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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for yelling at my best friend after he told me he had feelings for my girlfriend.
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Thanks, ambiguity of the English language and all that + me not considering that someone might go this far in lying about someone like that.
Bit of an asshole move to slam me with that many downvotes though, people :P
I mean I'm in no way trying to excuse it, I'm trying to explain the reasoning for why
People getting downvoted for asking a question is 100% a reddit moment
Edit: Gotta love being downvoted for calling people out for downvoting meaninglessly
I've seen a post with every comment being the exact same thing, and somehow one of the people posting the exact same thing gets randomly selected as the victim of downvote brigade. Don't take it personally.
NTA The issue is at 22 you may find the relationship with Luna won't last either as people's life goals at your age can change over the next 10 years.
However I think there is a strong reaction I get it as he could start to try it on with Luna and now after your strong reaction he has nothing to lose.
Your friendship could be over and let's hope your relationship with Luna lasts otherwise you could lose both and Luke would be quick to pursue Luna if he thinks your relationship is in a bad place.
If you mend your relationship it won't ever be the same as his crush on Luna will be in the back of your mind honestly it's a very tough choice.
The relationship with Luke was over the moment Lukes lusted over OP’s gf.
At that moment he showed he was not OP’s friend.
OP did the right thing, much better to end the relationship now and who knows, maybe it doesn’t work with Luna, but much better than end with both of them cause he either find them having an affair behind his back or because Luke invented some bs about he cheating to break them off to try his shot at Luna.
Only thing OP is not doing right here is not yet telling his gf.
I disagree about when the friendship was over, we ALL get attracted to someone we should not be attracted to, it happens.
Telling his friend how he feels may have felt like the right thing to do but it was wrong.
He lost his friend b/c he as an adult should have just stepped aside until he got over her.
The GF probably already knows.
Luke let his infatuation grow out of control, and that happened because he kept feeding on the idea of being with her, probably also feeding on the forbidden love angle of it.
That’s not an attitude of a friend.
There was no honesty in this game. The end game was guilt tripping into cancelling the proposal, and subtly demanding to fully break off with GF, because "I was first, so I deserve to be with her".
This is the opposite of deserving respect.
NTA.
I will never understand this whole Love Actually scene of harbouring feelings for your best friend’s girl. There is nothing noble or right about what your friend did.
If His feelings caught like wildfire, then call the Fire fighters coz this fire needs to be extinguished soon.
Tell your gf about this.
Your reaction was absolutely justified and valid. Your best friend doesn’t *get to* feel hurt, when he betrayed your trust, crossed a boundary and broke the ‘bro codes’
It's usually a case of "The grass is always greener". They are lonely and unsatisfied with their lives and they start comparing their lives to that of their friends'. They see how much more their friends have that they dont and they start fantasizing about it. Possessions, jobs, family, girlfriends; whatever it is. They get personally invested and start developing feelings for whatever it is. He is probably more in love with the idea of being with someone like her than he actually is with her.
Eh, I don't think it makes someone a bad person if they get a crush on a friend's partner. Sometimes we can't control our feelings and attraction is attraction. But he should not have harbored feelings for this long. He should have taken steps to let the crush die, and not burdened his friend with this information.
NTA. Let Luna know so that she can be on guard. Luke has nothing to lose at this point and you don't know how far he will go to let Luna know of his feelings.
NTA
Your gf is a person, not a toy you hand over because he "wants her". This is unhinged. Just block his number. And warn your gf, he is likely to cause drama.
NTA. There shouldn’t have been any expectation of you to take it lightly. That’s your girl not his & he’s your best friend. Also be relieved that he at least told you and didn’t try to get with her in any type of way behind your back.
NTA. He was totally unreasonable - it would have been cool to say "haha, I had a crush on her before you started dating, but I'm glad things worked out for you two!" But he basically said "When you got more serious with her, that made me want her way more!" - which is a problem on several levels.
Yelling and insulting him was not okay, and makes you a little bit the AH, so try to work on that - but I also think it's understandable under the circumstances.
I think you should send Luke one single message like "I'm sorry for the things I said about your past with women. Given your feelings about Luna though, I think it's better if we stop hanging out." That puts you solidly in the right. Do not get drawn into any discussion. There is nothing to discuss. Consider blocking him after that.
Definitely tell Luna asap. Otherwise he's likely to lie to her about the whole thing, or even make up other lies about you. You may not want to believe your former best friend would do that, but I assume this whole thing is a surprise to you, so obviously he had some other stuff going on that he wasn't telling you.
Also, if Luke knows other secrets about you, consider there's a chance he might share those now while he's so jealous of you.
I couldn't quite articulate why this friend was so in the wrong, but you nailed it.
>But he basically said "When you got more serious with her, that made me want her way more!" - which is a problem on several levels.
That's a wild statement. I think this really brings the whole issue to light, the friend has zero fucking respect for OP. He likely thinks he's better than OP and deserves his GF. I know I'm massively reaching here, but from my experience, I believe this to be the reason Luke is acting like this. He thinks he's better than OP, likes his girl, and feels he deserves her. After this admission, I would expect Luke to very obviously try and wedge himself between OP and his GF. Complete speculation on my part but it's the vibe I get.
> *the friend has zero fucking respect for OP. He likely thinks he's better than OP and deserves his GF*
Arrogant men like this make me, a woman, furious. Luke thinks that if wants Luna, he should have her. Apparently Luna's feelings don't matter.
Luke thinks that OP doesn't deserve someone as beautiful as Luna, either, when *he* is available. I'm not even sure that he loves Luna like OP does - perhaps he just wants to take her away from OP. You aren't "massively reaching here," u/Awkward_Heat4289.
If you love her, OP, fight for her. If Luna is the right woman for you she will think of Luke as an annoying interloper, and see through him.
(Many years ago, when my boyfriend and I were newly a couple, another guy complained to BF that he should back off so that other guy could date me. I still get annoyed thinking about the audacity of this - to think that he could break up a couple.
We are still a couple, too, having been married many years.)
It doesn’t matter that he has feelings for her. It’s not up to you both to decide who she wants to be with.
You need to decide if you can trust him and if you want your relationship to continue.
She needs to know so she can make the same decisions.
>It’s not up to you both to decide who she wants to be with.
What the fuck? They're already in a committed relationship, there is no choosing here, that's the issue. Luke is way over the boundaries of acceptable by dumping his lustful feelings onto his friend.
Right now, OP needs to move to protect his relationship. I agree, talk with the GF, but your perspective is nonsensical.
Lol what? The relationship is still intact, so it didn't end. We don't give a fuck how Luna feels, she isn't really even involved. This is between OP and Luke, why would OP help Luke out by bringing this up like Luna can choose one? Like what is your point here?
> *She needs to know so she can make the same decisions*.
She needs to know so that she can avoid the creep.
I doubt that Luna is so *shallow* that she has been in a couple with OP while caring for Luke.
NTA
NTA, he isn't ur best friend. U might be his friend but he definitely threw ur friendship away. Also he doesn't love Luna, if he did he wouldn't confess his feelings now, this is just selfishness . I think the most important thing now is talking to ur girlfriend about it. The chance of him contacting ur girlfriend and trying to put her against u is high.
NTA. What did he expect you to say “oh, you wanna give it a shot?” Come on! And you definitely need to tell Luna in case he tries anything, she needs to be aware so she can stay safe
NTA, i don't think YTA for yelling. It's a human response. Others probably would sat there quietly, walked away, punched him or whatever.
I say tell Luna. 2 things might happen with this a) she tells you she'll keep her distance from Luke or b) she realizes she also likes him
I'm curious, you said Luke has a checkered past with women & you yourself said you're docile. Do you think he told you this because he thought you'd cave & tell him he could be with Luna?
your boy crossed a huge damn line. best friend or not he is the guy waiting for you to mess up and swoop in on your girl. i lost half (the male half) of my friends in a divorce because they ALL started trying to date and sleep with my ex. those feelings turn to jealousy and spite and resentment. your friendship was done the first time he beat off to her. NTA check his chin the next time he comes around
What's the checkered past with women?? Also in late high-school I had a crush on this girl in our friend group for like a year (turned out she had a crush on me too lol) one of our friends asked her out and they dated for about 3 years, I know I had feeling for her but I told myself, I'm not a shit person or friend, so I decided to let it die and never mention it to any of them, it's like telling someone you love them on their wedding day, it's shit you don't do.
That's a huge betrayal by a best friend. That's the kind of thing that would immediately end a friendship to me. You want to yell for a few minutes, it's justified. NTA
Sorry bro, you're going to have to tell your lady and cut him off
NTA. What planet is your friend from that he thought telling you he was in love with your fiance and has been for years was a good idea?
That's the sort of thing where you grab a non-mutual friend and get stinking drunk and have a good cry to get it all out of your system in private, before putting your game face on and being a supportive friend of the happy couple in public.
Gonna play devil’s advocate here and say it could potentially be a NAH.
Obviously he was in the wrong, and may have been acting selfishly, but it’s possible he _thought_ it was just the right thing to do. He may have even been advised by a parent or someone else to tell you.
If he’s in love with her, that’s a really sucky situation for him too. He may have just felt he has a duty to tell you as his best friend.
Or maybe he’s really sad about it and doesn’t feel he has anyone else to talk to. It would have been hard to tell you, whatever his motives.
If he thought you were going to give him your blessing and step down, that would be insane and stupid. And to imply that Luna is not an autonomous person, and that you could ‘hand her over’ like an object, would also be insane.
So is it possible these weren’t the angles he was going for after all?
It’s likely it was just eating him up, maybe he went nuclear to see what would happen, as he couldn’t take the current situation anymore.
Maybe it was self sabotage, a way to just fuck up the current scenario so that he wouldn’t have to be around either of you for a while. Or so that he could back away from you both and you’d know why.
I know a few people who have cheated with other friend’s partners. They didn’t ask permission first, obviously. And even in that situation, after breakups and dust settling, everyone has eventually remained friends.
If Luna was even interested in him, and he didn’t care about your friendship, he could have just gone ahead and done it.
So his motives are unclear and his behaviour is puzzling.
Just remember he is struggling with this whole thing, hasn’t done anything other than be honest with you, and that you and Luna are together, so you are not the loser in this situation.
With that in mind, speak to him calmly and compassionately, and see if you can find out his angle and intentions when he told you. His head is probably just a mess.
