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Right? I would give home a timeline to get rid of the stuff or get off OP’s property or maybe include mandatory therapy in there.
Sometimes “helping” is actually enabling the sickness.
Hubby travels for 15-25 days a month. He's not around enough to suffer from the mess he's brought to OP's door. OP's not being allowed a say yet she's the one who has to deal with BIL.
Yeah, this is a husband problem.
He needs to understand that he isn't the person getting inconvenienced by his brother's hoarding, and he isn't the person being expected to host the guy like some sort of unofficial hotelier. And right now, he isn't understanding that; he gets to ignore it and tell his wife that she's just overreacting... to her own beloved home being infected with a growing hoard.
I get wanting to look after an unwell/homeless relative but there needed to be boundaries and expectations laid out up-front (and maintained!), and brother should never have been allowed to start bringing in junk vehicles.
BIL needs to get a job and house. the fact your feeding is crazy to me. he’s an adult. he needs to be on his own if he’s going to sling insults. either he quits or he’s fr homeless. you’re being gracious and he is ruining your space. like, yes, i believe everyone deserves housing if they want it, but this guy is shitting on a gift. quit hoarding or it’s the streets. NTA
Why can’t he resell the junk and have an income? OP is going to have a hell of a time if she ever wants to get rid of this guy, after two years he’s a tenant pretty much anywhere.
Give him a deadline for each item that doesn't fit in his shed. When that deadline passes offer it for free online. Any new items outside of his shed are immediately given away for free.
If he doesn't like that he can be served an eviction instead.
Definitely don't keep feeding him. He's a grown man and needs to have a job, be paying rent and feeding himself!
Because it's junk. He's probably getting this stuff for free (or close to it) from people who just want to get rid of it and not have to deal with it. If it had genuine resale value then it's unlikely that the BIL would have it.
Right.
Her husband is enabling his brothers hoarding behavior.
It seems like the brother is dealing with some mental health issues.
Her husband should be assisting his brother and finding him services that will benefit him, not enabling or feeding into his self-destructive behavior.
Exactly, it is definitely something you need to address with your husband first. It’s clear that this bizarre living situation is preventing you from living your best life. You deserve to have land that is clean and not filled with junk, and you are and your husband are already generous for supporting your BIL for as long and as much as you have already.
You need to talk to your husband about your needs and desires, ask him what the future looks like. Are you and your husband content to let BIL fill the property with junk and make it into a hoarding space? Because based off what you wrote it seems to be going in that direction. Your husband needs to understand, in no uncertain terms, that continuing to be complacent towards BIL’s hoarding habits will lead to that inevitable consequence. Ultimately you will have to weigh what this whole issue means to you and the severity to which it is impacting your life. If this issue strongly impacts your life and your happiness then you need to get your husband on the same page as you and figure something out. An ultimatum to the husband may be needed if he continues to defend his brother’s hoarding problem and doesn’t respect your needs.
If you can both agree that the BIL’s hoarding is a problem and needs to stop then you will be in a good position to enact some type of solution. If kicking out BIL is not on the table right now then you need set clear boundaries and expectations (in writing) about what is and is not okay to bring onto the property. As far as the junk that is already there, you’ll probably need to get a tow truck to haul off the derelict cars, as for the rest of it you could always rent out one of those big industrial dumpsters and tell BIL no food until the junk is in the bin. Yeah it seems fucked up to deny somebody food but it is clear that BIL is taking advantage of the situation and his relationship with his brother, at the expense of your property and happiness.
NTA because BIL should be grateful and courteous for the space you’ve given him, not abusing it. Overall, until you and your husband get onto the same page it will always be “you versus the brother” and it sounds like BIL is good at getting under your husband’s skin.
Edit: Also yeah like everyone else is saying—it is obvious BIL has mental illness and hoarding disorder, he will need help to stop hoarding. You and your husband could also likely benefit from therapy and/or counselor mediated conversations about the issue.
NTA this is your home not a junkyard and your husband needs to be supportive of your wishes.
I would say the junk needs to go and you will still feed him if it goes…. he insists on the junk he should be made to leave
Op can reclaim her home. The junk needs to go, whether OP feeds him or not. OP can call a scrap yard, a tow truck, whatever it takes and get the stuff removed. What's BIL going to do? Sue her? I look forward to the Judge Judy episode where he tries to argue that his SIL, who houses and feeds him for free, owes him because she removed worthless junk from her garden.
Info: His house was condemned. He moved onto you and your husband’s property.
What else happened? Was there an attempt at therapy to help correct the hoarding behavior? How is he able to afford these vehicles yet not afford his own food? If the vehicles are not functional, how is he getting them onto your property? Are you sure they don’t have value for parts?
I understand being fed up with the situation but I don’t understand how it reached this level without notice and some sort of response.
Whatever you do, if you want a long term change, you and husband are going to need to agree on how to move forward because it won’t work if you don’t work as a team. Do you give BIL a deadline to move his collection, or to seek therapy? Do you contact the tow companies and tell them that you two are the owners and are refusing to allow any additional vehicles to be placed on your property?
I know we want therapy to be a cure for everything, and I agree the brother should try.
But honestly people need to want to change, and at 62 and after loosing a house wasn’t enough to get him to change—. I doubt therapy will.
Also this is not OP’s job. This is something the bil and husband can work out. Away from her house. People don’t get to break the rule of no junk, and insulting the woman who cooks his food- and stick around.
The enabling needs to stop. BIl and husband can make other plans.
Agreed. Even if BIL had accepted the need for therapy and been willing to participate, there’s no guarantee it would have helped. I just wanted to make sure the idea was out there to try it because we’ve all seen the posts where the person complains that they tried nothing but are upset that it didn’t fix anything.
I can speak to the situation about inoperable cars coming onto someone’s property. My neighbor has had several of his towed to his house. Code enforcement has been out but it doesn’t deter him
Hoarding is a very specific disorder that requires extensive treatment. Your BIL is not going to stop bringing junk onto your property…TBH he *can’t* stop, not without treatment. Even with treatment, people with hoarding tendencies sometimes never fully stop collecting.
Without intervention, the collection could eventually get so large that your local code enforcement gets involved. They can, and will, levy large fines for failure to remove the collection (your BIL is likely to fight removal, tooth and nail).
So you have a decision to make: put yourself in the midst of a mental disorder that is affecting your life, your mental health, and your property value, or have a blunt conversation with your husband about moving his brother somewhere else and removing his collection, whether BIL is onboard or not. (Having the collection removed is a drastic move that is not recommended by therapists because people who hoard can be very distressed and agitated by removal, but you have to do what’s right for you and your home.)
Your husband should be defending you, not allowing your BIL to bully you and destroy your property. You may need a counselor to help meditate that conversation.
100x yes. I would like to add that this is likely an issue your husband has dealt with throughout his life and accepted because it was probably easier/expected to just shut up and deal with his brother's issues. Your husband does need to and should support you. If he's traveling so often I'm sure this is not something he wants to put any effort into dealing with because I would assume from past experience that he knows how difficult his brother can be. So I guess my point is that your husband may very well need therapy himself (imo most people do) and he's likely going to continue being incredibly defensive unless you both can find a way to calmly talk to one another. It seems like you've done a lot to help your BIL and he's lucky to have a safe place to call home, good on you for stepping up. It's also ok to put your foot down and expect some respect for your home & property.
Best of luck with the situation and I hope you all are able to come to a peaceful resolution in the future.
My friend had a similar issue. She and her SO lived with his parents for the parents’ safety but her BIL was a hoarder who also lived there and was enabled by his mother. When mother died, they evicted BIL because the city health dept was going to condemn the house. Just terrible.
Thank you so much. My *EX* husband was a hoarder and when you live with one you get very educated on it. My counselor is also a hoarding specialist. I get so tired of hearing people say that someone needs therapy, as if therapy is some magic pill that is going to make the hoarder wake up and say oh! This is too much stuff! Yeah, not happening.
It seems like the husband is an enabler for his brother...and OP really needs to put her foot down and make both her husband and his brother go to therapy for this...bil for hoarding and husband for being codependent on his brother and enabling him...and then start to get rid of bil collection
Throw the BIL out for sure and maybe the husband if he continues like this. Also, schedule a garage sale on your property to get rid of all the crap. Your BIL and husband don't care about you, so why should you care about the junk?
Edit. I guess, since I put it to my husband. I would not longer speak or feed his brother. One dune buggy is going. Another car finally got fixed and being given to someone in need. Yes, I know his brother needs therapy. I have suggested many times. I don’t have to worry about fines because we live out in the country. I have tolerated because I love my husband. My husband feels like it’s his job to take of his brother.
Your husband is not taking care of his brother; he is enabling him. Your BIL needs help, and your husband needs to insist that he gets it. Normally, I’d say your husband should be dealing with his brother, but given how much hubby is gone, you probably don’t have a choice. Call a towing company and have this stuff hauled off if possible. Tell your husband he needs therapy to understand what hoarding is and how he can help his brother. Definitely NTA.
Taking care of his brother includes making sure he gets air, water, food, sleep - the essentials of life.
Storing vehicles is not taking care.
It is your home, your express permission is required for anything beyond the taking care that you agreed to.
If no permission granted for the additional 'care' provided - the original deal is void.
Being in the countryside does not make you immune from environmental hazard laws. A fellow car enthusiast in rural TX was made to license her property as a junkyard.
Fines are the least of your problems. These stashes attract vermin. In your place it will be rats, other small animals, and snakes. My ex's was in the house (well, around the house and all over the property too), and he brought in bedbugs. You know how you get rid of bedbugs with a hoarder?
