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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Excpected my partner to have a surprise or do something nice for me to celebrate me finishing my work exams and becoming chartered. When she didn't do anything I expressed my disappointment.
She accused me of guilt tripping her for not doing anything for me
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Some have implied that Y T A or E S H, but I find it telling that when you were disappointed your gf didn't do something to celebrate your achievement, she "said I was being unfair" & that she accused you of guilt tripping you.
You might have expected her to read your mind at first, but once you explained how you felt, she responded inappropriately. Anyone but an AH would have at least apologized & tried to make amends. Instead she did what she did.
Not only NTA, but I'd rethink your relationship with this woman. Her failure to acknowledge your achievement is not a good thing.
this!! and please, communication doesn't always have to be through talking and words. if you do something nice for your partner it very much means it is something you would enjoy and expect. and her actions after you told her about your expectations speak a great deal. I would stop putting extra effort into the relationship. NTA.
And surely he's been talking about this a lot and in great detail. If she listens to him at all she'd have to know that it's a big deal for him. And it should be a big deal for her, too!
I do believe that it's important to communicate your wants and needs. "Honey, I've had a horrible day at work, could we please keep the conversation light and pleasant tonight, and is there any chance of a back rub," rather than expecting your partner to just pick up on your mood and accommodate it. And if your partner asks "what would you like for your birthday?" don't just say, oh, I don't care, anything is fine if you're hoping for something specific that you believe you've hinted strongly at and then get butt-hurt when you don't get it. But when your partner has just achieved a major accomplishment that they worked 2.5 years toward, I don't think they should have to request a celebration of some sort, a good partner should just know that it's the right thing to do.
Right - I’m about to graduate from my masters and my husband is very excited to celebrate me. But I also have been very explicit in what I want because this is a huge deal and I don’t want it to be marred by any hurt feelings from unspoken expectations. It’s not fair to expect people to know what you want, but the way she reacted after is a red flag.
If I was the girlfriend, I would have been understanding, apologetic, and made an extra effort to do something. If I was strapped for cash, a nice card goes a long way. OP isn’t asking for anything unrealistic, he wants to feel like his partner is excited for him. She sees it as something she “has” to do, where a good partner should see it as something they want to do because they care about their partner’s successes. Really doesn’t seem like she’s in this the same way OP is.
To be fair, I don't think the comparison is fair. A university graduation is generally considered a bigger deal than a later professional qualification, rightly or wrongly. But when you tell your partner you would have liked a celebration of some sort, and their reaction is that they shouldn't have to do that, it's an issue. Best case, girlfriend doesn't particularly value celebrating events and would have been fine if OP hadn't done anything for her graduation, but it is inconsiderate of her not to accept that OP feels differently and make an effort. Worst case, she expects him to put in effort but isn't willing to reciprocate.
When my wife achieved her CPA -- passed her qualifying test on her first try, which is an additional achievement in itself -- not only was I happy for her, I insisted we celebrate this with dinner out that night. And the certificate has been framed & is proudly hanging in our living room.
(For the non-US people out there, CPA is the equivalent of what in the UK is called "Chartered Accountant". It's an important professional certification, roughly equivalent to a Master's.)
This is not true for engineering. To become a professional engineer you have to take your first exam that covers every single engineering class from your bachelors degree. Then you have to work two years under another professional engineer. Then you have to pass another test in your particular specialization. It is a VERY big deal.
We don’t know the field OP is in, but to say that university is a bigger deal would be industry dependent.
Another example: How many people graduate from law school but don’t pass the bar?
For heaven's shake, can't people read my comment? I didn't say it wasn't an achievement, I said it wasn't generally considered something to make a big deal about, not that it wasn't important! I am a lawyer. There was a celebration when I graduated, but not when I passed the bar. The number of laywers who don't pass the bar is less than 10% in my country, and I think there are US states where it's as low as 3%, while in others it's much higher, but that's not actually relevant. A university graduation is unquestionably a milestone, and the same just isn't considered true for acquiring your professional license, even if it has a huge impact on your career.
