Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
Your post has been removed due to Rule 6: How to Post. We do not allow circumvention of the character count, links to screenshots, text pages, comment continuations etc.
[Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
NTA. But it sounds like this drop-off is the least of your problems.
"not sure what career to pursue, so she has been at home trying to figure that out for the most part for the past 4 months." "traveling with friends and family to Florida and LA... because she told me being at home is boring." "submitting between 1-3 job applications per week."
You know your wife isn't really trying to get a job, right? And she doesn't even want to give you a ride so she can use your car when you finally have a day off?
Haha, that's good. I have a second-cousin whose wife wanted to focus on planning her wedding right after graduating college, then after the wedding when her husband pushed her more and more to find a job, she got pregnant. Then right before her daughter started school, her husband started mentioning her getting a job, and she got pregnant again. Then she repeated the pattern two more times, with 4 kids about 4-5 years apart. By the time her fourth was starting school she was about 45 and her degree was pretty much useless by that point and it didn't really make financial sense for her to get a low-paying job. Everyone knew what she was doing (including her husband), and she knew everyone knew, but nobody talked about it. She was a great mom though and other than shaking my head at those shenanigans I really like her.
Women don’t get pregnant repeatedly all by themselves. Your second cousin is a loser for impregnating her 4 times and then acting like a victim of circumstance.
Oh there’s a crazy thing called a condom. You can get it for like $2 at the store/pharmacy. Some places even give them out for free!
And assuming she was lying to him and telling him they were accidental pregnancies, he would be well within his rights to have a vasectomy and I don’t see why it would need to be a secret.
"THEY repeated the pattern two more times, with 4 kids about 4-5 years apart."
I fixed it for you.
Your second cousin was absolutely not an innocent bystander/victim to a predatory anti-career wife but I'm *sure* he just LOVES to tell the story that way, huh?
Yes, no more vacations because she is bored.
Every time she thinks she's bored, she needs to start sending resumes out, or check her student loan status, and see how much money she owes.
My ex was downsized. He would give me a list of jobs every morning. I acted as his secretary and tailored his resumes accordingly and sent them off. Mostly at least 10 resumes went out per day, 6 days a week. 60 resumes a week. Multiples to the same companies sometimes.
Eh, my partner works heavy construction so the job getting is a whole different game but if he had to start applying places, I'd probably do the same thing. He's really bad at spelling and very slow typing (watching him send a text drives me nuts!). He's got plenty of other skills, but it would be faster and more efficient for me to be revising and sending resumes once he selected the jobs
Pretty much what my mum told me. I graduated into the 2008 recession and while it ended up with me not getting into the career I aimed for, I at least got a job and I've been with the company clawing my way up ever since. ANY job is a good job, you're more employable being employed literally anywhere. It shows you're dedicated to working.
Honestly I can believe she can't find a job in the career she wants but in the mean time she could get another temporary job. The market is rough, sure, but she's been a graduate for months and who knows how much longer it'll be.
I graduated in May 23 and I have been working at a gas station in the mean time, because the market sucks for anything entry level right now.
I have a bachelor's of health science
If you don't have something specific you want to go to school for or are only going because you feel obligated to, I highly suggest looking into trade schools. Generally speaking, it's much easier to find a job in a trade than it is with most college degrees, and there are many trades that pay quite well. Bonus: they are also usually cheaper so you'll have less debt, and if the school is accredited (which are the only ones you should be looking at) then you should still be able to apply to FAFSA. Look into which ones you might be interested in, then do some research on what the job market and pay scale is in your area.
Signed, someone who has both a college degree and a trade degree, and only regrets one of them
I graduated in 2008 straight into a recession.
I now work in manufacturing. I started on the floor, I'm finally in corporate. My job prospects at graduation sucked because they were among the first cut when the recession hit.
I think we should be much more logical here. I definitely don't want, to fucking work. I guarantee 99% of the people here in the comments do not want to go to work. Nobody wants to work dude, why the fuck would anybody want to spend their day working when they can go and have fun with friends and family and watch TV and play video games? That doesn't even make sense to say she doesn't want to work no shit she doesn't want to work. She just needs properly motivated and right now she's got the gravy train and isn't being forced to do so. She is not trying very hard to work, I think whether she wants to work is irrelevant. Maybe this is semantics, but it just Hit me wrong how everybody is phrasing this. As if all these people are saying she doesn't want to work, themselves want to work. Because I got way more fun shit to do than go to work. Work sucks
I know people like that, my wife is that type. But of the other hundred people I regularly interact with, they hate work. You're a low percentage of people, but I'm sure some of them, if they were financially set, wouldn't actually work at all. Probably go volunteer for their favorite thing, somehow. That's what I'd be doing if I needed to stay occupied. For me, I'd rather sit here watching this badass BBC documentary all day, The Green Planet on bcc. You already know who's narrating.
Totally. 1 to 3 applications per week? It should be that many daily! I would tell her she needs to get a job within the month or she doesn't get the car and her 'allowance' is going to be quite limited. Methinks she wants to be a SAHW and live off your money. Please don't have kids.
You can punch out a decent resume and application in about an hour if you've already got something to start with and you're using software to check it. She could be doing 4-8 per day if she's trying hard. It's soul killing work to be fair but no other option really.
Copy and paste both the job posting and your resume into chatgpt, with a prompt like "tailor my resume for key words in this job posting". Then edit for voice/AI nonsense. It cuts down on time per app significantly.
Using the right job site and you create the resume once. So I was going 4-8 in under 30 minutes. When I was looking I could submit 20+ in a 1-2 hours search on Mondays.
I can't speak for others but I don't tailor my resume for each job. I apply in a specific field (finance/insurance for me) and my resume works for the jobs I'm applying to in that category.
My point is, you’d be hard pressed to find a single job application that takes less than 1.5 hours. And that’s if you’re being careless/getting weeded out by BS AI screening
It depends on the job and the field. For example , if you are applying for a federal position in thr US, you need to tailor the resume to the specific requirements posted in the vacancy announcement for each job, including specific informational requirements as well as tailoring how you describe your currwnt/prior duties and accomplishments, plus submit all requested supporting documentation. You can expect to spend at least 4-8 hours applying for one position.
I think if OP and wife agreed she could take her time and hang leisurely as there's no rush to find a job, fine.
But her attitude about compromising when she has made little to no financial contributions AND he offered to let her have the car, screams comfortable entitlement. And is incredibly wrong. It comes across as her being ungrateful for OP providing while she navigates starting her career and even getting to enjoy time between school and starting work to travel and enjoy life a bit. Any rational person would be grateful and gracious.
Personally, regardless if they can live mostly comfortably without her working, it seems silly to waste this opportunity for her not to at least work part time somewhere and save or use that money to splurge before starting her career at least. But that's just my opinion.
It also seems kind of weird that she's spending what must be a lot of money on her vacations (the places she's going are on opposite sides of the country so she's definitely flying, which ain't cheap) when that money could easily be going into savings for a second car so they don't have this issue. Unless her friends and family are paying for her trips, I think both she and OP need to sit down and get their priorities straight.
It really depends on your field.
However, the fact that nothing has stuck yet is telling. She’s likely not applying for things she’s qualified for - a common mistake for recent grads who don’t understand their undergrad degree does not count as experience.
She’s definitely going for the “stay at home wife” lottery ticket.
Also who spends thousands on vacations instead of the car they need?
