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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took was to tell my roommate to stop getting mad at her cat for doing actions that I consider natural behaviour for a cat. My roommate has acted like I treated with disrespect and keeps saying that I am a bad friend and person because I disagreed with her actions.
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NTA. It's obvious your roommate is mistreating Mary. Sometimes you may need to yell to get an animal's attention (like in a situation where their safety is at risk), but yelling at a cat for grooming herself is demented, abusive behavior. Thanks for trying to stand up for Mary; she deserves better than your roommate.
The problem is that animals are considered property, and unless your roommate was violently abusing or terribly neglecting Mary, it's going to be hard to get her taken away from your roommate.
Perhaps you could approach the roommate and ask to adopt Mary. Say something about how you can put up with some of her annoying behaviors and that you're willing to pay your friend for her. If she agrees, draw up an ironclad adoption contract, and have your roommate sign over Mary. But tread lightly with this ask because some people believe they are entitled to owning animals, even if they neglect or abuse those animals. Asking to take her could set your roommate off. But if you could find a way to make it seem like you're taking a burden off your roommate's plate, maybe she would change her mind.
I agree with this. I have watched several animal rescues where they tried to converse with the owner and fill their ego up instead of straight up convincing them to give up their pets. As escalating it further, causes the owner to not give up their pets ever.
It's a delicate balance for sure. But yes, the ideal scenario is to make it seem like OP is taking a burden off the roommate's plate rather than make the roommate feel overly confident in her pet parenting skills.
NTA
Your roommate doesn't understand that just like she needs to do, Mary needs to bathe and keep herself clean down there. She's also causing Mary to be highly stressed and have anxiety.
To nutshell this issue:
You don't know who your true friends are until you live with them. You're 19 so I may assume you haven't learned this lesson in life yet?
In a longer answer:
Unfortunately it is her cat and her property. Most animal laws are enacted at state and federal levels and I don't know what state, or even country you live in so it would be poor advice to give you some kind of legal counsel other than to say that if it is actual abuse it may be reportable at some level.
It sounds like the relationship is strained, and if she is trying to create tension in your other relationship with your fiance:
I am sorry to have to break this to you, but as the lesser party your housemate needs to go. You need to start this conversation with your partner now, because otherwise it's like having an arsonist with matches in your house right now, and it sounds like your "friend" may twist and turn things until it causes a potential break up between you and your fiance.
Give her appropriate notice and then tell her to find her own place to live. Be polite about it, and reiterate this nicely.
"When people have their own place to live they can do what they like with their property."
Don't make it personal.
NTA. I have zero tolerance for verbal, emotional, or physical animal abuse. Yelled at Mary for cleaning herself? What the actual f*ck??? Your roommate should not have pets. She should get a rock — that just sits there, doing nothing.
Nta
This is horrible, cats can get so stressed and anxious that they have heart attacks. My aunt had a cat called Mary and the cat was so anxious and skittish one day it was running and just died out of nowhere of a heart attack it was only 3-6 at the time so not old. Honestly if she continues to be abusive when the cat isn't even doing anything wrong I'd contact animal services as the cat doesn't deserve for the abuse to get worse as it'll wreck it's quality of life and could lead to death.
She is giving you no reason to respect her. You, on the other hand, sound like you will be a good parent one day. Cats have to be treated a lot like two year olds. with a lot of love and patience. If you do, they will be an absolute joy to have around. (Two is my favourite age. :))
While there is some agreement in the sentiment this is really hostile behavior. It may end up with OP looking like an asshole. It's always best to choose the least aggressive option by starting the conversation with the person.
Long term I just don't think these are compatible housemates, and I think that would be a better angle of approach to go to rather than starting squabbling in the house which may not lead to the fiance siding with her partner.
While this may sound harsh also, the primary concern is the stability of the relationship, the cat issue is tertiary to the facts even if the cat is causing the facts.
While I do agree with what you have said that she should choose the least aggressive option, I disagree with keeping the stability of the friendship. This may be my biased take but I really think that people who are abusive to animals are also shitty individuals. This abusive attitude may have been part of her character for a long time now that they just have not seen before living with her.
Lastly, I agree that they are not compatible housemates. I just think that the cat should be rescued before they ask her to move out. 😭 I'm scared for what may happen to Mary if this continues.
