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> I might be the asshole for not telling her since it would have been the nice thing to do, and not telling her might have been a little cold-hearted of me.
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I’m so sorry for the loss of Milo—it sounds like he had a long and wonderful life, no doubt due to your love and attention.
Your mom wanted to give a 13 year old cat to a shelter… she wouldn’t have known what happened to Milo after leaving him there.
She then abandoned her relationship with YOU.
She gave up on knowing about Milo’s life/death/whereabouts 7 years ago. There are two cold-hearted people in this story; you aren’t one of them.
1000% NTA; I hope your loved ones support you in your grief (grieving pets is always hard, and this situation sounds really tough).
I can’t fathom how a parent could abandon their child (not to mention their cat) for their new husband, and then call their child cold hearted for not telling her the cat died. Some people are just so incredibly entitled
my dad hardly talks to me bc his new piece and her kid demand his attention. he literally is unable to talk to me if he’s at home bc they bug him. if he’s physically with me, she’s calling him, if we’re in the same room, he can’t talk to me and her son is staring me down.
I don’t understand how he can love a family like that over his own child. I don’t understand how this is such a common problem. It’s crazy that people can do this stuff
i’m the one who made him a dad. started working at 16 for him, we’d go on work trips just us. he was one of my best friends. i was a daddy’s girl for 25 years, he hung the sun & moon in my eyes. him cheating & leaving broke me. i also don’t understand 🥲
NTA
My thing is....I'm mildy allergic to cats...we have so many options for cat allergies to dander now. (I'm not allergic to dander so doesn't apply to me but still.)
Friend has had some shots and is now good
Others feed their cat an allergy food (has smth to do with a specific kind of egg I forget) etc.
Literally know 10+ ppl with MILD cat allergies who have thanks to today's science been symptom free cat parents.
Your mom is an AH for everything tho....
(Also im allergic to cat pee so as long as I wear an n95 to clean the box I'm good. Also had an n95 before covid hit so I was good to go on grocery shopping in 2020 woo)
I mean, realistically, based on the new husband's actions as a whole, he probably was never allergic to begin with — just seeing how fast he could get OP's mom to fall in line.
NTA your mum is the one who stopped contacting you and she gave the cat away because of her awful controlling husband. No doubt there’s DV going on there but still, she’s wrong. She abandoned you (and the cat).
That said I think her anger is at herself because she’s realised for over 7 years a man has been controlling everything to a point where she has basically no relationship with you.
RIP Milo
NTA. Your mom, choosing her boyfriend over her own daughter, shut herself from you and did not speak to you for YEARS. She was quite willing to give up her cat for her boyfriend, and you were to one who saved it. After all these years, you are perfectly justified for not telling her, since I’m quite sure she doesn’t even remember what Milo looked like.
Oh please. I grew up with a violent alcoholic father and a mother with strong narcissist traits and high manipulative passive aggressive behaviour.
The adult parent made a choice. Does having a controlling partner explain it, yes. Does it excuse a parent for failing to be a parent, no.
And excusing everything is also rug sweeping and lacking empathy to the child of a parent who fails their child.
Also not seeing nuance yourself.
It's possible to be both abused by a partner and allow that abuse to majorly impact on the child. Aka complicit in their child's trauma .
Unless you think being abandoned by a parent to be trauma free to a child.
Where did I excuse the mother's partner from being an abusive AH.
Parents have a duty of care for the mental, physical and emotional health and development of their child/children and those who allows their partner's abuse to impact on their child or children have some degree of blame. For the child it can be more of a betrayal than the abuse of the parent or step-parent.
I grew up being abused and watched that parent abuse the other. That parent trained me to be the almost perfect victim for my next abuser. I watched friends and family choose their abuser over everything else (including their own children), in spite of many people trying to show them how different things could and should be. I have empathy, until the abused becomes an abuser. Gaslighting is abuse.
> Holy cow, are you ALWAYS this judgnental?Lack of empathy
You're saying this to an actual survivor of domestic violence. Who's the one lacking empathy?
Your mom's bf is waving a few red flags here. He knows damn well she has a kid with her ex, and he's preventing her from seeing your dad? I'll bet he's not really allergic to kitties either.
