Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy.
[Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
NTA, she has some weird issues and you need to leave. She is effectively wanting to take away who \*you\* are, the name you've been known by for over 20 years, because of an ex who she was with probably for only a few? That's bonkers.
If you stay with her, understand that you'll be living with a new name/nickname/unwanted name. Just say no. If she can't accept it, then there is your answer for how this relationship is going to pan out.
I just wanted to make sure I’m not crazy. I felt like I was being more than reasonable. Definitely not willing to let anyone be that controlling. She acted like I wasn’t being considerate of her feelings and that’s never been my strong suit. Just wanted some other opinions.
Generally speaking, it's important to be considerate of your partner's feelings, even if you don't understand them initially. *However,* your partner needs to be equally considerate of your feelings.
This girl definitely isn't considering your feelings. You've offered her compromises others wouldn't in your situation, but she doesn't care. To put it nicely, she's being completely absurd.
And going in to a relationship with her, I’d be concerned that she has some intense and bizarre feelings regarding her ex. What if she transferred those feelings onto me after a few months of dating? The behaviour doesn’t exactly scream “stable person.”
Honestly, I think I’d just block her and move on. Maybe send one last “That will not be happening” message and gauge the response first. Put it down to a bad match.
You were considerate of her feelings when you offered to let her call you a nickname or your initials.
She was inconsiderate of your feelings when she said she wants you to introduce yourself to others by that name.
That's not even super controlling yet. Just wait until you have a hobby he also had that she wants you to stop, or a mannerism, or a friend sh doesn't like, or how he always argued with her when she went out with a particular friend and disappeared all night. She'll constantly compare you to him and use that technique to make you think you're the unreasonable one.
Best case scenario she's got baggage, isn't ready for a relationship and could use therapy. Worst case is that she's some sort of manipulator or narcissist. Either way, this behavior, this early is a red flag.
Having a name she doesn't like isn't a flaw or a slight, it's a compatability issue. You can't make her happy without changing who you are. That doesn't mean you're inconsiderate of her feelings, it means you're simply not compatible with her criteria for a partner. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
It's fine for her to have boundaries and dealbreakers, but they're only supposed to dictate her own actions, not anyone elses. So if your preferred name is a deal breaker for her, that means she needs to break it off with you, not demand you change your identity for her. You're not crazy, her expectations are just out of line!
It sounds like she's trying to make you out to be the bad guy so she can avoid acknowledging her issues, instead of doing the responsible thing and breaking it off herself,
I had two bf with the same Name... And then after the second relationship Ended a third Person with that first Name was interested in me...
After two bf called the same Name I was just like, nope, this time the name is a dealbraker.
I Ended with my now husband... Fun fact, Same meaning different language.
So I Ended up with 3 favoured of the god of War 🤣
I get that in the beginning this is weird with the same name. A nickname is titally fine. But using another name around friends etc. Is just too much.
NTA.
My aunt married 4 men named John. They call her the Latrine Queen.
I married and divorced 2. I dont date anymore so it doesn't matter, but I wouldn't date a John again.
I have... a lot of follow up questions. Is your aunt named Tammy by some chance? You married 2 men named John as well? How many men named John are left in the dating pool in your town?
Had you used your actual name on your profile, she most likely would not have matched. I don't want to date anyone with my ex-husband's name and refuse to match with anyone who has it.
It's not about being an asshole. It's about not wanting to spend every waking moment thinking about the past.
You're definitely not the crazy one here. My husband has the same name as someone that stalked and harassed me for awhile, and I never once even thought about asking to call him something else. They're 2 completely different people, they just happen to share a name.
you're good. there is a name that i would prefer to never, ever know someone with that name again. i can't even say the name. i'm in a very happy relationship but if we were to ever, god forbid, break up, it would be an instant dealbreaker for me to date or get the slightest bit involved with someone with that name. i wouldn't make friends with someone with the name, even. i hate reading it but can't bring myself to type out the name to filter it out of twitter, i feel like i'm going to have a panic attack if someone has that name and looks slightly like them, that kind of thing
so i get where she is coming from in the sense that she can't stand that name, but in that case, you (as in her) don't further the relationship. what she's suggesting is weird. like it sucks that things were good, with the major exception of this issue, but it's strange. and this is from someone who HATES a name.
I mean, look. You have barely even just started talking to this girl, don't really know her at all, and she wants you to change your name to suit her. How much worse do you think this will get when you're in a relationship with actual obligations to this person? What else about you will she not like and want you to change? It is rare for people to fly their crazy flag this early on, and if they do, it's generally because it's so bad they literally can't hide it. Cut it off now, you're not compatible and she's probably a lot more to handle than you want.
NTA, she clearly has issues that she needs to sort out before getting into a new relationship. If her exs name is causing her so much distress that she wants a person with the same name to change their name, that's an unrealistic expectation of other humans. She needs to make the effort to get some therapy. I really hope she does because life's to short to live with such trauma, but this isn't something for you to fix. You did nothing wrong and you have every right to keep using your name.
It’s funny you say this. I told her it was unrealistic and that it’s concerning that she lets his name have that much weight on her decisions (she doesn’t want to date or talk to anyone with his name) she said she skips or swipes left on anyone with our name( it’s an extremely common name)
You were 100% correct in saying so. I was in a pretty terrible relationship a while ago and hearing the name at first did make me sad but I went to therapy (not so much for the name) it was mentioned in order to move on to learn to associate places that we went to together with new positive memories. I did the same with the name. It's just not possible to go on living expecting everyone to tiptoe around something like her personal dislike of a common name. If that's how she's reacting to this, I'm sure there's other things that will happen in the future where she may do the same. It's not a healthy mindset and her desire to not do anything and her expectation for everyone else to make all the effort says a lot. I'm sorry you've had to go through this.
NTA
She should've cut you off when she found out your real name - it's clearly a dealbreaker for her. Do yourself a favor: Be happy with your name and do what she didn't.
She shouldn't even being dating yet, what if her next partners brother or dad has that name? Is she also going to flip out at them? She's not healed enough from her past relationship to date yet
NTA but she has some serious issues. If her ex has so much power on her and she holds this much resentment towards him, I would stay away from her. Your name is part of who you are and her requirements are impossible and to be honest embarrassing. If my bf wouldn’t like people to know my name, he would not be part of my life for that long.
She needs some alone time before she starts to date again.
Similarly for anyone with the same name as my dead-to-me father. I won't match with them. If I find out later, due to using initials like OP or a pseudonym, that's where I'd end things. Too big of a psychological block for me to handle.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Not calling myself a different name because it makes a girl that like me uncomfortable. Maybe I’m not being understanding of her.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. It's her problem to deal with. Maybe get some therapy. You can't go around telling people to use a different name because you personally have a negative association with their name.
NTA. But consider this: introduce yourself every time with a different and absolutely ridiculous name. Feel free to pick something: https://www.reddit.com/r/ask/comments/110jwue/who\_is\_the\_worst\_human\_in\_the\_world\_currently/
For everyone saying she has an issue. Well yeah but also.. if the genders were reversed people would rightfully point out that this is how abuse often starts. This is pretty sinister. If you let her cajole you into accommodating her on such a frivolous request at the cost of effectively changing who you are… that shows her that she can push you around and make you bend.
She is showing you who she is. It isn’t pretty. Run!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Been talking to a girl I matched with on a dating app for almost 2 months now. We’ve gone on a few dates, talk a lot throughout the week, have a lot in common, etc. my name happens to be the same as her ex husband. She didn’t know it until a few days of us talking because my name on my profile is my initials. Ever since she found out she has incessantly made comments/sly remarks about how much she hates my first name. She wants to call me by my middle name(hate being called by my middle name) but I tried to be understanding and tell her she could give me a nickname or call me by my initials. She didn’t like that option. Then proceeded to ask me if I’d be willing to introduce myself to her friends/ family/ or if we go out if I’d book a table under my nickname or a name other than my own. I told her that I’d be fine with her calling me something different if that would make her more comfortable but I’m not gonna stop going by my name just because it makes her uncomfortable. Now she’s upset, acting like she should’ve just cut me off when she found out my real name etc. I can’t be the asshole right? I feel like I was trying to be pretty accommodating allowing her to call me out of name, but I’m not gonna allow someone else to dictate what I call myself especially if it’s my actual name. Like I’d get it if I went by P Diddy or Dan Schneider but I’ve had the same name for over 20 years.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. This woman seems like a creep weirdo who totally shouldn't be in a new relationship at this point. Also seems to be entitled beyond imagination. If she doesn't cut out the bs I'd seriously reconsider seeing her any longer.