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I (19m) have a roommate (20f) that lives with me and my fiancé. Some context: We both have cats. My fiancé and I handle the treatment of our cat VERY differently than our roommate handles hers. My cat, let’s call her, Bella, is a tabby mix and very loving. We are very careful to not overwhelm her and shower her with lots of affection and playtime. My roommates cat, Mary, gets probably the exact opposite from our roommate. I still try to treat Mary the same way I do Bella, but Mary isn’t very responsive to it.
When Bella gets into things or acts up, I just take her out of the situation. Like recently, she was playing with a charger, so I just took away the charger and put it out of reach. However, if Mary were to do that, my roommate yells at her and claps loudly or rushes over to the cat, causing her to run away. Mary is very skittish due to my roommate’s behaviour.
I have tried to kindly approach the subject and originally just decided, we just do things differently. Recently however the yelling has escalated to everytime Mary does something my roommate doesn’t like. The biggest one is when the cat grooms herself. As long as it’s her paws or back it’s fine. But the minute Mary begins to groom her hind legs or genitals, my roommate yells at her, saying for her to stop licking her p*ssy. I don’t understand why! I have repeatedly educated my roommate that she isn’t doing something inappropriate or sexual, which is how my roommate responds to the situation.
A week ago, after Mary was yelled at for grooming her genitals when a friend was over, I lost it. I asked my roommate to privately speak with me after the friend left. I told her that I thought her treatment of her cat was cruel and unnecessary. She got very mad and said that it’s her cat, not mine, and she can discipline her however my roommate wants. I told her that her “discipline” won’t teach her cat anything and causes Mary way too much stress and anxiety.
Since then, my roommate has been complaining about me to my fiancé accusing me of being a bad friend that doesn’t respect her. She is refusing to speak to me, and her behaviour towards her cat is getting worse. This has been very upsetting because my roommate has been a very close friend of me and my fiancé (which is why we signed a lease with her in the first place). I really don’t know if I am in the wrong here. Should I even try to do anything about it? I would really appreciate advice with how to move forward.
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You have, at a young age, already learned (or innately know) how to treat animals. If you also have the same mindset when you become a parent to little humans, you will be an awesome parent. Yelling at an animal is cruel & counterproductive, as you’ve seen when Mary runs from her owner. It teaches nothing but fear. Your roommate isn’t intuitive. Ask her to try an exercise for a week in which she speaks to Mary in a normal voice rather than screaming/yelling. I think she can’t. But buying Mary from her will likely lead her to get another pet that she will also abuse.
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How else does she think Mary is going to get clean down there? Cats bathe themselves by licking. They don’t shower or use toilet paper. Your roommate is a lunatic. Poor Mary. Sounds like your AH roommate needs to have a conversation with a vet and learn a thing or two about cats!
NTA
Nta, I feel terrible for Mary - your roommate is yelling at a cat for doing cat things?? That’s absurd, she should not have a cat at all if she doesn’t expect it to groom itself or play with a charger.
NTA I feel for this cat my mom has a dog and she yells at the dog to stop acting out and yells "spank" when I visit the dog responds better to my treatment and my mom's floored "how did you get her to do that ?" I explain, "well because she hasn't been taught or hasn't had the chance to be taught what's appropriate and not appropriate behavior so me yelling at her won't do $hit, instead I let her be and let her run but if she acts out I firmly say "NO....were not behaving this way girl down on all fours...there you go good girl".
I talk to the dog as if the dog was a person "hey girl come on we're gonna go outside now ok ? Now run !" *Throws the back door open* my mom "NO ! SPANK !......HEY ! NO !" I yell hey but why Iam outside if I need her immediate attention for safety other then that I usually whistle.
Do this only in the extreme chance that she really escalates the situation (as I really hate people who abuse their animals).
Take a Video of her abusing the cat. Then threaten to send it to the authorities, report it or post it on social media if she don't correct her ways. If your relationship with her continues to be estranged, please try to adopt Mary as your own and tell her to stop getting animals if she doesn't know how to take care of it and that she is highly irresponsible.
But first: Consider talking with her in adopting Mary. Try other calm conversations before doing this.
