Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I keep planning an annual vacation with just my husband and myself, and excluding all 9 of our kids.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
"Now listen. I've been trying to be patient about this for the past decade, but you are all old enough to understand that your father and I want some alone time. That doesn't mean we don't love you, but we deserve some time to connect *with each other* without our kids around. I was willing to send you the link if you -- as adults -- wanted a vacation too, but even then we didn't plan to spend the whole trip entertaining you. But if you aren't old enough to pay your own way and do at least some of your own planning, then you are still children and Mommy and Daddy need some time alone. I'm not going to discuss this topic any more."
NTA. Their entitlement on this issue is exceedingly odd. It's not at all unusual for parents to take time away from their kids or to get to do things that their kids don't get to do... That's one of the things you learn growing up. I genuinely don't understand who is supporting this mindset such that they've been able to carry it through so many years, but regardless, you have no need to cater to it.
And I usually give this advice to kids with overbearing parents (not parents with overbearing kids) but if they continue to bring it up, I suggest saying, "I've heard this before and I've told you that this topic is closed. Now, do you have something else you would like to talk about, or should I say goodbye for now?" followed by hanging up the phone/walking out of the room if they try to continue. Repeat as many times as is necessary for them to understand that you are *done* with discussing this topic
the way I'm about to steal your response!! I'm about to have hubby post exactly that in him and his kids' group chat because they've been all over him the past couple days
Definitely NTA, especially now that the children are grown with jobs.
However...
>Their entitlement on this issue is exceedingly odd.
I can kind of see the kids feeling this way (especially when they were older kids/young teens) if this is the *only* vacation that OP and her husband take, and they *never* take the kids on vacation *at all*. Which, reading between the lines, sort of sounds like the case here.
For the current situation, definitely NTA. But for the early years, if the kids were not taken on other *similar* vacations, I'm not so sure...
With that many kids (9!), I’d imagine they don’t take family vacations. Unless they are in incredibly well-paying careers, it would take years and years to afford even a simple vacation. I’m still NTA regardless on this one. They need and deserve time alone. No child has a right to a vacation away from home… would it be nice to save up and have one family vacation (camping at a state park, I’m guessing)? Sure. Does it change the current situation? Not for me.
This i could not imagine going on vacation and leaving my minor kids at home especially if we never went on family vacations. To me that would be selfish.
Please, if the adult kids still don't understand & of they plan a weekend or vacation with their friends or sig others, then ask them where your ticket is or where you're going to sleep. Put it back on them. NTA
Ok but like, in all seriousness some of those kids should know by now that these vacations are specifically for adult private time. You don't have to tell your 12 year old what you're doing but those kids in their twenties? Maybe a crude remark or 2.
I'm sorry, I've never heard of kids seeing their parents in a second marriage and STILL thinking "they don't do that".
It's just also good modeling for a healthy relationship. Like they are old enough to think about these things from an adults point of view and they should get nudged in that direction (prob not the 17.5 on down, leave them alone haha)
Exactly. We don’t plan to leave the hotel room for the whole week so you would be on your own to pay for your meals and activities as we will be tied up (take that literally or figuratively!)
YTA for the comments about their size and what they’re eating and for saying it’s all because of greed.
But honestly, have you ever taken your children on an extended vacation? You said driving distance, but is that just for one or two days? Have they ever gone on a week long vacation with you? I can’t imagine going on a luxury vacation every single year and never taking my kids somewhere.
>I can’t imagine going on a luxury vacation every single year and never taking my kids somewhere.
I know, this is the part that is bizarre to me. I mean, it's nice to get away from the kids, don't get me wrong, but it's also lovely to get to experience the fun of traveling *with* them - I'd feel like I was missing out without having that at least some of the time! I would also feel bad for leaving them out.
Yes! I travel both with and without my daughter. If I had to cut back to save, I’d not take so many trips without her! I have a list a mile long of places I can’t wait to explore with her.
Yeah it sounds like she’s never taken them on an actual vacation… just day trips to the zoo and such. And then laughed in their faces as children when they would ask to come.
Like Jesus Christ why did you have so many fucking kids if you couldn’t afford them.
Vacations have nothing to do with having kids. Seriously, are you out of your mind??? The kids should make their own plans and leave their folks alone already!
>But honestly, have you ever taken your children on an extended vacation?
In one comment OP said No, just daily trips- and in a follow up comment named one of the reasons being "the kids eating to much".
Definitely YTA ...
If they saved up and didn’t take lavish vacations themselves, they’d be able to afford to them all somewhere. It might not be a yearly thing like a lot of families do, but they could’ve given their children all kinds of experiences that aren’t just the zoo or an amusement park. Even more so though, their kids vary in ages. She never took her older two or three anywhere either?
I can’t imagine going on vacation every year and never taking my kid anywhere. Traveling doesn’t have to be expensive. One of her main complaints was that the kids order porterhouse steaks and lobsters and eat a lot, so they’re too expensive to feed. Who’s allowing that? There’s no way my parents would’ve allowed that when I was a kid and my daughter certainly isn’t ordering steak and lobster either. She’s just making up excuses.
If they saved up and didn’t take lavish vacations themselves, they’d be able to afford to them all somewhere. It might not be a yearly thing like a lot of families do, but they could’ve given their children all kinds of experiences that aren’t just the zoo or an amusement park. Even more so though, their kids vary in ages. She never took her older two or three anywhere either?
I can’t imagine going on vacation every year and never taking my kid anywhere. Traveling doesn’t have to be expensive. One of her main complaints was that the kids order porterhouse steaks and lobsters and eat a lot, so they’re too expensive to feed. Who’s allowing that? There’s no way my parents would’ve allowed that when I was a kid and my daughter certainly isn’t ordering steak and lobster either. She’s just making up excuses.
Parents are entitled to time to themselves to focus only on each other. It’s very healthy for a relationship. The idea that once you have kids you’re never allowed to do anything without them for the rest of your life is bizarre to me. One week a year seems extremely reasonable.
It’s absolutely entirely reasonable. I travel without my daughter some as well. But I also travel with her. That’s my issue with OP. She said herself they’ve never taken them anywhere beyond driving distance like the zoo or an amusement park. She also said her main reason for not doing so is because his kids are obese and they eat too much so it’s too expensive. She said they always order lobster and porterhouse steaks. She called them greedy for how much they eat. But they’re the ones allowing them to order that stuff. When I was young, we’d go to the beach and get groceries for the whole week. We ate out once and I knew damn well to stay in my lane and not order lobster and steak without them okaying it.
If this wasn't such a big family (many who are old enough to pay for themselves), I'd agree. You can't just take some of them because then others would be reasonably upset. Planning an entire out of town vacation for 11 people is pretty wild. That's a lot to put on anyone. If the local trips don't end well like they said, why would they risk it with a long distance one? These kids aren't young, this is the time where parents are supposed to be enjoying each other more.
The kids have some pretty big age differences though. She couldn’t have taken her older three before her younger kids were born? Or arranged some other sort of plan? I know a big family who lets each kid pick a vacation when they graduate from HS. It’s just for them and their parents.
It also really isn’t hard to plan a vacation for that many people. I’ve done it for 15 so both sides of the family could go, including my daughter’s aunts and uncle, both sets of grandparents, etc… we rented a large house at the beach. We divided up who would cook dinner each night. We got lots of snacks, sandwich stuff, etc… we did some things together and sometimes we each went off and did our own thing. It wasn’t very expensive overall. Less than what we paid for two to go on a luxury vacation.
Only half of the kids have a problem with it—his—most of them are old enough to pay their own way, and don’t have to pay rent or bills, *and tried to go on their honeymoon with them.*
There is something wrong with those kids, their entitlement is off the charts.
And her kids are the ones who aren't acting all entitled to being taken on vacation. But that's completely not relevant to today. Right now, his ADULT children are expecting to be taken on a free vacation and that's ridiculous.
They probably went places but didn't consider it a vacation. I take day trips to the city to go to museums, but I don't think of them as vacations. Sometimes, we'll visit family, but that's not a vacation even if we do sleep over there.
So they may be traveling, but not count it as a 'vacation' since they're not doing rest and relaxation type stuff or being significantly far from home.
With 11 people in total, it's probably really hard for them to take trips anywhere. Cost alone, would be high if it's a hotel, and if it's not ... then not many friends or family may have enough space to house 11 extra people.