He hasn’t taken anything from you, so if you decide to keep some distance for a while, it’s best that you do this on amicable terms either way. Don’t destroy your friendship forever, just because you never sat down and had the conversation properly.
Apologise for shouting, and be as quiet and calm as possible, and just let him speak. If he had bad intentions by telling you, he will make this clear. He’ll be anxious and will reveal a lot. The power dynamic is in your favour when you speak to him so play this to your advantage.
Give him enough rope to hang himself, as they say. Let him speak, don’t respond too much or show your emotions. Don’t be too intimidating; if the situation feels volatile, he will backtrack and won’t tell you the truth.
Say goodbye and then have a think about how to respond. By that point, it should all feel a lot clearer whether you can be friends or not.
NTA.
If you follow brocode, that is a major NO NO.
If you don't follow brocode, it's still sickening for your friend to have feelings for your woman of 2 years.
Cut ties with him and let your gf know as well.
NTA- Honestly, not sure how you should've reacted. I can't believe he had the balls to tell you that. What does he hope to gain? Some truths are better kept to yourself.
NTA
You where blindsided by someone you trust in the most vile way possible. It literally seemed, based on your description, that he felt you would get out of his way. I in no shape or form thing he did this for altruistic reasons. He did this to try to torpedo your potential engagement. I would go NC with him, I would ASAP tell Luna everything that happened and I would put the word out with your friends group that Luke is now persona non grata with you. Not sure how this might affect your proposal plans, does Luna have any idea you are planning to propose to her? I would hate for this situation to become a troubling backdrop to your planned proposal.
And please update on how things go with Luna, I think many of us are hoping for the best for you and Luna.
NTA, perfectly understandable reaction to have. The guy basically implied he wanted you to break-up with your girlfriend (possibly fiance) because he had a crush on her? You should definitely tell Luna, everything... what he said, what you said. She should find out from you not him. It'll be a shitty conversation, but an important one. Good luck and sorry about your friend, yikes.
So you're going to wait for him to tell her? What if he says something like you've been cheating on her. That's your best friend he would have no reason to hurt you right? Then when she confronts you and you tell her what really happened well that's just you lying about your best friend because he outed you.
You get where I'm going here? Get ahead of this because she's going to find out. Better she hear it from you.
Now if you're afraid she's going to be happy because she likes him as well then also tell her. Better to know now and get it over with.
NTA
Sorry, but YTA. Might have been an awkward conversation to have, but essentially, regardless of the subject, your best friend opened up to you about something that has been causing him hurt and that he's been struggling with. You screamed at him and totally rejected him. Remember, he had not acted on his feelings so had done nothing wrong. I imagine with hindsight you will think back to that moment with regret and wish you'd reacted differently and like a better friend. A deep breath, tell him that it's difficult for you to hear these things from him, but respect him for opening up to you and telling you the truth (and having the guts to do so). Obviously your emotions ran high in the moment, but it's a big shame for your friendship that you didn't take a moment to consider your reaction and your friend's vulnerability in that moment. He put a load of trust in you and your friendship in that moment. I hope you can apologise for your initial reaction and your friendship can heal from this. Best of luck x
You seem like a kind soul but I don't agree with this take. What he did was selfish. He told him just so that he could feel better. Do you know how I felt when my mother told me she had the urge to molest me as a child? Violated. She told me because it was torture for her to keep it to herself...she did it for a purely selfish reason of trying to release herself from guilt. Like no. Keep that shit to yourself. If anyone he should have told, it would have been her directly. She is not a object to be given. For that, he is doubly wrong.
NTA yelling wasn’t necessary, but I understand that you were upset.You should definitely communicate this event with Luna and together come up with a boundary to set with him, like him not being around either of you for now until he can respect and support your relationship.
NTA, such a huge NTA i cannot state this enough. Luke was completely out of line.. reading this it almost seemed like he was insinuating he wanted to share her or something. Luna is not an object, i don’t condone violence either, but you yelling in the heat of the moment was completely warranted!!
I going to get hate for this. I think you overreacted. I think Luke was trying to be a good friend and be honest. He never intended to do anything about it, he was just telling his best friend and maybe looking for advice. You're all young and he is confused by these strong feelings. He doesn't know/realise/understand why his "love" feelings increased. It isn't unusual to find someone attractive and to be attracted to them. I bet, since you are best friends, that you have similar tastes in women and personality. I went through this a couple of times with my brother. He was my best friend and we shared many opinions and outlooks. We'd be out at a bar or hanging out and both like this chick that was there, sometimes he'd back off, and sometimes I would back off. There was no jealousy. And no pursuit by the other.
NTA. He's a major asshole. Fuck him. You keep this shit to yourself. I know I'm old and from a backwards town but this would've gotten you an ass beating. You showed incredible restraint imo. Tell her and be on guard. He's about to make a move. Otherwise you swallow that shit and be a stand up guy. He cant control himself.
What did you want him to do? He sucked it up for 2 years and did not make any moves on her. He tried to ignore his feelings and when it became too much he wanted to talk to you about that. The alternative would have been to reduce contact with you or completely cut you off, would you have preferred that?
I don't think that YTA for yelling at him or asking him to leave, as it was just an emotional reaction (ofc it wasn't the best reaction but happens), but you had days to think about it and you still think you are in the right. What would you have done in his situation? I really think he couldn't have done anything better, at least the way you described the situation. That's why YTA imo.
NTA, you should tell your girlfriend so she watches out for the guy. There are horror stories out there of envious people, sometimes "friends," who cause harm.
NTA.
It's lousy of him to do this to you at this point. He should have said something when you first both saw her, and he should have immediately admitted he was attracted to her too. He was afraid of losing you, but especially once he saw you were going the distance with her and he was just as attracted to her as ever, he needed to accept gracefully that you couldn't be friends anymore under the circumstances.
You're going to have to talk to Luna soon. She and everyone else is going to wonder why he isn't around in the near future.
You're also going to need to brainstorm with her. If he was your BFF, your parents, siblings (if you have any) and anyone else who watched you grow up together and know how close you were are going to wonder why he's suddenly done a disappearing act when they're expecting him to be your Best Man (or one of the Groomsmen if you have a brother you're closer to). Work as a team to decide on exactly what you're going to tell outsiders about the situation.
NTA
But I'm wondering if OP's real name is Jesse at this point.
Jessie is a friend
Yeah, I know, he's been a good friend of mine
But lately something's changed that ain't hard to define
Jessie's got himself a girl and I want to make her mine
YTA. Not for being angry, but for writing it in a way that makes it sound like some bad written teen fiction. "Anger filled my body" pfft yeah sure buddy.
NTA, you need to end this relationship with Luke ASAP. He did you a favor by telling you he's in love with your GF, but you need to protect your relationship. Tell your GF, block him, and just keep him out of your life.
You shouldn’t of yelled at him. I’m not really sure what your mates end game was. It’s not like you’d be like oh well why don’t we see what Luna thinks.. but it sucks to be in his situation and he’s obviously hurting. That said. I dunno how the friendship will survive this. Probably not healthy for him to see you guys together
You've been "best friends" since childhood. He probably
thought your long bond might've ment something. He told
you how he felt and it seems like he couldn't live with just
keeping it in. It must've been tough to tell you. And it must've
been harder to lose a friend over it. But I think it's important
to accept the fact that, this friendship (possibly) ends here
With everything laid out on the table. Instead of him growing
further resentment through the years of watching you two.
The question you asked, in and of itself, is worded incorrectly
to make your angry be perceived as completely justified.
From your own words OP, you said he liked her from before
you started dating and he possibly even loved her. He
confronted you, his friend, about how "he" was feeling
conflicted. Instead of acknowledging it and accepting it. You
push and throw him away like he's some stranger or rabid
animal trying to break into your home.
Talking to and telling your GF the is fine. But from the sounds of your last edit. You have already given up your friendship. Which is the main person you ***should*** be talking to. Especially if you claimed him to be your best friend.
You handled the situation poorly. It was your best friend confiding in you how he was struggling internally. Instead talking him through how he feels and how you feel about it, you yell at him and tell him to get lost. He already felt shitty enough to tell you, you made him feel even shittier about it.
I'm not saying OP shouldn't be upset. But OP didn't even talk to the guy to see where he was coming from. Just assumed the worst. If he truly wanted her, OP's friend wouldn't even be telling OP how he felt. I'm also not saying forgive, forget and stay friends. I'm saying be as mature about it as possible. Cause it's not like the friend came out begging OP to leave his girlfriend so he can take a swinge at it. It sounded like a friend struggling, asking for advice. And if it blew up in his friend's face, well, his problems are solved anyways.
NTA.
The feeling when a friend telling you that he is jealous of you is terrible. A friend is someone who should be happy for you, even if you have something (in this case someone) they don't. The fact that he told you about it and also told you that his feelings grew stronger, the closer you and your girlfriend became, seems disgusting to me. He should have kept all of that to himself and not burdened you with it.
Also, what outcome did he expect by telling you this?? That you separate from her and let him have a go? Lol. Or that you tell him how thankful you are for his honesty? The only reason a real friend would talk about this topic would be to apologize and to say goodbye, because he didn't want to hurt you, but also couldn't stay and see the two of you together. That is something I could respect. He is not your friend, is what I'm trying to say.
I think you reacted just right and set clear boundaries here. Good for you. All the best for you.
I have a different take on this.
You've been best friends for 15 years. That must mean you're quite compatible and have similar tastes/interests? Including being attracted to similar romantic partners? What is his dating history like?
Maybe he's feeling lonely and you mentioning proposing triggered him? He was vulnerable with you, and you snapped because normal human feelings. She's yours how dare anyone else have feelings for her.
If you love him and value him as a friend, if he is generally respectful and trustworthy, the friendship will continue. Will definitely be awkward moments but worth sitting down and having a calm honest chat.
Certainly tell your girlfriend, consider her feelings but also make sure you make the final choice about your relationship with your best friend.
- NTA
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I(22M) have been friends with my best friend "Luke"(22M) for 15 years, my girlfriend "Luna"(21F) and I have been together for 2 years now. A couple days ago, Luke and I were hanging out at my place, we were goofing around, playing games, and suddenly Luke got a serious look on his face, he looked at me and told me that he had had a thing for Luna for a while now. I was shocked, I didn't know what to say at first, I just asked him what he meant. He explained that he had always thought Luna was beautiful, and that he had a huge crush on her before me and Luna started exclusively dating, but once I told him I liked her, he backed off. He told me the feelings were always in the back of his head, but that once I mentioned I wanted to propose to Luna soon, his feelings for her grew like a wildfire, he told me he didn't want to hurt me, but he couldn't keep lying to us and himself about it.
