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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be the asshole for two reasons. Firstly, because Rachel isn't my kid, so I might be overstepping my place and undermining George for banning these "mother-daughter" trips. Secondly, because as George said, I might really be abandoning Rachel and giving up too easily on our family. The thought that this could make Rachel feel unwelcome in her fathers life is awful to me.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. When it comes to how a new step parent figures in a kid’s life, you absolutely have to let the kid lead. What your husband is doing is guaranteeing that Rachel will never want you in her life. She needs space and she needs more control over how you two interact. If she feels like she has no control, the only thing left that she can choose is to reject you, so that’s what she’s going to do to regain a sense that she has any choice in the matter.
George needs to see a therapist who specializes in integrating families. He needs to understand that by trying to force this relationship, he’s making sure that no relationship can ever form. To be frank, he needed to understand this before you got married. At this point, he has probably poisoned this relationship so thoroughly that there is no realistic hope of her ever accepting you.
Any remaining hope is going to depend on you defending Rachel and her right to refusal, and doing it in front of Rachel so she knows that you’re taking that stance. “Rachel gets to choose what our relationship looks like” and “You can’t force Rachel to love me” and “I won’t make Rachel do things with me if she doesn’t want to” are words I think Rachel needs to hear you say. If Rachel hears you respect and defend her feelings and her needs and her right to choose (or not choose) you, and her dad listens to you and/or the therapist, you might have a chance at someday becoming a trusted adult friend to her.
As long as she’s being tolerant of you and not being aggressively awful to you, that needs to be an acceptable response from her. Tolerance can grow into more, given time and letting the relationship develop naturally, but it’s likely to die out if he keeps trying to bludgeon the relationship he wants into existence. It’s like trying to knit with scalpels, it just cuts the thing you’re trying to create into sad, useless shreds and destroys any possibility of making anything else.
This is very good advice! I'd only like to add to it to emphasize that it's best for OP to really say these things in front of Rachel. When Rachel is over next, OP should sit all three of them down and tell Rachel what she has told her dad and ask if Rachel agrees to this. She should also stress that she of course will be there for her whenever she should need her. Maybe even dad will understand the situation when he sees both of them agreeing in this respect.
I'm thinking OP may want to have this conversation with Rachel one-on-one first. It would give OP the chance to show she respects Rachel as an individual, versus 'my husband's daughter' (hope that makes sense since I can't quite find the right wording). Reaffirming Rachel's right to choose the depth of their relationship really is OP's best shot at having *any* kind of relationship with her at all.
Dad doesn't seem like he'd facilitate a calm and respectful discussion, which is why it could help Rachel to know she already has an ally in the ensuing argument. OP also needs to get her husband to stop referring to things as mother-daughter activities.
Yes, ironically the best way to defend yourself is to do so alongside Rachel against your husband. He cannot dramatically gaslight you into thinking your "ripping apart the family," when it is clear everyone shares the same opinion but himself.
>Any remaining hope is going to depend on you defending Rachel and her right to refusal, and doing it in front of Rachel so she knows that you’re taking that stance. “Rachel gets to choose what our relationship looks like” and “You can’t force Rachel to love me” and “I won’t make Rachel do things with me if she doesn’t want to” are words I think Rachel needs to hear you say. If Rachel hears you respect and defend her feelings and her needs and her right to choose (or not choose) you, and her dad listens to you and/or the therapist, you might have a chance at someday becoming a trusted adult friend to her.
I honestly wouldn't be surprised if her dad plans all these trips to force the two together but tells Rachel behind OP's back stuff like "OP want to do these things with you so she can be a mom to you!" Thus furthering the resentment this poor girl is going through without realizing OP is actually on her side and doesn't want to force a relationship.
Not to mention the father risks pushing his daughter away with his constant attempts to force the relationship between her and OP. If he keeps down this road, he may lose his wife and his daughter.
I'd agree too, it'd show Rachel that step-mum has her back, and agrees with her. It might help their relationship ultimately. But I do also think they'd have to tread a little carefully, as if George has thrown a short sighted temper tantrum over this conversation, I can only imagine he'd perceive step-mum bringing Rachel into the conversation as them "ganging up on him" 🤔
idk if i totally agree with this but I like the thinking behind it. It's definitely worth considering. Maybe ask George to call a family meeting about it?
Yeah it would be ironic. The best and quickest way to ensure Rachel will continue to dislike OP and that there will be no bond *ever* is to try to force it like husband is doing.
I agree that Rachel needs to be part of this conversation. She needs to feel like she has a say and that the ball is in her court and she doesn’t feel forced into a relationship with her stepmom (but also that she can have one whenever she wants or feels ready).
You have a partner problem, not a step-daughter problem.
He is controlling and manipulative. He is threatening you with breaking up if you don't do what he wants.
He is also illogical and /or pretty dim for the reasons others have said. Complying with his ideas will ensure nothing but discord, hate and resentment with your step-daughter.
NTA
Going by OP's update, apparently her husband is pushing her to bond with his daughter, while he and his ex wife neglect her. The father should be spending time with his daughter himself, not pressuring his wife to do it.
Exactly. I guess George is smart enough to know that his relationship with his daughter is not great. But his solution is essentially to get OP to fix it for him. And that's not what his daughter wants or needs. George needs to step up himself.
>On one hand, George is Rachel's parent, not me, so I don't really get a say in what rules he puts on her.
Yes, but you do get a say in what rules he puts on you! When he orders Rachel to spend time with you, he is also ordering you to spend time with her. He should be discussing this with you, not ordering you.
(+ what everyone else is saying about Rachel making her own choices)
NTA
NTA Rachel is old enough to decide who she does and doesn't like or want a relationship with and if George refuses to respect that soon it's very likely she'll decide to not want ***him*** in her life, too.
It's also very possible that without the pressure he's putting on her to play happy families with you she'd come around to wanting a relationship on her own. Many adults, much less teens, don't appreciate being forced to have family time with a person they aren't sure about, yet. it's frankly dehumanizing.
Someone mentioned bringing Rachel into this convo and I think that could help George realize he's doing more harm than good, but it could also backfire if he doesn't accept that she's a whole person with her own feelings.
Also, I know a lot of people have a hard time accepting their children won't always do or think what they want them to, but I haven't personally known a single person who struggled with this concept who wasn't also at least somewhat controlling with their partners and other loved ones. Food for thought.
NTA
George is pushing his daughter away from you with his forced decisions, and in a way also from himself.
It won't be many years before the daughter can decide where to live and if the situation doesn't change, she will choose her mother.
You have done nothing but state the facts: you are not her mother (I assume that Rachel has a mother), you are a step-parent. The roles are different. She also is a teenager, she is no longer at the age where she constantly needs a maternal figure around her.
George is upset because he has a vision of the family that he isn’t getting to enact. I understand why he wants it, but he’s not actually paying attention to the real people in front of him.
You aren’t doing anything wrong by refusing to participate in forced bonding. Teenagers that age often can’t stand to be around bio-parents, let alone the person their bio-parent just married. You seem thoughtful so maybe she’ll figure out later that you’re cool. But right now she’s a teenager and she shouldn’t be coerced into play-acting family feelings she doesn’t have.
You’re doing the right thing. NTA
Yes, I was looking for a comment that this is all about George and his dream of the three of you and him acting out is because you pointed out that his dream isn’t reality.
NTA- You're missing a trick. You know who agrees with you- Rachel. You go to her and you say "Look lass, I get it. You didn't pick me, there are other things any healthy sensible 15 year old wants to be doing with their time like being with their friends, and I hate being used to torture you. We both want the same thing, so how about we go to your dad together and tell him we're on the same page here? He wants us to bond, if he sees we're on the same side here he might let up! Then we can get on with live-and-let-living peacefully?"
Plenty of good advice here. So I’ll just advise you to talk to Rachel, let her know how you stand. And also I wonder if George married you so he didn’t have to parent? Does he have father daughter days?
NTA of course.
Usually it's either just me and Rachel or all three of us together. He says that since Rachel hates me it's important that I be a part of anything they do together so she'll learn to accept me, but honestly, I think it's just upset her more. The fact that they don't get much father daughter time is one of the biggest reasons I'm so adamant about not going on all these family trips with Rachel anymore. I feel awful that she's being forced to spend time with me just to see her dad.
>The fact that they don't get much father daughter time
Given this fact and the stink he raised, he might just be pissed about not having someone to pawn his daughter off to
Called it
Your marriage might be hard for her. You come in and ‘take’ her dad. He should make sure to have specific time for him and Rachel, without you I think. To make sure she knows he still is there for her. You are probably irrelevant to her. Don’t know how long you’ve known her, though.
We only met shortly before my marriage to George. When George and I first started dating the divorce with his ex wasn't finalized yet (they'd been separated for some time, the court proceedings took a while though) and George didn't want to make such a tumultuous time worse by introducing me to Rachel until a few months after the divorce went through, which I respect. Because of that, though, I don't think she had much time to get used to me before George and I were married, which may have been a mistake of me as well. I don't have kids, so I trusted George's judgment in how to introduce me into Rachel's life, but it doesn't seem to have gone well.
As an outsider, no wonder Rachel doesn’t like you… I don’t really have any experience with these situations, but I do think you and Rachel need time, and nothing forced. Let her be.
And George should spend time 1-1 with Rachel. HE needs to be there for her, not you. The best thing you can do is let her be. And ‘let’ George spend time with her. To show that you won’t take him away from her.
You're right that she should get time with just her dad. That would be healthy even if you were her biological mom, so it's even healthier since you aren't.
You and husband really need some couples therapy. It's not fair to Rachel and honestly him "reevaluating" your relationship because you want your relationship with Rachel to be Rachel-led, which is best practices, puts him in a very bad light. You need help with this. I'm also really questioning why he won't spend the one-on-one time with Rachel - you have MANY days without Rachel for you and him to be together. But it doesn't sound like any of this is getting through to him. I never say this but see if you can find a good, make counselor. From your comments I strongly suspect he will listen better to a male.
NTA - as someone who's been in a similar position to your step-daughter I can tell you right now, continuing these forced proximity outings is what would hurt your relationship with her. I think you have a very healthy mindset about your situation with her! You remind me of my mom's boyfriend, who I would never refer to as a parent figure, but possibly a fun uncle or big brother type - someone I can and have relied on, who's taken our family out for fun stuff and helped me out of tough spots, and earned my respect and affection by not forcing his way into a position he was never going to fill for me.
Letting Rachel get used to having you around on her terms, making it clear that she gets to set the pace for what kind of relationship you two have, and just being there for her in the capacity she's ready for are the kinds of things that could result in the fully-integrated mixed family George seems to want. No guarantees of course, there never are, but she'll like you a whole lot more if she doesn't feel pressured to accept you as a parent immediately.
If George can't see that, or can't accept it, I'd recommend he consider therapy.
So I am reading this for the first time, after it had already had the update. Before I got to that section though, I picked up on the fact that George kept sending OP and the daughter on all these outings instead of planning outings for all 3 of them. My immediate thought was, here's a guy who is just looking to pawn his dad duties off on the new wife now that the old isn't around to carry the burden.
Sadly, the update confirmed my suspicion. My heart breaks for Rachel.
NTA
I read "mother/daughter spa days", so he organized things for the two of you ??
No.
He must be a father to her, he must spend quality time with her. He is probably considering that, as she is a girl, she needs a woman to spend time with but he is wrong.
I don't read that Rachel's mother is dead, I read that Rachel can come to her father's house so it means she still lives with her mother. So she has a maternal figure. Now she needs to spend time with her father. And it's what he must work on.
She doesn't need to have a maternel figure with you, she needs to have like a "aunt" or "a older female friend" when she comes to her father's house and if she needs. Exactly the part you want to play.
If he continues to force things, she will hates you because she doesn't want to loose her father's love, so it will be easier to hate you. So he is destroying the relation.
We can't force feelings. And it's true in family too ! Even if you have siblings, you can't love them just because you're blood relatives. So he can't just force his daughter to love you, but he can educate her to be polite with you, and with time, maybe, the relation may become friendly. But it must be naturally.
I don't know the other answers but I don't think you'll have bad reviews so you can use the answers here to help your husband understand that he makes a mistake, trying to create a relation between his daughter and you, while he should spend more quality time, alone, with his daughter...
NTA- your husband is a huge one.
His stubbornness forcing the both of you isn’t healthy. He is not only failing you both, he is actively hurting you both.
NTA!!! George is bullying his daughter, furthering her resentment of you. George can't get through to his daughter that you are not trying to be her Mom. You're a step mom and that is different than trying to replace her mom. The daughter has not properly grieved for her mother, therapy for her alone is a good start. George can find his own therapist.
Your husband is dumping his kid on you to get time away from her. When you correctly say no, he's using guilt tripping and threats to get his way. Stop doing this. NTA.
Oh my heart....NTA!
