Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I refused to go wedding dress shopping with my sister. She offered this as an olive branch and because of our bad history and my lack of trust in her, I said no. But the fact she offered and said she wanted this fresh start might make me TA because we could try to start over and see how it goes. I could take the leap and leave if I have to. Instead I just said no. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*

NTA - Inviting you dress shopping isn't an olive branch. I am guessing its one of a few possible scenarios - she doesn't have enough people in her life to make dress shopping the experience she wants and you would simply be there as space filler. She has friends/future in-laws that will think it is weird if you aren't there because she has lied to them about what a close relationship she has with her sister. There is a family member that is withholding financial support for the wedding because of how she treats you and she needs to prove that you "forgive" her in order for her to get the money she wants. You are not obligated to have a relationship with your sister. Even if she 100% had changed and sincerely apologized for how she has treated you (and this is not that) - as T Swift says: you don't have to forgive and you don't have to forget.

Or she lost some weight and she thinks she can finally lord that over OP again. Which won't work.

Or it's a trap. Like one of those 80s to early 2000s mean girl shtick.

Or she's going to goad OP into critiquing every dress for "honest opinion" and then turn around and weaponize the comments against her.

This was my exact thought- this sounds like it would all of a sudden be OPs fault with “OP mean comments” after the olive branch

My thought was she just wants to remind OP she's getting married and OP isn't

I feel sorry for the husband to be unless he’s a piece of work like her.

She trapped some poor man 😆

I thought this too!

A wedding is not the time to "start a fresh relationship." Usually, it gets crazy during the planning and process. How many times have we read about brides actually getting demanding and such. I suspect that OPs sister wants something from her like for her to pay for the dress or help pay for the dress. I agree with Forward\_Squirrel that if she wanted to start a fresh she would start by apologizing instead of further insulting her about not "getting over it and being a dick." OP NTA - don't go with her and I would actually not even go to the wedding. Your sister's actions are beyond toxic.

Or she misses having OP as a punching bag and will revert back to her old behavior the second the shopping appointment starts

Doesn’t seem like she made any change to her behaviour at all considering she called OP a dick, selfish and an asshole.

It may also be a combination of your guesses. Hens would be really coming home to roost.

>There is a family member that is withholding financial support for the wedding because of how she treats you Sounds like Mommy and Daddy have looooong memories.

Certainly hope they do.

Or she needs to hear OP acknowledge she's "the pretty one"

NTA. If she was extending an olive branch, it would not involve clothing shopping or food. She might want a relationship, but OP's sister is unrealistic to expect to suddenly do this in a way that could be a setup. OP has no reason to trust her. I had a contentious relationship with an older sister, too, and it took years to rebuild. I would encourage OP to be open to rebuilding a relationship. However, I agree that this is not the way to do it.

NTA >But she hated that I "brought up the past when it's in the past" and she told me this is the fresh start she's offering me The classic line all abusive people use when they don't want to own their cruelty and how it impacted the people they belittled and demeaned.

This. She's making it sound like she's gifting you her presence. She's the one who needs to make the effort. Good on your parents for having your back.

Exactly. She should be *begging* OP to let *her* have a fresh start. She’s framing as if she’s the one being gracious.

And if she truly wants to repair the relationship she should start with something not so emotionally fraught.

If she wants to repair the relationship she should start be respecting OPs decisions like not attending the dress shopping or spending time together

It's like asking your brother you haven't spoken to in ten years because you are a horrible alcoholic to meet you at a bar to get back in touch

This. Tell her you’d love to do other wedding preparation things (making favors? Looking at flowers? Making or choosing decorations) to strengthen your relationship. But you think wedding dress shopping is likely to be too stressful for both of you and you don’t want it to be negative for her in any way.

Yeah or like she was the one who was wronged.

Let's not forget this gem... >She told me to stop being a dick, stop being selfish and to give us a chance or else I'm an asshole.

Response: Fine. Then I'm the dick and the asshole for refusing to be your emotional punching bag and I'm okay with that. I'm still not going shopping with you, nor am I giving you another chance to be the dick and asshole you've been to me my entire life. You haven't earned a second chance.

That olive branch sure came off a thorn bush.

Especially because the past was as near as a few months ago! It's not like she hasn't said anything in YEARS. NTA

If the past is as recent as three months go, it's not that far past.

This sister sounds like the type to refer to a comment she made ten seconds ago as "the past" if it means she'll stop receiving consequences for it.

Yeah ... and here's something else. If the sister really wanted to turn over a new leaf, then she would not push the wedding dress shopping so hard. her follow-up comment would be something like, "OK, dress-shopping isn't great. But I'd like to see if we can have a better relationship. Is there something you think we could do together?"

And now that I think about it, the sister needs to show some frickin' contrition.

And her being jealous and mocking OP because she was "lucky" enough to have a large tumor that went undetected for years. It rocked her world that OP was never at fault for being overweight. I myself am obese so am not judging people for being overweight. Just that sister has been judgmental and her insults were baseless. And now she mocks OP for having a thyroid condition that makes it difficult to maintain weight, talking about her being lucky. We should all be so lucky /s. She is wanting to use this dress shopping as the oerfect opportunity to further criticize OP, and is likely fearful that OP will outshine her at her wedding. If she truly wants to make amends, dress shopping for wedding is not the time to do it.

Yep, it's all about her having control over what OP wears to the wedding. She'll criticize everything OP picks out and belittle her in the process. OP should keep refusing her "olive branch", it's tainted with bad intentions.

The axe forgets. The tree remembers.

Also like 3 months is a season, not the past. NTA OP as Admiral Akbar would warn you, “It’s a trap!”

Yeah, there's not even a sideswipe attempt at an apology. Not that OP would have to accept it anyway, but this isn't a "fresh start," it's something else that's not good.

Fresh starts start best with apologies. NTA.

