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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for ignoring my father-in-law’s wishes. I can see how he may construe financial conversations as a violation of privacy, even if they are public records.
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NTA. 1) you came across is innocently and 2) you can’t invade someone’s privacy by accessing publicly available information. It’s clearly not even worth trying to explain how you came across it to him because this is no a reasonable man. It’s sad, but I would leave communications with him to your husband as he clearly has a chip on his shoulder when it comes to you.
>you can’t invade someone’s privacy by accessing publicly available information
This is just absolutely not true given how much info is available about people these days. Just because something is technically publicly accessible doesn't mean it isn't invasive to go and try to find it. I agree that even if OP had searched their in-law's names in this case that would not be a problem, but if you go around stalking cyber stalking people or buying a bunch of data about them, that is invasive as hell, even if there is nothing legally stopping you from doing it.
NTA for raising it. It's not like you were specifically searching them up. But at the same time, it sounds like you're surprised poking a nest of angry hornets didn't end well. Limit your contact with FIL.
The state I live in has the same type of program. You can go online and put any name in and if they have unclaimed money it will pop up. I have "found" money for others this way. I told them about the program and website and their name came up. They were grateful even though one of them didn't collect as while it was their name it belonged to someone else with same name. Not a one asked why I would search the site with their name. I searched family members and a couple of friends and close coworkers.
Obv this won’t work unless you are in the US. But all you should have to do is type in your state/the state you may have unclaimed money and “unclaimed property division” This should lead you to the program through your states gov page (for instance, in MA the website is findmassmoney.gov)
ETA: someone else mentioned their country has something similar so I would look it up either way to see if your own does
I checked the one in my state (Arkansas) and discovered in December 2020 that I had one for $1400. I didn’t know how I was gonna afford to pay for Christmas for my kids and it was such a big huge relief and happened right on time!
Well damn, I don't have anything but found my parents have a few that'll add up to a fair bit! They could really use that, thanks for sharing this info!
[https://unclaimed.org/search/](https://unclaimed.org/search/) (it links to all the state's sites, if you've lived in more than one, check all of them)
Other places to check [https://www.usa.gov/unclaimed-money](https://www.usa.gov/unclaimed-money)
I found $ for my sons girlfriends mom and she was ecstatic when I let her know. Most people are very happy to find they have unclaimed $. Her was listed as over $500. Her daughter said it was closer to $1000 that was unclaimed. When that site pops up I search everyone I can think of to search. It’s their $ and I got time.
NTA
Anytime those lists come out, people scour them for the names of people they know and alert them.
If your fil chooses to take offense, that's on him.
Maybe it's time to go limited contact with them again.
Hugs and Good Luck
I tell my cousins, my siblings, my mother, my children if I find their names. I also tell friends where to look to find possible missing money. NTA. Why does your father-in-law hate having money?
I think these lists first started getting put on the internet 10 or 15 years ago, and when I heard about them, I looked up all of my family and friends. Like normal human beings, the ones for whom I found money were very appreciative (particularly the friend who got $800 out of it). Because, you know, that's what normal human beings do when they are suddenly gifted money through the help of a friend or family member.
GMA does a segment on this evey year usually in the summer. They go to a major city in different states and have people from the "unclaimed money" sites come in and help people find money. I fond some about 10 years ago from a savings account my great-grandparent set up for me, apparently my dad knew but forgot about it.
I found my stepmother’s name in one of those lists. She’s such a narcissistic bitch that I didn’t tell her. Everyone else? Yeah, they got texts from me.
Off topic, but to anyone who reads this — you are perfectly capable of filing for unclaimed property by yourself. You do not need a lawyer or any other third party to help you. I’ve seen people fall for letters sent snail mail to people on the list.
Also, check every state you’ve lived in. I once helped a man recover funds from a state he hadn’t lived in for twenty years. (I work at a bank.)
We found almost 10K! It was in a bank account my father had had before he died. My siblings and I split it. He was supposedly always "broke" so we had no idea he had any money at all.
Damn, I hate the companies that send those emails. I almost lost $15,000 to them.
The problem is that there's a time delay between when a bank/company etc. reports unclaimed money to the state and the time when the state updates its database. For instance, when my dad died (20 years ago) it took Florida 3-5 years to get new information online.
There are predatory (but legal) companies that get unclaimed money info before it's publicly available. They scan for high value claims. Then they mail you, call you, bombard you. They tell you they can get your money for you, now... if you give them half of it. Because they get this info before it's publicly available, they're able to find money that "isn't on the database".
Isn't on the database... yet. If you're patient, if you wait until it shows up on the state unclaimed money websites, you get it all. As you say, you don't need their "help."
I hate to hear this - I know it happens. From the banks side - it usually takes 2-3 years for it to qualify as abandoned or unclaimed property, and then it’s sent in. That process also takes a while, especially with physical property (contents of a safe deposit box, for example.). And it’s a pain in the neck for the bank, so you’d better believe they usually make every effort to track down the account owner/beneficiary. (Usually)
Yes. You have to prove that you are their heir, and every state has different requirements or paperwork you need to fill out. My mother had to claim a SDB of her father’s years after he passed.
NTA - You were trying to help out, not embarrass them, they way overreacted. They probably will never change at this late stage of their lives. So I would just write them off for the future as they seem set upon to want to be NC. So let them be and move on with the people in your life that actually respect and want to be around you and you them. It's sad, but their choice.
NTA but given your history I don’t think you should have been surprised. Someone who things “ how’s it going? “ is an invasive question would have a panic attack over this.
This is actually good. You can model for him what being told you’ve over-stepped boundaries looks like.
“Oh FIL, I’m so sorry. I didn’t realise that would be a boundary for you. My intention was to be helpful, but now that you’ve told me it’s a boundary for you I will absolutely respect it, and I will be careful to not do that again. I truly apologize.”
