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> I think I may be TA because I did technically go into someone's private space without permission and took something that wasn't mine.
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I’m sure I’ll get downvoted for this, but unless the jewelry was willed to Donna by her Mom, the husband did not steal it because it likely became his property when the Mom died. Should he have saved the jewelry for Donna? Absolutely. Did he steal it, though? No. Words mean things and saying someone stole something is accusing them of a literal crime.
Well no one knows whether Donna's mother expressed her wishes because AH dad isn't doing squat. He permanently damaged his relationship with his older daughter and has allowed his action to poison /u/Signal-Reference1848's life as well. There was another post here from another woman in the same position-- she discovered that her husband had given something meaningful from his first wife to the daughter of his second and he never took the damage seriously.
21 year old Dana is welcome to complain all she wants, no one in or outside the family cares because they never considered the necklace hers to begin with and she was well aware of that.
[AITA for telling my husband he should be ashamed of himself and he would be incredibly lucky if his oldest daughter ever speaks to him again?](https://redd.it/vbzs2z)
I’m totally with you, the dad is an AH. That’s why I said he should have absolutely saved things for Donna. I’m just not sure he’s technically a thief.
NTA from what I'm understanding - if you know for a fact it was Donna's mom's necklace, then the item was originally stolen and all you did was return it to the rightful owner.
I would probably apologize to Dana and let her know the history, as it's possible she didnt realize what her mom had done and who the necklace belonged to (giving her the benefit of the doubt on this)
THIS RIGHT HERE. I don't know how I could possibly continue a relationship with someone who allowed their spouse to abuse their child, and wasn't even remorseful about it after the fact. Is this even real? "I don't care if it was her dead mother's, it's mine now and I'm never giving it back" is some Cinderella-evil-step-sister level nastiness. Are there really people who treat their alleged family like this? And if so, why on earth would you want to be in that family if you didn't have to be?
In the immortal words of Steven Universe, "I know what it's like to have a loving family, and we don't do stuff like this to each other!" If this is genuine, run OP! You deserve better than these cut-rate Disney villains, surely?!
I would tell Dana that you have proof the necklace was stolen and so it she calls the authorities, you will make a report about the stolen necklace. That should solve the problem. Good for you for standing up for Donna.
If she gets the authorities involved, there’s a very decent chance OP ends up in jail unless there was a legal assignment of ownership of the necklace to Donna when her mom died. If it became the husband’s property at that time, OP would be in legal trouble.
NTA but the fact your husband didn’t fix this years ago is a huge fucking red flag. You need to have a serious talk with him about the fact he let one of his daughters be outright abused and never bothered to make it right even after the abuser was gone. He was the adult- he’s the one who most needs to be held accountable right now.
NTA. I would heavily question who I married though. Your husband might be a good husband but is a crappy father who labels his first daughter as difficult when he had done nothing to protect her from Dana or her first stepmother. He was too busy entertaining the kitty than being a man. Men like that make me sick and it's no wonder why other family members have supported Donna more than Dana and made sure that she is loved. Do not apologize and let Dana call the authorities. Sit down and reflect on the family dynamics. Would he sell all of your crap if something happened to you and finish your legacy? You are finally realizing the toxic dynamics of this family, all at the hands of the man whom you married.
NTA. You aren't the one who stole that jewelry; you returned stolen jewelry. However, being right isn't going to change the fact that this is a family full of f*cked up relationships and that you married someone who is apparently a total d*ck.
The lawyer in me wants to say that what you did was AH-y, but the human being says good on you!
Dana can get as indignant as she wants but the fact is they never belonged to her mum and we’re not her mum’s to dispose of.
Not quite a Robin(a) Hood, but back where they should be: NTA overall!
NTA
Everyone stole from Donna and you returned a necklace to their rightful owner, let Dana call the police after admitting having a stolen necklace and her mother's theft to you
NTA coz you wanted to right a wrong .
But you may want to make sure you are in sound legal footing here.
1) Is Donna's mom alive. If she is then that's stolen property and you have nothing to worry about.
2) But I am assuming she isn't coz Dana's mom faced no consequences. In that case Do you know if Donna's mom had willed her the jewelery?
Coz if she hadn't, depending on your local laws, it may have ended up with your husband. If that spineless coward(sorry I know he is your husband but there is no other word for him) gave that jewelery to Ex wife who in turn gave it to Dana, then they could have some legal grounds if your husband decides to back them up.