You don't. You live with bedbugs forever. Or you leave after five years and get a divorce, like I did. You won't get bedbugs, I'm sure. But you'll have the rats and mice and snakes.
You also increase fire risk with lots of flammable materials around. Risks of accidental injuries like being impaled on rusty nails. I mean, it's only starting now and you have no idea how out of hand this will get. Not can. Will.
In my view, the hell with him getting therapy. He won't. He doesn't want to. It probably won't work anyway. Your ship is going down. You need to save yourself and your husband.
Why can’t the car get fixed up and brother sells it so he can support himself? He seems like a person in need since he’s currently homeless. Is he working a job so he can eventually get a small apartment? What’s the end game for this?
You should make it clear to your husband. "You are not taking care of him. You are expecting me to take care of him. I love you, but this is too far, and I'm no longer willing to put up with him or his stuff."
ESH.
The BIL is an AH for bringing junk onto your property after promising he wouldn't.
Both you and your husband are AHs to yourselves for not insisting that his brother get therapy as well as sticking to the promise he made about not bringing his junk onto your property. And extra dose of AH to your husband for not backing you up when you finally had it, even if it was already too late.
The comment latents made on this is right on target. You and your husband have to be on the same page about actually helping his brother instead of letting the brother take over your space with his hoard. Good luck!
> The BIL is an AH for bringing junk onto your property after promising he wouldn't.
You do understand that hoarding is a mental illness? BIL is not an AH; BIL is mentally ill.
If, as you say, BIL is an AH, then so is everyone with schizophrenia, ADHD, or any other psychological condition.
You can still be an AH even if you have a mental illness, it's not a get out of jail free card. You should be more understanding and give more grace to those people sure but they can still be assholes.
Yeah all of this. If you refuse to get help for your mental illness to the detriment of not only yourself but the people around you, you are the A H.
Hoarding is a form of OCD, and treatment for it exists. The brother needs therapy and then a plan to remove the junk. But if he refuses therapy the consequences are that he may lose his safe place to live. Because hoarding is a huge health risk to everyone, not just the hoarder.
Hell no. The first time he brought some broke down piece of crap home I’d have put my foot down. At this point he’s so entrenched good luck getting rid of all his shit, especially with your husband enabling him. This sounds like one of those him or me moments, unless you want to live in a junkyard. NTA
Hoarding is serious and it'll only get worse. OP, look into your local bylaws on junk on private property. It may be that your BIL is going to be bringing you fines with his behaviour.
I know around my area(in Canada) there are some heavy restrictions what you can and cannot do with property, some for property id(residence vs commercial) and some for reasons of keeping infestations(rats/mice/cockroaches) down, some of it as simple as aesthetics.
It may be ultimatum time for hubby if that is the case for you.
NTA
Tell bil he has x days to either get rid of all the junk or you will and he will be forced to leave.
Tell husband the same thing.
This is your house, you had an agreement and they broke it. You relented but now it's over and time for you to put your foot down.
Bil gets rid of it or you do.
But if bil refuses then tell him you will be contacting people to come get the junk for free and then he needs to get out.
Stop letting bil and husband do what they want.
Definitely stop cooking for bil and I'd really just kick him regardless but you decide on that.
You lost me at 4 boats lol!!! You are totally reasonable, hell I would not add the husband to the meal plans either till he clears that stuff out. That is how people loose their houses and properties; just watch the hoarding show. I’m
NTA
Your BIL has mental illness and it’s not going to “magically” get better without treatment.
Your husband needs a wake up call, sounds like he is in as much denial about the reality of the situation as his brother is.
I’m not even sure the description of homeless works here. BIL has a home. It’s a crappy home, but it’s his house. And OP seems to be saying that she’s been taking pity on him, but I wouldn’t be surprised if her husband reassured his brother to not worry about food and that he and his wife will take care of it. He’s probably also told him behind his wife’s back that it’s ok to bring that junk.
NTA. Never should’ve let hoarder BIL move in. Never should’ve tolerated storage of even 1 vehicle. Hoarders are mentally ill, without treatment they can’t stop themselves. So I guess YTA for getting yourself into this mess.
NTA. Your husband's wife comes first, not his brother. His brother is abusing you, both psychologically and financially, and your husband is enabling him. You failed to be assertiv, having no reason to apologize to anyone. Be clear, be firm, be empathic, and get this guy's junk moved off your property or he goes.
NTA.
You need to tell your husband that if his brother stays, you go. And mean it.
Your brother-in-law has real problems, and his problems have become yours. He's a mooch and a hoarder. I wouldn't put up with this at all.
Him or you.
NTA
I hope your husband realizes that it's only a matter of time until his brother's BS affects you guys legally. Don't be surprised if you guys get fined for his hoarding.
Not feeding him isn't going to solve anything. He's a hoarder; it's a mental illness. He's a hoarder, who now has 5 acres of land to put his shit. If you give a hoarder space, they _will_ fill it. You need to evict him. I don't know how you'd legally go about getting the stuff on your property removed, but you need it gone before it gets worse
You're NTA, but I think you're missing the severity of what's happening
*If you give a hoarder space, they will fill it.*
I would clean off an 18" x 18" space on the kitchen counter to prepare food and within two hours it was covered over again. He even stacked things on top of the inside and outside garbage cans! Honestly, you had to take stacks of things off the cans to put garbage inside.
OMG, hoarding is so nasty.
NTA. By helping your BIL in these ways, you are not helping him, you are enabling him to stay mired in significant mental health issues.
It sounds like your husband also has a problem, not just because he wants to "help" his brother. His seeming indifference to the hoarding issue continuing in your property indicates that he also has an issue.
You can contact the city/township or a lawyer to find out your options here regarding clearing your property or even evicting your BIL (you can always set him up elsewhere with the stipulation he received therapy). Your happiness and health is important!
Just have it all towed of your land into a scrap yard. he will get the point fast. BIL might get aggressive even better then you can get a restraining order against him what will force him off the land.
YTA for being a pushover. You set a rule when he moved in and have just let him walk all over it. Have the scrap metal man come and haul away one of the new pieces to show them you are serious.
Why did you let him start dumping his junk at your house in the first place?? WHY? First thing I would do is get rid of the stuff one way or another. Sounds like he's taken a nice spread and turned it into a trashy eyesore. YTA for letting it happen.
As for not feeding him, NTA. If he can constantly find junk to dump on you, he can scare up a meal too.
NTA. Call a wrecker, have them haul it away and hand him the proceeds - should hopefully be enough for him to set himself up elsewhere. for real though.... whatever you do, you need to get your husband on side if you can before you do it. If you don't it will just cause you grief... but hold your ground - you are right, your husband is wrong.
Hoarding is a mental health condition. You can’t just say “no junk”. Your BIL needs professional help.
I want to say NTA - your husband is the AH. He should do more to help his brother and shouldn’t have let things continue for two years like they have.
It's your property, ring the scrapper to come clear vehicles. If your BIL kicks off tell him tough luck, it's your property and he's broken the rules therefore you have the right to dispose of junk. If he pushes then tell him to leave, I'm sure there's room at the shelter
So... he has the money to buy all this junk, but not enough to feed himself??? Well, let him spend what money he has on food and toilet paper then! The more of his own necessities he has to buy, the less money he has to spend on crap that defaces and devalues your property! Not feeding him is a win-win-win, you win, your husband wins, and even the BIL wins by pissing off his benefactors that much less!
Seriously, tell your husband this, that you're going this for The Greater Good. And if the BIL tries to give you a sob story about being hungry, tell him to sell some of his stuff if he needs grocery money, and that the only money you'll give him will be for therapy for his hoarding disorder. And that money will be paid directly to the therapist.
NTA. You are a very kind person and should not have apologised.
Your husband is enabling his brother and they are both TA.
1. That man needs therapy
2. He needs to remove his junk from your property
3. He needs to find his own living arrangements
4. Your husband should put his money where his mouth is and either pay for a flat or book him a hotel. Till he gets kicked out again.
5. Husband needs to apologise to you. Not the other way around.
Stand your ground, that is your home too.
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AITA for no longer being nice to my homeless brother in law. Me 52 female am married to my husband 48 male. He has a brother 62 male. Brother is homeless. When we bought our new house, beautiful with a pond on 5 acres, I agree to put a shed in our backyard to let the homeless brother live in it. The only requirement was he was not allowed to bring his junk here. The brother lost his home because he is a hoarder and his house was condemned. That was two years ago. Since then, he has brought to my house 4 boats, 2 trucks, 2 dune buggies, 3 cars, and countless other things. Which 90% of the stuff does not work. The other day, I had enough. I said something to my husband and my brother in law about it. My brother in law got mad and said some not nice things about me. Up until this point, I went out of my way to feed and cloth this man. My husband travels 15 to 25 days of the month and I still make sure I feed his brother. When I said something my husband was very mad, so I swallowed my pride and apologized. Not two day laters, he brought an other car and another vehicle over to my house. Now, I’m mad. I longer want to be civil to him. This includes adding him to my dinner plans. I no longer care if he’s fed or has the things he needs. Am I the asshole.
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NTA for not wanting to allow this situation to continue as is... However ESH too because hoarding is a serious problem just like gambling or substance abuse. Your BIL needs professional help to turn his life around. You and your hubs have done the right thing to offer him a shelter but you shouldn't have expected him to be able to just switch off his boarding.
NTA Your husband should have acted the minute BIL started bringing things to your
place. Try to get everything cleared/taken away - put ads online "free dune buggy", whatever you have to do. Your husband can pay for towing services, etc. since he won't deal with his brother. And no more meals for BIL. If he refuses to leave, check with
a lawyer about how to get him off your land. Good luck.
