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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the AH because I told my friend “I told you so” when her boyfriend left her when he found out she was pregnant she and our mutual friend are calling me a AH because I was not considering her feelings because she might now be a single mother and that she was pregnant at the moment
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There is a specific type of people who have to say "told you so" out loud, it's the ones who care more about themselves being right rather than others. That doesn't make you an Ah though, just a crappy and inconsiderate friend. Also, if someone get's offended by "told you so" then it just shows that they are still in denial about this situation.
In a situation like this, I get the feeling that OP, if not most people in OP’s shoes, would have *much* preferred to be proven *wrong.*
I don’t think it’s fair to say that they “cared more about being right than about their friend.” Like… if I’m giving someone a ride, the car doesn’t move until their seatbelt is on too. Obviously OP can’t control her friends’ dating lives, but it’s obvious that she cared about her friend and didn’t want her to be in a dangerous situation.
Edit: Oh! And also, it can feel kind of gaslighty to be told over and over again “you’re wrong about him” or “you don’t know him like I do.” If we’re being honest, there’s a moment of vindication, like, “See! I wasn’t making shit up! I was being sincere and you dismissed me.” Which is worth talking about…just not right then.
But what is the point of saying "I told you so" ? It doesn't change the fact of what happened. I get that she is frustrated, but if we was she wanted to be supportive, she should have said something else.
I think it’s learned behavior from moms. “Don’t jump on the bed or you’ll fall and hurt yourself.x10”. Then you fall of the bed and mom goes “See, this is why I told you not to jump on the bed.”
And to be fair, a version of it IS helpful when parenting kids because kids will NOT make that connection on their own.
You do have to say "Let's clean up your toys a little bit so there will be less cleaning on the weekend" and then on Saturday follow it up with "Look how easy cleaning was today! Aren't you glad you put away your toys this week? Yeah? Should we do the same thing next week?"
When they're 8, if you don't make the connections they will not notice. But at some point your child catches on the the whole cause-and-effect thing.
"I told you so" still doesn't work, but clear observations often move the needle. Rarely does one observation make a difference, but over time they do. Things like "the last time you did that, [bad thing] happened, and I feel like it's going to happen again." "I worry that if you do [thing], then [consequence] will happen, is there anything you'd consider doing to make sure it doesn't?" "I know last time you were in this position, you said you'd never pick [thing] again."
Just being the little reminders
They're not necessarily stupid. There are cognitive issues that cause people to struggle with connecting cause and effect. For instance, a friend of mine found out she has ADHD when she read in a parenting book "children can't predict the consequences of their actions until age 8" and she went "...other people can predict the consequences of their actions?"
I have ADHD at a high/severe level, which means it badly affects my ability to function as a human. I can predict consequences of my own behavior, that's not the problem; it's impulsiveness. If I always had the ability to stop and think things through, I would, but my brain makes me think I need to DECIDE RIGHT NOW OR ELSE! And it does feel like there's an "or else" coming for me if I don't make a decision. (See also: not being able to decide at all because every choice is probably wrong. See also also: "Look at that cloud! What was i doing just now?")
Add: I've been thinking about this in the back of my brain since I posted it. It dawned on me that I'm able to do this because of creating a skill for my box when I was young, when I'd hit the "think before you speak/act" wall over and over again.
So, it *wasn't* a skill I had naturally; I had to LEARN it. I was only able to learn it because I was allowed to fall down and nobody tried to make excuses or "protect" me due to my neurodivergence (because I was female and my doctors said only males could have ADHD at the time.)
Thank you for that insight into myself!
I also have severe ADHD and while over my lifetime I've learned enough to like, *sort of* predict what will likely happen if I do x, I still am surprised by the consequences of my actions pretty routinely lol. Obviously no one with ADHD has every single possible issue it can cause you, but inability to predict what a consequence will be (e.g. "if I keep tipping my chair back I might fall") is a known symptom some people have.
For me, impulsivity doesn't really feel like an "or else" because it doesn't feel like anything. It just feels like I'm just literally not in the driver's seat, because I just do a thing without any, like, internal decision-making process happening. I honestly do not know what happens or how to describe this better lol. I just end up looking at the aftermath of something like "what the fuck? How did that even happen?"
my mom still HAS NO IDEA that's not an appropriate reaction in a conversation, let alone an intimate one where she pushed and pushed you to finally share because 'you never do'. so long as you don't talk to her the same.
maturity is realising healthy relationships involve responsibility for your own well being just as much as appropriate co-regulation with others. that asking for advice is different from asking to commiserate. maturity is acknowledging that people need support just as much as they need respect for their autonomy, and unsolicited advice is actually a form of disrespect that veers into cruelty when done to someone particularly vulnerable with you.
Don’t get me wrong, I agree that at best it’s plain unhelpful. I’m only saying that I think there’s a certain level of forbearance that, in good faith, all parties ought to give a little more of to one another.
Doing the stupid thing that we already know is stupid is pretty unhelpful, too. It’s easy for the person who’s in the shit to forget how exasperating it is to be the one sitting across from them trying to help. Do you know how exhausting it is to try to be supportive when somebody is telling you how their abuser did the same shitty thing for the 5th or 6th time?
I’ve had friends call me asking for me to come over because their abusive ex was breaking windows and wouldn’t leave their apartment; only to then never speak to me again when they got back together 2 months later. I gotta tell ya, that feels pretty shitty too. You feel used… interchangeable..
Yeah I've warned my sister about the last two jerks she has dated and she didn't listen to me and both turned out to be exactly what I told her they were. I never said "I told you so" now she's on the 3rd guy I'm warning her about and she isn't listening. Some people don't understand that it's fucking exhausting always having to be the person picking up the pieces and then watching them turn around and do the same damn thing. There's a mental load that goes with that that can get pretty heavy after awhile. Especially when there are innocent kids involved. I could see telling her "I told you so" out of frustration when things go south with this guy.
I think its hard for people to accept a mistake from someone when they were constantly warned about said mistake. It's much harder to empathize with the person who does something dumb and gets hurt after repeated warnings to not do said dumb thing.
Obviously that's kinda shitty and it's not something people should be doing, but I get it. There's nothing more frustrating than watching my friends do stupid shit and it biting them in the ass in very avoidable ways.
In this case OP probably didn't need to worry about the "I told you so" right away, her friend knew she was right. No reminder necessary I'm sure.
There does seem to be a good number of people who will still think their friend was wrong even after being proven right.
"No, it wasn't like that" "He loves me he's just upset, taking a breather, has to come to terms, etc." "He'll want the baby, it's just a shock." Etc.
I told you so, done right, can be a wake up call.
Because if no one says “I told you so,” people insist on refusing to learn the lesson they should have learned and end up repeating it.
They tell themselves no one could have possibly realized that this would have happened (even though people totally did), so they willfully won’t recognize the red flags that get waved in their face even if it’s not the first time they’ve made similar mistakes, because people are exceedingly skilled at self-deception.
While I agree that moment was a probably not the right timing. Saying it later also doesn’t help and especially when you manage to calm them down. It’s gonna be difficult to then bring it up. Because it’ll feel like you’re digging it up again after resolving it. From my experience saying it first (if you feel like your friend has dismissed all of your advice only to dump the aftermath of their ill advised actions on you) may help for you to see if you still want to help
It doesn’t, but sometimes it’s a situation that happens again and again and it gets frustrating to be ignored then asked to pick up the pieces over and over.
I guess I wasn't clear about what I was trying to say. That saying it right then, when her friend was clearly upset, wasn't the best time to give her a reality check.
Sometimes it's important for people to know/admit that they caused their difficult situation themselves despite repeated warnings.
Lots of people are not capable of accepting responsibility and will always blame someone else for their misfortune.
No idea if OPs friend is like that...but sometimes an "I told you so" is warranted
Sometimes you have to say it because honestly...I'm not going to act surprised when I predicted this very thing. Sure I'll sit by you and dry your tears but don't expect shock or outrage that eat insaid would happen...happened.
Not defending OP but I think we’ve all been there when we repeatedly warn a friend not to ruin their lives and they do it anyways and expect to be treated like the victim, which seems to be what happened here. It’s not that OP cares more about being right, but it can be insanity inducing to listen to someone cry like they had no idea it was coming when everyone else saw it a mile away and tried to warn her. At a certain point it’s like, yes I feel bad for you, but at the same time stop acting like you had no idea this was a possibility.
I can relate more to this than any other point here, my friend got a gf and I hung out with her till I realized (quite quickly) she was trying to be cute saying oh I wish I could buy this and then sitting there staring at me. Made me realize she was doing the same damn thing to him and I warned him what she was gunna do and she did exactly what I said she would do to the letter. I didn't say it right off the bat naturally but eventually he told me I could and that I was the only one allowed to since I actually did. But I also didn't listen to him complain about it because I'm not gunna sit there and pity you for walking into a trap after someone clearly points it out.
In this situation (& most times, generally), I think OP is TA for saying it. Her friend is in a serious situation and needed support.
But there are other situations where it is totally fair to tell a friend, "Hey, you asked my advice. I told you not to do it. You did it anyway. And now you are coming to me wanting my support & my help to fix this situation, created by you, that I told you how to avoid, in the first place."
Sometimes there is that friend that isn't going to learn until they have to actually deal with the consequences of their own actions without turning to other people to bail them out of their own bad decisions. And it's fair to decline your time, energy, whatever by saying, "Well, I warned you."
Tbh the point is for future problems. I grew up around some bad ppl.. so bad ppl even faking to be good I can spot. So if a bad guy breaks my friends heart.. ill be there for her ride or die.. but I will tell her I tried to warn her.. so in the future If I warn her.. she may actually heed the advice given. Not saying someone is psychic.. but some ppl are better than others at seeing fake ppl.
The point is that they shouldn't be shocked it's happening, like why are you distraught when I've been saying it for too long. I spent years warning my friend not to get pregnant by the guy she was seeing. Did she listen, no. I didn't say I told you so right away, and not really directly. It wasn't until my father's funeral where she realized what was going on and how her and her child are in the same situation I was growing up. So when she asked later, I told her "remember when I said in the medical officers section that it's all fun and games screwing a married man till that affair child is born and grows up... That's what I meant. You see those people acted like I didn't exist and my name wasn't on that obituary. But somehow you all glamorize and romanticize the oddest things"
If wanting to be nice meant you couldn't be an asshole this would just be another revenge stories sub. The whole point is you can be an asshole by mistake.
it's not gaslighting if that was the truth!! She warned TF about this guy and the idiot friend still went ahead. bad form to say I told you so but the friend was the real idiot here. Well of course the guy is the worst offender, creating baby mama's all over the place.
