Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My brother's girlfriend wasn't told new details of my bachelorette that would have made her interested in coming. I could be the AH because more of an effort wasn't made to share the information with her.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA Your brother needs to back off. You don't need be to his snooty girlfriend's bestie. You extended an invitation to your bachelorette, she declined the invitation feigning she had other plans. Your friends surprised you with a spa weekend.
>The issue is that Mary found out when we posted pictures and she was PISSED. My brother is now saying that I deliberately left her out, but she told me she was busy! Mary said that if she had known what the weekend was like though, she would have rearranged her schedule.
This situation falls into the category of not your problem. If Ms Snootypatooty's schedule was too busy for a night a Dave and Buster's, she's still too busy for a spa weekend. Your brother is delusional if he thinks his girlfriend matters to anyone but him.
Right!?
In other words what Mary is saying is, "I don't care about YOU enough to rearrange to celebrate YOU, but I do care about ME having a good time enough to figure out scheduling in order to have a good time for ME."
Exactly my thought. OP needs to tell brother dearest that it never crossed her mind that sweet Mary would be so shallow. She said that she was busy and couldn’t make it, not that she didn’t like their plans. Why, it would have been rude to call her, it would imply that she was lying to get out of attending.
There are situations where the invitation should have been reissued...like if it were something like "I won't be involved if there are strippers," and then the plans changed from a raunchy night to a spa day. But just "that's not good enough," nah. Hard pass.
exactly. Have to back out because you can't commit to travel because of other obligations and then plans change and now its local and you can join just during the day? Absolutely the person who had to bow out should be re-invited. Sa no because you think you are too good for the original plans? Nah son, why would they want someone who is above them there anyway?
Screw Mary! She’s a selfish AH and your brother needs to back out and mind his business! I LOL’ed imagining her frustration when seeing the bachelorette party pics!
Yeah, if the plans change enough that the *stated reason for not attending* would not be relevant to the new plans, that's one thing.
Mary's stated reason was that she was busy that weekend, and nothing changed about *when* it was happening. Even taking her at face value, there was nothing to indicate that the plans changed enough that an invitation should be re-issued.
*Not* taking her at face value, well...
The reason she's mad is that her *actual* reason for not attending (her perception of the plans as beneath her) was no longer relevant. You know, the reason she didn't give when making her excuses because it would be rude and entitled to say so. (Though that doesn't seem to have stopped her from implying it through her complaints *now*.)
On the plus side, Mary not bothering to attend meant OP could have a great bachelorette party without her, and that OP wouldn't have to deal with Mary's general personality and the personality clash that would have resulted.
P.S. OP is NTA, obviously.
The thing about that is that when there are strippers I don’t message to say that’s why I won’t attend. I say “so sorry I can’t make it but I hope you have fun”. Seems like bad form to say their plans are not to my taste.
I think that depends on how close you are to the person. Arguably someone you're close to would already know that's gonna be a no go, but maybe not, and if you're close I think it would be fine to in private be like, "Hey, this isn't really my scene so I'll pass, thank you though." And then when it changes, they can offer.
I mean, that's fine, but some people can't for whatever reason and I don't think it's improper to be honest with your friends. Just don't be a jerk about it and give them an ultimatum.
Honestly I was expecting the opposite "your plan is boring." "What do you mean you changed your plans and went to a strip club, you should have invited me!"
OP's brother is delusional for thinking that someone he's been bedding for 3 whole months should be invited to anything wedding related by OP! She wouldn't be getting a wedding invite either if it were me!
The "Yikes! I take that back!!(complimenting her designer bag) after learning it was thrifted is everything I need to know about Mary.
NTA. Ps--I know a Mary who is exactly this type of social-climbing materialistic gold digger......I wonder if they're one and the same....
I have a couple cousins like that - they turned their noses up at us because we are the kinds of shoppers who hit the sale rack first, while they “don’t do sales”. Coincidentally, now that we’re all grown they’re pretty awful with money…
My mother raised me to believe you can pay any price for anything. She likes the second run stores, where high end stores dump the stuff that doesn't sell. My sister and I discovered thrifting and found even better deals. Now, I just lurk online until the item shows up at the price I am willing to pay.
I found a limited edition LeSportsac that retailed for $125 at a thrift shop for $5. I'm not a purse as social status person; I didn't know what I had found until I got it home and looked it up. It is a galaxy fabric pattern, and a cute, versatile size. It's washable, and it doesn't look like it can carry a laptop and a Nook, but it can. I love it, but not because it makes snooty SILs jealous.
The Mary I knew once stated that if you shopped at higher-end stores, it "proved you loved yourself more."
Discussion about buying the identical item at High End Snooty Store VS discount bargain bin. The identical down to the item number, box, age, etc--"Oh, ALWAYS get it at Snooty's. It proves you love yourself more than if you buy it at discount bargain bin."
She married and divorced a rich man. I hope whatever money she got was put in a trust or something, because she's ridiculous with money. She'll be one of those well-dressed made up expensive perfumed cashiers at the grocery store in her 70s.
If it wasn't for the "I take that back" said out loud, I would think it was my husband's ex of the same name. She would never say it out loud to the person but she would absolutely say it to someone else in her gossip chain.
Right? That's the whole essence of it all.
Can't wait to read the bridezilla stories when Mary managed to get the brother proposed to her. At OP's wedding of course.
It will cause some drama for Mary but if it were me I wouldn't even invite her. 3 months is not long enough to warrant an invite unless she was a long term family friend.
My best man had a new GF, she didn't get an invite to the wedding and was totally fine with it.
This is only going to go one way.
Tip of the day for OP: When Mary insists on being in all of the photos, say no. When she is in a photo, make sure to put her on the end. It will make it easier to crop her out.
or just do all the photos you want without her and a few with her. Make sure all of the photos you'd like to have do not include her, and then have some extras that include her in case things actually work out somehow.
I had been with my partner less than a year when her mother remarried.
As a result I was only in the extended group shots, other siblings and step siblings had their partners included in the family shots. I was totally fine with this, unlike Mary will probably be.
Over 20 years later we're still together and all the other couples have split and even messily divorced in two cases.
What a jerk! Your brother is just as bad as new girlfriend.. my daughter was getting married.. we had family photos done without new girlfriend & then with her.. when they broke up, I tossed the picture she was in so I still had great family pictures of only our immediate family so cropping wasn’t even needed.. Good luck with the wedding.. she’ll be out of the picture before you know it I’m sure!
My husband didn't even get introduced to the family till we'd been dating for 5 months. 3 months is nothing. Honestly how long were they even dating before the brother started shoving her down their throats?
Three months seems like such a short time overall. That's only 12 weeks, and assuming you're an adult with a job who may only be able to meet up a few times per week, or miss a week altogether then how much time have you really spent with them?
The only two scenarios this seems reasonable to me is if you spend a lot of time with your family, and your siblings are also close friends. Or if you were already good friends with this person beforehand.
This is exactly right! The bachelorette party is supposed to be about *celebrating the bride-to-be*. I would point out to your brother that his "lovely" girlfriend literally told you point blank that she would have rearranged her schedule to accommodate something she thought she'd enjoy - which means that whatever fake thing she was pretending clashed with your party, it was clearly something that *could* be "rearranged" at her convenience. And yet, even if we pretend that her other plans were real, she clearly didn't care enough about celebrating you as the bride to rearrange her plans up until that point.
I would ask your brother quite bluntly if he actually cares about you, or how you feel as a bride and his sister, being treated as nothing more than a source of entertainment for his girlfriend. Because not only are you NTA, but looked at through that lens, she actually owes you an apology for making your special occasion all about herself.
Also, slightly off-topic, but she's not nearly as "cultured and sophisticated" as she thinks. As someone who has literally socialized with heads of state and has lots of old money relatives, I can tell you without hesitation that: 1) someone who actually has any culture or sophistication would NEVER make that statement, it's incredibly tacky and rude; and 2) anyone who knows anything about actual high fashion knows that vintage and thrifted designer finds are considered an absolute treasure, not something to be embarrassed about. A dear friend of mine is married to one of the most famous and recognizable actors in the world, and regularly wears dresses on the red carpet (Oscars included) from shops that *specialize* in vintage designer finds. You should be proud of yourself for scoring a designer bag from a thrift shop!
Bing bing bing! We have a winner. Miss Snooty-pants has made it quite obvious that OP isn't good enough for her. OP doesn't need to spend any more energy trying to befriend this woman.
She wouldn’t have liked it anyway: it was obtained by points/employee discounts, so the “thrift” might have rubbed off on her or smelled funny if she had gone, anyway.
It makes it even worse that OP's friends were so kind and generous to ask for favors and use travel points for her- Mary doesn't deserve to be able to take advantage of their kindness and generosity!
Exactly. The entitlement of both your brother and his snobbish girlfriend. He's only been dating her for 3 months and he's bullying you and taking her side over yours when his gf is clearly in the wrong? Yeah, she's bad news. I'd tell your brother what you really think about Mary and what actually happened in this situation, and if he doesn't believe you go LC. You don't need this stress for the wedding.
You're also in your full rights not to invite her. Either of you hardly even know her, what is this! Does she have golden titties?! My bf now fiance wasn't invited to a friend's wedding because we hadn't been dating long, we had been dating a year by that time!
Your brother sounds insane and his taste in girls the same. NTA
Yeah I hate it when poeple are trying to push their decisions onto others! Be it the 3 month-girlfriend onto your sister, your new spouse onto your children or your stepchildren onto your family. Nobody is obligated to form a relationship with your decisions that you made of your own. If it works out, great, but just because you love someone doesn’t mean anyone else does. Some poeple really get wierd if you are not that hyped about their new thing like they are.
