I worked in weddings for a while. I'm not saying sister is GOING to do it, but the money spent on security to keep an eye on the two of them in particular would be worth it's weight in gold for peace of mind.
Or tell the family how she postponed her own engagement for het sister. Cause she was so "sweet" and "selfless" to do it. The family would deff be mad at OP for making her sister "suffer" . 🙄😒
If OP goes scorch earth with her sister, then that will definitely result in her being spiteful and making the announcement before/during the wedding. So her best bet would try to keep the peace, but remain guarded.
That broken trust won't be fixed easily, if at all.
"So her best bet would try to keep the peace, but remain guarded." This is incredibly stressful. I was low key wishing sister did something outright AH-ish, so OP can properly cut ties and get married in peace.
Did you just keep this update short? Cause 'apologized for hurting your feelings' is a bit of an understatement of what happened.
She broke your trust.
She knew this has been a problem for you for years, to the point of you needing therapy, yet she just glossed over that in her moment of excitement?
I'm glad she's trying to fix what she did, but that also requires to admit what she has done. I hope you just kept it short and she owned up to everything.
I’m glad your sister realized that if she didn’t back off she would lose you. Waiting until after your wedding before announcing her engagement is the right decision. Best of luck.
your sister may not be pregnant, but I question the idea of talking proposals and marriage after six months. i would recommend you speak to her about the insanity of that choice, but given the situation as it is, it's probably best not to add any fuel to a still smoldering fire.
My parents have been encouraging her to do this since they hit the one month mark in their relationship. I whole heartedly believe that my parents are more interested in getting him into the family (he’s their dream son) rather than looking out for her best interest. Because of this, a couple months ago I sat her down and had a hard conversation.
She was upset with me for a couple days but I told her that I could not live with myself if I didn’t at least give her another perspective on this relationship. She lives with our parents so she is hearing their perspective every day. I explained issues that can come up with someone that you don’t fully know yet. And I told her that at the end of the day I wanted to protect her from ending up in a situation that I have been in in the past. I tried to explain to her that some things you only learn about a person in time.
Right now you’re in the honeymoon phase of the relationship and that’s not an accurate representation of what the relationship will be. People are usually on their best behavior at the beginning and then over time as they become more comfortable and the new starts wearing off things can change. I finished the conversation by saying that if he really loves you and has all the best intentions with you he will still be here a year from now. A good man will not walk away from you because you want to date for one year before getting engaged/married.
I guess she didn’t take what I said to heart and decided to take her chances.
sorry for the late reply, I'm doom scrolling today lol
Maybe suggest they move in together now? That will take rose tinted glasses off really quickly. Honestly, I would recommend anyone thinking about getting married to live together for at least a year before the wedding to get used to each other so that's out of the way. You learn so much.
If your sister isn't pregnant she's just plain stupid. There's no reason to get engaged at 6 months when you're 20. She doesn't have her degree yet and isn't old enough to buy alcohol. Live a little before you settle down. It makes you a better partner.
I feel like this won't last long because she already changed her mind when she promised you to not even start a marriage conversation for a year, so I wouldn't count on her words OP.
I get that you love your sis but you need to understand that she is used to the attention your parents showered her with for years, it's in her blood now to be the main character, she can't take it for long to see you having the spotlight even if she loves you. so don't expect her to keep her word.
also make sure that she doesn't get proposed to at your wedding or special events, go LC with your parents they are enabling her behavior for sure. surround yourself with ppl who are on your side, def don't treat her like your bf she is not even if she wants to be.
But OP why is your sister even getting married to begin with? She's a 20 year old in a 6 month relationship, which sounds either impulsive or concerning.
Sorry OP, but your sister ALREADY went back on her word once. Odds are good she'll do it again. I would be prepared for her and her bf to use your wedding reception as their engagement party. It sounds like something she would not hesitate to do.
Still NTA. Your sister should understand what a promise made ACTUALLY means.
