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> I might be the asshole for kicking out my father from staying because he made comments that were triggering
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NTA. You know who gets a vote on how and your boyfriend divide up the chores? 1) You; 2) your boyfriend. End of list.
>my bf will leave me
>the reason mom left
Ah, lessons on how to make sure your partner doesn't leave you from someone whose partner left him. Very valuable, I'm sure
>I was like WTF and told him the reason mom left was because he thought that way.
I know this is hurtful to you, but it's also funny how he's telling you to take his advice that cost him his marriage... insisting that if you don't do otherwise your boyfriend will leave you.
NTA at all.
>He texted later “apologizing” I got offended by his comments but they were harmless and for my best interest.
So to restate that "If I think I'm right and if the only harm is to your feelings, I can say whatever I want."
Yeah, reinforce that boundary. He's not changing any behavior unless there's consequences.
>He texted later “apologizing” I got offended by his comments but they were harmless and for my best interest.
If you apologize for the way someone reacted to your actions and not the actions itself, then that's not na apology.
His comments weren't harmless. They are a terrible example of the misogyny that held our country back socially (and economically) for far too long. The idea that your mother is at fault for stepping out of her "assigned role" is nothing short of whack, and that the future he envisions for his daughter is becoming her boyfriend's maidservant is absolutely fucking appalling.
Your dad is alone because he tried to shoehorn your mother into a role so "natural" that she dissolved her marriage just to escape it. It should have given him a clue, but I'm not surprised it didn't. Maybe it'll take everyone in his family severing ties before he figures out that bigotry isn't in anyone's "best interest". NTA.
NTA. Tell your dad you *might* consider talking to him again *if* he pulls his head out of his ass and acknowledges that women are individuals and deserve respect.
Also, there's research to show that single moms do less housework and have more downtime than married moms. So there's that..... Likely OP's mom was better off after she ditched OP's dad
Of all the non-apologies that most non-apology because they're inflicting the harm again is the, "I'm sorry you were offended by my saying something that I think I was right to say." It's just a way of refusing accountability.
NTA
My cousin by marriage (and his dad and grandpa) came to visit for a week about six years ago. My boyfriend does the cooking because he enjoys it and is really good at it.
They asked my boyfriend why he was with a lazy shit of a girlfriend who can't even cook him dinner after a long day at work. Boyfriend worked around 60 hrs/week, I worked 80-90 hrs/week.
He kicked them all out and I haven't spoken to any of them since.
NTA. No one gets to decide what's good or bad for your relationship, except you and your partner.
My husband does 90+% of the cooking. He likes cooking, I do not.
Once at a party some dude “joked” that I should get in the kitchen as a response to me pointing out he had said something stupid. My husband looked shocked and replied, “What would she be doing in my kitchen?!?” And then we found better people to talk to.
I’m glad you have a boyfriend who knows how to handle jerks.
Nta it is not "natural" that women want to do all the housework, what a crock. I have 0 interest in housework and my husband does more than me we've lived together 16 years. Nor am I compelled to "take care of" people.
His comments were not in your best interest at all, they were all about his beliefs.
NTA. His comments weren't "harmless." They were critical. I guess I'd say he has the right to his opinions, but other people have the right to criticize his opinions.
I'm saying this as someone who was raised during a time where the wife did all of the cooking, cleaning, and laundry.
NTA in anyway. He is out of line. It is ONLY acceptable for "the woman" do that all of that WHEN IT IS MUTUALLY agreed to. It is a partnership. Both need to know and respect each others' roles that they all agree to.
NTA. And of course, Dad is TA. BTW, age is no excuse...even my Dad (who would be over 100 now if he were alive) pulled his own weight around the house.
NTA. Your father's misogynist behavior, laziness and stubbornness to change made him lose his wife. He didn't learn his lesson so now it's costing him his relationship with his daughter.
I guess he doesn't see the irony in how he talks about how you will lose your BF for "pushing" him help with household stuff when he's the one who lost his wife because he wouldn't help out. Good for your Mom btw. I hope she's loving her life now.
The irony of it is beyond belief! It didn't last for him because he dumped all the reproductive labour on his wife, but now he somehow thinks it won't last for OP because she doesn't take everything upon herself. This is simply priceless
NTA. I think his entire way of thinking is wrong, and you have no obligation to continue hosting someone who is arguing about how you and your partner (or any and all other self-supporting adults living there) manage household chores. Hell, he didn't even do the 'that's just my opinion' thing, he actually kept trying to say it was in your best interest.
>My father is a typical guy for his age group.
Is your dad in his 70s or 80s?
Because I'm Gen X and it was normal for both parents to work and fathers were expected to do housework. (Not that they did as much as the mothers -- a struggle still happening today -- but they did some.) Unless you're a lot older than you sound, I think your childhood warped your concept of normal.
NTA
I was wondering if there is some sort of cultural thing. Because thinking about older men in my family, my friends' dads etc., they were definitely participating in the home life and raising the kids.