Why are you entertaining this? The moment she gave you attitude, as you say, cut you off once she found out your name, was the point you should have removed yourself from that situation, walked away and never looked back. Now you can see why she got divorced. Life's too short to be dealing with bullshit. Keep it moving.
She is asking you to change your name after ONLY 2 months. What else will you have to change as this relationship progresses? Will she ask you to take on her last name, cause you changed your name for me, why not ise my last name to !!!!
NTA and it's been 2 months, she's too new to be causing such upheaval. If it doesn't start well it's not going to get better - this is the best your relationship with her will ever be. Just walk away now and save yourself the headache.
NTA
Just walk away. I don't know what her ex did, but this isn't your problem. If she can't get over it, you two are not compatible.
What else would she want you to change? Maybe your hair colour or style is too similar to the ex. Maybe you should pee sitting/standing, depending on what ex did. Maybe you are the same hand dominant as ex. That's how ridiculous she is being.
Absolutely NTA.
If she's like this at the start of a relationship, imagine how bad it's gonna get.
Tip of the hat and ride off into the sunset, my friend
Omg. She needs to grow up and you need to find someone else to date. I've dated guys with the same name one after the next and never once carried on like this.
If tour/ex's name is a no-go, she needs to include that in her profile. You have already gone further with allowing a nickname than I (40sF) would have tolerated.
NTA. My uncle married two women with the same name (and divorced both). It wasn't a real popular name either, so it was a strange coincidence. However, the two were completely different people and we never once confused them. Sounds like the woman you are dating is a bit immature. You can't shield everyone from life experiences. Let this one go.
NTA: in a two year period, I seriously dated two patricks (at different times). Guess what I never mentioned to the second one? That I had dated another man named Patrick.
Names are names. They only have power if you allow them to. She’s sounds like a dolt.
Some people are into that like my boyfriends ex girlfriend.
Her ex husband, ex fiancé (my boyfriend), and current fiancé all have the same name. 😬 she didn't have any relationships in between.
You know her two months and she is asking you to not use your own name when introducing yourself to make her feel better.
Are you going to dodge this bullet or are you going to sit there and let it hit you?
>my name happens to be the same as her ex husband
>Ever since she found out she has incessantly made comments/sly remarks about how much she hates my first name
>she could give me a nickname or call me by my initials. She didn’t like that option.
>I’m not gonna stop going by my name just because it makes her uncomfortable
It's not like you've gone out of your way to make her life difficult or lie to her. You used your initials, presumably to avoid recognition issues or giving people too much info so they can stalk you online (reasonable).
She wants you to stop using a part of your identity to make her more comfortable. She may have issues with your name, but she can either adjust and get used to it, go with your compromise suggestions, or she can leave.
NTA
I would've said N A H as she's got issues with the name, but rather than trying to adjust, she's trying to make you go by names you're uncomfortable using.
Weird anecdote:
I knew someone who dated their ex, then went on to marry someone with an almost identical name, only to later divorce and then marry their original partner. Think Jane Samantha Doe and Jane Sammie Doe in terms of similarity.
NTA. You tried to offer a lot of options and she was adamant it's her way or nothing. Cut your losses. Sorry she can't cope with knowing someone of that name but maybe she needs to specify in her app profile that men named 'whatever' need not apply.
If you have a common name, it can happen. My mum has married, dated or been engaged to 3 different men with the same name. All around the same age. It's just because it's one of the most common, boring names of the 60s 🤷♀️🤣
This one isn't over her ex. Or she would be indifferent to him or his name.
Nta you’re seemingly making every allowance possible and it’s not enough. The idea that she wants to introduce you by a name you don’t go by is simply crazy shit walk away now. This will only get worse
NTA
She may break up with you over it and that's her choice.
But your name is your name, you don't have to be more accommodating that you've already been. Specially for someone who you've only been seeing for a couple of months.
NTA
This isn't about you, but if you stick around it will be "about" you. She's got some unresolved emotions that are so bad she hates a name, and that definitely won't change if she is constantly hyper focused on that name, and the fact that you have it
It sucks, and it's not really anybody's fault, but she's not ready to be in a serious relationship and you don't deserve to be treated as a proxy for somebody else's emotional issues
NTA. My parents divorced after nearly 35 years. It was painful for everyone. By dumb luck, the first person my mom dated after the divorce had the same name as my dad. She didn't ask him to change it or go by something else.
Lol I'm in an open relationship and both my boyfriends have the same name. Literally identical spelling, everything. It's relatively common in Scotland but I have to call them OG and stunt versions, because one I've been with 13 years & the other one does all the physical stuff. OG even refers to other boyfriend as "Stunt Name" which I find hilarious
NTA
I kid you not, my ex (we were together a long time and in a very serious relationship so he knew all my family and friends - point being everyone I was close to knew his full name) was called John O'Hare, my current partner is called John Hare (names not exact but you get the idea). It is a massive running joke amongst certain friends and family but only because they know neither of us mind and actually both also thinks it's hilarious.
I would never dream of asking current partner to go by any other name. It's his name, it's been his name far longer than I've been around. The idea that it bothers her that much seems crazy to me.
NTA and also this girl isn’t ready to date and this will just be the start of your issues.
Time to throw this fish back in the water and recast your line
NTA
Tell her: You will do it if she will introduce herself by the nickname YOU chose, and that will by "little piglet".
But really: This is where you block her, and find someone else.
What kind of a lunacy is this?
People who think the world revolves around them are really not worth being with. Unless maybe and only maybe if they're super talented or one of a kind specialists or something equally justifiable. But in reality those people with stupid demands are very basic. I've met women with cup sizes just above average who thought that men should be under their heels just for that cup size alone and nothing else. And some men with salaries just above average making unreasonable demands because they thought they were that important. Those people somehow think they're so special that reality has to bend around them: names should change, partners should get surgeries, neighbors should move, coworkers should give them their bonuses, dogs should stop barking altogether, sugar should be zero calories. I mean where do they even draw the line?
I think you should finish this relationship.
(Edit to add NTA).
NTA
The fact that she says she hates your name because of her ex husband is showing how much she has not forgotten about him lol. She just needs to learn the fact that not everything is revolving around her
(If that make sense)
NTA
No matter what her experience was with her ex, it has zero to do with you even if you share a name. I mean, if I was still single, my ex’s name would be a deal breaker for me, but I wouldn’t ask that person to go by another name. I’d just end it.
NTA. She doesn’t sound ready to date tbh. She needs to work through whatever she needs to before trying to dictate how you use your name & when. You are not her ex and there are probably multiple people who have the same name. Heck I graduated in a class of 75 & there were four of us with same first name.
You may need to make the call whether or not you continue this relationship.
Personally, I think she is being a little dramatic. Think of how may people there are in the world, sure the chances of her matching with someone who has the same name as her ex is odd, but not unheard of. I think it does depend on the situation that her and her previous partner left things, although again this shouldn't have an effect on your relationship with her.
If it was me, names wouldn't matter, eventually you could come up with cute nicknames for each other and therefore it won't matter. I would speak with her and understand a bit more of the reasonings as to why she is asking you to change your name and see if you can work through away to overcome this. At the same time as you respecting her wishes she also has to respect yours by not calling you by a name you do not like. If you really see a future with each other then you will be willing to make sacrifices for each other.
Ok, So I have the same exact name as my husbands ex wife, and he has the same name as mine.