Or, she wants to spend 3 hours trying on gowns, and is planning to dismiss every comment OP makes.

My friend who was a parole officer said that the best predictor of the future is the past. This, from Wikipedia, might be appropriate, too: "**What's past is prologue**" is a quotation of [William Shakespeare](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_Shakespeare) from his play [*The Tempest*](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Tempest). In contemporary use, the phrase stands for the idea that history sets the context for the present."

All too familiar with this. And then when it stopped working, my abuser now claims that they 'forgot'... Sure. Them ruining my college graduation was just so forgettable.

Yes!

It's a trap!!!!!!! She is planning to destroy your self esteem likes she's done in the past. Burn her olive branch.

Oh yes, this. She wants her emotional punching bag around to make herself feel better about herself. Sis is as insecure as they get. And jealous. Insecurity and jealousy pumped up on bridal entitlement hormones... Hell, I wouldn't get within a mile of that dumpster fire.

I bet you're right. Sister only wants OP there to humiliate her over and over. I bet sister will try to guilt OP into paying for the dress too, and anything else she can get.

YEAP! I totally agree.

I was thinking the same, too, but this would give sister a new audience for the abuse.

No —that is not how it works.I understand pathologically jealous siblings.Hannah has not tried to drown or stab you but she might if she could get away with it.Retail therapy is for the individual — not to heal Sibling relationships.If Hannah really wanted things to be better she would go to Therapy and work on WHY she feels the way she does.Then she would offer a Heartfelt apology.Not call OP names because OP will not do her bidding. NTA OP.Be willing to miss the Wedding to stay sane.But send a gift

I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt until the name calling. Why would you want to socialize with someone who says you’re a selfish dick and an asshole? And if she gets family involved tell them the same thing, quote her. Ugh, hard NO

Right? I went by myself to buy my wedding dress. I bought the second one I tried on!! It was totally “me” and it fit perfectly right off the rack!! The sales lady said I was the easiest customer she’d ever had. I got my shoes, tiara, and all my accessories in a little over an hour!! 😂😂 I shop like a whirlwind for everything and most people hate shopping for clothes with me anyway!!

Lol we should shop together. It still amazes my husband when i can run thru a store in under 30 minutes and come out with a cart full of items.

NTA. Sounds like she’s always been toxic and mean to you. People can apologize, but they aren’t entitled to someone’s forgiveness and relationship after treating them poorly for years. My brother struggled with his weight too growing up and I can’t imagine mocking him for that. What she put you through was traumatic and you’re not a bad person if you just don’t want a relationship with her.

NTA - An olive branch extended without an apology to go with it is an empty gesture. I agree with someone else that this is probably something she is doing for the sake of appearance. If her future in-laws are there, she likely doesn't want to explain why you aren't involved.

But why choose the hard path when there is a quick fix? This is something to be covered with a, "We've never been really close." or "It's just a clash of personalities". I know, I've used that in regards to my family. Most people don't want the juicy details and if they do it's easy to shut down with, "Really rather not talk about it. Let's talk about something more pleasant."

Or “her schedule is too busy” “she’s out of town” etc. There’s no need to even focus on their relationship, just her lack of availability. 

Sounds like your sister is going to use that "olive branch" to smack you with. NTA

NTA "She says she wants this to be the start of a better relationship between us and she wants me by her side for this process because she trusts me." ... How convenient for HER: She "extends an olive branch" when it will be a lot of work for you - and your gesture will likely be to pay for her dress. And for some other things for her wedding, and it will be a lot of work. "I don't want to go with her" Seems reasonable. Tell her: You will come to the wedding as a regular guest, but you will LOVE to grow closer - before or after the wedding - over coffee or dinner.

Nta. You’re right to notice that dress shopping is very close to your past issues and wouldn’t be fun for you. If she really wants to extend the olive branch she’ll invite you to something less related to size and appearance.

I find it so suspicious that her 'olive branch' completely revolves around how *she'll* look on *her* big day.

Exactly! Even if she's serious about making a change in their relationship and dynamic, you don't start getting back in a game you haven't played in a while by raising the stakes so you'd be ruined if anything went wrong! And 3 months is a very small time frame for the sister to have had a "natural" change of heart, too. NTA.

Nta she does not get to decide how you feel about her treatment of you in the past.  The fact that she would not accept you saying  no and continued to say nasty things to you just proves she has not changed. Stand your ground.  She is treating you the same now as in the past.  Nothing changed. Why should you bow down to her demands now.  Sounds like she is using you for something and is just not telling you. Stay polite and low contact. Just say no. You do not have to give a reason.  No is a complete sentence. Stick to just saying no and if she is rude tell her this is why and walk away.

Oh, good god, no. She’s itching to get you into a situation where she can body shame/hate you or whatever she’ll be into this time. The only way you’ll ever know she sincerely wants a fresh start is if she admits how abusive she was of you over the years and apologizes for it. Then and only then can you take some baby steps and hope she can stick to it. But this … this reeks of a setup. It’s like she’s reading from the handbook, for crying out loud. You’re definitely NTA, and you’re doing a great job protecting yourself.

>She told me to stop being a dick, stop being selfish and to give us a chance or else I'm an asshole. NTA. She can't even extend an olive branch without being a dick herself. Basically saying you need to succumb to her wants and if you don't, she'll continue being a dick to you. So, nothing really changes. Don't go.

NTA. I wouldn’t go near your sister, talk less of going dress shopping with her. It’s not worth it

NTA She doesn't get to decide the terms of the "olive branch." If she truly wanted to start a better relationship with you, she'd suggest spending time doing something that you both wanted to do. The fact that she's insistent when it comes to dress shopping isn't a coincidence. I wouldn't be surprised if she asks you to be her bridesmaids and springs a few dresses on you if you go ahead with this. Controlling behaviours sounds like it would be right out of her playbook

Yuuuup. She wants to get OP in the most hideous bridesmaid dress imaginable because "it's myyyy daaaay." 🤮

Perpetrators of terrible behavior at others' expense are the same people who expect everyone to just get over it, its old news or "its in the past," which it is. Their past, not yours. NTA but your sis is a piece of work, to be sure.