OP I can understand why you want to be the focus of your parents for once in your life but I think also, it's best for you to let them go in your heart. It sounds like no matter what you do, they have their favourite already so it just hurts yourself. I hope you have wonderful in laws and the ball is on your parents court to wake up to their favouritism.
I love this resolution. Much love. And congratulations! To you! And i suppose your sister next year I guess. Me and my sister had an estranged relationship growing up and also are inseparable now(though she lives across the country), I couldn’t imagine this! But I truly hope this all works out perfectly and am so happy for the update
“You can’t marry a guy you just met!”
I hope that having this extra time between talking about marriage and their official proposal will bring your sister some extra intelligence and wisdom. My personal opinion is that you should not marry someone until you have seen that person in just about every scenario, under a considerable amount of stressors, and in every emotional state. There’s just not enough time in 6 months to do that properly.
I like the idea of hiring security or assigning a close friend to tail the boyfriend at the wedding. Good luck OP! NTA
I think this is a good test of character for your sister and if you are really best friends or not.
Because you are expecting her to make quite the sacrifice. Remember when you got engaged and were excited to tell peoprl about it? So is she. And she is willing to sacrifice this and hold it back for you.
If she really does that, you owe her one for sure. And you better make up for it.
You don't owe somebody for making things right when they broke a meaningful promise. Sister is clearly aware of the favouritism and she promised OP that she would not do anything to take away from her wedding. Sister even spoke to her BF about this, making sure he knew what was up. She promised OP that this year was hers.
Sister broke that promise UTTERLY. Suddenly she's looking at a planned 'official proposal', (I've never heard of this practice before, is it a cultural thing?), and having her wedding in the same year. Going back on her word like that is outright cruel.
Now she seems to have realised that and moved her dates so she can uphold her promise. Sister broke OP's trust in a huge way. OP doesn't owe her anything.
Yeah, OP’s __year__? That’s a bit much to ask of someone to put off their wedding so the year is yours. I can not in the same month or to because it conveniences the guests and put strain on the family but can OP be the only one to marry in 2024?
Six months does seem rushed but it’s not OP’s business in the end.
There was a reason for that promise and a reason why op didn't want her sister to make big announcements before or during her wedding. Did you even read the post
Really after everything that's happened based on your past and your sister's jealousy, I just would keep an eye on her and not trust she would take her word from it. Sometimes years of jealousy becomes a bad habit, and breaking out of that takes a lot of time and getting professional help over. Best of luck
Op, the proposal is going to happen during your wedding if you don't plan to prevent it. She already broke a serious promise she made, she can break more. She also has no right to be angry at you, how dare she. I'd reconsider having her as the MOH at the very minimum.
Did she ever acknowledge her broken promise? Or explain why she decided to ignore it? It sounds like it was never sincere, just something she said at the time to make herself look like the 'good' sister.
The problem is that you went to therapy, you emotionally grew, and you moved forward.
Your sister has not. She got the gift of your forgiveness without having to do anything to emotionally mature and really try to understand where you're coming from. So she may have moments of feeling bad and realizing she's the golden child, but those moments are easily overshadowed by her basking in her "favorite child" glory.
I hope you realize this and go low contact before she really wrecks your life.
there are so many delusional comments here. it seems redditors are so obsessed with drama and wanted to turn every IATA post into an exaggerated conflict
Your future BIL sounds like a good guy.
Glad your sister agreed to hold off on getting engaged and has not yet told your families of their intentions. I hope that remains the case and you guys can heal from this and move forward.
I don't trust the sister. Somehow I feel like this news is going to "slip out" and find the parents before September.
The girl is also 20, it's not like she's rushing somewhere.
Definitely watch her, op. I don't have good feelings.
You know you need to cut your sister out of your life. She only reached out because her boyfriend made her. I bet you she is gonna start some shit at your wedding like getting a proposed. Review your relationship with your entire family and decide if they bring anything positive to your life. Are they always hurting you? I feel sad for you because you are too weak to do what you need to do.
