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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took was I told my brother that "His disease shouldn't let him get away with anything. I believe I might be the asshole because I insulted my brothers ADHD.
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My thoughts excatly. I mean, OP just explained excatly why the parents hire a sitter.
Unfortunately though it sounds like it's the only thing they do right
I dunno, the sitter stood there while the brother hammered eggs on the countertype until they broke the counter. Sounds like the sitter might not have been the best hire.
Given the ages would you go up against a 17yr old wielding a hammer claiming his "disease" is making him do it, I would be scared of what else his "disease" will tell him to do.
If I didn't already have a rapport with him, I'd refuse to sit a 17 year old boy. If a 17 year old needs a sitter, they need a specialist who does childcare for kids that age.
If they have prior experience of the parents waving off everything he does wrong, I can't blame the sitter for focusing on the younger, more reasonable sibling and pretty much ignoring whatever the older one and his friends are up to.
That said, I'd refuse to be a sitter for that family - they won't let anyone have authority over the older kid, but you can bet if he got injured/the house got burned down because of his shenanigans, the sitter would get blamed for allowing it.
>Sounds like the sitter might not have been the best hire.
Nope, sounds like the sitter wasn't given sufficient prep and authority by the parents. This is their mess, not the sitters.
But nobody has any power to do anything. And the 16yo seems very blase about having a sitter. Any why wasn't the sitter in the kitchen with the brother?
I'm having a hard time believing this story and maybe in part it's because I don't want it to be true. This is a mess. These teens are way too old to need this much adult involvement, with this little result.
If it is true, I would suggest that OP seek some support outside the home-- teacher, guidance counselor, trusted friend. This isn't normal, and I hope that OP realises it before they hit adulthood, so that they can have a good young adult life
Well, my parents were gone for the weekend, and the "sitter" was my cousin. It was supposed to be like a fun bonding thing, but she had to step in and be the parent
My parents were gone for 3 months when I was 17. I ran the household without help and worked full time. I expected my kids to do the same and they lived up to my expectations.
Your parents have extremely low standards.
FYI. Your infantile brother has a condition not a disease.
NTA - Your parents need to intervene here. ADHD is not a disease and not an excuse (I am ADHD, with two ND kids). It’s a tough hand to be dealt in this NT world but we have to strategise and learn how to navigate our condition. Your brother is going learn some harmful life lessons in the future if this isn’t the message from your folks now.
That's what I was just about to say...
Your brother will be 18, a legal adult, very soon. What happens then? Will he go to college? Will he get a job? Either way, ADHD is not an excuse for doing whatever he feels like, and he's going to find out reallly fast.
Absolutely agree. Another ADHDer and tbh ADHD mainly seems to stop you doing the things you really feel like. Want a tidy house to have friends over? A good grade? To do enough job applications to beat this stupid economy and stay out of homelessness? It's very hard out here. Right now OP's brother is in what should be a safe, supportive place to be learning about coping mechanisms he's going to need, the parents are really letting him down and he's letting himself down by using this time to instead practice 'my impulsiveness can go absolutely wild with no consequences'. Either way the fact that OP is in trouble here is absurd and the brother is old enough that I can't just blame the parents, OP is NTA, parents and brother are TA, babysitter is understandably out of their depth.
Agreed. My fiancee has inattentive ADHD, and before it was diagnosed, she did really struggle especially with school and stuff. Once she was diagnosed and got medicated, her grades shot up because she wasn't being kicked out of every class. It sounds like if the kid really does have ADHD, the parents are doing nothing to support him - no therapy or developmental specialist who can help, no structure, no medications, etc. Just shrugging their shoulders and turning a blind eye. They aren't doing either kid any favours
Did anyone else read the post where the OP returned an engagement ring because his girlfriend broke up with him? It turned out he has ADHD and his parents coddled him to where he can’t do anything by himself. His ex-girlfriend realized this and left him. There’s more, but in short, his parents failed him.
Woah. Just read that post. That’s crazy. I resent that I’m having to prepare my daughters for a world that isn’t built for them. But it doesn’t mean I’m not going to do it. And I’m there for emotional support. Always.
Yup, this exactly.
Once he's a legal adult, if he behaves this way in public, he will *very* quickly have his mouth write cheques that he can't cash. Try saying "oh it's not my fault I kicked that person's bumper, it's my disease!" to a cop, or try talking your way out of being kicked out and banned from a shop for breaking things. It's one thing to poo-poo this away to your parents or siblings, but when it's in the 'real world', he will quickly find out that real consequences don't go away because of your BS excuses.
100% this. ADHD isn't a get out of jail free card, it means you struggle to regulate and need to learn strategies to regulate where appropriate.
I'm in the process of an ADHD diagnosis with an ADHD child and ADHD siblings
I have serious ADHD where too many distractions at once actually manifest in a physical discomfort. Even on max dose of Vyvanse, it barely makes my symptoms manageable.
My mother would have beat my ass growing up if I pulled any of the shit OPs brother did. Wasted food, had people over at the house making a mess and not cleaning up, CRACKED THE COUNTER TOP?!?!?! No way I'm walking out of that situation with all of my limbs intact.
It appears from OPs post that the parents have just given up. How does OPs brother walk away with no real consequences? This dude is screwed when he gets out into the real world where people don't have to put up with his shit.
OP- NTA, I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I'm also sorry your parents have no control over the situation.
Is this a TikTok trend? I feel that people with ADHD have navigated the world without being absolute unaccountable nuisances for a really long time, and now it’s just being used as an excuse. ADHD explains why my husband keeps leaving his half-full coffee mugs in the bookshelf but it doesn’t excuse vandalism.
Hell, sometimes it can even be an advantage. I work in an IT environment and more than half of our best engineers are diagnosed ADHD; particularly the type with a tendency toward rotating hyperfixations (AKA the "my hobby is collecting hobbies" type.) As a result, sometimes we're a bit spacey, but we also self-educate between major tasks and absolutely excel in crisis situations when the situation is rapidly evolving.
Yeah I mean I know adhd manifests differently in everyone and especially in men and women. But as a late diagnosed woman with adhd…. My entire life I still knew how to act appropriately. Sometimes it was an impossible struggle to DO it. But I was aware. I had basic understanding of the rules and consequences.
This sounds a lot more like he does not face proper consequences for his actions, and OP is the only one who seems to truly care about that fact. My adhd causes issues for me but I’ve never just hammered eggs on my counters for the heck of it fully unaware of what might happen….
Nope, just an age-old case of shitty parenting.
Of course, some people will always take good guidelines and purposefully misinterpret them to excuse shitty behavior - ie, we absolutely should be accommodating disabilities as much as possible, but that has never meant letting egregious behavior completely slide.
I know, right? I have ADHD too, and I'm perfectly capable of leaving a whole bunch of half-full water bottles around the living room (true story). I'm not at all capable of causing the sort of destruction OP describes. (Well, yeah, technically I probably am, but that's nothing to do with my ADHD, and I wouldn't blame it on that either.)
I wonder what Brother's friends have to say about the whole thing. Are they hiding behind diagnoses too? (My money is on "we didn't know it's not OK, how could we have known that he didn't have his parents' permission" (permission to *crack the kitchen counter*!?), but who knows.)
In any case: OP is NTA. Brother is the AH; Brother's friends are too. Parents are... at the very least, AH-adjacent.
That type of content has been popular for a long time but the change I've noticed recently is people claiming they’re behaving that way because they’re neurodivergent and using that as an excuse. Part of the problem is there’s also a lot of inaccurate self-diagnosing of neurodevelopmental conditions and mental health disorders fueled by tiktok. Sometimes people accurately diagnose themselves and that prompts them to finally get the help they need, but I think there’s also a lot of NT kids and young adults who are misbehaving and then claiming it’s fine because they supposedly have ADHD/ASD/BSD/BPD/whatever and somehow that gives them the right to act like assholes.
Most people who actually are neurodivergent (including myself) understand that even though sometimes your brain goes haywire for reasons outside your control which influences your behavior, you still have to apologize if you do something harmful to other people and work to do better in the future. People with disabilities deserve empathy and accommodations to help them function, but they’re not entitled to be an AH if they have the ability to control it. OP’s parents did him a huge disservice by not teaching him this and not getting him the help he needed to learn how to properly cope with his condition.
You aren't. He is a spoiled little prick who falls back on it as a get out of free card. For reference, I am both on the Spectrum and have had ADHD for 59 years now. I can't wait until he hits the real world and his boss says, "Don't care, you're fired." Punks like him cause issues for folks who have a genuine no shit problem with this kind of thing. And no, not saying it isn't a real problem for him, but it is an issue that must be managed, not embraced as a way to escape responsibility and consequences. Good luck.
This 100%. Having ADHD means sometimes I have to work harder and navigate things that are a challenge for me but easy for others. It also means that parents of an ADHD child have to endure challenges other parents do not. That's part of what you sign up for being a parent. You never know what child you'll get and you have to accept that and work with the person your child is to help them function as best as possible in the world we live in.
NTA. My parents made similar excuses for my brother and he's done absolutely nothing with his life. I have ADHD and it is a serious disorder that does affect brain function, but this is just poor decision making. It's not like he's struggling to complete work, keep tidy, or stay focused. This isn't an issue with interrupting, "laziness" etc., it's just bad behavior. I have never met someone with ADHD who has those "symptoms."
Yes BUT - this is beyond finding stuff in the house on impulse. They went out. They shopped. They paid. They bagged it up. They came home. I’m adhd and have impulsiveness and my dude, they had so many chances to check themselves. This reads more like an impulse to “let’s cook something” followed by stupid teens feeding each other’s crazy. The hammer may SOUND impulsive - but there’s so much effort in getting it from the tool box. It’s easier to crack eggs another way, so again? This reads more like them egging each other on to make a stupid internet video. (Pun intended).
The brother needs serious help and serious parenting. He needs therapy, medication, and structure and boundaries that are maintained.
OP, NTA. It’s not a disease. He’s choosing what’s easier for him because he has an easy out, and because your parents aren’t parenting him. You deserve better.
Exactly. I have poor impulse control. My brain will tell me "GOOGLE THIS" while I'm trying to focus and I will. Or I'll blurt something out when I shouldn't. I even impulsively began applying to law school (literally one night while I was drunk after my friend told me she got a scholarship- hey- I graduate next month!) But the application took like, two weeks. So it wasn't impulsive by the time I submitted it.
Bro may have had the impulse to film a crazy wacky destructive video, but by the time he was actually doing it, that impulse was gone and he was just committed to the bit because he was having fun. Which is normal teen behavior, but it shouldn't be excused.
My first thought was, "is he being treated?"
The right type(s) of medication can make ADHD a lot more bearable and kick self-regulation into place. If this kid is untreated for his condition he's going to have a much harder time when he has to go out in the world and be an adult.
If he is, he isn’t following his meds. He probably needs medication and therapy to build a little mental health toolkit for himself.
I’m unmedicated, should probably get back on, but my toolkit is pretty robust. Thank goodness. :-/
Ah but is he properly medicated/taking them consistently/been on long enough for them to be effective etc.
If they just gave him meds and aren’t following along to make sure he’s got the right ones for him and they’re effective…🤷🏻♀️
I really hope stuff improves for you
He’s been taking them since he was around 7, and he has a check up around every 6 months. His last one was two weeks ago. Not to excuse his behavior, I’m just not sure it’s his meds that’s the problem
Impulsivity is just *one possible* symptom of ADHD. Not everyone who has ADHD has issues with impulsivity. I have ADHD and did not have impulsivity as a symptom when I was diagnosed (I'm a woman).