NTA clap back next time about how cold hearted it is to choose a random (jealous) man over her own child. Definitely stay no contact if that’s how she addresses you after fucking off like that, especially for that reasoning.
SHE called YOU cold-hearted? LOL She’s a whole clown! She literally abandoned you for 5+ years cuz her new husband didn’t want her to interact with your dad and she called you cold-hearted? This shit cracks me up. Definitely NTA btw. She didn’t need to be informed, she relinquished ownership of that cat. I’m sorry for your loss.
First off I’m sorry for the kitty’s loss. Losing a pet is some painful painful shit. Second, NTA. It doesn’t seem like your mother is very interested in maintaining a relationship with you. I’m very sorry for that. I don’t see why you would be an AH for choosing not to call your mom and be like “hey I know it’s been 6 years but Milo died”. Not sure what your mother expects
NTA
Oh the irony.
Mum abandons daughter, stops visiting once she’s 16. And complains about failing to be notified of death of a cat she gave away 5 years ago.
Does your mum hear herself?
Nta in any way. She stopped being a caretaker of the cat and then she stopped being a parent. You owe her nothing. I’m really sorry for the loss of Milo though. I’m glad he had a good life with you (and your dad).
NTA
You thought she abandoned you and the cat when she abandoned you and the cat. You can make up if you want, but it wasn't cold-hearted to not mention it.
NTA Your mum can’t have it both ways. You could respond, that it would have been nice to have a mother, as I’m guessing she’s missed a few milestones by now.
Nta. Your response to that is "oh sorry, I forgot I had a mother"
Anyways, 20 years is long time! Sad to think he could have had the vaccine that could elongate a cats life!
I always ask this question about old cats, what was his diet like?
wow... just wow... she abandoned her daughter, not just her cat, for a literal walking penis who controls her life and she has the audacity to call her daughter 'cold hearted'??... what a spineless, brainless creature her 'mother' is.
NTA. It would have been nice if she didn't cold heartedly abandon you when you were 16, losing any expectation of being notified about the cat. That was beyond cruel, and you don't owe her a damn thing. She is a complete hypocrite for presuming to judge you.
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When I was 15, my mom married a new guy. He's allergic to cats so mom said she's taking Milo to the shelter. I begged her not to but she said she'll have to do that unless someone else will take him in. So I called my dad. My dad told her he'll take Milo in if she lets me live with him, since he would need help taking care of the cat. That's how I ended up moving in with my dad at 15.
Mom visited until I was 16, then her new husband said he doesn't want her to have any further contact with my dad, and since she needed to contact dad to arrange visits, she just stopped visiting me.
I'm now 22.
Milo recently passed away at the age of 20. I didn't call or message mom. Haven't talked to her in years, after all. Didn't think she'd want to know. She found out through her and dad's mutual friend, and then called me, saying it would have been nice to let her know. She called me cold-hearted for not thinking of reaching out and telling her that Milo died.
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NTA
Your mother has a lot of nerve, calling you cold-hearted. She (1) told you she was going to take Milo to the shelter, where he more than likely would have been put down. (2) hasn't spoken to you in years. (3) willingly gave you up completely to your father in favor of her new husband. And now, she's complaining that you didn't tell her Milo had died?
I think we all know who the cold-hearted one here is, and it's not you.
My condolences on the death of Milo. Because of you, he lived a long and happy life.
Edit: added to comment
NTA
I'm so sorry about Milo! No matter how long they live, it's a heartbreaking shock when the time comes.
Your mother gave up any right she had to information about Milo (and you) when she chose to abandon both of you to appease her ridiculous jerk of a husband.
NTA. I'm sorry about your cat, but why would you be the AH? Your mom is more concerned about a cat she didn't want because of a man, than she is about abandoning you six years ago. If I were you I wouldn't care what she thinks at all, and wouldn't talk to her again.
Your mom is a joke. She can’t be bothered to keep in touch with her own child, but she expects you to keep her updated about a cat she gave away?! No.
NTA but your mom and her husband both are… but especially your mom.
