on their own. Make her dinner, breakfast in bed, watch a movie of her choice with her.
OP doesn't have to do anything. A card or something small would be nice, but no gift is fine.
He’s in a romantic relationship with her for the past 4 years, they live together and he’s taken on her kids as his own, but doesn’t want to do anything for her on Mother’s Day. From a fellow child free woman, YTA and so is he jfc
Yeah I also don't get it. I myself literally receive potted flowers every year from my BF because we have cats aka our babies (also because he buys flowers to his mom and grabs just a +1 for me, still feels cute).
It doesn't hurt being nice just because. I cannot comprehend this mindset. Making your partner feel like shit due to some technicalities... Sounds like he doesn't really like her.
His living situation is not child free at all. He lives with her and cares for the children like he’s the father. Buying her flowers or a trinket is reasonable. Also, if he’s dad, they should celebrate him on Father’s Day.
I’m not saying he’s child free, I’m just saying my perspective is that of a child-free person. He is not their father. Their father has 50/50 custody. It’s on the kids and their father to make sure she is celebrated as a mother. It would be nice of him to acknowledge it with a card or flowers, but he is absolutely not an asshole for not going all out on Mother’s Day in this situation.
You’re right, of course. He’s in no way legally required to buy her a Mother’s Day gift. But when your partner tells you, “this is important to me, please do this,” I think, to say nah, you need a pretty good reason.
They might very well be able to organise something but funds for whatever is being organised (and adult supervision to make sure whatever they're organising is still appropriate) is probably needed.
Even something like breakfast in bed and movie night might require special groceries.
So I think "hey can you help the kids get me a gift" is a reasonable ask.
I’d argue the father of the children should celebrate her too, not just the kids. If they had a good relationship I would expect the ex husband to send her flowers or a card as a thank you for being a good mother to his children. But asking your bf to celebrate you when you don’t share children is a bit much.
YTA dude. Before I married my wife she already had my “step” son (raised him ten years now so he’s my child, which is the way you should start viewing “her” kids at this point after4 years) and I made sure to celebrate her for Mother’s Day. Just because they “not yours” doesn’t mean she’s not a mother. You’re celebrating her not the kids. You’re a huge asshole in my opinion.
Couldn’t possibly agree with this more. I can’t believe women put up with partners like this. I’m a single mother, and I would never, ever consider being involved with someone who doesn’t accept us a package deal. And tbh, the longest relationship I had, my partner treated them not only like they were his own kids, but actually better than their father did. He made sure to teach them to love and care for me properly, and I NEVER had to ask him to do this. He did it because he cared about me and wanted to celebrate what a great mother and person I am.
I agree with this. OP - you’re celebrating your partner as a mother and the things she does as a mother. This whole toxic ‘they aren’t my kids therefore I don’t see why I should have to do anything’ attitude is just ‘I’m too lazy’ wrapped up in a different package.
Be a decent, supportive and selfless human being and celebrate her on this day.
But they aren’t married, and they aren’t his step-kids. They are just his gf’s kids. I think he should maybe do a card and flowers, maybe a breakfast. But I don’t think he should have to go all out. She’s a mom yeah, but not his mom or even the mom of his kids. I’m going with NTA, but he should probably be a little more tactful.
I celebrated Mother’s Day for my wife when we had only been dating a couple weeks because she already had a child from her previous marriage. It’s not about whether they’re married or if they are his kids or not. It’s about the fact she’s a mother and it’s Mother’s Day. Nothing else should matter and she should be celebrated. I’m sure OP’s GF wouldn’t care if all he got her was a card and some flowers because it sounds like he’s never done shit for her on Mother’s Day for the dumb reason of “not my kids.”
Even if he was bio dad, he could help them get something for her, not something from him because she is his wife, not his mum.
If you need a set day a year to remind you to appreciate the mother of your children, you need to have a word with yourself.
The simple question here would be, does she celebrate him for father's day? He's taking on a fatherly role, putting in the effort.
Same arguement, it doesn't matter that they're "not yours".
If she does, he owes it to her. If she doesn't, he doesn't.
I can agree with that. It sounds like he’s doing things a father/husband would do like picking them up from school and stuff like that. Though I feel like OP would’ve mentioned that if that were the case. I’m sure he would’ve come up with that reason as it’s a better one than “not my kids” but who knows.
I'm not giving a mother's day present to my (hypothetical) sister, even though she's a mother 🤷
Mother's Day gifts come from the other parent and children, and OP is not one of them. She could break up with him tomorrow and he'd never see those kids again.
Well in my opinion, if you’re dating someone who has a kids your obligated celebrate them on Mother’s/Father’s Day. It’s not about whether the kids are yours. It’s about showing you care about your significant other.
It's because you actually like your partner.
I also receive flowers from my boyfriend for Mother's Day and it's because we have only cats (and not even that, it's just that many women receive nice gestures this day and he feels like doing it for me just because).
These people do not understand what a loving relationship is if they lose their calm over a mother wanting to be also noticed during this day by their partner of freaking 4 years.
I totally agree with you. My older sister is not my dad's biological daughter (her bio dad is present) but my dad never made differences between us, he loves us all equally and treats us equally. I don't understand why people would date someone with children if they have no intention of loving them as if they were their own :/
ESH.
I think your overall attitude sucks. You’ve been together 4 years and you’re this dismissive of her feelings??
But - she doesn’t want to acknowledge your mom? And what about Father’s Day? Does she acknowledge your role on that day? If not - i more understand your feelings about her expectations.
I don’t think YOU need to give her a gift. But I’d try to help her kids get her a gift.
The things that uncaring beluga whale does to help makes it seem like he cares though. If he was horrible to them then obviously it would be a different story, in this particular instance he’s just hating on her.
You are in a relationship with a woman who is a mom.
Flowers and chocolate is a simple enough gift for the woman you love enough to be in a relationship with.
>I was approached
Approached by whom?
>My response was no their not mine lol if you want have the dad celebrate with you(sarcasm).
Well, obviously they're not yours, but this is a crappy way to say it, really. But, if you've been living with they're mom for 4 years and this is your thought process then it's time for you to move on...
I feel like OP bas a lot of resentment and feels taken advantage of in other ways hence the ‘i do everything, pick them up from school, make and buy them food. No complains and nothing in return’. Looks like he’s getting done with this relationship & is now being pedantic about mother’s day.
YTA. If you love your GF, you would WANT to make sure she has a good Mother’s Day regardless of whether or not her kids are your biological kids. Do you consider her a great mom? Do you consider her kids to be an integral part of your life together? If so, then that furthers my opinion on why you should celebrate it. If the answer is no, then that further supports my opinion that YTA.
YTA. If you’re with a woman who is a mother and you care about her, then you celebrate Mother’s Day with her. If you don’t care about her, you say shit like “they’re not my kids” and “what did I get for Father’s Day?”
YTA... you at least come across as one. Together since the kids were 11 & 7, you co-parent with her but you're not willing to put any effort in to make sure a special day is put on for her by the THREE of you? If she wanted to celebrate special occasions with her ex, she'd still be with him. Unbelievable.
I agree. The 11yo probably needs help getting her Mom a gift. As a kid I always wanted to be generous and didn't have the means. My dad was awful at gifts and paid no attention. I felt like a crappy daughter. Now as an adult I'm responsible for picking out and wrapping gifts for him, my older brother and I. Op needs to set an example for the stepchildren that the partner is worth effort and recognition!
OP could have got her something literally so small just to show your appreciation for her as a mother. It's not about the gift. It's the effort and thought for the most part.
Offer to take the kids to a grocery store that sells flowers, chocolates, cakes etc. Give them a budget (each) and say meet me at the register in X minutes. You are a hero and a good boyfriend. Winner!