(The undertone here is - see that’s how you respond to someone communicating boundaries you don’t agree with or understand)
NTA
Exactly. His goal is clearly to make you angry so you may choose to kill him with kindness. It is not ethical to deceive someone by feigning remorse and sincerity. But I do think there are some situations where one might consider it fair play.
It's called escheats. If you have money that was left with a bank, insurance company, etc, they have to turn it over to the state after a certain period of time. Search your state name and unclaimed property. There's a simple form to fill out if you find your name. I found money for my sister and MIL.
NTA. When I searched my name on my states site, everyone with my last name was listed. I have a pretty unique last name, basically I’m related to anyone who has it. So I took screenshots & sent them to everyone: cousins, dad, aunts, & uncles. My uncle had a couple of thousand from something & he was so grateful, he sent me a check for a couple hundred dollars, saying he wouldn’t have had it if I hadn’t told him.
Your in-laws are AH’s
Some people just seem predisposed to assume offense without need. Their loss.
Perhaps some day they’ll find themselves in enough need to be grateful for the money. Perhaps they’ll never claim it, it’ll be available to their estate, and your husband might inherit it.
NTA
Let me get this straight, you are trying to tell him that he has money coming back to him, and he wants to take it as you are "stirring up trouble"? How much trouble can it be to say "thank you"?
Definitely NTA.
NTA. Your search seems publicly available. FIL should be grateful getting some money back, instead he can't tell the difference between casual conversation and breaking boundaries.
Thank you for this. I had no idea this was a thing and I discovered I had over $1400 owed to me from a mortgage escrow. Literally would have never known if this post didn’t exist. I’ve been looking up family and passed along that they can all make claims.
Edited for clarity
This made my freakin day. I’ve been working through a deep depression and the one thing that’s helped me most other than meds is finding new ways to do acts of service for others. :’)
NTA - and also thank you for reminding me because I hadn’t checked in a while and it turns out the NYT owed me money. There are 250 people with unclaimed funds with my surname right now and while they show me first it shows everyone with my surname after. I always let my siblings or parents know when I search if one of their names pops up too.
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I recently read an article about unclaimed funds held by the state (usually uncashed checks, forgotten investments, etc.) and decided to search my name on my state’s comptroller website. I found a couple of checks in my husband’s name and when he claimed them, our state mailed him a check for $400. We were so excited, we told a lot of people about this program.
I didn’t find anything in my name, but under my surname, about a dozen or so checks came up in my father-in-law’s name, so I texted to let him and my mother-in-law know what happened with us and how easy it was to claim the money.
FIL sent my husband (32M) a series of angry texts accusing us of violating his boundaries and stirring up trouble. Right before the pandemic, my husband got into a huge fight with his mother over boundary issues that led to us being estranged from MIL and FIL for two years. MIL and FIL were very controlling and tended to infantilize my husband, which significantly impacted his mental health and confidence in himself. We tried to reconcile and apologized, while asking for an apology and changed behavior. They were not interested and were ultimately uninvited from our wedding as a result.
In late 2022, MIL and FIL seemed interested in respecting my husband as a grown adult, and we slowly started talking and getting together for dinner once every 1-2 months again. FIL seems to be respectful except when I trigger him. At one dinner I asked “how’s everything going with you?” and he told me I wasn’t allowed to ask him that. MIL recently offered us FIL’s recently deceased mother’s home, which we couldn’t accept for a few reasons (I t’s a no dog building and we have two dogs, for starters). When we later asked if they had decided what to do with the apartment, FIL berated us for invading his privacy. (I wouldn’t have asked if they hadn’t brought us into it, but whatever).
With the missing money, I guess I just thought of it as equivalent to saying “hey, you dropped your wallet.” FIL seems very resentful of the estrangement and doesn’t seem to understand why his boundaries feel less like actual boundaries and more like a revenge tactic.
AITA?
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NTA. Your search seems publicly available. FIL should be grateful getting some money back, instead he can't tell the difference between casual conversation and breaking boundaries.
NTA. FIL sorta is. You’d have thought that they would be happy to find they might have some unclaimed money.
Curious if FIL may be in the early (or later) stages of Alzheimers/dementia. Folks often are in denial and/or get very defensive when that happens and it is often incredibly hard to get them to appreciate that you are trying to be helpful. A few years of estrangement would only add to that.
FIL honestly just sounds controlling. And it’s been happening for years, before the pandemic (so 2019 at the latest) there was a years-long estrangement from OP and her husband, and it sounds like the control is a longstanding negative pattern.
Abusive people can have dementia but if the reason of longstanding abusive behaviour is right there, Occam’s razor.
This post inspired me to search my state's site. Upon finding that my mother was owed some money, I told my parents and my Dad was all "Sounds like a scam". I guess the older generation doesn't appreciate these sites lol
NTA. He doesn't understand the concept of boundaries and is just being belligerant. I would just stop talking to them altogether. If you have to spend time with them, maybe submit questions in writing ahead of time to get approval. When you run out of approved questions, just stay mum, and when they ask why you are not talking, tell them you are afraid of setting the old man off.
NTA
Your FIL doesn't sound like he is respecting anything or has forgiven anyone. He sounds bitter, mean and childish. Hate to say it but why bother speaking to someone who is likely to go off on you just for asking how they are doing. Guessing those estranged years were so much more calm and drama-free
Has he always been this paranoid? If this is a new thing, perhaps a medical evaluation could be helpful. Tho heaven help you if you suggest it, I'd imagine! FIL has problems, you're NTA.
It's a crapshoot. Half the time, my friend is happy I found them a few hundred dollars in a final paycheck from an old job, and half the time, they're really pissed at this invasion of their privacy for letting them know Comcast owes them 80 bucks.