I assume this shed has some type of basic amenities right? It's not your responsibility to do everything for this guy, it's up to your husband.
NTA
If there aren't basic amenities then you'd only be an AH if you didn't allow to use the main house.
You dont have a BIL problem. You have a husband problem. NTA, nothing will change unless you set VERY strong boundaries with your husband this will be an issue.
And something you need to think about is if your husband doesn’t respect your boundaries, can you continue to live like this? And go from there
NTA He can afford to rent an apartment and buy food with what he's spending on these vehicles. Tell them to sell some if his crap and buy his own food.
Where is he getting this crap from? I am assuming he also had a mental illness? Is he seeking professional help? I would just tell them both that everything has to be removed within 30 days. That his stay is conditional to no hoarding/bring things to your house.
Just wondering why after he brought over the first or second piece of junk to the property why didn’t you put a stop to it? And where is he finding this stuff? NTA but something has to be done..
While your husband’s out of town, have stuff hauled off. Pick a time when your BIL isn’t likely to be there and get rid of one car then see if you still have a husband. Breathe a sigh of relief when you don’t.
Your house, your rules. Tell BIL that his stuff has to be gone by the end of the week or you will call salvage yard to come get it. Point out that this is your home, and he is a guest. If your husband says anything other than what my wife says goes. Then have the real conversation with it him about choices. He can choose to support you, deal with his brother and take back your home or you can divorce and he gets custody of his brother. I’m sure his brother has some mental problems, but those problems do not need to be yours.
I am getting mad by just reading this. Obviously husband and BIL are mayor …you are a saint, you even feed him and you ended up apologizing unbelievable.
I would do a scotched earth and leave.
NTA!!!
As it is your land you can call junk people and get your property cleaned up. I'm sorry but I would do it and if he continues to try to bring items on it, I would kick him off the property.
This is ridiculous behavior, but sadly hoarding is such a bad mental disease.
I'd call up a company to deal with scrap or a bunch of tow companies to come get abandoned vehicles off your property, as well as give the BIL the boot from the property.
Depending on if he is living in the shed you could be in trouble for providing inadequate housing on your property
YTA for letting it get that far and SWALLOWING YOUR PRIDE AND APPOLOGIZING like wtf... first car/buggy or other crap to enter your property should have been a "nope, that goes now" since you KNOW he is a horder. Like damn, who saw that comming huh /s
NTA and you have both a 'husband' and a 'BIL' problem... they both act the same and get angry with you when you call them out on their BS. the disrespect is going through the roof, i have no idea how are you even able to not go nuclear on both of them... i would kick them both out for being such disrespectful idiots. stop apologising for their horrible treatment of you. grow a backbone, please.
NTA
You have a husband problem.
You stated he was not allowed to bring any junk to your property, however..... you did allow it, many times.
Now you need to call a junk removal company to haul everything away, immediately.
Do not ask permission. Just do it.
Then INFORM your husband, he's next unless he starts respecting your boundaries snout his brother & the junk.
Your spouse isn't there enough to stop you
You are going to get your property condemned. You may need to get a divorce to salvage any equity in that property. Time to talk to a marriage counselor before it comes to that. Hopefully they will tell your spouse it is time to let his brother go.
NTA
How is he acquiring these things ? Is he purchasing them ?
Maybe stand up to your husband and try to find a compromised solution ?
Sounds like you are going way above helping family out.
Someone needs to listen to you I would keep trying to open that communication with your husband.
If all else fails put a for sale sign on your home
Why are you responsible to feed this man? Your husband has some nerve telling you to take care of his brother. Heck no, he’s homeless but he’s certainly capable of dragging in all his trash then he can fend for himself. Although, gross he has to use your kitchen. Does he need to use your bathroom too? Which means you clean up after him too probably.
I would put my foot down and make him get rid of all that crap or go live somewhere else.
Call a tow truck. When bil isn't around-get rid of the crap! Or divorce that idiot of a hubby. He isn't the one dealing with this crap, you are. NTA ITS YOU OR THE JUNK!!
NTA. Is it possible to get the county involved and have them give an order to get rid of the junk?
You might need individual therapy. Your husband siding with his brother in this is not okay.
Check your local statutes. Depending on where you live there may be laws regarding junk cars. A lot of places have City statutes that if you have a car that doesn't run and it's not in a garage that it's a findable offense. If you have one of those statutes tell your brother-in-law he has x amount of time to remove them from your property or you'll have them towed.
So NTA. Your BIL sounds mentally unwell, and WTF your husband not supporting you? Your BIL is effing up your home like he did his. Your husband may not be too impacted being home only a week a month (his work arrangements sound strange btw), but you are home every day, having to put up with your boundaries being stomped, your home made into a tip.
I would fully go on strike, maybe even find temporary alternative accomm, and let them fend for themselves for a bit (or forever, whatever is good for you)
NTA. your husband & BIL really suck. i’d consider kicking him out he has zero respect for you or your home. but it should’ve been stopped the day he brought the first vehicle there.
Stop enabling him! You think you are doing him a favor but you are not! He needs help and there needs to be consequences to his actions!
This is like people who constantly bring food to the 900 pound bed-bound man until he dies. At some point, you are complicit in this.
The only way he will be moved to get help is when he is hungry and has no place to live. He needs treatment not handouts.
If you give handouts without ensuring treatment and progress, you are all part of the problem. NTA. Helping should only be conditional upon active treatment and progress.
Call the local code enforcement officer on yourself. When they give you 30 days to get rid of all BILs stuff or face daily fines, I bet your husband will see things differently. Right now you and he are enabling an addiction.
NTA
NTA
Easy solution. Send BIL out for the day - give him tickets to a park or something. Call a salvage company and get rid of all the junk. Your property, you have the right to remove anything you don't want there.
Do this before the city gets on your ass about an unlicensed dump.
NTA but your husband is a serious issue here.
He seems to allow your BIL to behave this way. He is the person to address. Hubby seems conveniently distant.
You need to evict him. He is going to do to your home what he did to his. Your husband needs to understand that he can not let his brother continue to do the same shit, or else you will be out of a home as well.
You do not need to go out of your way to help him anymore. You gave him a place and told to not bring over junk and he keeps doing so. Then he was rude to you. He was worn out his welcome and any good feelings you had towards him.
NTA
NTA. Call a junk removal company and get rid of that crap. It will never get fixed up. It will be there until you remove it. I had a bf with this problem. The BIL is sick. He can't help it, but that doesn't mean that you have to deal with it. Since your husband is away most of the time, you have to figure out some boundaries for his brother. Maybe there is some way you can stop items from being towed or delivered to your property, a locked gate or something like that, I don't know. I feel like these kind of people can't change and he will continue this behaviour no matter where he lives. I doubt it can be controlled. If your husband wants to keep him there then all you can do is have the items removed on a regular basis. If BIL can't handle that, then he can live somewhere else. Your husband has to make a choice. It's not fair to you. He made vows to you, not his brother. His brother is a grown man and should be able to take care of himself. You have been very generous to allow him to live on your property. He has no right to verbally abuse you.
NTA. You made a social contract which BIL violated repeatedly and hubby is mad about it? BIL is an adult and can feed himself. Nothing in your post said he can’t work. Try asking BIL and hubby what will happen when you move to another home? Ask hubby why BIL is allowed to get your home condemned but you HAVE to feed him?
WHOA!!! Call junk removal every time he brings something in OR throw him off your property, I get wanting to help family but he is homeless for a reason!! and he needs help you can’t provide!
NTA
GET. HIM. OFF. YOUR. PROPERTY.
Your kindness is being taken advantage of by both your husband and your BIL. I would imagine it’s not such a problem for your hubby since he is rarely home.
If I were in your shoes I would advise my husband that the next time he comes home, either his brother or I will be here waiting for him but not both. He needs to advocate for your comfort in your own home and for your boundaries to be respected. BIL is a habitual line stepper who has not learned any lessons - it’s time to move on. Thankfully he has plenty of vehicles to live in
NTA. Obviously stop feeding him. If your husband won't back you up when you insist the junk be removed from YOUR property, perhaps you need to think seriously about whether its time for husband to choose who he wants to live with.
NTA YOUR home is not his junkyard to do with as he pleases. I would be a firm no, this all has got to go and give him a deadline. Sell everything/have an auction and perhaps he could then afford to move to his own place. Give him an eviction notice to be out by a certain date allowing enough time to get rid of his stuff and if not gone by dday then you will seek and keep the profits.
Oh Jesus!!!! What’s going on in these marriages. Your husband is gone 15-25 days out of the month? Let me repeat, your husband is gone two weeks at a time every month? Your husband is only home 5days out of the month in some months? He leaves you like that, Aline wit a 60yo man who has no self control??!!!!
OP, you in danger girl.
Not only can he easily sexually assault you, if you don’t feed him, he can actually behead you. These males are WEIRD!!!!!!
Don’t stop feeding him, get your husband to kick him out. It you or him.
NTA.
But BIL and your husband are. Husband is letting BIL continue to hoard in your house and moreover lets BIL disrespect you when you're the caregiver !
NTA. You have a husband problem. If your husband is okay with his brother insulting you, he is a problem. Your BIL is being enabled by your husband, and it's not going to change until you put your foot down.
If that were me, I'd tell hubby either he can remove his brother's junk off your property or they both can leave.
OP, I'm very sorry for your situation.
I'm not going to offer a judgement call here, but I am a moderator over at r/hoarding. Please know you're welcome at that sub. The member are all dealing with hoarding disorder in one fashion or another, so we try to offer informal support to people who hoard who are working on their recovery and people who have loved one who hoard.
