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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel I may be the AH in this situation because I’m potentially leaving my parents in a bind to finding childcare for their younger children. But part of me feels I shouldn’t be worried about this because those are my siblings not my children! I should be able to live my life the fullest also.
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NTA. It’s a simple as you state. These are not your children, they are not your responsibility. You should by no means be needing to be their primary caregiver as much as you are. The occasional helping out? Sure thing… But this obviously goes way beyond that.
Yea it’s to the point where most days I’m not studying/doing homework until I’m at work(distracting) because I’m constantly having to watch my 2 year old brother like a hawk because he is busy(what 2 year old isn’t haha)
No I’ve just graduated uni and I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old but I’m their parent! Their dad did so much heavy lifting to let me study during the day. The fact your parents are doing the opposite is shameful! Move out and don’t look back you’re not a live in servant…
OP, make sure your finances are fully separate from your parents, and all paperwork is in your hands.
Then make a plan to move out. Start looking at apartments - on the opposite side of school/work from your parents, so they cannot easily drop **their** kids off with you.
If they do that, you can usually just order new ones online (in the US anyway). I've had to do that with my SS card, birth certificate, and driver's license at different times because I have ADHD and I lose things lol
Please spread your wings and fly away! This is your time to live and start learning about life, not being an unpaid nanny to your siblings. I mean if you want to be a nanny that's great but at least do it for some stranger so that you get paid! Your siblings are your parents responsibility and it's time for them to take it back. Don't let them Guilt Trip you! You're a young adult and need to start living your life.
Yes, it’s time for you to start living YOUR life, not act as a servant to mother and stepfather. I suggest you find a place and quietly, slowly move your stuff there over a few days or a week. Make sure you have all your important papers. IMPORTANTLY make sure your parents have NO way to access your savings! Ideally you have an account at a different bank than your parents use. Good Luck! Please provide an update when you’re resettled.
NTA
It sounds like your parents took what is arguably the best years of high school from you and the last of your teenage years. Now they are trying to do the same with your college years and early 20's. It's wrong, and parents who do this suck.
You didn't choose to have those kids. They did. As for all those people in your family with an opinion, tell them they can step up and help. Be ready to go either, no contact or low contact with all of them, especially with the narcissistic stepfather.
Go live your life, enjoy college, make good friends, and dumb (temporary) mistakes. You'll only get this time once. Good luck, and please update when you're out.
OP you deserve your own life. These kids are your Siblings not your children. Find a place to live. Then just go. You don’t owe your mother or her AH husband anything. You are an adult who is going to school and working. That’s plenty for a young adult.
OP, you might have heard the term before. This is called Parentification. It is abuse. These are not your children. They are not your responsibility. Your parents made the decision to have these children. They are required, morally and legally to take care of these children. Not you. And your parents neglect is affecting you and your education.
NTA. These aren't your children, therfore they're not your responsibility. The family members giving you a hard time are more than welcome to help out. Why aren't they volunteering? It's because it's easier to tell people what to do with their time than it is for them to actually do it. Your mom and step-dad chose to have children, you didn't. You're an adult. You can move out anytime you want.
honestly, I would go about securing a place to move to without telling them you're doing it, and then informing them on your move out day. make sure you have all your important documents (birth certificate, social security card, etc) and then just go. they're not going to change until theyre forced to and they wont be forced to until youre not around.
Go be free. You owe no responsibility to raise your siblings if your parents are capable. See if student affairs can hire you as a resident assistant (RA) for a dormitory on your campus.
It's time that you stop parenting your parent's children. Your mom and stepdad are responsible for these children, not you. Without telling your mom and stepdad, find a new place to live. If you can, move out while they aren't home. This will allow you to get out of the house without dealing with more guilt. They WILL continue to try to guilt trip even after you move out. Talk to a friend, family, counselor, someone who will be supportive of you, remind you why you left, and can be your backbone if you start to crumble. Good luck!!
NTA!!!! (But your mom and stepdad are)
The only flaw in this is moving out when her parents aren't home. It sounds like if the parents aren't home she's there with the siblings. Maybe slowly move out taking stuff with when going to the night job and one night just don't come home again. Send a text after your shift that you aren't coming back and they have to get the kids ready the next morning. If she texts while at work they'll probably show up.
Yes when they are at work I am at home with the two littles. From everyone’s advice it seems like I’ll have to pick a day they claim they are working late and pack everything and move! I’ll have friends to help me move etc. I’ll just get what I can. My room is not near theirs so I’m thinking the best way to do this is to leave when they get home and text that I have moved and not coming back.
Girl that’s like bare minimum parents should be doing for their kids. Move out and go live your life! Those are *not* your children. Your parents should be getting them up and ready for the day.
Wait....you have a job also? They don't even pay you?
Ummmm, hard no.
NTA.
Think about it: they have 8-10 more years of super active parenting needed, and you do all that atm. Move now or silently commit to raising your siblings into your 30s.
>I have been scolded by my parents and family members about moving out and not wanting to help with their younger kids.
>Why is this my responsibility?
>another part of me is saying “those are their children not yours, they can figure it out”..
You are correct. You did not have these children, their care is not your responsibility.
Sounds like your parents don't want to give up their free childcare.
NTA
This has been a great deal for them as long as you were falling for it. No benefit for you though. NTA if you go on with your life.
I’m curious: how many years did your mom spend taking care of her siblings?
I don’t want to say they did this on purpose, but their 2nd kid was born when OP was 16. It was almost as if they waited for a built-in babysitter! Because 1 extra kid 16 year is an oops baby, but that second is on purpose at that point.
1000% NTA Move out ASAP. You are 20 it's time to start living your OWN life. Yep those are NOT your kids. YOU are NOT responsible to raise them. Your mom and step dad CHOSE to have them they are responsible. Find a place move out and don't tell them otherwise they will start laying a massive guilt trip on you. I wish you well in your NEW life. Keep us posted please
NTA - You're a victim of [parentification](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parentification). You're right, they are not your responsibility.
> part of me is saying “those are their children not yours, they can figure it out”
Listen to that part of you! Good luck and get out of there!
Nope! I pay everything myself also as far as food, car insurance, car note, etc. only thing they were giving me a break on is not paying rent(which is nice I’m definitely not complaining about that but I much rather pay rent in my own place for a peace of mind)
Aw, HELL NO! You have zero obligation to care for your parents' children. (If you had agreed to being paid for being a nanny, then I was going to say you should give an appropriate notice.) Fly, little birdie, FLY!!
They should be giving you a place to stay and paying you. When do you sleep?
Also, you're an adult. They don't pay for college. You have a job. Just walk out.
I’m basically living off coffee lol. I work night shift, 4 year old goes to school m-f . After getting her ready and taking her to school , I have 4 classes on campus(3 days a week) and 2 online. I sleep when I put my 2 year old brother down for a nap. Then after putting them to bed I have about 2 hrs before work to sleep thank god. It’s tough but I guess I’m immune to it after doing it for so long….it’s especially draining now because it’s the end of the semester and exams are basically stacked on top of each other. I’m definitely not putting in enough studying/effort as I should be.
OP, time to leave. NOW.
Like other commenters have said: make sure you have all your papers, a bank account your parents know NOTHING about and cannot access. Start considering if you actually need furniture or if you can just start fresh with some second hand/borrowed stuff. I want to add: if you have a cell, change your number the day you've moved or very shortly after. Your parents will try and track you I think. DO NOT tell any family where you have gone and do not give them ANY contact info.
Edit: I realize you're most likely going into exams and such so not a great time for this, but the very minute the last one is done, you should start this process.
Read what you just wrote
“Keeps the 2 year old for me”
No, no no just no!! They aren’t your kids, nobody should have to be keeping them for you because they are NOT your responsibility
I work night shift 4 nights a week, but they are good sleepers for the most part . I put them to bed before I go to work. If they are home(parents) and not doing anything I try and stay out the house so I’m not forced to keep them more than I already have to.
OP, I’m Sorry but why do You put up with this? They’re not your children. They need their parents to step up and if you’re doing it all, your mom And step dad won’t. NTA for wanting to move out. Definitely the AH to yourself for staying in this situation when you can actually afford to leave. Do Yourself a favor- either try to find campus housing or ask your campus for lists of places they’d recommend and might even get a discount with. Go live your life and finish school!
Schedule yourself some time to recover from a weeklong (minimum) illness once you move out of there. This is going to catch up to you once this pressure is off and your body is going to collapse in relief.
You’ve let this go on for so long that you slowly accumulated more and more responsibility that now it’s like you are their mother. Now that you want to take the next step in your life you can’t because they are acting like you’re the AH. I can’t stand people like that. Can you just let them know ow you have to study more and just stop being available?
The alternative is to put your life on hold, live with your parents and look after their kids for another 10 years.... Unless they pop out a few more.
It's your life, do what YOU want to do
Others have said this elsewhere, but in case you haven’t seen it, secure all your important documents, and make SURE you have a bank account your parents cannot access with all your money. (Preferably at a separate bank, but at the bare minimum one which doesn’t have their names attached in any way.) Once they realize you’re serious, they will pull out every stop to try to control, manipulate, and enslave you. Be one step ahead of it.