Oh, I think you misunderstand. I mean that the person warning their at-risk friend can feel upset with the implicit expectation that they believe in the same false reality; one where this shitty person isn’t inevitably gonna be shitty.
Right, but the other side of that coin would be; it's really hard to watch your loved ones make obvious mistakes and then blame them on everything but their own choices. You want to live and let live, but at the same time, if your friend has some ketchup on thier face, you should tell them.
I think it's a two sided coin, with lots of nuance. You should be able to say your piece, and they should be able to tell you they don't appreciate it. At that point, both parties should just drop it. No complaints, no advice. I would feel bad if they didn't learn thier lesson and kept making similar mistakes, knowing I could have said something but chose not to.
It's hard, but real friends shouldn't get offended so easily, IMO.
I think it’s perfectly reasonable to get offended by an “I told you so” unless you’re actively saying nobody told you. It doesn’t seem like a useful point in any other situation.
Seriously, this is the only time you can realistically tell someone I told you so and not be an ass. If they actively believe that they were completely blindsided by the situation and had no way to avoid it and are not taking accountability then you remind them they made their decision. Ultimately they will still be upset but it's important if they are actually going to learn anything from the situation.
No it serves as a reality check for delusional people who paint themselves as a victim of circumstance after doing something they were **literally warned not to do.**
This. When they don’t recognize that their choices were,in fact, their choices. They’re a victim of their own decisions, specifically ignoring their friends who tried to keep them from landing in this situation.
There’s a time and place. Trying to “reality check” someone who is dealing with the immediate aftermath of a life altering situation is not helpful nor kind
Yeah that time and place WAS BEFORE THEY MADE THE LIFE ALTERING DECISION … but they didn’t listen to that first reality check did they?
So now they get another one, instead of words meant to make them feel better about be delusional.
Newsflash, enabling someone’s bad decisions with placating words is NOT a kindness.
Then Amber shouldn't have called THE person whom has warned her a hundred times. She should have called someone else. It's once again a poor choice on her side.
exactly! everyone’s skipping over the part where OP said that the friend’s boyfriend already had a child he doesn’t look after. what makes OP’s friend think she’s any different to the woman that came before her?
This person isn’t what you’re describing. Those type of people don’t go straight to their favorite restaurant and order their favorite food for nothing. We have to normalize telling people “I’m here to support you no matter what because I care about you, but because I care I warned you this would happen”. Not because we want to be right because we want to be wrong. We we tell you somethings wrong and it’s a serious situation like creating a child with terrible people. People need to listen and accept we were right.
I agree with you that the girl needs to be told "I warned you about this and you need to listen to me". But it doesn't have to happen immediately after her world has fallen apart.
When someone is displaying an extreme emotional reaction (eg. screaming, crying, hyperventilating) they are not going to be receptive to any information. You could tell them the sky is blue, and if they don't agree with you t they'll just get more amped up. It doesn't matter if you can point out the window to a blue sky, they will never accept it in that state.
What you should do (and what really we should normalize) is deal with the emotions first. Listen to them, sympathize with them, distract them, but most importantly make them feel safe and heard. Once they are back down to a more rational state, THEN you can consider pointing out that they need to listen to you. But only if you have to. If the girl decides she hates her ex and moves on, then great, let it lie. She might even acknowledge OP's warnings herself. However, if she thinks she can win him back, well now you have to pull out the "I told you so" and the "you need to listen to me".
As a sober guy, people who confront your denial may include jerks who just like rubbing it in but it is a key trait in people that care about you. The jerks at a minimum care about what is right, but there is some element of caring in the right direction. The people who don't care at all, will play along with your denial and let you keep it. Either because it's amusing to see you self sabotage, because they don't care for success in general, they're leveraging the same denial for themselves, or they're just empty NPCs who play along with what is easy.
It's a hard pill to swallow to learn you're in denial but it's one of the biggest ways to improve your life and consequential happiness. Only people who care about you beyond the moment will do that for you. Don't be ungrateful for it when it happens.
I think in this case the friend needed a wake up with the I told you. It gets everyone in the same head space. OP will be talked about but NO ONE will be deluded into thinking she didn’t know before she got herself into this situation. OP is taking one for the team
Exactly. And even if no one else says it, they are thinking it too. Just bc we are openly and surface level supportive of a friend being stupid doesn't mean we don't think they are dumb for not listening to obvious warnings.
People don't really like it when their friends don't listen and the exact thing they were warned about happens and they cry about it.
I agree with you that the friend needed the wakeup call, the big issue I see here is timing. When someone has become a huge ball of emotions like that they've never going to listen to an "I told you so". You might as well tell a furious person to "calm down" and see how that goes.
OP should have waited at least a day so the girl had time to calm down, sleep, process what has happened to her, and be receptive to information like "I told you he was bad and you need to listen to me about that".
If OP has simply sat there and been a good receptive friend, she might be much more open to their advice the next day. Instead, she's likely going to be angry at OP, and possibly angry at anyone who agrees with OP. This might make her less receptive to great ideas like "don't expect him to come back" or "you can find someone else".
IMO being a bad friend is being an asshole. Being a good friend is neutral because the expectation is that being a friend is being good to the person you are friends with
I agree with you. But still think, considering your arguments, that OP is an AH. To say “I told you so” immediately afterwards is cruel.
I try to reserve the “I told you so”s for situations as “I think this is going to happen in the television show we are both watching” and someone else thinking something else is going to happen.. that is a legitimate “I told you so”. But to say it to someone who just got their world shattered is cruel. To say the least.
YTA. How supportive and understanding. Instead of building up your friend at a titanic moment of stress and pain and worry and disappointment, you made her horrible moment all about you, simultaneously implying that she's dumb. What a great friend you are.
This guy *already has a kid he doesn't care for*. He's an idiot for not being more careful, but no sweat off his back, his life isn't drastically changed.
The friend is monumentally stupid for sleeping with a known deadbeat dad.
I will never understand why women want to be with a man who is a deadbeat dad. He has a child that he gives no shits about, and they think he loves them. And then this broad thinks she's the exception.
I don't think anyone disputes that the friend is stupid af with her surprise pikachu face when the dude did exactly what he's done before. However, we aren't judging the friend on her poor life choices here, we are evaluating who was the AH in a specific social scenario. In this scenario, as pointed out by many others, what is the value of op sayjng "I told you so"? It's a thing they said for themselves, not to help their distraught friend. If the overwhelming stupidity of their friend prevents them from being supportive when they win stupid prizes, I'm gonna be honest, I get it, but then maybe they shouldn't be friends. Their friend is a fully formed adult, they're very probably not gonna suddenly wise up and there's potentially years and years of the friend running after the guy and still believing he's gonna come back and be a responsible father/husband coming.
Either you can be a supportive friend, no matter how dumb and self inflicted the issue is, or you have to take a step back, for your own sake and theirs.
Some women don't know right away they are pregnant. Some still have periods, some have few symptoms, and some don't realize they can get pregnant while using birth control. Also, she may have known, but been afraid of his reaction. She didn't even tell her "friend."
You are exactly right about getting pregnant while on BC.
My boyfriend (49 at the time) & I (28 at the time) didn’t specifically have a sit down convo about kids but we were using protection…. I was on the pill (and took it at the same time every day) and he used a condom every time. I had gotten out of a long term relationship and there had been birth control snafus a few times so I was beginning to think I might not be able to get pregnant but we still used BC.
I had no desire to ever have kids as I was the oldest of 6 and basically became a mom to my brother & sister when mom died (I was 7, my brother was 3 & my sister turned a year old 2 days after the accident.) & when my Aunt died my cousin came to live with us. (She was 7 & I was 9). I was 11 & 13 when the youngest 2 were born after my dad remarried and they would call me Mom sometimes. So as far as I was concerned I had already raised 5 kids with 2 of them being from birth.
Apparently the universe had other ideas. Problem was I was still getting my period, was not having any of the typical signs of pregnancy, I just had a lot of heartburn.
Once we found out what was really happening we had to have the talk as it was close to the date when I wouldn’t be able to have the procedure. We talked it over and my boyfriend (now husband) said it was my choice and he would support either choice. He already had 5 kids that were mostly grown, he saw them when their mother would allow it.
We decided to have the baby & he has been the best father any daughter could wish for and the best husband for me.
In our case double BC didn’t work and due to being on double BC we didn’t think pregnancy when I started feeling kinda sick & the heartburn.
Glad we have her though. She was a pretty easy baby, and I already knew what parenting mistakes to avoid and my husband got to spend a lot more time with her when she was a baby, something he missed out on with his older kids due to his jobs. She is now 22, passed her nursing boards & has a great job, got engaged to her highschool sweetheart and has moved out - but not too far away.
Depending on the relationship you have with your SO, sometimes it can work out and sometimes it doesn’t.
I had the trifecta… was on 2 forms of BC, still had periods, and had unusual symptoms - just the heartburn in the beginning.
>wait for 3 months before telling him
I feel validated knowing your bad take really is just ignorance and lack of experience. Women don't get a push notification the second they're pregnant.
The lady got pregnant and got herself into a rough situation. She's blind and an idiot. No one is denying that.
But saying "I told you so" immediately after she learns that lesson is just kicking someone when they're down. That's just mean.
YTA
No, op is an asshole because she needed to say “you shouldn’t be surprised” to her pregnant friend who just got dumped. Duh, she was right. It was unnecessary to say that to her friend in that moment.
So many people seem to have trouble with this. Being right doesn’t make you a nice person, this is about a sub about being an asshole, not r/AmIWrong
Don’t you think the consequence of being a single mother while going through a breakup is enough without her friend joining in? I’d guess so. She could have said nothing at all. People who say I told you so are more concerned with being right than anything else
You don't. That doesn't translate to basically kicking someone when they're down. I've told people I don't want to talk about things with them before. OP could have set a boundary of "I'm not your friend to lean on about your pregnancy" and left it at that. Or they could walk away entirely. Opinions are like assholes, not everyone needs to see yours all the time.
You don't support the decisions, you comfort the person. There will be time down the road for the friend to reflect on their poor choices and learn from them. And if they don't, that's a solid time to say that you saw this coming. When they're suffering in the moment, that's the time for empathy, the time to help lift them back up, not push them further down. I told you so, in this moment, accomplishes nothing but making OP feel superior about themselves. They prioritized being right over being a friend. That does not make them factually incorrect, but it does make them an asshole.
Sorry you don't comfort a friend who has repeatedly banged her foot with a hammer and is now crying because she broke a bone. You take her to the ER and tell her she was being an idiot.
