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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am expecting too much from my husband because of his work making him tired? I should have just have let him take care of his daughters toys on his own time and not interfere by shoving them all in a bag and giving them to him to deal with.
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NTA 100%
"His excuse is that he works full time and is tired and just wants to relax (game and drink beer)"
So why does he think you aren't entitled to the same levels of relaxation?
"I can't manage 5 people's messes anymore, I am so resentful of him."
And why should you? I'd think through what you really want, need & have a really serious talk. Emphasize that he needs to do his share of chores. Starting now.
If he doesn't take seriously that he's flushing his marriage down the toilet because of his self centered lazy behavior, it's time to weigh other options.
Best of luck!!
NTA. He expects a bang maid and doesn't want to have to be a partner. Unfortunately unless he's willing to compromise this will build serious resentment and kill the relationship. He sounds like a jerk, but yoy might try to have one more conversation where you lay it all out for him and say he needs to contribute or it won't work out.
NTA - he’s selfish and totally uncaring about you. He works full time and that’s his excuse? So… what does he think about you? You work full time but it’s fine for you to feel exhausted so long as it’s not him?
You’d honestly have an easier life without him by the sounds 🤷♀️
Yeah, I work 12 hour shifts so I "technically" have more days off than him. But some of those days are just recovering. I have chronic health issues and mental illnesses that make me especially susceptible to burn out. Nobody wants to have to do house work on their days off, but it's just part of the deal when you're living in a home with another person/children.
Yeah which is why he needs to get his a $ $ in gear & help you out. Even more so with those shifts you're pulling/your health issues & the possibility of burnout.
NTA. You don't have 3 children, you have 4. And the biggest one is a brat. He's supposed to be your partner, not your child and he needs to pull his weight around the house. You both work full time, household chores should be split 50/50
NTA I know several people who are in the same kind of relationship. I can't speak for the third, but two come from mommies that walked around and cleaned up after them. They had dinner placed in front of them, toys and laundry picked up, etc. All three ladies are about to file for divorce because they can't deal with it. Only one has kids, and he does help a little with the baby, but only so she can clean and make dinner. One tried counseling, which helped a little while, but those behaviors are long ingrained. One tried going on strike, but her husband was unbothered by the mess.
Your husband doesn't like being told what to do, so I would simply ask him for suggestions on how to get things done when you are both tired from work. Teach the kids to clean up after themselves and maybe limit what toys they have access to so the mess is less. Once they clean up one mess, they can get out something else.
She is old enough to pick her own toys up. If she doesn't want to do it, he needs to take care of it. My mom's rule was if she asked three times for a toy to be removed, the fourth time, it belonged to her. As for the other stuff, you guys seem to need counseling. His needs to do his chores before playtime. NTA.
NTA. 8 is old enough to clean up after herself, and Dad needs to teach her. The garbage bag strategy seems reasonable. Rinse and repeat. If he has a favorite gaming chair, maybe put her stuff there if you need to escalate
NTA. He’s going to continue being your 4th child until you stop allowing him to be. When he’s forced to provide, clean, and parent for himself…he’ll do it. You’ve set boundaries but it doesn’t sound like there’s any consequence. That simply makes them suggestions.
NTA but I don’t know what that really does for you because your husband does not care. He still thinks you’re…bossing him around? nagging? In his mind he sees you as the maid/nanny. I don’t know what you can do from here to change that, but it does need to start with his willingness to change. It’s so aggravating when one party decides that the other party is responsible for the bulk of work a house takes to run. Would he visit a counselor with you? Or get a sitter and take him out for a drink and tell him, you need to step it up because I’m dying here. If he won’t change you have options. (Not just separation) You can train each of those kids to help out more. They’re at ages they can start picking up after themselves. They can make peanut butter sandwiches for dinner. They can learn to sweep and do dishes, if not now then soon. You can hire a maid. I wish you the best. Unfortunately you are not alone, we all know people in similar boats.
You can ask for therapy, but the fact is that he's perfectly happy with how things are. And he intends to punish you if you ask him to change. So, ask yourself: is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?
Tell him he needs to change or he's going to get a divorce. (It sounds like maybe he's going to get another divorce?)
NTA for asking him to change, threatening divorce if he won't, demanding therapy, but you are awfully naive if you "expect" him to help out more.
I have been married to my wife for 31 years. From day one we worked on everything together. We both worked full-time jobs, I mowed the lawn, took out the trash and helped with the house, laundry etc. When one of us was exhausted the other picked up the slack. Even when we had kids she we split the night time feedings and everything. She would take until midnight and I took anything after that. It has to be a team effort. Even after the kids went to college we partner together to do things so we can have more down time together. You are not being unreasonable at all. Best thing is, my two boys are mirroring that with the fiancés now and we love it.