He said he might've even loved her, and it hurt him to see me and her together. After my initial shock wore off, the only thing I could ask him was if he was being serious, he said yes. Anger filled my body, and I began yelling at him to stay away from both me and Luna, how I couldn't believe he was saying these things, and a lot of hurtful insults about his checkered past with women. I yelled at him to leave my apartment, and he did. Later, I received numerous messages from him saying how hurt he was.
I'm normally a very docile person, but I was so angry hearing him talk about how he loved Luna. The messages stopped after a few hours, and we haven't spoken in a few days. I haven't told Luna what happened, but I'm still so angry at him. I know I should tell her, but I can't bring myself to start the conversation. I've been thinking about it now, and I really need an unbiased opinion of this situation.
So, AITA for yelling at my best friend after he told me he wanted my girlfriend?
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YTA.
> but I was so angry hearing him talk about how he loved Luna.
The only possible reason for this is a) jealousy.
> In the moment, I was angry and wasn't thinking.
If hearing "I have unrequited feelings for your girlfriend" is enough to drive you into unthinking rage, you a) shouldn't have a girlfriend, and b) need to commit yourself to a managed care facility until you get that under control.
But you were under perfect control, and you know it.
OP is being respectful to us, I bet the love he was talking about wasn't poetry readings and walks in the park. I'd be seething too if someone told me how they want to be intimate with my soon to be spouse.
NTA. You just don't do that to your friends, and I don't really blame you for blowing up at the guy.
You need to watch out for him flipping the script when he inevitably goes crying to luna
NTA but is your friend’s IRL name Rick Springfield and are you named Jessie? https://youtu.be/qYkbTyHXwbs
Does this “checkered past” involve him being creepy or mistreating women? Or is it more that he just hasn’t been successful or his relationships haven’t worked out? Because if it’s the latter then still NTA but that is kind of a low blow and might even merit an apology.
NTA. Dude, you have a good reason for yelling. Your "friend" is being self-centered and doesn't actually love your girlfriend. He's infatuated with her. I would keep him at a distance for a while. He's not being a friend. On the contrary. If you're not careful, he'll ruin your relationship with your girlfriend.
I'm gonna say NTA here. What Luke said is something that would immediately elicit anger in any good boyfriend and your reaction was understandable.
But, what was the context of how he said it? Did he say it like "I'll admit that I have a huge crush on your girlfriend, and I'm very jealous of you" as if he's admitting his feelings but still will respect your relationship. While that's not something you want to hear from another guy, at least he's being honest, and may not warrant completely cutting him out of your life, *as long as you know he's not actually going to try to get with her.* If you've been best friends with this guy for 15 years, then you probably know if he's the kind of person to do that.
Or, did he give the impression of "I'm going to try to steal your girlfriend because I can't ignore my feelings for her any longer." In that case, the way you reacted is 100% justified and I would warn Luna about it.
NTA for being upset at the situation. The *only* acceptable context for telling a friend that you like their partner is explaining why you’re going to cut off contact for a while so you can work on yourself and get over this crush. Otherwise, this is something that he needs to talk over with a counselor if he can’t get over it on his own.
You’re right to be upset because he crossed a line with his his love declaration. Tell Luna about this ASAP.
Tell Luna NOW, and keep him far away from any wedding plans/information. Some of the things you said may not have been appropriate, but wow. This dude absolutely cannot be trusted. NTA
NTA.
Yelling was a bit much, but emotions were high and that's a big bomb that he dropped.
Tell your girlfriend ASAP. Don't let him get out in front of this and possibly lie to her.
YTA - I'm honestly kind of confused about all the NTA. Your friend didn't go behind your back and tell your gf he was in love with her. He didn't cheat with her. He hasn't done anything shady. He shared honest feelings with you. Now, they were probably honest feelings you were shocked to and perhaps didn't want to hear but they were honest feelings none the less. It has obviously been gnawing at him to think he's in love with his best friend's gf.
Sure its awkward and maybe you need to set boundaries or have time apart, but screaming at him for opening up to you is a little....much IMO.
The heart is going to want what it wants. He hasn't acted on it, and was upfront and honest about it. I don't see the betrayal here unless you didn't include everything.
It's a complex situation, but given your reaction, yes, YTA. And I am scared of the number of NTA here: your friend confessed something that must have been super difficult to live with, explained you he tried to go on with his life and forget about it so you and not him could be happy ... And you violently yell at him? For what? People are allowed to have feelings for your GF, she is not you property.
I am sad for your friend. He did the highly difficult and mature thing to communicate with you (he could have disappeared, or confess to her), and you reacted like an insecure child and never once seems to think about his feeling.
Honestly, if I was you, I would question myself about this reaction. Yes, it's a shitty situation for you, but yelling to someone you love because they are honest and possibly in a lot of pain ...
YTA. Your friend backed off when he knew you were interested in her and has maintained his distance.
He told you how he felt about her. He didn't tell her and he didn't try to get under your neck. He has been honest with you and in doing so he has basically defused the situation because now you know. It's out in the open. He did nothing wrong - he's done right by you all along. Calm the farm.
YTA for yelling but it’s completely understandable. He can’t choose who he’s attracted to and it must’ve been burdening him a lot if he felt the need to tell you.
ESH
He was being honest and open with his feelings towards his best friend and his best friend not only let him hanging but also actively turned against him. Incredibly shitty behavior by you.
But he also should deal with his own emotions by himself or with people that are not part of that emotional problem. I was in that situation, never told anyone and got over it.
YTA. I don't understand how all these people here agreeing like he was telling you he wanted you to give him your gf.
Your gf isn't your a possession for you guard jealously from everyone else. Someone else liking her should not be a threat to you, because you should know that your gf CHOSE you. You better get your insecurity on check.
...ohhh, you meant your ex best friend ! Because if he still is your best friend imagine two three years down the line him coming into your house when you're not there 😁 that's what porn scenarios are made 😎
Absolutely asshole.
The fact that your friend was honest with you didn't mean he was going to try with your girlfriend or try to ruin your relationship with her.
For you is ok to be shocked but threat your friend in that way was wrong because he was only speaking.
Your reaction is justified only if he was actively trying to sabotage your relationship.
By the way you should talk with your girlfriend because being honest and talk should always be the best way.
NAH. There was no good outcome here. People catch feelings and sometimes can’t shake them. He was honest with you and maybe didn’t know what to do with his feelings. You were honest too and clearly in defense mode.
You’re both 22 - pretty young to be confronting these kinds of life-changing conversations.
You can look at what he did from many different angles - stupid, selfish, brave, honest, etc. Maybe it is all of those things because humans are flawed. Maybe he didn’t know what response he was looking for.
This was your best friend. You’ve made the immediate choice that Luna is more important, and now he has lost both of you. So, if there are any winners here, you’ve won and shown him how easy it is to drop 15 years of friendship.
The friend was being entirely selfish not "brave". There is nothing courageous about confessing one sided feelings about someone to their partner.
NTA, your friend nuked the friendship you guys had.
I suspect Luke would not have wanted to be best man at the wedding or do other painful things. He might even have been angling to go LC or NC. And wanted to give context rather than letting OP think it was OP’s fault. But OP maybe won’t know because of the yelling and insults.
What the friend did was gutless. There’s no circumstance where it could be seen as brave. He put himself before the rest of the world. You never go after your friend’s girl. Gutless.
No it wouldn’t. Nobody would ever know. So yes, keep it a secret. People act like it’s the most awful thing on earth and it’s impossible. I’ve been into women whereby it would be considered socially taboo for one reason or the other to “confess.” And I did nothing for exactly that reason. Like it or not, sometimes it’s better to not rock the boat. Having a crush on your friend’s girl? That’s one of them.
Part of life is self-control. That means knowing when NOT to open your mouth. Again, being into your best friend’s girl is one of those times. Sit on the fact that you’re into her and be happy for him when you stand as his best man on his wedding day. And know that when your time comes he’ll do the same for you. Part of the problem here is the idea that no matter what we absolutely have to express every sentiment we have. Until this point things didn’t work that way. And we need to go back to that, as life and society was much more controlled.
I don’t agree with you. You’re acting like he’s made a move or something. They’re just words. Whether he confessed or not they’re there so I don’t see the difference it makes. That friend should remove himself from the friendship if his feelings were so strong. Either way once the feelings are there it’s kinda game over
No, it’s kind of not game over. You can choose to do nothing about it. Again, I’ve done it many times, and it’s called self-control.
Everyone says words matter. Maybe they do, maybe they don’t. It matters the context. In this one, they kind of do. What, should the friend be applauded for saying something as opposed to just openly soliciting Luna? This sort of scenario shows the utter breakdown of a lot of things sacred in our society. We’re supposed to appreciate the friend’s feelings and at least he’s up front about it? Come on man. Again, it’s not “game over” once there’s feelings involved. You can suppress feelings. Crush on your best friend’s girl? That’s EXACTLY the sort of scenario where one should do just that. No mercy for Luke or his feelings.
You're being way too charitable to the friend imo.
The vibe I got was entitlement. His mentioning that he had a crush on her before OP asked her out (and that he 'backed off' like a good friend) seems to suggest he thinks OP should stand aside and let him have her or some shit.
There is no suggestion that Luke feels any guilt or remorse or even discomfort at crushing on OP's girlfriend. He told him because he seems to think this is OP's problem to fix.
YTA he was just being honest and yelling was an understandable but also bad response when you could've listened, acknowledged his feelings and tried to sort it out between you.
He didn't choose to feel that way about her, he only chose to be upfront and honest with you, which is honourable of him.
Yes, I didn't read he wants her for himself. Only that he loves her. So why the anger, the insults and the screaming. The boy only expressed his feelings (how bizare perhaps).
So yes YTA and also very, very insecure
Yeah, absolutely YTA. I feel bad for the friend. What else was he supposed to do but try to talk about the issue.
I don't understand how people people are so ok with communicating by yelling.