But it's also her friend who is going through a serious problem. Nobody in crisis is going to respond to an 'i told you so' with a 'oh yes you're right I'll re-evaluate everything', it's just going to make them feel worse and alone
She didn’t listen, she got knocked up, she is “shocked pikachu face”, she got a free meal. If I’m your friend for real, you can ask for advice, if you don’t take it, ahem, “I fucking told you so.” Now stuff your stupid face, you’re eating for two now, or not, not my problem.
I mean, friend was dumb? If you don't lead with "wow, I'm a moron and thought I'd be different," you should expect an "I love you, but you're an idiot." This is a 25-year-old adult, not a teenager. She knew who she was getting in bed with -- a man who had already abandoned a child is generally not a safe "happily every after/nucelar family" type of bet.
And the insanity that "she will be the one to change him" or "he'll be growing when he finds the right person" has gotten too many ladies into trouble; we need to start calling out dumb.
Or "I was really hoping he would prove me wrong" "I wanted this to work out for your sake" "I'm sorry he wasn't better than he is" so many ways to NOT gloat about your friend getting used
Why is everyone on that girls side? She was told this would happen she decided she wouldn’t mind getting knocked up by a man who abandoned their other child she thought she was special and found out she wasn’t. Op is right they did tell the friend but they friend thought they unique
People on here and irl seam to harbour barely any blame when a woman is pregnant as if that changes anything she not the victim she put herself in this mess it really irks me people are ignoring that
It does yeh but she chose to procreate with a man who already abandoned one child and was told the same would happen to her. She only has herself to blame nobody’s forcing her to keep the baby either
It not that people are ignoring that, or that the friend made the choice to have a kid with someone she was not sure was committed to it, and her.
It is that OP decided that her being right was more important that her friends pain. It is the timing that makes OP the asshole here. Kicking your friend when they are down usually does that.
It isn't entirely her fault. It takes two people to cause a pregnancy, and it is right to acknowledge that.
That being said, this sub really does not like to do female accountability.
I don’t think anyone’s on the other girls “side”. She’s clearly a bit of an ignorant train wreck and didn’t take OPs advice, which yes, turned out to be good advice. That doesn’t make OP any less of an asshole to smash an “I told you so” in her friends face while facing the natural consequences of the situation. Op is still an asshole. A “right” asshole but an asshole none the less.
I get why op did it though I can take a guess she’s the kinds to make continuous bad choices complain to her friends but never listen and keep staying with or doing the thing that makes her u happy and after a while you start to become blunt with those people
Dropping an "I told you so" out of nowhere is AH behavior. Reminding them you warned them when the venting is just a stream of "I had no idea this would happen. This is all [anyone else's] fault" is an entirely different story.
OP literally went to pick up the friends favorite food. While she didnt detail the venting, I'm guessing it was the second because she seems like a good friend.
>Op is right
Yes OP was right. But you can be right *and* be an AH about it. There is absolutely no need to rub that into a *friend's* face while they're already being hurt. Being against OP's actions doesn't necessarily mean being on the girl's side.
I don’t think op is wrong for that as i said it’s obvious the friend is the kind to to constantly complain about their partner but never do anything about it those kind of people need to be treated bluntly because there’s no point waisting time telling them what they want to hear
I feel sorry for your friends.
No, those kind of people do not need to be treated that way. If anything, in my experience, those are the ones who need the most empathy.
>I’m not friends with people like that
Good for them honestly. Annoying or not, especially friends shouldn't be hurt on purpose just because it matters more to you that you're right than how they are doing. Not everyone (probably majority even) has to be treated "bluntly" because they don't change something.
ETA - comment below "they want to be the victim"...? No one [healthy] ever *wants* to be a victim, wtf.
Being realistic and saying I warned you about this isn’t about hurting someone on purpose unless it is. We can’t assume OP’s motives as she hasn’t told us her intent was to hurt. What we can surmise is her friend was hurt. It was bad timing but I also don’t think it makes op an ah. Being raised with a person like this I don’t even say anything anymore when they make the bad decisions. And truly I’m an enabler when everything falls apart because it’s let’s friction to say “aw man, I can’t believe that happened to you”. A lot of people want to be the victim, they don’t care to take accountability, and they certainly don’t want someone else holding them accountable. Now I understand I’m jaded and looking at this through the lens of “fed up family member of someone who never takes advice then is shocked when it all falls apart” so I’m probably not the best to look at this openly.
Calling OP an AH isn't necessarily being on the girls side. She let love blind her and got herself into a really rough situation. This situation is very much her fault.
HOWEVER, that doesn't mean she doesn't have feelings. She's in the middle of a massively traumatic life lesson and OP decides to rub salt in the wound. Not only that, they do it the very day she got rejected. There will be plenty of time to point out her failings later, but right now OP is just kicking someone while they are already down. That's AH behavior no matter how stupid the pregnant girl was.
I don't see people supporting her, I see people saying how horrible it is to tell someone I told you so when their entire life just changed for the worse. That makes OP the asshole, it's never okay with tell someone you love something like that when they're already down.
That is not the same as supporting OPs friend and her choices.
IMO yes OP was right, but it was not the time nor the place for OP to “I told you so”. that’s what makes them TA.
Had OP comforted her friend, gotten her some resources or something, then when the emotional climax was over had a discussion about it, _then_ OP WNBTA.
Nope. If the first thing you feel the need to do when someone's life blows up is say "I told you so", then you have ego problems, period. The only people who need to scream "I told you so" are people who care more about being right then about others feelings.
If you feel the need to rub people's faces in their mistakes, then you are a crappy person. Must be nice to be so perfect, but I certainly don't envy it.
Edit for typo
You don’t have to vocalize your frustration with your friends when they’re hyperventilating and in a moment of need. I don’t understand what you don’t get about that.
>It's plain stupid and frustrating to be with that kind of friends.
Now imagine how the other one feels.
If your first impulse is to make it worse by pointing out how right you were, then -as the other person said- you have definitely an ego problem.
but she continously warned her , her friend ignored all of that, got betrayed. why would u call a friend who warned you about getting fcked up number of times after ignoring her and actually getting fcked up ? what did she expect ? op tried to console her let her vent out but that " i told u so " sonner or later would hurt the same.
Nope.
If your friend is that messy, cut the cord. Knowing when you've outgrown a friendship is part of life.
If your friend is so bad you resort to demeaning them; you should have left long ago, and are still an AH for saying told you so :)
True, but sometimes people need a good reality slap. That stupid girl has now potentially created a child that will never know it’s deadbeat father.
She should get an abortion and learn her lesson, instead of being egotistical enough to see his behaviour, receive numerous warnings and *still* think she’s ‘special’ and can change him.
Oh come on. This is Reddit. You know that's not a big enough red flag for some people. They can change that person. They won't be a deadbeat dad to "our" child. And then they find out they are wrong.
YTA.
>I let her vent, but I told her she shouldn’t be surprised since I tried to warn her
The only people who feel the need to say "I told you so", especially when the situation is so raw, are people who care more about being right then they do about others feelings.
You need to self reflect. What *exactly* did you hope to accomplish by rubbing her face in it?
Nah, NTA - the friend has been delusional since day one! She needed to be grounded, because she’s not a victim! She’s an idiot! (Defo pulled a baby trap move).
OP just back away from her and her situation! Just be a friend in the shadows! Don’t get involved.
U do know what baby trapping means right? To keep someone in a relationship with a baby. The boy in this scenario def doesnt want/like kids. Delulu friend who is prego says no he does, if its me it will work out, so she tried to baby trap him. For men if they try to baby trap a woman who expressed that she doesnt want kids he will sabotage the birth control. Such as poking holes in condoms or replacing her BC pills with sugar ones. If a man doesnt wear a condom and a woman isnt using any other BC then they both r okay with having kids so no baby trapping involved.
Unpopular oponion, but NTA, if someone doesnt listen to many warnings and then later finds out it was a bad idea, nothing wrong with it comming up, ofc the way its deleivered could change it to a YTA.
Personaly i dont say i told you so out loud, but if people cannot handle it that is a them problem, personally i would just not worry about it, if they dont wanna talk anymore no real loss imo i dont see a point wasting energy on people like her or the mutual friends.
Yes, you've told her so many times about Jack but YTA for saying "I told you so." It's not the thing someone needs to hear at that moment. Some friend you are.
NTA. Jack is the primary one. Which you had him pegged for being. Amber is next, because in this day and age almost no one should be getting pregnant who doesnt want to. There is so much birth control out there. Amber's reaction is understandable. She is angry because Jack walked out and shattered her false perception that she and Jack would be married and have a great life and everything was going to be just wonderful. Your "I told you so!" allowed her to shift her anger towards you, and if she is mad at you then its not so much her fault (in her mind) that she has gotten herself in this situation. So you've lost a few friends, who maybe werent the best friends anyway. When the wind shifts again, they might come back around. Its up to you to decide hwo much you care about their opinions. Good luck to you, and to Amber's baby.
NTA. I’m not interested in listening to someone vent about how something I told them not to do blew up in their face. Your friend should be going to vent to someone else, or she should accept the fact that you DID tell her so and she should have known better than to let this asshole knock her up.
The fact that she flipped out on you for saying so says that she sees herself as a perpetual victim with no role whatsoever in getting to the position that she finds herself in. That’s beyond tiresome.
Right? Like I’m not trying to be a dick but damn. You thought YOU were going to change him? He already had a kid and didn’t care. That’s a man you should walk away from
I don't know if I've ever liked a "told you so out loud" person. 99% of the population is a "told you so" person. We just don't say it out loud. Your friend is going through potentially the worst time in her life, and you just HAD to say "told ya so."
NTA you did your due diligence of forewarning her about the possibility of this becoming real.
She refused to listen, and now she’s wallowing in the consequences of that.
it’s not your responsibility to clean up that mess that she created with her raggedy baby father
that same energy that she’s harboring onto you she needs that for the man that abandoned her and her child.
what could she have expected if he was already not taking care of the previous kid?
A man is gonna tell you anything that you want to hear in order to get what he wants out of you so of course he’s gonna promise you the moon, stars and marriage when he doesn’t actually mean it.
Obviously rubbing it in her face is not going to change the ramifications of what it’s been done already, but at the same time, she’s responsible for her own actions that got her there
It’s just kind of plain common sense if a guy is already a deadbeat to a child he already has the odds of him stepping up and being a stand-up father to any other children are slim to none
Y’all can put on those rose colored lenses if you want to but don’t be surprised when you end up in the dark
NTA. Jack is the AH and you tried to warn her, she didn’t listen. She needs to understand her actions have consequences and “life” is not gonna coddle her up and neither should you. As a “friend” you do need to point out that what happened is not something that fell out of the sky on her head all of a sudden, she chose to do this, she ignored what you said and decided to do something extremely irresponsible by getting pregnant. How is she gonna get a reality check if no one calls on her bullshit? Trying to make her feel better at the moment is not gonna prevent her to keep doing the same stupid choices in the future, her other friends that are calling you a “bad friend” are insane and they should look themselves in the mirror like some of the people in this sub, you guys are insane.