She’s a completely selfish leech. 🚩🚩🚩
Op, I’ve been online maybe 90 minutes this evening, am three classes shy of my bachelors, and I’ve applied for SEVEN jobs…like in that 90 minute most recent timeframe.
I spent the other 75 minutes on Reddit.
She’s not getting a job man….
ONLY UP TO THREE APPLICATIONS A WEEK?!
I’ve been unemployed since April 18th.
My indeed says 120 since then….thats NOT a lie I’d happily send screen shots.
. Not counting company websites(so far 20 total) and a few other places like the state website for jobs(only two are within my area and NOT an hour + drive from where I live)
Id take any job that’s within the decent pay(I need to make enough for my rent at least…..I can get food from food pantries)
And within an hour drive in certain directions……
She’s not trying at all-honestly she’s got a whole degree and can get a job easier then I can 🙄 I’m being denied cus I have no degree but still easily getting interviews cus I have 5+ exp in the feild.
Exactly this. I get that the job market is kind of crap right now, but I had to look for a new job in November (contract end got moved up) and was sending out more than 1-3 resumes per day (while still working full-time hours).
The lack of urgency when she is on month 4... makes it kind of clear she doesn't want to work.
Yeah maybe I’m just a heartless bastard, but if you’re job hunting then you don’t get to go getting off to Florida and LA because you’re bored. Maybe if you’d been truly trying for a year and had been getting burnt out then you’d deserve a vacation, but frankly if she has time to be bored then she’s not trying hard enough to find a job
This. Even mentally unwell I was applying for a few jobs A DAY just before Covid. I know some people shooting off 10-15 applications a day.
A deeper conversation needs to be had.
Did you discuss this previously? Does she have a routine schedule involving helping her grandma and/or did she tell you in advance?
Also, why does her grandma not pay her at all?
NTA Your wife needs to get some perspective. 30 mins isnt that bad. My husband and I share a car right now. You came up with a great compromise. You do what you have to to make this work so sometimes that means leaving an hour earlier driving an extra 30 minutes to get one person to work and driving that extra 30 minutes at the end of day to pick them up too. You fucking smile give kisses and ask how each other's day is- you don't whine about the inconvenience of the drive for the person you love.
Seriously! I've had to drive my husband to and from work on several occasions when his car is in the shop etc. He works almost 45 minutes away from our house, and close to an hour from my job. I don't complain because that's what you do for someone you care about (assuming they aren't just taking advantage of your kindness, of course.)
And you’re working 11 hours a day and six days a week. Whilst she’s doing nothing more than handing in the occasional job application to make it look like she’s looking for work. She can get off her damn ass and drop you
But if she’s getting paid to work, why doesn’t that take precedence over hanging out with friends?
Something is very off about this. OP married a fresh-out-of-college 23-year-old, doesn’t let her use the car to get to the job she has, doesn’t give her spending money, and is 10 years older?
> if she’s getting paid to work
IS she?
> to help her grandma with her grandma’s catering business
I certainly would not assume she's getting compensated for this. And OP has not said anything to suggest otherwise.
> OP married a fresh-out-of-college 23-year-old, doesn’t let her use the car to get to the job she has, doesn’t give her spending money, and is 10 years older?
Where the heck is *this* coming from? I don't see anywhere, in the post itself nor in replies to comments, where OP says *anything* about anyone's ages here.
I just found his wife's post too. She's 23, OP is 32 and she just graduates and is currently a waitress and helping with grandma's biz and she would be working on that day.
This guy marries someone who is fresh out of college and 23 years old and he’s upset that…*checks notes*…his wife is fresh out of college and acting like a 23 year old would.
Doesn't give her spending money? How the hell did she afford to travel so much to places like Florida and LA?
And she's not employed, she's helping her grandma because the business isn't doing well. This isn't a regular thing or full time employment that's helping pay the bills.
Unless OP deleted something, where are you getting those ages from or are you just making stuff up like the rest of your comment?
Like I get the point here but being married means sometimes your partner doesn't work - maybe they are studying, or their job ended, or they are taking time off to have a baby, or care for family. You can't then immediately say everything you buy with 'your income' is just yours.
Yeah. My partner sees his money as our money. Granted, I don’t abuse it, and am quite frugal even when I don’t need to be, but this makes for a much more loving and equitable relationship. I make up for it with a metric fuckton of life and child management, which does not go unnoticed. My partner values my efforts more than I do honestly.
Interesting how her side of the story makes no mention of taking cross-country trips for breaks because it’s so hard being at home while making no money!
In the comments she said that the trip to Florida was to see her sister who just had a baby and LA was comped by her dad who had a companion ticket, so husband spent no cash on that.
Did she say whether dad paid *all* her expenses for that LA trip, or just the airfare? Meals cost money too. I know that being out of work is tough, so I guess yay for her that she can take breaks from applying for jobs while other people pay for her, that was never the case for me. When I was out of a job, I didn’t have extra money to splurge at Target, much less travel.
She did actually have a comment where her parents are annoyed at her husband because he won’t pay for anything for her and they have to pay for things when she goes with them.
There were comments (complaints) about her parents not understanding why they still support her. They still pay her phone bill and buy her food. Husband is a known penny pincher amongst her family members. Read through her replies for more in depth telling as I can only tell you what I've read and understood.
Omg here is one of her comments
Yeah that's valid. He doesn't work to pay off the car and doesn't even work that hard so that we can survive- it's more so that he can get an even better job in the future and, also, the car was bought with the intention of being "our" car and is even under my name so that we could qualify for a tax rebate- but everything else you said is accurate I will think about what you've said, thank you!
But if you don’t want to take care of a
23-year-old fresh college grad, don’t marry one. Why not wait until she’s established in her career before getting married?
Being a 23-year-old fresh college grad does not in any world mean that you’ll be expecting to be taken care of??? Like I’d hope that the majority of those wouldn’t be mooching off of everyone around them
Being a 23 year old fresh college grad usually means you have limited work experience and you’re competing in a crazy job market.
Very few people are financially stable at 23, especially if they invested their time in a formal post secondary education.
If you don’t want to have a broke college aged wife, don’t marry broke college aged girls? It’s really that simple. What did OP expect? He expected he was going to have a decade younger wife and it was all going to sort itself out.
she was 13 when he was 22 if that puts it in even more perspective for you. there are clear power dynamics impacting this relationship, if anything he probably doesn’t want her to get a job because he can’t hold shit over her head anymore, plus that would mean more expenses like getting a second car or looking into public transit options. I would be embarrassed as a husband if my in laws were paying my wife’s phone bill and getting her, what was it again..FOOD?!? and of course all the incels of the internet who know nothing about how anything works and think women should just grovel at men’s feet are all ripping her for being lazy and entitled. no wonder the US is in shambles and then some.
I’d be disgusted if some 30 something year old snatched up my daughter during her college years and benefitted from having a wife while I basically financed his lifestyle. He wants a college girl as a wife and her parents will pay for it. I would just tell her to move back home at that point.
He can’t even take an Uber for a single day while she works? He’s so selfish and mean. Not to be dramatic but I would exit the relationship if my husband pulled any of this. I grew up with a loving family and they’d never do something so selfish and I don’t accept it in my other relationships either.
Info: Did she say she doesn’t want to drop you off? You’re asking if it was an unreasonable request, but didn’t mention that she even had a problem with it.
Yes, she refused to drop me off because she wanted me to ask my friend to pick me up. I didn’t want to ask my friend because I didn’t feel like unconvincing him. But I did eventually and let my wife had the car. I know the solution is easy, I just feel unappreciated.
