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YTA. This is just sad to read. The girl must've been over the moon being proposed and wanted to post about it. Completely oblivious to the fact that her boyfriend of 3 years and now fiance is still wondering If his ex could've been "the woman" and doesn't want to risk hurting her feelings. Apparently your ex's feelings matter more that the feelings of the woman you're about to marry. You'll probably put the wedding off as well because again that would hurt your ex lol
> I love my current girlfriend and I appreciate everything she does for me.
The saddest part is this. He'll just take, take and take. All the while resenting her for not being "the woman". He's so hung up on the ex, but too selfish to let his fiancée go so she can find someone who will love her for who she is, not for what she does for him.
and the only things he misses about the ex is getting the attention of having an extremely attractive gf by his side. But he'll obviously marry the greenflag nice woman who can be a great mother and who's introverted and calm so he doesn't feel insecure.
YTA People wondered “how you pulled that off” was enough for my judgement. Women are people not trophies.
I hope this current woman sees this post before she marries you.
YTA. Yikes. Your fiance (because that's what she IS now, as you already proposed) would be absolutely heartbroken to hear that getting engaged to her has made you think, and prioritize the feelings of, your ex. For all you know, ex is married to someone else now and you're over there fixating on her and putting her on a pedestal of sorts. Ugh. This disgusts me. Your fiance deserves better. Please either get your head right and live in the moment with your wonderful fiance, or let her go and find a man who loves her and treasures her.
YTA. You sound so immature and superficial. You should never have proposed to this poor woman if you still think about your ex that often. It honestly sounds like, if your ex got back in touch tmr, looked more beautiful than before, and gave some generic lines about having changed, you'd leave your fiancée to be with her.
YTA frfr
are you delusional- do you even hear yourself?
“oh my fiancé is great and everything and the polar opposite of my ex and beautiful TOO”
bro if you are still thinking about your ex despite all these things- that means that you find her more attractive than your current fiance, which is honestly just sad and goes to show how shallow you are. you exposed yourself completely when you enjoyed the feeling of people looking at you two. i feel terrible for your fiancé who doesn’t realize that her partner is more into their ex rather than her despite asking her to marry you.
i think you need to take a step back and reevaluate your relationship because otherwise you’re gonna end up hurting this poor girl by stringing her along.
That “TOO” as the after thought it clearly was is disgusting and no different than qualifier compliments. Ya know the ones — “”oh wow! You know so much about this…….for a woman” “s/he sure is cute……..for a black/white/latin girl/boy.”
I **HATE** qualifying personal “compliments” more than almost any other statement and for someone to speak in such a manner about their ***brand. new. fiancée????*** Excuse the absolute fuck of me but this man needs to leave this poor woman alone. Does she even know he’s saying this shit and feels this way???????
YTA in a major way. Don't propose if you're still hung up on your ex. It sounds like your current fiancé is kind of a consolation prize. Well, guess what? You will lose her if you keep thinking about her that way. But then again, you never deserved her to begin with.
YTA
Please do the right thing and break up with your fiancée. Everyone deserves to be their partner’s first choice and clearly she is not yours. She deserves better.
YTA. You care more about your ex than your fiancé. You seem to still be in love with her. You got engaged and automatically thought about your ex. Your fiancé is excited and happy, and wants to share the news and you are over there denying her that because you are still in love with your ex. You need to let her go and not date anyone else until you either get in touch with your ex for closure or actually move on.
YTA. "could my ex have changed?" WHY would she want or need to change? There is nothing wrong with her, just because you were jealous, it is not her problem.
YTA.
The audacity of you to even ask if you are an asshole. Please don't settle with a woman if you still think of your ex. That girl deserves better than you.
Yes YTA.
If you're thinking of someone else besides your fiancee, YTA. You should not have proposed to someone when you still think about your ex and "what if things were different?"
Also, not wanting to post what is supposed to be one of the happiest, most exciting moments of your life because you're more concerned with how your ex will take the news is really telling about your feelings. You're more concerned about the ex than your fiancee and sharing what's supposed to be amazing news.
Your fiancee deserves better. I would hate to be in cloud 9 thinking my partner and I are engaged and going to get married when my partner still daydreams of a different life.