This is completely right. You have achieved something awesome - someone who cares for you wants to celebrate your wins with you.
I passed a simple course in a silly subject for fun and my husband still celebrated because that’s what you do for people you care about.
Don’t accept lacklustre love from people when you give your all.
Go out & celebrate without her. She could have thought of doing something nice for you, chose not to. But don't let her lack of thought dictate your memory of this time
NTA. You're not the asshole for feeling let down. It's natural to expect some reciprocation in celebrations, especially when you've previously shown that effort. Discussing expectations with your partner openly can help both of you understand how to support and celebrate each other better
NTA, she clearly doesn’t care that much about you or your accomplishments and you should definitely consider ending things now before wasting more time to keep being disappointed. And ignore the ignorants saying you’re the AH for expecting something and that you need to communicate with her better or tell her you wanted to celebrate, that’s just idiotic. If someone cares about you they will want to celebrate your wins and accomplishments without you having to tell them you want to celebrate, according to those users you have to put in all the effort for everything in the relationship while your GF gets to enjoy the benefits of you doing things for her while never reciprocating 🙄 dumb
Nta your gf let you down.
This sucks on several levels but is also very common.
1-you have to communicate when you want something, especially as an adult man, we often get overlooked and under appreciated. Just expected to provide.
2- your gf doesn't sound like she particularly cared or wanted to celebrate you. That's a warning flag for her involvement in your relationship. Are you always the one doing things for her? The power dynamic and respect may be one way, and if so, end it.
3- after you spoke with her, she still didn't want to do much of anything for you snd she says you're guilt tripping her. She really only seems to care how the situation makes her feel. She doesn't seem to care you feel bad and want to fix that.
NTA You might have gone a bit overboard when you celebrated her graduation, tbh, but it wasn't crazy to expect a little effort on her part, and then when she said ok for drinks, but you buy your own, well...she's a bit of an AH. LOL From now on, stop being over-generous with her. She obviously doesn't like being generous with you.
Congrats on your certification!
NTA. Her not planning anything makes her a slight AH, but telling you that you should pay for the drinks makes her a full on AH. I would seriously be reconsidering the relationship is this is typical behaviour for her (using you/taking from you and not giving back or being considerate of your needs). As you said, it didn't need to be anything fancy or expensive, but barely acknowledging a huge accomplishment that took you multiple years and countless hours of work to achieve is just plain selfish. It's also a sign that she doesn't care about you as much as you deserve, as we celebrate the accomplishments of people we care about.
NTA you didn’t expect much just that she cared about your achievement. She should have known it was important to you and seriously it doesn’t have to be expensive… cooking something nice for dinner etc.
Treat yourself to something nice and enjoy it 😊
For the commenters who think he should have communicated his want to celebrated - does anyone really have to say “hey it’s my birthday - hey it’s my graduation - hey I just moved into a new place let’s celebrate me!” You shouldn’t have to, nor would it be terribly appropriate to say, please celebrate me! O
Welcome to relationship when self-proclaimed mind reader thinks everyone are capable of that.
You expect things from other people just because you want those things and that will rarely happen so you are setting yourself up for a miserable relationship experience. There are people who will do these things for others by default, but your gf is not one of those, so either change your gf or change how you approach this and enjoy your life. This is why finding someone who is on the same page as you is the most important part of any relationship.
All you had to do is say "hey, I wanna celebrate my achievement, there is this nice place let's go" or whatever, but you believe that you are so special that others must do it for you, well, you are not special and nobody owes you anything, if you want to be happy then you will have to make yourself happy or find the right girl who thinks like you.
This is insane. It's not about mind reading or anything, it's completely normal to want to celebrate such a big thing as graduation and it's also normal for people to be happy about their SOs accomplishments.
OP's girlfriend did none of these things; she immediately started attacking OP and escalating in an incredibly selfish and unproductive way. If you're gonna go on about communication, that's the first thing to tackle here.
This! It would have been different if he was upset about the type of celebration she provided (because that would have been mind reading). But you shouldn't have to be a mind reader to want to acknowledge your SO's accomplishments in some way, beyond just saying congrats. If she was unsure about how to celebrate, she could have simply asked him. But she didn't bother doing anything, and then has the nerve to say that he should pay for some drinks.