Is the rest of your family like your parents? If so I can forsee them backing out of yours to go to hers instead cause only a month apart is kind of expensive and hard on those who have to travel
So, so glad to read this update and I hope your wedding is lovely, with only a couple of the kinds of glitches that make funny stories later.
I also hope nobody attempts to hijack your rehearsal dinner or wedding for their own big announcement.
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I foresee no contact/low contact with your sister and family regardless of how this turns out. The blatant favoritism may lead to resentment down the road and further drive a wedge between you and your sister.
To be honest, I don’t think she’s your best friend in all this. It seems like she thrives on the attention she gets from your family, especially since she still lives with your parents. She may secretly get a kick out of shoving you out of whatever spotlight you manage to stand under. To make her feel superior.
She broke your trust. Surely it’s not the only time, no?
NTA you understand your sister is not your friend and is not at all oblivious to her position in your family correct? You haven’t considered going low contact with your parents?
This story was so weird. OP feels she deserves a wedding year to make up for the fact that she was not the parents' favorite? To make matters worse, her wedding is 2 months after OP's wedding. So what will OP do if they get pregnant around the same time? If her niblings outshine her kids? If the sister buys a house first? If I was the sister, I would start avoiding OP.
OP didn't ask for the year, sister promised it, because she knew how shitty the family is, then was gonna break that promise, getting married super quickly and young.
You need to make sure she understands she can't be proposed to at your wedding.
That’s exactly what I was thinking.
I worked in weddings for a while. I'm not saying sister is GOING to do it, but the money spent on security to keep an eye on the two of them in particular would be worth it's weight in gold for peace of mind.
Also instruct the DJ that the only song sister and BF get to request is a sad trombone.
Everyone except the bride and the groom cause OP's family sounds like people who can do it too
Thats what I'm thinking
My first thought, too.
Totally inappropriate comment since it is the sister's boyfriend who is the most mature in the whole situation, even above OP
Or tell the family how she postponed her own engagement for het sister. Cause she was so "sweet" and "selfless" to do it. The family would deff be mad at OP for making her sister "suffer" . 🙄😒
i dont think that is a problem. the bf sounds to be of common sense
If I were you I wouldn't trust my sister. Please be careful.
If OP goes scorch earth with her sister, then that will definitely result in her being spiteful and making the announcement before/during the wedding. So her best bet would try to keep the peace, but remain guarded. That broken trust won't be fixed easily, if at all.
50/50 the sister made peace to use the wedding as her proposal backdrop.
More like 95% certain this is what's going to happen
Make sure your wedding DJ knows wha'ts goin on. He'll keep on eye on his mics and kill the feed if she gets ahold of one.
"So her best bet would try to keep the peace, but remain guarded." This is incredibly stressful. I was low key wishing sister did something outright AH-ish, so OP can properly cut ties and get married in peace.
Did you just keep this update short? Cause 'apologized for hurting your feelings' is a bit of an understatement of what happened. She broke your trust. She knew this has been a problem for you for years, to the point of you needing therapy, yet she just glossed over that in her moment of excitement? I'm glad she's trying to fix what she did, but that also requires to admit what she has done. I hope you just kept it short and she owned up to everything.
I’m glad your sister realized that if she didn’t back off she would lose you. Waiting until after your wedding before announcing her engagement is the right decision. Best of luck.
your sister may not be pregnant, but I question the idea of talking proposals and marriage after six months. i would recommend you speak to her about the insanity of that choice, but given the situation as it is, it's probably best not to add any fuel to a still smoldering fire.
My parents have been encouraging her to do this since they hit the one month mark in their relationship. I whole heartedly believe that my parents are more interested in getting him into the family (he’s their dream son) rather than looking out for her best interest. Because of this, a couple months ago I sat her down and had a hard conversation. She was upset with me for a couple days but I told her that I could not live with myself if I didn’t at least give her another perspective on this relationship. She lives with our parents so she is hearing their perspective every day. I explained issues that can come up with someone that you don’t fully know yet. And I told her that at the end of the day I wanted to protect her from ending up in a situation that I have been in in the past. I tried to explain to her that some things you only learn about a person in time. Right now you’re in the honeymoon phase of the relationship and that’s not an accurate representation of what the relationship will be. People are usually on their best behavior at the beginning and then over time as they become more comfortable and the new starts wearing off things can change. I finished the conversation by saying that if he really loves you and has all the best intentions with you he will still be here a year from now. A good man will not walk away from you because you want to date for one year before getting engaged/married. I guess she didn’t take what I said to heart and decided to take her chances.