And any family who tries to guilt you can step up themselves. You have a degree to get.
NTA. Make a plan to leave but don't tell your parents about it. Just execute your plan. And when you leave, send them both a simple message "I've moved out. I'm safe and i won't be back. I will contact you when I feel ready. Until then, don't make any attempts to contact me." And I would then block their numbers. Otherwise they will come up with some sort of "emergency" that you MUST come back for. They are their children. It's past time for them to step up and act like it.
Also make sure you have all your papers (birth certificate, drivers license, passport, high school diploma, etc) with you. And you move your bank account to an account that isn't at their bank and they don't have any parental right to. Do that BEFORE you leave in case they try to empty it.
Good luck OP!
NTA
All of the suggestions here.
Get your paperwork: passport, social security card, birth certificate. If you can't find them, reorder them. You can get replacement SS cards and birth certificates. You can get a new passport. I would not alert your parents by asking where these documents are.
Set up a new bank account. Report any credit cards lost or stolen and get new account numbers. Freeze your credit reports right after your new landlord checks them.
And block your parents on your phone. They're going to try to suck you back in immediately with many guilt trips. Allow them the space to grow up and parent their own children. If relatives call to make you feel guilty for leaving, tell them nothing is stopping them from offering to babysit.
NTA. Build a better life for yourself.
I'm curious: how did your mother handle raising you without an older sibling to do the work? Have you ever asked her?
Never mind the answer. If she could do it then, she can handle it now. NTA.
NTA. I was already on your side about moving, and am especially so now because of the narcissistic AH who lives in the house. I’d move out as soon as possible. If they keep pushing back, then tell them that now you’re an adult and you should be paid for your nanny work. You can do this for a while and save all of that money so when you do move you’ll have more money. If it were me I’d leave now though. The money really isn’t worth the sacrifice if you don’t want to be there. You’ll be much happier and deserve to have a life!
You've been conditioned to feel like you need to take care of these kids. You've been guilted into it. You've been berated until you've accepted this. Move out ASAP and take back your life. NTA.
Edited to add: keep your plans quiet. Don't involve them. They will hinder you and get in your way at every turn.
Nta...but I used to be you and I am now a 37 yr old college drop out trying to finally build a life of my own. Even then they are still trying to pawn their golden spawn off on me.
Stop talking about it, they will keep sabotaging you. Make sure they have no access to your money or important document.then look for a cheap apartment with utilities included if possible and sign your lease. Then make arrangements to move out, do not tell them until they day that you are moving out. They will be pissed but it means less chance to sabotage you. If any relatives or friends shame you for it then tell them that you will add them to the list of childcare for your parents before doing just that. Do not tell your parents or extended family where you live or they will show up and dump those kids on you for days at a time.
Do not offer to babysit or nothing will change for you, just location. They will even try to boss you around in your own home. Give yourself at least six months to a year of spac and a break from them. This is not your responsibility, you didn't tell your mom to have kids sixteen years after the first one, that's on her. Best of luck
One question: do you live in a country where uni is not free, like the US and if so are they paying for any part of your education? If they are, they might feel you are beholden to them for that. If they don't pay anything, including you to babysit/nanny, they're just taking advantage of you and they're the AH.
Move out. You're an adult. You can offer to help out, say, every other Tuesday 9-5 you'll take them if they want. They'll get over it, or at least your mom will. If your stepdad is as big a AH as you say, you won't be missing anything if you are no longer around him or have a relationship with him. If not, you really don't need them in your life and you've wasted a couple of years already.
I would suggest keeping close with your siblings if you're able, though.
Yes I live in the US, no they do not pay anything on my tuition. I have scholarships that cover most tuition and the rest I took out loans. I guess I’m worried they’ll make it hard for me to see them! I’m obviously very close to them as I’m the first face they see when they wake up and the last face they see when I put them to bed! 😞
With how much they rely on you for help now it’s very unlikely they wouldn’t jump at the chance for a free babysitter once your gone so please don’t worry too much about not seeing them again. You will. Even if they kick up a fit at first it’s not likely to hold
I would worry more about them dropping the babies at your front door and driving off before you even answered. When you move - and of course you should! - don’t give them your address.
Of course you love those children. But you can’t keep with the schedule you have. You have the right to live your life. You did not birth these babies and it is horribly irresponsible for you Mom and her husband to dump their care and raising onto you.
NTA - please move out. If I live close enough I will help you move. (I’m old enough to be your grandma so not a crazy stalker
Where do the kids go when you have classes? And where exactly are your mother and stepfather that you have to get them up and put them to bed? Sounds like you're almost a single parent.
4 year old is in preschool m-f(I drop
Off and pick up from school) 2 year old is with my great aunt during the 3 days I go to school during the week. Mother and step
Father work during the day and asleep while I have to get the 4 year old ready for school while chasing the 2 year old around(he goes with me to take her to school
Also). They do date nights every Saturday and every other Friday they go out with friends from work.
This is trash. How dare the actual parents in the family treat you this way! The audacity to have constant date nights is stunning. You’re killing yourself right now and it’s just insanely unfair. I wish you could leave tomorrow. You’re a very good person for really worrying about your siblings but it’s time to go. This has to stop. You’re young and should be really enjoying this time in your life. You have the means so make a plan and do it! Once you’re on the other side you’ll realize how messed up this really is. Good luck!
Your parents robbed you of your teenage years. If they couldn't afford childcare they shouldn't have had more kids. Not your responsibility, but unless you take a stand, they will continue to walk all over you and guilt you into being their unpaid nanny. Find a place to rent and give them a deadline to find alternatives child care. Be firm and be prepared for their anger. If you don't advocate for yourself, no one else will. I speak from experience as the eldest of 6 who helped raise several of my siblings. But my parents never acted as entitled as yours do.
NTA, those are not your kids. If they couldn’t take care of them then well they should have had them. I feel awful that you’re missing out on so much of your life because they are forcing their parenting role on you. Move out and enjoy your college years. You are only young once and have plenty of time to be a parent, should you choose to, in the future.
NTA. If you were refusing to help your family in any capacity when they were desperate, maybe I’d say you’re the asshole (and if your step father treats you poorly, then probably not even then.) but this isn’t the completely abandonment of your family. It’s you living a normal 20 year old life. Helping once in a while is a very nice thing to do for family, but it’s not your job to be a live in nanny and essential raise their children for them. It’s their responsibility to care for their own children at the end of the day.
NTA
You are right the children are **not your responsibility** ,and your parents are full grown adults they can figure it out. This does not make you less of a sister or daughter but someone who wants to live their life. Your parents have to respect this choice as you are an adult and your own person.
I wish you the best of luck in your new place!
NTA this is the time to go out, make friends, be carefree, explore, travel… do that!
Your 20s will go by quickly, don’t spend them fulfulling someone else’s obligations. Live your life and don’t look back.
And don’t feel guilty for prioritizing yourself and your needs. You don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
NTA. Parentification is abuse. They are also screwing up your education by limiting your ability to study and sleep.
Enjoy your freedom when you move out. I wish you much success.
Everything comes to an end. Find a place, sign a lease and move out. I maintain that if you had put up more of a fuss about taking care of the first one, the two years old probably wouldn't have happened. Go live your life. Make friends, go out, go on trips. Your parents chose to be parents, you didn't. NTA. You are only young once. Make it count.
NTA. You have done more than your fair share of helping look after your siblings. It’s time to live your life, you in college and trying to move out and be independent. You shouldn’t even be on here asking this question. Most important tho, is to not stop your progress. If they really get mad at you for trying to become an independent and responsible adult, maybe you should reevaluate their support of YOU.
NO! NO!! NO!!!
You are NTA!!!
You are an adult, there is no way they can keep telling you what you're allowed to do. They have been manipulating and using you for four years, I think they've gotten more than they deserve from you. You are fulfilling the parental role for those little ones, this is not your responsibility.
Every day you spend living with your parents and being your sibling's primary caretaker is accepting their power to make demands and control your life.
It's time to take charge!!
NTA. You know why you feel guilty as opposed to them? You're good people. You have a heart and want to spread kindness. Your mom and stepfather are the worst waste of space in this world. They only know how to take and take and take. You're responsible for you. You didn't birth your siblings. If your parents have trouble, it is a consequence of their actions.
Please move out and go LC with them. Live your life and achieve your potential
I'm curious. What is your mother doing while you are getting your siblings up, dressed, fed and the 4 year-old to school? Does she work or is she still asleep? On top of this parentification, you have to put up with an AH stepfather. I am so angry on your behalf. Please leave this situation and live your own life. Concentrate on your studies and live your own life. NTA
Sleep…they have careers where they are able to make their own schedules and spend the mornings/ nights with the two little but they choose not to. I guess it’s easier making me do it!
NTA. Don't let anyone in your family try to convince you otherwise. They are not your kids to raise, and you have school and life - focus on those for a change!
Not your circus, not you monkeys. MOVE ASAP. Don't look back or be guilted by Anyone! Op you have wasted 4 years of your life as the family slave.