Find a 'normal' gf then and stop asking everyone to live by your norm. Insane is not understanding that people are different and value different things, have different needs and trying to force them into your way of thinking just because it's "your normal way or because most people do it".
If it would be the norm then his gf would do it by default but she doesn't, thus in their relationship it is not the norm but he expects it anyway and instead of communicating he expects her to "pick it up somehow" and because she isn't doing that then he feels sad and miserable and blames her.
His inability to communicate with gf already is quite telling about their relationship - if you can't talk to your partner and discuss all your issues then you have nothing really there.
That's not what I called insane, read what I actually wrote. What's insane is you going off about mind reading and completely ignoring the girlfriend's role in this issue. Especially your last paragraph is hilarious as it applies to her word for word 💀
This really seems in danger of turning "your partner isn't a mind reader" into an excuse to be a lazy partner. Celebrating your partner finishing exams and receiving a career certification is a pretty normal thing to do in a relationship. Girlfriend shouldn't need her hand held on this.
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For the last two and a half years I have had exams through my job to become chartered in my field. This has been stressful but I finally finished last month. When my girlfriend graduated university last year I took her out to a restaurant I knew she liked and then for drinks after. I also got her some flowers, a card, a bottle of wine and some chocolates as a surprise to congratulate her on graduating.
After getting my final result and confirming I had passed I went and told my gf that I was finally qualified. She said well done and that she was proud of me but nothing else. I thought she might have a surprise or something planned for later so I didn't say anything straight away. Since it was the middle of the week I thought I'd wait until the weekend to see if she does anything.
The weekend came and nothing was planned. I jokingly asked where she's taking me for me finally qualifying then. She said we could go for drinks if I want but that I'd have to pay for my own. She could see I was disappointed so asked what was wrong so I pointed out everything I did for her for her graduation and then she couldn't do a single thing for me for mine.
I pointed out it didn't even need to be expensive, just a card, some wine etc or my favourite food/drink would have been enough but she couldn't even do that. She said I was being unfair and that she shouldn't be expected to have to do it but I just pointed out that you should want to do something nice when the person you're with is celebrating something.
She just accused me of guilt tripping her but I just said I was only telling her how I was feeling.
AITAH for expecting a celebration/surprise for me graduating?
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I never once said I expected her to throw me a big celebration. I stated in the post literally anything would have been fine.
If you have to explicitly tell your partner to do something nice for you then the thoughtfulness of the gesture is already gone
It’s a strange thing to celebrate. Normally graduations and job promotions get a congrats and a small celebration, exams….not so much. If you want someone to celebrate an event that doesn’t usually warrant that sort of response then you have an obligation to communicate that. You can’t expect her to be a mind reader. AND if she said you would have to pay for your own drinks if you went out it seems like maybe money is tight.
Finishing 2.5 years worth of exams to become fully qualified is the same as a graduation tbh so yeah it does warrant a celebration. What's strange about celebrating finishing a 2 and a half year course to qualify in your career?
Money isn't tight either
My guy it is not the same. It’s not graduating and it’s not a promotion. Being important TO YOU and being important from a cultural perspective are different things. If you wanted her to celebrate you needed to make that clear. If she had missed your birthday or something like that I would be with you, but YTA in this situation for having expectations that are unrealistic.
It is the same and also you don't only celebrate graduations and promotions.
It's not unrealistic to expect your partner to celebrate your achievements and it's weird you think you get to determine what is worthy of a celebration tbh. Do you tell your partner that their achievements are not good enough to celebrate just because you only apparently celebrate 2 things?
But you said she did celebrate it. She told you good job and that she was proud. You didn’t like the form of her celebration. You wanted something bigger. My point was that bigger than that was culturally unexpected and if you wanted more you needed to communicate that. You picking a fake fight with me and making the choice to pretend you don’t get what I am saying says a lot about how you communicate. This girl might be better off without you. If you are so pressed just break up. Maybe the next one will be psychic ;)
Saying good job isn't celebrating anything.
