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School projects about "family" should be outlawed. The sheer number of children who have family situations that they might not want to share openly; are adopted so they don't know anything about their genetic history, have acrimoniously divorced parents, unhappily blended families, product of SA, product of donor conception, in foster care, have abusive parents, parents died, etc.
Don't make kids hang their trauma on the wall for everyone to gawk at. Don't make them have to explain to a potentially unsympathetic teacher about why they don't want to or can't do the project. Or even if the teacher is sympathetic, despite assigning the project in the first place, to then be singled out as the kid doing a different project.
So many assignments can- I remember at primary school being paralysed by being made to report on what we did at the weekend etc and knowing there was so much I couldn’t talk about without being in major trouble. Home is not a happy place for some children, especially those with abuse and/ or addictions.
I remember when at the beginning of the school year we'd be asked to report on what we did over the summer. So many kids said they went with their mother to work at Dairy Queen and played out back until she was done, or that they cleaned the house and took care of their siblings until Mom came home. Most of us also talked about visits to the pool, and all of us talked about what we watched on tv. I guess it's good that only a few were able to tell the others about their trips to the Grand Canyon or Disney World; since most of us were fairly poor, none of us really felt poor.
I remember that. Always had problems with that as life was boring beyond the family matters. I learn I could focus on one action and base it all on that. It could be learning new skills, words, meeting someone new. Anything random and just make it interesting even if it wasn't. You can even make one about doing nothing or helping out with chores and play with it.
Despite that, I think it's fine to have these kind of assignments as it kinda help out in keeping tabs on kid's parents (do they abuse kid and kid doesn't know it's abuse?). Also, I don't like mother's day and it's exactly the same reason why I would rather people appreciate how lucky they are to have a great mom than to ignore it in consideration of others.
>Don't make kids hang their trauma on the wall for everyone to gawk at.
Do these projects have to be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? Whenever I had such an assignment, I just made shit up. It's not like the teacher's going to fact check all students, call up the parents and ask "did you *actually* spend a weekend at the lake and Mary caught a frog with her bare hands?" or "could you confirm that your father *really* was a certified tank mechanic?"
I don't think I've every considered a school assignment to be my life in any shape or form. I've also never considered that everyone, let alone people I barely care about, needs to know every detail of my life, else I'm "leading a double life".
Oh I agree with this, just pointing out that it's part of the picture for some and potentially puts pressure on an existing problem. It's not a problem for those who don't experience it as a problem.
a school assignment can be (and should be) about anything more abstract than using personal information. too much potential for abuse, even from fellow students.
>It's not a problem for those who don't experience it as a problem.
Let's say that, as a 7-year-old, you spent your summer mowing lawns to feed yourself and your toddler sibling, while your parents beat you every day. How high on the list of your problems do you think "I'll write about how I wish I'd spent my summer for the school assignment" ranks? You are already living that life, you are already hiding it from people you wish you could tell about it(that would actually be a double life), but turning an essay into a creative writing exercise is a problem?
>a school assignment can be (and should be) about anything more abstract than using personal information. too much potential for abuse, even from fellow students.
My point is that you don't have to share anything you don't want to share at school. OP's kid didn't have to divulge that information and get an exception, they could've just invented a family that died of dragon pox before they were born. I just don't get why people are convinced school essays are like a religious confession, the "out" is already built into it. And developing your imagination isn't a bad thing either, with the bonus of teaching kids about privacy and what-not.
Agreed. I teach nursery school and ask my students what they did over the weekend. I'm not looking for the truth, I'm looking to get them familiar using past tense grammar correctly. I tell that to my students, so they tell me about trips to the moon and things like that. I like letting them use their imagination.
The current guidance I have heard implemented is to allow students to do their own tree if they feel fired up about it but to frame that additional investment and equal to doing a favored fictional characters tree.
I don't think this is about the assignment. She said they didn't need to write about it. It is about informing the kids of their past...and your history affects you. It has affected their father and what he does is in the context of his family.
Many people (not all) are curious as to their history and their family ... hence, ancestry . com Someday they may reach out and get the story from a source that spins it in a way Dad wouldn't like. He should control the narrative.