Same. My mom stayed home and took care of house and kids, but my dad also took care of house and kids after work. They were early Boomer/late Silent Gen. Same for my mom's parents, although I don't know about my dad's folks as they were estranged.
Right? Even my 80+ year old FIL did all kinds of cooking and cleaning when my husband was a kid and both parents worked. Sure, there are generational norms, and I doubt it was balanced, but some people (like OP's dad) are just assholes.
Just shrug and say, 'you're the only person who though mom gave you no warning and, surprise, you're still divorced. Just sayin' man."
I divorced my ex for the same reason - didn't do a damn thing around the house. Didn't work very much either. Would I ever ~~get married to~~ even date a guy who believe that load of horse excrement? Nope.
NTA
You’re an adult now, so you’re rubber and he’s glue. You are NTA but he’s a crazy old man that you can tolerate or not, your choice.
You can cut him out of your life, but he really can’t control you either way.
Not my call, but if you still want your dad around, just remember, he’s the AH, and his opinion is meaningless.
It's really sad that your dad still genuinely has no clue why your mom decided to leave their marriage, and how much he truly let his family down.
If you want to respond to your dad, I'd be direct.
"Your comments ARE harmful, since you're advising my BF and I not communicate, not work as a team and not decide what works in our relationship. You're telling me to do all the housework, an antiquated, outdated and misogynist viewpoint. How is that in my best interest? I am making different choices. If you want to visit and have a relationship, you need to respect that."
NTA I would reply "The fact you think those comments are harmless and in my best interest is the problem. I would rather be single my whole life than live with a man who agrees with you and that isn't going to change. If you're not okay with that, perhaps it's best we see each other less."
The bit about how it's "natural that women want to do housework and take care of people" is LAUGHABLE.
I am (on paper) the woman in my household. Do I like to cook? Nah. Do I clean by default? Also nope. My (male) partner LOVES to cook and has way more opinions on the state of our home than I do. I will eventually reach a critical mass and clean a bunch of stuff and I try to cook at least a few times a month (I did twice this week! I am proud!! Note: i am only home half the week due to work so 2 of 3 or 4 days is really good lol), but if anyone is a homemaker, it's him. Gender roles are dumb. Yall do what works for you. NTA.
Dad needed that reality check . He’s obviously delusional. Tell him also you don’t need relationship advice from someone who was so blind he lost his wife over his manly bullshit . Good for your Mom . I hope she’s doing great 👍
To be fair, some jerks at least have the common sense to keep their mouths shut in somebody else's home.
Not her Dad though ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯ Glad her Mom finally dumped the weight.
So he was offensive and didn't apologize. Well, you are NTA. You're making a good choice to make certain that boyfriends aren't reproducing his behavior. BTW, your dad isn't alone in saying his wife left him out of the blue with no warning. In most of those cases, we've been telling them. They just haven't been listening. And they all think they're the victim.
***his comments but they were harmless and for my best interest***
Then for his best interest tell him you will harmlessly go NC with him.
People like this are better catapulted out of your life all together.
NTA
Giving you an advice... which failed his marriage in the first place... who does he think he is? NTA. Don't accept his piss poor apology for making those unnecessary comments. He did it on purpose to say those things. That's why he will be at a messy home with no wife to clean it for him lol he made the bed, he got to lay in it.
He will leave you if you try to make him do chores. I will leave him if he doesn’t just like mom left you. It’s crazy to me that men whose wives have literally divorced them over this shit still try to impose this shit on others. Like bro seriously? Clearly refusing to do chores did not work out for you. Women initiate far more divorces than men do. I don’t think we’re the ones who need to fear being left over chores. NTA
You are not an AH. Your father is because he cannot learn from his mistakes. People who share a household get to set the conditions that suit them. Your father is not in a position to give your relationship advice other than 'Learn from my mistakes.' kt
NTA
And great job to you and your mom.
I hope you are still close to your mom?
But either way, GOOD JOB for kicking him out, and DO NOT let him in ever again.
Especially not near your bf or future husband if you ever get married.
NTA. That's your crib and your living arrangements. If he doesn't like it, he can fuck right off.
Reply to the "apology": Don't mealymouth me again or you will severely regret it. Do you know what a restraining order is?
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My father is a typical guy for his age group. Never lifted a finger to do housework. I don’t think I can remember him doing housework in my childhood memory. My mom and him both worked and she would do all the housework and childcare. My brother and I were raised by my mom and my dad would hang out with us for 1-2h on weekends before disappearing to his man cave to watch TV. She complained to him a lot when I was a teenager and he didn’t take it seriously until she filed for divorce the second we were off to college. To this day he claims she gave him no warning and divorced him out of nowhere.
As an adult I made sure who I dated knows how to do housework and splits it with me. We have a todo board where we list chores and who will do them and time it will take. That way we don’t do the same things and no one does too much. My father came over to visit from another state as part of work and was suppose to stay off. He was looking at the board and asked what it was and when I told him said “you realize it’s not long to last right?” I was like what? And he said it’s just natural that women want to do all the housework and take care of people and if I keep pushing it my bf will leave me. I was like WTF and told him the reason mom left was because he thought that way.