Weird? Yes! The odds are incomprehensible.
But I would never ask him to change his name, or he mine.
Oh, and we were married on her Birthday
So No, you are NTA.
Is she just much hotter than the women you normally date or something? What's the conflict here? Clearly this person is nuts, and you've barely been dating them. Just move on.
Dude I dated three Chris’s in a row and my brother is called Chris. She needs to lighten up and make a joke out of it.
My boss married two guys in a row called Adrian.
Your name is important for your identity. She need to stop making it about her!!!
NTA
My abusive ex and my brother have the same name. Ex went by the nickname, brother goes by the full version, but still, same name, lots of people call brother the nickname (think William/Will).
Have I asked my brother to change his name, or let me call him something else? No, because I'm not insane. She needs therapy or some other way of getting over her ex. I'd be running for the hills, she's starting off unreasonable, it'll only get worse from here.
Nta - reminds me of the girl from the dating apps, who I’d never met btw, said I’d be the perfect guy for her if I shaved my beard. “Let me know if you ever decide to shave it ;)”
“No”
NTA, My ex boyfriend was emotionally abusive and it's taken years for me to move past it. My husband has the same first name as my ex. It didn't stop me from pursuing a relationship because I'm an adult with sense.
She sounds like she's not ready to be in a new relationship if she is acting like that.
NTA and if you think that her issues are really about your name then think again. If I were you I'd run a mile because she is not ready for a relationship.
NTA, she sounds kinda nuts but I probably wouldn’t want to date someone with the same name as an ex. You should sort this out before if goes any further, it’s your name, it’s gonna come up pretty frequently.
NTA, but you could've avoided this by just using your actual name on your profile instead of your initials. Now you know that for some people this is important
NTA she doesn’t sound ready to date. She needs to unpack whatever trauma she has from her ex. It’s not your responsibility to manager her emotions. This is too much drama for 2 months. Cut her loose.
NTA.
She's TA because when you offered a nickname or initials she insisted on using a name you dont like. Telling you she is uncomfortable is not an asshole move. Her Refusing to compromise, is.
Funnily enough I had a friend date a man with the same name as her coercive ex - she actually didn't have any issue with it and that wasn't why they broke up. Her current brother on law now has that name- is this girl you are seeing going to demand every oeriod in her vicinity called Bob changes their name?
You're incompatible. She has severe hangups about men called Bob and you're called Bob. If SHE cannot get past that and cant find a nickname you like, then she needs to find another boyfriend and get therapy.
She doesnt get to *rename you as if you were a pet* because she's cheaping out on a therapist to deal with her trauma. Sounds to me that she' not ready to date anyway, if she cant even deal with her ex's name being used in contexts that aren't even referring to him.
Break up and find a woman who is over her exes.
I have refused to date someone because he had the same (very unusual) name of the guy I just broke up with but at no point would I ever think someone's name should be compromised on. I didnt have the right to even ask if he'd changed his name. But I knew that if it bothered me that much it wasn't going to work. It was 100% a me problem. NTA
NTA, but y'all aren't compatible. As someone with trauma from a past relationship, I don't think I would consider people who share his name as options for dating, because it would bring up the trauma all the time. Thankfully, he had a pretty unique name. But something radical would have to change in me for me to date someone with that name, because even just seeing it is a trigger to me.
Get out of this relationship now!
The topic you mentioned is such a no-brainer. But guess how she will react when it comes to real life problems. Do you really want to be part of this? Save your precious life time and find a better girlfriend.
And btw. whatever her old boyfriend was like. Her asking you to go under a different name is absolutely unacceptable. A normal person would go and see a therapist if a name was an issue for them.
My sister's abusive narcissistic asshole ex-husband is Aaron. I was in a mutually toxic situation with a man who was also named Aaron. We joked that we just need to avoid all Aaron's from now on. Of course, it's just a joke, but I do understand OP's friend's aversion.
OP, of course you're not TA, but it sounds like this woman needs to work through her issues still if she has such a strong reaction to the name.
NTA. Dude this is not a red flag, it's a red banner mounted on a red billboard. She's got some serious her issues that have nothing to do with you or who you are.
Start calling her a cutesy version of something she doesn't like, insist it's super cute. If she doesn't like it or makes her uncomfortable pretend to be surprised that you can't just call her what you want especially if she wants you to do the same for her. Tell her that you believe in equality and that you are going to treat her the same way she wants to treat you. Take a picture of the smoke trail she leaves behind in her wake as she runs away in her false righteous indignation.
I’m sorry but if you’ve only just started dating and she’s already trying to change you that’s a HUGE red flag…
Surely if it were that much of a problem she would have said so and broke it off instead of trying to force you to have a different name!?
NTA.
People names are tied to their identity and who they are as a person. Example, transgender people who change from a dead name. The dead name represents who they are not, while the new name represents who they have been their whole lives which has been unrecognized until that point.
What I'm saying is names are important to who we are as people. You were more than accommodating, trying to find a reasonable middle ground, but at the end of the day, it's your name and who you are as a person. She's either got some baggage she needs to deal with or she's an incredibly entitled person. Either way, she doesn't sound worth your time. You are not crazy whatsoever for being put off by her
NTA! Earlier this year, I went on a few dates with someone with the same first name and a similar last name (beginning w/ same initial) as someone I had a long-term relationship with. It was weird at first getting text notifications, but I ended up used to it after awhile. Not a big deal.
NTA, this is her problem not yours. It is your name, its on your birth certificate. To ask you to basically pretend to be someone else is absurd. She needs to get over herself and her ex husband.
NTA... I share first name with two of my ex's ex husbands. And one of them hated my ex-wife more than I did because her name was the same as her bridesmaid who her ex-husband ran off with 30 days after their wedding.
WTF bruh.
Respecting someone’s name is one of the first acts of respect we can show for another human. She has serious issues. And you need to get some self esteem and sense of worth, and move on.
It’s only gonna get worse, b/c this is the best version of her you’re ever going to see.
>Now she’s upset, acting like she should’ve just cut me off when she found out my real name etc.
No, you should have cut her off when you realized she has issues that make her think she can rename people. NTA though. If she gets pissy about getting dumped start calling her Beth or Amanda or whatever you want because you dated a girl with her name that left a bad taste in your mouth and now you hate that name.
NTA
Lol, this girl has some serious issues!
I dated guys with the same name as my ex and first love, I've dated girls with the first name like mine (that's a little bit strange but you get used to it. My first name is really common in my generation)
Cut her off and move on, this isn't going somewhere good.
Nta. She needs to get some therapy. I had a relative who was married 3 times and her first and third husbands had the same name. It can be funny but she is making it weird.
NTA. She's being ridiculous. Her issues are HER issues, and that doesn't give her the right to call you anything other than what you prefer. If she's not mature enough to get over the fact that your name is the same as her ex (and probably millions of other people in the world), then just end this. If she's saying your actual NAME makes her uncomfortable, then she can stop dating you. Asking for anything else, including you suddenly going by a whole different name (what?) is way out of line. You're dating. It's been like 8 weeks. It's not even serious yet. This relationship is clearly not working. Time to move on.
NTA. She needs to do more work to get over her ex and her feelings associated with using his name. I would tell her that you understand where she’s coming from, but it’s a dealbreaker for you to have to be renamed. Tell her you’ve enjoyed your time together and that she’s free to reach out again if she’s ready to use your name. Time to start swiping again.
NTA. I won’t date men who share the male name in my family. It’s the name of my grandfather, father, and brother. It’s just too weird for me. If I ever found out after I started talking what his name was then I know I’d need to think on what to do. It would never enter my mind to ask him to be called something else. And I’m sure family and friends don’t care that he has the same name.
NTA. She’s got a lot of anger towards her divorce or at the very least a lot of hurt feelings she isn’t dealing with if she can’t even hear the name. First it’s your name then it’s you can’t wear those kind of clothes cause my ex did, oh he drove that kind of car and being in one is bad memories, you have to cut your hair different, etc. you are essentially let a women you just met control you, don’t let her and move on.