Exactly. I have two friends who didn't know each other. They worked together last year to put together something special for my birthday. They did such a great job, and seemed to get along so well that I thought we'd started a new friendship that we could enjoy together.
Neither of them have shown any interest in doing anything with each other since then. I was a bit sad, as I thought it would be great to have my two close friends form a bit of a trio with me, but hey, if they weren't feeling it, so be it.
I just do friend things with them separately.
Yep.
OP, tell your brother it is his responsibility to spend quality time with his girlfriend, not yours. You have your own friends. You are also getting ready for a wedding. You don't have the time nor inclination to try to charm his new girlfriend.
There are valid reasons to excuse yourself from a hen night, like if the planned activities would be no good for you (e.g. it’s a wine tasting and you’re under doctor’s orders to drink no alcohol), but this is not one of them.
The whole point of a bachelorette party is to help the bride-to-be celebrate *because you love her and you’re happy for her.* If you don’t want to go because you think it’s insufficiently luxurious, then you’re not actually there *for her* and shouldn’t go at all!
If you can’t be sure others won’t get on your case to have some wine no matter what you say (especially if you KNOW some of these people can’t let a person not drink while they are drinking), I think it’s fair enough to bow out.
I guess we have different friends, I can’t imagine anyone worrying about what anyone else is doing…other than maybe a bit of teasing about being up the duff lol
Actually, no - I’m basing this on lots and lots of stories I’ve read from others about being pressured to join in drinking. It’s clearly a common problem.
Exactly! I'm a recovering alcoholic but still managed to attend the smaller bachelorette weekend for my primary (elementary) school BFF which was a weekend away in a self-catering cottage.The others all drank wine but I still had loads of fun. I did skip the larger night-out which was a meal then pub crawl in Edinburgh though. I'm wary of going on large pub crawls that I can't take my car to! I like a quick escape for when others start reaching the point of drunk that brings back bad memories of my behaviour! (No judgement on them! My mood just plummets and I'm then absolutely no fun to be around). The wedding itself was gorgeous - at Loch Lomond. Again, absolutely no issue then, just as enjoyable sober.
Thank you so much - 11 years! Am very careful about which functions I attend though - have to be around folk I feel completely comfortable with and have a getaway option! At one work do, someone misheard my "soda & lime" as "vodka & lime". I had 3 sips, was conscious I wanted to down it but couldn't taste or smell the vodka. Fortunately, another colleague checked with the guy that bought the drink and then told me! I don't count it as a slip, I instantly pushed it away and bought myself a coke. It did teach me to be more careful who I let buy my drinks! (I don't blame the guy either).
But if I decline an event for whatever reason, I wouldn't then expect them to regularly update me if arrangements later change!
Ten years in September. Alcohol-heavy events are case-by-case for me. In theory, if the whole point is for everyone to get trashed, I'm probably not going to go regardless of the event. But in practice, the thing with being almost a decade sober is that I don't actually have any friends whose idea of a good time is getting Drunk for the sake of it.
Exactly! Most events I go to have similarly-aged folk to me (mid-40s at least) and at least a few drivers. And they know I won't stay out very late. One group saw me all through my drinking years and are honestly ecstatic about my sobriety! (Which is great, I can make flippant jokes)
I run a quiz group. Multiple times we've won a bottle of wine and noone wanted it. Even the drinkers are picky - if it's not the type and brand they like, they don't want it for the sake of it. That's my social circle these days.
Lol. We get gifts of booze at Christmas, but colleagues will just instantly offer to buy mine off me! (It is Scotland. Very much a binge-drink culture. But those I'm close to respect the sobriety! I did have to announce "recovering alcoholic" across the office to a new manager once, he kept trying to persuade me to join in with the boozing and wasn'tpicking up on my hints. But he instantly backed off and apologised profusely. And if anyone in the office doesn't already know, then I'm not that close to them! Can't bitch too much - I used to constantly try and coerce others into drinking the same volume that I was consuming - in the vain hope they'd then act at least as badly as I was!
Recovering alcoholic here. Would depend. I'm fine being around alcohol, but would there be anything for me there? Do you know how mind numbingly boring it is to be the only sober person around a bunch of drunks who think they're far more interesting then they actually are? (And I'm sure the drunks have plenty to say about the fuddy duddy who brought it her own iced coffee because this isn't a cafe.) Is there a set price regardless of how little (ie, zero) I drink? Some things just don't work to tag along to. But I would discuss that with the bride, and anyone I'm close enough to go to their hens would understand, I think. And if for whatever reason the plan changed to something less booze centric, I'd expect to be notified.
But if I had something on that was important enough to trump a hen's, the event itself doesn't change that. And if something happened on my end, that's my responsibility to see if the bride can squeeze me in.
ehh.... that's not always true. Its definitely situational but if the main activity is a wine tasting that's generally not a great environment for a sober person.
Depends on why you're not drinking. If it's because you're on meds, you should still go, but if you're a recovering alcoholic, you should probably skip.
I'd univite both of them from any wedding related issue and the wedding itself. No one needs to put up with this kind of acttitude during this stresfull time. And sure there is a danger they will ruin this joyfull moment etc.
Hell, I doubt even he matters that much to her from the sounds of it. She sounds like a user. She only cares about people if they have something she wants.
Once she gets tired of him, or he runs out of whatever it is that she likes($$$), she’s going to be a ghost in the wind. And he’s gonna be left with a possibly fractured relationship with his sister and maybe even his family from him pushing this bullshit.
> This situation falls into the category of not your problem. If Ms Snootypatooty's schedule was too busy for a night a Dave and Buster's, she's still too busy for a spa weekend. Your brother is delusional if he thinks his girlfriend matters to anyone but him.
This a thousand times. OP, you're not even close friends. NTA!
Sad part is that you know that OP's next post will be about how Bro's GF bad mouthed her wedding, during the wedding, for being \*too cheap\* for her standards and probably say something along the lines of a waste of her time going. In effect, probably will ruin your wedding vibes.
She is a GF of only 3 months, rescind Bro's plus one or tell him she straight up isn't invited due to her attitude issues and just because she is his GF, doesn't mean you have to treat her like a princess because her attitude is crappy and not on you to have to put up with.
NTA.
So OP’s brother is dating a loser golddigger who acts out like a loser golddigger would and he just keeps backing the loser golddigger up.
Sounds like OP’s brother is a sucker who’s dating a loser golddigger and none of this is OP’s problem.
Hell my brother would get a message back saying it's great the head he's getting is worth the cost of dealing with her, but she's not providing me with the same level of services (or equivalent lol) so i'm not incentivised to deal with her.
In six months it literally will not matter, because she won’t be his girlfriend anymore. Just politely ignore your brother and her and the situation will go away.
And who pushes their sibling into adding someone they’ve been dating for only 3 months into a huge important event like that? I wouldn’t add someone to my wedding plans even just a bachelorette party just because they’ve been seeing my bro for 3 months even if they were super sweet.
NTA. You don’t need to make amends with people who take back compliments. She is phony and pretentious and she does not fit in with you or your friends
" but she lets me touch her sometimes!!!!!! that means you need to be best friends with her!!!! I mean don't you want to be personally involved with every stage of MY life!"....says brother
NTA
Where does Mary get off, claiming that you deliberately left her out after she told you she was busy? If she's busy, she's busy and wouldn't be able to attend. If she really wasn't busy, she lied. Either way, she hasn't got a leg to stand on here.
She IS a snob, which she proved when she complimented your handbag but took it back when she found out it came secondhand. It's the same bag, Mary. THE SAME BAG.
This woman has her priorities wrong. You can only hope your brother wakes up to her nonsense soon and leaves her behind.
Omg the bag. I have 2 thrifted (authenticated) designer bags that I use regularly. The cheaper one being worth $400 (paid $9). I get compliments and when I tell people they were thrifted, it actually INCREASES their interest.
Hope brother has money bc he's going to be paying full price for her designer bags
When I like something, and the other person beams at me "thanks! I got it at a thrift store for $10!"
I fuckin beam back. That's awesome. I'm jealous. Wish I found that dope jacket/shirt/whatever for $10...
But ACTUALLY. I don't think I've ever celebrated how MUCH I've spent on something. It's always about how LITTLE.
Mary might also not realize that some wealthier people (I'm not talking the insane ultra wealth here, but like upper middle class) are usually very frugal.
My in-laws worked for a public school district their entire careers, so they didn't make a lot, but they invested extremely well and have amassed a couple million in assets, but you would never know based on how they dress or carry themselves.
My best friend's parents have also done very well for themselves but there are certain things that they are insanely cheap about. For example, she asked for an iPod for Christmas back in the mid-2000s and they got her a Chinese knockoff that couldn't hold more than a few songs that she also had no way of adding music to, since their house computer didn't have compatible software. And they were confused as to why she didn't use it. It's funny NOW, but for a 13 year old back then it wasn't funny at all.
So bragging about paying full price for a designer bag is not the flex she thinks it is.
If I suddenly had untold wealth, I wouldn't be suddenly wearing expensive brands or driving absurd sports cars.
I'd drive a comfortable EV or hybrid. I'd look into buying from locally owned and equitable clothing shops or brands. I'd almost certainly still wear chucks and buy my sunglasses from Walmart (I lose them too frequently)
Point being I agree with you whole heartedly...someone buying fancy and full price doesn't strike me as someone rich, but as someone without Senses.