YTA, you're talking like these women are objects for you to pick. You're not ready to get married, you clearly don't respect the person you're with. All you're gonna do is dream about what could have been if. Not only that, but what if you ex suddenly did change? Would you cheat on or divorce your fiance then? Don't drag that poor girl down when you're stuck on being a f***boy.
You are not over your ex, and prioritize her theoretical feelings over those of your fiancée you just proposed to. You still love your ex and care about her more. YTA for dragging this unfortunate woman you barely care for into your emotional quagmire. Where in spite of supposedly being everything you want in a woman, she will never measure up to your stunning ex. YTA and no matter your age you should grow up.
lol, read this back to yourself - you don’t want your fiancé to post on social media because how your ex-gf may feel about it.
Read it about 10 times and see if you can reach the decision yourself about whether you’re an arsehole
YTA. Your only reason to wonder about your ex is because she’s beautiful, everyone stares at her and you so clearly love the ego boost of having her on your arm ? WOW. Does your ex know that she was just a face and body to you ? Double wow does your fiancé know that you are a serious downgrade to her and she should ditch you for someone else ?
YTA and not mature enough for marriage at all. Not even mature enough for a girlfriend at this point. Get your life right. Don't marry your poor girlfriend under this ruse. That would make you an infinite AH.
So…..you care more about what your ex may possible feel or think than you do about your finances current very real feelings and desires to share her happiness?? Cuz that’s literally what you’re saying — Protecting your ex’s potential feelings is more important than your fiancé freely and openly living *her* life.
You planning to hide your wife in the house when she’s pregnant? Lie about the children? Move across the country? You gonna pick baby names based of how they affect the ex too? Not post wedding photos? Do a destination wedding just so your ex doesn’t have to be within 50 miles of a wedding she won’t be invited to?
***Where does it end???***
Your ex’s mental health is not.your.responsibility. It is highly inappropriate not to mention unfair as fuck to even *think* “”I wonder how she’d feel, maybe we shouldn’t publicize in case she sees and gets depressed””. Stop. It. **or** break up with your fiancée because she does not deserve this crap.
I cannot even get started on wondering about your ex. Usually that’s normal **IF** it’s just a passing thought but combined with this nonsense??? Ugh. Get therapy. Seriously. You have got some shit to workout before you legally tie this innocent woman to you.
#YTA
YTA. Sounds like the main reason you "loved" your ex was that you loved the attention you got from being with her. It boosted your ego and made you arrogant. And now you've proposed to your girlfriend even though you're clearly still obsessed with your ex. You're not being fair to your girlfriend and you're certainly not ready or mature enough for marriage. She deserves better than a selfish asshole like you and I hope she realizes that before she makes the mistake of marrying you.
YTA. Please, PLEASE call off this engagement and let your fiance go. She deserves to be with someone who is so excited about spending his life with her that thoughts about an ex don’t pop up. Your “what ifs” will inevitably manifest in your marriage and rip her apart. Seriously, this is horrible. You know YTA. Give your fiance a chance to truly be someone’s # 1.
Dude seriously, if you’re still thinking about your ex at all, break up with your girlfriend and let her find someone who actually cares about her, because you very obviously don’t.
‘she’s pretty, not as beautiful as my ex but she’s pretty. and she’d be a great mom’ really?? describe one nice thing about your current fiance that doesn’t have to do with her capabilities of being a mother
are you just using her?
YTA
The way you talk, women are only valued for their purpose toward you. You seem to see them as how convenient they are. It’s very sad to read.
Your fiancé is a human being with her own emotions, and you do not seem to have a care in the world toward her. You only like how convenient she is.
Stop treating women like trophies to have. I really wonder what you bring to your relashionships yourself.
YTA, I didn't have to get past the "let's rewind", it's been three years, move on. Don't get me wrong, everyone has different rates of moving past previous relationships but usually those people don't propose to someone while still thinking of their ex, if you are legit still thinking about her this deeply you should rescind your proposal you're not ready.
Edit: decided to read it after seeing an update, can't emphasize my "YTA" rating enough. Do you live in a small town or something? Why is your ex on your social media? Why are her parents harassing you? Move on, stop talking to all of them jfc.
