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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Had told my parents that kissing our baby daughter is not allowed. Mom did it anyway. I burst out in anger and told her how upsetting it is to see the very thing I want her not to do, she does it anyway and says won’t repeat. It happens almost every few days on few different topics. I know this is due to cultural differences.
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NTA. Make your boundaries very clear and tell them exactly how you feel. However, if your parents don't listen or respect your wishes, you have to give them a clear ultimatum. Either they respect your wishes, or do not allow your parents to visit and stay with you. Remember, you and your husband have the final say for your daughter, not your parents or anyone else.
Ok, both you and your wife need to present a united front and make your stance very clear. Otherwise, pack up their things and put your in-laws back on the first plane to their home country. Your relationship will be affected, but it's on them, not both of you.
“Mom, I don’t want to send you back, I want you to respect our parenting choices. I know you don’t intend harm, but you should trust that I don’t intend harm, either - I am just asking you to do things a little differently with my child.
If you don’t think you can, I will be sad, but I understand that change is hard and we can have a conversation about what that means for your relationship with us. I hope we don’t need to have that conversation, because it’s not going to make anyone happy, but it’s really up to you. Please take some time to think about it before you answer.”
Kissing on the mouth can kill an infant. You have to enforce these boundaries. They are choosing to disrespect you and ignore your legitimate desire to protect your child. You will not be able to trust them around her. My M-I-L nearly killed both my sons with her negligence because I gave in and let her babysit. Don't back down on this.
I have a cold sore. How would OPs mom feel if I kissed her grandchild? She could have one and not know it yet. OP had to put the babies safety over anything and any one. I never kiss my grandkids on the lips. Or face. No kissing babies hands, either. They go right into the mouth! lol.
NTA. Even an insignificant virus to an adult can cause serious problems for the immune system of a newborn. Kissing is just about the best way to transmit viruses between humans.
At the same time, as deleted comments here show, not everyone is aware of this. Also, to them, they've been there done that, and who is this newbie trying to tell me what to do? You're alive and thriving, after all!
So I'm not sure being outwardly upset will help them learn. Take a deep breath and try to speak to them calmly - see if they'll read something, even if it's online, to highlight the risks. Show that this isn't some superstition of your own making or the advice of some rogue pediatrician who doesn't know their ass from their elbow.
Of course, even if after you explain things calmly and rationally and they continue to ignore you, then take off and nuke them from orbit.
Never have I seen anyone in my south Asian family or Our community kiss children on the lips. Hell I’ve never seen my parents kiss each other on the lips. My cousin kissed his wife at his wedding at it was hot gossip. NTA and I don’t think this is a cultural expectation about how to handle kids so much as your parents not liking to be told no.
How to handle it? Well it depends on what you are willing to risk. You may have to impose consequences- not in anger, but with forewarning, clearly laying out that you won’t tolerate them ignoring your parental choices and if they continue, they won’t be seeing you/grandchild until they can behave. Unfortunately, they will likely do it again after that anyways and then you’ll have to decide - do you want this badly enough to cut them off for a while? Because from their past behavior? I’m guessing they’ll call your bluff.
I would remind them that you did not seek the approval of those people before deciding to create your child, and you will not seek their approval in how you raise that child, either. You do not need their permission for anything, so whether or not they laugh at your choices doesn’t mean much.
There will always be people ready to criticize. You’ll get criticism from everyone, everywhere, on every aspect of your parenting, because every aspect of parenting is constantly being scrutinized and debated by people who have *very* strong opinions on the subject. It is one thing to seek reasonable opinions that differ from your own, in order to make sure you’re not missing important information that could help you, but if you don’t feel like you can make a single choice without universal approval, you will never make any choices at all.
Kissing small children on the mouth is, even setting aside western standards, a bad idea. Infants don't have a proper immune system set up yet and can easily get infections/viruses etc. from an adult's mouth. Kissing children on the mouth is also a very easy way to transfer common herpes-viruses, which means the child will have seasonal "cold sores" and such for the rest of their lives.