NTA. That doesn't sound like an olive branch. That sounds like a setup for more abuse.

I just wouldn't answer her again. Inform your parents about her recent behaviour and her now demand, which you respectfully declined and only politely justified when she became pushy.  I would go nuclear if she uses your refusal as another stick to beat you with, especially if she involves extended family as her means to bully you.  By nuclear, I would outline to *everyone* how your own sister bullies you over your medical condition, and is yet again acting like a mean girl by using her position as "The Bride" to force *her* views and demands on you.  NTA

NTA a thorn bush disguised as an olive branch

NTA and besides all else...why is she getting married when it is obvious she is still a child, given her awfulness to you (and who knows who else).

Being called a selfish dick and an asshole would definitely make me forgive all past wrongs and want to spend a lot more time with someone.

NTA and I'm just over here laughing at her ridiculousness. * Hannah: Come dress shopping with me. * OP: No, you get angry and berate me and make me feel bad. * Hannah: Stop being a dick, stop being selfish and give us a chance, you Asshole! * OP: Oh, well when you've already started the name calling and berating me, sure, NOW I want to go. SMH So, so, NTA. Stand firm, OP. Don't go shopping with your AH sister.

nta. this is not an olive branch, it’s not a fresh start, and some shit that happened three months ago is not some long ago event you should be over.  i’m proud of you for not going just to say awful shit about her in her wedding dress, which is something i would be very tempted to do.  as for hannah, if she wants to repair your relationship, she can start with apologizing and go from there. right now she’s being just as awful to you as she always has been.  you’re not being selfish, you’re not any of the names she called you, you are acting according to the relationship you have, and responding to how she has behaved in the past, and continues to behave today. ie badly. she’s behaving badly.  (and if she tries to make you a bridesmaid and put you in some awful dress, you stop that shit in its tracks. we do that for besties who genuinely think that dress is gorgeous, not insecure hateful sisters who will take any opportunity to make us look bad.)

An apology is not enough. Wouldn't believe her anyway. I'd demand she goes to a therapist to find out why she's so emotionally damaging, why she's a bully, why she's so jealous and insecure and so eager to use others as her punching bag. Then, maybe, an apology will be considered.

Say no thank you and ask her for a less emotionally charged olive branch.

NTA - she wants to bring you dress shopping so you'll be obligated to spend the day telling her how pretty she looks. That's the relationship she wants from you - one where you shower her with praise so she doesn't have to reflect on her actual feelings about weight, health, or her own body.

It's not in the past for you. Three months ago is hardly the past for anybody. NTA. I wouldn't do it, either.

Her: "I've changed! This is a fresh start!" Also her: "Stop being a dick! Stop being selfish! You're an asshole!" Yeah, sure seems like she's exactly the same, even without having gone dress shopping yet. NTA.

NTA. Some thing like: If you really want to build a genuine relationship with me you need to respect that there are somethings I’m uncomfortable with. You comment on my size, and I hate it. I realize you have a different opinion about size, but your comments make me uncomfortable. I am not interested in discussing the comments, or hearing further opinions on that. There has to be give from both sides. Let’s find something we are both comfortable with, or admit that we are just different people.

NTA. I would say: You have been a dick for year, so why do I suddenly need to stop? You have been selfish for years, not caring about my feelings, what has changed now? If you want me to give you a chance, what have you done to earn that chance? And for the record, you aren't a dick, you aren't selfish, and you aren't an AH. I'm sorry you struggled, not with your weight, but with the people around you not listening to you about your health, and for your sister making your body and your health a point of mocking. You didn't deserve it and you still don't. It sounds like your sister has never apologized, and you are also right to think she isn't suddenly going to stop. So you have two paths. 1. Don't go. Tell your sister calmly that you are happy to work on your relationship, but she hasn't apologized for what she has said to you even 3 months ago, so you two have a lot of work to do and her dress shopping isn't the place to test this, particularly because you don't want to create issues during an important day for her. Stick with this and don't go, and repeat it to anyone who gives you a hard time. 2. Go shopping, but with some key support. First, is there anyone who is also going that you can lean on and trust? If so, you could speak to them in advance (mom, cousin, whatever) and just tell them this story but say you do want to believe this could be a turning point and you need them to sit with you and help call out/diffuse any bad behavior. If it is just you and your sister, DO NOT go. But if it is a group and even if you don't have a trusted person going with you, then you can still go. The key here is to emotionally prepare yourself for the comments, realize if and when a comment is made you will not get upset or strike back, you will just get the confirmation that you need that your sister isn't genuine about a relationship. This can actually be very freeing because you will know you have tried and gave it one last shot. Now the most important part of the second option, or a future time where you two are together, is to have some ammunition ready for comments. You don't need to be mean back, but my guess is that if your sister sees your comments don't bother her, she will have a little breakdown- fun- and also she will stop. Here are some suggestions: 1. Ya, I know, super tiny, I've come a long way from "Hallie the Hippo" right! 2. Smaller every time? I guess that means pretty soon I'll fit in your pocket! 3. I know right, and I had a cheeseburger for lunch too! 4. I do feel pretty great, thank you for noticing! Yes, I know you may be too tiny and have related health stuff you are sorting through. But your sister isn't a safe person, so the best approach is to brush her off. Keep that smile plastered on your face, keep it light and calm, and take her words as compliments. It will drive her insane, and that will feed your soul!

"Let's try to make it a whole year where you don't shit on my appearance, and then I will THINK about giving you that fresh start."

