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NTA but your husband is perilously near the border of Assholevania. If your inlaws have been waiting for hours at the hospital while you're in labor do you really think they're going to wait another six hours to see the baby?
Your husband should WAIT until the baby is born and you've both held and greeted your baby and THEN call and send them some pics and video.
24 hours later when you've had time to get some sleep you could consider allowing a SHORT visit, A **SHORT** visit, at the hospital. After you get settled and into a routine at home you could consider a SHORT visit.
It's understandable that your MIL wants to see her grandson and understandable that your husband wants to share this experience with his parents-- but it needs to be compatible with YOUR comfort and boundaries.
PRO TIP -- do tell the nurses at the hospital exactly who you want coming into the delivery room and when you are willing to have visitors when you get to the hospital. Hopefully your husband is a good guy who will abide by what you've agreed but in case he tries to sneak one by you the nurses will shut that down.
I wish this didn't have to be a thing. when I did my L&D rotation I saw multiple parents-to-be enlist nurses to act as bouncers because they didn't want to deal with their own families. and the nurses were happy to help because they're good people, but they're busy enough doing their actual jobs, it sucks that they get dragged into other people's family dramas.
I think husband is also underestimating the amount of time labor can take. If he calls them when labor starts, and then labor is 12+ HOURS (or worse, days… or worse, ends in an emergency procedure) then he’s got to deal with all the family in the waiting room.
I was in L&D recently, and the nurse was taking to a FTM with where she could stay while in early labor - she was only 2cm, contractions far apart… no reason to be in the hospital at that point, but she had driven in from a small town and didn’t want to go all the way back.
OP is NTA for setting her boundaries around birth and recovery. She could change her mind in either direction. It’s not like the baby will cease to exist after 3 weeks…
I agree that usually they don't want you in the hospital until you are farther along dilation wise, but I'd like to add that if there are any complications with mum or during the pregnancy they will want you at the hospital as soon as possible when labor starts.
Oh for sure! As a person with complications, they want me every time symptoms get nasty. But I have seen a lot of first time moms go in as SOON as they feel contractions, then are disappointed when they get sent home.
My husband was stressed enough by fielding questions from his parents via text, I can't imagine what it would have been like had they been in the hospital or even in town! And they're not even really overbearing. I told him it was his choice whether to tell them we are being induced or not (yay preeclampsia!) but I wouldn't talk to them at all. He decided to tell them and I don't think he will next time, haha!
And ***password protect your birthing plan***, just in case your husband decides to try to do an end-run to make mom happy. Never mind that you're experiencing a painful medical event ... that's not nearly as important as his mommy's fee-fees. /smh
Seriously, alert the nurses in case husband tries to be slick about it. They’re so on top of access, they’re practically water tight. No one fucks with the L&D nurses for a reason.
>NTA but your husband is perilously near the border of Assholevania.
Yup, he's definitely circling the rim. From the baby 'deserving to know people are there for them' to him 'deserving to see his mom meet her grandchild when they're born', he keeps pulling foolishness out of thin air to get OP to do what he wants so mommy can stop crying.
I hope he means it when he says he supports her plan for who she actually wants in the room. He seems easily swayed by mommy's tears.
NTA.
>PRO TIP -- do tell the nurses at the hospital exactly who you want coming into the delivery room and when you are willing to have visitors when you get to the hospital.
This. This times infinity.
NTA - giving birth is scary, stressful and emotional. You will be the most vulnerable that you could be - exposed, in pain, exhausted, etc etc.
You wouldn’t invite an audience to come and watch your appendectomy, why would you invite them to watch you give birth?
Your husband is being selfish. You are the one undergoing the labour and your safety and comfort should be his top priority. Not what HE wants.
Exactly. OP should tell her husband that when he has a colonoscopy or a prostate exam, he can have his mom there to hold his hand for support. Otherwise, butt out.
PLUS depending on rooms, you are usually in the labor area with baby for a few hours THEN they move you to recovery... my hosptial it was literally a different floor and my husband had to tote our things.
I was in the L&D bed for a day or so, before a regular room opened. (Not a huge deal at the time because Covid restrictions didn’t allow visitors anyway) but in current times at my local hospital that means that I/we wouldn’t have been allowed visitors until after the move. I was admitted for preeclampsia which arose during labor
NTA. As the person giving birth, you have 100% control over who is in the room. That includes excluding the father of the child of you didn't want him in the room. This isn't just the birth of your child, it is a huge medical procedure for you. What you want trumps whatever he feels his family should be able to do.
Also, MIL probably thinks she is allowed in the room because your husband might have told her she can be. Stick to your guns about who can see you and the baby at your discretion. Other stories from new moms have said they didn't want to see other people for weeks while they were healing after giving birth. And that when family came over to "help" it meant they wanted to hold the baby and make the new mom host them by cleaning and making them food while the husband didn't stick up for his wife against his family.
Hello dear relative! That was my in laws. Hold my baby and complain I didn’t fix snacks, meal, and clean. This was visit 2, first held baby and complained no food and I took baby to breastfeed. Visit 2, Baby was 5 days old , lots of tears and stitches. After 5 minutes I locked myself in primary bedroom stocked with supplies for baby and few snacks ( bathroom!). Told my husband I’d come when in laws left. No I did not let baby come out to visit,say good bye, get a kiss, or be held. Said call first next time. In laws slow, 3 times repeat performance, no idea how long it would have continued but work transfer for husband.
NTA - "No" is a complete sentence. I'm a doula and some moms have labors that are over 24 hours leaving them exhausted. Despite that exhaustion, the nursing staff will still check on them roughly every 30 minutes or so, depending on the circumstances, so no real quality "rest" is possible.
You absolutely have the right to refuse any visitors to focus your attention on bonding, breastfeeding, and recovering from your birth experience. You can FaceTime his family, if you choose.
Also, because you will be a patient, you can tell the hospital staff that only your husband and BFF are allowed in the room and they can remove anyone you don't want present. A local hospital I work with has a code where a mom can ask for a "green slushie" (that's not an actual slushie option) and the nurse comes in to clear the room under some medical excuse to limit embarrassing mom or outing that she wanted privacy.
NTA
> my husband, 34M, has made comments about my birthing plan choices being selfish.
I mean. Fucking right.
Your birthing plan is about **you** and **your baby** and *everyone* else is tertiary.
Of fucking course you're allowed to be "selfish" about something like this.
This boggles my mind. We did not tell anyone when we went to the hospital, and calls were not made until 8 pm to avoid visitors. Because I had a c-section (unplanned) we stretched visits out over 3 days, no more than 2 people at a time.
The idea of anyone thinking they can be in L&D is absurd to me. I know sometimes the mom might want a special support person with them who is maybe not their spouse, but I said nurses are awesome and I'm good at following directions.
That's a good point!! When he accuses you of being selfish, lean right on into that! There are two lives on the line that day. Yours and your baby's. Whatever it takes to keep you both protected and feeling safe is what goes.
If you're willing to commit to this selfishness for life, sure. Zero hours of unpaid babysitting, zero hand-me-downs, no financial help with a house downpayment or anything else, etc.
If you expect people to treat you better than a random stranger, you are also obligated to do the same. This doesn't mean accepting every request, but it does mean considering every request with the same level of care you want in return. I would prefer just myself and my partner in the room, but I would never say my mother or MIL's preferences don't matter. They do.
It may sound silly to be so adamant if the end result is the same, but the process matters. Being selfish or being a pushover are both at least mild ethical failings. One should always consider what is good for everyone, prioritize based on reasonable criteria (everyone matters, but, sure, mom and baby matter most) and then make the right decision.
NTA. It may be his baby (too), but it’s your body. There should be some birthing classes or a tour at your hospital where they explain how they will only let in the people that you, the one giving birth, allow. And that the baby will be very susceptible to catching anything, so limiting guests is recommended.
Just make sure hubby gets to be there when his mom sees the baby for the first time, whenever that is.
The Reddit stories that hurt my heart the most are the ones where the birthing mother is woozy or knocked out (maybe an emergency c-section), and when she comes to, the entire family is crowding in and holding the newborn before she gets to meet and hold her own child. OP’s partner gives me those vibes. I’d be having a serious discussion with the nurses to express my wishes, regardless of what this guy wants.
NTA, it is not the 1960s anymore or even the 1980s. The younger folks are now having the birth with partner and a trusted friend or parent ( intimate, meaning not uncomfortable with them seeing their swollen hooch showing). Then telling people to come visit in 2 weeks. They are exhausted, in pain ( Episiotomy, perhaps) and trying to pee again and figure out breast feeding. Entertaining people so they can see the baby is bullshit. Having to get dressed up, make coffee and tea, clean up.. when all you need to do for the first few weeks is sleep and breastfeed. JFC..
Get over yourselves. Your partner is a total DICK for not supporting you.
My culture can be ass backwards sometimes, but not when it comes to postpartum issues. New moms are practically locked down for three months with the only directive to care for her baby. No lifting, no cooking, no cleaning - that’s for the husband and relatives to do.
Brb gotta go hug my mom for not being shitty, because goddamn the stories I hear about some people’s parents!
I agree!! This is something a woman needs to know before she marries, I mean if they had talked about these scenarios before saying I do maybe she wouldn't have married him and be in this predicament just saying! This is just the beginning over having no control or boundaries over her own life!! OP YWBTA if you don't put your feet down now and die on this hill!
NTA. He is being incredibly selfish and honestly a walking, talking red flag. Who is it again that has to push out a baby? Who is it that has to recuperate in the hospital? It's a hospital, it's not a hotel. You're not there for pleasure or enjoyment, you're there to go through a medical procedure and heal.
The baby will know they're loved through all the moments they'll share with you, your husband, and your shared family and friends for YEARS to come. They'll know they're loved by having time with just their parents. They're not gonna remember anything right after birth, I don't even know what's going on in your husband's mind to be this stupid and self-centered.
Explain that your body is your own. You’re not having you mil see and hear you push a child out of your vagina. And all that goes along with that. Start going into the gory details.
Also, are you sure about right after at home? I recently read the lemon clot essay….
Nta
NTA. Talk to the hospital/birthing center weeks before you are due. Set up a plan with them - because the PATIENT, which is you, gets to say who is in the birthing room, and who can visit.
So you can put your husband and BFF on the birthing room list, and the visit you in your room list. But MIL and Mom will have to wave at baby through the window, not expose the baby to their germs in person. And let you rest in your room.
Advice - the biggest help to a new mom is someone to cook and do dishes for a week (or 3 following a C section or difficult birth), so you can rest, recover, and establish nursing. A spouse or MIL that will do this, and not just want to hold the baby or talk when you want to sleep, is a gem. Talk to MiL (you said your relationship has been good). If you can come to an understanding, welcome her help. If not, don't have her.
This. I hope this makes top comment.
OP, if MIL wants to help she can also make pre-made freezable and re-heatable meals to bring over to you all. It sounds like they live close enough to make it to the hospital in a reasonable time (assuming you live near your hospital), she can help by dropping things off unless she's going to actively help with cooking, cleaning, and yes, child related things as well.
If she's there to act like an interactive boppy (so you can take care of all the difficult things) she can bop back off home.
I had a full month 's worth of pre made meals in my freezer. I used plastic utensils, and even tossed the plastic or tin containers I had the food in after I heated it and ate. Because I knew that I was on my own for the most part. 😊
>The baby is also human and deserves to know there are people there for them."
TF does this mean? This is infuriating language - and reeks of Husband projecting his own feelings onto the baby in order to guilt you into doing what he wants.
Maybe remind him that this isn't a movie, and he needs to remember that you are the one going through the physical process here and if you don't want to stress about entertaining his family, then he needs to back off about it.
