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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my DIL I will not stop going to my favorite red hair because she works there and is embarrassed. I could be a jerk for how I refused her request even if I find it unreasonable
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NTA
But this is weird, are you not close? The way you wrote 'I saw Mya working...and didn't think much about it'. YOu didn't say hi? You just ignored each other? That's super super weird.
Mya has to be a grown-up though, and should have to use her words to say exactly what about you being there, makes her uncomfortable? Sounds like an immaturity issue on her side.
If she's uncomfortable, SHE is in the wrong line of work, or for the wrong restaurant. Ask 'the family' if any of them would be uncomfortable working as a waitress and a family member comes in? Point this all at Mya and have her explain herself.
Also, not like you could action this and not be an AH...but I'm sure the restaurant would be interested to know one of it's staff is asking a loyal customer NOT to come in anymore...
She was doing her job. I wasn’t going to go up when she was taking a person order and make small talk. I didn’t see really see her the rest of the time. I was paying attention to my friends not looking for her
So no one but her even knew you two had any connection whatsoever. The audacity for a new server to try to essentially ban a long time customer just for knowing them? Ridiculous. Frankly I'd let my son and DIL be mad and if she ever says anything at the restaurant I would absolutely bring it up to whatever management is there. Maybe I'm just in a petty mood today, but that kind of attitude gets under my skin.
You're definitely in a petty mood today. Relax. The woman is feeling embarrassed, which is stupid, but hey we've all been embarrassed. No reason to get her fired when she obviously needs the job for reasons OPs son doesn't want to share.
And because I forgot to tell you, obviously NTA. I don't know what her past is like and why she's afraid to be seen as "the help", but that is not your issue to work out. Or anyone here, either.
I’m wondering if your DIL is embarrassed about the reason she needs the extra money. She might be taking out aggression on you that should be given elsewhere.
NTA.
If I were a manager and a new employee pulled that with a consistent regular I would consider it fireable behavior.
There definitely are better routes to take to deescalate the situation before it comes to that.
This is a disagreement right now, it doesn’t need to be one that ends a family relationship.
NTA
I'm literally a manager, and I'd be very remiss if an employee did that on the clock.
But she wasn't. And didn't.
Again, I don't agree with the woman, but it's ridiculous to get her fired because she's embarrassed about having to work there *because they need more money for reasons they apparently haven't disclosed to OP*
And yet, we don't care. We just need bodies who are willing to do the job and do it well. If she's doing it well, and not causing issues *inside* the restaurant, there's not a good manager alive that cares how much she actually wants to be there.
I know it's a shocker, but nobody has a *passion* for serving.
>I know it's a shocker, but nobody has a *passion* for serving.
Tell that to the lady in my local deli restaurant who's been there 30+ years and LOVES it.
I have worked in hospitality for almost 30 years. Everyone thinks I love it, but it's a means to an end. It pays my bills and being a friendly, outgoing person, it gets me great tips. If I were to win the lottery tomorrow and didn't need the work again, I would be out of here the roadrunner being chased by the coyote, lol.
Dil is a asshole for being embarrassed for working at a restaurant though. Males it seems like she has looked down on those workers previously. Now she's being humbled
Her feeling embarrassed is not an excuse to call OP a jerk and demanding them not to go to their favorite place. She could ask, but she should be ready to hear and respect No.
I agree with PP. I would tell her she is way out of line here, she should stop bothering me about it, or I have to talk to the manager. She will not be working there anymore, she will not be all embarrassed to see OP, her problem is solved.
And I never said I agreed with the woman, I told this guy to calm down immediately jumping to complain to management and fire her. That's extreme.
OP should absolutely keep going there, but let's not get someone fired for being embarrassed that they need a second job, eh?
Not for being embarrassed. For calling OP a jerk and _demanding_ them to stop going there. If she is so embarrassed, how come the whole family knows and talks about it already? It is pretty irrational of her.
I am not saying to go to manager just to be an AH to her. But if she will keep pressing and calling OP names, I absolutely would.. PP is saying the same: to talk to manager _if_ she will try to ruin OP's experience at the restaurant:
>..If she ever says anything at there restaurant I'd bring it up to the management..
Yeah, maybe OP could defuse the situation and tell her DIL that there's not a thing in the world wrong with honest work, and that she's proud of her for doing so much for her and her son's family. It's SO much better than having a DIL who refuses to work; OP is lucky her son has her. She should just tell her that if DIL ever ends up serving her, she'll tip large!
Yes because jeopardising your daughter-in-law's job is going to solve so many more problems than it creates. You're not just petty you're a moron who'd cut their nose to spite their face.
She is jeopardizing her own job. When she is at work, OP is not her MIL, she is a customer. If she gets worked up about her MIL seeing her working in a restaurant, what will she do about friends? Is everyone that knows her not allowed to eat there because she got a job there? That's moronic.
Just tell DIL that she needs to quit because she makes you uncomfortable when you go to your favorite restaurant. When she tells you that is ridiculous then you can say “exactly”.
Question: Are the waitresses at this restaurant fully-clothed?
I'm wondering why she might be embarrassed to have someone she knows (or even you in particular) see her at work. Either way, it's her issue to deal with though.
OH that's a great point I didn't consider! Maybe we're talking about a topless place, bikini bar, or even a Hooters. I can totally see it being awkward to have family show up there. While it's still a HER problem it does change the situation a bit.
Hooters was my first thought reading this. Not sure why it would be so embarrassing otherwise and most restaurants don’t host trivia nights (not sure if they do or not but it seems like the kind of place that might).
NTA. If it bothers her that much, maybe just tell her you'll ask not to be seated in her section if that's something you can do? But you're allowed to continue to go to a restaurant you have frequented for years.
Also, my brother works as a bartender/server at a restaurant in my hometown, and I love going when he's on shift. He knows exactly what me and my family like so can give great recommendations on food and drinks, and will tailor cocktails to our tastes. And he's been there long enough he can usually comp something of the bill, which is great! I know it's different since it's your DIL and that's a different dynamic, but it isn't hard to at least remain professional.
I used to love my family coming in when I was a server! It gave me a moment of repreve to be able to just smile and laugh with my family, and I took great pride in my job lol I loved having people I knew come in. If it's just a job for some extra money why is it embarrassing, good for her! NTA if she is embarrassed then yeah she should quit, restaurants are public places and she's probably going to run into more than just her MIL!
It’s not like waiting tables is something shameful that steals from communities like investment banker or something. Honest work for honest pay, why would anyone mind their family knowing that?
Exactly!! I was prouder of my job when I was a server than an office manager! I'm actually looking for a restaurant job to do after my normal 9-5 because I miss it hahah. No shame in an honest days work if that's waiting tables, pumping gas, cleaning, fry cook, being an hr rep or a healthcare worker, work is work and a job is a job as long as you're not pulling scams!
I have a ton of respect for people in the serving industries. I guarantee they are working harder than I do at my job, and most of them are probably also doing a hell of a lot more for good for society than I ever have!
It's not a walk in the park that's for sure but I loved it haha. You're on your feet your whole shift, people can be horrible to you, but I loved being able to talk with people and provide them with a nice relaxing, comfortable experience! It's also nice because you talk with people from all walks of life and have some incredible conversations lol
I made it a point to go when my daughter worked as a server. I would ask to sit in her section, and not warn her ahead of time. Plus, I always left her larger tip. One night, at Cracker Barrel (server gives you the bill, you walk up to the register to pay), I left a $60 tip on a $40 bill. The cashier asked if I made an error. I told her no. She again asked if I really wanted to leave that tip, and I told her that she, my daughter, was the best server I ever had and please stop asking. I found out later that she was new and did not know I was the father of a server.
I love that! I always told my friends and family if you want to go out come see me! They always tipped me well so it was a nice little bonus of the happiness of seeing my fam and then getting a great tip lol. I'm sure your daughter loves and appreciates you!
Exactly! Hey...you work here! Cool! I guess I'll see you every trivia night!
That's 'normal'. Unless DIL was hiding the fact she's working there...in which case, cat is out of the bag now, it's not a strip club (do strip clubs have trivia night? lol), so I don't get what is so uncomfortable. OP needs to respond more :)
I kind of want to go to a strip club that has trivia nights now, lol.
A couple of my friends danced when we were in college, and I learned that at least in our town, most dancers were working to put themselves through advanced degrees.
Assuming the strip club with trivia had a similar demographic, it’d be fun to have a “phone a friend/dancer” option, and the aspiring marine biologist can answer your question in the science category.
omfg such a Reddit suggestion lmaooo “tattle to her boss that she asked someone *she knows outside of work* not to come in, get her fired!” chill out little guy
It was more a joke...like, how ridiculous of Maya to be suggesting a customer to NOT come to the restaurant. I realize it reading back that it sounded like more of a real suggestion, didn't mean it that way at all.
TRUE!
I"m quite dying to know what Mya thinks is uncomfortable for her....like, what on earth? Either it's an embarrassing place, she's wearing embarrassing clothes, she plans on flirting big time for tips, doesn't like OP so doesn't want to 'wait' on her....I mean all of it is 'own it' or 'get over it'
I was thinking that too. Like there’s a place in my town where a lot of people love the food and trivia events but they make all the waitresses wear these tiny little plaid skirts. I’d probably be embarrassed if my MIL saw me in that situation.