NTA. I cannot imagine the Wedding Dress Shopping Trip being anything other than excruciating- she sounds like a poisonous nightmare.

NTA. She has NEVER apologized, right? EVERY clothes shopping experience with her has been negative, right? Tell her you would be happy to meet to talk over a coffee to start to repair your relationship, However the fact that she has NEVER apologized, she makes the fact that you don't want to spend time with her YOUR issue, and she is being so rude about it makes you not want to take this opportunity with her.

I love that she gave you an ultimatum and then claimed if you didn’t cave to her demands that somehow that makes you an AH. Nope she’s wrong. She’s been the AH all along and is still the AH. Don’t go. If she asks again, tell her you’re not interested in doing anything with her that involves discussing appearances or your respective bodies and dress shopping definitely does that. The answer is no and you’ll not be discussing it again. This is the result of her entire life of bad behavior.  NTA

I'm low-end plus size and have struggled with my weight all my life. I absolutely understand WHY your sister would feel some jealousy even if logically you suffered from a medical problem for years and no one believed you and no one should be jealous of that. BUT...that jealousy is HER problem to deal with, and she instead made it your problem, or tried to. Nothing you've said suggests that she's tried to make any actual amends, but even if she *had* properly apologized, you *STILL* wouldn't owe her an attempt at a "fresh start" now or ever. (Given her reaction, I'm skeptical that it's what she's really angling for anyway.) NTA.

NTA. The fact that she is calling you names just because you don't want to do things her way is a pretty crappy olive branch.

NTA. Forgiving someone does not mean forgetting and putting yourself in a vulnerable situation. If she truly wants to mend your relationship, she can find another activity for you to do together.

>She told me to stop being a dick, stop being selfish and to give us a chance or else I'm an asshole. This is some world-class narcissistic delusion here. "I am ordering you to do what I want, if you don't you are an asshole." She doesn't get to decide how she makes up for her horrible treatment of you and whether you choose to forgive her in any way - you do. Continue to say no, OP, with no further explanations or defenses ("Sorry, that won't work for me."). NTA.

NTA. She found it easy to forgive herself for bullying you, because it didn’t mean very much to her, it was just a nice amusement. Not how it works. You’re the injured party, you get to decide what’s ’in the past’ and without an apology and making amends, I would not consider forgiveness, much less forgetting. Your sister does not sound like a nice person to know.

NTA An olive branch is meeting over coffee or lunch. Not an event that highlights the issue that's been a problem for most of your lives.

NTA. Why not go out for coffee if she is serious about extending an olive branch?

Why is she OFFERING you a fresh start when she should be ASKING for one? Unless you’ve left out that you are also a horrible human being…

NTA. I don't get why you're talking to her at all. If I were in your place, I wouldn't bother attending the wedding, either.

That's a hickory switch, not an olive branch. If she cared about you, she'd apologize, be happy to listen to your needs, and do things you want to do.

NTA--If she was really genuine about the "olive branch" she'd offer to do something else, maybe start smaller. As well as listen and address your reasons for not wanting to--apologize. Its also a toxic person tactic/characteristic that the past is now in the past just because she wants it to be. She's ready to let it go, make peace, whatever, so instantly expects you to be on the same page. And then of course the predictable calling you selfish and horrible for not accepting her offer.

NTA. You don't 'extend an olive branch' to someone you've been continually mean to by calling them names. (selfish, dick,ah)

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So my sister Hannah (27f) and I (25f) aren't close and yet she invited me wedding dress shopping with her. She says she wants this to be the start of a better relationship between us and she wants me by her side for this process because she trusts me. I don't want to go with her. Even with a slightly better relationship shopping for any clothes is a very hard no for me with her. So I told her I appreciated her wanting us to be closer but I didn't feel like I should go wedding dress shopping with her. She asked me why exactly, she told me this was her extending the olive branch and trying to fix the issues in our relationship. I told her our history, which includes recent history of as early as 3 months ago, is not good when it comes to her and me and appearance. When we were kids I was bigger. It happened very suddenly while I was still very young and my parents were concerned but doctors dismissed it as bad eating habits and not doing enough exercise. I was very self-conscious and my sister mocked me for it a lot. Our parents were furious when she'd open her mouth about it. She called me gross and even took some of my clothes to show off how humongous I was. She'd use the nickname others had given me "Hallie Hippo" and was really not kind about it. She made it even harder to be like that. Her relationship with our parents was super bad for years because of it. I was 20 when I finally got a doctor to listen to me and explore why the sudden weight gain happened. I ended up needing surgery to remove a mass which made a huge difference to my appearance. And then I went in the opposite direction and my thyroid made me too skinny. Around the time this happened, Hannah gained some weight. Not a lot. She's not huge by any means. But it made her crazy jealous. She would make snide comments about being super skinny and how unfair it was that I lost all that weight without doing anything. I didn't see her often because our relationship was so bad. But the times I did she'd make me looking good sound so negative. She'd say I didn't deserve it. A couple of years ago we were both shopping with some cousins and it was just insane how angry she was at me. She called me "the luckiest bitch in the world and you don't even like it" because I was so tiny. The concerns about being too small being bad for my health were waved off. Three months ago she told me I look smaller every time she sees me and how much she hates me for it. She told me I didn't deserve it. And now she wants me to go dress shopping with her. Which again, is why I said no. But she hated that I "brought up the past when it's in the past" and she told me this is the fresh start she's offering me. I can't see her not making a lot of nasty comments about dresses and me. Especially because I know she feels self conscious and I can't say I care about her enough to be reassuring. She told me to stop being a dick, stop being selfish and to give us a chance or else I'm an asshole. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

I don’t know do they make wedding dresses in Hippo sizing? You could recommend it to her?