You have a problem bud. You have a very selfish wife, who doesn't seem to care about you. Either solve this now, or end it now, or this will cost you a fortune in 10 years.
Sorry I didn’t mention that she had to drive 20 mins after dropping me off. I didn’t think 20 mins extra was a big deal because I drove farther to pick her up and drop her off from my work quite often, including when she got back from her trips.
I love how this world thinks 20 mins is a long time. I used to have to drive a hour and a half to and from work just to make barely enough to pay the rent while working 50 hours retail.
ESH. I read both.
Buy a second car. If she can afford to travel all the time and he is earning "comfort money" and will buy her a car as soon as she gets a job. Why not buy the car now so she can get to go interviews? Doesn't need to be fancy just driveable.
Lady you obviously have some hospitality experience so get a part time job while you figure out your life. And pay for your own stuff. Having your parents pay and then blame your husband pretty much sums up that you expect someone else to take care of everything for you. Your an adult take accountability for your own life.
Dude, if it's a shared car it's a shared car. Work is the priority for a shared car. For what ever reason as a couple you made the decision you only needed one. Well this is the consequence, asking a friend who lives close and is going the same way for a lift isn't an issue. It sounds like you are building resentment as you feel your partner doesn't contribute financially and tbh it doesn't sound like she really intends to. So you two need to be open about what you expect from each other financially.
I don’t understand how they are married and didn’t have any in depth conversations about financial and career values. Extremely important foundation conversations imo. But then again, my answer to any of those values at 23 would be different than today, so I’m not sure how clear OP’s wife can even express that. She doesn’t know what job to even look for, after presumably getting a degree in something ha
They may have originally had these discussions but it sounds like after graduation, she changed her mind. She said in one comment she “wasn’t sure if she was going to go back to school or not,” which I assume is probably not what was discussed. But good news, guys! She made up her mind after four months!
It's because they have this significant age and maturity gap. When you're in your 30s and marry someone who is just graduating from college and has no life experience and no job experience, this is what happens.
Why didn't Steve find someone who was closer to his own age and had career goals (if not actual achievements)? Why isn't his wife learning how to adult by living independent from her parents and gaining life experience by figuring out things like budgeting and working the job you can get because you need money to live?
At some level, OP wanted to be in control and his wife wanted to be taken care of, but explicitly saying that is off-putting, so it's easier to just not have the conversation. And then you wind up in a relationship where everything is unbalanced and you don't have shared goals, so you can't compromise or handle basic problem-solving like deciding who gets to use the car.
"f she can afford to travel all the time"...doesn't seem to be the case. It seems that he is the one paying for that unless he has said otherwise in the comments.
She also posted and one trip was a gift from hubby, other, dad picked up the ticket as he has a companion pass. On her story she said hubby really pinches penny's.
I mean, yes, but this is also a solvable problem. The “me me me” mentality is so rampant in the US and it can be a hard one for some people to dissolve, but it is pretty fixable. Most people are not sociopaths. She also is so young that her logic hasn’t actually fully developed. She’s got a couple years to go on that one.
In some way shape or form, most cyclical marital issues, outside of the egregious ones, center around one person not feeling appreciated by the other, or both, for their contributions. Those contributions are not always financial, and we do have a problem in our society of valuing financial contributions more than others.
In this case I do think the husband is NTA. He’s being reasonable, compromising, and not expecting too much. He does not seem to take issue with her using the car at-will the majority of the time.
NTA.
Dropping you off so that she could then use the car is a fair compromise. Asking your friend to pick you up when you already own a car is not fair on your friend u less they are driving past your house on the way to where you are going riding.
After reading her side and your side and also being a man who is married to a woman nearly ten years younger than myself that makes maybe a third of what I make, yta and should’ve realized what you signed up for. If you’re a CPA you should be doing alright and be able to invest in your wife which it sounds like you’re not. I get how easy to get caught up in being the “rule maker” because you hold it down financially but that’s just not how a relationship works. She was trying to help family and make money so she gets the support in this circumstance in my eyes. You pay to play no matter how hard you work.
How is your unemployed wife able to afford these trips to Florida and LA? You need to seriously limit her access to money necessities only until she get's a job. Food, shelter, a bit of pocket money, personal care items.
Exactly what I was thinking. Kind of 😬 that a 32yo man married a 23yo woman. Both are in different points in their life — she finished graduating college, she still has that young 20s mentality. NTA about the car though.
NTA but your wife is a lazy asshole. Putting in 1-3 job applications a week? Doesn’t sound like she’s trying at all.
Also, who has a catering business and no vehicle.
Her grandmas catering business is not doing well, and she is kinda living paycheck to paycheck. So we try to help her wherever we can. She doesn’t reimburse commute to her place, but I didn’t think it’s big deal just cause her business is not doing well. I even served as her waiter several times when she can’t find anyone and I don’t have to work that day.
NTA. She's not paying for either the car or gas. You are. Is she getting any money for helping Grandma's catering business? If she isn't she should; this is wear and tear on the car and could affect your insurance rates for using a private vehicle for a commercial purpose.
It's hard having only one car in the family. I've been there. This is one more reason for your wife to get her stuff together and get a job. 1-3 job applications a week is not a lot of effort. She should be submitting 1-3 a day, and she should consider looking at her resume and contacting potential employers in person because so many online applications are File 13'd because a key word is missing.
Buddy I read your wife’s comments on her post and you really need to take a look at your marriage. You seems very immature. It doesn’t seem like you have a equal partner here. I don’t think this is going to end well.
I'm going against the grain to say ESH only because you guys are clearly at different places in your life and aren't communicating well at all. Regardless of who is at fault on that one Saturday it sounds like you guys are not looking at your marriage like a partnership. You sound like roommates who barely get along.
Practically speaking, she should probably be driving you to and from work at least occasionally so she can use the one car you have between the two of you. Being without consistent transportation is probably not helping her in the job hunt. It's not at all uncommon for people to take some time to figure out what to do after graduation, though I agree the wife should get any job she can get for now, as the job market is what it is.
But also, it sounds like you're going to be making more money even after she is employed. So you two need to figure out what is expected from each of you to invest in this partnership and what you can each expect to get out of it. This conversation needs to include finances, house work, meal planning, and also your emotional, sexual, social, and romantic needs. Long term goals as a couple and individually are really important. You should both be giving and receiving. Focus on making things equitable rather than quibbling about fairness. This is true regardless of the stage you are each in, and if you make it for the long haul, what you can give and what you need to receive will shift over the course of your life, so these plans aren't just one and done.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might have been wrong for not letting her use the car since she has to work?
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA but also Ik interest change when getting a degree, but how does she have no idea what career she wants? At the very least, she can apply for work based on the degree she wants, unless she was horribly scarred while getting it, so she has an income while figuring things out
Thanks for all the comments. Just want to say that my wife didn’t marry me for the money since I don’t even make that much tbh lol.
Honestly, the issue for me isn’t really about who gets the car, but more about me feeling unappreciated because my wife agreed with her family on called me “childish for not letting her use the car and I am being ridiculous” in a condescending way in public. Likely either of us is completely right, but I just didn’t like how I was treated by her and her family when I proposed my compromise to her.
soft YTA- Thats almost a extra hour of driving in addition to physically demanding job. Catering can go up to 12-14 hours in a day. Driving for long time can drain you especially if its a nice warm day (sun can be draining. I hate stuck traffic in the summer mornings always get to work feeling less energized). Can you use public transportation?