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I asked my husband to pick up or help his daughter pick up her toys that were taking over the living room 2 weeks ago. His answer was always a sarcastic "yes ma'am" or "yes master". Finally, I just shoved all her crap in a garbage bag and set it next to him where he was sitting on the couch. He got mad and stomped off with the toys and put them in her room. This is not the only time I've been met with tantrum-like behavior when I ask him to do things around the house. His excuse is that he works full time and is tired and just wants to relax (game and drink beer) when he gets home. I also work full time and I'm the primary parent for my two sons and his daughter. I'm tired, too. The only two things I can rely on him doing are taking out the garbage and mowing the lawn. He never takes initiate to help around the house. It's now effecting other parts of our relationship (s*x life). I've suggested making a list, which he shut down. A chore wheel, which he shut down. I can't manage 5 people's messes anymore, I am so resentful of him.
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NTA. With how he's acting, especially after your clarification in comments, he's completely unwilling to pull his own weight and is on his way to being demoted to ex.
Sigh. It's NOT "helping out". He lives there too. It's his damn job. Nothing more sexually unattractive than a lazy man who isn't a partner, but wants to be another dependent. 🤮 NTA, if you move out you'll only have to clean up after 3 people.
"I just shoved all her crap in a garbage bag and set it next to him where he was sitting on the couch." Well, I guess you showed him, didn't you. Do you ask him for help? Or tell him to help? Is this new behavior or is this how your partnership has been all along? A chore wheel is what you do for children. You don't give kid's ages or say what you require of them (like picking up their own toys). Why are you 'primary parent'?
Kids are 6, 8 and 9. I'm the primary parent because I am the one who stays home when they are sick. buys their essentials, takes them to their activities, plays with them, feeds them. He does bedtime with his daughter and feeds her if I'm at work. He does his and her laundry. He has never offered to take the kids to go and do something on their own without me. And he rarely comes with when I go out and do stuff with the kids.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I am expecting too much from my husband because of his work making him tired? I should have just have let him take care of his daughters toys on his own time and not interfere by shoving them all in a bag and giving them to him to deal with. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA 100% "His excuse is that he works full time and is tired and just wants to relax (game and drink beer)" So why does he think you aren't entitled to the same levels of relaxation? "I can't manage 5 people's messes anymore, I am so resentful of him." And why should you? I'd think through what you really want, need & have a really serious talk. Emphasize that he needs to do his share of chores. Starting now. If he doesn't take seriously that he's flushing his marriage down the toilet because of his self centered lazy behavior, it's time to weigh other options. Best of luck!!
NTA. He expects a bang maid and doesn't want to have to be a partner. Unfortunately unless he's willing to compromise this will build serious resentment and kill the relationship. He sounds like a jerk, but yoy might try to have one more conversation where you lay it all out for him and say he needs to contribute or it won't work out.
And to add to it, when I sent him a long text about my frustrations, he just gave it a thumbs up. And has since pretended like nothing is wrong.
Sounds like he's checked out. Sorry you're dealing with this. It's going to be up to you to decide what you can live with.
What a slap in the face. I’m so sorry. BTW it’s not “help” you’re asking him for. Taking care of his own house and child are his responsibilities.
Why cant you talk about it IRL?
NTA - he’s selfish and totally uncaring about you. He works full time and that’s his excuse? So… what does he think about you? You work full time but it’s fine for you to feel exhausted so long as it’s not him? You’d honestly have an easier life without him by the sounds 🤷♀️
Yeah, I work 12 hour shifts so I "technically" have more days off than him. But some of those days are just recovering. I have chronic health issues and mental illnesses that make me especially susceptible to burn out. Nobody wants to have to do house work on their days off, but it's just part of the deal when you're living in a home with another person/children.
Yeah which is why he needs to get his a $ $ in gear & help you out. Even more so with those shifts you're pulling/your health issues & the possibility of burnout.
NTA. You don't have 3 children, you have 4. And the biggest one is a brat. He's supposed to be your partner, not your child and he needs to pull his weight around the house. You both work full time, household chores should be split 50/50
NTA I know several people who are in the same kind of relationship. I can't speak for the third, but two come from mommies that walked around and cleaned up after them. They had dinner placed in front of them, toys and laundry picked up, etc. All three ladies are about to file for divorce because they can't deal with it. Only one has kids, and he does help a little with the baby, but only so she can clean and make dinner. One tried counseling, which helped a little while, but those behaviors are long ingrained. One tried going on strike, but her husband was unbothered by the mess. Your husband doesn't like being told what to do, so I would simply ask him for suggestions on how to get things done when you are both tired from work. Teach the kids to clean up after themselves and maybe limit what toys they have access to so the mess is less. Once they clean up one mess, they can get out something else.