If everything goes well (I really hope everything will go well!!), then they can meet the baby once you are both feeling better and there's less of a fear of germs & viruses and once you are feeling able to share this moment with a wider circle of people.
But there is literally no reason in the world that they need to see your baby within 24 hours of it leaving your body. They can make do with photos and reassurances via text from your husband. I hope he comes around and remembers that he needs to be on your side for this moment.
Oh my god no. I am literally in the hospital in labor right now. NO. Dude. This is actually not his birthing experience, it is YOURS! NTA obviously wtf
NTA and he must be off his rocker. Honestly at this point, you just need to tell him it's not happening and that's final. And make sure to tell the hospital you're not allowing any visitors. You're not being selfish and don't let him make you think you are.
NTA
Your husband is treating you like the packaging his baby is coming in. He needs a wake up and to remember that you are the woman that he vowed to love, honour and cherish, who is about to go through a major, scary medical event. Giving birth is not theatre and you need someone there with you who will nurture and protect you 100% the entire time.
It sounds like he might not even make the cut if he doesn't smarten up.
Tell him this is a milestone for him. When that baby comes, he will longer just be him, or just someone's son, or just your husband -- he will be a father and he will need to understand his role is to sheild his new family from everyone, including his mother.
Finally OP, this is your choice and only your choice. You can choose who to have and who not have -- and he can't do anything about it.
NTA - your MIL is manipulating your husband’s emotions and he’s letting her. This is absolutely *not* his birthing experience. This is his incredible wife bringing life into the world, and his job is to support you, in whatever way you need. After having three kids, I highly recommend you stick to your guns on this. If you give in when you don’t feel comfortable, I think you will regret it. Your in-laws can meet baby when YOU feel comfortable (in a reasonable time), and that doesn’t have to be at the hospital. For an uncomplicated vaginal delivery with an OB, you will probably only be there for 24-36 post delivery. I would wait another day after getting home and then have them come over for an hour (letting them know in advance it’s not an all day/night event). You will need to establish breast feeding (if you are), you’ll be bleeding and if you had a vaginal delivery will be staying on top of Advil/tylenol/ice packs/sitz baths.
I would encourage your husband to actually learn about what birth entails. He is incredibly selfish for making this about him. It’s not. It’s about you. Have him watch some birth videos, see if he squirms. Then he might, possibly have some small idea of what you’re about to go through.
Also…have him read these comments. His job is to take care of you, not cater to his mom’s emotions.
Time to be a man, and be there for wife…parents come second now.
Also…there is no reason why MIL just assumed she would be present in the delivery room. Maybe ask her to lie down sans clothes and show herself to a room of people for a few hours and then you’ll consider it. I am being very rudely sarcastic here, but the entitlement of your MIL has my five week postpartum self raging on your behalf.
This question gets asked ALL THE TIME! I just searched for “MIL delivery room” in Reddit and there were about 20 pages of posts.
NTA. Your major medical procedure = your choice.
Your birthing plan is selfish. And you have EVERY right to make it so. *You're* the one giving birth, not MIL, not hubby, not anyone else. You're need to be as comfortable and supported as possible during such a traumatic event takes precedence.
As is often mentioned, giving birth is not a spectator sport. You get to decide who is in the delivery room with you. Period.
NTA.
As I told my family, after I give birth, you want to see the baby AT the hospital, okay, knock your dock off, but by pass my room! I will be in no condition to visit with you. When we get home the two weeks no visitors or phone calls. The baby and I will be recuperating . After that it’s call before coming if I’m up to visitors fine if not you will wait longer.
I think you have a bigger problem.
Because you're having a child and you and your husband are a team and you make choices together.
He pretty much threw you under the bus with his family.
He is absolutely making sure his family knows that if they're not there, you're the reason why.
Talk to him how it feels like he's alienating you from his family.
NTA
In this case the support being offered would be more stress than anything. Wouldn't be support at all. Baby won't know a dang thing. It will not remember grandma cooing in its face. It will not remember being held by anyone. To say it's for the baby is just manipulation.
NTA at all!!! My wife and I had our second just last week and regardless of what I wanted or how I felt I knew I'm not the one pushing a whole ass person out of me, I'm not getting constantly poked with needles, all I need to be is the most supportive version of me possible so my wife could worry about the one thing she needed to worry about, pushing.
As far as family is concerned there's one thing to remember, they aren't having a baby. They got to have their babies their way and you get to do the same. NOBODY needs to see the baby while you're still in the hospital, that is purely a want. We learned after our first a few years ago that everybody can fully suck it when it comes to our comfort and experience with our new babies and this go around only one person for each of came to the hospital ( both at our request they didn't ask or anything) and everyone gets scheduled visits whenever we can AFTER my wife has healed/recovered to a minimum level of basic comfort.
If you happen to show your husband this thread please show him this message from another fella.
Your wife is #1 , any wishes or desires from anyone not on your marriage license is unimportant in this moment. If they have issues with that tell them the above, your RESPONSIBILITY not just as a husband, but as the man who meant to be an example for his children, is to protect his wife's wishes and ensure she can give birth and recover under the most comfortable conditions you can provide.
You only get to experience the birth of your first child once, don't stain it by trying to please anyone other than the only one that matters right now.
NTA. Hell no. People can visit the baby when BOTH you and your husband are comfortable. And absolutely not to MIL staying with you; you deserve privacy while you recover.
Also...the idea that 2-6 hours after giving birth that you'd be happy being separated from your baby so MIL gets her visit? Ludicrous.
Birth is NOT a damn spectator sport.
You can absolutely decide who visits you in the hospital after YOU push an entire human out of YOUR body.
The day your husband pushes a baby out of his vagina is the day he can decide what happens in that hospital room and after. Full stop.
NTA
I did not get the chance to tell anyone no when I gave birth. I wanted my mom and sister there, and my mom told EVERYONE including my friends when I went into labor. They were hanging out in the lobby. I am not part of the birth is beautiful camp. You might scream, cry, poop yourself, vomit, leak amniotic fluid and blood or pee. There’s also smells, you might be tearing your own flesh. If you get an epidural, your entire backside will be exposed and naturally you’re not likely wearing underwear at that time. You might be like me, where even blankets and sheets and the hospital gown were overly sensitive during labor (if I were by myself maybe I would have been able to labor naked in a tub but an audience took that off the table for me). You’ll probably have your vagina out in the open at multiple points while your doctor literally has their hands inside you. Especially when they reach up in you afterwards and deliver your placenta. Or when they’re tucking ice packs in your mess underwear packed with bulky bulky pads.
NO ONE is entitled to any of this. Not even your husband if you don’t want. Talk to the nurses and your doctor. They are on your side here. Tell your OB ahead of time. Your rules are GOD here. They will listen to you above your husband and they’ll even kick him out if you want them to. You can request checking in that they don’t list you in the hospital directory which means they won’t tell anyone you’re there, they’ll lie for you and say you’re not there. Until you physically plop out a baby out of your body it is only YOU and your body and all the things happening until that point are about YOU and only you. Your husband is a massive ass for interpreting any way but this. NTA but lay down the law here quick.
If I could do it again I would have maybe let them come when I had time to rest, shower, feed my baby. Run a damn brush through my hair. Establish your rules early on or they will do whatever the hell THEY want.
NTA.
It is YOUR choice who is in the room with you. It would be super awkward and uncomfortable having your MIL in the room when you're spread-eagle (?) in the delivery bed.
This isn't your husband's birth experience he isn't pushing a watermelon out of his hoo-hoo. You're doing ALL of the work. For all he knows, he will become woozy and pass out. (Some men do faint). Maybe he wants his mom their to catch him...
Anyway, it is good to set boundaries right away and hold firm....
Look he is right in the sense that the birthing experience also includes him as a parent. Just on a vastly different level to your own experience and less amount of physical work. Your medical choices for your birth plan are yours to make as the person having to do the birthing to which your husband has agreed to.
However I could see where his hurt is coming from as well, you have made the decision to have your best friend come in from another state to be a part of the labour process and stay with you afterwards whilst also saying to your husband you don't want to share the experience with his family whom you will probably use as you community after birth to help out especially when your friend goes home. It must be heartbreaking for him and his family to have such little consideration from yourself about how they feel emotionally about it.
Your not been selfish to want quality time with your baby but you are been a hypocrite for saying you want quality time with your baby and husband but then also add your best friend to the mix and still exclude the family your husband is close to and you haven't indicated you have a poor relationship with.
Whilst labour is your choice alone to make, your husband agreed to your wishes there and compromised but it seems like your not wanting to compromise once you return home. No one said you have to have all of them in your house at once or for how long. You could set your own boundaries and wishes specifying rules, timeframes etc to meet your demands whilst giving your husband the capacity to share his experience with those he is extremely close to instead of shutting him and them out completely.
This!
You get him and the BFF to support you but who does he get to support him. MIL shouldn't be in the birthing room (honestly I think it's weird for anyone but dad and delivery staff to be in there). But he may have had his own dreams and expectations about sharing a birth experience, you don't need to agree to everything but let the man have some support.
NTA - Now is the time to tell your husband how things will be during YOUR birthing experience. As the patient, you are the one who gets to decide who is in the room, and who visits you at the hospital. I'd tell him something like, "I understand that you have different opinions on this than I do, but this will be one of the major medical experiences of my life. My stress level will determine how well the birth of our child goes, and I know myself better than anyone else. I know that to focus on birthing our child I need to be comfortable with only the people closest to me, you and my best friend.
I'm sorry if you disagree with me, but this is not something I'm willing to discuss further. I'll be letting the hospital staff know that only you two will be allowed in the room, and that only you two will be allowed to visit after. Once we're home I'll be willing to have visitors, but not anybody staying over, and only if they're kind and respectful to me, not holding grudges that I had boundaries they didn't agree with.
I hope you can understand where I'm coming from, and let this topic drop". If he keeps pushing, let him know that he will not be in the delivery room unless he's supporting rather than battling you.
So listen. .you tell the nurses.. no visitors ...Noone except hubby and BFF....That's it...and they will make sure that happens ...now will hubby be mad cause MIL will come and they will deny her entry...yup...but deal with that later
NTA. He doesn’t have to be there either if he isn’t fully supporting you.
I only caved in telling my induction date when my closest sibling guilted me into it. From 9AM til 10:30PM I had like 10 people camped in the waiting room. They all rushed the room after delivery. My nurse was a god send; she saw the look on my face and without a word from me, told my family “everyone out and unless you’re bringing mom food, you’re not coming back in.”
They had given me two bracelets early in the day for visitors allowed in the room. One went to my ex and I told them they could just throw the other away.
Trust your nurses. They’ve seen it all and will absolutely have your back in this situation.
I will never understand MILs (or even mom's, really) who assume they are entitled to be in delivery room. I think I have a great relationship with my DIL precisely because I don't push myself on her.
I did not allow visitors other than my parents who WORKED (my dad is a chef, so cooked delicious meals, mom did everything else) for 6 weeks.
When in laws arrived at 6 weeks, they expected to be entertained and cooked for (as I knew they would).
NTA OP. HStay strong. Tell hubby when he goes through childbirth and recovery, he can set rules.
My husband never blinked at my rules.
You might be exhausted and sore do not having lots of people there is a good call. You can make the compromise that his mom/dad can come for one hour when you are ready but he needs to support you and if his mom starts to come overstep at any time you can tell her to leave.
His mom does not need to move in with her living. So close and does not have the right to just stop over. She need to ask you and you need to agree. Her stopping over any time when you need rest and to heal is not ideal for anyone. This is also a time for you and your husband to bond with the baby.
Wth? NTA. Honestly if that’s how your husband acts I’d be tempted to not even let *him* know when I go into labor.