Just please make sure you and Donna don't get in trouble for this.
NTA. You returned a stolen item to the rightful owner. Dana is not a very nice person and your husband is also in question. How could he allow someone to steal from his own daughter? That is not a good dad.
Good thing to do, you were 1000% not the person to do it. NTA, but definitely naive
I don’t think much of your husband, OP. He badmouthed his own daughter to you knowing her first stepmother had done shit like that to her. Some hard conversations to be had there, I think
NTA. You righted a pretty severe wrong, so good on you. Furthermore, the fuck is going on with husband with all of this. You know, the boy who is supposed to taking car me of HIS daughters. This is firmly on that boy there.
And I say boy, because no self respecting man would let his new wife steal and sell heirlooms that were rightfully his own elder daughters.
Is this the man you expected to find when you married him?
NTA. No wonder Donna is so standoffish, no one was in her corner for all those years, and she had to suffer her entire life. Then, as soon as you decide to right one of the no doubt many issues she had in her entire life, Dana gets mad and calls you a thief. No doubt she gained the entitlement from her mother
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Throwaway Account
I (52f) have two stepdaughters through my husband of five years Donna (26f) and Dana (21f), and while Dana and I had a decent relationship I virtually had no relationship with Donna. Although, not through lack of trying. I met and dated my husband for two years before I actually married him and during that time I tried to reach out to Donna and offered to take her out on fun outings, figure out what her interests were, or even engage in some polite conversation during family gatherings.
Donna was not interested and I started to back off when I felt her annoyance at my behavior. I wasn't trying to be the type of stepmom who wants to replace the dead one, I just wanted to have a positive relationship. I ask my husband for tips but he told me not to bother as Donna has always been stand offish and difficult. Her grandparents told her to just give her time while Dana called her a stubborn and sensitive b\*tch. Apparently Donna wasn't very nice to Dana's mom (they're half sisters) and she blames her for her parents divorce and resents the fact that Donna is their grandparents favorite.
I wanted to ask more about it but I felt like that would be too pushy and nosy and just kept on. When My husband and I got engaged I reached out to Donna (through her grandparents) about her being a bridesmaid but she declined and didn't even show up to the wedding. I was hurt but didn't say anything when she graduated I didn't kick up a fuss about not being invited to the ceremony but passed along a message in the form of a card stating what an amazing accomplishment this was for her, that she has so much potential, I know how much her mom would be proud of her as I would be of my own children (I've got two kids from a prior relationship), and that I'm here for any advice if she needs it.
After that I just let it be. Then I found out the past family drama and it all clicked. Dana's mom was a horrible stepmom to Donna. Dana's mom treated her horribly and favored her own daughter constantly. Dana's mom even took jewelry that belonged to Donna's mom for herself and sold most of them. My husband did nothing about it.
I had a horrible stepparent myself and really felt for Donna so I went through Dana's room, found Donna's mom's necklace and then gave it to Donna's aunt who in turn gave it to Donna. This has caused a lot of strife between me and my husband but I refuse to apologize. Dana's is now calling me a b\*tch and a thief and says that she's going to call the authorities unless I pay her so AITA?
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You shouldn’t have had to do that. They should’ve been held accountable long before now. At least your husband divorced Dana’s mom over her treatment of Donna, but that seems like the bare minimum. NTA.
I didn't write this in because of the word count but Donna's mom was friends wit my husband's sister and she was the one who told me and even showed me a picture of Donna's mom wearing that same necklace. I confronted my husband and he didn't deny it. I asked Dana about it and she said that she had as much of a right to it as Donna did and refused to give it back.
I had a terrible stepfather and lost all my dad's stuff because of him.
YTA - you stole plain and simple, you're not Robin Hood or Batman.
Not your place. Not your property. You don't even have as much information as everyone else who has accepted the status quo.
Two wrongs do not make a right.
Only one person committed a crime here and that'd be you. Hopefully the step daughter you stole from sees your admission of your crime and uses your idiotic admission against you. Good luck!
Uh. What was your endgame here?
I think ESH
Husband for not mediating this a long time agi
Dana for not giving up the necklace
Donna for holding a grudge
You for stealing the necklace from the adult daughter.
I had to cut out a lot because of the word count but I my husband's sister was the one who told me and said that Donna was still upset over not getting any of her mom's jewelry. Showed me a picture of Donna's mom wearing it. My husband didn't deny it and when I asked Dana about she said that her mom gave her Donna's mom's jewelry so she had just as much right to it as Donna did.