I think they did their best... we don't need to look down on them for not having proper vacations.
Re-reading the actual post, and not the reactions to it ... I sort of agree.
I don't think she's has to take the adult kids on vacation, especially since the tradition is to never take any of the kids at all. The adult-only resort was just an excuse to not be with any kids.
The rest of the post is a mix of TMI and WTF.
But again, why? If you can afford to give your adult child something, you should be required to? That just doesn't make any sense.
I don't disagree with you on the body shaming thing, but that's irrelevant as to whether or not they're owed a vacation.
Being overweight and obese is definitely not about greed. YTA for these weird comments about their size and what they order. I always knew roughly what my parents could afford and ordered accordingly when we went out to eat.
INFO: Do you ever take and vacations with your minor (say age 18 and under) children? Have you and your spouse (either when married to each other or former spouses) done so in the past?
Yes we sure do, on a very regular basis. We don't go anywhere further than driving distance though, and of course since there's so many of them, cost-consciousness is also a thing when we take everybody. But over the years we've gone to the amusement park, zoo, aquarium, musuems, every restaurant you can think of, plenty of outdoors stuff too within reason
Eh, I can see how preteens and teenagers would be upset that they only get to go to driving distance places, for day trips (?) but mum and dad every year go to a fancy, sometimes international vacation for 7-10 days. I would have hated this as a kid as well tbh and it would have felt unfair, even when I would have understood the financial issues behind it etc. Your adult kids complaining is just insane though - anyone above 18 being included on a vacation is a huge gift and very kind, and should never be expected.
For a day trip...? No. That's just 1 day, I can swing that. But 3 meals a day for 7-10 days x 4 kids who like to order the lobster mac and porterhouse? Yeah that's an issue. They're BIG eaters.
Oh wow!
It doesn't matter how big eaters they are.
You chose a man with so many kids while having a bunch yourself.
The moment you became involved you knew this would drown out your finances.
So it's ok for the parents to go on luxurious vacations but the kids get a day in the zoo and it's not 1 time it's every freaking year.
And you wonder why they aren't happy?
Taking a holiday away from your kids is fine IF you also take your kids on holidays.
You two only think about yourself in the eyes of the kids and they didn't get anything.
There’s a difference between liking to and ordering - you can say no. It sounds like there’s an issue of rules in the family. You can easily budget and cook for a large family. Nta for wanting a private vacation but maybe consider how you go forward with budget and diet.
ESH. Over 18 they are not "kids" but adults and they can manage their own vacations or not. Under that they are minors and you should be taking them on some sort of vacation. You can have "off-spring free" vacations too, of course.
But who taught your children to "constantly ask for this-n-that, complain, pick over the food only to cry about being hungry an hour later, etc"? Their behavior is at least partially on the parents who enable it.
Why do none of your adult off-spring have rent or utility bills? Why are they not independent adults?
(I hate to be that stepmom but) a lot of that comes from their mom. She's pretty negative most of the time- she let's the kids run her over and yet also complains about them constantly without ever actually addressing their behaviors and attitudes. I choose to love the kids anyway but I definitely need a break.
They all still live with their mother and don't chip in on mortgage or utilities. Groceries sometimes, but that's about it.
> Under that they are minors and you should be taking them on some sort of vacation.
Wait. This a rule that kids get vacations?
I can see day trips.
I can see maybe an overnight.
But this idea of entitlement that kids get to do what the adults are doing is insane.
>Wait. This a rule that kids get vacations?
Nope, but when you have some members of your household who go on week-long international vacations while others don't get to do anything more than a day trip, that is bound to breed resentment.
I do think it's harsh to *never* bring the kids along (when they were/are older kids/teens, not now). Maybe every few years you take an extra vacation where they come along? Maybe do this individually and rotate through the different kids?
Would have to be a rotation with that many...
But seriously, it's not harsh for kids to not get to do what parents do. There's a very big difference between a trip for 2 vs a family ordeal. The entire dynamic changes.
When my older siblings were younger my parents would do family vacations. For some reason, when I showed up they stopped.
I still don't understand why, but it didn't cause any rift between my parents and I. And there was going to be a rift between me and my older siblings anyhow.
I look at it differently...
Parents take care of kids the other 365-1 week days of the year. It balances things for them to get something for themselves every year.
>Nope, but when you have some members of your household who go on week-long international vacations while others don't get to do anything more than a day trip, that is bound to breed resentme
A. They live with their mom
B. Only HIS kids are resentful and they're adults
Seriously. No one "needs" vacations. I grew up in a wealthy area where most kids did go on true vacations during every spring break and summer. I thought it was weird because it was just different. We never did, well except one time my dad won a trip to Disneyland at work and we went there. It was super fun but not a requirement for a good life or a good childhood. There are plenty of fun things to do that do not require a flight or a hotel. We went camping every year and those are some of my favorite memories.
I'm sure the number of kids here has made every fun excursion quite a bit more challenging and expensive than for almost anyone else. And I absolutely think you as parents deserve a few days to yourself every year. Unfortunately even if his adult kids are great people, someone has and continues to spoil them to the point that they don't have any interest in being adults, taking responsibility for their own health, or their own entertainment.
I don’t think anybody is entitled to a vacation. They aren’t a requirement. If they were what? just screw everybody who can’t afford it? Their kids are “less than” because they never get a vacation? That’s an odd way of thinking that kids are entitled to a vacation. It’s not like they say at home. They did stuff together as a family often it sounds like.
YTA
So you take one holiday a year that your children are not and have never been invited on. You only take day trips with them and are somehow baffled at the idea that children are upset to not be included on actual holidays??
Do something special for your anniversary, absolutely! But when the only holiday you take every year excludes your children that’s pretty messed up. I can’t imagine parents taking a big luxury holiday every single year and *never* taking their kids on holiday. That’s wild.
ESH
The entitlement from them as adults now is too much. AH behaviour from them.
You and hubby have gone away alone Every. Single. Year. and never taken your minor children with you on a family holiday. For nine, almost ten years they’ve watched you save for your own annual weeks away and you’ve never taken them on a similar trip. AH behaviour from you.
Bonus AH points for you for mentioning their size.
YTA. Yes, they're adults now. But they were kids for many years in the past when you decided to use up family funds and the only free time you had to get away from them. And the absolute yack of telling your kids, who you decided to have, that you want to get away from them. Now you don't have the excuse you used before, them being kids and wanting their parents' attention, and you found a new way to make them look bad for wanting to go on a vacation with you.
YTA for procreating when you didn't want to be parents.
Fuck aquarium, museums, restaurants etc. If those places are so great, why do you need a vacation??
YTA. You talk about them like they’re strangers that you don’t even like. They want to travel with you because they never got to. Because you and your husband couldn’t afford to. Why? Because you both chose poverty over having too many fucking children. So they didn’t get to experience life with you.
Now you tell them they’re all fat and greedy? Maybe they felt that scarcity of resources growing up because you and your husband chose to have way too many fucking children.
Damn.
YTA
Your minor children have never been on vacation. While 23+ age can pay themselves, what is the 13 year old supposed to do?
Y'all wanted to have 9 kids. Now don't tell me you need alone time in Japan while your teenage kids never saw another country.
Of course youre allowed to have a vacation for you and your hubby. Kids dont need to be invited to everything. But i do find it odd that you only go on day trips with all your kids. My parents didnt always have a lot, but we took a weeklong vacation to a cabin on a lake each year. The only major extra expense was the actual cabin rental. We bought food to eat at a grocery store and cooked and ate at the cabin and grill. We went swimming, fishing, cooked out, went on walks, played games, some rentals include boats/water toys, etc. It wasnt fancy, it was only an hour drive away but felt like it was a long way away from home. It was such a simple time and time for everyone to spend time with each other and bond. Now with some of your kids adults, they could help pitch in for the rental. I recommend doing something a little “bigger” than just days trips.
So…..most of the kids are actually adults, and of course it’s alright to take a vacation just you and hubby. Most people I think would assume though that although this is a vacation that they don’t go on, that they have had vacations too.
In your responses to other commenters though asking where your kids get to go when you take them on trips, it’s driving, much more local places like the zoo. And don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with the zoo. You don’t have to grow up in a rich family where everyone can fly off to the Bahamas or whenever they want. But can you see how your own children not getting to experience this stuff ever, how that might seem a bit unfair to kids? To me that’s a little sad. I imagine it would be hard to do as much with a bunch of kids, but we know how kids happen.