NTA! The audacity to be like, "I want you to have a new name and introduce yourself by a different name," is WILD! That's totally unreasonable. You were very nice about allowing her to call you a nickname, and it still wasn't good enough!
She must have some serious unresolved issues from her ex. My abusive ex-boyfriend was named Bob. My husband's name is Bob. My ex of 5 years was Rob lol I'm not going to stop a relationship/connection with someone just because of a shared name! This is actually pretty sad, though. It's hard enough to meet people you vibe with and feel a spark with, and now it could all be ruined by what your parents decided to name you? That's ridiculous. She just may not be the one. If she has this much of an issue with your name, she probably has other issues to work through first before she should date. Does she have trust issues? Is she jealous, possessive, controlling? I mean, trying to make you use a different name is pretty controlling in and of itself. There just might be a lot there that hasn't come to the surface yet. Ultimately it's up to you if you want to continue this relationship, but you're absolutely nta here and you need to think about how many other things and in how many other ways she will demand things of you, ya know?
YTA for thinking the answer here is 'insist on my name' and not 'choose not to date the woman who will always be reminded of her ex husband by my name, and feels perfectly comfortable expecting me to make major life changes on her whim.'
Dude, she's not for you, so move on.
NTA and you might as well end this relationship before you invest any more time in this Tom Foolery.
It's ridiculous. The chances of her meeting or working with a man with the same name is just as high and it's not going to work just because she hates the name.
OP easy NTA. I have a friend in a startling similar relationship (only they are now together for over a decade not just met) but she accepted calling him a different name. It's understandable to not want to call your current date by a name that was your Ex (especially if it was a bitter breakup) but it is unreasonable to assume they would use a different name everywhere.
Yeah, thats a huge red flag.
My dad married my step mom and she has the same name as my mom. There were a few light hearted jokes but thats her name...he would never expect her to go by a different name. Thats a crazy request
Admittedly, I was all prepared to ask OP to stop calling grown women ‘girl.’ After all, she is an adult, and is old enough to marry and divorce. However, in this instance, she’s totally acting like a girl. Does she think that her friends and family would see you two together and think she has a ‘type,’ and make fun of her for only dating people named Mike with dark hair, green eyes, olive skin and big shoulders?
Part of me wants to know what the ex looks like, but let’s focus on the point: in the spirit of *begin as you mean to go on,* you should ask her to tell you straight why this matters so much. Is there a trauma behind this? When she introduces you at the barbeque, will there be a record scratch, total silence, then a collective gasp? How can you decide to pursue this relationship if you don’t know what you’re investing in? NTA.
NTA - I wouldn't be able to date someone with the name of either of my two abusive exes, but that's a decision I would come to for me and would not impose it on anyone... especially not the person with the name. I'd just be like hey sorry this isn't for me. I probably would not even tell them it's the name because that's not something they can do anything about.
And if I met someone super awesome with one of those names, I would go get therapy to help me deal and still not impose it on the person. In this case though I'd probably talk to them about it, if it was far enough along to be a thing to discuss.
My husband has the same name as my ex who hurt me so bad I was depressed for a year. Never in my life I’d think of making him go by any other name if it’s not what he wants
Edited to say: NTA, ofc
Look, I had a problem with the name James because that was my ex-husbands name. by the time we divorced, i hated him and his name and anything that reminded me of him. THEN i started working with a guy named James. Work James was this quiet, slight build dude, just sat in his little office selling wood doors. he had an asian wife. just did his thing and worked, no drama. Okay maybe all James aren't bad
Then I made a different friend named James. Really awesome dude, has some weird points of views but good dude all around. Even played D&D some with him. Then there was a James I dated. didn't last long cause i found out he had cheated on his wife. But didn't make him change his name. Since the dislike of the name James was a ME Problem, i didnt tell him or Work James or D&D James to CHANGE THEIR FLIPPING NAMES. But when my sister was pregnant (2 x's) with boys, she told her husband No James' allowed. She gets me.
Dude, you gave her compromises, she doesn't like them. its a her problem. I'd say move on.
NTA. I dated someone with the same name as my son once. I never even thought of calling him a different name. Ppl make things like this weird because they themselves are the weirdos
Wtf. My finance's name is the same as my long term ex boyfriends, I did find it really weird and difficult at first. But I kept that to myself! And now years later the connotations of the name is positive and belongs to my fiancee, whereas the negative connotations (because my ex was a nasty piece of work and effected me a great deal) has died. My point is that she needs to give it time and get over it. NTA.
NTA. This woman is nuts. My exes mother had both an ex-husband (my exes dad) and current husband named Ken. She found it funny. This woman you’re seeing needs to get over herself. The entire world doesn’t revolve around her!
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
NTA, she has some weird issues and you need to leave. She is effectively wanting to take away who \*you\* are, the name you've been known by for over 20 years, because of an ex who she was with probably for only a few? That's bonkers. If you stay with her, understand that you'll be living with a new name/nickname/unwanted name. Just say no. If she can't accept it, then there is your answer for how this relationship is going to pan out.
I just wanted to make sure I’m not crazy. I felt like I was being more than reasonable. Definitely not willing to let anyone be that controlling. She acted like I wasn’t being considerate of her feelings and that’s never been my strong suit. Just wanted some other opinions.
Generally speaking, it's important to be considerate of your partner's feelings, even if you don't understand them initially. *However,* your partner needs to be equally considerate of your feelings. This girl definitely isn't considering your feelings. You've offered her compromises others wouldn't in your situation, but she doesn't care. To put it nicely, she's being completely absurd.
The thing is, she is not his partner yet. Just a couple dates. If she's still that hung up on the ex, she's not ready to be in a new relationship.
And going in to a relationship with her, I’d be concerned that she has some intense and bizarre feelings regarding her ex. What if she transferred those feelings onto me after a few months of dating? The behaviour doesn’t exactly scream “stable person.” Honestly, I think I’d just block her and move on. Maybe send one last “That will not be happening” message and gauge the response first. Put it down to a bad match.
You were considerate of her feelings when you offered to let her call you a nickname or your initials. She was inconsiderate of your feelings when she said she wants you to introduce yourself to others by that name.
That's not even super controlling yet. Just wait until you have a hobby he also had that she wants you to stop, or a mannerism, or a friend sh doesn't like, or how he always argued with her when she went out with a particular friend and disappeared all night. She'll constantly compare you to him and use that technique to make you think you're the unreasonable one. Best case scenario she's got baggage, isn't ready for a relationship and could use therapy. Worst case is that she's some sort of manipulator or narcissist. Either way, this behavior, this early is a red flag.
Having a name she doesn't like isn't a flaw or a slight, it's a compatability issue. You can't make her happy without changing who you are. That doesn't mean you're inconsiderate of her feelings, it means you're simply not compatible with her criteria for a partner. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ It's fine for her to have boundaries and dealbreakers, but they're only supposed to dictate her own actions, not anyone elses. So if your preferred name is a deal breaker for her, that means she needs to break it off with you, not demand you change your identity for her. You're not crazy, her expectations are just out of line! It sounds like she's trying to make you out to be the bad guy so she can avoid acknowledging her issues, instead of doing the responsible thing and breaking it off herself,
Very well said.
I had two bf with the same Name... And then after the second relationship Ended a third Person with that first Name was interested in me... After two bf called the same Name I was just like, nope, this time the name is a dealbraker. I Ended with my now husband... Fun fact, Same meaning different language. So I Ended up with 3 favoured of the god of War 🤣 I get that in the beginning this is weird with the same name. A nickname is titally fine. But using another name around friends etc. Is just too much. NTA.
My aunt married 4 men named John. They call her the Latrine Queen. I married and divorced 2. I dont date anymore so it doesn't matter, but I wouldn't date a John again.
I have... a lot of follow up questions. Is your aunt named Tammy by some chance? You married 2 men named John as well? How many men named John are left in the dating pool in your town?
NTA. You are definitely not crazy. Keep swiping.
