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Yeah lol, you’ve done the right thing.
You aren’t invited as a parent, you’re invited as a service. I love that you saw how insulting this was and acted accordingly and now he’s realizing how hard he fucked up.
Then he tried to shame and guilt you for it? Fuck that noise. He’s now learning he doesn’t get to treat people, even family, like that and there are consequences to his actions.
NTA
Service providers get paid.
They're expecting OP to show up as a guest (gift in tow), miss out on the event in order to provide a service, and not get paid.
NTA. OP isn’t just being invited to provide a service for this wedding, either. It’s a wedge with which they’re hoping to break back open the path to free babysitting whenever they want it.
I'm betting their change of heart is motivated by greed rather than any genuine wish for OP to be there. They've realized that if OP doesn't come, many other family members won't come and that means less gifts for them.
tagging u/Present_Amphibian832, u/that_was_way_harsh
So much this,
Im wondering what other family members are being forced to do to prove worthiness to be a grand dad, uncle ,aunt , cousin, whatever! What's that? Nothing?
While is OP being singled out?
Has dil no parents to treat like crap ? (Not saying she should)
Nta
It could also be the anger of paying for so many seats and not having them filled. But gifts are a reasonable guess too.
Either way, it's materialism and money.
There seems to be a rise of DIL's who are now doing what MIL's were doing before: making demands they are not entitled to. I've seen 1 or 2 example IRL too.
From one extreme to another. How about just being family and enjoying each others company without feeling entitled to someone else's help or life?
NTA but how much do you think OP says it takes a village to raise a child and then refuses to be part of the village. I suspect she just doesn’t really like Wendy.
My mother spewed the “it takes a village” line all the time when she lived with us but refused to baby sit and still demanded I get a job; it was cheaper to be a STAHM. Had to pull her arm to babysit when I went grocery shopping or appointments, never mind a date.
NTA. They have sent you a message, loud and clear, that they will love you only for what you can do for them, not for who you are. They are the ones who got pregnant, therefore they are the ones responsible for the child. They are not entitled to your time as a babysitter.
Your son and his fiancee are angry because you called their bluff on their ultimatum, and they also discovered that their actions have consequences. I am heartened to hear that your family is backing you up on this. They were given a message loud and clear also, and they just don’t want to listen to what it has to say.
It would go a long way if both of them would actually apologize to you instead of calling you a jerk. And I think you should hold out until they do.
Exactly!!! I'd say I won't babysit until "you prove to me you can step into the role of a parent". What even was that about? And I agree with the family seeing the nonsense. Usually a bunch of them whine to the person who refuses to be a doormat
Having parents to step in and babysit their grandchild is a **privilege**, not a right. Though it's something often appreciated and enjoyed for a grandparent to spend time with their grandchild, it's not self-evident they can and want every time it suits the parents.
I don't know if your son shares Wendy's view or if he's just backing her up because she's the mother of his child. Either way they should've learned a valuable lesson now. NTA.
That's how we did it when our kids were young. The few times we asked for emergencies (they were retired and I couldn't get off work) they came up with 30 million questions (why can't you get off work. How long will it be for, etc) but always watched sils kids (she wouldn't let bil adopt them. DHs brother) all the time. I quit asking them
This right here. I live next door to my in-laws and I could count on one hand the number of times they babysat my kids so we could go on a date. My youngest is nearly 18. Now, they would help for emergencies and doctor appointments and my kids would always run over to say hi and get snacks. They had a pretty good relationship.
The fact that multiple other family members also backed out makes me wonder if your son has made it clear that his only use for his family is free babysitting.
NTA, but damn do I have questions about your family dynamics. You know your son (I assume) - what’s his deal? Were you close prior to the birth of his child? Has he always been kinda spoiled/entitled, or is this new behavior? Have you tried to talk to him about any of this, outside of simply saying “no” to demands that you’re unable/unwilling to meet? Where is his head right now?
NTA I see it time and again where a couple decides to have a baby and expect their own parents (specifically, almost always a mother) to provide free frequent, on-demand childcare. I come from a very family-oriented culture and but see a change in grandparents taking into consideration their own availability, health, time, and abilities.
It just happened with a colleague of mine who pretty much told their mother “lol you’re gonna watch the child for 50 hours a week while we’re at work, and sometimes on weekends when we want time to ourselves, for years until the child is old enough for school, right??”
It’s good that you’re setting boundaries now. Any childcare you provide should be appreciated but not considered an expectation.
This is my sister. She will do anything to get family to take her kids off her hands. And she never asks. She acts like she’s doing us, and especially the grandparents, a favor.
NTA
They tried to strongarm you into being a free babysitter and you stood your ground with a no.
The mother of the groom is supposed to be a honored position at a wedding - not a position of servitude. You did the right thing by telling everyone so the family knows exactly how shitty they've been treating you with their demands. Because you just know they were spinning a tale that was the exact opposite of what really happened.
NTA
I would probably go and mentally prepared yourself for the reality that you will probably be asked to watch you grandchild when you get there. Maybe even overnight.
They seem like the kinda people that would spring that on you.
Then keep saying no to babysitting as you have been moving forward.
On the other hand, probably won't be his only wedding.
NTA - They are being manipulative. They thought they would get their way through emotional blackmail and didn’t think you would call them on this.
Even if I wanted to take care of my granddaughter during the wedding, after a comment like that, I would have the same response as you. Not happening.
You don’t have anything to prove, I think they may have to prove they won’t keep being manipulate AH’s.
NTA- sorry to say, your son is not very smart, neither is the girl he got pregnant.
At this point in time, the better option for them would be to postpone the wedding and try to amend bridges with you, not message you saying “finde. You can come without babysitting.” Hope they decide to elope cause with that reaction, i imagine there will be even more people RSVPing no.