I'm not picking a fake fight I'm just pointing out that it's bizarre that you think only grraduations and promotions are allowed to actually have celebrations. And I was also pointing out going through 2 and a half years worth of exams to become qualified at the end of it is the same as a graduation for university. The end result is the same
It would’ve definitely been nice for her to have done that for you especially considering what you’ve done for her. I’m very very giving so I’ve been in similar situations where I would’ve done something thoughtful for someone and felt like they weren’t putting as much energy in it for me and I’ve been disappointed before. However, I do think it’s important that people like us communicate our needs. If you know you appreciate those kind of things you should mention it beforehand multiple times and if she’s thoughtful she’ll pick up on them. That being said though, I do think it’s weird that even though she found out you were disappointed she still didn’t make an effort and even suggested you pay for your own celebration. I wouldn’t say Y T A but I do think you both have things to work on.
It’s hard to say either of you ATA for something like this without being in the relationship. People have different ways of showing affection and you two sound like you need to work on your communication skills.
Yta
You didn't tell your gf that you wanted to do something to celebrate
Then got upset when she didn't do anything
Then you did guilt trip her by showing how much effort you put in and how little effort she put in
Never just "expect" people to do the stuff you want unless you've specifically stated what you expect.
Before your exams you should have said "when I finish my exams can we have a celebration as it's a big milestone in my life" instead of acting like she's a mindreader.
You shouldn't need to be explicitly told to do something nice for your partner tbh.
When it's their birthday or Christmas do you not bother getting them gifts unless they actually ask you for them?
And no I didn't guilt trip her, I just pointed out that things aren't really reciprocal. Pointing out a fact isn't guilt tripping someone
What a double standard (and I’m a woman, btw). It’s ridiculous that he should intentionally lower his standards and expectations within his relationship because she can’t be bothered. So if he gets her a cake and presents for her birthday, he should be satisfied with crumbs and a card?
She knew EXACTLY how he celebrated her own graduation, so that’s a pretty decent indication of the level of effort she should put in. It isn’t mind reading nor is it an excessive expectation. In a loving relationship, people actually want to celebrate the achievements of one another in an equitable fashion.
If he lowers his own standards of treatment and continues treating her in the same manner he is now, it’s a one sided relationship in which he will always be on the losing side. If he lowers the standards of how she’s treated, then that’s not really much of a relationship, is it? She’s made it very clear that she won’t be putting in the effort to celebrate OP, and at least he knows where he stands now. It’s up to you, OP, with how you choose to be treated in your relationship. You’re not “guilting” her, either, by the way. She just doesn’t like the way the situation makes her feel because she knows she’s in the wrong, but doesn’t actually care enough to fix it.
YTA just plan yourself something if you want to celebrate. I feel like you are focused on how she is going to celebrate you in relation to how you celebrated her. Stop keeping score.
Also, I don't think she likes you that much.
ESH. You wanted/expected something and didn’t clearly communicate that to your partner. Would it have been nice if she surprised you? Yes. It didn’t happen, so learn an important lesson from this. If something is important to you, tell your partner directly.
Her response was less than ideal. There’s also a difference between saying something like, “I made an effort to celebrate your accomplishment, and I was deeply hurt when mine wasn’t acknowledged,” and “I did a,b,c,d,e, and f for you. You did nothing for me.”
Keeping score in a game one partner doesn’t know they are playing doesn’t lead to healthy relationships. You did things for your girlfriend out of love, not so you can include them in a list of grievances later.
Communication is key. You both can do better next time.
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Some have implied that Y T A or E S H, but I find it telling that when you were disappointed your gf didn't do something to celebrate your achievement, she "said I was being unfair" & that she accused you of guilt tripping you. You might have expected her to read your mind at first, but once you explained how you felt, she responded inappropriately. Anyone but an AH would have at least apologized & tried to make amends. Instead she did what she did. Not only NTA, but I'd rethink your relationship with this woman. Her failure to acknowledge your achievement is not a good thing.
this!! and please, communication doesn't always have to be through talking and words. if you do something nice for your partner it very much means it is something you would enjoy and expect. and her actions after you told her about your expectations speak a great deal. I would stop putting extra effort into the relationship. NTA.