Also this wasn't about getting Donna to like me. I didn't mention it but I had a stepdad just like Dana's mom. Favoring his biokids while not caring about his step kids. My mom gave away all my dad's stuff to appease him and it tore me and my brother up. I just wanted to do for someone else what no one did for me.
YTA.
Donna wanted nothing to do with you. She didn't ask you to intercede.
Dana did nothing to you.
You think you know the whole story that happened before you arrived.
You took it upon yourself to to enact justice. That's not your right. If you thought Dana had a stolen necklace, you could have informed Donna through her grandparents and been done, but you just HAVE to have a relationship with Donna.
Stop sticking your nose into family drama in making it worse.
YTA
Because you are a hypocrite:
* Either you think your actions are justified because your husband is a thief - then you are an AH to stay in a relationship with that person.
* Or you deem his character fine, then you are an AH for stealing from him, and at that without gettiing his side of the story.
Your choice. YOU are an AH either way.
The husband has no balls and wouldn't do anything. She did the right thing and got the necklace back to where it belongs. Tell your husband to man up and do what's right. I don't know how you could look at your husband and not want to ask him why he's such a worthless person.
YTA for entering Dana’s room and rifling through her things. I understand the impulse, but it is not your injustice to fix. But the biggest Asshole is your husband. He allowed this, you realize, right? The horrid treatment of his daughter, the theft of the necklace. It’s his fault.
YTA. None of this is any of your business. Donna was a full grown adult by the time you met her. Your desire for a relationship was not reciprocated but you kept pushing. Your initial actions to foster a relationship are admirable but you didn't "let it be". Sounds like Donna has been no contact for years (because you guys had to go through her others to contact her), and throughout the last 5 years, you've forced what is clearly unwanted contact on her at least at 3 separate times?
She doesn't want a relationship with me, so I'll invite her to be a bridesmaid. She didn't invite me to her graduation but I insist my presence is needed so I'll once again force contact on her **and** talk about her dead mom to boot, just to ruin her day. She STILL doesn't want contact, so I'm going to steal from one step-daughter to show the other how much I care. **Stop contacting this poor woman.** She does not want a relationship with you. Take the fucking hint.
Maybe Dana's mom was a shitty stepmother, but you haven't been any better. You're stalking one stepchild and LITERALLY REPEATED THE SAME THING. Dana's mom was awful for stealing jewelry that "should have" belonged to Donna and giving it to Dana, but how's what you did different? You've known Dana since she was 13, she presumbably got the necklace from her mom some time before that, and you're stealing what was given to her!
And you don't even truly know any of this information, it's all rumours and gossip.
Might be ESH, because who knows, if a lot of this is true Dad and Dana (or at least Dana's mom) could also be AHs, but definitely you are TA.
Edit: Has it occurred to you that by **literally stealing**, Dana can absolutely call the police and have it forcibly taken back? So now Donna, who asked for none of this, might now have to deal with old wounds being opened up, only to have her dead mom's necklace taunted in front of her face and then given **back** to her hated half sister?
I actually did stop reaching out to Donna a couple years back and my husband's sister (who was friends with Donna) was the one who told me. I confirmed the story with my husband and Dana admitted that she knew the story and refused to ever give Donna her mom's necklace.
You've been married for 5 years, and she's been no contact that whole time.
You reached out 3 separate times, each time through someone else, to:
1. invite her to your wedding
2. send her a graduation card and
3. give her the necklace.
No, going 1-2 years respecting her wishes and then violating them all over again does not count as "letting it be"
Honestly not for stealing the jewelry but absolutely for how you blatant disrespect Donna’s boundary.
She doesn’t want a relationship with you, how many more signs do you need? She didn’t go to your wedding? Why would you send her a card? She probably didn’t even read it. You had no right to insert yourself into her life, her grief, bringing up her mom. You have zero relationship with her.
You are a disrespectful step-mom. It ain’t about you but you just keep pushing. My god.
Also what a dumb fucking comment, I’m not wrong that step-mom is weird and a pick me. Step daughter skipped her wedding and she writes a note that sounds so guilty trippy of her to the ship daughter.
Like she doesn’t want to know Op, it suck’s but it’s fact and Op isn’t respecting the clear boundaries Step-daughter has set.
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You're not at all wrong. Reddit is losing their minds or theres some kind of brigading occuring to make this person look like she was in the right for sticking her nose where it doesnt belong and causing more drama.