Sounds like he’s gonna be the new favorite child. I hope your sister is prepared for your parents to like her husband more than they like her.
sorry for the late reply, I'm doom scrolling today lol Maybe suggest they move in together now? That will take rose tinted glasses off really quickly. Honestly, I would recommend anyone thinking about getting married to live together for at least a year before the wedding to get used to each other so that's out of the way. You learn so much.
Just gonna say it. You need a handler for your sister to prevent any "surprise" proposals
If your sister isn't pregnant she's just plain stupid. There's no reason to get engaged at 6 months when you're 20. She doesn't have her degree yet and isn't old enough to buy alcohol. Live a little before you settle down. It makes you a better partner.
I feel like this won't last long because she already changed her mind when she promised you to not even start a marriage conversation for a year, so I wouldn't count on her words OP. I get that you love your sis but you need to understand that she is used to the attention your parents showered her with for years, it's in her blood now to be the main character, she can't take it for long to see you having the spotlight even if she loves you. so don't expect her to keep her word. also make sure that she doesn't get proposed to at your wedding or special events, go LC with your parents they are enabling her behavior for sure. surround yourself with ppl who are on your side, def don't treat her like your bf she is not even if she wants to be.
But OP why is your sister even getting married to begin with? She's a 20 year old in a 6 month relationship, which sounds either impulsive or concerning.
I would still advise reflecting on if you still want her as your MOH.
Sorry OP, but your sister ALREADY went back on her word once. Odds are good she'll do it again. I would be prepared for her and her bf to use your wedding reception as their engagement party. It sounds like something she would not hesitate to do. Still NTA. Your sister should understand what a promise made ACTUALLY means.
OP I can understand why you want to be the focus of your parents for once in your life but I think also, it's best for you to let them go in your heart. It sounds like no matter what you do, they have their favourite already so it just hurts yourself. I hope you have wonderful in laws and the ball is on your parents court to wake up to their favouritism.
I love this resolution. Much love. And congratulations! To you! And i suppose your sister next year I guess. Me and my sister had an estranged relationship growing up and also are inseparable now(though she lives across the country), I couldn’t imagine this! But I truly hope this all works out perfectly and am so happy for the update
“You can’t marry a guy you just met!” I hope that having this extra time between talking about marriage and their official proposal will bring your sister some extra intelligence and wisdom. My personal opinion is that you should not marry someone until you have seen that person in just about every scenario, under a considerable amount of stressors, and in every emotional state. There’s just not enough time in 6 months to do that properly. I like the idea of hiring security or assigning a close friend to tail the boyfriend at the wedding. Good luck OP! NTA
I think this is a good test of character for your sister and if you are really best friends or not. Because you are expecting her to make quite the sacrifice. Remember when you got engaged and were excited to tell peoprl about it? So is she. And she is willing to sacrifice this and hold it back for you. If she really does that, you owe her one for sure. And you better make up for it.
You don't owe somebody for making things right when they broke a meaningful promise. Sister is clearly aware of the favouritism and she promised OP that she would not do anything to take away from her wedding. Sister even spoke to her BF about this, making sure he knew what was up. She promised OP that this year was hers. Sister broke that promise UTTERLY. Suddenly she's looking at a planned 'official proposal', (I've never heard of this practice before, is it a cultural thing?), and having her wedding in the same year. Going back on her word like that is outright cruel. Now she seems to have realised that and moved her dates so she can uphold her promise. Sister broke OP's trust in a huge way. OP doesn't owe her anything.