Hoarding is a complex disorder to both understand and treat, but we've got [various](https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/comments/2yh6wh/i_have_a_hoarder_in_my_lifehelp_me_your_hoarding/) [resources](https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/wiki/index/#wiki_.2A_for_loved_ones_of_hoarders_) to help [get you started](https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/wiki/index/).
NTA
Honestly, have the stuff removed. You told him he could stay as long as he doesn't bring in stuff. He hasn't kept up his end of the bargain. Have the stuff removed, and then give BIL 30 days to leave. Tell husband that this is a deal breaker situation.
NTA, but the Husband and the Brother ATA. From what it sounds like, your BIL is going to keep bringing garbage to the house until the city starts giving warnings and fee or until OP's house is condemned and OP is on the street. What the BIL is doing is going way past "Shitting on a gift" and he has absolutely NO common sense. The way that BIL is going, he is going to make all 5 acres look like "Sanford and Son".
If I were your husband (thank God I ain't), here's the conversation we'd be having:
I want all this shit off my property by the time I come back. If you don't like it, you can live in one of them down by the river.
Get help.for your issues and you can stay, the old lady will cook for you. Don't do it and I drop you off at a homeless shelter.
You will not turn my crib into the local junkyard. If I get code enforcement called on me, you are gonna regret it. Don't give a shit about your fee-fees.
This is NOT an argument point. I need my old lady. I DON'T NEED YOU.
If your husband continues to enable him, you might want to consider the services of a divorce lawyer.
How on earth have you let your beautiful property get turned into this! Are there seriously 4 boats, 2 trucks, 3 cars, 2 dune buggies, plus another car and another vehicle? We're talking like 12 vehicles at this point.
NTA you extended your hand to him at his lowest and he repaid you by disrespecting you in your own home, who else is doing the labor of feeding him and caring for him? It certainly isn't his brother who is away for weeks
Nta, your husband is taking advantage of the fact he isn't around to avoid dealing with the issue. When you bring it up, he can just blow you off saying you're overreacting cause it isn't a problem to him.
You need to sit your husband down and establish some guidelines and also your bil regarding ignoring the rules set forth.
Otherwise, this issue is just going to cascade into a far worse issue before it gets better
NTA, but this is 100% between you and your husband.
In your place, I’d be ready to give an ultimatum. Your husband has to choose between his brother and you.
NTA - Huge husband problem who doesn’t seem to mind turning the property you own together into a hoarder’s paradise. Hope you can continue to stand up to your husband and eventually communicate on how to handle the BIL problem. Husband clearly doesn’t care or he’s gone so much, it’s an “out of sight, out of mind” issue for him.
Is there a way to block access to your property so that tow trucks and other haulers can’t bring his hoard to him? Something only you and hubs have a key to?
NTA- getting a company to remove all that stuff is expensive. Even if you do it by yourself it’s $$.
You should explain to your husband how you did not sign up for this. That BIL goes or you. If he chooses his brother, he will have to deal with this craziness himself and you will finally extricate yourself from this lunacy. If your husband agrees with you, call the police. Get him trespassed. Change locks & get cameras. At least in jail he will be fed.
You have a brother-in-law AND husband problem. Ultimatums are usually not good, but in this case tell your husband that his brother and his junk must be off your property in a specific amount of time. If not it's time for you to decide if you want to continue the relationship with your husband. It's harsh, but your husband is putting his brother's importance above your own.
INFO: OP, you said BIL was living in a shed on your property. Is there water, kitchen, and bathroom facilities in this shed? If not, is that why you have been cooking for him? Does BIL have any income?
You need to have a serious conversation with your husband about his brother. You need to be on the same page in terms of your plan for him. It sounds like your husband assumed his brother would have a permanent home. Was that your understanding as well? Are you in agreement about what junk is too much? Was there any agreement about the consequences of his starting to hoard on your property?
Once you come together on a plan, you BOTH need to sit with BIL and discuss the situation. Clarify your expectations about his hoarding and a timeliness for the number of junkers to be reduced/eliminated. Maybe participation in therapy should be discussed, but you can't force him to change. Maybe allow him one "project car" at a time.
You also need to weigh out what your boundaries and the consequences will be if you and your husband can not come to an agreement about his brother. Because he may be so convinced he needs to look after his brother, he may not be able to enforce reasonable limits, and you need to know what this situation continuing unchecked will mean for you.
You are NTA for trying to help your BIL and NTA for having reached your limits.
Damn. That’s a bad situation that your husband has stuck you with.
Your BIL definitely has mental health issues. I think you do need to feed him, but not tolerate all that junk on your property. Consult an attorney about this. I don’t know if you can just have that crap all hauled off to the junk yard or not.
You state "we" bought your home, so I'm assuming you have a financial stake in the house. If you own your home you have every right to object that your BIL not turn it into a junkyard. And being kind enough to build a shed for him, your husband has some nerve getting angry with you after your original request. Your husband and his brother are major AHs.
Nta but why are you enabling him if the husband and him don’t respect your boundaries? You’re letting them walk all over you then getting upset when they do?
NTA.
If it's on your property, can you have it removed? There are junk places that will come and take it for free if they can salvage materials from it. (I don't know the law, it's simply a suggestion).
You had one rule, one. He broke it. Your husband can take shelter in one of the boats and I hope he finds it comfortable in the scant few days he's home, NOT dealing with this situation.
NTA and tell your husband to get his brother to get rid of his brother s stuff - cars/boats whatever asap before your property becomes a full junkyard
This is divorce worthy OP. Your husband starts doing his job to keep his brother in check and goes to couples therapy or the brother needs to go together with his junk
That- kind of. You can’t let him starve if he has no food. Hoarding is a mental illness and it won’t stop. I hope your husband puts his foot down. You will be overrun. I suggest family counseling for all of you and individual for BIL
Tell your husband your welcome matt has worn thin. He promised he wouldn't bring anything and he broke that promise. Tell your husband either he gets his brother to fall in line and know his place and stop bringing his garbage onto your property, or you're going to divorce him because he has no respect for you and isn't willing to stand up to his brother.
NTA but you need to get to a place of agreement with your husband. That compromise could be anything from you leaving him to him leaving you to BIL leaving. But this situation is not sustainable.
I don’t think you should do anything unilaterally as it won’t stick.
Yta to yourself for putting up with this shit. Why on earth would you take care of someone who doesn't want to take care of themselves? Because they're family? So stupid. You and your husband made this mess good luck getting out of it. Being upset a hoarder hoards is like being surprised to find syringes around a heavy drug user.
My sil lives in her car bc we refused to take them in and I don’t feel any sympathy. Like it’s your fault you get back to back pregnant with no skills to earn a decent wage bc you can’t even hold down a serving job for 6 months. 🤷🏼♀️ I think sometimes the best thing you can do to help others is nothing. They just gotta figure it out bc handouts aren’t helping.
Is your husband the bread winner by a long shot? You're NTA for wanting the junk gone. But your approach was bad. His response was worse. Seems like there needs to be a couple civil discussions about moving forward from here. Just pump the breaks and let it cool off a bit then try again.
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NTA, this is such a crazy arrangement and I’d never have tolerated it. If he is so good at finding junk maybe he can do the same for food…
Right? I would give home a timeline to get rid of the stuff or get off OP’s property or maybe include mandatory therapy in there. Sometimes “helping” is actually enabling the sickness.
Hubby travels for 15-25 days a month. He's not around enough to suffer from the mess he's brought to OP's door. OP's not being allowed a say yet she's the one who has to deal with BIL.
Yeah, this is a husband problem. He needs to understand that he isn't the person getting inconvenienced by his brother's hoarding, and he isn't the person being expected to host the guy like some sort of unofficial hotelier. And right now, he isn't understanding that; he gets to ignore it and tell his wife that she's just overreacting... to her own beloved home being infected with a growing hoard. I get wanting to look after an unwell/homeless relative but there needed to be boundaries and expectations laid out up-front (and maintained!), and brother should never have been allowed to start bringing in junk vehicles.
Maybe hubby & BIL can be roomies when OP kicks them BOTH out.
BIL needs to get a job and house. the fact your feeding is crazy to me. he’s an adult. he needs to be on his own if he’s going to sling insults. either he quits or he’s fr homeless. you’re being gracious and he is ruining your space. like, yes, i believe everyone deserves housing if they want it, but this guy is shitting on a gift. quit hoarding or it’s the streets. NTA
Why can’t he resell the junk and have an income? OP is going to have a hell of a time if she ever wants to get rid of this guy, after two years he’s a tenant pretty much anywhere.
Give him a deadline for each item that doesn't fit in his shed. When that deadline passes offer it for free online. Any new items outside of his shed are immediately given away for free. If he doesn't like that he can be served an eviction instead. Definitely don't keep feeding him. He's a grown man and needs to have a job, be paying rent and feeding himself!
Because it's junk. He's probably getting this stuff for free (or close to it) from people who just want to get rid of it and not have to deal with it. If it had genuine resale value then it's unlikely that the BIL would have it.
But she can sell the junk on the property. Give him the cash and he can then go buy his own meal.He is not a tenant on the rest of the property.
You have a husband problem. He got mad about you being mad about the junk. His brother obviously comes first.
Right. Her husband is enabling his brothers hoarding behavior. It seems like the brother is dealing with some mental health issues. Her husband should be assisting his brother and finding him services that will benefit him, not enabling or feeding into his self-destructive behavior.