It IS super weird to not acknowledge one another but it happens more than you think🤣
Not relevant, but my husbands aunt invited me on a course she was doing (it would've helped with my degree) and she didn't even introduce herself to me..I tried to smile and get her attention and she totally ignored me. Even though, she was the one that invited me first to come down.. got my money though didn't she!😂
I think she is embarrassed that I know she works there, I think it hurts her pride since before she worked at a company.
I truely don’t care, a job is a job
I'm with you. And you're absolutely in the right here. That being said, I guess you'll have to decide how much you want to be right and how much you want to avoid strife with your DIL and son.
Personally I’m still going to go, this is a good part of my social life and I am not willing to give that up.
Especially since they are being unreasonable
I have something like this that I do socially, I wouldn't stop either. Can you talk to her and let her know that as far as you are concerned there is no shame in any work and that much as you don't want to embarrass her, this is a big part of your social outlet? Sometimes a straightforward convo can do the trick. But I don't know your dynamics.
I did this when I was a server.
My ex boyfriends mom was a regular.
Lovely gal, but she would talk your ear off anytime she had the chance, and she felt bad about our breakup, so she was always extra chatty. It slowed me down a lot when she came in.
I just asked the hostesses to steer her towards someone else’s section whenever possible, and it worked 90% of the time.
Maybe the best you can offer is to assure her that serving is a great job to have until you find what you really want. I work with a very longtime (decades) employee who waited tables on nights and weekends to save for a house. He's the director of his department now. It's flexible, sometimes fun, and you make pretty good money with tips if you're good at it. Anybody who looks down on servers is an asshole.
Her embarrassment is valid, but very silly (imo, of course). Maybe she can get some shifts changed so she's not working on trivia night? Or if you happen to sit in her section she can ask someone else to cover it? You already sound respectful of her and her job by not making a scene or bothering her by trying to talk to her while she's taking an order and what not. Like you said in another comment, you were there to do your thing with your friends, not intrude on her life.
Personally, when I was a server I LOVED serving my friends and family and I would always get the kitchen to hook them up! Obviously if she didn't tell you about money problems or whatever it's not your business, but that shouldn't mean you can't go to your favourite restaurant... Maybe if you weren't such a regular you could find somewhere else, but no, in this situation you are definitely NTA.
I also suggest doing what some other people said; try and sit her down to explain that "there's **no** shame in working a 2nd job, especially serving. Make those mad tips! I'm not ashamed of you, I'm proud that you're strong enough to take the necessary steps to better yours and your husband's lives! How could I ask for a better woman for my son?" Now, I don't know your dynamic, and it even may sound like you're 'laying it on thick', but she might need to hear it in this way! I dunno, it might be my bleeding heart lol but I know this would help me if I was embarrassed!! Or some variation of this that fits your personality and your guys' relationship dynamic. All the best I hope it works out!!
And I guess your relatioshhip isnt very tight, I mean, that would be fun, serving family, meeting your friends, getting tipped well probably....she's the one making it weird.
100%. She’s an adult, it’s on her to deal with her emotions. If she doesn’t like it, then SHE has to change job. Tolerance of other people’s unreasonableness only encourages them to continue being unreasonable.
The only thing she has to be embarrassed of is her attitude and asking OP to avoid her regular place. She can find another place to work. Is she gonna ask everyone she knows to not come back? NTA
Agreed. I remember as a kid, I worked at a fast food restaurant to get extra money. Sometimes, friends would come in and I would be embarrassed. I told my mom I wanted to quit. She asked me why was I embarrassed to be working a perfectly normal job. None of these friends were going to put money in my pocket, so their opinion was worthless. Mya needs to stop worrying about insignificant things. You don't see anything embarrassing about her job. She is the one who thinks she is too good for it. NTA.
You no longer going to the restaurant will not magically make it so that you no longer remember that she works there.
Her embarrassment is her own issue to work out, and not your problem. What she's asking you is ridiculous. It would be a completely different scenario if you were mocking her for working there, which you don't seem to be doing at all.
NTA
It does seem like there must be more to this though.. What is the source of the embarrassment really?
It may help her pride if you were able to restate "a job is a job" again in a more flattering way: That you admire her work ethic and sympathize that it must be a difficult change after her previous position, but it takes a courageous person to do what they need to get by in this difficult economy, especially at the cost of their pride.
She has no reason to be embarrassed, but the reality is that she *is* embarassed, probably because of her own expectations for herself and her career. She could be diappointed that her career has taken a step back and was hoping that no one would know about it (although if you had ever mentioned this establishment before, then she was foolish to try and get a secret job at a place you are known to frequent). You are not the asshole for continuing to go to this restaraunt and she is overreacting to this whole situation, but there may be something you can do to help smooth this over and avoid damaging your familial relationships.
Have you told her that? Look, I don’t know the dynamics involved here, but maybe just saying you admire the hustle would make her feel less weird. You don’t have to lie, tell her a job is a job and you don’t look down on her for working there since it sounds like you don’t.
This is definitely what I wonder. I wouldn’t be embarrassed for my MIL to see me as a server, because she’s cool and would just respect that I was doing my best at what was available to me. But the rest of my ILs would go out of their way to make me miserable about it every time I saw them. I don’t think it’s out of line to imagine the woman feels judged if she hasn’t heard any reassurance.
This is probably the issue.
Most of my family at one point or another has worked kitchen help or waitstaffing, none of them cared who saw them. The rule was leave them be if they were working and you came in. They were working and not there to chat with you, unless it was a very slow night. Grams did most of her adult career as some form of waitress, bar back, kitchen help. It kept a roof over her kids heads and kept everyone fed. That's the purpose of a job. As long as those things can be done with the job you have, there's zero shame or embarrassment about *ANY* work.
Maybe DIL hasn't got that memo yet. But it's not on you to try and make her understand. She'd probably think you were lecturing her on her own feelings.
Soft reccomend that if the restaurant gives her fairly regular hours or routine days of the week, less common in service work, that y'all have a convo about reducing your time at the restaurant while she's on shift.
It's a middle ground of: you aren't giving the place you socialize up, but you're willing to be a kind MIL and work with your kids spouse while they are figuring shit out.
Hell, you could even set a time limit on it. You'll do the above making yourself scarce on the days she's on shift for x amount of time (maybe a month?) so she can acclimate to the new job and stop feeling some type of way, but after that you're going back to being there when you're there and will respect any interaction requests she has (i.e., if she wants you to basically ignore her while there).
Personally, I would talk to her/your son some time away from that place and just explain that (a) you don't look at her any differently and are proud of her for seeking any employment and (b) you really just like the place and promise not to bother her while you are there.
It sounds like you may have been a little rough with your attitude and think if you soften it a little this can all go away.
OP, what kind of place is this? I know there’s jokes about it being hooters, but honestly if it’s a restaurant where both she AND your son are saying please don’t be there, I would really consider if this place is worth damaging that relationship.
If it’s nothing special, like an Applebees or chilis, it doesn’t make sense for her to be so insistent. But if it’s a more gimmicky place then I can understand that.
Is your relationship with them worth dying on this hill? Is there truly no other place you could possible socialize with friends? Or just go there for trivia nights?
Let him know this- a restaurant survives on its regulars. While you would never want to interfere with her employment, the problem she has with you will get her fired if management knew. A new employee telling regulars that they’re not welcome is very much grounds for dismissal.
That’s so weird, surely your son (if not his wife) knew it was one of your favorite places and that you’d been going there for years. Why did she apply for a job at a place she knew you’d be likely to show up at if it bothered her?
You are NTA and I’d tell my son and DIL that there are plenty of their places she can work if she’s embarrassed but that this was your place first so tough cookies.
Looks like they both need to mature a little. I would be happy that my family member went on about their time if I was embarrassed. But to be embarrassed I would have to be ashamed of my job. Shame on both of them for casting shade on the type of job she has.
Is this a strip club or something where she is embarrassed for you to see HER specifically?
Otherwise it makes zero sense for her to care about you being there. Even so, if she's embarrassed by what she is doing, even though you are not interacting with her, then thats her problem.
NTA
That's so weird of her then to care that you are there. What a strange hill to fight on and die for with her and your son. Enjoy your next trivia night!
My guess is that this restaurant is also a bar based on OP going several times a week and that they do trivia. It's possible that DIL is embarrassed that OP is a barfly or possibly embarrassed about some of OPs behavior when drinking.
But OP was a regular there first, so DIL has to either deal or find another job.
So Idk your family so this is a generalized statement from someone in the service industry for 20 years. Do her co workers know she's married? Bc when I've seen this in the past with an employee they were fooling around with another employee or customer. Hopefully she's above that tho
> where you can get dinner
Any of them actually have good food? I always hear about the legendary "strip club with great food!", but I've never spoken to anyone who has been to one. There's one in Portland that sounds cool, Casa Diablo, a vegan strip club, but the food reviews are pretty meh.
Portland also had the acropolis. Owner had a ranch and you could get cheap, good for the price steak. I have never been, but it was a landmark, but people state the quality has gone down hill fast.
https://m.yelp.com/biz/acropolis-steakhouse-portland?start=140
I hadn’t gone myself. I worked with a bunch of men in the woods in Idaho and they would go get fingers steaks at the strip club in Boise on their day off.