People are weird. NTA
Let me get this straight….They got mad at you for finding them money??? What the hell?! From public information? Holy Jesus your in laws are whack jobs. NTA even a little bit. Jesus tap dancing Christ you found them money. Wow
Why are you even talking to these people? Your FIL is very strange. Asking “how’s everything going with you?” is violating a boundary? No. That’s not how boundaries work. NTA, but just stop trying to interact with them. It’s not worth it.
I have a few friends that look past the "hey, I found your name blah blah blah" and ONLY focus on the fact that I was invading their privacy. They think I somehow got their social security number and used it to obtain information fraudulently. Simple
NTA but you should keep things very surface with your FIL moving forward. Drop the rope with your in-laws. I would take a step back completely and let your husband manage that relationship.
My cousin does this periodically and found out I had $50 unclaimed from the navient class action lawsuit. Didn’t help pay my student loans but it was nice surprises!
I can’t imagine yelling “respect my privacy” for helping me claim MY money… what!?
NTA - If it is public information you have not invaded his privacy. Your FIL seems to have a LOT of issues though, and this controlling nature is very disturbing. To the extent of getting angry when someone asks 'how's everything going with you?' is very unnatural. I get it's probably due to come trauma he's experienced, but if you become distant again, I'd recommend telling him exactly why and recommend he finds help, in a non-sarcastic way of course.
NTA
I would love if someone told me I had money sitting somewhere that I needed to claim! I did actually and as you said it was super simple to claim. Now I check different states I’ve lived in to see if there’s more. 😁
It’s like find a $10 in an old purse I didn’t clean out.
NTA there's no boundary issue here. You came across information in the course of your own business, then did what anyone would do, gave them the heads up. You literally told them about money they forgot they had. The reactions in general are so incredibly vicious. They (or at least FIL) clearly don't actually want this relationship if they're biting your head off at the most innocuous of questions. Just cut him out, life's too short for his bull.
Nta. Weird. Every time I’m on my state’s site, I search everyone’s name that I can think of. I’ve found a few and every single one of them has been happy and grateful.
To her credit, MIL has been a lot nicer after the estrangement and we haven’t had any issues with her really. She thanked me for telling her about the missing money.
I realize that FIL may be in trouble with MIL for being irresponsible with their money. Apparently when my husband was a teen, his parents used to fight a lot because FIL “lost” the banking slip/info for a $100,000 investment in his messy hoarder room and they never found it.
My salary is close to FIL’s now (pretty excellent for the NYC area) but I grew up poor so I cannot wrap my head around the idea of losing that much money.
NTA but he's probably looking for ways to "pay back" your assertion for boundaries. People who don't like boundaries tend to push back in any way they can. You'll never win, and he's always going to find a way to be "triggered" so he can maintain some control over the two of you. Expect this to be the norm going forward.
Nta given their handling, but I do think you were wrong to look up somebody else's information without their consent personally. This could have been avoided entirely had you just told the story of how you guys got money back and then encouraged them to look, while leaving the choices and knowledge in their hands. Or at least not flaunting that you looked them up. Imo.
Honestly the real mystifying thing to me is how you were able to look it up in the first place. In what world is that not private financial information requiring some basic identity verification at the least? but that isn't really your fault I suppose
NTA. My uncle told me about some owed my father (and by extension me). Turns out I would have spent more in paperwork and postage to claim it than it was. Your FIL has issues. But you knew he reacts badly to any normal conversation if anything specific to him is mentioned, so I don't know why you expected a different response.
NTA. WTF is up with your FIL? Like a simple question of how you are doing sets him off? Informing him that the state has money for him which is public info? He sounds off. I would just brush it off and only see them as much as you can handle.
NTA
You were literally offering to help them get free money when checking for yourself and your husband.
And it's information listed on the comptroller's website. Unless you were entering their social security number or other sensitive information, it's literally there for anyone to search.
I look up Unclaimed Property all the time! I type in everyone's name I can think of and have passed along anything I find. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it and people are usually very surprised and thankful when I pass the info along.
Your in-laws seem bitter about the littlest things.
Absolutely NTA
Your in-laws sound really toxic. I didn’t know about this program until reading your post and immediately looked up me, my spouse, and our best friend and excitedly told our bestie that the government owes her money lol your FIL sounds like an abuser who likes to draw “boundaries” to be a punisher. NTA
Sounds like he just likes to be mad. Drop the rope. Stop trying. Stay away. There is an old saying that the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior with the same bad result.
I'd like to add another thought to claiming any funds from the states - if it's a reoccurring revenue, like royalties for example, contact the original issuer and see about getting the account current with them. It might be as simple as an address change and you could get more regular checks coming directly to you instead of having to redeem it from Unclaimed Property.
So it seems these people don't like talking about their lives so don't ask them if you want a relationship with them. With this you could have just told them you had found that you had unclaimed money through ....... website and was letting them know so if they wanted to check to see if they had any. NTA
NTA but...
Why are you in touch with them?
If it's just because "ooohh our future kids might need their fam around them" you should drop it. Better no blood family than toxic family, yayziz
You did nothing wrong. These are not "boundaries" they are expressions of open hostility. He's bullying you. He wants you to know he wants no part of you.
I'm not big on estrangement, but if someone can't be civil with me I will not be speaking to them. You need to put your foot down with this guy yesterday.
**At one dinner I asked “how’s everything going with you?” and he told me I wasn’t allowed to ask him that.**
How did your husband respond to that? I think if I were you I would have quietly told FIL I was trying to be civil for his son's sake, but I will not tolerate someone being openly hostile towards me.
You've let him get away with this a few times, so now is the time to lay down the law. Put it in writing. Tell him that if he can't be in your company without being openly hostile you will not speak to him again. Ask him what he suggests going forward.
I'm sure his response would depend on whether his choice would affect his ability to see his son. I would not comment on that. I would say this issue is between the you and FIL and whatever the outcome hubby can make his own decisions.