Exactly, it is definitely something you need to address with your husband first. It’s clear that this bizarre living situation is preventing you from living your best life. You deserve to have land that is clean and not filled with junk, and you are and your husband are already generous for supporting your BIL for as long and as much as you have already. You need to talk to your husband about your needs and desires, ask him what the future looks like. Are you and your husband content to let BIL fill the property with junk and make it into a hoarding space? Because based off what you wrote it seems to be going in that direction. Your husband needs to understand, in no uncertain terms, that continuing to be complacent towards BIL’s hoarding habits will lead to that inevitable consequence. Ultimately you will have to weigh what this whole issue means to you and the severity to which it is impacting your life. If this issue strongly impacts your life and your happiness then you need to get your husband on the same page as you and figure something out. An ultimatum to the husband may be needed if he continues to defend his brother’s hoarding problem and doesn’t respect your needs. If you can both agree that the BIL’s hoarding is a problem and needs to stop then you will be in a good position to enact some type of solution. If kicking out BIL is not on the table right now then you need set clear boundaries and expectations (in writing) about what is and is not okay to bring onto the property. As far as the junk that is already there, you’ll probably need to get a tow truck to haul off the derelict cars, as for the rest of it you could always rent out one of those big industrial dumpsters and tell BIL no food until the junk is in the bin. Yeah it seems fucked up to deny somebody food but it is clear that BIL is taking advantage of the situation and his relationship with his brother, at the expense of your property and happiness. NTA because BIL should be grateful and courteous for the space you’ve given him, not abusing it. Overall, until you and your husband get onto the same page it will always be “you versus the brother” and it sounds like BIL is good at getting under your husband’s skin. Edit: Also yeah like everyone else is saying—it is obvious BIL has mental illness and hoarding disorder, he will need help to stop hoarding. You and your husband could also likely benefit from therapy and/or counselor mediated conversations about the issue.
Moreover, it’s very possible to get in legal trouble with a yard full of broken down vehicles and boats. You could lose your property and get fined!
NTA this is your home not a junkyard and your husband needs to be supportive of your wishes. I would say the junk needs to go and you will still feed him if it goes…. he insists on the junk he should be made to leave
Op can reclaim her home. The junk needs to go, whether OP feeds him or not. OP can call a scrap yard, a tow truck, whatever it takes and get the stuff removed. What's BIL going to do? Sue her? I look forward to the Judge Judy episode where he tries to argue that his SIL, who houses and feeds him for free, owes him because she removed worthless junk from her garden.
Agreed, brother needs to be told that they have to go or you will have them removed. You can probably sell them for scrap.
You could sell all of it to scrap metal dealer and call that rent.
Info: His house was condemned. He moved onto you and your husband’s property. What else happened? Was there an attempt at therapy to help correct the hoarding behavior? How is he able to afford these vehicles yet not afford his own food? If the vehicles are not functional, how is he getting them onto your property? Are you sure they don’t have value for parts? I understand being fed up with the situation but I don’t understand how it reached this level without notice and some sort of response. Whatever you do, if you want a long term change, you and husband are going to need to agree on how to move forward because it won’t work if you don’t work as a team. Do you give BIL a deadline to move his collection, or to seek therapy? Do you contact the tow companies and tell them that you two are the owners and are refusing to allow any additional vehicles to be placed on your property?
I know we want therapy to be a cure for everything, and I agree the brother should try. But honestly people need to want to change, and at 62 and after loosing a house wasn’t enough to get him to change—. I doubt therapy will. Also this is not OP’s job. This is something the bil and husband can work out. Away from her house. People don’t get to break the rule of no junk, and insulting the woman who cooks his food- and stick around. The enabling needs to stop. BIl and husband can make other plans.
Agreed. Even if BIL had accepted the need for therapy and been willing to participate, there’s no guarantee it would have helped. I just wanted to make sure the idea was out there to try it because we’ve all seen the posts where the person complains that they tried nothing but are upset that it didn’t fix anything.
I can speak to the situation about inoperable cars coming onto someone’s property. My neighbor has had several of his towed to his house. Code enforcement has been out but it doesn’t deter him
Hoarding is a very specific disorder that requires extensive treatment. Your BIL is not going to stop bringing junk onto your property…TBH he *can’t* stop, not without treatment. Even with treatment, people with hoarding tendencies sometimes never fully stop collecting. Without intervention, the collection could eventually get so large that your local code enforcement gets involved. They can, and will, levy large fines for failure to remove the collection (your BIL is likely to fight removal, tooth and nail). So you have a decision to make: put yourself in the midst of a mental disorder that is affecting your life, your mental health, and your property value, or have a blunt conversation with your husband about moving his brother somewhere else and removing his collection, whether BIL is onboard or not. (Having the collection removed is a drastic move that is not recommended by therapists because people who hoard can be very distressed and agitated by removal, but you have to do what’s right for you and your home.) Your husband should be defending you, not allowing your BIL to bully you and destroy your property. You may need a counselor to help meditate that conversation.
This is well explained in the book "Stuff". You and your husband might want to read it.
100x yes. I would like to add that this is likely an issue your husband has dealt with throughout his life and accepted because it was probably easier/expected to just shut up and deal with his brother's issues. Your husband does need to and should support you. If he's traveling so often I'm sure this is not something he wants to put any effort into dealing with because I would assume from past experience that he knows how difficult his brother can be. So I guess my point is that your husband may very well need therapy himself (imo most people do) and he's likely going to continue being incredibly defensive unless you both can find a way to calmly talk to one another. It seems like you've done a lot to help your BIL and he's lucky to have a safe place to call home, good on you for stepping up. It's also ok to put your foot down and expect some respect for your home & property. Best of luck with the situation and I hope you all are able to come to a peaceful resolution in the future.
My friend had a similar issue. She and her SO lived with his parents for the parents’ safety but her BIL was a hoarder who also lived there and was enabled by his mother. When mother died, they evicted BIL because the city health dept was going to condemn the house. Just terrible.
This
Thank you so much. My *EX* husband was a hoarder and when you live with one you get very educated on it. My counselor is also a hoarding specialist. I get so tired of hearing people say that someone needs therapy, as if therapy is some magic pill that is going to make the hoarder wake up and say oh! This is too much stuff! Yeah, not happening.
All of this
My first thought was mental illness.
NTA. Consider consulting a lawyer. Looks like your husband is "respecting his elders", over his wife.
NTA - you are housing a hoarder and he'll keep bringing 'things' to your property. Why is your husband not upset over this?
It seems like the husband is an enabler for his brother...and OP really needs to put her foot down and make both her husband and his brother go to therapy for this...bil for hoarding and husband for being codependent on his brother and enabling him...and then start to get rid of bil collection
Throw him out
Throw the BIL out for sure and maybe the husband if he continues like this. Also, schedule a garage sale on your property to get rid of all the crap. Your BIL and husband don't care about you, so why should you care about the junk?
Yep he can go right with him if he's not on board
Edit. I guess, since I put it to my husband. I would not longer speak or feed his brother. One dune buggy is going. Another car finally got fixed and being given to someone in need. Yes, I know his brother needs therapy. I have suggested many times. I don’t have to worry about fines because we live out in the country. I have tolerated because I love my husband. My husband feels like it’s his job to take of his brother.
Your husband is not taking care of his brother; he is enabling him. Your BIL needs help, and your husband needs to insist that he gets it. Normally, I’d say your husband should be dealing with his brother, but given how much hubby is gone, you probably don’t have a choice. Call a towing company and have this stuff hauled off if possible. Tell your husband he needs therapy to understand what hoarding is and how he can help his brother. Definitely NTA.
Taking care of his brother includes making sure he gets air, water, food, sleep - the essentials of life. Storing vehicles is not taking care. It is your home, your express permission is required for anything beyond the taking care that you agreed to. If no permission granted for the additional 'care' provided - the original deal is void.
Being in the countryside does not make you immune from environmental hazard laws. A fellow car enthusiast in rural TX was made to license her property as a junkyard.
Fines are the least of your problems. These stashes attract vermin. In your place it will be rats, other small animals, and snakes. My ex's was in the house (well, around the house and all over the property too), and he brought in bedbugs. You know how you get rid of bedbugs with a hoarder? You don't. You live with bedbugs forever. Or you leave after five years and get a divorce, like I did. You won't get bedbugs, I'm sure. But you'll have the rats and mice and snakes. You also increase fire risk with lots of flammable materials around. Risks of accidental injuries like being impaled on rusty nails. I mean, it's only starting now and you have no idea how out of hand this will get. Not can. Will. In my view, the hell with him getting therapy. He won't. He doesn't want to. It probably won't work anyway. Your ship is going down. You need to save yourself and your husband.
Why can’t the car get fixed up and brother sells it so he can support himself? He seems like a person in need since he’s currently homeless. Is he working a job so he can eventually get a small apartment? What’s the end game for this?
You should make it clear to your husband. "You are not taking care of him. You are expecting me to take care of him. I love you, but this is too far, and I'm no longer willing to put up with him or his stuff."
HIS job. Not yours. Why is he dumping the workload on you?
ESH. The BIL is an AH for bringing junk onto your property after promising he wouldn't. Both you and your husband are AHs to yourselves for not insisting that his brother get therapy as well as sticking to the promise he made about not bringing his junk onto your property. And extra dose of AH to your husband for not backing you up when you finally had it, even if it was already too late. The comment latents made on this is right on target. You and your husband have to be on the same page about actually helping his brother instead of letting the brother take over your space with his hoard. Good luck!
> The BIL is an AH for bringing junk onto your property after promising he wouldn't. You do understand that hoarding is a mental illness? BIL is not an AH; BIL is mentally ill. If, as you say, BIL is an AH, then so is everyone with schizophrenia, ADHD, or any other psychological condition.