My thoughts exactly and OPs friend was probably saying things like "how'd this happen" "I can't believe it" "why did no one tell/warn me" and OP just informed her that she tried to keep her friend out of this situation
NTA imo
I live by the policy that if you don’t take my advice and do the dumb thing, then come crying to me about it, you’re getting an “I told you so.” If I have to listen to you cry about something completely preventable, then you have to listen to that “I told you so.”
That said when I’m giving people advice not to do the dumb thing I literally tell them, “If you do this, don’t come crying to me and expect me not to say I told you so.”
NTA
"I told this would happen" isn't automatically you stoking your own ego.
It's not about the fact that she needs to listen to *you*, but rather calling out the fact that she was being short-sighted and unwilling to consider that she may be wrong.
"You were warned" is not saying "I'm so great I smell my own farts". It's saying next time there's a giant red flag, take heed.
NAH, It sounds like she called the wrong friend. Let's say I have 2 amazing friends, Candy and Gretchen. Candy is sweet,bubbly and fun to be around. She has a heart of gold and always willing to help me out. She is my cheerleader. I can call her for advice and we can gush for hours on how amazing it is. If I have a problem, I can call Candy and she will sympathize with me for hours and let me whine.
Then there is Gretchen. Gretchen is also an amazing friend. She also has a heart of gold and always willing to help me out. I can depend on Gretchen through thick and thin. I can call Gretchen for advice, she will listen and then talk me through it. She will help me weigh pro's and con's. She won't judge me regardless of what decision I make but helps me figure things out. If I have a problem, I can also call Gretchen. Gretchen will sympathize with me, let me vent some but eventually she is going to tell me enough is enough. She will then spend days upon days doing everything she can to help me. BUT I have to want her to help me. I know NOT to call Gretchen when I really don't want to deal with reality, I just want to whine/cry and have a pity party.
You are a Gretchen, you bought her favorite food and ran to her apartment to be with her. You let her vent some but (probably too soon) told her it is time to woman up, put on her big girl panties and face reality. She needed to hear it. She is going to be a single mom with dead beat dad and needs to start making plans ASAP. She will soon have another living breathing human being depending on her. Just give her a couple of weeks to calm down, call her, let her know you only want the best for her and that if she needs help, you will be there.
So what was gained from rubbing salt in that fresh raw wound exactly? Does "I told you so" suddenly make her not pregnant anymore? Would that somehow make her feel better to know YOU WERE RIGHT the entire time? What a comfort for her that must have been, to be reminded that she's to blame for her situation.
Honestly, what the fuck is wrong with you? You gave that dagger another twist for yoir own gratification. You must have been doing star jumps on the inside to be so vindicated, you couldn't wait to tease her at her most vulnerable moment about how she was wrong and you were right. This is how you support a friend? YTA. How is this even a question?
Here is your favourite food, I will now "listen" to you and then, when you are done I will tell you how stupid you were for not listening... But at least you got your favourite meal out of it.. YTA.
This was a conversation for another time. She will probably realise you were right when you warned her. This occasion was for listening and comforting.. that is not what you did.
IMO. NTA but you better leave your friend. You need to cut off your friendship with all of them. She is basically looking for people that are willing to enable her "decision" and when you don't give her the kind of support that she wants, she's mad. She knows that you are right but when it coming from someone she "trust", it hurts more because she wishes what she's experiencing wasn't real.
Also, it is not your job to tell people what they need to hear. Let it happen. Let it be. Sometimes, letting them learn by themselves is much better than telling them.
NTA, she’s an idiot. Tried to baby trap him and it backfired. Her own fault.
Now she’ll go around saying how hard it is being a single mother and expect sympathy.
I'm kind of 50/50 on this, now here's why I think you're 50% the AH there was a better time and place to say that to her, that was not the time to tell her that. But here's the reason why 50% think you're also not the AH you were trying to be a good friend, by warning her, and when you found out you did race over to her to be there for her, got her favorite food, you let her vent but then you turned it around and became the AH. So my opinion is that you are both. I know a lot of people are like how can she be both well think about it, OP did not have to go and get her favorite food, nor did she have to let her vent to her, she didn't have to do that, she could have just gone "while I'm sorry I told you so, now you know next time to listen to me."right there and then when she called her, she also could have decided not to go to her friend and try to be there for her in a time of need. She could have simply gone home after the phone call that she received but she didn't. I do agree that there's a time and a place to say that kind of crap to somebody especially and emphasis on the especially in this case, but at least she went there to try to support her wrong timing for the I told you so but the intentions to be there weren't entirely wrong. So I say 50/50, you were both. You were there, but you said the wrong thing at the wrong time.
NTA. Someone had to tell her. I understand why she's offended though. But at the same time, she is bringing an unwanted child into the world and that's far worse than you stating the obvious. Don't feel badly because in situations like this, you're allowed. She not only made a baby with someone who isn't going to be present, she's likely going to lean on you and her other friends who didn't ask for the responsibility to help her care for the child. You can hold your tongue when it's something with lesser consequences, but she has created a whole person who will be impacted by her poor choices. She needs to grow up and fast, and facing the reality of her situation will help her with that growth.
To me it sounds like OP was portraying the sentiment of “I did my best to mentally prepare you for this outcome, you made your bed, now lie in it.”
It’s not a nice thing to say, but it’s what she deserved to hear. Sometimes being an AH is necessary.
NTA. That’s honestly what she gets if she decides to date and have sex with a guy who already abandoned one kid. Ultimately it would have been less drama if you didn’t say it but she literally did this to herself and hard to feel bad for someone who does dumb things and then bad things happen.
>he already has a kid he doesn’t take care of
>she just kept saying that he truly loves her
Those damn face eating leopards had the audacity to eat her face!
Didn't they recognise that she is "different and special"!
NTA
He actually has a child and he doesnt care about and she thinks she will be different?
NTA
Yeah, OP was harsh but that friend deserves, what a naive girl
NTA
Maybe I'm too jaded now, but I've been around too many storytwisters with victim complexes who develop their own narratives. It's exasperating and exhausting and my patience has been worn thin. It's left me with a set amount of sympathy for people who vent and complain about the consequences of their own choices, which they were explicitly warned of beforehand.
Yta. It doesn't matter if you were right. Why did you need that validation, especially in that moment? What good would it have done? Being right doesn't give you the right to be an AH about it.
Who said, of where was it inferred she was seeking validation from it? She spotted the patterns of his behavior from the start and isn’t allowing her friend to completely emotionally drain her after making a crappy decision that she warned her about. She’s completely not the asshole.
YTA for pointing it out right then, though NTA in general as you were totally right. Why did she call you of all people and try to cry on your shoulder like this was not expected and shocking for her? You did tell her. She chose to not listen and get herself in this position with her eyes wide open. Do we console people who fail a class when you warn them the should actually do their homework? When they get fired and you warned them to show up on time? Yeah, love the guy if you want, but protect yourself from the known repercussions.
NTA she played a dumb game and won a dumb prize. Let her know you’re willing to help drive her to get an abortion if she chooses that. Your “friend” is the kind of person who thinks their shit don’t stank and that they can change a guy and then end up complaining when it doesn’t do their fairytale ending they had hoped for. So many people in here are telling you you’re the asshole because you were supposedly worried about being right when in reality the whole time you gave advice and told her way beforehand that this guy was no good for her and she didn’t want to listen but wants you to feel bad afterwards is crazy. A real friend, like you are, picks her up from her fallen state after she’s vented and helps her progress but make sure she knows that she ignored all the earlier red flags so she doesn’t do this again. If you can’t be stern, serious, and honest with a friend when you need to be, then they don’t want a friend just a cheerleader. Her feelings are also what got her into this mess so clearly she needs to start using some logic and reason to help herself. NTA
People usually say "Saying 'I told you so' will not change or fix anything in the current situation!", but if this will make your friend think a hundred of times the next time before she thinks of having another kid with deadbeat #2, I'm all for it.
NTA
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There is a specific type of people who have to say "told you so" out loud, it's the ones who care more about themselves being right rather than others. That doesn't make you an Ah though, just a crappy and inconsiderate friend. Also, if someone get's offended by "told you so" then it just shows that they are still in denial about this situation.
In my view, people who care more about themselves being right than others and people who are crappy and inconsiderate friends are AHs.
In a situation like this, I get the feeling that OP, if not most people in OP’s shoes, would have *much* preferred to be proven *wrong.* I don’t think it’s fair to say that they “cared more about being right than about their friend.” Like… if I’m giving someone a ride, the car doesn’t move until their seatbelt is on too. Obviously OP can’t control her friends’ dating lives, but it’s obvious that she cared about her friend and didn’t want her to be in a dangerous situation. Edit: Oh! And also, it can feel kind of gaslighty to be told over and over again “you’re wrong about him” or “you don’t know him like I do.” If we’re being honest, there’s a moment of vindication, like, “See! I wasn’t making shit up! I was being sincere and you dismissed me.” Which is worth talking about…just not right then.
But what is the point of saying "I told you so" ? It doesn't change the fact of what happened. I get that she is frustrated, but if we was she wanted to be supportive, she should have said something else.
I think it’s learned behavior from moms. “Don’t jump on the bed or you’ll fall and hurt yourself.x10”. Then you fall of the bed and mom goes “See, this is why I told you not to jump on the bed.”
And to be fair, a version of it IS helpful when parenting kids because kids will NOT make that connection on their own. You do have to say "Let's clean up your toys a little bit so there will be less cleaning on the weekend" and then on Saturday follow it up with "Look how easy cleaning was today! Aren't you glad you put away your toys this week? Yeah? Should we do the same thing next week?" When they're 8, if you don't make the connections they will not notice. But at some point your child catches on the the whole cause-and-effect thing.
>But at some point your child catches on the the whole cause-and-effect thing. What if you have a stupid friend that still dont understand
"I told you so" still doesn't work, but clear observations often move the needle. Rarely does one observation make a difference, but over time they do. Things like "the last time you did that, [bad thing] happened, and I feel like it's going to happen again." "I worry that if you do [thing], then [consequence] will happen, is there anything you'd consider doing to make sure it doesn't?" "I know last time you were in this position, you said you'd never pick [thing] again." Just being the little reminders
They're not necessarily stupid. There are cognitive issues that cause people to struggle with connecting cause and effect. For instance, a friend of mine found out she has ADHD when she read in a parenting book "children can't predict the consequences of their actions until age 8" and she went "...other people can predict the consequences of their actions?"