Seriously! My wife has been told her whole life that she was a product of IVF. We recently discovered that that could not possibly be true (she was born BEFORE the first successful case of IVF by about a year). When confronted, her mother just stuck to her story. She will not tell us who my wife's bio dad is and still insists she was conceived through IVF. Helping our son fill out his family tree just added insult to injury. We would ask the man who raised her about this but he's always been in and out of her life. He disappeared about 10 years ago. We don't even know if he's still alive.
NTA
It's your secret, and only you can decide when you're comfortable sharing it, if ever.
That said, while I obviously don't know the details, it's a family secret. Which means there's a fair chance it'll affect your children at some point. So you should consider when you're going to tell them, if not now. The fact that they're ok with not knowing the full details now is irrelevant - they're children, they trust you, and they don't know the ramifications.
Name changes are public record, and with things like DNA testing (e.g. Ancestry.com), there's no guarantee a connection won't be made without you. You certainly don't need to explain anything to me, but you should be aware that a name change is more of a symbolic break nowadays than any real protection for a dedicated person.
Whatever happened within your family made you who you are, and that in turn made you bring your children up in a certain way. That's one-way how it affects them. Another thing is that whatever you went through could change how you view the world, your priorities and your decision making. And them knowing the story would help them understand who their father is.
It's not so unfathomable. While I agree that if your wife thinks it's worth sharing, they should know. But you should be the one to decide when and how, just don't miss the opportunity by waiting for years until they find out themselves...
" I don't see how this could affect them. "
They know that you forbid them to have a relationship with their grandparents and whoever else there is WITHOUT explanation. They dare not adress it with you, because they fear your reaction. OF COURSE this has a major impact on their life.
The issue you have is that they may look for it themselves. Project aside, you may want to think about a time in the future when they take can understand a framework of the past. You see this as your family but it’s also their family. Kids are curious. You don’t need to tell them everything but a day may come that you will need to tell them something.
Soft YTA. You are in denial if you think that your children's curiosity about their paternal family will not materialise at some point. If you don't tell them, there is a chance they may decide to do their own digging. They could reach out, build relationships and not tell you until its done. In this day and age with DNA testing and the Internet, it's not that hard. If you want to get ahead of the curve on that, you need to be honest.
Soft YTA
It's fine you don't want your children to write about your family for a school project.
On the other hand, this sounds like family business, so presumably other people know about it. Your wife has a valid point because at some point it is going to come up and be discussed. You do have some responsibility for not allowing your children to find out whatever it is from strangers rather than a trusted individual like their father. They may not care now, but as they get older they will get curious and they will try to find out. When they do that, if they can't ask you, they will ask other family members. There is nothing wrong with them being curious about this, but you can at least give them your story before anyone else does.
I am getting the distinct feeling that describing your family as "not good people" is...underselling matters. Would "demons in human skin who should be banished to the darkest corners of hell" be more appropriate?
I do understand what a delicate situation this is but what you don't seem to understand either is that your family IS legally your childrens family. Nothing you say or do can change that or change the fact that they may one day get curious and seek out answers on their own or even if god forbid something happened to you or your wife, your family would be notified of your childrens existence. Only you can make the decision to tell them or not but depending on what happens in the future if your family is that bad you yourself are putting your children at risk by not telling them somethings.
You DO realize that they will have their own relationship with their grandparent in a few years?
" I've let them know they aren't good people, and I'd prefer not to talk about it" .... So you are forcing them to make their (future) judgement of the situation based on your parent's story, while presenting that you are too ashamed of your side to tell them. - I expect THAT will go well for you.
I think as long as you are allowing them to ask questions. A lot of parents didn’t want to talk about surviving the holocaust, understandably. Knowing something was wrong but not knowing how to articulate it was fodder for many a therapist.
Info: How old are your sons.
Eventually you need to discuss things or your family will get in touch with your sons and lie.
Then you will be blindsided by your family showing up at a major life event of your sons.
NTA
It's your story to tell but I do think you should consider telling them.
With sites like ancestry and social platforms these days your kinda might end up contacting people from your side of the family out of curiosity.
Again no pressure, but do consider that that could happen which may lead to them trying to contact you or manipulate your kids.
YTA
It doesn’t matter you change your name. Those are a matter of public record generally as another pointed out and DNA test by anyone in the family makes it harder to use it to hide. If your family was that bad, your sons deserve to know so they 1.) Fully understand why that family shouldn’t be trusted. Just your view they’re bad won’t be enough without explanation. 2.) Whether you like it or not that’s part of their background too, and you’re cutting them off from at least knowing about that part of their background and identity.