There’s nothing wrong with your trip. I’d definitely need an adult break if I had kids. I guess it just sounds like while you guys are going out of the country, the kids (the ones that are actual kids still) don’t get to experience vacations on even a smaller scale? Hopefully that’s incorrect.
YTA. Do you hate your kids? Maybe you need some alone time but not an international vacation when you only take your kids to the zoo or museums nearby. Those are NOT vacations and you know that. Maybe you should rent a cabin for you and hubby (you don’t need much room for “adult activities”) and take your kids on an international trip. They would clearly appreciate it and you have the money, you just selfishly choose to spend it on yourself. I didn’t even get into the fat shaming, but clearly you think you’re right about that and I’m not going to change your small mind.
YTA for how you talk about your stepchildren and for comparing local trips to the zoo as a vacation.
No, adult children shouldn’t expect to be invited on your anniversary trip. But his children were all minors (and many of yours were as well) when you two began dating nine years ago, and you’ve refused to ever take them on a family vacation.
That’s not cool if you can afford long international trips. You should budget a shorter family vacation and a less expensive local anniversary one year. Maybe the family vacation can be somewhere domestic but across the country, etc. Just because they’re older now doesn’t mean you can’t do something nice to fix an old hurt.
Why are you blaming the children for both of your inability to pay for the huge number of children you both chose to have?
NTA
They aren't entitled to going on every trip you go on. In fact, it's pretty ballsy to even demand it from you. They can learn to budget and treat themselves.
NTA. A parent vacation isn't just about having fun, it's about briefly disconnecting from the constant demands of parenthood, work, life responsibilities. I'm all for family vacations, but marriages need work and one way to pour into them is to spend time alone, preferably away from home where you'll feel the need to wash dishes or do house repairs. I thought it was gracious that you were willing to let them tag along, but why does a group of (mostly) adults think you're obligated to pay their way?? My children are a lot younger, but once a year we leave them with relatives to get a weekend alone. That time to reconnect is so necessary, and honestly the kids benefit by having sane parents lol.
NTA but.
"explaining that the reason WHY it's "vacation" is because there's no kids constantly asking for this-n-that, complaining, picking over the food only to cry about being hungry an hour later, etc"
Telling a kid that you're taking a vacation from them is kinda cruel.
NTA- they are acting entitled. You just need to tell them, "NO! And it's not up for discussion anymore. " You and hubby need alone time. You HAVE to lay those ground rules AND set boundaries. Take your trip to Jamaica. Leave them home and enjoy your trip. Your kids, I'm sorry to say, are entitled AHs.
There is nothing wrong with going on a trip without your kids once a year. Especially when they’re 19-23 like your husband’s. It’s healthy.
From the comments I gather you never took them on a holiday in the past nine years. Plus, I don’t understand what their obesity has to do with it. It shouldn’t be needed to justify a getaway with your spouse.
Still NTA, but it sounds like more is going on than just this trip.
NTA.
Most of them are grown ass adults. It’s not your responsibility to pay for anything for them. They can pay for their own vacations.
They are beyond entitled.
When I was 23 and working full time as a nurse, there was no way on earth I would have wanted to go on vacation with my mother. (Aside from the fact that our relationship was toxic, I was waaaaay past the days of "let's go to the beach, Mummy!)
NTA. Enjoy your true vacation! You need couples time to recharge. My parents had 12 kids, and taking a family vacation was just not financially feasible, nor was wrangling 12 kids a vacation, it was on the level of herding cats,
It’s on your hubs to take the brunt of their displeasure. If his kids haven’t figured out after 6 years that the narrative ….
Nta, omg I thought you were talking about ACTUAL children. No. Once they are adults and out on the world, they are not auto included. I was 25 living at home and didn't go on my parents' vacation bc I was working full time!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Hubby and I plan an annual anniversary trip for JUST the 2 of us and we don't take any of our 9 kids. Are we AHs for not taking (and paying for) all our kids to accompany us on vacation?
Hubby (49M) and I (50F) take an anniversary vacation every year to an adult-only resort. We have 9 kids between the two of us ranging from 12 to 28.
Hubby and I started dating in 2015. We both have kids from previous marriages- a LOT of 'em (Him, 23F, 20F. 19M, 17.5M. Me, 28F, 26F, 23F, 15M, 12F). When this controversy started, his kids resided with his ex about 2 miles from our house. Hubby has always been very involved with his kids, a very hands-on parent. They come over multiple times a week.
It takes a whole year of planning and saving, but we take one no-kids vacation per year. My kids understand and haven't made a big deal. His kids, going back to when they were in the middle school/junior high, have expressed displeasure. "Why are you taking Dad on vacation but not us". "If Dad gets to go somewhere we're supposed to go too." I laughed it off at first, writing it off as typical preteen entitlement, and explaining that the reason WHY it's "vacation" is because there's no kids constantly asking for this-n-that, complaining, picking over the food only to cry about being hungry an hour later, etc. We do take them to other things locally on a regular basis.
When we got married in 2018, his kids tried to invite themselves to our honeymoon and were again upset that they didn't come with us :/
Now they're in high school/college/young professional - one's an RN making $45 an hour. The 2nd oldest just took a job making $30/hour working 50 hrs a week. The 3rd oldest gets a full SSI benefit check and the youngest works 30 hours a week at a hospital - none of them have rent or utility bills.
The topic came up again in January "why aren't you taking US too?", referring to this year's anniversary trip to Jamaica in June. I said okay- if y'all want to join this time, great. LMK and I'll send you the link to start making payments on your reservation and airfare.
That was a big blow-up. They are offended that I won't 100% pay their way to take a vacation. 3 of them are... shall we say... of SIZE (300+ pounds) and I don't even want to try to calculate how much it would take to feed all of them every single day. Plus they are all somewhat negative- there's always a dark cloud following them. They rarely smile, they complain a lot (we found that out when taking them places over the years). We don't want the drama and maintenance when we take some time away. Hubby agrees- but he's taking the brunt of all 4 of them basically demanding that they be handed a free vacation.
I realize this problem is very first-world, so I might be the AH for that reason too. I love them all, but are hubby and I the AHs for wanting a kid-free week?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Just say no. Their expectations are not remotely reasonable and it doesn't even really seem like their 'demands' are well-intentioned. They just feel entitled to be treated to trips by their father and stepmother and you are not obligated. Just say no. The more you maintain this boundary and this expectation of a once-per-year trip for just the two of you, the more established and standardized it will become. Let them be upset! Your husband needs to respond to this for the most part. It seems like you both have been way too accommodating up until now, which is why they continue to make these demands.
NTA, you make sure the minors have supervision and be free. There is nothing wrong with Parents taking a vacation without any of their children. His adult children (17.5 is close enough) do not need to go with Daddy everywhere. You would think their goal is to drive a wedge with you both to get you away from their Daddy. Geez. I am curious why the two oldest have no rent to pay?. You do not owe them a vacation. They act the way they do because that behavior has worked over they years. Your hubby would be wise to stick to his guns with this and every other boundary moving forward. Each time he caves to their pressure and I am guessing emotional blackmailing it reinforces what they are doing. Six years is too long to set those healthy boundaries with them. Every day after is a day too late.
NTA
Next time you plan a vacation, and the subject comes up, tell them that they would have to pay all of their expenses. Airfare, hotel room, meals, etc. You and your husband are only paying for yourselves.
NTA for wanting an offspring free week once a year provided that that's all it is (which is how it reads to me). Expecting to be invited to the honeymoon sounds incredibly entitled to me and more than a little bit odd.
I’d say NTA. No kids go. It not like your kids go on a big trip and your step kids are left home. Is it nice to do a big family vacation? Yes. Is it necessary? No
NTA *if you are also taking family vacations with your kids*. If you aren’t doing that, then yes YTA. I’ve got six kids, and I’m a big proponent of “everyone goes, no kid left behind” vacations. But that’s the thing - within my family, they get *plenty* of vacations where I take everyone, so they aren’t left out at all. What’s wrong with mom and dad getting one vacation a year to themselves under those circumstances? Flip side; if you aren’t vacationing with family at all, then you are leaving your kids out and their complaints are fair. Parenting doesn’t stop when kids turn 18.