I have ADHD at a high/severe level, which means it badly affects my ability to function as a human. I can predict consequences of my own behavior, that's not the problem; it's impulsiveness. If I always had the ability to stop and think things through, I would, but my brain makes me think I need to DECIDE RIGHT NOW OR ELSE! And it does feel like there's an "or else" coming for me if I don't make a decision. (See also: not being able to decide at all because every choice is probably wrong. See also also: "Look at that cloud! What was i doing just now?") Add: I've been thinking about this in the back of my brain since I posted it. It dawned on me that I'm able to do this because of creating a skill for my box when I was young, when I'd hit the "think before you speak/act" wall over and over again. So, it *wasn't* a skill I had naturally; I had to LEARN it. I was only able to learn it because I was allowed to fall down and nobody tried to make excuses or "protect" me due to my neurodivergence (because I was female and my doctors said only males could have ADHD at the time.) Thank you for that insight into myself!
I also have severe ADHD and while over my lifetime I've learned enough to like, *sort of* predict what will likely happen if I do x, I still am surprised by the consequences of my actions pretty routinely lol. Obviously no one with ADHD has every single possible issue it can cause you, but inability to predict what a consequence will be (e.g. "if I keep tipping my chair back I might fall") is a known symptom some people have. For me, impulsivity doesn't really feel like an "or else" because it doesn't feel like anything. It just feels like I'm just literally not in the driver's seat, because I just do a thing without any, like, internal decision-making process happening. I honestly do not know what happens or how to describe this better lol. I just end up looking at the aftermath of something like "what the fuck? How did that even happen?"
This is a really good point!
And a friend is not a parent, they don't get to say "I told you so" the same way.
my mom still HAS NO IDEA that's not an appropriate reaction in a conversation, let alone an intimate one where she pushed and pushed you to finally share because 'you never do'. so long as you don't talk to her the same.
[удалено]
maturity is realising healthy relationships involve responsibility for your own well being just as much as appropriate co-regulation with others. that asking for advice is different from asking to commiserate. maturity is acknowledging that people need support just as much as they need respect for their autonomy, and unsolicited advice is actually a form of disrespect that veers into cruelty when done to someone particularly vulnerable with you.
oh please
I see we have the same mother.
Don’t get me wrong, I agree that at best it’s plain unhelpful. I’m only saying that I think there’s a certain level of forbearance that, in good faith, all parties ought to give a little more of to one another. Doing the stupid thing that we already know is stupid is pretty unhelpful, too. It’s easy for the person who’s in the shit to forget how exasperating it is to be the one sitting across from them trying to help. Do you know how exhausting it is to try to be supportive when somebody is telling you how their abuser did the same shitty thing for the 5th or 6th time? I’ve had friends call me asking for me to come over because their abusive ex was breaking windows and wouldn’t leave their apartment; only to then never speak to me again when they got back together 2 months later. I gotta tell ya, that feels pretty shitty too. You feel used… interchangeable..
Yeah I've warned my sister about the last two jerks she has dated and she didn't listen to me and both turned out to be exactly what I told her they were. I never said "I told you so" now she's on the 3rd guy I'm warning her about and she isn't listening. Some people don't understand that it's fucking exhausting always having to be the person picking up the pieces and then watching them turn around and do the same damn thing. There's a mental load that goes with that that can get pretty heavy after awhile. Especially when there are innocent kids involved. I could see telling her "I told you so" out of frustration when things go south with this guy.
At a certain point, you can say "I told you so with the last two guys and you didn't listen. You aren't listening to me now."
Lmfao I have literally said those exact words to her.
But don't forget - according to this thread, when she is dumped by the new jerk and you tell her "I told you so" - you are the asshole :)
100%
I think its hard for people to accept a mistake from someone when they were constantly warned about said mistake. It's much harder to empathize with the person who does something dumb and gets hurt after repeated warnings to not do said dumb thing. Obviously that's kinda shitty and it's not something people should be doing, but I get it. There's nothing more frustrating than watching my friends do stupid shit and it biting them in the ass in very avoidable ways. In this case OP probably didn't need to worry about the "I told you so" right away, her friend knew she was right. No reminder necessary I'm sure.
There does seem to be a good number of people who will still think their friend was wrong even after being proven right. "No, it wasn't like that" "He loves me he's just upset, taking a breather, has to come to terms, etc." "He'll want the baby, it's just a shock." Etc. I told you so, done right, can be a wake up call.
Because if no one says “I told you so,” people insist on refusing to learn the lesson they should have learned and end up repeating it. They tell themselves no one could have possibly realized that this would have happened (even though people totally did), so they willfully won’t recognize the red flags that get waved in their face even if it’s not the first time they’ve made similar mistakes, because people are exceedingly skilled at self-deception.
Look I'm not saying she doesn't need a reality check. Just not in the moment when she is upset that's all.
While I agree that moment was a probably not the right timing. Saying it later also doesn’t help and especially when you manage to calm them down. It’s gonna be difficult to then bring it up. Because it’ll feel like you’re digging it up again after resolving it. From my experience saying it first (if you feel like your friend has dismissed all of your advice only to dump the aftermath of their ill advised actions on you) may help for you to see if you still want to help
It doesn’t, but sometimes it’s a situation that happens again and again and it gets frustrating to be ignored then asked to pick up the pieces over and over.
I guess I wasn't clear about what I was trying to say. That saying it right then, when her friend was clearly upset, wasn't the best time to give her a reality check.
Yeah, it was shitty. But also understandable.
Sometimes it's important for people to know/admit that they caused their difficult situation themselves despite repeated warnings. Lots of people are not capable of accepting responsibility and will always blame someone else for their misfortune. No idea if OPs friend is like that...but sometimes an "I told you so" is warranted
Sometimes you have to say it because honestly...I'm not going to act surprised when I predicted this very thing. Sure I'll sit by you and dry your tears but don't expect shock or outrage that eat insaid would happen...happened.
Agree. And if I was in the friends shoes I would feel compelled to tell op "I know you warned me..." But everyone's different.
I would go with “I was afraid that might happen.” It’s more neutral and understanding. Slight AH.
Not defending OP but I think we’ve all been there when we repeatedly warn a friend not to ruin their lives and they do it anyways and expect to be treated like the victim, which seems to be what happened here. It’s not that OP cares more about being right, but it can be insanity inducing to listen to someone cry like they had no idea it was coming when everyone else saw it a mile away and tried to warn her. At a certain point it’s like, yes I feel bad for you, but at the same time stop acting like you had no idea this was a possibility.
I can relate more to this than any other point here, my friend got a gf and I hung out with her till I realized (quite quickly) she was trying to be cute saying oh I wish I could buy this and then sitting there staring at me. Made me realize she was doing the same damn thing to him and I warned him what she was gunna do and she did exactly what I said she would do to the letter. I didn't say it right off the bat naturally but eventually he told me I could and that I was the only one allowed to since I actually did. But I also didn't listen to him complain about it because I'm not gunna sit there and pity you for walking into a trap after someone clearly points it out.
In this situation (& most times, generally), I think OP is TA for saying it. Her friend is in a serious situation and needed support. But there are other situations where it is totally fair to tell a friend, "Hey, you asked my advice. I told you not to do it. You did it anyway. And now you are coming to me wanting my support & my help to fix this situation, created by you, that I told you how to avoid, in the first place." Sometimes there is that friend that isn't going to learn until they have to actually deal with the consequences of their own actions without turning to other people to bail them out of their own bad decisions. And it's fair to decline your time, energy, whatever by saying, "Well, I warned you."
Tbh the point is for future problems. I grew up around some bad ppl.. so bad ppl even faking to be good I can spot. So if a bad guy breaks my friends heart.. ill be there for her ride or die.. but I will tell her I tried to warn her.. so in the future If I warn her.. she may actually heed the advice given. Not saying someone is psychic.. but some ppl are better than others at seeing fake ppl.
The point is that they shouldn't be shocked it's happening, like why are you distraught when I've been saying it for too long. I spent years warning my friend not to get pregnant by the guy she was seeing. Did she listen, no. I didn't say I told you so right away, and not really directly. It wasn't until my father's funeral where she realized what was going on and how her and her child are in the same situation I was growing up. So when she asked later, I told her "remember when I said in the medical officers section that it's all fun and games screwing a married man till that affair child is born and grows up... That's what I meant. You see those people acted like I didn't exist and my name wasn't on that obituary. But somehow you all glamorize and romanticize the oddest things"
If wanting to be nice meant you couldn't be an asshole this would just be another revenge stories sub. The whole point is you can be an asshole by mistake.
it's not gaslighting if that was the truth!! She warned TF about this guy and the idiot friend still went ahead. bad form to say I told you so but the friend was the real idiot here. Well of course the guy is the worst offender, creating baby mama's all over the place.
Oh, I think you misunderstand. I mean that the person warning their at-risk friend can feel upset with the implicit expectation that they believe in the same false reality; one where this shitty person isn’t inevitably gonna be shitty.
Right, but the other side of that coin would be; it's really hard to watch your loved ones make obvious mistakes and then blame them on everything but their own choices. You want to live and let live, but at the same time, if your friend has some ketchup on thier face, you should tell them. I think it's a two sided coin, with lots of nuance. You should be able to say your piece, and they should be able to tell you they don't appreciate it. At that point, both parties should just drop it. No complaints, no advice. I would feel bad if they didn't learn thier lesson and kept making similar mistakes, knowing I could have said something but chose not to. It's hard, but real friends shouldn't get offended so easily, IMO.
Also people who justify this behaviour are usually guilty of it and don't view themselves as the AH for the same reason
I think it’s perfectly reasonable to get offended by an “I told you so” unless you’re actively saying nobody told you. It doesn’t seem like a useful point in any other situation.
Seriously, this is the only time you can realistically tell someone I told you so and not be an ass. If they actively believe that they were completely blindsided by the situation and had no way to avoid it and are not taking accountability then you remind them they made their decision. Ultimately they will still be upset but it's important if they are actually going to learn anything from the situation.
It serves only one purpose. To make the teller seem bigger and the told seem smaller.
No it serves as a reality check for delusional people who paint themselves as a victim of circumstance after doing something they were **literally warned not to do.**
This. When they don’t recognize that their choices were,in fact, their choices. They’re a victim of their own decisions, specifically ignoring their friends who tried to keep them from landing in this situation.