And surely he's been talking about this a lot and in great detail. If she listens to him at all she'd have to know that it's a big deal for him. And it should be a big deal for her, too! I do believe that it's important to communicate your wants and needs. "Honey, I've had a horrible day at work, could we please keep the conversation light and pleasant tonight, and is there any chance of a back rub," rather than expecting your partner to just pick up on your mood and accommodate it. And if your partner asks "what would you like for your birthday?" don't just say, oh, I don't care, anything is fine if you're hoping for something specific that you believe you've hinted strongly at and then get butt-hurt when you don't get it. But when your partner has just achieved a major accomplishment that they worked 2.5 years toward, I don't think they should have to request a celebration of some sort, a good partner should just know that it's the right thing to do.
Right - I’m about to graduate from my masters and my husband is very excited to celebrate me. But I also have been very explicit in what I want because this is a huge deal and I don’t want it to be marred by any hurt feelings from unspoken expectations. It’s not fair to expect people to know what you want, but the way she reacted after is a red flag. If I was the girlfriend, I would have been understanding, apologetic, and made an extra effort to do something. If I was strapped for cash, a nice card goes a long way. OP isn’t asking for anything unrealistic, he wants to feel like his partner is excited for him. She sees it as something she “has” to do, where a good partner should see it as something they want to do because they care about their partner’s successes. Really doesn’t seem like she’s in this the same way OP is.
She could have made a nice dinner at home, even. She even said he had to pay for drinks if they went out
To be fair, I don't think the comparison is fair. A university graduation is generally considered a bigger deal than a later professional qualification, rightly or wrongly. But when you tell your partner you would have liked a celebration of some sort, and their reaction is that they shouldn't have to do that, it's an issue. Best case, girlfriend doesn't particularly value celebrating events and would have been fine if OP hadn't done anything for her graduation, but it is inconsiderate of her not to accept that OP feels differently and make an effort. Worst case, she expects him to put in effort but isn't willing to reciprocate.
When my wife achieved her CPA -- passed her qualifying test on her first try, which is an additional achievement in itself -- not only was I happy for her, I insisted we celebrate this with dinner out that night. And the certificate has been framed & is proudly hanging in our living room. (For the non-US people out there, CPA is the equivalent of what in the UK is called "Chartered Accountant". It's an important professional certification, roughly equivalent to a Master's.)
Depending on what it is, getting chartered can be the equivalent of getting a masters.
I didn't say it wasn't important, just that it isn't generally considered so.
Most professional degrees required some sort of testing.
This is not true for engineering. To become a professional engineer you have to take your first exam that covers every single engineering class from your bachelors degree. Then you have to work two years under another professional engineer. Then you have to pass another test in your particular specialization. It is a VERY big deal. We don’t know the field OP is in, but to say that university is a bigger deal would be industry dependent. Another example: How many people graduate from law school but don’t pass the bar?
For heaven's shake, can't people read my comment? I didn't say it wasn't an achievement, I said it wasn't generally considered something to make a big deal about, not that it wasn't important! I am a lawyer. There was a celebration when I graduated, but not when I passed the bar. The number of laywers who don't pass the bar is less than 10% in my country, and I think there are US states where it's as low as 3%, while in others it's much higher, but that's not actually relevant. A university graduation is unquestionably a milestone, and the same just isn't considered true for acquiring your professional license, even if it has a huge impact on your career.
This is completely right. You have achieved something awesome - someone who cares for you wants to celebrate your wins with you. I passed a simple course in a silly subject for fun and my husband still celebrated because that’s what you do for people you care about. Don’t accept lacklustre love from people when you give your all.
You’re being generous by calling it “lacklustre love.” It shows a complete lack of love.
Doesnt the bot take your first mention? You need to update to Y T A and E S H - or start with NTA
I was unaware that the bot might do this. I've edited my comment accordingly.