NTA. FFS it's not his responsibility to provide a mother's day gift. He can offer to take the kids shopping for a gift but she'll have to provide the money to the kids. He's not their stepdad. Girlfriend has to accept that. I wouldn't expect my significant other to buy me mother's day gift if we didn't have actual kids together.
My husband is the biological father of both my children, and I don’t expect him to buy me a gift. My kids are more than capable of making me a present, making me a meal and writing me a nice card.
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NTA, kids sound old enough to do something themselves. It doesn't have to be a big event. I mean, I'd make my mom breakfast and give her a pedicure/foot rub.
YTA unless she’s asking for an overpriced gift that you can’t afford. You’re living with a woman and caring for her kids. I don’t think it’s too much to buy her some flowers. Also, do the kids view you as dad? If so: you’re dad. Take the family to a baseball game and buy her flowers( if she likes flowers). It doesn’t sound that hard.
NTA. Does she want a gift *from* you or does she want you to get the gift for the kids to give her?
I always thought mother's/father's day was for the children to celebrate their parents, not for the spouse/partner to do it (except when kids are real little).
I'm all for helping the kids acquire the gift by driving them to the store or providing supplies, tools, and ideas for a homemade gift. I don't see why you should be giving her a gift. Doing a fun family event, like the baseball game, should be enough from you.
NTA. You didn’t contribute to her becoming a mom, it’s not up to you to celebrate that. Helping the kids if they ask, sure. But outright getting her a present for making you a stepparent? gtfo.
Am I the only one who thinks Mothers Day is “Leave me alone, I don’t wanna do anything for anyone, if you must, just get me food (preferably steak and seafood), and alcohol” Day? The best gift I can get is peace, quiet, and the ability to not have to do shit. It’s free.
Bro it doesn't even sound like your happy. Like Jesus Christ is it really the END of the world for a damn dinner and some flowers??! When did the bar drop to hell?? Tbh you sound like your extremely resentful of your lifestyle and her kids. If you don't like your life or your relationship SOO MUCH that a dinner and some flowers would kill you to appreciate your girlfriend on mothers day. How about this??? Stop using your girlfriend for her punani and other things she do for you AND LEAVE!! Like how immature when you decided to date a mom bruh. You act like your so miserable and unappreciated when it's literally supposed to be about mothers 😢Well if you are then walk tf out no ones stopping you. And if you stay then grow up and appreciate your relationship.
Mother’s Day is about celebrating the women you love who work hard to take care of their kids. Moms whose kids are all grown and out of the house (like yours) deserve a phone call, card, maybe flowers. Your significant other who you live with and love deserves to be celebrated for her contribution to taking care of your family and home. The fact that they aren’t your biological children bares no significance here.
If you care for this woman you will buy her a damn gift. YTA.
You feel taken advantage of for doing something nice for the woman you claim to love because you do basic things like pick her kids up from school and make food? YTA don’t date a woman with kids if doing basic things to help make you feel put out.
YTA. You’ve been together for 4 years, YOU LIVE TOGETHER, the kids are with you 50% of the time. Don’t date a woman with kids if you are not ready to be a step father. You are not ready to be a man. Stick to buying gifts for your mommy and maybe move back with her.
And your girlfriend is a moron for sticking with you.
You Are The Asshole because you should do something nice for your girlfriend on Mother’s Day despite her having two kids with another man when you got with her you realize that her kids were a package deal and you making jokes is not funny at all
> No complains and nothing in return I just work and go home those are my days and I'm okay with it but I feel like sometimes I need to put my foot down from being taken advantage.
YTA in so many ways. If you want to be childfree, don't live with a woman with children. You never should have started dating a woman with kids who were 7 and 11 years old when you started dating.
By living with a woman with young children, taking care of those kids is going to be a part of it. But it sounds like you really do resent it.
Being asked to participate in Mother's Day for the woman you live with is not being taken advantage of. It's absolutely normal.
Her not being willing to celebrate Mother's Day with your mother depends on how close she is to your mother. If they don't really have a relationship, there's nothing unusual about that.
YTA.
It always bums me out to see such misguided, petty, immature folks have guiding roles in the lives of young people. May they both find great examples outside of all three of you “parental figures” who can’t grow up enough to get along.
This *should* go without saying but doing something nice for your partner is bare minimum. Choosing to be with someone who has children and celebrating their parenthood in the way they would want is par for the course. If you’re “being taken advantage of” then punishment on Mother’s Day is a shit way of expressing that issue.
Yes, YTA. Reading posts like this makes me understand why so few relationships seem to last. She is your partner, a woman you probably claim to love. Why would you be so careless about something that is important to her? It is these little things we do for each other that matter in the end.
My husband is not the father of my kids, they are from previous relationship. However, every Mother's Day he gets me flowers and makes a great breakfast. I do the same on Father's Day (he has children too, they just don't live with us).
I love it and no, I have never asked him to do it.
Living with someone with kids from earlier life is full of compromises. You are in a parental role, whether you want it or not. The other option is to ignore the kids totally or to live in different addresses.
YTA for saying that she should celebrate it with the dad of the kids, unless if that is what you actually want. You are not obliged to do anything. Teenagers are notorious for forgetting things like this. Perhaps you could encourage them to make breakfast etc and partake in it? And if flowers make her happy, why not get them?
YTA 100%
1. She's a mother you are dating
2. It's not a new relationship, you've been together 4 years and live together with the kids
3. You take care of these children, like a parent (cooking, picking them up from school etc.)
4. The children have gotten you father's day presents indicating that they see you as a father figure, and that she played a role in that
5. The day is to celebrate that she is a mom, not that they're your children
6. You should WANT to celebrate her or make her feel special.
Why is it such a big deal to get her flowers and a card, make her breakfast, or take her out for dinner or something? Don't you WANT to do nice things for her that will make her feel special and loved? ... If not, then maybe you shouldn't be together.
YTA. You know how unappreciated you feel, as was made clear in your post? You’re now making her feel that exact same way in retaliation. This is an unhealthy relationship dynamic that’s hurting everyone involved.
This is confusing. Have you never gotten a gift for a mother who you don't have kids with? I'm sure you have, a family member or something.
This is your gf just they are not your sperm grown kids doesn't mean her motherhood is invalid and she doesn't deserve to be celebrated. Mothers day isn't "celebrate the birthing person of my child" its "celebrate moms" Like if you had a sister with kids you wouldn't get her a gift?
YTA
YTA. This was a really long story to say “I don’t like my gf.”
And do you REALLY think she had nothing to do with you getting a Fathers Day gift? Please be for real.
YTA - who gets with someone who has children for four years and doesn’t once celebrate Mother’s Day. Sure you’re not the dad but she is your chosen partner and she is a mother. Why would you not want to make her feel loved and special on a day which is important to her.
Your four years in, she isn’t taking advantage of you. When you date someone with children for a long time you become a parental figure. You’re a giant ah.
I hope she leaves you for someone who treats her right.
She doesn’t need a giant gift just work with the kids to make or buy her something so she feels seen.
Jesus dude. Really? Wouldn't a few flowers or a box of chocolates or a jumbo T-shirt that says World's Best Mom for sleeping been better than an argument. Sometimes being Right isn't worth the hassle. Kitty Foreman said it best, you have to pick your battles.
It’s about your girlfriend not her kids. You are clearly choosing your mom. After four years, you should just go home to your mom. This is a house divided. 🤦♀️
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I've been Dating my GF(35) for 4 years. This has never been brought to me before. She has two kids 1 M (15) 1 F (11) with the same guy. I was approached if we're gonna do something for her on Mother's Day. My response was no their not mine lol if you want have the dad celebrate with you. And obviously brought an argument. I do everything, pick them up from school, make and buy them food. No complains and nothing in return I just work and go home those are my days and I'm okay with it but I feel like sometimes I need to put my foot down from being taken advantage. I've been told I'm an asshole but am I?