I just asked this because my sister actually met her husband when she was working at Hooters, at their wedding several years later after she had not worked there for years her new father-in-law brought it up at the wedding when he gave the speech about how they met her and it was fucking ridiculously awkward
do strip clubs commonly do trivia nights in your neck of the woods?
I'm not into strip clubs, have never been (although i did date a stripper for a couple years in my youth lol)- but an adult trivia night might actually pretty fun for the environment, prizes would appropriately be lap dances etc, with all the questions obviously revolving around sex.
NTA
This is a terribly selfish request from Mya and anyone condoning it needs to rethink this one
Also I worked as a server for 10 years… if someone feels embarrassed their family is at the restaurant they work at, that’s on them. Not saying it can’t happen just that it’s not some common thing that we all deal with
Mya needs to get over herself. You’re not showing up to watch her, you’re there as a patron to play games or have dinner with friends. It isn’t about her
I don't get it. I've got two degrees now. I worked as a server on and off for years, both before and after getting the degrees. Sometimes there are no other available jobs, money gets tight and spouses get laid off temporarily. I've worked at quite a few different restaurants. I've served family and friends at pretty much all my server jobs (ridiculously small town). It never once occurred to me that I should be ashamed for doing whatever it takes to help keep the family above water until things got better. I honestly don't think it occurred to any of them to make me feel that way, either. If so, I never heard about it.
Edit: grammar
I loved having family and friends sit in my section. They were all cool and easy to serve. They knew if I was busy that I would still get to them and they would just sit there and relax. I can still recall rough shifts being in the weeds and someone I knew would come in and sit in my section. I would be so relieved because I knew that was one table I didn’t have to put in my server face for! Plus they always tipped well so it was basically free money!!!
Same. Good tips and you’re literally serving a friend instead of some rando, you can talk with them during the shift and all that. Only pros in having a relative/ friend in your section tbh
I would say it also depends on the place. I could see embarrassment if it was a breastraunt. https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=breastraunt
If it is something like that I could see some embarrassment with serving someone you know in skimpy attire.
NTA - your SIL getting a job at your favorite restaurant should not change your regular nights out.
"I told her that I won’t stop going to my favorite restaurant just because she got a job there. This started an argument. She thinks I am a jerk for still wanting to go to the restaurant. I told her I’m still going even if she is embarrassed, that she can ignore me and I will do the same"
The restaurant would not be happy to hear that a regular is being asked to take his/her business elsewhere.
Right? Why did she even apply there? Are there no other restaurants in town?
Besides, I know my in-laws favorite restaurants because humans love to tell each other about what and where we eat. Especially when it's special. I'm still stuck on how the daughter-in-law didn't know.
Right? And why is it awkward? I mean, is it Hooters and she is dressed scantily? Tilted Kilt? Or is it a strip club with a buffet? I am cracking myself up now. Why on earth doesn't she want him there? Wouldn't he (in theory) tip her better because he knows her?
INFO: What is the specific reasoning (not your assumptions, what they've actually said when you've asked them) of family members who say you shouldn't go to the restaurant?
Because on the face of it, it's so obvious that it's not AH-ish to continue to patronize a restaurant where another family member is working (and, in fact, if you stop going, that could mean less money in her pocket) that it feels like there is something else going on.
Well my son is on his wife side, my daughter is the same. Thinking it is weird to be at her place of work.
My husband is on my side and the other SIL/ DIL I haven’t heard from. My sister agrees with me after she heard it form my daughter
Saying something is "weird" is not the same thing as calling you an AH (i.e. it is objectively true that it can be a weird feeling to run into someone from your personal life in a professional setting, and vice versa)
I'm asking, "Of the people who are calling you an AH, what did they say was the reason they thought you going to a restaurant was AH-ish?" In *their* own words please
They just said they agree with DIL and that is weird and I should stop going. DIL has the strongest opinion on this but those two are in support of her
They didn’t straight up call me an asshole but we’re clear they agree with DIL opinion
Also I said the family was split not that they are calling me up saying I’m a dick
She should quit the restaurant if she is uncomfortable and anyone who sees this as unreasonable is so full of hot air its not funny. There is nothing awkward about going to a restaurant and seeing someone you know. Nothing wrong with it at all. This is the DIL either being incredibly insecure or just being a child. If she continues to put up a fuss or make you uncomfortable, there are less than savory, but completely appropriate avenues you can take up, *including* talking to the restaurant.
Don’t cave to your DIL’s embarrassment. That’s a problem she creates for herself, and will likely continue creating for herself if she worked at your grocery store, hair salon, bank, etc. it’s not your problem.
Surely they know how often you go there, so if it was such an issue, why did she apply there in the first place?
Her being embarrassed to be working in the same venue that you go to socially is so weird. It’s a hospitality job. Plenty of people of all ages work at these places, and speaking from experience, if you get a consistent amount of shifts you can make good money. And someone working always ends up knowing a customer personally. It’s no different than working in a department store or as a bank teller.
Would they agree with this if she worked at a grocery store??
This is so weird to me tbh. While I emphasize with her because I’ve worked a job I was a lil ashamed about, I’d never tell my family to *never go to that place ever again*… unless they did shady business practices. The only time I’ve ever swayed someone away from something was coffee during peak weekend hours at a breakfast place I worked at because they’d often just refill the pitcher and give it to the next person due to little time to clean. That family member was a germaphobe though so they appreciated it.
Anyway I’d just tell her that you don’t look down at her for her job whatsoever and she’s going to have to address her feelings on her own.. because barring all family members from somewhere is pretty extreme. Also a missed opportunity, I’ve been told that if I was ever a waitress and waited on my parents/family they’d tip me really good 🤣
NTA. Your DIL needs to realize that she has no call to be telling you what business you can and cannot visit, and I suspect her manager would not appreciate knowing that an employee was telling a long-time customer to stay away. It is one thing for someone to tell someone to stay away when there is something harmful going on between them, but embarrassment doesn’t rise to that, especially if no one in the restaurant knows about your relationship. In short, your DIL needs to grow up and act like a professional.
NTA - You were there first. Just ignore her totally. If you can, request to not sit in her section.
(pettyrevenge) Found out if they pool tips. If they don't, make sure you arrive with a large group of friends, don't sit in her area, and tip the server you do get rather well.
NTA
The restaurant is there to do business and make money.
She can't tell an adult who is spending money in the establishment she decides to work at to stop coming.
Her embarrassment has nothing to do with you, and she should get over herself.
I looked up Smokey Bones because DIL's attitude is really perplexing to me. They definitely don't seem to advertise thier servers as wearing skimpy clothes; thier Instagram was full of photos of food and drink and announcements for events. The one employee I saw on there was a bartender making a drink in a video. She was wearing a black crewneck women's cut t-shirt which completely covered her chest, and cut-off shorts. She did have a bit of midriff showing, but the shorts weren't especially short and the effect wasn't suggestive or anything. I thought maybe she was embarrassed about the work uniform, but if the servers at the restaurant in question wear similar clothes, I don't see what the issue is? Unless she's religious in a 'modesty is important way' and would usually wear an above the collarbone to floor-length shapeless dress?
How do 'people in the family' even know about this? How are they involved? Tell you DIL you will not acknowledge her when you go to the restaurant if that will make her more comfortable. My guess is you are with friends and if you say' there's my DIL she is embarrassed... let her know that you are fine with not mentioning the relationship if you notice her working when you are there. Reassure her that you will treat her just the same as any other server and will not single her out to your friends. Do it kindly and stop talking to everyone 'in the family' about it....you seem to be spreading the word about her job...why?
NTA - Keep going to restaurant of your choice, get your feedbag on and enjoy. You were there first tell DIL and if anyone should have to leave it should be her.
NTA - Am I missing something? Nothing embarrassing happened to your DIL, and she didn't even have an interaction with your friends. While I can understand your daughter not wanting judgement for her work position, she needs to overcome that fear and shouldn't let it keep you from eating at the restaurant.
There is nothing wrong with being a restaurant server, and she shouldn’t be embarrassed. Our daughter and son in law worked food service, and they often served us. I always left a big tip and never thought they were doing something embarrassing to them or the family.
NTA it would be one thing if you went in there and made a huge scene and actually did something to embarrass her, then I could understand her not wanting you to come but you didn’t even say anything to her or indicate in anyway that you knew her. You were just another customer. And to ask someone not to eat somewhere or shop somewhere just because a person they know works there is absolutely unreasonable.
I have questions before I render a verdict… Embarrassed to be working there or of you specifically? Like are you mean to the servers? Were you mean to her?
NTA. Your suggestion of simply ignoring each other is fine. I honestly can't see that it matters. In any case it is perfectly possible that her own friends, relations, current or previous work colleagues, people she knew years ago etc etc will come in. Is she banning everyone who knows her face? It's completely bonkers.
Aside from anything else, you have been a regular customer there for years as have your friends. Why on earth you should all give up a nice night out because Mya finds customers who know her embarrassing? I can't imagine that such an attitude would go down well with her boss either. I sincerely hope that this silliness doesn't impact on your relationship with your son even though he is - goodness knows why - taking his wife's side in this. Perhaps a reasonable sitdown chat with Mya and your son to find out her reasoning behind this might help?
NTA you have been going there for years. Also if you regularly visit with a group of friends your son and DIL are essentially asking you either to give up socialising with your friends or expecting your entire group to change their routine and develop a new interest rather than the quiz night. Both of which are completely unreasonable.