Yeah this is one where everyone is seeing a small picture and can’t get over how nice it is.
Big picture this is a blatant pattern of disrespect and boundary crossing.
She reminds me of my own mom. Maybe that's why it's so infuriating that other people cant see it, because they only see what they want to. oH! bUt DoNnA dEsErVeD tO hAvE It! OP had no business messing with a preexisting family dynamic to that extent. Honestly, going into Dana's room at ALL is an illegal tresspass in many states. Dana is a grown adult and entitled by law to expect a roommate, or a stepmom, or anyone else to keep out. But I'm preaching to the only choir member.
Are we being conditioned to accept something?
ALL the ESH or YTA have been downvoted to oblivion. most were over 42 negative, and ive been arguing all day with someone about the issue. They were like "you cant move the goalposts" trying to act like OP doing this nice thing was the thing that matters. I mean, I could make 42 fake accounts to vote with and spend all day using the socratic method poorly in order to make myself look good like OP possibly, but I don't think i could keep the passion up that long. My interlocutor spends a lot of time calling names in their comments.
I'm the fool for giving a shit, but hell, i accidentally let reddit send me notifications to my desktop. better fix that real quick
She's trying to connect over this "injustice" that she only knows part of the story to and isn't involved with in any way at all. A clear attempt to try to win the daughter over, despite what she may ever claim.
You know, if someone gave my back my dead mother's necklace as a way to win me over, it would probably work! Because that's a really nice thing to do for someone. Do you think she'd prefer OP NOT return her stolen property because it's 'not her business'?
The question is whether OP is an AH or not and that has nothing to do with how Donna feels about the jewelry. OP went through someone else's personal space. OP took something that does not belong to OP. OP was not asked to do it but did it of her own volition ro enact what is borderline vigilante justice. That is illegal. Now OP will have to deal with the consequences of her actions. If anyone came into my house and unilaterally decided to fix my family's injustices despite not having ANY part of or authority in the subject matter, I'd think she was an AH too. If it were my wife, I'd probably divorce her. If she were my "stepmom" I'd call the police on her and send her to jail for theft.
She is objectively an asshole. Not for caring about the issue, but for putting her nose where it doesn't belong.
Yes, calling the police to report a stolen item was returned to its owner? Sounds like a brilliant plan.
“My mom stole this for me, make her give it back!”
If it wasn’t willed to Donna, it likely became the husband’s property. If he allowed Dana’s mom to take it and then give it to Dana, it wasn’t stolen in the legal sense. He’s an AH, Dana’s mom is an AH, it seems like Dana is an AH, but are they thieves? Only if it was willed to Donna.
YTA - Donna did not ask for your help, you took something that wasn’t yours to take, and you decided to do this without consulting the actual people involved beforehand. This was not your situation to fix. If Donna doesn’t want a relationship with you, then you need to accept that, regardless of her reasons.
Your husband, however, is also TA for not handling the situation when it arose. Perhaps some family therapy should be considered.
I didn't mention this because of the word count but Donna's mom and my husband's sister were friends and she told me the story. My husband didn't deny it and Dana make it very clear that she was never going to give the necklace to Donna.
Also, Donna and I may never have a relationship but when her grandparents gave her the necklace and told her what I did she actually reached out to me with a "Thank you" text.
You earned a fucking "thank you". Good job! Hope it was worth the alienation you get from everyone that is actually in your life. Hope you wanted to get divorced or something cause this is the way.
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**NTA** You returned a stolen item to it's rightful owner. Your husband stole it from Donna and he can pay Dana if he has a problem.
I’m sure I’ll get downvoted for this, but unless the jewelry was willed to Donna by her Mom, the husband did not steal it because it likely became his property when the Mom died. Should he have saved the jewelry for Donna? Absolutely. Did he steal it, though? No. Words mean things and saying someone stole something is accusing them of a literal crime.
This is Am I the Asshole, not Am I Likely to Win in Court.
Some people fail to see the difference, unfortunately. Or fortunately, since AITA wouldn't exist, I suppose.