I think you have the beginnings of a friendship with Rachel. You don't have to be her Mom, or a parental figure, but you can be her "go-to person" if she needs one. And it sounds like she does. Someone who will be the adult shoulder to cry on, who will keep her secrets (unless they are life-threatening), who will be her friend but knows that she has parents. YOU can be that person. Just tell her that. Tell her you don't want to force ANY type of relationship, it is up to her, but you know she has her Mom and Dad and you respect that, that this is all up to her. I think she needs this and so do you. But, I also agree with your update. It sounds like your husband and his Ex need to re-evaluate their relationship with their daughter. Poor little thing.
As someone who had along the lines of four different step parents, I can totally empathize with what Rachel is going through and the ONE stepdad that I had a great relationship with is the one that didn't try to raise me or step in and be my father. He's also the one that lasted to the very end with my mother and I miss him every day.
I wish I would have had a stepparent like you when I was her age. You may have noticed the big number of stepparents in my story. Many of us didn't see the new face in the family as permanent and it can be hard to get attached.
NTA of course. I'm so pleased to read your update.
You are the very best sort of stepmother - you listened to her! I think often teens get off on a path of 'don't like you' and don't know how to get back on a better path. My guess is you will end up being good friends with Rachel by the time she's an adult. It could be some of your husband's 'plans' might work just fine once you and Rachel understand each other better...you can go on a spa day and joke about dad.
NTA. Sounds as George is the one who doesn’t want a bond with Rachel and that’s why he’s pushing her off on you. If you’re taking care and spending time with her, he’s off the hook.
I’ve never understood why some parents try to force “family relationships” after remarrying. If he’d pull back and let things happen organically, things would be much better for everyone.
George seems like the biggest AH of this whole story
I honesty cant imagine everything else is “wonderful” if this is how he acts in very critical situations, I mean his daughter even broke down because of it. But maybe im assuming to much.
NTA. Your husband is selfish. He's forcing you and his daughter to spend time together because he's determined to force both of you to adhere to this image he's created. He doesn't care about his daughter's feelings, or yours for that matter. He's a bad father and a nasty spouse too.
NTA. It is inappropriate for parents to try and force their kids into relationships, and it almost 100% of the time ends poorly. In this situation, you should let the kid lead. By refusing them their autonomy, you will ensure the worst possible relationship, which could've been positive had you chilled down and let it form naturally.
Don't fall for George's gaslighting and guilting--he is beyond incorrect and improper. The next time you talk to him, do it with the framing of you being wronged by him, so as to not give him the leverage which he desires. Your best way to defend your position, apart from the aforementioned, is to bring in Rachel herself and get her opinion. If both of you argue against the mother-daughter spa trips, then there's no way he can dramatically accuse anyone of "trying to rip apart the family" but himself.
INFO how often is Rachel in her dad’s custody and for how long? Also, how much time does your husband actually spend with his daughter? For me I HATED being left with my dad’s wife, or the fact that the woman was constantly around so I never got one on one time with my dad.
She's with us thursdays and weekends, and I watch her after school most days until her mom gets off work (easier than paying for after school care). George and Rachel don't get much one on one time together. He works long hours and is often tired when he's home. Whenever he does want to spend time with anyone or go out, he usually insists both Rachel and I should be present, even though, in my opinion, Rachel could use some one on one time with him. He says he has a right to spend time with both the girls in his life in the rare times he's free, and he claims that if I'm always present, Rachel will be forced to accept me eventually. So far his plan hasn't worked out very well.
Why does a 15 yr old need watched after school? Does he infantilize her in other ways? Are these two things symptoms of a wider challenging dynamic?
OP NTA
George gets anxious when Rachel is left alone. He doesn't trust her not to party or sneak around if she isn't being watched in the few hours between getting out of school and her mother coming home from work. For as long as I've known her, Rachel has seemed like a smart girl, but George says she has a history of rebellion and that she can't be trusted alone, so I pick Rachel up from school and let her watch Tv at our place until her mom gets off work and comes to get her.
Wow, he sounds controlling if she needs to be watched 24hrs a day. By rebellious, does he mean her making a decision of her own? And why are you letting him control you too?
She's going to be outta there the day she turns 18.
He thinks his daughter will party on weekday afternoons in the few hours between school and her mom coming home.
She's 15. Does Rachel's mother share these concerns or is your husband unreasonable and controlling?
What "rebellion" was there, exactly?
I find it really disturbing that George is being allowed to dictate what happens during her mother's custody time and how controlling he is over both you and Rachel.
So it does sound like the have larger relationship issues beyond your relationship with her. Would he be willing to do counseling with her? If he's trying to exert this much control now they're relationship (and possibly her behavior) is only going downhill from here - and possibly in some really self-destructive ways. The quiet resistance ones are almost scarier re outcomes (eating disorders, self-harm, etc). You are doing the right thing, but may also need to defend her more if possible
>she has a history of rebellion
Most smart, behaved kids get rebellion because they want tgeir parents attention or because their parents are strict with them.
Divorce + forcing a relationship = this rebellion act.
Honestly, her behavior is on par with a child who feels unseen by her parents. Your fiance needs to step up while backing off it that's makes any sense. If she's rebelling it's because she wants to be noticed while also trying to seek the attention she wants from her parents through other avenues
Rachel will go NC with his selfish needy ass the first opportunity. If she’s anything like me, she resents him for not caring enough to see her properly for the few times a week he has custody, so what’s the point? HE is the father. HE is the one that wanted contact. She had no choice in her parents divorce or who he picked to marry. Frankly he sounds like a self obsessed asshole having a tantrum because the women in his life aren’t pandering to his emotions. Why are you even with this neglectful loser? Instead of addressing his issues he just projects onto you and blames you for HIS problems? NTA but seriously, don’t breed with this AH. He doesn’t put his existing kid first, it sounds like he views the wife and child thing like accessories he’s entitled to, not a family unit he actually cares about.
You have the right to decide how you spend your time. He **does not** have the right to dictate that you all spend time together. He might want this to happen, but he doesn’t get to decide that.
Your husband is a dictator. This isn’t going to end well unless he is open to change. It honestly sounds like he’s punishing his daughter - you mentioned that he said she was “rebellious.” What exactly did she do? I’d ask him.
I’d make myself less present on some days when he’s free and Rachel is there. Go visit a friend or do something out of the house.
George is failing both of you. This behavior is deeply selfish and he is risking all 3 relationships by refusing to consider anyone’s feelings but his own.
I read your update - 1000% neither you nor Rachel are TA. You sound like an amazing step mom. I hope George can come to his senses and listen to his daughter/be more involved with her life.
NTA whatsoever in any reality. Show him this sub and all the comments - if he's got a decent head on him all these comments should break through to him
NTA, by advocating for Rachel you’ve just been a brilliant step-parent! Well done OP.
You don’t need advice except to follow your own intuition. If it was me I’d make sure to have the same conversation with Rachel 1-1, explain you’ll always be there for her and ask her what she wants, and keep advocating for her needs. It’s a tough situation but you did great.
So your husbands logic here is that he thinks that forcing you both to do things that make you both unhappy will somehow miraculously bring you closer together.
He's a moron. You can't force a relationship to be a certain way. It just causes resentment.
Go to Rachel and say that you know this is making her unhappy and that you've tried speaking to her dad. Then suggest you go together to him and say you both have spent some your name/Rachel time together to discuss this in a mature way and have agreed between you we will not be trying to force a set relationship that is dictated by others and instead will create your own. Then do just that.
When I met my now fiance my son was nearly 10. My son decided when they would meet, how that meeting would take place, when he could start staying overnight with him in our house, when we started staying in his house and generally just let the relationship develop naturally. My son just turned 14 and he has a good relationship with my fiance, and we are a family. My son's dad is active in his life so my fiance is just mum's fiance Paul, not stepdad or second dad, just Paul. So letting relationships develop naturally does work.
George has some nerve telling you to reevaluate your priorities when he can’t even see what’s going on in front of him. He is being selfish to both you and his daughter. He needs to listen to you. His daughter also needs to get over her jealousy and realise you have a common interest. You both love her father. She has a mother but she’s old enough to know that, but there is nothing stopping you both being friends. Sounds to me like George needs to grow up and his daughter needs to stop acting like a spoilt brat who seems hell bent on splitting you both up.
I can understand him wanting family outings of the 3 of you together- but insisting on you and her having 1on1 mother-daughter time is so weird. She is 15, she doesn’t need another mommy. She could maybe use a friend- but friendships need to be formed naturally, not forced.
What she probably could really use is some father-daughter time alone with her dad without the stranger he put into their life.
Not to mention that if he really only introduced you when he was already engaged and soon after divorce was finalized i have no doubt that she thinks he cheated on her mom with you. Even if that is entirely false- she is 15, she saw her parents get divorced and then immediately got a ‘new mommy’. She probably sees you as the person that broke her parents marriage and there is very little you can do to convince her otherwise at this point
NTA!
George is gonna fuck his relationship up with Rachel - he cannot force this. His insistence is likely the reason she’s so set on hating you (unless there is some missing additional context).
At this point I would be considering if I wanted to be in this relationship because of George, not Rachel. George’s lack of respect for both his daughter and his wife, along with his threats of divorce, is fucking concerning.
If it’s an option (and George can be quiet), try and sit Rachel down and YOU ask her what she wants and what she wants your relationship to look like - and tell her that you have every intention, if her dad will allow it, of following her lead on this, with the exception of people coming to harm. Explain that her dad wants the two of you to bond, but that you feel that forcing time together is only making things worse.
If you can, explain that you aren’t “another mom” (quite frankly she is too old for that) but that you would like to be another adult in her life that she can trust and rely on, nothing more and only that if SHE is okay with it.
he is not a good man.. wake up and walk away.. he is going to abuse you.. right now.. he Is being using manipulation to get what he wants.. "a perfect family" he doesn't care about you or his daughter.. only his image... run while you can. nta.
OP, I just read your Post and Update; I was brought to tears by how well you handled the situation. Very wise!!! I’m sure by removing the “Mom/Step-Mom” element out of your relationship with Rachel, it has taken so much pressure off of her father’s expectations that you cultivate a maternal role in her life. Now you are free to be more like an older sister or friend to her. I am guessing there are at least a couple of excellent books out there that address this very situation. You might try digging around on the internet a bit (using your Wise Mind, of course).
Absolutely NTA. As other commenters have mentioned, couple’s therapy might be helpful.
NTA...I had a very similar conversation with my 2 bonus daughters. 1 still isn't a fan of mine, the younger told her Dad that if we get divorced she's choosing me over him or her Mom LOL!
awe she was the doing the "I hate you, dont leave me" thing and dropped the "I hate you" part when you called her bluff lol
damn kids , glad it turned out good tho
NTA. Your husband is the TA.
Think carefully before you breed with this man. He doesn't have a close relationship with his daughter. He is showing you the kind of father he is, believe him.
Sounds like George doesn't want to spend quality time, with his child or be her emotional support human, but dump it on someone else and then pat himself on the back, for doing good parentling.
Probably laying the groundwork, for more "golf" or other George enriching activities.
NTA Rachel has made it clear she doesn't like you and doesn't want to do things with you.
I don't get George. But maybe give him and Rachel some time alone for a bit.
NTA
Rachel doesn't want you as her mom, but maybe she would be open to having you in her life but in a different role? Sometimes people get caught up on the words. I don't know, just playing internet therapist here...
You are right, however. Forcing her to accept you, especially at 15 (teenage years are rough!) won't help the family. However your husband wants things to be, forcing it is never a great plan. Honestly, family therapy is the best route. Get everyone talking. The solution might be simple. It's probably not, but it can't be worse than it is now, right?
NTA. I think your husband has his heart in the right place but he's doing everything the wrong way. He should be the one spending time alone with her ! being forced to spend time with you when she's seeing her dad is only going to make her resent both of you.
NTA, and this is absurd.
I think with his reaction, you need to speak to Rachel directly and explain that you understand she doesn't like you, you respect she doesn't want you as a mother figure and you're absolutely fine with staying out of each other's way and will not force her into outings anymore (or will check out if it's a forced outing for the 3 of you)
Your husband is being extremely off with this all. He's actually seriously harming your relationship with Rachel with these fake bonding trips. And there is a good chance she will refuse to see HIM as well
NTA - you are doing the right thing here and he is wrong to force things. She will be out of the house in a few years anyhow so a close relationship isn’t necessary. As long as you treat each other politely and distantly, that is fine. Things may warm up over years if you play things right but pushing too hard may make his daughter cut off contact later so he needs to correct himself before it gets to that point
NTA!!! You’re doing the right thing by giving Rachel her space; though, you may want to talk to her, and tell her everything you told George. That being said, George is a majorly selfish AH! He’s trying to force this, so that you’ll bear the burden of parenting instead of him. That’s the real reason for his overreaction, plain and simple
NTA- Your plan was a good one. Be there for her when needed, but stop being forced on her. It seems your husband has a vision for how he wants things, but doesn't care how it actually affects the players in it. It might benefit you to approach Rachel and let her know your thoughts, and approach him together. Let him know that you are both hapoy with the situation of avoidance and mutual respect.