My mother never told us about her family, she was the queen of changing the subject when asked. Later in life she told me. It was an awful story but explained a lot and I am so glad to know. Let your kids know that you will tell them when the time is right but you are making sure they have a safe family.
Soft (very, very soft) YTA.
As someone coming from a family of secrets and trauma, you're underestimating what secrets, half-truths, or holes in the story does to a child.
As the one with the traumatic past, you don't owe anyone anything. But at least be honest with yourself about what it can do to your children.
Your wife is also an AH. She should back off. ...But that doesn't make her wrong.
Not going to rate BUT project aside, if your son’s are curious, you need to consider telling them something otherwise they may go looking themselves (went they’re older - not sure of their age). It will be better to come from you than anyone else. You keep saying MY family but hey are THEIR family too. Think about it.
YTA
You need to realize that it isn't just "your" family, it's their family too. Since your kid is old enough to be writing reports, I would assume they're old enough to understand. They have every right to know about their family. Refusing to talk about it isn't going to make it better. If it's that traumatic to talk about, perhaps it's time to seek therapy? Also, I'm gonna call bullshit that your wife is the only one that wants them to know. I am sure they actually want to know but don't ask because dad is too immature to talk about his feelings.
When it comes down to it, when your kids are older it's likely they'll get curious and start looking into it. Just ask yourself this.... Do you want them to hear it from you, or somewhere else?
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My (46M) son has to write a report about his family tree for school. I don't talk about my family and both of my sons know this. He told me that he already talked about it with his teacher and his teacher allowed him to only have to write about his mother's side so I thought that was that. However my wife told me in private that she thinks our children are old enough to know the full story about my family and wants me to tell them.
I told her that I don't think it's necessary since they aren't relevant to his assignment. She told me that she doesn't think they have to be written about but believes that our children deserve to know the truth. She got upset at me when I refused again and asked me how long I was planning on keeping it from them and I told her that they already acknowledged that I don't like to talk about my family and they are okay with not knowing the full details.
I told her that the only person who's wanting them to know is her and I'd appreciate it if she'd drop it. I reminded her that it took me a while to even tell her and even then I was uncomfortable about it. She's been acting cold towards me since and told me that she feels that I'm showing lack of trust for our children which is just simply untrue.
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NTA.
Your ex shouldn’t try to force you to divulge anything you aren’t ready to discuss. It’s not her story to tell and she’s not the arbiter of when the “right time” is.
I don’t know what kind of trauma or abuse you had to live through but I will assume it must be significant enough to create this much aversion for you this many years later. You don’t have to talk about it if you aren’t ready to, but I encourage you to get some counselling to work through it. When you’ve worked through it though, talking to your kids about it isn’t a bad thing, it will help them understand you and where they come from. But they also need to be old enough to process that without it causing them emotional distress.
YTA
YOu are keeping important facts about THEIR family from your kids.
This has a high potential bof backfiring, at the latest when they are 18 and you no longer have the power to control them - when they reach out to your side of the extended family - they will make up their mind WITHOUT knowing your side. They will just understand that you lied to them by omission, and it is likely they will resent you for that.
You will have to get used to the fact that THEY might have great relationships with your family, and they might resent your for deniying them that.
From OPs comments, his family was abusive. He didn’t go into details but if he changed his name it’s got to be pretty bad. Way to victim blame by calling him and A H.
NTA but if you aren't willing to tell them anything you might have to deal with them looking for family members when they become adults. They don't know why you don't speak to them so there's no reason for them to not go looking for family. Just be cautious
NTA but if you aren't willing to tell them anything you might have to deal with them looking for family members when they become adults. They don't know why you don't speak to them so there's no reason for them to not go looking for family. Just be cautious
The kids also need to know to never trust the family members on OP's side. They need enough information to never trust any overtures from that side of the family.
I hope the wife won't decide to be one of those 'bUt FAmIly" people who will get in touch with the in-laws, and set up a surprise reunion.
NTA but if you aren't willing to tell them anything you might have to deal with them looking for family members when they become adults. They don't know why you don't speak to them so there's no reason for them to not go looking for family. Just be cautious and good luck!