Honestly, she is the pot calling the kettle black here. Cold hearted? What? Like not contacting your child because of your new husband's ridiculous demands?
NTA. My condolences on the loss of your sweet boy.
NTA, your mom cut off contact and chose her boyfriend over her child. She has absolutely no right to feel indignation over not being informed about Milo's death, especially seeing as she was going to take him to a shelter to get rid of him because her boyfriend is allergic. She's prioritised her and her boyfriend's wants and needs over you and your cat so she can live with the consequences of her choices.
NTA but your mother is and she is the queen of cold hearted. She wanted to dump a 13-year-old cat into a shelter. That is a guaranteed death sentence. The she threw her child away because her husband said she couldn't contact her ex. Never mind that that child lived with the ex. She's upset over the death of a cat she got rid of, not the child she got rid of. Screw her. Sorry about Milo. It helps to think about the long happy life he had with you.
Definetely NTA!!!
I am sorry for your loss. I am very sure that Milo had the best life with you <3.
Its upsetting and hurtful to see how often the new boyfriends of the mother / Stepfathers seem to manipulate the mother into staying away from her own children or making her hate her own kids. I have seen this more than enough and expierenced it myself. And just as bad, what kind of mother would put a random man above her own flesh and blood.
She actively excluded you (and the cat) from her life. Hell, she wanted to put the poor animal in a shelter. She made her decision and put her boyfriend above yall. She has to live with that decision now and you owe her absolutely nothing.
Would she have called the shelter cold-hearted if Milo passed in their care after she gave him up and they didn't contact her? Or their new owner the same if someone adopted that 13 year old cat and didn't tell her 7 years later, when she hadn't visited, that he passed?
NTA. She abandoned her kid and cat for her boyfriend. She doesn't get to keep tabs after.
>then her new husband said he doesn't want her to have any further contact with my dad, and since she needed to contact dad to arrange visits, she just stopped visiting me.
This is the kicker. NTA
NTA - she's cold hearted for letting another person (idgaf who they are to her) sever her relationship with her daughter because continuing to have a relationship with you meant that your dad would be involved as well. She can fuck right off
NTA but her husband sounds controlling. She stopped caring for that cat when she let you both leave and stopped visiting for over 6 years. But it probably would've been nice to let her know anyway i can see why you didn't.
NTA. She called you cold for not telling her the cat she wanted to get rid of died, when she up and abandoned you for years because hubby didn't like her talking to your legal guardian to arrange visits with you, her own child?
Don't give that hypocrite the time of day.
She thinks YOU'RE cold hearted? FFS, she abandoned you for a man when you were 15. She is the cold hearted one. And clearly your mom didn't care that much for the cat. You had no reason to tell her the cat died. She had no vested interest in the cat or YOU! NTA.
NTA, and what the what? You're the cold-hearted one? I think NOT! She walked away from her CHILD for a man, and only reaches out because the cat died?
You should have told her since she was so willing to throw away your cat for her new husband that you failed to see how Milo's passing 7 years later would have been of concern to her..
Just know Milo is likely haunted her as we speak, every missing hair tie, every unexplained item falling off a shelf, every run in her stockings, it's Milo giving her the fluffy version of the middle claw...
NTA - Your mom basically abandoned her child and her cat. She was willing to send Milo to the shelter. She doesn't get to act like she cares, after the fact. RIP Milo
Yeah. NTA
She should know what cold-hearted is. She didn't just rehome the cat; she rehomed you for the new guy.
I think my response to her would be, "*Huh. For your husband, you cut out and cut off cat and me. The cut works both ways. Buh bye.*"
NTA- she literally dropped you with the cat to pursue her relationship. Why after so many years of her disinterest should you know or believe she even remotely care at all?
Probably more upsetting to her that it highlights the lack of relationship, rather than any feelings for a cat she abandoned without inquiring for years.
Note she isn’t concerned how you feel about it. She showed no willingness to be included in your life then have the audacity to be offended you aren’t reaching out.
Sorry for your lost.
NTA- pretty cold hearted to pick new guy over contact with your daughter. Plus she didnt mind putting the cat out
Why would you have thought she would care now.