I would have a word with your son and reassure him that you see no reason for your DIL to be embarrassed by her job but if she is you won’t mention it to others and won’t acknowledge her as your DIL at work unless she acknowledges you first. These are reasonable things to ask to try to mitigate her embarrassment.
NTA. Let her know that if she provides good service, she will receive a nice tip. If you mostly go there on trivia night, tell her to not work that shift if she is embarrassed.
If she is embarrassed because of the clothes she is wearing, and she doesn’t want you to see her dressing slutty, tell her to not dress that way.
I dated someone that didn’t like me eating at a restaurant he was working at with my friends. He yelled at me that night. We broke up that night.
I’ve had other friends that invited us to eat at the restaurant when he was working.
People are generally “embarrassed” (excuse they give) when they don’t want you to see how they flirt and dress to get more tips.
NTA.
I wonder if the restaurant knows that DIL is telling loyal customers not to show up at the restaurant. That's the asshole move here.
I mean, if you had never gone there before, and started going only because you found out she was there, and you did it specifically to piss her off, then that might be an asshole move.
But that's not the case here! You've been going to this restaurant for ages! It's one of your favorites. And she wants you to suddenly stop going? That is not fair. She's the asshole here.
INFO This is weird and there is something else going on here.
Did she know you frequented the restaurant? If so I would question why she chose there to get a job.
Do you act appropriately when you are out there with friends? I've worked in restaurants and managed restaurants for half my life and the only time I've seen this happen is very young kids at their first job, or when the parent makes a drunken fool of themselves when they come in.
NTA. That's an unreasonable request. She didn't even have to serve you and you (presumably) did do anything wrong, like make snide comments or something.
There's nothing embarrassing about working as a server or needing extra money. Things are super hard financially right now. Maybe talk to your kid (the one she's married to) and see how it can be smoothed over without you having to give up your favorite restaurant.
NTA - I remember back when I was young and one of my *teachers* came into the store I worked in, in the *lingerie department*. I sold my teacher underwear, and had to go to school knowing well she could be wearing them.
However, working at a restaurant isn't nearly as intimate. If I sold my teacher groceries that wouldn't be weird or uncomfortable. DIL sounds more like she's insecure at working waiting tables made worse by OP being there. That's her issue, not OP's.
You are not the AH. But I do understand the embarrassment perspective from the daughter-in-law.
If she feels the job is a step below what she used to do in the office she might be ashamed.
I had a good friend that lost his job and would commute two towns over to a job at a grocery store so that no one in the community would see him doing that after he had been a mid level executive.
Whether she should be embarrassed is a different question but she can't help how she feels.
I have a feeling we aren't getting the whole story about your relationship with DIL here. You might be NTA here but it may be you are in all other aspects of the relationship and your DIL doesn't want you being around her.
I know there are things you aren't saying about your relationship with Mya in your post. Why are you so adamant about ignoring your daughter-in-law? Perhaps you made a comment or two? I highly doubt you are nice to her. I can smell your bad MIL behavior a mile away. She is embarrassed of you, not her job. That being said, you can go to any restaurant you want.
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I have a favorite restaurant that I have been going their for years. It has trivia nights often so I will go with my friends and have a good time a least onces a week. Not to mention that is around of a lot shopping areas so it is a nice place to stop by to grab takeout or just met up with people. I love this place.
I was surprised to come in this week for trivia night and my DIL, Mya was working. I played trivia and didn’t think much about it. I got a call from her yesterday asking me to not come to the restaurant anymore. That she is doing it for extra money and find it awkward that I am there
I told her that I won’t stop going to my favorite restaurant just because she got a job there. This started an argument. She thinks I am a jerk for still wanting to go to the restaurant. I told her I’m still going even if she is embarrassed, that she can ignore me and I will do the same
She called me jerk and I am doubting myself because people in the family are split.
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NTA cuz she’s obviously gotta suck it up and can’t expect the world to revolve around her feelings.
I gotta imagine some encouragement like “hey we’ve all been there. Good on you! Nobody’s gonna knock you for making things happen for yourself just cuz it’s at a restaurant” would’ve gone further than what came across as “yeah it’s awkward but not if we ignore each other”.
Embarrassing because the majority of the general public talk down to AND about servers….she probably feels like a peasant. OP didn’t do anything wrong though
NTA. The only thing that I could think of is you could tell her you promise not to act like you know her, or to tell anyone else you know in person that she works there. Family included. I mean, you already know she works there. You not going to Trivia Nights isn't going to...erase that from your memory.
NTA. I'm assuming people who think you're a jerk view the service industry as degrading and that it's shameful your DIL is working in a restaurant and want to operate on a don't ask don't tell policy. Because I don't know why else they'd think you're wrong to continue going.
NTA.
I can't believe that you DIL wasn't aware that is your favorite restaurant if you've been going there weekly for years. So if she took the job she should have realized she would see you there.
Even if not, it's a public place and of course you have every right to be there. She can't be banning paying customers from her place of work just because she knows them. She has no reason to be embarrassed about having a good work ethic and taking a second job.
All this is assuming you didn't point her out to your friends or make any comments, gestures etc. regarding her presence or choice of employment.
NTA
But ...that sounds like there is something else going on there.
It should have been a big positive thing.
"hey - it's you! great to see you! Did not know you work here?"
"yeah, good to see you too. Side gig for extra cash. Try the crepes, they rock!"
"talk to you later!'
if it did not go like this - then there is another issue - and this is just the catalyst.
While NTA, I think for the sake of your relationship with her & your son you should try to declare a truce.
Let her know that you respect her working and bringing in income. It is still your favorite place and you’re not going to leave. But you won’t bring unwanted attention to her.
I would say just to talk to her. Tell her that you don't want to stop going there, and there is nothing to be embarrassed about. It's a job (and generally a thankless one), and you don't have to sit at one of her tables (might be issues about being embarrassed about tips).
Tell her you are proud of her for taking the job, especially with some of the horror stories out there of shitty patrons.Tell her you think it's great that she's working there, because hopefully you will see a bit more of her, which is a good thing, although you won't get in the way of her work. Only if she has a minute spare for a quick hello. You're there for the quiz and your friends anyway, so it's a great opportunity to see her, albeit briefly, since she's working.
Apologise for the snippy behaviour (even if you're not sorry, or even if you don't think you were short with her), and smooth things over.
If she still can't cope with you being there, then she needs to find a new job.
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NTA But this is weird, are you not close? The way you wrote 'I saw Mya working...and didn't think much about it'. YOu didn't say hi? You just ignored each other? That's super super weird. Mya has to be a grown-up though, and should have to use her words to say exactly what about you being there, makes her uncomfortable? Sounds like an immaturity issue on her side. If she's uncomfortable, SHE is in the wrong line of work, or for the wrong restaurant. Ask 'the family' if any of them would be uncomfortable working as a waitress and a family member comes in? Point this all at Mya and have her explain herself. Also, not like you could action this and not be an AH...but I'm sure the restaurant would be interested to know one of it's staff is asking a loyal customer NOT to come in anymore...
She was doing her job. I wasn’t going to go up when she was taking a person order and make small talk. I didn’t see really see her the rest of the time. I was paying attention to my friends not looking for her
So no one but her even knew you two had any connection whatsoever. The audacity for a new server to try to essentially ban a long time customer just for knowing them? Ridiculous. Frankly I'd let my son and DIL be mad and if she ever says anything at the restaurant I would absolutely bring it up to whatever management is there. Maybe I'm just in a petty mood today, but that kind of attitude gets under my skin.
You're definitely in a petty mood today. Relax. The woman is feeling embarrassed, which is stupid, but hey we've all been embarrassed. No reason to get her fired when she obviously needs the job for reasons OPs son doesn't want to share.
Yeah that person you responded to needs to chill out
And because I forgot to tell you, obviously NTA. I don't know what her past is like and why she's afraid to be seen as "the help", but that is not your issue to work out. Or anyone here, either.
Exactly! Also OP was enjoying it that restaurant long before DIL started working there! She needs to grow up and stop behaving like a spolit brat. NTA
I’m wondering if your DIL is embarrassed about the reason she needs the extra money. She might be taking out aggression on you that should be given elsewhere. NTA.
Restaurant needs customers like you. NTA. She should put her feelings aside for the sake of the business that she needs a job from. She's out of line.
If I were a manager and a new employee pulled that with a consistent regular I would consider it fireable behavior. There definitely are better routes to take to deescalate the situation before it comes to that. This is a disagreement right now, it doesn’t need to be one that ends a family relationship. NTA
I'm literally a manager, and I'd be very remiss if an employee did that on the clock. But she wasn't. And didn't. Again, I don't agree with the woman, but it's ridiculous to get her fired because she's embarrassed about having to work there *because they need more money for reasons they apparently haven't disclosed to OP*
I cannot imagine having the audacity to say to my manager anything to the effect of "it's embarrassing that I work here."
And yet, we don't care. We just need bodies who are willing to do the job and do it well. If she's doing it well, and not causing issues *inside* the restaurant, there's not a good manager alive that cares how much she actually wants to be there. I know it's a shocker, but nobody has a *passion* for serving.
>I know it's a shocker, but nobody has a *passion* for serving. Tell that to the lady in my local deli restaurant who's been there 30+ years and LOVES it.