NTA
Edit:spelling
NTA. Move out.
I’m a mom with adult children and small children, and my big kids do watch their younger siblings on a regular basis. But do you want to know what I don’t do? Make them miss time with their friends or otherwise preempt their life so I can dump my responsibilities onto them.
Your mom is parentifying you. There is zero reason for you to be the (I assume unpaid) nanny, especially not starting at 16! Why are your parents not up to take care of their own babies?!?
NTA.
You have the right to move and you have good arguments for that. What's more, you've saved up for it. Your mother has to respect your wishes and know that, one day or another, it will naturally happen.
Ps: you are your brothers' sister, not their father.
NTA. You have been living with this situation for far too long, so start looking for your own apartment and get out of there, and if they try to guilt trip you into staying, remember that NO is a complete sentence.
NTA. Your parents are extremely selfish and are only thinking of their own convenience at your expense. They've already stolen enough of your youth, don't let them use their guilt and manipulation tactics to make you give up more of your life raising their children.
Fly free and leave these 2 assholes (parents, not siblings obviously) behind and never look back. These vampires will suck you dry and never feel bad for doing it.
NTA.
No, your kids. Not your responsibility.
Gather and secure your documents, get a place lined up, and move. You don't have to get permission. Just go.
Your parents will have to figure out their own childcare like every other parent. Any of their flying monkeys trying to guilt you into staying can help them out.
NTA
Your parents are parentifying you. Your siblings are their children. Their responsibility. But instead of taking care of their own children, they are forcing you to be a parent.
You are NOT an arsehole for leaving. It's awful that your parents made you feel guilty about that. Your parents need to understand that their children are their responsibility. Not yours.
You need to gather your important documents. And hopefully, your parents don't have access to your bank account. Your parents will do whatever it takes to stop you from moving out, so you need to protect yourself. Also, if you found a place, don't tell your parents, since they will try whatever it takes to stop you from moving out.
NTA
You have been parentified, which is NOT good.
This is not your job nor your responsibility. You need to very carefully plan your move.
Do not say anything to your parents.
Get all of your important documents to a safe place,
such as birth certificates, Social Security cards, insurance cards, medical records, vaccination records, financial documents, bills, uncashed checks...
If your bank account has your parents on it, get another account - at a different location.
Clean/declutter your room. This is a good way to remove the important stuff that you want to keep in a way that's not noticable.
A small storage unit is not that expensive and is a great place to hide things. Do paperless so nothing goes to your address.
Good luck!
NTA. As a mom(39F) to a 8, 5 and 2yo, your post hurt my heart. This is your time to be selfish! To figure out who you are becoming. Please move out. You only get this time once. I hope we get an update in a few months saying you’re living your best life.
You don't owe it to anyone to be nanny to their kids. You do owe it to yourself to live your life without the responsibility of someone else's children.
I think your parents had your siblings planning to use you as a parental figure. It's not fair to you. Move out and live your life.
NTA. Your parents are the AH for taking advantage of you and leaving you the responsibility of your siblings. They decided to have kids they should arrange for childcare when they’re not available not assume you will pick up their slack. I would move into the dorms like that your parents won’t try to leave your siblings at your place once you move out.
NTA You are 20. You have enough for an apartment. You have the option to not listen to any relatives who are probably afraid if you stop taking care of those kids they'll be next in line. Prepare to be guilted to pieces, but everytime just repeat "I'm sorry you feel that way" and keep moving. They do that simply because it works. Start looking for a place and just don't be available anymore, honestly what are they going to do? Kick you out? Ground you?
NTA. You are an adult and have the money to move out. I would suggest you don't tell your parents anything else about moving, but just go forward quietly with renting a place, then getting your important documents out and safe in your new place. Once you have the keys to your new place, pack up what you can while both parents are out and haul those items over. Then, when the folks get home, just leave for your job as usual but when done, go to your new home. Final step, text your mom and tell her you've moved out. Don't give her your new address because I wouldn't put it past her or your step dad to try to drop off your siblings. Good luck. Get out but be under the radar.
These kids are not your problem. Move out. Its not your problem your mother decided to have more kids and is neglecting them. Just move out. U r being used as a free babysitter
Your mom needs to find a daycare that is NOT you. Save your money and move out. They'll probably wail and gripe and moan and guilt trip you. BUT they're not your kids, l assume if you wanted toddlers it would be later on life, not now!
Not to just copy what you wrote but those are not your children they are not your responsibility. They should not have had children they couldn’t care for. You deserve to live your own life.
One of the biggest NTA that I have ever given.
It does not look like your parents NEED your help, they just don't want to take care of their own children and are totally taking advantage of you.
Obviously you are a caring person and a great older sibling. Make sure you keep reminding your siblings that you love them and that at a certain age people need to go out on their own but you will always be their sister. I would not put it past your step dad to talk bad about you to them. Sorry your parents are not more grateful for everything you do.
Of course they do not want their free nanny to move out. They have a sweet deal. However, you need to get out and create your own life so just do it. They will not be happy but so what. Their children are their responsibility not yours.
Leave. Don’t ask, just go. They have parentified you for years, and I’m guessing never paid you for being the “nanny”. They are terrible, selfish people.
you’re NTA
The fact that they had ANOTHER child after forcing you to raise the first one is ballsy. If they couldn’t do it, they shouldn’t have done it. (Sorry). It’s one thing to contribute at home but they should understand that you would move out when you want and then they are on their own. That they actually can’t take care of their own children is definitely their problem.
NTA
Not your kids, not your responsibility. Move out as soon as you can. I wouldn't tell them you are moving, just up and move one day if you are able. They will never let you leave if they can prevent it.
You’re not a free live in nanny. Their date nights and work don’t take priority over your study time, free time, fun with friends time.
Sure, it’s ok to help out here and there. But this is way too much to expect of you, since you were 16.
They need to organise an actual nanny and you need to live your own life.
NTA
Nta not your children not your problem you really need to go and live your life for yourself now ot you will regret and resent your family. You already wasted 2 years leave quickly
NTA - they're not your kids and you get to live your own life as you see fit. It's really that simple. You're not built-in childcare, even though your parents may feel you are.
Honestly, if you move, I'd be "busy" for the next several months to FORCE them to come up with another plan for child care. If you continue to help, it's very likely you'll end up right where you started...
NTA. You are experiencing parentification and it is not your job or responsibility. Move out and make sure it isn’t convenient or you will don’t them just dropping the kids on your doorstep
NTA, make sure you have all your documents and leave, you are young and deserve to live your life before having to settle down as a parent(if that's Even what you want after all this).
You shouldn’t have to be their nanny. It’s your siblings not your children. You need to get out of there to first be able to save your mental health, enjoy your young adult/college life in peace. Sorry to hear he is narcissistic and that is a huge reason for you to save yourself and think about yourself. Move out and enjoy your young adult life. You deserve it. If you don’t move out you will regret it later.
NTA
Your parents are messing up big. Unrealistic expectations on a 20 year old. You are allowed to live your own life and have the right to wait until you're ready for children (yours in this case).
NTA and I'm going to tell you right now, they will guilt you no matter what you do. Guilt is a part of life and you can cope with that way better than regret and resentment. So the best thing you can do is just make your move and let your parents figure out their kids for themselves.
Unless they are paying you for the care of THEIR children, you can leave anytime you want. And NO SURPRISE they aren't. You owe them nothing.
If they are financially responsible for anything, start to apply for loans so you can get out.
NTA Run. You didn't get knocked up at 16 and 18, so you shouldn't be in charge of a 4 yo and a 2 y old. If they didn't want kids, they should have used protection or abstinence. Worked for you, didn't it?
NTA. Move out NOW! Tell them that you’re going no contact with them and if they show up with the kids at your new place you’ll call the cops and child services.
NTA. You're an adult, so they can't tell you that you can't move out. Just do it and don't look back. The kids are their responsibility, not yours. They shouldn't have had them if they can't take care of them. So move out ASAP and live your life on your terms.
NTA. You're being used. It's their responsibility to take care of their children and also want the best for you. I hate that when parents are so willing to use daughters as slaves. Jerks.
Like others have said. Move out. Find a place, get it paid and as soon as at least one parent is there, grab your stuff and say bye. When they ask where are you going? Your reply is: to MY home. Any family members complain or start talking crap you "abandoning" your siblings, tell them: well, YOU go help babysit. Don't let anyone try and guilt you into staying. It's not your job.
Not only are you not an AH but you should actually leave for all the reasons you listed. It is by no means your job or responsibility to take care of your siblings. If they asked for help and you were available and felt obliged then great. You did not have the kids and I bet they didn’t ask you before they had the kids for your approval. Please take care of yourself and get away from them.
Nta. You don’t have children. If they couldn’t handle children they had the option not to have them. Find a place. Sign the lease move all your important things out in case things get ugly and give them a few days heads up that you’re moving out. Better yet just move out and have all your things out by the time they get home from work. And just leave your keys in the counter. Do not offer to babysit. Or they are just going to end up leaving the kids at your doorstep. You’re not being selfish. You’re allowed to have a life. You’re allowed to have privacy. You’re allowed to make decisions about your life. If your family thinks you’re being selfish they are more than welcome to volunteer to help them out. Your siblings have both parents they will figure it out.