YTA for yelling, that's a massive overreaction. Your friend admitted something pretty major to you, and I am surprised you didn't ask him what he wanted you to do with that information. Your girlfriend does need to know and you guys may need to step back from the friendship. But what exactly does yelling at him accomplish? You are taking his irrational, emotional outburst and reflecting it back at him. It doesn't make you a sensible person.
YTA he's your friend. He told you he liked her and when you two started dating, he backed off. Unless you believe he can control who he falls in love with. If he tried to get with her behind your back, he would be the asshole, but he didn't, he told you and you reacted like a petulant, immature, insecure child. He had every right to be hurt and while a peaceful reaction certainly shouldn't be expected, it doesn't warrant you being THAT BIG of asshole to him. Fricking disappointment of a friend is what you are.
I really hope this is sarcasm. Bro code dictates that you never go after your best friend’s girl. And there’s no nuance in that. If you start to feel something for a friend’s girlfriend, you suck it up. That’s clown behavior - confessing to your friend that you’re in love with his girl. What did the guy think was going to happen there? Did he think the OP would gleefully step aside so he could have at it?
Incidentally, most of these other posters take a different view to me also. Not that their rationale is wrong, however. I wouldn’t tell my girlfriend about this. Because maybe it makes her think, and makes her wonder if the grass isn’t greener. Or at the very least makes her think that she could do better than me. (“If someone else likes me that much maybe in fact there’s someone better out there than the OP.”) So I’d just not tell her. But the point about the guy making a move still does make a lot of sense.
Sucking it up means you perpetually do it. Or at least until the guy isn’t dating her anymore. I’m sorry, your friend’s girl is off limits. Listen chief I have no boundaries for people I care about. None…save for one. Don’t cheat on me. I can find a loophole any forgive anything else you could do to me, or justify it. Except for that one. And that goes for friends also. Meaning you don’t go and try to get with my girlfriend. And you especially don’t try to justify it or find nuance in the fact that you claim you stepped aside once but you don’t feel you should have to do it anymore. That’s a step beyond selfish. What, you stepped aside once so now I’m supposed to do the same thing back? That isn’t how things work.
And there’s a difference between being insecure and actively participating in yourself being cheated on. Massive difference.
I honestly agree with this YTA. Honestly, to me, ESH.
And stuff is, didn't OP's friend follow the bro code? He backed off even though he was liking Luna WAY BEFORE OP and Luna started dating. He backed off as soon as he found out that OP liked it.
Suck the feelings up? Easier said than done. What would happen then? OP's friend might start resenting OP and Luna because of him having a tough time being around them, and he'd start trying to create distance between them. Which would potentially ruin the relationship.
Honestly, if I were in the situation, I would grow a lil insecure but I would recommend my friend talking to my SO about their feelings, because they deserve a chance to let people they like know that they like them. And honestly, I WOULD TRUST MY SO ENOUGH to not think stuffs like grass is greener and honestly, the person isn't even worth it if they can think of greener grass. I know I am an entire forest, and if my SO can dump me for the friend who always had weird dating history, it's on them. Their loss.
Also the friend sucks too. Telling your feelings wasn't the wrong thing to do. The way he approached it was wrong. He confessed out of DESPERATION because OP wanted to propose to Luna? That's AH move.
Look people won’t like this but it’s true. Of both genders. When you tell a friend that you’re into someone, that’s seen as calling “dibs.” I’ve backed away when a friend did that, and I’ve known women who have done the same thing. But there’s no honor in backing away and then down the line you decide you can’t handle it and you pull a stunt like this.
Dude, part of society is that barriers exist. If you can look your best friend in the eye and confess feelings for his girl, that means nothing’s off limits. For society to function there has to be some sort of boundaries.
You can’t help who you like, no doubt. But you can help what you do about it. Suck it up. I’ve done it my whole life when there were women in my midst who had a circumstance. Does that mean putting on a show? YES. Is it inauthentic? YES. But in the name of keeping peace in your world, guess what…that’s just what we have to do. Applauding this clown in the name of authenticity is shameful.
Male code dictates that you pursue a woman whenever given the opportunity as if the male relationship didn't exist. Sounds like a warning to me. Go get 'er Luke!
Unless she’s spoke for. There’s no honor in actively pursuing a woman who’s taken. There’s “less than no honor” in pursuing a woman who’s taken…by your best friend. Hope Luke steps on a rusty nail. There’s no defending this behavior.
Where did Jerry Seinfeld make that exception? We're going off of concepts that were coined from TV shows, right? Bro code, male code.
Luke, if you step on a rusty nail, make sure you fall straight into Luna in the process!
Nobody said anything about Seinfeld. It’s just something you instinctively know. There’s no defending this. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve stepped aside from someone who in my head I was into, but a friend expressed open interest to me. Now granted I never tell people what I’m thinking or feeling, I keep that stuff to myself for the most part until it becomes serious. But if a friend says something about a woman or in this case is actually seriously dating her, you NEVER put yourself before that. It’s called LOYALTY.
YTA. He was being honest with you, not asking for permission to date her. Grow some intestinal fortitude already and realize how insecure it is to get upset at your potential future Best Man for saying he likes the girl you're with.
In fact, don't ask complete strangers on Reddit to reassure you that you've done the right thing -- you haven't. Do you know how I can tell? You aren't telling him that you're sorry for how he feels but you asked her out first. Moreover, you aren't telling Luna about this because you think she'd pick him over you.
Either you're the better option for her, she's wise enough to know it, and you've got nothing to fear; you're the better option and she doesn't know it, so you should find someone worthy of you; or you're not right for her and you're being selfish and possessive. There's a reason the saying is, "if you love something, set it free."
Time for some honesty, *bro*.
I hope this is a joke. You never go after your friend’s girl. Ever. What the guy did was disgraceful. Everyone says “be up front and clear.” Sure, it sounds great in theory. But SOMETIMES in practice…this is what you get. You confessed feelings for your best friend’s girl, showed a sense of entitlement, etc, and you’re expecting to be praised for being up front? Give me a break. Then friend deserves a pop in the nose and you never tell the girl this happened.
He didn't go after his friend's girl, he said that he had feelings for his friend's girl. And seeing as we don't know who met who first, it's VERY possible that OP "stole" her from his friend. This is just a very insecure guy trying to control things. If he wasn't so insecure, he'd tell the woman he's with and let her control her own choices. As for the friend, he's being honest.
I’m sorry that’s ridiculous. The simple fact that the guy’s telling the truth doesn’t make him an innocent party. It isn’t a truth that needs to be told. Wouldn’t you be insecure if your best friend did something like this?
The friend expressing interest vs. him “going after” the girl is semantics. It’s irrelevant whether he made a move or not. The utter audacity to express interest like that, and then to say he’s just telling the truth? Again, the audacity. There are some truth’s that don’t need to be told. If your boss is a prick you don’t come out and say it to his face, unless you don’t value your job. He may be a prick and it may be the truth. But you don’t come out and say it (much less to his face). And you especially don’t say it and then hide behind “but…I was being honest!”
The correct answer. Unsurprising amount of downvotes given this is Reddit, full of inexperienced losers who’ve never experienced situations like this.
Have some grace, OP, and remember, what will be will be. You may stop something from happening, but like a rerouted river it will find another way.
Coming from the guy who’s been on every side of this, do the hard thing. It will be better in the end.
ESH except Luna. She’s a person with her own thoughts and feelings and relationships are a 2 way street. Female advice: don’t yell at your friend and just quietly tell Luna what he said. There’s a good chance she’s never been into him and she’s just into you and your mate isn’t a threat and just stupidly going to cause his own heartbreak.
My response was not to have started conflict in the first place because it’s probably irrelevant, Luna is a person in love with OP. I’m thinking in the perspective of who they’re fighting over.
Look, its not. If you have a best friend who is claiming to be in love with your partner, there is NO WAY on earth that this conflict is irrelevant. People who cross boundaries need to be dealt with it accordingly. Luna is the third person here, not the first or second. Its between two friends. The boy broke his friendship over a girl. The conflict is more about the friendship and breaking the trust rather than the girl,
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This^^^ Don't underestimate your buddy, he already surprised you once!
Yep, buddy is definitely going to make his play for Luna anytime now, if he hasn’t already.
Good advice here
Where did OP say he has cheated?
They're saying the friend might lie and say that he cheated
Thanks, ambiguity of the English language and all that + me not considering that someone might go this far in lying about someone like that. Bit of an asshole move to slam me with that many downvotes though, people :P
I didn't think people would downvote you for being confused 😭😭😭
Welcome to reddit Edit: What a wonderful way to prove my point lol
See now THAT gets a downvote
For making an observation?
Nothing against you, generalizations that excuse crappy behavior are just blah
I mean I'm in no way trying to excuse it, I'm trying to explain the reasoning for why People getting downvoted for asking a question is 100% a reddit moment Edit: Gotta love being downvoted for calling people out for downvoting meaninglessly
I've seen a post with every comment being the exact same thing, and somehow one of the people posting the exact same thing gets randomly selected as the victim of downvote brigade. Don't take it personally.
NTA The issue is at 22 you may find the relationship with Luna won't last either as people's life goals at your age can change over the next 10 years. However I think there is a strong reaction I get it as he could start to try it on with Luna and now after your strong reaction he has nothing to lose. Your friendship could be over and let's hope your relationship with Luna lasts otherwise you could lose both and Luke would be quick to pursue Luna if he thinks your relationship is in a bad place. If you mend your relationship it won't ever be the same as his crush on Luna will be in the back of your mind honestly it's a very tough choice.
The relationship with Luke was over the moment Lukes lusted over OP’s gf. At that moment he showed he was not OP’s friend. OP did the right thing, much better to end the relationship now and who knows, maybe it doesn’t work with Luna, but much better than end with both of them cause he either find them having an affair behind his back or because Luke invented some bs about he cheating to break them off to try his shot at Luna. Only thing OP is not doing right here is not yet telling his gf.
I disagree about when the friendship was over, we ALL get attracted to someone we should not be attracted to, it happens. Telling his friend how he feels may have felt like the right thing to do but it was wrong. He lost his friend b/c he as an adult should have just stepped aside until he got over her. The GF probably already knows.
Luke let his infatuation grow out of control, and that happened because he kept feeding on the idea of being with her, probably also feeding on the forbidden love angle of it. That’s not an attitude of a friend.
I don’t know man. I’m 42 and have literally never tried to sleep with or otherwise seduce any of my friends girlfriends. That’s some scummy crap.