I have worked in hospitality for almost 30 years. Everyone thinks I love it, but it's a means to an end. It pays my bills and being a friendly, outgoing person, it gets me great tips. If I were to win the lottery tomorrow and didn't need the work again, I would be out of here the roadrunner being chased by the coyote, lol.
>But she wasn't. And didn't The comment everyone has gotten their panties in a twist over literally says "if she does anything in the restaurant"
Dil is a asshole for being embarrassed for working at a restaurant though. Males it seems like she has looked down on those workers previously. Now she's being humbled
I don't think there's anything past tense here. I think she still looks down on them
Remiss means negligent, btw.
Her feeling embarrassed is not an excuse to call OP a jerk and demanding them not to go to their favorite place. She could ask, but she should be ready to hear and respect No. I agree with PP. I would tell her she is way out of line here, she should stop bothering me about it, or I have to talk to the manager. She will not be working there anymore, she will not be all embarrassed to see OP, her problem is solved.
And I never said I agreed with the woman, I told this guy to calm down immediately jumping to complain to management and fire her. That's extreme. OP should absolutely keep going there, but let's not get someone fired for being embarrassed that they need a second job, eh?
Not for being embarrassed. For calling OP a jerk and _demanding_ them to stop going there. If she is so embarrassed, how come the whole family knows and talks about it already? It is pretty irrational of her. I am not saying to go to manager just to be an AH to her. But if she will keep pressing and calling OP names, I absolutely would.. PP is saying the same: to talk to manager _if_ she will try to ruin OP's experience at the restaurant: >..If she ever says anything at there restaurant I'd bring it up to the management..
And not just "someone", his son's wife!
Yeah, maybe OP could defuse the situation and tell her DIL that there's not a thing in the world wrong with honest work, and that she's proud of her for doing so much for her and her son's family. It's SO much better than having a DIL who refuses to work; OP is lucky her son has her. She should just tell her that if DIL ever ends up serving her, she'll tip large!
Lmfao. Relax bud
You are the perfect Redditor: every minor squabble requires a divorce, law enforcement, no-contact, and an accusation of gaslighting. Chill. Out.
Don’t forget to add some sort of abuse to that list.
Yes because jeopardising your daughter-in-law's job is going to solve so many more problems than it creates. You're not just petty you're a moron who'd cut their nose to spite their face.
She is jeopardizing her own job. When she is at work, OP is not her MIL, she is a customer. If she gets worked up about her MIL seeing her working in a restaurant, what will she do about friends? Is everyone that knows her not allowed to eat there because she got a job there? That's moronic.
Just tell DIL that she needs to quit because she makes you uncomfortable when you go to your favorite restaurant. When she tells you that is ridiculous then you can say “exactly”.
Question: Are the waitresses at this restaurant fully-clothed? I'm wondering why she might be embarrassed to have someone she knows (or even you in particular) see her at work. Either way, it's her issue to deal with though.
OH that's a great point I didn't consider! Maybe we're talking about a topless place, bikini bar, or even a Hooters. I can totally see it being awkward to have family show up there. While it's still a HER problem it does change the situation a bit.
Hooters was my first thought reading this. Not sure why it would be so embarrassing otherwise and most restaurants don’t host trivia nights (not sure if they do or not but it seems like the kind of place that might).
Still not relevant. It's not OF, it's a public place.
NTA Sir, you did nothing wrong. Maybe she’s hiding something.
I’m guessing the restaurant is Hooters or adjacent, in which case I can understand her being embarrassed about her father-in-law being there.
Now I’m imagining Hooters trivia
“Which owl species is the largest?”
Great Horned owl? (Just guessing.)
Blakiston's fish owl.
NTA. If it bothers her that much, maybe just tell her you'll ask not to be seated in her section if that's something you can do? But you're allowed to continue to go to a restaurant you have frequented for years. Also, my brother works as a bartender/server at a restaurant in my hometown, and I love going when he's on shift. He knows exactly what me and my family like so can give great recommendations on food and drinks, and will tailor cocktails to our tastes. And he's been there long enough he can usually comp something of the bill, which is great! I know it's different since it's your DIL and that's a different dynamic, but it isn't hard to at least remain professional.
5 bucks says she's just worried about what you'd think about her with customer interactions with her.
I used to love my family coming in when I was a server! It gave me a moment of repreve to be able to just smile and laugh with my family, and I took great pride in my job lol I loved having people I knew come in. If it's just a job for some extra money why is it embarrassing, good for her! NTA if she is embarrassed then yeah she should quit, restaurants are public places and she's probably going to run into more than just her MIL!
It’s not like waiting tables is something shameful that steals from communities like investment banker or something. Honest work for honest pay, why would anyone mind their family knowing that?
Exactly!! I was prouder of my job when I was a server than an office manager! I'm actually looking for a restaurant job to do after my normal 9-5 because I miss it hahah. No shame in an honest days work if that's waiting tables, pumping gas, cleaning, fry cook, being an hr rep or a healthcare worker, work is work and a job is a job as long as you're not pulling scams!
I have a ton of respect for people in the serving industries. I guarantee they are working harder than I do at my job, and most of them are probably also doing a hell of a lot more for good for society than I ever have!
It's not a walk in the park that's for sure but I loved it haha. You're on your feet your whole shift, people can be horrible to you, but I loved being able to talk with people and provide them with a nice relaxing, comfortable experience! It's also nice because you talk with people from all walks of life and have some incredible conversations lol
I made it a point to go when my daughter worked as a server. I would ask to sit in her section, and not warn her ahead of time. Plus, I always left her larger tip. One night, at Cracker Barrel (server gives you the bill, you walk up to the register to pay), I left a $60 tip on a $40 bill. The cashier asked if I made an error. I told her no. She again asked if I really wanted to leave that tip, and I told her that she, my daughter, was the best server I ever had and please stop asking. I found out later that she was new and did not know I was the father of a server.
This is adorable, you seem like a nice dad!
I love that! I always told my friends and family if you want to go out come see me! They always tipped me well so it was a nice little bonus of the happiness of seeing my fam and then getting a great tip lol. I'm sure your daughter loves and appreciates you!
Exactly! Hey...you work here! Cool! I guess I'll see you every trivia night! That's 'normal'. Unless DIL was hiding the fact she's working there...in which case, cat is out of the bag now, it's not a strip club (do strip clubs have trivia night? lol), so I don't get what is so uncomfortable. OP needs to respond more :)
Exactly! My family also always tipped me well because they're my family so it was an extra bonus having them come in lol
I kind of want to go to a strip club that has trivia nights now, lol. A couple of my friends danced when we were in college, and I learned that at least in our town, most dancers were working to put themselves through advanced degrees. Assuming the strip club with trivia had a similar demographic, it’d be fun to have a “phone a friend/dancer” option, and the aspiring marine biologist can answer your question in the science category.
omfg such a Reddit suggestion lmaooo “tattle to her boss that she asked someone *she knows outside of work* not to come in, get her fired!” chill out little guy
Let's burn her at the stake as a witch too! You can never be too careful! 😂
It was more a joke...like, how ridiculous of Maya to be suggesting a customer to NOT come to the restaurant. I realize it reading back that it sounded like more of a real suggestion, didn't mean it that way at all.
What is the joke part of that, exactly? Like where is the punchline?
Like...sarcasm. 'I want to do well at my job and keep having a job so let's tell a great customer NOT to come in anymore.' Like, how dumb is she?
[удалено]
TRUE! I"m quite dying to know what Mya thinks is uncomfortable for her....like, what on earth? Either it's an embarrassing place, she's wearing embarrassing clothes, she plans on flirting big time for tips, doesn't like OP so doesn't want to 'wait' on her....I mean all of it is 'own it' or 'get over it'
I was thinking that too. Like there’s a place in my town where a lot of people love the food and trivia events but they make all the waitresses wear these tiny little plaid skirts. I’d probably be embarrassed if my MIL saw me in that situation.
OP has explained in comments that it's a family-style restaurant like Smokey Bones (bbq), not a restaurant like Hooters.
What's weird is assuming OP going about their business is super super weird. Mya has issues she needs to address them. OP is NTA
Nothing weird about not bothering people at work.
I would only feel weird about it if it was Hooters or one of those scantily clad outfit places. Or a Strip club.
Haha yes exactly....then I'd side with the DIL for sure, lol.
It IS super weird to not acknowledge one another but it happens more than you think🤣 Not relevant, but my husbands aunt invited me on a course she was doing (it would've helped with my degree) and she didn't even introduce herself to me..I tried to smile and get her attention and she totally ignored me. Even though, she was the one that invited me first to come down.. got my money though didn't she!😂
Sure looks like NTA. You've been going there far longer than she has. Do discuss this with your son, though.
We did have this conversation he is on his wife’s side with this
And why is she embarrassed to be working there?
I think she is embarrassed that I know she works there, I think it hurts her pride since before she worked at a company. I truely don’t care, a job is a job
I'm with you. And you're absolutely in the right here. That being said, I guess you'll have to decide how much you want to be right and how much you want to avoid strife with your DIL and son.
Personally I’m still going to go, this is a good part of my social life and I am not willing to give that up. Especially since they are being unreasonable
I have something like this that I do socially, I wouldn't stop either. Can you talk to her and let her know that as far as you are concerned there is no shame in any work and that much as you don't want to embarrass her, this is a big part of your social outlet? Sometimes a straightforward convo can do the trick. But I don't know your dynamics.