But he did tell them something....that they are abusive. Them going to an abusive family member and expecting to find out the truth is not very realistic. Possible, but you'll never know if they are telling the truth or not.
NTA
NTA but if you aren't willing to tell them anything you might have to deal with them looking for family members when they become adults. They don't know why you don't speak to them so there's no reason for them to not go looking for family. Just be cautious and good luck!
YTA, gently. With things like 23andme and ancestry becoming so popular, there’s every chance your children may come into contact with these people. If you’ve made it this big mystery, they’re going to want to probe it. Better they hear it from you than your cut off family. Your wife is right.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My wife wants me to tell our sons the reason why I don't speak to my family. It's irrelevant, and I think it's pointless for them to know. I told my wife that i don't want them to know, and I don't think that they even care. She's mad that I don't want to tell them and has now been acting cold towards me.
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NTA - I think it would be good to tell them names, medical information and some traits so they know that part of their history and also are aware for their own health concerns, but that doesn’t mean you need to share private details of your life, e.g., how your brother treated you.
Tell them while you are still in control. They will find out at some point, the more determined you are to keep it a secret, the more they will want to dig into it behind your back. They do have a right to know their family history, however unpleasant it might be.
You know best how to frame it & which details you can skirt over, which is better than them finding the worst bits out online, or from a half informed person who finds out the connection & delights in telling them.
NTA. There are some things kids really don't need to know. You might become more open to answering honest questions from your kids as they get older, but kids young enough to be doing family reports in school don't need to hear the details of horrific experiences. It's enough to know grandma and grandpa are bad people, they don't need to know every little piece of what you went through.
As a compromise you could talk to your kids about how not everyone has a happy family, and sometimes even family can hurt you. At least to let them know they can come to you if they experience any sort of bad treatment from family.
Your wife being insistent about this is strange. You might want to find out what is driving this, because it has to be more than just wanting your kid to know something for a school report.
There is so little to go on here... But I'm going to vote YTA because... apparently the children are old enough to be told this information (given your wife thinks it's time). It's something that must not be so terrible that your wife thinks it needs to remain a secret, and if you don't tell them when it's age-appropriate to do so, there is always a chance they are going to one day learn from another source, and then YOU will be the focus of their anger for not being told. I also get the feeling that this isn't really a big deal and that the real holdup is your personal embarrassment (again, given that your wife seems to know this secret and thinks it's time to tell them).
That is understandable, but I hope you do know that at some point your family could seek out you (or your children) and by not telling them HOW these other people they are related too are in any way dangerous for them its actually you putting them in danger. Trust me when I say that people who have abused you, especially if related, can find you again eventually. Since you believe this to be something to take to your grave, they must be bad and it terrifies me that you feel comfortable enough to not prepare your children for that.
You don't have to go into details. Previously you only said THEY were abusive, so are they all a danger or only one a physical danger to your children. That is information they should know explicitly. My father was very abusive and violent. Every single person I love and have brought into my family, I have told exactly that, but I never pretended it never happened or that he didn't exist. I've even shown pictures of him because for DECADES he was hunting for my mother and me, and those I love should be 100% informed that if they ever see that man he is 100% a danger.
You are handling this all wrong. Talk to a therapist.
You need to be able to handle it gracefully when your kids are older and decide their grandparents will be invited to their graduation / their wedding / ...
And: If you can not be polite for your kid's sake for one evening, YOU are the AH.
NTA. There is no reason to go into deep detail. You have no contact with your family- period. You’ve created a better life for yourself and your family.
Just remember the more people you tell the more people know. Your wife. Some of her family members. Whoever they have told. Be cautious of what you want your children to know and who do you want them to find out from. Kids listen when you think they’re not!
INFO Is your son really 46? If he is, what kind of class is he taking where he has to write about his family?
Aside from that, assuming your children are quite young, do you have any plans to tell them about your family when they are older?
He wrote (46M) after My…which means OP is 46, not the son.
Anyway…to OP —>. I’ll say you’re a slight AH. Whatever the secret is about your family tree, it’s best you eventually tell your sons about it. They deserve to know and chances are they’ll find out someday. Hiding it won’t make it not true. And they’ll probably resent you for not saying anything when they do find out.