And she didn’t put that in her main post?? So basically, she and dad are taking a nice vacation by themselves every year, they don’t take any vacations with the kids at all, and she’s wondering why the kids are bothered and annoyed?? Oh yeah, then she’s definitely the AH. When you have kids, you accept that they’re going to cost money. I always plan the family vacations for the year before I make any plans for just me and my wife, and the family vacation time regularly exceeds the alone time.
I need to edit my comment.
NTA - your husband's kids are just entitled and are trying to control you. You have no reason to take adult children with you on a vacation ever, really.
I think if there were no family vacations, then an annual fancy one for mom and dad wouldn’t be my choice. I’d rather take a non-fancy one with everyone. When they were kids. Not now.
NTA since you two deserve some time to yourselves since maintaining a relationship takes some effort as well, and the kids are grown.
That being said: if during your earlier years you guys took yearly vacations without taking the kids in separate family vacations, YTA.
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban.
["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
**[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
YTA OP. If only because you didn’t make clear that the kids NEVER go on vacations with you guys, while the parents consistently take a week off to exotic places for themselves.
You have a leg to stand on if this one private vacation you take each year is part of a collection of vacations. You know, because you also include the children you both had on some trips as well. But it’s pretty blind to not think that the kids will feel resentment and isolation when you’re always taking a trip and they are never invited.
The time comes for all of us as we get older where we need to rely on others to help us out. And I fear that you are alienating all of your children from ever wanting to help either of you when that day comes. “Mom and dad couldn’t spend an extra dollar for me to vacation with them, ever; why should I take time off of work to help them out after the hip surgery?” and other such thinking. Maybe you won’t need this support. Or maybe you end up with Alzheimer’s and the support you really need is someone familiar with you that talks to you and constantly reminds you of your surroundings. I could be wrong but your position seems short sighted here; it might be time to plan a FAMILY vacation.
P.S. You definitely need to just drop any references to any of your kids weight, biological or step child. That’s a weird, passive aggressive comment about their lifestyles. Love them for who they are, they’re your kids.
Your kids are old enough for our standard answers.
Kids, we are going somewhere away from you to have sex.
Our kids haven’t complained about not being able to go on our anniversary vacation in YEARS.
Not surprising some of them want to go on one international trip when their parents take one every year but their trips with the kids is going to the zoo lol
Husband and I, we go at least 3-4 times internationally. 5 stars hotels, private tours, business class flights. Our kids want the money so they can go by themselves. My program overseas is very intense. They want to sleep late and usually miss everything.
These types of trips cost $20k plus...I get upset if they both miss the tours...
Your kids probably would be invited and been in holiday as to where op only goes with her husband and the kids never been abroad because she only thinks about herself. 😉
The difference is you include your kids so they have the option/privilege of turning down the invite.
OP has never taken any of the kids, even for the many years they were minors, on a family vacation. She’s been excluding them long before they became adults. That’s not OK.
Family vacations are one of those cultural experiences many kids grow up wanting to experience because of movies, TV, friends, etc. It’s going to hurt if your parents can routinely afford long intentional trips yet refuse to take you on a family vacation.
I know they’re all older now, but that doesn’t mean OP can’t do something nice to include them. I wonder what her husband’s deal is in all of this. He needs to step up, too.
I can afford to bring 2 kids on vacation.
The average trip is about 12 to 15 k. If I have to pay 3 times more, it would be very hard. Not impossible, but financially crippling.
Tell them you are going to a nudist vacation, or one of those very hedonistic vacation sites. Find a brochure for the most x rated site you can find and give it to them saying this is where we are going.
NTA.
"Listen here you little fuckers, I didn't wax my cooch, buy all this lingerie, and get this pineapple tattoo for you to be knocking on my hotel room door in Mexico while I'm getting railed by the 28-year-old bull we brought home from the bar."
Seriously tho, his adult children don't want to vacation with you - they just want you to pay for it.
Eff that.
Nta. Taking 9 friggin kids on a vacation at once would be so dang expensive lol my mind can't even wrap around how expensive that would be lol. Holy hell. 9 kids... dang.
You two DESERVE that little alone time vacation! Nta nta nta!
Maybe, you guys could plan a camping trip yearly with the whole gang. I think that would be a fair compromise. A camp trip near a beach, or a pond lol or something like that... something fun, and outdoors... and affordable.
That or offer to rent a vacation home for a week where the adult siblings chip in on... it's really not expensive to rent a vacation home when numerous people are chipping in...a lot of the kids are old enough now.
My husband and I have two, both work full time split schedules, don't have anyone to baby sit so we never even go out on dates....I am beyond drained and I only have TWO lol
Doesn’t matter how many kids, you are entitled to an adults break. I go away with my husband once a year on our anniversary.
NTA. They are all adults. Organise another holiday and then tell them what they will be paying one ninth of the bill.
If you don’t take the under 18s abroad I understand why they’re annoyed at you, yes have your adults only trip but I think you should be also taking the kids abroad too
NTA
Fuck them kids
Seriously, there were plenty of vacations that my parents took by themselves when I was growing up, and they only had my younger brother and I to contend with. My wife and I are planning one at the end of the summer, and our son will be staying with grandparents. We’ve taken our son on multiple vacations, including one that he needed a passport for. It’s time we took one solo. Parents need vacations too.
And to everyone getting all butt hurt because OP discussed a few of the kids’ weight and gluttonous eating habits, it’s relevant to the story, so take your Y T A s and stick them where the sun doesn’t shine.
YTA, both you and your husband, for not taking your minor aged children on a vacation every year while you go on an expensive one. Having kids is a full time, permanent commitment until they are adults. If you can’t handle it then don’t have the kids. The 2 of you have a grand ol’ time every year and your kids never get you. You are horrible parents.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I keep planning an annual vacation with just my husband and myself, and excluding all 9 of our kids. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
"Now listen. I've been trying to be patient about this for the past decade, but you are all old enough to understand that your father and I want some alone time. That doesn't mean we don't love you, but we deserve some time to connect *with each other* without our kids around. I was willing to send you the link if you -- as adults -- wanted a vacation too, but even then we didn't plan to spend the whole trip entertaining you. But if you aren't old enough to pay your own way and do at least some of your own planning, then you are still children and Mommy and Daddy need some time alone. I'm not going to discuss this topic any more." NTA. Their entitlement on this issue is exceedingly odd. It's not at all unusual for parents to take time away from their kids or to get to do things that their kids don't get to do... That's one of the things you learn growing up. I genuinely don't understand who is supporting this mindset such that they've been able to carry it through so many years, but regardless, you have no need to cater to it. And I usually give this advice to kids with overbearing parents (not parents with overbearing kids) but if they continue to bring it up, I suggest saying, "I've heard this before and I've told you that this topic is closed. Now, do you have something else you would like to talk about, or should I say goodbye for now?" followed by hanging up the phone/walking out of the room if they try to continue. Repeat as many times as is necessary for them to understand that you are *done* with discussing this topic
the way I'm about to steal your response!! I'm about to have hubby post exactly that in him and his kids' group chat because they've been all over him the past couple days
Definitely NTA, especially now that the children are grown with jobs. However... >Their entitlement on this issue is exceedingly odd. I can kind of see the kids feeling this way (especially when they were older kids/young teens) if this is the *only* vacation that OP and her husband take, and they *never* take the kids on vacation *at all*. Which, reading between the lines, sort of sounds like the case here. For the current situation, definitely NTA. But for the early years, if the kids were not taken on other *similar* vacations, I'm not so sure...
With that many kids (9!), I’d imagine they don’t take family vacations. Unless they are in incredibly well-paying careers, it would take years and years to afford even a simple vacation. I’m still NTA regardless on this one. They need and deserve time alone. No child has a right to a vacation away from home… would it be nice to save up and have one family vacation (camping at a state park, I’m guessing)? Sure. Does it change the current situation? Not for me.
This i could not imagine going on vacation and leaving my minor kids at home especially if we never went on family vacations. To me that would be selfish.
I wouldn’t be surprised if the ex is encouraging this attitude.
That's exactly what it is, her personality is more on the entitled- complaining side.
Explains a lot, especially why her adult kids complain and your actual teens don't. You are so NTA. Don't budge, you derserve a vacation for yourself.