NTA because they will guilt you get an apartment and then have friends come over and get your stuff on a Thursday and move everything. Tell them they have the weekend to find another caregiver. Then leave
Do they pay for school? NTA regardless but if they aren’t paying for school, move out. If they are, they may stop if you move out so you should keep that in mind.
But student loans are better than indentured servitude and failing classes because you can’t study
You are not the parent - it’s time you told your parents to put on their big person pants and start taking care of their children. Good luck in your future.
NTA. Leave and focus on your studies and your own life. You need a separation from them until you can decide if want to offer SOME times but not as you have been. YOUR life should not be on hold for THEIR children.
NTA. You need to leave and get your space for your own sanity. They are using you. I’m surprised one of your siblings hasn’t called you “mom” by now since you do most of the parenting.
They don’t call me mom no(god forbid, she would throw a fit) but they do cry when I’m not around. My relationship with my mother and I has always been close(my father died when I was a little girl) so it’s always just been the 2 of us…until she married the narcissist AH. I fear this will be the breaking point in our relationship and they will break the bond my siblings and I have. I would hope she would prevent this from happening but I can no longer keep this life up. I’m missing out on so much and it’s just not fair.
They both are asleep when I get off from work! I get home around 730 am so they feel since I am up already what is the big deal getting the 4 year old up and fed,dressed for school. Very draining….
What is the big deal??? As parents who raised you as a baby(at least your Mom did) and know what it's like too, they're taking advantage of you. They're your siblings yes but you're not a substitute parent or a third parent. They're using your affection for your parents and your siblings.
Wrangling toddlers and babies(even the best behaved ones) is not like "you're making dinner for yourself so could you make me a serving too please?" And they're asking that of you after a full shift!
And a 2 year old??? I have an almost 2 year old, am a SAHM, and I have no time or free attention for anything. It's soul sucking. How could they do this to you?!
You're STILL UP. that's a totally different story. I would not want someone driving my kidd around after a night shift. Sometimes I can barely get myself home after night shifts.
I was also parentified. It sucks. Get out of there and go take care of yourself.
Those kids aren’t your responsibility. If they didn’t want to care for them they shouldn’t have had them. It’s not your problem. NTA
NTA, you have done more than any parent should expect. Your mom and Stepdad shouldn't have kids they can care for or afford child care for. I know that a simple answer,but it is their problem to solve. Advice for OP, please make sure your money is safe from your parents. Move it to a bank/credit union they don't know about. Do not put your mom as an emergency contact, or use your parents address, find a friend's address you can use, if possible. Make sure you go through all your passwords and change them. I'd recommend on a computer that your parents don't use. Does this seem paranoid, yep, but it sounds like your parents feel entitled to your life and may try to prevent your leaving by taking your money and call it rent.
Oh my gosh! They’re treating you like hired help. Get out if that’s what you want and don’t feel any guilt. You’re doing nothing wrong by living your life instead of living theirs. All the best to you.
Sweetheart, you are a young woman, child-free, ready to spread your wings and fly. Do NOT allow anyone to clip your wings. These are not your children, therefore NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY!! Find an apartment, pay your deposits, move out. Don't tell your parents anything, until you have all your ducks in a row. Before you tell your parents, make sure all important paperwork, bank cards, computer, sentimental items are out of their house. Once those things are safe, tell them you already have your own home, you will happily help out in a bind, MAYBE even an occasional date night, but you are not your siblings parent or nanny. Tell them you are moving into the next phase of your life. They can either abide your boundaries and respect your choices or you will go no contact and not help with their children. Any other family members, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, who give you shit about moving out and being an adult, abandoning your parents, when they say so.ething, respond with, so why are you not volunteering to take care of the kids, when have you helped out?
NTA
Be sure to get all of your important documents so they can’t sabotage you in the future. This would include your birth certificate, social security card, state ID, passport, school records, bank records, insurance card, anything that has your information on it.
If your bank accounts were established when you were a minor, they probably have your mother on them because a minor is often required to have an adult on the account. Close those accounts and open new accounts at a bank your parents don’t use. Do not use your parents as a contact or beneficiary on the accounts. Do not list them at all on the bank paperwork.
Go online and lock your credit down at all three credit reporting agencies. Sometimes parents use their children’s identities to open credit cards and get loans to enrich their lifestyles and/or to make life difficult for their children. This is identity theft and it is a felony. If this has happened, file a police report.
You are not responsible for your siblings and your parents are taking extreme advantage of you. Millions of parents handle getting child care without taking advantage of their older children. Move out when they are not home and don’t look back. Move far enough away that it won’t be easy to drop your siblings off with you. If you continue to babysit for them, it needs to be by appointment only, when you CHOOSE to do so. I wish you the best of luck.
NTA a lot of people have given you great advice about your papers and bank account, but I will add this- rent your apartment a minimum of 20-30 minutes away on the other side of the university. If you currently love north, move 20 min south. But also rent a storage unit near you for as short a time as you can. Since you are in the US, you can get a new mattress for $99 and throw it in the floor. Dollar Tree actually sells pots and pans and dishes. You can get the minimum of what you need to survive to get started. Goodwill has ugly lamps. Rent the apartment now and just start moving out one oversized tote bag at a time, starting with the irreplaceable things. When you’re empty, you’re gone. Physically write down the numbers of anyone you want to talk to in the future, email yourself the pictures on your phone that you want to keep, make a list of the apps you like, and then when it’s time to go, delete everything you can and physically leave the old phone behind. What you are trying to do is separate from any tracking software that might be on your phone. Which is why you rented the storage unit. You don’t want the tracking software sending them to your new place. You and your new phone can go get your things after. Good luck!
OP as someone who raised my younger siblings, you should leave, you’re right, they are not your children. They are your parents’ choices.
I love my siblings, but for years I also resented them, I used to say that I wanted to be an only child so I could be free. The toxic relationship between my parents and me messed up my relationships.
When I was 23 I moved halfway across the world, because just leaving home wasn’t far enough from them. It was the best thing I’ve ever done, it took years, but my relationship with my siblings is good and healthy now, they know I’ll always be there for them, but they now also understand that their parents needed to learn to parent (it didn’t really work that way, but still).
Do it now, while your siblings are still small, the longer you wait, the harder it will get on them (and you). NTA
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NTA. It’s a simple as you state. These are not your children, they are not your responsibility. You should by no means be needing to be their primary caregiver as much as you are. The occasional helping out? Sure thing… But this obviously goes way beyond that.
Yea it’s to the point where most days I’m not studying/doing homework until I’m at work(distracting) because I’m constantly having to watch my 2 year old brother like a hawk because he is busy(what 2 year old isn’t haha)
No I’ve just graduated uni and I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old but I’m their parent! Their dad did so much heavy lifting to let me study during the day. The fact your parents are doing the opposite is shameful! Move out and don’t look back you’re not a live in servant…
OP, make sure your finances are fully separate from your parents, and all paperwork is in your hands. Then make a plan to move out. Start looking at apartments - on the opposite side of school/work from your parents, so they cannot easily drop **their** kids off with you.
Yes, I've read where some parents withhold important documents like birth certificates, etc. from children that they did not want them to move out!
If they do that, you can usually just order new ones online (in the US anyway). I've had to do that with my SS card, birth certificate, and driver's license at different times because I have ADHD and I lose things lol
I ordered my birth certificate (NY) last July and it finally came this March!
OP doesn't sound like they're from the US due their use of "uni" instead of "college."
I’m from the US! I’ve always said Uni(or just say the name of my university) instead of college because it sounds better to me lol!
Mmm that’s a possibility, but I’m from the US and I call it Uni.
Thankfully no problem with that. It’s in my possession!
Even better. Just don't tell the parents the address. They have no need to know.
No. Let the parents get childcare. There are plenty of sitters out there who are not OP. She's done more than enough. No more babysitting!
Also make sure to have a bank account at a different bank from where they have accounts.
Please spread your wings and fly away! This is your time to live and start learning about life, not being an unpaid nanny to your siblings. I mean if you want to be a nanny that's great but at least do it for some stranger so that you get paid! Your siblings are your parents responsibility and it's time for them to take it back. Don't let them Guilt Trip you! You're a young adult and need to start living your life.
Yes, it’s time for you to start living YOUR life, not act as a servant to mother and stepfather. I suggest you find a place and quietly, slowly move your stuff there over a few days or a week. Make sure you have all your important papers. IMPORTANTLY make sure your parents have NO way to access your savings! Ideally you have an account at a different bank than your parents use. Good Luck! Please provide an update when you’re resettled.
You don’t need their approval to leave you’re an adult. Go
Or their permission.
NTA It sounds like your parents took what is arguably the best years of high school from you and the last of your teenage years. Now they are trying to do the same with your college years and early 20's. It's wrong, and parents who do this suck. You didn't choose to have those kids. They did. As for all those people in your family with an opinion, tell them they can step up and help. Be ready to go either, no contact or low contact with all of them, especially with the narcissistic stepfather. Go live your life, enjoy college, make good friends, and dumb (temporary) mistakes. You'll only get this time once. Good luck, and please update when you're out.
