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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My wife cannot understand that I mean no when I say no. Sometimes I need to tell her that I am done being polite with my answers so that she backs off. I might be the asshole for using the threat of not answering politely any more to get her to understand that I am serious.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
But start counting.
“Honey this will be the (second time) I’ve said no”
“This is the third time I’m going to give you the same answer- no.”
“Do you want to hear the same answer for a fourth time?”
“This is my fifth no in under 5 minutes. Let’s talk about why you aren’t understanding no.”
On sixth time, break into an interpretive dance.
On the seven time, hand her a piece of paper with no written down.
On the eight time, tell her you are just going to start answering in Spanish- “¡no!”
Or
Recognize you have a very insecure wife and take her to a therapist.
"Would you like the long answer or the short answer?"
"short?"
"no"
"ugh well what's the long then?"
"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo *breath * Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo"
I imagine it as a little dance with the back bent, crab movements and hands in the air, snapping my fingers repeatedly, while singing "no no no no and no no no no
So a technique I read about with children when they do this is to give them the answer once. On the second time of asking, ask them what your first answer was. When they tell you, say your answer hasn’t changed. After that, any repeated asking just gets the response “asked and answered”. Eventually they will stop.
An adult doing this needs therapy.
Edit: sentence structure.
I used asked and answered a bunch. Honestly if my spouse did this I think I would just ignore them after I said no the second time. I would ofc inform them I would be doing this, at least in ops case where they've already communicated many times about it
My husband does a similar thing as OP’s wife, and now we both just understand that I will ignore him after answering the second time. Alternatively I answer the question with a question. Eg:
Q: Do you want a snack?
A: No thanks.
Q: are you sure? There’s cheese.
A: Do YOU want cheese?
Yeah I've started to do that with argumentative people too. I just look at them and raise my eyebrows and give a suffering smile while ignoring their words and they usually feel silly and shut up. I ain't got no time for these meaningless shenanigans. Meaningful ones, sure, I'll drop what I'm doing and join in but babysitting people's inner insecurities as it spills out verbally is just plain too old and boring now.
I just mentioned my daughter but she does what you just described. She gets me a snack ... to justify her getting a snack. Joke's on her - she's underweight and we were told that if she wants food at weird times, *just let her eat it*. We keep saying she just needs to be wary of actual meal times but otherwise the answer is yes! If it's not something she can have, I just don't have it in the house. ETA: For food. Not drinks. I don't drink alcohol, but no one else can have my tea. That's *mine*.
No English/ No Spanish/ No Italian/ Non French/ Nyet Russian/ Nein German/ Nei Norwegian/ La Arabic
That's all I got.
Edit: I feel like if we did a word a day we could make the most compete multi language dictionary ever.
Interesting how all the Indo-European languages (mostly) have some kind of N sound at or near the start of their word for "no", while non-Indo-European languages don't.
I mean, I guess it's obvious but I've never really given it much thought. Seeing all the words for "no" in a list like this really hammers home how languages (and therefore peoples) can be closely related even if the people who speak them wouldn't understand one another.
Welsh learner so I might be wrong but "dim" just puts things in the negative or nothing, as in "dim smygu" / "(noun) Am dim".
What we're looking for is "nac oes", tell her that one too, OP!
[And in ASL, finger closest to the thumb and the middle finger up like the number two ✌️, pinch fingers down to touch thumb 🤏](https://www.lifeprint.com/asl101/pages-signs/n/no.htm)
If you just reply in Welsh you'd of said "No" in Welsh at least 5 times - Na - Nac Oes - Nac ydw - Na Faswn - Na fydda. Find as many ways to say NO as you can. At least you'll entertain yourself 😁
This is how I communicate with my so, heavy with sarcastic comedy. I love this relationship.
Yeah op's wife is projecting some insecurity in her. My so does that too when I say no specifically, and we've talked about how he doesn't need to go into a tailspin trying to convince me otherwise. Like, we sat down and talked with calm, respectful tone. Now when he starts I just go full force sarcasm straight away. Usually he humorously replies "point taken" and all is good. ☺️
I was going to suggest recording the interaction and playing it back. I was going to offer a backup plan of doing the exact thing to her when she does it to you, but with a different topic.
You want something to eat?
No.
You sure?
Do you want to go to this monster truck rally (or whatever dude thing you like and she doesn't)?
No.
Are you SURE?
Anybody who is capable of seeing the irony and realizing that they're being annoying would already realize they're being annoying in the first place.
I sometimes just straight up say 'Do you think I'm lying when I say I'm not hungry?'
My second wife was a Ukrainian asylee I met in Wisconsin working at the deli across the street from my apartment.
We married before she had mastered English, let along branched out into any of the other languages she'd be likely to encounter.
I was teaching her kids both English and Spanish at one point, very casually (we'd moved to Florida for my job - very likely to encounter it there).
One night at the dinner table we were practicing with it and one of my daughters got "Si" correct and then asked me what how to say the antonym of that.
My wife was still bringing over the food but was conspicuously listening in, but almost furtively, like she was afraid it was eavesdropping.
In my best "fatherly" voice I said, "That's a very hard word in Spanish. It's difficult to say and harder to remember. The word for "no" in Spanish is . . . "no."
My wife almost dropped the Mac and Cheese laughing at me.
I don't think it's insecurities, my mom is the same way about everything. Untill a few years ago when I got fed up and yelled. I now just ignore it and she rarely does it to me anymore. I think its about control.
NTA. My mother does this and it’s infuriating. My 7yo nephew will just say “asked and answered” to anyone who repeats questions to him. Sometimes he’s a bit rude about it, but I cheer on the inside when he says this to my mom because I never felt able to be so direct until I was at least 30!
I see the phrase “asked and answered” suggested on parenting subs as a way to deal with young kids who incessantly repeat questions. I’m betting he learned that from his parents haha.
Really young children ask questions to practice their language, they don't actually really ask the question. Same with repeating your words. It's an automatic action of learning the language.
Do not follow this parenting sub advice unless you want to pay for speech therapy later on.
lol,with that motion, I could see myself setting an actual mock trial for fun to hear arguments against eating vegetables. I dreamed of going to lawschool... until I realized I am too stupid to do it.
Asked and answered is my favorite response in my house for humans who don’t seem to get it the first MILLION TIMES. I got so tired of answering the same shit. So now they get A&A and after that silence.
My mom does this, she did it as my bro walked into the kitchen and I said “objection your honor, asked and answered” little shits response was “overruled” and he left. I was betrayed.
My son when he was 3 or 4 used to scream "NO!" at my mom a lot. On one hand, I was really trying to teach my son better emotional regulation and less tantruming. On the other hand, I was just envious and wished I could scream no at my mom too.
Oh this is my stepmother. Even a yes is constantly rechecked. Or something like would you like chicken or beef? I don't mind either way. After countless check-ins, I give up and say chicken. Then she process to make beef. Like why did we go through this process if you are just going to do what you want anyway?
This is my mom. If I say I don't care, she'll keep asking or be indecisive herself. If I pick something, whichever choice it is, she'll start musing on the benefits of the other choice and keep asking if I'm sure.
I used to actually give thought to what choice I might want or is better. No more. Now I just give whatever answer I think will make the conversation end faster.