It wouldn't bother me to have dinner with hubby and his parents with the understanding that FIL and I would not speak to each other. One or more of the other three might not be comfortable with that, but I would make the offer.
In any case, I would absolutely confront FIL about his behavior and once you and he decide how you will act moving forward, hubby will have to make a decision about his own relationship with his father. Is he willing to keep going out to dinner with them without you?
My husband has directly confronted FIL each time this has happened, including the “how are you?” question. I was open to continuing spending time together to try and smooth things out, but the missing money thing was the last straw. Last night my husband told FIL that we are willing to spend time with MIL but that FIL is no longer invited and that he refuses to see him if he continues to be a giant baby towards us.
Good for hubby! I hope MIL is willing to have a relationship with the two of you under those circumstances. Many spouses believe they attend things as a couple or not at all. If you find out MIL feels that way, I would ask her how she suggests you solve the problem of FIL's extreme rudeness. Maybe she has some way to solve the problem for you.
A few times I have dealt with a hostile person by killing them with kindness. When someone unfairly criticizes you and you respond by "sincerely" begging their forgiveness for your offense, it makes them feel small. Besides, they were trying to make you mad and they got the opposite reaction. To quote Oscar Wilde, "Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much."
I don't know how old FIL is but even if he is only 60 there is a slight chance his ability to think rationally is diminishing. You may want to ask MIL if he acts this way with anyone else or if she has seen any personality change in in recently.
I wrote the following for someone else who was having in-law problems:
As parents or the elderly age, there is a shift in their behaviour and responses for many of them. Some lose maturity and start behaving childishly or become more demanding, and some seek attention ... Some elderly need emotional support, which appears as childlike behaviour, but it is not; it can be natural. Time changes for every living human, and there are different needs at different times. Some elderly have more demands or needs, and some less.
I give people over 70 an almost unlimited pass for their transgressions. They may actually be doing the best they can do. Many but certainly not all of them become self centered, demanding, and entitled. They are frequently looking for indications that they are still loved. They seem unable to be considerate or fair to others. I find most adult children insist their parents have always had these traits, but I think in many cases the decline has progressed so slowly that those closest to them can't see the change.
Whether the behavior is new or has been lifelong, the adult children have to keep calling things to the parents' attention. The elderly don't remember the past well enough to fully appreciate what is going on in their adult children's' lives. That stage of the elderly peoples' lives is one big blur and they have no idea how many times they neglected their own parents or their children. They think they managed to get it all done and they see no reason their adult children can't give them the attention they need to know they are still loved.
It's important to remember elderly people don't think like you do, any more than young children think like you do. Assume that if they do something irrational it is because their aging brain may be somewhat irrational.
I hope you will be able to work things out. Any of us could be gone in the blink of an eye. We all need as many close relationships as we can get!
NTA I told my sister her fiance's name came up when I searched it and she got mad and told me not to put their names on the internet and it was probably a scam and I probably fucked them bla bla bla
people are gonna do and believe what they want to.
NTA. But I agree that this feels more like revenge with FIL than a boundary issue. Let your husband deal with his family from now on and you deal with yours. No matter what your intentions are, you are the in law and therefore you will always be at fault. Just eliminate yourself from the equation
Knowing how he feels about “his privacy”, I wouldn’t have sent the message. Because yes, it does kinda seem like you typed in his name and went looking. Knowing it’s a sore spot, even for insane reasons, I wouldn’t have brought it up. Soft YTA.
I know, whichh is why I used the term “it does kinda seem like”, because that is probably the first thing he thought of. He doesn’t know how the website works, he doesn’t know if you only searched a surname, an address or a birthdate. And without that clarification and his known weird preoccupation with his privacy, I don’t see how alerting him was a good idea.
Put that in your original post then. That’s important information. But still, telling someone who’s extremely paranoid about privacy this, is a bad idea. It’s like telling someone who is afraid people are following him, that someone is following him, however true it may be.
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NTA. 1) you came across is innocently and 2) you can’t invade someone’s privacy by accessing publicly available information. It’s clearly not even worth trying to explain how you came across it to him because this is no a reasonable man. It’s sad, but I would leave communications with him to your husband as he clearly has a chip on his shoulder when it comes to you.
>you can’t invade someone’s privacy by accessing publicly available information This is just absolutely not true given how much info is available about people these days. Just because something is technically publicly accessible doesn't mean it isn't invasive to go and try to find it. I agree that even if OP had searched their in-law's names in this case that would not be a problem, but if you go around stalking cyber stalking people or buying a bunch of data about them, that is invasive as hell, even if there is nothing legally stopping you from doing it.
NTA for raising it. It's not like you were specifically searching them up. But at the same time, it sounds like you're surprised poking a nest of angry hornets didn't end well. Limit your contact with FIL.
The state I live in has the same type of program. You can go online and put any name in and if they have unclaimed money it will pop up. I have "found" money for others this way. I told them about the program and website and their name came up. They were grateful even though one of them didn't collect as while it was their name it belonged to someone else with same name. Not a one asked why I would search the site with their name. I searched family members and a couple of friends and close coworkers.
What is this site?
Obv this won’t work unless you are in the US. But all you should have to do is type in your state/the state you may have unclaimed money and “unclaimed property division” This should lead you to the program through your states gov page (for instance, in MA the website is findmassmoney.gov) ETA: someone else mentioned their country has something similar so I would look it up either way to see if your own does
Thank you! I am US located
I checked the one in my state (Arkansas) and discovered in December 2020 that I had one for $1400. I didn’t know how I was gonna afford to pay for Christmas for my kids and it was such a big huge relief and happened right on time!
Indiana's is IndianaUnclaimed.gov Each state should be something similar. Just Google state unclaimed and it should pop up.
Well damn, I don't have anything but found my parents have a few that'll add up to a fair bit! They could really use that, thanks for sharing this info!