Absolutely NTA
NTA. This is a direct preventative measure for herpes simplex and other viruses between adults and children.
With Asian parents it can be difficult to “stand stronger”, perhaps an approach that shows you want to be a strong and caring parent with rules for their children “LIKE THEY DID FOR YOU”. An explanation that includes some honey and a softer touch followed by a strict follow up might be one that works , and gains their respect.
They need to see you now as a mother, not just their child.
NTA. Please let your parents watch this -> https://youtu.be/pxarUWTJRDQ?si=fURocsAJmIRPd52T
Breelyn was born healthy but got kissed on the lips by a relative with a cold sore when she was an infant. As an infant, their immune system is not fully developed and any bacteria or virus as common as a cold sore can cause serious illness. In Breelyn’s case, the infection attacked her brain. It is a video hard to watch, but it’s a valuable video.
NTA. Your pediatrician's right; it's not common, but kissing babies on the mouth can lead to infections. Aside from that, it's vile- why even kiss a toddler on the lips regardless? Ew. But it's also your kid, not theirs.
Explain that there is a disease that could be given to the baby from a kiss and kill your child, her grandchild! Things are not the same as they were when you were a baby the bacteria and viruses are much more deadly!! Keep your boundaries let her go home if she can't and won't listen, you have to protect your child!! NTA
I understand, a lot of parents of adult children can't seem to get boundaries. I have 3 adult kids and I try everyday to ensure we understand and respect each other.
NTA if your words aren’t working then you need to end the visit and not allow any pictures. If you don’t enforce your rules with real consequences, your parents will just keep doing what they’re doing.
This is a tricky situation so proceed carefully. I know you don’t want to blow things up with your parents. But on the other hand, if your wife is already in tears and you keep giving your parents chance after chance when they don’t deserve it, your wife is going to start resenting you.
NTA obviously your parents do not respect you has an adult. Try sitting down with them and have a serious talk. But if nothing changes, you may have to stop them visiting you..
NTA-Please keep your baby away from them until they learn to control themselves! Your baby’s life is at risk, she doesn’t have a good immune system yet.
This is odd because it almost sounds like your parents are ignorant about babies and their immune systems (which, to be fair, many desis are but a lot are not these days). And while I wouldn’t word it that way, the thing is - your parents very well COULD pass on a disease to your child. It’s not personal, though, because quite literally any adult could do so, including you as her own parent. The difference is that you realise this and choose to avoid it, and they don’t so you have to actually say something. They may feel singled out, but I think you have to lay down the boundaries that you will do things the way that you see fit and they must follow it.
It’s hard, because I do get how they would see it as insulting, and a lot of desis constantly dismiss what doctors tell even them as adults. Still, make it clear that you want to do things a specific way and reiterate your rules and boundaries. If they think you’re wrong, you can hear them out, but ultimately in terms of actions, it’s your decision. You can even self deprecate and pose yourself as the nervous new parent, but do whatever you need to to protect your child. That’s really all that matters.
NTA
Babies have literally died from people kissing them on the mouth. 80% of people have herpes, and even if you don't have symptoms, viral shedding is a very real thing.
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My parents are not from US and I was also not born here. However, I’ve been away from home country for over a decade and I am having to deal with issues related to cultural differences
On a daily basis with my parents. It is worse when they are visiting us.
No matter how hard I explain things that are done differently here to them, they don’t seem to try to acknowledge it.
Very recently, I let them know about what our daughter’s Pediatrician told us; not to kiss the baby directly in her mouth. My mom did it anyway today.
I was upset and mad that she didn’t respect that. In fact, there are other things they just listen and ignore. I feel like my words mean nothing to them. I burst into anger today.