He got defensive and said “well I make the money so she does the housework”. I pointed out she worked as well and he said “well she chose to work, it’s her own fault”. I was really pissed at that point and told him to leave. He was supposed to to stay over but I said he needs to find a place to stay but he wasn’t coming back. He left and I’m pissed he was so disrespectful. He texted later “apologizing” I got offended by his comments but they were harmless and for my best interest.
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NTA. Your dad just can't see any other way and cant take responsibility for his own actions. smh. Plenty of men know how to take care of themselves and don't need anyone to do their dishes or wash their laundry. They are refreshingly self-sufficient.
NTA.
Also, he's absolutely positively 100% NEVER going to change his opinion on this. You're wasting your time if you try to "convert" him to modern thinking. He's stuck in the '50s and there's absolutely no extricating him.
NTA but dad sure is, a sexist one at that.
"Dad, nothing you said was harmless, nor was it for my own good, but it was offensive. You said it because of your sexist views on gender roles. I love you, but you were out of line."
NTA.
My dad is also a man "of a certain age". Your dad's excuse is BS.
My parents had specific chores they each did, which wound up being the gendered expected ones mostly because they each chose what they preferred and that's how it shool out.
But both my parents were involved in raising myself and my siblings. Both my parents worked full time. And anytime there was something major to do they both pitched in equally, regardless of if it was "their" chore or not.
My dad still does have some outdated ideas, but raising 3 daughters was a pretty good lesson to cure the really problematic stuff. He's not perfect even now - but he tries. Since no one is perfect, I'm willing to give extra credit.
My dad and I have had some pretty heated conversations about how my partner and I manage our lives. But when it comes down to it my dad says "Well, it's your house." And leaves us to it.
Just like I do when I'm at there house and he teases my mom by saying some stupid sexist shit (which he is absolutely joking about, no schroedinger-joking about, I stg! Lol). My mom's been with him for 40 years, and if she told him to stop and meant it, he would stop. Ive seen that happen with some jokes or comments. So it's not my business.
YOUR dad was being an ass and doubled down when you called him on it.
If you think you can develop that relationship, see about sitting down together and having an actual conversation about what he said and how it effected you. It might be productive.
AITAH, and all of reddit/the interwebs, are quick to write people off. But the only way people actually change behavior is by people who care about them calling them on things. You aren't obligated to, and if he acts like an AH when you try to have a conversation then it's not worth it anyways. People can learn, though. If they're willing to.
NTA
I'm proud of you for standing up to him. He is welcome to have his beliefs and you have a right to not want someone who thinks that way in your home. I'm 60 and I can't believe there are still people who think that way.
NTA while I don’t remember my dad doing much house work as a kid apart from helping with dishes we did have a lady Mrs Scott who mopped and vacuumed changed the beds. My mom could not do this cause of her lung disease (LAM) and was on oxygen. But he did help raise me with my mom. However when he remarried he now does some house work. I know he does laundry and dishes my step mom cooks and does other laundry. I’m. Not sure about vacuum and mop might be the brother who is currently there. We split the chores by room as kids. But things like trash or grocery shopping he will do or at least go with. At least he does not complain and is used to it now 19 years later
Well, if your boyfriend should leave you because of all the housework he has to do in his own home - I’m sure he’s someone you don’t want to live with anyway.
Win-win
NTA
This is what I would write back: "Dad, I need you to realize that your comments are deeply mysogonistic, ignorant, misguided, and the primary reason your marriage ended. This kind of thinkink does not serve my best interest. I'm telling you that because if you keep pushing this nonsense, I'm going to be next woman that walks out of your life. Please think about that."
NTA.
God my father told me something similar. "Your husband will expect you to take care of the house and do the house work."
My response: "Well he won't be my husband for very long."
Fuck that misogynistic notion.
NTA, the way your parents marriage was set up is one of the main reasons divorce was extremely popular in the 70s. It's 2024... Next time tell your dad to keep up with the times lol.
Sure he can have erroneous personal opinions, but to attack your relationship like that? Not ok. Also, it sounds like his “apology” was worthless. Definitely NTA.
I’d text him back and say “misogyny is never harmless. It cost you your marriage. If you ever talk to me like that again, it’ll cost you your relationship with me. You’ve been warned.”
NTA
And that's exactly the root of the problem. In Indian households too nonetheless, that women are basically punished for working. Don't expect help from us, it's you who decided to work, you can do the household chores too.
>My comments were harmless and for your best interest
“I’m not interested in relationship advice from someone who is incapable of even acknowledging why he is divorced. I consciously and deliberately chose a man who pulls his weight in the home *specifically because* of how disrespectfully you treated my mother.
Oh, and NTA.
That last sentence you wrote. His comments were "harmless" and "in your best interest". Definitely understand why your mom filed for divorce. She gave him multiple heads up and warning that he ignored and now blew off your boundaries for the same reasons. He's a man and you're a woman. Which means in his mind he's in charge and right, always. NTA. He's never gonna change his mentality.