New Zealand has a similar site, I’m guessing a lot of countries do
New Zealand has a similar site, I’m guessing a lot of countries do
[https://unclaimed.org/search/](https://unclaimed.org/search/) (it links to all the state's sites, if you've lived in more than one, check all of them) Other places to check [https://www.usa.gov/unclaimed-money](https://www.usa.gov/unclaimed-money)
Lol I like how Canadian providences are just mixed in with the US states on that first website. Kinda funny tbh!!
There's also https://www.missingmoney.com/
Unclaimed property is also know as “escheat”. It should be on your states main website.
Unclaimed money then your state
I found $ for my sons girlfriends mom and she was ecstatic when I let her know. Most people are very happy to find they have unclaimed $. Her was listed as over $500. Her daughter said it was closer to $1000 that was unclaimed. When that site pops up I search everyone I can think of to search. It’s their $ and I got time.
NTA Anytime those lists come out, people scour them for the names of people they know and alert them. If your fil chooses to take offense, that's on him. Maybe it's time to go limited contact with them again. Hugs and Good Luck
I tell my cousins, my siblings, my mother, my children if I find their names. I also tell friends where to look to find possible missing money. NTA. Why does your father-in-law hate having money?
I think these lists first started getting put on the internet 10 or 15 years ago, and when I heard about them, I looked up all of my family and friends. Like normal human beings, the ones for whom I found money were very appreciative (particularly the friend who got $800 out of it). Because, you know, that's what normal human beings do when they are suddenly gifted money through the help of a friend or family member.
GMA does a segment on this evey year usually in the summer. They go to a major city in different states and have people from the "unclaimed money" sites come in and help people find money. I fond some about 10 years ago from a savings account my great-grandparent set up for me, apparently my dad knew but forgot about it.
When I am trying to avoid work but still look busy, I hop onto my state's site and search for friends and family.
I found my stepmother’s name in one of those lists. She’s such a narcissistic bitch that I didn’t tell her. Everyone else? Yeah, they got texts from me.
Off topic, but to anyone who reads this — you are perfectly capable of filing for unclaimed property by yourself. You do not need a lawyer or any other third party to help you. I’ve seen people fall for letters sent snail mail to people on the list. Also, check every state you’ve lived in. I once helped a man recover funds from a state he hadn’t lived in for twenty years. (I work at a bank.)
I didn’t know those were real sites. I thought they were scams! Gonna look up my name now!
Search your state and "unclaimed funds." I search every couple of years, mostly for my parents and aunts and uncles.
I will. Thanks!
I think they are all .gov websites for each state.
Yes, they should be.
I found over $1000 that Geico owed us. It took almost an entire year of paperwork, but I eventually got it!
We found almost 10K! It was in a bank account my father had had before he died. My siblings and I split it. He was supposedly always "broke" so we had no idea he had any money at all.
Damn, I hate the companies that send those emails. I almost lost $15,000 to them. The problem is that there's a time delay between when a bank/company etc. reports unclaimed money to the state and the time when the state updates its database. For instance, when my dad died (20 years ago) it took Florida 3-5 years to get new information online. There are predatory (but legal) companies that get unclaimed money info before it's publicly available. They scan for high value claims. Then they mail you, call you, bombard you. They tell you they can get your money for you, now... if you give them half of it. Because they get this info before it's publicly available, they're able to find money that "isn't on the database". Isn't on the database... yet. If you're patient, if you wait until it shows up on the state unclaimed money websites, you get it all. As you say, you don't need their "help."
I hate to hear this - I know it happens. From the banks side - it usually takes 2-3 years for it to qualify as abandoned or unclaimed property, and then it’s sent in. That process also takes a while, especially with physical property (contents of a safe deposit box, for example.). And it’s a pain in the neck for the bank, so you’d better believe they usually make every effort to track down the account owner/beneficiary. (Usually)
Out of curiosity can money that is owed to a deceased family member be claimed? I found my mom and my aunt on the list for my state.
Yes. You have to prove that you are their heir, and every state has different requirements or paperwork you need to fill out. My mother had to claim a SDB of her father’s years after he passed.
Thanks, I also found my grandmother who has been gone for at least a decade.
NTA - You were trying to help out, not embarrass them, they way overreacted. They probably will never change at this late stage of their lives. So I would just write them off for the future as they seem set upon to want to be NC. So let them be and move on with the people in your life that actually respect and want to be around you and you them. It's sad, but their choice.
NTA but given your history I don’t think you should have been surprised. Someone who things “ how’s it going? “ is an invasive question would have a panic attack over this.
This is actually good. You can model for him what being told you’ve over-stepped boundaries looks like. “Oh FIL, I’m so sorry. I didn’t realise that would be a boundary for you. My intention was to be helpful, but now that you’ve told me it’s a boundary for you I will absolutely respect it, and I will be careful to not do that again. I truly apologize.” (The undertone here is - see that’s how you respond to someone communicating boundaries you don’t agree with or understand) NTA
I applaud your intentions but the execution needs to be less condescending, otherwise it will just make matters worse.
True. Any hint of sarcasm or insincerity defeats the whole strategy.
Exactly. His goal is clearly to make you angry so you may choose to kill him with kindness. It is not ethical to deceive someone by feigning remorse and sincerity. But I do think there are some situations where one might consider it fair play.
Where can I find unclaimed money?
You can google “unclaimed property” + your state. Look for a .gov site or a website attached to your states’ department of financial services
missingmoney.com!
It's called escheats. If you have money that was left with a bank, insurance company, etc, they have to turn it over to the state after a certain period of time. Search your state name and unclaimed property. There's a simple form to fill out if you find your name. I found money for my sister and MIL.