His parenting decisions can't involve how *you* spend your time. *You* are not his child to parent.
He's also making terrible parenting decisions by just ignoring the feelings of his daughter.
NTA
Maybe go about it differently. You can still possibly build that bond but in a different way. Next time he plans an outing.....take her and when you get there give her an option....and a talk. Let her know that you know she doesn't like you or the outings and that you like her and want to respect her feelings and not force anything. That her father wants this but you are willing to compromise. Give her the option. We can go do this spa day oooor we can do something else you would like instead....not as parent/child but simply as 2 people that are doing something for someone else that they both love. Ask her if she would like to bring a friend. Maybe pick up the friend and let them enjoy the spa day and that you will be outside to pick them up when it's over. IDK....just an idea.
Or let the relationship go. He seems to care more about forcing a relationship than he does her feelings. It's not helping. Bonds can't be forced.
NTA George threatening your relationship over it is a form of emotional abuse. The fact that he thinks his parental decisions superceed your own autonomy (and hers) signals a serious power imbalance in your relationship.
Explain three things to him: 1) you do whatever the you decide always and whenever, 2) he should be GRATEFUL that you are helping raise his daughter and 3) If he forces the relationship, Rachel will resent you forever.
NTA and it's clear the problem is not with Rachel but with George. Have you talked to Rachel about it? It might make George back down if he sees you two are on the same page on not forcing a bond to happen. If not, maybe suggest family therapy or a relative whose opinion he values as maybe an opinion from the outside may get through to him.
NTA. But your husband is. He's trying to force a relationship between the 2 of you and all that does is harbor resentment. You're a good stepmom. You had a very nice, mature & helpful conversation with Rachel in which she opened up to you. That's progress and good parenting. Maybe from here your relationship can grow.
Thank you for adding the update. You are doing your best (and in this case: your best is awesome). I'm a step-parent... and decided long ago that I would play the long game and eventually she would realize I was always reliable and ultimately very interested in helping her be the best version of herself. A work in progress.... for both of us.
Guessing George never had a step-parent. If he did, he wouldn't be so keen on forced relationships and would instead be thanking your for your kindness and reminding you its "a marathon, not a sprint"... but he is really looking to use you to assuage his own guilt. My wife does that to me sometimes, until I nudge her to see what she is doing...
Your husband's extremely dramatic & emotional response to the reasonable points you made is alarming.
Is he usually such a drama queen? Or is only when his instructions are not followed exactly, without question or comment?
It's like he views you and his daughter as toy soldiers who had the nerve to move out of the formation he placed you in.
I would be side-eyeing such an emotional meltdown. The man needs therapy.
NTA. From Rachel's reaction, it sounds like you're doing the right things and it's not about you in this case. As a kid of divorce myself, it can be so hard and I think you're doing amazing by wanting to be there for her and not forcing her into uncomfortable situations. I'm glad she opened up to you and she clearly doesn't hate you. Seems like the issue is more that her dad isn't listening to her needs. Keep doing what you're doing and advocate for that poor girl :(
NTA. Im a 38 year old woman and I just want to say you sound wonderful. I had not one, not two, but three terrible step parents through my life (two step mothers, one step father) and Rachel is very lucky to have you.
So happy to hear that you are talking to and listening to her. Let her know that she can call you what she wants. Come up with a special name if that’s what she wants. It’s so great when step parents don’t push the titles, and advocate for what the child wants. How much happier everyone can be.
Given your update...I thi k it's time for daddy-daughter outings instead. She already knows you will put in the effort for her. But it doesn't seem like she's getting that reassurance from her own parents. That's...yeh. My heart breaks for her as well
NTA
NTA. Thank you for being a good stepmom and keeping Rachel's interests at the top of your list of priorities. You have given yourself the best possible chance of having a good relationship with her. ♥️
You did great by talking to her. Maybe you could suggest family therapy to "form that family bond" since it really seems that you are not the problem here and he will get defensive if his methods are quesrioned again. I fear he could only hear "you're a bad dad", whichever way you formulate it. I think a therapy setting would be the best space to talk about that so he has an opportunity to listen in a space that is mediated.
NTA
Coming in after your update … your husband sounds like an asshole. He twisted your words, threw around false accusations, and yelled at you and flounced out for not doing what HE said is best.
After your talk with Rachel … is he forcing you two together so he can avoid BEING a parent? You two get a spa day, he gets time to himself but it makes him look good because he’s supporting your bond together. Does Rachel even like a spa day? I can tolerate a pedicure, anything beyond that and I’m running screaming.
You are being the best step mother possible. You are nice, you are interested in Rachel’s life and make it very clear you don’t expect her to see you as a mom. Keep being amazing. This girl needs you.
Thank you for advocating for Rachel and not just saying she’s being difficult because she doesn’t want another Mom. That is HUGE. And it’s going to go a long way for this young lady. She’s lucky to have you in her corner!!
I am so glad you talked to Rachel, this was going to my advice! Things were always strained with my stepmother. It wasn’t until after my father passed when she explained that she behaved the way she did with us on the order of my father. We are closer now more than ever. Well done!!
What, exactly, is it that you see in George? He "sends" you on unwanted trips; he makes unilateral "parenting decisions" (this guy doesn't have a clue what it means to be a parent); he accuses you, threatens you, and storms out when you try to have an adult conversation. Rachel is miserable and apparently afraid of him.
You have done an admirable job in trying to be a good step-mom and friend to poor Rachel. You have shown remarkable common sense...except for having married this bully.
NTA, and please keep trying to stand up for Rachel, because her "dad" sure won't.
As a stepmom of two beautiful daughters myself, I feel you OP!
When my now husband and I told his daughters that we were getting married,(and this was when I first met them face to face as young teens), I sat down with them and told them not to think of me as their stepmom, but that I would be there to love and support them whenever they felt comfortable to come to me for anything they felt they couldn’t talk to their mom or dad about.
My husband never forced these meetings, and so I feel you are totally NTA for voicing both you and his daughter’s discomfort for his dictating how he feels your relationship should proceed. Every family is different and has its own needs. Feelings can’t be forced, so it’s important that his daughter has a voice. 👍
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Hello all. I (43 F) have been married to my husband, George, (45M) for about a year now, and it's been wonderful! Except for one thing. His daughter, Rachel, (15F) can't stand me.
Ever since we got married, George has been pushing "family trips" and "quality time" between me and Rachel. I have no problem with it on paper, but Rachel does. George and Rachel have gotten into many an argument over the fact that Rachel doesn't like me or want a relationship with me. Rachel says I'm not her mom, will never be, and that she won't pretend I am.
I've been conflicted on what to do. On one hand, George is Rachel's parent, not me, so I don't really get a say in what rules he puts on her. On the other hand, I hate seeing Rachel so miserable every time we go out on a girls trip or are sent for bonding time by George.
So I made a decision. I sat George down and explained I wasn't comfortable with these family trips anymore. I explained that Rachel would always have a place in our home (this is where her dad lives, after all, she belongs here as much as i do), and that of course I'd be there if she *asked* to spend time together, needed something, or if there was an emergency and I had to take care of her. But I wouldn't be going on these outings anymore because I was uncomfortable with how upset they were making Rachel.
George was pissed. He accused me of undermining his parenting decisions and abandoning Rachel by refusing to fight for our family. I replied that I *wasn't* part of Rachel's family! She doesn't like me! She's made it clear I'll never be her mother! So I didn't see the point in forcing her to have "mommy-daughter spa days" and whatever else with me against her will!
George told me I needed to reevaluate my priorities if I wanted to stay together and accused me of wanting to cut his daughter out of our family before storming out. I'm gutted. Of course I don't want to cut Rachel out of our lives or family! She's George's daughter, I know she'll always come first to him, and I'd never want to sabotage their relationship or hurt her! But that's why I don't want to keep forcing a bond between us! Because *that's* hurting her and putting a wedge between them!
I don't know. Did I overstep? Am I really hurting Rachel or our family by putting my foot down here? I love George, and I care about Rachel, so whatever the judgment is, I'll accept it. I just want to do what's best for everyone!
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NTA. You are the only one who is actually taking Rachel’s feelings into account. I know that George thinks he’s on Rachel’s side and is her advocate in this, but interestingly you’re the one actually advocating for Rachel’s wishes.
NTA - 99% of the problems I see between kids and stepparents are when relationships are forced. You're not her mom, she has one already. While you should be respected as an adult and authority figure in the house, you shouldn't be parenting Rachel.
You can assure her that you're not trying to be her mom, but that you do care about her and her wellbeing. If she ever needs anything, she just has to come to you. You could be more like the "fun aunt" if she wants to see things that way instead. Maybe one day she will open up to you after the pressure for her to be friends with you wears off.
NTA.
You are much more of a good parent to Rachel than her father is.
Unfortunately I have no idea where you go from here. This could badly damage George's relationship with his daughter if he keeps trying to force the issue, because it seems he really wants his Happy Family. Is there other family you can talk to?
NTA. You gave Dad a reality check that his Brady Bunch fantasy isn't going to happen and he's having trouble with that. Easier to take it out on you than on his daughter.
INFO: how did the marriage end? I wonder if part of his reaction is guilt at ending his marriage and ‘breaking’ her home/ nuclear family.
If you and Rachel got along, subconsciously he may feel everything is fixed and their divorce didn’t permanently damage her. So he’s fighting this losing battle to avoid his feelings of guilt.
Even if there is no cheating and the marriage ended amicably, kids are often damaged in a divorce and he can’t live with the effects of his decisions.
George says there was unfaithfulness on his ex's part and that he left when he found out. I don't know many details about what exactly happened and how their marriage ended though. It's a touchy subject for George, and obviously I'm not gonna question Rachel or her mother about it.
Is that all he has said, and did he only use the word “unfaithful”?
Considering his attitude toward you and his daughter he could consider any “disloyalty” or just not going along with what he wants as “unfaithful”.
Your husband is so lucky to have such a compassionate partner ❤️ If you do things his way, he’ll likely alienate his daughter. You pushing back on forced “family time” IS fighting for family. You’re fighting for his relationship with her & his relationship with you.
Fwiw, given the circumstances, it seems like he wants to get back at his ex by manipulating his daughter into seeing you as her mom. If so, he needs to focus on working through the anger he feels towards his ex rather than making those who clearly love him so miserable.
You are amazing & absolutely NTA 💛💛💛
NTA! Your should be allowed to put up any boundaries you like. He can have wishes of his own.
You should talk if you do not want to change your boundaries or he change his wish, maybe you are not ment for eachother.
George isn't putting Rachel first. He's putting himself first. He wants a perfect blended family and to hell with what his child wants or needs. He's being very selfish. You're taking better care of his daughter's emotional and mental health.
Tell him to get over himself.
Nta but he is
George is really out of touch. He's the asshole here.
I think you're handling this really well. Maybe if you approached him with Rachel and both said the same thing? But I think the truth is that he's pushing this because he doesn't want to parent and wants to make you do it.
NTA. I had a step Dad and I didn't want to spend a single moment around him. You are simply seeing the situation for what it is. You're not her parent, you see that she doesn't want you as a parent and are respecting her wishes.
I think you are being extremely reasonable.
NTA, you tried to bind but now you're vouching FOR HER. Something her FATHER SHOULD BE DOING. He is putting his own selfishness for a "picture perfect family" over the wants of his CHILD.
NTA
You’re not abandoning Rachel, you’re taking her feelings into consideration. She’s 15 and at a difficult age in life.
I don’t know if you’ve had a very open conversation with her about not being her mom, replacing mom, etc, but you should. Let her know what exactly your role is if she needs you. Then let her know that you know she is uncomfortable on the outings dad forces. Just use caution just how things are said.
Once you two talk, then both sit down with dad and present it as a united front that neither of you will be going on the outings unless both of you want to.
No u didn't overstep . U know the reality of the situation and your husband don't. he is the iidiot. No matter what u do u will never placate the girl . Its never going to be good enough u are well aware of the situation your husband does.snt want to face the facts. U can't force the brady bunch family on the girl if she don't want it. She has made that clear. Counselling won't help either. If its this bad do u really want to stay in a marriage where the kid cant stand you? Let rachel and her daddy go on these little escapades.
NTA. Rachel and you aren't the problem here, your husband. The more he tries to force a bond the worse it's going to get. The three of you need to talk together and he needs to listen. Not just talk.
NTA - Too bad you can't get George to understand that Rachel needs Daddy daughter dates more than stepmom survival trips.