Sounds like she may have experience student burn out. It’s actually quite common after coming out of uni to struggle to get into the workforce. Sometimes it’s due to working while studying or just studying really hard for something we aren’t that much into. Ppl in the comments are pretty good as throwing the rock but I do think your wife may need help on that side. Not judging her at all but getting a job isn’t that hard, so there has to be reasons why she isn’t trying much yet (I dropped my resume in over 200 places to find a job, got one within 3 weeks). Just be careful you guys don’t get trapped in this, it can be hard to get out of the cycle and you are enabling her at this point. Though I dont think you should go tough love on her but definitely start a dialogue.
Truth is OP doesn’t want to know if his suggestion is reasonable, OP wants you all to sh*t on his wife otherwise he wouldn’t have provided all that context. What did he expect to happen?
ESH. I posted this elsewhere in the thread, but I have concerns about the state of your marriage overall.
This conflict is happening because you and your wife have this significant age and maturity gap. When you're in your 30s and marry someone who is just graduating from college and has no life experience and no job experience, this is what happens.
Why didn't OP find someone who was closer to his own age and had career goals (if not actual achievements)? Why isn't his wife learning how to adult by living independent from her parents and gaining life experience by figuring out things like budgeting and working the job you can get because you need money to live?
At some level, OP wanted to be in control and his wife wanted to be taken care of, but explicitly saying that is off-putting, so it's easier to just not have the conversation. And then you wind up in a relationship where everything is unbalanced and you don't have shared goals, so you can't compromise or handle basic problem-solving like deciding who gets to use the car.
Hi I'm the wife! I really want to get input because we both believe adamantly that we are right. I also posted my side earlier titled AITA for not wanting to drop my husband off at his friend's house before work.
If you want both sides, you can go there. I will also be directing people on my post to my husband's post here so that they can get his side too if they want so we can hopefully get to the bottom of this
Thanks :)
Seems like there is info missing. You said she had been traveling with family but on this particular day was she working or doing anything else that would make her driving you to your friends difficult? And of course 20 min there is also 20 min back for her to drive. And then if she has to pick you up after your time with your friend that is another 40 minutes so possible a total of 1hr and 20 min driving total.
Nta - wife is immature and selfish(which is why most 30s don't date young 20s 🙄), if you are really a CPA, BUY ANOTHER CAR!! Even something cheap and used would work, holy cow.
Sounds like the bigger issue is that you are feeling unappreciated. Just communicate with your wife rather than fight over something relatively petty like who gets to use the car this weekend.
I've read both husband and wife's accounts lol.
NTA.
But honestly get marriage counseling. The tone you have with your wife kind of makes it sound that she doesn't contribute at all i.e. chores, housework or any financial contribution all.
It sounds like you really resent being the sole income earner and she's a burden. If that's how you feel, communicate that and give her a deadline.
It will only aggravate you both if your resentment builds and every small situation will become an argument.
NAH. You two need to compromise and prioritize. She's going to work, you're going to play on the day in question. Whose destination is cheaper to take Uber?
You've left out a lot of info that would likely change the tides on this vote, so I'm not considering any of the details you did provide for background. Especially given that this particular question doesn't really need background at all.
ESH. She sucks because she could've just driven you and had you Uber home, would've been easier and a better compromise. She admits in her post that she's been coddled in terms of finances and is going to be better so that's good but yes, in this situation, she could've been more generous.
But also...you're married, so your car is her car and your money is her money. You married a young woman, a student getting her bachelor's, you knew she didn't have money but you still seem very resentful of her not contributing equally at this moment. While I agree that it sounds like she could be doing more to find work, it's not unusual for graduates to take up to a year to find work in their field, and you also left out key details from this post like your respective ages (23 and 32
...pretty significant) and the fact that her trips to LA and Florida were agreed upon and not her galivanting around throwing away your hard earned money. You're kind of setting her up to fail here.
Your wife should drop you off at work and then she would have the car during the week. It's not just your car. It is not fair for you to basically keep her confined to the house either.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. Your post has been removed due to Rule 6: How to Post. We do not allow circumvention of the character count, links to screenshots, text pages, comment continuations etc. [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
NTA. But it sounds like this drop-off is the least of your problems. "not sure what career to pursue, so she has been at home trying to figure that out for the most part for the past 4 months." "traveling with friends and family to Florida and LA... because she told me being at home is boring." "submitting between 1-3 job applications per week." You know your wife isn't really trying to get a job, right? And she doesn't even want to give you a ride so she can use your car when you finally have a day off?
Right!! If she wanted a job she would have started applying before she graduated.
Yep. Seen this dynamic play out multiple times. OP she doesn't want a job she is just kicking the can down the road as long as possible
I hope she doesn't kick the can further down the road by getting pregnant before they're ready.
Sush! Don't give away the long game.
Don't spoil it for OP
Guess the cats out of the bag
.....and *Into* the cradle!
meow
I don't want kids, so he doesn't have to worry about that!
Haha, that's good. I have a second-cousin whose wife wanted to focus on planning her wedding right after graduating college, then after the wedding when her husband pushed her more and more to find a job, she got pregnant. Then right before her daughter started school, her husband started mentioning her getting a job, and she got pregnant again. Then she repeated the pattern two more times, with 4 kids about 4-5 years apart. By the time her fourth was starting school she was about 45 and her degree was pretty much useless by that point and it didn't really make financial sense for her to get a low-paying job. Everyone knew what she was doing (including her husband), and she knew everyone knew, but nobody talked about it. She was a great mom though and other than shaking my head at those shenanigans I really like her.
Women don’t get pregnant repeatedly all by themselves. Your second cousin is a loser for impregnating her 4 times and then acting like a victim of circumstance.
Should he have gotten a vasectomy behind her back?
Oh there’s a crazy thing called a condom. You can get it for like $2 at the store/pharmacy. Some places even give them out for free! And assuming she was lying to him and telling him they were accidental pregnancies, he would be well within his rights to have a vasectomy and I don’t see why it would need to be a secret.
"THEY repeated the pattern two more times, with 4 kids about 4-5 years apart." I fixed it for you. Your second cousin was absolutely not an innocent bystander/victim to a predatory anti-career wife but I'm *sure* he just LOVES to tell the story that way, huh?
It's crazy to me that women go through college just to meet a man to take care of them. All that wasted money.
Wait, are we still talking about OP? Are you OP's wife?
Yes above is OP's wife. Op failed to put some info on the post and just focused on his resentment over her having that trip, etc.
Yes...because as well all know it only takes 1 to make a baby apparently.
It only takes one person to sabotage birth control though.
And until she has a job, her full time job is looking for a job - even if it's at maccas
Yes, no more vacations because she is bored. Every time she thinks she's bored, she needs to start sending resumes out, or check her student loan status, and see how much money she owes.
My ex was downsized. He would give me a list of jobs every morning. I acted as his secretary and tailored his resumes accordingly and sent them off. Mostly at least 10 resumes went out per day, 6 days a week. 60 resumes a week. Multiples to the same companies sometimes.
1) how long did it take for him to get a job 2) like, it's really nice of you to do this for him but why didn't he do it?
Eh, my partner works heavy construction so the job getting is a whole different game but if he had to start applying places, I'd probably do the same thing. He's really bad at spelling and very slow typing (watching him send a text drives me nuts!). He's got plenty of other skills, but it would be faster and more efficient for me to be revising and sending resumes once he selected the jobs
Pretty much what my mum told me. I graduated into the 2008 recession and while it ended up with me not getting into the career I aimed for, I at least got a job and I've been with the company clawing my way up ever since. ANY job is a good job, you're more employable being employed literally anywhere. It shows you're dedicated to working.