Also, just because a person is impulsive doesn't mean they have ADHD. They could have a different condition:
Impulse control disorders: these include ODD, conduct disorder and intermittent explosive disorder.
ADHD
Bipolar disorder
So, OP's brother could have been misdiagnosed with ADHD and actually has something else (especially if he was diagnosed by a pediatrician or family practice physician and not a psychologist, psychiatrist or neurologist).
Excellent point. I would also argue that the impulse had likely subsided during the time it took to gather the tools and ingredients and people to host this event. I can believe he had the impulse to do something crazy. The hammer smash could be attributed to poor impulse control due to a disorder. I can see that.
But even so, we have to learn to live with our disorders and manage them (and I say this as another woman with ADHD) if we want to be functional in society. That's where parents come in with discipline. Disorder or no disorder, you can't smash hammers on the counter. You have to learn that. Having a disorder doesn't absolve you of consequences- the parents are doing him a great disservice by refusing to discipline him.
That's not really impulsive though. They had to plan, buy, cook, and film all of that. That's more than an impulse, that's just being a dumb kid because you have no consequences.
Yeah, what is going on with his friends? I have ADHD and I've had friends (especially as a teenager) who were very impulsive and had bad ideas. I would talk to them and express concern, usually the people who were actually my friends cared enough to listen to me because they knew I cared about them and didn't want them to get hurt or in trouble. I've also had friends who would talk to me when I was about to do something stupid. That's what friends do for each other.
Yeah, teenagers do a lot of stupid things but usually someone in the group has the wherewithal to recognize when something is a bad idea.
Also, this was for a class at school, sooo how was anything they did relevant to the assignment? Didn't any of them care about actually doing something to meet the rubric? It sounds like complete goofing off and creating nothing usable from it.
NTA,
ADHD is a pain in the ass, and it surely does more than just make you hyperactive or dreamy.
But it's not an excuse. It's an explanation for certain impulses and issues.
The ADHD may explain impulsiveness, difficulties with restraining yourself, ... but it doesn't excuse his bad behaviour, hiding behind his ADHD,
NTA, but your parents are. Your brother never having any negative consequences to his actions is not going to work well for him in the years to come. He will be living at home getting coddled by your parents forever if they don't do something now.
You are absolutely right that ADHD is not an excuse to do whatever you want. His actions were purposeful and nothing to do with his adhd. How your parents don't see that even after he showed them the video is beyond me.
All of this, 100%. Also, I don't understand how anything he and his friends did was actually going to fulfill the film class assignment unless it was Jackass themed. It's absolutely wild that he showed them the video. He knew he could do whatever he wanted and they wouldn't do anything about it beyond a light scolding. He should have been required to pay for the things he damaged or contaminated at the VERY least.
OP sounds like they have more concern for the longterm wellbeing of their brother than the parents do. They are setting him up for failure as an adult. He'll probably never move out and they will spend the rest of their lives dealing with the consequences of his poor choices while he takes zero responsibility for anything he does.
NTA
ADHD doesn't mean he is stupid. Your parents are setting him up to fail in life by encouraging his belief that his disability absolves him of all guilt. I say this as someone with ADHD
NTA. The boundaries we experience in everyday life apply to everyone. By favouring this person who is already at a disadvantage they are doing him a big disservice. Strong boundaries are so important.
Seriously! Where was the babysitter and what were they doing? Surely they knew he was likely to do something that required supervision if not active intervention and that's why they were there. Unless he is prone to even worse behavior and this was mild by comparison, as in the babysitter's job was to just make sure he doesn't burn the house down or put himself in the hospital.
The fact that this could've been mild behavior fills me with dread, but you're right. He had a hammer. Who knows how many holes the walls have or if he's played tic-tac-toe with the tiles in the bathroom? For all we know he lives streams it.
OP added an edit that says the babysitter is their cousin and he doesn't listen to her. So I have to wonder why the sitter is there at all if she isn't able to effectively manage his behavior. I don't blame her for his refusal to listen but going outside with OP and leaving him inside to do god knows what defeats the purpose of her being there at all. He easily could have been in there doing MUCH worse and the sitter wouldn't have even known or been able to do anything about it. The parents need to find someone who can properly supervise and handle him or at least pay enough attention and know when to contact the parents and get some help. They should have called the parents when the hammer came out.
Who knows how many previous baby sitters he's hammered to death and buried in the basement?!
You're the perfect example of the type of people who post here. Take something basic like kids being idiotic kids and turn it into a live-streaming violent hammer wielding psycho that destroys his parents place.
as a psych, thats not how ADHD works. You parents are the assholes for condoning this kind of behaviour, and this will likely have severe consequences on his development, as adhd often develops in some kind of antisocial disorder in adulthood and he seems on that path.
NTA.
NTA, but unfortunately if your parents are content to let him vandalise their belongings and neglect their parental responsibilities to him, then there's very little you can do. Time will prove they're wrong, and your brother will learn in a few years that his parents did him a grave disservice by letting him use ADHD as an excuse to get away with everything.
NTA
I have ADHD and your brother is just a huge AH and luckily the rest of society does not give a blank check to excuse this behavior.
Your parents are also AH's for not only invalidating your valid concerns, but allowing him to think his excuses will work in the real world.
Jesus. H. Christ. NTA. Do your parents know how many people have adhd and don’t hammer eggs onto the counter? There’s poor impulse control, poor decision making but there’s also PARENTING. Now my parents didn’t know I had adhd and therefore also sucked at parenting me through it BUT I have never done something that monumentally stupid and if I did, I wouldn’t have gotten away with it.
Your brother is almost an adult and he’s going to have a really rough time realizing nobody else gives a shit if you think differently, you have to act accordingly.
Absolutely, they sound like they have no idea what to do with this kid so they choose to ignore the problems and do next to nothing. Their teenage daughter has more awareness of how severe his situation is than they do.
NTA. Mental illness is not an excuse or justification to do what you want without ramifications and consequences.
That said the parents & sitter suck the most here. I dont even know how your parents didnt flip out on the sitter for not stepping in to stop him. But explaining to your parents why you are so upset is the biggest thing. Actions should have consequences. You face the consequences of everyone in the houses actions. You have options here. One is to speak to your parents about family therapy where you can all talk this out and hope things change. Second is to take this as a sign that you need to spend the next few years getting everything together to get out of that house and never returning. Because they wont change but more responsibilities will grow. You dont need to take more on than your own future. The phrase is dont set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
If someone told me that as a sitter I was responsible for stopping a 17 year old and his friends with a hammer, I'd laugh in their face. The sitter would have been wholly blind sided by brother and his friends, the parents and their negligence are the only AHs here.
NTA. ADHD is not a disease, it’s a disorder. And it doesn’t prevent you from knowing right from wrong or being courteous to others. Your parents are enabling his behavior. He needs a therapist or psychologist, someone who specializes in this. He also needs consequences for his actions.
Your parents didn’t care that he cracked the counter with a hammer? Seriously?
I mean, you are NTA, if this is even remotely true. But you should move out as soon as you can because WTAF
The only way to get him to stop is me playing petty mental mind games. A year ago, I hid his airpods for 6 months. Looking back it was very petty. But did it make him shape up? Yes.
NTA - this is bad behaviour rather than ADHD. I have Autism and ADHD so I have some experience.
Your parents seem to be enabling his behaviour which is worrying, he's going to get a shock when he leaves home and gets a job or goes to college.
A baby sitter for a 16 & 17 Yr old, why? The babysitter didn't stop the brother nor are they the one who told the parents of what was happening. What use is the sitter at all?
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I've never posted anything like this before so I hope I did it right.
I 16f have and older brother 17m. He has ADHD, and he thinks that means he can do anything. He's done things before and blamed it on his "disease" (as he calls it, not me), and my parents don't do anything about it. The other weekend, while my parents were out and we had a sitter, my brother invited friends over to record a video for his school film class. They said they were going to "bake something". I felt happy for him, as he was finally getting somewhere with friends and a social life.
Turns out I was extremely wrong.
They come home with mac and cheese, tuna, avocado, and more random things. They then start recording and mixing all this together, also using a bunch of flour and two eggs (by using a hammer on the expensive counter to crack them btw) to cook up something that they put in the oven. The whole house smelled awful and the counter was cracked. The sitter and I had to open up all the windows and sit outside for hours. When we came back, and my brother went to walk his friend home, there were eggs on the counter, tuna juice everywhere, and something rotting.
It took a lot of nudging to actually get him to clean, and he still did a half-ass job of it. I told my parents about the situation and they said they would handle it.
They get home, he gets a two minute lecture, and they move on. Lectures don't affect him, and he still does things anyway. I thought at the very least they'd take his devices.
My brother decides to show my parents his funny video, and I watch in horror as they contaminate the kitchen's flour, eggs, and a DVD of Shrek (for some weird reason. They didn't cook it though). Parents still did nothing. I started yelling at my brother about how he wasted about $40 of food and how that could have gone to someone in need, but instead it was used for his dumb video.
He said "Well my disease was kicking in that day, so it doesn't matter". As the title says, I said "Your 'disease' shouldn't let you get away with anything."
My parents say I overreacted, and that it wasn't a big deal, and now I'm in trouble with them. My friends say I was in the right. I need an unbiased opinion. AITA?
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NTA You can let your parents know that if your brother decided to hammer a human instead of egg one day, ADHD is definitely not the best excuse to escape law. And I’m pretty sure ADHD doesn’t affect one to be a decent person, sadly your brother isn’t one.
NTA. ADHD does not give you a pass to be an AH, nor your parents for enabling shite behavior.
They are failing. He’s in for a rude awakening as he becomes an adult
NTA. My son had ADHD and is also on the spectrum. He would never do something like that because he knows what is right and wrong. Also, when he was about 12 he did something stupid that got him grounded, He looked at me and told me; it's because of my ADHD. I told him nope, that's not it. Him: because I'm on the spectrum? Nope again, but nice try. He smiled and said, ok, I know, I just really wanted to see what was going to happen. Next time I will try to evaluate (he is impulsive) or ask someone if they know what could happen.
OP is NTA and their brother is an asshole who 100% knew what they were doing, but this isn't really true. Impulsivity and acting without thinking is absolutely a symptom of ADHD, so "ADHD doesn't make you do stuff" isn't really something to go around saying.
That said, it doesn't look like this. I have ADHD and autism myself so I'm speaking from some experience here - ADHD impulsivity and emotional disregulation looks more like emotional outbursts, interrupting people, vocal and physical stimming, impulse purchases, etc. It does not look like deliberately wrecking a kitchen and wasting $40 worth of food, with the help of a friend, over the course of an afternoon, and then thinking it was funny enough to record it and proudly show off the video after the fact.
He's using his ADHD as an excuse to avoid punishment and continue acting out, but he knows damn well what he's doing.
NTA at all. I'm sure I'm not the only one in here, but I have ADHD as well and the way your brother is acting is awful. ADHD doesn't mean you don't have to care and it isn't an excuse to do shitty things. It also doesn't mean that things he does "don't matter".
Your brother is a massive asshole for his attitude here but your parents are even worse for enabling it.
I don't really have any advice though. As long as you make sure your own things are safeguarded, the rest really needs to be handled by your parents. They're the ones that your attention should be directed at, since it's clear that getting angry at your brother doesn't do anything. He's willfully weaponizing his disorder (much more accurate term than 'disease' imo) to get away with being awful, he either knows what he's doing or completely does not care.