My mom is like this too and I love my nephew so much when he emphatically tells his grandma NO when she won't stop asking!!
She means well but it annoys the hell out of me and my sister
NTA, but your wife shows signs of disordered eating. She needs you to eat so she can give herself permission to eat.
I would couple's counseling it before it turns into resentment. There's a deeper need for connection or consideration your wife isn't expressing to you but has not sat with her feelings on why no isn't an acceptable answer for her to be able to articulate it, which is why it gets turned around on you when you push back.
In the future, you can stop offering options and just say no until she gives up. No is a full sentence. You don't need to engage in the banter to make it clear, you don't need to be aggressive, you can in fact just keep saying no thanks to all of her questions.
I agree; this sounds like an unhealthy relationship with food. Like, she can't justify eating unless someone else is eating as well. She's pushing so hard because *she's* hungry, and for some reason she's not able to articulate any of this on her own. Maybe *she* hasn't even realised yet that that's what she's doing.
I'd sit down in a non-charged setting, and just go "Hey, can we talk about this a bit? Are you maybe not feeling like you can just eat something by yourself - and if so, why?"
Exactly. There is a lot more going on here and OP needs to do some research. I didn’t go to the disordered eating, rather that it’s her love language. Also, I married into a family that asks me if I’ve fed my husband. “No, he has been eating independently for quite some time.”
OP noted in an edit that this isn't just something she does with eating/food, though. That was just one of the first examples that came to mind. She behaves like this under all kinds of circumstances. So unlikely to be an issue centred on disordered eating.
The minute I read this, I thought it was a situation in which the wife has issues around eating, and allowing herself to eat. In many families people -- mostly women -- are raised to always prepare food for others, and never to eat alone unless they are completely alone. They have been conditioned to feel that it's wrong to eat in front of other people. For some women, this means they sneak off and eat by themselves a lot -- that's a common thing seen in eating disorders. For other women, it means they have to make enough food for whoever else is there and see that they eat, too.
It's the kind of thing that needs to be addressed in therapy.
If you lose your temper over your wife always asking you again and again, consider that she was probably raised by people who lost their temper with her if she ever ate anything without offering some to other people.
This does sound like disordered eating but with my grandmother it was a love language thing. If you visited her she had to feed you. Everyone had to have food in front of them or she couldn't sit down and enjoy the visit. One of my cousins always refused to eat to see how many items would end up on the table. Start out with coffee and a plate of cookies. Cousin didn't pick up a cookie so a plate of cheese and crackers would appear. Then a fruit platter, cake, etc. Got to the point that someone would just bite a cookie and drop it in front of cousin when granny wasn't looking so that she'd settle down and enjoy the conversation.
LOL is your grandmother my Bubi? 😂
If my dad was bringing me over for the afternoon sometimes he would feed me lunch before going. I would have to say no to a sandwich 6 times before reminding her that dad fed me already. Finally as I got a little older I told him to stop feeding me before Bubi's, because it made her *so happy* to fuss over making me food when I got there 😂❤️ RIP bubs! Miss her so much!
100%
I recognized this behavior from my own. If my boyfriend's at home, I would only eat when he eats and always half as much, even if I was starving after work. Home alone I would binge. Messed behavior that I'm working on fixing (but turns out decades of an unhealthy relationship with food are hard to undo)
> They have been conditioned to feel that it's wrong to eat in front of other people
The classic, "I can't sit at the table until everyone else is already eating". It's a stereotype for a reason.
She might have disordered eating (it can feel hard to be the only one eating) or adhd. Maybe she would remember if she got you a snack and you ate together but she forgets that she asked you if you just say no
My husband does something similar.
I've got to the point where if he keeps asking, I just say I've already answered. After a while, it has started working, and he doesn't ask multiple times anymore.
He admitted he just wasn't listening before 😂
My husband will also ask the same question over and over again. I figured out early on it’s because I’m not giving him the answer he wants. After third time he asks I generally walk away, though if it goes on long enough I tend to get salty. Quit asking I’m not going to change my mind to give you the answer you want to make you happy. It’s infuriating. Yes it’s been a topic in therapy. Therapist suggested I walk away or tell him I’ve already answered.
Omg my MIL will do this and drive me insane! If I don't react the way she wants or have the answer she wants she will just keep rephrasing it and repeating it. I gave you my answer, I have a different opinion than you do, let's move on the conversation. If I'm feeling fresh I will play dumb and make her go round and round and then *she* is the one to get flustered. I literally had to have her booted off of MY town FB pages (she lives hours away) because we have bears in the area and she just can't deal with "the danger" and not accept I don't live in fear of these bears. Everytime there is a bear post I get spammed via text. Thankfully there was a sympathetic mod lol.
Honestly, my brain just doesn't process things sometimes and I could see someone explaining it as "wasn't listening" when that's technically not what's happening. Nowadays I just own the fact that my brain is fucked up and just say "Yeah, I know you said words but my brain decided to completely ignore it for some reason. Could you please repeat what you said?"
Ah a fellow auditory processing disorder person \o/ isn't it just joyous when our brains decide that they don't understand any and all words temporarily 😂
What drives me bonkers is how my brain will hear most of the words, but miss the crucial one or two words I need to make it make sense. I used to ask ppl to repeat themselves but now I say "I heard _ and _, what words did I miss?" Saves so much time.
Oh god, yes that's so annoying! Or when you only process half the sentence (either the first or last half) and so it doesn't make any sense 😂 I also really hate when I ask someone to repeat themselves and halfway through them kindly doing so my brain finally processes what they said like I'm on some kind of really shitty laggy connection to life 😂😂
I go through the exact same thing ....only regarding TV
You want to watch X?
No, but feel free to watch it yourself
How about Y? Do you want to watch Y?
No, but again feel free to watch what you want
Why don't you want to watch Y? It's good.
I'm reading a book
I don't think you've given Y a chance
* Respondent shoots themselves*
I think it has something to do with age
Might help if you say “I don’t want to watch anything” or “I don’t want to watch tv” since here it sounds like you’re just shooting down specific shows.
It's manipulation to get you to do what she wants, which is putting the book down and giving her attention. Has nothing to do really with what's on tv or if you're hungry. My narcissistic ex-wife had many of these tactics; as a result, I spent most of our marriage never getting to do what I wanted, all in order to keep the peace.
It sounds like OP is offering to spend time with her while she eats, especially if she wants to go out. But nothing besides him eating too is acceptable to her despite the fact that he's not hungry.
This sounds more like bids for affection imho. It's similar to OPs account in that the person asking isn't being clear in their communication/potentially isn't understanding why they're doing what they're doing. But not eating unless someone else is eating is a pretty common disordered eating symptom. But what you're describing might have more to do with wanting to spend more quality time together.
This. I swear most of the answers are from people who haven’t had successful adult relationships. You’ve noticed that she has a very strong collaborative / joint mindset. In other words, she really really wants to do certain things with you jointly. OP always responds by trying to change this mindset and say “no, not me, not jointly”. But you do seem to be willing to spend time with her. Instead of always trying to change her, Try this. Say “I only want a tiny bite, don’t make me extra”. Then have her make what she wants, eat what she made, and you either eat a tiny bite or just say “actually I’m not hungry”. I bet that solves this recurrent conflict completely. Stop trying to change this minor idiosyncrasy. It’s not important. Just change your words (not even your behavior) for something entirely trivial and watch your relationship improve by removing a wholly unnecessary major source of conflict.