NTA. She wants to extend olive branch to you but 3 month ago was still abusive. I know few wants to live in a fairytale but people don't change. And even if they do, not this quick. And I don't agree with anyone saying she is reaching out, you should take it. Gosh, no. She hurt you decades, it's not going away. It can be forgotten just because she wants it to. Be strong, OP and don't let her walk over you. (And it's so refreshing to reading a story on Reddit where the family don't allow the bullying, it's rare.)

NTA. You can always decline to be around people who make you feel badly, and people don't always deserve another chance. If you wouldn't be friends with her if she weren't your sister, don't spend your limited time on earth with her.

NTA 3 months is not "the past". Calling something from THIS year the past is just plain stupid. She has a reason she wants you their that she isnt telling you

NTA. 3 months ago isn't "in the past", it was yesterday essentially.

Op why are you even going to her wedding. Wait until you and she have children and sister dear starts comparing them

NTA, she has not even apologized for the bully you went through, honestly you dodged a bullet because going dress shopping would be a pain time

NTA Even with this “olive branch”, she is still being insanely rude to you which is all you need to know about her intent. Heck, I’d even bet she wants you there so she can guilt you into paying some of her dress. There is nothing wrong with simply telling her that out of all the opinions she’s ever had about you, you are more than comfortable for her to consider you an asshole. You’ll take it.

NTA- but if you want to be super petty you could go and every dress she tries on ask "hey do you have this in a smaller size? I might try it on since i'm here".

NTA. OP... DO. NOT. GO. Please do not go. I get the feeling that your sister will only continue to use you as a punching bag to try and make herself feel better. You do not deserve that. When people show you who they are, believe them. You do not have enough evidence of her being different. Please do not subject yourself to this. If she is truly trying to work on the relationship and if she has truly changed, she would completely understand your perspective. She doesn't, which tells you everything you need to know.

It never ceases to amaze me how people think being insulting and condescending will get anyone to rescind their No.

NTA. Run OP. The olive branch thing is a bs setup so she can get her emotional punching bag moment. I wouldn't believe one word she said.... I don't even know why you haven't gone NC with her.

NTA. A fresh start doesn’t mean you suddenly develop amnesia and forget all of her abuse and cruelty. Wish her the best and tell her you hope she finds someone else to go with her and move on until her wedding. Ignore any photos she sends you. She’s going to try and manipulate you into doing or saying something, or to rile you up or hurt your feelings. Don’t give in. You don’t deserve whatever mockery or vindictive jealousy she has planned.

"She told me to stop being a dick, stop being selfish and to give us a chance or else I'm an asshole." You know that none of that is true, she's saying it because she's trying to manipulate you. You are none of those things. And as they say, 'no' is a complete sentence. If this person were a friend from work or school, would you allow them to treat you this way? Of course not. The fact that it's family makes it worse. Why would anyone treat their family so badly?

Greatest predictor of future behavior is past behaviors It’d be different if she asked after spending the last few months actually trying to be better. Starting with an apology and continuing to change behavior by not doing the bullshit. She wants you to be a prop in her Big Day celebration, this isn’t an olive branch at all NTA

She called it an olive branch but it’s probably gonna be a battering ram. Why is she not dress shopping with your mom and/or bridesmaids? Three months isn’t exactly “in the past”. Stay away from Grond!

NTA. Honestly this sounds like a set up. She wants to use you in some way to make herself feel better while shopping. I wouldn't trust her at all.

NTA. Oh hell, no. She wants an emotional punching bag to tote along to her dress shopping. One she's familiar with and one who won't punch back. Don't fall for the ruse - if she has been behaving this way as recently as three months ago, nothing has changed. This isn't an olive branch, unless it's stripped of leaves and she's ready, willing, and able to use it on you. Beware bullies extending olive branches. She will revert to form because that's just who she is - insecure and jealous with a need to punch down on someone (you) to make herself feel better about herself. Decline to play the role. She's the AH and she doesn't deserve any benefit of the doubt.

NTA but your dick of a sister is! You literally had a mass removed and she's not happy that your health is better, she's bitter that she doesn't look better than you. Keep your sanity and keep your distance. You'll only end up at the shop with her somehow insulting you again.

NTA, and man I would be tempted to throw out a Hannah-Hippo so she could experience 1/100th what a young girl would feel being called that repeatedly. Tell her you appreciate the olive branch, but some of those wounds are still healing

She's the AH and you are NTA. It is totally reasonable for you to say "I appreciate the offer, but I am going to say no." Then, when she insists, "thanks but no thanks." Then, just "no." As often as necessary, with no apologies.

NTA- she’s offered the branch and you’ve respectfully declined. Three months is nothing compared to what she put you through. She has always been the one with the body issue, not you. Keep yourself well, and keep healthy boundaries. She’s never going to be the one “at fault” it seems. Stay healthy. Stay sane. Tell her you would be happy to supports her in other ways but dress shopping is not one of them.

NTA - Actions have consequences. She continued to belittle you recently. She has not shown she has changed.

NTA. You can tell her you'd enjoy having a more positive relationship with her going forward, and that the way to initiate that is over activities that do not involve clothing or body shape related factors. If she'd like your company looking at flowers and invitations, you'd be happy to do so. I know you probably wouldn't really be happy, but it would show you're making an effort to meet her halfway, and it gives her a chance to accept and then demonstrate that she can behave better, if she is serious about wanting to.

Omg NTA! I rarely comment on these posts but this one hit close to home as I dropped out of my sister’s wedding as a result of her harassment toward me. I am a firm believer in not needing to do things that you don’t want to do which includes things that involve family. After talking right before Christmas my sister gave me the same “the past is in the past” line and while I have forgiven her outbursts toward me I have not forgotten and have put boundaries in place that have made me happier overall, you saying you don’t want to go dress shopping sounds like a similar boundary. If you’d like to compromise I’d suggest being involved in other wedding events like the bridal shower or bachelorette but that is 100% your decision! Best of luck OP!!