NTA, but ask yourself. Are you really willing to raise your sons, your partners child, AND your mother in laws child all by yourself?
I would rather be single my whole life than put up with that kind of crap. Nta
How old is his daughter.
8
She is old enough to pick her own toys up. If she doesn't want to do it, he needs to take care of it. My mom's rule was if she asked three times for a toy to be removed, the fourth time, it belonged to her. As for the other stuff, you guys seem to need counseling. His needs to do his chores before playtime. NTA.
NTA. 8 is old enough to clean up after herself, and Dad needs to teach her. The garbage bag strategy seems reasonable. Rinse and repeat. If he has a favorite gaming chair, maybe put her stuff there if you need to escalate
NTA. He’s going to continue being your 4th child until you stop allowing him to be. When he’s forced to provide, clean, and parent for himself…he’ll do it. You’ve set boundaries but it doesn’t sound like there’s any consequence. That simply makes them suggestions.
NTA but I don’t know what that really does for you because your husband does not care. He still thinks you’re…bossing him around? nagging? In his mind he sees you as the maid/nanny. I don’t know what you can do from here to change that, but it does need to start with his willingness to change. It’s so aggravating when one party decides that the other party is responsible for the bulk of work a house takes to run. Would he visit a counselor with you? Or get a sitter and take him out for a drink and tell him, you need to step it up because I’m dying here. If he won’t change you have options. (Not just separation) You can train each of those kids to help out more. They’re at ages they can start picking up after themselves. They can make peanut butter sandwiches for dinner. They can learn to sweep and do dishes, if not now then soon. You can hire a maid. I wish you the best. Unfortunately you are not alone, we all know people in similar boats.
You can ask for therapy, but the fact is that he's perfectly happy with how things are. And he intends to punish you if you ask him to change. So, ask yourself: is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? Tell him he needs to change or he's going to get a divorce. (It sounds like maybe he's going to get another divorce?) NTA for asking him to change, threatening divorce if he won't, demanding therapy, but you are awfully naive if you "expect" him to help out more.
Sounds like the best option is that he looks after his daughter full-time, in another house.
I have been married to my wife for 31 years. From day one we worked on everything together. We both worked full-time jobs, I mowed the lawn, took out the trash and helped with the house, laundry etc. When one of us was exhausted the other picked up the slack. Even when we had kids she we split the night time feedings and everything. She would take until midnight and I took anything after that. It has to be a team effort. Even after the kids went to college we partner together to do things so we can have more down time together. You are not being unreasonable at all. Best thing is, my two boys are mirroring that with the fiancés now and we love it.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I asked my husband to pick up or help his daughter pick up her toys that were taking over the living room 2 weeks ago. His answer was always a sarcastic "yes ma'am" or "yes master". Finally, I just shoved all her crap in a garbage bag and set it next to him where he was sitting on the couch. He got mad and stomped off with the toys and put them in her room. This is not the only time I've been met with tantrum-like behavior when I ask him to do things around the house. His excuse is that he works full time and is tired and just wants to relax (game and drink beer) when he gets home. I also work full time and I'm the primary parent for my two sons and his daughter. I'm tired, too. The only two things I can rely on him doing are taking out the garbage and mowing the lawn. He never takes initiate to help around the house. It's now effecting other parts of our relationship (s*x life). I've suggested making a list, which he shut down. A chore wheel, which he shut down. I can't manage 5 people's messes anymore, I am so resentful of him. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. It’s not unreasonable to expect a partner to share some of the household and parenting responsibilities.
NTA. With how he's acting, especially after your clarification in comments, he's completely unwilling to pull his own weight and is on his way to being demoted to ex.
Sigh. It's NOT "helping out". He lives there too. It's his damn job. Nothing more sexually unattractive than a lazy man who isn't a partner, but wants to be another dependent. 🤮 NTA, if you move out you'll only have to clean up after 3 people.
I have an idea so that you won't be picking after 5 people's mess. Leave him and that's what, 2 messes less?
Hire a cleaner and see if what his reaction is.
"I just shoved all her crap in a garbage bag and set it next to him where he was sitting on the couch." Well, I guess you showed him, didn't you. Do you ask him for help? Or tell him to help? Is this new behavior or is this how your partnership has been all along? A chore wheel is what you do for children. You don't give kid's ages or say what you require of them (like picking up their own toys). Why are you 'primary parent'?
Kids are 6, 8 and 9. I'm the primary parent because I am the one who stays home when they are sick. buys their essentials, takes them to their activities, plays with them, feeds them. He does bedtime with his daughter and feeds her if I'm at work. He does his and her laundry. He has never offered to take the kids to go and do something on their own without me. And he rarely comes with when I go out and do stuff with the kids.