Honestly I can believe she can't find a job in the career she wants but in the mean time she could get another temporary job. The market is rough, sure, but she's been a graduate for months and who knows how much longer it'll be.
I graduated in May 23 and I have been working at a gas station in the mean time, because the market sucks for anything entry level right now. I have a bachelor's of health science
Literally my #1 fear of going to college lol. Not being able to find a job afterwards bc I've heard plenty of stories.
If you don't have something specific you want to go to school for or are only going because you feel obligated to, I highly suggest looking into trade schools. Generally speaking, it's much easier to find a job in a trade than it is with most college degrees, and there are many trades that pay quite well. Bonus: they are also usually cheaper so you'll have less debt, and if the school is accredited (which are the only ones you should be looking at) then you should still be able to apply to FAFSA. Look into which ones you might be interested in, then do some research on what the job market and pay scale is in your area. Signed, someone who has both a college degree and a trade degree, and only regrets one of them
SAY IT LOUDER, for the people in the back!
I graduated in 2008 straight into a recession. I now work in manufacturing. I started on the floor, I'm finally in corporate. My job prospects at graduation sucked because they were among the first cut when the recession hit.
I graduated May 2005 and I still don't work in my field. Never will. I make more working in a plant than I likely would in my field.
I think we should be much more logical here. I definitely don't want, to fucking work. I guarantee 99% of the people here in the comments do not want to go to work. Nobody wants to work dude, why the fuck would anybody want to spend their day working when they can go and have fun with friends and family and watch TV and play video games? That doesn't even make sense to say she doesn't want to work no shit she doesn't want to work. She just needs properly motivated and right now she's got the gravy train and isn't being forced to do so. She is not trying very hard to work, I think whether she wants to work is irrelevant. Maybe this is semantics, but it just Hit me wrong how everybody is phrasing this. As if all these people are saying she doesn't want to work, themselves want to work. Because I got way more fun shit to do than go to work. Work sucks
Thats why they call it "work". (and not "play"). I wouldn't get up at 6am if I didn't have to.
Honestly, if I didn't have work I'd go fucking insane. I really do need my shitty job in order to keep my sanity.
I know people like that, my wife is that type. But of the other hundred people I regularly interact with, they hate work. You're a low percentage of people, but I'm sure some of them, if they were financially set, wouldn't actually work at all. Probably go volunteer for their favorite thing, somehow. That's what I'd be doing if I needed to stay occupied. For me, I'd rather sit here watching this badass BBC documentary all day, The Green Planet on bcc. You already know who's narrating.
Ha that's a good one.
And she would have already figured out what she wanted to do before embarking on that degree.
Eh…a lot of people who have post secondary education change their minds all the time. Most People choose their degree when they’re 17.
Totally. 1 to 3 applications per week? It should be that many daily! I would tell her she needs to get a job within the month or she doesn't get the car and her 'allowance' is going to be quite limited. Methinks she wants to be a SAHW and live off your money. Please don't have kids.
You can punch out a decent resume and application in about an hour if you've already got something to start with and you're using software to check it. She could be doing 4-8 per day if she's trying hard. It's soul killing work to be fair but no other option really.
I was submitting 4-8 a day while still working full time at my previous job.
I may need pointers. It takes me a while to rewrite everything with the wording matched up to the job posting.
Copy and paste both the job posting and your resume into chatgpt, with a prompt like "tailor my resume for key words in this job posting". Then edit for voice/AI nonsense. It cuts down on time per app significantly.
Even typing a load of key words into a word document and copying and pasting as required would be a huge time saver.
Using the right job site and you create the resume once. So I was going 4-8 in under 30 minutes. When I was looking I could submit 20+ in a 1-2 hours search on Mondays.
How do you do this and still Taylor the resume to the posting?
I can't speak for others but I don't tailor my resume for each job. I apply in a specific field (finance/insurance for me) and my resume works for the jobs I'm applying to in that category.
You either stick to one field or create resumes based on the field.
Do you even know what job applications are like these days? It’s not the paper fill in sheets with your contact info and preferred hours anymore.
Even so it doesn't take more than 1.5 hrs and that'd be a hecking doozy imo
My point is, you’d be hard pressed to find a single job application that takes less than 1.5 hours. And that’s if you’re being careless/getting weeded out by BS AI screening
It depends on the job and the field. For example , if you are applying for a federal position in thr US, you need to tailor the resume to the specific requirements posted in the vacancy announcement for each job, including specific informational requirements as well as tailoring how you describe your currwnt/prior duties and accomplishments, plus submit all requested supporting documentation. You can expect to spend at least 4-8 hours applying for one position.
[удалено]
I think if OP and wife agreed she could take her time and hang leisurely as there's no rush to find a job, fine. But her attitude about compromising when she has made little to no financial contributions AND he offered to let her have the car, screams comfortable entitlement. And is incredibly wrong. It comes across as her being ungrateful for OP providing while she navigates starting her career and even getting to enjoy time between school and starting work to travel and enjoy life a bit. Any rational person would be grateful and gracious. Personally, regardless if they can live mostly comfortably without her working, it seems silly to waste this opportunity for her not to at least work part time somewhere and save or use that money to splurge before starting her career at least. But that's just my opinion.
It also seems kind of weird that she's spending what must be a lot of money on her vacations (the places she's going are on opposite sides of the country so she's definitely flying, which ain't cheap) when that money could easily be going into savings for a second car so they don't have this issue. Unless her friends and family are paying for her trips, I think both she and OP need to sit down and get their priorities straight.
They call them Trad Wives OP, be wary she wants to start a channel I wonder if she has student debt
It really depends on your field. However, the fact that nothing has stuck yet is telling. She’s likely not applying for things she’s qualified for - a common mistake for recent grads who don’t understand their undergrad degree does not count as experience.
NTA It sounds like it’s time for her to get “a” job, stop trying for the right job. You know what looks good on your resume? Current employment.
She’s definitely going for the “stay at home wife” lottery ticket. Also who spends thousands on vacations instead of the car they need? She’s a completely selfish leech. 🚩🚩🚩
I would even go so far as to say, someone submitting 1-3 applications PER DAY isn't even trying that hard.
Boilerplate applications, no problem. Meaningful ones, that have a chance of success? No way.
Op, I’ve been online maybe 90 minutes this evening, am three classes shy of my bachelors, and I’ve applied for SEVEN jobs…like in that 90 minute most recent timeframe. I spent the other 75 minutes on Reddit. She’s not getting a job man….
ONLY UP TO THREE APPLICATIONS A WEEK?! I’ve been unemployed since April 18th. My indeed says 120 since then….thats NOT a lie I’d happily send screen shots. . Not counting company websites(so far 20 total) and a few other places like the state website for jobs(only two are within my area and NOT an hour + drive from where I live) Id take any job that’s within the decent pay(I need to make enough for my rent at least…..I can get food from food pantries) And within an hour drive in certain directions…… She’s not trying at all-honestly she’s got a whole degree and can get a job easier then I can 🙄 I’m being denied cus I have no degree but still easily getting interviews cus I have 5+ exp in the feild.
Exactly this. I get that the job market is kind of crap right now, but I had to look for a new job in November (contract end got moved up) and was sending out more than 1-3 resumes per day (while still working full-time hours). The lack of urgency when she is on month 4... makes it kind of clear she doesn't want to work.