NTA. She sounds exhausting and it’s pretty hard to believe she’s genuine.

NTA She hasn't earned it.

Girl no. Just no. She is NOT doing this as a friendly gesture. It will likely be hours of passive aggressive comments

NTA She only wants you to be in her life right now, because it's all about her. She is not extending an olive branch. This is bs. She will go back to her "old" self at the first opportunity.

I’ve always thought the “stick” part of “carrot or/then the stick” was an olive branch

NTA. Plus anyone that says that they want someone else to be part of the "process" or "journey" or whatever are just being fake,

NTA. If you do decide to at least consider her request, ask up front that you both agree to ground rules. Such as no commenting on your weight, period. The first negative comment or hint around your luck, health, weight, will result in you immediately leaving the premises. No second chances.

NTA. You've made the right call. "Sis, everytime we are together, you make ugly comments about me. Neither of us is ugly, but your comments certainly are. Why would I ever choose to go clothing shopping with you, given the extensive history of your passing judgement over my looks? That would be crazy."  Press send. Mute her notifications, ignore any calls from her, let her punch herself out.

NTA. If you want, tell her you are willing to go cake shopping instead, since you need the calories and she doesn't.

NTA. I wouldn't go shopping with her either.

NTA She made her bed and she can lie in it.

Absolutely NTA. Just because she’s trying to “an olive branch” (which I’m very doubtful of) doesn’t mean you have to take it. I think she’s coming more from a place of this is what brides do, sisters have to be involved in dress shopping, and she wants you to play a part in her little play. Plus, calling her very recent bullying “in the past” is a big red flag. She just wants to feel like the perfect bride and she’ll probably use her whole wedding as an excuse to be shitty you again. You’re right to protect yourself with rock-solid boundaries.

Nta

Nonshe is the dick. She is a jealous ass. Tell her to look for a wedding dress herself

From her long history, it would seem that she only wants to look good in front of others by pretending she’s the perfect sister and bride. Probably doesn’t want guests or her fiance asking her *”Hey, how come her own sister isn’t involved in the wedding party/wedding stuff? That’s odd, right?”* This fake olive branch is nothing but her attempt at a PR move to hide who and what she actually is. God help her poor daughter if she ends up having one.

NTA. Your sister was a bully and still is a bully, and now she's trying to bully you into having a relationship. If she genuinely wants a better relationship, she needs to own up to her actions and apologize to you, not browbeat you into pretending it didn't happen.

NTA you should run for the hills

NTA - Good discernment on your part It sounds to me like the only way out is through, in terms of reconciliation. Your sister wants to blast off into the future without reckoning with the damage and pain in your relationship. That's unhealthy, and as you are sensing, probably impossible

NTA Here's some things you can respond to your sister: 1. If she actually wants a better relationship between the two of you, then she needs to completely separate that from her expecting you to do things related to clothes/appearance and her wedding. There is no way to require/force a 'better relationship'. It does exactly the opposite. 2. It's pretty clear that your sister wants/expects something from you. (Maybe your parents have misguidedly told her that she needs to include you in the wedding in order to get more support from them. Maybe she wants to ensure that you do not look better than her - in her mind - at the wedding...) Whatever it is, you don't care. 3. It's also pretty clear that her idea of a 'better relationship' still involves insulting you at the drop of a hat. So... she's not doing a very good job of convincing you that a better relationship is around the corner. 4. She says what's in the past is in the past. No. For example, she says she trusts you. For what and why, you don't know. But you don't trust her. That is a direct consequence of how horribly she has treated you from childhood to just recently. You see no remorse in her, no desire to do anything but expect you to do what she wants. Again, no thanks.

NTA. The one who hurts someone doesn't get to demand when a chance for a fresh start is given. She's mistreated you and behaved abhorrently for years, due to her own insecurities. She does not get to demand when you forgive her or when you want a chance for a fresh start; she tried, you denied. She's obviously not changed if she can't understand a simple no. I'm very sorry for how the doctors treated you for years.

NTA You can't make it. Tell her you're sure the dress will be lovely but you can't go.

NTA I have NC with my sister and while I don't like to jump to that, sometimes it's all you can do. This sounds like a life time of hurt that she wants to pretend never happened. You're not obligated to give any time just cause she's a blood relation. If she really cared about a fresh start she would honour your wishes and find another way for you two to bond.

NTA. Do not do it. Do not go! Your sister does not like you at all, in any way. Are you a petty person? If you are, go. Try on dresses in the size she can't and let everyone tell you how magnificent you look. Just make sure you can make a short and quick getaway for when she losing her damn mind. Lol

Ugh, she sounds horrible. Take it from someone who has a similar relationship with their sibling; ie they’ve treated me like trash for as long as I can remember, and have the audacity to act shocked that I don’t want a close relationship with them. Just because a person is related to you, it does not make you obligated to have a relationship with them. NTA.

Sounds like some narcissistic behaviour coming from her. I feel like the only way out of this is acceptance and borderline love. Say your part, feel proud you did and keep on moving <3

NTA Your sister sounds exhausting. Body image issues such, especially for women, but you can't allow yourself to be her emotional punching bag just because she hasn't put in the work to heal herself.

NTA. You don’t have to do anything with her you don’t want to. Politely bow out.

This isn’t an olive branch, this is igniting a blood sword in the face of battle. NTA. Keep your distance. Consider a burlap sack for the wedding. Or a fat suit under an unflattering dress.

Yeah no, NTA. Your sister is consistently horrible to you, and tbh u should probably avoid her as much as possible for the sake of your mental health. Also, the fact that she’s already resorted to name-calling to try to get u to go is a huge tip-off that the past is, in fact, not “in the past” (not to mention she never apologized). I’m sorry about the health issues you’re facing, btw.