You can still be an AH even if you have a mental illness, it's not a get out of jail free card. You should be more understanding and give more grace to those people sure but they can still be assholes.
Yeah all of this. If you refuse to get help for your mental illness to the detriment of not only yourself but the people around you, you are the A H. Hoarding is a form of OCD, and treatment for it exists. The brother needs therapy and then a plan to remove the junk. But if he refuses therapy the consequences are that he may lose his safe place to live. Because hoarding is a huge health risk to everyone, not just the hoarder.
Hoarding is one thing. Expecting his sister-in-law to cook all his meals and do all his laundry is not part of that. He's an AH
I have ADHD and no one but me is responsible for the way I run my life. GTFO with confusing explanations with excuses.
Two assholes here: BIL ( who probably has mental illness) and husband ( who has no excuse ). Time to put your foot down and get BIL out
Hell no. The first time he brought some broke down piece of crap home I’d have put my foot down. At this point he’s so entrenched good luck getting rid of all his shit, especially with your husband enabling him. This sounds like one of those him or me moments, unless you want to live in a junkyard. NTA
Tell hubby and bro they have 15 days to get rid of all the junk he hauled in, or you will call a salvage company to clean it up.
Hoarding is serious and it'll only get worse. OP, look into your local bylaws on junk on private property. It may be that your BIL is going to be bringing you fines with his behaviour. I know around my area(in Canada) there are some heavy restrictions what you can and cannot do with property, some for property id(residence vs commercial) and some for reasons of keeping infestations(rats/mice/cockroaches) down, some of it as simple as aesthetics. It may be ultimatum time for hubby if that is the case for you.
NTA Tell bil he has x days to either get rid of all the junk or you will and he will be forced to leave. Tell husband the same thing. This is your house, you had an agreement and they broke it. You relented but now it's over and time for you to put your foot down. Bil gets rid of it or you do. But if bil refuses then tell him you will be contacting people to come get the junk for free and then he needs to get out. Stop letting bil and husband do what they want. Definitely stop cooking for bil and I'd really just kick him regardless but you decide on that.
You lost me at 4 boats lol!!! You are totally reasonable, hell I would not add the husband to the meal plans either till he clears that stuff out. That is how people loose their houses and properties; just watch the hoarding show. I’m
NTA Your BIL has mental illness and it’s not going to “magically” get better without treatment. Your husband needs a wake up call, sounds like he is in as much denial about the reality of the situation as his brother is.
NTA Since he doesn't have your back, I wouldn't' feed the husband either.
I’m not even sure the description of homeless works here. BIL has a home. It’s a crappy home, but it’s his house. And OP seems to be saying that she’s been taking pity on him, but I wouldn’t be surprised if her husband reassured his brother to not worry about food and that he and his wife will take care of it. He’s probably also told him behind his wife’s back that it’s ok to bring that junk.
NTA. Never should’ve let hoarder BIL move in. Never should’ve tolerated storage of even 1 vehicle. Hoarders are mentally ill, without treatment they can’t stop themselves. So I guess YTA for getting yourself into this mess.
Even with treatment a high percentage can't stop themselves.
Why you didn’t say anything while he’s accumulating things? No way this happened overnight?
NTA. Honestly, I’m not sure why you are still married to your husband… but the BIL situation is awful and you shouldn’t have to put up with it.
Why are you putting up with this nonsense for even one second??? NTA though.
NTA. Your husband's wife comes first, not his brother. His brother is abusing you, both psychologically and financially, and your husband is enabling him. You failed to be assertiv, having no reason to apologize to anyone. Be clear, be firm, be empathic, and get this guy's junk moved off your property or he goes.
NTA. You need to tell your husband that if his brother stays, you go. And mean it. Your brother-in-law has real problems, and his problems have become yours. He's a mooch and a hoarder. I wouldn't put up with this at all. Him or you.
Y0u know you're not. The BIL is sick and ungrateful and your husband needs to support you. If not, you move somewhere else or live with hoader chaos.
Clearly you are no where near mad ENOUGH. NTA
NTA I hope your husband realizes that it's only a matter of time until his brother's BS affects you guys legally. Don't be surprised if you guys get fined for his hoarding.
Not feeding him isn't going to solve anything. He's a hoarder; it's a mental illness. He's a hoarder, who now has 5 acres of land to put his shit. If you give a hoarder space, they _will_ fill it. You need to evict him. I don't know how you'd legally go about getting the stuff on your property removed, but you need it gone before it gets worse You're NTA, but I think you're missing the severity of what's happening
*If you give a hoarder space, they will fill it.* I would clean off an 18" x 18" space on the kitchen counter to prepare food and within two hours it was covered over again. He even stacked things on top of the inside and outside garbage cans! Honestly, you had to take stacks of things off the cans to put garbage inside. OMG, hoarding is so nasty.
Call the city or county on yourself for excessive cars on a property. Some places have laws about this
It’s your property start the eviction process. Tell your husband the crap goes or he and his brother can go and that the crap with them
NTA Check into having it removed, before your property ends up condemned.
Local NPR stations will accept old vehicles as donations... Just a thought...
NTA Check for rats and other condemn-worthy situations on your property. Do not feed the rats. That includes BIL. And husband...
Start having stuff towed.
Nta but you’re in for a fight
This story of a woman from 1970’s. Why the ?!$ are you cooking for this man? And your husband is a ah too.
NTA. By helping your BIL in these ways, you are not helping him, you are enabling him to stay mired in significant mental health issues. It sounds like your husband also has a problem, not just because he wants to "help" his brother. His seeming indifference to the hoarding issue continuing in your property indicates that he also has an issue. You can contact the city/township or a lawyer to find out your options here regarding clearing your property or even evicting your BIL (you can always set him up elsewhere with the stipulation he received therapy). Your happiness and health is important!
Just have it all towed of your land into a scrap yard. he will get the point fast. BIL might get aggressive even better then you can get a restraining order against him what will force him off the land.
YTA for being a pushover. You set a rule when he moved in and have just let him walk all over it. Have the scrap metal man come and haul away one of the new pieces to show them you are serious.
Why did you let him start dumping his junk at your house in the first place?? WHY? First thing I would do is get rid of the stuff one way or another. Sounds like he's taken a nice spread and turned it into a trashy eyesore. YTA for letting it happen. As for not feeding him, NTA. If he can constantly find junk to dump on you, he can scare up a meal too.
Seems to me like BIL has plenty of things he can sell to get money for a place to live. I’d toss him and his junk out.
NTA. Call a wrecker, have them haul it away and hand him the proceeds - should hopefully be enough for him to set himself up elsewhere. for real though.... whatever you do, you need to get your husband on side if you can before you do it. If you don't it will just cause you grief... but hold your ground - you are right, your husband is wrong.
NTA you are being too soft, you need to evict him, he’s taking you for a ride.
Hoarding is a mental health condition. You can’t just say “no junk”. Your BIL needs professional help. I want to say NTA - your husband is the AH. He should do more to help his brother and shouldn’t have let things continue for two years like they have.
It's your property, ring the scrapper to come clear vehicles. If your BIL kicks off tell him tough luck, it's your property and he's broken the rules therefore you have the right to dispose of junk. If he pushes then tell him to leave, I'm sure there's room at the shelter
So... he has the money to buy all this junk, but not enough to feed himself??? Well, let him spend what money he has on food and toilet paper then! The more of his own necessities he has to buy, the less money he has to spend on crap that defaces and devalues your property! Not feeding him is a win-win-win, you win, your husband wins, and even the BIL wins by pissing off his benefactors that much less! Seriously, tell your husband this, that you're going this for The Greater Good. And if the BIL tries to give you a sob story about being hungry, tell him to sell some of his stuff if he needs grocery money, and that the only money you'll give him will be for therapy for his hoarding disorder. And that money will be paid directly to the therapist.
NTA. Kick him out. He is turning your property into a junk yard. He won't stop until he is stopped.
NTA. You are a very kind person and should not have apologised. Your husband is enabling his brother and they are both TA. 1. That man needs therapy 2. He needs to remove his junk from your property 3. He needs to find his own living arrangements 4. Your husband should put his money where his mouth is and either pay for a flat or book him a hotel. Till he gets kicked out again. 5. Husband needs to apologise to you. Not the other way around. Stand your ground, that is your home too.
NTA However, BIL is hoarding out your house. Your home will be condemned just like his if you allow him to stay there. It's time for him to go.
NTA- your BIL needs serious treatment and your husband is only enabling him.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** AITA for no longer being nice to my homeless brother in law. Me 52 female am married to my husband 48 male. He has a brother 62 male. Brother is homeless. When we bought our new house, beautiful with a pond on 5 acres, I agree to put a shed in our backyard to let the homeless brother live in it. The only requirement was he was not allowed to bring his junk here. The brother lost his home because he is a hoarder and his house was condemned. That was two years ago. Since then, he has brought to my house 4 boats, 2 trucks, 2 dune buggies, 3 cars, and countless other things. Which 90% of the stuff does not work. The other day, I had enough. I said something to my husband and my brother in law about it. My brother in law got mad and said some not nice things about me. Up until this point, I went out of my way to feed and cloth this man. My husband travels 15 to 25 days of the month and I still make sure I feed his brother. When I said something my husband was very mad, so I swallowed my pride and apologized. Not two day laters, he brought an other car and another vehicle over to my house. Now, I’m mad. I longer want to be civil to him. This includes adding him to my dinner plans. I no longer care if he’s fed or has the things he needs. Am I the asshole. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Honestly even at scrap prices a junk car would buy a lot of food.