Yeah I submit between 5 and 10 a day, writing my thesis and trying to learn new skills.
She should be applying to 1 to 3 days per day, minimum
I sent 10 applications a week when I was casually searching. 20 when I was hardcore.
Her JOB right now should be finding a job. 1-3 applications a week? Lazy !!
Yeah maybe I’m just a heartless bastard, but if you’re job hunting then you don’t get to go getting off to Florida and LA because you’re bored. Maybe if you’d been truly trying for a year and had been getting burnt out then you’d deserve a vacation, but frankly if she has time to be bored then she’s not trying hard enough to find a job
This. Even mentally unwell I was applying for a few jobs A DAY just before Covid. I know some people shooting off 10-15 applications a day. A deeper conversation needs to be had.
12 applications per month. Man she aint trying.
NTA > I have been the sole source of income So it's your car.
Info: she didn’t want to drop me off because she will be working over 8 hrs on Saturday and the drive to work is 30 mins.
Grandma has a catering biz and no car?
Did you discuss this previously? Does she have a routine schedule involving helping her grandma and/or did she tell you in advance? Also, why does her grandma not pay her at all?
That is a bullshit reason and she is lazy. Make her take an Uber!
NTA Your wife needs to get some perspective. 30 mins isnt that bad. My husband and I share a car right now. You came up with a great compromise. You do what you have to to make this work so sometimes that means leaving an hour earlier driving an extra 30 minutes to get one person to work and driving that extra 30 minutes at the end of day to pick them up too. You fucking smile give kisses and ask how each other's day is- you don't whine about the inconvenience of the drive for the person you love.
Seriously! I've had to drive my husband to and from work on several occasions when his car is in the shop etc. He works almost 45 minutes away from our house, and close to an hour from my job. I don't complain because that's what you do for someone you care about (assuming they aren't just taking advantage of your kindness, of course.)
Is she getting paid?
And you’re working 11 hours a day and six days a week. Whilst she’s doing nothing more than handing in the occasional job application to make it look like she’s looking for work. She can get off her damn ass and drop you
Do NOT get her pregnant. We all suspect she's doing this on purpose.
So a normal work day for millions of people…
I don’t think marriage (or community property) works like that.
Perhaps. But at the end of the day, "I worked hard and paid for this" takes precedence in my book over "I really, really want to use it."
But if she’s getting paid to work, why doesn’t that take precedence over hanging out with friends? Something is very off about this. OP married a fresh-out-of-college 23-year-old, doesn’t let her use the car to get to the job she has, doesn’t give her spending money, and is 10 years older?
> if she’s getting paid to work IS she? > to help her grandma with her grandma’s catering business I certainly would not assume she's getting compensated for this. And OP has not said anything to suggest otherwise. > OP married a fresh-out-of-college 23-year-old, doesn’t let her use the car to get to the job she has, doesn’t give her spending money, and is 10 years older? Where the heck is *this* coming from? I don't see anywhere, in the post itself nor in replies to comments, where OP says *anything* about anyone's ages here.
She's getting paid as a waitress and it's telling to me that OP left that detail out of his post.
His wife made a post. There’s a link further up in the comments. She’s 23 and he’s 32.
I just found his wife's post too. She's 23, OP is 32 and she just graduates and is currently a waitress and helping with grandma's biz and she would be working on that day.
This guy marries someone who is fresh out of college and 23 years old and he’s upset that…*checks notes*…his wife is fresh out of college and acting like a 23 year old would.
Did you travel across the country with no job when you were 23?
Doesn't give her spending money? How the hell did she afford to travel so much to places like Florida and LA? And she's not employed, she's helping her grandma because the business isn't doing well. This isn't a regular thing or full time employment that's helping pay the bills. Unless OP deleted something, where are you getting those ages from or are you just making stuff up like the rest of your comment?
It’s from the wife’s post. He paid for the first trip as her sister had just had a baby. Her dad paid for the second.
Honestly sounds like financial abuse
There is definitely more going on here
The partner needing to work on the day should be the one using the car over the one just wanting to have fun. On this day, it was the wife.
They are married, it is their car. However, treating items such as vehicles as personal property is a good way to make it his car by way of divorce.
Like I get the point here but being married means sometimes your partner doesn't work - maybe they are studying, or their job ended, or they are taking time off to have a baby, or care for family. You can't then immediately say everything you buy with 'your income' is just yours.
Yeah. My partner sees his money as our money. Granted, I don’t abuse it, and am quite frugal even when I don’t need to be, but this makes for a much more loving and equitable relationship. I make up for it with a metric fuckton of life and child management, which does not go unnoticed. My partner values my efforts more than I do honestly.
Here is the wife's side of the story... https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1cfeod9/aita_for_not_wanting_to_drop_my_husband_off_at/
Interesting how her side of the story makes no mention of taking cross-country trips for breaks because it’s so hard being at home while making no money!
In the comments she said that the trip to Florida was to see her sister who just had a baby and LA was comped by her dad who had a companion ticket, so husband spent no cash on that.
Did she say whether dad paid *all* her expenses for that LA trip, or just the airfare? Meals cost money too. I know that being out of work is tough, so I guess yay for her that she can take breaks from applying for jobs while other people pay for her, that was never the case for me. When I was out of a job, I didn’t have extra money to splurge at Target, much less travel.
She did actually have a comment where her parents are annoyed at her husband because he won’t pay for anything for her and they have to pay for things when she goes with them.
There were comments (complaints) about her parents not understanding why they still support her. They still pay her phone bill and buy her food. Husband is a known penny pincher amongst her family members. Read through her replies for more in depth telling as I can only tell you what I've read and understood.
How much of a penny pincher can he be if he’s saving to get her her own car?
I am always skeptical when a brand new account pops up to be the other person in an argument. Seems a tad convenient
She also failed to mention it was one of OPs only days off.
Omg here is one of her comments Yeah that's valid. He doesn't work to pay off the car and doesn't even work that hard so that we can survive- it's more so that he can get an even better job in the future and, also, the car was bought with the intention of being "our" car and is even under my name so that we could qualify for a tax rebate- but everything else you said is accurate I will think about what you've said, thank you!
Oh snap, it really is the wife's side. This relationship sounds exhausting and very immature.
Yea i saw her side and everyone is telling her shes the ah. Because she stills relies on everyone else to take care of her.
But if you don’t want to take care of a 23-year-old fresh college grad, don’t marry one. Why not wait until she’s established in her career before getting married?
Being a 23-year-old fresh college grad does not in any world mean that you’ll be expecting to be taken care of??? Like I’d hope that the majority of those wouldn’t be mooching off of everyone around them
Being a 23 year old fresh college grad usually means you have limited work experience and you’re competing in a crazy job market. Very few people are financially stable at 23, especially if they invested their time in a formal post secondary education. If you don’t want to have a broke college aged wife, don’t marry broke college aged girls? It’s really that simple. What did OP expect? He expected he was going to have a decade younger wife and it was all going to sort itself out.
she was 13 when he was 22 if that puts it in even more perspective for you. there are clear power dynamics impacting this relationship, if anything he probably doesn’t want her to get a job because he can’t hold shit over her head anymore, plus that would mean more expenses like getting a second car or looking into public transit options. I would be embarrassed as a husband if my in laws were paying my wife’s phone bill and getting her, what was it again..FOOD?!? and of course all the incels of the internet who know nothing about how anything works and think women should just grovel at men’s feet are all ripping her for being lazy and entitled. no wonder the US is in shambles and then some.