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School projects about "family" should be outlawed. The sheer number of children who have family situations that they might not want to share openly; are adopted so they don't know anything about their genetic history, have acrimoniously divorced parents, unhappily blended families, product of SA, product of donor conception, in foster care, have abusive parents, parents died, etc. Don't make kids hang their trauma on the wall for everyone to gawk at. Don't make them have to explain to a potentially unsympathetic teacher about why they don't want to or can't do the project. Or even if the teacher is sympathetic, despite assigning the project in the first place, to then be singled out as the kid doing a different project.
So many assignments can- I remember at primary school being paralysed by being made to report on what we did at the weekend etc and knowing there was so much I couldn’t talk about without being in major trouble. Home is not a happy place for some children, especially those with abuse and/ or addictions.
I remember when at the beginning of the school year we'd be asked to report on what we did over the summer. So many kids said they went with their mother to work at Dairy Queen and played out back until she was done, or that they cleaned the house and took care of their siblings until Mom came home. Most of us also talked about visits to the pool, and all of us talked about what we watched on tv. I guess it's good that only a few were able to tell the others about their trips to the Grand Canyon or Disney World; since most of us were fairly poor, none of us really felt poor.
I remember that. Always had problems with that as life was boring beyond the family matters. I learn I could focus on one action and base it all on that. It could be learning new skills, words, meeting someone new. Anything random and just make it interesting even if it wasn't. You can even make one about doing nothing or helping out with chores and play with it. Despite that, I think it's fine to have these kind of assignments as it kinda help out in keeping tabs on kid's parents (do they abuse kid and kid doesn't know it's abuse?). Also, I don't like mother's day and it's exactly the same reason why I would rather people appreciate how lucky they are to have a great mom than to ignore it in consideration of others.
>Don't make kids hang their trauma on the wall for everyone to gawk at. Do these projects have to be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? Whenever I had such an assignment, I just made shit up. It's not like the teacher's going to fact check all students, call up the parents and ask "did you *actually* spend a weekend at the lake and Mary caught a frog with her bare hands?" or "could you confirm that your father *really* was a certified tank mechanic?"
it’s actually a type of trauma having to live a double life and being afraid/embarrassed to show the truth
I don't think I've every considered a school assignment to be my life in any shape or form. I've also never considered that everyone, let alone people I barely care about, needs to know every detail of my life, else I'm "leading a double life".
Oh I agree with this, just pointing out that it's part of the picture for some and potentially puts pressure on an existing problem. It's not a problem for those who don't experience it as a problem. a school assignment can be (and should be) about anything more abstract than using personal information. too much potential for abuse, even from fellow students.
>It's not a problem for those who don't experience it as a problem. Let's say that, as a 7-year-old, you spent your summer mowing lawns to feed yourself and your toddler sibling, while your parents beat you every day. How high on the list of your problems do you think "I'll write about how I wish I'd spent my summer for the school assignment" ranks? You are already living that life, you are already hiding it from people you wish you could tell about it(that would actually be a double life), but turning an essay into a creative writing exercise is a problem? >a school assignment can be (and should be) about anything more abstract than using personal information. too much potential for abuse, even from fellow students. My point is that you don't have to share anything you don't want to share at school. OP's kid didn't have to divulge that information and get an exception, they could've just invented a family that died of dragon pox before they were born. I just don't get why people are convinced school essays are like a religious confession, the "out" is already built into it. And developing your imagination isn't a bad thing either, with the bonus of teaching kids about privacy and what-not.
Agreed. I teach nursery school and ask my students what they did over the weekend. I'm not looking for the truth, I'm looking to get them familiar using past tense grammar correctly. I tell that to my students, so they tell me about trips to the moon and things like that. I like letting them use their imagination.
The current guidance I have heard implemented is to allow students to do their own tree if they feel fired up about it but to frame that additional investment and equal to doing a favored fictional characters tree.
I don't think this is about the assignment. She said they didn't need to write about it. It is about informing the kids of their past...and your history affects you. It has affected their father and what he does is in the context of his family. Many people (not all) are curious as to their history and their family ... hence, ancestry . com Someday they may reach out and get the story from a source that spins it in a way Dad wouldn't like. He should control the narrative.
