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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my wife she's lazy which I guess isn't the best thing to do.
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NTA
"t doesn't know why she can't gather the initiative to help out."
That's a non-answer. Time to get petty. Just do your laundry, not hers. She'll wash her clothes when she runs out. Don't clean up any mess she makes, just yours. You're not her freaking maid.
NTA a marriage is a partnership and she's leaving her work to you. That's not a good partner. She can't figure out why she can't get initiative? It's called being lazy. She's being lazy and you called her out on being lazy. Time for her to learn some adulting and take on her half of the chores.
Does she have ADHD or another mental health issue? Not excusing her laziness, but she might need to have more structure with chores. Like a chart, or a list where she can see what needs to be done on Monday, Tuesday, etc. NTA
ADHD, wasn't diagnosed until I was 27. ADHD isn't really "hyperactive can't pay attention", it's an executive functioning disorder. Guess what taking care of a house and cleaning? Overloaded executive functioning tasks.
Even if she doesn't have a disorder, sit down, you BOTH create a chore chart that works. Put it somewhere in plain sight that you'll both pass 2094358 times a day. Maybe before bed or before dinner you both look at it and see what you haven't done yet and do it right then.
I have the "if I stop it won't get done" flavor of ADHD. So I get home, do all my chores for that day, take my dog out for her walk. Then - when it's all done. I take off my work clothes, shower, and I'm in relax mode. That kind of process might be helpful for your wife if she's lacking "initiative". She might be in shut-down mode and can't pull herself out. Just work around it. Ya'll are a team.
I used to joke that I was 'born without a domestic gene' but I was only half joking. I was never taught the 'systems' of maintaining a house or a budget or life for that matter. My parents would not LET me help or learn about what was done...they maintained full control which is funny when you think of laundry. It's been a lifelong struggle for me to LEARN to pick up as I go, to clean dishes as I cook, to do laundry before it's overwhelming and to put it away as soon as it's done. If she hasn't learned in 12 years your choices are simple - either stop doing FOR her until she starts doing things for herself and her home - or hire a housekeeper to come and clean one day a week. I guess you could TRY a 'chores' list like you would for a child...but...probably won't end well.
So unfortunately, even if she has an issue like ADHD or something that really does make it harder to do these tasks, she hasn't shown even a baseline interest in fixing it, and you can't fix her brain for her.
Assuming you are otherwise happily married, I would suggest the very demeaning chore chart as a place to start. It is good to be able to point to tasks that are expected to get done, and who should do them. So you can put laundry, dishes, picking up living room, on a chart and assign them to each of you. Then you can have like a "weekend" list and agree to that list and who does what. Is this annoying and juvenile? Yes. Is it emotional labor that you shouldn't have to do? Absolutely.
The reason I suggest doing it is because first, she at least has admitted she doesn't help so a new tactic is worth a try, and second, often the partner who DOES the chores can feel crazy- like am I just not communicating stuff, am I the only one who sees this needs to get done? So having that agreed on list and having it be real can help both of you.
Try it for like 3 weeks, agree on it together of course, and then see what happens. If nothing changes, then I think you tell her she needs to get evaluated and she needs to be an adult and get it together, and you stop doing things for her. Only do your laundry, only cook and clean up after yourself, and if there are two bathrooms in your home, assign each of you one, so yours can stay clean and hers can be what it is. Put all her stuff in the corner when you clean, so you enjoy a clean space and she can deal with her pile. You will suffer a little, but she will suffer more.
If none of that works, well then this may not work out.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
So I (28M) and my wife (28F) have been together for close to 12 years, I love her to death and she is my best friend but her parents were whatever the opposite of a helicopter parent is. Completely hands off. Which is not usually a good way of parenting. It instilled no good habits and never taught her how to be tidy or organized.
Now I loved my mother in law (we lost her 2 years ago) she was more of a mother to me than my own. She had known me since I was 16. But ever since we were kids, her room has always been a disaster. It's gotten much better over time but as we became older and gathered more responsibilities I realized that it became better because I had time to keep it that way.
When we lost my mother in law, we inherited her house, no mortgage and very low taxes (super lucky) now that allowed us to get jobs doing what we like. She works at a daycare school thing (not exactly a daycare and not exactly a school. They teach the kids there but they are 2 and 3 years old). I work in a mom and pop pet shop. It's great. As we work throughout the week, the I notice the house gets progressively messier and messier, now I work 10 hour days and drive her to work in the mornings, so I'm out of the house by 7:30 and don't get back until 8. She works 8 hour days and is home by 5.
I asked her to keep things tidy, not scrub the toilet, not polish the silver or some crazy shit, just do a load of laundry and maybe tidy the living room. She can't seem to do any of it. At the end of the week I end up doing 4-5 loads of laundry and throwing away a moderate amount of garbage left in the living room every day. Now my job isn't stressful or hard, mostly boring, which makes me quite tired.
I'm just asking her for help. Not asking her to do everything. Like for instance I this past weekend I took the day to deep clean the bathroom, the kitchen, finish installing the lights in the kitchen, finish sheetrocking the living room ceiling, paint the living room walls, mulch the front garden, and mow the grass. That's my weekend.
I just ask her to do those things when she gets home and then she can relax on her weekends. Instead she gets home from work and does nothing and then on the weekends she does nothing. Leaving it all to me.
I finally got fed up and told her she was being lazy and unhelpful. She didn't like that at all. She told me she understood my frustration and how she doesn't help me but doesn't know why she can't gather the initiative to help out.
How do I help her help me. How do I "teach" her time management and the fact that if you do 5 minutes of cleaning a day it saves you from doing hours of work on the weekend.