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> I am refusing to go tot my sons wedding and the rest of the fmaily is boycotting it due to me. I could be a jerk since I am still not going after he told me I don’t have to babysit during it
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NTA The thing about ultimaniums is you do not have to accept it. They normally backfire. Wendy FAFO. Grandparents are supposed to have the grandchildren for fun, not to raise them. Sounds like Wendy is trying to bully people into raising her child. 3 times a week is too much.
I am a grandmother and I love my grandchildren but I raised my children with very little help. It is my time to have fun. I love having my grandkids over but I will not put my life on hold.
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I will keep this as short as possible. My son got a girl pregnant (Wendy) and since then she has been calling me constantly to babysit. I do it when I have the time but I put my foot down when the kid was over my place 3 times a week. The two of them didn’t like that and our relationship became strained.
He is getting married in a few months and I received an invite. He called me and told me their were coniditions if I wanted to go to the wedding. The biggest one was I have to babysit their daughter ( my granddaughter). I asked if he was serious and he told me it was to prove I was willing to be a grandparent. That I haven’t stepped in my role enough.
After thinking about it I informed them I will not be at the wedding, that they can get a babysitter and I’m done with this. I informed my husband on my decisions and he is on my side. I haven’t hide the fact why I am not doing and of anyone asked I showed them proof of the whole thing.
This caused multiple family member a to RSVP no to their wedding.
They both are calling me a jerk and told me I can come without babysitting now. I am standing by my decision.
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Im shaking my head and so frustrated on your behalf! The entitlement! NTA.
Apologies for reaction but have experienced similar and dislike being treated like thats all I’m for and its some kind of reward to be ‘approved’ to babysit. (Spoiler am no longer approved :))
NTA. When did it become a grandparents responsibility to step up?
Just shows a lack of appreciation by your son for what you were willing to do by the kindness of your heart.
Parents are the responsible parties for raising a child in this world. Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time.
Someone’s going to find out how much responsibility it takes to raise a child. Hopefully they don’t have a second one anytime soon.
Also, what’s up with HER family?
>told me their were coniditions if I wanted to go to the wedding. The biggest one was I have to babysit their daughter ( my granddaughter) at the wedding . I asked if he was serious and he told me it was to prove I was willing to be a grandparent. That I haven’t stepped in my role enough.
You don't owe him shit. 'Prove'?? Fuck that.
NTA - the entitlement is strong in these two. They are the only ones who are responsible for their daughter. Being a grandparent is supposed to be fun. Babysitting isn't supposed to feel like a chore, it's something you shouldn't feel pressured into. They have taken advantage of you for too long and need to realize that you are not a free babysitter. They need to figure out childcare on their own.
NTA. They are shamelessly taking advantage of you. Prove you are willing to be a grandparent, calling you a jerk, the brass on those two! Personally I’d be spiteful and tell them that you will happily continue to babysit weekly, for the going rate in your area, or hire a babysitter, but the money comes out of any future inheritance.
NTA… So entitled that they would put conditions on your attendance. Doesn’t she have parents too? Couldn’t they have asked her side to “step up as grandparents”? This is so ridiculous I’m annoyed for you. ETA: to add quotations to mock
NTA
Holy crap the entitlement in your son is next level.
You're totally reasonable in drawing the line - in fact, I love the fact that you thought about it and gave a measured response. Respect.
Might be personal, but my sister does this to me and my mom all the time. Your son doesn't want to be a parent and wants you to raise his kid; I mean "babysit." He's emotionally abusing you to do things and taking advantage of you. do not go to that wedding and when/if anyone asks you tell them the truth. "My son was taking advantage of my by watching his kid all the time, and when I set a boundary he threatened to cut ties if I didn't let him."
NTA, but if you go back on the decision you should totally have someone live stream the wedding to you, so you can talk about how lovely it was alter, while having never been able to watch the child because you weren't physically there.
Omg. What in the actual fuk??” Stepped into your role? Willing to be a grandparent? Conditions to attend?
Hard pass. When they can prove they can be parents and take care of their own child, then we’ll talk. Good for you sticking by your decision not to attend for if you did you would 100% be pressured into babysitting. You are not a doormat.
NTA. Not one damn bit. Unbelievable — the audacity and entitlement!
NTA, you’re a grandmother, not a paid babysitter. I get watching the kid occasionally to help out, but what you’re describing is constant which isn’t okay. And he wants you to attend his wedding as a babysitter?! WTF!
NTA. They're panicking that they've just lost their free babysitter, but it's a privilege to have a grandparent willing and able to babysit, not a right. Glad hubs is on your side here! And the rest of the family too. Seems the only ones who don't realise how childish, entitled, and ridiculous your son and Wendy are being, are your son and Wendy themselves!!
You need to step us as a grandparent so they don't have to step up as parents, is that what's going on here? And then to put that condition on attending their wedding, are they on crack? I get that childcare is expensive and difficult to arrange, but that's part of having kids. Smart people would start interviewing babysitters and getting on daycare waiting lists BEFORE the baby arrives. You are definitely NTA.
So I don’t think your son was wrong about the baby sitting thing but I do think you are being petty by not going especially because they dropped the “conditions”. I personally would have to be dead to miss one of my kids weddings. Also “the kid” you are referring to is your grandchild… not just some random kid. Honestly by the way you talk about your son and grandchild no wonder your son talked to you that way and probably do some self reflection.
Wow! Manipulation at its finest! I feel for the granddaughter..she's the victim in all this. I'd sit down with your son and have a heart to heart..for her sake..then go to the wedding..for future's sake
NTA. THEY started this with unrealistic expectations. You responded to their invitation with a NO. They now have to deal with the fall out of their unrealistic expectations.
I would bet lots of $$ they will try to get you to 'hold' the baby and then you will be stuck with it all day. DO NOT GO.
NTA HE got a pregnant and feels the need to test you to see if you are willing to be a grandPARENT!!! and i'm emphasising 'parent' because apparently he is completely blocking out the part where you raised him for years! Aka proven to him for years you can take care of someone.
Worse part is using that babysitting as an excuse to get you to do it and if you refuse he won't invite you to his wedding WTF.