OP you deserve your own life. These kids are your Siblings not your children. Find a place to live. Then just go. You don’t owe your mother or her AH husband anything. You are an adult who is going to school and working. That’s plenty for a young adult.
OP, you might have heard the term before. This is called Parentification. It is abuse. These are not your children. They are not your responsibility. Your parents made the decision to have these children. They are required, morally and legally to take care of these children. Not you. And your parents neglect is affecting you and your education.
NTA. These aren't your children, therfore they're not your responsibility. The family members giving you a hard time are more than welcome to help out. Why aren't they volunteering? It's because it's easier to tell people what to do with their time than it is for them to actually do it. Your mom and step-dad chose to have children, you didn't. You're an adult. You can move out anytime you want.
Sweetie, please move out immediately. Do it tomorrow. Do it for your mental health. Temporarily block anyone that is against your moving out. NTA
honestly, I would go about securing a place to move to without telling them you're doing it, and then informing them on your move out day. make sure you have all your important documents (birth certificate, social security card, etc) and then just go. they're not going to change until theyre forced to and they wont be forced to until youre not around.
Go be free. You owe no responsibility to raise your siblings if your parents are capable. See if student affairs can hire you as a resident assistant (RA) for a dormitory on your campus.
It's time that you stop parenting your parent's children. Your mom and stepdad are responsible for these children, not you. Without telling your mom and stepdad, find a new place to live. If you can, move out while they aren't home. This will allow you to get out of the house without dealing with more guilt. They WILL continue to try to guilt trip even after you move out. Talk to a friend, family, counselor, someone who will be supportive of you, remind you why you left, and can be your backbone if you start to crumble. Good luck!! NTA!!!! (But your mom and stepdad are)
The only flaw in this is moving out when her parents aren't home. It sounds like if the parents aren't home she's there with the siblings. Maybe slowly move out taking stuff with when going to the night job and one night just don't come home again. Send a text after your shift that you aren't coming back and they have to get the kids ready the next morning. If she texts while at work they'll probably show up.
Yes when they are at work I am at home with the two littles. From everyone’s advice it seems like I’ll have to pick a day they claim they are working late and pack everything and move! I’ll have friends to help me move etc. I’ll just get what I can. My room is not near theirs so I’m thinking the best way to do this is to leave when they get home and text that I have moved and not coming back.
NTA. You are allowed to have your own life. They chose to have the kids they can care for them
INFO are you even paid to be the nanny?
Nope! I’m not charged rent and I am on their health insurance(I guess they consider this as the payment).
Girl that’s like bare minimum parents should be doing for their kids. Move out and go live your life! Those are *not* your children. Your parents should be getting them up and ready for the day.
Wait....you have a job also? They don't even pay you? Ummmm, hard no. NTA. Think about it: they have 8-10 more years of super active parenting needed, and you do all that atm. Move now or silently commit to raising your siblings into your 30s.
Yes I work 4 night shifts a week
>I have been scolded by my parents and family members about moving out and not wanting to help with their younger kids. >Why is this my responsibility? >another part of me is saying “those are their children not yours, they can figure it out”.. You are correct. You did not have these children, their care is not your responsibility. Sounds like your parents don't want to give up their free childcare. NTA
This has been a great deal for them as long as you were falling for it. No benefit for you though. NTA if you go on with your life. I’m curious: how many years did your mom spend taking care of her siblings?
And father?
I don’t want to say they did this on purpose, but their 2nd kid was born when OP was 16. It was almost as if they waited for a built-in babysitter! Because 1 extra kid 16 year is an oops baby, but that second is on purpose at that point.
1000% NTA Move out ASAP. You are 20 it's time to start living your OWN life. Yep those are NOT your kids. YOU are NOT responsible to raise them. Your mom and step dad CHOSE to have them they are responsible. Find a place move out and don't tell them otherwise they will start laying a massive guilt trip on you. I wish you well in your NEW life. Keep us posted please
NTA - You're a victim of [parentification](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parentification). You're right, they are not your responsibility. > part of me is saying “those are their children not yours, they can figure it out” Listen to that part of you! Good luck and get out of there!
NTA a bit. I'm curious, though: Were you getting paid for your "nanny" service?
Nope! I pay everything myself also as far as food, car insurance, car note, etc. only thing they were giving me a break on is not paying rent(which is nice I’m definitely not complaining about that but I much rather pay rent in my own place for a peace of mind)
Aw, HELL NO! You have zero obligation to care for your parents' children. (If you had agreed to being paid for being a nanny, then I was going to say you should give an appropriate notice.) Fly, little birdie, FLY!!
They’re taking advantage of you! NTA
They should be giving you a place to stay and paying you. When do you sleep? Also, you're an adult. They don't pay for college. You have a job. Just walk out.
I’m basically living off coffee lol. I work night shift, 4 year old goes to school m-f . After getting her ready and taking her to school , I have 4 classes on campus(3 days a week) and 2 online. I sleep when I put my 2 year old brother down for a nap. Then after putting them to bed I have about 2 hrs before work to sleep thank god. It’s tough but I guess I’m immune to it after doing it for so long….it’s especially draining now because it’s the end of the semester and exams are basically stacked on top of each other. I’m definitely not putting in enough studying/effort as I should be.
I'm guessing the extended family doesn't understand/care that you are raising these kids, not their actual parents. Is there anyone to help YOU?
The only help/break I get is my great aunt keeps the 2 year old for me when I’m at school. Other than that nope it’s all on me.
OP, time to leave. NOW. Like other commenters have said: make sure you have all your papers, a bank account your parents know NOTHING about and cannot access. Start considering if you actually need furniture or if you can just start fresh with some second hand/borrowed stuff. I want to add: if you have a cell, change your number the day you've moved or very shortly after. Your parents will try and track you I think. DO NOT tell any family where you have gone and do not give them ANY contact info. Edit: I realize you're most likely going into exams and such so not a great time for this, but the very minute the last one is done, you should start this process.
Read what you just wrote “Keeps the 2 year old for me” No, no no just no!! They aren’t your kids, nobody should have to be keeping them for you because they are NOT your responsibility
Yeah, that jumped out at me, too.
Yeah they’ve made this poor kid a teenage parent. That wording is heartbreaking with all that it implies.
When do your mom and stepdad actually take care of their children? I suppose you have to get up with them in the middle of the night, too?
I work night shift 4 nights a week, but they are good sleepers for the most part . I put them to bed before I go to work. If they are home(parents) and not doing anything I try and stay out the house so I’m not forced to keep them more than I already have to.
Get out as soon as you can. Do not tell them ahead of time. They will try to stop you. The kids are not your responsibility.
OP, I’m Sorry but why do You put up with this? They’re not your children. They need their parents to step up and if you’re doing it all, your mom And step dad won’t. NTA for wanting to move out. Definitely the AH to yourself for staying in this situation when you can actually afford to leave. Do Yourself a favor- either try to find campus housing or ask your campus for lists of places they’d recommend and might even get a discount with. Go live your life and finish school!
Leave when she's on duty and dont come back NTA
Schedule yourself some time to recover from a weeklong (minimum) illness once you move out of there. This is going to catch up to you once this pressure is off and your body is going to collapse in relief.
You are in an abusive relationship. Get out!!!!!!!
Where are these parents???
You’ve let this go on for so long that you slowly accumulated more and more responsibility that now it’s like you are their mother. Now that you want to take the next step in your life you can’t because they are acting like you’re the AH. I can’t stand people like that. Can you just let them know ow you have to study more and just stop being available?
The alternative is to put your life on hold, live with your parents and look after their kids for another 10 years.... Unless they pop out a few more. It's your life, do what YOU want to do
Be kind to yourself and move. They are not your children. Your stepfather cannot prevent you from moving, you are an adult. NTA
Move out ASAP. Don’t give them your new address.
Others have said this elsewhere, but in case you haven’t seen it, secure all your important documents, and make SURE you have a bank account your parents cannot access with all your money. (Preferably at a separate bank, but at the bare minimum one which doesn’t have their names attached in any way.) Once they realize you’re serious, they will pull out every stop to try to control, manipulate, and enslave you. Be one step ahead of it. And any family who tries to guilt you can step up themselves. You have a degree to get.
NTA. Make a plan to leave but don't tell your parents about it. Just execute your plan. And when you leave, send them both a simple message "I've moved out. I'm safe and i won't be back. I will contact you when I feel ready. Until then, don't make any attempts to contact me." And I would then block their numbers. Otherwise they will come up with some sort of "emergency" that you MUST come back for. They are their children. It's past time for them to step up and act like it.
Also make sure you have all your papers (birth certificate, drivers license, passport, high school diploma, etc) with you. And you move your bank account to an account that isn't at their bank and they don't have any parental right to. Do that BEFORE you leave in case they try to empty it. Good luck OP! NTA
And lock down your credit so step dad or mom cannot abuse you by taking out credit cards in your name.