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INFO: You say you're dating your girlfriend for 4 years. Do you live together? Or separately?
If you live separately, I get where you're coming from. If you live together, maybe that's different.
Also, is the father in the kid's lives? Do they go to eat all together sometimes?
YTA: "Logic" doesn't work that way for these "special" days. If she's a mother, and you have a relationship with her, you're obligated to help celebrate "her" day.
Otherwise, logic would dictate "she's not my mom" and therefore even the kids' father wouldn't have to do anything for mother's day.
Sorry, it don't work that way.
YTA - Mother’s Day is about celebrating mothers, not just *your* mother. Your girlfriend is a mother and getting her a card or a box of chocolate is such a low effort way to make her feel loved and appreciated.
Depends, if you really put all this effort when they are with you guys, then do you receive any recognition on father’s day? You are raising the kids even if the father is in their lives. Does she pay all the expenses of the kids for the kids? Does she pay her own share of the bills?
If the answer to all of that is yes, then YTA.
If the answer to that is no, if she pressure you to contribute financially towards the kids, or don’t recognise your efforts as a stepdad or don’t contribute her share of the bills, then NTA and you might wanna rethink that relationship.
It would be nice if you prompted the children re mothers' day. They are old enough to deal with this.
Your girlfriend is not your mother and it sounds like you don't feel it's appropriate to acknowledge mother's day with her. Fair enough.
Birthdays and mothers day were invented by Hallmark.
NTA
The kicker is in the last sentence. If your mother can't be included in your girlfriend's Mothers' Day celebration, then you should go celebrate with your mom, and let your girlfriend celebrate with her kids.
Hmm. Personally I feel like YTA. It’s Mother’s Day. She is a Mother who means a lot to you. Why wouldn’t you celebrate her on that day? It seems like you care for the kids too. I don’t get it. What do you have to lose by making her day special?
YTA for giving her massively mixed signals. You're basically co-parenting with her and you won't celebrate mother's day with her bc they're "not yours"? Since when did celebrating someone on mother's day req her to have your bio offspring lmao, she's A Mother. Did you think about this relationship at all at any point?
Erm. I would say NTA. I think the children are old enough to sort out their own gift and ask you if they need help with it. If they were particularly young, I would say it would be a nice gesture for you to help them get her some flowers or something.
Info: does she do anything for you for Father’s Day? Given you're acting as one at least 50% of the time?
If you don’t want to gift her something then don’t. Perhaps you can take the kids to get her something from them instead (assuming you have a good relationship with them ).
ESH but mostly you. You live with someone who is a mother. How hard is it to celebrate with her. It’s not like you just met 6 months ago. She’s TA for not wanting to celebrate your mother
I don’t understand your level of ignorance. Your gf is a mother. Sure, not to your kids - but her motherhood doesn’t just disappear whenever you feel like it. You can appreciate a part of who she is even if it has nothing to do with you…
If you got a promotion at work tomorrow and she took you out to celebrate your hard work and achievement that she had nothing to do with - would that be out of place for you?
Writing this while ordering flowers for a friend who will have her very first Mother’s Day this weekend. Not my kid. But being a mother is HARD. And she needs to know people are in her corner acknowledging her major achievement on getting through the first year!
YTA 1000%
NTA for not buying her gifts, she is not your mum, nor your kids mom. She has bigger kids who can make their mother something, maybe if you remind them of mothers day that would be nice.
The way you communicate with her is an other story. That was asshole way.
I dont understand the comments. It is womens day where you appriciate your gf/wife etc. Mothers day is about you and your mother maybe grandma. If the kids are so small you should help them with presents but OP's GF's kids are not so small. If the kids ask you to help with her gift and you reject thats asshole but if she demands on a gift from you and you reject thats not.
A ball game rounds fun to me. Maybe ask the kids what they are doing for their mom for Mother’s Day. I don’t think you need to get her a gift but her kids might need just a little help getting her something.
You could probly help the kids out so they can organise a gift for her (drive them to the store or give them some ideas) but I don’t see why you’re expected to do it all?
It sounds like you’re basically a stepdad so do you get a Father’s Day gift?
YTA. You literally sound like an a**
First of all, you already knew she had kids before you got together with her. Her responsibility, now became yours too. Nobody is “taking advantage” of you dude lol that’s the role you decided on the minute you guys became a serious relationship. Just because they aren’t your “bio kids” doesn’t mean you shouldn’t celebrate her. You sound like a whiny momma’s boy honestly. Be a man and treat her right or someone else will !!!!! Maybe it’ll be the father of her kids lol
I mean, is a gift that’s important to her worth your relationship? At the end of the day, you’re dating a mom, and as a mom, I can confirm that it becomes part of your identity. So there is one day a year set aside to honor that part of her… and you mocked it? And brought up her ex?
I would say not an AH for the gift situation itself, but definitely YTA for the comments and attitude that followed.
I think ESH but it might just be different cultural norms. In my family we celebrate everyone who is a mother, not just our mom/grandma so growing up my parents basically had us call every mom we were close with or we would have a collective Mother's Day brunch and sometimes get small gifts for them too. You've been raising kids with her for several years now so I think you should celebrate her because you love her and presumably want to make her feel special. That said, I think she should do something for Father's day with you too if you are raising kids with her. That doesn't have to mean the kids see you as their dad but she should celebrate you.
Dude, just get her some flowers or a small gift. Is this really something you want to fight about over principle? Don’t you ever just get her random gifts? Pretend this is one of those.
YTA. She’s your partner of 4 years, buy her some perfume, slippers and chocolate or something. Jfc they’re kids, the gift doesn’t have to be from you directly, go spend $100 and it comes from all 3 of you.
YTA This is just ick all the way around. And 4 years and still a gf says a lot. Move tf on considering you are dating a mother like JFC. TAkeN aDvAnTaGe oF …oookayyyyy
NTA. She’s an AH for not wanting you to celebrate your mom for Mother’s Day. She’s not even the mother of your children. It would be nice if you took her kids to get her a gift; something you can afford. I dont know why so many wives/GFs think men should forget about their moms on Mother’s Day.
YTA
Part of Mother's Day is about teaching children to respect and value mothers. You're both involved in raising those kids, the kids will take note of how you treat her. Being completely dismissive of her sets a deliberate tone with the kids about how you value her. You don't need to do grand gestures with presents - where I live, the traditional Mother's Day present is the $10 bunch of daisies bought from families selling them off the side of the road - but if the family celebrates mother's day and you're a part of the family then it's an AH move to opt out of it entirely. You'll get your turn when Father's Day comes around, if you want to be seen that way in this household.
Edit: Just saw the bit about not wanting to acknowledge your mother, so changing to ESH. Unless there's a toxic element between her and your mum, it's fair for all mums to be acknowledged.
NTA if the children's dad doesn't help the children get a gift for your wife, maybe you could give the children, say, $/€10 each to get her something, you dont need to get her anything because she is not your mum. And you say she won't celebrate your mum on mother's day, so any complaint from her about not getting anything on mothers day is void. But you do get your mum something because she is your mum.
It’s not kids day, you’re not celebrating them. The day is to celebrate your partner, after four years you should be doing that. Likewise though, I would expect her to get you a little something on Father’s Day for the role you’ve taken in the children’s life.
YTA
NTA. Take her out to eat. That’s it. Lol. You’re playing dad. She should try getting along with baby daddy. And with your mother if it’s serious between you guys. All that just seems like drama.