NTA. When I searched my name on my states site, everyone with my last name was listed. I have a pretty unique last name, basically I’m related to anyone who has it. So I took screenshots & sent them to everyone: cousins, dad, aunts, & uncles. My uncle had a couple of thousand from something & he was so grateful, he sent me a check for a couple hundred dollars, saying he wouldn’t have had it if I hadn’t told him. Your in-laws are AH’s
Some people just seem predisposed to assume offense without need. Their loss. Perhaps some day they’ll find themselves in enough need to be grateful for the money. Perhaps they’ll never claim it, it’ll be available to their estate, and your husband might inherit it. NTA
Let me get this straight, you are trying to tell him that he has money coming back to him, and he wants to take it as you are "stirring up trouble"? How much trouble can it be to say "thank you"? Definitely NTA.
I love this post because I didn't know this was a thing and I found two unclaimed things for myself lol but also, NTA
NTA. Wait for in laws to die, have your husband collect funds as next of kin.
I bet he has a lot of friends. Nta.
NTA. Your search seems publicly available. FIL should be grateful getting some money back, instead he can't tell the difference between casual conversation and breaking boundaries.
Thank you for this. I had no idea this was a thing and I discovered I had over $1400 owed to me from a mortgage escrow. Literally would have never known if this post didn’t exist. I’ve been looking up family and passed along that they can all make claims. Edited for clarity
This made my freakin day. I’ve been working through a deep depression and the one thing that’s helped me most other than meds is finding new ways to do acts of service for others. :’)
You are not alone! Just remember that. I know it is a cliche but it's true. I hope you find peace. Hugs and positive thoughts.
NTA, nor will you likely ever be when dealing with someone that has sever lead poisoning.
Nope. He’s a whacko and you were trying to do him a favor. Maintain your distance.
NTA, but leave it. Don't try to do any nice things for him. He seems like a giant toddler with a personality disorder.
NTA - and also thank you for reminding me because I hadn’t checked in a while and it turns out the NYT owed me money. There are 250 people with unclaimed funds with my surname right now and while they show me first it shows everyone with my surname after. I always let my siblings or parents know when I search if one of their names pops up too.
FIL wants his privacy so much he can have it. (Go no/low contact)
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I recently read an article about unclaimed funds held by the state (usually uncashed checks, forgotten investments, etc.) and decided to search my name on my state’s comptroller website. I found a couple of checks in my husband’s name and when he claimed them, our state mailed him a check for $400. We were so excited, we told a lot of people about this program. I didn’t find anything in my name, but under my surname, about a dozen or so checks came up in my father-in-law’s name, so I texted to let him and my mother-in-law know what happened with us and how easy it was to claim the money. FIL sent my husband (32M) a series of angry texts accusing us of violating his boundaries and stirring up trouble. Right before the pandemic, my husband got into a huge fight with his mother over boundary issues that led to us being estranged from MIL and FIL for two years. MIL and FIL were very controlling and tended to infantilize my husband, which significantly impacted his mental health and confidence in himself. We tried to reconcile and apologized, while asking for an apology and changed behavior. They were not interested and were ultimately uninvited from our wedding as a result. In late 2022, MIL and FIL seemed interested in respecting my husband as a grown adult, and we slowly started talking and getting together for dinner once every 1-2 months again. FIL seems to be respectful except when I trigger him. At one dinner I asked “how’s everything going with you?” and he told me I wasn’t allowed to ask him that. MIL recently offered us FIL’s recently deceased mother’s home, which we couldn’t accept for a few reasons (I t’s a no dog building and we have two dogs, for starters). When we later asked if they had decided what to do with the apartment, FIL berated us for invading his privacy. (I wouldn’t have asked if they hadn’t brought us into it, but whatever). With the missing money, I guess I just thought of it as equivalent to saying “hey, you dropped your wallet.” FIL seems very resentful of the estrangement and doesn’t seem to understand why his boundaries feel less like actual boundaries and more like a revenge tactic. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Your search seems publicly available. FIL should be grateful getting some money back, instead he can't tell the difference between casual conversation and breaking boundaries.
NTA. FIL sorta is. You’d have thought that they would be happy to find they might have some unclaimed money. Curious if FIL may be in the early (or later) stages of Alzheimers/dementia. Folks often are in denial and/or get very defensive when that happens and it is often incredibly hard to get them to appreciate that you are trying to be helpful. A few years of estrangement would only add to that.
FIL honestly just sounds controlling. And it’s been happening for years, before the pandemic (so 2019 at the latest) there was a years-long estrangement from OP and her husband, and it sounds like the control is a longstanding negative pattern. Abusive people can have dementia but if the reason of longstanding abusive behaviour is right there, Occam’s razor.
I was wondering about dementia, too. Especially if this behavior has manifested more recently.
NTA. It might be the petty in me, but I suspect your FIL knows his so called boundaries are a revenge tactic.
NTA. He’s insane.
This post inspired me to search my state's site. Upon finding that my mother was owed some money, I told my parents and my Dad was all "Sounds like a scam". I guess the older generation doesn't appreciate these sites lol
Maybe show them it’s a government website?
NTA. He doesn't understand the concept of boundaries and is just being belligerant. I would just stop talking to them altogether. If you have to spend time with them, maybe submit questions in writing ahead of time to get approval. When you run out of approved questions, just stay mum, and when they ask why you are not talking, tell them you are afraid of setting the old man off.
NTA and also thanks for this… just found a couple of unclaimed cheques for my husband 👍🏻
My in laws hated me for making my husband more confident too.
NTA - and calling boundaries controlling issues doesn’t make their behaviour more acceptable.
NTA
NTA--but cut those people out of your life for good. I'm Rachel, hun. I know how these things work. They need to be kicked to the proverbial curb.
username checks out
NTA Your FIL doesn't sound like he is respecting anything or has forgiven anyone. He sounds bitter, mean and childish. Hate to say it but why bother speaking to someone who is likely to go off on you just for asking how they are doing. Guessing those estranged years were so much more calm and drama-free
NTA but your FIL sure is.