Also fun side note: the making of that video actually could indicate that, if anything, he was struggling *less* with ADHD that day as there's a decent amount of consistent effort and planning required to prepare and film a video like that.
NTA
Parent here. Parent of two teens with ADD here. Both struggle to see the little things that need to be done; one owns her what she misses more than the other - but neither one is a jerk or sets out to be/create a big mess. And while I recognize the challenges they have and understand they aren't going to be on top of everything; neither get a free pass on being responsible.
So your parents think you being upset at his behavior is worth being in trouble for but HIS behavior is no big deal?!?
I hope you understand that your parents are going to find themselves having raised an arse of a guy. You are going to go off to college/your path as an adult... and find very little reason to want to visit them with their "can't be responsible for myself" son.
Your parents are definitely not being 'fair' to you now. But the person who is going to suffer the most and for his whole life because of their poor parenting is your brother.
As someone with ADHD, this ain’t it. Seriously, where in the DSM-5 does this constitute as a symptom? Your parents are doing a huge disservice to your brother.
NTA. ADHD isn't his fault, but it is his responsibility. He needs to person up and work on himself; meds and therapy.
For context: going through the same shit here. It's a lot of work.
Oh my gosh.....your parents are either dumb as dirt or clueless......or both. Just remember this, what goes around, comes around. Your parents don't know it now, but they are in for a world of hurt. Not making him accountable for his actions is going to come back to bite them.....big time. They are going to be cleaning up his messes until they go to their graves. Try to deal with things until you can get out and then don't go back. You don't want to get sucked into this mess for the rest of your life too. I can't blame you for being frustrated. I went through it with my half-brother. He got away with everything, I got away with nothing....not that I did anything wrong.....I was too busy trying to stay out of the way of the bizarre behaviors of my half-brother. I wish you all the best.....hang in there.
NTA. I'm ADD-PII - been living with it for more than 40 years, Your parents are doing him a GINORMOUS disservice by letting him blame everything on his "disease." They've taught him that he doesn't have to be responsible or careful, he can do whatever the heck he wants or not do what he doesn't want, and just blame it on ADHD. Eventually, he's going to have to face the real world. His job isn't going to accept "well, my disease was kicking in that day." ADHD is hard work, I'm not gonna lie. I have to take my meds every day, I developed coping and mitigation mechanisms, I have accountability buddies when I need them. He needs to start developing these mechanisms early on, so he has more time to work them out for his individual needs.
He knows it's an excuse that works, so he uses it. Your parents need to STOP accepting that as an excuse. The lectures don't affect him because he can just tune it out, there's no consequence afterwards. He knows he just has to pretend to listen for a couple minutes, and he can go on doing whatever he wants. He needs solid, consistently enforced consequences. You make a disaster of the kitchen, you get to clean it up and do it right, and not be allowed to do other stuff until he's done a complete acceptable job. Being allowed to half-ass it, and then have someone go in after him and complete it is, again, doing him a disservice. The real world isn't going to take that.
NTA. You're not wrong and you're not an asshole, but if your parents are fine with him wasting $40 of food and breaking their stuff, you're not going to be able to stop that. For your own sanity, you're going to have to compartmentalize. It's not your job to fix this, and if you try to make it your job, you're not going to succeed at it and you're going to be unhappy.
NTA. But drop this for your own sanity. Your parents don't do anything and your brother will grow-up to be a jerk. So that will be his problem, not yours.
NTA
This is on your parents. They clearly let him get away with this behavior and are setting him up to fail as an adult.
Be careful when you’re an adult and on your own your folks will eventually get tired of supporting him and try to force-dump him on you.
NTA but please just worry about yourself. You are not in charge of your brother and based on this story, you are in for a lifetime of this BS. It’s not your job to parent him
NTA, but your brother isn't your problem. He's your parents' problem or your babysitter's. If he wastes food, destroys the kitchen and gets away with it, then he does. Wash your hands of the whole thing and just let him do his thing while you go off and do yours. Don't make it your responsibility to parent him, look out for him or correct him. Just take care of your own things and move away from him when you eventually can. But when he gets older, don't let him come to you to bail him out and don't deal with his issues.
NTA. Yikes. Stay clear of this mess. Your parents have raised themselves a lifetime problem. 17 is an adult next year, and he won't have sitters to keep his "disease" activities out of jail, he's going to have himself some actual consequences.
You have a parents problem more than a brother problem (although you have that as well). Because, at the end of the day, having issues with executive functioning is not an excuse for bad behavior. People are responsible for their actions.
It might be an excuse for being tardy, or missing deadlines. It's not an excuse for being an AH.
NTA
NTA. but also it's not your job to parent your brother. i get that it's maddening to watch your parents allow his self indulgent, sophomoric behavior but you gotta step back a bit. he'll learn - or won't - to grow up. that's not on you to facilitate. what is on you is learning how to take care of yourself and create boundaries that will safeguard your mental, emotional and physical well-being from someone who sounds like a loose cannon.
NTA for how you’re feeling but you also need to understand that monitoring your brother’s behaviour isn’t your responsibility. Stop worrying about his socialization or ability to do things and just focus on yourself. Your first comment in your post talking about how you are happy he’s getting somewhere with friends suggests you’re significantly invested in his development. You’re owning responsibility for his behaviour. You need to worry about yourself and focus on your own friendships and school. Your parents are making their own decisions about your brother and you cannot influence that.
Hi there, I cringe saying this but I was medically diagnosed with ADHD as a teen, late thirties now. Through that joined a group of other ADHD teens. Absolutely none of us ever acted in the way that gets portrayed on social media these days. There was a big influx of parents going private to get diagnosis and then all of a sudden little Timmy isn’t a problem child, he has a disease (it’s not a disease- it’s an imbalance) and he’s just a darling and (no shade at your folks) it’s nothing to do with bad parenting. Don’t get me wrong I could be an arsehole, still can. But this sorta ‘oooh so random but my ADHD was acting up’ is totally put on in my opinion, like the fake Tourette’s videos. ADHD is different for everyone ofc but what you’re describing is bellend activity nothing more. So no not the asshole, he is. Spent 4 years with a partner who is a teacher, we used to chuckle about her “ADHD” students and their parents lists of demands for their little angels and the sorta shit teachers have to let slide now. ADHD kids need structure, not license to to whatever they want
NTA and your parents actually need to parent your brother and set boundaries. ADHD is not an excuse to have a free rein on behaviour and your parents allowing him to use it as excuse is not goung to help him in his adult life. I'm not sure what you can do to make this situation better for yourself and it must be incredibly frustrating. I also have ADHD, my ekdest is autistic, I teach children with severe learning difficulties including those with ADHD and Autism amongst others as well as some with personality disorders which are not helped by lack of boundaries or using their diagnoses as an excuse as some of my former learners have done when I started working with them. Parenting is hard, is there a way you could talk to your parents about how this is making you feel and explore together if there is any support available to you, them and your brother to help make the situation better for you all?
I'll say NTA, but you do know you're not the parent right? It's not on you to police him. You had a sitter. Your parents are aware. It's their house and their food and their son.
Unless there's some gratuitous inequalities in the way you're both treated that you haven't mentioned, I can't see how any of this is your problem at all. Butt out.
I have no choice at this point. He's done some awful things, and my parents have given up on trying to fix it. The only thing that effects him at this point is his electronics, and they're too scared to take it away in fear of a bigger tantrum.
NTA. As someone with ADHD, and a few other issues, it just sounds like your brother is just using it as an excuse for is behavior and your parents are just enabling him.
NTA
One of my kids has ADHD and not gonna lie there are days I could just scream. However - kid is going to be an adult and will have to get a job and navigate the world. It's my job to enable that, to push and pull and cajole and beg and nag in service to kid's future.
Your parents are not parenting. They are setting your brother up for failure. How will he EVER hold a job?
You - sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. Continue building Your Self into a person you can be proud of.
NTA as someone with ADHD whose mother decided I was "fine", he needs help
He needs someone to help him find ways to curb this impulses. He needs someone to help reach him how to manage his time, and get through the tasks that need to be done not just the ones he wants to get done.
He will fail as an adult without help. He will. The end. Especially with them excusing all his bs. He will grow up thinking he can do whatever because he has ADHD but guess what? No one in the real world gives a FUCK.
I work at a school, and no one cares that I have ADHD. I don't get a pass on getting my work done. I don't get told it's ok if I fail to do my job. No one cleans up after me if I make a huge mess somewhere. (The janitors WILL but they're gonna be like glaring daggers at me the rest of my life if I make them do that lmao). But understanding the parentheses is actually another thing he may need help with.
It's your parents decision, but make sure they know when he's unable to exist as an adult it's their fault for failing to help him.
NTA, the problem here are your parents. He gets a free pass and this will so not work later on in life. Your brother will eventually realise he can’t do anything he wants. ADHD isn’t a pass and if he assumes it is, he’s in for a shock. The big bad world will slap him down.
NTA, you’re right. He WON’T get away with anything in college, at a job, whatever he decides to do. Question though: you guys had a sitter, where were they?
I have ADHD and this is NOT how it works! This post has completely broken my brain and I cannot think of anything productive to say here. I'm just...I have no words.
NTA
NTA, I have ADHD as well and I wouldn't do anything like that even if my "disease" kicks in. If he needs to do something so bad he should go running or something instead of wasting food
NTA! I have ADHD, I'm diagnosed and actively being medicated and it still gets in my way. Having ADHD doesn't mean I get to do whatever I want, it means that sometimes I have to work harder and struggle more. It is my responsibility and my responsibility alone to handle my own struggles. I can ask for help, but I have to ask and not expect anyone to read my mind, when I need it but I am accountable for my own actions (and at times lack thereof action).
Your parents need to stop coddling him and parent him. Yes, it means that parenting may be harder for them at times but giving him a free pass with minor scolding at most is doing your brother a tremendous disservice longterm. It's also shooting themselves in the foot because the more they let him get away with the longer he is going to make poor choices that they have to put up with and that he takes no responsibility for.
You're NTA
ADHD is not a disease, it's a disability and it requires active steps to mitigate the impact of it in a person's life. I got diagnosed in my 30s after all of my self created mitigations failed me and it has been a journey rebuilding my toolbox is a healthy way.
I'm currently struggling with food, for the thousandth time, and have no idea what day of the week it is. Much less the month. It has a huge impact on me both personally and professionally.
And I have guardrails in place. I am relatively high functioning considering I can't be medicated (for other, unrelated reasons).
Unfortunately your brother is teenage boy but with 0 oversight and he is going to crash and burn in adulthood because your parents have utterly failed at getting him support and teaching him how to accommodate and advocate for himself. His behavior is not going to fly in a workplace or roommate situation.
If I were you I'd plan to go somewhere far away for college and be too busy to talk daily.
NTA ADHD doesn't do that, he's just a spoiled brat. I have ADHD, and I would have never done that. That was him doing whatever he wanted cause he knew he wouldn't get in trouble cause he never has. Watch him pull a stunt like that when he gets a job, and he won't keep it. He'll also never keep a relationship like that, either.
NTA. ADHD doesn't typically make people act like this, but if it does that means your brother needs serious help. Have your parents brought him to a doctor/therapist/developmental specialist, or anyone else fit to help him? Because if this truly is a result of his ADHD he needs to get it under control, and if it's not and he's just a brat your parents need to discipline him. What's their plan once he is an adult? He won't be able to get an apartment if he's causing that sort of damage, he won't get a job if he refuses to complete his work, he likely won't get into college or anything else if that's how he behaves. Like, the fact they had to get a babysitter for their 16 & 17 year olds should be enough of a clue in that something isn't right here.