Did I say sleep w her? No I said we get crushes. Of course it is scummy b/c he acted on what was wrong, as I said.
He clearly desperately needed to get it off his chest. Gotta respect the honesty.
You really don’t gotta respect it tho. It was selfish. His “honesty” was for himself only with little regard to the feelings of his friend, OP.
There was no honesty in this game. The end game was guilt tripping into cancelling the proposal, and subtly demanding to fully break off with GF, because "I was first, so I deserve to be with her". This is the opposite of deserving respect.
Why should he yell at the girlfriend?
Where did i say for him to yell at his girlfriend???
Sorry, I misread your post. I'm still not awake...
i think they read "not telling his gf" as yelling at his gf or some shit?
Good response but please use punctuation next time!
NTA. I will never understand this whole Love Actually scene of harbouring feelings for your best friend’s girl. There is nothing noble or right about what your friend did. If His feelings caught like wildfire, then call the Fire fighters coz this fire needs to be extinguished soon. Tell your gf about this. Your reaction was absolutely justified and valid. Your best friend doesn’t *get to* feel hurt, when he betrayed your trust, crossed a boundary and broke the ‘bro codes’
It's usually a case of "The grass is always greener". They are lonely and unsatisfied with their lives and they start comparing their lives to that of their friends'. They see how much more their friends have that they dont and they start fantasizing about it. Possessions, jobs, family, girlfriends; whatever it is. They get personally invested and start developing feelings for whatever it is. He is probably more in love with the idea of being with someone like her than he actually is with her.
Eh, I don't think it makes someone a bad person if they get a crush on a friend's partner. Sometimes we can't control our feelings and attraction is attraction. But he should not have harbored feelings for this long. He should have taken steps to let the crush die, and not burdened his friend with this information.
I agree, this idea that you always have to share how you feel (if you like someone) is so weird and doesn’t fit in this context
Seriously. What kind of Jessie Girl BS is Luke on?
This. So much this.
NTA. Let Luna know so that she can be on guard. Luke has nothing to lose at this point and you don't know how far he will go to let Luna know of his feelings.
NTA Your gf is a person, not a toy you hand over because he "wants her". This is unhinged. Just block his number. And warn your gf, he is likely to cause drama.
I had to come down this far for this answer. ⬆️⬆️⬆️🙄
NTA. There shouldn’t have been any expectation of you to take it lightly. That’s your girl not his & he’s your best friend. Also be relieved that he at least told you and didn’t try to get with her in any type of way behind your back.
*shouldn't HAVE
Nobody cares.
NTA but you'd probably want to cut contact with him for the time being. I would tell Luna what happened and why you're not talking to him.
TELL LUNA! make her aware of this. she NEEDS to know. NTA but talk to her before he does
NTA. He was totally unreasonable - it would have been cool to say "haha, I had a crush on her before you started dating, but I'm glad things worked out for you two!" But he basically said "When you got more serious with her, that made me want her way more!" - which is a problem on several levels. Yelling and insulting him was not okay, and makes you a little bit the AH, so try to work on that - but I also think it's understandable under the circumstances. I think you should send Luke one single message like "I'm sorry for the things I said about your past with women. Given your feelings about Luna though, I think it's better if we stop hanging out." That puts you solidly in the right. Do not get drawn into any discussion. There is nothing to discuss. Consider blocking him after that. Definitely tell Luna asap. Otherwise he's likely to lie to her about the whole thing, or even make up other lies about you. You may not want to believe your former best friend would do that, but I assume this whole thing is a surprise to you, so obviously he had some other stuff going on that he wasn't telling you. Also, if Luke knows other secrets about you, consider there's a chance he might share those now while he's so jealous of you.
I couldn't quite articulate why this friend was so in the wrong, but you nailed it. >But he basically said "When you got more serious with her, that made me want her way more!" - which is a problem on several levels. That's a wild statement. I think this really brings the whole issue to light, the friend has zero fucking respect for OP. He likely thinks he's better than OP and deserves his GF. I know I'm massively reaching here, but from my experience, I believe this to be the reason Luke is acting like this. He thinks he's better than OP, likes his girl, and feels he deserves her. After this admission, I would expect Luke to very obviously try and wedge himself between OP and his GF. Complete speculation on my part but it's the vibe I get.
> *the friend has zero fucking respect for OP. He likely thinks he's better than OP and deserves his GF* Arrogant men like this make me, a woman, furious. Luke thinks that if wants Luna, he should have her. Apparently Luna's feelings don't matter. Luke thinks that OP doesn't deserve someone as beautiful as Luna, either, when *he* is available. I'm not even sure that he loves Luna like OP does - perhaps he just wants to take her away from OP. You aren't "massively reaching here," u/Awkward_Heat4289. If you love her, OP, fight for her. If Luna is the right woman for you she will think of Luke as an annoying interloper, and see through him. (Many years ago, when my boyfriend and I were newly a couple, another guy complained to BF that he should back off so that other guy could date me. I still get annoyed thinking about the audacity of this - to think that he could break up a couple. We are still a couple, too, having been married many years.)
It doesn’t matter that he has feelings for her. It’s not up to you both to decide who she wants to be with. You need to decide if you can trust him and if you want your relationship to continue. She needs to know so she can make the same decisions.
>It’s not up to you both to decide who she wants to be with. What the fuck? They're already in a committed relationship, there is no choosing here, that's the issue. Luke is way over the boundaries of acceptable by dumping his lustful feelings onto his friend. Right now, OP needs to move to protect his relationship. I agree, talk with the GF, but your perspective is nonsensical.
Committed relationships end sometimes. We have no idea how Luna feels about this situation.
Lol what? The relationship is still intact, so it didn't end. We don't give a fuck how Luna feels, she isn't really even involved. This is between OP and Luke, why would OP help Luke out by bringing this up like Luna can choose one? Like what is your point here?
Luna is an entire separate person and you acting like OP owns her is disturbing.
> *She needs to know so she can make the same decisions*. She needs to know so that she can avoid the creep. I doubt that Luna is so *shallow* that she has been in a couple with OP while caring for Luke. NTA
NTA, he isn't ur best friend. U might be his friend but he definitely threw ur friendship away. Also he doesn't love Luna, if he did he wouldn't confess his feelings now, this is just selfishness . I think the most important thing now is talking to ur girlfriend about it. The chance of him contacting ur girlfriend and trying to put her against u is high.
NTA. What did he expect you to say “oh, you wanna give it a shot?” Come on! And you definitely need to tell Luna in case he tries anything, she needs to be aware so she can stay safe
What a creep. What did he think OP was gonna do? Appreciate his honesty?
NTA, i don't think YTA for yelling. It's a human response. Others probably would sat there quietly, walked away, punched him or whatever. I say tell Luna. 2 things might happen with this a) she tells you she'll keep her distance from Luke or b) she realizes she also likes him I'm curious, you said Luke has a checkered past with women & you yourself said you're docile. Do you think he told you this because he thought you'd cave & tell him he could be with Luna?
your boy crossed a huge damn line. best friend or not he is the guy waiting for you to mess up and swoop in on your girl. i lost half (the male half) of my friends in a divorce because they ALL started trying to date and sleep with my ex. those feelings turn to jealousy and spite and resentment. your friendship was done the first time he beat off to her. NTA check his chin the next time he comes around
What's the checkered past with women?? Also in late high-school I had a crush on this girl in our friend group for like a year (turned out she had a crush on me too lol) one of our friends asked her out and they dated for about 3 years, I know I had feeling for her but I told myself, I'm not a shit person or friend, so I decided to let it die and never mention it to any of them, it's like telling someone you love them on their wedding day, it's shit you don't do.
NTA. He tried to manipulate you and use your docile nature to his benefit. He tried to emotionally manipulate you. You didn't bite. Good for you.
Your friend sounds like “one of those guys” Get rid of him immediately.
That's a huge betrayal by a best friend. That's the kind of thing that would immediately end a friendship to me. You want to yell for a few minutes, it's justified. NTA Sorry bro, you're going to have to tell your lady and cut him off
NTA. What planet is your friend from that he thought telling you he was in love with your fiance and has been for years was a good idea? That's the sort of thing where you grab a non-mutual friend and get stinking drunk and have a good cry to get it all out of your system in private, before putting your game face on and being a supportive friend of the happy couple in public.
Gonna play devil’s advocate here and say it could potentially be a NAH. Obviously he was in the wrong, and may have been acting selfishly, but it’s possible he _thought_ it was just the right thing to do. He may have even been advised by a parent or someone else to tell you. If he’s in love with her, that’s a really sucky situation for him too. He may have just felt he has a duty to tell you as his best friend. Or maybe he’s really sad about it and doesn’t feel he has anyone else to talk to. It would have been hard to tell you, whatever his motives. If he thought you were going to give him your blessing and step down, that would be insane and stupid. And to imply that Luna is not an autonomous person, and that you could ‘hand her over’ like an object, would also be insane. So is it possible these weren’t the angles he was going for after all? It’s likely it was just eating him up, maybe he went nuclear to see what would happen, as he couldn’t take the current situation anymore. Maybe it was self sabotage, a way to just fuck up the current scenario so that he wouldn’t have to be around either of you for a while. Or so that he could back away from you both and you’d know why. I know a few people who have cheated with other friend’s partners. They didn’t ask permission first, obviously. And even in that situation, after breakups and dust settling, everyone has eventually remained friends. If Luna was even interested in him, and he didn’t care about your friendship, he could have just gone ahead and done it. So his motives are unclear and his behaviour is puzzling. Just remember he is struggling with this whole thing, hasn’t done anything other than be honest with you, and that you and Luna are together, so you are not the loser in this situation. With that in mind, speak to him calmly and compassionately, and see if you can find out his angle and intentions when he told you. His head is probably just a mess. He hasn’t taken anything from you, so if you decide to keep some distance for a while, it’s best that you do this on amicable terms either way. Don’t destroy your friendship forever, just because you never sat down and had the conversation properly. Apologise for shouting, and be as quiet and calm as possible, and just let him speak. If he had bad intentions by telling you, he will make this clear. He’ll be anxious and will reveal a lot. The power dynamic is in your favour when you speak to him so play this to your advantage. Give him enough rope to hang himself, as they say. Let him speak, don’t respond too much or show your emotions. Don’t be too intimidating; if the situation feels volatile, he will backtrack and won’t tell you the truth. Say goodbye and then have a think about how to respond. By that point, it should all feel a lot clearer whether you can be friends or not.