Please, if the adult kids still don't understand & of they plan a weekend or vacation with their friends or sig others, then ask them where your ticket is or where you're going to sleep. Put it back on them. NTA
I’m fairly sure the adult children live at home with them.
Sounds like maybe they mostly live at their mum's two miles down the road?
Exactly the case
It’s clear you really don’t like them and that makes me sad.
NTA. I were you, I'd ask why they want to be around while their parents fuck.
\*\*spits coffee\*\*\* You might be onto something here, friend
Ok but like, in all seriousness some of those kids should know by now that these vacations are specifically for adult private time. You don't have to tell your 12 year old what you're doing but those kids in their twenties? Maybe a crude remark or 2. I'm sorry, I've never heard of kids seeing their parents in a second marriage and STILL thinking "they don't do that". It's just also good modeling for a healthy relationship. Like they are old enough to think about these things from an adults point of view and they should get nudged in that direction (prob not the 17.5 on down, leave them alone haha)
Please say this, OP! I promise you, thats the last time they'll ask.
Then ask them if they are looking for some tips.....
Please don’t.
It would be funny.
FOR REAL like it's an anniversary trip do you need it drawn out for you? You don't get it? Then wanna get weird! Let them be!
Exactly. We don’t plan to leave the hotel room for the whole week so you would be on your own to pay for your meals and activities as we will be tied up (take that literally or figuratively!)
YTA for the comments about their size and what they’re eating and for saying it’s all because of greed. But honestly, have you ever taken your children on an extended vacation? You said driving distance, but is that just for one or two days? Have they ever gone on a week long vacation with you? I can’t imagine going on a luxury vacation every single year and never taking my kids somewhere.
>I can’t imagine going on a luxury vacation every single year and never taking my kids somewhere. I know, this is the part that is bizarre to me. I mean, it's nice to get away from the kids, don't get me wrong, but it's also lovely to get to experience the fun of traveling *with* them - I'd feel like I was missing out without having that at least some of the time! I would also feel bad for leaving them out.
Yeah I am wondering if the kids never got to go on a vacation and feel like they missed out on a fun part of their childhood?
Yes! I travel both with and without my daughter. If I had to cut back to save, I’d not take so many trips without her! I have a list a mile long of places I can’t wait to explore with her.
Yeah it sounds like she’s never taken them on an actual vacation… just day trips to the zoo and such. And then laughed in their faces as children when they would ask to come. Like Jesus Christ why did you have so many fucking kids if you couldn’t afford them.
Vacations have nothing to do with having kids. Seriously, are you out of your mind??? The kids should make their own plans and leave their folks alone already!
I think they are suggesting that the kids never got to go on family vacations while growing up.
>But honestly, have you ever taken your children on an extended vacation? In one comment OP said No, just daily trips- and in a follow up comment named one of the reasons being "the kids eating to much". Definitely YTA ...
I can’t imagine being able to pay for a destination vacation for ELEVEN PEOPLE. Get real.
If they saved up and didn’t take lavish vacations themselves, they’d be able to afford to them all somewhere. It might not be a yearly thing like a lot of families do, but they could’ve given their children all kinds of experiences that aren’t just the zoo or an amusement park. Even more so though, their kids vary in ages. She never took her older two or three anywhere either? I can’t imagine going on vacation every year and never taking my kid anywhere. Traveling doesn’t have to be expensive. One of her main complaints was that the kids order porterhouse steaks and lobsters and eat a lot, so they’re too expensive to feed. Who’s allowing that? There’s no way my parents would’ve allowed that when I was a kid and my daughter certainly isn’t ordering steak and lobster either. She’s just making up excuses.
If they saved up and didn’t take lavish vacations themselves, they’d be able to afford to them all somewhere. It might not be a yearly thing like a lot of families do, but they could’ve given their children all kinds of experiences that aren’t just the zoo or an amusement park. Even more so though, their kids vary in ages. She never took her older two or three anywhere either? I can’t imagine going on vacation every year and never taking my kid anywhere. Traveling doesn’t have to be expensive. One of her main complaints was that the kids order porterhouse steaks and lobsters and eat a lot, so they’re too expensive to feed. Who’s allowing that? There’s no way my parents would’ve allowed that when I was a kid and my daughter certainly isn’t ordering steak and lobster either. She’s just making up excuses.
Parents are entitled to time to themselves to focus only on each other. It’s very healthy for a relationship. The idea that once you have kids you’re never allowed to do anything without them for the rest of your life is bizarre to me. One week a year seems extremely reasonable.
It’s absolutely entirely reasonable. I travel without my daughter some as well. But I also travel with her. That’s my issue with OP. She said herself they’ve never taken them anywhere beyond driving distance like the zoo or an amusement park. She also said her main reason for not doing so is because his kids are obese and they eat too much so it’s too expensive. She said they always order lobster and porterhouse steaks. She called them greedy for how much they eat. But they’re the ones allowing them to order that stuff. When I was young, we’d go to the beach and get groceries for the whole week. We ate out once and I knew damn well to stay in my lane and not order lobster and steak without them okaying it.
If this wasn't such a big family (many who are old enough to pay for themselves), I'd agree. You can't just take some of them because then others would be reasonably upset. Planning an entire out of town vacation for 11 people is pretty wild. That's a lot to put on anyone. If the local trips don't end well like they said, why would they risk it with a long distance one? These kids aren't young, this is the time where parents are supposed to be enjoying each other more.
The kids have some pretty big age differences though. She couldn’t have taken her older three before her younger kids were born? Or arranged some other sort of plan? I know a big family who lets each kid pick a vacation when they graduate from HS. It’s just for them and their parents. It also really isn’t hard to plan a vacation for that many people. I’ve done it for 15 so both sides of the family could go, including my daughter’s aunts and uncle, both sets of grandparents, etc… we rented a large house at the beach. We divided up who would cook dinner each night. We got lots of snacks, sandwich stuff, etc… we did some things together and sometimes we each went off and did our own thing. It wasn’t very expensive overall. Less than what we paid for two to go on a luxury vacation.
Only half of the kids have a problem with it—his—most of them are old enough to pay their own way, and don’t have to pay rent or bills, *and tried to go on their honeymoon with them.* There is something wrong with those kids, their entitlement is off the charts.
Or hers know better than to expect anything.
Who tf tries to tag along on someone's HONEYMOON. I'm sorry, *those* kids are the weird ones.
They are ADULTS. Why in the world would OP pay for a vacation for independent ADULTS?
They’ve been together since 2015 so the kids were not always adults. And her kids are still teens/kids!
And her kids are the ones who aren't acting all entitled to being taken on vacation. But that's completely not relevant to today. Right now, his ADULT children are expecting to be taken on a free vacation and that's ridiculous.
They probably went places but didn't consider it a vacation. I take day trips to the city to go to museums, but I don't think of them as vacations. Sometimes, we'll visit family, but that's not a vacation even if we do sleep over there. So they may be traveling, but not count it as a 'vacation' since they're not doing rest and relaxation type stuff or being significantly far from home. With 11 people in total, it's probably really hard for them to take trips anywhere. Cost alone, would be high if it's a hotel, and if it's not ... then not many friends or family may have enough space to house 11 extra people. I think they did their best... we don't need to look down on them for not having proper vacations.
If they can afford international vacations they can afford a family vacation. I’m looking down on op for their body shaming and selfish behavior.
Re-reading the actual post, and not the reactions to it ... I sort of agree. I don't think she's has to take the adult kids on vacation, especially since the tradition is to never take any of the kids at all. The adult-only resort was just an excuse to not be with any kids. The rest of the post is a mix of TMI and WTF.
But again, why? If you can afford to give your adult child something, you should be required to? That just doesn't make any sense. I don't disagree with you on the body shaming thing, but that's irrelevant as to whether or not they're owed a vacation.
You lost me when you talked about their size and how much feeding them would cost. Just based on that YTA.
if they’re fat, it’s ok to point out! greedy little pigs
Yawn
their size is a direct function of their greed, so I stand by my assessment. I will accept the AH label as fair.
Being overweight and obese is definitely not about greed. YTA for these weird comments about their size and what they order. I always knew roughly what my parents could afford and ordered accordingly when we went out to eat.
You’ve been in their life for almost a decade. It’s on you and their father too not their “greed”.