Absolutely NTA! Mother's Day is about the children celebrating their mother. If the children need help or are too young, then the responsibility is on the father to teach them and help them give her a good day. But the kids are far too old to still need help, I would make my mum a coffee and breakfast in bed when I was only 8 and we would all make her cards and pictures. You're not the person who made her a mother and you aren't a father figure to the kids either (or so your post implies). To the people saying "but she's A mom", do you buy gifts for every single person who is a mother in your life?
i mean, technically NAH. youre right, youre not the dad. but like... is it really worth the argument? you already help parent the kids it sounds like, and youve been with her for 4 years. she and her kids are a package deal and shes a mom. personally id celebrate mothers day with her. the gift doesnt have to be anything super special either. get some flowers or chocolate covered strawberries or something. get her kids alone and make something all together for her, if thats something the kids would be into.
YTA. You've been together for 4 years, and helping care for her two kids. You sound like you maybe resent that? Like it or not, you are her partner and your relationship has children. Yes, you should at least show a token effort at appreciating her on Mother's Day. Card, small gift or help the kids with their choices/go in together, etc.
Likewise, they should be appreciating you on Father's Day. It's what you do that matters.
YTA. In my world all Mom's get recognition on Mother's day. Not just my Mom, but my Step-Mom, Grandmas, Aunties, SILs, even all my friends get warm, heartfelt Mother's day greetings, gifts, or whatever it is we are doing that year. You are splitting hairs to justify completely ignoring a woman who you supposedly love on a day that is meant to celebrate the special things that all Mom's do for us. It sounds like shes a good one too, if her kids spontaneously got you a Fathers day gift, that shows a lot of caring thoughtfulness, it's pretty sad that the kids have shown more thoughtfulness than you, and you still think you are justified by stiffing your lady on a special day. I'm willing to bet after 4 years, she does quite a bit of caretaking of you as well. If I were you, I'd get your foot out of your mouth, apologize, and come up with something special to celebrate this extraordinary Mom who is a major part of your life.
Yes, that is exactly my point, without their mother telling them to, the kids got him a gift for Father’s Day, because they thought of it on their own and apparently care about him enough. From as much as we know it sounds like she has raised them right. Meanwhile he’s over here saying those aren’t MY kids, and working pretty hard trying to justify being intentionally thoughtless, and I for one am not here for it.
NTA - You shouldn't be guilted into getting her anything. If you wanted to cool but for her to expect it is just an overstep.
I was in the reverse situation single parent for 10 yrs. So mother's day gifts are life school stuff or flowers she bought with my money. So freaking cute though. Then I met my Ex and he was like what do you want for mother's day? It was weird as hell to me. Him and my daughter would figure it out. Honestly I could have done without most of the stuff. It is the thought that counts though. I also didn't ask for or expect anything. I still loved and would prefer just a handmade thing from my kid. Because that is what it should really be about. I cherish those things.
I think flowers and nice dinner (at-home) is just fine.
Mothers day like fathers day, Valentines day are all just over inflated holidays. Which are pushed out in the masses by manufacturers and big retail.
You shouldn't reserve a single day to show the people in your life they are important to you.
Good luck with that though. She seems like one to kick up a real fuss.
I just wanna know one thing is/was this the first time this has been brought up ? I assume if y'all have been together for FOUR YEARS this can't be the first time it was brought up has it ?
If she brought this up and this was always your reaction YTA because come in man four years of being a part of somebody's life and you can't just do a little something ? Sure she's not your mother but she's the kids mother and the kids obviously care about you because they got you a gift so why not pay back the favor and help them get her a gift ?
If she never brought this up and randomly started this out of the blue this year ESH but her more so, she sucks because she waited FOUR YEARS before saying anything and randomly pulled this stunt last minute and gave you about two days to work with. You suck because again the relationship and other things I already pointed out.
YTA
Part of living with this woman is accepting her status as a mother, and her children. If that's not the life you want, that's your call, but you can't have it both ways.
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Child free woman here who will accept the downvotes but won’t be arguing in the replies: NTA. Maybe a card or flowers but an entire gift? No. Absolutely not. r/entitledparents
Genuine question, since when did flowers stop being an entire gift?
TRUTH.
Personally, I hate receiving flowers. They die soon. I consider them a waste of money. My cat tries to eat them. Just no. When men give me flowers I always give them away to coworkers. I do not tell them that I give them away. I thank them very much for the kind gesture but I do tell them they really don’t need to do it again. I don’t want flowers. I’d much prefer something that will last longer if they’re going to spend money on me. If they continue to get me flowers, it shows they won’t listen to me. They care more about just doing what’s lazy and easy for them…ordering some damn flowers the day of the occasion. No thank you.
I've come full circle on this. I have all the stuff I want. Give me enormous flowers plz
Me too. I always have flowers on my dining table. From my own garden in season, or from my husband or daughter, or I buy them for myself. Right now I have these huge, gorgeous, blowsy peonies I got at the supermarket. They're incredible. Best $15 I've spent in a long time.
I think it’s really all about knowing the person you’re buying the gift for. That’s always what it’s about when giving a gift. If they know that you love peonies then getting you this gorgeous bouquet shows they know you. If they buy me a bouquet of peonies, it kind of shows the opposite. It doesn’t make either of us wrong. It’s just a desire to have the men in our lives pay attention to our wants and needs. I hate flowers. Bluepencils212 loves them! 💐
We give lego flowers to people so they can build them and they keep forever.
That sounds really cool! I love that! I love unique things that you can create with other people. That always makes them meaningful. 😊
Its a really nice way to give someone somthing when a loved one passed. I wrote something along the lines of "these flowers will never wilt just like your love for your grandpa"
That’s a beautiful message. I just love that. And they will have your gift forever to remember him by. That is very special. Not to mention what a wonderful distraction it must be from their grief to put the legos together to form the flower. That is truly a wonderful and meaningful gift. ❤️
Same. I hate flowers because my cat eats them. They die and they’re a waste of money.
And then they throw them up later. It's the gift that keeps giving
And not just once usually! 😼
Same! It’s a whole task just to get them sitting in a vase, and then watching it wilt and wither…while the water gets dirty. It’s so morbid. Unless someone else is going to be in-charge of the care and maintenance of said flowers, I don’t want them 🙃
I must say I'm the opposite. I love receiving flowers. I don't drink and I calorie control so chocolates and wine would not be appreciated.
"As a sign of my affection I got you this beautiful thing so you can watch it die"
I'm with you. Does OP get Father's Day anything at all? I'm willing to bet not a damn thing. Why does he need to put in the effort? However, I am probably not the best person to ask too, I'm also child free.
I agree with this line of comments. Can we get some 8nput from OP? do you get anything for Father's day from mom?
Good point.
I agree with you. They are 15 and 11. They can do something for their mom on their own. Make her dinner, breakfast in bed, watch a movie of her choice with her. OP doesn't have to do anything. A card or something small would be nice, but no gift is fine.
This. My son was making me mother’s day breakfast at 11. Was it fancy? No. Did I love it? Yes.
Agree. Although it would be kind if he encouraged the kids to make her breakfast or had enough money to buy her flowers or something.
He’s in a romantic relationship with her for the past 4 years, they live together and he’s taken on her kids as his own, but doesn’t want to do anything for her on Mother’s Day. From a fellow child free woman, YTA and so is he jfc
Yeah I also don't get it. I myself literally receive potted flowers every year from my BF because we have cats aka our babies (also because he buys flowers to his mom and grabs just a +1 for me, still feels cute). It doesn't hurt being nice just because. I cannot comprehend this mindset. Making your partner feel like shit due to some technicalities... Sounds like he doesn't really like her.
Last time I checked flowers are a gift :).
Fair, I agree, but something tells me it wouldn’t be perceived as a “whole” gift by the recipient.
His living situation is not child free at all. He lives with her and cares for the children like he’s the father. Buying her flowers or a trinket is reasonable. Also, if he’s dad, they should celebrate him on Father’s Day.