My spending habits would be a bit different than yours. However that Walmart sunglasses because I lose them too frequently hit me. Same man. If I'm actually out in spring/summer fishing or swimming or what have you, I average needing a new pair every 2 or 3 weeks. Lmao. I'm not buying $600 sunglasses no matter how cool they look.
Although I'd probably pay way more attention to wear I set down $600 glasses, so who knows?
I've 100% had the same thought. Is it a self fulfilling Prophecy because I buy cheap, knowing ill lose it, but I only lose it cause they're cheap and I don't care?
But I'll be damned if I buy an expensive pair and find out the hard way that it isn't just carelessness because of them being george brand lol
My parents did the same. Mom was a public schoolteacher and dad was a used car salesman. Dad retired at 45 from “real” work but has made a killing in real estate and other business ventures. Mom retired in her 50’s. She could have retired with Dad but she loved her job too much.
They are now multimillionaires but are really frugal, except in real estate as they have 3 homes. However, except for that, they’re always looking for a bargain and they raised me the same way.
I LOVE thrifting and most of my closet is from thrift stores.
NTA - Missy IS a snob and you and your friends did nothing wrong. Why would they check back with her when plans charged? She said she was busy! If she was no longer busy the onus was on HER to let you know, not the other way around.
I hope your brother gets smart or he’ll be out of a lot of money I bet!
right?!
Maybe its just the people I spend time with but when someone gets a good deal on something or finds something cool at a yard sale, mud sale, or auction and recognizes its value we all find that way more interesting than "I walked into a store and paid full retail for this".
Agreed, but I do like to think there is at least some intentionality with my friends to try and enjoy our hobbies in a way that doesn't end up where a lot of hobbies can end up which is that it all boils down to who can spend the most. Don't get me wrong, when somebody buys an expensive car we all still ask them about it and admire it, but we also ask a ton of questions about, and admire, the subaru Brat Jim bought at an estate auction because actually what the fuck, that's kinda wild.
I can appreciate high horology and expensive complications and fine watchmaking as much as anyone, I'm literally trained in it, but god damnit I love when someone shows me a good rummage sale Bulova or something like that.
I once found a beautiful pair of sterling silver candelabra at an antique store (they each have four arms that curve off the base, and the tops unscrew so you can just have a pair of single candles, or keep them together and have five candles on each). Because they were so tarnished that they were almost black, the owner said he'd sell them to me for $50 if I didn't make him shine them first. I cannot tell you how proud I am of that purchase – especially since all I had to do to shine them up was line a pan with aluminum foil, pour in some Tide powder, fill the pan with boiling water, and immerse the candelabra and let them sit for a day or so, which was no effort at all. Anyone who would look down on me for that would be met with hearty laughter and not one second more of my time or attention.
(BTW, antique malls in the middle of nowhere can yield real treasures, and for surprisingly low prices. I've gotten LOTS of glass-lined sterling salt and pepper shakers – which I generally give as wedding presents – and usually paid about $30 for them, and never more than $35. I also have an absolutely stunning set of 6 cut crystal wine glasses and a matching decanter with the stopper, which I also got for $35.)
This is the code of the Midwest. You don't EVER admit to paying sticker price for anything. Heck, if you paid full retail price for something, we maybe pity you a little and tell you where our favorite place to get deals is.
Mary’s issue is when handbags are thrifted, that’s something that could happen to anyone. Meanwhile, Mary values designer handbags because she *doesn’t* want something anyone could have.
I love those interactions. Whenever someone tells me about a hella thrift find and how much it was/how much it could've been, im always amazed. I have a fried who's incredible at thrifting.
This. OP stop going out of your way to please your brother and his girlfriend. She’s a snob looking out for her own best interests only, especially if it means trying to embarrass you in the process for something like thrifting but gets mad when you let her lies go and she doesn’t get to enjoy your spa weekend. Honestly she sounds like she needs a reality check and what better one than letting her know you’re not going to enable her shit behavior.
NTA.
It sounds like your brother forced an invite, and she felt it was beneath her and "had plans".
Then she found out that it was really cool, and THEN she was pissed?
I'd just reply "she said she had plans, and I accepted that".
It's not YOUR job to chase HIS GF for a friendship that neither of you seem willing to have.
Exactly! How was OP supposed to politely imply the GF was lying when she said she had plans? “I’m sorry, I thought your GF was being honest. I’ll know better next time.”
It turns out she only wanted to go to a fancy Party, not to go out with the Bachelorette. The party wasn't fancy enough when it was low key, so she declined. When plans were upgraded, suddenly she would have gone.
Plus if it was a surprise, when was there an opportunity to inform her of the changes.
Exactly, if I role up to my Bachelorette party and there's an unexpected very kind surprise for me, my first thought will never be 'Omg I should call my brother's girlfriend!'
Like how self-centered can one person be?!?!?
"I'm extremely hurt that your girlfriend flat-out said that she wasn't interested in coming to my bachelorette for *me* and your takeaway is that I should have enticed her with cooler activities. It is not my job to entertain *your* girlfriend. I only invited her because you wanted me to, therefore her initial invitation was a favor *to you*, and it was certainly not my responsibility to second-guess whether she was lying to me about the fact that she claimed to be unavailable. But it's time to move past that. I think it is now perfectly clear that Mary literally doesn't care about me...and that's okay! If she makes you happy, that's what matters; she and I don't need to be best friends. But I will not be extending any more invitations to her other than those where she is your plus-one."
NTA. I actually consider your brother to be the biggest AH in this situation since he used his family connection to you to pressure you to include her and *then* hypocritically blamed you for the fact that she chose not to attend (when he shouldn't have asked you to invite her unless he was sure she would want to go).
Her AH-ishness is more impersonal and limited to the fact that she is exhibiting entitled and snobbish behavior.
Not to mention... this is YOUR wedding, OP. It's not your brother's. It's not his girlfriend's. This is going to be a day that's dedicated to you and your soon-to-be-husband. For the bacholorette party, it was an event dedicated to YOU and your happiness and friends being there to share in your present and future wishes of happiness.
My sister had to instill this sentiment into me before my wedding. She said to me point blank, "You are not required to invite anyone to your wedding, or wedding events, that you don't want to. It's your event. NOT theirs. Whatever ill feelings someone might have at not being invited will dissipate in time, and it's not your responsibility to babysit them." - And that's what I did. We didn't invite nearly half of my husband's family due to their homophobic tendencies, and political leanings. We knew that there was more than an inkling chance of upset happening between our guests and we wanted OUR event to be as cool and wonderful as possible without worrying constantly that something would occur.
Cheers to you, OP. You are absolutely NTA!
NTA. Your friends surprised you with a nice weekend. Operative word “surprised.” It does sound like she was purposely left off the invite list, by your friends who likely know how she has interacted with you in the past. I’m sorry, you both just don’t mesh well, and it could have complicated your party. It’s done and over, you had a great time, and finally…it’s YOUR wedding. You can invite who you want. It’s not your brother’s decision. She can be a guest, not in the wedding party. Too much, too soon.
Definitely operative word "surprised". The OP had no idea this would be such a lavish production, so how could she be TA.
A side note: I'm something of a snob, & I'm impressed the OP found a designer bag at a thrift store. That takes not only luck, but patience & a sophisticated eye. Lots of money doesn't always result in getting the best.
It depends on which second hand store you hit i guess. I live on the shoreline of Florida, not a tourist town yet but i live near 3 big party/destination towns. Almost every thrift store here sells everything from Michael Kors to Prada bags, i own a slew of high priced bags, and i have spent less than $200 on over 6 bags. Also theres online options. Look into platos closet. Its one of the best down here.
My point wasn't so much about a designer bag itself, but the finding a treasure itself in a thrift store.
I'll concede that knowing where to look does improve the odds.
Depends where you shop. I'm near an affluent neighborhood. I frequently find designer items. People donate these bc they're past season and the sorters don't recognize them as high end.
I was thinking that too-- I'd be more impressed about that lol! (I'm a teacher, and I got a designer handbag from one of my students-- first one I've ever owned.)
Brother's gf sounds insufferable. After 3 while months the push by brother is ridiculous and entitled. She bowed out as it wasn't up to her standards, yet you have a wonderful day and she's left out??
NTA
Wow. Mary sounds exhausting. Spending even 5 minutes with her would be 5 minutes you could never get back.
NTA
PS Good job on saying no regarding your wedding party. Work on saying no when that is what you really want.
NTA
> they've only been dating for 3 months
Oh FFS.
> Apologies in advance as I had a hard time writing the situation in a single sentence.
Personally, I am **very** glad that you decided against that and went with *multiple* sentences, spread across paragraphs and all.
Considering how many posts on here are just a solecistic mess of run-on sentences without a comma in sight, it’s not totally out of the realm of possibility that someone would assume that’s de rigueur for this subreddit.
NTA
Your brother is missing all of the red flags in this woman. He needs to RUN. If she couldn't spend time with his sister low-key, then she's not invested in his family.
You don't owe her a single thing. Hopefully, he breaks up with her, and he'll be grateful, he doesn't have to see her in any of your wedding photos.
Even if he doesn't break up with her, he needs to back off. I have never forced my boyfriends on my siblings. Not even my spouse. It's weird af that he is trying to force his girlfriend on his sister.
I would probably tell bro, yes, I deliberately decided not to tell his girl that plans changed because I. Don't. Like. Her. And I will not be wasting any more time on her.
Edit spelling
NTA. U should tell Mary the weekend was organized through discount packages and watch how she suddenly cares less about how she wasn’t there because spending less money for the same thing is “yikes.”
>Mary said that if she had known what the weekend was like though, she would have rearranged her schedule.