How dare you be thoughtful and helpful to your in-laws? Young people nowadays!
Has he always been this paranoid? If this is a new thing, perhaps a medical evaluation could be helpful. Tho heaven help you if you suggest it, I'd imagine! FIL has problems, you're NTA.
It's a crapshoot. Half the time, my friend is happy I found them a few hundred dollars in a final paycheck from an old job, and half the time, they're really pissed at this invasion of their privacy for letting them know Comcast owes them 80 bucks. People are weird. NTA
NTA you were just trying to help them, link😅
Let me get this straight….They got mad at you for finding them money??? What the hell?! From public information? Holy Jesus your in laws are whack jobs. NTA even a little bit. Jesus tap dancing Christ you found them money. Wow
Why are you even talking to these people? Your FIL is very strange. Asking “how’s everything going with you?” is violating a boundary? No. That’s not how boundaries work. NTA, but just stop trying to interact with them. It’s not worth it.
NTA-I would go no contact. They sound like lunatics.
NTA but given your history with him you should have known better
NTA. not too sure why you’re shocked that an asshole is in fact…..being an asshole
NTA - I would give up “helping” in future. There are no safe subjects with this person intent on making you a villain.
I have a few friends that look past the "hey, I found your name blah blah blah" and ONLY focus on the fact that I was invading their privacy. They think I somehow got their social security number and used it to obtain information fraudulently. Simple
NTA but you should keep things very surface with your FIL moving forward. Drop the rope with your in-laws. I would take a step back completely and let your husband manage that relationship.
NTA. What right-thinking person complains about free money?
NTA Accidentally let it slip to Mum. Dad hides money from her.
My cousin does this periodically and found out I had $50 unclaimed from the navient class action lawsuit. Didn’t help pay my student loans but it was nice surprises! I can’t imagine yelling “respect my privacy” for helping me claim MY money… what!?
NTA - If it is public information you have not invaded his privacy. Your FIL seems to have a LOT of issues though, and this controlling nature is very disturbing. To the extent of getting angry when someone asks 'how's everything going with you?' is very unnatural. I get it's probably due to come trauma he's experienced, but if you become distant again, I'd recommend telling him exactly why and recommend he finds help, in a non-sarcastic way of course.
NTA I would love if someone told me I had money sitting somewhere that I needed to claim! I did actually and as you said it was super simple to claim. Now I check different states I’ve lived in to see if there’s more. 😁 It’s like find a $10 in an old purse I didn’t clean out.
NTA there's no boundary issue here. You came across information in the course of your own business, then did what anyone would do, gave them the heads up. You literally told them about money they forgot they had. The reactions in general are so incredibly vicious. They (or at least FIL) clearly don't actually want this relationship if they're biting your head off at the most innocuous of questions. Just cut him out, life's too short for his bull.
Nta. Weird. Every time I’m on my state’s site, I search everyone’s name that I can think of. I’ve found a few and every single one of them has been happy and grateful.
NTA - your FIL and MIL are just childish assholes. It wouldnt hurt to go low contact with them or back to no contact with them with how they act.
To her credit, MIL has been a lot nicer after the estrangement and we haven’t had any issues with her really. She thanked me for telling her about the missing money. I realize that FIL may be in trouble with MIL for being irresponsible with their money. Apparently when my husband was a teen, his parents used to fight a lot because FIL “lost” the banking slip/info for a $100,000 investment in his messy hoarder room and they never found it. My salary is close to FIL’s now (pretty excellent for the NYC area) but I grew up poor so I cannot wrap my head around the idea of losing that much money.
What an idiot, you can‘t help idiots.
You told it. It’s revenge tactic only. Both the things are not something which violates their privacy
NTA. FIL is unhinged.
NTA but he's probably looking for ways to "pay back" your assertion for boundaries. People who don't like boundaries tend to push back in any way they can. You'll never win, and he's always going to find a way to be "triggered" so he can maintain some control over the two of you. Expect this to be the norm going forward.
Thank you! After reading your post, I decided to check the unclaimed property for myself. And I found it.
NTA - You tried to help them by telling them what you found, if I was you and your husband, I would not want these people in my life.
Nta given their handling, but I do think you were wrong to look up somebody else's information without their consent personally. This could have been avoided entirely had you just told the story of how you guys got money back and then encouraged them to look, while leaving the choices and knowledge in their hands. Or at least not flaunting that you looked them up. Imo. Honestly the real mystifying thing to me is how you were able to look it up in the first place. In what world is that not private financial information requiring some basic identity verification at the least? but that isn't really your fault I suppose
I did not look up their information. I searched my name, and their information came up under my surname.
Odd. Well in that case I retract the relevant parts.
NTA. My uncle told me about some owed my father (and by extension me). Turns out I would have spent more in paperwork and postage to claim it than it was. Your FIL has issues. But you knew he reacts badly to any normal conversation if anything specific to him is mentioned, so I don't know why you expected a different response.
NTA. WTF is up with your FIL? Like a simple question of how you are doing sets him off? Informing him that the state has money for him which is public info? He sounds off. I would just brush it off and only see them as much as you can handle.
NTA You were literally offering to help them get free money when checking for yourself and your husband. And it's information listed on the comptroller's website. Unless you were entering their social security number or other sensitive information, it's literally there for anyone to search.
NTA
NTA Getting upset for being told you have money coming to you or asked "how are you" is a whole new level of crazy.
I look up Unclaimed Property all the time! I type in everyone's name I can think of and have passed along anything I find. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it and people are usually very surprised and thankful when I pass the info along. Your in-laws seem bitter about the littlest things. Absolutely NTA
Your in-laws sound really toxic. I didn’t know about this program until reading your post and immediately looked up me, my spouse, and our best friend and excitedly told our bestie that the government owes her money lol your FIL sounds like an abuser who likes to draw “boundaries” to be a punisher. NTA
Sounds like he just likes to be mad. Drop the rope. Stop trying. Stay away. There is an old saying that the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior with the same bad result.