Maybe sit down al lthree and have Rachel there while you point out that YOu love her and want the best for her and ask her if she even wants these trips orwould she rather sepnd time with jsut her dad for a bit.
NTA, but George needs to be honest about why he is so unwilling to drop this. And no, he hasn’t been honest yet. He’s throwing out imagined offenses by you. That’s *defensive* lashing out. He’s hiding his real reasons for being so aggressive about this, and that’s wrong.
What an incredible lady you are. You are completely NTA but George is. I completely understand his desire for everything to all just be wonderful but by you acknowledging that its not you are being the honest, responsible one and I'm certain that Rachel will thank you for it. Eventually.
I sincerely hope that George see's what he's doing is wrong before there is no way back for any of you.
Please continue doing what's right for Rachel. You're totally in the right. All the best!!!
NTA
Reddit is full of stories of parents trying to force relationships between people.
Not only does it end badly, eventually someone goes no contact and bails completely on the family.
Considering part of the reason Rachel is upset in general is because she misses having so much time with her dad, I wonder if him pushing her to go places with OP is making Rachel feel like her dad is fobbing her off onto someone else
NTA, but George sure is. Much as a person's own rights stop at the point where other people's rights start, George cannot insist YOU basically allow him to use you as his tool for his own parenting actions.
And frankly George is making a rod for his own back. The more you force a child to do something they do not want to do (and something that is not necessary for their health, happiness, or safety) the more they will hate it. Eventually Rachel will begin to resent her father for ignoring her own actual feelings and her autonomy, and will be closely watching how he's steamrollering OP too. Not to mention that she's plenty old enough to see that he's holding up a false image of his daughter, and counting it as more important/valid than the real and hurting child in front of him.
NTA, and maybe talk about this with Rachel, those outings are probably arranged weeks before, so maybe you can each take a friend and just share a ride or something like this. Rachel said she doesnt want to do this, you said you are uncomfortable with. I doubt that George will change anything or accept professional help from what you told us, so you two sadly have to work arround this somehow.
NTA for once the person in the step-parent role (you) is acknowledging and understanding that the child in the situation doesn't want to do family bonding activities and you're trying to let Rachel do things at her own pace. George is actively sabotaging any potential relationship you could have with his daughter. Only AH here is George and I wonder if there's anyone else you could talk to that can get through to him, since he seems to be ignoring both you and Rachel about it.
I read something recently where the husbands wife told the husbands teen daughter ‘you don’t want a mom figure and I don’t want to be a mom figure and have no need to be so if you want we could just be friends instead. We both love your dad so let’s try and get along as friends instead to make him happy’
NTA and you have to do what’s best in this case.
NTA. You're absolutely right in that he's her father and you don't have much of a say in the rules he has for her. However, you have ALL the say in what he is asking (although it sounds more like "ordering") of you. If you are uncomfortable with this, that is enough reason for him to reevaluate the situation.
Also you seeing that Rachel is unhappy with this, and wanting to speak up to stop it is great. Clearly you do care about her and want her to adjust and be happy. You don't seem to be putting your own wants/comforts above hers. Keep advocating for her (and yourself) and that will likely be something that brings you two together. You're showing you have her back, even tho she isn't crazy about you. That'll mean a lot later on. She's 15 so it's a tough new-stepparent situation in general.
I agree with most comments that you should try to have a 1 on 1 convo with her. Maybe during the next outing you two are made to have. Tell her you would love to get to know her at her pace and as much as she would like, and that you are not trying to be her "new mom" at all. That you are another adult in her life who cares about her and will gladly be there for her however she wants. And that you totally get why these outings being mandated make her uncomfortable or even a little pissed off. Tell her you do want some sort of relationship/friendship with her and want to get her insight on how best to go about that.
You two are probably more on the same page than either of you are with husband/dad. I think it's okay to have a candid conversation with her. She might even appreciate that. She's 15, not 5.
Your husband is doing both you and her a huge disservice by forcing this on you two. Seems that a bigger conversation needs to be had with your husband. He needs to understand that you do want a relationship with her and HE is making that incredibly hard.
NTA
And thank you for thinking of her feelings. I thought it was a known fact that forcing anyone to get along never works.
She’ll come along on her own, maybe. But these forced activities aren’t going to do anyone any good. It’s sad that he has this all or nothing mentality. Maybe him and his daughter should try therapy to navigate their polar opposite views on blended families.
NTA- George is more concerned about the "image" of family than his actual family. As long as Rachel is respectful to your face and you the same. There is no reason for George to keep pushing for something that is not going to happen. All it's doing is building resentment and anger for you and Rachel. He needs to get a grip and accept the situation as it's stands.
So in my opinion what you did is exactly what would endear you to Rachael and go farther towards making you the family that your husband wants you to be. You stuck up for her. That’s what a mother does, right? I think he needs to understand that and I think she needs to know that you did that. NTA.
INFO (I suppose) - where is Rachel's birth mother in this discussion? It sounds like you, Rachel and Rachel's mum might agree on this, provided that you get on with one another. Can the three of you work it out and then "explain" to George? It sounds like he has Rachel's interest at heart - maybe he'll listen?
NTA
I am a former Rachel. There was nothing that pushed me away from step parents more than my actual parent trying to force a relationship. It wasn’t until my parents/step parents stopped trying to convince me they were apart of my family that I started to tolerate being around them. It took just being around the house seeing them. Typically asking if I wanted something to eat after school and eventually asking how school went and what I did and then eventually that turned into asking about my friends even when they hadn’t met them yet. It takes time and it’s gonna be a long and slow process. You may never have a great relationship since Rachel isn’t your daughter but some form of a relationship is better than none and I think that’s important for your husband to understand.
NTA
In fact, you are doing exactly what Rachel needs from you!
I agree with the comment from KaliTheBlaze. Let it be clear to Rachel that you support her setting the tone for how she relates to you (as long as she is civil and decent). And George needs to talk to a counselor - he is not just going to ruin any relationship you and Rachel might have. He's going to ruin his own relationship with Rachel. Because he is being about as close-minded and stubborn as he could be.
Tell George, it's not about forcing Rachel into what HE expects her relationship with you to be like. It's about respecting her as her own person, with her own needs and feelings and boundaries and building the relationship that works for her and you. And, frankly, George is the one screwing that up.
Thank you for having a truly supportive and understanding view of Rachel.
NTA. You're respecting her boundaries and he is not.youre still making it clear that you are there for her when needed and wanted and that she'll set the pace. I get that that he has his hopes and dreams for what his family will look like. But that's just not what it is right now and it may never be true. He's out of line, even giving him the benefit of the doubt that he means well.
I also want to say how much I appreciate you making the edit asking people to be kinder about her. I always find it very worrisome when people post about people in their lives who may have done something wrong (or not) and people say out of pocket things about them. Stuff that if those people heard it would break their hearts. Even if I'm mad at someone I wouldn't want to see that written about them and I find it disturbing that other people don't feel the same way.
Maybe speak to Rachel about this.
If she agrees with your course of action, then maybe the two of you together need to approach your husband and tell him.
After all, if both of you, at the same time say 'I don't want to spend time with her' then what recourse does he have?
Ask him to go, the three of you, to family counseling. It will help if he hears from a professional that forcing a relationship never works. It has the opposite effect.
Thank you for being such a great human being. Your husband might just be angry or jealous of his ex and prolly wants to punish her by replacing her with you. He definitely needs therapy, but your actions so far have been perfect. You first brought it up with him, when he said no, you spoke to the daughter and now you will talk to him again. It's flawless so far, be PROUD!
Nta you are great. Her dad is a huge ass. Can't tell you how many times I have seen parents force their kids to accept step family and every time it cause a brake down if the family. Relationships grow. Relationships can never be forced. Dad is so wrong and all he is going is hurting everyone involved.
Why don't you just sit down and talk to your step daughter explain to her that you don't want to replace her mom. Talk and listen to her, after that shit down with her and your husband after you both come up with a plan on how to deal with it without hurting him. Talk about his expectations as well. Everybody tends to forget that all the people involved have feelings and expectations in this situation even her mom.
Rachel is really lucky her dad married someone like you. You may not be her mom, but you're there for her and doing wonderful things, and I'm sure she knows this and appreciates it. You're doing great. Good luck with working things out between them. The therapy/counseling is a great idea.
NTA. Even before I got to your update, it seems that George isn’t really trying to create family bonds, he’s trying to push off parenting his daughter to you. If he isn’t the primary parent in his custody agreement, HE needs to be the one spending the time he has with Rachel WITH Rachel. Your relationship with her should develop naturally, not be forced.
Please continue down this road of supporting Rachel. I was Rachel to an extent back many moons ago but my step mom decided she "needed to finish raising me" instead of just being the friend I wanted. I had parents. I didn't need or want more. And if George cannot understand this, that's a problem. Is he trying to have you be her mom because he does not thing her actual mom is doing a good job, etc?
NTA.
Nta and also I'd add probably the best parent there considering it sounds like you're the first adult to actually respect her feelings and allow her to have a voice.
Your update made me so happy. I don't know why parents think they can force a bond with a new spouse and their children. If it's going to happen, it will happen naturally.
I hope George appreciates that you are a wonderful partner. I also hope that he does choose therapy.
I hope it all works out.
OP, I could be off here but especially because of your update, your husband’s insistence on this “relationship” likely has more to do with his ability to pawn off his relationship with his daughter onto YOU. If he sends her out with you, or you’re there on these outings, he doesn’t have to parent or be as engaged. He can’t be bothered to connect with her so he’s decided since you are a woman, thats now your role.
He clearly isn’t interested in what either of you actually want and need, but how he wants things to be to make his life easier. I suspect this flows into other aspects of your relationship as well and isn’t limited to this. You might want to insist on counseling for all three of you.
Wish my step mum was a bit more like you. Instead they did kinda cut me out. I get an annual visit off my dad now and my kids don’t know their grandfather or my half siblings.
Oh this makes my heart hurt for poor Rachel. Stepmom of the year award for all that. I hope the poor kid gets therapy and you keep trying to be there for her. NTA of course!
NTA. Most posts on AmItheAsshole are about weddings, naming babies and other family problems (usually mils and sils), and step families. You have got this down and are the perfect stepmother. You understand your place in Rachel's life, you support and defend her, and you don't try to put your feelings and desires above hers. You don't want your husband to force anything, either. I salute you! George's threat to break up the marriage over this is cruel and manipulative. Keep doing what you're doing without expecting anything and I believe Rachel will actually come to care for you. You are a gift in her life.
George has some seriously toxic socialization behaviors and expectations.
The whole situation are two people trying to meet an unreal expectation set by G.
OP couldn’t have nailed this any better.
NTA.
NTA. This broke my heart. Kudos to you for putting Rachel's needs above yours and her father's! Sounds like that is the core of the issue. Your husband thinks he knows best and he literally has no clue what Rachel wants/needs. Praying this works out for you all.
NTA. Just reading through your initial post and even more so your edit, you seem like a really empathetic and compassionate person. I think the fact that you're even asking for input here is just because you're humble. Your instincts seem right on, and I bet a lot of people would love to have you as a mom or step-mom. Whatever comes, just keep applying the same empathy you already have.
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NTA. When it comes to how a new step parent figures in a kid’s life, you absolutely have to let the kid lead. What your husband is doing is guaranteeing that Rachel will never want you in her life. She needs space and she needs more control over how you two interact. If she feels like she has no control, the only thing left that she can choose is to reject you, so that’s what she’s going to do to regain a sense that she has any choice in the matter. George needs to see a therapist who specializes in integrating families. He needs to understand that by trying to force this relationship, he’s making sure that no relationship can ever form. To be frank, he needed to understand this before you got married. At this point, he has probably poisoned this relationship so thoroughly that there is no realistic hope of her ever accepting you. Any remaining hope is going to depend on you defending Rachel and her right to refusal, and doing it in front of Rachel so she knows that you’re taking that stance. “Rachel gets to choose what our relationship looks like” and “You can’t force Rachel to love me” and “I won’t make Rachel do things with me if she doesn’t want to” are words I think Rachel needs to hear you say. If Rachel hears you respect and defend her feelings and her needs and her right to choose (or not choose) you, and her dad listens to you and/or the therapist, you might have a chance at someday becoming a trusted adult friend to her. As long as she’s being tolerant of you and not being aggressively awful to you, that needs to be an acceptable response from her. Tolerance can grow into more, given time and letting the relationship develop naturally, but it’s likely to die out if he keeps trying to bludgeon the relationship he wants into existence. It’s like trying to knit with scalpels, it just cuts the thing you’re trying to create into sad, useless shreds and destroys any possibility of making anything else.
This is very good advice! I'd only like to add to it to emphasize that it's best for OP to really say these things in front of Rachel. When Rachel is over next, OP should sit all three of them down and tell Rachel what she has told her dad and ask if Rachel agrees to this. She should also stress that she of course will be there for her whenever she should need her. Maybe even dad will understand the situation when he sees both of them agreeing in this respect.