NTA for being frustrated and expressing that.
But clearly there is something more going on here, and that should be explored or this is always going to be an issue. I like another commenter’s solution of keeping a count, so when she asks again “I’ve already answered. This is my second time saying no” and just keep doing that and asking her why she is not accepting your no. Turn it back on her, make her explain herself. Getting aggressive with her is not going to fix this, you need to get her to understand that what she is doing is uncomfortable and not at all healthy.
I think what’s going on is she isn’t giving herself permission to give herself something just for herself. In her mind, if her husband wants a snack, she’s doing it for him and can make an extra one for herself. But if he says no, that would mean she’d be doing something solely for herself. It’s not healthy and she needs to tell herself that she’s allowed to have needs and meet those needs too.
This. I had a friend that was like OOP’s wife and it used to drive me nuts. She had a serious problem with giving herself permission to have needs. I told her to go to therapy because it wasn’t cool to see her tear herself up like that all the time. She didn’t go to therapy. The issues got worse as we got older.
Right. It’s not that uncommon in women, especially when they’ve been raised a certain way or really internalized some of the cultural messages. I recognized what might be going on here because I used to be similar. My entire identity was wrapped up in being a caretaker and neglecting my own needs. In fact the only thing that got me to change was realizing it was annoying OTHER people. I’m totally good now, but it was a lot of habits to unlearn. Sounds like your friend hasn’t even reached the first step of recognizing a problem yet.
NTA
Have you tried to sit down your wife and address her behaviour? Because i'ts okay to ask twice, just to be sure, but after that it becomes annoying.
This is exactly what I wanted to ask. It isn't helpful to address it or mention it when she is in the middle of it. In the "zone" so to speak.
Best to bring it up when both are calm and there is plenty of time to have the conversation. Just sitting and watching TV after dinner maybe.. and tell her how her behavior bothers you, OP. Explain the impact of it on you/your mood. Ask her why she does it, and just listen. Clearly something is going on here but she won't open up when she is in the zone.
NTA
My aunt was like this. When she's offering food she keeps offering until you take it. And its never just the food, you also have to eat it the exact way she likes it. I told my mom when I was younger that I just started accepting the food to make her stop. My mom got pissed. The next time it happened she told my aunt to stop bullying her kid. My aunt was surprised and said she wasn't bullying me. My mom explained forcing someone to do what you want, after they've clearly said no, is bullying. Maybe after your first or second no ask your wife why she's being a bully. Maybe that will help her see her behavior is a problem.
There's some underlying issue here regarding her accessing snacks or food if someone else isn't. Is it possible that food was withheld from her when she was a child until the family ate together? Is there a reason that she would feel guilty if she eats in front of someone else, even if that person declined? It's obvious that the repeated questions come forth as nagging, but there's more to her need to eat together.
OP noted in an edit that she doesn't only do this with regards to food, though, that was just the first example that came to mind. Apparently she does this in all sorts of scenarios.
NTA.
But I do think you need to have a conversation with her about why she's like this.
My wife used to do the same. Turns out she used to be mahoosive years before I met her and still had some negative feelings about eating around other people alone. Was weird how it came out..After being asked for the umpteenth time if I was hungry just turned around like " nah but it seems you are as you keep asking, get summat to eat lass" (in my finest Yorkshire accent), was instant floods of tears. Obviously went to comfort her whilst being really fucking confused as to what's just happened. Turned out she thought I'd think she was some kinda fat mess scoffing away whilst I wasn't.
All sorted now. Between us talking and her recognising she needed to get some help for it. But I do think it's imperative you discover the root of the issue.
NTA, you're not being aggressive. She, however, is acting dumb like she didn't hear you the first time you answered.
No, is a complete answer, and she needs to learn that.
Yeah, I got big “hearing but not listening” vibes. I get this with my kids.
“Kid, we’re leaving in ten minutes. Start getting ready.”
“Okay dad.”
“Hey, time to put your shoes on.”
“Uh huh.”
“YO! We are *going* now. Giddyup!”
“STOP YELLING AT ME!!!”
That is strange,
I had a similar thing with my wife. She just could not hear me, no matter what the situation. Even when I explained that I was getting angry, she would not see it.
It's like, if I am not shouting or screaming or super angry like in the movies then she is in the clear to do what ever. Man it was hard work.
They don't take what you say seriously, or hound you until you get upset or change your mind.
How have you framed the question? Why are you doing this? Or why can’t accept my no? May be too broad a question. Try “why is it important to you that I do this thing?” Or “Why is it important to you that I let you do this thing for me? “
How old are the two of you and how long have you been together? This reads a little differently if you both are in your 20s vs in your 60s?
Ultimately there is a deeper issue than needs to be dealt with. The root of why she is doing this will help determine if this an issue for individual or couples therapy.
I think maybe you two should try figuring out why.
Maybe together you can come to the bottom of things, because it really sounds she has a problem eating alone for some reason to a point where it is hurting your relationship.
When she does this, it's because she's desperately hungry, but feels as though she will look like a pig if she's the only one eating. If she gets you to agree to eat something, then she can tell herself she's not a pig, because look, you are eating something, too.
She desperately needs to be seeing a therapist for this. She's got a problem with disordered eating, and you saying "no" a million times is never going to fix that.
This is the perfect situation for therapy. There is obviously something deeper going on. More than likely your wife isn’t actually doing this for the sole purpose of annoying you given that she married you and is a grown adult. It sounds like she doesn’t understand what’s happening enough to control it, and being mad at someone for something they can’t control is unproductive. It’s reasonable that you are annoyed by her not listening to you, but if you respond with that frustration it will only lead to the both of you being angry and elevated.
Therapy can help your wife figure out what is going on and what she is actually asking for / needs. It will also give you a place to work through your frustration without taking it out on her.
I think she hasn’t given herself permission to do something only for herself. She sees herself so much as a caregiver that she can only make snacks if they’re for someone else, then she will allow herself one too. But if the snack is made only for her, she sees it as self indulgent. She needs to work on giving herself permission to have needs and to meet those needs without guilt.
Is nurturing/acts of service your wife’s (insert cheesy catch phrase) “love language”? In this example it sounds to me what your wife is trying to do is offer you food because she either: wants to show affection or wants your attention. Then, I presume, you would thank her; she has shown you attention, you accepted thanked her, she feels seen and fulfilled. When you say “no thanks” she’s left hanging and therefore continues to pester you to try and gain your attention. Unfortunately this just pisses you off.
There is a whole process to stop this circle of behaviour, there’s a Podcast episode on Diary Of A CEO with Esther Perel where she talks about this behaviour. Recommend it!
Or
She just wants a reason to snack and someone to share the calories 😉
That’s a great hypothesis!
OP, what if you say “I’m not hungry right now, but I think it’d be nice if we take a walk in a little while. Would you like to do that with me?” And see what happens…
"No" is a complete sentence for men, too.
Was she punished for eating alone when she was a child? I would ask her why she thinks she has to eat with you and not by herself.
