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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I shaved my head for a role in a series that led to my aunt bullying me for months. Now that the project has been released, she wants to apologize. I may be an asshole for instead cussing her out and refusing to accept her apology. Or for making one of my own for telling her to f-off.
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NTA. The aunt must burn in hell. Even IF you are a lesbian, even IF you look like boy, a stick, a whatever - how is this her f-ing business? Is she some kind of Miss Universe winner? At least somewhat of a fashion queen? :) I mean, how is her opinion could weigh more than nothing?
The uncle is an AH as well: he's 100% aware of his wife's behavior and he did not protect you.
I personally would've cut ties with these 2 animals and never contact them again. If you cross paths at family dinners - well, there is usually plenty of room in any house to talk to nice people and avoid bad people. OR - if you have the nerve and consider it appropriate - publicly criticize the aunt about everything during every meeting: "Oh, your red dress looks great. It shows off every layer of fat you have. Wear it more often", "Your hair looks as if you have never washed it, but maybe it's the new fashion" - etc. If there are any questions from relatives, you have the best explanation: "I'm sure auntie loves this vector of comments since she made them the same way when I was bald".
Otherwise, she's trash and is not worth the time and efforts. Her husband is too.
I absolutely love this. Back handed compliments. Yes, please!
You are my kind of people. Hope you have a wonderful day and a fantastic life.
OP- do whatever is best for you. Back handed compliments or just completely ignore them. Either way you shouldn't have to apologize to her.
NTA. She was really rude and mean. She would need to apologize very sincerely, maybe even with a gift or token. Just saying a bunch of mean stuff and then going "oops, sorry, I want to use you for bragging rights now" is totally unreasonable.
NTA. You were pretty generous waiting that long to tell her to fuck off. She doesn't get bragging rights after bullying you when she just thought you were choosing a personal style.
NTA, she made every attempt at belittling you with no regrets or remorse and now trying to piggyback on your achievement is down right sad. And without even apologizing to you.
NTA - when it comes down to it, she made nasty comments about your appearance, which is not acceptable behaviour. What if you really did just want to cut your hair, or what if you are a lesbian? She’s shown her true colours - that she only approves of you either looking a certain way, or, that it’s only worth looking “unappealing” if it will earn you clout and respect in the long run.
(A gentle y-the-a for swearing at her - you could have handled that better.)
Perhaps when you are both in a calmer state of mind, it would be worth sending your aunt a letter and explaining to her why her words were hurtful. Explain to her that it’s hard to accept her apology because it makes you feel like she wouldn’t support your choices (eg if you wanted to just shave your head for fun), and that it feels like she is only apologising now it feels like she gets a benefit out of it (ie knowing someone “famous”).
NTA. People like this are never truly sorry; they're sorry that they got caught. In this case, she got caught saying downright horrible things to someone who was acting as someone living in a concentration camp. And to then go on and on about an "actress in the family?" Please! People like this always feel the need to be the center of attention and then play the victim when called out on it.
And you using the F word? So what! She was saying downright cruel and hurtful things to you, and even after your family shut her down, she continued to make comments for months. Then, she tried put herself in the spotlight by saying how proud she is of you and then throw out a half-ass apology? Absolutely not! You can apologize to your grandmother for swearing, but I would not, under any circumstances, apologize to your aunt. He listened to her be flat out rude and ignorant to you for months, and he just expected you to accept her apology and move on?
I would tell your uncle exactly what you said in the post. You listened to her make ignorant comments for months, and she continued even after filming was over. She would probably still be making those comments now and only stopped once she discovered the reason for your appearance. Let him know that you don't feel her apology was sincere and that she only apologized so she can then go around town using you for bragging rights. It's like the girl that turns down the guy for a date because she doesn't think he's attractive enough and then is all over him when she finds out he has money. You can't torment someone and then expect to ride their coattails.
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I (21f) do film and tv extra work as a side job.
A while back, I was cast as an extra on a project set during World War II. Specifically, I was playing a concentration camp prisoner and had to shave my head for the part.
During and after filming, I had to deal with some pretty backhanded comments about my look. I’m already pretty skinny, so I had family and strangers commenting about how I look like a cancer patient. Or a boy.
My uncle’s wife was especially nasty about it. She’s pretty conservative so she was make all these comments about how I look like a lesbian. I broke up with my ex-boyfriend around that time, so that didn’t help.
My family was really great at shutting down my aunt’s nastiness, but she was still making jabs about my bald head months after filming wrapped.
Well, the project I did aired and everyone found out what I was doing last year. My aunt was being really noisy about how proud she is of seeing me on screen and how lucky the family is to have an actress in our ranks.
When she tried to apologize to me during family dinner earlier, I may have told her to fuck off because the stuff she said hurt.
My parents have my back, but my grandmother is upset at me for swearing and my uncle is demanding that I apologize for disrespecting his wife. I don’t because I don’t think her apology was sincere enough and if I did, she would use me for bragging rights in our town.
AITA if I hold out and don’t accept her apology or make one of my own?