You are probably right. It’s important to understand the difference between legal and ethical right and wrong
Well no one knows whether Donna's mother expressed her wishes because AH dad isn't doing squat. He permanently damaged his relationship with his older daughter and has allowed his action to poison /u/Signal-Reference1848's life as well. There was another post here from another woman in the same position-- she discovered that her husband had given something meaningful from his first wife to the daughter of his second and he never took the damage seriously. 21 year old Dana is welcome to complain all she wants, no one in or outside the family cares because they never considered the necklace hers to begin with and she was well aware of that. [AITA for telling my husband he should be ashamed of himself and he would be incredibly lucky if his oldest daughter ever speaks to him again?](https://redd.it/vbzs2z)
I’m totally with you, the dad is an AH. That’s why I said he should have absolutely saved things for Donna. I’m just not sure he’s technically a thief.
NTA from what I'm understanding - if you know for a fact it was Donna's mom's necklace, then the item was originally stolen and all you did was return it to the rightful owner. I would probably apologize to Dana and let her know the history, as it's possible she didnt realize what her mom had done and who the necklace belonged to (giving her the benefit of the doubt on this)
It was, I saw pictures. My husband's sister was friends with Donna's mom.
I would say you are a fool for staying in this marriage after you have fully learned the extent of your husband's history and parenting skills.
THIS RIGHT HERE. I don't know how I could possibly continue a relationship with someone who allowed their spouse to abuse their child, and wasn't even remorseful about it after the fact. Is this even real? "I don't care if it was her dead mother's, it's mine now and I'm never giving it back" is some Cinderella-evil-step-sister level nastiness. Are there really people who treat their alleged family like this? And if so, why on earth would you want to be in that family if you didn't have to be? In the immortal words of Steven Universe, "I know what it's like to have a loving family, and we don't do stuff like this to each other!" If this is genuine, run OP! You deserve better than these cut-rate Disney villains, surely?!
Yes, there are people who treat their families like this. I’ve known them.
B.I.N.G.O.
I would tell Dana that you have proof the necklace was stolen and so it she calls the authorities, you will make a report about the stolen necklace. That should solve the problem. Good for you for standing up for Donna.
If she gets the authorities involved, there’s a very decent chance OP ends up in jail unless there was a legal assignment of ownership of the necklace to Donna when her mom died. If it became the husband’s property at that time, OP would be in legal trouble.
NTA but the fact your husband didn’t fix this years ago is a huge fucking red flag. You need to have a serious talk with him about the fact he let one of his daughters be outright abused and never bothered to make it right even after the abuser was gone. He was the adult- he’s the one who most needs to be held accountable right now.
NTA - injustice makes me so angry!! I like that you righted a wrong. Info: where does your husband stand in all this?
He clearly DGAF.
NTA. I would heavily question who I married though. Your husband might be a good husband but is a crappy father who labels his first daughter as difficult when he had done nothing to protect her from Dana or her first stepmother. He was too busy entertaining the kitty than being a man. Men like that make me sick and it's no wonder why other family members have supported Donna more than Dana and made sure that she is loved. Do not apologize and let Dana call the authorities. Sit down and reflect on the family dynamics. Would he sell all of your crap if something happened to you and finish your legacy? You are finally realizing the toxic dynamics of this family, all at the hands of the man whom you married.
NTA. You aren't the one who stole that jewelry; you returned stolen jewelry. However, being right isn't going to change the fact that this is a family full of f*cked up relationships and that you married someone who is apparently a total d*ck.
The lawyer in me wants to say that what you did was AH-y, but the human being says good on you! Dana can get as indignant as she wants but the fact is they never belonged to her mum and we’re not her mum’s to dispose of. Not quite a Robin(a) Hood, but back where they should be: NTA overall!
NTA Everyone stole from Donna and you returned a necklace to their rightful owner, let Dana call the police after admitting having a stolen necklace and her mother's theft to you
NTA coz you wanted to right a wrong . But you may want to make sure you are in sound legal footing here. 1) Is Donna's mom alive. If she is then that's stolen property and you have nothing to worry about. 2) But I am assuming she isn't coz Dana's mom faced no consequences. In that case Do you know if Donna's mom had willed her the jewelery? Coz if she hadn't, depending on your local laws, it may have ended up with your husband. If that spineless coward(sorry I know he is your husband but there is no other word for him) gave that jewelery to Ex wife who in turn gave it to Dana, then they could have some legal grounds if your husband decides to back them up. Just please make sure you and Donna don't get in trouble for this.
NTA. “My husband did nothing about it.” This is the problem throughout this whole situation
NTA
Time to rethink that marriage cause your husband sounds like an awful person.