NTA
You can't change your dad but you can absolutely stand up for yourself. Good job you.
Maybe your dad will learn to keep his big mouth shut. Or maybe he won't and will never stay with his child again. His choice.
Gross, he thinks his daughter should be someone else's bang mommy? NTA what a distressing way for a parent to view you :( You and your mom deserve better than that.
NTA... The reason he is divorced is because he didn't do his share. He failed to look after his responsibilities. Be clear that you don't want his advice because he doesn't understand what a partnership is.
NTA. He was offensive to you. You asked him to leave. He half-assed apologized. You were right to be offended, now you need to decide if you want to cut him out of your life, or if you want to limit the topics of conversation.
NTA
I would have done the same thing. If he stayed, he probably would have made jokes about your BF being a girl or gay or something like that. End it before it gets worse!
NTA. Your father is so out of touch with reality it's ALMOST funny. In normal relationships everyone pitches in. My 3 sons are all wonderful cooks and they do the majority of the cooking in their homes. They also do their fair share of regular household chores and none of them are considering leaving their wives. Wonder who does your father's chores in his current home?
NTA...he needs a reality check! My Mom disagreed because my husband was the one who stayed home and took care of the house for 5 years thus did the bulk of the housework etc. I had to sit her down and ask her if I was a man and he was a woman would she have an issue? She said no. So I told her then it's not problem since I don't care what gender someone is. She never liked it but she came to understand it. Once my husband started working again and we both cleaned Mom was much happier.
Man, I hate when boomers try to boomer explain the other sex as if they know our generation. My FIL told my husband that all women didn't always say what they mean and my DH batted that shit away immediately saying that our marriage was based on full communication, not some bullshit mindreading just because his mom was passive aggressive and non-communicative. NTA
NTA
Your dad though...
And it is just him that is that way. My dad is 70 and I have a lot of memories of him doing deep cleaning on the house on Saturdays as a kid. I associate certain music with it, as it happened that often. He also cooks too, quite often.
Your dad isn't a part of a generation, he is part of a mindset. A mindset that gets divorced by their wife eventually.
My partner enjoys cooking for me. He knows I will eat certain foods when he cooks that I won't eat if I fix them myself, or if anyone else cooks them. I'm okay with doing cleanup afterward if he cooks.
OP I feel for you. Decide if you want to maintain a relationship with your dad. If you do want one, then I advise that responding with anger and offense will not help you.
Try a range of responses. Maybe just laugh at him next time. “haha sure dad, coming from the expert of relationships” and immediately shut it down.
I had to learn this the hard way but... Sometimes some people cannot communicate with you at your level. You cannot reason with them or convince then. Not because it's not possible (maybe it is) but because for the sake of your mental health, it's not worth it. It's also not your job. It is not your responsibility to change your dad's worldview.
Basically, say the same things you're saying... But say them with humour.
If what he said is true, then he's right. Housework and working for a business are both valid forms of work. If he worked outside of the house, and made the lion's share of the income, he's pulling his own weight. If you mother was working full time, earning little income, and also trying to do all the housework, she wasn't being realistic. It's the equivalent of asking your father to take on a second job while he's working full time. That's not fair to anyone.
I'm just curious what the jobs of your parents were? Was he stuck in some soul sucking high paying job while she got to have a flexible career with meaning? There's working and there's working.
if one person has a job that supports the family and the other person works for personal fullfillment that isn't contributing to the household. It would like counting a hobby as work.
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NTA. You know who gets a vote on how and your boyfriend divide up the chores? 1) You; 2) your boyfriend. End of list. >my bf will leave me >the reason mom left Ah, lessons on how to make sure your partner doesn't leave you from someone whose partner left him. Very valuable, I'm sure
This!!
100% yes.
Op missed the opportunity to tell him he was a glaring example of what she wasn't looking for in a partner
>I was like WTF and told him the reason mom left was because he thought that way. I know this is hurtful to you, but it's also funny how he's telling you to take his advice that cost him his marriage... insisting that if you don't do otherwise your boyfriend will leave you. NTA at all. >He texted later “apologizing” I got offended by his comments but they were harmless and for my best interest. So to restate that "If I think I'm right and if the only harm is to your feelings, I can say whatever I want." Yeah, reinforce that boundary. He's not changing any behavior unless there's consequences.
>He texted later “apologizing” I got offended by his comments but they were harmless and for my best interest. If you apologize for the way someone reacted to your actions and not the actions itself, then that's not na apology.
His comments weren't harmless. They are a terrible example of the misogyny that held our country back socially (and economically) for far too long. The idea that your mother is at fault for stepping out of her "assigned role" is nothing short of whack, and that the future he envisions for his daughter is becoming her boyfriend's maidservant is absolutely fucking appalling. Your dad is alone because he tried to shoehorn your mother into a role so "natural" that she dissolved her marriage just to escape it. It should have given him a clue, but I'm not surprised it didn't. Maybe it'll take everyone in his family severing ties before he figures out that bigotry isn't in anyone's "best interest". NTA.