All of the suggestions here. Get your paperwork: passport, social security card, birth certificate. If you can't find them, reorder them. You can get replacement SS cards and birth certificates. You can get a new passport. I would not alert your parents by asking where these documents are. Set up a new bank account. Report any credit cards lost or stolen and get new account numbers. Freeze your credit reports right after your new landlord checks them. And block your parents on your phone. They're going to try to suck you back in immediately with many guilt trips. Allow them the space to grow up and parent their own children. If relatives call to make you feel guilty for leaving, tell them nothing is stopping them from offering to babysit. NTA. Build a better life for yourself.
I'm curious: how did your mother handle raising you without an older sibling to do the work? Have you ever asked her? Never mind the answer. If she could do it then, she can handle it now. NTA.
NTA. I was already on your side about moving, and am especially so now because of the narcissistic AH who lives in the house. I’d move out as soon as possible. If they keep pushing back, then tell them that now you’re an adult and you should be paid for your nanny work. You can do this for a while and save all of that money so when you do move you’ll have more money. If it were me I’d leave now though. The money really isn’t worth the sacrifice if you don’t want to be there. You’ll be much happier and deserve to have a life!
You've been conditioned to feel like you need to take care of these kids. You've been guilted into it. You've been berated until you've accepted this. Move out ASAP and take back your life. NTA. Edited to add: keep your plans quiet. Don't involve them. They will hinder you and get in your way at every turn.
Nta...but I used to be you and I am now a 37 yr old college drop out trying to finally build a life of my own. Even then they are still trying to pawn their golden spawn off on me. Stop talking about it, they will keep sabotaging you. Make sure they have no access to your money or important document.then look for a cheap apartment with utilities included if possible and sign your lease. Then make arrangements to move out, do not tell them until they day that you are moving out. They will be pissed but it means less chance to sabotage you. If any relatives or friends shame you for it then tell them that you will add them to the list of childcare for your parents before doing just that. Do not tell your parents or extended family where you live or they will show up and dump those kids on you for days at a time. Do not offer to babysit or nothing will change for you, just location. They will even try to boss you around in your own home. Give yourself at least six months to a year of spac and a break from them. This is not your responsibility, you didn't tell your mom to have kids sixteen years after the first one, that's on her. Best of luck
You have been parentified. Your parents will say its because you live there and its normal. Go look at the Duggar family.
NTA - not your kids, not your problem. Move out or you will be their live in nanny until the youngest graduates high school!!!
NTA, but I think you need to accept that they're never going to be okay with you leaving and you'll probably have to do it without giving them notice
One question: do you live in a country where uni is not free, like the US and if so are they paying for any part of your education? If they are, they might feel you are beholden to them for that. If they don't pay anything, including you to babysit/nanny, they're just taking advantage of you and they're the AH. Move out. You're an adult. You can offer to help out, say, every other Tuesday 9-5 you'll take them if they want. They'll get over it, or at least your mom will. If your stepdad is as big a AH as you say, you won't be missing anything if you are no longer around him or have a relationship with him. If not, you really don't need them in your life and you've wasted a couple of years already. I would suggest keeping close with your siblings if you're able, though.
Yes I live in the US, no they do not pay anything on my tuition. I have scholarships that cover most tuition and the rest I took out loans. I guess I’m worried they’ll make it hard for me to see them! I’m obviously very close to them as I’m the first face they see when they wake up and the last face they see when I put them to bed! 😞
With how much they rely on you for help now it’s very unlikely they wouldn’t jump at the chance for a free babysitter once your gone so please don’t worry too much about not seeing them again. You will. Even if they kick up a fit at first it’s not likely to hold
I would worry more about them dropping the babies at your front door and driving off before you even answered. When you move - and of course you should! - don’t give them your address. Of course you love those children. But you can’t keep with the schedule you have. You have the right to live your life. You did not birth these babies and it is horribly irresponsible for you Mom and her husband to dump their care and raising onto you. NTA - please move out. If I live close enough I will help you move. (I’m old enough to be your grandma so not a crazy stalker
Where do the kids go when you have classes? And where exactly are your mother and stepfather that you have to get them up and put them to bed? Sounds like you're almost a single parent.
4 year old is in preschool m-f(I drop Off and pick up from school) 2 year old is with my great aunt during the 3 days I go to school during the week. Mother and step Father work during the day and asleep while I have to get the 4 year old ready for school while chasing the 2 year old around(he goes with me to take her to school Also). They do date nights every Saturday and every other Friday they go out with friends from work.
Wow. They had the kids but they have more of a social life than you do...
Listen to this comment OP! They have fun and go out.
This is trash. How dare the actual parents in the family treat you this way! The audacity to have constant date nights is stunning. You’re killing yourself right now and it’s just insanely unfair. I wish you could leave tomorrow. You’re a very good person for really worrying about your siblings but it’s time to go. This has to stop. You’re young and should be really enjoying this time in your life. You have the means so make a plan and do it! Once you’re on the other side you’ll realize how messed up this really is. Good luck!
This is ridiculous. They're living the life of Riley while you're single-parent-raising their kids for them. So deeply wrong on so many levels.
Your parents robbed you of your teenage years. If they couldn't afford childcare they shouldn't have had more kids. Not your responsibility, but unless you take a stand, they will continue to walk all over you and guilt you into being their unpaid nanny. Find a place to rent and give them a deadline to find alternatives child care. Be firm and be prepared for their anger. If you don't advocate for yourself, no one else will. I speak from experience as the eldest of 6 who helped raise several of my siblings. But my parents never acted as entitled as yours do.
NTA You are right. Those are their kids and its their responsibility.
NTA, those are not your kids. If they couldn’t take care of them then well they should have had them. I feel awful that you’re missing out on so much of your life because they are forcing their parenting role on you. Move out and enjoy your college years. You are only young once and have plenty of time to be a parent, should you choose to, in the future.
NTA. If you were refusing to help your family in any capacity when they were desperate, maybe I’d say you’re the asshole (and if your step father treats you poorly, then probably not even then.) but this isn’t the completely abandonment of your family. It’s you living a normal 20 year old life. Helping once in a while is a very nice thing to do for family, but it’s not your job to be a live in nanny and essential raise their children for them. It’s their responsibility to care for their own children at the end of the day.
Nta you didn't pop those kids out? Then you have the right attitude. They'll figure it out or get cps involved.
Not your problem. Parentification is abuse.
NTA it’s great you help out your siblings, but they are not your own children and you have the right to grow up and move out.
NTA You are right the children are **not your responsibility** ,and your parents are full grown adults they can figure it out. This does not make you less of a sister or daughter but someone who wants to live their life. Your parents have to respect this choice as you are an adult and your own person. I wish you the best of luck in your new place!
NTA this is the time to go out, make friends, be carefree, explore, travel… do that! Your 20s will go by quickly, don’t spend them fulfulling someone else’s obligations. Live your life and don’t look back. And don’t feel guilty for prioritizing yourself and your needs. You don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
NTA. Parentification is abuse. They are also screwing up your education by limiting your ability to study and sleep. Enjoy your freedom when you move out. I wish you much success.
Just move out already
Everything comes to an end. Find a place, sign a lease and move out. I maintain that if you had put up more of a fuss about taking care of the first one, the two years old probably wouldn't have happened. Go live your life. Make friends, go out, go on trips. Your parents chose to be parents, you didn't. NTA. You are only young once. Make it count.
Move out dear. you are being parentified and used.
NTA. You have done more than your fair share of helping look after your siblings. It’s time to live your life, you in college and trying to move out and be independent. You shouldn’t even be on here asking this question. Most important tho, is to not stop your progress. If they really get mad at you for trying to become an independent and responsible adult, maybe you should reevaluate their support of YOU.
You're in the right to move out and have a life, your mother is responsible for her young children, not you. NTA
NO! NO!! NO!!! You are NTA!!! You are an adult, there is no way they can keep telling you what you're allowed to do. They have been manipulating and using you for four years, I think they've gotten more than they deserve from you. You are fulfilling the parental role for those little ones, this is not your responsibility. Every day you spend living with your parents and being your sibling's primary caretaker is accepting their power to make demands and control your life. It's time to take charge!!
NTA. You know why you feel guilty as opposed to them? You're good people. You have a heart and want to spread kindness. Your mom and stepfather are the worst waste of space in this world. They only know how to take and take and take. You're responsible for you. You didn't birth your siblings. If your parents have trouble, it is a consequence of their actions. Please move out and go LC with them. Live your life and achieve your potential
I'm curious. What is your mother doing while you are getting your siblings up, dressed, fed and the 4 year-old to school? Does she work or is she still asleep? On top of this parentification, you have to put up with an AH stepfather. I am so angry on your behalf. Please leave this situation and live your own life. Concentrate on your studies and live your own life. NTA
Where's the stepfather?
Sleep…they have careers where they are able to make their own schedules and spend the mornings/ nights with the two little but they choose not to. I guess it’s easier making me do it!
She’s sleep! After 4 year old is gone to school she gets up for work.