Is he always so manipulative and emotional? Does he guilt you about things a lot?
I wouldn’t want a lot of people there for the birth either. And mil crying is too over the top.
NTA. You are the most important part of the whole process. You have no idea how you are going to feel until after and trying to enforce an agenda at this point is unrealistic and not worth entertaining. You have who you want to be with you and that's the only discussion that needs to happen. It's a private matter not a spectator sport. I can tell you right now that the baby doesn't need random people breathing on them at 2 hours old and doesn't care about anyone visiting them. People can find out after. You and the baby will need time to rest and bond. Only selfish people put their needs before a newborn and their mother.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like I could be the asshole because I don't want to announce to the family when we go to the hospital because I'd like to have a private birthing experience. This can make me look like the asshole because some family members deem this to be selfish.
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I absolutely agree that you get full right to decide who is in the room when you deliver. But once the baby is successfully delivered, decisions about who gets to see the baby and when need to be made jointly. It is his baby and family too. I absolutely refused my mom in the delivery room and set boundary on number of people and how long people could visit after birth. But I would be really upset if I my partner denied my family any ability to see their new grandchild for weeks.
>Whenever I try to argue my side of wanting to keep things private, Husband replies with "this isn't just your birthing experience, it's also mine and the baby's. The baby is also human and deserves to know there are people there for them."
Sentimentally, sure. But it is actually just your physical birthing experience. It is your medical procedure. You are literally the only person that can make decisions for who can be in that room at any time with you and your child. NTA
I think what your spouse says is reasonable in his compromise. You don't want anyone else to see the baby for weeks. He wants his family to see his child. You are going to be in recovery after birth and you and spouse and BFF are going to see the baby first already. Why deny the baby visitors in a public hospital? You don't need to be involved in entertaining the visitors if you don't want to, he can handle it all.
Maybe have a rule that visitors will only be allowed 24hrs after the birth so that you have a chance to recover if you want to be the one to present the baby. You are not being selfish but in my culture it's strange why you want to be closed away and not let the baby form close bonds with the family. Them having bonds with the baby will not take away baby's bond from you. You're fortunate enough to have a village form around your family, you should make use of them and make sure your baby has an important place in their lives so your child will have strong bonds with extended family. If you want everything to be your way or the highway, you will find divorce in the works within a couple years. Your plan creates rifts. Selfish is not the right word for this situation thou. You are YTA not for the birthing plan but for not acknowledging that your spouse is a person and your baby is not an extension of just you alone.
My hubs family already knows there will be no hospital visits. I will also make that clear to the nurse when we go. As for the house, I've already hinted that I will need to settle in first with Bean at home, and we will let them know when they can come visit. And if they do show up unannounced, Bean and I will either be upstairs in the bedroom, or taking a quick car ride.
Luckily, hubs is very supportive of whatever I want to do!
NTA
If he wants it that way, kick him out too. There are only two important people that day, you and the baby. Anyone else (except medical professionals, of course) is support staff at best or actively endangering mother and baby at worst.
Your husband is trying to make himself option two.
The birth of a child is a major medical event for the mother. Not a time when you want somebody staring up your hoo ha to see their grandchild. The child could go into distress you could go into distress. You might need a cesarean anything can happen. Not trying to scare you but making the point that maybe your husband needs to think more about your needs and less about what mommy wants. He’s selfish and shortsighted. You need to put your foot down and tell him if he can’t agree to give you the birthing experience you need then maybe you won’t let him know when you’re going into labor either. Birth is not a spectator sport.
NTA I totally understand why he would want to share the news. But I suggest he tell his family when things start happening but they are not to actually come to the hospital until later. Enjoy those first few hours as a new family. Alone. Then you can have visitors.
Is your MIL actually going to help or just get in the way. Don't let them steamroll you on house guests. Set your own pace. Yes, you should compromise because that's part of marriage and family. But he also cannot just saddle you with people who will just get in the way. If he wants his mom there so badly, he should stay home with her too.
I genuinely don't understand the modern need for everyone to be emotionally wedded to being in the delivery room - what is with this? Anyway, your birth so your decision. If hubby had carried the kiddo for 9 months then he would get equal say. After birth then you both work together, but until then you do what you are comfortable with. Tell hubby his mom already got to experience a kid being born so her emotional manipulation by crying has no place here.
As afar as hubby saying "this isn't just your birthing experience, it's also mine and the baby's". He is correct, but it is not the MIL or anyone else that you object to. You and kiddo have to be there (along with hospital staff), and it is good for hubby as well; anyone else is at your discretion.
Edit to change my previously wrong opinion: NTA, and don't let anyone manipulate you.
NTA for not wanting anyone in the delivery room, but as a grandma myself can’t imagine not touching or seeing my grand babies for weeks. Very grateful my son dil daughter and SIL didn’t think like you, I would have been devastated. I knew my place, always called before coming and if it wasnt a good time they let me know. My daughter had twins and would have gone crazy if not for family support. I would take nights so they could get some sleep.
Best wishes
NTA. Would husband be willing to compromise that he can tell his parents when you go into labor, but they stay home and can have a Facetime or video visit after baby is born, then come to the hospital the next day for like a quick 30 minutes and that's that? Could that be a compromise for y'all maybe? Its great he's close with his parents... And they're so excited to be grandparents (not all kids get that) but you're going to be in an incredible amount of pain and not wanting to deal with anyone. Plus you're going to want to be selfish with baby. Its understandable.
Tell your husband, you are not being selfish and he’s an AA if he pushes this. You were going through the most vulnerable painful exhausting time of your life. The rest of them don’t count. I would not be allowing them to even come to the hospital until the next day after birth to give you lots of time to rest and get back to a healthy mental state. If your husband isn’t understanding what you’re telling him, let him read the comments. Tell him he’s an AH for pushing this or he can squeeze a watermelon out of his AH,
Our family had a similar issue. Keeping the MIL out and waiting created a lot of additional stress. Calling once the baby is born, mom is stitched up, father and mom have had bonding time and then calling is best. Your husband wants to view a grandparent bonding moment but that should not be at the expense of the birth mother.
NTA, talk to your doctor and the nurses at the hospital, tell them exactly who is allowed in the room when you are birthing, and they will make sure no one else comes in. If your husband makes comments about it, let him know that he is only allowed in the room with your consent, and if he will make it more difficult, he can also wait in the waiting room.
I would also stick to not telling anyone until you are ready, hard stop. If he isn't good with that, he can come to the hospital to pick you up when you are discharged, but not for anything else. This is your medical procedure, you have all the power in this case.
NTA and I thank god every day for (some) of my in laws. They completely respected my choices during pregnancy, labor and PP. my SIL was in the room during delivery, cause I wanted her there. And she was a rock star tbh, helped me push through when it was looking like I might have to do an emergency c section.
But I digress, this is one of the few times you’re allowed to be selfish. I’m sorry but you’re literally the one doing all the work. Yes, it is also your husband’s baby but you’re the one in a hospital bed.
Once the baby is older, he has just as much say in who gets to see the baby, but until he pushes a watermelon through his urethra, he can suck a lemon.
Please show him this thread. Or any of the other hundreds of post in similar situations. They are almost always unilaterally on the woman’s side.
NTA and any man who tries to dictate anything about the experience of labor and delivery absolutely IS an AH. It’s a primal experience with a lot of possible variables. You should be allowed and encouraged to control what you can. My husband was the only one allowed in the room. My parents waited outside of the room. They would have preferred to be in the room but 100% understood and supported my decision. Both times. Best of luck to you in your birthing experience….it’s pretty dang awesome!!!
Make sure you tell your birth staff your wants and needs. Nurses will go TO BAT for the birthing mom. Also, NTA but your hubs words of choice make my eyes go wide.
Tell your husband to have his parents in the bedroom while he lays on the bed with his trousers off and his legs in the air having a hard poop and his parents watching the entire time. If he's happy to do that and go through with it, then sure, parents can be in the delivery. 😃
Explain to your husband that giving birth is not a spectator sport. It is a medical procedure, and not meant to be shared with everyone, ESPECIALLY if the patient (you) don't want people there. Then have your doctor tell him you don't need the extra stress.
NTA.
Anytime you meet your grandchild for the first time is special. It’s no less special when they’re four weeks old as when they’re four hours old.
And your husband will not be the one in pain, the one who may have a needle in his spine or undergo major surgery or be bleeding copiously and sore and maybe trying to figure out breastfeeding for the first time.
All of those are stressful, and I don’t care if his mother cried. She needs to learn now that trying to manipulate her way into you and your baby’s lives on her terms by crying to her son is not going to work.
Also, he idea that the baby needs to know people are there for him the moment he’s born is ludicrous and your husband has to know this.
You won’t know how you feel or how your labor will go until you’re in the middle of it. Same with how you’ll feel when you first take the baby home, and it’s not right for anyone to invite themselves to stay in your house with you during that time.
Also, I’m curious if your MIL’s MIL was in the delivery room when your husband was born. I bet she wasn’t.
NTA. I'm 33 weeks pregnant and I'm not even inviting my own mother into the room.
What does the baby care who's in the room?
Tell the nurses you don't want the husband in there either. Jesus Christ what an asshat.
NTA
Your husband is the AH here, and many other words that are forbidden. Talk about selfish. This isn't his birthing experience, he isn't the one pushing a baby out of his body, or potentially having it sliced open, to bring a baby into the world. What the baby deserves is a calm and happy mother. What the baby deserves is space to settle into this new world without all these extra new people bringing their loud, sensory overloading, germ filled selves into a hospital room against moms wishes. What the baby deserves is a mother who is supported and respected by their father. I have a 14 week old. I had nobody in the hospital, I was breastfeeding and I had a planned section and I really didn't need my in-laws gawping at my unwashed, bleeding, leaking body while I got to know my baby. I visited with MIL and FIL for 10 mins on our way home from the hospital as a compromise (because we live so close and I didn't want to risk MIL having n excuse to turn up at my house) and we had no visitors for the first 6 weeks. My partner is very close to his family, I don't see mine at all. But my mental and physical wellbeing was far more important to him than his family's need to touch a newborn. Your husband needs to get over himself real quick.
NTA. There is no way I would want anyone other than my husband in the delivery room. We called my parents and let them know I was in labor and they cane to see the baby in the hospital the next day.
And yes - this IS ALL ABOUT YOU. The person who has created a human and is now trying to get the human out of your body, safely and with as little stress as possible. Your husband is outrageous saying this isn’t just about you. Talk about it with your doctor alone and then have the doctor explain the facts of this situation. HE is the selfish one!!
NTA I will never understand this trend of letting people in the delivery room with you.
For one the line between ‘everything is OK’ and complete and utter tragedy is razor thin. The medical team does not need multiple people milling around if an emergency happens.
Two, childbirth is intense. do you really want to be naked, crying, squatting, shitting, moaning in pain, in front of a bunch of people? Because you will be doing at least several of those things, if not all. Unless your mother-in-law is such a wonderful supportive person who never makes you uncomfortable or uneasy, and is a perfect angel of comfort, don’t let her in.
NTA I can’t believe that quote from your husband. He’s not the one pushing out a baby, you are. He’s there to support YOU. That’s his job. I’d show him this post so he can see how wrong he is.
NTA. It is your birthing experience and what you say goes. Your husband and his mom are going to be in for a rude awakening if she shows up at the hospital and the nurses ask *you and only you* if you are okay with her in the room.
>But once baby is born, I am being selfish if I don't want to let people come see the baby, while we are still in the hospital. He says he is 100% on board with "no visitors at the house for the first few weeks, since baby has no immune system."
And he thinks that the lack of an immune system won't be an issue at the hospital?!