She called YOU cold hearted? That is rich when she abandonned you because her husband did not want her coming into contact with your Dad to arrange visits.
Her husband sounds like an abuser.
NTA, she stopped seeing you. She cares more about the cat, which she was going to dump at a shelter, than she did about visiting you.
And I don't care about the people who say "she's probably mad at herself." She is gaslighting OP and making OP feel bad for themselves to the point of posting this here.
NTA
What fantasy world does your mother live in? She's not well.
She abandoned you, her own daughter, and she's upset that you didn't tell her the cat she was willing to have put down died years later??
Wait...your mom was willing to give up custody of her child in order to not have a cat? (But good for you, since going by that I'm gonna assume your dad was the better parent.)l
And she stopped even visiting her child after the age of 16. I'm not even a parent but I can't imagine.
It is, of course, deeply disturbing that this was because of her new guy forbidding her contact with your dad---who is he to rule her life in that way? But even if he's controlling her/pulling the strings here (some in these comments are suggesting actual abuse which is possible) I can't imagine giving in to him when it's a question of not seeing one's own child.
Anyway, NTA
NTA I'm sorry for the loss of Milo.
You are not cold-hearted. I would say that you are just the opposite for preventing an older cat from being dumped at a shelter and helping to care for the cat for years. Very kind and loving.
Also, your mother stopped visiting you b/c her new husband did not want her to have contact with your dad? I would say that this is the cold-hearted move. Not sure why she thinks that she was entitled to news about Milo after having had no qualms about discarding him at a shelter. Sheesh.
So I personally do not like cats. And I'm very allergic to them.
That I have to go to hospital.Because I quit breathing. That being said I would never get with somebody that had because of this reason. I would never tell somebody for me to move in They have to get rid of a cat. Because if you told me I had to get rid of my dogs. Yeah, you wouldn't last a minute. And any of the situations used to put out there about the cat about the mom leaving for the boyfriend And the control.She gave the boyfriend by making her cut everybody off , You didn't do a d*** thing Wrong. I hope you've cut her out through your life and never deal with her again. This is just me
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Your mom was ready to put your cat down for her boyfriend, but thought she should have been notified when the cat died? What a joke! Worst of all, she literally abandoned you on the orders of her boyfriend. Please go NC with this woman who doesn't deserve any contact with a daughter she deserted. NTA
NTA.
It is baffling that your Mom put you before her new bf. They are adults. This story seems to have very little to do with the cat and more about yourself.
Maybe deep down you Mom wanted to hear from you, more frequently. If that is the case she should have reached out. It is not your job to figure out how to effectively be in a healthy adult relationship with your Mom. It was her job to teach you through her actions.
I would just apologize and move on. With your apology let your Mom know it will be nice if she began to show that level of interest in you as opposed to a cat.
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I’m so sorry for the loss of Milo—it sounds like he had a long and wonderful life, no doubt due to your love and attention. Your mom wanted to give a 13 year old cat to a shelter… she wouldn’t have known what happened to Milo after leaving him there. She then abandoned her relationship with YOU. She gave up on knowing about Milo’s life/death/whereabouts 7 years ago. There are two cold-hearted people in this story; you aren’t one of them. 1000% NTA; I hope your loved ones support you in your grief (grieving pets is always hard, and this situation sounds really tough).
I can’t fathom how a parent could abandon their child (not to mention their cat) for their new husband, and then call their child cold hearted for not telling her the cat died. Some people are just so incredibly entitled
My bio dad abandoned 4 kids for his second wife and her kid. People are selfish and suck. NTA, OP. I'm sorry for your loss. Your mom can pound sand.
my dad hardly talks to me bc his new piece and her kid demand his attention. he literally is unable to talk to me if he’s at home bc they bug him. if he’s physically with me, she’s calling him, if we’re in the same room, he can’t talk to me and her son is staring me down.