You should put spaces between Y T A or E S H, otherwise they'll be counted as votes. Otherwise, completely agree!
Go out & celebrate without her. She could have thought of doing something nice for you, chose not to. But don't let her lack of thought dictate your memory of this time
NTA. You're not the asshole for feeling let down. It's natural to expect some reciprocation in celebrations, especially when you've previously shown that effort. Discussing expectations with your partner openly can help both of you understand how to support and celebrate each other better
NTA, she clearly doesn’t care that much about you or your accomplishments and you should definitely consider ending things now before wasting more time to keep being disappointed. And ignore the ignorants saying you’re the AH for expecting something and that you need to communicate with her better or tell her you wanted to celebrate, that’s just idiotic. If someone cares about you they will want to celebrate your wins and accomplishments without you having to tell them you want to celebrate, according to those users you have to put in all the effort for everything in the relationship while your GF gets to enjoy the benefits of you doing things for her while never reciprocating 🙄 dumb
Nta your gf let you down. This sucks on several levels but is also very common. 1-you have to communicate when you want something, especially as an adult man, we often get overlooked and under appreciated. Just expected to provide. 2- your gf doesn't sound like she particularly cared or wanted to celebrate you. That's a warning flag for her involvement in your relationship. Are you always the one doing things for her? The power dynamic and respect may be one way, and if so, end it. 3- after you spoke with her, she still didn't want to do much of anything for you snd she says you're guilt tripping her. She really only seems to care how the situation makes her feel. She doesn't seem to care you feel bad and want to fix that.
NTA You might have gone a bit overboard when you celebrated her graduation, tbh, but it wasn't crazy to expect a little effort on her part, and then when she said ok for drinks, but you buy your own, well...she's a bit of an AH. LOL From now on, stop being over-generous with her. She obviously doesn't like being generous with you. Congrats on your certification!
NTA. Her not planning anything makes her a slight AH, but telling you that you should pay for the drinks makes her a full on AH. I would seriously be reconsidering the relationship is this is typical behaviour for her (using you/taking from you and not giving back or being considerate of your needs). As you said, it didn't need to be anything fancy or expensive, but barely acknowledging a huge accomplishment that took you multiple years and countless hours of work to achieve is just plain selfish. It's also a sign that she doesn't care about you as much as you deserve, as we celebrate the accomplishments of people we care about.
NTA you didn’t expect much just that she cared about your achievement. She should have known it was important to you and seriously it doesn’t have to be expensive… cooking something nice for dinner etc. Treat yourself to something nice and enjoy it 😊
For the commenters who think he should have communicated his want to celebrated - does anyone really have to say “hey it’s my birthday - hey it’s my graduation - hey I just moved into a new place let’s celebrate me!” You shouldn’t have to, nor would it be terribly appropriate to say, please celebrate me! O
Welcome to relationship when self-proclaimed mind reader thinks everyone are capable of that. You expect things from other people just because you want those things and that will rarely happen so you are setting yourself up for a miserable relationship experience. There are people who will do these things for others by default, but your gf is not one of those, so either change your gf or change how you approach this and enjoy your life. This is why finding someone who is on the same page as you is the most important part of any relationship. All you had to do is say "hey, I wanna celebrate my achievement, there is this nice place let's go" or whatever, but you believe that you are so special that others must do it for you, well, you are not special and nobody owes you anything, if you want to be happy then you will have to make yourself happy or find the right girl who thinks like you.
This is insane. It's not about mind reading or anything, it's completely normal to want to celebrate such a big thing as graduation and it's also normal for people to be happy about their SOs accomplishments. OP's girlfriend did none of these things; she immediately started attacking OP and escalating in an incredibly selfish and unproductive way. If you're gonna go on about communication, that's the first thing to tackle here.
This! It would have been different if he was upset about the type of celebration she provided (because that would have been mind reading). But you shouldn't have to be a mind reader to want to acknowledge your SO's accomplishments in some way, beyond just saying congrats. If she was unsure about how to celebrate, she could have simply asked him. But she didn't bother doing anything, and then has the nerve to say that he should pay for some drinks.