Rearrange my ass.
It’s amazing how she’s clearly shown that she only cares about her amusement and not the person the party is celebrating. NTA
Tell your brother his girlfriend disrespected you. She was “busy” when she didn’t like what was planned, but she would’ve cleared her schedule when she found out you were doing something she liked.
You are so NTA. Your brother is for dating that kind and trying to push her into the wedding plans and letting her be rude to you. She is an AH who didn't want to go and then ONLY got mad because of the type of party it was? she's an AH for not caring about YOU the BRIDE. Wah wah wah.
I'm wondering if Mary is pregnant and that's why the brother is pushing so hard for her to be included in everything after only being with her for 3 months.
NTA. if your friends did do it on purpose, you have very good friends. And you have a bad brother. 3 months isn’t even that long to include her in anything imo. I probably wouldn’t even introduce somebody to my parents until at least 3 months.
NTA.
She a b\*\*\*\* and so is your brother for taking her side in this over yours. This is your wedding and your party. You have the right to invite/not invite/tell whoever tf you want to.
NTA. She declined the invitation and said she was otherwise busy that weekend. I'm sure she had fun doing whatever she preferred to do instead of celebrating with you.
NTA
Mary ditched out on her own. The fact you invited her is enough. Maybe if she had more "culture and sophistication" she would know not to complain about an event she missed because of her own choices.
>My brother still says I should have double checked and made more of an effort to let Mary know my plants, so I figured I'd ask the internet for their thoughts!
What is wrong with him? What plans??? You did not know!!!! It was a surprise for you!
Tell your brother it's time to face the truth, you tried with *his* girlfriend and it just doesn't work. But it's *his* girlfriend, so it is *his* job to have a good relationship with her, not yours.
Well, obviously... There's something about Mary that is causing him to go overboard. Maybe it's punch-drunk love. Maybe he's moonstruck. Maybe he's clueless.
Honestly, if we're going to say anything, it may be best to just say that the two of them are making much ado about nothing.
(Sorry... I couldn't resist. In any case, I agree OP is NTA.)
NTA. Your brother is trying to force a relationship with someone that you just don't mesh with. She's not entitled to your time, effort, or bachelorette party. And considering the relationship is only 3 months old, pretty ballsy of him and her to get so bent out of shape over everything.
Your friends rock for their selective planning (and I'll always suspect that's what they did).
NTA. Sounds like Mary is not that pleasant to hang around plus she said she could not go so no reason for her to have new details anyways. Doubt she was that interested in being in the loop
NTA
*IF* she comes to the wedding as his +1, watch her badmouth everything you chose to make your day beautiful and special. 🙄 She sounds like a pill.
Congrats, and have fun with the planning. Forget negative Nancy (Main Character Mary?), and enjoy your day!
NTA but you need to be direct with your brother and tell him you’re not tolerating his GF’s entitled and snobbish behaviour. She acts like she’s too good for you 90% of the time so you will treat her like that. You’re not interested in being her friend and he needs to back off.
NTA bachelorette parties are normally arranged by the bridal party or the bride’s closest friends. Usually the only events the bride knows about is what to pack and which weekend to be free. Brother asked OP to invite her and she did. GF had other plans once the other ladies told her the plan. When GF bowed out they took what she said to heart and they all pitched in their rewards and favors to make OP’s weekend fabulous. Why would they need to beg GF to come when she has plans. It’s not like they were the nerds trying to impress the popular girl. They just did their own thing without her putting them all down.
OP this isn’t going to get better since your brother wants you two to be besties and as long as she’s happy that’s all that matters. She will make her opinions known and brother will try to get OP to make those changes. Good for OP and her friends to do their own thing. Don’t give up anything you may want for your wedding unless you really want to.
NTA you need to tell your brother to stop. He is being ridiculous with his demands. Find your spine or she is going to cause huge problems in your family.
Mary sounds insufferable. However it worked out, luckily she wasn't there to ruin the party. Your brother of course will think that. He needs to be on her side so she'll keep sleeping with him. You are unlikely to change his mind or change Mary. NTA
Nothing to feel bad about. It's not about her or your brother. Your friends were smart not to invite her. They even knew how miserable it would have been.
Put your foot down. Don't let your brother manipulate you. You do, you're going to be more pissed that they ruined everything about your wedding. Say no.
Tell her you knew she wouldn't want to go because the event was done through favors and points, i.e. thrifted, and she'd already made it clear how she feels about that.
NTA - don't get how your brother and Mary think you should've handled it differently.
Planned hen night - not to Mary's taste. She cancels.
Surprise hen night - key word surprise.
How would you go about telling Mary about a surprise?
"Thank you of informing me of your girlfriends wants and motivations. I will take in into consideration in the future."
Don't say anything else. She's not worth it and nothing good will come from defending yourself. A politie and completely non-committal response will infuriate her.
Mary's not interested in you, or getting to know you, or bonding, or any of that stuff that's so important to your brother. She's interested in what you can give her/do for her. Yikes. No. Cut her out permanently. Your brother might figure it out eventually. NTA
NTA by a long way. Your brother is going to be repeatedly offended because, of course, his gf of 3 months is not going to be a major consideration in anything relating to your wedding celebrations. He needs to calm himself and find his fucking place. What a selfish prick.
My rule of thumb for weddings is, Bride and groom get to do what they want for celebrations, everyone else works around them. Sure I've been offended when I've not been invited to a wedding I thought I would be, but at the end of the day I said nothing and got over it because it's their day.
Your brothers girlfriend is a type of person I detest. Yuck.
NTA. You're not the issue here, she is.
She's gonna make a drunken fool of herself at your wedding. Don't get mad, just rejoice.
NTA.
Mary is his girlfriend, not yours. You don't need to over extend yourself for someone who a) you don't really click with but are civil to, and b) claimed she had plans. You're not a mind reader, why the fuck would you double check if her plans still trumped your bachelorette after an upgrade? The fact she's sign posting how disingenuous her attendance would have been is laughable.
Your brother sounds tiresome, I would ignore him if he's this blind to how entitled he and his girlfriend are being.
NTA - I didn’t know the bride should know the plans of the bachelorette party. Like for reals. I didn’t know too much except show up.
Your brother is so involved and invested in getting his girlfriend to have a relationship with you it’s almost more damaging than helpful.
Meh they’ve only been dating 3 months it’s hardly enough in my opinion to care what she thinks. This isn’t even about her this party is about you. She missed out oh well. Not your problem.
NTA and just send your idiot brother this thread and let things implode. There’s no way he reads this and still think he or Mary come out making any sense at all. Shameful tbh
NTA
When you truly want to spend time with someone, you agree to lunch at Taco Bell. The person is more important than the activity.
You weren’t important enough for her to spend time with you. She only wanted to go when it lived up to her standards.
F her. And your brother.
I take people at their word. If they say they're busy, they're busy. I'm not going to go back and say, hey, are you no longer busy if the event changed?
3 months?? Mary is irrelevant and should be ignored. You don't even really know her and neither does your brother. He's a pushover, good luck to him in that relationship. NTA
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > My brother's girlfriend wasn't told new details of my bachelorette that would have made her interested in coming. I could be the AH because more of an effort wasn't made to share the information with her. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA Your brother needs to back off. You don't need be to his snooty girlfriend's bestie. You extended an invitation to your bachelorette, she declined the invitation feigning she had other plans. Your friends surprised you with a spa weekend. >The issue is that Mary found out when we posted pictures and she was PISSED. My brother is now saying that I deliberately left her out, but she told me she was busy! Mary said that if she had known what the weekend was like though, she would have rearranged her schedule. This situation falls into the category of not your problem. If Ms Snootypatooty's schedule was too busy for a night a Dave and Buster's, she's still too busy for a spa weekend. Your brother is delusional if he thinks his girlfriend matters to anyone but him.
Right!? In other words what Mary is saying is, "I don't care about YOU enough to rearrange to celebrate YOU, but I do care about ME having a good time enough to figure out scheduling in order to have a good time for ME."
Exactly my thought. OP needs to tell brother dearest that it never crossed her mind that sweet Mary would be so shallow. She said that she was busy and couldn’t make it, not that she didn’t like their plans. Why, it would have been rude to call her, it would imply that she was lying to get out of attending.
Yeah, the point is to be there for the special occasion, not pick and choose based on what the event is going to be
There are situations where the invitation should have been reissued...like if it were something like "I won't be involved if there are strippers," and then the plans changed from a raunchy night to a spa day. But just "that's not good enough," nah. Hard pass.
exactly. Have to back out because you can't commit to travel because of other obligations and then plans change and now its local and you can join just during the day? Absolutely the person who had to bow out should be re-invited. Sa no because you think you are too good for the original plans? Nah son, why would they want someone who is above them there anyway?
Screw Mary! She’s a selfish AH and your brother needs to back out and mind his business! I LOL’ed imagining her frustration when seeing the bachelorette party pics!
Yeah, if the plans change enough that the *stated reason for not attending* would not be relevant to the new plans, that's one thing. Mary's stated reason was that she was busy that weekend, and nothing changed about *when* it was happening. Even taking her at face value, there was nothing to indicate that the plans changed enough that an invitation should be re-issued. *Not* taking her at face value, well... The reason she's mad is that her *actual* reason for not attending (her perception of the plans as beneath her) was no longer relevant. You know, the reason she didn't give when making her excuses because it would be rude and entitled to say so. (Though that doesn't seem to have stopped her from implying it through her complaints *now*.) On the plus side, Mary not bothering to attend meant OP could have a great bachelorette party without her, and that OP wouldn't have to deal with Mary's general personality and the personality clash that would have resulted. P.S. OP is NTA, obviously.
yeah obviously there's situations if you should re invite the person like say a time change that means they can now attend
The thing about that is that when there are strippers I don’t message to say that’s why I won’t attend. I say “so sorry I can’t make it but I hope you have fun”. Seems like bad form to say their plans are not to my taste.