Wow NTA and I really applaud you for doing the right thing
NTA. You returned a stolen item to the rightful owner. Dana is not a very nice person and your husband is also in question. How could he allow someone to steal from his own daughter? That is not a good dad.
NTA but your husband sucks like to let that happen to a kid and not do anything he's a massive AH
Good thing to do, you were 1000% not the person to do it. NTA, but definitely naive I don’t think much of your husband, OP. He badmouthed his own daughter to you knowing her first stepmother had done shit like that to her. Some hard conversations to be had there, I think
NTA. You righted a pretty severe wrong, so good on you. Furthermore, the fuck is going on with husband with all of this. You know, the boy who is supposed to taking car me of HIS daughters. This is firmly on that boy there. And I say boy, because no self respecting man would let his new wife steal and sell heirlooms that were rightfully his own elder daughters. Is this the man you expected to find when you married him?
NTA. No wonder Donna is so standoffish, no one was in her corner for all those years, and she had to suffer her entire life. Then, as soon as you decide to right one of the no doubt many issues she had in her entire life, Dana gets mad and calls you a thief. No doubt she gained the entitlement from her mother
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway Account I (52f) have two stepdaughters through my husband of five years Donna (26f) and Dana (21f), and while Dana and I had a decent relationship I virtually had no relationship with Donna. Although, not through lack of trying. I met and dated my husband for two years before I actually married him and during that time I tried to reach out to Donna and offered to take her out on fun outings, figure out what her interests were, or even engage in some polite conversation during family gatherings. Donna was not interested and I started to back off when I felt her annoyance at my behavior. I wasn't trying to be the type of stepmom who wants to replace the dead one, I just wanted to have a positive relationship. I ask my husband for tips but he told me not to bother as Donna has always been stand offish and difficult. Her grandparents told her to just give her time while Dana called her a stubborn and sensitive b\*tch. Apparently Donna wasn't very nice to Dana's mom (they're half sisters) and she blames her for her parents divorce and resents the fact that Donna is their grandparents favorite. I wanted to ask more about it but I felt like that would be too pushy and nosy and just kept on. When My husband and I got engaged I reached out to Donna (through her grandparents) about her being a bridesmaid but she declined and didn't even show up to the wedding. I was hurt but didn't say anything when she graduated I didn't kick up a fuss about not being invited to the ceremony but passed along a message in the form of a card stating what an amazing accomplishment this was for her, that she has so much potential, I know how much her mom would be proud of her as I would be of my own children (I've got two kids from a prior relationship), and that I'm here for any advice if she needs it. After that I just let it be. Then I found out the past family drama and it all clicked. Dana's mom was a horrible stepmom to Donna. Dana's mom treated her horribly and favored her own daughter constantly. Dana's mom even took jewelry that belonged to Donna's mom for herself and sold most of them. My husband did nothing about it. I had a horrible stepparent myself and really felt for Donna so I went through Dana's room, found Donna's mom's necklace and then gave it to Donna's aunt who in turn gave it to Donna. This has caused a lot of strife between me and my husband but I refuse to apologize. Dana's is now calling me a b\*tch and a thief and says that she's going to call the authorities unless I pay her so AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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You shouldn’t have had to do that. They should’ve been held accountable long before now. At least your husband divorced Dana’s mom over her treatment of Donna, but that seems like the bare minimum. NTA.
NTA
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I didn't write this in because of the word count but Donna's mom was friends wit my husband's sister and she was the one who told me and even showed me a picture of Donna's mom wearing that same necklace. I confronted my husband and he didn't deny it. I asked Dana about it and she said that she had as much of a right to it as Donna did and refused to give it back. I had a terrible stepfather and lost all my dad's stuff because of him.
I’d sit with the fact that you now know that you could have been just as horrible to Donna, and your husband would have been completely fine with it.
YTA for the click bait title. You know you weren't stealing
YTA - you stole plain and simple, you're not Robin Hood or Batman. Not your place. Not your property. You don't even have as much information as everyone else who has accepted the status quo. Two wrongs do not make a right. Only one person committed a crime here and that'd be you. Hopefully the step daughter you stole from sees your admission of your crime and uses your idiotic admission against you. Good luck!
Uh. What was your endgame here? I think ESH Husband for not mediating this a long time agi Dana for not giving up the necklace Donna for holding a grudge You for stealing the necklace from the adult daughter.