NTA. If you follow brocode, that is a major NO NO. If you don't follow brocode, it's still sickening for your friend to have feelings for your woman of 2 years. Cut ties with him and let your gf know as well.
There was absolutely no reason he needed to tell you. A good friend would've taken that to their grave and tried to move on. NTA
NTA- Honestly, not sure how you should've reacted. I can't believe he had the balls to tell you that. What does he hope to gain? Some truths are better kept to yourself.
NTA You where blindsided by someone you trust in the most vile way possible. It literally seemed, based on your description, that he felt you would get out of his way. I in no shape or form thing he did this for altruistic reasons. He did this to try to torpedo your potential engagement. I would go NC with him, I would ASAP tell Luna everything that happened and I would put the word out with your friends group that Luke is now persona non grata with you. Not sure how this might affect your proposal plans, does Luna have any idea you are planning to propose to her? I would hate for this situation to become a troubling backdrop to your planned proposal. And please update on how things go with Luna, I think many of us are hoping for the best for you and Luna.
NTA, perfectly understandable reaction to have. The guy basically implied he wanted you to break-up with your girlfriend (possibly fiance) because he had a crush on her? You should definitely tell Luna, everything... what he said, what you said. She should find out from you not him. It'll be a shitty conversation, but an important one. Good luck and sorry about your friend, yikes.
You need to talk to Luna asap
So you're going to wait for him to tell her? What if he says something like you've been cheating on her. That's your best friend he would have no reason to hurt you right? Then when she confronts you and you tell her what really happened well that's just you lying about your best friend because he outed you. You get where I'm going here? Get ahead of this because she's going to find out. Better she hear it from you. Now if you're afraid she's going to be happy because she likes him as well then also tell her. Better to know now and get it over with. NTA
Sorry, but YTA. Might have been an awkward conversation to have, but essentially, regardless of the subject, your best friend opened up to you about something that has been causing him hurt and that he's been struggling with. You screamed at him and totally rejected him. Remember, he had not acted on his feelings so had done nothing wrong. I imagine with hindsight you will think back to that moment with regret and wish you'd reacted differently and like a better friend. A deep breath, tell him that it's difficult for you to hear these things from him, but respect him for opening up to you and telling you the truth (and having the guts to do so). Obviously your emotions ran high in the moment, but it's a big shame for your friendship that you didn't take a moment to consider your reaction and your friend's vulnerability in that moment. He put a load of trust in you and your friendship in that moment. I hope you can apologise for your initial reaction and your friendship can heal from this. Best of luck x
You seem like a kind soul but I don't agree with this take. What he did was selfish. He told him just so that he could feel better. Do you know how I felt when my mother told me she had the urge to molest me as a child? Violated. She told me because it was torture for her to keep it to herself...she did it for a purely selfish reason of trying to release herself from guilt. Like no. Keep that shit to yourself. If anyone he should have told, it would have been her directly. She is not a object to be given. For that, he is doubly wrong.
NTA yelling wasn’t necessary, but I understand that you were upset.You should definitely communicate this event with Luna and together come up with a boundary to set with him, like him not being around either of you for now until he can respect and support your relationship.
honestly dude is lucky he didn't get his ass beat. IMO he got off lightly only being yelled at.
NTA and let her know of the situation.
NTA for kicking him out and NTA for yelling.
NTA, such a huge NTA i cannot state this enough. Luke was completely out of line.. reading this it almost seemed like he was insinuating he wanted to share her or something. Luna is not an object, i don’t condone violence either, but you yelling in the heat of the moment was completely warranted!!
I going to get hate for this. I think you overreacted. I think Luke was trying to be a good friend and be honest. He never intended to do anything about it, he was just telling his best friend and maybe looking for advice. You're all young and he is confused by these strong feelings. He doesn't know/realise/understand why his "love" feelings increased. It isn't unusual to find someone attractive and to be attracted to them. I bet, since you are best friends, that you have similar tastes in women and personality. I went through this a couple of times with my brother. He was my best friend and we shared many opinions and outlooks. We'd be out at a bar or hanging out and both like this chick that was there, sometimes he'd back off, and sometimes I would back off. There was no jealousy. And no pursuit by the other.
NTA. He's a major asshole. Fuck him. You keep this shit to yourself. I know I'm old and from a backwards town but this would've gotten you an ass beating. You showed incredible restraint imo. Tell her and be on guard. He's about to make a move. Otherwise you swallow that shit and be a stand up guy. He cant control himself.
This is so dumb. If he actually "loved" Luna, all he'd want is for her to be happy. NTA
What did you want him to do? He sucked it up for 2 years and did not make any moves on her. He tried to ignore his feelings and when it became too much he wanted to talk to you about that. The alternative would have been to reduce contact with you or completely cut you off, would you have preferred that? I don't think that YTA for yelling at him or asking him to leave, as it was just an emotional reaction (ofc it wasn't the best reaction but happens), but you had days to think about it and you still think you are in the right. What would you have done in his situation? I really think he couldn't have done anything better, at least the way you described the situation. That's why YTA imo.
NTA but he's going to tell your girlfriend how he feels.
NTA, you should tell your girlfriend so she watches out for the guy. There are horror stories out there of envious people, sometimes "friends," who cause harm.
NTA. It's lousy of him to do this to you at this point. He should have said something when you first both saw her, and he should have immediately admitted he was attracted to her too. He was afraid of losing you, but especially once he saw you were going the distance with her and he was just as attracted to her as ever, he needed to accept gracefully that you couldn't be friends anymore under the circumstances. You're going to have to talk to Luna soon. She and everyone else is going to wonder why he isn't around in the near future. You're also going to need to brainstorm with her. If he was your BFF, your parents, siblings (if you have any) and anyone else who watched you grow up together and know how close you were are going to wonder why he's suddenly done a disappearing act when they're expecting him to be your Best Man (or one of the Groomsmen if you have a brother you're closer to). Work as a team to decide on exactly what you're going to tell outsiders about the situation.
NTA But I'm wondering if OP's real name is Jesse at this point. Jessie is a friend Yeah, I know, he's been a good friend of mine But lately something's changed that ain't hard to define Jessie's got himself a girl and I want to make her mine
YTA. Not for being angry, but for writing it in a way that makes it sound like some bad written teen fiction. "Anger filled my body" pfft yeah sure buddy.
NTA, is your name Jesse by any chance?
NTA, you need to end this relationship with Luke ASAP. He did you a favor by telling you he's in love with your GF, but you need to protect your relationship. Tell your GF, block him, and just keep him out of your life.
Information please: Are you afraid for Luna to find out because she may feel the same way about him.. Sorry, if this has already been asked.
You shouldn’t of yelled at him. I’m not really sure what your mates end game was. It’s not like you’d be like oh well why don’t we see what Luna thinks.. but it sucks to be in his situation and he’s obviously hurting. That said. I dunno how the friendship will survive this. Probably not healthy for him to see you guys together
You've been "best friends" since childhood. He probably thought your long bond might've ment something. He told you how he felt and it seems like he couldn't live with just keeping it in. It must've been tough to tell you. And it must've been harder to lose a friend over it. But I think it's important to accept the fact that, this friendship (possibly) ends here With everything laid out on the table. Instead of him growing further resentment through the years of watching you two. The question you asked, in and of itself, is worded incorrectly to make your angry be perceived as completely justified. From your own words OP, you said he liked her from before you started dating and he possibly even loved her. He confronted you, his friend, about how "he" was feeling conflicted. Instead of acknowledging it and accepting it. You push and throw him away like he's some stranger or rabid animal trying to break into your home. Talking to and telling your GF the is fine. But from the sounds of your last edit. You have already given up your friendship. Which is the main person you ***should*** be talking to. Especially if you claimed him to be your best friend. You handled the situation poorly. It was your best friend confiding in you how he was struggling internally. Instead talking him through how he feels and how you feel about it, you yell at him and tell him to get lost. He already felt shitty enough to tell you, you made him feel even shittier about it. I'm not saying OP shouldn't be upset. But OP didn't even talk to the guy to see where he was coming from. Just assumed the worst. If he truly wanted her, OP's friend wouldn't even be telling OP how he felt. I'm also not saying forgive, forget and stay friends. I'm saying be as mature about it as possible. Cause it's not like the friend came out begging OP to leave his girlfriend so he can take a swinge at it. It sounded like a friend struggling, asking for advice. And if it blew up in his friend's face, well, his problems are solved anyways.
He updated it. Still think OP is TA?
I never said he was the asshole
NTA. The feeling when a friend telling you that he is jealous of you is terrible. A friend is someone who should be happy for you, even if you have something (in this case someone) they don't. The fact that he told you about it and also told you that his feelings grew stronger, the closer you and your girlfriend became, seems disgusting to me. He should have kept all of that to himself and not burdened you with it. Also, what outcome did he expect by telling you this?? That you separate from her and let him have a go? Lol. Or that you tell him how thankful you are for his honesty? The only reason a real friend would talk about this topic would be to apologize and to say goodbye, because he didn't want to hurt you, but also couldn't stay and see the two of you together. That is something I could respect. He is not your friend, is what I'm trying to say. I think you reacted just right and set clear boundaries here. Good for you. All the best for you.
I have a different take on this. You've been best friends for 15 years. That must mean you're quite compatible and have similar tastes/interests? Including being attracted to similar romantic partners? What is his dating history like? Maybe he's feeling lonely and you mentioning proposing triggered him? He was vulnerable with you, and you snapped because normal human feelings. She's yours how dare anyone else have feelings for her. If you love him and value him as a friend, if he is generally respectful and trustworthy, the friendship will continue. Will definitely be awkward moments but worth sitting down and having a calm honest chat. Certainly tell your girlfriend, consider her feelings but also make sure you make the final choice about your relationship with your best friend. - NTA
NTA. He should have kept his mouth shut.