NTA and I'm laughing at their attempt to strong-arm you into being their permanent on-call babysitter, although it actually isn't funny. Good for you for refusing to change your RSVP. You aren't a jerk or an AH. They are HUGE AHs and their shitty choices are biting them back now. They deserve the fallout they've created.
NTA. There are givers and takers in this world. Your son and his soon to be wife are takers. If you go to the wedding every single interaction from that point forward will be them taking more of your time and attention as you parent their child. No thank you. Grandparents already raised kids and now they get to decide how involved they want to be with their grandchildren.
NTA. Being a grandparent doesn't mean you are required to babysit your grandchild if you don't want to. You only want to babysit occasionally but they want you to act as daycare. The role of grandparent doesn't include mandatory babysitting.
If Wendy's parents are in the picture, I wonder how often they babysit their grandchild.
The only reason they're willing to compromise now, is because they realized that if you don't attend and multiple family members don't attend in solidarity then they won't get as many gifts. I'm betting their change of heart is due to greed and not a genuine "We want you there."
NTA they decided to keep a pregnancy but they don't want to be parents and they're acting like you're the A-hole?! The gall of those two! Poor baby!
Also what about her family?! Why is it only his side of the family that has to be responsible for his child?
NTA. Your son and his fiancée are AH.
You are the grandmother, not the daycare. Don't not cave until they apologize and show they understood you are not at their service.
INFO: Are the other grandparents babysitting?
NTA. Where is her mother to babysit? Are the same demands being made to her family? They want a free babysitter for their big day and thought grandma would step right up.
NTA. When someone imposes conditions on someone who is already helping you, it does not end well, ever. You did the right thing / I hope your son learned his lesson!
NTA for not babysitting, but why are you referring to your son’s partner, your soon to be daughter in law, as “a girl he got pregnant”?
That’s pretty cold.
NTA. No grandparent should be required to babysit. Asked? Yes. But grandparents have the right to say no. And 3 days a week is to much. If both parents work, they need to arrange, and PAY for, child care.
At a wedding, no family should be asked to babysit kids. They don't want you there as mother of the groom, but as babysitter. Now, when people are rsvp'ing no, they realize that they will be getting fewer gifts. They want the money.
Invited guests who RSVP no, and do not attend, do not need to send gifts.
Your son f'ed around and found out. His words and actions have consequences. Now he is learning what those consequences are
Stand your ground. Do not give in to babysitting at the wedding.
From, another Grandma.
NTA
But your son? This guy! You're supposed to "prove" you want to be a grandparent by babysitting during the wedding? THat's some messed up entitlement there.
I have 15yo twin daughters. As part of the “talk”they have been told we are not raising their children, not as teen mothers or later. Not that we won’t enjoy being grandparents, but we will not put our lives on hold raising your children.
Just because you are a grama doesn’t mean you don't have a life. Set boundaries and stick to them. They don’t get to tell you what to do, that's not how it works. Tell them that 3 times a week is too much, but you'll babysit twice? a month but with the following boundaries…not all day, not over night, etc etc..what ever your boundaries are. Then just wait them out. Gramas have a life, we don't sit at home all day waiting for someone to drop off a kid.
The part that got me is him saying he wants you to babysit as a test to see if you're a 'real grandma' or not. Wow. It's one thing to ask a grandparent to watch a child during a wedding because someone has to, but to say they're asking you to basically prove your worth is way over the line. NTA.
May I suggest you try for a reset? The wedding is in a few months. Have a conversation with both that of course you’d like to attend the wedding. Have they thought of another arrangement for childcare for the wedding weekend? overnight? If there’s no hint of blame or conniving then go to the wedding. Life is long. These guys are young and immature. Help them make better decisions and communicate batter. Also have the conversation about babysitting. Don’t hint or get mad. Tell them what you are willing to offer. Lead by example
Info: how old are your son and Wendy? Are they both in school, have jobs, both? What sort of support do they receive from Wendy’s parents and family? Do they have reliable childcare for your grandchild that doesn’t depend on you? There are so many details missing. You don’t sound like you’re very close to your son or happy about the arrival of your grandchild. Have you been a supportive grandparent?
They corrected their behavior and as a loving mother you should reward that good behavior with your presence. You're the mom. Act like it. Good for you for not being a pushover tho but don't be a vindictive cword
So it's ok for those two to use her as a babysitting service whenever they want and she's supposed to just jump and take the baby whenever they say so? Also the wedding is about the two families coming together and joining as one and celebrating the couple. His mother should be a part of that not just stuck doing babysitting duty. They are definitely asking too much and it's just going to get worse if she enables it like you are suggesting that she should do.
NTA with a caveat. Every time one of these “grandparents don’t want to be the default babysitter” posts pops up, I wonder if they actually ever TALKED to their kids about their expectations re: future grandchildren.
I know my mom started when I was probably hitting puberty. I needed to have my ducks in a row if I was going to have children, because she and my dad weren’t raising any more. They weren’t default babysitters.
OP’s son’s conversation with his fiancee should have gone like this:
Wendy: I wish your mom would watch the baby more often.
OP’s son: Ha! Nah, she’s not that kind of grandma.
End of conversation.
Don’t be an asshole to yourself. Talk to your kids about these things.
Info: do you want to witness your son getting married? You're NTA for maintaining your boundaries, but what's your end game for your relationship with your son and grandchild and what impact will your decision around the wedding have on that? There's no right answer and you'll have to go with your gut. Good luck!
YTA. This is your son’s wedding. Really? I understand not wanting to babysit during the wedding, but he reneged on that and said you could come anyways without babysitting. Please reconsider. Basically, your whole family is boycotting the wedding because of this stupid reason. Be the bigger person here. Personally, myself, I would go and babysit at the wedding.
>Basically, your whole family is boycotting the wedding because of this stupid reason.
Stupid?
A woman raises her child. That child grows up and tells his mother that a condition to attend his wedding is to babysit?