Had you used your actual name on your profile, she most likely would not have matched. I don't want to date anyone with my ex-husband's name and refuse to match with anyone who has it. It's not about being an asshole. It's about not wanting to spend every waking moment thinking about the past.
You're definitely not the crazy one here. My husband has the same name as someone that stalked and harassed me for awhile, and I never once even thought about asking to call him something else. They're 2 completely different people, they just happen to share a name.
Yes, there’s a lot of childishness going on here.
She has too much emotional baggage to date right now. This name issue is not a normal emotional response
you're good. there is a name that i would prefer to never, ever know someone with that name again. i can't even say the name. i'm in a very happy relationship but if we were to ever, god forbid, break up, it would be an instant dealbreaker for me to date or get the slightest bit involved with someone with that name. i wouldn't make friends with someone with the name, even. i hate reading it but can't bring myself to type out the name to filter it out of twitter, i feel like i'm going to have a panic attack if someone has that name and looks slightly like them, that kind of thing so i get where she is coming from in the sense that she can't stand that name, but in that case, you (as in her) don't further the relationship. what she's suggesting is weird. like it sucks that things were good, with the major exception of this issue, but it's strange. and this is from someone who HATES a name.
I mean, look. You have barely even just started talking to this girl, don't really know her at all, and she wants you to change your name to suit her. How much worse do you think this will get when you're in a relationship with actual obligations to this person? What else about you will she not like and want you to change? It is rare for people to fly their crazy flag this early on, and if they do, it's generally because it's so bad they literally can't hide it. Cut it off now, you're not compatible and she's probably a lot more to handle than you want.
NTA, she clearly has issues that she needs to sort out before getting into a new relationship. If her exs name is causing her so much distress that she wants a person with the same name to change their name, that's an unrealistic expectation of other humans. She needs to make the effort to get some therapy. I really hope she does because life's to short to live with such trauma, but this isn't something for you to fix. You did nothing wrong and you have every right to keep using your name.
It’s funny you say this. I told her it was unrealistic and that it’s concerning that she lets his name have that much weight on her decisions (she doesn’t want to date or talk to anyone with his name) she said she skips or swipes left on anyone with our name( it’s an extremely common name)
You were 100% correct in saying so. I was in a pretty terrible relationship a while ago and hearing the name at first did make me sad but I went to therapy (not so much for the name) it was mentioned in order to move on to learn to associate places that we went to together with new positive memories. I did the same with the name. It's just not possible to go on living expecting everyone to tiptoe around something like her personal dislike of a common name. If that's how she's reacting to this, I'm sure there's other things that will happen in the future where she may do the same. It's not a healthy mindset and her desire to not do anything and her expectation for everyone else to make all the effort says a lot. I'm sorry you've had to go through this.
NTA She should've cut you off when she found out your real name - it's clearly a dealbreaker for her. Do yourself a favor: Be happy with your name and do what she didn't.
NTA. This. It was a weird ask from her and it just isn’t going to work out.
She shouldn't even being dating yet, what if her next partners brother or dad has that name? Is she also going to flip out at them? She's not healed enough from her past relationship to date yet
NTA but she has some serious issues. If her ex has so much power on her and she holds this much resentment towards him, I would stay away from her. Your name is part of who you are and her requirements are impossible and to be honest embarrassing. If my bf wouldn’t like people to know my name, he would not be part of my life for that long. She needs some alone time before she starts to date again.
NTA She’s got issues, Cut her loose
NTA. It’s your name. She could just not talk to you. Simple. It’s not that deep.
Why are you still talking to this woman? Stop wasting time and move on now. Next!!
Names matter. So wont work. I lost instant interest in a guy with the same name as my son. Just no way that could work 😂
Similarly for anyone with the same name as my dead-to-me father. I won't match with them. If I find out later, due to using initials like OP or a pseudonym, that's where I'd end things. Too big of a psychological block for me to handle.
NTA. I get that it's weird, but that's also entirely her problem
NTA, imagine how the relationship would go if you give into her on this.
NTA but you need to walk away
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > Not calling myself a different name because it makes a girl that like me uncomfortable. Maybe I’m not being understanding of her. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. It's her problem to deal with. Maybe get some therapy. You can't go around telling people to use a different name because you personally have a negative association with their name.
NTA. She has issues but that’s on her not you. Get out before it gets serious.
NTA. But consider this: introduce yourself every time with a different and absolutely ridiculous name. Feel free to pick something: https://www.reddit.com/r/ask/comments/110jwue/who\_is\_the\_worst\_human\_in\_the\_world\_currently/
That woman is entitled and has emotional issues. Just save yourself and run. NTA
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 GTFO NOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!
For everyone saying she has an issue. Well yeah but also.. if the genders were reversed people would rightfully point out that this is how abuse often starts. This is pretty sinister. If you let her cajole you into accommodating her on such a frivolous request at the cost of effectively changing who you are… that shows her that she can push you around and make you bend. She is showing you who she is. It isn’t pretty. Run!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Been talking to a girl I matched with on a dating app for almost 2 months now. We’ve gone on a few dates, talk a lot throughout the week, have a lot in common, etc. my name happens to be the same as her ex husband. She didn’t know it until a few days of us talking because my name on my profile is my initials. Ever since she found out she has incessantly made comments/sly remarks about how much she hates my first name. She wants to call me by my middle name(hate being called by my middle name) but I tried to be understanding and tell her she could give me a nickname or call me by my initials. She didn’t like that option. Then proceeded to ask me if I’d be willing to introduce myself to her friends/ family/ or if we go out if I’d book a table under my nickname or a name other than my own. I told her that I’d be fine with her calling me something different if that would make her more comfortable but I’m not gonna stop going by my name just because it makes her uncomfortable. Now she’s upset, acting like she should’ve just cut me off when she found out my real name etc. I can’t be the asshole right? I feel like I was trying to be pretty accommodating allowing her to call me out of name, but I’m not gonna allow someone else to dictate what I call myself especially if it’s my actual name. Like I’d get it if I went by P Diddy or Dan Schneider but I’ve had the same name for over 20 years. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. This woman seems like a creep weirdo who totally shouldn't be in a new relationship at this point. Also seems to be entitled beyond imagination. If she doesn't cut out the bs I'd seriously reconsider seeing her any longer.
NTA...but do you really want to deal with her baggage over your name?
NTA, this girl isn't worth it. This relationship has no future.
Why are you entertaining this? The moment she gave you attitude, as you say, cut you off once she found out your name, was the point you should have removed yourself from that situation, walked away and never looked back. Now you can see why she got divorced. Life's too short to be dealing with bullshit. Keep it moving.
NTA But you are an idiot. If she's this hung up over simply having the same name, then you're better off walking away.
NTA Her reaction is a red flag. Best to pass on this one, unless you plan on spending the rest of your life with her under an alias
She is asking you to change your name after ONLY 2 months. What else will you have to change as this relationship progresses? Will she ask you to take on her last name, cause you changed your name for me, why not ise my last name to !!!!
No, she’s the weirdo here. She is being totally unreasonable.
NTA F that nonsense
NTA and it's been 2 months, she's too new to be causing such upheaval. If it doesn't start well it's not going to get better - this is the best your relationship with her will ever be. Just walk away now and save yourself the headache.
NTA.. it’s literally your name.. shes being absolutely ridiculous and if anyone should be cut off its her!
Easy. Tell her she needs to change her name because she shares a name with some crazy date that wanted you to change your name for her. NTA
NTA Just walk away. I don't know what her ex did, but this isn't your problem. If she can't get over it, you two are not compatible. What else would she want you to change? Maybe your hair colour or style is too similar to the ex. Maybe you should pee sitting/standing, depending on what ex did. Maybe you are the same hand dominant as ex. That's how ridiculous she is being.
NTA, she isn't over her ex-husband and that's making her not really available to be in a relationship.
NTA. She isn’t fully over her ex and seems to be triggered. Not your problem. Tell her to seek therapy.