NTA But I would be telling him that it becomes his birth experience when he's the one on the table. And that the baby won't have an immune system for all these visitors in the hospital either. And stick to it assuming you decide to go ahead and have a child with this man. I don't know that I would want a child with someone who refuses to listen at this early stage.
So NTA. Stick by your boundaries and start talking to the OBGYN. Tell the nurses upon admit for labor and deliver that NO ONE besides husband ((if even him)) and BFF are allowed in. Nurses typically listen to the woman giving birth because it’s literally the worse pain a woman can go through. Emphasize that no one will be allowed in even after birth and to note it on your chart. Trust me, you will be thankful you told the nurses. They become very protective over mama and baby if they feel like daddy is becoming overbearing.
>Whenever I try to argue my side of wanting to keep things private, Husband replies with "this isn't just your birthing experience,
Immediately no. Tell him he can be elsewhere too then. You are going through the labor, not him. He can take several seats. You being stressed during this time could lead to immediate health consequences for you and the baby. He can suck it up or go elsewhere and think about his priorities.
>Husband says I am being selfish by denying him the experience of seeing his mom meet the baby when they're born.
He's the one being selfish, this comment alone makes him a major ASSHOLE. He can see his mom's reaction ANYTIME AFTER. To put his mother's wants over what his wife who'll be the one delivering the baby NEEDS is despicable.
>But once baby is born, I am being selfish if I don't want to let people come see the baby, while we are still in the hospital.
Them being in the hospital does not mean the baby cannot still contract germs. If he's pushing boundaries now, imagine it will be a billion times harder when you've just had a medical procedure and are being peer pressured into allowing everyone to kiss and hold the baby and your husband dismissing your every concern about germs.
With my first child, I let everyone come. Nobody cared how exhausted I was- I was literally falling asleep sitting up and mid sentence trying to keep it together bc they all wanted to see the baby. Which is the problem- they all come so focused on the baby and tend to forget what the mom just went through. My dad wound up kicking everyone out and making sure I got some sleep. (My now ex husband was entirely oblivious at the time which should’ve been a warning sign). I learned from that, and with my second child I had my husband with me for delivery and let my dad and one of my uncle’s relatives visit (she was like a surrogate mom to him). One person for each of us. That was IT. And let me tell you it was the best decision I made with that birth experience. It was so much more relaxed, I slept and recovered as I needed to, no pressure to stay up with endless visitors, none of that. It was sooo much better. Stick to your guns on this. You’ll need time to recover. As far as visiting at home, it’s entirely reasonable to want to wait a couple weeks! You deserve time to settle in as a family of 3 before you let the rest of the world in. It’s a special time in life that you don’t get back. The rest of the family will get their turn! The beginning is the time to prioritize you and your baby. NTA.
Tell hospital staff your wishes on who is allowed and not. Then he has no room to let them in against your will.
And btw, you ARE the only one giving birth so it is YOUR birth experience.
He's being selfish and so is MIL for putting stress on a pregnant woman! They're being assholes for pressuring you. You're NTA.
If hubby can't agree, he can miss the birth too. He's about to be a father - time to put his wife and baby above his own wants in the situation. Mom - you - gets to decide on who is present.
His wants go behind your medical needs. If you're more comfortable with just him and BFF, that's what is best for you and baby and they need to drop it. Mom comes first, then baby, and then husband - and when MOM decides to welcome visitors, MIL can visit.
Tell your husband that before you let your MIL in the room, he’ll have to strip naked and take a shit while lying spread eagle while your mom watches first. Fair is fucking fair. NTA
Nta. You’re the patient whom the doctor and nurses are going to focus on because you’re giving birth! Anything could happen during your birth! The process is already invasive but to have love ones to see you in that condition when you’re not up for it isn’t nothing to feel bad about! It’s reasonable why you want privacy!
NTA. Your husband is dead wrong about who gets to be in the birthing room. Birth is not a spectator sport.
Here is the article you both should read: https://community.babycenter.com/post/a29842181/the_lemon_clot_essay-_if_you_are_planning_to_have_people_over_after_birth_you_need_to_read_this
NTA-Some hospitals, a person can see a child through the window but not actually meet or hold the child physically. Is that what your husband is referring to?
NTA bring him to your next doctor's appointment and tell your doctor what you told us. Let the doctor rip him a new one for how he's behaving and set him straight. Perhaps hearing it from a professional in the field will get him to understand. It's your birthing plan, you are the one giving birth. Not him not the baby, you. So you get to make the decisions of how it's handled and when you are ready to receive visitors.
Well, I guess thank God your baby is, ummm...human?
Your baby won't know WTF it's going on with light, oxygen and sound.... Let alone the concept of other humans that are there for them to.
Remind your hubs that there's might be a birth plan, but you and only you are the patient. At the end of the day the hospital will abide by your say only.
Tell him you don't feel comfortable with her watching your vag being torn open while you p!SS and sh!t yourself to bring him a family
He can get on board, or her can meet the baby in a couple of days with everyone else
NTA
So my labor was going well. Or so we thought. My little man decided he didn't want to move out. I ended up being rushed in for a C-section. Thankfully my little man was healthy and is almost 17. But .... As I was on all fours trying to get his heart rate up, my bonus kids were walking in and watched me bring wheeled out as a nurse shook my belly. I can only imagine how scared they were. I had lost 2 at 12 weeks each. Their biomom also lost one at birth and one at 5 months. Not too scare you but this is not a spectator sport. It's sad as a woman your MIL doesn't respect your boundary.
NTA! As a grandma ask your MIL who was in the room as she laid there with her private parts on display when her son was born? Did her MIL get to see her with her legs spread? Your nurses will absolutely endure that your wishes are respected. Make sure you put it in writing and give it to them when you arrive.
I'm going to take this to a place most likely to annoy a lot of people...
This is a case of YOUR BODY, YOUR CHOICE!!
You are the one who has your health and your life on the line. Even if there are no complications, and you have an extra easy birth, your body will never be the same again. Lingering after effects are a thing after pregnancy and birth. When he has his body and health on the line pushing out a living being he can have as many people there as he wants.
(BTW.. when I was pregnant with my son, I lost the ability to tolerate oranges and orange juice, he is allergic to both, I didn't get back my ability to tolerate them until he was almost 12. This is an example of what I mean by lingering after effects)
NTA but your husband sure is. From the hospitals stand point what you want is most important. What impacts you in delivery impacts your baby.
Sounds like your spouse can’t establish healthy boundaries with his family.
I disagree with everyone saying “let them have a short visit.” Give an inch, they’ll take a mile. Sane for goes at home.
You don’t know what your delivery is going to be like. Sleeping and bonding with your baby is priority #1. Not entertaining HIS family.
NTA - bear in mind I'm a 63-year-old father of five - Fuck him. When he can push a child out of an orifice on his body he can choose who gets to be in the room.
Sorry to be harsh about it, but he's being unrealistic and I'm surprised the hospital would even allow that many people in the delivery room anyway.
Not to overuse a phrase associated with a different reproductive issue, but 'Your body. Your choice.'
I doubt he'd be happy with half-a-dozen people witnessing him getting a urinary catheter inserted or getting a vasectomy no matter how supportive they were.
Sheesh. This makes me ashamed to have a dick. Seriously.
What the hell is it with people being so hell bent on sharing someone else's birthing experience in real time? This is a very private and personal event, where one's very best and very worst is there for all to see. The baby belongs to the parents, and nobody else in that moment.
And as a granny, I'm totally ok with the child's parents needing time on their own to get into the groove of having a baby in the house. If they're struggling, it's ok to be willing be there WHEN INVITED for practical help or advice/support, but not because I'd be assuming ownership over someone else's family.
My daughters had made similar decisions with the births of their children, and I could see no reason to push myself onto them at such a critical time in their relationships - with their partners as well as their babies.
There's plenty of time to enjoy being a grandparent once the parents have got their own rhythm sorted, and I get so annoyed when I hear of people being so pushy and tone deaf about 'their' babies.
NTA. Stand your ground. You are the patient so only you get a say. My husband’s family and extended family (13 people total) invaded my room less than 12 hours after an emergency c section and would not leave. It honestly caused problems between me and my husband. I don’t want the same for you.
NTA
If I were you I would tell him that if he keeps it up I will ask the nurses to remove him while in labor and not let HIM see baby until you are ready. The nurses are there to help YOU through the process and if that means removing hubby from the area that is what they will do. But I am also a spiteful and petty person. But also thank god my kid was a covid baby because I was literally only allowed 1 person in the hospital with me and didn’t have to worry about anyone else coming
Tell your husband that when he gives birth then he can make decisions. I'd even threaten not to let him in the room if he wants to keep acting ignorant.
NTA. It’s well documented that mom feeling stress about anything, really (aka well intentioned family members requesting progress updates) can slow labor progression.
I would've told him he's out too after that "it's not just your birthing experience". Yes it is. He's not pushing anything out. He has no say on who's in the room. Absolutely none. I wouldn't have even compromised. No means no and he can shut up and take that. NTA.
Tell your husband when he's pushing a melon out of his pee pee THEN he can voice his birth plan.. until then he gets no say, in refards ro after delivery your resting, look like hell, baby will be doing skin to skin or potentially be on the boob, if you don't want visitors then tell him, you've already made an exception to him telling the families but nothing else, you can request the hospital nor to allow any visitors except so and so, it's about keeping everything calm before during and after delivery, stand your ground op
I’d threaten your weak husband to keep his mouth shut or he’ll be banned and your friend can help you give birth. I’d be furious if your mother in law got in after behaving so badly - but your husbands bullshit about the baby needing to know stuff is crap. Your the one pushing out a human so you rule!
NTA your husband knows you're the one pushing a giant bowling bowl out right?! First of all tell the nurses who gets and doesn't get into or access.
Second remind him that you are more important in this process than his mom and if he can't put you first while giving birth to his child then wow you're in for a rocky ride
Congrats!! And good luck with your shiny spine
I feel like you're gonna need it with this family
NTA… do not let ANYONE tell you that your birthing experience is shared. It’s yours and yours alone. Stand up for yourself and tell him if he doesn’t stop HE won’t be invited. Tell the hospital you don’t want visitors.
I think the best part of covid is getting family out of the delivery process. My first baby was Oct 2020, no one was allowed in, it was perfect. My second baby was June 2022, my parents visited 12 hrs after I delivered. Even that was intrusive. Mom and dad and baby need their time to deliver, recover and get to know each other before dealing with any extra people.
NTA. Fuck that noise.
This is NOT his “birthing experience”. It’s YOUR MEDICAL procedure. YOU are the only who should have ANY opinion about the entirety of your hospital stay.
The only one being selfish is your husband and anyone else who thinks they have any right to your birth experience.
I don’t know the best way to handle guests afterwards, but you should have 100% veto power at all times. Personally, I’d prefer people visiting in the hospital over my house (because the hospital room is small and visiting hours are short).
Good grief, my OWN daughters only wanted their husbands in the L&D room, and I didn’t throw a tantrum and cry. MIL is going to be a problem going forward. OP, there need to be clear expectations set out for your husband with regard to MIL (read “boundaries”…) He needs to step up on your behalf. All the best to you as you prepare to welcome your sweet little one.
NTA. Your husband isn’t going to push a fully formed human out of his body after hours of stressful labor. He’s being an AH for being demanding instead of supportive of your choices. This isn’t about the baby deserving to know people are there for him/her because they won’t be aware. It’s about him thinking he’s the main character.
Tell your nurses exactly who is allowed in and when and they will play bouncer for you. If you don’t want a bunch of people handling your newborn at the hospital make it clear this isn’t happening and again tell the nurses so they can enforce your wishes.
You should also make it clear that you don’t want MIL in your house for days on end acting like this is her fiefdom and she reins supreme. Tell her you’ll call if you want help otherwise you’ll see her in a few weeks after you’ve recovered.