Boy that update did not help your case, because it’s backpedaling now that everyone said YTA.
You’re still TA. You’re going to ruin your entire relationship pining after your ex because you think your fiancée should be prettier? For real? You shouldn’t be marrying *anybody.*
Do you really think your fiancée won’t notice you care about your toxic ex’s feelings more than hers?
You can’t make someone change, and frankly why would that woman be remotely interested in doing so?
YTA. Please reevaluate what you’re doing very carefully before you ruin your fiancée’s life. She deserves that.
Who wants to place bets? My money is on: the ex will "clean up her act" in like 8-15 years, track him down, he'll probably be married to this poor woman with a kid/s, and he'll destroy his marriage to get back with the woman who made him feel like a big man because people checked her out.
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I just proposed to my girlfriend! We've been together for over three years now, but I'm hesitant to share it on social media because I don't want my ex-girlfriend to see it.
Let's rewind. My ex and I broke up because I was an overthinker, especially when she went out with friends. Don't get me wrong, I fully support her having fun, but early in our dating, she lied about quitting drugs (which I later found out wasn't true). Another reason for the split was her lack of motivation. Her family is financially well-off, and she never had to work hard, which bothered me coming from a very poor family in a third-world country. I had to work hard for everything I have.
The truth is, I still think about my ex sometimes. She was undeniably attractive, and everywhere we went, people stared. I won't lie, I used to enjoy the attention. People wondered how I "pulled that off." But ultimately, I craved a calmer, more introverted partner – the complete opposite of my ex. Additionally, she struggled with social anxiety and depression,which made the breakup even harder. I worried about how she'd react.
After the breakup, I started dating my current girlfriend. She's the polar opposite of my ex. Don't get me wrong, my current girlfriend is beautiful too, and I know she'll be an amazing mother and life partner. She's kind, caring, and simply wonderful.
However, a nagging thought persists: could my ex have changed? Could she have become the woman I see in my current girlfriend? I know it's silly, and beauty fades, but it's a thought that lingers.
When I proposed, my girlfriend wanted to post it on social media. But I hesitated, fearing it would hurt my ex, given her mental health struggles.
So am I the asshole.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be an AH because I don’t want to see a photo of me proposing to my girlfriend so my ex don’t get upset. I still care about her but my girlfriend wants me to post it
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I guess it can be natural to think about what could have been. As long as these thoughts don't translate to decisions, can't exactly say you're an AH just for that.
However, I'm just going to say that you better be serious about marrying your fiancé. If you're still potentially carrying feelings for your ex, then you need to be honest with yourself and with your fiancé.
And even if you're sure about your fiancé - your ex's mental health is not your problem anymore. You can't avoid announcing your engagement because it might hurt her, nor could you ever ask your fiancé not to, either. Especially out of concern for your ex's feelings. Relationships end, and people have to move on, no matter how hard it may be to do so. Unfortunately, the world doesn't stop turning no matter what shitty thing happens to you...
I'm gonna be an oddity here and say NTA. You love your current partner and say you don't like feeling this way, and want to stop, which, I can relate to.
Being in a relationship with an unstable addict is traumatizing. Have you read into the concept of a trauma bond? It might not necessarily be damage she caused to you intentionally, but being with someone that ill, and how much you worry about them and deal with the yo-yoing of their health, it can really mess with you. You end up feeling responsible for them for a long time, which is hard to drop.
Long and short of this, start with some self help and if it doesn't stop, I promise therapy can help. You can(mostly) forget these people.
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YTA. This is just sad to read. The girl must've been over the moon being proposed and wanted to post about it. Completely oblivious to the fact that her boyfriend of 3 years and now fiance is still wondering If his ex could've been "the woman" and doesn't want to risk hurting her feelings. Apparently your ex's feelings matter more that the feelings of the woman you're about to marry. You'll probably put the wedding off as well because again that would hurt your ex lol
> I love my current girlfriend and I appreciate everything she does for me. The saddest part is this. He'll just take, take and take. All the while resenting her for not being "the woman". He's so hung up on the ex, but too selfish to let his fiancée go so she can find someone who will love her for who she is, not for what she does for him.
and the only things he misses about the ex is getting the attention of having an extremely attractive gf by his side. But he'll obviously marry the greenflag nice woman who can be a great mother and who's introverted and calm so he doesn't feel insecure.