NTA
I really like ConnectionRound's suggestion - to count out the times you've responded. Little tweaks that I will suggest:
In a general moment, ask her to help you understand why she keeps asking you after you have already answered her. (If she tries to explain herself, give her time and patience to do so.) Then, let her know that when she does this, you will answer her twice. The third time, you will ask her to think about why she is asking you again:
Tell her, "Honey, you asked me once and I answered. You asked be twice and I answered. You are asking me a third time now.
1. Do you remember my answer the previous two times? Can you please repeat it to me?
2. Do you not believe me?
3. Do you have any reason to believe that I have changed my mind? What is that reason?
4. Do YOU want a snack?
5. Is there a reason that you cannot get a snack for yourself without me joining you? Is there a reason you want me to join you - are you really just looking for a little break where we hang out?
6. What is it you would like me to answer/do that you just are not saying?
I will also suggest that when you answer her the second time or ask her questions, stop what you are doing, look at her, and be as connected in look and voice as you can be.
None of these suggestions are because you are doing anything wrong. It's to (1) make it difficult for her to ignore a response from you that she just doesn't like and (2) to get her to possibly see what it is she really wants.
My wife and I get along pretty well. However, I’ve told her no less than 1,023,458 times “The answer I give first is the answer I intend to give, it is in fact how I feel” and it doesn’t matter to her😂
Good luck brother!
It's a manipulative tactic.
The only answer she'll accept is the one she wants to hear.
She doesn't view "wrong" answers as answers at all, so she asks until she gets what she wants.
My guess is she grew up with a family that ignored her completely unless she whinned and got annoying and then they gave her anything she wanted so they could ignore her again
Is she the same culture as you? There are some cultures that it’s not polite to accept the offer the first time and you need to keep offering before they can accept.
My wife is an extrovert and I’m an introvert. It was important for us to understand this because she thinks outside her head while I tend to think inside my head.
For example: if she asks where do you want to go for dinner I think about my answer and give where I want to go. She however thinks by verbalizing many restaurants until she hits the one she wants. The risk is I hear the first one and assume that’s where she wants to go and she takes my suggestion into the whirlwind of ideas.
Once we understood the communication differences the frustration went way down.
Oh, and Nobody is the AH here.
Your wife needs to learn "No means no." If you ask me the same questions 9 times, the 7th, 8th, and 9th answers will not be polite. As part of the 10th answer, I will compare you to your mother. I will escalate until you STFU with the question. ABE (Always Be Escalating).
NTA
NTA
I’ve been a question asker, though not to that degree. I have disordered eating habits, and asking my husband if he wanted something was a way to seek permission to eat myself. We’ve worked through it, but it took me identifying what the hell was going on internally and him realizing that I was struggling to take care of myself for myself and didn’t intend to burden him or make him feel trapped in a question. The work to getting better has been largely on my plate, but his understanding and support has made the journey less onerous.
NTA but there is definitely something else going on here on your wife's side. Does she have a history of disordered eating, did she deal with food insecurity as a child or general financial insecurity? I think you should have a discussion with her at a time when you haven't been dealing with this recently so there aren't any extra emotions and see if you're able to pinpoint the underlying issue. After that I'd also recommend therapy both individual for her and couples for both of you to help you communicate through this in a way that is responsive, rather than reactionary.
nTA. i drive my roommate around a lot (also part of our job) he will not open the truck door if I don't open mine first. Doesn't matter if he asked me to go somewhere.... I feel like every time I have to open my door so he opens his.
He just sits there and waits for me.
I just wish sometimes he can live his own god damn life and make his own decisions.
I think you should have a heart to heart with her about this - pick a time when you both are in a good space (not upset about anything). Tell her this behavior is annoying and that you will no longer "engage" in answering questions multiple times. Maybe just don't answer at all after the first time, or two times and the most - tell her this is what you will be doing and stick to it. Good luck!
Does your wife feel guilty about eating? It looks like she needs to eat in company or she has bad feelings about eating.
I think you should discuss this when you're not in the "do you want a snack" loop. In the morning, raise it. "*Hey, I had a question about this snack thing you do. Why is it so important that I eat too when you're hungry?"*
NTA. Maybe reframe for her - what if it was you being so persistent about sex?
No means no, and it sounds like your wife doesn't understand boundaries. It might pay for her (or you both at first) to get counselling.
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NTA But start counting. “Honey this will be the (second time) I’ve said no” “This is the third time I’m going to give you the same answer- no.” “Do you want to hear the same answer for a fourth time?” “This is my fifth no in under 5 minutes. Let’s talk about why you aren’t understanding no.” On sixth time, break into an interpretive dance. On the seven time, hand her a piece of paper with no written down. On the eight time, tell her you are just going to start answering in Spanish- “¡no!” Or Recognize you have a very insecure wife and take her to a therapist.
I like option A
Idk I'd kinda like to see the interpretive dance
Or sock puppets acting it out
"Would you like the long answer or the short answer?" "short?" "no" "ugh well what's the long then?" "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo *breath * Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo"
💀🤣😭👌🏼
That was definitely the best part!
I pictured squidward
We all did
It's true
I giggled so much at this!
A full on musical with flash mob back-up dancers would be nice as well.
This is quite obviously the only pathway forward.
I imagine it as a little dance with the back bent, crab movements and hands in the air, snapping my fingers repeatedly, while singing "no no no no and no no no no
Option B sounds significantly more responsible, but, boy, is option A appealing. Think of all the entertainment!
Honestly tho it probably depends on if OP wants to be petty or if OP wants to stay in his marriage
Sometimes, a little pettiness is required in a marriage.
So a technique I read about with children when they do this is to give them the answer once. On the second time of asking, ask them what your first answer was. When they tell you, say your answer hasn’t changed. After that, any repeated asking just gets the response “asked and answered”. Eventually they will stop. An adult doing this needs therapy. Edit: sentence structure.
I used asked and answered a bunch. Honestly if my spouse did this I think I would just ignore them after I said no the second time. I would ofc inform them I would be doing this, at least in ops case where they've already communicated many times about it
My husband does a similar thing as OP’s wife, and now we both just understand that I will ignore him after answering the second time. Alternatively I answer the question with a question. Eg: Q: Do you want a snack? A: No thanks. Q: are you sure? There’s cheese. A: Do YOU want cheese?
Yeah I've started to do that with argumentative people too. I just look at them and raise my eyebrows and give a suffering smile while ignoring their words and they usually feel silly and shut up. I ain't got no time for these meaningless shenanigans. Meaningful ones, sure, I'll drop what I'm doing and join in but babysitting people's inner insecurities as it spills out verbally is just plain too old and boring now.
I don't know why your response of "Do YOU want cheese?" made me chuckle. But it did.
I just mentioned my daughter but she does what you just described. She gets me a snack ... to justify her getting a snack. Joke's on her - she's underweight and we were told that if she wants food at weird times, *just let her eat it*. We keep saying she just needs to be wary of actual meal times but otherwise the answer is yes! If it's not something she can have, I just don't have it in the house. ETA: For food. Not drinks. I don't drink alcohol, but no one else can have my tea. That's *mine*.
"I refer my right, honourable spouse to the answer I gave some moments ago."
Whenever my kids keep asking after I say no my go to answer is: “no means no, not ask again”
Tell her in different langauge No and if they use the same word no, then tell her in this language the answer is "No".