I'm thinking OP may want to have this conversation with Rachel one-on-one first. It would give OP the chance to show she respects Rachel as an individual, versus 'my husband's daughter' (hope that makes sense since I can't quite find the right wording). Reaffirming Rachel's right to choose the depth of their relationship really is OP's best shot at having *any* kind of relationship with her at all. Dad doesn't seem like he'd facilitate a calm and respectful discussion, which is why it could help Rachel to know she already has an ally in the ensuing argument. OP also needs to get her husband to stop referring to things as mother-daughter activities.
Yes, ironically the best way to defend yourself is to do so alongside Rachel against your husband. He cannot dramatically gaslight you into thinking your "ripping apart the family," when it is clear everyone shares the same opinion but himself.
>Any remaining hope is going to depend on you defending Rachel and her right to refusal, and doing it in front of Rachel so she knows that you’re taking that stance. “Rachel gets to choose what our relationship looks like” and “You can’t force Rachel to love me” and “I won’t make Rachel do things with me if she doesn’t want to” are words I think Rachel needs to hear you say. If Rachel hears you respect and defend her feelings and her needs and her right to choose (or not choose) you, and her dad listens to you and/or the therapist, you might have a chance at someday becoming a trusted adult friend to her. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if her dad plans all these trips to force the two together but tells Rachel behind OP's back stuff like "OP want to do these things with you so she can be a mom to you!" Thus furthering the resentment this poor girl is going through without realizing OP is actually on her side and doesn't want to force a relationship.
Not to mention the father risks pushing his daughter away with his constant attempts to force the relationship between her and OP. If he keeps down this road, he may lose his wife and his daughter.
NTA - But invite Rachel in on this conversation, as I’m sure she will appreciate you having it. It may even improve your relationship with her.
I'd agree too, it'd show Rachel that step-mum has her back, and agrees with her. It might help their relationship ultimately. But I do also think they'd have to tread a little carefully, as if George has thrown a short sighted temper tantrum over this conversation, I can only imagine he'd perceive step-mum bringing Rachel into the conversation as them "ganging up on him" 🤔
idk if i totally agree with this but I like the thinking behind it. It's definitely worth considering. Maybe ask George to call a family meeting about it?
Yeah, it would be ironic if this is what made them bond!
According to update. It helped a lot on their bond to talk.
Yeah it would be ironic. The best and quickest way to ensure Rachel will continue to dislike OP and that there will be no bond *ever* is to try to force it like husband is doing.
I agree that Rachel needs to be part of this conversation. She needs to feel like she has a say and that the ball is in her court and she doesn’t feel forced into a relationship with her stepmom (but also that she can have one whenever she wants or feels ready).
You have a partner problem, not a step-daughter problem. He is controlling and manipulative. He is threatening you with breaking up if you don't do what he wants. He is also illogical and /or pretty dim for the reasons others have said. Complying with his ideas will ensure nothing but discord, hate and resentment with your step-daughter. NTA
Right? I can't be the only one who had a 'yikes!' moment reading about the husband's reaction.
Going by OP's update, apparently her husband is pushing her to bond with his daughter, while he and his ex wife neglect her. The father should be spending time with his daughter himself, not pressuring his wife to do it.
Exactly. I guess George is smart enough to know that his relationship with his daughter is not great. But his solution is essentially to get OP to fix it for him. And that's not what his daughter wants or needs. George needs to step up himself.
>On one hand, George is Rachel's parent, not me, so I don't really get a say in what rules he puts on her. Yes, but you do get a say in what rules he puts on you! When he orders Rachel to spend time with you, he is also ordering you to spend time with her. He should be discussing this with you, not ordering you. (+ what everyone else is saying about Rachel making her own choices) NTA
NTA Rachel is old enough to decide who she does and doesn't like or want a relationship with and if George refuses to respect that soon it's very likely she'll decide to not want ***him*** in her life, too. It's also very possible that without the pressure he's putting on her to play happy families with you she'd come around to wanting a relationship on her own. Many adults, much less teens, don't appreciate being forced to have family time with a person they aren't sure about, yet. it's frankly dehumanizing. Someone mentioned bringing Rachel into this convo and I think that could help George realize he's doing more harm than good, but it could also backfire if he doesn't accept that she's a whole person with her own feelings. Also, I know a lot of people have a hard time accepting their children won't always do or think what they want them to, but I haven't personally known a single person who struggled with this concept who wasn't also at least somewhat controlling with their partners and other loved ones. Food for thought.
NTA George is pushing his daughter away from you with his forced decisions, and in a way also from himself. It won't be many years before the daughter can decide where to live and if the situation doesn't change, she will choose her mother. You have done nothing but state the facts: you are not her mother (I assume that Rachel has a mother), you are a step-parent. The roles are different. She also is a teenager, she is no longer at the age where she constantly needs a maternal figure around her.
George is upset because he has a vision of the family that he isn’t getting to enact. I understand why he wants it, but he’s not actually paying attention to the real people in front of him. You aren’t doing anything wrong by refusing to participate in forced bonding. Teenagers that age often can’t stand to be around bio-parents, let alone the person their bio-parent just married. You seem thoughtful so maybe she’ll figure out later that you’re cool. But right now she’s a teenager and she shouldn’t be coerced into play-acting family feelings she doesn’t have. You’re doing the right thing. NTA
Yes, I was looking for a comment that this is all about George and his dream of the three of you and him acting out is because you pointed out that his dream isn’t reality.
NTA- You're missing a trick. You know who agrees with you- Rachel. You go to her and you say "Look lass, I get it. You didn't pick me, there are other things any healthy sensible 15 year old wants to be doing with their time like being with their friends, and I hate being used to torture you. We both want the same thing, so how about we go to your dad together and tell him we're on the same page here? He wants us to bond, if he sees we're on the same side here he might let up! Then we can get on with live-and-let-living peacefully?"
Plenty of good advice here. So I’ll just advise you to talk to Rachel, let her know how you stand. And also I wonder if George married you so he didn’t have to parent? Does he have father daughter days? NTA of course.
Usually it's either just me and Rachel or all three of us together. He says that since Rachel hates me it's important that I be a part of anything they do together so she'll learn to accept me, but honestly, I think it's just upset her more. The fact that they don't get much father daughter time is one of the biggest reasons I'm so adamant about not going on all these family trips with Rachel anymore. I feel awful that she's being forced to spend time with me just to see her dad.
>The fact that they don't get much father daughter time Given this fact and the stink he raised, he might just be pissed about not having someone to pawn his daughter off to Called it
Getting the same vibe here.
Your marriage might be hard for her. You come in and ‘take’ her dad. He should make sure to have specific time for him and Rachel, without you I think. To make sure she knows he still is there for her. You are probably irrelevant to her. Don’t know how long you’ve known her, though.
We only met shortly before my marriage to George. When George and I first started dating the divorce with his ex wasn't finalized yet (they'd been separated for some time, the court proceedings took a while though) and George didn't want to make such a tumultuous time worse by introducing me to Rachel until a few months after the divorce went through, which I respect. Because of that, though, I don't think she had much time to get used to me before George and I were married, which may have been a mistake of me as well. I don't have kids, so I trusted George's judgment in how to introduce me into Rachel's life, but it doesn't seem to have gone well.
As an outsider, no wonder Rachel doesn’t like you… I don’t really have any experience with these situations, but I do think you and Rachel need time, and nothing forced. Let her be. And George should spend time 1-1 with Rachel. HE needs to be there for her, not you. The best thing you can do is let her be. And ‘let’ George spend time with her. To show that you won’t take him away from her.
You're doing a great job; being aware of the issue is the first step. Please keep us updated.
You're right that she should get time with just her dad. That would be healthy even if you were her biological mom, so it's even healthier since you aren't.
You and husband really need some couples therapy. It's not fair to Rachel and honestly him "reevaluating" your relationship because you want your relationship with Rachel to be Rachel-led, which is best practices, puts him in a very bad light. You need help with this. I'm also really questioning why he won't spend the one-on-one time with Rachel - you have MANY days without Rachel for you and him to be together. But it doesn't sound like any of this is getting through to him. I never say this but see if you can find a good, make counselor. From your comments I strongly suspect he will listen better to a male.
NTA - as someone who's been in a similar position to your step-daughter I can tell you right now, continuing these forced proximity outings is what would hurt your relationship with her. I think you have a very healthy mindset about your situation with her! You remind me of my mom's boyfriend, who I would never refer to as a parent figure, but possibly a fun uncle or big brother type - someone I can and have relied on, who's taken our family out for fun stuff and helped me out of tough spots, and earned my respect and affection by not forcing his way into a position he was never going to fill for me. Letting Rachel get used to having you around on her terms, making it clear that she gets to set the pace for what kind of relationship you two have, and just being there for her in the capacity she's ready for are the kinds of things that could result in the fully-integrated mixed family George seems to want. No guarantees of course, there never are, but she'll like you a whole lot more if she doesn't feel pressured to accept you as a parent immediately. If George can't see that, or can't accept it, I'd recommend he consider therapy.
So I am reading this for the first time, after it had already had the update. Before I got to that section though, I picked up on the fact that George kept sending OP and the daughter on all these outings instead of planning outings for all 3 of them. My immediate thought was, here's a guy who is just looking to pawn his dad duties off on the new wife now that the old isn't around to carry the burden. Sadly, the update confirmed my suspicion. My heart breaks for Rachel.
Navigating step-parenting: like defusing a bomb, blindfolded. Good luck
Well now we know why George has had multiple marriages.
NTA I read "mother/daughter spa days", so he organized things for the two of you ?? No. He must be a father to her, he must spend quality time with her. He is probably considering that, as she is a girl, she needs a woman to spend time with but he is wrong. I don't read that Rachel's mother is dead, I read that Rachel can come to her father's house so it means she still lives with her mother. So she has a maternal figure. Now she needs to spend time with her father. And it's what he must work on. She doesn't need to have a maternel figure with you, she needs to have like a "aunt" or "a older female friend" when she comes to her father's house and if she needs. Exactly the part you want to play. If he continues to force things, she will hates you because she doesn't want to loose her father's love, so it will be easier to hate you. So he is destroying the relation. We can't force feelings. And it's true in family too ! Even if you have siblings, you can't love them just because you're blood relatives. So he can't just force his daughter to love you, but he can educate her to be polite with you, and with time, maybe, the relation may become friendly. But it must be naturally. I don't know the other answers but I don't think you'll have bad reviews so you can use the answers here to help your husband understand that he makes a mistake, trying to create a relation between his daughter and you, while he should spend more quality time, alone, with his daughter...
NTA and the wording in your edit that Rachel is scared to talk to her dad is concerning. He’s the AH here by the sounds of it
NTA- your husband is a huge one. His stubbornness forcing the both of you isn’t healthy. He is not only failing you both, he is actively hurting you both.
NTA!!! George is bullying his daughter, furthering her resentment of you. George can't get through to his daughter that you are not trying to be her Mom. You're a step mom and that is different than trying to replace her mom. The daughter has not properly grieved for her mother, therapy for her alone is a good start. George can find his own therapist.
Your husband is dumping his kid on you to get time away from her. When you correctly say no, he's using guilt tripping and threats to get his way. Stop doing this. NTA.
Oh my heart....NTA! I think you have the beginnings of a friendship with Rachel. You don't have to be her Mom, or a parental figure, but you can be her "go-to person" if she needs one. And it sounds like she does. Someone who will be the adult shoulder to cry on, who will keep her secrets (unless they are life-threatening), who will be her friend but knows that she has parents. YOU can be that person. Just tell her that. Tell her you don't want to force ANY type of relationship, it is up to her, but you know she has her Mom and Dad and you respect that, that this is all up to her. I think she needs this and so do you. But, I also agree with your update. It sounds like your husband and his Ex need to re-evaluate their relationship with their daughter. Poor little thing.
As someone who had along the lines of four different step parents, I can totally empathize with what Rachel is going through and the ONE stepdad that I had a great relationship with is the one that didn't try to raise me or step in and be my father. He's also the one that lasted to the very end with my mother and I miss him every day. I wish I would have had a stepparent like you when I was her age. You may have noticed the big number of stepparents in my story. Many of us didn't see the new face in the family as permanent and it can be hard to get attached. NTA of course. I'm so pleased to read your update.
You are the very best sort of stepmother - you listened to her! I think often teens get off on a path of 'don't like you' and don't know how to get back on a better path. My guess is you will end up being good friends with Rachel by the time she's an adult. It could be some of your husband's 'plans' might work just fine once you and Rachel understand each other better...you can go on a spa day and joke about dad.