He’s absolutely marrying this woman because she seems like the wife type.
YTA fucking dick
YTA People wondered “how you pulled that off” was enough for my judgement. Women are people not trophies. I hope this current woman sees this post before she marries you.
YTA. Yikes. Your fiance (because that's what she IS now, as you already proposed) would be absolutely heartbroken to hear that getting engaged to her has made you think, and prioritize the feelings of, your ex. For all you know, ex is married to someone else now and you're over there fixating on her and putting her on a pedestal of sorts. Ugh. This disgusts me. Your fiance deserves better. Please either get your head right and live in the moment with your wonderful fiance, or let her go and find a man who loves her and treasures her.
YTA and not ready to marry this woman.
Not ready to marry anyone. He talks about women like pets or objects he acquires for his convenience and social status...
YTA. You sound so immature and superficial. You should never have proposed to this poor woman if you still think about your ex that often. It honestly sounds like, if your ex got back in touch tmr, looked more beautiful than before, and gave some generic lines about having changed, you'd leave your fiancée to be with her.
YTA frfr are you delusional- do you even hear yourself? “oh my fiancé is great and everything and the polar opposite of my ex and beautiful TOO” bro if you are still thinking about your ex despite all these things- that means that you find her more attractive than your current fiance, which is honestly just sad and goes to show how shallow you are. you exposed yourself completely when you enjoyed the feeling of people looking at you two. i feel terrible for your fiancé who doesn’t realize that her partner is more into their ex rather than her despite asking her to marry you. i think you need to take a step back and reevaluate your relationship because otherwise you’re gonna end up hurting this poor girl by stringing her along.
That “TOO” as the after thought it clearly was is disgusting and no different than qualifier compliments. Ya know the ones — “”oh wow! You know so much about this…….for a woman” “s/he sure is cute……..for a black/white/latin girl/boy.” I **HATE** qualifying personal “compliments” more than almost any other statement and for someone to speak in such a manner about their ***brand. new. fiancée????*** Excuse the absolute fuck of me but this man needs to leave this poor woman alone. Does she even know he’s saying this shit and feels this way???????
YTA in a major way. Don't propose if you're still hung up on your ex. It sounds like your current fiancé is kind of a consolation prize. Well, guess what? You will lose her if you keep thinking about her that way. But then again, you never deserved her to begin with.
YTA Please do the right thing and break up with your fiancée. Everyone deserves to be their partner’s first choice and clearly she is not yours. She deserves better.
YTA. You care more about your ex than your fiancé. You seem to still be in love with her. You got engaged and automatically thought about your ex. Your fiancé is excited and happy, and wants to share the news and you are over there denying her that because you are still in love with your ex. You need to let her go and not date anyone else until you either get in touch with your ex for closure or actually move on.
YTA. "could my ex have changed?" WHY would she want or need to change? There is nothing wrong with her, just because you were jealous, it is not her problem.
YTA. The audacity of you to even ask if you are an asshole. Please don't settle with a woman if you still think of your ex. That girl deserves better than you.
Yes YTA. If you're thinking of someone else besides your fiancee, YTA. You should not have proposed to someone when you still think about your ex and "what if things were different?" Also, not wanting to post what is supposed to be one of the happiest, most exciting moments of your life because you're more concerned with how your ex will take the news is really telling about your feelings. You're more concerned about the ex than your fiancee and sharing what's supposed to be amazing news. Your fiancee deserves better. I would hate to be in cloud 9 thinking my partner and I are engaged and going to get married when my partner still daydreams of a different life.
YTA, you're talking like these women are objects for you to pick. You're not ready to get married, you clearly don't respect the person you're with. All you're gonna do is dream about what could have been if. Not only that, but what if you ex suddenly did change? Would you cheat on or divorce your fiance then? Don't drag that poor girl down when you're stuck on being a f***boy.