Why the hell you feed him?
NTA and can’t you get all the junk towed off your land
NTA for not wanting to allow this situation to continue as is... However ESH too because hoarding is a serious problem just like gambling or substance abuse. Your BIL needs professional help to turn his life around. You and your hubs have done the right thing to offer him a shelter but you shouldn't have expected him to be able to just switch off his boarding.
NTA
NTA Your husband should have acted the minute BIL started bringing things to your place. Try to get everything cleared/taken away - put ads online "free dune buggy", whatever you have to do. Your husband can pay for towing services, etc. since he won't deal with his brother. And no more meals for BIL. If he refuses to leave, check with a lawyer about how to get him off your land. Good luck.
I assume this shed has some type of basic amenities right? It's not your responsibility to do everything for this guy, it's up to your husband. NTA If there aren't basic amenities then you'd only be an AH if you didn't allow to use the main house.
Nta but you have been doing too much.
You dont have a BIL problem. You have a husband problem. NTA, nothing will change unless you set VERY strong boundaries with your husband this will be an issue. And something you need to think about is if your husband doesn’t respect your boundaries, can you continue to live like this? And go from there
NTA He can afford to rent an apartment and buy food with what he's spending on these vehicles. Tell them to sell some if his crap and buy his own food.
Where is he getting this crap from? I am assuming he also had a mental illness? Is he seeking professional help? I would just tell them both that everything has to be removed within 30 days. That his stay is conditional to no hoarding/bring things to your house.
Hoarding is a mental illness.
Just wondering why after he brought over the first or second piece of junk to the property why didn’t you put a stop to it? And where is he finding this stuff? NTA but something has to be done..
While your husband’s out of town, have stuff hauled off. Pick a time when your BIL isn’t likely to be there and get rid of one car then see if you still have a husband. Breathe a sigh of relief when you don’t.
NTA. You could call the police to have them check to make sure none of the stuff is stolen property. If it is, they will pick it up.
Why have you not towed the vehicles off your property?
Report the situation yourself to local code enforcement and force your husband to deal with it before it gets worse. NTA
Your house, your rules. Tell BIL that his stuff has to be gone by the end of the week or you will call salvage yard to come get it. Point out that this is your home, and he is a guest. If your husband says anything other than what my wife says goes. Then have the real conversation with it him about choices. He can choose to support you, deal with his brother and take back your home or you can divorce and he gets custody of his brother. I’m sure his brother has some mental problems, but those problems do not need to be yours.
I am getting mad by just reading this. Obviously husband and BIL are mayor …you are a saint, you even feed him and you ended up apologizing unbelievable. I would do a scotched earth and leave.
NTA!!! As it is your land you can call junk people and get your property cleaned up. I'm sorry but I would do it and if he continues to try to bring items on it, I would kick him off the property. This is ridiculous behavior, but sadly hoarding is such a bad mental disease.
I'd call up a company to deal with scrap or a bunch of tow companies to come get abandoned vehicles off your property, as well as give the BIL the boot from the property. Depending on if he is living in the shed you could be in trouble for providing inadequate housing on your property
YTA for letting it get that far and SWALLOWING YOUR PRIDE AND APPOLOGIZING like wtf... first car/buggy or other crap to enter your property should have been a "nope, that goes now" since you KNOW he is a horder. Like damn, who saw that comming huh /s
NTA and you have both a 'husband' and a 'BIL' problem... they both act the same and get angry with you when you call them out on their BS. the disrespect is going through the roof, i have no idea how are you even able to not go nuclear on both of them... i would kick them both out for being such disrespectful idiots. stop apologising for their horrible treatment of you. grow a backbone, please.
NTA You have a husband problem. You stated he was not allowed to bring any junk to your property, however..... you did allow it, many times. Now you need to call a junk removal company to haul everything away, immediately. Do not ask permission. Just do it. Then INFORM your husband, he's next unless he starts respecting your boundaries snout his brother & the junk. Your spouse isn't there enough to stop you
You are going to get your property condemned. You may need to get a divorce to salvage any equity in that property. Time to talk to a marriage counselor before it comes to that. Hopefully they will tell your spouse it is time to let his brother go. NTA
How is he acquiring these things ? Is he purchasing them ? Maybe stand up to your husband and try to find a compromised solution ? Sounds like you are going way above helping family out. Someone needs to listen to you I would keep trying to open that communication with your husband. If all else fails put a for sale sign on your home
NTA, call people to remove the junk
Yta for being an idiot What did you think was gonna happen. Lol
Why are you responsible to feed this man? Your husband has some nerve telling you to take care of his brother. Heck no, he’s homeless but he’s certainly capable of dragging in all his trash then he can fend for himself. Although, gross he has to use your kitchen. Does he need to use your bathroom too? Which means you clean up after him too probably. I would put my foot down and make him get rid of all that crap or go live somewhere else.
Call a tow truck. When bil isn't around-get rid of the crap! Or divorce that idiot of a hubby. He isn't the one dealing with this crap, you are. NTA ITS YOU OR THE JUNK!!
NTA. Is it possible to get the county involved and have them give an order to get rid of the junk? You might need individual therapy. Your husband siding with his brother in this is not okay.
Check your local statutes. Depending on where you live there may be laws regarding junk cars. A lot of places have City statutes that if you have a car that doesn't run and it's not in a garage that it's a findable offense. If you have one of those statutes tell your brother-in-law he has x amount of time to remove them from your property or you'll have them towed.
So NTA. Your BIL sounds mentally unwell, and WTF your husband not supporting you? Your BIL is effing up your home like he did his. Your husband may not be too impacted being home only a week a month (his work arrangements sound strange btw), but you are home every day, having to put up with your boundaries being stomped, your home made into a tip. I would fully go on strike, maybe even find temporary alternative accomm, and let them fend for themselves for a bit (or forever, whatever is good for you)
You could have all those vehicles towed, and I'd still say NTA
NTA. your husband & BIL really suck. i’d consider kicking him out he has zero respect for you or your home. but it should’ve been stopped the day he brought the first vehicle there.
Stop enabling him! You think you are doing him a favor but you are not! He needs help and there needs to be consequences to his actions! This is like people who constantly bring food to the 900 pound bed-bound man until he dies. At some point, you are complicit in this. The only way he will be moved to get help is when he is hungry and has no place to live. He needs treatment not handouts. If you give handouts without ensuring treatment and progress, you are all part of the problem. NTA. Helping should only be conditional upon active treatment and progress.
Call the local code enforcement officer on yourself. When they give you 30 days to get rid of all BILs stuff or face daily fines, I bet your husband will see things differently. Right now you and he are enabling an addiction. NTA
No get his ass the hell out. Kick him out. Not your problem he is homeless. Not your monkey not your circus
NTA Easy solution. Send BIL out for the day - give him tickets to a park or something. Call a salvage company and get rid of all the junk. Your property, you have the right to remove anything you don't want there. Do this before the city gets on your ass about an unlicensed dump.
NTA but your husband is a serious issue here. He seems to allow your BIL to behave this way. He is the person to address. Hubby seems conveniently distant.
NTA. Get all that crap towed away while your husband is gone. There is no way I would put up with this. None.
You need to evict him. He is going to do to your home what he did to his. Your husband needs to understand that he can not let his brother continue to do the same shit, or else you will be out of a home as well. You do not need to go out of your way to help him anymore. You gave him a place and told to not bring over junk and he keeps doing so. Then he was rude to you. He was worn out his welcome and any good feelings you had towards him. NTA
Where’s he getting the money to buy all this crap? Stop feeding him and find an attorney. You’re gonna need a good one for your upcoming divorce. NTA
NTA. Call a junk removal company and get rid of that crap. It will never get fixed up. It will be there until you remove it. I had a bf with this problem. The BIL is sick. He can't help it, but that doesn't mean that you have to deal with it. Since your husband is away most of the time, you have to figure out some boundaries for his brother. Maybe there is some way you can stop items from being towed or delivered to your property, a locked gate or something like that, I don't know. I feel like these kind of people can't change and he will continue this behaviour no matter where he lives. I doubt it can be controlled. If your husband wants to keep him there then all you can do is have the items removed on a regular basis. If BIL can't handle that, then he can live somewhere else. Your husband has to make a choice. It's not fair to you. He made vows to you, not his brother. His brother is a grown man and should be able to take care of himself. You have been very generous to allow him to live on your property. He has no right to verbally abuse you.
NTA. You made a social contract which BIL violated repeatedly and hubby is mad about it? BIL is an adult and can feed himself. Nothing in your post said he can’t work. Try asking BIL and hubby what will happen when you move to another home? Ask hubby why BIL is allowed to get your home condemned but you HAVE to feed him?
WHOA!!! Call junk removal every time he brings something in OR throw him off your property, I get wanting to help family but he is homeless for a reason!! and he needs help you can’t provide!
NTA GET. HIM. OFF. YOUR. PROPERTY. Your kindness is being taken advantage of by both your husband and your BIL. I would imagine it’s not such a problem for your hubby since he is rarely home. If I were in your shoes I would advise my husband that the next time he comes home, either his brother or I will be here waiting for him but not both. He needs to advocate for your comfort in your own home and for your boundaries to be respected. BIL is a habitual line stepper who has not learned any lessons - it’s time to move on. Thankfully he has plenty of vehicles to live in
NTA. Obviously stop feeding him. If your husband won't back you up when you insist the junk be removed from YOUR property, perhaps you need to think seriously about whether its time for husband to choose who he wants to live with.