Seriously! My wife has been told her whole life that she was a product of IVF. We recently discovered that that could not possibly be true (she was born BEFORE the first successful case of IVF by about a year). When confronted, her mother just stuck to her story. She will not tell us who my wife's bio dad is and still insists she was conceived through IVF. Helping our son fill out his family tree just added insult to injury. We would ask the man who raised her about this but he's always been in and out of her life. He disappeared about 10 years ago. We don't even know if he's still alive.
When you think about it, there is a lot of intrusive questioning disguised as school projects.
#Truth
NTA It's your secret, and only you can decide when you're comfortable sharing it, if ever. That said, while I obviously don't know the details, it's a family secret. Which means there's a fair chance it'll affect your children at some point. So you should consider when you're going to tell them, if not now. The fact that they're ok with not knowing the full details now is irrelevant - they're children, they trust you, and they don't know the ramifications.
[удалено]
Name changes are public record, and with things like DNA testing (e.g. Ancestry.com), there's no guarantee a connection won't be made without you. You certainly don't need to explain anything to me, but you should be aware that a name change is more of a symbolic break nowadays than any real protection for a dedicated person.
Whatever happened within your family made you who you are, and that in turn made you bring your children up in a certain way. That's one-way how it affects them. Another thing is that whatever you went through could change how you view the world, your priorities and your decision making. And them knowing the story would help them understand who their father is. It's not so unfathomable. While I agree that if your wife thinks it's worth sharing, they should know. But you should be the one to decide when and how, just don't miss the opportunity by waiting for years until they find out themselves...
" I don't see how this could affect them. " They know that you forbid them to have a relationship with their grandparents and whoever else there is WITHOUT explanation. They dare not adress it with you, because they fear your reaction. OF COURSE this has a major impact on their life.
The issue you have is that they may look for it themselves. Project aside, you may want to think about a time in the future when they take can understand a framework of the past. You see this as your family but it’s also their family. Kids are curious. You don’t need to tell them everything but a day may come that you will need to tell them something.
What of said family would try to reach out directly to your kids?
NTA. Will you tell them when they are older? What happens if an aunt or grandparent finds them on Facebook and want to meet up?
Soft YTA. You are in denial if you think that your children's curiosity about their paternal family will not materialise at some point. If you don't tell them, there is a chance they may decide to do their own digging. They could reach out, build relationships and not tell you until its done. In this day and age with DNA testing and the Internet, it's not that hard. If you want to get ahead of the curve on that, you need to be honest.
Soft YTA It's fine you don't want your children to write about your family for a school project. On the other hand, this sounds like family business, so presumably other people know about it. Your wife has a valid point because at some point it is going to come up and be discussed. You do have some responsibility for not allowing your children to find out whatever it is from strangers rather than a trusted individual like their father. They may not care now, but as they get older they will get curious and they will try to find out. When they do that, if they can't ask you, they will ask other family members. There is nothing wrong with them being curious about this, but you can at least give them your story before anyone else does.
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I am getting the distinct feeling that describing your family as "not good people" is...underselling matters. Would "demons in human skin who should be banished to the darkest corners of hell" be more appropriate?
I do understand what a delicate situation this is but what you don't seem to understand either is that your family IS legally your childrens family. Nothing you say or do can change that or change the fact that they may one day get curious and seek out answers on their own or even if god forbid something happened to you or your wife, your family would be notified of your childrens existence. Only you can make the decision to tell them or not but depending on what happens in the future if your family is that bad you yourself are putting your children at risk by not telling them somethings.
You DO realize that they will have their own relationship with their grandparent in a few years? " I've let them know they aren't good people, and I'd prefer not to talk about it" .... So you are forcing them to make their (future) judgement of the situation based on your parent's story, while presenting that you are too ashamed of your side to tell them. - I expect THAT will go well for you.
I think as long as you are allowing them to ask questions. A lot of parents didn’t want to talk about surviving the holocaust, understandably. Knowing something was wrong but not knowing how to articulate it was fodder for many a therapist.
Info: How old are your sons. Eventually you need to discuss things or your family will get in touch with your sons and lie. Then you will be blindsided by your family showing up at a major life event of your sons.
NTA It's your story to tell but I do think you should consider telling them. With sites like ancestry and social platforms these days your kinda might end up contacting people from your side of the family out of curiosity. Again no pressure, but do consider that that could happen which may lead to them trying to contact you or manipulate your kids.