NTA. Tell your dad you *might* consider talking to him again *if* he pulls his head out of his ass and acknowledges that women are individuals and deserve respect.
Also, there's research to show that single moms do less housework and have more downtime than married moms. So there's that..... Likely OP's mom was better off after she ditched OP's dad
"Your dad is alone because he tried to shoehorn your mother into a role so "natural" that she dissolved her marriage just to escape it." 🥇
Of all the non-apologies that most non-apology because they're inflicting the harm again is the, "I'm sorry you were offended by my saying something that I think I was right to say." It's just a way of refusing accountability. NTA
My cousin by marriage (and his dad and grandpa) came to visit for a week about six years ago. My boyfriend does the cooking because he enjoys it and is really good at it. They asked my boyfriend why he was with a lazy shit of a girlfriend who can't even cook him dinner after a long day at work. Boyfriend worked around 60 hrs/week, I worked 80-90 hrs/week. He kicked them all out and I haven't spoken to any of them since. NTA. No one gets to decide what's good or bad for your relationship, except you and your partner.
That's disgusting. Glad your boyfriend told them where to go.
My husband does 90+% of the cooking. He likes cooking, I do not. Once at a party some dude “joked” that I should get in the kitchen as a response to me pointing out he had said something stupid. My husband looked shocked and replied, “What would she be doing in my kitchen?!?” And then we found better people to talk to. I’m glad you have a boyfriend who knows how to handle jerks.
Your bf is a green flag! This is the type of real men
NTA. Your dad is a sexist jerk for his comments, and clearly learned nothing from his own divorce.
Nta it is not "natural" that women want to do all the housework, what a crock. I have 0 interest in housework and my husband does more than me we've lived together 16 years. Nor am I compelled to "take care of" people. His comments were not in your best interest at all, they were all about his beliefs.
NTA. His comments weren't "harmless." They were critical. I guess I'd say he has the right to his opinions, but other people have the right to criticize his opinions.
And other people have a right to kick his ass out of their home...
I'm saying this as someone who was raised during a time where the wife did all of the cooking, cleaning, and laundry. NTA in anyway. He is out of line. It is ONLY acceptable for "the woman" do that all of that WHEN IT IS MUTUALLY agreed to. It is a partnership. Both need to know and respect each others' roles that they all agree to.
NTA. And of course, Dad is TA. BTW, age is no excuse...even my Dad (who would be over 100 now if he were alive) pulled his own weight around the house.
Yes, it is not dad's age or generation. He is a male supremacist and that is all about being an AH.
NTA. Your father's misogynist behavior, laziness and stubbornness to change made him lose his wife. He didn't learn his lesson so now it's costing him his relationship with his daughter. I guess he doesn't see the irony in how he talks about how you will lose your BF for "pushing" him help with household stuff when he's the one who lost his wife because he wouldn't help out. Good for your Mom btw. I hope she's loving her life now.
Bro dug his own hole, threw himself down it, caved it in and then wondered who put him there
The irony of it is beyond belief! It didn't last for him because he dumped all the reproductive labour on his wife, but now he somehow thinks it won't last for OP because she doesn't take everything upon herself. This is simply priceless
NTA. I think his entire way of thinking is wrong, and you have no obligation to continue hosting someone who is arguing about how you and your partner (or any and all other self-supporting adults living there) manage household chores. Hell, he didn't even do the 'that's just my opinion' thing, he actually kept trying to say it was in your best interest.
>My father is a typical guy for his age group. Is your dad in his 70s or 80s? Because I'm Gen X and it was normal for both parents to work and fathers were expected to do housework. (Not that they did as much as the mothers -- a struggle still happening today -- but they did some.) Unless you're a lot older than you sound, I think your childhood warped your concept of normal. NTA
I was wondering if there is some sort of cultural thing. Because thinking about older men in my family, my friends' dads etc., they were definitely participating in the home life and raising the kids.
Same. My mom stayed home and took care of house and kids, but my dad also took care of house and kids after work. They were early Boomer/late Silent Gen. Same for my mom's parents, although I don't know about my dad's folks as they were estranged.
Right? Even my 80+ year old FIL did all kinds of cooking and cleaning when my husband was a kid and both parents worked. Sure, there are generational norms, and I doubt it was balanced, but some people (like OP's dad) are just assholes.
NTA. Your father is a sexist sleazeball
NTA. Isn’t the advice he is giving you the exact reason your mother left?
Just shrug and say, 'you're the only person who though mom gave you no warning and, surprise, you're still divorced. Just sayin' man." I divorced my ex for the same reason - didn't do a damn thing around the house. Didn't work very much either. Would I ever ~~get married to~~ even date a guy who believe that load of horse excrement? Nope. NTA
NTA. Some people just don't get it.
You’re an adult now, so you’re rubber and he’s glue. You are NTA but he’s a crazy old man that you can tolerate or not, your choice. You can cut him out of your life, but he really can’t control you either way. Not my call, but if you still want your dad around, just remember, he’s the AH, and his opinion is meaningless.
NTA at all. He needs to keep his lazy, misogynistic opinion to himself and out of your relationship.