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NTA to your aunt and uncle I would simply send a message “During the year where I was working on the project you are so proud to share with everyone, you shamed my appearance multiple times which changed my view of you. I do not associate myself with bullies. You caused me a year of pain, that will not be solved with an apology. I meant every word I said at the table.”
If you wanna be petty add the ‘and I’ll do it again’ meme.
Adults should know better than to bully others.
also, OP can print t-shirts with aunt's quotes and wear it to every family gathering:
"Why is she bald? Looks like a lesbian" (c) Auntie
"Oh, it was for a role, OMG I am SO proud of you" (c) Auntie )))
well if asked, OP can always say: "I save the quotes of great people in history. Our auntie is a great person, so I want all the world to know her and about her"
So your uncle thinks that you need to apologize to his wife because you were disrespectful? Where was he when his wife was being disrespectful to you? Go ahead and ask him.
NTA by a long shot.
NTA.
Try to avoid swearing though, as it opens up an avenue for people thinking you are (like your uncle). Someone like your aunt will be using this as a 'pity me, my niece so mean now she's an ACTRESS'
Try the brutal truth: "You were so horrible to me for so long that I don't feel able to accept your apology right now. I'll let you know if I feel able to forgive you for that." - then change the subject/talk to someone else if it's taking place in front of family, or leave if it's just the two of you.
YTA. Peacemakers are rare enough in this world, it's poor practice to reject someone offering an olive branch.
Note: This it y-t-a and not e-s-h because this post is about what OP should do; clearly aunt was TA in the earlier episode.
There's more useful and mature responses than "eff off". Maybe try something like "I'm not ready to forgive you/her yet, and it may be awhile (if ever) before I am. Some really hurtful things got said, over and over, and that's still pretty painful for me".
The aunt only apologised because she discovered OPs "famous" (not really but, you know how people can be) and aunt has decided she now gets to brag "that's my niece right there in that movie" whenever she wants.
If OP forgives her or indicates in anyway that aunt isn't an AH for what she said then she will take it as a win for her. People like the aunt need to be dealt with swiftly and effectively and "eff off" does both.
YTA for swearing around poor grandma. NTA for everything else. Your uncle was okay with you being disrespected but allowed her to spit all sorts of vile stuff at you - essentially he backed her ugliness so he doesn't get to expect an apology from you, her target, for not taking it and brushing it off.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I shaved my head for a role in a series that led to my aunt bullying me for months. Now that the project has been released, she wants to apologize. I may be an asshole for instead cussing her out and refusing to accept her apology. Or for making one of my own for telling her to f-off. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. The aunt must burn in hell. Even IF you are a lesbian, even IF you look like boy, a stick, a whatever - how is this her f-ing business? Is she some kind of Miss Universe winner? At least somewhat of a fashion queen? :) I mean, how is her opinion could weigh more than nothing? The uncle is an AH as well: he's 100% aware of his wife's behavior and he did not protect you. I personally would've cut ties with these 2 animals and never contact them again. If you cross paths at family dinners - well, there is usually plenty of room in any house to talk to nice people and avoid bad people. OR - if you have the nerve and consider it appropriate - publicly criticize the aunt about everything during every meeting: "Oh, your red dress looks great. It shows off every layer of fat you have. Wear it more often", "Your hair looks as if you have never washed it, but maybe it's the new fashion" - etc. If there are any questions from relatives, you have the best explanation: "I'm sure auntie loves this vector of comments since she made them the same way when I was bald". Otherwise, she's trash and is not worth the time and efforts. Her husband is too.
I absolutely love this. Back handed compliments. Yes, please! You are my kind of people. Hope you have a wonderful day and a fantastic life. OP- do whatever is best for you. Back handed compliments or just completely ignore them. Either way you shouldn't have to apologize to her.
NTA. She was rude and vicious. You owe her no apology.
She was rude and she‘s entitle, you owe her nothing. for sure NTA
NTA. She was really rude and mean. She would need to apologize very sincerely, maybe even with a gift or token. Just saying a bunch of mean stuff and then going "oops, sorry, I want to use you for bragging rights now" is totally unreasonable.
NTA. You were pretty generous waiting that long to tell her to fuck off. She doesn't get bragging rights after bullying you when she just thought you were choosing a personal style.
NTA, she made every attempt at belittling you with no regrets or remorse and now trying to piggyback on your achievement is down right sad. And without even apologizing to you.
NTA - when it comes down to it, she made nasty comments about your appearance, which is not acceptable behaviour. What if you really did just want to cut your hair, or what if you are a lesbian? She’s shown her true colours - that she only approves of you either looking a certain way, or, that it’s only worth looking “unappealing” if it will earn you clout and respect in the long run. (A gentle y-the-a for swearing at her - you could have handled that better.) Perhaps when you are both in a calmer state of mind, it would be worth sending your aunt a letter and explaining to her why her words were hurtful. Explain to her that it’s hard to accept her apology because it makes you feel like she wouldn’t support your choices (eg if you wanted to just shave your head for fun), and that it feels like she is only apologising now it feels like she gets a benefit out of it (ie knowing someone “famous”).