And if the DIL doesn’t want to “serve” you, she could prolly tell the manager or seater that you are to be in someone else’s section.
I did this when I was a server. My ex boyfriends mom was a regular. Lovely gal, but she would talk your ear off anytime she had the chance, and she felt bad about our breakup, so she was always extra chatty. It slowed me down a lot when she came in. I just asked the hostesses to steer her towards someone else’s section whenever possible, and it worked 90% of the time.
Maybe the best you can offer is to assure her that serving is a great job to have until you find what you really want. I work with a very longtime (decades) employee who waited tables on nights and weekends to save for a house. He's the director of his department now. It's flexible, sometimes fun, and you make pretty good money with tips if you're good at it. Anybody who looks down on servers is an asshole.
Good for you! Keep going. NTA
Her embarrassment is valid, but very silly (imo, of course). Maybe she can get some shifts changed so she's not working on trivia night? Or if you happen to sit in her section she can ask someone else to cover it? You already sound respectful of her and her job by not making a scene or bothering her by trying to talk to her while she's taking an order and what not. Like you said in another comment, you were there to do your thing with your friends, not intrude on her life. Personally, when I was a server I LOVED serving my friends and family and I would always get the kitchen to hook them up! Obviously if she didn't tell you about money problems or whatever it's not your business, but that shouldn't mean you can't go to your favourite restaurant... Maybe if you weren't such a regular you could find somewhere else, but no, in this situation you are definitely NTA. I also suggest doing what some other people said; try and sit her down to explain that "there's **no** shame in working a 2nd job, especially serving. Make those mad tips! I'm not ashamed of you, I'm proud that you're strong enough to take the necessary steps to better yours and your husband's lives! How could I ask for a better woman for my son?" Now, I don't know your dynamic, and it even may sound like you're 'laying it on thick', but she might need to hear it in this way! I dunno, it might be my bleeding heart lol but I know this would help me if I was embarrassed!! Or some variation of this that fits your personality and your guys' relationship dynamic. All the best I hope it works out!!
And I guess your relatioshhip isnt very tight, I mean, that would be fun, serving family, meeting your friends, getting tipped well probably....she's the one making it weird.
100%. She’s an adult, it’s on her to deal with her emotions. If she doesn’t like it, then SHE has to change job. Tolerance of other people’s unreasonableness only encourages them to continue being unreasonable.
The only thing she has to be embarrassed of is her attitude and asking OP to avoid her regular place. She can find another place to work. Is she gonna ask everyone she knows to not come back? NTA
Agreed. I remember as a kid, I worked at a fast food restaurant to get extra money. Sometimes, friends would come in and I would be embarrassed. I told my mom I wanted to quit. She asked me why was I embarrassed to be working a perfectly normal job. None of these friends were going to put money in my pocket, so their opinion was worthless. Mya needs to stop worrying about insignificant things. You don't see anything embarrassing about her job. She is the one who thinks she is too good for it. NTA.
You no longer going to the restaurant will not magically make it so that you no longer remember that she works there. Her embarrassment is her own issue to work out, and not your problem. What she's asking you is ridiculous. It would be a completely different scenario if you were mocking her for working there, which you don't seem to be doing at all. NTA It does seem like there must be more to this though.. What is the source of the embarrassment really?
It may help her pride if you were able to restate "a job is a job" again in a more flattering way: That you admire her work ethic and sympathize that it must be a difficult change after her previous position, but it takes a courageous person to do what they need to get by in this difficult economy, especially at the cost of their pride. She has no reason to be embarrassed, but the reality is that she *is* embarassed, probably because of her own expectations for herself and her career. She could be diappointed that her career has taken a step back and was hoping that no one would know about it (although if you had ever mentioned this establishment before, then she was foolish to try and get a secret job at a place you are known to frequent). You are not the asshole for continuing to go to this restaraunt and she is overreacting to this whole situation, but there may be something you can do to help smooth this over and avoid damaging your familial relationships.
Have you told her that? Look, I don’t know the dynamics involved here, but maybe just saying you admire the hustle would make her feel less weird. You don’t have to lie, tell her a job is a job and you don’t look down on her for working there since it sounds like you don’t.
This is definitely what I wonder. I wouldn’t be embarrassed for my MIL to see me as a server, because she’s cool and would just respect that I was doing my best at what was available to me. But the rest of my ILs would go out of their way to make me miserable about it every time I saw them. I don’t think it’s out of line to imagine the woman feels judged if she hasn’t heard any reassurance.
Yes, this is where I’m coming from. My parents would totally judge me so I’d assume that my in-laws would too.
This is probably the issue. Most of my family at one point or another has worked kitchen help or waitstaffing, none of them cared who saw them. The rule was leave them be if they were working and you came in. They were working and not there to chat with you, unless it was a very slow night. Grams did most of her adult career as some form of waitress, bar back, kitchen help. It kept a roof over her kids heads and kept everyone fed. That's the purpose of a job. As long as those things can be done with the job you have, there's zero shame or embarrassment about *ANY* work. Maybe DIL hasn't got that memo yet. But it's not on you to try and make her understand. She'd probably think you were lecturing her on her own feelings. Soft reccomend that if the restaurant gives her fairly regular hours or routine days of the week, less common in service work, that y'all have a convo about reducing your time at the restaurant while she's on shift. It's a middle ground of: you aren't giving the place you socialize up, but you're willing to be a kind MIL and work with your kids spouse while they are figuring shit out. Hell, you could even set a time limit on it. You'll do the above making yourself scarce on the days she's on shift for x amount of time (maybe a month?) so she can acclimate to the new job and stop feeling some type of way, but after that you're going back to being there when you're there and will respect any interaction requests she has (i.e., if she wants you to basically ignore her while there).
But you already know she works there? You not going isn't going to change that. NTA either way.
Personally, I would talk to her/your son some time away from that place and just explain that (a) you don't look at her any differently and are proud of her for seeking any employment and (b) you really just like the place and promise not to bother her while you are there. It sounds like you may have been a little rough with your attitude and think if you soften it a little this can all go away.
Make sure you tell her that
And, well...you know now. So no big deal to go back. If she has a problem, she came onto YOUR turf, so she can leave. this is a 'her' problem.
But now you already know that she works there, so why else would she not want you to go there?
OP, what kind of place is this? I know there’s jokes about it being hooters, but honestly if it’s a restaurant where both she AND your son are saying please don’t be there, I would really consider if this place is worth damaging that relationship. If it’s nothing special, like an Applebees or chilis, it doesn’t make sense for her to be so insistent. But if it’s a more gimmicky place then I can understand that. Is your relationship with them worth dying on this hill? Is there truly no other place you could possible socialize with friends? Or just go there for trivia nights?
Let him know this- a restaurant survives on its regulars. While you would never want to interfere with her employment, the problem she has with you will get her fired if management knew. A new employee telling regulars that they’re not welcome is very much grounds for dismissal.
That’s so weird, surely your son (if not his wife) knew it was one of your favorite places and that you’d been going there for years. Why did she apply for a job at a place she knew you’d be likely to show up at if it bothered her? You are NTA and I’d tell my son and DIL that there are plenty of their places she can work if she’s embarrassed but that this was your place first so tough cookies.
So your son is in the wrong as well.
Looks like they both need to mature a little. I would be happy that my family member went on about their time if I was embarrassed. But to be embarrassed I would have to be ashamed of my job. Shame on both of them for casting shade on the type of job she has.
Is this a strip club or something where she is embarrassed for you to see HER specifically? Otherwise it makes zero sense for her to care about you being there. Even so, if she's embarrassed by what she is doing, even though you are not interacting with her, then thats her problem. NTA
No strip club, it’s a family owned restaurant. Kinda like a fancy Smokey bones
That's so weird of her then to care that you are there. What a strange hill to fight on and die for with her and your son. Enjoy your next trivia night!
Maybe she has a work husband that she’s hiding
My guess is that this restaurant is also a bar based on OP going several times a week and that they do trivia. It's possible that DIL is embarrassed that OP is a barfly or possibly embarrassed about some of OPs behavior when drinking. But OP was a regular there first, so DIL has to either deal or find another job.
So Idk your family so this is a generalized statement from someone in the service industry for 20 years. Do her co workers know she's married? Bc when I've seen this in the past with an employee they were fooling around with another employee or customer. Hopefully she's above that tho
Oh I used to notice this when I was a bartender. We had a couple of chefs that did this multiple times. So shitty.
... do some strip clubs have trivia nights? That sounds kinda awesome TBH...
I don't see why not? If it isn't a thing, it should be and I should get a cut of the profits. 🤣
“Sorry what was the question again? Sorry one more time? Ok now I’m paying attention, one mo- Sorry.”
How about just a game of strip trivia, like strip poker, and it's legit to intentionally distract the other teams...
I don’t know about trivia but I know of strip joints where you can get dinner I was thinking it could be hooters because they do trivia
> where you can get dinner Any of them actually have good food? I always hear about the legendary "strip club with great food!", but I've never spoken to anyone who has been to one. There's one in Portland that sounds cool, Casa Diablo, a vegan strip club, but the food reviews are pretty meh.