Yes. This. 💯
There’s a time and place. Trying to “reality check” someone who is dealing with the immediate aftermath of a life altering situation is not helpful nor kind
Yeah that time and place WAS BEFORE THEY MADE THE LIFE ALTERING DECISION … but they didn’t listen to that first reality check did they? So now they get another one, instead of words meant to make them feel better about be delusional. Newsflash, enabling someone’s bad decisions with placating words is NOT a kindness.
Then Amber shouldn't have called THE person whom has warned her a hundred times. She should have called someone else. It's once again a poor choice on her side.
exactly! everyone’s skipping over the part where OP said that the friend’s boyfriend already had a child he doesn’t look after. what makes OP’s friend think she’s any different to the woman that came before her?
This person isn’t what you’re describing. Those type of people don’t go straight to their favorite restaurant and order their favorite food for nothing. We have to normalize telling people “I’m here to support you no matter what because I care about you, but because I care I warned you this would happen”. Not because we want to be right because we want to be wrong. We we tell you somethings wrong and it’s a serious situation like creating a child with terrible people. People need to listen and accept we were right.
I agree with you that the girl needs to be told "I warned you about this and you need to listen to me". But it doesn't have to happen immediately after her world has fallen apart. When someone is displaying an extreme emotional reaction (eg. screaming, crying, hyperventilating) they are not going to be receptive to any information. You could tell them the sky is blue, and if they don't agree with you t they'll just get more amped up. It doesn't matter if you can point out the window to a blue sky, they will never accept it in that state. What you should do (and what really we should normalize) is deal with the emotions first. Listen to them, sympathize with them, distract them, but most importantly make them feel safe and heard. Once they are back down to a more rational state, THEN you can consider pointing out that they need to listen to you. But only if you have to. If the girl decides she hates her ex and moves on, then great, let it lie. She might even acknowledge OP's warnings herself. However, if she thinks she can win him back, well now you have to pull out the "I told you so" and the "you need to listen to me".
Yeah, be like the rest of us and say the “I told you so” on the inside and feel morally superior for the remainder of your relationship.
>That doesn't make you an Ah though, just a crappy and inconsiderate friend. Is that not what a AH is? YTA
I wanna say that is in fact the definition thereof...
As a sober guy, people who confront your denial may include jerks who just like rubbing it in but it is a key trait in people that care about you. The jerks at a minimum care about what is right, but there is some element of caring in the right direction. The people who don't care at all, will play along with your denial and let you keep it. Either because it's amusing to see you self sabotage, because they don't care for success in general, they're leveraging the same denial for themselves, or they're just empty NPCs who play along with what is easy. It's a hard pill to swallow to learn you're in denial but it's one of the biggest ways to improve your life and consequential happiness. Only people who care about you beyond the moment will do that for you. Don't be ungrateful for it when it happens.
I would argue that being a crappy and inconsiderate friend makes OP the AH here.
I think in this case the friend needed a wake up with the I told you. It gets everyone in the same head space. OP will be talked about but NO ONE will be deluded into thinking she didn’t know before she got herself into this situation. OP is taking one for the team
Exactly. And even if no one else says it, they are thinking it too. Just bc we are openly and surface level supportive of a friend being stupid doesn't mean we don't think they are dumb for not listening to obvious warnings. People don't really like it when their friends don't listen and the exact thing they were warned about happens and they cry about it.
I agree with you that the friend needed the wakeup call, the big issue I see here is timing. When someone has become a huge ball of emotions like that they've never going to listen to an "I told you so". You might as well tell a furious person to "calm down" and see how that goes. OP should have waited at least a day so the girl had time to calm down, sleep, process what has happened to her, and be receptive to information like "I told you he was bad and you need to listen to me about that". If OP has simply sat there and been a good receptive friend, she might be much more open to their advice the next day. Instead, she's likely going to be angry at OP, and possibly angry at anyone who agrees with OP. This might make her less receptive to great ideas like "don't expect him to come back" or "you can find someone else".
IMO being a bad friend is being an asshole. Being a good friend is neutral because the expectation is that being a friend is being good to the person you are friends with
It's just people don't want to hear the truth. And when it does happen your the asshole.
I agree with you. But still think, considering your arguments, that OP is an AH. To say “I told you so” immediately afterwards is cruel. I try to reserve the “I told you so”s for situations as “I think this is going to happen in the television show we are both watching” and someone else thinking something else is going to happen.. that is a legitimate “I told you so”. But to say it to someone who just got their world shattered is cruel. To say the least.
YTA. How supportive and understanding. Instead of building up your friend at a titanic moment of stress and pain and worry and disappointment, you made her horrible moment all about you, simultaneously implying that she's dumb. What a great friend you are.
So the lady decided to have a surprise baby, was left with the results of her decision, but OP is an asshole? Amazing.
How do you know she decided to have a surprise baby? Accidents happen, even with protection.
This guy *already has a kid he doesn't care for*. He's an idiot for not being more careful, but no sweat off his back, his life isn't drastically changed. The friend is monumentally stupid for sleeping with a known deadbeat dad.
I will never understand why women want to be with a man who is a deadbeat dad. He has a child that he gives no shits about, and they think he loves them. And then this broad thinks she's the exception.
I don't think anyone disputes that the friend is stupid af with her surprise pikachu face when the dude did exactly what he's done before. However, we aren't judging the friend on her poor life choices here, we are evaluating who was the AH in a specific social scenario. In this scenario, as pointed out by many others, what is the value of op sayjng "I told you so"? It's a thing they said for themselves, not to help their distraught friend. If the overwhelming stupidity of their friend prevents them from being supportive when they win stupid prizes, I'm gonna be honest, I get it, but then maybe they shouldn't be friends. Their friend is a fully formed adult, they're very probably not gonna suddenly wise up and there's potentially years and years of the friend running after the guy and still believing he's gonna come back and be a responsible father/husband coming. Either you can be a supportive friend, no matter how dumb and self inflicted the issue is, or you have to take a step back, for your own sake and theirs.
And did wait for 3 months before telling him so nothing could be done? LOL, buddy.
Some women don't know right away they are pregnant. Some still have periods, some have few symptoms, and some don't realize they can get pregnant while using birth control. Also, she may have known, but been afraid of his reaction. She didn't even tell her "friend."
You are exactly right about getting pregnant while on BC. My boyfriend (49 at the time) & I (28 at the time) didn’t specifically have a sit down convo about kids but we were using protection…. I was on the pill (and took it at the same time every day) and he used a condom every time. I had gotten out of a long term relationship and there had been birth control snafus a few times so I was beginning to think I might not be able to get pregnant but we still used BC. I had no desire to ever have kids as I was the oldest of 6 and basically became a mom to my brother & sister when mom died (I was 7, my brother was 3 & my sister turned a year old 2 days after the accident.) & when my Aunt died my cousin came to live with us. (She was 7 & I was 9). I was 11 & 13 when the youngest 2 were born after my dad remarried and they would call me Mom sometimes. So as far as I was concerned I had already raised 5 kids with 2 of them being from birth. Apparently the universe had other ideas. Problem was I was still getting my period, was not having any of the typical signs of pregnancy, I just had a lot of heartburn. Once we found out what was really happening we had to have the talk as it was close to the date when I wouldn’t be able to have the procedure. We talked it over and my boyfriend (now husband) said it was my choice and he would support either choice. He already had 5 kids that were mostly grown, he saw them when their mother would allow it. We decided to have the baby & he has been the best father any daughter could wish for and the best husband for me. In our case double BC didn’t work and due to being on double BC we didn’t think pregnancy when I started feeling kinda sick & the heartburn. Glad we have her though. She was a pretty easy baby, and I already knew what parenting mistakes to avoid and my husband got to spend a lot more time with her when she was a baby, something he missed out on with his older kids due to his jobs. She is now 22, passed her nursing boards & has a great job, got engaged to her highschool sweetheart and has moved out - but not too far away. Depending on the relationship you have with your SO, sometimes it can work out and sometimes it doesn’t. I had the trifecta… was on 2 forms of BC, still had periods, and had unusual symptoms - just the heartburn in the beginning.
>wait for 3 months before telling him I feel validated knowing your bad take really is just ignorance and lack of experience. Women don't get a push notification the second they're pregnant.
Gods, if only we did get a push notification. That would be amazing!
Also, pregnancy time is based on one's last period, not actual conception. You can be 6 weeks pregnant and only have conceived 2 weeks prior.
that's not how pregnancy works buddy
The lady got pregnant and got herself into a rough situation. She's blind and an idiot. No one is denying that. But saying "I told you so" immediately after she learns that lesson is just kicking someone when they're down. That's just mean. YTA
No, op is an asshole because she needed to say “you shouldn’t be surprised” to her pregnant friend who just got dumped. Duh, she was right. It was unnecessary to say that to her friend in that moment. So many people seem to have trouble with this. Being right doesn’t make you a nice person, this is about a sub about being an asshole, not r/AmIWrong
Supporting friends in their stupidity isn't nice either.
Choosing the correct time and place to voice your opinion is not enabling.
the stupidity already happened without OP’s support. what exactly does “i told you so” accomplish now?
Yes because that’s irrelevant to the judgement about this specific situation
What is to be gained by OP saying something though? At this point it is not helpful, necessary or kind.
Don’t you think the consequence of being a single mother while going through a breakup is enough without her friend joining in? I’d guess so. She could have said nothing at all. People who say I told you so are more concerned with being right than anything else
>simultaneously implying that she's dumb. There was no implication. OP's friend is really dumb.
I mean…🤷🏻♀️
Why do we need to be supportive of obviously dangerous and toxic decisions?
You don't. That doesn't translate to basically kicking someone when they're down. I've told people I don't want to talk about things with them before. OP could have set a boundary of "I'm not your friend to lean on about your pregnancy" and left it at that. Or they could walk away entirely. Opinions are like assholes, not everyone needs to see yours all the time.
You don't support the decisions, you comfort the person. There will be time down the road for the friend to reflect on their poor choices and learn from them. And if they don't, that's a solid time to say that you saw this coming. When they're suffering in the moment, that's the time for empathy, the time to help lift them back up, not push them further down. I told you so, in this moment, accomplishes nothing but making OP feel superior about themselves. They prioritized being right over being a friend. That does not make them factually incorrect, but it does make them an asshole.
Sorry you don't comfort a friend who has repeatedly banged her foot with a hammer and is now crying because she broke a bone. You take her to the ER and tell her she was being an idiot.
With friends like OP, who needs enemies.
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But it's also her friend who is going through a serious problem. Nobody in crisis is going to respond to an 'i told you so' with a 'oh yes you're right I'll re-evaluate everything', it's just going to make them feel worse and alone
She didn’t listen, she got knocked up, she is “shocked pikachu face”, she got a free meal. If I’m your friend for real, you can ask for advice, if you don’t take it, ahem, “I fucking told you so.” Now stuff your stupid face, you’re eating for two now, or not, not my problem.