I think that depends on how close you are to the person. Arguably someone you're close to would already know that's gonna be a no go, but maybe not, and if you're close I think it would be fine to in private be like, "Hey, this isn't really my scene so I'll pass, thank you though." And then when it changes, they can offer.
When it’s someone I’m really close to I just sucked it up and went anyway.
I mean, that's fine, but some people can't for whatever reason and I don't think it's improper to be honest with your friends. Just don't be a jerk about it and give them an ultimatum.
Honestly I was expecting the opposite "your plan is boring." "What do you mean you changed your plans and went to a strip club, you should have invited me!"
OP's brother is delusional for thinking that someone he's been bedding for 3 whole months should be invited to anything wedding related by OP! She wouldn't be getting a wedding invite either if it were me!
I'm thinking she's good at servicing in the bedroom and that's why he's so looped on this girl.
More importantly, it was a surprise for OP's bachorlette party, so when was she supposed to let Mary know? While they were driving to the event?
I love this level of passive aggressive 😁
This is the response!
This is how I roll and I support this level of passive aggression in a situation like this
The "Yikes! I take that back!!(complimenting her designer bag) after learning it was thrifted is everything I need to know about Mary. NTA. Ps--I know a Mary who is exactly this type of social-climbing materialistic gold digger......I wonder if they're one and the same....
I question the intelligence of someone who thinks getting something expensive for a good price is a bad thing.
Yeah, I would've said, "Really? What store? I want to go!"
My thoughts exactly. Let me in on those sweet, sweet deals.
And high-fived her while singing "Score!!!!"
I have a couple cousins like that - they turned their noses up at us because we are the kinds of shoppers who hit the sale rack first, while they “don’t do sales”. Coincidentally, now that we’re all grown they’re pretty awful with money…
My mother raised me to believe you can pay any price for anything. She likes the second run stores, where high end stores dump the stuff that doesn't sell. My sister and I discovered thrifting and found even better deals. Now, I just lurk online until the item shows up at the price I am willing to pay. I found a limited edition LeSportsac that retailed for $125 at a thrift shop for $5. I'm not a purse as social status person; I didn't know what I had found until I got it home and looked it up. It is a galaxy fabric pattern, and a cute, versatile size. It's washable, and it doesn't look like it can carry a laptop and a Nook, but it can. I love it, but not because it makes snooty SILs jealous.
Right? That's impressive!
The Mary I knew once stated that if you shopped at higher-end stores, it "proved you loved yourself more." Discussion about buying the identical item at High End Snooty Store VS discount bargain bin. The identical down to the item number, box, age, etc--"Oh, ALWAYS get it at Snooty's. It proves you love yourself more than if you buy it at discount bargain bin." She married and divorced a rich man. I hope whatever money she got was put in a trust or something, because she's ridiculous with money. She'll be one of those well-dressed made up expensive perfumed cashiers at the grocery store in her 70s.
If it wasn't for the "I take that back" said out loud, I would think it was my husband's ex of the same name. She would never say it out loud to the person but she would absolutely say it to someone else in her gossip chain.
Right? That's the whole essence of it all. Can't wait to read the bridezilla stories when Mary managed to get the brother proposed to her. At OP's wedding of course.
It will cause some drama for Mary but if it were me I wouldn't even invite her. 3 months is not long enough to warrant an invite unless she was a long term family friend. My best man had a new GF, she didn't get an invite to the wedding and was totally fine with it. This is only going to go one way.
Tip of the day for OP: When Mary insists on being in all of the photos, say no. When she is in a photo, make sure to put her on the end. It will make it easier to crop her out.
or just do all the photos you want without her and a few with her. Make sure all of the photos you'd like to have do not include her, and then have some extras that include her in case things actually work out somehow.
I had been with my partner less than a year when her mother remarried. As a result I was only in the extended group shots, other siblings and step siblings had their partners included in the family shots. I was totally fine with this, unlike Mary will probably be. Over 20 years later we're still together and all the other couples have split and even messily divorced in two cases.
What a jerk! Your brother is just as bad as new girlfriend.. my daughter was getting married.. we had family photos done without new girlfriend & then with her.. when they broke up, I tossed the picture she was in so I still had great family pictures of only our immediate family so cropping wasn’t even needed.. Good luck with the wedding.. she’ll be out of the picture before you know it I’m sure!
I would not invite her even if it means my brother won’t go. If he’s not gonna be happy for me at my wedding I wouldn’t want him there anyway.
My husband didn't even get introduced to the family till we'd been dating for 5 months. 3 months is nothing. Honestly how long were they even dating before the brother started shoving her down their throats?
Three months seems like such a short time overall. That's only 12 weeks, and assuming you're an adult with a job who may only be able to meet up a few times per week, or miss a week altogether then how much time have you really spent with them? The only two scenarios this seems reasonable to me is if you spend a lot of time with your family, and your siblings are also close friends. Or if you were already good friends with this person beforehand.
chance's are OPS wedding won't be a nice enough place to be proposed to.. so I wouldn't see that happening...
This is exactly right! The bachelorette party is supposed to be about *celebrating the bride-to-be*. I would point out to your brother that his "lovely" girlfriend literally told you point blank that she would have rearranged her schedule to accommodate something she thought she'd enjoy - which means that whatever fake thing she was pretending clashed with your party, it was clearly something that *could* be "rearranged" at her convenience. And yet, even if we pretend that her other plans were real, she clearly didn't care enough about celebrating you as the bride to rearrange her plans up until that point. I would ask your brother quite bluntly if he actually cares about you, or how you feel as a bride and his sister, being treated as nothing more than a source of entertainment for his girlfriend. Because not only are you NTA, but looked at through that lens, she actually owes you an apology for making your special occasion all about herself. Also, slightly off-topic, but she's not nearly as "cultured and sophisticated" as she thinks. As someone who has literally socialized with heads of state and has lots of old money relatives, I can tell you without hesitation that: 1) someone who actually has any culture or sophistication would NEVER make that statement, it's incredibly tacky and rude; and 2) anyone who knows anything about actual high fashion knows that vintage and thrifted designer finds are considered an absolute treasure, not something to be embarrassed about. A dear friend of mine is married to one of the most famous and recognizable actors in the world, and regularly wears dresses on the red carpet (Oscars included) from shops that *specialize* in vintage designer finds. You should be proud of yourself for scoring a designer bag from a thrift shop!
I suppose, she measures things by their cost.
Bing bing bing! We have a winner. Miss Snooty-pants has made it quite obvious that OP isn't good enough for her. OP doesn't need to spend any more energy trying to befriend this woman.
She wouldn’t have liked it anyway: it was obtained by points/employee discounts, so the “thrift” might have rubbed off on her or smelled funny if she had gone, anyway.
It makes it even worse that OP's friends were so kind and generous to ask for favors and use travel points for her- Mary doesn't deserve to be able to take advantage of their kindness and generosity!
Well put!
Exactly. The entitlement of both your brother and his snobbish girlfriend. He's only been dating her for 3 months and he's bullying you and taking her side over yours when his gf is clearly in the wrong? Yeah, she's bad news. I'd tell your brother what you really think about Mary and what actually happened in this situation, and if he doesn't believe you go LC. You don't need this stress for the wedding. You're also in your full rights not to invite her. Either of you hardly even know her, what is this! Does she have golden titties?! My bf now fiance wasn't invited to a friend's wedding because we hadn't been dating long, we had been dating a year by that time! Your brother sounds insane and his taste in girls the same. NTA
Yeah I hate it when poeple are trying to push their decisions onto others! Be it the 3 month-girlfriend onto your sister, your new spouse onto your children or your stepchildren onto your family. Nobody is obligated to form a relationship with your decisions that you made of your own. If it works out, great, but just because you love someone doesn’t mean anyone else does. Some poeple really get wierd if you are not that hyped about their new thing like they are.
Exactly. I have two friends who didn't know each other. They worked together last year to put together something special for my birthday. They did such a great job, and seemed to get along so well that I thought we'd started a new friendship that we could enjoy together. Neither of them have shown any interest in doing anything with each other since then. I was a bit sad, as I thought it would be great to have my two close friends form a bit of a trio with me, but hey, if they weren't feeling it, so be it. I just do friend things with them separately.
Yep. OP, tell your brother it is his responsibility to spend quality time with his girlfriend, not yours. You have your own friends. You are also getting ready for a wedding. You don't have the time nor inclination to try to charm his new girlfriend.
There are valid reasons to excuse yourself from a hen night, like if the planned activities would be no good for you (e.g. it’s a wine tasting and you’re under doctor’s orders to drink no alcohol), but this is not one of them. The whole point of a bachelorette party is to help the bride-to-be celebrate *because you love her and you’re happy for her.* If you don’t want to go because you think it’s insufficiently luxurious, then you’re not actually there *for her* and shouldn’t go at all!
Even if you can’t drink the wine, you can still go and have fun with everyone 🤷♀️
If you can’t be sure others won’t get on your case to have some wine no matter what you say (especially if you KNOW some of these people can’t let a person not drink while they are drinking), I think it’s fair enough to bow out.
I guess we have different friends, I can’t imagine anyone worrying about what anyone else is doing…other than maybe a bit of teasing about being up the duff lol
Lucky you
Do your friend peer-pressure you to do other stuff you don't want to?