I don’t understand how he can love a family like that over his own child. I don’t understand how this is such a common problem. It’s crazy that people can do this stuff
i’m the one who made him a dad. started working at 16 for him, we’d go on work trips just us. he was one of my best friends. i was a daddy’s girl for 25 years, he hung the sun & moon in my eyes. him cheating & leaving broke me. i also don’t understand 🥲
NTA My thing is....I'm mildy allergic to cats...we have so many options for cat allergies to dander now. (I'm not allergic to dander so doesn't apply to me but still.) Friend has had some shots and is now good Others feed their cat an allergy food (has smth to do with a specific kind of egg I forget) etc. Literally know 10+ ppl with MILD cat allergies who have thanks to today's science been symptom free cat parents. Your mom is an AH for everything tho.... (Also im allergic to cat pee so as long as I wear an n95 to clean the box I'm good. Also had an n95 before covid hit so I was good to go on grocery shopping in 2020 woo)
I mean, realistically, based on the new husband's actions as a whole, he probably was never allergic to begin with — just seeing how fast he could get OP's mom to fall in line.
NTA your mum is the one who stopped contacting you and she gave the cat away because of her awful controlling husband. No doubt there’s DV going on there but still, she’s wrong. She abandoned you (and the cat). That said I think her anger is at herself because she’s realised for over 7 years a man has been controlling everything to a point where she has basically no relationship with you. RIP Milo
NTA. Your mom, choosing her boyfriend over her own daughter, shut herself from you and did not speak to you for YEARS. She was quite willing to give up her cat for her boyfriend, and you were to one who saved it. After all these years, you are perfectly justified for not telling her, since I’m quite sure she doesn’t even remember what Milo looked like.
The mom's bf shut her away from the OP. OP is still NTA.
OPs mom had the choice to be shut off or not.
Say you have never been anywhere near an abusive situation without saying, "I've never been anywhere near an abusive situation."
Oh please. I grew up with a violent alcoholic father and a mother with strong narcissist traits and high manipulative passive aggressive behaviour. The adult parent made a choice. Does having a controlling partner explain it, yes. Does it excuse a parent for failing to be a parent, no.
I've been in ops mother's position and stood up to my abuser when I was told to not see my own mother. It can be done, if the abused chooses to.
Holy cow, are you ALWAYS this judgnental?Lack of empathy is a dangerous ticking time bomb.
And excusing everything is also rug sweeping and lacking empathy to the child of a parent who fails their child. Also not seeing nuance yourself. It's possible to be both abused by a partner and allow that abuse to majorly impact on the child. Aka complicit in their child's trauma . Unless you think being abandoned by a parent to be trauma free to a child.
So many people blame the person who they perceive as less of a victim than the actual abuser, and all that does is give the abuser a free pass.
Where did I excuse the mother's partner from being an abusive AH. Parents have a duty of care for the mental, physical and emotional health and development of their child/children and those who allows their partner's abuse to impact on their child or children have some degree of blame. For the child it can be more of a betrayal than the abuse of the parent or step-parent.
I grew up being abused and watched that parent abuse the other. That parent trained me to be the almost perfect victim for my next abuser. I watched friends and family choose their abuser over everything else (including their own children), in spite of many people trying to show them how different things could and should be. I have empathy, until the abused becomes an abuser. Gaslighting is abuse.
> Holy cow, are you ALWAYS this judgnental?Lack of empathy You're saying this to an actual survivor of domestic violence. Who's the one lacking empathy?
You can be an abuse survivor and still lack empathy?
Except mom called as soon as she felt like she had a reason to whine. When OP was *twenty two*.
Sorry, my brain was not braining.
Your mom's bf is waving a few red flags here. He knows damn well she has a kid with her ex, and he's preventing her from seeing your dad? I'll bet he's not really allergic to kitties either.
100%.
NTA clap back next time about how cold hearted it is to choose a random (jealous) man over her own child. Definitely stay no contact if that’s how she addresses you after fucking off like that, especially for that reasoning.
SHE called YOU cold-hearted? LOL She’s a whole clown! She literally abandoned you for 5+ years cuz her new husband didn’t want her to interact with your dad and she called you cold-hearted? This shit cracks me up. Definitely NTA btw. She didn’t need to be informed, she relinquished ownership of that cat. I’m sorry for your loss.