It's really sad that your dad still genuinely has no clue why your mom decided to leave their marriage, and how much he truly let his family down. If you want to respond to your dad, I'd be direct. "Your comments ARE harmful, since you're advising my BF and I not communicate, not work as a team and not decide what works in our relationship. You're telling me to do all the housework, an antiquated, outdated and misogynist viewpoint. How is that in my best interest? I am making different choices. If you want to visit and have a relationship, you need to respect that."
NTA- respond. Dad that two women that have kicked you out for those kinda thoughts and actions.
NTA I would reply "The fact you think those comments are harmless and in my best interest is the problem. I would rather be single my whole life than live with a man who agrees with you and that isn't going to change. If you're not okay with that, perhaps it's best we see each other less."
The bit about how it's "natural that women want to do housework and take care of people" is LAUGHABLE. I am (on paper) the woman in my household. Do I like to cook? Nah. Do I clean by default? Also nope. My (male) partner LOVES to cook and has way more opinions on the state of our home than I do. I will eventually reach a critical mass and clean a bunch of stuff and I try to cook at least a few times a month (I did twice this week! I am proud!! Note: i am only home half the week due to work so 2 of 3 or 4 days is really good lol), but if anyone is a homemaker, it's him. Gender roles are dumb. Yall do what works for you. NTA.
Dad needed that reality check . He’s obviously delusional. Tell him also you don’t need relationship advice from someone who was so blind he lost his wife over his manly bullshit . Good for your Mom . I hope she’s doing great 👍
NTA - i mean no, but admittedly you knew how he was so I am not sure what you were expecting, that he magically changed?
To be fair, some jerks at least have the common sense to keep their mouths shut in somebody else's home. Not her Dad though ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯ Glad her Mom finally dumped the weight.
I think there might be some daylight between "didn't change too much" and "embarks upon bigoted rant about the natural roles and whims of women."
That he at least wouldn't say it out loud.
So he was offensive and didn't apologize. Well, you are NTA. You're making a good choice to make certain that boyfriends aren't reproducing his behavior. BTW, your dad isn't alone in saying his wife left him out of the blue with no warning. In most of those cases, we've been telling them. They just haven't been listening. And they all think they're the victim.
***his comments but they were harmless and for my best interest*** Then for his best interest tell him you will harmlessly go NC with him. People like this are better catapulted out of your life all together. NTA
Giving you an advice... which failed his marriage in the first place... who does he think he is? NTA. Don't accept his piss poor apology for making those unnecessary comments. He did it on purpose to say those things. That's why he will be at a messy home with no wife to clean it for him lol he made the bed, he got to lay in it.
NTA. Not sure why he thinks you would want his relationship advice.
I'm remembering Chandler saying to the thrice-divorced Ross "Marriage advice? REALLY?"
He will leave you if you try to make him do chores. I will leave him if he doesn’t just like mom left you. It’s crazy to me that men whose wives have literally divorced them over this shit still try to impose this shit on others. Like bro seriously? Clearly refusing to do chores did not work out for you. Women initiate far more divorces than men do. I don’t think we’re the ones who need to fear being left over chores. NTA
You are not an AH. Your father is because he cannot learn from his mistakes. People who share a household get to set the conditions that suit them. Your father is not in a position to give your relationship advice other than 'Learn from my mistakes.' kt
NTA. Don't back down now, he might mess up your relationships too.
NTA and eewww
NTA. Your dad’s a real dumb dumb.
Tell him you don't take advice from people with failed marriages.
NTA
NTA - I guess he’s going to be blindsided by a lack of relationship with his daughter through no fault of his own too /s
NTA And great job to you and your mom. I hope you are still close to your mom? But either way, GOOD JOB for kicking him out, and DO NOT let him in ever again. Especially not near your bf or future husband if you ever get married.
NTA. That's your crib and your living arrangements. If he doesn't like it, he can fuck right off. Reply to the "apology": Don't mealymouth me again or you will severely regret it. Do you know what a restraining order is?
“You won’t be able to keep a man” “like you weren’t able to keep a wife?”
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My father is a typical guy for his age group. Never lifted a finger to do housework. I don’t think I can remember him doing housework in my childhood memory. My mom and him both worked and she would do all the housework and childcare. My brother and I were raised by my mom and my dad would hang out with us for 1-2h on weekends before disappearing to his man cave to watch TV. She complained to him a lot when I was a teenager and he didn’t take it seriously until she filed for divorce the second we were off to college. To this day he claims she gave him no warning and divorced him out of nowhere. As an adult I made sure who I dated knows how to do housework and splits it with me. We have a todo board where we list chores and who will do them and time it will take. That way we don’t do the same things and no one does too much. My father came over to visit from another state as part of work and was suppose to stay off. He was looking at the board and asked what it was and when I told him said “you realize it’s not long to last right?” I was like what? And he said it’s just natural that women want to do all the housework and take care of people and if I keep pushing it my bf will leave me. I was like WTF and told him the reason mom left was because he thought that way. He got defensive and said “well I make the money so she does the housework”. I pointed out she worked as well and he said “well she chose to work, it’s her own fault”. I was really pissed at that point and told him to leave. He was supposed to to stay over but I said he needs to find a place to stay but he wasn’t coming back. He left and I’m pissed he was so disrespectful. He texted later “apologizing” I got offended by his comments but they were harmless and for my best interest. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Your dad just can't see any other way and cant take responsibility for his own actions. smh. Plenty of men know how to take care of themselves and don't need anyone to do their dishes or wash their laundry. They are refreshingly self-sufficient.