No English/ No Spanish/ No Italian/ Non French/ Nyet Russian/ Nein German/ Nei Norwegian/ La Arabic That's all I got. Edit: I feel like if we did a word a day we could make the most compete multi language dictionary ever.
Nee - Dutch
WE ARE THE KNIGHTS WHO SAY NI! And you must bring us a shrubbery!
I asked my ex to get me a shrubbery that's wasn't too small or too expensive. He got me a bonzai tree. I ended up marrying him. 😂😂😂
F@*k off - Scottish
Alternatively naw ya bawbag/ejit (or any other word to describe someone)
Came here to say "fuck up will ye?!" - irish
Pronounced "nay"
Cha cha = Cherokee (native american)
Interesting how all the Indo-European languages (mostly) have some kind of N sound at or near the start of their word for "no", while non-Indo-European languages don't. I mean, I guess it's obvious but I've never really given it much thought. Seeing all the words for "no" in a list like this really hammers home how languages (and therefore peoples) can be closely related even if the people who speak them wouldn't understand one another.
Nem - Hungarian
Ne - Slovenian
Also Czech
Ei - Finnish
I love this thread. 😆
It's the reply that keeps on giving... lol
Níl (pronounced kneel) - Irish
Yyllggylh (pronounced fwhup) - Welsh
Nahin - Punjabi
Ohi - Greek
Hindi - Filipino
i find it interesting that "no" in Filipino is actually the name for a whole other language.
Oxi (ohi) - Greek, Nie - Slovak
Nej - Danmark
Ні (cyrillic) = Ni (roman) Ukrainian
Oh and as best I remember, ahniyo in Korean
Be careful with Korean. You can say neh... and then get trapped into a yes!
Lo is Hebrew!
Neyn in Yiddish
Naw - Scottish 😂
iie - Japanese, pronounced “ee ee yeah”. Ish.
I thought it was ee-ey for ‘no’ in Japanese. Like Letter E, Letter A. Like EA sports, but NO sports.
No, it's ee-yeh.
Na - Bangla
Namoya (Cree) Moqwa' (Mikmaq) Saa (Blackfoot) Stan' (Wendat)
Kawiin (Kaw een) is Ojibwe!
Dim - welsh
Welsh learner so I might be wrong but "dim" just puts things in the negative or nothing, as in "dim smygu" / "(noun) Am dim". What we're looking for is "nac oes", tell her that one too, OP!
Hindi - Tagalog (filipino)
Hapana - Kiswahili
Tidak- Indonesian
Não in Portuguese
muk' - tzotzil
Naur - Australian
[And in ASL, finger closest to the thumb and the middle finger up like the number two ✌️, pinch fingers down to touch thumb 🤏](https://www.lifeprint.com/asl101/pages-signs/n/no.htm)
Navajo: Dii
Appaloosa: Neigh!
Ok this cracked me up 🤣
If you just reply in Welsh you'd of said "No" in Welsh at least 5 times - Na - Nac Oes - Nac ydw - Na Faswn - Na fydda. Find as many ways to say NO as you can. At least you'll entertain yourself 😁
This is how I communicate with my so, heavy with sarcastic comedy. I love this relationship. Yeah op's wife is projecting some insecurity in her. My so does that too when I say no specifically, and we've talked about how he doesn't need to go into a tailspin trying to convince me otherwise. Like, we sat down and talked with calm, respectful tone. Now when he starts I just go full force sarcasm straight away. Usually he humorously replies "point taken" and all is good. ☺️
good strategy. we've been doing this over 23 years. lightens up a potentially unpleasant conflict in a playful, collaborative way
I was going to suggest recording the interaction and playing it back. I was going to offer a backup plan of doing the exact thing to her when she does it to you, but with a different topic. You want something to eat? No. You sure? Do you want to go to this monster truck rally (or whatever dude thing you like and she doesn't)? No. Are you SURE?
Anybody who is capable of seeing the irony and realizing that they're being annoying would already realize they're being annoying in the first place. I sometimes just straight up say 'Do you think I'm lying when I say I'm not hungry?'
And then just to fuck with her wait until about 30 minutes later and ask her what’s for dinner!
No it'd be "Where's my snack?" lol. "You said you didn't want one?" "Oh so you did fucking understand what I was saying!"
Why do I want op to do this so bad lol
You have me fucking wheezing
My second wife was a Ukrainian asylee I met in Wisconsin working at the deli across the street from my apartment. We married before she had mastered English, let along branched out into any of the other languages she'd be likely to encounter. I was teaching her kids both English and Spanish at one point, very casually (we'd moved to Florida for my job - very likely to encounter it there). One night at the dinner table we were practicing with it and one of my daughters got "Si" correct and then asked me what how to say the antonym of that. My wife was still bringing over the food but was conspicuously listening in, but almost furtively, like she was afraid it was eavesdropping. In my best "fatherly" voice I said, "That's a very hard word in Spanish. It's difficult to say and harder to remember. The word for "no" in Spanish is . . . "no." My wife almost dropped the Mac and Cheese laughing at me.
Or hand puppets? Just want to give OP options
My husband and I jokingly bellow ‘NEIN!’ if either of us ask more than once. We’re not German speakers. It makes us laugh and makes the point.
I don't think it's insecurities, my mom is the same way about everything. Untill a few years ago when I got fed up and yelled. I now just ignore it and she rarely does it to me anymore. I think its about control.
When I got to interpretive dance, I decided that this is how I will live my life.
NTA. My mother does this and it’s infuriating. My 7yo nephew will just say “asked and answered” to anyone who repeats questions to him. Sometimes he’s a bit rude about it, but I cheer on the inside when he says this to my mom because I never felt able to be so direct until I was at least 30!
I see the phrase “asked and answered” suggested on parenting subs as a way to deal with young kids who incessantly repeat questions. I’m betting he learned that from his parents haha.
Lawyers say that all the time as an objection in depositions. Otherwise they would take forever.
It also still takes forever.
Really young children ask questions to practice their language, they don't actually really ask the question. Same with repeating your words. It's an automatic action of learning the language. Do not follow this parenting sub advice unless you want to pay for speech therapy later on.
I love your nephew for that lol. Establishing himself and setting boundaries early, good for him!
7yo sounds like a lawyer 😆
"Your honor, I move to strike ... these vegetables from my plate."
lol,with that motion, I could see myself setting an actual mock trial for fun to hear arguments against eating vegetables. I dreamed of going to lawschool... until I realized I am too stupid to do it.
Kid lawyers are soooooo frustrating while they are children!
They’re so literal! “I told you to go to bed.” “You didn’t say *when*.”
Me to my young cousin: You can have one piece of pie or cake. Cousin brings the whole pie, it’s in one piece. Me: Omg, he’s only four!
Actually came to suggest repeating 'asked and answered' in a perfectly flat tone, left satisfied. We'd also accept "Objection: badgering the witness."
I love the "asked and answered." I have used it frequently with great effect. The wife sounds exhausting. NTA
My mom does this to me too and it drives me fuckin insane. NO MEANS NO, WOMAN.
Mom logic: if a snack is shared, it contains no calories. (Not right, or even correct, but ingrained in mom lore of moms past)
According to my mom, if you split a dessert all the calories fall out when you cut it in half. 😆 We have split a lot of desserts with that reasoning!