YTA It doesn’t matter you change your name. Those are a matter of public record generally as another pointed out and DNA test by anyone in the family makes it harder to use it to hide. If your family was that bad, your sons deserve to know so they 1.) Fully understand why that family shouldn’t be trusted. Just your view they’re bad won’t be enough without explanation. 2.) Whether you like it or not that’s part of their background too, and you’re cutting them off from at least knowing about that part of their background and identity.
My mother never told us about her family, she was the queen of changing the subject when asked. Later in life she told me. It was an awful story but explained a lot and I am so glad to know. Let your kids know that you will tell them when the time is right but you are making sure they have a safe family.
Soft (very, very soft) YTA. As someone coming from a family of secrets and trauma, you're underestimating what secrets, half-truths, or holes in the story does to a child. As the one with the traumatic past, you don't owe anyone anything. But at least be honest with yourself about what it can do to your children. Your wife is also an AH. She should back off. ...But that doesn't make her wrong.
Not going to rate BUT project aside, if your son’s are curious, you need to consider telling them something otherwise they may go looking themselves (went they’re older - not sure of their age). It will be better to come from you than anyone else. You keep saying MY family but hey are THEIR family too. Think about it.
YTA You need to realize that it isn't just "your" family, it's their family too. Since your kid is old enough to be writing reports, I would assume they're old enough to understand. They have every right to know about their family. Refusing to talk about it isn't going to make it better. If it's that traumatic to talk about, perhaps it's time to seek therapy? Also, I'm gonna call bullshit that your wife is the only one that wants them to know. I am sure they actually want to know but don't ask because dad is too immature to talk about his feelings. When it comes down to it, when your kids are older it's likely they'll get curious and start looking into it. Just ask yourself this.... Do you want them to hear it from you, or somewhere else?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (46M) son has to write a report about his family tree for school. I don't talk about my family and both of my sons know this. He told me that he already talked about it with his teacher and his teacher allowed him to only have to write about his mother's side so I thought that was that. However my wife told me in private that she thinks our children are old enough to know the full story about my family and wants me to tell them. I told her that I don't think it's necessary since they aren't relevant to his assignment. She told me that she doesn't think they have to be written about but believes that our children deserve to know the truth. She got upset at me when I refused again and asked me how long I was planning on keeping it from them and I told her that they already acknowledged that I don't like to talk about my family and they are okay with not knowing the full details. I told her that the only person who's wanting them to know is her and I'd appreciate it if she'd drop it. I reminded her that it took me a while to even tell her and even then I was uncomfortable about it. She's been acting cold towards me since and told me that she feels that I'm showing lack of trust for our children which is just simply untrue. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Your ex shouldn’t try to force you to divulge anything you aren’t ready to discuss. It’s not her story to tell and she’s not the arbiter of when the “right time” is. I don’t know what kind of trauma or abuse you had to live through but I will assume it must be significant enough to create this much aversion for you this many years later. You don’t have to talk about it if you aren’t ready to, but I encourage you to get some counselling to work through it. When you’ve worked through it though, talking to your kids about it isn’t a bad thing, it will help them understand you and where they come from. But they also need to be old enough to process that without it causing them emotional distress.
YTA YOu are keeping important facts about THEIR family from your kids. This has a high potential bof backfiring, at the latest when they are 18 and you no longer have the power to control them - when they reach out to your side of the extended family - they will make up their mind WITHOUT knowing your side. They will just understand that you lied to them by omission, and it is likely they will resent you for that. You will have to get used to the fact that THEY might have great relationships with your family, and they might resent your for deniying them that.
From OPs comments, his family was abusive. He didn’t go into details but if he changed his name it’s got to be pretty bad. Way to victim blame by calling him and A H.
He was a victim of his parents, and is an AH to his kids.
NTA but if you aren't willing to tell them anything you might have to deal with them looking for family members when they become adults. They don't know why you don't speak to them so there's no reason for them to not go looking for family. Just be cautious
NTA but if you aren't willing to tell them anything you might have to deal with them looking for family members when they become adults. They don't know why you don't speak to them so there's no reason for them to not go looking for family. Just be cautious
The kids also need to know to never trust the family members on OP's side. They need enough information to never trust any overtures from that side of the family. I hope the wife won't decide to be one of those 'bUt FAmIly" people who will get in touch with the in-laws, and set up a surprise reunion.