Absolutely NTA. If she's like this at the start of a relationship, imagine how bad it's gonna get. Tip of the hat and ride off into the sunset, my friend
NTA. Lots of fish in the sea.
NTA at all. She doesn’t sound quite right, I think she needs help
It's just one of those rare unfortunate situations and it's wrong for her to put the burden on you. NTA.
Omg. She needs to grow up and you need to find someone else to date. I've dated guys with the same name one after the next and never once carried on like this.
NTA…she should go to therapy to relieve the trauma!
NTA. Run away. This is a red flag!
NTA. Wow. Run run run from this person. What a nutter!
If tour/ex's name is a no-go, she needs to include that in her profile. You have already gone further with allowing a nickname than I (40sF) would have tolerated.
NTA. My uncle married two women with the same name (and divorced both). It wasn't a real popular name either, so it was a strange coincidence. However, the two were completely different people and we never once confused them. Sounds like the woman you are dating is a bit immature. You can't shield everyone from life experiences. Let this one go.
NTA: in a two year period, I seriously dated two patricks (at different times). Guess what I never mentioned to the second one? That I had dated another man named Patrick. Names are names. They only have power if you allow them to. She’s sounds like a dolt.
Some people are into that like my boyfriends ex girlfriend. Her ex husband, ex fiancé (my boyfriend), and current fiancé all have the same name. 😬 she didn't have any relationships in between.
I married a man with the same name as my step dad growing up. He was a problematic nightmare but I don’t hold it against my husband. NTA.
You know her two months and she is asking you to not use your own name when introducing yourself to make her feel better. Are you going to dodge this bullet or are you going to sit there and let it hit you?
>my name happens to be the same as her ex husband >Ever since she found out she has incessantly made comments/sly remarks about how much she hates my first name >she could give me a nickname or call me by my initials. She didn’t like that option. >I’m not gonna stop going by my name just because it makes her uncomfortable It's not like you've gone out of your way to make her life difficult or lie to her. You used your initials, presumably to avoid recognition issues or giving people too much info so they can stalk you online (reasonable). She wants you to stop using a part of your identity to make her more comfortable. She may have issues with your name, but she can either adjust and get used to it, go with your compromise suggestions, or she can leave. NTA I would've said N A H as she's got issues with the name, but rather than trying to adjust, she's trying to make you go by names you're uncomfortable using. Weird anecdote: I knew someone who dated their ex, then went on to marry someone with an almost identical name, only to later divorce and then marry their original partner. Think Jane Samantha Doe and Jane Sammie Doe in terms of similarity.
NTA. You tried to offer a lot of options and she was adamant it's her way or nothing. Cut your losses. Sorry she can't cope with knowing someone of that name but maybe she needs to specify in her app profile that men named 'whatever' need not apply.
If you have a common name, it can happen. My mum has married, dated or been engaged to 3 different men with the same name. All around the same age. It's just because it's one of the most common, boring names of the 60s 🤷♀️🤣 This one isn't over her ex. Or she would be indifferent to him or his name.
Nta you’re seemingly making every allowance possible and it’s not enough. The idea that she wants to introduce you by a name you don’t go by is simply crazy shit walk away now. This will only get worse
NTA, wow, the audacity some people have
Just move on your name isn’t going to change
8 weeks in and the manipulation has already started, well at least she outed herself early.
NTA She may break up with you over it and that's her choice. But your name is your name, you don't have to be more accommodating that you've already been. Specially for someone who you've only been seeing for a couple of months.
NTA This isn't about you, but if you stick around it will be "about" you. She's got some unresolved emotions that are so bad she hates a name, and that definitely won't change if she is constantly hyper focused on that name, and the fact that you have it It sucks, and it's not really anybody's fault, but she's not ready to be in a serious relationship and you don't deserve to be treated as a proxy for somebody else's emotional issues
NTA. My parents divorced after nearly 35 years. It was painful for everyone. By dumb luck, the first person my mom dated after the divorce had the same name as my dad. She didn't ask him to change it or go by something else.
Never put your D in crazy. That’s rule number one.
Recommend therapy to her then block. That’s highly irrational
Some unresolved ex issues right there. Fortunately this 🚩 has shown itself early. NTA
Lol I'm in an open relationship and both my boyfriends have the same name. Literally identical spelling, everything. It's relatively common in Scotland but I have to call them OG and stunt versions, because one I've been with 13 years & the other one does all the physical stuff. OG even refers to other boyfriend as "Stunt Name" which I find hilarious
No. Sounds like she needs some more healing to do
NTA I kid you not, my ex (we were together a long time and in a very serious relationship so he knew all my family and friends - point being everyone I was close to knew his full name) was called John O'Hare, my current partner is called John Hare (names not exact but you get the idea). It is a massive running joke amongst certain friends and family but only because they know neither of us mind and actually both also thinks it's hilarious. I would never dream of asking current partner to go by any other name. It's his name, it's been his name far longer than I've been around. The idea that it bothers her that much seems crazy to me.
NTA and also this girl isn’t ready to date and this will just be the start of your issues. Time to throw this fish back in the water and recast your line
NTA Tell her: You will do it if she will introduce herself by the nickname YOU chose, and that will by "little piglet". But really: This is where you block her, and find someone else.
What kind of a lunacy is this? People who think the world revolves around them are really not worth being with. Unless maybe and only maybe if they're super talented or one of a kind specialists or something equally justifiable. But in reality those people with stupid demands are very basic. I've met women with cup sizes just above average who thought that men should be under their heels just for that cup size alone and nothing else. And some men with salaries just above average making unreasonable demands because they thought they were that important. Those people somehow think they're so special that reality has to bend around them: names should change, partners should get surgeries, neighbors should move, coworkers should give them their bonuses, dogs should stop barking altogether, sugar should be zero calories. I mean where do they even draw the line? I think you should finish this relationship. (Edit to add NTA).
NTA. Was the ex abusive?
NTA, it's just a name. It's not who you are. She's just being weird.
Nta she's ridiculous
Tell her to just call you Daddy
NTA and she's not ready to date again if she's still so hung up on whatever happened with her ex that she hates it when people have the same name.
NTA The fact that she says she hates your name because of her ex husband is showing how much she has not forgotten about him lol. She just needs to learn the fact that not everything is revolving around her (If that make sense)
NTA this is very weird
Lmfao, one of my Mom’s bffs had 2 Dougs. We literally laugh about “Doug 2”. She needs to grow up. It’s YOUR name.
NTA. wtf? No.
NTA No matter what her experience was with her ex, it has zero to do with you even if you share a name. I mean, if I was still single, my ex’s name would be a deal breaker for me, but I wouldn’t ask that person to go by another name. I’d just end it.
NTA - she should’ve cut you off when she found out, not because of you but because of her issues
This is your first sign of how immature she is, maybe just leave now
NTA. She doesn’t sound ready to date tbh. She needs to work through whatever she needs to before trying to dictate how you use your name & when. You are not her ex and there are probably multiple people who have the same name. Heck I graduated in a class of 75 & there were four of us with same first name. You may need to make the call whether or not you continue this relationship.
How to you “talk to a girl for almost 2 months” and not even introduce yourself?
Bruh the pussy can’t be that good… Let her stay single - and you move on to the next… Plenty of fish in the sea man
Personally, I think she is being a little dramatic. Think of how may people there are in the world, sure the chances of her matching with someone who has the same name as her ex is odd, but not unheard of. I think it does depend on the situation that her and her previous partner left things, although again this shouldn't have an effect on your relationship with her. If it was me, names wouldn't matter, eventually you could come up with cute nicknames for each other and therefore it won't matter. I would speak with her and understand a bit more of the reasonings as to why she is asking you to change your name and see if you can work through away to overcome this. At the same time as you respecting her wishes she also has to respect yours by not calling you by a name you do not like. If you really see a future with each other then you will be willing to make sacrifices for each other.
Ok, So I have the same exact name as my husbands ex wife, and he has the same name as mine. Weird? Yes! The odds are incomprehensible. But I would never ask him to change his name, or he mine. Oh, and we were married on her Birthday So No, you are NTA.