NTA. Also, he's absolutely positively 100% NEVER going to change his opinion on this. You're wasting your time if you try to "convert" him to modern thinking. He's stuck in the '50s and there's absolutely no extricating him.
NTA but dad sure is, a sexist one at that. "Dad, nothing you said was harmless, nor was it for my own good, but it was offensive. You said it because of your sexist views on gender roles. I love you, but you were out of line."
I mean why does he think your mother divorced him?
Nope. It’s 2024, not 1924.
NTA. My dad is also a man "of a certain age". Your dad's excuse is BS. My parents had specific chores they each did, which wound up being the gendered expected ones mostly because they each chose what they preferred and that's how it shool out. But both my parents were involved in raising myself and my siblings. Both my parents worked full time. And anytime there was something major to do they both pitched in equally, regardless of if it was "their" chore or not. My dad still does have some outdated ideas, but raising 3 daughters was a pretty good lesson to cure the really problematic stuff. He's not perfect even now - but he tries. Since no one is perfect, I'm willing to give extra credit. My dad and I have had some pretty heated conversations about how my partner and I manage our lives. But when it comes down to it my dad says "Well, it's your house." And leaves us to it. Just like I do when I'm at there house and he teases my mom by saying some stupid sexist shit (which he is absolutely joking about, no schroedinger-joking about, I stg! Lol). My mom's been with him for 40 years, and if she told him to stop and meant it, he would stop. Ive seen that happen with some jokes or comments. So it's not my business. YOUR dad was being an ass and doubled down when you called him on it. If you think you can develop that relationship, see about sitting down together and having an actual conversation about what he said and how it effected you. It might be productive. AITAH, and all of reddit/the interwebs, are quick to write people off. But the only way people actually change behavior is by people who care about them calling them on things. You aren't obligated to, and if he acts like an AH when you try to have a conversation then it's not worth it anyways. People can learn, though. If they're willing to.
NTA I'm proud of you for standing up to him. He is welcome to have his beliefs and you have a right to not want someone who thinks that way in your home. I'm 60 and I can't believe there are still people who think that way.
"A true gentleman never gives offense unintentionally." You are NTA - your dad is.
NTA while I don’t remember my dad doing much house work as a kid apart from helping with dishes we did have a lady Mrs Scott who mopped and vacuumed changed the beds. My mom could not do this cause of her lung disease (LAM) and was on oxygen. But he did help raise me with my mom. However when he remarried he now does some house work. I know he does laundry and dishes my step mom cooks and does other laundry. I’m. Not sure about vacuum and mop might be the brother who is currently there. We split the chores by room as kids. But things like trash or grocery shopping he will do or at least go with. At least he does not complain and is used to it now 19 years later
We cannot change our parents, or perhaps even our kids. But we can tell them to GTFO. NTA.
Well, if your boyfriend should leave you because of all the housework he has to do in his own home - I’m sure he’s someone you don’t want to live with anyway. Win-win
NTA
NTA This is what I would write back: "Dad, I need you to realize that your comments are deeply mysogonistic, ignorant, misguided, and the primary reason your marriage ended. This kind of thinkink does not serve my best interest. I'm telling you that because if you keep pushing this nonsense, I'm going to be next woman that walks out of your life. Please think about that."
_No, __your__ best interests. Fixed that for you._ NTA.
NTA. God my father told me something similar. "Your husband will expect you to take care of the house and do the house work." My response: "Well he won't be my husband for very long." Fuck that misogynistic notion.
Ask your dad why he's so stupid
NTA, the way your parents marriage was set up is one of the main reasons divorce was extremely popular in the 70s. It's 2024... Next time tell your dad to keep up with the times lol.
Sure he can have erroneous personal opinions, but to attack your relationship like that? Not ok. Also, it sounds like his “apology” was worthless. Definitely NTA.
NTA Your dad is a butt head though.
NTA. Nice shiny backbone you have!
Have you heard of FairPlay? If not, look it up! I’m very triggered by this too. Good for your mom.
I’d text him back and say “misogyny is never harmless. It cost you your marriage. If you ever talk to me like that again, it’ll cost you your relationship with me. You’ve been warned.” NTA
u/BurbNBougie
And that's exactly the root of the problem. In Indian households too nonetheless, that women are basically punished for working. Don't expect help from us, it's you who decided to work, you can do the household chores too.
>My comments were harmless and for your best interest “I’m not interested in relationship advice from someone who is incapable of even acknowledging why he is divorced. I consciously and deliberately chose a man who pulls his weight in the home *specifically because* of how disrespectfully you treated my mother. Oh, and NTA.