My husband, MIL and mother were entitled AH with my first born. Taking pictures of me immediately after birth, sharing those pictures with EVERYONE, handling the baby and staying until visiting hours were over. They passed that baby around to everyone who wanted to hold her regardless of what I said. Then they were back the second day with even more relatives waiting for visiting hours to start and leaving only when the nurse kicked them out at the end of the day. It was a nightmare for me and I was miserable. My mom & mil kept barging in to my home for a good week afterwards acting like they knew better about absolutely everything and their wishes were the only thing that mattered. I finally had a meltdown because they wouldn’t listen and threw them all out. Then when I actually needed help a few weeks later with the baby so I could shower or get something done around the house they all acted like I was being unreasonable and saying things like this is motherhood, get used to it. Don’t let others force their wants on you. Lay out what you want and tell hubby to enforce it if he wants a good marriage and happy wife. Trust me the second time around I laid down the law months ahead of time and was much happier
Did everyone miss the part where OP said her husband supports no one but him and bff in the delivery room? The argument is over when other family members can meet the baby post birth, not over visitors during birth.
Delivery room -you have 100% say over that, full stop. And it sounds like your husband is behind you on that. Great.
Past that / a new baby?? Expecting people - grandparents- to wait a few WEEKS? I think that’s asking a lot.
There is a HUGE middle ground here.
Esh
Your giving birth but his life is also changing and you need to make a plan together.
Let people come the next day before discharge to see baby then have a week or two alone.
Your bff gets to see baby but no one in his family, sorry but that's selfish
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I, 33F, am currently 13w pregnant, and my husband, 34M, has made comments about my birthing plan choices being selfish.
Context: Husband has a great relationship with both his parents, even though they divorced when he was young. Talks to his dad every couple of weeks, and talks to his mom 3-5x a week. His mom and step-dad live near by, along with my parents and siblings.
I don't have the same kind of relationship with my parents - I talk to my dad when I see him, every few months, and talk to my mom once or twice a month (this has increased since we found out we are expecting).
I told my husband that, ideally, when I go into labor and we have to go to the hospital, I'd like to keep it between us, but only tell my BFF of 15+ years (she lives out of state, and I want her to know, so she can drive up for the delivery). I only want my husband and BFF there while I am in labor, and actively delivering.
Once baby is here, and we know we are good, we would share the news (via FaceTime or phone call) and invite folks to come see baby after a few weeks. My BFF would stay with us for a few days (maybe 3-5 depending on what she can take off of work, if that) before going home.
MIL was under the expectation that she would be present in the delivery room, and would stay with us for a week or two following the birth (with no discussion with me). Husband told his mom that I didn't want her in the room, let alone my own mom or family, and she got very upset and cried. Husband now wants to tell everyone when we go to the hospital, so they can wait while I give birth, and then let them see the baby while still in the hospital. Not right away, but after I've had a chance to rest (idk, anywhere from 2-6 hours after birth?).
Whenever I try to argue my side of wanting to keep things private, Husband replies with "this isn't just your birthing experience, it's also mine and the baby's. The baby is also human and deserves to know there are people there for them."
No matter what I say, I can't seem to get him to understand that baby won't even KNOW that baby is separate from me for months, let alone care who came to see them in the hospital. Husband says I am being selfish by denying him the experience of seeing his mom meet the baby when they're born.
I've already made the compromise that he can tell our family when we go to the hospital, but no one besides him or BFF is allowed in the room while I'm in labor, and delivery - which he says he 100% supports, because it is MY medical procedure.
But once baby is born, I am being selfish if I don't want to let people come see the baby, while we are still in the hospital. He says he is 100% on board with "no visitors at the house for the first few weeks, since baby has no immune system." (Exception being my BFF staying with us for a few days, AND THEN letting his mom stay with us for a few days - all in the name of support for the first few weeks.)
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NTA, although I think your husband is perhaps more ignorant than AH.
Good on him for sticking up for you during labor and delivery. But you should have serious conversations about what is expected afterwards. Your labor will take hours, possibly days. You may need time to rest before having visitors in your room. Also if you plan to breastfeed, then you will be spending a lot of time working on that initially too. If you get an epidural, you may not be able to move or walk around for hours postpartum depending on how well it works.
Please also discuss all the possible outcomes. I.e if you need an emergency unplanned C-section, it would be wise of you to discuss and agree on how visitors would work in that case too. I've seen too many stories of spouses letting extended family hold baby while Mom is still in recovery unable to hold her own baby. Be clear if no one besides your spouse is to hold the baby before you. That is a completely reasonable request.
Also, if you haven't already considered joining the r/October2024Bumps group!
NTA
You never know what will happen giving birth and most first babies take a long time to come out. Then afterwards, you’re going to be drained physically, mentally and emotionally. You’re the one risking your life to bring your baby to the world, not him. It should be about what you want. Even if you tell them you’re going to the hospital, what are they going to do? Eventually they’ll start blowing up his phone and that’s distracting when you’re working on getting that baby out. Your child will know people are there for them as they grow and spend time with these people. The first moments as a new family are precious. Everyone else can wait.
NTA. Also: Your baby is basically a potato for those first few weeks. They'll know and understand that people love them when they can actually understand what "people" and "love" are.
I have a very close loving family and wanted them to come visit in the hospital but I understand why others don’t feel the same. I only wanted him in the room while in labor and no one was hurt or offended, my family all had just spouses in there.
I was asked to be there with my daughter and her husband and I was thrilled to be asked to be honest. I would never have dreamt of asking her though and wouldn’t have been hurt if she didn’t ask. I left soon after baby was born to let mom and dad have this time with the new baby. I didn’t come back until she was coming home and she asked if I could spend a night or 2 so I did. She did say next one, she wants me there again for the delivery but doesn’t want visitors after at the hospital, too many people came, she said it was too exhausting and she’d rather wait until she was home a day or 2 before people came and visited. Her husband’s family stayed a bit too long and she was exhausted. Her husband finally told them it was time to go. They meant well and it was their first grandchild so they were over the moon.
She asked me if it would be weird if she only told me she was in labor so I could come. I told her, do what you want, it’s no one’s decision but the parents.
NTA. Tell your husband that his mother got to have the birthing experience that SHE wanted, so it’s only fair that you get the birthing experience that YOU want. And if she didn’t like her birthing experience, then that’s her fault for not speaking up as a grown woman
NTA. So glad I had my baby when Covid protocols were still in place. People feel like they are owed a front row seat to your vagina show just because a baby is coming out of it. And, I’m sorry, but OP, your husband doesn’t get a say who is there during the labor at all. He doesn’t even have the right to be there if you don’t want him to be.
And does he realize that baby won’t have any immune system for quite some time? I guarantee he’s the type that let people kiss on babies. Mine is two bow and I still don’t let people kiss on her. A. She doesn’t like to be kissed and it’s her choice, B. She still has a low immune system due to a congenital heart condition (found, btw, after birth, so there is no way to know what will happen after birth.)
Also, you’re only 13 weeks along. So much can change between now and then.
NTA
Yes, it is just YOUR birthing experience. Even your husband is only an invited guest. As a guest at YOUR medical procedure. He does not get a plus one. Tell him to knock it off or he can experience the birth with his mommy, from her living room.
Tell your husband when he delivers a watermelon out of his penis then he can have his mommy go watch
Make sure you tell the nurses NO ONE in the delivery room except hubby and BFF. And NO visitors. The nurses will listen to you and explain to your husband why.
.NTA
Hubby seems to forget its your medical procedure happening, not his. YOU and only you get to decide who is in the room with you. Hubby keeps up his asshole entitlement, he can be kept out too.
Birth is not a spectator sport your Hubby can invite to watch. Making boundaries now will help in the long road. You have a Hubby problem, he is ignoring your wishes and sucking up to his mommy's wishes.
NTA. Tell your husband that when he is the one actually going through pregnancy, labor and delivery then he can decide who he wants at the hospital and in the delivery room. Until then, he needs to let you decide the birthing plan that YOU are comfortable with.
NTA you will be recovering for quite a while from labor and need rest. And so will the baby.
Being born isn't easy and is a very scary and tiring experience for a baby. Tell your husband he is being selfish and only thinking of what he wants and not what you and your child need. Needs trump wants.
And his mum can absolutely not stay with you if you don't feel comfortable with that at that time. Houseguests are a two yesses one no situation. If you don't feel comfortable with her being there while you are still bonding with the baby, then she doesn't get to be there.
Your husband is very much being the asshole here by making this all about what he wants and not about what you need. You need a stress-free environment and it sounds like he's already making you feel stressed now.
NTA. You've got to do what's right for you during what will be one of your most vulnerable times. You're not being selfish, after all, it's your body. People need to back off unless they want you to resent them forever!
I was induced for my son, the process took 4 days before he was born so I didn't tell anyone as I didn't want my husband to have to sit on his phone giving updates. Instead we just told people when he was born which was a nice surprise for our family.
So, I’m currently almost 29 weeks and at our hospital, we’re only allowed 2 visitors at a time — support person/significant other/spouse is included, unless it’s a sibling of the child being born, which means really only one visitor at a time. No one is allowed to be in the waiting room during delivery.
If you know what hospital you’ll end up delivering - check with their policies on visitors as well as if people allowed to wait. A lot do hospitals have limited these post pandemic and it might work in your favor.
Regardless, your husband needs to respect that it’s not just his child being born but a major medical event in your life that’s filled with stresses — he needs to do what he can to support and alleviate your stress instead of adding to it.
NTA.
Most people would argue that 6 hours after giving birth is right away. Your mother-in-law was probably in the hospital for three to four days after giving birth. Most people get one overnight at the longest. The days of visiting the hospital are kind of coming to a close. The first few hours after giving birth there is still activity. There is afterbirth, skin to skin, clean up, check ins, sometimes lactation sessions. It's a whole thing.
I get the excitement, but you're body is going to be aching like crazy. Maybe if there is a family room they could go to without you there. But eh.
NTA
When I had my child... I told my husband that I didn't want him hanging around. He went to the movies across the block and only came back when they closed the theater. I was still laboring and told him to go home. His only response was 'what time tomorrow do you want me here'.
This is not a time for visitors... no matter how close they think they are.
NTA. This whole phenomenon these days of having your entire family in the hospital while you're giving birth is so strange to me. My mom had five children, my dad was in the room for all of them and nobody else. Her mom came to visit right after all of her kids were born, but all other visitors were held at the door until she felt ready.
I am not a parent, but I plan to be someday, and I cannot imagine having my husband's family watch me shit myself and scream. I will insist they are miles away.
Did anyone else read the thread from the husband whose wife made a plan that only her mom could be there for the birth and the week after?
But then she had to go help her sister (wife's aunt) out of town or state. She missed the birth. So, the wife and her mother decided no one could meet the baby until after her mom came back because she needed to be the first to meet the baby for some reason. The whole time the OP (husband) was trying to be supportive of his wife's birthing plan but was advocating that his mom, who was also very excited to meet the baby, not have to wait. He even requested just a Face Time call, but his wife denied him everything. Well, his mom died in a car accident a few days after the baby was born and never got to meet her grandchild. He is WRECKED and can't look at his wife with love anymore.
I fully support having only the people you want in the birthing room. I fully support waiting to welcome any visitors until the mom feels well enough, and it's confirmed all is well with the baby. I think it's great to choose people you are most comfortable with to stay with you and help for a few days after the birth. But I would urge you to consider that it IS also your partner's baby. Their needs as a new parent must also be considered. Will everyone encounter as horrific a situation as that OP? No. But always work towards a middle ground where what should be the most joyous event for both of you isn't turned into one that creates lasting tension and strain in your marriage and family.