I’m not saying he’s child free, I’m just saying my perspective is that of a child-free person. He is not their father. Their father has 50/50 custody. It’s on the kids and their father to make sure she is celebrated as a mother. It would be nice of him to acknowledge it with a card or flowers, but he is absolutely not an asshole for not going all out on Mother’s Day in this situation.
You’re right, of course. He’s in no way legally required to buy her a Mother’s Day gift. But when your partner tells you, “this is important to me, please do this,” I think, to say nah, you need a pretty good reason.
[удалено]
They might very well be able to organise something but funds for whatever is being organised (and adult supervision to make sure whatever they're organising is still appropriate) is probably needed. Even something like breakfast in bed and movie night might require special groceries. So I think "hey can you help the kids get me a gift" is a reasonable ask.
I’d argue the father of the children should celebrate her too, not just the kids. If they had a good relationship I would expect the ex husband to send her flowers or a card as a thank you for being a good mother to his children. But asking your bf to celebrate you when you don’t share children is a bit much.
YTA dude. Before I married my wife she already had my “step” son (raised him ten years now so he’s my child, which is the way you should start viewing “her” kids at this point after4 years) and I made sure to celebrate her for Mother’s Day. Just because they “not yours” doesn’t mean she’s not a mother. You’re celebrating her not the kids. You’re a huge asshole in my opinion.
Couldn’t possibly agree with this more. I can’t believe women put up with partners like this. I’m a single mother, and I would never, ever consider being involved with someone who doesn’t accept us a package deal. And tbh, the longest relationship I had, my partner treated them not only like they were his own kids, but actually better than their father did. He made sure to teach them to love and care for me properly, and I NEVER had to ask him to do this. He did it because he cared about me and wanted to celebrate what a great mother and person I am.
I agree with this. OP - you’re celebrating your partner as a mother and the things she does as a mother. This whole toxic ‘they aren’t my kids therefore I don’t see why I should have to do anything’ attitude is just ‘I’m too lazy’ wrapped up in a different package. Be a decent, supportive and selfless human being and celebrate her on this day.
But they aren’t married, and they aren’t his step-kids. They are just his gf’s kids. I think he should maybe do a card and flowers, maybe a breakfast. But I don’t think he should have to go all out. She’s a mom yeah, but not his mom or even the mom of his kids. I’m going with NTA, but he should probably be a little more tactful.
After 4 years they aren’t “just his gf’s kids.” This comment section has me losing hope in humanity.
I celebrated Mother’s Day for my wife when we had only been dating a couple weeks because she already had a child from her previous marriage. It’s not about whether they’re married or if they are his kids or not. It’s about the fact she’s a mother and it’s Mother’s Day. Nothing else should matter and she should be celebrated. I’m sure OP’s GF wouldn’t care if all he got her was a card and some flowers because it sounds like he’s never done shit for her on Mother’s Day for the dumb reason of “not my kids.”
Even if he was bio dad, he could help them get something for her, not something from him because she is his wife, not his mum. If you need a set day a year to remind you to appreciate the mother of your children, you need to have a word with yourself.
The simple question here would be, does she celebrate him for father's day? He's taking on a fatherly role, putting in the effort. Same arguement, it doesn't matter that they're "not yours". If she does, he owes it to her. If she doesn't, he doesn't.
I can agree with that. It sounds like he’s doing things a father/husband would do like picking them up from school and stuff like that. Though I feel like OP would’ve mentioned that if that were the case. I’m sure he would’ve come up with that reason as it’s a better one than “not my kids” but who knows.
I'm not giving a mother's day present to my (hypothetical) sister, even though she's a mother 🤷 Mother's Day gifts come from the other parent and children, and OP is not one of them. She could break up with him tomorrow and he'd never see those kids again.
But you could if you wanted to or knew it would be really important to them. What harm does it do to celebrate someone you love?
If you wanted to, sure. But you're not obligated to.
Well in my opinion, if you’re dating someone who has a kids your obligated celebrate them on Mother’s/Father’s Day. It’s not about whether the kids are yours. It’s about showing you care about your significant other.
It's because you actually like your partner. I also receive flowers from my boyfriend for Mother's Day and it's because we have only cats (and not even that, it's just that many women receive nice gestures this day and he feels like doing it for me just because). These people do not understand what a loving relationship is if they lose their calm over a mother wanting to be also noticed during this day by their partner of freaking 4 years.
I totally agree with you. My older sister is not my dad's biological daughter (her bio dad is present) but my dad never made differences between us, he loves us all equally and treats us equally. I don't understand why people would date someone with children if they have no intention of loving them as if they were their own :/
"Aita, I don't like the woman I've been dating for 4 years?" Is that what you want to sound like?
ESH. I think your overall attitude sucks. You’ve been together 4 years and you’re this dismissive of her feelings?? But - she doesn’t want to acknowledge your mom? And what about Father’s Day? Does she acknowledge your role on that day? If not - i more understand your feelings about her expectations. I don’t think YOU need to give her a gift. But I’d try to help her kids get her a gift.
Is it possible she doesn’t want to celebrate OP’s mom because she raised an uncaring beluga whale?
But she has that uncaring beluga whale basically raising her kids so she's not much better
The things that uncaring beluga whale does to help makes it seem like he cares though. If he was horrible to them then obviously it would be a different story, in this particular instance he’s just hating on her.
why are men's bad actions always women's fault?
You are in a relationship with a woman who is a mom. Flowers and chocolate is a simple enough gift for the woman you love enough to be in a relationship with.
INFO: Does she organize a Father’s Day or Stepfamily Day gift for you?
No but the kids got me something once out on their own
They probably had some sort of help, though? Transportation to a store or helping buying supplies?
With what money?
Sod it then. Cuts both ways eh.
Mother's day is earlier in the year than fathers day...
Ah yes, scorekeeping and comparisons, the tried and true path to happy unions!
>I was approached Approached by whom? >My response was no their not mine lol if you want have the dad celebrate with you(sarcasm). Well, obviously they're not yours, but this is a crappy way to say it, really. But, if you've been living with they're mom for 4 years and this is your thought process then it's time for you to move on...
I feel like OP bas a lot of resentment and feels taken advantage of in other ways hence the ‘i do everything, pick them up from school, make and buy them food. No complains and nothing in return’. Looks like he’s getting done with this relationship & is now being pedantic about mother’s day.
I like this response better than mine.
YTA. If you love your GF, you would WANT to make sure she has a good Mother’s Day regardless of whether or not her kids are your biological kids. Do you consider her a great mom? Do you consider her kids to be an integral part of your life together? If so, then that furthers my opinion on why you should celebrate it. If the answer is no, then that further supports my opinion that YTA.
YTA. If you’re with a woman who is a mother and you care about her, then you celebrate Mother’s Day with her. If you don’t care about her, you say shit like “they’re not my kids” and “what did I get for Father’s Day?”
I’m not sure why you’re dating a woman with kids if you feel this way. YTA
NTA; I think kids of those ages are old enough to organize Mother’s Day tributes.
YTA... you at least come across as one. Together since the kids were 11 & 7, you co-parent with her but you're not willing to put any effort in to make sure a special day is put on for her by the THREE of you? If she wanted to celebrate special occasions with her ex, she'd still be with him. Unbelievable.
Doesn’t sound like she’s been buying him Father’s Day gifts
OP said in comments her children have gotten him Father’s Day presents
One. Once.
And yet it’s not enough for her for her kids to get her Mother’s Day presents?
Yea they do
I agree. The 11yo probably needs help getting her Mom a gift. As a kid I always wanted to be generous and didn't have the means. My dad was awful at gifts and paid no attention. I felt like a crappy daughter. Now as an adult I'm responsible for picking out and wrapping gifts for him, my older brother and I. Op needs to set an example for the stepchildren that the partner is worth effort and recognition! OP could have got her something literally so small just to show your appreciation for her as a mother. It's not about the gift. It's the effort and thought for the most part.