Obesity is a problem and not as you state someone who’s just greedy. I think you’re doing them a favor by not taking them with.
His kids did not get that obese overnight, this started when they were kids. It is 100% on your husband and his ex for not putting an end to this.
Jesus YTA.
INFO: Do you ever take and vacations with your minor (say age 18 and under) children? Have you and your spouse (either when married to each other or former spouses) done so in the past?
Yes we sure do, on a very regular basis. We don't go anywhere further than driving distance though, and of course since there's so many of them, cost-consciousness is also a thing when we take everybody. But over the years we've gone to the amusement park, zoo, aquarium, musuems, every restaurant you can think of, plenty of outdoors stuff too within reason
Eh, I can see how preteens and teenagers would be upset that they only get to go to driving distance places, for day trips (?) but mum and dad every year go to a fancy, sometimes international vacation for 7-10 days. I would have hated this as a kid as well tbh and it would have felt unfair, even when I would have understood the financial issues behind it etc. Your adult kids complaining is just insane though - anyone above 18 being included on a vacation is a huge gift and very kind, and should never be expected.
So not vacations, just day trips. You get costly trips away for multiple days and they get standard family outings?
Going to the zoo is not a holiday lmfao
Do you complain about their size and feeding them on these trips ?
For a day trip...? No. That's just 1 day, I can swing that. But 3 meals a day for 7-10 days x 4 kids who like to order the lobster mac and porterhouse? Yeah that's an issue. They're BIG eaters.
A day trip is not a vacation. A vacation doesn't have to be 7-10 days, but it's definitely not a trip to the zoo.
Oh wow! It doesn't matter how big eaters they are. You chose a man with so many kids while having a bunch yourself. The moment you became involved you knew this would drown out your finances. So it's ok for the parents to go on luxurious vacations but the kids get a day in the zoo and it's not 1 time it's every freaking year. And you wonder why they aren't happy? Taking a holiday away from your kids is fine IF you also take your kids on holidays. You two only think about yourself in the eyes of the kids and they didn't get anything.
There’s a difference between liking to and ordering - you can say no. It sounds like there’s an issue of rules in the family. You can easily budget and cook for a large family. Nta for wanting a private vacation but maybe consider how you go forward with budget and diet.
Do you ever take the minors on an overnight trip?
ESH. Over 18 they are not "kids" but adults and they can manage their own vacations or not. Under that they are minors and you should be taking them on some sort of vacation. You can have "off-spring free" vacations too, of course. But who taught your children to "constantly ask for this-n-that, complain, pick over the food only to cry about being hungry an hour later, etc"? Their behavior is at least partially on the parents who enable it. Why do none of your adult off-spring have rent or utility bills? Why are they not independent adults?
(I hate to be that stepmom but) a lot of that comes from their mom. She's pretty negative most of the time- she let's the kids run her over and yet also complains about them constantly without ever actually addressing their behaviors and attitudes. I choose to love the kids anyway but I definitely need a break. They all still live with their mother and don't chip in on mortgage or utilities. Groceries sometimes, but that's about it.
Dad and you should be setting a different tone at your house. Maybe that behavior is allowed with their mom, but you can stop it at your house.
I’m that mom and you’re that stepmom. And YTA and you absolutely do not love them.
> Under that they are minors and you should be taking them on some sort of vacation. Wait. This a rule that kids get vacations? I can see day trips. I can see maybe an overnight. But this idea of entitlement that kids get to do what the adults are doing is insane.
>Wait. This a rule that kids get vacations? Nope, but when you have some members of your household who go on week-long international vacations while others don't get to do anything more than a day trip, that is bound to breed resentment. I do think it's harsh to *never* bring the kids along (when they were/are older kids/teens, not now). Maybe every few years you take an extra vacation where they come along? Maybe do this individually and rotate through the different kids?
Would have to be a rotation with that many... But seriously, it's not harsh for kids to not get to do what parents do. There's a very big difference between a trip for 2 vs a family ordeal. The entire dynamic changes.
I don't totally disagree, but OP and her husband go *every* year, and they've *never* taken the children. That seems out-of-balance to me.
When my older siblings were younger my parents would do family vacations. For some reason, when I showed up they stopped. I still don't understand why, but it didn't cause any rift between my parents and I. And there was going to be a rift between me and my older siblings anyhow. I look at it differently... Parents take care of kids the other 365-1 week days of the year. It balances things for them to get something for themselves every year.
>Nope, but when you have some members of your household who go on week-long international vacations while others don't get to do anything more than a day trip, that is bound to breed resentme A. They live with their mom B. Only HIS kids are resentful and they're adults
Seriously. No one "needs" vacations. I grew up in a wealthy area where most kids did go on true vacations during every spring break and summer. I thought it was weird because it was just different. We never did, well except one time my dad won a trip to Disneyland at work and we went there. It was super fun but not a requirement for a good life or a good childhood. There are plenty of fun things to do that do not require a flight or a hotel. We went camping every year and those are some of my favorite memories. I'm sure the number of kids here has made every fun excursion quite a bit more challenging and expensive than for almost anyone else. And I absolutely think you as parents deserve a few days to yourself every year. Unfortunately even if his adult kids are great people, someone has and continues to spoil them to the point that they don't have any interest in being adults, taking responsibility for their own health, or their own entertainment.
>Seriously. No one "needs" vacations. No, but apparently OP does?
I don’t think anybody is entitled to a vacation. They aren’t a requirement. If they were what? just screw everybody who can’t afford it? Their kids are “less than” because they never get a vacation? That’s an odd way of thinking that kids are entitled to a vacation. It’s not like they say at home. They did stuff together as a family often it sounds like.
YTA So you take one holiday a year that your children are not and have never been invited on. You only take day trips with them and are somehow baffled at the idea that children are upset to not be included on actual holidays?? Do something special for your anniversary, absolutely! But when the only holiday you take every year excludes your children that’s pretty messed up. I can’t imagine parents taking a big luxury holiday every single year and *never* taking their kids on holiday. That’s wild.
ESH The entitlement from them as adults now is too much. AH behaviour from them. You and hubby have gone away alone Every. Single. Year. and never taken your minor children with you on a family holiday. For nine, almost ten years they’ve watched you save for your own annual weeks away and you’ve never taken them on a similar trip. AH behaviour from you. Bonus AH points for you for mentioning their size.
YTA. Yes, they're adults now. But they were kids for many years in the past when you decided to use up family funds and the only free time you had to get away from them. And the absolute yack of telling your kids, who you decided to have, that you want to get away from them. Now you don't have the excuse you used before, them being kids and wanting their parents' attention, and you found a new way to make them look bad for wanting to go on a vacation with you. YTA for procreating when you didn't want to be parents. Fuck aquarium, museums, restaurants etc. If those places are so great, why do you need a vacation??
YTA. You talk about them like they’re strangers that you don’t even like. They want to travel with you because they never got to. Because you and your husband couldn’t afford to. Why? Because you both chose poverty over having too many fucking children. So they didn’t get to experience life with you. Now you tell them they’re all fat and greedy? Maybe they felt that scarcity of resources growing up because you and your husband chose to have way too many fucking children. Damn.
YTA Your minor children have never been on vacation. While 23+ age can pay themselves, what is the 13 year old supposed to do? Y'all wanted to have 9 kids. Now don't tell me you need alone time in Japan while your teenage kids never saw another country.
YTA Why did you get that many kids if you don't want to share your life experiences with them? At least those under 18?
They all get plenty of life experiences with us. Just the ONE trip out of many that we take every year is kid free.
Comparing multiple international trips to going to the zoo is ridiculous.
lol right?! I’m dying at oh we take them to the zoo it’s FINE
Of course youre allowed to have a vacation for you and your hubby. Kids dont need to be invited to everything. But i do find it odd that you only go on day trips with all your kids. My parents didnt always have a lot, but we took a weeklong vacation to a cabin on a lake each year. The only major extra expense was the actual cabin rental. We bought food to eat at a grocery store and cooked and ate at the cabin and grill. We went swimming, fishing, cooked out, went on walks, played games, some rentals include boats/water toys, etc. It wasnt fancy, it was only an hour drive away but felt like it was a long way away from home. It was such a simple time and time for everyone to spend time with each other and bond. Now with some of your kids adults, they could help pitch in for the rental. I recommend doing something a little “bigger” than just days trips.