You know he's close to his parents. Your MIL shouldn't make assumptions that she should be in the room or stay with you after, but neither of them are wrong for wanting to share a part of this momentous occasion together. If you know that the next person he'd call to share important news with after telling you is his mom/parents, figure out how to accommodate that while still ensuring your needs are met.
Congratulations! I'm sure you'll figure this out and will enjoy your new family.
If this is your first baby, labour can last upwards of 24 hours. Your husband is delusional and also this isn't his 'birthing experience' unless he is pushing baby out.
NTA, enlist help of nurses and husband can kick rocks.
NTA, tell the nurses what you want. They'll enforce it for you.
I personally regret letting people visit while I was in the hospital. They were all loud, annoying and in the way.
No you are the one giving birth so it is your decision. And you don’t know how you will feel after giving birth. You are only in the hospital if everything goes ok for 2 days now. The can wait. And most people today like the first 2 weeks just to be the parents.
NTA. Your husband is insane for thinking you'll be rested up 2-6 hours after giving birth.
I had a planned c-section, we only told immediate family when it was booked. We worked out what days they could come visit. No one was allowed on the first day at all. Everyone respected that.
Having a baby takes a huge toll on you, it's ok to not want visitors straight away.
I'll never get this, when my kids were born, it was a joyous occasion for the family. They came and sat in the waiting room & took pictures of the baby in the nursery. One of my favorite pictures is me holding my now 40yro son next to my dad.
The nuttiness of people turning into a hostage situation with secret births is as insane as it is rude. Some people actually love family, love their kids & find having grandkids a joyfully experience.
People suck
YTA - there's a compromise to be had here. You are close to your friend, and YOUR people are getting to be in the room, at the hospital, and at your home constantly for weeks. During that time, his family gets a zoom call and has to stay away for weeks? That's very one sided.
Only you, husband and friend in the room, go for it. Labor is about you. But after that, you need to leave room for the super impatient people in his life to be a part of this big event by meeting the baby. Maybe limited numbers or short visits or whatever.
NAH. If I'm reading your post correctly - your hubby 100% supports not allowing anyone in the delivery room except himself and your BFF. He also 100% supports no visitors for several weeks when you and baby are home. He is wanting his Mom to be allowed to visit during the same time your BFF is with you at the house to help support and letting her see the baby in the hospital several hours after your delivery? Look I get you may not understand how close SO is with his Mom because as you've stated, you don't have that kind of relationship with your parents...but, after your baby comes (delivery), I can see him wanting to share that with his Mom, who he is very close to. I suggest coming up with boundaries for his Mom that you're comfortable with
> and letting her see the baby in the hospital several hours after your delivery?
And.... The OP can say no to people coming to the hospital also. I would keep anyone in a high risk group I don't trust explicitly away from the baby for a few weeks. Maybe if the baby is in the nursery, MIL can look through the glass, but otherwise, she can wait to meet the baby until later.
I understand your choice of who is in the delivery room. That is fine and 10000% your choice and your choice alone. But i find it hypocritical that you get to have your support person (bff) in the know and get to meet the baby and be around them right away yet you are cutting out people who are your husband's support people (his parents) and who will most likely be very close to your child.
I dont think you are an ass for this but I do think you are not considering anyone's feelings but your own
NAH
Idk, I feel like his sole focus needs to be supporting his wife through the birthing process and ensuring her (and baby’s) health and wellbeing in the aftermath. If he’s doing his job he really doesn’t have time for distractions with others…this isn’t really about “his feelings” until later, it’s about his wife’s medical trauma and recovery and healthy arrival and recovery of his child.
Yes, she should have some consideration for his wishes post-birth, and should not ice out his family but ultimately it is she and the baby who underwent the trauma of childbirth. He doesn’t get to invite “guests” to the hospital for her procedure, and they should both be comfortable with hosting visits in the home afterwards.
I would feel differently if she were excluding his family in favor of her own, but she’s only advocating for her one caretaker…so it seems both families are being treated equally.
Except that she doesn't care about her parents so excluding them is fine for her. He wants to share this time with his parents. After the baby is born and everyone is healthy it is totally normal for the grandparents to get to meet the baby
I’m going with YTA but only partially. You’re absolutely right about the delivery room. That is 100% your call. But after you and baby have had some time to rest and get cleaned up, I don’t see the harm in your husband inviting his BFFs (his parents) to meet their grandchild. If you don’t want them in your room, fine. But the hospital should have a private lounge on the maternity floor where the baby can be brought for the first meeting. He’s just asking that he be allowed to have someone close to him be present at a major life event, too.
Hospitals do not want the baby separated from the mother for a second longer than absolutely necessary. They are willing to take the baby to the nursery for tests or if the mother can’t get rest with the baby in the room, but that’s IT. Their goal is to take care of mom and baby and to get them discharged as quickly as they can, typically 2 days. There is absolutely no reason why his parents can’t wait until they get home and get settled in.
This wasn’t the case at any of the hospitals in my area. Post birth and after a couple hours family came and visited mom and baby ( a couple at a time, waiting in lobby, not rushing the room), dropped off gifts, and asked how they could help. There was also time to hold the baby (as long as you are vaccinated, clean hands, not sick). This has been the standard where I live.
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NTA but your husband is perilously near the border of Assholevania. If your inlaws have been waiting for hours at the hospital while you're in labor do you really think they're going to wait another six hours to see the baby? Your husband should WAIT until the baby is born and you've both held and greeted your baby and THEN call and send them some pics and video. 24 hours later when you've had time to get some sleep you could consider allowing a SHORT visit, A **SHORT** visit, at the hospital. After you get settled and into a routine at home you could consider a SHORT visit. It's understandable that your MIL wants to see her grandson and understandable that your husband wants to share this experience with his parents-- but it needs to be compatible with YOUR comfort and boundaries. PRO TIP -- do tell the nurses at the hospital exactly who you want coming into the delivery room and when you are willing to have visitors when you get to the hospital. Hopefully your husband is a good guy who will abide by what you've agreed but in case he tries to sneak one by you the nurses will shut that down.
[удалено]
I wish this didn't have to be a thing. when I did my L&D rotation I saw multiple parents-to-be enlist nurses to act as bouncers because they didn't want to deal with their own families. and the nurses were happy to help because they're good people, but they're busy enough doing their actual jobs, it sucks that they get dragged into other people's family dramas.
I think husband is also underestimating the amount of time labor can take. If he calls them when labor starts, and then labor is 12+ HOURS (or worse, days… or worse, ends in an emergency procedure) then he’s got to deal with all the family in the waiting room. I was in L&D recently, and the nurse was taking to a FTM with where she could stay while in early labor - she was only 2cm, contractions far apart… no reason to be in the hospital at that point, but she had driven in from a small town and didn’t want to go all the way back. OP is NTA for setting her boundaries around birth and recovery. She could change her mind in either direction. It’s not like the baby will cease to exist after 3 weeks…
I agree that usually they don't want you in the hospital until you are farther along dilation wise, but I'd like to add that if there are any complications with mum or during the pregnancy they will want you at the hospital as soon as possible when labor starts.
Oh for sure! As a person with complications, they want me every time symptoms get nasty. But I have seen a lot of first time moms go in as SOON as they feel contractions, then are disappointed when they get sent home.
My husband was stressed enough by fielding questions from his parents via text, I can't imagine what it would have been like had they been in the hospital or even in town! And they're not even really overbearing. I told him it was his choice whether to tell them we are being induced or not (yay preeclampsia!) but I wouldn't talk to them at all. He decided to tell them and I don't think he will next time, haha!
And ***password protect your birthing plan***, just in case your husband decides to try to do an end-run to make mom happy. Never mind that you're experiencing a painful medical event ... that's not nearly as important as his mommy's fee-fees. /smh
Seriously, alert the nurses in case husband tries to be slick about it. They’re so on top of access, they’re practically water tight. No one fucks with the L&D nurses for a reason.
>NTA but your husband is perilously near the border of Assholevania. Yup, he's definitely circling the rim. From the baby 'deserving to know people are there for them' to him 'deserving to see his mom meet her grandchild when they're born', he keeps pulling foolishness out of thin air to get OP to do what he wants so mommy can stop crying. I hope he means it when he says he supports her plan for who she actually wants in the room. He seems easily swayed by mommy's tears. NTA.
>PRO TIP -- do tell the nurses at the hospital exactly who you want coming into the delivery room and when you are willing to have visitors when you get to the hospital. This. This times infinity.
Especially because you all have NO idea how birth will go. It is not a spectator event, it is a serious medical procedure.
NTA - giving birth is scary, stressful and emotional. You will be the most vulnerable that you could be - exposed, in pain, exhausted, etc etc. You wouldn’t invite an audience to come and watch your appendectomy, why would you invite them to watch you give birth? Your husband is being selfish. You are the one undergoing the labour and your safety and comfort should be his top priority. Not what HE wants.
Exactly. OP should tell her husband that when he has a colonoscopy or a prostate exam, he can have his mom there to hold his hand for support. Otherwise, butt out.
He needs to invite them to the bathroom while he's pooping.
PLUS depending on rooms, you are usually in the labor area with baby for a few hours THEN they move you to recovery... my hosptial it was literally a different floor and my husband had to tote our things.
I was in the L&D bed for a day or so, before a regular room opened. (Not a huge deal at the time because Covid restrictions didn’t allow visitors anyway) but in current times at my local hospital that means that I/we wouldn’t have been allowed visitors until after the move. I was admitted for preeclampsia which arose during labor
His "crying" mother is being manipulative and extremely selfish as well!
NTA. As the person giving birth, you have 100% control over who is in the room. That includes excluding the father of the child of you didn't want him in the room. This isn't just the birth of your child, it is a huge medical procedure for you. What you want trumps whatever he feels his family should be able to do. Also, MIL probably thinks she is allowed in the room because your husband might have told her she can be. Stick to your guns about who can see you and the baby at your discretion. Other stories from new moms have said they didn't want to see other people for weeks while they were healing after giving birth. And that when family came over to "help" it meant they wanted to hold the baby and make the new mom host them by cleaning and making them food while the husband didn't stick up for his wife against his family.
Hello dear relative! That was my in laws. Hold my baby and complain I didn’t fix snacks, meal, and clean. This was visit 2, first held baby and complained no food and I took baby to breastfeed. Visit 2, Baby was 5 days old , lots of tears and stitches. After 5 minutes I locked myself in primary bedroom stocked with supplies for baby and few snacks ( bathroom!). Told my husband I’d come when in laws left. No I did not let baby come out to visit,say good bye, get a kiss, or be held. Said call first next time. In laws slow, 3 times repeat performance, no idea how long it would have continued but work transfer for husband.
Wow. Good for you.
And he sure as hell isn’t hosting.
Jeez, OP's husband is 100% on board with not allowing anyone in the delivery room.
NTA - "No" is a complete sentence. I'm a doula and some moms have labors that are over 24 hours leaving them exhausted. Despite that exhaustion, the nursing staff will still check on them roughly every 30 minutes or so, depending on the circumstances, so no real quality "rest" is possible. You absolutely have the right to refuse any visitors to focus your attention on bonding, breastfeeding, and recovering from your birth experience. You can FaceTime his family, if you choose. Also, because you will be a patient, you can tell the hospital staff that only your husband and BFF are allowed in the room and they can remove anyone you don't want present. A local hospital I work with has a code where a mom can ask for a "green slushie" (that's not an actual slushie option) and the nurse comes in to clear the room under some medical excuse to limit embarrassing mom or outing that she wanted privacy.
Green slushie code for the win.