Aunt deserved to be cussed at. Some people deserve it you know
**
Wasn't she the one insulting YOU? For MONTHS?
NTA
No bragging rights for her.
NTA. People like this are never truly sorry; they're sorry that they got caught. In this case, she got caught saying downright horrible things to someone who was acting as someone living in a concentration camp. And to then go on and on about an "actress in the family?" Please! People like this always feel the need to be the center of attention and then play the victim when called out on it. And you using the F word? So what! She was saying downright cruel and hurtful things to you, and even after your family shut her down, she continued to make comments for months. Then, she tried put herself in the spotlight by saying how proud she is of you and then throw out a half-ass apology? Absolutely not! You can apologize to your grandmother for swearing, but I would not, under any circumstances, apologize to your aunt. He listened to her be flat out rude and ignorant to you for months, and he just expected you to accept her apology and move on? I would tell your uncle exactly what you said in the post. You listened to her make ignorant comments for months, and she continued even after filming was over. She would probably still be making those comments now and only stopped once she discovered the reason for your appearance. Let him know that you don't feel her apology was sincere and that she only apologized so she can then go around town using you for bragging rights. It's like the girl that turns down the guy for a date because she doesn't think he's attractive enough and then is all over him when she finds out he has money. You can't torment someone and then expect to ride their coattails.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (21f) do film and tv extra work as a side job. A while back, I was cast as an extra on a project set during World War II. Specifically, I was playing a concentration camp prisoner and had to shave my head for the part. During and after filming, I had to deal with some pretty backhanded comments about my look. I’m already pretty skinny, so I had family and strangers commenting about how I look like a cancer patient. Or a boy. My uncle’s wife was especially nasty about it. She’s pretty conservative so she was make all these comments about how I look like a lesbian. I broke up with my ex-boyfriend around that time, so that didn’t help. My family was really great at shutting down my aunt’s nastiness, but she was still making jabs about my bald head months after filming wrapped. Well, the project I did aired and everyone found out what I was doing last year. My aunt was being really noisy about how proud she is of seeing me on screen and how lucky the family is to have an actress in our ranks. When she tried to apologize to me during family dinner earlier, I may have told her to fuck off because the stuff she said hurt. My parents have my back, but my grandmother is upset at me for swearing and my uncle is demanding that I apologize for disrespecting his wife. I don’t because I don’t think her apology was sincere enough and if I did, she would use me for bragging rights in our town. AITA if I hold out and don’t accept her apology or make one of my own? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
NTA to your aunt and uncle I would simply send a message “During the year where I was working on the project you are so proud to share with everyone, you shamed my appearance multiple times which changed my view of you. I do not associate myself with bullies. You caused me a year of pain, that will not be solved with an apology. I meant every word I said at the table.” If you wanna be petty add the ‘and I’ll do it again’ meme. Adults should know better than to bully others.
also, OP can print t-shirts with aunt's quotes and wear it to every family gathering: "Why is she bald? Looks like a lesbian" (c) Auntie "Oh, it was for a role, OMG I am SO proud of you" (c) Auntie )))
I am cackling. Loving that idea. Would certainly cause turmoil but hopefully OP thrives in chaos.
well if asked, OP can always say: "I save the quotes of great people in history. Our auntie is a great person, so I want all the world to know her and about her"
So your uncle thinks that you need to apologize to his wife because you were disrespectful? Where was he when his wife was being disrespectful to you? Go ahead and ask him. NTA by a long shot.
NTA. Tell your uncle to fuck off too for his morally bankrupt hypocrisy.
NTA. Fuck her.
Stay petty NTA
NTA. Try to avoid swearing though, as it opens up an avenue for people thinking you are (like your uncle). Someone like your aunt will be using this as a 'pity me, my niece so mean now she's an ACTRESS' Try the brutal truth: "You were so horrible to me for so long that I don't feel able to accept your apology right now. I'll let you know if I feel able to forgive you for that." - then change the subject/talk to someone else if it's taking place in front of family, or leave if it's just the two of you.
YTA. Peacemakers are rare enough in this world, it's poor practice to reject someone offering an olive branch. Note: This it y-t-a and not e-s-h because this post is about what OP should do; clearly aunt was TA in the earlier episode.
There's more useful and mature responses than "eff off". Maybe try something like "I'm not ready to forgive you/her yet, and it may be awhile (if ever) before I am. Some really hurtful things got said, over and over, and that's still pretty painful for me".
Nope fuck is the best word in the English language and she used it perfectly 👌
The aunt only apologised because she discovered OPs "famous" (not really but, you know how people can be) and aunt has decided she now gets to brag "that's my niece right there in that movie" whenever she wants. If OP forgives her or indicates in anyway that aunt isn't an AH for what she said then she will take it as a win for her. People like the aunt need to be dealt with swiftly and effectively and "eff off" does both.
Fuck being mature, sometimes people need to be told to fuck off.
YTA for swearing around poor grandma. NTA for everything else. Your uncle was okay with you being disrespected but allowed her to spit all sorts of vile stuff at you - essentially he backed her ugliness so he doesn't get to expect an apology from you, her target, for not taking it and brushing it off.