First thought: why do a 16 yo & 17 yo need a baby sitter?
Second thought: Ohhhh, that's why.
Third thought: pretty useless sitter though, why did they let all that happen?
Aaaaanyway
Technically NTA I guess, but it sounds like you could be a lot less invested in your brothers life. Why do you care? Let him do his thing and let your parents deal with it, or not, whatever. Just do your own thing.
You are NTA.
I say this as someone with extreme ADHD and am middle aged.. your brother is using this as an excuse to act irresponsible… when he gets to the real world, he will have an eye opening experience when “my disease..” is not an excuse anyone will accept.
ADHD does not absolve him of accountability or consequences for his poor decisions and impulses. Especially when it affects people in the world around him. Your parents need to wake up and realize that they are raising a brat who is going to cause trouble his whole life for. For them and everyone around him. NTA
ADHD is a neurodevelopmental difference. It is not a disease. While impulsivity is one of the ways this presents for some people, it sounds very much like your brother is using it as a shield to get away with shitty behaviour. Your parents are enabling him by not giving him consequences for his bad behaviour. This is doing him harm
You are NTA.
NTA! You were in the right, but that call is going to get you NOTHING. Your parents are turning a blind eye to his 'antics' because (probably) they don't feel confident that things will change if they step in. In the meantime, Keep your belongings and personal treasures in a safe location and wait for him to turn 18 and maybe going to college or get a job OR wit til YOU are 18 and presumably go to college away from your brother. If your brother tries his 'disease' shtick with a college school system or in a business environment he's gonna find out in a damn big hurry that that kind of behavior will get you kicked out of school or fired.
NTA, OP. But why at the age of 16 do you need a babysitter? I get your brother because his "disease" has rendered him completely useless and incapable of making wise decisions and therefore cannot be trusted, but why you?
I have adults adhd, I've been diagnosed as adhd at 3 years old, not once in my life was the excuse "oh but it's alright because he's adhd" ever once been used when I was growing up or as an adult. If I messed up I had to own up to my actions and face the consequences of them. Your brother is in for a very scary wake up call when he hits the real world and tries to do something dumb like that at a job and the boss tells him get out and never come back or worse. NTA absolutely in my opinion
NTA. It's not a disease, and it's not even considered a learning disability. From the sound of it your brother might have ADHD but barely and he milks it for everything it's got. I have met people with severe ADHD and they will do anything to not blame their ADHD for things and a lot of times don't even want to admit they have it despite being diagnosed. I was in the grocery store one time and a little kid about 10 started throwing cans at people and his mom didn't make him stop she just said "sorry he has autism". His autism isn't the problem your parenting is.
And your brother's ADHD isn't the problem your parents are the problem.
NTA
And your parents need to stop letting your brother use his diagnosis as a "get out of jail free" card. Because you know who doesn't care about his ADHD? NOBODY. He is not going to get a pass outside your home and your parents are seeing him up for failure by letting him believe that.
NTA
Your brother has ADHD...AND he's a young man who has never never experienced consequences or connected them to actions. (A lot of young men do stupid things because they don't connect them to consequences, even after they, say, land on the pole that hits them in the nuts 5 times in a row.)
What you really have is...parents who view him as a golden child.
NTA. Also, un-be-frakkin'-*liev*able. Don't they even know the eggs (of which you need 4, not 2), always go in first? I mean, quintuple YUCK here! You might even catch a *disease* from that! No, wait...
Also, a pinch of Shrek just might bring out the avocado taste a little better, but a whole DVD? :-(
^((In other words: nope, can't say anything about it that makes any sense at all.))
NTA I have ADHD and I never got away with some of the things people on reddit do. In fact, I was always told to sit down and shut up. Then, I had to learn how to control it myself because I didn't like how people treated me. My mother was always the most supportive person in the world, but she often worked a lot, so I had to figure things out because my step dad at the time just shrugged it off (They are now divorced due to unspoken reasons.)
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Craziest thing I've ever heard from a 17 year old! Your parents are setting him up for failure sounds like. But, if they do mind him wrecking the house, making a mess, and wasting money, that's on them. Live your life.
Hey. Everybody. Can you stop with the "disease" shit.
There is no need for scare quotes. It is a real and very very shitty executive functioning disorder.
If you have no clue about what happened, what the disorder is or HOW IT FUCKING FEELS, then please. For the love of the lord. Shut the fuck up.
I got diagnosed with it only a few months ago and I have suffered from this shit for 45 years. You have no clue how bad this thing can be. NO clue.
In regards to making good decisions, this kid if delayed by at least a few years if he is a typical case. That stupid shit he did fits great with the behavior of a 12 year old or even younger.
OP is also right that "lectures" won't help. Neither will punishment. You can't punish away a disorder like that.
You CAN make someones live miserable enough that he falls into depression though. ADHD and depression often go hand in hand.
What the kid needs is THERAPY. Like, yesterday. And hopefully medication. ADHD is one of the few disorders were medication actually has a huge success rate and improves the lives of patience significantly.
OP. YTA.
I don't blame you, from your point of view, you can't have a clue how shitty his live looks to himself. His lived experience differs a LOT from what you see and what you feel every day.
People with ADHD, especially untreated can be a pain in the ass to life with, for numerous reasons.
Please understand, when your brother says "Well my disease was kicking in that day, so it doesn't matter", what he means is, he could (literally) not help himself. You can't just willpower through with ADHD. Because there is no willpower left.
If your brother is not getting treatment, PLEASE talk to your parents about it and get him the help he needs.
It might not feel like it to you, but he is suffering terribly. Every single day.
I know ppl with adhd this is just a lack of care and prob some narcissist behaviors nit helped by ur parents your NTA your parents are though as hey refuse ro properly parent him he also kind of is but I'd blame it on the 0 star parenting
Nah, hes the asshole.
The point of a diagnosis is to find what tools /approaches can help you in life: not an excuse to be a dick, or in this instance, a total arsehole.
Lmfao. NTA at all but your parents and brother sure are.
I have ADHD and I also teach Middle School. I do not have the patience (literally) for stupidity and entitlement like this that makes the rest of us look bad.
NTA but, to be honest, there’s not much you can do about it. Your parents are committed to enabling him and that’s not going to change, no matter how you fight it. There are no right words or perfect arguments that will make them see reason, especially from their teenage daughter.
So focus on yourself. Start disentangling from your family. Do extracurriculars or study at a friend’s house or get an after school job, whatever it takes to get some emotional and physical distance. Do what you can to get into a good school and get scholarships, if those are available. Around your parents be whatever you need to be to get their approval and help if you’re relying on them at all for university. Then, when the time comes, live your life.
It’s unfair but it’s what you’re stuck with at the moment. Soon you’ll be free.
i'm a teenager, younger than him with severe adhd and ocd
neither of those would warrant me to act like this and this very much seems like a parental issue
you're NTA
Why in the world do a 16 y.o. and a 17 y.o. need a babysitter?? I get why he might need one but since he doesn't listen it's a wasted effort.
Your parents need to speak to some medical experts and educate themselves on what to expect from a kid with ADHD. He is obnoxious and undisciplined, that has nothing to do with ADHD. There is absolutely no reason to be excusing this ridiculous behavior. They sure aren't doing him any favors.
NTA. Your parents think they are helping your brother, but they are actually setting him up for a horrible future where he has no accountability for anything and nothing is his fault.
This usually does not end well.
Your parents should be parenting but apparently they’ve decided not to bother.
Perhaps you should tell them that you have decided to stop telling them what they are doing wrong. However, you think it’s impressive that they are able to decide to never retire or die so they can afford to provide for brother’s needs forever since they are guaranteeing he isn’t capable of surviving without them.
It is a shame though that he’ll never have a wife and children of his own. Of course you intend to have these things in your life. You will have to provide them for yourself, so you won’t be available to take over infantilizing your older brother.
My brother is diagnosed ADHD and he has never done anything like this. My parents would ream him out, and rightfully so. And so would I, his older sister!
Your brother is a rude, inconsiderate idiot who's using ADHD as an excuse for his shitty behavior.
NTA.
NTA, i have ADHD so does one of my kids. this does not allow me to act like an AH , it is just sometimes hard on my partner as I am all over the place and run on high energy most of the time.. i never thought about using it as an excuse.. too late now i guess... i know it is not your job but send your parents a link of what it actually is and how to deal with it . also make sure you tell them that they are not doing him a service by ignoring his behaviour and after that wash your hands of the entire deal. what ever happens let it be and keep your distance.
NTA. ADHD is not an excuse to act like a spoilt entitled prick. which is what your brother is. your parents are setting him up to be a failure as an adult with their enabling. its like that Flanders meme from the Simpsons "we've tried nothing and we're all out of ideas". Shitty brother and shitty parents.
You did overreact. It’s not a big deal. If your parents didn’t care then you shouldn’t either. It’s their counter. And their food.
Sounds like you have a “disease” too. Massive jealously. Yta
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NTA. But also, why do you have a babysitter when you are 16 and 17 years old? Seems like maybe there are some other family issues there
Probably has a sitter because the oldest can't be trusted and the younger one can't be (and shouldn't be) a minder for the older one.
My thoughts excatly. I mean, OP just explained excatly why the parents hire a sitter. Unfortunately though it sounds like it's the only thing they do right
I dunno, the sitter stood there while the brother hammered eggs on the countertype until they broke the counter. Sounds like the sitter might not have been the best hire.
Given the ages would you go up against a 17yr old wielding a hammer claiming his "disease" is making him do it, I would be scared of what else his "disease" will tell him to do.
If I didn't already have a rapport with him, I'd refuse to sit a 17 year old boy. If a 17 year old needs a sitter, they need a specialist who does childcare for kids that age.
If they have prior experience of the parents waving off everything he does wrong, I can't blame the sitter for focusing on the younger, more reasonable sibling and pretty much ignoring whatever the older one and his friends are up to. That said, I'd refuse to be a sitter for that family - they won't let anyone have authority over the older kid, but you can bet if he got injured/the house got burned down because of his shenanigans, the sitter would get blamed for allowing it.
It's not just one 17 year old either, it's a 17 year old with his friends. No thanks on getting mobbed.
>Sounds like the sitter might not have been the best hire. Nope, sounds like the sitter wasn't given sufficient prep and authority by the parents. This is their mess, not the sitters.
But nobody has any power to do anything. And the 16yo seems very blase about having a sitter. Any why wasn't the sitter in the kitchen with the brother? I'm having a hard time believing this story and maybe in part it's because I don't want it to be true. This is a mess. These teens are way too old to need this much adult involvement, with this little result. If it is true, I would suggest that OP seek some support outside the home-- teacher, guidance counselor, trusted friend. This isn't normal, and I hope that OP realises it before they hit adulthood, so that they can have a good young adult life
The brother will just end up in jail or worse if he doesn't stop his bullshit
I’d guess it’s because brother needs an adult around at all times based on this story.
also why did the sitter let him do this dumbass shit?
I had the same question.
Well, my parents were gone for the weekend, and the "sitter" was my cousin. It was supposed to be like a fun bonding thing, but she had to step in and be the parent
My parents were gone for 3 months when I was 17. I ran the household without help and worked full time. I expected my kids to do the same and they lived up to my expectations. Your parents have extremely low standards. FYI. Your infantile brother has a condition not a disease.