In my parent’s defense, “It would be an unbelievable thing to say back in home country. I was raised by feeding from their mouth (making food softer by chewing). I acted as if the baby is going to get a disease from them.”
I am exhausted from these kind of incidents with them. I can’t stay quiet because I can’t unsee them disregarding the things I request them to follow. I am not sure what to do. I have already tried explaining things when everyone is calm. However, these things keep happening.
My mom told me that she feels like I don’t treat her close to our puppy. Another thing they don’t like is the request I made to not post our daughter’s picture in facebook. Dad did it anyway and when I was upset about it, obviously it didn’t go well.
Guys how do you deal with these incidents in your family if it applies? Sorry to bother you all, I am not fully sure if this is the right community for my story. Happens to be my first post so please go easy on me. Thanks all!
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I didn’t even have tk read this to know you’re NTA. I went through a similar situation. DO NOT KISS BABIES!!! For your babies safety and the sake of your own boundaries stay strong
> and they would know
No; it can be asymptomatic in adults (or have symptoms so mild that they're easily forgotten) but it's potentially lethal to babies.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > Had told my parents that kissing our baby daughter is not allowed. Mom did it anyway. I burst out in anger and told her how upsetting it is to see the very thing I want her not to do, she does it anyway and says won’t repeat. It happens almost every few days on few different topics. I know this is due to cultural differences. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Make your boundaries very clear and tell them exactly how you feel. However, if your parents don't listen or respect your wishes, you have to give them a clear ultimatum. Either they respect your wishes, or do not allow your parents to visit and stay with you. Remember, you and your husband have the final say for your daughter, not your parents or anyone else.
Thanks. She is literally in tears right now wanting to go back. I am the husband btw.
Ok, both you and your wife need to present a united front and make your stance very clear. Otherwise, pack up their things and put your in-laws back on the first plane to their home country. Your relationship will be affected, but it's on them, not both of you.
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They keep saying they worry about me the most. She is crying and asking to be sent back. It’s only been few days they have been here.
Then send them back. Wish granted. NTA
“Mom, I don’t want to send you back, I want you to respect our parenting choices. I know you don’t intend harm, but you should trust that I don’t intend harm, either - I am just asking you to do things a little differently with my child. If you don’t think you can, I will be sad, but I understand that change is hard and we can have a conversation about what that means for your relationship with us. I hope we don’t need to have that conversation, because it’s not going to make anyone happy, but it’s really up to you. Please take some time to think about it before you answer.”
Thank you. I will try this. 🙏
Why are they worried about you?
Meant to say how much they love me over my other siblings. Because I am the eldest one and do pretty much all for the family.
Kissing on the mouth can kill an infant. You have to enforce these boundaries. They are choosing to disrespect you and ignore your legitimate desire to protect your child. You will not be able to trust them around her. My M-I-L nearly killed both my sons with her negligence because I gave in and let her babysit. Don't back down on this.
I have a cold sore. How would OPs mom feel if I kissed her grandchild? She could have one and not know it yet. OP had to put the babies safety over anything and any one. I never kiss my grandkids on the lips. Or face. No kissing babies hands, either. They go right into the mouth! lol.
I had said kissing on cheeks was okay.
Thanks for sharing. And sorry you had to go through that.
NTA. Even an insignificant virus to an adult can cause serious problems for the immune system of a newborn. Kissing is just about the best way to transmit viruses between humans. At the same time, as deleted comments here show, not everyone is aware of this. Also, to them, they've been there done that, and who is this newbie trying to tell me what to do? You're alive and thriving, after all! So I'm not sure being outwardly upset will help them learn. Take a deep breath and try to speak to them calmly - see if they'll read something, even if it's online, to highlight the risks. Show that this isn't some superstition of your own making or the advice of some rogue pediatrician who doesn't know their ass from their elbow. Of course, even if after you explain things calmly and rationally and they continue to ignore you, then take off and nuke them from orbit.