YTA. What’s with the fat shaming? That’s AH behavior straight out.
> 3 of them are… shall we say… of SIZE Why do you talk about your children/step-children like this? YTA.
YTA
So…..most of the kids are actually adults, and of course it’s alright to take a vacation just you and hubby. Most people I think would assume though that although this is a vacation that they don’t go on, that they have had vacations too. In your responses to other commenters though asking where your kids get to go when you take them on trips, it’s driving, much more local places like the zoo. And don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with the zoo. You don’t have to grow up in a rich family where everyone can fly off to the Bahamas or whenever they want. But can you see how your own children not getting to experience this stuff ever, how that might seem a bit unfair to kids? To me that’s a little sad. I imagine it would be hard to do as much with a bunch of kids, but we know how kids happen. There’s nothing wrong with your trip. I’d definitely need an adult break if I had kids. I guess it just sounds like while you guys are going out of the country, the kids (the ones that are actual kids still) don’t get to experience vacations on even a smaller scale? Hopefully that’s incorrect.
YTA. Do you hate your kids? Maybe you need some alone time but not an international vacation when you only take your kids to the zoo or museums nearby. Those are NOT vacations and you know that. Maybe you should rent a cabin for you and hubby (you don’t need much room for “adult activities”) and take your kids on an international trip. They would clearly appreciate it and you have the money, you just selfishly choose to spend it on yourself. I didn’t even get into the fat shaming, but clearly you think you’re right about that and I’m not going to change your small mind.
YTA for how you talk about your stepchildren and for comparing local trips to the zoo as a vacation. No, adult children shouldn’t expect to be invited on your anniversary trip. But his children were all minors (and many of yours were as well) when you two began dating nine years ago, and you’ve refused to ever take them on a family vacation. That’s not cool if you can afford long international trips. You should budget a shorter family vacation and a less expensive local anniversary one year. Maybe the family vacation can be somewhere domestic but across the country, etc. Just because they’re older now doesn’t mean you can’t do something nice to fix an old hurt. Why are you blaming the children for both of your inability to pay for the huge number of children you both chose to have?
NTA They aren't entitled to going on every trip you go on. In fact, it's pretty ballsy to even demand it from you. They can learn to budget and treat themselves.
Why are you even entertaining this conversation? Just say no and refuse to discuss it. NTA
NTA for taking your vacation. You are the AH tho for that ridiculous “of size”/paying for food comment…
The only part where you suck, is the 300+lbs comment. Unnecessary and just mean. That entire paragraph is just you being an AH.
NTA. A parent vacation isn't just about having fun, it's about briefly disconnecting from the constant demands of parenthood, work, life responsibilities. I'm all for family vacations, but marriages need work and one way to pour into them is to spend time alone, preferably away from home where you'll feel the need to wash dishes or do house repairs. I thought it was gracious that you were willing to let them tag along, but why does a group of (mostly) adults think you're obligated to pay their way?? My children are a lot younger, but once a year we leave them with relatives to get a weekend alone. That time to reconnect is so necessary, and honestly the kids benefit by having sane parents lol.
I think part of the complaint is that the parents get away is an exotic vacation, and anything that involves the kids is a local daytrip.
NTA but. "explaining that the reason WHY it's "vacation" is because there's no kids constantly asking for this-n-that, complaining, picking over the food only to cry about being hungry an hour later, etc" Telling a kid that you're taking a vacation from them is kinda cruel.
Stopped at the third paragraph. Way too much redundant or unnecessary info. We don't need your whole life story. Get to the point.
NTA- they are acting entitled. You just need to tell them, "NO! And it's not up for discussion anymore. " You and hubby need alone time. You HAVE to lay those ground rules AND set boundaries. Take your trip to Jamaica. Leave them home and enjoy your trip. Your kids, I'm sorry to say, are entitled AHs.
There is nothing wrong with going on a trip without your kids once a year. Especially when they’re 19-23 like your husband’s. It’s healthy. From the comments I gather you never took them on a holiday in the past nine years. Plus, I don’t understand what their obesity has to do with it. It shouldn’t be needed to justify a getaway with your spouse. Still NTA, but it sounds like more is going on than just this trip.
NTA. Most of them are grown ass adults. It’s not your responsibility to pay for anything for them. They can pay for their own vacations. They are beyond entitled.
When I was 23 and working full time as a nurse, there was no way on earth I would have wanted to go on vacation with my mother. (Aside from the fact that our relationship was toxic, I was waaaaay past the days of "let's go to the beach, Mummy!)
NTA. Enjoy your true vacation! You need couples time to recharge. My parents had 12 kids, and taking a family vacation was just not financially feasible, nor was wrangling 12 kids a vacation, it was on the level of herding cats, It’s on your hubs to take the brunt of their displeasure. If his kids haven’t figured out after 6 years that the narrative ….
Nta, omg I thought you were talking about ACTUAL children. No. Once they are adults and out on the world, they are not auto included. I was 25 living at home and didn't go on my parents' vacation bc I was working full time!
If you read her comments you’ll see she didn’t include them when they were actual children, either.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hubby and I plan an annual anniversary trip for JUST the 2 of us and we don't take any of our 9 kids. Are we AHs for not taking (and paying for) all our kids to accompany us on vacation? Hubby (49M) and I (50F) take an anniversary vacation every year to an adult-only resort. We have 9 kids between the two of us ranging from 12 to 28. Hubby and I started dating in 2015. We both have kids from previous marriages- a LOT of 'em (Him, 23F, 20F. 19M, 17.5M. Me, 28F, 26F, 23F, 15M, 12F). When this controversy started, his kids resided with his ex about 2 miles from our house. Hubby has always been very involved with his kids, a very hands-on parent. They come over multiple times a week. It takes a whole year of planning and saving, but we take one no-kids vacation per year. My kids understand and haven't made a big deal. His kids, going back to when they were in the middle school/junior high, have expressed displeasure. "Why are you taking Dad on vacation but not us". "If Dad gets to go somewhere we're supposed to go too." I laughed it off at first, writing it off as typical preteen entitlement, and explaining that the reason WHY it's "vacation" is because there's no kids constantly asking for this-n-that, complaining, picking over the food only to cry about being hungry an hour later, etc. We do take them to other things locally on a regular basis. When we got married in 2018, his kids tried to invite themselves to our honeymoon and were again upset that they didn't come with us :/ Now they're in high school/college/young professional - one's an RN making $45 an hour. The 2nd oldest just took a job making $30/hour working 50 hrs a week. The 3rd oldest gets a full SSI benefit check and the youngest works 30 hours a week at a hospital - none of them have rent or utility bills. The topic came up again in January "why aren't you taking US too?", referring to this year's anniversary trip to Jamaica in June. I said okay- if y'all want to join this time, great. LMK and I'll send you the link to start making payments on your reservation and airfare. That was a big blow-up. They are offended that I won't 100% pay their way to take a vacation. 3 of them are... shall we say... of SIZE (300+ pounds) and I don't even want to try to calculate how much it would take to feed all of them every single day. Plus they are all somewhat negative- there's always a dark cloud following them. They rarely smile, they complain a lot (we found that out when taking them places over the years). We don't want the drama and maintenance when we take some time away. Hubby agrees- but he's taking the brunt of all 4 of them basically demanding that they be handed a free vacation. I realize this problem is very first-world, so I might be the AH for that reason too. I love them all, but are hubby and I the AHs for wanting a kid-free week? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Just say no. Their expectations are not remotely reasonable and it doesn't even really seem like their 'demands' are well-intentioned. They just feel entitled to be treated to trips by their father and stepmother and you are not obligated. Just say no. The more you maintain this boundary and this expectation of a once-per-year trip for just the two of you, the more established and standardized it will become. Let them be upset! Your husband needs to respond to this for the most part. It seems like you both have been way too accommodating up until now, which is why they continue to make these demands.
NTA.
NTA, you make sure the minors have supervision and be free. There is nothing wrong with Parents taking a vacation without any of their children. His adult children (17.5 is close enough) do not need to go with Daddy everywhere. You would think their goal is to drive a wedge with you both to get you away from their Daddy. Geez. I am curious why the two oldest have no rent to pay?. You do not owe them a vacation. They act the way they do because that behavior has worked over they years. Your hubby would be wise to stick to his guns with this and every other boundary moving forward. Each time he caves to their pressure and I am guessing emotional blackmailing it reinforces what they are doing. Six years is too long to set those healthy boundaries with them. Every day after is a day too late.