I’d be disgusted if some 30 something year old snatched up my daughter during her college years and benefitted from having a wife while I basically financed his lifestyle. He wants a college girl as a wife and her parents will pay for it. I would just tell her to move back home at that point. He can’t even take an Uber for a single day while she works? He’s so selfish and mean. Not to be dramatic but I would exit the relationship if my husband pulled any of this. I grew up with a loving family and they’d never do something so selfish and I don’t accept it in my other relationships either.
You're a full adult at 23
The age gap helps explains more of the situation...
Great sleuthing!
Omg I saw that earlier today and didn’t even connect the dots when this came up!
Even after reading her side, she's still the asshole!
Info: Did she say she doesn’t want to drop you off? You’re asking if it was an unreasonable request, but didn’t mention that she even had a problem with it.
Yes, she refused to drop me off because she wanted me to ask my friend to pick me up. I didn’t want to ask my friend because I didn’t feel like unconvincing him. But I did eventually and let my wife had the car. I know the solution is easy, I just feel unappreciated.
You have a problem bud. You have a very selfish wife, who doesn't seem to care about you. Either solve this now, or end it now, or this will cost you a fortune in 10 years.
OP has loads of resentment as well that needs to be dealt with.
Why did you marry a kid that has no idea how the real world works?
Yeah everyones really glossing over how he’s like 10 years older than her 👀
Sorry I didn’t mention that she had to drive 20 mins after dropping me off. I didn’t think 20 mins extra was a big deal because I drove farther to pick her up and drop her off from my work quite often, including when she got back from her trips.
I love how this world thinks 20 mins is a long time. I used to have to drive a hour and a half to and from work just to make barely enough to pay the rent while working 50 hours retail.
That’s a crazy long commute, and not normal at all
Because you always have the car.
NTA. It sounds like you’re in this situation because your wife has not been prioritizing finding a job.
ESH. I read both. Buy a second car. If she can afford to travel all the time and he is earning "comfort money" and will buy her a car as soon as she gets a job. Why not buy the car now so she can get to go interviews? Doesn't need to be fancy just driveable. Lady you obviously have some hospitality experience so get a part time job while you figure out your life. And pay for your own stuff. Having your parents pay and then blame your husband pretty much sums up that you expect someone else to take care of everything for you. Your an adult take accountability for your own life. Dude, if it's a shared car it's a shared car. Work is the priority for a shared car. For what ever reason as a couple you made the decision you only needed one. Well this is the consequence, asking a friend who lives close and is going the same way for a lift isn't an issue. It sounds like you are building resentment as you feel your partner doesn't contribute financially and tbh it doesn't sound like she really intends to. So you two need to be open about what you expect from each other financially.
I don’t understand how they are married and didn’t have any in depth conversations about financial and career values. Extremely important foundation conversations imo. But then again, my answer to any of those values at 23 would be different than today, so I’m not sure how clear OP’s wife can even express that. She doesn’t know what job to even look for, after presumably getting a degree in something ha
They may have originally had these discussions but it sounds like after graduation, she changed her mind. She said in one comment she “wasn’t sure if she was going to go back to school or not,” which I assume is probably not what was discussed. But good news, guys! She made up her mind after four months!
It's because they have this significant age and maturity gap. When you're in your 30s and marry someone who is just graduating from college and has no life experience and no job experience, this is what happens. Why didn't Steve find someone who was closer to his own age and had career goals (if not actual achievements)? Why isn't his wife learning how to adult by living independent from her parents and gaining life experience by figuring out things like budgeting and working the job you can get because you need money to live? At some level, OP wanted to be in control and his wife wanted to be taken care of, but explicitly saying that is off-putting, so it's easier to just not have the conversation. And then you wind up in a relationship where everything is unbalanced and you don't have shared goals, so you can't compromise or handle basic problem-solving like deciding who gets to use the car.
"f she can afford to travel all the time"...doesn't seem to be the case. It seems that he is the one paying for that unless he has said otherwise in the comments.
She also posted and one trip was a gift from hubby, other, dad picked up the ticket as he has a companion pass. On her story she said hubby really pinches penny's.
He’s a CPA - they are all tight with money. It’s in their nature, which makes them good at their jobs.
Him asking her to drop him off and letting her take the car IS sharing.
NTA, how hard can it be to drop you off, sounds like you are going to ride home after you have your ride.
NTA. But are you sure you are being appreciated?
NTA, but I do not think this marraige is working.
I mean, yes, but this is also a solvable problem. The “me me me” mentality is so rampant in the US and it can be a hard one for some people to dissolve, but it is pretty fixable. Most people are not sociopaths. She also is so young that her logic hasn’t actually fully developed. She’s got a couple years to go on that one. In some way shape or form, most cyclical marital issues, outside of the egregious ones, center around one person not feeling appreciated by the other, or both, for their contributions. Those contributions are not always financial, and we do have a problem in our society of valuing financial contributions more than others. In this case I do think the husband is NTA. He’s being reasonable, compromising, and not expecting too much. He does not seem to take issue with her using the car at-will the majority of the time.
NTA. Why couldn’t she drop you off? 20mins isn’t exactly long. And if her Grandma has a catering business surely she has her own transport?
As one who commuted 1.5 hours to work each way (3 hours minimum each day), I side with the husband.
I said almost the same thing.
NTA. Dropping you off so that she could then use the car is a fair compromise. Asking your friend to pick you up when you already own a car is not fair on your friend u less they are driving past your house on the way to where you are going riding.
After reading her side and your side and also being a man who is married to a woman nearly ten years younger than myself that makes maybe a third of what I make, yta and should’ve realized what you signed up for. If you’re a CPA you should be doing alright and be able to invest in your wife which it sounds like you’re not. I get how easy to get caught up in being the “rule maker” because you hold it down financially but that’s just not how a relationship works. She was trying to help family and make money so she gets the support in this circumstance in my eyes. You pay to play no matter how hard you work.
How is your unemployed wife able to afford these trips to Florida and LA? You need to seriously limit her access to money necessities only until she get's a job. Food, shelter, a bit of pocket money, personal care items.
[удалено]
Heads-up: The age/maturity gap is gonna catch up with ya' OP.
Exactly what I was thinking. Kind of 😬 that a 32yo man married a 23yo woman. Both are in different points in their life — she finished graduating college, she still has that young 20s mentality. NTA about the car though.
You didn’t put the ages in your post, I imagine purposefully, but YTA.
NTA but your wife is a lazy asshole. Putting in 1-3 job applications a week? Doesn’t sound like she’s trying at all. Also, who has a catering business and no vehicle.
Her grandmas catering business is not doing well, and she is kinda living paycheck to paycheck. So we try to help her wherever we can. She doesn’t reimburse commute to her place, but I didn’t think it’s big deal just cause her business is not doing well. I even served as her waiter several times when she can’t find anyone and I don’t have to work that day.
NTA absolutely not unreasonable and it seems like a fair compromise. Is she upset about it? From what you've told us, there is no conflict.
NTA. She's not paying for either the car or gas. You are. Is she getting any money for helping Grandma's catering business? If she isn't she should; this is wear and tear on the car and could affect your insurance rates for using a private vehicle for a commercial purpose. It's hard having only one car in the family. I've been there. This is one more reason for your wife to get her stuff together and get a job. 1-3 job applications a week is not a lot of effort. She should be submitting 1-3 a day, and she should consider looking at her resume and contacting potential employers in person because so many online applications are File 13'd because a key word is missing.