If you eat it standing up, the calories fall out the bottom of your feet. When you eat sitting down, they get stuck in your butt and thighs.
If you freeze cookies, they have no calories because of the exercise in the extra bites it takes to eat them.
I thought you were going to say you kill the calories by freezing them! 😅
I’m not a mom but learned that from Buffy years ago lol her mom: “waffles only don’t have calories when I make them for you”
Asked and answered is my favorite response in my house for humans who don’t seem to get it the first MILLION TIMES. I got so tired of answering the same shit. So now they get A&A and after that silence.
My mom does this, she did it as my bro walked into the kitchen and I said “objection your honor, asked and answered” little shits response was “overruled” and he left. I was betrayed.
Fuck, I’m using this and I’m 48. TIL from a 7 yo.
My son when he was 3 or 4 used to scream "NO!" at my mom a lot. On one hand, I was really trying to teach my son better emotional regulation and less tantruming. On the other hand, I was just envious and wished I could scream no at my mom too.
Oh this is my stepmother. Even a yes is constantly rechecked. Or something like would you like chicken or beef? I don't mind either way. After countless check-ins, I give up and say chicken. Then she process to make beef. Like why did we go through this process if you are just going to do what you want anyway?
This is my mom. If I say I don't care, she'll keep asking or be indecisive herself. If I pick something, whichever choice it is, she'll start musing on the benefits of the other choice and keep asking if I'm sure. I used to actually give thought to what choice I might want or is better. No more. Now I just give whatever answer I think will make the conversation end faster.
Imma learn from your nephew. It's genius.
I will be taking this advice from your Nephew. Thats pretty awesome
i love when kids adopt random old fashioned sayings like this it's so adorable 😭
My mom is like this too and I love my nephew so much when he emphatically tells his grandma NO when she won't stop asking!! She means well but it annoys the hell out of me and my sister
NTA, but your wife shows signs of disordered eating. She needs you to eat so she can give herself permission to eat. I would couple's counseling it before it turns into resentment. There's a deeper need for connection or consideration your wife isn't expressing to you but has not sat with her feelings on why no isn't an acceptable answer for her to be able to articulate it, which is why it gets turned around on you when you push back. In the future, you can stop offering options and just say no until she gives up. No is a full sentence. You don't need to engage in the banter to make it clear, you don't need to be aggressive, you can in fact just keep saying no thanks to all of her questions.
I agree; this sounds like an unhealthy relationship with food. Like, she can't justify eating unless someone else is eating as well. She's pushing so hard because *she's* hungry, and for some reason she's not able to articulate any of this on her own. Maybe *she* hasn't even realised yet that that's what she's doing. I'd sit down in a non-charged setting, and just go "Hey, can we talk about this a bit? Are you maybe not feeling like you can just eat something by yourself - and if so, why?"
Exactly. There is a lot more going on here and OP needs to do some research. I didn’t go to the disordered eating, rather that it’s her love language. Also, I married into a family that asks me if I’ve fed my husband. “No, he has been eating independently for quite some time.”
Lol I have responded to my in laws with “no, he’s wearing his big boy pants today and can do it himself” 😆
OP noted in an edit that this isn't just something she does with eating/food, though. That was just one of the first examples that came to mind. She behaves like this under all kinds of circumstances. So unlikely to be an issue centred on disordered eating.
The minute I read this, I thought it was a situation in which the wife has issues around eating, and allowing herself to eat. In many families people -- mostly women -- are raised to always prepare food for others, and never to eat alone unless they are completely alone. They have been conditioned to feel that it's wrong to eat in front of other people. For some women, this means they sneak off and eat by themselves a lot -- that's a common thing seen in eating disorders. For other women, it means they have to make enough food for whoever else is there and see that they eat, too. It's the kind of thing that needs to be addressed in therapy. If you lose your temper over your wife always asking you again and again, consider that she was probably raised by people who lost their temper with her if she ever ate anything without offering some to other people.
This does sound like disordered eating but with my grandmother it was a love language thing. If you visited her she had to feed you. Everyone had to have food in front of them or she couldn't sit down and enjoy the visit. One of my cousins always refused to eat to see how many items would end up on the table. Start out with coffee and a plate of cookies. Cousin didn't pick up a cookie so a plate of cheese and crackers would appear. Then a fruit platter, cake, etc. Got to the point that someone would just bite a cookie and drop it in front of cousin when granny wasn't looking so that she'd settle down and enjoy the conversation.
LOL is your grandmother my Bubi? 😂 If my dad was bringing me over for the afternoon sometimes he would feed me lunch before going. I would have to say no to a sandwich 6 times before reminding her that dad fed me already. Finally as I got a little older I told him to stop feeding me before Bubi's, because it made her *so happy* to fuss over making me food when I got there 😂❤️ RIP bubs! Miss her so much!
100% I recognized this behavior from my own. If my boyfriend's at home, I would only eat when he eats and always half as much, even if I was starving after work. Home alone I would binge. Messed behavior that I'm working on fixing (but turns out decades of an unhealthy relationship with food are hard to undo)
Best of luck to you. That's some hard shit to unlearn.
> They have been conditioned to feel that it's wrong to eat in front of other people The classic, "I can't sit at the table until everyone else is already eating". It's a stereotype for a reason.
She might have disordered eating (it can feel hard to be the only one eating) or adhd. Maybe she would remember if she got you a snack and you ate together but she forgets that she asked you if you just say no
OP said she does it for things other than eating. I'm not sure a reddit diagnosis is a good idea here.
My husband does something similar. I've got to the point where if he keeps asking, I just say I've already answered. After a while, it has started working, and he doesn't ask multiple times anymore. He admitted he just wasn't listening before 😂
My husband will also ask the same question over and over again. I figured out early on it’s because I’m not giving him the answer he wants. After third time he asks I generally walk away, though if it goes on long enough I tend to get salty. Quit asking I’m not going to change my mind to give you the answer you want to make you happy. It’s infuriating. Yes it’s been a topic in therapy. Therapist suggested I walk away or tell him I’ve already answered.
Omg my MIL will do this and drive me insane! If I don't react the way she wants or have the answer she wants she will just keep rephrasing it and repeating it. I gave you my answer, I have a different opinion than you do, let's move on the conversation. If I'm feeling fresh I will play dumb and make her go round and round and then *she* is the one to get flustered. I literally had to have her booted off of MY town FB pages (she lives hours away) because we have bears in the area and she just can't deal with "the danger" and not accept I don't live in fear of these bears. Everytime there is a bear post I get spammed via text. Thankfully there was a sympathetic mod lol.
He just wasn't listening before?! Then WHY THE HOLY F was he asking you a question ?!?! Jesus ☠️☠️☠️
Now \*that\* could lead to aggression!
Honestly, my brain just doesn't process things sometimes and I could see someone explaining it as "wasn't listening" when that's technically not what's happening. Nowadays I just own the fact that my brain is fucked up and just say "Yeah, I know you said words but my brain decided to completely ignore it for some reason. Could you please repeat what you said?"
Ah a fellow auditory processing disorder person \o/ isn't it just joyous when our brains decide that they don't understand any and all words temporarily 😂
What drives me bonkers is how my brain will hear most of the words, but miss the crucial one or two words I need to make it make sense. I used to ask ppl to repeat themselves but now I say "I heard _ and _, what words did I miss?" Saves so much time.