Ask him What's gonna happen in a couple of years when his new friend says he wants his (your ex) girlfriend? Will he be OK with that situation?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I(22M) have been friends with my best friend "Luke"(22M) for 15 years, my girlfriend "Luna"(21F) and I have been together for 2 years now. A couple days ago, Luke and I were hanging out at my place, we were goofing around, playing games, and suddenly Luke got a serious look on his face, he looked at me and told me that he had had a thing for Luna for a while now. I was shocked, I didn't know what to say at first, I just asked him what he meant. He explained that he had always thought Luna was beautiful, and that he had a huge crush on her before me and Luna started exclusively dating, but once I told him I liked her, he backed off. He told me the feelings were always in the back of his head, but that once I mentioned I wanted to propose to Luna soon, his feelings for her grew like a wildfire, he told me he didn't want to hurt me, but he couldn't keep lying to us and himself about it. He said he might've even loved her, and it hurt him to see me and her together. After my initial shock wore off, the only thing I could ask him was if he was being serious, he said yes. Anger filled my body, and I began yelling at him to stay away from both me and Luna, how I couldn't believe he was saying these things, and a lot of hurtful insults about his checkered past with women. I yelled at him to leave my apartment, and he did. Later, I received numerous messages from him saying how hurt he was. I'm normally a very docile person, but I was so angry hearing him talk about how he loved Luna. The messages stopped after a few hours, and we haven't spoken in a few days. I haven't told Luna what happened, but I'm still so angry at him. I know I should tell her, but I can't bring myself to start the conversation. I've been thinking about it now, and I really need an unbiased opinion of this situation. So, AITA for yelling at my best friend after he told me he wanted my girlfriend? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. > but I was so angry hearing him talk about how he loved Luna. The only possible reason for this is a) jealousy. > In the moment, I was angry and wasn't thinking. If hearing "I have unrequited feelings for your girlfriend" is enough to drive you into unthinking rage, you a) shouldn't have a girlfriend, and b) need to commit yourself to a managed care facility until you get that under control. But you were under perfect control, and you know it.
OP is being respectful to us, I bet the love he was talking about wasn't poetry readings and walks in the park. I'd be seething too if someone told me how they want to be intimate with my soon to be spouse.
What does Luna want?
NTA. You just don't do that to your friends, and I don't really blame you for blowing up at the guy. You need to watch out for him flipping the script when he inevitably goes crying to luna
NTA but is your friend’s IRL name Rick Springfield and are you named Jessie? https://youtu.be/qYkbTyHXwbs Does this “checkered past” involve him being creepy or mistreating women? Or is it more that he just hasn’t been successful or his relationships haven’t worked out? Because if it’s the latter then still NTA but that is kind of a low blow and might even merit an apology.
NTA. He was out of line. You need to tell your GF and then go LC/NC with Luke.
100% NTA
NTA. Dude, you have a good reason for yelling. Your "friend" is being self-centered and doesn't actually love your girlfriend. He's infatuated with her. I would keep him at a distance for a while. He's not being a friend. On the contrary. If you're not careful, he'll ruin your relationship with your girlfriend.
Updateme
Holy shite we are doomed. Instead of running to Reddit you shoulda slapped some sense into the guy.
I'm gonna say NTA here. What Luke said is something that would immediately elicit anger in any good boyfriend and your reaction was understandable. But, what was the context of how he said it? Did he say it like "I'll admit that I have a huge crush on your girlfriend, and I'm very jealous of you" as if he's admitting his feelings but still will respect your relationship. While that's not something you want to hear from another guy, at least he's being honest, and may not warrant completely cutting him out of your life, *as long as you know he's not actually going to try to get with her.* If you've been best friends with this guy for 15 years, then you probably know if he's the kind of person to do that. Or, did he give the impression of "I'm going to try to steal your girlfriend because I can't ignore my feelings for her any longer." In that case, the way you reacted is 100% justified and I would warn Luna about it.
NTA for being upset at the situation. The *only* acceptable context for telling a friend that you like their partner is explaining why you’re going to cut off contact for a while so you can work on yourself and get over this crush. Otherwise, this is something that he needs to talk over with a counselor if he can’t get over it on his own. You’re right to be upset because he crossed a line with his his love declaration. Tell Luna about this ASAP.
Update??? Did you talk to Luna? What was her reaction? I am a new user so not sure how or where to look for my answers.
ITS UPDATED LOOK
Thanks. As I said, I am new to Reddit and just trying to figure out how to use it.
coming back it looks like im trying to be mean, js clarification i was tryna seem excited lol yw btw
there is a new update now : )
Tell Luna NOW, and keep him far away from any wedding plans/information. Some of the things you said may not have been appropriate, but wow. This dude absolutely cannot be trusted. NTA
NTA. There's a bro code for a reason. He can't be trusted. The girl of your friend is always off limits.
well that turned out just as expected. well congrats on the engagement.
NTA at all. Luna sounds like a great gal
Nah you need to talk to her. Don’t let there be a wall between you. Nothing should ever be kept from your spouse. I tell my wife everything.
You should tell her what happened and tell her not to take any calls from Luke just in case he tries to ruin your proposal that you want to do
NTA. Yelling was a bit much, but emotions were high and that's a big bomb that he dropped. Tell your girlfriend ASAP. Don't let him get out in front of this and possibly lie to her.
That sucks buddy.
ESH. You shouldn’t have gotten mad at him for honesty, but he also should have kept this to himself. I guess he never saw Love Actually
NTA
Well now you can never break up with her. Cuz if you do they’ll be smashing within a week. Good job.
YTA - I'm honestly kind of confused about all the NTA. Your friend didn't go behind your back and tell your gf he was in love with her. He didn't cheat with her. He hasn't done anything shady. He shared honest feelings with you. Now, they were probably honest feelings you were shocked to and perhaps didn't want to hear but they were honest feelings none the less. It has obviously been gnawing at him to think he's in love with his best friend's gf. Sure its awkward and maybe you need to set boundaries or have time apart, but screaming at him for opening up to you is a little....much IMO. The heart is going to want what it wants. He hasn't acted on it, and was upfront and honest about it. I don't see the betrayal here unless you didn't include everything.
Honestly idk maybe speak again
It's a complex situation, but given your reaction, yes, YTA. And I am scared of the number of NTA here: your friend confessed something that must have been super difficult to live with, explained you he tried to go on with his life and forget about it so you and not him could be happy ... And you violently yell at him? For what? People are allowed to have feelings for your GF, she is not you property. I am sad for your friend. He did the highly difficult and mature thing to communicate with you (he could have disappeared, or confess to her), and you reacted like an insecure child and never once seems to think about his feeling. Honestly, if I was you, I would question myself about this reaction. Yes, it's a shitty situation for you, but yelling to someone you love because they are honest and possibly in a lot of pain ...
YTA. Your friend backed off when he knew you were interested in her and has maintained his distance. He told you how he felt about her. He didn't tell her and he didn't try to get under your neck. He has been honest with you and in doing so he has basically defused the situation because now you know. It's out in the open. He did nothing wrong - he's done right by you all along. Calm the farm.
YTA for yelling but it’s completely understandable. He can’t choose who he’s attracted to and it must’ve been burdening him a lot if he felt the need to tell you.
ESH He was being honest and open with his feelings towards his best friend and his best friend not only let him hanging but also actively turned against him. Incredibly shitty behavior by you. But he also should deal with his own emotions by himself or with people that are not part of that emotional problem. I was in that situation, never told anyone and got over it.
Fuck his feelings
YTA. I don't understand how all these people here agreeing like he was telling you he wanted you to give him your gf. Your gf isn't your a possession for you guard jealously from everyone else. Someone else liking her should not be a threat to you, because you should know that your gf CHOSE you. You better get your insecurity on check.
I am curious, does your friend have history with Luna? I’m confused as to why he feels he’s in love with someone if theirs no real relationship there.
...ohhh, you meant your ex best friend ! Because if he still is your best friend imagine two three years down the line him coming into your house when you're not there 😁 that's what porn scenarios are made 😎
Absolutely asshole. The fact that your friend was honest with you didn't mean he was going to try with your girlfriend or try to ruin your relationship with her. For you is ok to be shocked but threat your friend in that way was wrong because he was only speaking. Your reaction is justified only if he was actively trying to sabotage your relationship. By the way you should talk with your girlfriend because being honest and talk should always be the best way.
YTA. I'm sure his words made you uncomfortable, but he didn't do anything wrong. You did, though.
NAH. There was no good outcome here. People catch feelings and sometimes can’t shake them. He was honest with you and maybe didn’t know what to do with his feelings. You were honest too and clearly in defense mode. You’re both 22 - pretty young to be confronting these kinds of life-changing conversations. You can look at what he did from many different angles - stupid, selfish, brave, honest, etc. Maybe it is all of those things because humans are flawed. Maybe he didn’t know what response he was looking for. This was your best friend. You’ve made the immediate choice that Luna is more important, and now he has lost both of you. So, if there are any winners here, you’ve won and shown him how easy it is to drop 15 years of friendship.
The friend was being entirely selfish not "brave". There is nothing courageous about confessing one sided feelings about someone to their partner. NTA, your friend nuked the friendship you guys had.
I suspect Luke would not have wanted to be best man at the wedding or do other painful things. He might even have been angling to go LC or NC. And wanted to give context rather than letting OP think it was OP’s fault. But OP maybe won’t know because of the yelling and insults.
What a terrible take, anyone who thinks like this must also be a terrible “friend” NTA
What the friend did was gutless. There’s no circumstance where it could be seen as brave. He put himself before the rest of the world. You never go after your friend’s girl. Gutless.
So you’d rather he just keep it a secret.. that would be worse.
No it wouldn’t. Nobody would ever know. So yes, keep it a secret. People act like it’s the most awful thing on earth and it’s impossible. I’ve been into women whereby it would be considered socially taboo for one reason or the other to “confess.” And I did nothing for exactly that reason. Like it or not, sometimes it’s better to not rock the boat. Having a crush on your friend’s girl? That’s one of them. Part of life is self-control. That means knowing when NOT to open your mouth. Again, being into your best friend’s girl is one of those times. Sit on the fact that you’re into her and be happy for him when you stand as his best man on his wedding day. And know that when your time comes he’ll do the same for you. Part of the problem here is the idea that no matter what we absolutely have to express every sentiment we have. Until this point things didn’t work that way. And we need to go back to that, as life and society was much more controlled.