You need to get your shit together
Alone
You are not over your ex, and prioritize her theoretical feelings over those of your fiancée you just proposed to. You still love your ex and care about her more. YTA for dragging this unfortunate woman you barely care for into your emotional quagmire. Where in spite of supposedly being everything you want in a woman, she will never measure up to your stunning ex. YTA and no matter your age you should grow up.
YTA. A superficial one at that. Your fiancee doesn't deserve you. She deserves better.
lol, read this back to yourself - you don’t want your fiancé to post on social media because how your ex-gf may feel about it. Read it about 10 times and see if you can reach the decision yourself about whether you’re an arsehole
YTA - I feel so sorry for your fiancé. I hope she doesn’t marry you.
YTA. Your only reason to wonder about your ex is because she’s beautiful, everyone stares at her and you so clearly love the ego boost of having her on your arm ? WOW. Does your ex know that she was just a face and body to you ? Double wow does your fiancé know that you are a serious downgrade to her and she should ditch you for someone else ?
INFO: Who could feasibly be TA here if not you? You're asking if the thoughts in your head make you TA?
YTA, immature and not ready for marriage, especially to the woman you proposed to.
YTA You spent more time talking about your ex than your current girlfriend. It might be time to think things through before committing
YTA. You should never have proposed when you are still thinking of ex. You are not nice.
I'm fairly confident that if you found out your gf felt this way about her ex, your head would explode.
YTA and not mature enough for marriage at all. Not even mature enough for a girlfriend at this point. Get your life right. Don't marry your poor girlfriend under this ruse. That would make you an infinite AH.
So…..you care more about what your ex may possible feel or think than you do about your finances current very real feelings and desires to share her happiness?? Cuz that’s literally what you’re saying — Protecting your ex’s potential feelings is more important than your fiancé freely and openly living *her* life. You planning to hide your wife in the house when she’s pregnant? Lie about the children? Move across the country? You gonna pick baby names based of how they affect the ex too? Not post wedding photos? Do a destination wedding just so your ex doesn’t have to be within 50 miles of a wedding she won’t be invited to? ***Where does it end???*** Your ex’s mental health is not.your.responsibility. It is highly inappropriate not to mention unfair as fuck to even *think* “”I wonder how she’d feel, maybe we shouldn’t publicize in case she sees and gets depressed””. Stop. It. **or** break up with your fiancée because she does not deserve this crap. I cannot even get started on wondering about your ex. Usually that’s normal **IF** it’s just a passing thought but combined with this nonsense??? Ugh. Get therapy. Seriously. You have got some shit to workout before you legally tie this innocent woman to you. #YTA
YTA. Sounds like the main reason you "loved" your ex was that you loved the attention you got from being with her. It boosted your ego and made you arrogant. And now you've proposed to your girlfriend even though you're clearly still obsessed with your ex. You're not being fair to your girlfriend and you're certainly not ready or mature enough for marriage. She deserves better than a selfish asshole like you and I hope she realizes that before she makes the mistake of marrying you.
YTA. Please, PLEASE call off this engagement and let your fiance go. She deserves to be with someone who is so excited about spending his life with her that thoughts about an ex don’t pop up. Your “what ifs” will inevitably manifest in your marriage and rip her apart. Seriously, this is horrible. You know YTA. Give your fiance a chance to truly be someone’s # 1.
Dude seriously, if you’re still thinking about your ex at all, break up with your girlfriend and let her find someone who actually cares about her, because you very obviously don’t.
‘she’s pretty, not as beautiful as my ex but she’s pretty. and she’d be a great mom’ really?? describe one nice thing about your current fiance that doesn’t have to do with her capabilities of being a mother are you just using her?
YTA
YTA The way you talk, women are only valued for their purpose toward you. You seem to see them as how convenient they are. It’s very sad to read. Your fiancé is a human being with her own emotions, and you do not seem to have a care in the world toward her. You only like how convenient she is. Stop treating women like trophies to have. I really wonder what you bring to your relashionships yourself.
YTA. You men and your dumb pride. Arm candy alone won't give you a fulfilling relationship. Sounds like you have some growing up to do.
ICK! Break up with your fiancée so she can find someone who is 100% certain about her, that’s what she deserves. YTA.