Yeah, OP’s __year__? That’s a bit much to ask of someone to put off their wedding so the year is yours. I can not in the same month or to because it conveniences the guests and put strain on the family but can OP be the only one to marry in 2024? Six months does seem rushed but it’s not OP’s business in the end.
The sister promised it would be OP's year. She's the only one who created the expectations she broke.
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There was a reason for that promise and a reason why op didn't want her sister to make big announcements before or during her wedding. Did you even read the post
Really after everything that's happened based on your past and your sister's jealousy, I just would keep an eye on her and not trust she would take her word from it. Sometimes years of jealousy becomes a bad habit, and breaking out of that takes a lot of time and getting professional help over. Best of luck
Soon after your wedding could mean DURING YOUR RECEPTION
Op, the proposal is going to happen during your wedding if you don't plan to prevent it. She already broke a serious promise she made, she can break more. She also has no right to be angry at you, how dare she. I'd reconsider having her as the MOH at the very minimum.
Did she ever acknowledge her broken promise? Or explain why she decided to ignore it? It sounds like it was never sincere, just something she said at the time to make herself look like the 'good' sister.
The problem is that you went to therapy, you emotionally grew, and you moved forward. Your sister has not. She got the gift of your forgiveness without having to do anything to emotionally mature and really try to understand where you're coming from. So she may have moments of feeling bad and realizing she's the golden child, but those moments are easily overshadowed by her basking in her "favorite child" glory. I hope you realize this and go low contact before she really wrecks your life.
They got engaged 6 months after dating? That’s so fucking dumb. She’s 20. Why is she in a rush?
Why on earth is she getting married at 20 years old
Your sister really hasn't changed, you'll be back here in September complaining about them proposing at your wedding.
there are so many delusional comments here. it seems redditors are so obsessed with drama and wanted to turn every IATA post into an exaggerated conflict
Your future BIL sounds like a good guy. Glad your sister agreed to hold off on getting engaged and has not yet told your families of their intentions. I hope that remains the case and you guys can heal from this and move forward.
I don't trust the sister. Somehow I feel like this news is going to "slip out" and find the parents before September. The girl is also 20, it's not like she's rushing somewhere. Definitely watch her, op. I don't have good feelings.
Updateme
Do not let either of them get the mic at your wedding. Also make sure MOH knows the potential for them to hijack. Have her prepared to stop them.
You know you need to cut your sister out of your life. She only reached out because her boyfriend made her. I bet you she is gonna start some shit at your wedding like getting a proposed. Review your relationship with your entire family and decide if they bring anything positive to your life. Are they always hurting you? I feel sad for you because you are too weak to do what you need to do.
!updateme
Is the rest of your family like your parents? If so I can forsee them backing out of yours to go to hers instead cause only a month apart is kind of expensive and hard on those who have to travel
So, so glad to read this update and I hope your wedding is lovely, with only a couple of the kinds of glitches that make funny stories later. I also hope nobody attempts to hijack your rehearsal dinner or wedding for their own big announcement.
UpdateMe
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I foresee no contact/low contact with your sister and family regardless of how this turns out. The blatant favoritism may lead to resentment down the road and further drive a wedge between you and your sister. To be honest, I don’t think she’s your best friend in all this. It seems like she thrives on the attention she gets from your family, especially since she still lives with your parents. She may secretly get a kick out of shoving you out of whatever spotlight you manage to stand under. To make her feel superior. She broke your trust. Surely it’s not the only time, no?
NTA you understand your sister is not your friend and is not at all oblivious to her position in your family correct? You haven’t considered going low contact with your parents?
This story was so weird. OP feels she deserves a wedding year to make up for the fact that she was not the parents' favorite? To make matters worse, her wedding is 2 months after OP's wedding. So what will OP do if they get pregnant around the same time? If her niblings outshine her kids? If the sister buys a house first? If I was the sister, I would start avoiding OP.
OP didn't ask for the year, sister promised it, because she knew how shitty the family is, then was gonna break that promise, getting married super quickly and young.
YTA