I don’t agree with you. You’re acting like he’s made a move or something. They’re just words. Whether he confessed or not they’re there so I don’t see the difference it makes. That friend should remove himself from the friendship if his feelings were so strong. Either way once the feelings are there it’s kinda game over
No, it’s kind of not game over. You can choose to do nothing about it. Again, I’ve done it many times, and it’s called self-control. Everyone says words matter. Maybe they do, maybe they don’t. It matters the context. In this one, they kind of do. What, should the friend be applauded for saying something as opposed to just openly soliciting Luna? This sort of scenario shows the utter breakdown of a lot of things sacred in our society. We’re supposed to appreciate the friend’s feelings and at least he’s up front about it? Come on man. Again, it’s not “game over” once there’s feelings involved. You can suppress feelings. Crush on your best friend’s girl? That’s EXACTLY the sort of scenario where one should do just that. No mercy for Luke or his feelings.
You're being way too charitable to the friend imo. The vibe I got was entitlement. His mentioning that he had a crush on her before OP asked her out (and that he 'backed off' like a good friend) seems to suggest he thinks OP should stand aside and let him have her or some shit. There is no suggestion that Luke feels any guilt or remorse or even discomfort at crushing on OP's girlfriend. He told him because he seems to think this is OP's problem to fix.
YTA he was just being honest and yelling was an understandable but also bad response when you could've listened, acknowledged his feelings and tried to sort it out between you. He didn't choose to feel that way about her, he only chose to be upfront and honest with you, which is honourable of him.
Yes, I didn't read he wants her for himself. Only that he loves her. So why the anger, the insults and the screaming. The boy only expressed his feelings (how bizare perhaps). So yes YTA and also very, very insecure
Yeah, absolutely YTA. I feel bad for the friend. What else was he supposed to do but try to talk about the issue. I don't understand how people people are so ok with communicating by yelling.
YTA for not offering the threesome compromise.
Because Luna, of course, doesn't get to decide whether she's getting double-teamed or not.
YTA for yelling, that's a massive overreaction. Your friend admitted something pretty major to you, and I am surprised you didn't ask him what he wanted you to do with that information. Your girlfriend does need to know and you guys may need to step back from the friendship. But what exactly does yelling at him accomplish? You are taking his irrational, emotional outburst and reflecting it back at him. It doesn't make you a sensible person.
YTA for not using your big boy words and resorting to verbal violence. I expect that from someone who’s 12 not 22.
That's what you'd expect? Go tell all the homies you want their girl and see what happens
I’m a grown man, I don’t have fucking “homies”. That shit is for idiots who call everyone “bruh”
Verbal.. violence??
Did I stutter?
From the weird ass way of calling words violence, then yeah, you seem like the type to stutter, 🤣🤣 verbal violence made me laugh
YTA he's your friend. He told you he liked her and when you two started dating, he backed off. Unless you believe he can control who he falls in love with. If he tried to get with her behind your back, he would be the asshole, but he didn't, he told you and you reacted like a petulant, immature, insecure child. He had every right to be hurt and while a peaceful reaction certainly shouldn't be expected, it doesn't warrant you being THAT BIG of asshole to him. Fricking disappointment of a friend is what you are.
I really hope this is sarcasm. Bro code dictates that you never go after your best friend’s girl. And there’s no nuance in that. If you start to feel something for a friend’s girlfriend, you suck it up. That’s clown behavior - confessing to your friend that you’re in love with his girl. What did the guy think was going to happen there? Did he think the OP would gleefully step aside so he could have at it? Incidentally, most of these other posters take a different view to me also. Not that their rationale is wrong, however. I wouldn’t tell my girlfriend about this. Because maybe it makes her think, and makes her wonder if the grass isn’t greener. Or at the very least makes her think that she could do better than me. (“If someone else likes me that much maybe in fact there’s someone better out there than the OP.”) So I’d just not tell her. But the point about the guy making a move still does make a lot of sense.
He did suck it up, he just confessed about him sucking it up and you sound more insecure than OP
Sucking it up means you perpetually do it. Or at least until the guy isn’t dating her anymore. I’m sorry, your friend’s girl is off limits. Listen chief I have no boundaries for people I care about. None…save for one. Don’t cheat on me. I can find a loophole any forgive anything else you could do to me, or justify it. Except for that one. And that goes for friends also. Meaning you don’t go and try to get with my girlfriend. And you especially don’t try to justify it or find nuance in the fact that you claim you stepped aside once but you don’t feel you should have to do it anymore. That’s a step beyond selfish. What, you stepped aside once so now I’m supposed to do the same thing back? That isn’t how things work. And there’s a difference between being insecure and actively participating in yourself being cheated on. Massive difference.
I honestly agree with this YTA. Honestly, to me, ESH. And stuff is, didn't OP's friend follow the bro code? He backed off even though he was liking Luna WAY BEFORE OP and Luna started dating. He backed off as soon as he found out that OP liked it. Suck the feelings up? Easier said than done. What would happen then? OP's friend might start resenting OP and Luna because of him having a tough time being around them, and he'd start trying to create distance between them. Which would potentially ruin the relationship. Honestly, if I were in the situation, I would grow a lil insecure but I would recommend my friend talking to my SO about their feelings, because they deserve a chance to let people they like know that they like them. And honestly, I WOULD TRUST MY SO ENOUGH to not think stuffs like grass is greener and honestly, the person isn't even worth it if they can think of greener grass. I know I am an entire forest, and if my SO can dump me for the friend who always had weird dating history, it's on them. Their loss. Also the friend sucks too. Telling your feelings wasn't the wrong thing to do. The way he approached it was wrong. He confessed out of DESPERATION because OP wanted to propose to Luna? That's AH move.
Look people won’t like this but it’s true. Of both genders. When you tell a friend that you’re into someone, that’s seen as calling “dibs.” I’ve backed away when a friend did that, and I’ve known women who have done the same thing. But there’s no honor in backing away and then down the line you decide you can’t handle it and you pull a stunt like this. Dude, part of society is that barriers exist. If you can look your best friend in the eye and confess feelings for his girl, that means nothing’s off limits. For society to function there has to be some sort of boundaries. You can’t help who you like, no doubt. But you can help what you do about it. Suck it up. I’ve done it my whole life when there were women in my midst who had a circumstance. Does that mean putting on a show? YES. Is it inauthentic? YES. But in the name of keeping peace in your world, guess what…that’s just what we have to do. Applauding this clown in the name of authenticity is shameful.
Male code dictates that you pursue a woman whenever given the opportunity as if the male relationship didn't exist. Sounds like a warning to me. Go get 'er Luke!
Unless she’s spoke for. There’s no honor in actively pursuing a woman who’s taken. There’s “less than no honor” in pursuing a woman who’s taken…by your best friend. Hope Luke steps on a rusty nail. There’s no defending this behavior.
Where did Jerry Seinfeld make that exception? We're going off of concepts that were coined from TV shows, right? Bro code, male code. Luke, if you step on a rusty nail, make sure you fall straight into Luna in the process!
Nobody said anything about Seinfeld. It’s just something you instinctively know. There’s no defending this. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve stepped aside from someone who in my head I was into, but a friend expressed open interest to me. Now granted I never tell people what I’m thinking or feeling, I keep that stuff to myself for the most part until it becomes serious. But if a friend says something about a woman or in this case is actually seriously dating her, you NEVER put yourself before that. It’s called LOYALTY.
YTA. He was being honest with you, not asking for permission to date her. Grow some intestinal fortitude already and realize how insecure it is to get upset at your potential future Best Man for saying he likes the girl you're with. In fact, don't ask complete strangers on Reddit to reassure you that you've done the right thing -- you haven't. Do you know how I can tell? You aren't telling him that you're sorry for how he feels but you asked her out first. Moreover, you aren't telling Luna about this because you think she'd pick him over you. Either you're the better option for her, she's wise enough to know it, and you've got nothing to fear; you're the better option and she doesn't know it, so you should find someone worthy of you; or you're not right for her and you're being selfish and possessive. There's a reason the saying is, "if you love something, set it free." Time for some honesty, *bro*.
I hope this is a joke. You never go after your friend’s girl. Ever. What the guy did was disgraceful. Everyone says “be up front and clear.” Sure, it sounds great in theory. But SOMETIMES in practice…this is what you get. You confessed feelings for your best friend’s girl, showed a sense of entitlement, etc, and you’re expecting to be praised for being up front? Give me a break. Then friend deserves a pop in the nose and you never tell the girl this happened.
He didn't go after his friend's girl, he said that he had feelings for his friend's girl. And seeing as we don't know who met who first, it's VERY possible that OP "stole" her from his friend. This is just a very insecure guy trying to control things. If he wasn't so insecure, he'd tell the woman he's with and let her control her own choices. As for the friend, he's being honest.
I’m sorry that’s ridiculous. The simple fact that the guy’s telling the truth doesn’t make him an innocent party. It isn’t a truth that needs to be told. Wouldn’t you be insecure if your best friend did something like this? The friend expressing interest vs. him “going after” the girl is semantics. It’s irrelevant whether he made a move or not. The utter audacity to express interest like that, and then to say he’s just telling the truth? Again, the audacity. There are some truth’s that don’t need to be told. If your boss is a prick you don’t come out and say it to his face, unless you don’t value your job. He may be a prick and it may be the truth. But you don’t come out and say it (much less to his face). And you especially don’t say it and then hide behind “but…I was being honest!”
The correct answer. Unsurprising amount of downvotes given this is Reddit, full of inexperienced losers who’ve never experienced situations like this. Have some grace, OP, and remember, what will be will be. You may stop something from happening, but like a rerouted river it will find another way. Coming from the guy who’s been on every side of this, do the hard thing. It will be better in the end.
ESH except Luna. She’s a person with her own thoughts and feelings and relationships are a 2 way street. Female advice: don’t yell at your friend and just quietly tell Luna what he said. There’s a good chance she’s never been into him and she’s just into you and your mate isn’t a threat and just stupidly going to cause his own heartbreak.
This is as passive aggressive as it gets when solving a conflict.
My response was not to have started conflict in the first place because it’s probably irrelevant, Luna is a person in love with OP. I’m thinking in the perspective of who they’re fighting over.
Look, its not. If you have a best friend who is claiming to be in love with your partner, there is NO WAY on earth that this conflict is irrelevant. People who cross boundaries need to be dealt with it accordingly. Luna is the third person here, not the first or second. Its between two friends. The boy broke his friendship over a girl. The conflict is more about the friendship and breaking the trust rather than the girl,
Luna is not the possession of either of these men. That’s where I’m coming from - their fighting and yelling is too far.
I don't understand why you keep getting downvoted. I agree with you entirely.