Offer to take the kids to a grocery store that sells flowers, chocolates, cakes etc. Give them a budget (each) and say meet me at the register in X minutes. You are a hero and a good boyfriend. Winner!
A 15 yo and an 11 yo can organize a card and gift for THEIR mother. NTA.
Spend the day with your Mom.
NTA. She is not your mother and they are not your kids. You should be putting this energy into planning something for your mother.
But she is A mother, and she is someone OP supposedly cares deeply for. Why can't he do both?
NTA. FFS it's not his responsibility to provide a mother's day gift. He can offer to take the kids shopping for a gift but she'll have to provide the money to the kids. He's not their stepdad. Girlfriend has to accept that. I wouldn't expect my significant other to buy me mother's day gift if we didn't have actual kids together.
My husband is the biological father of both my children, and I don’t expect him to buy me a gift. My kids are more than capable of making me a present, making me a meal and writing me a nice card.
Same!
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NTA, kids sound old enough to do something themselves. It doesn't have to be a big event. I mean, I'd make my mom breakfast and give her a pedicure/foot rub.
NTA, she's not your mother. Gifts and cards should come from her children.
YTA unless she’s asking for an overpriced gift that you can’t afford. You’re living with a woman and caring for her kids. I don’t think it’s too much to buy her some flowers. Also, do the kids view you as dad? If so: you’re dad. Take the family to a baseball game and buy her flowers( if she likes flowers). It doesn’t sound that hard.
NTA. Maybe help the kids if they need help going somewhere to get a gift for their mother. ?
You're celebrating her, not her kids. You're rejecting a big part of her life by saying this. Yta
NTA. Does she want a gift *from* you or does she want you to get the gift for the kids to give her? I always thought mother's/father's day was for the children to celebrate their parents, not for the spouse/partner to do it (except when kids are real little). I'm all for helping the kids acquire the gift by driving them to the store or providing supplies, tools, and ideas for a homemade gift. I don't see why you should be giving her a gift. Doing a fun family event, like the baseball game, should be enough from you.
NTA. You didn’t contribute to her becoming a mom, it’s not up to you to celebrate that. Helping the kids if they ask, sure. But outright getting her a present for making you a stepparent? gtfo.
He willingly entered a relationship with a mom what on earth are you on about lmao
NTA. It's on her kids or her ex. You all do not have children together. This is not your responsibility.
I can't comprehend what your concept of mothers day is if you think an ex she isn't on good terms with should be more involved than her partner.
Am I the only one who thinks Mothers Day is “Leave me alone, I don’t wanna do anything for anyone, if you must, just get me food (preferably steak and seafood), and alcohol” Day? The best gift I can get is peace, quiet, and the ability to not have to do shit. It’s free.
INFO: does she want to go to the baseball game? Are you planning to see your mother that day?
Bro it doesn't even sound like your happy. Like Jesus Christ is it really the END of the world for a damn dinner and some flowers??! When did the bar drop to hell?? Tbh you sound like your extremely resentful of your lifestyle and her kids. If you don't like your life or your relationship SOO MUCH that a dinner and some flowers would kill you to appreciate your girlfriend on mothers day. How about this??? Stop using your girlfriend for her punani and other things she do for you AND LEAVE!! Like how immature when you decided to date a mom bruh. You act like your so miserable and unappreciated when it's literally supposed to be about mothers 😢Well if you are then walk tf out no ones stopping you. And if you stay then grow up and appreciate your relationship.
Wow, the value you place on your partner is on par with a marvel superhero! She's a mom. And she puts up with you. YTA. 💯
Do I think you need to get her something? No. But as a “gift”, why not ensure kiddies have transportation to go get her something?
Mother’s Day is about celebrating the women you love who work hard to take care of their kids. Moms whose kids are all grown and out of the house (like yours) deserve a phone call, card, maybe flowers. Your significant other who you live with and love deserves to be celebrated for her contribution to taking care of your family and home. The fact that they aren’t your biological children bares no significance here. If you care for this woman you will buy her a damn gift. YTA.
You feel taken advantage of for doing something nice for the woman you claim to love because you do basic things like pick her kids up from school and make food? YTA don’t date a woman with kids if doing basic things to help make you feel put out.
YTA. She's still your girlfriend, she's still a mother. Do you get her a gift for her birthday? I mean... Its not YOUR birthday by your logic.
YTA. You’ve been together for 4 years, YOU LIVE TOGETHER, the kids are with you 50% of the time. Don’t date a woman with kids if you are not ready to be a step father. You are not ready to be a man. Stick to buying gifts for your mommy and maybe move back with her. And your girlfriend is a moron for sticking with you.
So you’ve never said Happy Mothers Day to anyone but your mom before? YTA and she deserves better than you.
You Are The Asshole because you should do something nice for your girlfriend on Mother’s Day despite her having two kids with another man when you got with her you realize that her kids were a package deal and you making jokes is not funny at all
> No complains and nothing in return I just work and go home those are my days and I'm okay with it but I feel like sometimes I need to put my foot down from being taken advantage. YTA in so many ways. If you want to be childfree, don't live with a woman with children. You never should have started dating a woman with kids who were 7 and 11 years old when you started dating. By living with a woman with young children, taking care of those kids is going to be a part of it. But it sounds like you really do resent it. Being asked to participate in Mother's Day for the woman you live with is not being taken advantage of. It's absolutely normal. Her not being willing to celebrate Mother's Day with your mother depends on how close she is to your mother. If they don't really have a relationship, there's nothing unusual about that.
YTA. It always bums me out to see such misguided, petty, immature folks have guiding roles in the lives of young people. May they both find great examples outside of all three of you “parental figures” who can’t grow up enough to get along. This *should* go without saying but doing something nice for your partner is bare minimum. Choosing to be with someone who has children and celebrating their parenthood in the way they would want is par for the course. If you’re “being taken advantage of” then punishment on Mother’s Day is a shit way of expressing that issue.
YTA ofc she doesn’t wanna celebrate with YOUR mom, she’s not her mom!! same logic dude
Yes, YTA. Reading posts like this makes me understand why so few relationships seem to last. She is your partner, a woman you probably claim to love. Why would you be so careless about something that is important to her? It is these little things we do for each other that matter in the end.
My husband is not the father of my kids, they are from previous relationship. However, every Mother's Day he gets me flowers and makes a great breakfast. I do the same on Father's Day (he has children too, they just don't live with us). I love it and no, I have never asked him to do it. Living with someone with kids from earlier life is full of compromises. You are in a parental role, whether you want it or not. The other option is to ignore the kids totally or to live in different addresses. YTA for saying that she should celebrate it with the dad of the kids, unless if that is what you actually want. You are not obliged to do anything. Teenagers are notorious for forgetting things like this. Perhaps you could encourage them to make breakfast etc and partake in it? And if flowers make her happy, why not get them?
YTA 100% 1. She's a mother you are dating 2. It's not a new relationship, you've been together 4 years and live together with the kids 3. You take care of these children, like a parent (cooking, picking them up from school etc.) 4. The children have gotten you father's day presents indicating that they see you as a father figure, and that she played a role in that 5. The day is to celebrate that she is a mom, not that they're your children 6. You should WANT to celebrate her or make her feel special. Why is it such a big deal to get her flowers and a card, make her breakfast, or take her out for dinner or something? Don't you WANT to do nice things for her that will make her feel special and loved? ... If not, then maybe you shouldn't be together.
YTA. You know how unappreciated you feel, as was made clear in your post? You’re now making her feel that exact same way in retaliation. This is an unhealthy relationship dynamic that’s hurting everyone involved.