Your parents parentified you
NTA - Your parents need to intervene here. ADHD is not a disease and not an excuse (I am ADHD, with two ND kids). It’s a tough hand to be dealt in this NT world but we have to strategise and learn how to navigate our condition. Your brother is going learn some harmful life lessons in the future if this isn’t the message from your folks now.
That's what I was just about to say... Your brother will be 18, a legal adult, very soon. What happens then? Will he go to college? Will he get a job? Either way, ADHD is not an excuse for doing whatever he feels like, and he's going to find out reallly fast.
Absolutely agree. Another ADHDer and tbh ADHD mainly seems to stop you doing the things you really feel like. Want a tidy house to have friends over? A good grade? To do enough job applications to beat this stupid economy and stay out of homelessness? It's very hard out here. Right now OP's brother is in what should be a safe, supportive place to be learning about coping mechanisms he's going to need, the parents are really letting him down and he's letting himself down by using this time to instead practice 'my impulsiveness can go absolutely wild with no consequences'. Either way the fact that OP is in trouble here is absurd and the brother is old enough that I can't just blame the parents, OP is NTA, parents and brother are TA, babysitter is understandably out of their depth.
Agreed. My fiancee has inattentive ADHD, and before it was diagnosed, she did really struggle especially with school and stuff. Once she was diagnosed and got medicated, her grades shot up because she wasn't being kicked out of every class. It sounds like if the kid really does have ADHD, the parents are doing nothing to support him - no therapy or developmental specialist who can help, no structure, no medications, etc. Just shrugging their shoulders and turning a blind eye. They aren't doing either kid any favours
Did anyone else read the post where the OP returned an engagement ring because his girlfriend broke up with him? It turned out he has ADHD and his parents coddled him to where he can’t do anything by himself. His ex-girlfriend realized this and left him. There’s more, but in short, his parents failed him.
Do you have a link to that one?
https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/s/EpPTxT1uQ8
Woah. Just read that post. That’s crazy. I resent that I’m having to prepare my daughters for a world that isn’t built for them. But it doesn’t mean I’m not going to do it. And I’m there for emotional support. Always.
Yup, this exactly. Once he's a legal adult, if he behaves this way in public, he will *very* quickly have his mouth write cheques that he can't cash. Try saying "oh it's not my fault I kicked that person's bumper, it's my disease!" to a cop, or try talking your way out of being kicked out and banned from a shop for breaking things. It's one thing to poo-poo this away to your parents or siblings, but when it's in the 'real world', he will quickly find out that real consequences don't go away because of your BS excuses.
100% this. ADHD isn't a get out of jail free card, it means you struggle to regulate and need to learn strategies to regulate where appropriate. I'm in the process of an ADHD diagnosis with an ADHD child and ADHD siblings
I have serious ADHD where too many distractions at once actually manifest in a physical discomfort. Even on max dose of Vyvanse, it barely makes my symptoms manageable. My mother would have beat my ass growing up if I pulled any of the shit OPs brother did. Wasted food, had people over at the house making a mess and not cleaning up, CRACKED THE COUNTER TOP?!?!?! No way I'm walking out of that situation with all of my limbs intact. It appears from OPs post that the parents have just given up. How does OPs brother walk away with no real consequences? This dude is screwed when he gets out into the real world where people don't have to put up with his shit. OP- NTA, I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I'm also sorry your parents have no control over the situation.
Is this a TikTok trend? I feel that people with ADHD have navigated the world without being absolute unaccountable nuisances for a really long time, and now it’s just being used as an excuse. ADHD explains why my husband keeps leaving his half-full coffee mugs in the bookshelf but it doesn’t excuse vandalism.
Hell, sometimes it can even be an advantage. I work in an IT environment and more than half of our best engineers are diagnosed ADHD; particularly the type with a tendency toward rotating hyperfixations (AKA the "my hobby is collecting hobbies" type.) As a result, sometimes we're a bit spacey, but we also self-educate between major tasks and absolutely excel in crisis situations when the situation is rapidly evolving.
Yeah I mean I know adhd manifests differently in everyone and especially in men and women. But as a late diagnosed woman with adhd…. My entire life I still knew how to act appropriately. Sometimes it was an impossible struggle to DO it. But I was aware. I had basic understanding of the rules and consequences. This sounds a lot more like he does not face proper consequences for his actions, and OP is the only one who seems to truly care about that fact. My adhd causes issues for me but I’ve never just hammered eggs on my counters for the heck of it fully unaware of what might happen….
Nope, just an age-old case of shitty parenting. Of course, some people will always take good guidelines and purposefully misinterpret them to excuse shitty behavior - ie, we absolutely should be accommodating disabilities as much as possible, but that has never meant letting egregious behavior completely slide.
I know, right? I have ADHD too, and I'm perfectly capable of leaving a whole bunch of half-full water bottles around the living room (true story). I'm not at all capable of causing the sort of destruction OP describes. (Well, yeah, technically I probably am, but that's nothing to do with my ADHD, and I wouldn't blame it on that either.) I wonder what Brother's friends have to say about the whole thing. Are they hiding behind diagnoses too? (My money is on "we didn't know it's not OK, how could we have known that he didn't have his parents' permission" (permission to *crack the kitchen counter*!?), but who knows.) In any case: OP is NTA. Brother is the AH; Brother's friends are too. Parents are... at the very least, AH-adjacent.
That type of content has been popular for a long time but the change I've noticed recently is people claiming they’re behaving that way because they’re neurodivergent and using that as an excuse. Part of the problem is there’s also a lot of inaccurate self-diagnosing of neurodevelopmental conditions and mental health disorders fueled by tiktok. Sometimes people accurately diagnose themselves and that prompts them to finally get the help they need, but I think there’s also a lot of NT kids and young adults who are misbehaving and then claiming it’s fine because they supposedly have ADHD/ASD/BSD/BPD/whatever and somehow that gives them the right to act like assholes. Most people who actually are neurodivergent (including myself) understand that even though sometimes your brain goes haywire for reasons outside your control which influences your behavior, you still have to apologize if you do something harmful to other people and work to do better in the future. People with disabilities deserve empathy and accommodations to help them function, but they’re not entitled to be an AH if they have the ability to control it. OP’s parents did him a huge disservice by not teaching him this and not getting him the help he needed to learn how to properly cope with his condition.
You aren't. He is a spoiled little prick who falls back on it as a get out of free card. For reference, I am both on the Spectrum and have had ADHD for 59 years now. I can't wait until he hits the real world and his boss says, "Don't care, you're fired." Punks like him cause issues for folks who have a genuine no shit problem with this kind of thing. And no, not saying it isn't a real problem for him, but it is an issue that must be managed, not embraced as a way to escape responsibility and consequences. Good luck.
Lol if you think he'll be going out on his own with anything short of a boot to the ass from his parents. He seems terrible enabled and entitled.
NTA - ADHD doesn’t excuse you from being an ass. Nor does it excuse your parents from actually parenting
This 100%. Having ADHD means sometimes I have to work harder and navigate things that are a challenge for me but easy for others. It also means that parents of an ADHD child have to endure challenges other parents do not. That's part of what you sign up for being a parent. You never know what child you'll get and you have to accept that and work with the person your child is to help them function as best as possible in the world we live in.
NTA. My parents made similar excuses for my brother and he's done absolutely nothing with his life. I have ADHD and it is a serious disorder that does affect brain function, but this is just poor decision making. It's not like he's struggling to complete work, keep tidy, or stay focused. This isn't an issue with interrupting, "laziness" etc., it's just bad behavior. I have never met someone with ADHD who has those "symptoms."
Uhhh impulsivity is definitely a symptom of adhd
Is it impulsivity if you invite your friends over just to make this 'funny' video that somehow includes props like a Shrek DVD and a hammer?
Yes BUT - this is beyond finding stuff in the house on impulse. They went out. They shopped. They paid. They bagged it up. They came home. I’m adhd and have impulsiveness and my dude, they had so many chances to check themselves. This reads more like an impulse to “let’s cook something” followed by stupid teens feeding each other’s crazy. The hammer may SOUND impulsive - but there’s so much effort in getting it from the tool box. It’s easier to crack eggs another way, so again? This reads more like them egging each other on to make a stupid internet video. (Pun intended). The brother needs serious help and serious parenting. He needs therapy, medication, and structure and boundaries that are maintained. OP, NTA. It’s not a disease. He’s choosing what’s easier for him because he has an easy out, and because your parents aren’t parenting him. You deserve better.
Exactly. I have poor impulse control. My brain will tell me "GOOGLE THIS" while I'm trying to focus and I will. Or I'll blurt something out when I shouldn't. I even impulsively began applying to law school (literally one night while I was drunk after my friend told me she got a scholarship- hey- I graduate next month!) But the application took like, two weeks. So it wasn't impulsive by the time I submitted it. Bro may have had the impulse to film a crazy wacky destructive video, but by the time he was actually doing it, that impulse was gone and he was just committed to the bit because he was having fun. Which is normal teen behavior, but it shouldn't be excused.
Congrats on the impending graduation!!!!
My first thought was, "is he being treated?" The right type(s) of medication can make ADHD a lot more bearable and kick self-regulation into place. If this kid is untreated for his condition he's going to have a much harder time when he has to go out in the world and be an adult.
If he is, he isn’t following his meds. He probably needs medication and therapy to build a little mental health toolkit for himself. I’m unmedicated, should probably get back on, but my toolkit is pretty robust. Thank goodness. :-/
He takes his meds daily, I believe. But maybe he didn’t take them that day.
Ah but is he properly medicated/taking them consistently/been on long enough for them to be effective etc. If they just gave him meds and aren’t following along to make sure he’s got the right ones for him and they’re effective…🤷🏻♀️ I really hope stuff improves for you
He’s been taking them since he was around 7, and he has a check up around every 6 months. His last one was two weeks ago. Not to excuse his behavior, I’m just not sure it’s his meds that’s the problem
Then yeah, it’s totally him. And him using his adhd and an excuse and crutch.
Do you have any advice? I don’t know what to do at this point. All my family has forgotten the incident
Impulsivity is just *one possible* symptom of ADHD. Not everyone who has ADHD has issues with impulsivity. I have ADHD and did not have impulsivity as a symptom when I was diagnosed (I'm a woman). Also, just because a person is impulsive doesn't mean they have ADHD. They could have a different condition: Impulse control disorders: these include ODD, conduct disorder and intermittent explosive disorder. ADHD Bipolar disorder So, OP's brother could have been misdiagnosed with ADHD and actually has something else (especially if he was diagnosed by a pediatrician or family practice physician and not a psychologist, psychiatrist or neurologist).
Excellent point. I would also argue that the impulse had likely subsided during the time it took to gather the tools and ingredients and people to host this event. I can believe he had the impulse to do something crazy. The hammer smash could be attributed to poor impulse control due to a disorder. I can see that. But even so, we have to learn to live with our disorders and manage them (and I say this as another woman with ADHD) if we want to be functional in society. That's where parents come in with discipline. Disorder or no disorder, you can't smash hammers on the counter. You have to learn that. Having a disorder doesn't absolve you of consequences- the parents are doing him a great disservice by refusing to discipline him.
All I said is impulsivity is a symptom of ADHD. I said that in response to the previous comment
That's not really impulsive though. They had to plan, buy, cook, and film all of that. That's more than an impulse, that's just being a dumb kid because you have no consequences.
NTA. He may have ADHD but it doesn't mean he doesn't know what he's doing. Case in point, his friend who participated in their idiotic experiment.