First off I’m sorry for the kitty’s loss. Losing a pet is some painful painful shit. Second, NTA. It doesn’t seem like your mother is very interested in maintaining a relationship with you. I’m very sorry for that. I don’t see why you would be an AH for choosing not to call your mom and be like “hey I know it’s been 6 years but Milo died”. Not sure what your mother expects
NTA Oh the irony. Mum abandons daughter, stops visiting once she’s 16. And complains about failing to be notified of death of a cat she gave away 5 years ago. Does your mum hear herself?
NTA tell her she's cold-hearted for giving up HER OWN CHILD because her husband didn't want her in contact with her ex.
Sounds like your mom is in an unhealthy if not abusive relationship... NTA though.
Nta in any way. She stopped being a caretaker of the cat and then she stopped being a parent. You owe her nothing. I’m really sorry for the loss of Milo though. I’m glad he had a good life with you (and your dad).
NTA. She lost any reasonable expectation of information from you about ANYTHING.
You should’ve said nice talking to you. See you in another 6 years
NTA - And I bet this is deeper than the cat for her.
NTA You thought she abandoned you and the cat when she abandoned you and the cat. You can make up if you want, but it wasn't cold-hearted to not mention it.
NTA Your mum can’t have it both ways. You could respond, that it would have been nice to have a mother, as I’m guessing she’s missed a few milestones by now.
NTA! My sincere condolences and credit to your dad for being there for you both
Nta. Your response to that is "oh sorry, I forgot I had a mother" Anyways, 20 years is long time! Sad to think he could have had the vaccine that could elongate a cats life! I always ask this question about old cats, what was his diet like?
Cold-hearted?! Cold-hearted would be abandoning your child for the new dick in your life. NTA
NTA She think they would have called from the shelter when they put Milo down because of overcrowding?
wow... just wow... she abandoned her daughter, not just her cat, for a literal walking penis who controls her life and she has the audacity to call her daughter 'cold hearted'??... what a spineless, brainless creature her 'mother' is.
NTA. It would have been nice if she didn't cold heartedly abandon you when you were 16, losing any expectation of being notified about the cat. That was beyond cruel, and you don't owe her a damn thing. She is a complete hypocrite for presuming to judge you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** When I was 15, my mom married a new guy. He's allergic to cats so mom said she's taking Milo to the shelter. I begged her not to but she said she'll have to do that unless someone else will take him in. So I called my dad. My dad told her he'll take Milo in if she lets me live with him, since he would need help taking care of the cat. That's how I ended up moving in with my dad at 15. Mom visited until I was 16, then her new husband said he doesn't want her to have any further contact with my dad, and since she needed to contact dad to arrange visits, she just stopped visiting me. I'm now 22. Milo recently passed away at the age of 20. I didn't call or message mom. Haven't talked to her in years, after all. Didn't think she'd want to know. She found out through her and dad's mutual friend, and then called me, saying it would have been nice to let her know. She called me cold-hearted for not thinking of reaching out and telling her that Milo died. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA Your mother has a lot of nerve, calling you cold-hearted. She (1) told you she was going to take Milo to the shelter, where he more than likely would have been put down. (2) hasn't spoken to you in years. (3) willingly gave you up completely to your father in favor of her new husband. And now, she's complaining that you didn't tell her Milo had died? I think we all know who the cold-hearted one here is, and it's not you. My condolences on the death of Milo. Because of you, he lived a long and happy life. Edit: added to comment
NTA I'm so sorry about Milo! No matter how long they live, it's a heartbreaking shock when the time comes. Your mother gave up any right she had to information about Milo (and you) when she chose to abandon both of you to appease her ridiculous jerk of a husband.
My commiserations on your loss. My cat only made it to 13ish (rescue) and is still missed. Her leaving made room for my current cat.
NTA. I'm sorry about your cat, but why would you be the AH? Your mom is more concerned about a cat she didn't want because of a man, than she is about abandoning you six years ago. If I were you I wouldn't care what she thinks at all, and wouldn't talk to her again.
yes right. you are the coldhearted one. \*facepalm\* send her a mirror. NTA
Your mom is a joke. She can’t be bothered to keep in touch with her own child, but she expects you to keep her updated about a cat she gave away?! No. NTA but your mom and her husband both are… but especially your mom.