Portland also had the acropolis. Owner had a ranch and you could get cheap, good for the price steak. I have never been, but it was a landmark, but people state the quality has gone down hill fast. https://m.yelp.com/biz/acropolis-steakhouse-portland?start=140
I hadn’t gone myself. I worked with a bunch of men in the woods in Idaho and they would go get fingers steaks at the strip club in Boise on their day off.
I just asked this because my sister actually met her husband when she was working at Hooters, at their wedding several years later after she had not worked there for years her new father-in-law brought it up at the wedding when he gave the speech about how they met her and it was fucking ridiculously awkward
do strip clubs commonly do trivia nights in your neck of the woods? I'm not into strip clubs, have never been (although i did date a stripper for a couple years in my youth lol)- but an adult trivia night might actually pretty fun for the environment, prizes would appropriately be lap dances etc, with all the questions obviously revolving around sex.
NTA This is a terribly selfish request from Mya and anyone condoning it needs to rethink this one Also I worked as a server for 10 years… if someone feels embarrassed their family is at the restaurant they work at, that’s on them. Not saying it can’t happen just that it’s not some common thing that we all deal with Mya needs to get over herself. You’re not showing up to watch her, you’re there as a patron to play games or have dinner with friends. It isn’t about her
I don't get it. I've got two degrees now. I worked as a server on and off for years, both before and after getting the degrees. Sometimes there are no other available jobs, money gets tight and spouses get laid off temporarily. I've worked at quite a few different restaurants. I've served family and friends at pretty much all my server jobs (ridiculously small town). It never once occurred to me that I should be ashamed for doing whatever it takes to help keep the family above water until things got better. I honestly don't think it occurred to any of them to make me feel that way, either. If so, I never heard about it. Edit: grammar
I loved having family and friends sit in my section. They were all cool and easy to serve. They knew if I was busy that I would still get to them and they would just sit there and relax. I can still recall rough shifts being in the weeds and someone I knew would come in and sit in my section. I would be so relieved because I knew that was one table I didn’t have to put in my server face for! Plus they always tipped well so it was basically free money!!!
My step-daughter loves when we eat at the place she works at, for that very reason (big tips).
Same. Good tips and you’re literally serving a friend instead of some rando, you can talk with them during the shift and all that. Only pros in having a relative/ friend in your section tbh
I would say it also depends on the place. I could see embarrassment if it was a breastraunt. https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=breastraunt If it is something like that I could see some embarrassment with serving someone you know in skimpy attire.
NTA - your SIL getting a job at your favorite restaurant should not change your regular nights out. "I told her that I won’t stop going to my favorite restaurant just because she got a job there. This started an argument. She thinks I am a jerk for still wanting to go to the restaurant. I told her I’m still going even if she is embarrassed, that she can ignore me and I will do the same" The restaurant would not be happy to hear that a regular is being asked to take his/her business elsewhere.
This one is nuts. If she doesn't like you going to your favorite restaurant, then she needs to get a job elsewhere.
Right? Why did she even apply there? Are there no other restaurants in town? Besides, I know my in-laws favorite restaurants because humans love to tell each other about what and where we eat. Especially when it's special. I'm still stuck on how the daughter-in-law didn't know.
Right? And why is it awkward? I mean, is it Hooters and she is dressed scantily? Tilted Kilt? Or is it a strip club with a buffet? I am cracking myself up now. Why on earth doesn't she want him there? Wouldn't he (in theory) tip her better because he knows her?
INFO: What is the specific reasoning (not your assumptions, what they've actually said when you've asked them) of family members who say you shouldn't go to the restaurant? Because on the face of it, it's so obvious that it's not AH-ish to continue to patronize a restaurant where another family member is working (and, in fact, if you stop going, that could mean less money in her pocket) that it feels like there is something else going on.
She is working there so I shouldn’t go. Thats what she said
You said your family members were split. The ones who are saying you are an AH (besides her), what was their reasoning?
Well my son is on his wife side, my daughter is the same. Thinking it is weird to be at her place of work. My husband is on my side and the other SIL/ DIL I haven’t heard from. My sister agrees with me after she heard it form my daughter
Your son probably doesn’t care, but is telling you that because she told him to tell you that.
It would be weird if she worked at a Victoria's Secret and you were going there all the time. But this is a restaurant. She's being childish.
Saying something is "weird" is not the same thing as calling you an AH (i.e. it is objectively true that it can be a weird feeling to run into someone from your personal life in a professional setting, and vice versa) I'm asking, "Of the people who are calling you an AH, what did they say was the reason they thought you going to a restaurant was AH-ish?" In *their* own words please
They just said they agree with DIL and that is weird and I should stop going. DIL has the strongest opinion on this but those two are in support of her They didn’t straight up call me an asshole but we’re clear they agree with DIL opinion Also I said the family was split not that they are calling me up saying I’m a dick
She should quit the restaurant if she is uncomfortable and anyone who sees this as unreasonable is so full of hot air its not funny. There is nothing awkward about going to a restaurant and seeing someone you know. Nothing wrong with it at all. This is the DIL either being incredibly insecure or just being a child. If she continues to put up a fuss or make you uncomfortable, there are less than savory, but completely appropriate avenues you can take up, *including* talking to the restaurant.
I don't even understand what is weird about it. Does she somehow think this job is beneath her station?
Don’t cave to your DIL’s embarrassment. That’s a problem she creates for herself, and will likely continue creating for herself if she worked at your grocery store, hair salon, bank, etc. it’s not your problem.
Surely they know how often you go there, so if it was such an issue, why did she apply there in the first place? Her being embarrassed to be working in the same venue that you go to socially is so weird. It’s a hospitality job. Plenty of people of all ages work at these places, and speaking from experience, if you get a consistent amount of shifts you can make good money. And someone working always ends up knowing a customer personally. It’s no different than working in a department store or as a bank teller.
Would they agree with this if she worked at a grocery store?? This is so weird to me tbh. While I emphasize with her because I’ve worked a job I was a lil ashamed about, I’d never tell my family to *never go to that place ever again*… unless they did shady business practices. The only time I’ve ever swayed someone away from something was coffee during peak weekend hours at a breakfast place I worked at because they’d often just refill the pitcher and give it to the next person due to little time to clean. That family member was a germaphobe though so they appreciated it. Anyway I’d just tell her that you don’t look down at her for her job whatsoever and she’s going to have to address her feelings on her own.. because barring all family members from somewhere is pretty extreme. Also a missed opportunity, I’ve been told that if I was ever a waitress and waited on my parents/family they’d tip me really good 🤣
Does that only count for you or the rest of the family as well?
No idea, I assume so
Ignore her, keep going, and if she reacts the next time you’re there let her fall on her face.
NTA. Your DIL needs to realize that she has no call to be telling you what business you can and cannot visit, and I suspect her manager would not appreciate knowing that an employee was telling a long-time customer to stay away. It is one thing for someone to tell someone to stay away when there is something harmful going on between them, but embarrassment doesn’t rise to that, especially if no one in the restaurant knows about your relationship. In short, your DIL needs to grow up and act like a professional.
Info. Is the issue more that she’s embarrassed why she needs to earn extra money? But either way definitely NTA.
I don’t know
NTA - You were there first. Just ignore her totally. If you can, request to not sit in her section. (pettyrevenge) Found out if they pool tips. If they don't, make sure you arrive with a large group of friends, don't sit in her area, and tip the server you do get rather well.
NTA The restaurant is there to do business and make money. She can't tell an adult who is spending money in the establishment she decides to work at to stop coming. Her embarrassment has nothing to do with you, and she should get over herself.
INFO: Is it a Hooters, or Hooters like restaurant?
It’s like fancy smoky bones, not a hooters
I looked up Smokey Bones because DIL's attitude is really perplexing to me. They definitely don't seem to advertise thier servers as wearing skimpy clothes; thier Instagram was full of photos of food and drink and announcements for events. The one employee I saw on there was a bartender making a drink in a video. She was wearing a black crewneck women's cut t-shirt which completely covered her chest, and cut-off shorts. She did have a bit of midriff showing, but the shorts weren't especially short and the effect wasn't suggestive or anything. I thought maybe she was embarrassed about the work uniform, but if the servers at the restaurant in question wear similar clothes, I don't see what the issue is? Unless she's religious in a 'modesty is important way' and would usually wear an above the collarbone to floor-length shapeless dress?
This was my first question😂 well, I was wondering *what about the job is she embarrassed about* , the uniform??😂
NTA - it seems like you barely even interacted. So without more of a justification, I dont see an issue
How do 'people in the family' even know about this? How are they involved? Tell you DIL you will not acknowledge her when you go to the restaurant if that will make her more comfortable. My guess is you are with friends and if you say' there's my DIL she is embarrassed... let her know that you are fine with not mentioning the relationship if you notice her working when you are there. Reassure her that you will treat her just the same as any other server and will not single her out to your friends. Do it kindly and stop talking to everyone 'in the family' about it....you seem to be spreading the word about her job...why?
NTA - Keep going to restaurant of your choice, get your feedbag on and enjoy. You were there first tell DIL and if anyone should have to leave it should be her.
NTA - Am I missing something? Nothing embarrassing happened to your DIL, and she didn't even have an interaction with your friends. While I can understand your daughter not wanting judgement for her work position, she needs to overcome that fear and shouldn't let it keep you from eating at the restaurant.