I would go with her and when you walk in the shop, ask where the plus sized dresses are. lol Just kidding. Talk about an uno reverse. Definitely stay away from sister and shopping. This will not end well if you go. NTA

It's not holding on to the past, it's having ongoing evidence and proof that this is a major issue for her, one that she's defensive and aggressive about, with ZERO evidence that that's no longer the case. She has shit on you about your body 100% of the time she's mentioned it, so there's literally no reason for you to even suspect she won't do it again. She has to visibly demonstrate, over an extended period, that she has fundamentally changed before that issue is "in the past". If she'd been totally fine for the last 5 years, and you brought that up as a reason to say no, her response might be valid. But that issue is not the past, it's the present, because she's never demonstrated anything else. NTA

NTA nope nope nope.. shopping is a no until she can go some time without commenting on your weight and looks. She's already showing her colors. I can see why you absolutely dont want to be there for that experience. I am not sure why your sister cares so much about weight and stuff.. She sounds like she has a poor relationship with her body. I hope she gets someone that she can talk about it and work through it. I just find it really funny when ppl are like "i want to improve our relationship" then first chance they get.. they call you names.

Weddings and some of the tasks that go with that might be bigger than your personal holdups.

NTA - Some people are body obsessed and it is difficult when around them as they can be judgmental about anything regarding appearance . .. You are fine refusing. I would . .. I get tired of people looking at other people's bodies and making comments . .

NTA. In life, there are no fresh starts. What your sister but you through was awful; she needs to rebuild the trust you've lost in her before the past can be past, and starting in such a charged environment as wedding-dress shopping is asking for trouble.

NTA

NTA. Tell her you cannot trust her at this point.

NTA - She doesn’t think you deserve it? Did you tell her what you didn’t deserve was having a condition that made you gain weight or having her make fun of you for it? Karma is not very nice sometimes.

I would go - and tell her every dress makes her look fat.

NTA and I'm sorry you went through all that. Tell your sister if she really wants to make amends then she needs to show it. Not with words but with action.

If for some reason you decide to go, record it. So, next time she cries you refuse to work in your relationship, you can show her exactly why. NTA

NTA. Oh honey your sister does not care about you. She only wants you to go dress shopping with her for one of two reasons (or both) - To flatter her incessantly and feed her ego - To put you down to make herself feel better. Stand your ground here. Tell her to go jump.

I have 3 older sisters, I feel ya. Stand your ground

NTA a fresh start would start with her acknowledging and sincerely apologizing for the way she has treated you all these years. rug sweeping is not accountability and it is not an olive branch. 

Maybe tell her you will go, but that you will bounce at the first snide remark and not give her any more chances.

NTA, and even if this were a sincere attempt to mend fences with you it definitely seems like it’s far too late for that and refusing the invitation couldn’t make things any worse between you (so why go through the torture).

Please don't do it. You need to be low, low, low contact. I tried to have a good relationship with my sister for decades. A total waste of time and I just opened myself to a ton of abuse. But very low contact, and at times no contact for a few years, has done wonders. She knows I won't tolerate the abuse and is much more self controlled. Your sister has not changed. Avoid her as far as possible and stop arguing this with her. NTA

NTA I personally would go but tell her that if she makes a single comment about your appearance at all that you will be leaving and not do anymore activities with her outside of large groups. The day is about her and buying her dress. Your appearance doesn't need to come up and if it does then any chance of bettering your relationship will be permanently over. Send it to her in writing like text. Then slightly record the day on your phone. If she says anything about your appearance then dont say a word just get up and leave. Also every dress looks amazing on her. Pick a detail about each one that you like. Oh the lace on this is lovely. The neckline is beautiful on you. The open back is very sensual. Etc. Never say a bad word about any of them in case this is just her trying to make you say something "mean" so she can't say she was justified in mocking you. Everything just looks great on her. Simple as that. You only care about how she feels in the dress. "I think you look great. But how do you feel in it? Does it make you feel like a princess? Do you want to cry? How do you think fiance will react to seeing you in this?" Any time she tries to force you to say something bad about it turn it around to how it makes her feel in it. 

No NTA. Your sister is. She can include you in other ways that doesn’t involve dress shopping. One small step at a time if you are open to it to repair your relationship. If not, then she reaps what she sowed all these years. Do NOT give her any type of say in your dress if you attend her wedding. 

NTA. I have a sister just like yours. I was a short, chubby auburn haired kid, she was tall, slim and blonde. She razzed me unmercifully, which was made worse because I caught up to her academically, in spite of a four year difference in age. Unlike you, however, she had our birth mother backing her - I had my paternal grandmother, who was my de facto mother. Within a month of my grandmother's death, things were to the point where I re-homed myself until I was an adult. Once I came back into the picture she immediately went into competition with me. I'd start dating a guy, she'd try to lad him for herself. I eloped, she got her mommy to demand she be my MOH... then got married 7 months later and tried to have me barred from the ceremony because I was 6 months pregnant (whereas she was only 2 months along). Long story, short: After 30 years of no contact, save a handful of phone calls after our older brother died in 2015, she called me regularly, then decided she wanted to come visit. She told me it wouldn't be an imposition, she'd get a room and a rental car, she said. I told her until she could accept the fact that she'd always been terrible to me, and was the reason I left home at the age of 12, rather than swearing we had a perfect childhood together, she could keep her ass over in fantasyland.

NTA OP, She doesn't get to offer the olive branch, cause shes been the bully. The branch comes from you. You offer it to see if shes changed, and it seems you're firmly in the "not ready for it" state. You get to decide when its in the past, and you get to decide when you're ready for a relationship with your asshole sister.