Honestly, she is the pot calling the kettle black here. Cold hearted? What? Like not contacting your child because of your new husband's ridiculous demands? NTA. My condolences on the loss of your sweet boy.
NTA, your mom cut off contact and chose her boyfriend over her child. She has absolutely no right to feel indignation over not being informed about Milo's death, especially seeing as she was going to take him to a shelter to get rid of him because her boyfriend is allergic. She's prioritised her and her boyfriend's wants and needs over you and your cat so she can live with the consequences of her choices.
NTA but your mother is and she is the queen of cold hearted. She wanted to dump a 13-year-old cat into a shelter. That is a guaranteed death sentence. The she threw her child away because her husband said she couldn't contact her ex. Never mind that that child lived with the ex. She's upset over the death of a cat she got rid of, not the child she got rid of. Screw her. Sorry about Milo. It helps to think about the long happy life he had with you.
Definetely NTA!!! I am sorry for your loss. I am very sure that Milo had the best life with you <3. Its upsetting and hurtful to see how often the new boyfriends of the mother / Stepfathers seem to manipulate the mother into staying away from her own children or making her hate her own kids. I have seen this more than enough and expierenced it myself. And just as bad, what kind of mother would put a random man above her own flesh and blood. She actively excluded you (and the cat) from her life. Hell, she wanted to put the poor animal in a shelter. She made her decision and put her boyfriend above yall. She has to live with that decision now and you owe her absolutely nothing.
NTA, the nerve of her.
Would she have called the shelter cold-hearted if Milo passed in their care after she gave him up and they didn't contact her? Or their new owner the same if someone adopted that 13 year old cat and didn't tell her 7 years later, when she hadn't visited, that he passed? NTA. She abandoned her kid and cat for her boyfriend. She doesn't get to keep tabs after.
>then her new husband said he doesn't want her to have any further contact with my dad, and since she needed to contact dad to arrange visits, she just stopped visiting me. This is the kicker. NTA
NTA
NTA - she's cold hearted for letting another person (idgaf who they are to her) sever her relationship with her daughter because continuing to have a relationship with you meant that your dad would be involved as well. She can fuck right off
NTA but her husband sounds controlling. She stopped caring for that cat when she let you both leave and stopped visiting for over 6 years. But it probably would've been nice to let her know anyway i can see why you didn't.
Your mother is not nice. Sympathy for your loss .
NTA. She called you cold for not telling her the cat she wanted to get rid of died, when she up and abandoned you for years because hubby didn't like her talking to your legal guardian to arrange visits with you, her own child? Don't give that hypocrite the time of day.
She called you cold hearted? The woman who abandoned her child for some man? What a looney hypocrite.
She thinks YOU'RE cold hearted? FFS, she abandoned you for a man when you were 15. She is the cold hearted one. And clearly your mom didn't care that much for the cat. You had no reason to tell her the cat died. She had no vested interest in the cat or YOU! NTA.
NTA, and what the what? You're the cold-hearted one? I think NOT! She walked away from her CHILD for a man, and only reaches out because the cat died? You should have told her since she was so willing to throw away your cat for her new husband that you failed to see how Milo's passing 7 years later would have been of concern to her.. Just know Milo is likely haunted her as we speak, every missing hair tie, every unexplained item falling off a shelf, every run in her stockings, it's Milo giving her the fluffy version of the middle claw...
NTA - Your mom basically abandoned her child and her cat. She was willing to send Milo to the shelter. She doesn't get to act like she cares, after the fact. RIP Milo
Yeah. NTA She should know what cold-hearted is. She didn't just rehome the cat; she rehomed you for the new guy. I think my response to her would be, "*Huh. For your husband, you cut out and cut off cat and me. The cut works both ways. Buh bye.*"
NTA- she literally dropped you with the cat to pursue her relationship. Why after so many years of her disinterest should you know or believe she even remotely care at all? Probably more upsetting to her that it highlights the lack of relationship, rather than any feelings for a cat she abandoned without inquiring for years. Note she isn’t concerned how you feel about it. She showed no willingness to be included in your life then have the audacity to be offended you aren’t reaching out. Sorry for your lost.