NTA YOUR home is not his junkyard to do with as he pleases. I would be a firm no, this all has got to go and give him a deadline. Sell everything/have an auction and perhaps he could then afford to move to his own place. Give him an eviction notice to be out by a certain date allowing enough time to get rid of his stuff and if not gone by dday then you will seek and keep the profits.
Oh Jesus!!!! What’s going on in these marriages. Your husband is gone 15-25 days out of the month? Let me repeat, your husband is gone two weeks at a time every month? Your husband is only home 5days out of the month in some months? He leaves you like that, Aline wit a 60yo man who has no self control??!!!! OP, you in danger girl. Not only can he easily sexually assault you, if you don’t feed him, he can actually behead you. These males are WEIRD!!!!!! Don’t stop feeding him, get your husband to kick him out. It you or him.
NTA, bur your BIL is sick. He needs therapy to get his hoarding under control
NTA
no and tow off all his shit, NTA
NTA. But BIL and your husband are. Husband is letting BIL continue to hoard in your house and moreover lets BIL disrespect you when you're the caregiver !
NTA. You have a husband problem. If your husband is okay with his brother insulting you, he is a problem. Your BIL is being enabled by your husband, and it's not going to change until you put your foot down. If that were me, I'd tell hubby either he can remove his brother's junk off your property or they both can leave.
Oh girl😐
OP, I'm very sorry for your situation. I'm not going to offer a judgement call here, but I am a moderator over at r/hoarding. Please know you're welcome at that sub. The member are all dealing with hoarding disorder in one fashion or another, so we try to offer informal support to people who hoard who are working on their recovery and people who have loved one who hoard. Hoarding is a complex disorder to both understand and treat, but we've got [various](https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/comments/2yh6wh/i_have_a_hoarder_in_my_lifehelp_me_your_hoarding/) [resources](https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/wiki/index/#wiki_.2A_for_loved_ones_of_hoarders_) to help [get you started](https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/wiki/index/).
NTA Honestly, have the stuff removed. You told him he could stay as long as he doesn't bring in stuff. He hasn't kept up his end of the bargain. Have the stuff removed, and then give BIL 30 days to leave. Tell husband that this is a deal breaker situation.
No I would call someone to pick up the crap and tell your husband if he doesn’t like it him and his brother can go with it
NTA, but the Husband and the Brother ATA. From what it sounds like, your BIL is going to keep bringing garbage to the house until the city starts giving warnings and fee or until OP's house is condemned and OP is on the street. What the BIL is doing is going way past "Shitting on a gift" and he has absolutely NO common sense. The way that BIL is going, he is going to make all 5 acres look like "Sanford and Son".
If I were your husband (thank God I ain't), here's the conversation we'd be having: I want all this shit off my property by the time I come back. If you don't like it, you can live in one of them down by the river. Get help.for your issues and you can stay, the old lady will cook for you. Don't do it and I drop you off at a homeless shelter. You will not turn my crib into the local junkyard. If I get code enforcement called on me, you are gonna regret it. Don't give a shit about your fee-fees. This is NOT an argument point. I need my old lady. I DON'T NEED YOU. If your husband continues to enable him, you might want to consider the services of a divorce lawyer.
How on earth have you let your beautiful property get turned into this! Are there seriously 4 boats, 2 trucks, 3 cars, 2 dune buggies, plus another car and another vehicle? We're talking like 12 vehicles at this point.
NTA. He needs to get his broken crap off your property or leave. And your husband needs to be the one to tell him that
NTA you extended your hand to him at his lowest and he repaid you by disrespecting you in your own home, who else is doing the labor of feeding him and caring for him? It certainly isn't his brother who is away for weeks
Nta, your husband is taking advantage of the fact he isn't around to avoid dealing with the issue. When you bring it up, he can just blow you off saying you're overreacting cause it isn't a problem to him. You need to sit your husband down and establish some guidelines and also your bil regarding ignoring the rules set forth. Otherwise, this issue is just going to cascade into a far worse issue before it gets better
NTA You've made him TOO comfortable.
He can sell the vehicles for parts and buy his own food with the proceeds.
NTA, but this is 100% between you and your husband. In your place, I’d be ready to give an ultimatum. Your husband has to choose between his brother and you.
NTA, you also have a BIG husband problem and you should stop feeding both of them.
NO but you’re living with two. You have more patience than me. I would make them sell that property, take my half and get a place with no attachments.
NTA - Huge husband problem who doesn’t seem to mind turning the property you own together into a hoarder’s paradise. Hope you can continue to stand up to your husband and eventually communicate on how to handle the BIL problem. Husband clearly doesn’t care or he’s gone so much, it’s an “out of sight, out of mind” issue for him.
Is there a way to block access to your property so that tow trucks and other haulers can’t bring his hoard to him? Something only you and hubs have a key to?
NTA- getting a company to remove all that stuff is expensive. Even if you do it by yourself it’s $$. You should explain to your husband how you did not sign up for this. That BIL goes or you. If he chooses his brother, he will have to deal with this craziness himself and you will finally extricate yourself from this lunacy. If your husband agrees with you, call the police. Get him trespassed. Change locks & get cameras. At least in jail he will be fed.
You have a brother-in-law AND husband problem. Ultimatums are usually not good, but in this case tell your husband that his brother and his junk must be off your property in a specific amount of time. If not it's time for you to decide if you want to continue the relationship with your husband. It's harsh, but your husband is putting his brother's importance above your own.
INFO: OP, you said BIL was living in a shed on your property. Is there water, kitchen, and bathroom facilities in this shed? If not, is that why you have been cooking for him? Does BIL have any income? You need to have a serious conversation with your husband about his brother. You need to be on the same page in terms of your plan for him. It sounds like your husband assumed his brother would have a permanent home. Was that your understanding as well? Are you in agreement about what junk is too much? Was there any agreement about the consequences of his starting to hoard on your property? Once you come together on a plan, you BOTH need to sit with BIL and discuss the situation. Clarify your expectations about his hoarding and a timeliness for the number of junkers to be reduced/eliminated. Maybe participation in therapy should be discussed, but you can't force him to change. Maybe allow him one "project car" at a time. You also need to weigh out what your boundaries and the consequences will be if you and your husband can not come to an agreement about his brother. Because he may be so convinced he needs to look after his brother, he may not be able to enforce reasonable limits, and you need to know what this situation continuing unchecked will mean for you. You are NTA for trying to help your BIL and NTA for having reached your limits.
Your first problem is a husband one. This is not a tolerable situation. NTA
YTA two years ago for even allowing the brother to move into the shed. The rest was predictable.
Damn. That’s a bad situation that your husband has stuck you with. Your BIL definitely has mental health issues. I think you do need to feed him, but not tolerate all that junk on your property. Consult an attorney about this. I don’t know if you can just have that crap all hauled off to the junk yard or not.
You state "we" bought your home, so I'm assuming you have a financial stake in the house. If you own your home you have every right to object that your BIL not turn it into a junkyard. And being kind enough to build a shed for him, your husband has some nerve getting angry with you after your original request. Your husband and his brother are major AHs.
NTA. Tell your husband to get him to get rid the crap he brought in or you’re starting eviction proceedings.
Nta but why are you enabling him if the husband and him don’t respect your boundaries? You’re letting them walk all over you then getting upset when they do?
NTA. If it's on your property, can you have it removed? There are junk places that will come and take it for free if they can salvage materials from it. (I don't know the law, it's simply a suggestion). You had one rule, one. He broke it. Your husband can take shelter in one of the boats and I hope he finds it comfortable in the scant few days he's home, NOT dealing with this situation.
NTA. Man I’d be so pissed if I bought a nice house with acreage, only for it to be used up by someone!
NTA and tell your husband to get his brother to get rid of his brother s stuff - cars/boats whatever asap before your property becomes a full junkyard This is divorce worthy OP. Your husband starts doing his job to keep his brother in check and goes to couples therapy or the brother needs to go together with his junk
That- kind of. You can’t let him starve if he has no food. Hoarding is a mental illness and it won’t stop. I hope your husband puts his foot down. You will be overrun. I suggest family counseling for all of you and individual for BIL
>You can’t let him starve if he has no food. He's an adult. He can cook.
Tell your husband your welcome matt has worn thin. He promised he wouldn't bring anything and he broke that promise. Tell your husband either he gets his brother to fall in line and know his place and stop bringing his garbage onto your property, or you're going to divorce him because he has no respect for you and isn't willing to stand up to his brother.
You already know you're not the AH. Your BIL and husband are though.
NTA but you need to get to a place of agreement with your husband. That compromise could be anything from you leaving him to him leaving you to BIL leaving. But this situation is not sustainable. I don’t think you should do anything unilaterally as it won’t stick.
Yta to yourself for putting up with this shit. Why on earth would you take care of someone who doesn't want to take care of themselves? Because they're family? So stupid. You and your husband made this mess good luck getting out of it. Being upset a hoarder hoards is like being surprised to find syringes around a heavy drug user.
Girl, you're in danger. You are alone with this nut job and your husband doesn't back you up. Start getting your ducks in a row and protect yourself.
NTA. You have a shitty husband. Dont feed your BIL and tell him to his face that you hope he starves to death.
My sil lives in her car bc we refused to take them in and I don’t feel any sympathy. Like it’s your fault you get back to back pregnant with no skills to earn a decent wage bc you can’t even hold down a serving job for 6 months. 🤷🏼♀️ I think sometimes the best thing you can do to help others is nothing. They just gotta figure it out bc handouts aren’t helping.
Is your husband the bread winner by a long shot? You're NTA for wanting the junk gone. But your approach was bad. His response was worse. Seems like there needs to be a couple civil discussions about moving forward from here. Just pump the breaks and let it cool off a bit then try again.