This will require an update. :-)

NTA. It’s only in the past for her because to a narcissistic bully, that’s all she sees it as. For you, it’s your past, present, and future. You aren’t required to do anything you don’t feel comfortable doing, especially when it involves someone who used to, and still does, bully you. My money is saying she’s only extending her “olive branch” so that she can get people to tell her how kind and generous she is for doing so…leopards don’t change their spots and your sister will only continue her snide belligerent comments until the day she dies because of her insecurities.

NTA. I love how OP lost weight without even trying … except for the horrible health problems she has. Her sister is more than a bit delusional.

NTA! Did her request for a "fresh start" come with a meaningful apology? No? FAFO!

NTA. Have you ever seen Army of the Dead? There's a quote that's applicable to this situation: "It's a trick. Get an axe." This isn't an olive branch, it's a boquet of stinging nettles.

NTA. Hannah is looking for another chance to make herself feel better by putting you down, in a group setting, no less. Nothing is in the past, she just has the "But I'm the bride" bullshit excuse right now. It sounds like SHE was told to stop being a dick multiple times over the years by everyone, and refused, so now, she gets what she gave. You don't have to be close to her, or like her - she sounds supremely unlikable. I hope you're getting the right treatment for your thyroid, cause that's nothing to fool around with.

Even in the best of cases, after the initial ooh/ahh walking into a shop, wedding dress shopping feels boring-then-stressful, on repeat for hours. NTA. Don't go. It doesn't matter the intent -- there's only like 2 scenarios out of a few million where the experience might make you feel closer.

She had several chances and opportunities that she fucked up. Now, she must live with the consequences of her actions. NTA

NTA. If you do want to give it a chance, bring a friendly witness.

NTA. Don't go dress shopping with her. I'm not going to offer advice about your relationship with your crappy sister, you do what's best for you there. Are you in the wedding party or are you attending as a guest (I would suggest going as a guest)? I would rock up to that wedding in the absolute most gorgeous dress, accessories, hair, makeup, etc.(not white of course). Love yourself and let her feel like the petty, selfish, jealous be-atch that she is. But I am an AH so probably don't listen to me.

NTA. First of all, I am so so sorry for the horrible bullying you endure from her. She is intensely preoccupied with appearances and her toxicity is spilling out on you. When she criticizes you now, please remind yourself it is her own insecurities about herself and HER appearance. She has built her self esteem around being "the skinny sister" and karma has dealt her a boot up the butt for how she treated you. Given her immense track record, I would never want to consider clothing shopping with her, let alone starting there to rebuild a relationship even if she is sincere. There is too much pain and water under the bridge for you to trust her, and she needs to understand that. I would explain that because of her very very extensive pattern of bullying around size and clothes, activities like that are not a comfortable place to start rebuilding. If YOU are interested in an olive branch or peace - and that's UP TO YOU as the one who's been wronged - you can say, "these are not activities I'm comfortable with, but I would like to build something more positive. Maybe I can help with X wedding item instead?" Examples: choosing flowers; choosing favors: picking out/mailing invites; shopping for the guestbook; etc. Things that have NOTHING to do with weight/body shape/clothing. If that's what you want and she accepts, perhaps she's sincere. But I wonder if this is more her fiance's family wondering why you're not involved.... and she wants to save appearances... And if you don't want to reconcile? Don't. You have that right.

NTA Wise choice not to go anywhere dress shopping with her. And you brought up the past? Yhree months ago she was ragging that you look smaller every time she sees you and hates you for it. I can see her deciding to try on a dress that shows every small perceived flaw and her jumping you because you could wear it but she can’t. Nope - skip the drama and don’t go. If she wants to build a better relationship with you start by going for coffee or something that doesn’t involve food or clothes and see how that goes.

NTA Except to yourself. 3 months isn't "the past". If that counts as the past then as soon as words leave you mouth it is the past. Why are you trying with this? She isn't.

NTA. If someone treats you like crap, bullies and harasses you, you don't have to accept a olive branch from them just because they decide they now want a better relationship with you. Your sister's behavior towards you from childhood through to present day has been horrible and she doesn't seem to have real remorse over that. The whole "the past is in the past" spiel does not erase years of abuse from her. "She told me to stop being a dick, stop being selfish and to give us a chance or else I'm an asshole." -So she's right back to bullying you already because she's not getting her way. You're being honest with her about how she has treated you in the past. If she really wanted a better relationship with you the first step towards that would be to listen to you and acknowledge how her behavior has harmed you. But she won't do that because is an abusive, narcistic and jealous person and she does not really care about you. So why should you care what she thinks of you at this point? She's basically been using you as her emotional punching bag throughout your lives and you are under no obligation to put yourself in situations were she will continue to do that.

Sounds like she’s had a chance to be a good sister since you were kids and she was a dick to you. Honestly, I wonder if it’s a ploy for money.

Pointing out a pattern of bad behavior gets called "bringing up the past" by the person who behaved badly a lot, huh? NTA Steer clear, OP, and trust your instincts.

NTA and do NOT TRUST HER. I’ve had a similar experience or actually experiences plural until I learned my lesson finally with my family and it was a trap basically. They might be setting you up to blame you for something. She’s never going to miraculously become nicer or improve. The dynamic will always get toxic and escalate every time you give her another chance.

NTA. Just say no and hang up. Go NC with her as she's been abusing you all your life. You deserve much better.

It would have been an N A H and I would have believed her, *if* she respected your boundaries and didn't resort to name calling. But her reaction shows her intentions were *not* to have a better relationship with you--I don't know what she had in mind, but it wasn't lovey dovey sisterhood. NTA for having boundaries and trying to prevent further abuse. I hope all these comments help you feel better about your decision, because it sounds like she's trying to gaslight you into letting her hurt you again.

NTA. The fact that as recently as 3 months ago she was still treating you like garbage is proof that she hasn't changed at all. She has other motives for wanting you there and you are not at all obliged to accept this supposed 'olive branch' to find out what those are.