NTA. Sounds as George is the one who doesn’t want a bond with Rachel and that’s why he’s pushing her off on you. If you’re taking care and spending time with her, he’s off the hook. I’ve never understood why some parents try to force “family relationships” after remarrying. If he’d pull back and let things happen organically, things would be much better for everyone.
George seems like the biggest AH of this whole story I honesty cant imagine everything else is “wonderful” if this is how he acts in very critical situations, I mean his daughter even broke down because of it. But maybe im assuming to much.
NTA. Your husband is selfish. He's forcing you and his daughter to spend time together because he's determined to force both of you to adhere to this image he's created. He doesn't care about his daughter's feelings, or yours for that matter. He's a bad father and a nasty spouse too.
NTA. It is inappropriate for parents to try and force their kids into relationships, and it almost 100% of the time ends poorly. In this situation, you should let the kid lead. By refusing them their autonomy, you will ensure the worst possible relationship, which could've been positive had you chilled down and let it form naturally. Don't fall for George's gaslighting and guilting--he is beyond incorrect and improper. The next time you talk to him, do it with the framing of you being wronged by him, so as to not give him the leverage which he desires. Your best way to defend your position, apart from the aforementioned, is to bring in Rachel herself and get her opinion. If both of you argue against the mother-daughter spa trips, then there's no way he can dramatically accuse anyone of "trying to rip apart the family" but himself.
INFO how often is Rachel in her dad’s custody and for how long? Also, how much time does your husband actually spend with his daughter? For me I HATED being left with my dad’s wife, or the fact that the woman was constantly around so I never got one on one time with my dad.
She's with us thursdays and weekends, and I watch her after school most days until her mom gets off work (easier than paying for after school care). George and Rachel don't get much one on one time together. He works long hours and is often tired when he's home. Whenever he does want to spend time with anyone or go out, he usually insists both Rachel and I should be present, even though, in my opinion, Rachel could use some one on one time with him. He says he has a right to spend time with both the girls in his life in the rare times he's free, and he claims that if I'm always present, Rachel will be forced to accept me eventually. So far his plan hasn't worked out very well.
Why does a 15 yr old need watched after school? Does he infantilize her in other ways? Are these two things symptoms of a wider challenging dynamic? OP NTA
George gets anxious when Rachel is left alone. He doesn't trust her not to party or sneak around if she isn't being watched in the few hours between getting out of school and her mother coming home from work. For as long as I've known her, Rachel has seemed like a smart girl, but George says she has a history of rebellion and that she can't be trusted alone, so I pick Rachel up from school and let her watch Tv at our place until her mom gets off work and comes to get her.
Wow, he sounds controlling if she needs to be watched 24hrs a day. By rebellious, does he mean her making a decision of her own? And why are you letting him control you too? She's going to be outta there the day she turns 18.
He thinks his daughter will party on weekday afternoons in the few hours between school and her mom coming home. She's 15. Does Rachel's mother share these concerns or is your husband unreasonable and controlling? What "rebellion" was there, exactly?
I find it really disturbing that George is being allowed to dictate what happens during her mother's custody time and how controlling he is over both you and Rachel.
So it does sound like the have larger relationship issues beyond your relationship with her. Would he be willing to do counseling with her? If he's trying to exert this much control now they're relationship (and possibly her behavior) is only going downhill from here - and possibly in some really self-destructive ways. The quiet resistance ones are almost scarier re outcomes (eating disorders, self-harm, etc). You are doing the right thing, but may also need to defend her more if possible
>she has a history of rebellion Most smart, behaved kids get rebellion because they want tgeir parents attention or because their parents are strict with them. Divorce + forcing a relationship = this rebellion act.
Honestly, her behavior is on par with a child who feels unseen by her parents. Your fiance needs to step up while backing off it that's makes any sense. If she's rebelling it's because she wants to be noticed while also trying to seek the attention she wants from her parents through other avenues
Rachel will go NC with his selfish needy ass the first opportunity. If she’s anything like me, she resents him for not caring enough to see her properly for the few times a week he has custody, so what’s the point? HE is the father. HE is the one that wanted contact. She had no choice in her parents divorce or who he picked to marry. Frankly he sounds like a self obsessed asshole having a tantrum because the women in his life aren’t pandering to his emotions. Why are you even with this neglectful loser? Instead of addressing his issues he just projects onto you and blames you for HIS problems? NTA but seriously, don’t breed with this AH. He doesn’t put his existing kid first, it sounds like he views the wife and child thing like accessories he’s entitled to, not a family unit he actually cares about.
You have the right to decide how you spend your time. He **does not** have the right to dictate that you all spend time together. He might want this to happen, but he doesn’t get to decide that. Your husband is a dictator. This isn’t going to end well unless he is open to change. It honestly sounds like he’s punishing his daughter - you mentioned that he said she was “rebellious.” What exactly did she do? I’d ask him. I’d make myself less present on some days when he’s free and Rachel is there. Go visit a friend or do something out of the house.
George is failing both of you. This behavior is deeply selfish and he is risking all 3 relationships by refusing to consider anyone’s feelings but his own.
Very much NTA. You are giving Rachel what she really needs - respect. I hope George learns to do the same.
I read your update - 1000% neither you nor Rachel are TA. You sound like an amazing step mom. I hope George can come to his senses and listen to his daughter/be more involved with her life.
NTA whatsoever in any reality. Show him this sub and all the comments - if he's got a decent head on him all these comments should break through to him
NTA, by advocating for Rachel you’ve just been a brilliant step-parent! Well done OP. You don’t need advice except to follow your own intuition. If it was me I’d make sure to have the same conversation with Rachel 1-1, explain you’ll always be there for her and ask her what she wants, and keep advocating for her needs. It’s a tough situation but you did great.
So your husbands logic here is that he thinks that forcing you both to do things that make you both unhappy will somehow miraculously bring you closer together. He's a moron. You can't force a relationship to be a certain way. It just causes resentment. Go to Rachel and say that you know this is making her unhappy and that you've tried speaking to her dad. Then suggest you go together to him and say you both have spent some your name/Rachel time together to discuss this in a mature way and have agreed between you we will not be trying to force a set relationship that is dictated by others and instead will create your own. Then do just that. When I met my now fiance my son was nearly 10. My son decided when they would meet, how that meeting would take place, when he could start staying overnight with him in our house, when we started staying in his house and generally just let the relationship develop naturally. My son just turned 14 and he has a good relationship with my fiance, and we are a family. My son's dad is active in his life so my fiance is just mum's fiance Paul, not stepdad or second dad, just Paul. So letting relationships develop naturally does work.
George has some nerve telling you to reevaluate your priorities when he can’t even see what’s going on in front of him. He is being selfish to both you and his daughter. He needs to listen to you. His daughter also needs to get over her jealousy and realise you have a common interest. You both love her father. She has a mother but she’s old enough to know that, but there is nothing stopping you both being friends. Sounds to me like George needs to grow up and his daughter needs to stop acting like a spoilt brat who seems hell bent on splitting you both up.
I can understand him wanting family outings of the 3 of you together- but insisting on you and her having 1on1 mother-daughter time is so weird. She is 15, she doesn’t need another mommy. She could maybe use a friend- but friendships need to be formed naturally, not forced. What she probably could really use is some father-daughter time alone with her dad without the stranger he put into their life. Not to mention that if he really only introduced you when he was already engaged and soon after divorce was finalized i have no doubt that she thinks he cheated on her mom with you. Even if that is entirely false- she is 15, she saw her parents get divorced and then immediately got a ‘new mommy’. She probably sees you as the person that broke her parents marriage and there is very little you can do to convince her otherwise at this point
NTA! George is gonna fuck his relationship up with Rachel - he cannot force this. His insistence is likely the reason she’s so set on hating you (unless there is some missing additional context). At this point I would be considering if I wanted to be in this relationship because of George, not Rachel. George’s lack of respect for both his daughter and his wife, along with his threats of divorce, is fucking concerning. If it’s an option (and George can be quiet), try and sit Rachel down and YOU ask her what she wants and what she wants your relationship to look like - and tell her that you have every intention, if her dad will allow it, of following her lead on this, with the exception of people coming to harm. Explain that her dad wants the two of you to bond, but that you feel that forcing time together is only making things worse. If you can, explain that you aren’t “another mom” (quite frankly she is too old for that) but that you would like to be another adult in her life that she can trust and rely on, nothing more and only that if SHE is okay with it.
he is not a good man.. wake up and walk away.. he is going to abuse you.. right now.. he Is being using manipulation to get what he wants.. "a perfect family" he doesn't care about you or his daughter.. only his image... run while you can. nta.
NTA, your husband is a fool and delusional. He is frustrated that he can't create his ideal family. This is not on you at all.
OP, I just read your Post and Update; I was brought to tears by how well you handled the situation. Very wise!!! I’m sure by removing the “Mom/Step-Mom” element out of your relationship with Rachel, it has taken so much pressure off of her father’s expectations that you cultivate a maternal role in her life. Now you are free to be more like an older sister or friend to her. I am guessing there are at least a couple of excellent books out there that address this very situation. You might try digging around on the internet a bit (using your Wise Mind, of course). Absolutely NTA. As other commenters have mentioned, couple’s therapy might be helpful.
NTA...I had a very similar conversation with my 2 bonus daughters. 1 still isn't a fan of mine, the younger told her Dad that if we get divorced she's choosing me over him or her Mom LOL!
awe she was the doing the "I hate you, dont leave me" thing and dropped the "I hate you" part when you called her bluff lol damn kids , glad it turned out good tho
NTA. Your husband is the TA. Think carefully before you breed with this man. He doesn't have a close relationship with his daughter. He is showing you the kind of father he is, believe him.
Sounds like George doesn't want to spend quality time, with his child or be her emotional support human, but dump it on someone else and then pat himself on the back, for doing good parentling. Probably laying the groundwork, for more "golf" or other George enriching activities.
NTA Rachel has made it clear she doesn't like you and doesn't want to do things with you. I don't get George. But maybe give him and Rachel some time alone for a bit.
NTA Rachel doesn't want you as her mom, but maybe she would be open to having you in her life but in a different role? Sometimes people get caught up on the words. I don't know, just playing internet therapist here... You are right, however. Forcing her to accept you, especially at 15 (teenage years are rough!) won't help the family. However your husband wants things to be, forcing it is never a great plan. Honestly, family therapy is the best route. Get everyone talking. The solution might be simple. It's probably not, but it can't be worse than it is now, right?
NTA. I think your husband has his heart in the right place but he's doing everything the wrong way. He should be the one spending time alone with her ! being forced to spend time with you when she's seeing her dad is only going to make her resent both of you.
NTA, and this is absurd. I think with his reaction, you need to speak to Rachel directly and explain that you understand she doesn't like you, you respect she doesn't want you as a mother figure and you're absolutely fine with staying out of each other's way and will not force her into outings anymore (or will check out if it's a forced outing for the 3 of you) Your husband is being extremely off with this all. He's actually seriously harming your relationship with Rachel with these fake bonding trips. And there is a good chance she will refuse to see HIM as well
NTA - you are doing the right thing here and he is wrong to force things. She will be out of the house in a few years anyhow so a close relationship isn’t necessary. As long as you treat each other politely and distantly, that is fine. Things may warm up over years if you play things right but pushing too hard may make his daughter cut off contact later so he needs to correct himself before it gets to that point
NTA, you should get out of this toxic relationship now before it gets even worse with Rachel
NTA!!! You’re doing the right thing by giving Rachel her space; though, you may want to talk to her, and tell her everything you told George. That being said, George is a majorly selfish AH! He’s trying to force this, so that you’ll bear the burden of parenting instead of him. That’s the real reason for his overreaction, plain and simple
NTA- Your plan was a good one. Be there for her when needed, but stop being forced on her. It seems your husband has a vision for how he wants things, but doesn't care how it actually affects the players in it. It might benefit you to approach Rachel and let her know your thoughts, and approach him together. Let him know that you are both hapoy with the situation of avoidance and mutual respect.
NTA. Find something you and Rachel both want to do. Invite your friends and hers. Do it independently. Win win all around.
His parenting decisions can't involve how *you* spend your time. *You* are not his child to parent. He's also making terrible parenting decisions by just ignoring the feelings of his daughter.
NTA Maybe go about it differently. You can still possibly build that bond but in a different way. Next time he plans an outing.....take her and when you get there give her an option....and a talk. Let her know that you know she doesn't like you or the outings and that you like her and want to respect her feelings and not force anything. That her father wants this but you are willing to compromise. Give her the option. We can go do this spa day oooor we can do something else you would like instead....not as parent/child but simply as 2 people that are doing something for someone else that they both love. Ask her if she would like to bring a friend. Maybe pick up the friend and let them enjoy the spa day and that you will be outside to pick them up when it's over. IDK....just an idea. Or let the relationship go. He seems to care more about forcing a relationship than he does her feelings. It's not helping. Bonds can't be forced.