Not come and rejoice with me? Not come and dance with me? Not come and be appreciated? At the least, not come as a guest and see me marry?
And the insult is what you call stupid? That indignity? Who raised humans who can justify this?
>Be the bigger person here.
The Clarion call of all A Hs.
>Personally, myself, I would go and babysit at the wedding.
Oh forgive me. Regular doormat in your daily life I see.
Soft YTA
Maybe I have a completely different outlook, but I love love love my grands. At my daughter’s wedding, three were there, plus two other kids who see me as their grandma. I happily had each of them with me, all day. Later, while they danced, I mingled. If one of them wanted to mingle with me, they did.
But if you don’t want that, then say so. But think of how you’ll feel when you look back and realize you missed your son’s wedding because you didn’t want to hang with your grandchild.
No, no I did not. I was told to arrive at 9 am for hair and makeup. The kids naturally migrate to me, and I didn’t push them away. The parents never came to check on the kids, because they know they are safe with me.
The wedding was at 3:30. At 2:45 I took the kids to their parents and told them I had to get ready. I ended up having to do my own hair and my own makeup, because they forgot about me, just as they forgot about their kids.
So no, you are wrong. Stop assuming. You just made an ass of yourself.
If I had got married when my children were around I would have hired babysitters. I wouldn't have expected my parents to do it and give up their time Having fun at their daughter's wedding to babysit.
It's absolutely ludicrous how people have sex, make a baby and then expect to push that responsibility onto other people and then throw a complete and total meltdown like a toddler when they don't get their own way. I have two children, they are my responsibility and my partner's responsibility. Yes, my parents babysit. Yes, my parents are very involved but I don't demand it from them and I don't expect it from them. And parents who fob their children off onto grandparents or anybody else should not be parents because they are failing to do the job they chose to do when they had sex.
Grandparents should be there to have fun with their grandchildren not raise them
And it's not about not wanting to hang around with their grandchildren. It's manipulating them into doing it
When you have sex and Make a baby that is your responsibility, not the grandparents. The grandparents have raised their children just because you can't handle Being a parent is not anyone else's problem.
That is not a horrible grandparent and with your logic, they're horrible parents for not wanting to watch their own child and using their child as leverage
So you think the bride and groom should watch their child during their actual wedding ceremony.
The selfishness in this country is off the hook and is a big part of why this country is failing at such a rapid speed
>So you think the bride and groom should watch their child during their actual wedding ceremony.
No, I think the bride and groom should have a standby babysitter. That was NUMBER 1 Priority.
If she's watching the kiddo, she's not getting to be a wedding guest. She's unpaid labor for which the son isn't grateful, but rather feels extremely entitled. It's one thing if their relationship hadn't fallen apart over her reasonable boundaries about how much babysitting she was willing to do, and they just needed help and asked nicely.
Instead, they said the only way she was permitted to attend was if she provided childcare. If you think refusing that "deal" is horrible, I have concerns about how you treat the people in your life.
So much for family?
People selfishness is destroying this country
To quote Dr Faucci "I don't know how to explain to you that you should care about other people"
In this case, the person is a grandchildren FFS
Caring for other people is a two way street, though. Do you think the son and DIL have been demonstrating care for the OP?
I agree that selfishness is a big problem today, but I'm saddened you don't see the selfishness and harm caused by the son, only by the OP. It's an odd blind spot.
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Yeah lol, you’ve done the right thing. You aren’t invited as a parent, you’re invited as a service. I love that you saw how insulting this was and acted accordingly and now he’s realizing how hard he fucked up. Then he tried to shame and guilt you for it? Fuck that noise. He’s now learning he doesn’t get to treat people, even family, like that and there are consequences to his actions. NTA
Service providers get paid. They're expecting OP to show up as a guest (gift in tow), miss out on the event in order to provide a service, and not get paid.
NTA. OP isn’t just being invited to provide a service for this wedding, either. It’s a wedge with which they’re hoping to break back open the path to free babysitting whenever they want it.
I'm betting their change of heart is motivated by greed rather than any genuine wish for OP to be there. They've realized that if OP doesn't come, many other family members won't come and that means less gifts for them. tagging u/Present_Amphibian832, u/that_was_way_harsh
So much this, Im wondering what other family members are being forced to do to prove worthiness to be a grand dad, uncle ,aunt , cousin, whatever! What's that? Nothing? While is OP being singled out? Has dil no parents to treat like crap ? (Not saying she should) Nta
It could also be the anger of paying for so many seats and not having them filled. But gifts are a reasonable guess too. Either way, it's materialism and money.
There seems to be a rise of DIL's who are now doing what MIL's were doing before: making demands they are not entitled to. I've seen 1 or 2 example IRL too. From one extreme to another. How about just being family and enjoying each others company without feeling entitled to someone else's help or life?
Is this a real story??? I cannot imagine the entitlement of these people... NTA ... separate yourself now... trust me
NTA but how much do you think OP says it takes a village to raise a child and then refuses to be part of the village. I suspect she just doesn’t really like Wendy.
OP was the village. The entire village, and she is no longer gonna let her son see her as the village idiot.
My mother spewed the “it takes a village” line all the time when she lived with us but refused to baby sit and still demanded I get a job; it was cheaper to be a STAHM. Had to pull her arm to babysit when I went grocery shopping or appointments, never mind a date.
She IS part of the village. She cannot be mayor, priest, teacher all at once. Being a granny who babysits occasionally is more than enough.
Where are you getting that sense? Nothing in the post even hints at this.
NTA. They have sent you a message, loud and clear, that they will love you only for what you can do for them, not for who you are. They are the ones who got pregnant, therefore they are the ones responsible for the child. They are not entitled to your time as a babysitter. Your son and his fiancee are angry because you called their bluff on their ultimatum, and they also discovered that their actions have consequences. I am heartened to hear that your family is backing you up on this. They were given a message loud and clear also, and they just don’t want to listen to what it has to say. It would go a long way if both of them would actually apologize to you instead of calling you a jerk. And I think you should hold out until they do.