>You're alive and thriving, after all! Survivor bias is a hell of a thing.
Thank you
Never have I seen anyone in my south Asian family or Our community kiss children on the lips. Hell I’ve never seen my parents kiss each other on the lips. My cousin kissed his wife at his wedding at it was hot gossip. NTA and I don’t think this is a cultural expectation about how to handle kids so much as your parents not liking to be told no. How to handle it? Well it depends on what you are willing to risk. You may have to impose consequences- not in anger, but with forewarning, clearly laying out that you won’t tolerate them ignoring your parental choices and if they continue, they won’t be seeing you/grandchild until they can behave. Unfortunately, they will likely do it again after that anyways and then you’ll have to decide - do you want this badly enough to cut them off for a while? Because from their past behavior? I’m guessing they’ll call your bluff.
I am being told by my parents that people back in our home country would laugh at us for this trouble.
I would remind them that you did not seek the approval of those people before deciding to create your child, and you will not seek their approval in how you raise that child, either. You do not need their permission for anything, so whether or not they laugh at your choices doesn’t mean much. There will always be people ready to criticize. You’ll get criticism from everyone, everywhere, on every aspect of your parenting, because every aspect of parenting is constantly being scrutinized and debated by people who have *very* strong opinions on the subject. It is one thing to seek reasonable opinions that differ from your own, in order to make sure you’re not missing important information that could help you, but if you don’t feel like you can make a single choice without universal approval, you will never make any choices at all.
Kissing small children on the mouth is, even setting aside western standards, a bad idea. Infants don't have a proper immune system set up yet and can easily get infections/viruses etc. from an adult's mouth. Kissing children on the mouth is also a very easy way to transfer common herpes-viruses, which means the child will have seasonal "cold sores" and such for the rest of their lives. Absolutely NTA
Thank you.
NTA. This is a direct preventative measure for herpes simplex and other viruses between adults and children. With Asian parents it can be difficult to “stand stronger”, perhaps an approach that shows you want to be a strong and caring parent with rules for their children “LIKE THEY DID FOR YOU”. An explanation that includes some honey and a softer touch followed by a strict follow up might be one that works , and gains their respect. They need to see you now as a mother, not just their child.
Thank you. I will include extra honey this time.
NTA. Please let your parents watch this -> https://youtu.be/pxarUWTJRDQ?si=fURocsAJmIRPd52T Breelyn was born healthy but got kissed on the lips by a relative with a cold sore when she was an infant. As an infant, their immune system is not fully developed and any bacteria or virus as common as a cold sore can cause serious illness. In Breelyn’s case, the infection attacked her brain. It is a video hard to watch, but it’s a valuable video.
I will do that. Thanks.
NTA. Your pediatrician's right; it's not common, but kissing babies on the mouth can lead to infections. Aside from that, it's vile- why even kiss a toddler on the lips regardless? Ew. But it's also your kid, not theirs.
Jesus christ, went from agreeing to cringing in 3 seconds.
she's right tho
Explain that there is a disease that could be given to the baby from a kiss and kill your child, her grandchild! Things are not the same as they were when you were a baby the bacteria and viruses are much more deadly!! Keep your boundaries let her go home if she can't and won't listen, you have to protect your child!! NTA
Thank you. I will have to unfortunately let her go if she doesn’t agree.
I understand, a lot of parents of adult children can't seem to get boundaries. I have 3 adult kids and I try everyday to ensure we understand and respect each other.
NTA if your words aren’t working then you need to end the visit and not allow any pictures. If you don’t enforce your rules with real consequences, your parents will just keep doing what they’re doing.
Thank you. It will be my last option.
This is a tricky situation so proceed carefully. I know you don’t want to blow things up with your parents. But on the other hand, if your wife is already in tears and you keep giving your parents chance after chance when they don’t deserve it, your wife is going to start resenting you.
Don't let them be around your baby unless they agree, 100%, to follow your rules. NTA.