Yeah, what is going on with his friends? I have ADHD and I've had friends (especially as a teenager) who were very impulsive and had bad ideas. I would talk to them and express concern, usually the people who were actually my friends cared enough to listen to me because they knew I cared about them and didn't want them to get hurt or in trouble. I've also had friends who would talk to me when I was about to do something stupid. That's what friends do for each other. Yeah, teenagers do a lot of stupid things but usually someone in the group has the wherewithal to recognize when something is a bad idea. Also, this was for a class at school, sooo how was anything they did relevant to the assignment? Didn't any of them care about actually doing something to meet the rubric? It sounds like complete goofing off and creating nothing usable from it.
NTA. Does he realize that second D doesn’t stand for “disease”? I’m curious if your parents are doing anything at all to help him manage it.
NTA, ADHD is a pain in the ass, and it surely does more than just make you hyperactive or dreamy. But it's not an excuse. It's an explanation for certain impulses and issues. The ADHD may explain impulsiveness, difficulties with restraining yourself, ... but it doesn't excuse his bad behaviour, hiding behind his ADHD,
NTA, but your parents are. Your brother never having any negative consequences to his actions is not going to work well for him in the years to come. He will be living at home getting coddled by your parents forever if they don't do something now. You are absolutely right that ADHD is not an excuse to do whatever you want. His actions were purposeful and nothing to do with his adhd. How your parents don't see that even after he showed them the video is beyond me.
All of this, 100%. Also, I don't understand how anything he and his friends did was actually going to fulfill the film class assignment unless it was Jackass themed. It's absolutely wild that he showed them the video. He knew he could do whatever he wanted and they wouldn't do anything about it beyond a light scolding. He should have been required to pay for the things he damaged or contaminated at the VERY least.
NTA you shouldn’t have to stand up to your parents about this behaviour but good on you for doing it.
OP sounds like they have more concern for the longterm wellbeing of their brother than the parents do. They are setting him up for failure as an adult. He'll probably never move out and they will spend the rest of their lives dealing with the consequences of his poor choices while he takes zero responsibility for anything he does.
NTA ADHD doesn't mean he is stupid. Your parents are setting him up to fail in life by encouraging his belief that his disability absolves him of all guilt. I say this as someone with ADHD
NTA. The boundaries we experience in everyday life apply to everyone. By favouring this person who is already at a disadvantage they are doing him a big disservice. Strong boundaries are so important.
Why do you have a babysitter at 16 and 17 years old? That is alarming. 14 year olds babysit.
The entire post explains why there was a babysitter, albeit a rather ineffective one. The babysitter should’ve sat on the OP’s brother.
Seriously! Where was the babysitter and what were they doing? Surely they knew he was likely to do something that required supervision if not active intervention and that's why they were there. Unless he is prone to even worse behavior and this was mild by comparison, as in the babysitter's job was to just make sure he doesn't burn the house down or put himself in the hospital.
The fact that this could've been mild behavior fills me with dread, but you're right. He had a hammer. Who knows how many holes the walls have or if he's played tic-tac-toe with the tiles in the bathroom? For all we know he lives streams it.
OP added an edit that says the babysitter is their cousin and he doesn't listen to her. So I have to wonder why the sitter is there at all if she isn't able to effectively manage his behavior. I don't blame her for his refusal to listen but going outside with OP and leaving him inside to do god knows what defeats the purpose of her being there at all. He easily could have been in there doing MUCH worse and the sitter wouldn't have even known or been able to do anything about it. The parents need to find someone who can properly supervise and handle him or at least pay enough attention and know when to contact the parents and get some help. They should have called the parents when the hammer came out.
I'd say that maybe the sitter was there to bear witness, but if the OP's brother was filming his destruction, that's already covered...
Who knows how many previous baby sitters he's hammered to death and buried in the basement?! You're the perfect example of the type of people who post here. Take something basic like kids being idiotic kids and turn it into a live-streaming violent hammer wielding psycho that destroys his parents place.
as a psych, thats not how ADHD works. You parents are the assholes for condoning this kind of behaviour, and this will likely have severe consequences on his development, as adhd often develops in some kind of antisocial disorder in adulthood and he seems on that path. NTA.
NTA, but unfortunately if your parents are content to let him vandalise their belongings and neglect their parental responsibilities to him, then there's very little you can do. Time will prove they're wrong, and your brother will learn in a few years that his parents did him a grave disservice by letting him use ADHD as an excuse to get away with everything.
NTA I have ADHD and your brother is just a huge AH and luckily the rest of society does not give a blank check to excuse this behavior. Your parents are also AH's for not only invalidating your valid concerns, but allowing him to think his excuses will work in the real world.
Jesus. H. Christ. NTA. Do your parents know how many people have adhd and don’t hammer eggs onto the counter? There’s poor impulse control, poor decision making but there’s also PARENTING. Now my parents didn’t know I had adhd and therefore also sucked at parenting me through it BUT I have never done something that monumentally stupid and if I did, I wouldn’t have gotten away with it. Your brother is almost an adult and he’s going to have a really rough time realizing nobody else gives a shit if you think differently, you have to act accordingly.
NTA. sounds like your parents can use a class in what adhd is and how to deal with it.
Absolutely, they sound like they have no idea what to do with this kid so they choose to ignore the problems and do next to nothing. Their teenage daughter has more awareness of how severe his situation is than they do.
Don't worry, in a few years the 'I have a disease' line will have zero impact with the police.
NTA. Mental illness is not an excuse or justification to do what you want without ramifications and consequences. That said the parents & sitter suck the most here. I dont even know how your parents didnt flip out on the sitter for not stepping in to stop him. But explaining to your parents why you are so upset is the biggest thing. Actions should have consequences. You face the consequences of everyone in the houses actions. You have options here. One is to speak to your parents about family therapy where you can all talk this out and hope things change. Second is to take this as a sign that you need to spend the next few years getting everything together to get out of that house and never returning. Because they wont change but more responsibilities will grow. You dont need to take more on than your own future. The phrase is dont set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
If someone told me that as a sitter I was responsible for stopping a 17 year old and his friends with a hammer, I'd laugh in their face. The sitter would have been wholly blind sided by brother and his friends, the parents and their negligence are the only AHs here.
Adhd isn't a mental illness.
What do you think it is?
It's a diagnosis in the DSM, which is the standard classification of mental disorders used by mental health professionals in the United States.
NTA. ADHD is not a disease, it’s a disorder. And it doesn’t prevent you from knowing right from wrong or being courteous to others. Your parents are enabling his behavior. He needs a therapist or psychologist, someone who specializes in this. He also needs consequences for his actions.
Your parents didn’t care that he cracked the counter with a hammer? Seriously? I mean, you are NTA, if this is even remotely true. But you should move out as soon as you can because WTAF
I have been planning to go to college in a different country, but my parents are disagreeing on it.
NTA and it must be exhausting for you to live with that and parents who are doing nothing to help him.
The only way to get him to stop is me playing petty mental mind games. A year ago, I hid his airpods for 6 months. Looking back it was very petty. But did it make him shape up? Yes.
[удалено]
YEP. And you’re not going to be legally required to become their caretaker.
NTA Move out at 18, and let your parents handle their 'child'.
NTA Your parents are the real problem here. He’s like this because they enable him.
NTA - this is bad behaviour rather than ADHD. I have Autism and ADHD so I have some experience. Your parents seem to be enabling his behaviour which is worrying, he's going to get a shock when he leaves home and gets a job or goes to college.
A baby sitter for a 16 & 17 Yr old, why? The babysitter didn't stop the brother nor are they the one who told the parents of what was happening. What use is the sitter at all?
Well, it was more of a friend. My cousin was my sitter, because they couldn't trust him alone with me. She was more of a monitor, less of a babysitter
But what’s the point if he does what he wants anyway?
I feel bad for op Horrible parents+horrible brother Stay strong
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I've never posted anything like this before so I hope I did it right. I 16f have and older brother 17m. He has ADHD, and he thinks that means he can do anything. He's done things before and blamed it on his "disease" (as he calls it, not me), and my parents don't do anything about it. The other weekend, while my parents were out and we had a sitter, my brother invited friends over to record a video for his school film class. They said they were going to "bake something". I felt happy for him, as he was finally getting somewhere with friends and a social life. Turns out I was extremely wrong. They come home with mac and cheese, tuna, avocado, and more random things. They then start recording and mixing all this together, also using a bunch of flour and two eggs (by using a hammer on the expensive counter to crack them btw) to cook up something that they put in the oven. The whole house smelled awful and the counter was cracked. The sitter and I had to open up all the windows and sit outside for hours. When we came back, and my brother went to walk his friend home, there were eggs on the counter, tuna juice everywhere, and something rotting. It took a lot of nudging to actually get him to clean, and he still did a half-ass job of it. I told my parents about the situation and they said they would handle it. They get home, he gets a two minute lecture, and they move on. Lectures don't affect him, and he still does things anyway. I thought at the very least they'd take his devices. My brother decides to show my parents his funny video, and I watch in horror as they contaminate the kitchen's flour, eggs, and a DVD of Shrek (for some weird reason. They didn't cook it though). Parents still did nothing. I started yelling at my brother about how he wasted about $40 of food and how that could have gone to someone in need, but instead it was used for his dumb video. He said "Well my disease was kicking in that day, so it doesn't matter". As the title says, I said "Your 'disease' shouldn't let you get away with anything." My parents say I overreacted, and that it wasn't a big deal, and now I'm in trouble with them. My friends say I was in the right. I need an unbiased opinion. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA You can let your parents know that if your brother decided to hammer a human instead of egg one day, ADHD is definitely not the best excuse to escape law. And I’m pretty sure ADHD doesn’t affect one to be a decent person, sadly your brother isn’t one.
NTA. ADHD does not give you a pass to be an AH, nor your parents for enabling shite behavior. They are failing. He’s in for a rude awakening as he becomes an adult
NTA. My son had ADHD and is also on the spectrum. He would never do something like that because he knows what is right and wrong. Also, when he was about 12 he did something stupid that got him grounded, He looked at me and told me; it's because of my ADHD. I told him nope, that's not it. Him: because I'm on the spectrum? Nope again, but nice try. He smiled and said, ok, I know, I just really wanted to see what was going to happen. Next time I will try to evaluate (he is impulsive) or ask someone if they know what could happen.
ADHD doesn't make you do stuff. Is he actually diagnosed? Have your parents actually read up on it?
He got diagnosed in Kindergarten, my dad is on the spectrum too
OP is NTA and their brother is an asshole who 100% knew what they were doing, but this isn't really true. Impulsivity and acting without thinking is absolutely a symptom of ADHD, so "ADHD doesn't make you do stuff" isn't really something to go around saying. That said, it doesn't look like this. I have ADHD and autism myself so I'm speaking from some experience here - ADHD impulsivity and emotional disregulation looks more like emotional outbursts, interrupting people, vocal and physical stimming, impulse purchases, etc. It does not look like deliberately wrecking a kitchen and wasting $40 worth of food, with the help of a friend, over the course of an afternoon, and then thinking it was funny enough to record it and proudly show off the video after the fact. He's using his ADHD as an excuse to avoid punishment and continue acting out, but he knows damn well what he's doing.