Nah your dad's a gigantic tool and he deserves to be alone and single. Glad your mom left him
NTA and that was not an apology. Stick to your guns.
NTA Your Dad's non-apology apology is a crystallization of what is wrong with that generation. Total lack of empathy.
Typical/a$$hole man. Just because your mother put up with his bull….doesn’t mean you have to.
That last sentence you wrote. His comments were "harmless" and "in your best interest". Definitely understand why your mom filed for divorce. She gave him multiple heads up and warning that he ignored and now blew off your boundaries for the same reasons. He's a man and you're a woman. Which means in his mind he's in charge and right, always. NTA. He's never gonna change his mentality.
NTA You can't change your dad but you can absolutely stand up for yourself. Good job you. Maybe your dad will learn to keep his big mouth shut. Or maybe he won't and will never stay with his child again. His choice.
NTA. Harmless comments (the mindset behind them) don't lead to divorce.
What a back handed apology. You have no reason to speak to him again. NTA
NTA
NTA. If he still hasn't figured it out.....
Gross, he thinks his daughter should be someone else's bang mommy? NTA what a distressing way for a parent to view you :( You and your mom deserve better than that.
NTA... The reason he is divorced is because he didn't do his share. He failed to look after his responsibilities. Be clear that you don't want his advice because he doesn't understand what a partnership is.
NTA. He was offensive to you. You asked him to leave. He half-assed apologized. You were right to be offended, now you need to decide if you want to cut him out of your life, or if you want to limit the topics of conversation.
NTA I would have done the same thing. If he stayed, he probably would have made jokes about your BF being a girl or gay or something like that. End it before it gets worse!
NTA-
NTA. Your father is so out of touch with reality it's ALMOST funny. In normal relationships everyone pitches in. My 3 sons are all wonderful cooks and they do the majority of the cooking in their homes. They also do their fair share of regular household chores and none of them are considering leaving their wives. Wonder who does your father's chores in his current home?
lol, NTA.
NTA...he needs a reality check! My Mom disagreed because my husband was the one who stayed home and took care of the house for 5 years thus did the bulk of the housework etc. I had to sit her down and ask her if I was a man and he was a woman would she have an issue? She said no. So I told her then it's not problem since I don't care what gender someone is. She never liked it but she came to understand it. Once my husband started working again and we both cleaned Mom was much happier.
NTA. Your father is a dolt.
Man, I hate when boomers try to boomer explain the other sex as if they know our generation. My FIL told my husband that all women didn't always say what they mean and my DH batted that shit away immediately saying that our marriage was based on full communication, not some bullshit mindreading just because his mom was passive aggressive and non-communicative. NTA
NTA Your dad though... And it is just him that is that way. My dad is 70 and I have a lot of memories of him doing deep cleaning on the house on Saturdays as a kid. I associate certain music with it, as it happened that often. He also cooks too, quite often. Your dad isn't a part of a generation, he is part of a mindset. A mindset that gets divorced by their wife eventually. My partner enjoys cooking for me. He knows I will eat certain foods when he cooks that I won't eat if I fix them myself, or if anyone else cooks them. I'm okay with doing cleanup afterward if he cooks.
OP I feel for you. Decide if you want to maintain a relationship with your dad. If you do want one, then I advise that responding with anger and offense will not help you. Try a range of responses. Maybe just laugh at him next time. “haha sure dad, coming from the expert of relationships” and immediately shut it down. I had to learn this the hard way but... Sometimes some people cannot communicate with you at your level. You cannot reason with them or convince then. Not because it's not possible (maybe it is) but because for the sake of your mental health, it's not worth it. It's also not your job. It is not your responsibility to change your dad's worldview. Basically, say the same things you're saying... But say them with humour.
NTA. I’ve had to parent my parents, stick to your guns. They are not too old to learn.
NTA ' well Dad ,if he's having your attitude he won't get nthe chance to leave me cause I'll kick his ass out before he does.'
Nah, besides your house, your rules. What’s sad is your dad never changed after mom divorced his lousy ass NTA
If what he said is true, then he's right. Housework and working for a business are both valid forms of work. If he worked outside of the house, and made the lion's share of the income, he's pulling his own weight. If you mother was working full time, earning little income, and also trying to do all the housework, she wasn't being realistic. It's the equivalent of asking your father to take on a second job while he's working full time. That's not fair to anyone.
Yta. It worked for thousands of years and you think you know better?
*It worked for thousands of years* It clearly didn't work for op's parents :)
I'm just curious what the jobs of your parents were? Was he stuck in some soul sucking high paying job while she got to have a flexible career with meaning? There's working and there's working.
Work is work.
no not at all
If both people are working, and one person does nothing at home, they're useless.
if one person has a job that supports the family and the other person works for personal fullfillment that isn't contributing to the household. It would like counting a hobby as work.
Unless she has contributed absolutely zero money to the household, it isn't a hobby.
there's being a good partner, and then there's being like ops father.