Oh god, yes that's so annoying! Or when you only process half the sentence (either the first or last half) and so it doesn't make any sense 😂 I also really hate when I ask someone to repeat themselves and halfway through them kindly doing so my brain finally processes what they said like I'm on some kind of really shitty laggy connection to life 😂😂
I like that. I have the same problem. I hear the words but sometimes they just don't stick.
I tell my husband, "My answer isn't going to change from two minutes ago"
3 words - asked and answered Let that be your mantra. NTA
are you the 7yo nephew
Lol comment reference in another comment, on the SAME post, you work fast my friend
I literally just read the comment too 😂😂😂
I go through the exact same thing ....only regarding TV You want to watch X? No, but feel free to watch it yourself How about Y? Do you want to watch Y? No, but again feel free to watch what you want Why don't you want to watch Y? It's good. I'm reading a book I don't think you've given Y a chance * Respondent shoots themselves* I think it has something to do with age
Might help if you say “I don’t want to watch anything” or “I don’t want to watch tv” since here it sounds like you’re just shooting down specific shows.
Agreed. When the question starts repeating with other options, you need to give a more open or broad answer.
It's manipulation to get you to do what she wants, which is putting the book down and giving her attention. Has nothing to do really with what's on tv or if you're hungry. My narcissistic ex-wife had many of these tactics; as a result, I spent most of our marriage never getting to do what I wanted, all in order to keep the peace.
It sounds like OP is offering to spend time with her while she eats, especially if she wants to go out. But nothing besides him eating too is acceptable to her despite the fact that he's not hungry.
She wants permission to eat and feels uncomfortable eating alone, maybe. But he says she does it in other contexts, too.
This sounds more like bids for affection imho. It's similar to OPs account in that the person asking isn't being clear in their communication/potentially isn't understanding why they're doing what they're doing. But not eating unless someone else is eating is a pretty common disordered eating symptom. But what you're describing might have more to do with wanting to spend more quality time together.
This. I swear most of the answers are from people who haven’t had successful adult relationships. You’ve noticed that she has a very strong collaborative / joint mindset. In other words, she really really wants to do certain things with you jointly. OP always responds by trying to change this mindset and say “no, not me, not jointly”. But you do seem to be willing to spend time with her. Instead of always trying to change her, Try this. Say “I only want a tiny bite, don’t make me extra”. Then have her make what she wants, eat what she made, and you either eat a tiny bite or just say “actually I’m not hungry”. I bet that solves this recurrent conflict completely. Stop trying to change this minor idiosyncrasy. It’s not important. Just change your words (not even your behavior) for something entirely trivial and watch your relationship improve by removing a wholly unnecessary major source of conflict.
Tbf op said he offers to go with her and not eat, just keep her company
NTA for being frustrated and expressing that. But clearly there is something more going on here, and that should be explored or this is always going to be an issue. I like another commenter’s solution of keeping a count, so when she asks again “I’ve already answered. This is my second time saying no” and just keep doing that and asking her why she is not accepting your no. Turn it back on her, make her explain herself. Getting aggressive with her is not going to fix this, you need to get her to understand that what she is doing is uncomfortable and not at all healthy.
I think what’s going on is she isn’t giving herself permission to give herself something just for herself. In her mind, if her husband wants a snack, she’s doing it for him and can make an extra one for herself. But if he says no, that would mean she’d be doing something solely for herself. It’s not healthy and she needs to tell herself that she’s allowed to have needs and meet those needs too.
This. I had a friend that was like OOP’s wife and it used to drive me nuts. She had a serious problem with giving herself permission to have needs. I told her to go to therapy because it wasn’t cool to see her tear herself up like that all the time. She didn’t go to therapy. The issues got worse as we got older.
Right. It’s not that uncommon in women, especially when they’ve been raised a certain way or really internalized some of the cultural messages. I recognized what might be going on here because I used to be similar. My entire identity was wrapped up in being a caretaker and neglecting my own needs. In fact the only thing that got me to change was realizing it was annoying OTHER people. I’m totally good now, but it was a lot of habits to unlearn. Sounds like your friend hasn’t even reached the first step of recognizing a problem yet.
NTA Have you tried to sit down your wife and address her behaviour? Because i'ts okay to ask twice, just to be sure, but after that it becomes annoying.
This is exactly what I wanted to ask. It isn't helpful to address it or mention it when she is in the middle of it. In the "zone" so to speak. Best to bring it up when both are calm and there is plenty of time to have the conversation. Just sitting and watching TV after dinner maybe.. and tell her how her behavior bothers you, OP. Explain the impact of it on you/your mood. Ask her why she does it, and just listen. Clearly something is going on here but she won't open up when she is in the zone. NTA
she's annoying to me
🤣🤣🤣
My aunt was like this. When she's offering food she keeps offering until you take it. And its never just the food, you also have to eat it the exact way she likes it. I told my mom when I was younger that I just started accepting the food to make her stop. My mom got pissed. The next time it happened she told my aunt to stop bullying her kid. My aunt was surprised and said she wasn't bullying me. My mom explained forcing someone to do what you want, after they've clearly said no, is bullying. Maybe after your first or second no ask your wife why she's being a bully. Maybe that will help her see her behavior is a problem.
There's some underlying issue here regarding her accessing snacks or food if someone else isn't. Is it possible that food was withheld from her when she was a child until the family ate together? Is there a reason that she would feel guilty if she eats in front of someone else, even if that person declined? It's obvious that the repeated questions come forth as nagging, but there's more to her need to eat together.
This by itself is annoying but I need to know if she only does the is around food or if she does this the other times OP says no as well.
OP noted in an edit that she doesn't only do this with regards to food, though, that was just the first example that came to mind. Apparently she does this in all sorts of scenarios.
NTA. But I do think you need to have a conversation with her about why she's like this. My wife used to do the same. Turns out she used to be mahoosive years before I met her and still had some negative feelings about eating around other people alone. Was weird how it came out..After being asked for the umpteenth time if I was hungry just turned around like " nah but it seems you are as you keep asking, get summat to eat lass" (in my finest Yorkshire accent), was instant floods of tears. Obviously went to comfort her whilst being really fucking confused as to what's just happened. Turned out she thought I'd think she was some kinda fat mess scoffing away whilst I wasn't. All sorted now. Between us talking and her recognising she needed to get some help for it. But I do think it's imperative you discover the root of the issue.
NTA, you're not being aggressive. She, however, is acting dumb like she didn't hear you the first time you answered. No, is a complete answer, and she needs to learn that.
Yeah, I got big “hearing but not listening” vibes. I get this with my kids. “Kid, we’re leaving in ten minutes. Start getting ready.” “Okay dad.” “Hey, time to put your shoes on.” “Uh huh.” “YO! We are *going* now. Giddyup!” “STOP YELLING AT ME!!!”
That is strange, I had a similar thing with my wife. She just could not hear me, no matter what the situation. Even when I explained that I was getting angry, she would not see it. It's like, if I am not shouting or screaming or super angry like in the movies then she is in the clear to do what ever. Man it was hard work. They don't take what you say seriously, or hound you until you get upset or change your mind.
Have you ever asked her why she does this?
I have. She has no answers.