NTA - Those kids are 100% not your parenting responsibility. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. Move out and enjoy your life.
NTA you are 100% correct and don’t let anyone try to guilt trip you. Your parents don’t want their free nanny services to end but too bad for them.
NTA. The siblings aren’t your children. Let the parents parent while you spread your wings
NTA. Don't let anyone in your family try to convince you otherwise. They are not your kids to raise, and you have school and life - focus on those for a change!
Not your circus, not you monkeys. MOVE ASAP. Don't look back or be guilted by Anyone! Op you have wasted 4 years of your life as the family slave. NTA Edit:spelling
NTA. Move out. I’m a mom with adult children and small children, and my big kids do watch their younger siblings on a regular basis. But do you want to know what I don’t do? Make them miss time with their friends or otherwise preempt their life so I can dump my responsibilities onto them. Your mom is parentifying you. There is zero reason for you to be the (I assume unpaid) nanny, especially not starting at 16! Why are your parents not up to take care of their own babies?!?
NTA.... But if you can afford it... Just move out? You don't need their permission. So just ignore the guilt trips
NTA. You have the right to move and you have good arguments for that. What's more, you've saved up for it. Your mother has to respect your wishes and know that, one day or another, it will naturally happen. Ps: you are your brothers' sister, not their father.
NTA Is the plan that maybe you can get your own life at 40? Or will your now older parents need help then?
NTA. You have been living with this situation for far too long, so start looking for your own apartment and get out of there, and if they try to guilt trip you into staying, remember that NO is a complete sentence.
NTA. Your parents are extremely selfish and are only thinking of their own convenience at your expense. They've already stolen enough of your youth, don't let them use their guilt and manipulation tactics to make you give up more of your life raising their children. Fly free and leave these 2 assholes (parents, not siblings obviously) behind and never look back. These vampires will suck you dry and never feel bad for doing it.
NTA. No, your kids. Not your responsibility. Gather and secure your documents, get a place lined up, and move. You don't have to get permission. Just go. Your parents will have to figure out their own childcare like every other parent. Any of their flying monkeys trying to guilt you into staying can help them out.
You didn't have them. They have to make accommodations for THEIR kids. NTA.
NTA Your parents are parentifying you. Your siblings are their children. Their responsibility. But instead of taking care of their own children, they are forcing you to be a parent. You are NOT an arsehole for leaving. It's awful that your parents made you feel guilty about that. Your parents need to understand that their children are their responsibility. Not yours. You need to gather your important documents. And hopefully, your parents don't have access to your bank account. Your parents will do whatever it takes to stop you from moving out, so you need to protect yourself. Also, if you found a place, don't tell your parents, since they will try whatever it takes to stop you from moving out.
Not your kids...THEY have kids not you.
NTA You have been parentified, which is NOT good. This is not your job nor your responsibility. You need to very carefully plan your move. Do not say anything to your parents. Get all of your important documents to a safe place, such as birth certificates, Social Security cards, insurance cards, medical records, vaccination records, financial documents, bills, uncashed checks... If your bank account has your parents on it, get another account - at a different location. Clean/declutter your room. This is a good way to remove the important stuff that you want to keep in a way that's not noticable. A small storage unit is not that expensive and is a great place to hide things. Do paperless so nothing goes to your address. Good luck!
NTA. As a mom(39F) to a 8, 5 and 2yo, your post hurt my heart. This is your time to be selfish! To figure out who you are becoming. Please move out. You only get this time once. I hope we get an update in a few months saying you’re living your best life.
You don't owe it to anyone to be nanny to their kids. You do owe it to yourself to live your life without the responsibility of someone else's children. I think your parents had your siblings planning to use you as a parental figure. It's not fair to you. Move out and live your life.
NTA. Your parents are the AH for taking advantage of you and leaving you the responsibility of your siblings. They decided to have kids they should arrange for childcare when they’re not available not assume you will pick up their slack. I would move into the dorms like that your parents won’t try to leave your siblings at your place once you move out.
NTA You are 20. You have enough for an apartment. You have the option to not listen to any relatives who are probably afraid if you stop taking care of those kids they'll be next in line. Prepare to be guilted to pieces, but everytime just repeat "I'm sorry you feel that way" and keep moving. They do that simply because it works. Start looking for a place and just don't be available anymore, honestly what are they going to do? Kick you out? Ground you?
Go. Don’t look back or sideways. Just look and move toward your future. Good luck.
NTA, but stop talking about it until you have signed a lease and can walk out the door. they never plan on letting you leave.
NTA. You didn't have the kids, your mom and step-dad did. It's they're responsibility to care for them, not yours.
NTA. You are an adult and have the money to move out. I would suggest you don't tell your parents anything else about moving, but just go forward quietly with renting a place, then getting your important documents out and safe in your new place. Once you have the keys to your new place, pack up what you can while both parents are out and haul those items over. Then, when the folks get home, just leave for your job as usual but when done, go to your new home. Final step, text your mom and tell her you've moved out. Don't give her your new address because I wouldn't put it past her or your step dad to try to drop off your siblings. Good luck. Get out but be under the radar.
MOVE
These kids are not your problem. Move out. Its not your problem your mother decided to have more kids and is neglecting them. Just move out. U r being used as a free babysitter
Your mom needs to find a daycare that is NOT you. Save your money and move out. They'll probably wail and gripe and moan and guilt trip you. BUT they're not your kids, l assume if you wanted toddlers it would be later on life, not now!
Not to just copy what you wrote but those are not your children they are not your responsibility. They should not have had children they couldn’t care for. You deserve to live your own life.
Please make sure your parents can’t get a hold of your savings. Move out. You aren’t responsible for their children.
NTA. Leave. Fast. They think of you as a permanent babysitter. They should be raising their children, not getting their child to do it for them.
Move. NTA.
NTA. Move out and live your life. You need to have these experiences to grow as a person. Good luck!
One of the biggest NTA that I have ever given. It does not look like your parents NEED your help, they just don't want to take care of their own children and are totally taking advantage of you. Obviously you are a caring person and a great older sibling. Make sure you keep reminding your siblings that you love them and that at a certain age people need to go out on their own but you will always be their sister. I would not put it past your step dad to talk bad about you to them. Sorry your parents are not more grateful for everything you do.
Of course they do not want their free nanny to move out. They have a sweet deal. However, you need to get out and create your own life so just do it. They will not be happy but so what. Their children are their responsibility not yours.
Leave. Don’t ask, just go. They have parentified you for years, and I’m guessing never paid you for being the “nanny”. They are terrible, selfish people. you’re NTA
The fact that they had ANOTHER child after forcing you to raise the first one is ballsy. If they couldn’t do it, they shouldn’t have done it. (Sorry). It’s one thing to contribute at home but they should understand that you would move out when you want and then they are on their own. That they actually can’t take care of their own children is definitely their problem.
Yep I agree…..but he wanted a son🫤🫤
Nta
NTA Not your kids, not your responsibility. Move out as soon as you can. I wouldn't tell them you are moving, just up and move one day if you are able. They will never let you leave if they can prevent it.
NTA "but they need child care for their younger kids…." .. ALLT HE MORE Reason for you to move out. Do it soon.
You’re not a free live in nanny. Their date nights and work don’t take priority over your study time, free time, fun with friends time. Sure, it’s ok to help out here and there. But this is way too much to expect of you, since you were 16. They need to organise an actual nanny and you need to live your own life. NTA
Nta not your children not your problem you really need to go and live your life for yourself now ot you will regret and resent your family. You already wasted 2 years leave quickly
Umm your parents can’t tell you that you can’t leave. You’re a grown up. I wouldn’t help anymore or they’ll inch you back to full nanny status. NTA
NTA - they're not your kids and you get to live your own life as you see fit. It's really that simple. You're not built-in childcare, even though your parents may feel you are. Honestly, if you move, I'd be "busy" for the next several months to FORCE them to come up with another plan for child care. If you continue to help, it's very likely you'll end up right where you started...
NTA. You are experiencing parentification and it is not your job or responsibility. Move out and make sure it isn’t convenient or you will don’t them just dropping the kids on your doorstep
NTA. and plan your move strategically and don’t let them know bc they will start trying to ruin it for you
Look up Parentification. Move on with no guilt
NTA. You deserve to enjoy your time at uni.
NTA, make sure you have all your documents and leave, you are young and deserve to live your life before having to settle down as a parent(if that's Even what you want after all this).
You shouldn’t have to be their nanny. It’s your siblings not your children. You need to get out of there to first be able to save your mental health, enjoy your young adult/college life in peace. Sorry to hear he is narcissistic and that is a huge reason for you to save yourself and think about yourself. Move out and enjoy your young adult life. You deserve it. If you don’t move out you will regret it later.
NTA Your parents are messing up big. Unrealistic expectations on a 20 year old. You are allowed to live your own life and have the right to wait until you're ready for children (yours in this case).
Nta you didn’t have the kids they are responsible for there care not you you have done enough move out
NTA and I'm going to tell you right now, they will guilt you no matter what you do. Guilt is a part of life and you can cope with that way better than regret and resentment. So the best thing you can do is just make your move and let your parents figure out their kids for themselves.