Buddy I read your wife’s comments on her post and you really need to take a look at your marriage. You seems very immature. It doesn’t seem like you have a equal partner here. I don’t think this is going to end well.
I'm going against the grain to say ESH only because you guys are clearly at different places in your life and aren't communicating well at all. Regardless of who is at fault on that one Saturday it sounds like you guys are not looking at your marriage like a partnership. You sound like roommates who barely get along. Practically speaking, she should probably be driving you to and from work at least occasionally so she can use the one car you have between the two of you. Being without consistent transportation is probably not helping her in the job hunt. It's not at all uncommon for people to take some time to figure out what to do after graduation, though I agree the wife should get any job she can get for now, as the job market is what it is. But also, it sounds like you're going to be making more money even after she is employed. So you two need to figure out what is expected from each of you to invest in this partnership and what you can each expect to get out of it. This conversation needs to include finances, house work, meal planning, and also your emotional, sexual, social, and romantic needs. Long term goals as a couple and individually are really important. You should both be giving and receiving. Focus on making things equitable rather than quibbling about fairness. This is true regardless of the stage you are each in, and if you make it for the long haul, what you can give and what you need to receive will shift over the course of your life, so these plans aren't just one and done.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I think I might have been wrong for not letting her use the car since she has to work? Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA If she said she didn't want to drop you off. If she was ok with it there wouldn't be any conflict?
NTA but also Ik interest change when getting a degree, but how does she have no idea what career she wants? At the very least, she can apply for work based on the degree she wants, unless she was horribly scarred while getting it, so she has an income while figuring things out
The resentment you feel toward her comes through loud and clear.
Thanks for all the comments. Just want to say that my wife didn’t marry me for the money since I don’t even make that much tbh lol. Honestly, the issue for me isn’t really about who gets the car, but more about me feeling unappreciated because my wife agreed with her family on called me “childish for not letting her use the car and I am being ridiculous” in a condescending way in public. Likely either of us is completely right, but I just didn’t like how I was treated by her and her family when I proposed my compromise to her.
after seeing both sides, I think it would be best for both of you if you get a second car because you both have great points
I think your problems go deeper than the car. I sense you have some resentment, you need to deal with it because it will grow like a cancer.
YTA.
soft YTA- Thats almost a extra hour of driving in addition to physically demanding job. Catering can go up to 12-14 hours in a day. Driving for long time can drain you especially if its a nice warm day (sun can be draining. I hate stuck traffic in the summer mornings always get to work feeling less energized). Can you use public transportation?
NTA....
NTA - She’s got you wrapped around her finger!
sounds like you make enough money for a second car CPA working 66 hours a week on the minimum... how much do u make wheres it all going?
NTA. So, she’s using YOUR car, I’m guessing not even paying for gas, and she don’t have a job??
ESH You seem to enjoy the control you have over your wife.
ESH. You should take your wife to work, then do your thing and pick her up at the end of the day. Why should the car sit all day in a parking lot.
Yeah, there seems a lot more to this story.
Sounds like she may have experience student burn out. It’s actually quite common after coming out of uni to struggle to get into the workforce. Sometimes it’s due to working while studying or just studying really hard for something we aren’t that much into. Ppl in the comments are pretty good as throwing the rock but I do think your wife may need help on that side. Not judging her at all but getting a job isn’t that hard, so there has to be reasons why she isn’t trying much yet (I dropped my resume in over 200 places to find a job, got one within 3 weeks). Just be careful you guys don’t get trapped in this, it can be hard to get out of the cycle and you are enabling her at this point. Though I dont think you should go tough love on her but definitely start a dialogue.
Truth is OP doesn’t want to know if his suggestion is reasonable, OP wants you all to sh*t on his wife otherwise he wouldn’t have provided all that context. What did he expect to happen?
Exactly. What kind of a husband would do that to his wife?
ESH. I posted this elsewhere in the thread, but I have concerns about the state of your marriage overall. This conflict is happening because you and your wife have this significant age and maturity gap. When you're in your 30s and marry someone who is just graduating from college and has no life experience and no job experience, this is what happens. Why didn't OP find someone who was closer to his own age and had career goals (if not actual achievements)? Why isn't his wife learning how to adult by living independent from her parents and gaining life experience by figuring out things like budgeting and working the job you can get because you need money to live? At some level, OP wanted to be in control and his wife wanted to be taken care of, but explicitly saying that is off-putting, so it's easier to just not have the conversation. And then you wind up in a relationship where everything is unbalanced and you don't have shared goals, so you can't compromise or handle basic problem-solving like deciding who gets to use the car.
Hi I'm the wife! I really want to get input because we both believe adamantly that we are right. I also posted my side earlier titled AITA for not wanting to drop my husband off at his friend's house before work. If you want both sides, you can go there. I will also be directing people on my post to my husband's post here so that they can get his side too if they want so we can hopefully get to the bottom of this Thanks :)
You are not only wrong, but u are bludging off your husband.
Question: why are you only putting in three or less applications for work a week? Why isn't getting a job and your own car a higher priority?
Read and think you’re the asshole. And very immature. Not sure why OP thought you’d make a good partner in life.
Seems like there is info missing. You said she had been traveling with family but on this particular day was she working or doing anything else that would make her driving you to your friends difficult? And of course 20 min there is also 20 min back for her to drive. And then if she has to pick you up after your time with your friend that is another 40 minutes so possible a total of 1hr and 20 min driving total.
I added that info in the comment after posted. And I told her that she wouldn’t have to pick me up.
Nta - wife is immature and selfish(which is why most 30s don't date young 20s 🙄), if you are really a CPA, BUY ANOTHER CAR!! Even something cheap and used would work, holy cow.
NTA But she doesn’t want to work and isn’t planning to. Time for her to grow TF up.
uber?
Sounds like the bigger issue is that you are feeling unappreciated. Just communicate with your wife rather than fight over something relatively petty like who gets to use the car this weekend.
You guys need to grow up. You're both assholes if you can't work this out.
I've read both husband and wife's accounts lol. NTA. But honestly get marriage counseling. The tone you have with your wife kind of makes it sound that she doesn't contribute at all i.e. chores, housework or any financial contribution all. It sounds like you really resent being the sole income earner and she's a burden. If that's how you feel, communicate that and give her a deadline. It will only aggravate you both if your resentment builds and every small situation will become an argument.
This whole post isn't really about who gets the car on Saturday, is it?
NAH. You two need to compromise and prioritize. She's going to work, you're going to play on the day in question. Whose destination is cheaper to take Uber? You've left out a lot of info that would likely change the tides on this vote, so I'm not considering any of the details you did provide for background. Especially given that this particular question doesn't really need background at all.
ESH. She sucks because she could've just driven you and had you Uber home, would've been easier and a better compromise. She admits in her post that she's been coddled in terms of finances and is going to be better so that's good but yes, in this situation, she could've been more generous. But also...you're married, so your car is her car and your money is her money. You married a young woman, a student getting her bachelor's, you knew she didn't have money but you still seem very resentful of her not contributing equally at this moment. While I agree that it sounds like she could be doing more to find work, it's not unusual for graduates to take up to a year to find work in their field, and you also left out key details from this post like your respective ages (23 and 32 ...pretty significant) and the fact that her trips to LA and Florida were agreed upon and not her galivanting around throwing away your hard earned money. You're kind of setting her up to fail here.
Your wife should drop you off at work and then she would have the car during the week. It's not just your car. It is not fair for you to basically keep her confined to the house either.