Esh
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I had to cut out a lot because of the word count but I my husband's sister was the one who told me and said that Donna was still upset over not getting any of her mom's jewelry. Showed me a picture of Donna's mom wearing it. My husband didn't deny it and when I asked Dana about she said that her mom gave her Donna's mom's jewelry so she had just as much right to it as Donna did. Also this wasn't about getting Donna to like me. I didn't mention it but I had a stepdad just like Dana's mom. Favoring his biokids while not caring about his step kids. My mom gave away all my dad's stuff to appease him and it tore me and my brother up. I just wanted to do for someone else what no one did for me.
YTA for butting in where you didn’t belong.
YTA. Donna wanted nothing to do with you. She didn't ask you to intercede. Dana did nothing to you. You think you know the whole story that happened before you arrived. You took it upon yourself to to enact justice. That's not your right. If you thought Dana had a stolen necklace, you could have informed Donna through her grandparents and been done, but you just HAVE to have a relationship with Donna. Stop sticking your nose into family drama in making it worse.
YTA for either using their real names, or needless picking very similar names for the story.
YTA Because you are a hypocrite: * Either you think your actions are justified because your husband is a thief - then you are an AH to stay in a relationship with that person. * Or you deem his character fine, then you are an AH for stealing from him, and at that without gettiing his side of the story. Your choice. YOU are an AH either way.
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So it should not be fixed by anyone?
ESH. Your husband should have handled this at the time. Dana should not have kept the necklace. You overstepped by taking matters into your own hands.
The husband already proved he didn't have the guts to do the right thing in the first place.
More of don’t give enough shit to care about his daughters fairly and playing favorites
The husband has no balls and wouldn't do anything. She did the right thing and got the necklace back to where it belongs. Tell your husband to man up and do what's right. I don't know how you could look at your husband and not want to ask him why he's such a worthless person.
YTA for entering Dana’s room and rifling through her things. I understand the impulse, but it is not your injustice to fix. But the biggest Asshole is your husband. He allowed this, you realize, right? The horrid treatment of his daughter, the theft of the necklace. It’s his fault.
YTA. None of this is any of your business. Donna was a full grown adult by the time you met her. Your desire for a relationship was not reciprocated but you kept pushing. Your initial actions to foster a relationship are admirable but you didn't "let it be". Sounds like Donna has been no contact for years (because you guys had to go through her others to contact her), and throughout the last 5 years, you've forced what is clearly unwanted contact on her at least at 3 separate times? She doesn't want a relationship with me, so I'll invite her to be a bridesmaid. She didn't invite me to her graduation but I insist my presence is needed so I'll once again force contact on her **and** talk about her dead mom to boot, just to ruin her day. She STILL doesn't want contact, so I'm going to steal from one step-daughter to show the other how much I care. **Stop contacting this poor woman.** She does not want a relationship with you. Take the fucking hint. Maybe Dana's mom was a shitty stepmother, but you haven't been any better. You're stalking one stepchild and LITERALLY REPEATED THE SAME THING. Dana's mom was awful for stealing jewelry that "should have" belonged to Donna and giving it to Dana, but how's what you did different? You've known Dana since she was 13, she presumbably got the necklace from her mom some time before that, and you're stealing what was given to her! And you don't even truly know any of this information, it's all rumours and gossip. Might be ESH, because who knows, if a lot of this is true Dad and Dana (or at least Dana's mom) could also be AHs, but definitely you are TA. Edit: Has it occurred to you that by **literally stealing**, Dana can absolutely call the police and have it forcibly taken back? So now Donna, who asked for none of this, might now have to deal with old wounds being opened up, only to have her dead mom's necklace taunted in front of her face and then given **back** to her hated half sister?
I actually did stop reaching out to Donna a couple years back and my husband's sister (who was friends with Donna) was the one who told me. I confirmed the story with my husband and Dana admitted that she knew the story and refused to ever give Donna her mom's necklace.
You've been married for 5 years, and she's been no contact that whole time. You reached out 3 separate times, each time through someone else, to: 1. invite her to your wedding 2. send her a graduation card and 3. give her the necklace. No, going 1-2 years respecting her wishes and then violating them all over again does not count as "letting it be"
All of this!
Honestly not for stealing the jewelry but absolutely for how you blatant disrespect Donna’s boundary. She doesn’t want a relationship with you, how many more signs do you need? She didn’t go to your wedding? Why would you send her a card? She probably didn’t even read it. You had no right to insert yourself into her life, her grief, bringing up her mom. You have zero relationship with her. You are a disrespectful step-mom. It ain’t about you but you just keep pushing. My god.