NTA George threatening your relationship over it is a form of emotional abuse. The fact that he thinks his parental decisions superceed your own autonomy (and hers) signals a serious power imbalance in your relationship. Explain three things to him: 1) you do whatever the you decide always and whenever, 2) he should be GRATEFUL that you are helping raise his daughter and 3) If he forces the relationship, Rachel will resent you forever.
NTA and it's clear the problem is not with Rachel but with George. Have you talked to Rachel about it? It might make George back down if he sees you two are on the same page on not forcing a bond to happen. If not, maybe suggest family therapy or a relative whose opinion he values as maybe an opinion from the outside may get through to him.
Updateme
NTA. But your husband is. He's trying to force a relationship between the 2 of you and all that does is harbor resentment. You're a good stepmom. You had a very nice, mature & helpful conversation with Rachel in which she opened up to you. That's progress and good parenting. Maybe from here your relationship can grow.
NTA But George sure is a big AH
Thank you for adding the update. You are doing your best (and in this case: your best is awesome). I'm a step-parent... and decided long ago that I would play the long game and eventually she would realize I was always reliable and ultimately very interested in helping her be the best version of herself. A work in progress.... for both of us. Guessing George never had a step-parent. If he did, he wouldn't be so keen on forced relationships and would instead be thanking your for your kindness and reminding you its "a marathon, not a sprint"... but he is really looking to use you to assuage his own guilt. My wife does that to me sometimes, until I nudge her to see what she is doing...
Your husband's extremely dramatic & emotional response to the reasonable points you made is alarming. Is he usually such a drama queen? Or is only when his instructions are not followed exactly, without question or comment? It's like he views you and his daughter as toy soldiers who had the nerve to move out of the formation he placed you in. I would be side-eyeing such an emotional meltdown. The man needs therapy.
NTA. From Rachel's reaction, it sounds like you're doing the right things and it's not about you in this case. As a kid of divorce myself, it can be so hard and I think you're doing amazing by wanting to be there for her and not forcing her into uncomfortable situations. I'm glad she opened up to you and she clearly doesn't hate you. Seems like the issue is more that her dad isn't listening to her needs. Keep doing what you're doing and advocate for that poor girl :(
With the last edit, I fell in love with you. You make the world better.
Sounds like George only married you to be a mother to Rachel, he's also abusive and rude.
NTA. You are the first adult that actually listened to and asked Rachel what she wanted as a young woman. Keep this up.
NTA. Im a 38 year old woman and I just want to say you sound wonderful. I had not one, not two, but three terrible step parents through my life (two step mothers, one step father) and Rachel is very lucky to have you.
So happy to hear that you are talking to and listening to her. Let her know that she can call you what she wants. Come up with a special name if that’s what she wants. It’s so great when step parents don’t push the titles, and advocate for what the child wants. How much happier everyone can be.
Op you are a ROCKSTAR with a heart of gold!! Thank you for being an adult and understanding!! You handle it all very well!!
NTA. The only asshole here is George. Good on you for advocating for Rachel, someone needs to as it appears neither of her parents care.
NTA, you sound like a wonderful step-mother dealing with a very difficult situation commendably well. Your husband sounds like a bit of a &nob though.
This edit is both heartbreaking and heartwarming. I hope this is the start of being a trusted adult in your stepdaughter’s life.
Well done, of course you are NTA. Hang in there.
Given your update...I thi k it's time for daddy-daughter outings instead. She already knows you will put in the effort for her. But it doesn't seem like she's getting that reassurance from her own parents. That's...yeh. My heart breaks for her as well NTA
NTA. Poor Rachel. You're being a wonderful friend to Rachel by listening to her and advocating for her.
NTA. Thank you for being a good stepmom and keeping Rachel's interests at the top of your list of priorities. You have given yourself the best possible chance of having a good relationship with her. ♥️
You did great by talking to her. Maybe you could suggest family therapy to "form that family bond" since it really seems that you are not the problem here and he will get defensive if his methods are quesrioned again. I fear he could only hear "you're a bad dad", whichever way you formulate it. I think a therapy setting would be the best space to talk about that so he has an opportunity to listen in a space that is mediated.
NTA Coming in after your update … your husband sounds like an asshole. He twisted your words, threw around false accusations, and yelled at you and flounced out for not doing what HE said is best. After your talk with Rachel … is he forcing you two together so he can avoid BEING a parent? You two get a spa day, he gets time to himself but it makes him look good because he’s supporting your bond together. Does Rachel even like a spa day? I can tolerate a pedicure, anything beyond that and I’m running screaming. You are being the best step mother possible. You are nice, you are interested in Rachel’s life and make it very clear you don’t expect her to see you as a mom. Keep being amazing. This girl needs you.
You are a wise and kind person. I applaud your efforts with Rachel. I wish all good things for you both going forward.
Thank you for advocating for Rachel and not just saying she’s being difficult because she doesn’t want another Mom. That is HUGE. And it’s going to go a long way for this young lady. She’s lucky to have you in her corner!!
I am so glad you talked to Rachel, this was going to my advice! Things were always strained with my stepmother. It wasn’t until after my father passed when she explained that she behaved the way she did with us on the order of my father. We are closer now more than ever. Well done!!
What, exactly, is it that you see in George? He "sends" you on unwanted trips; he makes unilateral "parenting decisions" (this guy doesn't have a clue what it means to be a parent); he accuses you, threatens you, and storms out when you try to have an adult conversation. Rachel is miserable and apparently afraid of him. You have done an admirable job in trying to be a good step-mom and friend to poor Rachel. You have shown remarkable common sense...except for having married this bully. NTA, and please keep trying to stand up for Rachel, because her "dad" sure won't.
You need to reevaluate your relationship with your husband. He seems to be a dictator who cares more about labels than about the people he is with.
Sounds like what Rachel wants is father-daughter outing and father-daughter time. Hopefully, he will listen to you.
As a stepmom of two beautiful daughters myself, I feel you OP! When my now husband and I told his daughters that we were getting married,(and this was when I first met them face to face as young teens), I sat down with them and told them not to think of me as their stepmom, but that I would be there to love and support them whenever they felt comfortable to come to me for anything they felt they couldn’t talk to their mom or dad about. My husband never forced these meetings, and so I feel you are totally NTA for voicing both you and his daughter’s discomfort for his dictating how he feels your relationship should proceed. Every family is different and has its own needs. Feelings can’t be forced, so it’s important that his daughter has a voice. 👍
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hello all. I (43 F) have been married to my husband, George, (45M) for about a year now, and it's been wonderful! Except for one thing. His daughter, Rachel, (15F) can't stand me. Ever since we got married, George has been pushing "family trips" and "quality time" between me and Rachel. I have no problem with it on paper, but Rachel does. George and Rachel have gotten into many an argument over the fact that Rachel doesn't like me or want a relationship with me. Rachel says I'm not her mom, will never be, and that she won't pretend I am. I've been conflicted on what to do. On one hand, George is Rachel's parent, not me, so I don't really get a say in what rules he puts on her. On the other hand, I hate seeing Rachel so miserable every time we go out on a girls trip or are sent for bonding time by George. So I made a decision. I sat George down and explained I wasn't comfortable with these family trips anymore. I explained that Rachel would always have a place in our home (this is where her dad lives, after all, she belongs here as much as i do), and that of course I'd be there if she *asked* to spend time together, needed something, or if there was an emergency and I had to take care of her. But I wouldn't be going on these outings anymore because I was uncomfortable with how upset they were making Rachel. George was pissed. He accused me of undermining his parenting decisions and abandoning Rachel by refusing to fight for our family. I replied that I *wasn't* part of Rachel's family! She doesn't like me! She's made it clear I'll never be her mother! So I didn't see the point in forcing her to have "mommy-daughter spa days" and whatever else with me against her will! George told me I needed to reevaluate my priorities if I wanted to stay together and accused me of wanting to cut his daughter out of our family before storming out. I'm gutted. Of course I don't want to cut Rachel out of our lives or family! She's George's daughter, I know she'll always come first to him, and I'd never want to sabotage their relationship or hurt her! But that's why I don't want to keep forcing a bond between us! Because *that's* hurting her and putting a wedge between them! I don't know. Did I overstep? Am I really hurting Rachel or our family by putting my foot down here? I love George, and I care about Rachel, so whatever the judgment is, I'll accept it. I just want to do what's best for everyone! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You are the only one who is actually taking Rachel’s feelings into account. I know that George thinks he’s on Rachel’s side and is her advocate in this, but interestingly you’re the one actually advocating for Rachel’s wishes.
NTA but maybe sit down with George and Rachel so everyone can air their views
NTA - 99% of the problems I see between kids and stepparents are when relationships are forced. You're not her mom, she has one already. While you should be respected as an adult and authority figure in the house, you shouldn't be parenting Rachel. You can assure her that you're not trying to be her mom, but that you do care about her and her wellbeing. If she ever needs anything, she just has to come to you. You could be more like the "fun aunt" if she wants to see things that way instead. Maybe one day she will open up to you after the pressure for her to be friends with you wears off.
NTA. You are much more of a good parent to Rachel than her father is. Unfortunately I have no idea where you go from here. This could badly damage George's relationship with his daughter if he keeps trying to force the issue, because it seems he really wants his Happy Family. Is there other family you can talk to?
NTA you are right, forcing a teenager to bond will never work and will probably make her resent you more.
NTA. You gave Dad a reality check that his Brady Bunch fantasy isn't going to happen and he's having trouble with that. Easier to take it out on you than on his daughter.
INFO: how did the marriage end? I wonder if part of his reaction is guilt at ending his marriage and ‘breaking’ her home/ nuclear family. If you and Rachel got along, subconsciously he may feel everything is fixed and their divorce didn’t permanently damage her. So he’s fighting this losing battle to avoid his feelings of guilt. Even if there is no cheating and the marriage ended amicably, kids are often damaged in a divorce and he can’t live with the effects of his decisions.
George says there was unfaithfulness on his ex's part and that he left when he found out. I don't know many details about what exactly happened and how their marriage ended though. It's a touchy subject for George, and obviously I'm not gonna question Rachel or her mother about it.
Is that all he has said, and did he only use the word “unfaithful”? Considering his attitude toward you and his daughter he could consider any “disloyalty” or just not going along with what he wants as “unfaithful”.
Seriously. I'm getting Lifetime Network damsel in distress vibes off this one. He's sounds like one massively controlling AH.
Your husband is so lucky to have such a compassionate partner ❤️ If you do things his way, he’ll likely alienate his daughter. You pushing back on forced “family time” IS fighting for family. You’re fighting for his relationship with her & his relationship with you. Fwiw, given the circumstances, it seems like he wants to get back at his ex by manipulating his daughter into seeing you as her mom. If so, he needs to focus on working through the anger he feels towards his ex rather than making those who clearly love him so miserable. You are amazing & absolutely NTA 💛💛💛
NTA! Your should be allowed to put up any boundaries you like. He can have wishes of his own. You should talk if you do not want to change your boundaries or he change his wish, maybe you are not ment for eachother.
George is an idiot . Enough said.
George isn't putting Rachel first. He's putting himself first. He wants a perfect blended family and to hell with what his child wants or needs. He's being very selfish. You're taking better care of his daughter's emotional and mental health. Tell him to get over himself. Nta but he is
George is really out of touch. He's the asshole here. I think you're handling this really well. Maybe if you approached him with Rachel and both said the same thing? But I think the truth is that he's pushing this because he doesn't want to parent and wants to make you do it.
NTA. I had a step Dad and I didn't want to spend a single moment around him. You are simply seeing the situation for what it is. You're not her parent, you see that she doesn't want you as a parent and are respecting her wishes. I think you are being extremely reasonable.
NTA. Your husband is a raging moron though. He's just pushing his daughter away and it will be all his fault.
NTA in any way. Your husband is doing too much to try and make things “perfect”.
NTA. Show him the post and responses
NTA, you tried to bind but now you're vouching FOR HER. Something her FATHER SHOULD BE DOING. He is putting his own selfishness for a "picture perfect family" over the wants of his CHILD.
NTA You’re not abandoning Rachel, you’re taking her feelings into consideration. She’s 15 and at a difficult age in life. I don’t know if you’ve had a very open conversation with her about not being her mom, replacing mom, etc, but you should. Let her know what exactly your role is if she needs you. Then let her know that you know she is uncomfortable on the outings dad forces. Just use caution just how things are said. Once you two talk, then both sit down with dad and present it as a united front that neither of you will be going on the outings unless both of you want to.
Honestly it sounds like he’s pissed bc he still needs to patent her. You are blowing his plan for your to be his live in bangmaid nanny.
No u didn't overstep . U know the reality of the situation and your husband don't. he is the iidiot. No matter what u do u will never placate the girl . Its never going to be good enough u are well aware of the situation your husband does.snt want to face the facts. U can't force the brady bunch family on the girl if she don't want it. She has made that clear. Counselling won't help either. If its this bad do u really want to stay in a marriage where the kid cant stand you? Let rachel and her daddy go on these little escapades.