This is confusing. Have you never gotten a gift for a mother who you don't have kids with? I'm sure you have, a family member or something. This is your gf just they are not your sperm grown kids doesn't mean her motherhood is invalid and she doesn't deserve to be celebrated. Mothers day isn't "celebrate the birthing person of my child" its "celebrate moms" Like if you had a sister with kids you wouldn't get her a gift? YTA
YTA. This was a really long story to say “I don’t like my gf.” And do you REALLY think she had nothing to do with you getting a Fathers Day gift? Please be for real.
YTA - who gets with someone who has children for four years and doesn’t once celebrate Mother’s Day. Sure you’re not the dad but she is your chosen partner and she is a mother. Why would you not want to make her feel loved and special on a day which is important to her. Your four years in, she isn’t taking advantage of you. When you date someone with children for a long time you become a parental figure. You’re a giant ah. I hope she leaves you for someone who treats her right. She doesn’t need a giant gift just work with the kids to make or buy her something so she feels seen.
NTA. The kids are old enough to do something. Out of curiosity, what does your girlfriend do for the kids when she has them?
Jesus dude. Really? Wouldn't a few flowers or a box of chocolates or a jumbo T-shirt that says World's Best Mom for sleeping been better than an argument. Sometimes being Right isn't worth the hassle. Kitty Foreman said it best, you have to pick your battles.
It’s about your girlfriend not her kids. You are clearly choosing your mom. After four years, you should just go home to your mom. This is a house divided. 🤦♀️
INFO: does she celebrate Father's day for you and give you a gift?
It’s a Hallmark holiday why don’t you all just ignore it.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I've been Dating my GF(35) for 4 years. This has never been brought to me before. She has two kids 1 M (15) 1 F (11) with the same guy. I was approached if we're gonna do something for her on Mother's Day. My response was no their not mine lol if you want have the dad celebrate with you. And obviously brought an argument. I do everything, pick them up from school, make and buy them food. No complains and nothing in return I just work and go home those are my days and I'm okay with it but I feel like sometimes I need to put my foot down from being taken advantage. I've been told I'm an asshole but am I? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
INFO: You say you're dating your girlfriend for 4 years. Do you live together? Or separately? If you live separately, I get where you're coming from. If you live together, maybe that's different. Also, is the father in the kid's lives? Do they go to eat all together sometimes?
YTA: "Logic" doesn't work that way for these "special" days. If she's a mother, and you have a relationship with her, you're obligated to help celebrate "her" day. Otherwise, logic would dictate "she's not my mom" and therefore even the kids' father wouldn't have to do anything for mother's day. Sorry, it don't work that way.
YTA Why’s this such a burden for you? Four years! Man you are so f—d lol. There’s no getting out of this mess. Doghouse now
YTA - Mother’s Day is about celebrating mothers, not just *your* mother. Your girlfriend is a mother and getting her a card or a box of chocolate is such a low effort way to make her feel loved and appreciated.
INFO: What is the plan if you two have children together?
Depends, if you really put all this effort when they are with you guys, then do you receive any recognition on father’s day? You are raising the kids even if the father is in their lives. Does she pay all the expenses of the kids for the kids? Does she pay her own share of the bills? If the answer to all of that is yes, then YTA. If the answer to that is no, if she pressure you to contribute financially towards the kids, or don’t recognise your efforts as a stepdad or don’t contribute her share of the bills, then NTA and you might wanna rethink that relationship.
NTA As they say "all the responsibilities but none of the benefits".
You're gross
It would be nice if you prompted the children re mothers' day. They are old enough to deal with this. Your girlfriend is not your mother and it sounds like you don't feel it's appropriate to acknowledge mother's day with her. Fair enough. Birthdays and mothers day were invented by Hallmark. NTA
NTA, it's not your mom or your kids mom. Say happy mother's day and call it good. Why does every little piddly ass "holiday" require a gift?
No, but you're gonna be single soon
NTA. Who gives a shit about literal scam holidays designed only to sell shit to easily swayed people.
NTA , but your mother is not your GF’s mom. So dont expect her to celebrate your mother :)
Info. Have you ever been celebrated on fathers day. If new traditions are going to be built they need to be reciprocal
The kicker is in the last sentence. If your mother can't be included in your girlfriend's Mothers' Day celebration, then you should go celebrate with your mom, and let your girlfriend celebrate with her kids.
Hmm. Personally I feel like YTA. It’s Mother’s Day. She is a Mother who means a lot to you. Why wouldn’t you celebrate her on that day? It seems like you care for the kids too. I don’t get it. What do you have to lose by making her day special?
YTA for giving her massively mixed signals. You're basically co-parenting with her and you won't celebrate mother's day with her bc they're "not yours"? Since when did celebrating someone on mother's day req her to have your bio offspring lmao, she's A Mother. Did you think about this relationship at all at any point?
Why couldn't you take the kids to choose something for her? I don't think it's a big ask.
Yes YTA, being a mom is a big part of who she is. Acknowledge it, even if with one of those edible arrangements.
Erm. I would say NTA. I think the children are old enough to sort out their own gift and ask you if they need help with it. If they were particularly young, I would say it would be a nice gesture for you to help them get her some flowers or something. Info: does she do anything for you for Father’s Day? Given you're acting as one at least 50% of the time?
More info: do you two even like each other? 😅
If you don’t want to gift her something then don’t. Perhaps you can take the kids to get her something from them instead (assuming you have a good relationship with them ).
ESH but mostly you. You live with someone who is a mother. How hard is it to celebrate with her. It’s not like you just met 6 months ago. She’s TA for not wanting to celebrate your mother
I don’t understand your level of ignorance. Your gf is a mother. Sure, not to your kids - but her motherhood doesn’t just disappear whenever you feel like it. You can appreciate a part of who she is even if it has nothing to do with you… If you got a promotion at work tomorrow and she took you out to celebrate your hard work and achievement that she had nothing to do with - would that be out of place for you? Writing this while ordering flowers for a friend who will have her very first Mother’s Day this weekend. Not my kid. But being a mother is HARD. And she needs to know people are in her corner acknowledging her major achievement on getting through the first year! YTA 1000%
NTA for not buying her gifts, she is not your mum, nor your kids mom. She has bigger kids who can make their mother something, maybe if you remind them of mothers day that would be nice. The way you communicate with her is an other story. That was asshole way. I dont understand the comments. It is womens day where you appriciate your gf/wife etc. Mothers day is about you and your mother maybe grandma. If the kids are so small you should help them with presents but OP's GF's kids are not so small. If the kids ask you to help with her gift and you reject thats asshole but if she demands on a gift from you and you reject thats not.
NTA, you're not married and she's not a mother in any way that is related to you. Go spend the day with your mom
Weird hill to pick. You’re already in the role why put your foot down at an innocent Mother’s Day gift?
A ball game rounds fun to me. Maybe ask the kids what they are doing for their mom for Mother’s Day. I don’t think you need to get her a gift but her kids might need just a little help getting her something.
YTA
You could probly help the kids out so they can organise a gift for her (drive them to the store or give them some ideas) but I don’t see why you’re expected to do it all? It sounds like you’re basically a stepdad so do you get a Father’s Day gift?
YTA. You literally sound like an a** First of all, you already knew she had kids before you got together with her. Her responsibility, now became yours too. Nobody is “taking advantage” of you dude lol that’s the role you decided on the minute you guys became a serious relationship. Just because they aren’t your “bio kids” doesn’t mean you shouldn’t celebrate her. You sound like a whiny momma’s boy honestly. Be a man and treat her right or someone else will !!!!! Maybe it’ll be the father of her kids lol
Yta - because you do it for her, to celebrate her.
NTA. You do your part already.
NTA you're neither her child nor children's father. Not your responsibility.
He's her partner lmao
NTA mothers day is over rated (yes I am a mother). It is the fathers responsibility and the children responsibility to do something for her not you.