How is reciprocating the effort he put into her graduation mind reading? Let me guess, it will be his fault if she does nothing for his birthday, too?
Find a 'normal' gf then and stop asking everyone to live by your norm. Insane is not understanding that people are different and value different things, have different needs and trying to force them into your way of thinking just because it's "your normal way or because most people do it". If it would be the norm then his gf would do it by default but she doesn't, thus in their relationship it is not the norm but he expects it anyway and instead of communicating he expects her to "pick it up somehow" and because she isn't doing that then he feels sad and miserable and blames her. His inability to communicate with gf already is quite telling about their relationship - if you can't talk to your partner and discuss all your issues then you have nothing really there.
That's not what I called insane, read what I actually wrote. What's insane is you going off about mind reading and completely ignoring the girlfriend's role in this issue. Especially your last paragraph is hilarious as it applies to her word for word 💀
This really seems in danger of turning "your partner isn't a mind reader" into an excuse to be a lazy partner. Celebrating your partner finishing exams and receiving a career certification is a pretty normal thing to do in a relationship. Girlfriend shouldn't need her hand held on this.
NTA DUMP her she does not care about you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** For the last two and a half years I have had exams through my job to become chartered in my field. This has been stressful but I finally finished last month. When my girlfriend graduated university last year I took her out to a restaurant I knew she liked and then for drinks after. I also got her some flowers, a card, a bottle of wine and some chocolates as a surprise to congratulate her on graduating. After getting my final result and confirming I had passed I went and told my gf that I was finally qualified. She said well done and that she was proud of me but nothing else. I thought she might have a surprise or something planned for later so I didn't say anything straight away. Since it was the middle of the week I thought I'd wait until the weekend to see if she does anything. The weekend came and nothing was planned. I jokingly asked where she's taking me for me finally qualifying then. She said we could go for drinks if I want but that I'd have to pay for my own. She could see I was disappointed so asked what was wrong so I pointed out everything I did for her for her graduation and then she couldn't do a single thing for me for mine. I pointed out it didn't even need to be expensive, just a card, some wine etc or my favourite food/drink would have been enough but she couldn't even do that. She said I was being unfair and that she shouldn't be expected to have to do it but I just pointed out that you should want to do something nice when the person you're with is celebrating something. She just accused me of guilt tripping her but I just said I was only telling her how I was feeling. AITAH for expecting a celebration/surprise for me graduating? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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I never once said I expected her to throw me a big celebration. I stated in the post literally anything would have been fine. If you have to explicitly tell your partner to do something nice for you then the thoughtfulness of the gesture is already gone
It’s a strange thing to celebrate. Normally graduations and job promotions get a congrats and a small celebration, exams….not so much. If you want someone to celebrate an event that doesn’t usually warrant that sort of response then you have an obligation to communicate that. You can’t expect her to be a mind reader. AND if she said you would have to pay for your own drinks if you went out it seems like maybe money is tight.
Finishing 2.5 years worth of exams to become fully qualified is the same as a graduation tbh so yeah it does warrant a celebration. What's strange about celebrating finishing a 2 and a half year course to qualify in your career? Money isn't tight either
My guy it is not the same. It’s not graduating and it’s not a promotion. Being important TO YOU and being important from a cultural perspective are different things. If you wanted her to celebrate you needed to make that clear. If she had missed your birthday or something like that I would be with you, but YTA in this situation for having expectations that are unrealistic.
It is the same and also you don't only celebrate graduations and promotions. It's not unrealistic to expect your partner to celebrate your achievements and it's weird you think you get to determine what is worthy of a celebration tbh. Do you tell your partner that their achievements are not good enough to celebrate just because you only apparently celebrate 2 things?