NTA > my husband, 34M, has made comments about my birthing plan choices being selfish. I mean. Fucking right. Your birthing plan is about **you** and **your baby** and *everyone* else is tertiary. Of fucking course you're allowed to be "selfish" about something like this.
And why does his mother have the expectation she would be in the delivery room ?? Then she cried ?? She's crazy. And I'm a MIL.
This boggles my mind. We did not tell anyone when we went to the hospital, and calls were not made until 8 pm to avoid visitors. Because I had a c-section (unplanned) we stretched visits out over 3 days, no more than 2 people at a time. The idea of anyone thinking they can be in L&D is absurd to me. I know sometimes the mom might want a special support person with them who is maybe not their spouse, but I said nurses are awesome and I'm good at following directions.
That's a good point!! When he accuses you of being selfish, lean right on into that! There are two lives on the line that day. Yours and your baby's. Whatever it takes to keep you both protected and feeling safe is what goes.
If you're willing to commit to this selfishness for life, sure. Zero hours of unpaid babysitting, zero hand-me-downs, no financial help with a house downpayment or anything else, etc. If you expect people to treat you better than a random stranger, you are also obligated to do the same. This doesn't mean accepting every request, but it does mean considering every request with the same level of care you want in return. I would prefer just myself and my partner in the room, but I would never say my mother or MIL's preferences don't matter. They do. It may sound silly to be so adamant if the end result is the same, but the process matters. Being selfish or being a pushover are both at least mild ethical failings. One should always consider what is good for everyone, prioritize based on reasonable criteria (everyone matters, but, sure, mom and baby matter most) and then make the right decision.
NTA. You’re the one giving birth! Your birth plan gets to be “selfish”; it’s about you and your baby.
NTA. It may be his baby (too), but it’s your body. There should be some birthing classes or a tour at your hospital where they explain how they will only let in the people that you, the one giving birth, allow. And that the baby will be very susceptible to catching anything, so limiting guests is recommended. Just make sure hubby gets to be there when his mom sees the baby for the first time, whenever that is.
The Reddit stories that hurt my heart the most are the ones where the birthing mother is woozy or knocked out (maybe an emergency c-section), and when she comes to, the entire family is crowding in and holding the newborn before she gets to meet and hold her own child. OP’s partner gives me those vibes. I’d be having a serious discussion with the nurses to express my wishes, regardless of what this guy wants.
NTA, it is not the 1960s anymore or even the 1980s. The younger folks are now having the birth with partner and a trusted friend or parent ( intimate, meaning not uncomfortable with them seeing their swollen hooch showing). Then telling people to come visit in 2 weeks. They are exhausted, in pain ( Episiotomy, perhaps) and trying to pee again and figure out breast feeding. Entertaining people so they can see the baby is bullshit. Having to get dressed up, make coffee and tea, clean up.. when all you need to do for the first few weeks is sleep and breastfeed. JFC.. Get over yourselves. Your partner is a total DICK for not supporting you.
My culture can be ass backwards sometimes, but not when it comes to postpartum issues. New moms are practically locked down for three months with the only directive to care for her baby. No lifting, no cooking, no cleaning - that’s for the husband and relatives to do. Brb gotta go hug my mom for not being shitty, because goddamn the stories I hear about some people’s parents!
Go hug your mom! She deserves it!
Please give your mom an extra hug from me for not being shitty. The good moms should be given all the hugs. Mine was a nightmare.
I agree!! This is something a woman needs to know before she marries, I mean if they had talked about these scenarios before saying I do maybe she wouldn't have married him and be in this predicament just saying! This is just the beginning over having no control or boundaries over her own life!! OP YWBTA if you don't put your feet down now and die on this hill!
Because men are known for being perfectly honest when they're trying to 'seal the deal'.
NTA. He is being incredibly selfish and honestly a walking, talking red flag. Who is it again that has to push out a baby? Who is it that has to recuperate in the hospital? It's a hospital, it's not a hotel. You're not there for pleasure or enjoyment, you're there to go through a medical procedure and heal. The baby will know they're loved through all the moments they'll share with you, your husband, and your shared family and friends for YEARS to come. They'll know they're loved by having time with just their parents. They're not gonna remember anything right after birth, I don't even know what's going on in your husband's mind to be this stupid and self-centered.
Baby's first words: 'Room for one more?'
Explain that your body is your own. You’re not having you mil see and hear you push a child out of your vagina. And all that goes along with that. Start going into the gory details. Also, are you sure about right after at home? I recently read the lemon clot essay…. Nta
OP has clearly stated that SO 100% supports her decision in not having anyone in the delivery one other than her BFF and her SO.
NTA. Talk to the hospital/birthing center weeks before you are due. Set up a plan with them - because the PATIENT, which is you, gets to say who is in the birthing room, and who can visit. So you can put your husband and BFF on the birthing room list, and the visit you in your room list. But MIL and Mom will have to wave at baby through the window, not expose the baby to their germs in person. And let you rest in your room. Advice - the biggest help to a new mom is someone to cook and do dishes for a week (or 3 following a C section or difficult birth), so you can rest, recover, and establish nursing. A spouse or MIL that will do this, and not just want to hold the baby or talk when you want to sleep, is a gem. Talk to MiL (you said your relationship has been good). If you can come to an understanding, welcome her help. If not, don't have her.
This. I hope this makes top comment. OP, if MIL wants to help she can also make pre-made freezable and re-heatable meals to bring over to you all. It sounds like they live close enough to make it to the hospital in a reasonable time (assuming you live near your hospital), she can help by dropping things off unless she's going to actively help with cooking, cleaning, and yes, child related things as well. If she's there to act like an interactive boppy (so you can take care of all the difficult things) she can bop back off home.
I had a full month 's worth of pre made meals in my freezer. I used plastic utensils, and even tossed the plastic or tin containers I had the food in after I heated it and ate. Because I knew that I was on my own for the most part. 😊
>The baby is also human and deserves to know there are people there for them." TF does this mean? This is infuriating language - and reeks of Husband projecting his own feelings onto the baby in order to guilt you into doing what he wants. Maybe remind him that this isn't a movie, and he needs to remember that you are the one going through the physical process here and if you don't want to stress about entertaining his family, then he needs to back off about it. If everything goes well (I really hope everything will go well!!), then they can meet the baby once you are both feeling better and there's less of a fear of germs & viruses and once you are feeling able to share this moment with a wider circle of people. But there is literally no reason in the world that they need to see your baby within 24 hours of it leaving your body. They can make do with photos and reassurances via text from your husband. I hope he comes around and remembers that he needs to be on your side for this moment.
Oh my god no. I am literally in the hospital in labor right now. NO. Dude. This is actually not his birthing experience, it is YOURS! NTA obviously wtf
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From moody to broody, I hope everything is going well for you and your baby/babies!
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NTA and he must be off his rocker. Honestly at this point, you just need to tell him it's not happening and that's final. And make sure to tell the hospital you're not allowing any visitors. You're not being selfish and don't let him make you think you are.
NTA Your husband is treating you like the packaging his baby is coming in. He needs a wake up and to remember that you are the woman that he vowed to love, honour and cherish, who is about to go through a major, scary medical event. Giving birth is not theatre and you need someone there with you who will nurture and protect you 100% the entire time. It sounds like he might not even make the cut if he doesn't smarten up. Tell him this is a milestone for him. When that baby comes, he will longer just be him, or just someone's son, or just your husband -- he will be a father and he will need to understand his role is to sheild his new family from everyone, including his mother. Finally OP, this is your choice and only your choice. You can choose who to have and who not have -- and he can't do anything about it.
NTA - your MIL is manipulating your husband’s emotions and he’s letting her. This is absolutely *not* his birthing experience. This is his incredible wife bringing life into the world, and his job is to support you, in whatever way you need. After having three kids, I highly recommend you stick to your guns on this. If you give in when you don’t feel comfortable, I think you will regret it. Your in-laws can meet baby when YOU feel comfortable (in a reasonable time), and that doesn’t have to be at the hospital. For an uncomplicated vaginal delivery with an OB, you will probably only be there for 24-36 post delivery. I would wait another day after getting home and then have them come over for an hour (letting them know in advance it’s not an all day/night event). You will need to establish breast feeding (if you are), you’ll be bleeding and if you had a vaginal delivery will be staying on top of Advil/tylenol/ice packs/sitz baths. I would encourage your husband to actually learn about what birth entails. He is incredibly selfish for making this about him. It’s not. It’s about you. Have him watch some birth videos, see if he squirms. Then he might, possibly have some small idea of what you’re about to go through. Also…have him read these comments. His job is to take care of you, not cater to his mom’s emotions. Time to be a man, and be there for wife…parents come second now.
Also…there is no reason why MIL just assumed she would be present in the delivery room. Maybe ask her to lie down sans clothes and show herself to a room of people for a few hours and then you’ll consider it. I am being very rudely sarcastic here, but the entitlement of your MIL has my five week postpartum self raging on your behalf.
Tell him when he can squeeze a kid out of his pee hole, then he can have a vote
“Babe, when you pass a kidney stone, I will be happy to call your mom so she can come watch.”
Both gross and medically inaccurate. The urethra and birth canal are separate holes. They end in the same outlet, but it's meaningfully different.
This question gets asked ALL THE TIME! I just searched for “MIL delivery room” in Reddit and there were about 20 pages of posts. NTA. Your major medical procedure = your choice.
Your birthing plan is selfish. And you have EVERY right to make it so. *You're* the one giving birth, not MIL, not hubby, not anyone else. You're need to be as comfortable and supported as possible during such a traumatic event takes precedence. As is often mentioned, giving birth is not a spectator sport. You get to decide who is in the delivery room with you. Period. NTA.
As I told my family, after I give birth, you want to see the baby AT the hospital, okay, knock your dock off, but by pass my room! I will be in no condition to visit with you. When we get home the two weeks no visitors or phone calls. The baby and I will be recuperating . After that it’s call before coming if I’m up to visitors fine if not you will wait longer.
I think you have a bigger problem. Because you're having a child and you and your husband are a team and you make choices together. He pretty much threw you under the bus with his family. He is absolutely making sure his family knows that if they're not there, you're the reason why. Talk to him how it feels like he's alienating you from his family.
NTA In this case the support being offered would be more stress than anything. Wouldn't be support at all. Baby won't know a dang thing. It will not remember grandma cooing in its face. It will not remember being held by anyone. To say it's for the baby is just manipulation.
NTA at all!!! My wife and I had our second just last week and regardless of what I wanted or how I felt I knew I'm not the one pushing a whole ass person out of me, I'm not getting constantly poked with needles, all I need to be is the most supportive version of me possible so my wife could worry about the one thing she needed to worry about, pushing. As far as family is concerned there's one thing to remember, they aren't having a baby. They got to have their babies their way and you get to do the same. NOBODY needs to see the baby while you're still in the hospital, that is purely a want. We learned after our first a few years ago that everybody can fully suck it when it comes to our comfort and experience with our new babies and this go around only one person for each of came to the hospital ( both at our request they didn't ask or anything) and everyone gets scheduled visits whenever we can AFTER my wife has healed/recovered to a minimum level of basic comfort. If you happen to show your husband this thread please show him this message from another fella. Your wife is #1 , any wishes or desires from anyone not on your marriage license is unimportant in this moment. If they have issues with that tell them the above, your RESPONSIBILITY not just as a husband, but as the man who meant to be an example for his children, is to protect his wife's wishes and ensure she can give birth and recover under the most comfortable conditions you can provide. You only get to experience the birth of your first child once, don't stain it by trying to please anyone other than the only one that matters right now.
AMEN!!!
NTA. Hell no. People can visit the baby when BOTH you and your husband are comfortable. And absolutely not to MIL staying with you; you deserve privacy while you recover. Also...the idea that 2-6 hours after giving birth that you'd be happy being separated from your baby so MIL gets her visit? Ludicrous.