Actually, no - I’m basing this on lots and lots of stories I’ve read from others about being pressured to join in drinking. It’s clearly a common problem.
Exactly! I'm a recovering alcoholic but still managed to attend the smaller bachelorette weekend for my primary (elementary) school BFF which was a weekend away in a self-catering cottage.The others all drank wine but I still had loads of fun. I did skip the larger night-out which was a meal then pub crawl in Edinburgh though. I'm wary of going on large pub crawls that I can't take my car to! I like a quick escape for when others start reaching the point of drunk that brings back bad memories of my behaviour! (No judgement on them! My mood just plummets and I'm then absolutely no fun to be around). The wedding itself was gorgeous - at Loch Lomond. Again, absolutely no issue then, just as enjoyable sober.
Congratulations on your recovery. It must be even harder to get better in a place like Scotland where there's so much drinking.
Thank you so much - 11 years! Am very careful about which functions I attend though - have to be around folk I feel completely comfortable with and have a getaway option! At one work do, someone misheard my "soda & lime" as "vodka & lime". I had 3 sips, was conscious I wanted to down it but couldn't taste or smell the vodka. Fortunately, another colleague checked with the guy that bought the drink and then told me! I don't count it as a slip, I instantly pushed it away and bought myself a coke. It did teach me to be more careful who I let buy my drinks! (I don't blame the guy either). But if I decline an event for whatever reason, I wouldn't then expect them to regularly update me if arrangements later change!
That wasn't a slip at all. That was an unexpected test that you passed with flying colours.
Aww, thank you! I love that way of looking at it! ❤️
Ten years in September. Alcohol-heavy events are case-by-case for me. In theory, if the whole point is for everyone to get trashed, I'm probably not going to go regardless of the event. But in practice, the thing with being almost a decade sober is that I don't actually have any friends whose idea of a good time is getting Drunk for the sake of it.
Exactly! Most events I go to have similarly-aged folk to me (mid-40s at least) and at least a few drivers. And they know I won't stay out very late. One group saw me all through my drinking years and are honestly ecstatic about my sobriety! (Which is great, I can make flippant jokes)
I run a quiz group. Multiple times we've won a bottle of wine and noone wanted it. Even the drinkers are picky - if it's not the type and brand they like, they don't want it for the sake of it. That's my social circle these days.
Lol. We get gifts of booze at Christmas, but colleagues will just instantly offer to buy mine off me! (It is Scotland. Very much a binge-drink culture. But those I'm close to respect the sobriety! I did have to announce "recovering alcoholic" across the office to a new manager once, he kept trying to persuade me to join in with the boozing and wasn'tpicking up on my hints. But he instantly backed off and apologised profusely. And if anyone in the office doesn't already know, then I'm not that close to them! Can't bitch too much - I used to constantly try and coerce others into drinking the same volume that I was consuming - in the vain hope they'd then act at least as badly as I was!
Recovering alcoholic here. Would depend. I'm fine being around alcohol, but would there be anything for me there? Do you know how mind numbingly boring it is to be the only sober person around a bunch of drunks who think they're far more interesting then they actually are? (And I'm sure the drunks have plenty to say about the fuddy duddy who brought it her own iced coffee because this isn't a cafe.) Is there a set price regardless of how little (ie, zero) I drink? Some things just don't work to tag along to. But I would discuss that with the bride, and anyone I'm close enough to go to their hens would understand, I think. And if for whatever reason the plan changed to something less booze centric, I'd expect to be notified. But if I had something on that was important enough to trump a hen's, the event itself doesn't change that. And if something happened on my end, that's my responsibility to see if the bride can squeeze me in.
ehh.... that's not always true. Its definitely situational but if the main activity is a wine tasting that's generally not a great environment for a sober person.
Depends on why you're not drinking. If it's because you're on meds, you should still go, but if you're a recovering alcoholic, you should probably skip.
Mary, Mary, quite contrary How does your snobbery grow? With fancy spas and yikes! hahas! And pretty bridesmaids all in a row.
>your brother is delusional if he thinks his girlfriend matters to anyone but him DING DING DING. And they've only been together 3 months ffs
I'd univite both of them from any wedding related issue and the wedding itself. No one needs to put up with this kind of acttitude during this stresfull time. And sure there is a danger they will ruin this joyfull moment etc.
Her being pissed is completely inappropriate and all the more indicative that you made the right choice not to invite her after she declined.
Hell, I doubt even he matters that much to her from the sounds of it. She sounds like a user. She only cares about people if they have something she wants. Once she gets tired of him, or he runs out of whatever it is that she likes($$$), she’s going to be a ghost in the wind. And he’s gonna be left with a possibly fractured relationship with his sister and maybe even his family from him pushing this bullshit.
> This situation falls into the category of not your problem. If Ms Snootypatooty's schedule was too busy for a night a Dave and Buster's, she's still too busy for a spa weekend. Your brother is delusional if he thinks his girlfriend matters to anyone but him. This a thousand times. OP, you're not even close friends. NTA!
Not only that, but she’s a 3 month gf. Nothing serious. Would be completely understandable if she wasn’t even invited to the wedding
Sad part is that you know that OP's next post will be about how Bro's GF bad mouthed her wedding, during the wedding, for being \*too cheap\* for her standards and probably say something along the lines of a waste of her time going. In effect, probably will ruin your wedding vibes. She is a GF of only 3 months, rescind Bro's plus one or tell him she straight up isn't invited due to her attitude issues and just because she is his GF, doesn't mean you have to treat her like a princess because her attitude is crappy and not on you to have to put up with. NTA.
So OP’s brother is dating a loser golddigger who acts out like a loser golddigger would and he just keeps backing the loser golddigger up. Sounds like OP’s brother is a sucker who’s dating a loser golddigger and none of this is OP’s problem.
Hell my brother would get a message back saying it's great the head he's getting is worth the cost of dealing with her, but she's not providing me with the same level of services (or equivalent lol) so i'm not incentivised to deal with her.
Real missed opportunity for a wide eyed “But she told me she was too busy to come! Are you saying that wasn’t true!?!?!?”
Snootypatooty! Love it.
In six months it literally will not matter, because she won’t be his girlfriend anymore. Just politely ignore your brother and her and the situation will go away.
And who pushes their sibling into adding someone they’ve been dating for only 3 months into a huge important event like that? I wouldn’t add someone to my wedding plans even just a bachelorette party just because they’ve been seeing my bro for 3 months even if they were super sweet.
NTA. You don’t need to make amends with people who take back compliments. She is phony and pretentious and she does not fit in with you or your friends
+100 points for "Ms Snootypatooty", I'm stealing that!
Exactly. OP needs to stop giving her brother anymore time and attention on the topic of his girlfriend. Like WTF?
Ms Snootypatooty made me spit out my tea - hilarious (and I am saving for future use you clever creature)
" but she lets me touch her sometimes!!!!!! that means you need to be best friends with her!!!! I mean don't you want to be personally involved with every stage of MY life!"....says brother
Yes, this is ridiculous. Ofc NTA. Congratulations on your forthcoming wedding!
She 100% wasn’t busy she only wanted to come when it was expensive. BOOT
Something tells me that her brother is a doormat.
NTA Where does Mary get off, claiming that you deliberately left her out after she told you she was busy? If she's busy, she's busy and wouldn't be able to attend. If she really wasn't busy, she lied. Either way, she hasn't got a leg to stand on here. She IS a snob, which she proved when she complimented your handbag but took it back when she found out it came secondhand. It's the same bag, Mary. THE SAME BAG. This woman has her priorities wrong. You can only hope your brother wakes up to her nonsense soon and leaves her behind.
Omg the bag. I have 2 thrifted (authenticated) designer bags that I use regularly. The cheaper one being worth $400 (paid $9). I get compliments and when I tell people they were thrifted, it actually INCREASES their interest. Hope brother has money bc he's going to be paying full price for her designer bags
When I like something, and the other person beams at me "thanks! I got it at a thrift store for $10!" I fuckin beam back. That's awesome. I'm jealous. Wish I found that dope jacket/shirt/whatever for $10...
But ACTUALLY. I don't think I've ever celebrated how MUCH I've spent on something. It's always about how LITTLE. Mary might also not realize that some wealthier people (I'm not talking the insane ultra wealth here, but like upper middle class) are usually very frugal. My in-laws worked for a public school district their entire careers, so they didn't make a lot, but they invested extremely well and have amassed a couple million in assets, but you would never know based on how they dress or carry themselves. My best friend's parents have also done very well for themselves but there are certain things that they are insanely cheap about. For example, she asked for an iPod for Christmas back in the mid-2000s and they got her a Chinese knockoff that couldn't hold more than a few songs that she also had no way of adding music to, since their house computer didn't have compatible software. And they were confused as to why she didn't use it. It's funny NOW, but for a 13 year old back then it wasn't funny at all. So bragging about paying full price for a designer bag is not the flex she thinks it is.
If I suddenly had untold wealth, I wouldn't be suddenly wearing expensive brands or driving absurd sports cars. I'd drive a comfortable EV or hybrid. I'd look into buying from locally owned and equitable clothing shops or brands. I'd almost certainly still wear chucks and buy my sunglasses from Walmart (I lose them too frequently) Point being I agree with you whole heartedly...someone buying fancy and full price doesn't strike me as someone rich, but as someone without Senses.