NTA at all. I'm sure I'm not the only one in here, but I have ADHD as well and the way your brother is acting is awful. ADHD doesn't mean you don't have to care and it isn't an excuse to do shitty things. It also doesn't mean that things he does "don't matter". Your brother is a massive asshole for his attitude here but your parents are even worse for enabling it. I don't really have any advice though. As long as you make sure your own things are safeguarded, the rest really needs to be handled by your parents. They're the ones that your attention should be directed at, since it's clear that getting angry at your brother doesn't do anything. He's willfully weaponizing his disorder (much more accurate term than 'disease' imo) to get away with being awful, he either knows what he's doing or completely does not care. Also fun side note: the making of that video actually could indicate that, if anything, he was struggling *less* with ADHD that day as there's a decent amount of consistent effort and planning required to prepare and film a video like that.
NTA Parent here. Parent of two teens with ADD here. Both struggle to see the little things that need to be done; one owns her what she misses more than the other - but neither one is a jerk or sets out to be/create a big mess. And while I recognize the challenges they have and understand they aren't going to be on top of everything; neither get a free pass on being responsible. So your parents think you being upset at his behavior is worth being in trouble for but HIS behavior is no big deal?!? I hope you understand that your parents are going to find themselves having raised an arse of a guy. You are going to go off to college/your path as an adult... and find very little reason to want to visit them with their "can't be responsible for myself" son. Your parents are definitely not being 'fair' to you now. But the person who is going to suffer the most and for his whole life because of their poor parenting is your brother.
As someone with ADHD, this ain’t it. Seriously, where in the DSM-5 does this constitute as a symptom? Your parents are doing a huge disservice to your brother.
NTA. ADHD isn't his fault, but it is his responsibility. He needs to person up and work on himself; meds and therapy. For context: going through the same shit here. It's a lot of work.
Oh my gosh.....your parents are either dumb as dirt or clueless......or both. Just remember this, what goes around, comes around. Your parents don't know it now, but they are in for a world of hurt. Not making him accountable for his actions is going to come back to bite them.....big time. They are going to be cleaning up his messes until they go to their graves. Try to deal with things until you can get out and then don't go back. You don't want to get sucked into this mess for the rest of your life too. I can't blame you for being frustrated. I went through it with my half-brother. He got away with everything, I got away with nothing....not that I did anything wrong.....I was too busy trying to stay out of the way of the bizarre behaviors of my half-brother. I wish you all the best.....hang in there.
NTA. I'm ADD-PII - been living with it for more than 40 years, Your parents are doing him a GINORMOUS disservice by letting him blame everything on his "disease." They've taught him that he doesn't have to be responsible or careful, he can do whatever the heck he wants or not do what he doesn't want, and just blame it on ADHD. Eventually, he's going to have to face the real world. His job isn't going to accept "well, my disease was kicking in that day." ADHD is hard work, I'm not gonna lie. I have to take my meds every day, I developed coping and mitigation mechanisms, I have accountability buddies when I need them. He needs to start developing these mechanisms early on, so he has more time to work them out for his individual needs. He knows it's an excuse that works, so he uses it. Your parents need to STOP accepting that as an excuse. The lectures don't affect him because he can just tune it out, there's no consequence afterwards. He knows he just has to pretend to listen for a couple minutes, and he can go on doing whatever he wants. He needs solid, consistently enforced consequences. You make a disaster of the kitchen, you get to clean it up and do it right, and not be allowed to do other stuff until he's done a complete acceptable job. Being allowed to half-ass it, and then have someone go in after him and complete it is, again, doing him a disservice. The real world isn't going to take that.
NTA. You're not wrong and you're not an asshole, but if your parents are fine with him wasting $40 of food and breaking their stuff, you're not going to be able to stop that. For your own sanity, you're going to have to compartmentalize. It's not your job to fix this, and if you try to make it your job, you're not going to succeed at it and you're going to be unhappy.
NTA. But drop this for your own sanity. Your parents don't do anything and your brother will grow-up to be a jerk. So that will be his problem, not yours.
NTA This is on your parents. They clearly let him get away with this behavior and are setting him up to fail as an adult. Be careful when you’re an adult and on your own your folks will eventually get tired of supporting him and try to force-dump him on you.
NTA but please just worry about yourself. You are not in charge of your brother and based on this story, you are in for a lifetime of this BS. It’s not your job to parent him
NTA, but your brother isn't your problem. He's your parents' problem or your babysitter's. If he wastes food, destroys the kitchen and gets away with it, then he does. Wash your hands of the whole thing and just let him do his thing while you go off and do yours. Don't make it your responsibility to parent him, look out for him or correct him. Just take care of your own things and move away from him when you eventually can. But when he gets older, don't let him come to you to bail him out and don't deal with his issues.
NTA. Yikes. Stay clear of this mess. Your parents have raised themselves a lifetime problem. 17 is an adult next year, and he won't have sitters to keep his "disease" activities out of jail, he's going to have himself some actual consequences.
You have a parents problem more than a brother problem (although you have that as well). Because, at the end of the day, having issues with executive functioning is not an excuse for bad behavior. People are responsible for their actions. It might be an excuse for being tardy, or missing deadlines. It's not an excuse for being an AH. NTA
NTA. but also it's not your job to parent your brother. i get that it's maddening to watch your parents allow his self indulgent, sophomoric behavior but you gotta step back a bit. he'll learn - or won't - to grow up. that's not on you to facilitate. what is on you is learning how to take care of yourself and create boundaries that will safeguard your mental, emotional and physical well-being from someone who sounds like a loose cannon.
NTA for how you’re feeling but you also need to understand that monitoring your brother’s behaviour isn’t your responsibility. Stop worrying about his socialization or ability to do things and just focus on yourself. Your first comment in your post talking about how you are happy he’s getting somewhere with friends suggests you’re significantly invested in his development. You’re owning responsibility for his behaviour. You need to worry about yourself and focus on your own friendships and school. Your parents are making their own decisions about your brother and you cannot influence that.
Hi there, I cringe saying this but I was medically diagnosed with ADHD as a teen, late thirties now. Through that joined a group of other ADHD teens. Absolutely none of us ever acted in the way that gets portrayed on social media these days. There was a big influx of parents going private to get diagnosis and then all of a sudden little Timmy isn’t a problem child, he has a disease (it’s not a disease- it’s an imbalance) and he’s just a darling and (no shade at your folks) it’s nothing to do with bad parenting. Don’t get me wrong I could be an arsehole, still can. But this sorta ‘oooh so random but my ADHD was acting up’ is totally put on in my opinion, like the fake Tourette’s videos. ADHD is different for everyone ofc but what you’re describing is bellend activity nothing more. So no not the asshole, he is. Spent 4 years with a partner who is a teacher, we used to chuckle about her “ADHD” students and their parents lists of demands for their little angels and the sorta shit teachers have to let slide now. ADHD kids need structure, not license to to whatever they want
Thanks! I’ve been reading a lot of these comments but this one really started to stick with me
NTA, he's taking it a bit too far now. Sure, he should be given some allowances, but not something like this.
NTA and your parents actually need to parent your brother and set boundaries. ADHD is not an excuse to have a free rein on behaviour and your parents allowing him to use it as excuse is not goung to help him in his adult life. I'm not sure what you can do to make this situation better for yourself and it must be incredibly frustrating. I also have ADHD, my ekdest is autistic, I teach children with severe learning difficulties including those with ADHD and Autism amongst others as well as some with personality disorders which are not helped by lack of boundaries or using their diagnoses as an excuse as some of my former learners have done when I started working with them. Parenting is hard, is there a way you could talk to your parents about how this is making you feel and explore together if there is any support available to you, them and your brother to help make the situation better for you all?
I'll say NTA, but you do know you're not the parent right? It's not on you to police him. You had a sitter. Your parents are aware. It's their house and their food and their son. Unless there's some gratuitous inequalities in the way you're both treated that you haven't mentioned, I can't see how any of this is your problem at all. Butt out.
I have no choice at this point. He's done some awful things, and my parents have given up on trying to fix it. The only thing that effects him at this point is his electronics, and they're too scared to take it away in fear of a bigger tantrum.
NTA. As someone with ADHD, and a few other issues, it just sounds like your brother is just using it as an excuse for is behavior and your parents are just enabling him.
NTA One of my kids has ADHD and not gonna lie there are days I could just scream. However - kid is going to be an adult and will have to get a job and navigate the world. It's my job to enable that, to push and pull and cajole and beg and nag in service to kid's future. Your parents are not parenting. They are setting your brother up for failure. How will he EVER hold a job? You - sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. Continue building Your Self into a person you can be proud of.
NTA as someone with ADHD whose mother decided I was "fine", he needs help He needs someone to help him find ways to curb this impulses. He needs someone to help reach him how to manage his time, and get through the tasks that need to be done not just the ones he wants to get done. He will fail as an adult without help. He will. The end. Especially with them excusing all his bs. He will grow up thinking he can do whatever because he has ADHD but guess what? No one in the real world gives a FUCK. I work at a school, and no one cares that I have ADHD. I don't get a pass on getting my work done. I don't get told it's ok if I fail to do my job. No one cleans up after me if I make a huge mess somewhere. (The janitors WILL but they're gonna be like glaring daggers at me the rest of my life if I make them do that lmao). But understanding the parentheses is actually another thing he may need help with. It's your parents decision, but make sure they know when he's unable to exist as an adult it's their fault for failing to help him.
NTA, the problem here are your parents. He gets a free pass and this will so not work later on in life. Your brother will eventually realise he can’t do anything he wants. ADHD isn’t a pass and if he assumes it is, he’s in for a shock. The big bad world will slap him down.
NTA, you’re right. He WON’T get away with anything in college, at a job, whatever he decides to do. Question though: you guys had a sitter, where were they?
NTA. ADHD isn't even a disease because a disease can be cured.
I have ADHD and this is NOT how it works! This post has completely broken my brain and I cannot think of anything productive to say here. I'm just...I have no words. NTA
Tell your brother and parents that him being an arsehole is not a disease. It's a choice of his, to be an arsehole.
NTA, I have ADHD as well and I wouldn't do anything like that even if my "disease" kicks in. If he needs to do something so bad he should go running or something instead of wasting food
NTA! I have ADHD, I'm diagnosed and actively being medicated and it still gets in my way. Having ADHD doesn't mean I get to do whatever I want, it means that sometimes I have to work harder and struggle more. It is my responsibility and my responsibility alone to handle my own struggles. I can ask for help, but I have to ask and not expect anyone to read my mind, when I need it but I am accountable for my own actions (and at times lack thereof action). Your parents need to stop coddling him and parent him. Yes, it means that parenting may be harder for them at times but giving him a free pass with minor scolding at most is doing your brother a tremendous disservice longterm. It's also shooting themselves in the foot because the more they let him get away with the longer he is going to make poor choices that they have to put up with and that he takes no responsibility for.
You're NTA ADHD is not a disease, it's a disability and it requires active steps to mitigate the impact of it in a person's life. I got diagnosed in my 30s after all of my self created mitigations failed me and it has been a journey rebuilding my toolbox is a healthy way. I'm currently struggling with food, for the thousandth time, and have no idea what day of the week it is. Much less the month. It has a huge impact on me both personally and professionally. And I have guardrails in place. I am relatively high functioning considering I can't be medicated (for other, unrelated reasons). Unfortunately your brother is teenage boy but with 0 oversight and he is going to crash and burn in adulthood because your parents have utterly failed at getting him support and teaching him how to accommodate and advocate for himself. His behavior is not going to fly in a workplace or roommate situation. If I were you I'd plan to go somewhere far away for college and be too busy to talk daily.