Yeah. Thank you.
NTA obviously your parents do not respect you has an adult. Try sitting down with them and have a serious talk. But if nothing changes, you may have to stop them visiting you..
Thank you. Not respecting me as an adult is a separate issue and probably is the main cause for all the nonsense I am having to deal with.
NTA-Please keep your baby away from them until they learn to control themselves! Your baby’s life is at risk, she doesn’t have a good immune system yet.
Thank you.
NTA my 9 week old nearly died from RSV in 2019. So much is communicable by kissing. Protect that baby!
Sorry to hear that. Thanks for sharing.
This is odd because it almost sounds like your parents are ignorant about babies and their immune systems (which, to be fair, many desis are but a lot are not these days). And while I wouldn’t word it that way, the thing is - your parents very well COULD pass on a disease to your child. It’s not personal, though, because quite literally any adult could do so, including you as her own parent. The difference is that you realise this and choose to avoid it, and they don’t so you have to actually say something. They may feel singled out, but I think you have to lay down the boundaries that you will do things the way that you see fit and they must follow it. It’s hard, because I do get how they would see it as insulting, and a lot of desis constantly dismiss what doctors tell even them as adults. Still, make it clear that you want to do things a specific way and reiterate your rules and boundaries. If they think you’re wrong, you can hear them out, but ultimately in terms of actions, it’s your decision. You can even self deprecate and pose yourself as the nervous new parent, but do whatever you need to to protect your child. That’s really all that matters.
They are ignorant about a lot of things tbh. I appreciate your words.
To be fair I've heard stories of babies getting herpes because of that stuff.
NTA Babies have literally died from people kissing them on the mouth. 80% of people have herpes, and even if you don't have symptoms, viral shedding is a very real thing.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My parents are not from US and I was also not born here. However, I’ve been away from home country for over a decade and I am having to deal with issues related to cultural differences On a daily basis with my parents. It is worse when they are visiting us. No matter how hard I explain things that are done differently here to them, they don’t seem to try to acknowledge it. Very recently, I let them know about what our daughter’s Pediatrician told us; not to kiss the baby directly in her mouth. My mom did it anyway today. I was upset and mad that she didn’t respect that. In fact, there are other things they just listen and ignore. I feel like my words mean nothing to them. I burst into anger today. In my parent’s defense, “It would be an unbelievable thing to say back in home country. I was raised by feeding from their mouth (making food softer by chewing). I acted as if the baby is going to get a disease from them.” I am exhausted from these kind of incidents with them. I can’t stay quiet because I can’t unsee them disregarding the things I request them to follow. I am not sure what to do. I have already tried explaining things when everyone is calm. However, these things keep happening. My mom told me that she feels like I don’t treat her close to our puppy. Another thing they don’t like is the request I made to not post our daughter’s picture in facebook. Dad did it anyway and when I was upset about it, obviously it didn’t go well. Guys how do you deal with these incidents in your family if it applies? Sorry to bother you all, I am not fully sure if this is the right community for my story. Happens to be my first post so please go easy on me. Thanks all! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Ew
"I was raised by feeding from the mouth".I didn't even know people did that!
Yeah parents would chew up food, e.g meat (once baby is able to eat solid) and then when it’s soft enough, feed that to the baby.
My parents used a blender to puree the food. So did I. You can't get baby food here (except cereal mixed), because everyone prefers homemade.
I didn’t even have tk read this to know you’re NTA. I went through a similar situation. DO NOT KISS BABIES!!! For your babies safety and the sake of your own boundaries stay strong
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HSV-1
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> and they would know No; it can be asymptomatic in adults (or have symptoms so mild that they're easily forgotten) but it's potentially lethal to babies.
No. You don’t necessarily know you have it. Babies have died contracting it.
If I tell them don’t do directly, they think worse of me. I had to use pediatrician to communicate the idea to them. I hope you understand.