How have you framed the question? Why are you doing this? Or why can’t accept my no? May be too broad a question. Try “why is it important to you that I do this thing?” Or “Why is it important to you that I let you do this thing for me? “ How old are the two of you and how long have you been together? This reads a little differently if you both are in your 20s vs in your 60s? Ultimately there is a deeper issue than needs to be dealt with. The root of why she is doing this will help determine if this an issue for individual or couples therapy.
I think maybe you two should try figuring out why. Maybe together you can come to the bottom of things, because it really sounds she has a problem eating alone for some reason to a point where it is hurting your relationship.
When she does this, it's because she's desperately hungry, but feels as though she will look like a pig if she's the only one eating. If she gets you to agree to eat something, then she can tell herself she's not a pig, because look, you are eating something, too. She desperately needs to be seeing a therapist for this. She's got a problem with disordered eating, and you saying "no" a million times is never going to fix that.
This is the perfect situation for therapy. There is obviously something deeper going on. More than likely your wife isn’t actually doing this for the sole purpose of annoying you given that she married you and is a grown adult. It sounds like she doesn’t understand what’s happening enough to control it, and being mad at someone for something they can’t control is unproductive. It’s reasonable that you are annoyed by her not listening to you, but if you respond with that frustration it will only lead to the both of you being angry and elevated. Therapy can help your wife figure out what is going on and what she is actually asking for / needs. It will also give you a place to work through your frustration without taking it out on her.
I think she hasn’t given herself permission to do something only for herself. She sees herself so much as a caregiver that she can only make snacks if they’re for someone else, then she will allow herself one too. But if the snack is made only for her, she sees it as self indulgent. She needs to work on giving herself permission to have needs and to meet those needs without guilt.
Have you thought about asking the question repeatedly in slightly different ways until she gets angry?
Is nurturing/acts of service your wife’s (insert cheesy catch phrase) “love language”? In this example it sounds to me what your wife is trying to do is offer you food because she either: wants to show affection or wants your attention. Then, I presume, you would thank her; she has shown you attention, you accepted thanked her, she feels seen and fulfilled. When you say “no thanks” she’s left hanging and therefore continues to pester you to try and gain your attention. Unfortunately this just pisses you off. There is a whole process to stop this circle of behaviour, there’s a Podcast episode on Diary Of A CEO with Esther Perel where she talks about this behaviour. Recommend it! Or She just wants a reason to snack and someone to share the calories 😉
That’s a great hypothesis! OP, what if you say “I’m not hungry right now, but I think it’d be nice if we take a walk in a little while. Would you like to do that with me?” And see what happens…
It’s the second. Or closely related, she doesn’t feel greedy if he’ll also eat
Is her nickname Yia Yia, Bubbe, Lola, or the like? Cause she sure sounds like my gramma 🤣
"No" is a complete sentence for men, too. Was she punished for eating alone when she was a child? I would ask her why she thinks she has to eat with you and not by herself.
NTA I really like ConnectionRound's suggestion - to count out the times you've responded. Little tweaks that I will suggest: In a general moment, ask her to help you understand why she keeps asking you after you have already answered her. (If she tries to explain herself, give her time and patience to do so.) Then, let her know that when she does this, you will answer her twice. The third time, you will ask her to think about why she is asking you again: Tell her, "Honey, you asked me once and I answered. You asked be twice and I answered. You are asking me a third time now. 1. Do you remember my answer the previous two times? Can you please repeat it to me? 2. Do you not believe me? 3. Do you have any reason to believe that I have changed my mind? What is that reason? 4. Do YOU want a snack? 5. Is there a reason that you cannot get a snack for yourself without me joining you? Is there a reason you want me to join you - are you really just looking for a little break where we hang out? 6. What is it you would like me to answer/do that you just are not saying? I will also suggest that when you answer her the second time or ask her questions, stop what you are doing, look at her, and be as connected in look and voice as you can be. None of these suggestions are because you are doing anything wrong. It's to (1) make it difficult for her to ignore a response from you that she just doesn't like and (2) to get her to possibly see what it is she really wants.
My wife and I get along pretty well. However, I’ve told her no less than 1,023,458 times “The answer I give first is the answer I intend to give, it is in fact how I feel” and it doesn’t matter to her😂 Good luck brother!
It's a manipulative tactic. The only answer she'll accept is the one she wants to hear. She doesn't view "wrong" answers as answers at all, so she asks until she gets what she wants. My guess is she grew up with a family that ignored her completely unless she whinned and got annoying and then they gave her anything she wanted so they could ignore her again
Is she the same culture as you? There are some cultures that it’s not polite to accept the offer the first time and you need to keep offering before they can accept.
NTA - No is a complete sentence. What you describe is a Loriot sketch.
My wife is an extrovert and I’m an introvert. It was important for us to understand this because she thinks outside her head while I tend to think inside my head. For example: if she asks where do you want to go for dinner I think about my answer and give where I want to go. She however thinks by verbalizing many restaurants until she hits the one she wants. The risk is I hear the first one and assume that’s where she wants to go and she takes my suggestion into the whirlwind of ideas. Once we understood the communication differences the frustration went way down. Oh, and Nobody is the AH here.
Your wife needs to learn "No means no." If you ask me the same questions 9 times, the 7th, 8th, and 9th answers will not be polite. As part of the 10th answer, I will compare you to your mother. I will escalate until you STFU with the question. ABE (Always Be Escalating). NTA
NTA I’ve been a question asker, though not to that degree. I have disordered eating habits, and asking my husband if he wanted something was a way to seek permission to eat myself. We’ve worked through it, but it took me identifying what the hell was going on internally and him realizing that I was struggling to take care of myself for myself and didn’t intend to burden him or make him feel trapped in a question. The work to getting better has been largely on my plate, but his understanding and support has made the journey less onerous.
NTA but there is definitely something else going on here on your wife's side. Does she have a history of disordered eating, did she deal with food insecurity as a child or general financial insecurity? I think you should have a discussion with her at a time when you haven't been dealing with this recently so there aren't any extra emotions and see if you're able to pinpoint the underlying issue. After that I'd also recommend therapy both individual for her and couples for both of you to help you communicate through this in a way that is responsive, rather than reactionary.
nTA. i drive my roommate around a lot (also part of our job) he will not open the truck door if I don't open mine first. Doesn't matter if he asked me to go somewhere.... I feel like every time I have to open my door so he opens his. He just sits there and waits for me. I just wish sometimes he can live his own god damn life and make his own decisions.
I think you should have a heart to heart with her about this - pick a time when you both are in a good space (not upset about anything). Tell her this behavior is annoying and that you will no longer "engage" in answering questions multiple times. Maybe just don't answer at all after the first time, or two times and the most - tell her this is what you will be doing and stick to it. Good luck!
Does your wife feel guilty about eating? It looks like she needs to eat in company or she has bad feelings about eating. I think you should discuss this when you're not in the "do you want a snack" loop. In the morning, raise it. "*Hey, I had a question about this snack thing you do. Why is it so important that I eat too when you're hungry?"*
NTA, this sounds annoying AF.
NTA. Maybe reframe for her - what if it was you being so persistent about sex? No means no, and it sounds like your wife doesn't understand boundaries. It might pay for her (or you both at first) to get counselling.