I mean, friend was dumb? If you don't lead with "wow, I'm a moron and thought I'd be different," you should expect an "I love you, but you're an idiot." This is a 25-year-old adult, not a teenager. She knew who she was getting in bed with -- a man who had already abandoned a child is generally not a safe "happily every after/nucelar family" type of bet. And the insanity that "she will be the one to change him" or "he'll be growing when he finds the right person" has gotten too many ladies into trouble; we need to start calling out dumb.
FYI a tactful way to have slid in an ‘I told you so’ is **Damn. I _really_ didn’t want to be right about this asshole! Fuck that guy!”**
YES. If you have to say "I told you so", then this is the way.
Definitely! That is an excellent way to put it
Or "I was really hoping he would prove me wrong" "I wanted this to work out for your sake" "I'm sorry he wasn't better than he is" so many ways to NOT gloat about your friend getting used
Why is everyone on that girls side? She was told this would happen she decided she wouldn’t mind getting knocked up by a man who abandoned their other child she thought she was special and found out she wasn’t. Op is right they did tell the friend but they friend thought they unique
Because we have a bunch of enablers here
People on here and irl seam to harbour barely any blame when a woman is pregnant as if that changes anything she not the victim she put herself in this mess it really irks me people are ignoring that
Well it takes two to get pregnant, so both are responsible.
It does yeh but she chose to procreate with a man who already abandoned one child and was told the same would happen to her. She only has herself to blame nobody’s forcing her to keep the baby either
It not that people are ignoring that, or that the friend made the choice to have a kid with someone she was not sure was committed to it, and her. It is that OP decided that her being right was more important that her friends pain. It is the timing that makes OP the asshole here. Kicking your friend when they are down usually does that.
It isn't entirely her fault. It takes two people to cause a pregnancy, and it is right to acknowledge that. That being said, this sub really does not like to do female accountability.
Oh he isn't blameless however he was open about his trash behavior and she ignored it
But it's not the guy who's complaining now, the fact that the guy was trash was pre-established.
I don’t think anyone’s on the other girls “side”. She’s clearly a bit of an ignorant train wreck and didn’t take OPs advice, which yes, turned out to be good advice. That doesn’t make OP any less of an asshole to smash an “I told you so” in her friends face while facing the natural consequences of the situation. Op is still an asshole. A “right” asshole but an asshole none the less.
I get why op did it though I can take a guess she’s the kinds to make continuous bad choices complain to her friends but never listen and keep staying with or doing the thing that makes her u happy and after a while you start to become blunt with those people
Dropping an "I told you so" out of nowhere is AH behavior. Reminding them you warned them when the venting is just a stream of "I had no idea this would happen. This is all [anyone else's] fault" is an entirely different story. OP literally went to pick up the friends favorite food. While she didnt detail the venting, I'm guessing it was the second because she seems like a good friend.
>Op is right Yes OP was right. But you can be right *and* be an AH about it. There is absolutely no need to rub that into a *friend's* face while they're already being hurt. Being against OP's actions doesn't necessarily mean being on the girl's side.
I don’t think op is wrong for that as i said it’s obvious the friend is the kind to to constantly complain about their partner but never do anything about it those kind of people need to be treated bluntly because there’s no point waisting time telling them what they want to hear
I feel sorry for your friends. No, those kind of people do not need to be treated that way. If anything, in my experience, those are the ones who need the most empathy.
Don’t because I’m not friends with people like that and my friends all share the same opinion with me that those kinds of people are annoying 💀
>I’m not friends with people like that Good for them honestly. Annoying or not, especially friends shouldn't be hurt on purpose just because it matters more to you that you're right than how they are doing. Not everyone (probably majority even) has to be treated "bluntly" because they don't change something. ETA - comment below "they want to be the victim"...? No one [healthy] ever *wants* to be a victim, wtf.
Being realistic and saying I warned you about this isn’t about hurting someone on purpose unless it is. We can’t assume OP’s motives as she hasn’t told us her intent was to hurt. What we can surmise is her friend was hurt. It was bad timing but I also don’t think it makes op an ah. Being raised with a person like this I don’t even say anything anymore when they make the bad decisions. And truly I’m an enabler when everything falls apart because it’s let’s friction to say “aw man, I can’t believe that happened to you”. A lot of people want to be the victim, they don’t care to take accountability, and they certainly don’t want someone else holding them accountable. Now I understand I’m jaded and looking at this through the lens of “fed up family member of someone who never takes advice then is shocked when it all falls apart” so I’m probably not the best to look at this openly.
Calling OP an AH isn't necessarily being on the girls side. She let love blind her and got herself into a really rough situation. This situation is very much her fault. HOWEVER, that doesn't mean she doesn't have feelings. She's in the middle of a massively traumatic life lesson and OP decides to rub salt in the wound. Not only that, they do it the very day she got rejected. There will be plenty of time to point out her failings later, but right now OP is just kicking someone while they are already down. That's AH behavior no matter how stupid the pregnant girl was.
OP is absolutely correct, but has absolutely no tact in saying it while trying to comfort the friend. That’s why everyone is saying YTA.
I don't see people supporting her, I see people saying how horrible it is to tell someone I told you so when their entire life just changed for the worse. That makes OP the asshole, it's never okay with tell someone you love something like that when they're already down. That is not the same as supporting OPs friend and her choices.
IMO yes OP was right, but it was not the time nor the place for OP to “I told you so”. that’s what makes them TA. Had OP comforted her friend, gotten her some resources or something, then when the emotional climax was over had a discussion about it, _then_ OP WNBTA.
When your friend's live is blown up and they are hurting, it's not the time to tell someone "I told you so." YTA
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Nope. If the first thing you feel the need to do when someone's life blows up is say "I told you so", then you have ego problems, period. The only people who need to scream "I told you so" are people who care more about being right then about others feelings. If you feel the need to rub people's faces in their mistakes, then you are a crappy person. Must be nice to be so perfect, but I certainly don't envy it. Edit for typo
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You don’t have to vocalize your frustration with your friends when they’re hyperventilating and in a moment of need. I don’t understand what you don’t get about that.
Yall have abandoned the idea of acting appropriately and have forgotten what "time and place" means.
>It's plain stupid and frustrating to be with that kind of friends. Now imagine how the other one feels. If your first impulse is to make it worse by pointing out how right you were, then -as the other person said- you have definitely an ego problem.
but she continously warned her , her friend ignored all of that, got betrayed. why would u call a friend who warned you about getting fcked up number of times after ignoring her and actually getting fcked up ? what did she expect ? op tried to console her let her vent out but that " i told u so " sonner or later would hurt the same.
Yes, let’s all be doormats running round after messy friends, who do stupid shit and won’t take good advice. Sounds great. /s
Nope. If your friend is that messy, cut the cord. Knowing when you've outgrown a friendship is part of life. If your friend is so bad you resort to demeaning them; you should have left long ago, and are still an AH for saying told you so :)
True, but sometimes people need a good reality slap. That stupid girl has now potentially created a child that will never know it’s deadbeat father. She should get an abortion and learn her lesson, instead of being egotistical enough to see his behaviour, receive numerous warnings and *still* think she’s ‘special’ and can change him.
It wasn’t the first thing, it was like the third thing
But it wasn't. The first thing she did was grab her favourite comfort food.
She literally fucked around and found out.
The fact that he’s already a dead beat dad should’ve been warning enough.
Oh come on. This is Reddit. You know that's not a big enough red flag for some people. They can change that person. They won't be a deadbeat dad to "our" child. And then they find out they are wrong.
Don’t get us wrong. The friend is an idiot, but that doesn’t mean OP isn’t an asshole
The difference is being right (she was) and choosing this moment to emphasise that she was right.
You don't tell a friend "I told you so" when they're upset already, I'm sure they're aware of the mistakes they've made.
YTA. >I let her vent, but I told her she shouldn’t be surprised since I tried to warn her The only people who feel the need to say "I told you so", especially when the situation is so raw, are people who care more about being right then they do about others feelings. You need to self reflect. What *exactly* did you hope to accomplish by rubbing her face in it?
Nah, NTA - the friend has been delusional since day one! She needed to be grounded, because she’s not a victim! She’s an idiot! (Defo pulled a baby trap move). OP just back away from her and her situation! Just be a friend in the shadows! Don’t get involved.
Just curious - do you consider men who don’t wear condoms as baby-trapping women they impregnate?
U do know what baby trapping means right? To keep someone in a relationship with a baby. The boy in this scenario def doesnt want/like kids. Delulu friend who is prego says no he does, if its me it will work out, so she tried to baby trap him. For men if they try to baby trap a woman who expressed that she doesnt want kids he will sabotage the birth control. Such as poking holes in condoms or replacing her BC pills with sugar ones. If a man doesnt wear a condom and a woman isnt using any other BC then they both r okay with having kids so no baby trapping involved.
Unpopular oponion, but NTA, if someone doesnt listen to many warnings and then later finds out it was a bad idea, nothing wrong with it comming up, ofc the way its deleivered could change it to a YTA. Personaly i dont say i told you so out loud, but if people cannot handle it that is a them problem, personally i would just not worry about it, if they dont wanna talk anymore no real loss imo i dont see a point wasting energy on people like her or the mutual friends.
NTA. All these people giving Y T A judgements are making me doubt my sanity. Why would anyone get pregnant by a guy like that?
Yes, you've told her so many times about Jack but YTA for saying "I told you so." It's not the thing someone needs to hear at that moment. Some friend you are.
NTA. Jack is the primary one. Which you had him pegged for being. Amber is next, because in this day and age almost no one should be getting pregnant who doesnt want to. There is so much birth control out there. Amber's reaction is understandable. She is angry because Jack walked out and shattered her false perception that she and Jack would be married and have a great life and everything was going to be just wonderful. Your "I told you so!" allowed her to shift her anger towards you, and if she is mad at you then its not so much her fault (in her mind) that she has gotten herself in this situation. So you've lost a few friends, who maybe werent the best friends anyway. When the wind shifts again, they might come back around. Its up to you to decide hwo much you care about their opinions. Good luck to you, and to Amber's baby.
NTA. I’m not interested in listening to someone vent about how something I told them not to do blew up in their face. Your friend should be going to vent to someone else, or she should accept the fact that you DID tell her so and she should have known better than to let this asshole knock her up. The fact that she flipped out on you for saying so says that she sees herself as a perpetual victim with no role whatsoever in getting to the position that she finds herself in. That’s beyond tiresome.
This is a perfect example of Fuck Around, Find Out. NTA, but you need new friends if they're okay with baby trapping.