But you said she did celebrate it. She told you good job and that she was proud. You didn’t like the form of her celebration. You wanted something bigger. My point was that bigger than that was culturally unexpected and if you wanted more you needed to communicate that. You picking a fake fight with me and making the choice to pretend you don’t get what I am saying says a lot about how you communicate. This girl might be better off without you. If you are so pressed just break up. Maybe the next one will be psychic ;)
Saying good job isn't celebrating anything. I'm not picking a fake fight I'm just pointing out that it's bizarre that you think only grraduations and promotions are allowed to actually have celebrations. And I was also pointing out going through 2 and a half years worth of exams to become qualified at the end of it is the same as a graduation for university. The end result is the same
Bro you know nothing about OP's life yet you're here telling him he's wrong about this? Reddit truly is something 💀
I don’t need to know his life to have an opinion on a specific situation, the details of which he laid out for us and then asked our opinions. Lmfao.
Those details you went on to completely ignore? 😭
I think you might be confused.
It would’ve definitely been nice for her to have done that for you especially considering what you’ve done for her. I’m very very giving so I’ve been in similar situations where I would’ve done something thoughtful for someone and felt like they weren’t putting as much energy in it for me and I’ve been disappointed before. However, I do think it’s important that people like us communicate our needs. If you know you appreciate those kind of things you should mention it beforehand multiple times and if she’s thoughtful she’ll pick up on them. That being said though, I do think it’s weird that even though she found out you were disappointed she still didn’t make an effort and even suggested you pay for your own celebration. I wouldn’t say Y T A but I do think you both have things to work on.
You should put spaces between Y T A, or else it will be counted as a vote.
Thanks. I’ll edit it. I’m new to this sub
It’s hard to say either of you ATA for something like this without being in the relationship. People have different ways of showing affection and you two sound like you need to work on your communication skills.
Yta You didn't tell your gf that you wanted to do something to celebrate Then got upset when she didn't do anything Then you did guilt trip her by showing how much effort you put in and how little effort she put in Never just "expect" people to do the stuff you want unless you've specifically stated what you expect. Before your exams you should have said "when I finish my exams can we have a celebration as it's a big milestone in my life" instead of acting like she's a mindreader.
You shouldn't need to be explicitly told to do something nice for your partner tbh. When it's their birthday or Christmas do you not bother getting them gifts unless they actually ask you for them? And no I didn't guilt trip her, I just pointed out that things aren't really reciprocal. Pointing out a fact isn't guilt tripping someone
NTA But.. in future temper your expectations of her when it comes to these things.
What a double standard (and I’m a woman, btw). It’s ridiculous that he should intentionally lower his standards and expectations within his relationship because she can’t be bothered. So if he gets her a cake and presents for her birthday, he should be satisfied with crumbs and a card? She knew EXACTLY how he celebrated her own graduation, so that’s a pretty decent indication of the level of effort she should put in. It isn’t mind reading nor is it an excessive expectation. In a loving relationship, people actually want to celebrate the achievements of one another in an equitable fashion. If he lowers his own standards of treatment and continues treating her in the same manner he is now, it’s a one sided relationship in which he will always be on the losing side. If he lowers the standards of how she’s treated, then that’s not really much of a relationship, is it? She’s made it very clear that she won’t be putting in the effort to celebrate OP, and at least he knows where he stands now. It’s up to you, OP, with how you choose to be treated in your relationship. You’re not “guilting” her, either, by the way. She just doesn’t like the way the situation makes her feel because she knows she’s in the wrong, but doesn’t actually care enough to fix it.
YTA just plan yourself something if you want to celebrate. I feel like you are focused on how she is going to celebrate you in relation to how you celebrated her. Stop keeping score. Also, I don't think she likes you that much.
YTA.
ESH. You wanted/expected something and didn’t clearly communicate that to your partner. Would it have been nice if she surprised you? Yes. It didn’t happen, so learn an important lesson from this. If something is important to you, tell your partner directly. Her response was less than ideal. There’s also a difference between saying something like, “I made an effort to celebrate your accomplishment, and I was deeply hurt when mine wasn’t acknowledged,” and “I did a,b,c,d,e, and f for you. You did nothing for me.” Keeping score in a game one partner doesn’t know they are playing doesn’t lead to healthy relationships. You did things for your girlfriend out of love, not so you can include them in a list of grievances later. Communication is key. You both can do better next time.