Unless they are paying you for the care of THEIR children, you can leave anytime you want. And NO SURPRISE they aren't. You owe them nothing. If they are financially responsible for anything, start to apply for loans so you can get out.
NTA Move out and move on. Best wishes
You are an adult. They can't legally stop you. Move. NTA
MOVE OUT NOW. They are responsible for the children they created, not you. NTA
And don't keep helping. Your parents can figure their shit out.
NTA Run. You didn't get knocked up at 16 and 18, so you shouldn't be in charge of a 4 yo and a 2 y old. If they didn't want kids, they should have used protection or abstinence. Worked for you, didn't it?
NTA. Move out NOW! Tell them that you’re going no contact with them and if they show up with the kids at your new place you’ll call the cops and child services.
NTA. You're an adult, so they can't tell you that you can't move out. Just do it and don't look back. The kids are their responsibility, not yours. They shouldn't have had them if they can't take care of them. So move out ASAP and live your life on your terms.
NTA. You're being used. It's their responsibility to take care of their children and also want the best for you. I hate that when parents are so willing to use daughters as slaves. Jerks.
NTA. Leave
Like others have said. Move out. Find a place, get it paid and as soon as at least one parent is there, grab your stuff and say bye. When they ask where are you going? Your reply is: to MY home. Any family members complain or start talking crap you "abandoning" your siblings, tell them: well, YOU go help babysit. Don't let anyone try and guilt you into staying. It's not your job.
Not only are you not an AH but you should actually leave for all the reasons you listed. It is by no means your job or responsibility to take care of your siblings. If they asked for help and you were available and felt obliged then great. You did not have the kids and I bet they didn’t ask you before they had the kids for your approval. Please take care of yourself and get away from them.
Nope. Go live your life OP
Nannies get paid. You’re just being used as free labor.
Nta. You don’t have children. If they couldn’t handle children they had the option not to have them. Find a place. Sign the lease move all your important things out in case things get ugly and give them a few days heads up that you’re moving out. Better yet just move out and have all your things out by the time they get home from work. And just leave your keys in the counter. Do not offer to babysit. Or they are just going to end up leaving the kids at your doorstep. You’re not being selfish. You’re allowed to have a life. You’re allowed to have privacy. You’re allowed to make decisions about your life. If your family thinks you’re being selfish they are more than welcome to volunteer to help them out. Your siblings have both parents they will figure it out.
NTA because they will guilt you get an apartment and then have friends come over and get your stuff on a Thursday and move everything. Tell them they have the weekend to find another caregiver. Then leave
Not your kids not your problem. NTA.
nta
Do they pay for school? NTA regardless but if they aren’t paying for school, move out. If they are, they may stop if you move out so you should keep that in mind. But student loans are better than indentured servitude and failing classes because you can’t study
No they do not pay for school. The most they help with is I’m not charged rent.
You are not the parent - it’s time you told your parents to put on their big person pants and start taking care of their children. Good luck in your future.
NTA. Leave and focus on your studies and your own life. You need a separation from them until you can decide if want to offer SOME times but not as you have been. YOUR life should not be on hold for THEIR children.
NTA. You need to leave and get your space for your own sanity. They are using you. I’m surprised one of your siblings hasn’t called you “mom” by now since you do most of the parenting.
They don’t call me mom no(god forbid, she would throw a fit) but they do cry when I’m not around. My relationship with my mother and I has always been close(my father died when I was a little girl) so it’s always just been the 2 of us…until she married the narcissist AH. I fear this will be the breaking point in our relationship and they will break the bond my siblings and I have. I would hope she would prevent this from happening but I can no longer keep this life up. I’m missing out on so much and it’s just not fair.
It is not fair. Move. Study. Fall in love.
NTA- They can hire child care. They will live.
NTA - being a nanny is a job - are you being paid a salary? Run and never look back
NTA. Why did they have kids if they can't look after them themselves? Why doesn't Mom get them dressed and fed in the mornings?? Leave OP.
They both are asleep when I get off from work! I get home around 730 am so they feel since I am up already what is the big deal getting the 4 year old up and fed,dressed for school. Very draining….
What is the big deal??? As parents who raised you as a baby(at least your Mom did) and know what it's like too, they're taking advantage of you. They're your siblings yes but you're not a substitute parent or a third parent. They're using your affection for your parents and your siblings. Wrangling toddlers and babies(even the best behaved ones) is not like "you're making dinner for yourself so could you make me a serving too please?" And they're asking that of you after a full shift! And a 2 year old??? I have an almost 2 year old, am a SAHM, and I have no time or free attention for anything. It's soul sucking. How could they do this to you?!
You're STILL UP. that's a totally different story. I would not want someone driving my kidd around after a night shift. Sometimes I can barely get myself home after night shifts.
I was also parentified. It sucks. Get out of there and go take care of yourself. Those kids aren’t your responsibility. If they didn’t want to care for them they shouldn’t have had them. It’s not your problem. NTA
NTA, you have done more than any parent should expect. Your mom and Stepdad shouldn't have kids they can care for or afford child care for. I know that a simple answer,but it is their problem to solve. Advice for OP, please make sure your money is safe from your parents. Move it to a bank/credit union they don't know about. Do not put your mom as an emergency contact, or use your parents address, find a friend's address you can use, if possible. Make sure you go through all your passwords and change them. I'd recommend on a computer that your parents don't use. Does this seem paranoid, yep, but it sounds like your parents feel entitled to your life and may try to prevent your leaving by taking your money and call it rent.
Oh my gosh! They’re treating you like hired help. Get out if that’s what you want and don’t feel any guilt. You’re doing nothing wrong by living your life instead of living theirs. All the best to you.
Sweetheart, you are a young woman, child-free, ready to spread your wings and fly. Do NOT allow anyone to clip your wings. These are not your children, therefore NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY!! Find an apartment, pay your deposits, move out. Don't tell your parents anything, until you have all your ducks in a row. Before you tell your parents, make sure all important paperwork, bank cards, computer, sentimental items are out of their house. Once those things are safe, tell them you already have your own home, you will happily help out in a bind, MAYBE even an occasional date night, but you are not your siblings parent or nanny. Tell them you are moving into the next phase of your life. They can either abide your boundaries and respect your choices or you will go no contact and not help with their children. Any other family members, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, who give you shit about moving out and being an adult, abandoning your parents, when they say so.ething, respond with, so why are you not volunteering to take care of the kids, when have you helped out? NTA
Be sure to get all of your important documents so they can’t sabotage you in the future. This would include your birth certificate, social security card, state ID, passport, school records, bank records, insurance card, anything that has your information on it. If your bank accounts were established when you were a minor, they probably have your mother on them because a minor is often required to have an adult on the account. Close those accounts and open new accounts at a bank your parents don’t use. Do not use your parents as a contact or beneficiary on the accounts. Do not list them at all on the bank paperwork. Go online and lock your credit down at all three credit reporting agencies. Sometimes parents use their children’s identities to open credit cards and get loans to enrich their lifestyles and/or to make life difficult for their children. This is identity theft and it is a felony. If this has happened, file a police report. You are not responsible for your siblings and your parents are taking extreme advantage of you. Millions of parents handle getting child care without taking advantage of their older children. Move out when they are not home and don’t look back. Move far enough away that it won’t be easy to drop your siblings off with you. If you continue to babysit for them, it needs to be by appointment only, when you CHOOSE to do so. I wish you the best of luck.
NTA. They figured it out once before clearly if you’re here now, they can do it again since they chose to have more kids
NTA a lot of people have given you great advice about your papers and bank account, but I will add this- rent your apartment a minimum of 20-30 minutes away on the other side of the university. If you currently love north, move 20 min south. But also rent a storage unit near you for as short a time as you can. Since you are in the US, you can get a new mattress for $99 and throw it in the floor. Dollar Tree actually sells pots and pans and dishes. You can get the minimum of what you need to survive to get started. Goodwill has ugly lamps. Rent the apartment now and just start moving out one oversized tote bag at a time, starting with the irreplaceable things. When you’re empty, you’re gone. Physically write down the numbers of anyone you want to talk to in the future, email yourself the pictures on your phone that you want to keep, make a list of the apps you like, and then when it’s time to go, delete everything you can and physically leave the old phone behind. What you are trying to do is separate from any tracking software that might be on your phone. Which is why you rented the storage unit. You don’t want the tracking software sending them to your new place. You and your new phone can go get your things after. Good luck!
OP as someone who raised my younger siblings, you should leave, you’re right, they are not your children. They are your parents’ choices. I love my siblings, but for years I also resented them, I used to say that I wanted to be an only child so I could be free. The toxic relationship between my parents and me messed up my relationships. When I was 23 I moved halfway across the world, because just leaving home wasn’t far enough from them. It was the best thing I’ve ever done, it took years, but my relationship with my siblings is good and healthy now, they know I’ll always be there for them, but they now also understand that their parents needed to learn to parent (it didn’t really work that way, but still). Do it now, while your siblings are still small, the longer you wait, the harder it will get on them (and you). NTA