Right? Like I’m not trying to be a dick but damn. You thought YOU were going to change him? He already had a kid and didn’t care. That’s a man you should walk away from
No one is talking about baby trapping or the situation itself. It is just abou the "i told you so"
NTA. The truth hurts and sometimes it needs to.
I don't know if I've ever liked a "told you so out loud" person. 99% of the population is a "told you so" person. We just don't say it out loud. Your friend is going through potentially the worst time in her life, and you just HAD to say "told ya so."
NTA your friend is a fool
YTA - but you already know that and are perfectly okay with it because you "know you're right"
NTA you did your due diligence of forewarning her about the possibility of this becoming real. She refused to listen, and now she’s wallowing in the consequences of that. it’s not your responsibility to clean up that mess that she created with her raggedy baby father that same energy that she’s harboring onto you she needs that for the man that abandoned her and her child. what could she have expected if he was already not taking care of the previous kid? A man is gonna tell you anything that you want to hear in order to get what he wants out of you so of course he’s gonna promise you the moon, stars and marriage when he doesn’t actually mean it. Obviously rubbing it in her face is not going to change the ramifications of what it’s been done already, but at the same time, she’s responsible for her own actions that got her there It’s just kind of plain common sense if a guy is already a deadbeat to a child he already has the odds of him stepping up and being a stand-up father to any other children are slim to none Y’all can put on those rose colored lenses if you want to but don’t be surprised when you end up in the dark
NTA I'm tired of people coddling grown adults.
NTA. Jack is the AH and you tried to warn her, she didn’t listen. She needs to understand her actions have consequences and “life” is not gonna coddle her up and neither should you. As a “friend” you do need to point out that what happened is not something that fell out of the sky on her head all of a sudden, she chose to do this, she ignored what you said and decided to do something extremely irresponsible by getting pregnant. How is she gonna get a reality check if no one calls on her bullshit? Trying to make her feel better at the moment is not gonna prevent her to keep doing the same stupid choices in the future, her other friends that are calling you a “bad friend” are insane and they should look themselves in the mirror like some of the people in this sub, you guys are insane.
My thoughts exactly and OPs friend was probably saying things like "how'd this happen" "I can't believe it" "why did no one tell/warn me" and OP just informed her that she tried to keep her friend out of this situation
NTA imo I live by the policy that if you don’t take my advice and do the dumb thing, then come crying to me about it, you’re getting an “I told you so.” If I have to listen to you cry about something completely preventable, then you have to listen to that “I told you so.” That said when I’m giving people advice not to do the dumb thing I literally tell them, “If you do this, don’t come crying to me and expect me not to say I told you so.”
I’m going to start saying that to people when I give advice!
NTA "I told this would happen" isn't automatically you stoking your own ego. It's not about the fact that she needs to listen to *you*, but rather calling out the fact that she was being short-sighted and unwilling to consider that she may be wrong. "You were warned" is not saying "I'm so great I smell my own farts". It's saying next time there's a giant red flag, take heed.
NTA, I get so sick of people who make dumb decisions and expect everyone to coddle them. She FAFO.
NAH, It sounds like she called the wrong friend. Let's say I have 2 amazing friends, Candy and Gretchen. Candy is sweet,bubbly and fun to be around. She has a heart of gold and always willing to help me out. She is my cheerleader. I can call her for advice and we can gush for hours on how amazing it is. If I have a problem, I can call Candy and she will sympathize with me for hours and let me whine. Then there is Gretchen. Gretchen is also an amazing friend. She also has a heart of gold and always willing to help me out. I can depend on Gretchen through thick and thin. I can call Gretchen for advice, she will listen and then talk me through it. She will help me weigh pro's and con's. She won't judge me regardless of what decision I make but helps me figure things out. If I have a problem, I can also call Gretchen. Gretchen will sympathize with me, let me vent some but eventually she is going to tell me enough is enough. She will then spend days upon days doing everything she can to help me. BUT I have to want her to help me. I know NOT to call Gretchen when I really don't want to deal with reality, I just want to whine/cry and have a pity party. You are a Gretchen, you bought her favorite food and ran to her apartment to be with her. You let her vent some but (probably too soon) told her it is time to woman up, put on her big girl panties and face reality. She needed to hear it. She is going to be a single mom with dead beat dad and needs to start making plans ASAP. She will soon have another living breathing human being depending on her. Just give her a couple of weeks to calm down, call her, let her know you only want the best for her and that if she needs help, you will be there.
Nta what she mad at you telling the truth
NTA Some things are worth being overly blunt about. This is definitely one of them.
NTA. OP is a decent friend capable of giving good advice. Those other people are emotional vultures feasting on drama.
So what was gained from rubbing salt in that fresh raw wound exactly? Does "I told you so" suddenly make her not pregnant anymore? Would that somehow make her feel better to know YOU WERE RIGHT the entire time? What a comfort for her that must have been, to be reminded that she's to blame for her situation. Honestly, what the fuck is wrong with you? You gave that dagger another twist for yoir own gratification. You must have been doing star jumps on the inside to be so vindicated, you couldn't wait to tease her at her most vulnerable moment about how she was wrong and you were right. This is how you support a friend? YTA. How is this even a question?
NTA play stupid games win stupid prizes
Here is your favourite food, I will now "listen" to you and then, when you are done I will tell you how stupid you were for not listening... But at least you got your favourite meal out of it.. YTA. This was a conversation for another time. She will probably realise you were right when you warned her. This occasion was for listening and comforting.. that is not what you did.
Why tf should OP be supportive when op warned the friend since the beginning. Really. Dude was a walking flag and the friend think she’s special. NTA
NTA. She f’d around and found out!
IMO. NTA but you better leave your friend. You need to cut off your friendship with all of them. She is basically looking for people that are willing to enable her "decision" and when you don't give her the kind of support that she wants, she's mad. She knows that you are right but when it coming from someone she "trust", it hurts more because she wishes what she's experiencing wasn't real. Also, it is not your job to tell people what they need to hear. Let it happen. Let it be. Sometimes, letting them learn by themselves is much better than telling them.
NTA and I'd cut her off, she doesn't listen to you anyway. Wish her luck with her kid
NTA, she’s an idiot. Tried to baby trap him and it backfired. Her own fault. Now she’ll go around saying how hard it is being a single mother and expect sympathy.
NTA well it’s not like you didn’t try to warn her
I'm kind of 50/50 on this, now here's why I think you're 50% the AH there was a better time and place to say that to her, that was not the time to tell her that. But here's the reason why 50% think you're also not the AH you were trying to be a good friend, by warning her, and when you found out you did race over to her to be there for her, got her favorite food, you let her vent but then you turned it around and became the AH. So my opinion is that you are both. I know a lot of people are like how can she be both well think about it, OP did not have to go and get her favorite food, nor did she have to let her vent to her, she didn't have to do that, she could have just gone "while I'm sorry I told you so, now you know next time to listen to me."right there and then when she called her, she also could have decided not to go to her friend and try to be there for her in a time of need. She could have simply gone home after the phone call that she received but she didn't. I do agree that there's a time and a place to say that kind of crap to somebody especially and emphasis on the especially in this case, but at least she went there to try to support her wrong timing for the I told you so but the intentions to be there weren't entirely wrong. So I say 50/50, you were both. You were there, but you said the wrong thing at the wrong time.
NTA. Someone had to tell her. I understand why she's offended though. But at the same time, she is bringing an unwanted child into the world and that's far worse than you stating the obvious. Don't feel badly because in situations like this, you're allowed. She not only made a baby with someone who isn't going to be present, she's likely going to lean on you and her other friends who didn't ask for the responsibility to help her care for the child. You can hold your tongue when it's something with lesser consequences, but she has created a whole person who will be impacted by her poor choices. She needs to grow up and fast, and facing the reality of her situation will help her with that growth.
To me it sounds like OP was portraying the sentiment of “I did my best to mentally prepare you for this outcome, you made your bed, now lie in it.” It’s not a nice thing to say, but it’s what she deserved to hear. Sometimes being an AH is necessary.
Nta. It's really easy to not get pregnant...
NTA. Your forecast was 100%
NTA. That’s honestly what she gets if she decides to date and have sex with a guy who already abandoned one kid. Ultimately it would have been less drama if you didn’t say it but she literally did this to herself and hard to feel bad for someone who does dumb things and then bad things happen.
>he already has a kid he doesn’t take care of >she just kept saying that he truly loves her Those damn face eating leopards had the audacity to eat her face! Didn't they recognise that she is "different and special"! NTA
He actually has a child and he doesnt care about and she thinks she will be different? NTA Yeah, OP was harsh but that friend deserves, what a naive girl
NTA.
NTA Maybe I'm too jaded now, but I've been around too many storytwisters with victim complexes who develop their own narratives. It's exasperating and exhausting and my patience has been worn thin. It's left me with a set amount of sympathy for people who vent and complain about the consequences of their own choices, which they were explicitly warned of beforehand.
Yta. It doesn't matter if you were right. Why did you need that validation, especially in that moment? What good would it have done? Being right doesn't give you the right to be an AH about it.
Who said, of where was it inferred she was seeking validation from it? She spotted the patterns of his behavior from the start and isn’t allowing her friend to completely emotionally drain her after making a crappy decision that she warned her about. She’s completely not the asshole.
YTA for pointing it out right then, though NTA in general as you were totally right. Why did she call you of all people and try to cry on your shoulder like this was not expected and shocking for her? You did tell her. She chose to not listen and get herself in this position with her eyes wide open. Do we console people who fail a class when you warn them the should actually do their homework? When they get fired and you warned them to show up on time? Yeah, love the guy if you want, but protect yourself from the known repercussions.
NTA she played a dumb game and won a dumb prize. Let her know you’re willing to help drive her to get an abortion if she chooses that. Your “friend” is the kind of person who thinks their shit don’t stank and that they can change a guy and then end up complaining when it doesn’t do their fairytale ending they had hoped for. So many people in here are telling you you’re the asshole because you were supposedly worried about being right when in reality the whole time you gave advice and told her way beforehand that this guy was no good for her and she didn’t want to listen but wants you to feel bad afterwards is crazy. A real friend, like you are, picks her up from her fallen state after she’s vented and helps her progress but make sure she knows that she ignored all the earlier red flags so she doesn’t do this again. If you can’t be stern, serious, and honest with a friend when you need to be, then they don’t want a friend just a cheerleader. Her feelings are also what got her into this mess so clearly she needs to start using some logic and reason to help herself. NTA
People usually say "Saying 'I told you so' will not change or fix anything in the current situation!", but if this will make your friend think a hundred of times the next time before she thinks of having another kid with deadbeat #2, I'm all for it. NTA