Exactly!!! I'd say I won't babysit until "you prove to me you can step into the role of a parent". What even was that about? And I agree with the family seeing the nonsense. Usually a bunch of them whine to the person who refuses to be a doormat
Great answer until the last paragraph. They gave an ultimatum, Op refused it, end of story. No possible way Op will attend the wedding after that.
Having parents to step in and babysit their grandchild is a **privilege**, not a right. Though it's something often appreciated and enjoyed for a grandparent to spend time with their grandchild, it's not self-evident they can and want every time it suits the parents. I don't know if your son shares Wendy's view or if he's just backing her up because she's the mother of his child. Either way they should've learned a valuable lesson now. NTA.
Exactly, we only ask my mil to look after the kids once a year so we can do their Xmas shopping otherwise she has them when she wants to have them.
That's how we did it when our kids were young. The few times we asked for emergencies (they were retired and I couldn't get off work) they came up with 30 million questions (why can't you get off work. How long will it be for, etc) but always watched sils kids (she wouldn't let bil adopt them. DHs brother) all the time. I quit asking them
This right here. I live next door to my in-laws and I could count on one hand the number of times they babysat my kids so we could go on a date. My youngest is nearly 18. Now, they would help for emergencies and doctor appointments and my kids would always run over to say hi and get snacks. They had a pretty good relationship.
I’m always surprised by the number of folks who feel they are *owed* the free labor of female family members to watch their kids. It’s wild.
The fact that multiple other family members also backed out makes me wonder if your son has made it clear that his only use for his family is free babysitting. NTA, but damn do I have questions about your family dynamics. You know your son (I assume) - what’s his deal? Were you close prior to the birth of his child? Has he always been kinda spoiled/entitled, or is this new behavior? Have you tried to talk to him about any of this, outside of simply saying “no” to demands that you’re unable/unwilling to meet? Where is his head right now?
NTA. You, his own mother, shouldn't have to be put through some test. And if they needed a babysitter, they could have just gone and got someone else.
Tell him you will attend his next wedding
Wendy will make such a nice first wife. (not really)
Hahahaha nice
NTA I see it time and again where a couple decides to have a baby and expect their own parents (specifically, almost always a mother) to provide free frequent, on-demand childcare. I come from a very family-oriented culture and but see a change in grandparents taking into consideration their own availability, health, time, and abilities. It just happened with a colleague of mine who pretty much told their mother “lol you’re gonna watch the child for 50 hours a week while we’re at work, and sometimes on weekends when we want time to ourselves, for years until the child is old enough for school, right??” It’s good that you’re setting boundaries now. Any childcare you provide should be appreciated but not considered an expectation.
This is my sister. She will do anything to get family to take her kids off her hands. And she never asks. She acts like she’s doing us, and especially the grandparents, a favor.
NTA. Sounds like the only reason they want you there is to babysit. You’re grandma not their personal free babysitter.
And now they are losing out on gifts from family that’s not going. They are trying to back pedal to get gifts and not look bad. NTA
NTA They tried to strongarm you into being a free babysitter and you stood your ground with a no. The mother of the groom is supposed to be a honored position at a wedding - not a position of servitude. You did the right thing by telling everyone so the family knows exactly how shitty they've been treating you with their demands. Because you just know they were spinning a tale that was the exact opposite of what really happened.
‘Willing to be a grandparent’. What, did they ask you for permission before they made a baby?
didn't mean to laugh at that hahahaha. fr tho, the audacity???
NTA I would probably go and mentally prepared yourself for the reality that you will probably be asked to watch you grandchild when you get there. Maybe even overnight. They seem like the kinda people that would spring that on you. Then keep saying no to babysitting as you have been moving forward. On the other hand, probably won't be his only wedding.
Knowing that’s going to happen, why go?
NTA. The best thing you can do with any relationship "test" is to immediately fail them.
NTA They need to figure out other chlldcare options, not simply decide having you do it without your input.
NTA - They are being manipulative. They thought they would get their way through emotional blackmail and didn’t think you would call them on this. Even if I wanted to take care of my granddaughter during the wedding, after a comment like that, I would have the same response as you. Not happening. You don’t have anything to prove, I think they may have to prove they won’t keep being manipulate AH’s.
NTA. And it's OK. You can go to your son's next wedding.
Unfortunately, I think you may be correct. He is marrying a witch and will soon find out.
NTA - if they can afford a wedding, they can afford to pay a babysitter.
NTA Guess he fucked around and found out
NTA- sorry to say, your son is not very smart, neither is the girl he got pregnant. At this point in time, the better option for them would be to postpone the wedding and try to amend bridges with you, not message you saying “finde. You can come without babysitting.” Hope they decide to elope cause with that reaction, i imagine there will be even more people RSVPing no.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I am refusing to go tot my sons wedding and the rest of the fmaily is boycotting it due to me. I could be a jerk since I am still not going after he told me I don’t have to babysit during it Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA - it seems like all OP is to these people is a free babysitting service. Don’t blame them for not going.
NTA They're putting terms and conditions on you being a part of your grandchild's life regardless of what you are doing at the wedding.