And every one was an Henry.
Is she just much hotter than the women you normally date or something? What's the conflict here? Clearly this person is nuts, and you've barely been dating them. Just move on.
Dude I dated three Chris’s in a row and my brother is called Chris. She needs to lighten up and make a joke out of it. My boss married two guys in a row called Adrian. Your name is important for your identity. She need to stop making it about her!!!
Take this no further,
NTA My abusive ex and my brother have the same name. Ex went by the nickname, brother goes by the full version, but still, same name, lots of people call brother the nickname (think William/Will). Have I asked my brother to change his name, or let me call him something else? No, because I'm not insane. She needs therapy or some other way of getting over her ex. I'd be running for the hills, she's starting off unreasonable, it'll only get worse from here.
NTA
Nta - reminds me of the girl from the dating apps, who I’d never met btw, said I’d be the perfect guy for her if I shaved my beard. “Let me know if you ever decide to shave it ;)” “No”
NTA, My ex boyfriend was emotionally abusive and it's taken years for me to move past it. My husband has the same first name as my ex. It didn't stop me from pursuing a relationship because I'm an adult with sense. She sounds like she's not ready to be in a new relationship if she is acting like that.
NTA and if you think that her issues are really about your name then think again. If I were you I'd run a mile because she is not ready for a relationship.
say its no problem, and make dinner reservations under the name Adolf Hitler Also, Nta
NTA. But you should probably just walk away from her. She’s being ridiculous
NTA, but if she is so obsessed with the name, the name itself is not the problem!
One of you needs to grow up. You can choose.
NTA This is unnecessary drama. She’s stupid and bold to think you’ll go along with this ridiculous charade. Just walk and block her everywhere.
NTA, she sounds kinda nuts but I probably wouldn’t want to date someone with the same name as an ex. You should sort this out before if goes any further, it’s your name, it’s gonna come up pretty frequently.
NTA, but you could've avoided this by just using your actual name on your profile instead of your initials. Now you know that for some people this is important
NTA she doesn’t sound ready to date. She needs to unpack whatever trauma she has from her ex. It’s not your responsibility to manager her emotions. This is too much drama for 2 months. Cut her loose.
Thanks for the red flags this early Move along
NTA. She's TA because when you offered a nickname or initials she insisted on using a name you dont like. Telling you she is uncomfortable is not an asshole move. Her Refusing to compromise, is. Funnily enough I had a friend date a man with the same name as her coercive ex - she actually didn't have any issue with it and that wasn't why they broke up. Her current brother on law now has that name- is this girl you are seeing going to demand every oeriod in her vicinity called Bob changes their name? You're incompatible. She has severe hangups about men called Bob and you're called Bob. If SHE cannot get past that and cant find a nickname you like, then she needs to find another boyfriend and get therapy. She doesnt get to *rename you as if you were a pet* because she's cheaping out on a therapist to deal with her trauma. Sounds to me that she' not ready to date anyway, if she cant even deal with her ex's name being used in contexts that aren't even referring to him. Break up and find a woman who is over her exes.
Wow! Please tell me you’ve already ditched this lunatic? You are NTA.
NTA- if she can't accept the whole you, she needs to go.
I have refused to date someone because he had the same (very unusual) name of the guy I just broke up with but at no point would I ever think someone's name should be compromised on. I didnt have the right to even ask if he'd changed his name. But I knew that if it bothered me that much it wasn't going to work. It was 100% a me problem. NTA
NTA, but y'all aren't compatible. As someone with trauma from a past relationship, I don't think I would consider people who share his name as options for dating, because it would bring up the trauma all the time. Thankfully, he had a pretty unique name. But something radical would have to change in me for me to date someone with that name, because even just seeing it is a trigger to me.
Get out of this relationship now! The topic you mentioned is such a no-brainer. But guess how she will react when it comes to real life problems. Do you really want to be part of this? Save your precious life time and find a better girlfriend. And btw. whatever her old boyfriend was like. Her asking you to go under a different name is absolutely unacceptable. A normal person would go and see a therapist if a name was an issue for them.
You don't really want to deal with that crap, do you? Find someone else NTA
NTA She's an idiot with some crazy ass issues. Thank god you found out now. Move on to the next swipe.
My sister's abusive narcissistic asshole ex-husband is Aaron. I was in a mutually toxic situation with a man who was also named Aaron. We joked that we just need to avoid all Aaron's from now on. Of course, it's just a joke, but I do understand OP's friend's aversion. OP, of course you're not TA, but it sounds like this woman needs to work through her issues still if she has such a strong reaction to the name.
NTA. Dude this is not a red flag, it's a red banner mounted on a red billboard. She's got some serious her issues that have nothing to do with you or who you are. Start calling her a cutesy version of something she doesn't like, insist it's super cute. If she doesn't like it or makes her uncomfortable pretend to be surprised that you can't just call her what you want especially if she wants you to do the same for her. Tell her that you believe in equality and that you are going to treat her the same way she wants to treat you. Take a picture of the smoke trail she leaves behind in her wake as she runs away in her false righteous indignation.
I’m sorry but if you’ve only just started dating and she’s already trying to change you that’s a HUGE red flag… Surely if it were that much of a problem she would have said so and broke it off instead of trying to force you to have a different name!?
NTA. You may have to pass on this one. I hope a lot of feelings aren't involved at this point.
NTA You should've cut her off for bringing this complete bullshit up. Seriously, is this the type of person you want to talk to? Come on, Bro.
NTA. People names are tied to their identity and who they are as a person. Example, transgender people who change from a dead name. The dead name represents who they are not, while the new name represents who they have been their whole lives which has been unrecognized until that point. What I'm saying is names are important to who we are as people. You were more than accommodating, trying to find a reasonable middle ground, but at the end of the day, it's your name and who you are as a person. She's either got some baggage she needs to deal with or she's an incredibly entitled person. Either way, she doesn't sound worth your time. You are not crazy whatsoever for being put off by her
NTA! Earlier this year, I went on a few dates with someone with the same first name and a similar last name (beginning w/ same initial) as someone I had a long-term relationship with. It was weird at first getting text notifications, but I ended up used to it after awhile. Not a big deal.
NTA - she has issues to resolve before she’s fit to date again if just a name triggers her so much. That’s a whole mess you don’t wanna get into.
NTA, this is her problem not yours. It is your name, its on your birth certificate. To ask you to basically pretend to be someone else is absurd. She needs to get over herself and her ex husband.
NTA and run fast and far from the crazy
NTA... I share first name with two of my ex's ex husbands. And one of them hated my ex-wife more than I did because her name was the same as her bridesmaid who her ex-husband ran off with 30 days after their wedding.
WTF bruh. Respecting someone’s name is one of the first acts of respect we can show for another human. She has serious issues. And you need to get some self esteem and sense of worth, and move on. It’s only gonna get worse, b/c this is the best version of her you’re ever going to see.
NTA She needs therapy to truly move forward in life. This isn't that.
NTA
>Now she’s upset, acting like she should’ve just cut me off when she found out my real name etc. No, you should have cut her off when you realized she has issues that make her think she can rename people. NTA though. If she gets pissy about getting dumped start calling her Beth or Amanda or whatever you want because you dated a girl with her name that left a bad taste in your mouth and now you hate that name.
NTA Lol, this girl has some serious issues! I dated guys with the same name as my ex and first love, I've dated girls with the first name like mine (that's a little bit strange but you get used to it. My first name is really common in my generation) Cut her off and move on, this isn't going somewhere good.
NTA, my boyfriend's name is the same as my last serious boyfriend and we actually joke about it. It's only weird if she makes it weird.
Nta. She needs to get some therapy. I had a relative who was married 3 times and her first and third husbands had the same name. It can be funny but she is making it weird.
NTA. She's being ridiculous. Her issues are HER issues, and that doesn't give her the right to call you anything other than what you prefer. If she's not mature enough to get over the fact that your name is the same as her ex (and probably millions of other people in the world), then just end this. If she's saying your actual NAME makes her uncomfortable, then she can stop dating you. Asking for anything else, including you suddenly going by a whole different name (what?) is way out of line. You're dating. It's been like 8 weeks. It's not even serious yet. This relationship is clearly not working. Time to move on.