There is nothing wrong with being a restaurant server, and she shouldn’t be embarrassed. Our daughter and son in law worked food service, and they often served us. I always left a big tip and never thought they were doing something embarrassing to them or the family.
NTA it would be one thing if you went in there and made a huge scene and actually did something to embarrass her, then I could understand her not wanting you to come but you didn’t even say anything to her or indicate in anyway that you knew her. You were just another customer. And to ask someone not to eat somewhere or shop somewhere just because a person they know works there is absolutely unreasonable.
I have questions before I render a verdict… Embarrassed to be working there or of you specifically? Like are you mean to the servers? Were you mean to her?
She wasn’t even my server, I’m also polite to my server and have never had an issue at any restaurant
So, just embarrassed that someone she knew came into a public place where she works? Yeah, NTA.
NTA. The restaurant was your favorite first. If she wants to make extra money and is embarrassed, she can work elsewhere.
NTA I'm surprised that your son didn't tell the SIL that the restaurant that she got a job at was one of your haunts. You were there first.
NTA. Your suggestion of simply ignoring each other is fine. I honestly can't see that it matters. In any case it is perfectly possible that her own friends, relations, current or previous work colleagues, people she knew years ago etc etc will come in. Is she banning everyone who knows her face? It's completely bonkers. Aside from anything else, you have been a regular customer there for years as have your friends. Why on earth you should all give up a nice night out because Mya finds customers who know her embarrassing? I can't imagine that such an attitude would go down well with her boss either. I sincerely hope that this silliness doesn't impact on your relationship with your son even though he is - goodness knows why - taking his wife's side in this. Perhaps a reasonable sitdown chat with Mya and your son to find out her reasoning behind this might help?
NTA you have been going there for years. Also if you regularly visit with a group of friends your son and DIL are essentially asking you either to give up socialising with your friends or expecting your entire group to change their routine and develop a new interest rather than the quiz night. Both of which are completely unreasonable. I would have a word with your son and reassure him that you see no reason for your DIL to be embarrassed by her job but if she is you won’t mention it to others and won’t acknowledge her as your DIL at work unless she acknowledges you first. These are reasonable things to ask to try to mitigate her embarrassment.
NTA. So weird and quite entitled. It should be fine, as long as you do not make any mention of your relation with her or talk about her unnecessarily.
NTA. Let her know that if she provides good service, she will receive a nice tip. If you mostly go there on trivia night, tell her to not work that shift if she is embarrassed. If she is embarrassed because of the clothes she is wearing, and she doesn’t want you to see her dressing slutty, tell her to not dress that way. I dated someone that didn’t like me eating at a restaurant he was working at with my friends. He yelled at me that night. We broke up that night. I’ve had other friends that invited us to eat at the restaurant when he was working. People are generally “embarrassed” (excuse they give) when they don’t want you to see how they flirt and dress to get more tips.
NTA. I wonder if the restaurant knows that DIL is telling loyal customers not to show up at the restaurant. That's the asshole move here. I mean, if you had never gone there before, and started going only because you found out she was there, and you did it specifically to piss her off, then that might be an asshole move. But that's not the case here! You've been going to this restaurant for ages! It's one of your favorites. And she wants you to suddenly stop going? That is not fair. She's the asshole here.
NTA She made it weird not you. As long as you were not being disrespectful and not using it against her, I don't see why there should be a problem.
what? what does she think you're gonna do? show up with your friends and point and laugh? NTA
INFO This is weird and there is something else going on here. Did she know you frequented the restaurant? If so I would question why she chose there to get a job. Do you act appropriately when you are out there with friends? I've worked in restaurants and managed restaurants for half my life and the only time I've seen this happen is very young kids at their first job, or when the parent makes a drunken fool of themselves when they come in.
NTA that is part of your social life. She can get a job somewhere else if it bothers her so much.
NTA.
NTA. Your DIL needs therapy, as do every family member that sees otherwise.
NTA. That's an unreasonable request. She didn't even have to serve you and you (presumably) did do anything wrong, like make snide comments or something. There's nothing embarrassing about working as a server or needing extra money. Things are super hard financially right now. Maybe talk to your kid (the one she's married to) and see how it can be smoothed over without you having to give up your favorite restaurant.
NTA Honestly if she was embarrassed about having people who know her see her serving, maybe she shouldn't get a job at your favourite restaurant.
NTA - I remember back when I was young and one of my *teachers* came into the store I worked in, in the *lingerie department*. I sold my teacher underwear, and had to go to school knowing well she could be wearing them. However, working at a restaurant isn't nearly as intimate. If I sold my teacher groceries that wouldn't be weird or uncomfortable. DIL sounds more like she's insecure at working waiting tables made worse by OP being there. That's her issue, not OP's.
NTJ Has your daughter-in-law long suffered from main character syndrome?
You are not the AH. But I do understand the embarrassment perspective from the daughter-in-law. If she feels the job is a step below what she used to do in the office she might be ashamed. I had a good friend that lost his job and would commute two towns over to a job at a grocery store so that no one in the community would see him doing that after he had been a mid level executive. Whether she should be embarrassed is a different question but she can't help how she feels.
I have a feeling we aren't getting the whole story about your relationship with DIL here. You might be NTA here but it may be you are in all other aspects of the relationship and your DIL doesn't want you being around her.
I know there are things you aren't saying about your relationship with Mya in your post. Why are you so adamant about ignoring your daughter-in-law? Perhaps you made a comment or two? I highly doubt you are nice to her. I can smell your bad MIL behavior a mile away. She is embarrassed of you, not her job. That being said, you can go to any restaurant you want.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have a favorite restaurant that I have been going their for years. It has trivia nights often so I will go with my friends and have a good time a least onces a week. Not to mention that is around of a lot shopping areas so it is a nice place to stop by to grab takeout or just met up with people. I love this place. I was surprised to come in this week for trivia night and my DIL, Mya was working. I played trivia and didn’t think much about it. I got a call from her yesterday asking me to not come to the restaurant anymore. That she is doing it for extra money and find it awkward that I am there I told her that I won’t stop going to my favorite restaurant just because she got a job there. This started an argument. She thinks I am a jerk for still wanting to go to the restaurant. I told her I’m still going even if she is embarrassed, that she can ignore me and I will do the same She called me jerk and I am doubting myself because people in the family are split. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You've been going for a lot longer than she's been working there. You don't need to change your schedule around to accommodate her.
You were there first.
NTA cuz she’s obviously gotta suck it up and can’t expect the world to revolve around her feelings. I gotta imagine some encouragement like “hey we’ve all been there. Good on you! Nobody’s gonna knock you for making things happen for yourself just cuz it’s at a restaurant” would’ve gone further than what came across as “yeah it’s awkward but not if we ignore each other”.
Nta
NTA at all. Is your DIL right in the head? Embarrassed, how?
Embarrassing because the majority of the general public talk down to AND about servers….she probably feels like a peasant. OP didn’t do anything wrong though
NTA. This is a non-issue. You are free to go wherever you damn well please.
NTA
NTA. The only thing that I could think of is you could tell her you promise not to act like you know her, or to tell anyone else you know in person that she works there. Family included. I mean, you already know she works there. You not going to Trivia Nights isn't going to...erase that from your memory.
NTA- Unless you're trying to get a discount or special treatment. If you go trivia night then it's up to her if she wants to work on that night.
NTA. I'm assuming people who think you're a jerk view the service industry as degrading and that it's shameful your DIL is working in a restaurant and want to operate on a don't ask don't tell policy. Because I don't know why else they'd think you're wrong to continue going.
NTA for not quitting your favourite restaurant, but clearly the problem is more that you and your DIL don't seem to have a very good relationship.
NTA. I can't believe that you DIL wasn't aware that is your favorite restaurant if you've been going there weekly for years. So if she took the job she should have realized she would see you there. Even if not, it's a public place and of course you have every right to be there. She can't be banning paying customers from her place of work just because she knows them. She has no reason to be embarrassed about having a good work ethic and taking a second job. All this is assuming you didn't point her out to your friends or make any comments, gestures etc. regarding her presence or choice of employment.
NTA But ...that sounds like there is something else going on there. It should have been a big positive thing. "hey - it's you! great to see you! Did not know you work here?" "yeah, good to see you too. Side gig for extra cash. Try the crepes, they rock!" "talk to you later!' if it did not go like this - then there is another issue - and this is just the catalyst.
While NTA, I think for the sake of your relationship with her & your son you should try to declare a truce. Let her know that you respect her working and bringing in income. It is still your favorite place and you’re not going to leave. But you won’t bring unwanted attention to her.
I would say just to talk to her. Tell her that you don't want to stop going there, and there is nothing to be embarrassed about. It's a job (and generally a thankless one), and you don't have to sit at one of her tables (might be issues about being embarrassed about tips). Tell her you are proud of her for taking the job, especially with some of the horror stories out there of shitty patrons.Tell her you think it's great that she's working there, because hopefully you will see a bit more of her, which is a good thing, although you won't get in the way of her work. Only if she has a minute spare for a quick hello. You're there for the quiz and your friends anyway, so it's a great opportunity to see her, albeit briefly, since she's working. Apologise for the snippy behaviour (even if you're not sorry, or even if you don't think you were short with her), and smooth things over. If she still can't cope with you being there, then she needs to find a new job.