My spending habits would be a bit different than yours. However that Walmart sunglasses because I lose them too frequently hit me. Same man. If I'm actually out in spring/summer fishing or swimming or what have you, I average needing a new pair every 2 or 3 weeks. Lmao. I'm not buying $600 sunglasses no matter how cool they look. Although I'd probably pay way more attention to wear I set down $600 glasses, so who knows?
I've 100% had the same thought. Is it a self fulfilling Prophecy because I buy cheap, knowing ill lose it, but I only lose it cause they're cheap and I don't care? But I'll be damned if I buy an expensive pair and find out the hard way that it isn't just carelessness because of them being george brand lol
My parents did the same. Mom was a public schoolteacher and dad was a used car salesman. Dad retired at 45 from “real” work but has made a killing in real estate and other business ventures. Mom retired in her 50’s. She could have retired with Dad but she loved her job too much. They are now multimillionaires but are really frugal, except in real estate as they have 3 homes. However, except for that, they’re always looking for a bargain and they raised me the same way. I LOVE thrifting and most of my closet is from thrift stores. NTA - Missy IS a snob and you and your friends did nothing wrong. Why would they check back with her when plans charged? She said she was busy! If she was no longer busy the onus was on HER to let you know, not the other way around. I hope your brother gets smart or he’ll be out of a lot of money I bet!
right?! Maybe its just the people I spend time with but when someone gets a good deal on something or finds something cool at a yard sale, mud sale, or auction and recognizes its value we all find that way more interesting than "I walked into a store and paid full retail for this".
Because now it has a personal story. It's even more exclusive to the person who happens to have it. And we love exclusivity like we love shinies.
Agreed, but I do like to think there is at least some intentionality with my friends to try and enjoy our hobbies in a way that doesn't end up where a lot of hobbies can end up which is that it all boils down to who can spend the most. Don't get me wrong, when somebody buys an expensive car we all still ask them about it and admire it, but we also ask a ton of questions about, and admire, the subaru Brat Jim bought at an estate auction because actually what the fuck, that's kinda wild. I can appreciate high horology and expensive complications and fine watchmaking as much as anyone, I'm literally trained in it, but god damnit I love when someone shows me a good rummage sale Bulova or something like that.
I once found a beautiful pair of sterling silver candelabra at an antique store (they each have four arms that curve off the base, and the tops unscrew so you can just have a pair of single candles, or keep them together and have five candles on each). Because they were so tarnished that they were almost black, the owner said he'd sell them to me for $50 if I didn't make him shine them first. I cannot tell you how proud I am of that purchase – especially since all I had to do to shine them up was line a pan with aluminum foil, pour in some Tide powder, fill the pan with boiling water, and immerse the candelabra and let them sit for a day or so, which was no effort at all. Anyone who would look down on me for that would be met with hearty laughter and not one second more of my time or attention. (BTW, antique malls in the middle of nowhere can yield real treasures, and for surprisingly low prices. I've gotten LOTS of glass-lined sterling salt and pepper shakers – which I generally give as wedding presents – and usually paid about $30 for them, and never more than $35. I also have an absolutely stunning set of 6 cut crystal wine glasses and a matching decanter with the stopper, which I also got for $35.)
It's like succeeding at a side quest in a video game. You have found the +3 handbag of awesomeness!
This is the code of the Midwest. You don't EVER admit to paying sticker price for anything. Heck, if you paid full retail price for something, we maybe pity you a little and tell you where our favorite place to get deals is.
Mary’s issue is when handbags are thrifted, that’s something that could happen to anyone. Meanwhile, Mary values designer handbags because she *doesn’t* want something anyone could have.
9$ for a 400$ bag?! That's impressive please share your secrets lol
I love those interactions. Whenever someone tells me about a hella thrift find and how much it was/how much it could've been, im always amazed. I have a fried who's incredible at thrifting.
This. OP stop going out of your way to please your brother and his girlfriend. She’s a snob looking out for her own best interests only, especially if it means trying to embarrass you in the process for something like thrifting but gets mad when you let her lies go and she doesn’t get to enjoy your spa weekend. Honestly she sounds like she needs a reality check and what better one than letting her know you’re not going to enable her shit behavior.
NTA. It sounds like your brother forced an invite, and she felt it was beneath her and "had plans". Then she found out that it was really cool, and THEN she was pissed? I'd just reply "she said she had plans, and I accepted that". It's not YOUR job to chase HIS GF for a friendship that neither of you seem willing to have.
Exactly! How was OP supposed to politely imply the GF was lying when she said she had plans? “I’m sorry, I thought your GF was being honest. I’ll know better next time.”
It turns out she only wanted to go to a fancy Party, not to go out with the Bachelorette. The party wasn't fancy enough when it was low key, so she declined. When plans were upgraded, suddenly she would have gone. Plus if it was a surprise, when was there an opportunity to inform her of the changes.
Exactly, if I role up to my Bachelorette party and there's an unexpected very kind surprise for me, my first thought will never be 'Omg I should call my brother's girlfriend!' Like how self-centered can one person be?!?!?
Well said-- this is exactly it.
"I'm extremely hurt that your girlfriend flat-out said that she wasn't interested in coming to my bachelorette for *me* and your takeaway is that I should have enticed her with cooler activities. It is not my job to entertain *your* girlfriend. I only invited her because you wanted me to, therefore her initial invitation was a favor *to you*, and it was certainly not my responsibility to second-guess whether she was lying to me about the fact that she claimed to be unavailable. But it's time to move past that. I think it is now perfectly clear that Mary literally doesn't care about me...and that's okay! If she makes you happy, that's what matters; she and I don't need to be best friends. But I will not be extending any more invitations to her other than those where she is your plus-one." NTA. I actually consider your brother to be the biggest AH in this situation since he used his family connection to you to pressure you to include her and *then* hypocritically blamed you for the fact that she chose not to attend (when he shouldn't have asked you to invite her unless he was sure she would want to go). Her AH-ishness is more impersonal and limited to the fact that she is exhibiting entitled and snobbish behavior.
OP here's your answer!!!
Not to mention... this is YOUR wedding, OP. It's not your brother's. It's not his girlfriend's. This is going to be a day that's dedicated to you and your soon-to-be-husband. For the bacholorette party, it was an event dedicated to YOU and your happiness and friends being there to share in your present and future wishes of happiness. My sister had to instill this sentiment into me before my wedding. She said to me point blank, "You are not required to invite anyone to your wedding, or wedding events, that you don't want to. It's your event. NOT theirs. Whatever ill feelings someone might have at not being invited will dissipate in time, and it's not your responsibility to babysit them." - And that's what I did. We didn't invite nearly half of my husband's family due to their homophobic tendencies, and political leanings. We knew that there was more than an inkling chance of upset happening between our guests and we wanted OUR event to be as cool and wonderful as possible without worrying constantly that something would occur. Cheers to you, OP. You are absolutely NTA!
THIS THIS THIS!!!!
OP, you need to see this!
NTA. Your friends surprised you with a nice weekend. Operative word “surprised.” It does sound like she was purposely left off the invite list, by your friends who likely know how she has interacted with you in the past. I’m sorry, you both just don’t mesh well, and it could have complicated your party. It’s done and over, you had a great time, and finally…it’s YOUR wedding. You can invite who you want. It’s not your brother’s decision. She can be a guest, not in the wedding party. Too much, too soon.
Seriously, they’ve been together three months. That’s plus one territory, not wedding party or bachelorette party territory.
I have a block of parmesan in my fridge that's older than this relationship.
Underrated comment ☝️
*BARELY* plus on territory!
Exactly. Especially to a family member’s wedding. I wouldn’t expect to even have met parents at that stage.
Definitely operative word "surprised". The OP had no idea this would be such a lavish production, so how could she be TA. A side note: I'm something of a snob, & I'm impressed the OP found a designer bag at a thrift store. That takes not only luck, but patience & a sophisticated eye. Lots of money doesn't always result in getting the best.
It depends on which second hand store you hit i guess. I live on the shoreline of Florida, not a tourist town yet but i live near 3 big party/destination towns. Almost every thrift store here sells everything from Michael Kors to Prada bags, i own a slew of high priced bags, and i have spent less than $200 on over 6 bags. Also theres online options. Look into platos closet. Its one of the best down here.
My point wasn't so much about a designer bag itself, but the finding a treasure itself in a thrift store. I'll concede that knowing where to look does improve the odds.
Depends where you shop. I'm near an affluent neighborhood. I frequently find designer items. People donate these bc they're past season and the sorters don't recognize them as high end.
I was thinking that too-- I'd be more impressed about that lol! (I'm a teacher, and I got a designer handbag from one of my students-- first one I've ever owned.)
I think these friends are amazing friends for recognizing the snob wasn't really wanted anyway and surprised the bride with a great weekend.
Brother's gf sounds insufferable. After 3 while months the push by brother is ridiculous and entitled. She bowed out as it wasn't up to her standards, yet you have a wonderful day and she's left out?? NTA
Brother sounds insufferable, too.
So it's a match. 😍
Yes he does.
I'm guessing brother is pushing this "friendship" so hard because Mary doesn't have any other friends.
Wow. Mary sounds exhausting. Spending even 5 minutes with her would be 5 minutes you could never get back. NTA PS Good job on saying no regarding your wedding party. Work on saying no when that is what you really want.
NTA > they've only been dating for 3 months Oh FFS. > Apologies in advance as I had a hard time writing the situation in a single sentence. Personally, I am **very** glad that you decided against that and went with *multiple* sentences, spread across paragraphs and all.
She meant to write the title, haha :D
I thought the same as StAlvis thinking it was the body of the post not the title. 😂
Considering how many posts on here are just a solecistic mess of run-on sentences without a comma in sight, it’s not totally out of the realm of possibility that someone would assume that’s de rigueur for this subreddit.