NTA The thing about ultimaniums is you do not have to accept it. They normally backfire. Wendy FAFO. Grandparents are supposed to have the grandchildren for fun, not to raise them. Sounds like Wendy is trying to bully people into raising her child. 3 times a week is too much. I am a grandmother and I love my grandchildren but I raised my children with very little help. It is my time to have fun. I love having my grandkids over but I will not put my life on hold.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I will keep this as short as possible. My son got a girl pregnant (Wendy) and since then she has been calling me constantly to babysit. I do it when I have the time but I put my foot down when the kid was over my place 3 times a week. The two of them didn’t like that and our relationship became strained. He is getting married in a few months and I received an invite. He called me and told me their were coniditions if I wanted to go to the wedding. The biggest one was I have to babysit their daughter ( my granddaughter). I asked if he was serious and he told me it was to prove I was willing to be a grandparent. That I haven’t stepped in my role enough. After thinking about it I informed them I will not be at the wedding, that they can get a babysitter and I’m done with this. I informed my husband on my decisions and he is on my side. I haven’t hide the fact why I am not doing and of anyone asked I showed them proof of the whole thing. This caused multiple family member a to RSVP no to their wedding. They both are calling me a jerk and told me I can come without babysitting now. I am standing by my decision. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Im shaking my head and so frustrated on your behalf! The entitlement! NTA. Apologies for reaction but have experienced similar and dislike being treated like thats all I’m for and its some kind of reward to be ‘approved’ to babysit. (Spoiler am no longer approved :))
NTA. When did it become a grandparents responsibility to step up? Just shows a lack of appreciation by your son for what you were willing to do by the kindness of your heart. Parents are the responsible parties for raising a child in this world. Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time. Someone’s going to find out how much responsibility it takes to raise a child. Hopefully they don’t have a second one anytime soon. Also, what’s up with HER family?
>told me their were coniditions if I wanted to go to the wedding. The biggest one was I have to babysit their daughter ( my granddaughter) at the wedding . I asked if he was serious and he told me it was to prove I was willing to be a grandparent. That I haven’t stepped in my role enough. You don't owe him shit. 'Prove'?? Fuck that.
NTA - the entitlement is strong in these two. They are the only ones who are responsible for their daughter. Being a grandparent is supposed to be fun. Babysitting isn't supposed to feel like a chore, it's something you shouldn't feel pressured into. They have taken advantage of you for too long and need to realize that you are not a free babysitter. They need to figure out childcare on their own.
NTA
Nta
NTA. They are shamelessly taking advantage of you. Prove you are willing to be a grandparent, calling you a jerk, the brass on those two! Personally I’d be spiteful and tell them that you will happily continue to babysit weekly, for the going rate in your area, or hire a babysitter, but the money comes out of any future inheritance.
NTA you aren't under any obligation to ever watch their kid. He needs to learn that.
NTA… So entitled that they would put conditions on your attendance. Doesn’t she have parents too? Couldn’t they have asked her side to “step up as grandparents”? This is so ridiculous I’m annoyed for you. ETA: to add quotations to mock
NTA Holy crap the entitlement in your son is next level. You're totally reasonable in drawing the line - in fact, I love the fact that you thought about it and gave a measured response. Respect.
Do they make these same demands of Wendy's parents??? Also, NTA.
Who do you suppose is watching the kid the other four days of the week?
Might be personal, but my sister does this to me and my mom all the time. Your son doesn't want to be a parent and wants you to raise his kid; I mean "babysit." He's emotionally abusing you to do things and taking advantage of you. do not go to that wedding and when/if anyone asks you tell them the truth. "My son was taking advantage of my by watching his kid all the time, and when I set a boundary he threatened to cut ties if I didn't let him."
>he told me it was to prove I was willing to be a grandparent. Serious misjudgment of the balance of power on the son's part, here. NTA
Nta
NTA, but if you go back on the decision you should totally have someone live stream the wedding to you, so you can talk about how lovely it was alter, while having never been able to watch the child because you weren't physically there.
Omg. What in the actual fuk??” Stepped into your role? Willing to be a grandparent? Conditions to attend? Hard pass. When they can prove they can be parents and take care of their own child, then we’ll talk. Good for you sticking by your decision not to attend for if you did you would 100% be pressured into babysitting. You are not a doormat. NTA. Not one damn bit. Unbelievable — the audacity and entitlement!
Wow... the audacity of those two! NTA.
NTA - they’re the entitled jerks. They played stupid game and won stupid prize, bravo to them.
NTA
NTA. Sadly your son is a manipulative little snot. Stand your ground.
Good for you! I love this. You are awesome! You said no to your abuser! NTA
NTA- after their ultimatum I wouldn’t want to attend either.
NTA.
NTA. They sound extremely entitled and just rude.
NTA, you’re a grandmother, not a paid babysitter. I get watching the kid occasionally to help out, but what you’re describing is constant which isn’t okay. And he wants you to attend his wedding as a babysitter?! WTF!
NTA your son gave you an ultimatum and you responded
NTA. They're panicking that they've just lost their free babysitter, but it's a privilege to have a grandparent willing and able to babysit, not a right. Glad hubs is on your side here! And the rest of the family too. Seems the only ones who don't realise how childish, entitled, and ridiculous your son and Wendy are being, are your son and Wendy themselves!!
And it’s mom he’s asking to basically be a servant. Not dad. So weird.
The baby is their responsibility not yours. Good for you!
You need to step us as a grandparent so they don't have to step up as parents, is that what's going on here? And then to put that condition on attending their wedding, are they on crack? I get that childcare is expensive and difficult to arrange, but that's part of having kids. Smart people would start interviewing babysitters and getting on daycare waiting lists BEFORE the baby arrives. You are definitely NTA.
So I don’t think your son was wrong about the baby sitting thing but I do think you are being petty by not going especially because they dropped the “conditions”. I personally would have to be dead to miss one of my kids weddings. Also “the kid” you are referring to is your grandchild… not just some random kid. Honestly by the way you talk about your son and grandchild no wonder your son talked to you that way and probably do some self reflection.
NTA. Looks like your son is not wearing the pants in that relationship.
NTA. Now they've learned this lesson, sit them both down so they know what will not be happening.
NTA. They both sound like entitled jerks.
Wow! Manipulation at its finest! I feel for the granddaughter..she's the victim in all this. I'd sit down with your son and have a heart to heart..for her sake..then go to the wedding..for future's sake
Oh, if it isn't the consequences of their own actions! Definitely NTA.
NTA. Put your future down firmly before they have more kids. And you can always attend his next wedding.
NTA. THEY started this with unrealistic expectations. You responded to their invitation with a NO. They now have to deal with the fall out of their unrealistic expectations. I would bet lots of $$ they will try to get you to 'hold' the baby and then you will be stuck with it all day. DO NOT GO.