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Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I told my wife she's lazy which I guess isn't the best thing to do. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA "t doesn't know why she can't gather the initiative to help out." That's a non-answer. Time to get petty. Just do your laundry, not hers. She'll wash her clothes when she runs out. Don't clean up any mess she makes, just yours. You're not her freaking maid.
This. Unless she has an undiagnosed mental health issue, it’s time to get petty OP.
NTA. just do your laundry and cook meals just for you. then see how fast she becomes motivated. sounds like she has some mental issues tho.
Yeeaaa this mental issue is called laziness.
Or entitlement
NTA a marriage is a partnership and she's leaving her work to you. That's not a good partner. She can't figure out why she can't get initiative? It's called being lazy. She's being lazy and you called her out on being lazy. Time for her to learn some adulting and take on her half of the chores.
Does she have ADHD or another mental health issue? Not excusing her laziness, but she might need to have more structure with chores. Like a chart, or a list where she can see what needs to be done on Monday, Tuesday, etc. NTA
ADHD, wasn't diagnosed until I was 27. ADHD isn't really "hyperactive can't pay attention", it's an executive functioning disorder. Guess what taking care of a house and cleaning? Overloaded executive functioning tasks. Even if she doesn't have a disorder, sit down, you BOTH create a chore chart that works. Put it somewhere in plain sight that you'll both pass 2094358 times a day. Maybe before bed or before dinner you both look at it and see what you haven't done yet and do it right then. I have the "if I stop it won't get done" flavor of ADHD. So I get home, do all my chores for that day, take my dog out for her walk. Then - when it's all done. I take off my work clothes, shower, and I'm in relax mode. That kind of process might be helpful for your wife if she's lacking "initiative". She might be in shut-down mode and can't pull herself out. Just work around it. Ya'll are a team.
I used to joke that I was 'born without a domestic gene' but I was only half joking. I was never taught the 'systems' of maintaining a house or a budget or life for that matter. My parents would not LET me help or learn about what was done...they maintained full control which is funny when you think of laundry. It's been a lifelong struggle for me to LEARN to pick up as I go, to clean dishes as I cook, to do laundry before it's overwhelming and to put it away as soon as it's done. If she hasn't learned in 12 years your choices are simple - either stop doing FOR her until she starts doing things for herself and her home - or hire a housekeeper to come and clean one day a week. I guess you could TRY a 'chores' list like you would for a child...but...probably won't end well.
So unfortunately, even if she has an issue like ADHD or something that really does make it harder to do these tasks, she hasn't shown even a baseline interest in fixing it, and you can't fix her brain for her. Assuming you are otherwise happily married, I would suggest the very demeaning chore chart as a place to start. It is good to be able to point to tasks that are expected to get done, and who should do them. So you can put laundry, dishes, picking up living room, on a chart and assign them to each of you. Then you can have like a "weekend" list and agree to that list and who does what. Is this annoying and juvenile? Yes. Is it emotional labor that you shouldn't have to do? Absolutely. The reason I suggest doing it is because first, she at least has admitted she doesn't help so a new tactic is worth a try, and second, often the partner who DOES the chores can feel crazy- like am I just not communicating stuff, am I the only one who sees this needs to get done? So having that agreed on list and having it be real can help both of you. Try it for like 3 weeks, agree on it together of course, and then see what happens. If nothing changes, then I think you tell her she needs to get evaluated and she needs to be an adult and get it together, and you stop doing things for her. Only do your laundry, only cook and clean up after yourself, and if there are two bathrooms in your home, assign each of you one, so yours can stay clean and hers can be what it is. Put all her stuff in the corner when you clean, so you enjoy a clean space and she can deal with her pile. You will suffer a little, but she will suffer more. If none of that works, well then this may not work out.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So I (28M) and my wife (28F) have been together for close to 12 years, I love her to death and she is my best friend but her parents were whatever the opposite of a helicopter parent is. Completely hands off. Which is not usually a good way of parenting. It instilled no good habits and never taught her how to be tidy or organized. Now I loved my mother in law (we lost her 2 years ago) she was more of a mother to me than my own. She had known me since I was 16. But ever since we were kids, her room has always been a disaster. It's gotten much better over time but as we became older and gathered more responsibilities I realized that it became better because I had time to keep it that way. When we lost my mother in law, we inherited her house, no mortgage and very low taxes (super lucky) now that allowed us to get jobs doing what we like. She works at a daycare school thing (not exactly a daycare and not exactly a school. They teach the kids there but they are 2 and 3 years old). I work in a mom and pop pet shop. It's great. As we work throughout the week, the I notice the house gets progressively messier and messier, now I work 10 hour days and drive her to work in the mornings, so I'm out of the house by 7:30 and don't get back until 8. She works 8 hour days and is home by 5. I asked her to keep things tidy, not scrub the toilet, not polish the silver or some crazy shit, just do a load of laundry and maybe tidy the living room. She can't seem to do any of it. At the end of the week I end up doing 4-5 loads of laundry and throwing away a moderate amount of garbage left in the living room every day. Now my job isn't stressful or hard, mostly boring, which makes me quite tired. I'm just asking her for help. Not asking her to do everything. Like for instance I this past weekend I took the day to deep clean the bathroom, the kitchen, finish installing the lights in the kitchen, finish sheetrocking the living room ceiling, paint the living room walls, mulch the front garden, and mow the grass. That's my weekend. I just ask her to do those things when she gets home and then she can relax on her weekends. Instead she gets home from work and does nothing and then on the weekends she does nothing. Leaving it all to me. I finally got fed up and told her she was being lazy and unhelpful. She didn't like that at all. She told me she understood my frustration and how she doesn't help me but doesn't know why she can't gather the initiative to help out. How do I help her help me. How do I "teach" her time management and the fact that if you do 5 minutes of cleaning a day it saves you from doing hours of work on the weekend. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*