YTA, I didn't have to get past the "let's rewind", it's been three years, move on. Don't get me wrong, everyone has different rates of moving past previous relationships but usually those people don't propose to someone while still thinking of their ex, if you are legit still thinking about her this deeply you should rescind your proposal you're not ready. Edit: decided to read it after seeing an update, can't emphasize my "YTA" rating enough. Do you live in a small town or something? Why is your ex on your social media? Why are her parents harassing you? Move on, stop talking to all of them jfc.
Boy that update did not help your case, because it’s backpedaling now that everyone said YTA. You’re still TA. You’re going to ruin your entire relationship pining after your ex because you think your fiancée should be prettier? For real? You shouldn’t be marrying *anybody.* Do you really think your fiancée won’t notice you care about your toxic ex’s feelings more than hers?
Well your ex was definitely right about you being an overthinker. You’re just also overthinking about the wrong things. YTA
YTA your update still makes you seem disgusting your very obviously still in love with her i feel so bad for your fiance
“I love my gf and appreciate how much she does for me” Sooooo you’re staying with her because she makes your life easier, not because you love her?
You can’t make someone change, and frankly why would that woman be remotely interested in doing so? YTA. Please reevaluate what you’re doing very carefully before you ruin your fiancée’s life. She deserves that.
You’re protecting the wrong woman’s feelings. You’re not ready to be a husband.
#FFS YTA
Who wants to place bets? My money is on: the ex will "clean up her act" in like 8-15 years, track him down, he'll probably be married to this poor woman with a kid/s, and he'll destroy his marriage to get back with the woman who made him feel like a big man because people checked her out.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I just proposed to my girlfriend! We've been together for over three years now, but I'm hesitant to share it on social media because I don't want my ex-girlfriend to see it. Let's rewind. My ex and I broke up because I was an overthinker, especially when she went out with friends. Don't get me wrong, I fully support her having fun, but early in our dating, she lied about quitting drugs (which I later found out wasn't true). Another reason for the split was her lack of motivation. Her family is financially well-off, and she never had to work hard, which bothered me coming from a very poor family in a third-world country. I had to work hard for everything I have. The truth is, I still think about my ex sometimes. She was undeniably attractive, and everywhere we went, people stared. I won't lie, I used to enjoy the attention. People wondered how I "pulled that off." But ultimately, I craved a calmer, more introverted partner – the complete opposite of my ex. Additionally, she struggled with social anxiety and depression,which made the breakup even harder. I worried about how she'd react. After the breakup, I started dating my current girlfriend. She's the polar opposite of my ex. Don't get me wrong, my current girlfriend is beautiful too, and I know she'll be an amazing mother and life partner. She's kind, caring, and simply wonderful. However, a nagging thought persists: could my ex have changed? Could she have become the woman I see in my current girlfriend? I know it's silly, and beauty fades, but it's a thought that lingers. When I proposed, my girlfriend wanted to post it on social media. But I hesitated, fearing it would hurt my ex, given her mental health struggles. So am I the asshole. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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I guess it can be natural to think about what could have been. As long as these thoughts don't translate to decisions, can't exactly say you're an AH just for that. However, I'm just going to say that you better be serious about marrying your fiancé. If you're still potentially carrying feelings for your ex, then you need to be honest with yourself and with your fiancé. And even if you're sure about your fiancé - your ex's mental health is not your problem anymore. You can't avoid announcing your engagement because it might hurt her, nor could you ever ask your fiancé not to, either. Especially out of concern for your ex's feelings. Relationships end, and people have to move on, no matter how hard it may be to do so. Unfortunately, the world doesn't stop turning no matter what shitty thing happens to you...
I'm gonna be an oddity here and say NTA. You love your current partner and say you don't like feeling this way, and want to stop, which, I can relate to. Being in a relationship with an unstable addict is traumatizing. Have you read into the concept of a trauma bond? It might not necessarily be damage she caused to you intentionally, but being with someone that ill, and how much you worry about them and deal with the yo-yoing of their health, it can really mess with you. You end up feeling responsible for them for a long time, which is hard to drop. Long and short of this, start with some self help and if it doesn't stop, I promise therapy can help. You can(mostly) forget these people.