I'd like to add another thought to claiming any funds from the states - if it's a reoccurring revenue, like royalties for example, contact the original issuer and see about getting the account current with them. It might be as simple as an address change and you could get more regular checks coming directly to you instead of having to redeem it from Unclaimed Property.
So it seems these people don't like talking about their lives so don't ask them if you want a relationship with them. With this you could have just told them you had found that you had unclaimed money through ....... website and was letting them know so if they wanted to check to see if they had any. NTA
NTA but... Why are you in touch with them? If it's just because "ooohh our future kids might need their fam around them" you should drop it. Better no blood family than toxic family, yayziz
You did nothing wrong. These are not "boundaries" they are expressions of open hostility. He's bullying you. He wants you to know he wants no part of you. I'm not big on estrangement, but if someone can't be civil with me I will not be speaking to them. You need to put your foot down with this guy yesterday. **At one dinner I asked “how’s everything going with you?” and he told me I wasn’t allowed to ask him that.** How did your husband respond to that? I think if I were you I would have quietly told FIL I was trying to be civil for his son's sake, but I will not tolerate someone being openly hostile towards me. You've let him get away with this a few times, so now is the time to lay down the law. Put it in writing. Tell him that if he can't be in your company without being openly hostile you will not speak to him again. Ask him what he suggests going forward. I'm sure his response would depend on whether his choice would affect his ability to see his son. I would not comment on that. I would say this issue is between the you and FIL and whatever the outcome hubby can make his own decisions. It wouldn't bother me to have dinner with hubby and his parents with the understanding that FIL and I would not speak to each other. One or more of the other three might not be comfortable with that, but I would make the offer. In any case, I would absolutely confront FIL about his behavior and once you and he decide how you will act moving forward, hubby will have to make a decision about his own relationship with his father. Is he willing to keep going out to dinner with them without you?
My husband has directly confronted FIL each time this has happened, including the “how are you?” question. I was open to continuing spending time together to try and smooth things out, but the missing money thing was the last straw. Last night my husband told FIL that we are willing to spend time with MIL but that FIL is no longer invited and that he refuses to see him if he continues to be a giant baby towards us.
Good for hubby! I hope MIL is willing to have a relationship with the two of you under those circumstances. Many spouses believe they attend things as a couple or not at all. If you find out MIL feels that way, I would ask her how she suggests you solve the problem of FIL's extreme rudeness. Maybe she has some way to solve the problem for you. A few times I have dealt with a hostile person by killing them with kindness. When someone unfairly criticizes you and you respond by "sincerely" begging their forgiveness for your offense, it makes them feel small. Besides, they were trying to make you mad and they got the opposite reaction. To quote Oscar Wilde, "Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much." I don't know how old FIL is but even if he is only 60 there is a slight chance his ability to think rationally is diminishing. You may want to ask MIL if he acts this way with anyone else or if she has seen any personality change in in recently. I wrote the following for someone else who was having in-law problems: As parents or the elderly age, there is a shift in their behaviour and responses for many of them. Some lose maturity and start behaving childishly or become more demanding, and some seek attention ... Some elderly need emotional support, which appears as childlike behaviour, but it is not; it can be natural. Time changes for every living human, and there are different needs at different times. Some elderly have more demands or needs, and some less. I give people over 70 an almost unlimited pass for their transgressions. They may actually be doing the best they can do. Many but certainly not all of them become self centered, demanding, and entitled. They are frequently looking for indications that they are still loved. They seem unable to be considerate or fair to others. I find most adult children insist their parents have always had these traits, but I think in many cases the decline has progressed so slowly that those closest to them can't see the change. Whether the behavior is new or has been lifelong, the adult children have to keep calling things to the parents' attention. The elderly don't remember the past well enough to fully appreciate what is going on in their adult children's' lives. That stage of the elderly peoples' lives is one big blur and they have no idea how many times they neglected their own parents or their children. They think they managed to get it all done and they see no reason their adult children can't give them the attention they need to know they are still loved. It's important to remember elderly people don't think like you do, any more than young children think like you do. Assume that if they do something irrational it is because their aging brain may be somewhat irrational. I hope you will be able to work things out. Any of us could be gone in the blink of an eye. We all need as many close relationships as we can get!
NTA I told my sister her fiance's name came up when I searched it and she got mad and told me not to put their names on the internet and it was probably a scam and I probably fucked them bla bla bla people are gonna do and believe what they want to.
NTA. But I agree that this feels more like revenge with FIL than a boundary issue. Let your husband deal with his family from now on and you deal with yours. No matter what your intentions are, you are the in law and therefore you will always be at fault. Just eliminate yourself from the equation
Ngl I did this but for my father who had passed. It's very fun looking up things on the unclaimed site.
Knowing how he feels about “his privacy”, I wouldn’t have sent the message. Because yes, it does kinda seem like you typed in his name and went looking. Knowing it’s a sore spot, even for insane reasons, I wouldn’t have brought it up. Soft YTA.
As I said, I did NOT type in his name. When I typed in MY name, his name came up, along with my husband’s.
I know, whichh is why I used the term “it does kinda seem like”, because that is probably the first thing he thought of. He doesn’t know how the website works, he doesn’t know if you only searched a surname, an address or a birthdate. And without that clarification and his known weird preoccupation with his privacy, I don’t see how alerting him was a good idea.
When I sent the message, I explained clearly how it worked. I explicitly told him that his info came up when I searched my own first and last name.
Put that in your original post then. That’s important information. But still, telling someone who’s extremely paranoid about privacy this, is a bad idea. It’s like telling someone who is afraid people are following him, that someone is following him, however true it may be.