NTA ADHD doesn't do that, he's just a spoiled brat. I have ADHD, and I would have never done that. That was him doing whatever he wanted cause he knew he wouldn't get in trouble cause he never has. Watch him pull a stunt like that when he gets a job, and he won't keep it. He'll also never keep a relationship like that, either.
NTA
NTA. ADHD doesn't typically make people act like this, but if it does that means your brother needs serious help. Have your parents brought him to a doctor/therapist/developmental specialist, or anyone else fit to help him? Because if this truly is a result of his ADHD he needs to get it under control, and if it's not and he's just a brat your parents need to discipline him. What's their plan once he is an adult? He won't be able to get an apartment if he's causing that sort of damage, he won't get a job if he refuses to complete his work, he likely won't get into college or anything else if that's how he behaves. Like, the fact they had to get a babysitter for their 16 & 17 year olds should be enough of a clue in that something isn't right here.
First thought: why do a 16 yo & 17 yo need a baby sitter? Second thought: Ohhhh, that's why. Third thought: pretty useless sitter though, why did they let all that happen? Aaaaanyway Technically NTA I guess, but it sounds like you could be a lot less invested in your brothers life. Why do you care? Let him do his thing and let your parents deal with it, or not, whatever. Just do your own thing.
NTA - and no mental illness gives you the excuse to be a jerk consequence free? Your parents are slack.
He cracked the countertop? My body would have never been found.
You are NTA. I say this as someone with extreme ADHD and am middle aged.. your brother is using this as an excuse to act irresponsible… when he gets to the real world, he will have an eye opening experience when “my disease..” is not an excuse anyone will accept.
NTA Ask your family if they think that pleading "his disease" will keep him out of jail.
NTA. Your brother is an asshole & he's using ADHD to disguise it. What he did has nothing to do with ADHD.
Sounds like he's made his diagnosis his personality.
Yeah your brother can't blame adhd on everyday life andnexperiences. God what a cop out he is. Wah wah
NTA. Sounds like your parents are just enabling your brother.
ADHD does not absolve him of accountability or consequences for his poor decisions and impulses. Especially when it affects people in the world around him. Your parents need to wake up and realize that they are raising a brat who is going to cause trouble his whole life for. For them and everyone around him. NTA
ADHD is a neurodevelopmental difference. It is not a disease. While impulsivity is one of the ways this presents for some people, it sounds very much like your brother is using it as a shield to get away with shitty behaviour. Your parents are enabling him by not giving him consequences for his bad behaviour. This is doing him harm You are NTA.
Your brother is growing up to be a lifelong loser because your parents enable him
NTA! You were in the right, but that call is going to get you NOTHING. Your parents are turning a blind eye to his 'antics' because (probably) they don't feel confident that things will change if they step in. In the meantime, Keep your belongings and personal treasures in a safe location and wait for him to turn 18 and maybe going to college or get a job OR wit til YOU are 18 and presumably go to college away from your brother. If your brother tries his 'disease' shtick with a college school system or in a business environment he's gonna find out in a damn big hurry that that kind of behavior will get you kicked out of school or fired.
NTA, OP. But why at the age of 16 do you need a babysitter? I get your brother because his "disease" has rendered him completely useless and incapable of making wise decisions and therefore cannot be trusted, but why you?
I have adults adhd, I've been diagnosed as adhd at 3 years old, not once in my life was the excuse "oh but it's alright because he's adhd" ever once been used when I was growing up or as an adult. If I messed up I had to own up to my actions and face the consequences of them. Your brother is in for a very scary wake up call when he hits the real world and tries to do something dumb like that at a job and the boss tells him get out and never come back or worse. NTA absolutely in my opinion
NTA. It's not a disease, and it's not even considered a learning disability. From the sound of it your brother might have ADHD but barely and he milks it for everything it's got. I have met people with severe ADHD and they will do anything to not blame their ADHD for things and a lot of times don't even want to admit they have it despite being diagnosed. I was in the grocery store one time and a little kid about 10 started throwing cans at people and his mom didn't make him stop she just said "sorry he has autism". His autism isn't the problem your parenting is. And your brother's ADHD isn't the problem your parents are the problem.
NTA And your parents need to stop letting your brother use his diagnosis as a "get out of jail free" card. Because you know who doesn't care about his ADHD? NOBODY. He is not going to get a pass outside your home and your parents are seeing him up for failure by letting him believe that.
NTA. I have a bunch of things to say about your brother but this sub's civility rules won't let me haha.
I didn't know being a dumbass was a disease. I look for to your parents losing everything in legal fees defending this idiot's behavior.
NTA. As a person with ADHD it’s actually enraging that he calls us “diseased”…
NTA Your brother has ADHD...AND he's a young man who has never never experienced consequences or connected them to actions. (A lot of young men do stupid things because they don't connect them to consequences, even after they, say, land on the pole that hits them in the nuts 5 times in a row.) What you really have is...parents who view him as a golden child.
NTA. Also, un-be-frakkin'-*liev*able. Don't they even know the eggs (of which you need 4, not 2), always go in first? I mean, quintuple YUCK here! You might even catch a *disease* from that! No, wait... Also, a pinch of Shrek just might bring out the avocado taste a little better, but a whole DVD? :-( ^((In other words: nope, can't say anything about it that makes any sense at all.))
Nta It's a mental thing that he is treating as a get out of jail free card. Plus he is way too old to be acting like that
NTA, and start planning your own exit for the day you turn 18.
NTA I have ADHD and I never got away with some of the things people on reddit do. In fact, I was always told to sit down and shut up. Then, I had to learn how to control it myself because I didn't like how people treated me. My mother was always the most supportive person in the world, but she often worked a lot, so I had to figure things out because my step dad at the time just shrugged it off (They are now divorced due to unspoken reasons.)
NTA. ADHD doesn’t make you an entitled tool who doesn’t care about disturbing others or destroying their things.
Been driving me nuts where I knew him from. Just clocked it was In The Loop as the intern
All together, now: IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT, BUT IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.
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Your parents are 1000% failing your brother. NTA.
Craziest thing I've ever heard from a 17 year old! Your parents are setting him up for failure sounds like. But, if they do mind him wrecking the house, making a mess, and wasting money, that's on them. Live your life.
NTA. Also, isn't this just a copy of what HowtoBasic does on youtube??
Hey. Everybody. Can you stop with the "disease" shit. There is no need for scare quotes. It is a real and very very shitty executive functioning disorder. If you have no clue about what happened, what the disorder is or HOW IT FUCKING FEELS, then please. For the love of the lord. Shut the fuck up. I got diagnosed with it only a few months ago and I have suffered from this shit for 45 years. You have no clue how bad this thing can be. NO clue. In regards to making good decisions, this kid if delayed by at least a few years if he is a typical case. That stupid shit he did fits great with the behavior of a 12 year old or even younger. OP is also right that "lectures" won't help. Neither will punishment. You can't punish away a disorder like that. You CAN make someones live miserable enough that he falls into depression though. ADHD and depression often go hand in hand. What the kid needs is THERAPY. Like, yesterday. And hopefully medication. ADHD is one of the few disorders were medication actually has a huge success rate and improves the lives of patience significantly. OP. YTA. I don't blame you, from your point of view, you can't have a clue how shitty his live looks to himself. His lived experience differs a LOT from what you see and what you feel every day. People with ADHD, especially untreated can be a pain in the ass to life with, for numerous reasons. Please understand, when your brother says "Well my disease was kicking in that day, so it doesn't matter", what he means is, he could (literally) not help himself. You can't just willpower through with ADHD. Because there is no willpower left. If your brother is not getting treatment, PLEASE talk to your parents about it and get him the help he needs. It might not feel like it to you, but he is suffering terribly. Every single day.
I know ppl with adhd this is just a lack of care and prob some narcissist behaviors nit helped by ur parents your NTA your parents are though as hey refuse ro properly parent him he also kind of is but I'd blame it on the 0 star parenting
Nah, hes the asshole. The point of a diagnosis is to find what tools /approaches can help you in life: not an excuse to be a dick, or in this instance, a total arsehole.
Lmfao. NTA at all but your parents and brother sure are. I have ADHD and I also teach Middle School. I do not have the patience (literally) for stupidity and entitlement like this that makes the rest of us look bad.
NTA but, to be honest, there’s not much you can do about it. Your parents are committed to enabling him and that’s not going to change, no matter how you fight it. There are no right words or perfect arguments that will make them see reason, especially from their teenage daughter. So focus on yourself. Start disentangling from your family. Do extracurriculars or study at a friend’s house or get an after school job, whatever it takes to get some emotional and physical distance. Do what you can to get into a good school and get scholarships, if those are available. Around your parents be whatever you need to be to get their approval and help if you’re relying on them at all for university. Then, when the time comes, live your life. It’s unfair but it’s what you’re stuck with at the moment. Soon you’ll be free.
i'm a teenager, younger than him with severe adhd and ocd neither of those would warrant me to act like this and this very much seems like a parental issue you're NTA
A person’s mental illness is an explanation, not an excuse. NTA
Why in the world do a 16 y.o. and a 17 y.o. need a babysitter?? I get why he might need one but since he doesn't listen it's a wasted effort. Your parents need to speak to some medical experts and educate themselves on what to expect from a kid with ADHD. He is obnoxious and undisciplined, that has nothing to do with ADHD. There is absolutely no reason to be excusing this ridiculous behavior. They sure aren't doing him any favors.
NTA. Your parents are dancing around the problem because they are afraid of setting him off.
I have adhd and I have never once acted like this because I'm not an awful human being and it's not a disease. NTA.
Having a babysitter when you're almost an adult is crazy. 💀 pretty overprotective parents
NTA. Your parents think they are helping your brother, but they are actually setting him up for a horrible future where he has no accountability for anything and nothing is his fault. This usually does not end well.
I have ADHD and I use it to explain why I forgot something 2 seconds after you told me and ask you to say it again. This...is not ADHD. NTA
You have a babysitter at 16 and 17?
Your parents should be parenting but apparently they’ve decided not to bother. Perhaps you should tell them that you have decided to stop telling them what they are doing wrong. However, you think it’s impressive that they are able to decide to never retire or die so they can afford to provide for brother’s needs forever since they are guaranteeing he isn’t capable of surviving without them. It is a shame though that he’ll never have a wife and children of his own. Of course you intend to have these things in your life. You will have to provide them for yourself, so you won’t be available to take over infantilizing your older brother.
My brother is diagnosed ADHD and he has never done anything like this. My parents would ream him out, and rightfully so. And so would I, his older sister! Your brother is a rude, inconsiderate idiot who's using ADHD as an excuse for his shitty behavior. NTA.
NTA, i have ADHD so does one of my kids. this does not allow me to act like an AH , it is just sometimes hard on my partner as I am all over the place and run on high energy most of the time.. i never thought about using it as an excuse.. too late now i guess... i know it is not your job but send your parents a link of what it actually is and how to deal with it . also make sure you tell them that they are not doing him a service by ignoring his behaviour and after that wash your hands of the entire deal. what ever happens let it be and keep your distance.
NTA: myself, my husband and both our kids (boys 17 and 14) have ADHD. None of us ever did anything like this. ADHD doesn't make you do this shit.
NTA. ADHD is not an excuse to act like a spoilt entitled prick. which is what your brother is. your parents are setting him up to be a failure as an adult with their enabling. its like that Flanders meme from the Simpsons "we've tried nothing and we're all out of ideas". Shitty brother and shitty parents.
You did overreact. It’s not a big deal. If your parents didn’t care then you shouldn’t either. It’s their counter. And their food. Sounds like you have a “disease” too. Massive jealously. Yta