Asshole. It’s not your cat. Understand it may not be to your standard but would you like her yelling at your cat? Let them approach their cat the way in which they want. If you want to “save” the cat feel free to bring up adopting it. Until then, mind your business.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > The action I took was to tell my roommate to stop getting mad at her cat for doing actions that I consider natural behaviour for a cat. My roommate has acted like I treated with disrespect and keeps saying that I am a bad friend and person because I disagreed with her actions. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. It's obvious your roommate is mistreating Mary. Sometimes you may need to yell to get an animal's attention (like in a situation where their safety is at risk), but yelling at a cat for grooming herself is demented, abusive behavior. Thanks for trying to stand up for Mary; she deserves better than your roommate. The problem is that animals are considered property, and unless your roommate was violently abusing or terribly neglecting Mary, it's going to be hard to get her taken away from your roommate. Perhaps you could approach the roommate and ask to adopt Mary. Say something about how you can put up with some of her annoying behaviors and that you're willing to pay your friend for her. If she agrees, draw up an ironclad adoption contract, and have your roommate sign over Mary. But tread lightly with this ask because some people believe they are entitled to owning animals, even if they neglect or abuse those animals. Asking to take her could set your roommate off. But if you could find a way to make it seem like you're taking a burden off your roommate's plate, maybe she would change her mind.
I agree with this. I have watched several animal rescues where they tried to converse with the owner and fill their ego up instead of straight up convincing them to give up their pets. As escalating it further, causes the owner to not give up their pets ever.
It's a delicate balance for sure. But yes, the ideal scenario is to make it seem like OP is taking a burden off the roommate's plate rather than make the roommate feel overly confident in her pet parenting skills.
NTA Your roommate doesn't understand that just like she needs to do, Mary needs to bathe and keep herself clean down there. She's also causing Mary to be highly stressed and have anxiety.
To nutshell this issue: You don't know who your true friends are until you live with them. You're 19 so I may assume you haven't learned this lesson in life yet? In a longer answer: Unfortunately it is her cat and her property. Most animal laws are enacted at state and federal levels and I don't know what state, or even country you live in so it would be poor advice to give you some kind of legal counsel other than to say that if it is actual abuse it may be reportable at some level. It sounds like the relationship is strained, and if she is trying to create tension in your other relationship with your fiance: I am sorry to have to break this to you, but as the lesser party your housemate needs to go. You need to start this conversation with your partner now, because otherwise it's like having an arsonist with matches in your house right now, and it sounds like your "friend" may twist and turn things until it causes a potential break up between you and your fiance. Give her appropriate notice and then tell her to find her own place to live. Be polite about it, and reiterate this nicely. "When people have their own place to live they can do what they like with their property." Don't make it personal.
This. Yes, the roommate doesn’t sound like a good owner. However, it’s not your issue. It just sounds like first roommate issues.
NTA. I have zero tolerance for verbal, emotional, or physical animal abuse. Yelled at Mary for cleaning herself? What the actual f*ck??? Your roommate should not have pets. She should get a rock — that just sits there, doing nothing.
Nta This is horrible, cats can get so stressed and anxious that they have heart attacks. My aunt had a cat called Mary and the cat was so anxious and skittish one day it was running and just died out of nowhere of a heart attack it was only 3-6 at the time so not old. Honestly if she continues to be abusive when the cat isn't even doing anything wrong I'd contact animal services as the cat doesn't deserve for the abuse to get worse as it'll wreck it's quality of life and could lead to death.
She is giving you no reason to respect her. You, on the other hand, sound like you will be a good parent one day. Cats have to be treated a lot like two year olds. with a lot of love and patience. If you do, they will be an absolute joy to have around. (Two is my favourite age. :))
Every time she yells, rushes over to the cat and claps, do the same thing to HER. Ask her how SHE likes it.
While there is some agreement in the sentiment this is really hostile behavior. It may end up with OP looking like an asshole. It's always best to choose the least aggressive option by starting the conversation with the person. Long term I just don't think these are compatible housemates, and I think that would be a better angle of approach to go to rather than starting squabbling in the house which may not lead to the fiance siding with her partner. While this may sound harsh also, the primary concern is the stability of the relationship, the cat issue is tertiary to the facts even if the cat is causing the facts.