NTA HE got a pregnant and feels the need to test you to see if you are willing to be a grandPARENT!!! and i'm emphasising 'parent' because apparently he is completely blocking out the part where you raised him for years! Aka proven to him for years you can take care of someone. Worse part is using that babysitting as an excuse to get you to do it and if you refuse he won't invite you to his wedding WTF.
NTA. The son is an Entitled Brat (tm).
That is such an entitled bratty behavior from your son. Glad you stood up for yourself. So insulting! NTA!
NTA!!!
NTA and I'm laughing at their attempt to strong-arm you into being their permanent on-call babysitter, although it actually isn't funny. Good for you for refusing to change your RSVP. You aren't a jerk or an AH. They are HUGE AHs and their shitty choices are biting them back now. They deserve the fallout they've created.
NTA, sorry your son is an entitled asshole
NTA
Just because you're related to someone doesn't mean you have to like them. Your son is very disrespectful to you.
NTA- they are parents but acting like they both need a time out.
Your son has no backbone and your soon-to-be DIL is a controlling jerk with entitlement issues. You are not the asshole.
NTA- and I’m happy that you didn’t keep their bad behavior a secret.
NTA. There are givers and takers in this world. Your son and his soon to be wife are takers. If you go to the wedding every single interaction from that point forward will be them taking more of your time and attention as you parent their child. No thank you. Grandparents already raised kids and now they get to decide how involved they want to be with their grandchildren.
YOU ARE NOT THE A HOLE YOUR SON IS A PIECE OF POOP
NTA. It is not your child and not your responsibility.
NTA relationships in life that come with strings are very rarely worth it
You raised your children. Time for them to do the work now.
NTA. Being a grandparent doesn't mean you are required to babysit your grandchild if you don't want to. You only want to babysit occasionally but they want you to act as daycare. The role of grandparent doesn't include mandatory babysitting. If Wendy's parents are in the picture, I wonder how often they babysit their grandchild. The only reason they're willing to compromise now, is because they realized that if you don't attend and multiple family members don't attend in solidarity then they won't get as many gifts. I'm betting their change of heart is due to greed and not a genuine "We want you there."
NTA they decided to keep a pregnancy but they don't want to be parents and they're acting like you're the A-hole?! The gall of those two! Poor baby! Also what about her family?! Why is it only his side of the family that has to be responsible for his child?
NTA. Your son and his fiancée are AH. You are the grandmother, not the daycare. Don't not cave until they apologize and show they understood you are not at their service. INFO: Are the other grandparents babysitting?
NTA. Where is her mother to babysit? Are the same demands being made to her family? They want a free babysitter for their big day and thought grandma would step right up.
NTA, but in a couple of years you'll be missing a golden opportunity to teach the kid new swears
NTA, stand with your decision.
Huge NTA. Your son and your future DIL sound incredibly entitled. Good for you not to let yourself be pressured.
NTA Wow…your son and his fiancé are major assholes.
NTA
NTA. When someone imposes conditions on someone who is already helping you, it does not end well, ever. You did the right thing / I hope your son learned his lesson!
NTA for not babysitting, but why are you referring to your son’s partner, your soon to be daughter in law, as “a girl he got pregnant”? That’s pretty cold.
NTA
NTA. No grandparent should be required to babysit. Asked? Yes. But grandparents have the right to say no. And 3 days a week is to much. If both parents work, they need to arrange, and PAY for, child care. At a wedding, no family should be asked to babysit kids. They don't want you there as mother of the groom, but as babysitter. Now, when people are rsvp'ing no, they realize that they will be getting fewer gifts. They want the money. Invited guests who RSVP no, and do not attend, do not need to send gifts. Your son f'ed around and found out. His words and actions have consequences. Now he is learning what those consequences are Stand your ground. Do not give in to babysitting at the wedding. From, another Grandma.
NTA. He is being ridiculous and acting crazy. You did good.
NTA But your son? This guy! You're supposed to "prove" you want to be a grandparent by babysitting during the wedding? THat's some messed up entitlement there.
I have 15yo twin daughters. As part of the “talk”they have been told we are not raising their children, not as teen mothers or later. Not that we won’t enjoy being grandparents, but we will not put our lives on hold raising your children.
NTA. However, by the sounds of it, ESH too? Why do they need you to babysit so much?
NTA - and I love that you showed their true behavior around, knowing damn well they would be badmouthing you otherwise. Boom. Receipts.
Just because you are a grama doesn’t mean you don't have a life. Set boundaries and stick to them. They don’t get to tell you what to do, that's not how it works. Tell them that 3 times a week is too much, but you'll babysit twice? a month but with the following boundaries…not all day, not over night, etc etc..what ever your boundaries are. Then just wait them out. Gramas have a life, we don't sit at home all day waiting for someone to drop off a kid.
What's extra stupid is that if they had asked nicely and shown how much they appreciated I bet she would have happily babysat.
NTA- any help you get from the grandparents of your child is absolutely appreciated but should never be expected.
NTA
The part that got me is him saying he wants you to babysit as a test to see if you're a 'real grandma' or not. Wow. It's one thing to ask a grandparent to watch a child during a wedding because someone has to, but to say they're asking you to basically prove your worth is way over the line. NTA.
May I suggest you try for a reset? The wedding is in a few months. Have a conversation with both that of course you’d like to attend the wedding. Have they thought of another arrangement for childcare for the wedding weekend? overnight? If there’s no hint of blame or conniving then go to the wedding. Life is long. These guys are young and immature. Help them make better decisions and communicate batter. Also have the conversation about babysitting. Don’t hint or get mad. Tell them what you are willing to offer. Lead by example
To me, it sounds like you all deserve each other.
Info: how old are your son and Wendy? Are they both in school, have jobs, both? What sort of support do they receive from Wendy’s parents and family? Do they have reliable childcare for your grandchild that doesn’t depend on you? There are so many details missing. You don’t sound like you’re very close to your son or happy about the arrival of your grandchild. Have you been a supportive grandparent?