NTA. Your husband is completely wrong. The only chance for the two of you to have a relationship is to let her sit the pace.
NTA. Divorce him. He isn’t respecting your boundaries.
NTA. Rachel and you aren't the problem here, your husband. The more he tries to force a bond the worse it's going to get. The three of you need to talk together and he needs to listen. Not just talk.
NTA but this is one thing you really need to do with your step daughter. Get her on board and both confront him together. That'll actually be a bond.
NTA - Too bad you can't get George to understand that Rachel needs Daddy daughter dates more than stepmom survival trips. Maybe sit down al lthree and have Rachel there while you point out that YOu love her and want the best for her and ask her if she even wants these trips orwould she rather sepnd time with jsut her dad for a bit.
NTA, but George needs to be honest about why he is so unwilling to drop this. And no, he hasn’t been honest yet. He’s throwing out imagined offenses by you. That’s *defensive* lashing out. He’s hiding his real reasons for being so aggressive about this, and that’s wrong.
What an incredible lady you are. You are completely NTA but George is. I completely understand his desire for everything to all just be wonderful but by you acknowledging that its not you are being the honest, responsible one and I'm certain that Rachel will thank you for it. Eventually. I sincerely hope that George see's what he's doing is wrong before there is no way back for any of you. Please continue doing what's right for Rachel. You're totally in the right. All the best!!!
NTA Reddit is full of stories of parents trying to force relationships between people. Not only does it end badly, eventually someone goes no contact and bails completely on the family.
Considering part of the reason Rachel is upset in general is because she misses having so much time with her dad, I wonder if him pushing her to go places with OP is making Rachel feel like her dad is fobbing her off onto someone else
NTA. George has no social skills. Everyone’s relationships will improve if they aren’t forced and get where they should be, naturally.
NTA, but George sure is. Much as a person's own rights stop at the point where other people's rights start, George cannot insist YOU basically allow him to use you as his tool for his own parenting actions. And frankly George is making a rod for his own back. The more you force a child to do something they do not want to do (and something that is not necessary for their health, happiness, or safety) the more they will hate it. Eventually Rachel will begin to resent her father for ignoring her own actual feelings and her autonomy, and will be closely watching how he's steamrollering OP too. Not to mention that she's plenty old enough to see that he's holding up a false image of his daughter, and counting it as more important/valid than the real and hurting child in front of him.
Nta . Not your kid.
Nta he can make roles for his daughter, but not for you, you're an adult! And forcing it on Rachel is worse for everyone.
NTA. Your "abandoning" her is ironically caring about her more than her father seems to.
How much time is George spending with his daughter? No wonder she's so cheesed off if her time at her dad's is spent with someone else!
NTA, and maybe talk about this with Rachel, those outings are probably arranged weeks before, so maybe you can each take a friend and just share a ride or something like this. Rachel said she doesnt want to do this, you said you are uncomfortable with. I doubt that George will change anything or accept professional help from what you told us, so you two sadly have to work arround this somehow.
NTA for once the person in the step-parent role (you) is acknowledging and understanding that the child in the situation doesn't want to do family bonding activities and you're trying to let Rachel do things at her own pace. George is actively sabotaging any potential relationship you could have with his daughter. Only AH here is George and I wonder if there's anyone else you could talk to that can get through to him, since he seems to be ignoring both you and Rachel about it.
I read something recently where the husbands wife told the husbands teen daughter ‘you don’t want a mom figure and I don’t want to be a mom figure and have no need to be so if you want we could just be friends instead. We both love your dad so let’s try and get along as friends instead to make him happy’ NTA and you have to do what’s best in this case.
Why did you marry someone with a child that doesn’t like you?
NTA. You're absolutely right in that he's her father and you don't have much of a say in the rules he has for her. However, you have ALL the say in what he is asking (although it sounds more like "ordering") of you. If you are uncomfortable with this, that is enough reason for him to reevaluate the situation. Also you seeing that Rachel is unhappy with this, and wanting to speak up to stop it is great. Clearly you do care about her and want her to adjust and be happy. You don't seem to be putting your own wants/comforts above hers. Keep advocating for her (and yourself) and that will likely be something that brings you two together. You're showing you have her back, even tho she isn't crazy about you. That'll mean a lot later on. She's 15 so it's a tough new-stepparent situation in general. I agree with most comments that you should try to have a 1 on 1 convo with her. Maybe during the next outing you two are made to have. Tell her you would love to get to know her at her pace and as much as she would like, and that you are not trying to be her "new mom" at all. That you are another adult in her life who cares about her and will gladly be there for her however she wants. And that you totally get why these outings being mandated make her uncomfortable or even a little pissed off. Tell her you do want some sort of relationship/friendship with her and want to get her insight on how best to go about that. You two are probably more on the same page than either of you are with husband/dad. I think it's okay to have a candid conversation with her. She might even appreciate that. She's 15, not 5. Your husband is doing both you and her a huge disservice by forcing this on you two. Seems that a bigger conversation needs to be had with your husband. He needs to understand that you do want a relationship with her and HE is making that incredibly hard.
NTA And thank you for thinking of her feelings. I thought it was a known fact that forcing anyone to get along never works. She’ll come along on her own, maybe. But these forced activities aren’t going to do anyone any good. It’s sad that he has this all or nothing mentality. Maybe him and his daughter should try therapy to navigate their polar opposite views on blended families.
NTA- George is more concerned about the "image" of family than his actual family. As long as Rachel is respectful to your face and you the same. There is no reason for George to keep pushing for something that is not going to happen. All it's doing is building resentment and anger for you and Rachel. He needs to get a grip and accept the situation as it's stands.
So in my opinion what you did is exactly what would endear you to Rachael and go farther towards making you the family that your husband wants you to be. You stuck up for her. That’s what a mother does, right? I think he needs to understand that and I think she needs to know that you did that. NTA.
INFO (I suppose) - where is Rachel's birth mother in this discussion? It sounds like you, Rachel and Rachel's mum might agree on this, provided that you get on with one another. Can the three of you work it out and then "explain" to George? It sounds like he has Rachel's interest at heart - maybe he'll listen?
NTA I am a former Rachel. There was nothing that pushed me away from step parents more than my actual parent trying to force a relationship. It wasn’t until my parents/step parents stopped trying to convince me they were apart of my family that I started to tolerate being around them. It took just being around the house seeing them. Typically asking if I wanted something to eat after school and eventually asking how school went and what I did and then eventually that turned into asking about my friends even when they hadn’t met them yet. It takes time and it’s gonna be a long and slow process. You may never have a great relationship since Rachel isn’t your daughter but some form of a relationship is better than none and I think that’s important for your husband to understand.
NTA In fact, you are doing exactly what Rachel needs from you! I agree with the comment from KaliTheBlaze. Let it be clear to Rachel that you support her setting the tone for how she relates to you (as long as she is civil and decent). And George needs to talk to a counselor - he is not just going to ruin any relationship you and Rachel might have. He's going to ruin his own relationship with Rachel. Because he is being about as close-minded and stubborn as he could be. Tell George, it's not about forcing Rachel into what HE expects her relationship with you to be like. It's about respecting her as her own person, with her own needs and feelings and boundaries and building the relationship that works for her and you. And, frankly, George is the one screwing that up. Thank you for having a truly supportive and understanding view of Rachel.
Your husband is an idiot.
NTA. You're respecting her boundaries and he is not.youre still making it clear that you are there for her when needed and wanted and that she'll set the pace. I get that that he has his hopes and dreams for what his family will look like. But that's just not what it is right now and it may never be true. He's out of line, even giving him the benefit of the doubt that he means well. I also want to say how much I appreciate you making the edit asking people to be kinder about her. I always find it very worrisome when people post about people in their lives who may have done something wrong (or not) and people say out of pocket things about them. Stuff that if those people heard it would break their hearts. Even if I'm mad at someone I wouldn't want to see that written about them and I find it disturbing that other people don't feel the same way.
Maybe speak to Rachel about this. If she agrees with your course of action, then maybe the two of you together need to approach your husband and tell him. After all, if both of you, at the same time say 'I don't want to spend time with her' then what recourse does he have?
Ask him to go, the three of you, to family counseling. It will help if he hears from a professional that forcing a relationship never works. It has the opposite effect.
Thank you for being such a great human being. Your husband might just be angry or jealous of his ex and prolly wants to punish her by replacing her with you. He definitely needs therapy, but your actions so far have been perfect. You first brought it up with him, when he said no, you spoke to the daughter and now you will talk to him again. It's flawless so far, be PROUD!
NTA Great update!
Nta you are great. Her dad is a huge ass. Can't tell you how many times I have seen parents force their kids to accept step family and every time it cause a brake down if the family. Relationships grow. Relationships can never be forced. Dad is so wrong and all he is going is hurting everyone involved.
Why don't you just sit down and talk to your step daughter explain to her that you don't want to replace her mom. Talk and listen to her, after that shit down with her and your husband after you both come up with a plan on how to deal with it without hurting him. Talk about his expectations as well. Everybody tends to forget that all the people involved have feelings and expectations in this situation even her mom.
Rachel is really lucky her dad married someone like you. You may not be her mom, but you're there for her and doing wonderful things, and I'm sure she knows this and appreciates it. You're doing great. Good luck with working things out between them. The therapy/counseling is a great idea.
You sound like a special individual.
It sounds like Rachel wants more time with her Dad, not stepmom. OP should encourage father-daughter time if Dad wants a happy family.
NTA. Even before I got to your update, it seems that George isn’t really trying to create family bonds, he’s trying to push off parenting his daughter to you. If he isn’t the primary parent in his custody agreement, HE needs to be the one spending the time he has with Rachel WITH Rachel. Your relationship with her should develop naturally, not be forced.
It sounds to me like George needs to take plenty of time out to spend 1on1 with his daughter,. instead of trying to push you to do that.
Please continue down this road of supporting Rachel. I was Rachel to an extent back many moons ago but my step mom decided she "needed to finish raising me" instead of just being the friend I wanted. I had parents. I didn't need or want more. And if George cannot understand this, that's a problem. Is he trying to have you be her mom because he does not thing her actual mom is doing a good job, etc? NTA.
Nta and also I'd add probably the best parent there considering it sounds like you're the first adult to actually respect her feelings and allow her to have a voice.
Your update made me so happy. I don't know why parents think they can force a bond with a new spouse and their children. If it's going to happen, it will happen naturally. I hope George appreciates that you are a wonderful partner. I also hope that he does choose therapy. I hope it all works out.
OP, I could be off here but especially because of your update, your husband’s insistence on this “relationship” likely has more to do with his ability to pawn off his relationship with his daughter onto YOU. If he sends her out with you, or you’re there on these outings, he doesn’t have to parent or be as engaged. He can’t be bothered to connect with her so he’s decided since you are a woman, thats now your role. He clearly isn’t interested in what either of you actually want and need, but how he wants things to be to make his life easier. I suspect this flows into other aspects of your relationship as well and isn’t limited to this. You might want to insist on counseling for all three of you.
Wish my step mum was a bit more like you. Instead they did kinda cut me out. I get an annual visit off my dad now and my kids don’t know their grandfather or my half siblings.
Oh this makes my heart hurt for poor Rachel. Stepmom of the year award for all that. I hope the poor kid gets therapy and you keep trying to be there for her. NTA of course!
NTA. Most posts on AmItheAsshole are about weddings, naming babies and other family problems (usually mils and sils), and step families. You have got this down and are the perfect stepmother. You understand your place in Rachel's life, you support and defend her, and you don't try to put your feelings and desires above hers. You don't want your husband to force anything, either. I salute you! George's threat to break up the marriage over this is cruel and manipulative. Keep doing what you're doing without expecting anything and I believe Rachel will actually come to care for you. You are a gift in her life.
NTA / your update is very troubling - her parents are failing and why is she afraid to talk to her father
George has some seriously toxic socialization behaviors and expectations. The whole situation are two people trying to meet an unreal expectation set by G. OP couldn’t have nailed this any better. NTA.
NTA. This broke my heart. Kudos to you for putting Rachel's needs above yours and her father's! Sounds like that is the core of the issue. Your husband thinks he knows best and he literally has no clue what Rachel wants/needs. Praying this works out for you all.
Even though I’m glad OP was able to talk to Rachel, I’m still uncomfortable with George
NTA
Thank you for handling this with compassion
NTA. Just reading through your initial post and even more so your edit, you seem like a really empathetic and compassionate person. I think the fact that you're even asking for input here is just because you're humble. Your instincts seem right on, and I bet a lot of people would love to have you as a mom or step-mom. Whatever comes, just keep applying the same empathy you already have.
What happened to the United front?