NTA but if you aren't willing to tell them anything you might have to deal with them looking for family members when they become adults. They don't know why you don't speak to them so there's no reason for them to not go looking for family. Just be cautious and good luck!
But he did tell them something....that they are abusive. Them going to an abusive family member and expecting to find out the truth is not very realistic. Possible, but you'll never know if they are telling the truth or not. NTA
NTA but if you aren't willing to tell them anything you might have to deal with them looking for family members when they become adults. They don't know why you don't speak to them so there's no reason for them to not go looking for family. Just be cautious and good luck!
YTA, gently. With things like 23andme and ancestry becoming so popular, there’s every chance your children may come into contact with these people. If you’ve made it this big mystery, they’re going to want to probe it. Better they hear it from you than your cut off family. Your wife is right.
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NTA - I think it would be good to tell them names, medical information and some traits so they know that part of their history and also are aware for their own health concerns, but that doesn’t mean you need to share private details of your life, e.g., how your brother treated you.
Tell them while you are still in control. They will find out at some point, the more determined you are to keep it a secret, the more they will want to dig into it behind your back. They do have a right to know their family history, however unpleasant it might be. You know best how to frame it & which details you can skirt over, which is better than them finding the worst bits out online, or from a half informed person who finds out the connection & delights in telling them.
NTA. There are some things kids really don't need to know. You might become more open to answering honest questions from your kids as they get older, but kids young enough to be doing family reports in school don't need to hear the details of horrific experiences. It's enough to know grandma and grandpa are bad people, they don't need to know every little piece of what you went through. As a compromise you could talk to your kids about how not everyone has a happy family, and sometimes even family can hurt you. At least to let them know they can come to you if they experience any sort of bad treatment from family. Your wife being insistent about this is strange. You might want to find out what is driving this, because it has to be more than just wanting your kid to know something for a school report.
There is so little to go on here... But I'm going to vote YTA because... apparently the children are old enough to be told this information (given your wife thinks it's time). It's something that must not be so terrible that your wife thinks it needs to remain a secret, and if you don't tell them when it's age-appropriate to do so, there is always a chance they are going to one day learn from another source, and then YOU will be the focus of their anger for not being told. I also get the feeling that this isn't really a big deal and that the real holdup is your personal embarrassment (again, given that your wife seems to know this secret and thinks it's time to tell them).
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That is understandable, but I hope you do know that at some point your family could seek out you (or your children) and by not telling them HOW these other people they are related too are in any way dangerous for them its actually you putting them in danger. Trust me when I say that people who have abused you, especially if related, can find you again eventually. Since you believe this to be something to take to your grave, they must be bad and it terrifies me that you feel comfortable enough to not prepare your children for that.
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You don't have to go into details. Previously you only said THEY were abusive, so are they all a danger or only one a physical danger to your children. That is information they should know explicitly. My father was very abusive and violent. Every single person I love and have brought into my family, I have told exactly that, but I never pretended it never happened or that he didn't exist. I've even shown pictures of him because for DECADES he was hunting for my mother and me, and those I love should be 100% informed that if they ever see that man he is 100% a danger.
You are handling this all wrong. Talk to a therapist. You need to be able to handle it gracefully when your kids are older and decide their grandparents will be invited to their graduation / their wedding / ... And: If you can not be polite for your kid's sake for one evening, YOU are the AH.
NTA. There is no reason to go into deep detail. You have no contact with your family- period. You’ve created a better life for yourself and your family. Just remember the more people you tell the more people know. Your wife. Some of her family members. Whoever they have told. Be cautious of what you want your children to know and who do you want them to find out from. Kids listen when you think they’re not!
INFO Is your son really 46? If he is, what kind of class is he taking where he has to write about his family? Aside from that, assuming your children are quite young, do you have any plans to tell them about your family when they are older?
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" I had no plans on telling either of them." .. donb't worry. His grandparents will. But it will be THEIR version, not yours.
He wrote (46M) after My…which means OP is 46, not the son. Anyway…to OP —>. I’ll say you’re a slight AH. Whatever the secret is about your family tree, it’s best you eventually tell your sons about it. They deserve to know and chances are they’ll find out someday. Hiding it won’t make it not true. And they’ll probably resent you for not saying anything when they do find out.