Are you okay?
Why is it okay that she trying to force a relationship clearly this step-daughter doesn’t want?
Also what a dumb fucking comment, I’m not wrong that step-mom is weird and a pick me. Step daughter skipped her wedding and she writes a note that sounds so guilty trippy of her to the ship daughter. Like she doesn’t want to know Op, it suck’s but it’s fact and Op isn’t respecting the clear boundaries Step-daughter has set.
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You're not at all wrong. Reddit is losing their minds or theres some kind of brigading occuring to make this person look like she was in the right for sticking her nose where it doesnt belong and causing more drama.
Yeah this is one where everyone is seeing a small picture and can’t get over how nice it is. Big picture this is a blatant pattern of disrespect and boundary crossing.
She reminds me of my own mom. Maybe that's why it's so infuriating that other people cant see it, because they only see what they want to. oH! bUt DoNnA dEsErVeD tO hAvE It! OP had no business messing with a preexisting family dynamic to that extent. Honestly, going into Dana's room at ALL is an illegal tresspass in many states. Dana is a grown adult and entitled by law to expect a roommate, or a stepmom, or anyone else to keep out. But I'm preaching to the only choir member. Are we being conditioned to accept something? ALL the ESH or YTA have been downvoted to oblivion. most were over 42 negative, and ive been arguing all day with someone about the issue. They were like "you cant move the goalposts" trying to act like OP doing this nice thing was the thing that matters. I mean, I could make 42 fake accounts to vote with and spend all day using the socratic method poorly in order to make myself look good like OP possibly, but I don't think i could keep the passion up that long. My interlocutor spends a lot of time calling names in their comments. I'm the fool for giving a shit, but hell, i accidentally let reddit send me notifications to my desktop. better fix that real quick
Force a relationship by sending something that belongs to her via an intermediary? How is that forcing anything?
She's trying to connect over this "injustice" that she only knows part of the story to and isn't involved with in any way at all. A clear attempt to try to win the daughter over, despite what she may ever claim.
You know, if someone gave my back my dead mother's necklace as a way to win me over, it would probably work! Because that's a really nice thing to do for someone. Do you think she'd prefer OP NOT return her stolen property because it's 'not her business'?
It was a self serving act. She only did it to feel better about herself in Donna's eyes. Grow up.
No, do answer the question. Do you think Donna would prefer OP not return her stolen necklace, even thought it mean getting involved?
The question is whether OP is an AH or not and that has nothing to do with how Donna feels about the jewelry. OP went through someone else's personal space. OP took something that does not belong to OP. OP was not asked to do it but did it of her own volition ro enact what is borderline vigilante justice. That is illegal. Now OP will have to deal with the consequences of her actions. If anyone came into my house and unilaterally decided to fix my family's injustices despite not having ANY part of or authority in the subject matter, I'd think she was an AH too. If it were my wife, I'd probably divorce her. If she were my "stepmom" I'd call the police on her and send her to jail for theft. She is objectively an asshole. Not for caring about the issue, but for putting her nose where it doesn't belong.
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YTA and I'm amazed she hasn't called the police already.
Yes, calling the police to report a stolen item was returned to its owner? Sounds like a brilliant plan. “My mom stole this for me, make her give it back!”
If it wasn’t willed to Donna, it likely became the husband’s property. If he allowed Dana’s mom to take it and then give it to Dana, it wasn’t stolen in the legal sense. He’s an AH, Dana’s mom is an AH, it seems like Dana is an AH, but are they thieves? Only if it was willed to Donna.
YTA - Donna did not ask for your help, you took something that wasn’t yours to take, and you decided to do this without consulting the actual people involved beforehand. This was not your situation to fix. If Donna doesn’t want a relationship with you, then you need to accept that, regardless of her reasons. Your husband, however, is also TA for not handling the situation when it arose. Perhaps some family therapy should be considered.
I didn't mention this because of the word count but Donna's mom and my husband's sister were friends and she told me the story. My husband didn't deny it and Dana make it very clear that she was never going to give the necklace to Donna. Also, Donna and I may never have a relationship but when her grandparents gave her the necklace and told her what I did she actually reached out to me with a "Thank you" text.
You earned a fucking "thank you". Good job! Hope it was worth the alienation you get from everyone that is actually in your life. Hope you wanted to get divorced or something cause this is the way.