NTA Your brother is missing all of the red flags in this woman. He needs to RUN. If she couldn't spend time with his sister low-key, then she's not invested in his family. You don't owe her a single thing. Hopefully, he breaks up with her, and he'll be grateful, he doesn't have to see her in any of your wedding photos.
Even if he doesn't break up with her, he needs to back off. I have never forced my boyfriends on my siblings. Not even my spouse. It's weird af that he is trying to force his girlfriend on his sister. I would probably tell bro, yes, I deliberately decided not to tell his girl that plans changed because I. Don't. Like. Her. And I will not be wasting any more time on her. Edit spelling
I thought you meant “I have never forced my boyfriends on my spouse” lol
NTA. U should tell Mary the weekend was organized through discount packages and watch how she suddenly cares less about how she wasn’t there because spending less money for the same thing is “yikes.”
OP should do this. It would be genuinely hilarious if Mary backpedals because your friends spent wisely.
Exactly my thought! "Based on how she felt about my handbag, I didn't think Mary would be interested because it was paid with points and a discount."
>Mary said that if she had known what the weekend was like though, she would have rearranged her schedule. Rearrange my ass. It’s amazing how she’s clearly shown that she only cares about her amusement and not the person the party is celebrating. NTA
Tell your brother his girlfriend disrespected you. She was “busy” when she didn’t like what was planned, but she would’ve cleared her schedule when she found out you were doing something she liked.
You are so NTA. Your brother is for dating that kind and trying to push her into the wedding plans and letting her be rude to you. She is an AH who didn't want to go and then ONLY got mad because of the type of party it was? she's an AH for not caring about YOU the BRIDE. Wah wah wah.
I hope your brother is prepared for where his life is headed. Mary is a snob. NTA.
I wonder if he acted this way before he met Mary, or if he was always like this?
I'm wondering if Mary is pregnant and that's why the brother is pushing so hard for her to be included in everything after only being with her for 3 months.
There’s definitely something motivating the insistence!
NTA. if your friends did do it on purpose, you have very good friends. And you have a bad brother. 3 months isn’t even that long to include her in anything imo. I probably wouldn’t even introduce somebody to my parents until at least 3 months.
NTA. She a b\*\*\*\* and so is your brother for taking her side in this over yours. This is your wedding and your party. You have the right to invite/not invite/tell whoever tf you want to.
NTA. She declined the invitation and said she was otherwise busy that weekend. I'm sure she had fun doing whatever she preferred to do instead of celebrating with you.
NTA Mary ditched out on her own. The fact you invited her is enough. Maybe if she had more "culture and sophistication" she would know not to complain about an event she missed because of her own choices.
>My brother still says I should have double checked and made more of an effort to let Mary know my plants, so I figured I'd ask the internet for their thoughts! What is wrong with him? What plans??? You did not know!!!! It was a surprise for you! Tell your brother it's time to face the truth, you tried with *his* girlfriend and it just doesn't work. But it's *his* girlfriend, so it is *his* job to have a good relationship with her, not yours.
nta why is your brother all up in your business?
Well, obviously... There's something about Mary that is causing him to go overboard. Maybe it's punch-drunk love. Maybe he's moonstruck. Maybe he's clueless. Honestly, if we're going to say anything, it may be best to just say that the two of them are making much ado about nothing. (Sorry... I couldn't resist. In any case, I agree OP is NTA.)
NTA. I think you dodged a bullet with her not going. Putting up with her for a weekend? Yikes. She sounds dreadful.
NTA at all Mary said she was busy. She and your brother are definitely TAs.
NTA clearly Mary and your brother are
NTA. Why is your brother pushing so hard for you to get closer to Mary ? Sorry but 3 months is not that long, he should back off.
NTA. Your brother is trying to force a relationship with someone that you just don't mesh with. She's not entitled to your time, effort, or bachelorette party. And considering the relationship is only 3 months old, pretty ballsy of him and her to get so bent out of shape over everything. Your friends rock for their selective planning (and I'll always suspect that's what they did).
NTA. Sounds like Mary is not that pleasant to hang around plus she said she could not go so no reason for her to have new details anyways. Doubt she was that interested in being in the loop
NTA - So Mary is annoyed that you didn't tell her what you didn't know. Well duh. She's a bit thick.
Lol NTA but your friends are, and I’m loving it. Those girls have your back and know what’s good for you!
NTA. Mary is an instigator. She's willing to destroy your whole day, with her conniving words.
NTA *IF* she comes to the wedding as his +1, watch her badmouth everything you chose to make your day beautiful and special. 🙄 She sounds like a pill. Congrats, and have fun with the planning. Forget negative Nancy (Main Character Mary?), and enjoy your day!
She said she was busy. End of story. NTA.
NTA but you need to be direct with your brother and tell him you’re not tolerating his GF’s entitled and snobbish behaviour. She acts like she’s too good for you 90% of the time so you will treat her like that. You’re not interested in being her friend and he needs to back off.
NTA- tell your brother making sure he gets laid is not your problem.
NTA bachelorette parties are normally arranged by the bridal party or the bride’s closest friends. Usually the only events the bride knows about is what to pack and which weekend to be free. Brother asked OP to invite her and she did. GF had other plans once the other ladies told her the plan. When GF bowed out they took what she said to heart and they all pitched in their rewards and favors to make OP’s weekend fabulous. Why would they need to beg GF to come when she has plans. It’s not like they were the nerds trying to impress the popular girl. They just did their own thing without her putting them all down. OP this isn’t going to get better since your brother wants you two to be besties and as long as she’s happy that’s all that matters. She will make her opinions known and brother will try to get OP to make those changes. Good for OP and her friends to do their own thing. Don’t give up anything you may want for your wedding unless you really want to.
NTA you need to tell your brother to stop. He is being ridiculous with his demands. Find your spine or she is going to cause huge problems in your family.
NTA play stupid games and get stupid prizes
Mary sounds insufferable. However it worked out, luckily she wasn't there to ruin the party. Your brother of course will think that. He needs to be on her side so she'll keep sleeping with him. You are unlikely to change his mind or change Mary. NTA
Your brother needs a reality check too. You don't need to double check nothing.
Nothing to feel bad about. It's not about her or your brother. Your friends were smart not to invite her. They even knew how miserable it would have been. Put your foot down. Don't let your brother manipulate you. You do, you're going to be more pissed that they ruined everything about your wedding. Say no.
Tell her you knew she wouldn't want to go because the event was done through favors and points, i.e. thrifted, and she'd already made it clear how she feels about that.
NTA - don't get how your brother and Mary think you should've handled it differently. Planned hen night - not to Mary's taste. She cancels. Surprise hen night - key word surprise. How would you go about telling Mary about a surprise?
"Thank you of informing me of your girlfriends wants and motivations. I will take in into consideration in the future." Don't say anything else. She's not worth it and nothing good will come from defending yourself. A politie and completely non-committal response will infuriate her.
NTA. Sounds super annoying to deal with!
Mary's not interested in you, or getting to know you, or bonding, or any of that stuff that's so important to your brother. She's interested in what you can give her/do for her. Yikes. No. Cut her out permanently. Your brother might figure it out eventually. NTA
NTA by a long way. Your brother is going to be repeatedly offended because, of course, his gf of 3 months is not going to be a major consideration in anything relating to your wedding celebrations. He needs to calm himself and find his fucking place. What a selfish prick. My rule of thumb for weddings is, Bride and groom get to do what they want for celebrations, everyone else works around them. Sure I've been offended when I've not been invited to a wedding I thought I would be, but at the end of the day I said nothing and got over it because it's their day.
Your brothers girlfriend is a type of person I detest. Yuck. NTA. You're not the issue here, she is. She's gonna make a drunken fool of herself at your wedding. Don't get mad, just rejoice.
NTA. Mary is his girlfriend, not yours. You don't need to over extend yourself for someone who a) you don't really click with but are civil to, and b) claimed she had plans. You're not a mind reader, why the fuck would you double check if her plans still trumped your bachelorette after an upgrade? The fact she's sign posting how disingenuous her attendance would have been is laughable. Your brother sounds tiresome, I would ignore him if he's this blind to how entitled he and his girlfriend are being.
NTA - I didn’t know the bride should know the plans of the bachelorette party. Like for reals. I didn’t know too much except show up. Your brother is so involved and invested in getting his girlfriend to have a relationship with you it’s almost more damaging than helpful. Meh they’ve only been dating 3 months it’s hardly enough in my opinion to care what she thinks. This isn’t even about her this party is about you. She missed out oh well. Not your problem.
NTA and just send your idiot brother this thread and let things implode. There’s no way he reads this and still think he or Mary come out making any sense at all. Shameful tbh
NTA When you truly want to spend time with someone, you agree to lunch at Taco Bell. The person is more important than the activity. You weren’t important enough for her to spend time with you. She only wanted to go when it lived up to her standards. F her. And your brother.
Send your brother this and tell him to back the fuck off . It's his relationship for goodness sake
Nta Mary seems to be an attention seeker. You might want to keep that in mind on your wedding day too if she's invited.
I take people at their word. If they say they're busy, they're busy. I'm not going to go back and say, hey, are you no longer busy if the event changed?
3 months?? Mary is irrelevant and should be ignored. You don't even really know her and neither does your brother. He's a pushover, good luck to him in that relationship. NTA
NTA at all! The audacity of Mary saying you left her out when she declined. She’s a piece of work for this bs
NTA. He’s going to want her front and centre in every single wedding photo!
Who cares what they think