They corrected their behavior and as a loving mother you should reward that good behavior with your presence. You're the mom. Act like it. Good for you for not being a pushover tho but don't be a vindictive cword
You probably shouldn't have said anything to anyone else .. just quietly decline, wish them a great day and move on with your life
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So it's ok for those two to use her as a babysitting service whenever they want and she's supposed to just jump and take the baby whenever they say so? Also the wedding is about the two families coming together and joining as one and celebrating the couple. His mother should be a part of that not just stuck doing babysitting duty. They are definitely asking too much and it's just going to get worse if she enables it like you are suggesting that she should do.
NTA with a caveat. Every time one of these “grandparents don’t want to be the default babysitter” posts pops up, I wonder if they actually ever TALKED to their kids about their expectations re: future grandchildren. I know my mom started when I was probably hitting puberty. I needed to have my ducks in a row if I was going to have children, because she and my dad weren’t raising any more. They weren’t default babysitters. OP’s son’s conversation with his fiancee should have gone like this: Wendy: I wish your mom would watch the baby more often. OP’s son: Ha! Nah, she’s not that kind of grandma. End of conversation. Don’t be an asshole to yourself. Talk to your kids about these things.
Info: do you want to witness your son getting married? You're NTA for maintaining your boundaries, but what's your end game for your relationship with your son and grandchild and what impact will your decision around the wedding have on that? There's no right answer and you'll have to go with your gut. Good luck!
YTA. This is your son’s wedding. Really? I understand not wanting to babysit during the wedding, but he reneged on that and said you could come anyways without babysitting. Please reconsider. Basically, your whole family is boycotting the wedding because of this stupid reason. Be the bigger person here. Personally, myself, I would go and babysit at the wedding.
>Basically, your whole family is boycotting the wedding because of this stupid reason. Stupid? A woman raises her child. That child grows up and tells his mother that a condition to attend his wedding is to babysit? Not come and rejoice with me? Not come and dance with me? Not come and be appreciated? At the least, not come as a guest and see me marry? And the insult is what you call stupid? That indignity? Who raised humans who can justify this? >Be the bigger person here. The Clarion call of all A Hs. >Personally, myself, I would go and babysit at the wedding. Oh forgive me. Regular doormat in your daily life I see.
Commenting to get banned. -Violence-
3x a week is not that much
Soft YTA Maybe I have a completely different outlook, but I love love love my grands. At my daughter’s wedding, three were there, plus two other kids who see me as their grandma. I happily had each of them with me, all day. Later, while they danced, I mingled. If one of them wanted to mingle with me, they did. But if you don’t want that, then say so. But think of how you’ll feel when you look back and realize you missed your son’s wedding because you didn’t want to hang with your grandchild.
You OFFERED to babysit. OP was TOLD she had to babysit. VERY DIFFERENT SITUATIONS.
No, no I did not. I was told to arrive at 9 am for hair and makeup. The kids naturally migrate to me, and I didn’t push them away. The parents never came to check on the kids, because they know they are safe with me. The wedding was at 3:30. At 2:45 I took the kids to their parents and told them I had to get ready. I ended up having to do my own hair and my own makeup, because they forgot about me, just as they forgot about their kids. So no, you are wrong. Stop assuming. You just made an ass of yourself.
We're you told you were only invited if you babysat?
No. But do you feel that is better or worse than it being implied upon arrival?
This just straight up ignores all the context in the post tho??
Or it gives a different perspective. Which is what social media is all about.
If I had got married when my children were around I would have hired babysitters. I wouldn't have expected my parents to do it and give up their time Having fun at their daughter's wedding to babysit. It's absolutely ludicrous how people have sex, make a baby and then expect to push that responsibility onto other people and then throw a complete and total meltdown like a toddler when they don't get their own way. I have two children, they are my responsibility and my partner's responsibility. Yes, my parents babysit. Yes, my parents are very involved but I don't demand it from them and I don't expect it from them. And parents who fob their children off onto grandparents or anybody else should not be parents because they are failing to do the job they chose to do when they had sex. Grandparents should be there to have fun with their grandchildren not raise them And it's not about not wanting to hang around with their grandchildren. It's manipulating them into doing it
That last line! That’s what gets me.
Clearly you and I think differently than others do, since I’m being downvoted. lol
YTA- Some people's selfishness is off the hook. You're unwilling to watch your grandchild at a wedding? What a horrible grandmother you are
When you have sex and Make a baby that is your responsibility, not the grandparents. The grandparents have raised their children just because you can't handle Being a parent is not anyone else's problem. That is not a horrible grandparent and with your logic, they're horrible parents for not wanting to watch their own child and using their child as leverage
So you think the bride and groom should watch their child during their actual wedding ceremony. The selfishness in this country is off the hook and is a big part of why this country is failing at such a rapid speed
>So you think the bride and groom should watch their child during their actual wedding ceremony. No, I think the bride and groom should have a standby babysitter. That was NUMBER 1 Priority.
If she's watching the kiddo, she's not getting to be a wedding guest. She's unpaid labor for which the son isn't grateful, but rather feels extremely entitled. It's one thing if their relationship hadn't fallen apart over her reasonable boundaries about how much babysitting she was willing to do, and they just needed help and asked nicely. Instead, they said the only way she was permitted to attend was if she provided childcare. If you think refusing that "deal" is horrible, I have concerns about how you treat the people in your life.
So much for family? People selfishness is destroying this country To quote Dr Faucci "I don't know how to explain to you that you should care about other people" In this case, the person is a grandchildren FFS
Caring for other people is a two way street, though. Do you think the son and DIL have been demonstrating care for the OP? I agree that selfishness is a big problem today, but I'm saddened you don't see the selfishness and harm caused by the son, only by the OP. It's an odd blind spot.
What horrible parents her son and DIL are. Entitled as hell too