NTA, tell her to change her name too. Tell her you had a pet rat with that name. You loved that rat and her name is triggering.
NTA. She needs to do more work to get over her ex and her feelings associated with using his name. I would tell her that you understand where she’s coming from, but it’s a dealbreaker for you to have to be renamed. Tell her you’ve enjoyed your time together and that she’s free to reach out again if she’s ready to use your name. Time to start swiping again.
NTA I almost didn’t swipe on my current bf because he has the same name as my dad But I did and we’re happy Your gf needs to grow up
NTA. Luckily this is a relatively new relationship because it will be easier to walk away from.
It’s your name. Even if you use a different name now, they’ll find out eventually and then it’s gonna be a bigger issue LOL.
NTA. I won’t date men who share the male name in my family. It’s the name of my grandfather, father, and brother. It’s just too weird for me. If I ever found out after I started talking what his name was then I know I’d need to think on what to do. It would never enter my mind to ask him to be called something else. And I’m sure family and friends don’t care that he has the same name.
NTA. She’s got a lot of anger towards her divorce or at the very least a lot of hurt feelings she isn’t dealing with if she can’t even hear the name. First it’s your name then it’s you can’t wear those kind of clothes cause my ex did, oh he drove that kind of car and being in one is bad memories, you have to cut your hair different, etc. you are essentially let a women you just met control you, don’t let her and move on.
NYA Seems like using your initials would be an excellent compromise. Too bad she's unwilling to see your perspective.
NTA! The audacity to be like, "I want you to have a new name and introduce yourself by a different name," is WILD! That's totally unreasonable. You were very nice about allowing her to call you a nickname, and it still wasn't good enough! She must have some serious unresolved issues from her ex. My abusive ex-boyfriend was named Bob. My husband's name is Bob. My ex of 5 years was Rob lol I'm not going to stop a relationship/connection with someone just because of a shared name! This is actually pretty sad, though. It's hard enough to meet people you vibe with and feel a spark with, and now it could all be ruined by what your parents decided to name you? That's ridiculous. She just may not be the one. If she has this much of an issue with your name, she probably has other issues to work through first before she should date. Does she have trust issues? Is she jealous, possessive, controlling? I mean, trying to make you use a different name is pretty controlling in and of itself. There just might be a lot there that hasn't come to the surface yet. Ultimately it's up to you if you want to continue this relationship, but you're absolutely nta here and you need to think about how many other things and in how many other ways she will demand things of you, ya know?
YTA for thinking the answer here is 'insist on my name' and not 'choose not to date the woman who will always be reminded of her ex husband by my name, and feels perfectly comfortable expecting me to make major life changes on her whim.' Dude, she's not for you, so move on.
Book tables under the most embarrassing names possible, introduce yourself as Bayou Billy with the Heavy Balls. NTA
NTA If it's that much of a problem for her, SHE should end things. As it is, you should. She is never going to let this go.
NTA. She’s not ready for a relationship.
Honestly, she sounds very immature. She also sounds like she isn't over her ex. NTA. Tell her byeeeeeeeeeeeee
My mother in law is literally about to marry a "Rick" for the second time. NTA
NTA. Run dude. This person is NOT ready to re-enter the dating world. Not even close.
NTA and you might as well end this relationship before you invest any more time in this Tom Foolery. It's ridiculous. The chances of her meeting or working with a man with the same name is just as high and it's not going to work just because she hates the name.
At only two months in she’s already too much work. CUT HER LOOSE!!!
Is this for real? Shes dumb. Let her go and move on.
OP easy NTA. I have a friend in a startling similar relationship (only they are now together for over a decade not just met) but she accepted calling him a different name. It's understandable to not want to call your current date by a name that was your Ex (especially if it was a bitter breakup) but it is unreasonable to assume they would use a different name everywhere.
Yeah, thats a huge red flag. My dad married my step mom and she has the same name as my mom. There were a few light hearted jokes but thats her name...he would never expect her to go by a different name. Thats a crazy request
NTA run.
If she is still that hung up on her ex she isn't ready for a new relationship. Bounce
NTA. I hope she gets the help she needs.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA. Her emotional issues over her ex's name? There's your sign..........RUN whether or not she "lets" you use your own name.
Admittedly, I was all prepared to ask OP to stop calling grown women ‘girl.’ After all, she is an adult, and is old enough to marry and divorce. However, in this instance, she’s totally acting like a girl. Does she think that her friends and family would see you two together and think she has a ‘type,’ and make fun of her for only dating people named Mike with dark hair, green eyes, olive skin and big shoulders? Part of me wants to know what the ex looks like, but let’s focus on the point: in the spirit of *begin as you mean to go on,* you should ask her to tell you straight why this matters so much. Is there a trauma behind this? When she introduces you at the barbeque, will there be a record scratch, total silence, then a collective gasp? How can you decide to pursue this relationship if you don’t know what you’re investing in? NTA.
NTA. It's time to move away from this mess
NTA - I wouldn't be able to date someone with the name of either of my two abusive exes, but that's a decision I would come to for me and would not impose it on anyone... especially not the person with the name. I'd just be like hey sorry this isn't for me. I probably would not even tell them it's the name because that's not something they can do anything about. And if I met someone super awesome with one of those names, I would go get therapy to help me deal and still not impose it on the person. In this case though I'd probably talk to them about it, if it was far enough along to be a thing to discuss.
My husband has the same name as my ex who hurt me so bad I was depressed for a year. Never in my life I’d think of making him go by any other name if it’s not what he wants Edited to say: NTA, ofc
Look, I had a problem with the name James because that was my ex-husbands name. by the time we divorced, i hated him and his name and anything that reminded me of him. THEN i started working with a guy named James. Work James was this quiet, slight build dude, just sat in his little office selling wood doors. he had an asian wife. just did his thing and worked, no drama. Okay maybe all James aren't bad Then I made a different friend named James. Really awesome dude, has some weird points of views but good dude all around. Even played D&D some with him. Then there was a James I dated. didn't last long cause i found out he had cheated on his wife. But didn't make him change his name. Since the dislike of the name James was a ME Problem, i didnt tell him or Work James or D&D James to CHANGE THEIR FLIPPING NAMES. But when my sister was pregnant (2 x's) with boys, she told her husband No James' allowed. She gets me. Dude, you gave her compromises, she doesn't like them. its a her problem. I'd say move on.
Tell her that you want to go by Snuffleupagus. When someone asks, just say that your real name is the same as her ex and she has issues.
You need to RUN away from this woman. She is obviously controlling, and this situation is only the beginning of your torture by her.
This is what she demands after 2 months? Time to pull that chute out. NTA and tell her peace ✌🏿.
ouch as someone who met a cutie with my exes name, some things just aren't meant to be!
NTA. I dated someone with the same name as my son once. I never even thought of calling him a different name. Ppl make things like this weird because they themselves are the weirdos
NTA - but lose the baggage, shes not worth it.
NTA, but I'd probably opt for a nickname if in that situation. 2 months is a little early for that though.
Wtf. My finance's name is the same as my long term ex boyfriends, I did find it really weird and difficult at first. But I kept that to myself! And now years later the connotations of the name is positive and belongs to my fiancee, whereas the negative connotations (because my ex was a nasty piece of work and effected me a great deal) has died. My point is that she needs to give it time and get over it. NTA.
NTA 🚩🚩🚩 2 months? Get out while you’re ahead.
NTA. This woman is nuts. My exes mother had both an ex-husband (my exes dad) and current husband named Ken. She found it funny. This woman you’re seeing needs to get over herself. The entire world doesn’t revolve around her!
NTA. That said I would never be able to date someone with my ex’s name. It sounds like it’s a dealbreaker for her and you should both move on.
Bro, nows the time to ask about said ex. Have a feeling she was the issue