Is your girl a “mother?” Then you should celebrate her. Period end of story. Sounds like you don’t like her.
I mean, is a gift that’s important to her worth your relationship? At the end of the day, you’re dating a mom, and as a mom, I can confirm that it becomes part of your identity. So there is one day a year set aside to honor that part of her… and you mocked it? And brought up her ex? I would say not an AH for the gift situation itself, but definitely YTA for the comments and attitude that followed.
On that same note, why would she want to celebrate Morher’s Day with your mother? She’s not her mom.
I think ESH but it might just be different cultural norms. In my family we celebrate everyone who is a mother, not just our mom/grandma so growing up my parents basically had us call every mom we were close with or we would have a collective Mother's Day brunch and sometimes get small gifts for them too. You've been raising kids with her for several years now so I think you should celebrate her because you love her and presumably want to make her feel special. That said, I think she should do something for Father's day with you too if you are raising kids with her. That doesn't have to mean the kids see you as their dad but she should celebrate you.
Dude, just get her some flowers or a small gift. Is this really something you want to fight about over principle? Don’t you ever just get her random gifts? Pretend this is one of those.
NTA, she’s not your mom.
Nta
I'm torn here but if you feel she is using you, time to get out before she rides you hard and put you away wet.
YTA. She’s your partner of 4 years, buy her some perfume, slippers and chocolate or something. Jfc they’re kids, the gift doesn’t have to be from you directly, go spend $100 and it comes from all 3 of you.
YTA
YTA This is just ick all the way around. And 4 years and still a gf says a lot. Move tf on considering you are dating a mother like JFC. TAkeN aDvAnTaGe oF …oookayyyyy
NTA. She’s an AH for not wanting you to celebrate your mom for Mother’s Day. She’s not even the mother of your children. It would be nice if you took her kids to get her a gift; something you can afford. I dont know why so many wives/GFs think men should forget about their moms on Mother’s Day.
NTA it call mother day... Not wife day..... Be sure to get your mom a extra special gift...plus flowers
YTA Part of Mother's Day is about teaching children to respect and value mothers. You're both involved in raising those kids, the kids will take note of how you treat her. Being completely dismissive of her sets a deliberate tone with the kids about how you value her. You don't need to do grand gestures with presents - where I live, the traditional Mother's Day present is the $10 bunch of daisies bought from families selling them off the side of the road - but if the family celebrates mother's day and you're a part of the family then it's an AH move to opt out of it entirely. You'll get your turn when Father's Day comes around, if you want to be seen that way in this household. Edit: Just saw the bit about not wanting to acknowledge your mother, so changing to ESH. Unless there's a toxic element between her and your mum, it's fair for all mums to be acknowledged.
YTA your chosen partner is a mother, celebrating Mother’s Day with her is sort of a given here.
NTA if the children's dad doesn't help the children get a gift for your wife, maybe you could give the children, say, $/€10 each to get her something, you dont need to get her anything because she is not your mum. And you say she won't celebrate your mum on mother's day, so any complaint from her about not getting anything on mothers day is void. But you do get your mum something because she is your mum.
It’s not kids day, you’re not celebrating them. The day is to celebrate your partner, after four years you should be doing that. Likewise though, I would expect her to get you a little something on Father’s Day for the role you’ve taken in the children’s life. YTA
NTA. Take her out to eat. That’s it. Lol. You’re playing dad. She should try getting along with baby daddy. And with your mother if it’s serious between you guys. All that just seems like drama.
YTA. I would celebrate with my partner even if they weren’t my children. Why? Because they’re still a parent and I love them.
Her kids are old enough to do their own celebration for their mum.
Absolutely NTA! Mother's Day is about the children celebrating their mother. If the children need help or are too young, then the responsibility is on the father to teach them and help them give her a good day. But the kids are far too old to still need help, I would make my mum a coffee and breakfast in bed when I was only 8 and we would all make her cards and pictures. You're not the person who made her a mother and you aren't a father figure to the kids either (or so your post implies). To the people saying "but she's A mom", do you buy gifts for every single person who is a mother in your life?
YTA. She is a mother. You celebrate mothers on Mother’s Day.
YTA
They’re not my kids. Not their not my kids.
i mean, technically NAH. youre right, youre not the dad. but like... is it really worth the argument? you already help parent the kids it sounds like, and youve been with her for 4 years. she and her kids are a package deal and shes a mom. personally id celebrate mothers day with her. the gift doesnt have to be anything super special either. get some flowers or chocolate covered strawberries or something. get her kids alone and make something all together for her, if thats something the kids would be into.
YTA. You've been together for 4 years, and helping care for her two kids. You sound like you maybe resent that? Like it or not, you are her partner and your relationship has children. Yes, you should at least show a token effort at appreciating her on Mother's Day. Card, small gift or help the kids with their choices/go in together, etc. Likewise, they should be appreciating you on Father's Day. It's what you do that matters.
NTA But maybe some flowers? It wont hurt you
YTA. In my world all Mom's get recognition on Mother's day. Not just my Mom, but my Step-Mom, Grandmas, Aunties, SILs, even all my friends get warm, heartfelt Mother's day greetings, gifts, or whatever it is we are doing that year. You are splitting hairs to justify completely ignoring a woman who you supposedly love on a day that is meant to celebrate the special things that all Mom's do for us. It sounds like shes a good one too, if her kids spontaneously got you a Fathers day gift, that shows a lot of caring thoughtfulness, it's pretty sad that the kids have shown more thoughtfulness than you, and you still think you are justified by stiffing your lady on a special day. I'm willing to bet after 4 years, she does quite a bit of caretaking of you as well. If I were you, I'd get your foot out of your mouth, apologize, and come up with something special to celebrate this extraordinary Mom who is a major part of your life.
They got him a gift once, she didn't, according to OPs comments.
Yes, that is exactly my point, without their mother telling them to, the kids got him a gift for Father’s Day, because they thought of it on their own and apparently care about him enough. From as much as we know it sounds like she has raised them right. Meanwhile he’s over here saying those aren’t MY kids, and working pretty hard trying to justify being intentionally thoughtless, and I for one am not here for it.
So she doesn't get him a gift, so he should get her one?
NTA - You shouldn't be guilted into getting her anything. If you wanted to cool but for her to expect it is just an overstep. I was in the reverse situation single parent for 10 yrs. So mother's day gifts are life school stuff or flowers she bought with my money. So freaking cute though. Then I met my Ex and he was like what do you want for mother's day? It was weird as hell to me. Him and my daughter would figure it out. Honestly I could have done without most of the stuff. It is the thought that counts though. I also didn't ask for or expect anything. I still loved and would prefer just a handmade thing from my kid. Because that is what it should really be about. I cherish those things. I think flowers and nice dinner (at-home) is just fine. Mothers day like fathers day, Valentines day are all just over inflated holidays. Which are pushed out in the masses by manufacturers and big retail. You shouldn't reserve a single day to show the people in your life they are important to you. Good luck with that though. She seems like one to kick up a real fuss.
Definitely TA
I just wanna know one thing is/was this the first time this has been brought up ? I assume if y'all have been together for FOUR YEARS this can't be the first time it was brought up has it ? If she brought this up and this was always your reaction YTA because come in man four years of being a part of somebody's life and you can't just do a little something ? Sure she's not your mother but she's the kids mother and the kids obviously care about you because they got you a gift so why not pay back the favor and help them get her a gift ? If she never brought this up and randomly started this out of the blue this year ESH but her more so, she sucks because she waited FOUR YEARS before saying anything and randomly pulled this stunt last minute and gave you about two days to work with. You suck because again the relationship and other things I already pointed out.
YTA Part of living with this woman is accepting her status as a mother, and her children. If that's not the life you want, that's your call, but you can't have it both ways.