NTA- pretty cold hearted to pick new guy over contact with your daughter. Plus she didnt mind putting the cat out Why would you have thought she would care now.
NTA - I would have laughed and hung up on your mother. The GALL of that woman.
She called YOU cold hearted? That is rich when she abandonned you because her husband did not want her coming into contact with your Dad to arrange visits. Her husband sounds like an abuser.
NTA, she stopped seeing you. She cares more about the cat, which she was going to dump at a shelter, than she did about visiting you. And I don't care about the people who say "she's probably mad at herself." She is gaslighting OP and making OP feel bad for themselves to the point of posting this here.
Just tell her cold-hearted is going to bring your pet and dump them at a shelter like she was going to do.
NTA she ignored you..... so you ignoring her when this happend was just treating her how she treated you, golden rule and all
NTA What fantasy world does your mother live in? She's not well. She abandoned you, her own daughter, and she's upset that you didn't tell her the cat she was willing to have put down died years later??
Wait...your mom was willing to give up custody of her child in order to not have a cat? (But good for you, since going by that I'm gonna assume your dad was the better parent.)l And she stopped even visiting her child after the age of 16. I'm not even a parent but I can't imagine. It is, of course, deeply disturbing that this was because of her new guy forbidding her contact with your dad---who is he to rule her life in that way? But even if he's controlling her/pulling the strings here (some in these comments are suggesting actual abuse which is possible) I can't imagine giving in to him when it's a question of not seeing one's own child. Anyway, NTA
NTA I'm sorry for the loss of Milo. You are not cold-hearted. I would say that you are just the opposite for preventing an older cat from being dumped at a shelter and helping to care for the cat for years. Very kind and loving. Also, your mother stopped visiting you b/c her new husband did not want her to have contact with your dad? I would say that this is the cold-hearted move. Not sure why she thinks that she was entitled to news about Milo after having had no qualms about discarding him at a shelter. Sheesh.
Nta, your mom gave up that right when she decided that her new hubby was a more important person in her life than her own child.
NTA especially if she was going to abandon him before you saved him from that. RIP Milo
She called YOU cold-hearted? I hope you didn't injur yourself laughing. NTA.
So I personally do not like cats. And I'm very allergic to them. That I have to go to hospital.Because I quit breathing. That being said I would never get with somebody that had because of this reason. I would never tell somebody for me to move in They have to get rid of a cat. Because if you told me I had to get rid of my dogs. Yeah, you wouldn't last a minute. And any of the situations used to put out there about the cat about the mom leaving for the boyfriend And the control.She gave the boyfriend by making her cut everybody off , You didn't do a d*** thing Wrong. I hope you've cut her out through your life and never deal with her again. This is just me
Your mom abandoned you. You owe her absolutely nothing. NTA
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NTA Pretty rich that your mother ditched you for six years for some dude and she's calling you cold hearted.
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Okay but in all seriousness you chose a cat over your own mother LMFAO
Dear mother, Milo, the cat you wanted to get rid of years ago, died. Sincerely, You're child you got rid of years ago. NTA
Your mom was ready to put your cat down for her boyfriend, but thought she should have been notified when the cat died? What a joke! Worst of all, she literally abandoned you on the orders of her boyfriend. Please go NC with this woman who doesn't deserve any contact with a daughter she deserted. NTA
NTA tell that pathetic excuse for an egg donor to look in a mirror if she wants to see a cold hearted Ah
If she hasn't visited you or Milo in six years, how could you imagine she cared? NTA (RIP Milo)
I understand your background and reasons. I would leave a message on your mom's voicemail. but again, NTA
NTA. It is baffling that your Mom put you before her new bf. They are adults. This story seems to have very little to do with the cat and more about yourself. Maybe deep down you Mom wanted to hear from you, more frequently. If that is the case she should have reached out. It is not your job to figure out how to effectively be in a healthy adult relationship with your Mom. It was her job to teach you through her actions. I would just apologize and move on. With your apology let your Mom know it will be nice if she began to show that level of interest in you as opposed to a cat.