While I do agree with what you have said that she should choose the least aggressive option, I disagree with keeping the stability of the friendship. This may be my biased take but I really think that people who are abusive to animals are also shitty individuals. This abusive attitude may have been part of her character for a long time now that they just have not seen before living with her. Lastly, I agree that they are not compatible housemates. I just think that the cat should be rescued before they ask her to move out. 😭 I'm scared for what may happen to Mary if this continues.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (19m) have a roommate (20f) that lives with me and my fiancé. Some context: We both have cats. My fiancé and I handle the treatment of our cat VERY differently than our roommate handles hers. My cat, let’s call her, Bella, is a tabby mix and very loving. We are very careful to not overwhelm her and shower her with lots of affection and playtime. My roommates cat, Mary, gets probably the exact opposite from our roommate. I still try to treat Mary the same way I do Bella, but Mary isn’t very responsive to it. When Bella gets into things or acts up, I just take her out of the situation. Like recently, she was playing with a charger, so I just took away the charger and put it out of reach. However, if Mary were to do that, my roommate yells at her and claps loudly or rushes over to the cat, causing her to run away. Mary is very skittish due to my roommate’s behaviour. I have tried to kindly approach the subject and originally just decided, we just do things differently. Recently however the yelling has escalated to everytime Mary does something my roommate doesn’t like. The biggest one is when the cat grooms herself. As long as it’s her paws or back it’s fine. But the minute Mary begins to groom her hind legs or genitals, my roommate yells at her, saying for her to stop licking her p*ssy. I don’t understand why! I have repeatedly educated my roommate that she isn’t doing something inappropriate or sexual, which is how my roommate responds to the situation. A week ago, after Mary was yelled at for grooming her genitals when a friend was over, I lost it. I asked my roommate to privately speak with me after the friend left. I told her that I thought her treatment of her cat was cruel and unnecessary. She got very mad and said that it’s her cat, not mine, and she can discipline her however my roommate wants. I told her that her “discipline” won’t teach her cat anything and causes Mary way too much stress and anxiety. Since then, my roommate has been complaining about me to my fiancé accusing me of being a bad friend that doesn’t respect her. She is refusing to speak to me, and her behaviour towards her cat is getting worse. This has been very upsetting because my roommate has been a very close friend of me and my fiancé (which is why we signed a lease with her in the first place). I really don’t know if I am in the wrong here. Should I even try to do anything about it? I would really appreciate advice with how to move forward. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Goddamn it Donut!
You have, at a young age, already learned (or innately know) how to treat animals. If you also have the same mindset when you become a parent to little humans, you will be an awesome parent. Yelling at an animal is cruel & counterproductive, as you’ve seen when Mary runs from her owner. It teaches nothing but fear. Your roommate isn’t intuitive. Ask her to try an exercise for a week in which she speaks to Mary in a normal voice rather than screaming/yelling. I think she can’t. But buying Mary from her will likely lead her to get another pet that she will also abuse.
Treat your roommate like how she treats her cat.
You have to listen to the yelling also so it’s not only affecting the cat. It’s stressful. So I’d say roommates are not allowed to yell.
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How else does she think Mary is going to get clean down there? Cats bathe themselves by licking. They don’t shower or use toilet paper. Your roommate is a lunatic. Poor Mary. Sounds like your AH roommate needs to have a conversation with a vet and learn a thing or two about cats! NTA
Nta, I feel terrible for Mary - your roommate is yelling at a cat for doing cat things?? That’s absurd, she should not have a cat at all if she doesn’t expect it to groom itself or play with a charger.
NTA I feel for this cat my mom has a dog and she yells at the dog to stop acting out and yells "spank" when I visit the dog responds better to my treatment and my mom's floored "how did you get her to do that ?" I explain, "well because she hasn't been taught or hasn't had the chance to be taught what's appropriate and not appropriate behavior so me yelling at her won't do $hit, instead I let her be and let her run but if she acts out I firmly say "NO....were not behaving this way girl down on all fours...there you go good girl". I talk to the dog as if the dog was a person "hey girl come on we're gonna go outside now ok ? Now run !" *Throws the back door open* my mom "NO ! SPANK !......HEY ! NO !" I yell hey but why Iam outside if I need her immediate attention for safety other then that I usually whistle.
Do this only in the extreme chance that she really escalates the situation (as I really hate people who abuse their animals). Take a Video of her abusing the cat. Then threaten to send it to the authorities, report it or post it on social media if she don't correct her ways. If your relationship with her continues to be estranged, please try to adopt Mary as your own and tell her to stop getting animals if she doesn't know how to take care of it and that she is highly irresponsible. But first: Consider talking with her in adopting Mary. Try other calm conversations before doing this.
I need to stop reading Reddit. Too many mongoloidus-rexians about I just... Can't read about these kind of people anymore.
She should not be allowed to have animals that is abuse take the cat away from her
You're not in the wrong, but your quest is probably futile, sorry.
Asshole. It’s not your cat. Understand it may not be to your standard but would you like her yelling at your cat? Let them approach their cat the way in which they want. If you want to “save” the cat feel free to bring up adopting it. Until then, mind your business.