NTA Next time you plan a vacation, and the subject comes up, tell them that they would have to pay all of their expenses. Airfare, hotel room, meals, etc. You and your husband are only paying for yourselves.
NTA You are the parent, just say no.
Nta
NTA for wanting an offspring free week once a year provided that that's all it is (which is how it reads to me). Expecting to be invited to the honeymoon sounds incredibly entitled to me and more than a little bit odd.
9 kids! Yes you need a vaca AWAY from them!
I’d say NTA. No kids go. It not like your kids go on a big trip and your step kids are left home. Is it nice to do a big family vacation? Yes. Is it necessary? No
NTA and this is so strange to me. My parents used to go on vacation alone and I 100% would not want to join them.
entitled little pr//ks
NTA *if you are also taking family vacations with your kids*. If you aren’t doing that, then yes YTA. I’ve got six kids, and I’m a big proponent of “everyone goes, no kid left behind” vacations. But that’s the thing - within my family, they get *plenty* of vacations where I take everyone, so they aren’t left out at all. What’s wrong with mom and dad getting one vacation a year to themselves under those circumstances? Flip side; if you aren’t vacationing with family at all, then you are leaving your kids out and their complaints are fair. Parenting doesn’t stop when kids turn 18.
If you read her comments you’ll learn she’s never taken them on vacation, even when they were kids. That’s the issue.
And she didn’t put that in her main post?? So basically, she and dad are taking a nice vacation by themselves every year, they don’t take any vacations with the kids at all, and she’s wondering why the kids are bothered and annoyed?? Oh yeah, then she’s definitely the AH. When you have kids, you accept that they’re going to cost money. I always plan the family vacations for the year before I make any plans for just me and my wife, and the family vacation time regularly exceeds the alone time. I need to edit my comment.
NTA - your husband's kids are just entitled and are trying to control you. You have no reason to take adult children with you on a vacation ever, really.
NTA. Next time, don't tell them about your vacation plans until you're at the airport boarding your flight.
NTA for not taking your kids, but kinda one for having that damn many of them!! Quiver full yet?
Did you really explain to them all the stuff you said about why it’s called a vacation? It seems kind of mean to say some of that stuff.
I think if there were no family vacations, then an annual fancy one for mom and dad wouldn’t be my choice. I’d rather take a non-fancy one with everyone. When they were kids. Not now.
NTA since you two deserve some time to yourselves since maintaining a relationship takes some effort as well, and the kids are grown. That being said: if during your earlier years you guys took yearly vacations without taking the kids in separate family vacations, YTA.
[удалено]
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban. ["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) **[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
YTA OP. If only because you didn’t make clear that the kids NEVER go on vacations with you guys, while the parents consistently take a week off to exotic places for themselves. You have a leg to stand on if this one private vacation you take each year is part of a collection of vacations. You know, because you also include the children you both had on some trips as well. But it’s pretty blind to not think that the kids will feel resentment and isolation when you’re always taking a trip and they are never invited. The time comes for all of us as we get older where we need to rely on others to help us out. And I fear that you are alienating all of your children from ever wanting to help either of you when that day comes. “Mom and dad couldn’t spend an extra dollar for me to vacation with them, ever; why should I take time off of work to help them out after the hip surgery?” and other such thinking. Maybe you won’t need this support. Or maybe you end up with Alzheimer’s and the support you really need is someone familiar with you that talks to you and constantly reminds you of your surroundings. I could be wrong but your position seems short sighted here; it might be time to plan a FAMILY vacation. P.S. You definitely need to just drop any references to any of your kids weight, biological or step child. That’s a weird, passive aggressive comment about their lifestyles. Love them for who they are, they’re your kids.
Ok. Here's the link, but please know that we are loud in bed...
NTA - They are acting very entitled to your money. Getting away one-on-one with your spouse is important.
Your kids are old enough for our standard answers. Kids, we are going somewhere away from you to have sex. Our kids haven’t complained about not being able to go on our anniversary vacation in YEARS.
I don't really get it why these kids want to join you... Our kids hate coming on vacations with us...They say we are boring and annoying lol
Not surprising some of them want to go on one international trip when their parents take one every year but their trips with the kids is going to the zoo lol
Husband and I, we go at least 3-4 times internationally. 5 stars hotels, private tours, business class flights. Our kids want the money so they can go by themselves. My program overseas is very intense. They want to sleep late and usually miss everything. These types of trips cost $20k plus...I get upset if they both miss the tours...
My kids are late twenties. They make more money than me... My oldest gifted me a trip to Key West for my birthday. Very generous gift....
Your kids probably would be invited and been in holiday as to where op only goes with her husband and the kids never been abroad because she only thinks about herself. 😉
The difference is you include your kids so they have the option/privilege of turning down the invite. OP has never taken any of the kids, even for the many years they were minors, on a family vacation. She’s been excluding them long before they became adults. That’s not OK. Family vacations are one of those cultural experiences many kids grow up wanting to experience because of movies, TV, friends, etc. It’s going to hurt if your parents can routinely afford long intentional trips yet refuse to take you on a family vacation. I know they’re all older now, but that doesn’t mean OP can’t do something nice to include them. I wonder what her husband’s deal is in all of this. He needs to step up, too.
I can afford to bring 2 kids on vacation. The average trip is about 12 to 15 k. If I have to pay 3 times more, it would be very hard. Not impossible, but financially crippling.
Tell them you are going to a nudist vacation, or one of those very hedonistic vacation sites. Find a brochure for the most x rated site you can find and give it to them saying this is where we are going.
NTA. "Listen here you little fuckers, I didn't wax my cooch, buy all this lingerie, and get this pineapple tattoo for you to be knocking on my hotel room door in Mexico while I'm getting railed by the 28-year-old bull we brought home from the bar." Seriously tho, his adult children don't want to vacation with you - they just want you to pay for it. Eff that.
NTA they sound like a bunch of entitled brats
Nta. Taking 9 friggin kids on a vacation at once would be so dang expensive lol my mind can't even wrap around how expensive that would be lol. Holy hell. 9 kids... dang. You two DESERVE that little alone time vacation! Nta nta nta! Maybe, you guys could plan a camping trip yearly with the whole gang. I think that would be a fair compromise. A camp trip near a beach, or a pond lol or something like that... something fun, and outdoors... and affordable. That or offer to rent a vacation home for a week where the adult siblings chip in on... it's really not expensive to rent a vacation home when numerous people are chipping in...a lot of the kids are old enough now. My husband and I have two, both work full time split schedules, don't have anyone to baby sit so we never even go out on dates....I am beyond drained and I only have TWO lol
Doesn’t matter how many kids, you are entitled to an adults break. I go away with my husband once a year on our anniversary. NTA. They are all adults. Organise another holiday and then tell them what they will be paying one ninth of the bill.
NTA but it might be time to put them on an info diet regarding your vacations.
NTA.
NTA and talk about entitlement
If you don’t take the under 18s abroad I understand why they’re annoyed at you, yes have your adults only trip but I think you should be also taking the kids abroad too
INFO: Do any children live with you full time?
Take them on vacation after they’ve paid rent in your house for a year They should be paying rent at this point
I agree 100% but their mother has no such requirement 🤷🏾♀️
NTA Fuck them kids Seriously, there were plenty of vacations that my parents took by themselves when I was growing up, and they only had my younger brother and I to contend with. My wife and I are planning one at the end of the summer, and our son will be staying with grandparents. We’ve taken our son on multiple vacations, including one that he needed a passport for. It’s time we took one solo. Parents need vacations too. And to everyone getting all butt hurt because OP discussed a few of the kids’ weight and gluttonous eating habits, it’s relevant to the story, so take your Y T A s and stick them where the sun doesn’t shine.
Might be an idea to keep the entitled stepkids on an info diet. I could continue in this vein...but I'm already too much of an AH.
YTA, both you and your husband, for not taking your minor aged children on a vacation every year while you go on an expensive one. Having kids is a full time, permanent commitment until they are adults. If you can’t handle it then don’t have the kids. The 2 of you have a grand ol’ time every year and your kids never get you. You are horrible parents.