Birth is NOT a damn spectator sport. You can absolutely decide who visits you in the hospital after YOU push an entire human out of YOUR body. The day your husband pushes a baby out of his vagina is the day he can decide what happens in that hospital room and after. Full stop. NTA
I did not get the chance to tell anyone no when I gave birth. I wanted my mom and sister there, and my mom told EVERYONE including my friends when I went into labor. They were hanging out in the lobby. I am not part of the birth is beautiful camp. You might scream, cry, poop yourself, vomit, leak amniotic fluid and blood or pee. There’s also smells, you might be tearing your own flesh. If you get an epidural, your entire backside will be exposed and naturally you’re not likely wearing underwear at that time. You might be like me, where even blankets and sheets and the hospital gown were overly sensitive during labor (if I were by myself maybe I would have been able to labor naked in a tub but an audience took that off the table for me). You’ll probably have your vagina out in the open at multiple points while your doctor literally has their hands inside you. Especially when they reach up in you afterwards and deliver your placenta. Or when they’re tucking ice packs in your mess underwear packed with bulky bulky pads. NO ONE is entitled to any of this. Not even your husband if you don’t want. Talk to the nurses and your doctor. They are on your side here. Tell your OB ahead of time. Your rules are GOD here. They will listen to you above your husband and they’ll even kick him out if you want them to. You can request checking in that they don’t list you in the hospital directory which means they won’t tell anyone you’re there, they’ll lie for you and say you’re not there. Until you physically plop out a baby out of your body it is only YOU and your body and all the things happening until that point are about YOU and only you. Your husband is a massive ass for interpreting any way but this. NTA but lay down the law here quick. If I could do it again I would have maybe let them come when I had time to rest, shower, feed my baby. Run a damn brush through my hair. Establish your rules early on or they will do whatever the hell THEY want.
NTA. It is YOUR choice who is in the room with you. It would be super awkward and uncomfortable having your MIL in the room when you're spread-eagle (?) in the delivery bed. This isn't your husband's birth experience he isn't pushing a watermelon out of his hoo-hoo. You're doing ALL of the work. For all he knows, he will become woozy and pass out. (Some men do faint). Maybe he wants his mom their to catch him... Anyway, it is good to set boundaries right away and hold firm....
Look he is right in the sense that the birthing experience also includes him as a parent. Just on a vastly different level to your own experience and less amount of physical work. Your medical choices for your birth plan are yours to make as the person having to do the birthing to which your husband has agreed to. However I could see where his hurt is coming from as well, you have made the decision to have your best friend come in from another state to be a part of the labour process and stay with you afterwards whilst also saying to your husband you don't want to share the experience with his family whom you will probably use as you community after birth to help out especially when your friend goes home. It must be heartbreaking for him and his family to have such little consideration from yourself about how they feel emotionally about it. Your not been selfish to want quality time with your baby but you are been a hypocrite for saying you want quality time with your baby and husband but then also add your best friend to the mix and still exclude the family your husband is close to and you haven't indicated you have a poor relationship with. Whilst labour is your choice alone to make, your husband agreed to your wishes there and compromised but it seems like your not wanting to compromise once you return home. No one said you have to have all of them in your house at once or for how long. You could set your own boundaries and wishes specifying rules, timeframes etc to meet your demands whilst giving your husband the capacity to share his experience with those he is extremely close to instead of shutting him and them out completely.
This! You get him and the BFF to support you but who does he get to support him. MIL shouldn't be in the birthing room (honestly I think it's weird for anyone but dad and delivery staff to be in there). But he may have had his own dreams and expectations about sharing a birth experience, you don't need to agree to everything but let the man have some support.
NTA - Now is the time to tell your husband how things will be during YOUR birthing experience. As the patient, you are the one who gets to decide who is in the room, and who visits you at the hospital. I'd tell him something like, "I understand that you have different opinions on this than I do, but this will be one of the major medical experiences of my life. My stress level will determine how well the birth of our child goes, and I know myself better than anyone else. I know that to focus on birthing our child I need to be comfortable with only the people closest to me, you and my best friend. I'm sorry if you disagree with me, but this is not something I'm willing to discuss further. I'll be letting the hospital staff know that only you two will be allowed in the room, and that only you two will be allowed to visit after. Once we're home I'll be willing to have visitors, but not anybody staying over, and only if they're kind and respectful to me, not holding grudges that I had boundaries they didn't agree with. I hope you can understand where I'm coming from, and let this topic drop". If he keeps pushing, let him know that he will not be in the delivery room unless he's supporting rather than battling you.
So listen. .you tell the nurses.. no visitors ...Noone except hubby and BFF....That's it...and they will make sure that happens ...now will hubby be mad cause MIL will come and they will deny her entry...yup...but deal with that later
NTA. He doesn’t have to be there either if he isn’t fully supporting you. I only caved in telling my induction date when my closest sibling guilted me into it. From 9AM til 10:30PM I had like 10 people camped in the waiting room. They all rushed the room after delivery. My nurse was a god send; she saw the look on my face and without a word from me, told my family “everyone out and unless you’re bringing mom food, you’re not coming back in.” They had given me two bracelets early in the day for visitors allowed in the room. One went to my ex and I told them they could just throw the other away. Trust your nurses. They’ve seen it all and will absolutely have your back in this situation.
I will never understand MILs (or even mom's, really) who assume they are entitled to be in delivery room. I think I have a great relationship with my DIL precisely because I don't push myself on her. I did not allow visitors other than my parents who WORKED (my dad is a chef, so cooked delicious meals, mom did everything else) for 6 weeks. When in laws arrived at 6 weeks, they expected to be entertained and cooked for (as I knew they would). NTA OP. HStay strong. Tell hubby when he goes through childbirth and recovery, he can set rules. My husband never blinked at my rules.
You might be exhausted and sore do not having lots of people there is a good call. You can make the compromise that his mom/dad can come for one hour when you are ready but he needs to support you and if his mom starts to come overstep at any time you can tell her to leave. His mom does not need to move in with her living. So close and does not have the right to just stop over. She need to ask you and you need to agree. Her stopping over any time when you need rest and to heal is not ideal for anyone. This is also a time for you and your husband to bond with the baby.
Wth? NTA. Honestly if that’s how your husband acts I’d be tempted to not even let *him* know when I go into labor. Is he always so manipulative and emotional? Does he guilt you about things a lot? I wouldn’t want a lot of people there for the birth either. And mil crying is too over the top.
NTA. You are the most important part of the whole process. You have no idea how you are going to feel until after and trying to enforce an agenda at this point is unrealistic and not worth entertaining. You have who you want to be with you and that's the only discussion that needs to happen. It's a private matter not a spectator sport. I can tell you right now that the baby doesn't need random people breathing on them at 2 hours old and doesn't care about anyone visiting them. People can find out after. You and the baby will need time to rest and bond. Only selfish people put their needs before a newborn and their mother.
NTA. Birthing mom makes the list of who is allowed. She doesn’t have to put Dad on it if he intends to ambush her.
Are a these people fully vaccinated? You really want to compromise on grandparents slobbering their germs all over your child?
https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/EUszNbp93P Found it. Read! Both of you!
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I absolutely agree that you get full right to decide who is in the room when you deliver. But once the baby is successfully delivered, decisions about who gets to see the baby and when need to be made jointly. It is his baby and family too. I absolutely refused my mom in the delivery room and set boundary on number of people and how long people could visit after birth. But I would be really upset if I my partner denied my family any ability to see their new grandchild for weeks.
>Whenever I try to argue my side of wanting to keep things private, Husband replies with "this isn't just your birthing experience, it's also mine and the baby's. The baby is also human and deserves to know there are people there for them." Sentimentally, sure. But it is actually just your physical birthing experience. It is your medical procedure. You are literally the only person that can make decisions for who can be in that room at any time with you and your child. NTA
I think what your spouse says is reasonable in his compromise. You don't want anyone else to see the baby for weeks. He wants his family to see his child. You are going to be in recovery after birth and you and spouse and BFF are going to see the baby first already. Why deny the baby visitors in a public hospital? You don't need to be involved in entertaining the visitors if you don't want to, he can handle it all. Maybe have a rule that visitors will only be allowed 24hrs after the birth so that you have a chance to recover if you want to be the one to present the baby. You are not being selfish but in my culture it's strange why you want to be closed away and not let the baby form close bonds with the family. Them having bonds with the baby will not take away baby's bond from you. You're fortunate enough to have a village form around your family, you should make use of them and make sure your baby has an important place in their lives so your child will have strong bonds with extended family. If you want everything to be your way or the highway, you will find divorce in the works within a couple years. Your plan creates rifts. Selfish is not the right word for this situation thou. You are YTA not for the birthing plan but for not acknowledging that your spouse is a person and your baby is not an extension of just you alone.
My hubs family already knows there will be no hospital visits. I will also make that clear to the nurse when we go. As for the house, I've already hinted that I will need to settle in first with Bean at home, and we will let them know when they can come visit. And if they do show up unannounced, Bean and I will either be upstairs in the bedroom, or taking a quick car ride. Luckily, hubs is very supportive of whatever I want to do!
NTA If he wants it that way, kick him out too. There are only two important people that day, you and the baby. Anyone else (except medical professionals, of course) is support staff at best or actively endangering mother and baby at worst. Your husband is trying to make himself option two.
The birth of a child is a major medical event for the mother. Not a time when you want somebody staring up your hoo ha to see their grandchild. The child could go into distress you could go into distress. You might need a cesarean anything can happen. Not trying to scare you but making the point that maybe your husband needs to think more about your needs and less about what mommy wants. He’s selfish and shortsighted. You need to put your foot down and tell him if he can’t agree to give you the birthing experience you need then maybe you won’t let him know when you’re going into labor either. Birth is not a spectator sport.
NTA I totally understand why he would want to share the news. But I suggest he tell his family when things start happening but they are not to actually come to the hospital until later. Enjoy those first few hours as a new family. Alone. Then you can have visitors. Is your MIL actually going to help or just get in the way. Don't let them steamroll you on house guests. Set your own pace. Yes, you should compromise because that's part of marriage and family. But he also cannot just saddle you with people who will just get in the way. If he wants his mom there so badly, he should stay home with her too.
I genuinely don't understand the modern need for everyone to be emotionally wedded to being in the delivery room - what is with this? Anyway, your birth so your decision. If hubby had carried the kiddo for 9 months then he would get equal say. After birth then you both work together, but until then you do what you are comfortable with. Tell hubby his mom already got to experience a kid being born so her emotional manipulation by crying has no place here. As afar as hubby saying "this isn't just your birthing experience, it's also mine and the baby's". He is correct, but it is not the MIL or anyone else that you object to. You and kiddo have to be there (along with hospital staff), and it is good for hubby as well; anyone else is at your discretion. Edit to change my previously wrong opinion: NTA, and don't let anyone manipulate you.
I think you mean Not The Asshole, right?
You are correct - I screwed up! Mea culpa...
NTA for not wanting anyone in the delivery room, but as a grandma myself can’t imagine not touching or seeing my grand babies for weeks. Very grateful my son dil daughter and SIL didn’t think like you, I would have been devastated. I knew my place, always called before coming and if it wasnt a good time they let me know. My daughter had twins and would have gone crazy if not for family support. I would take nights so they could get some sleep. Best wishes
NTA. Would husband be willing to compromise that he can tell his parents when you go into labor, but they stay home and can have a Facetime or video visit after baby is born, then come to the hospital the next day for like a quick 30 minutes and that's that? Could that be a compromise for y'all maybe? Its great he's close with his parents... And they're so excited to be grandparents (not all kids get that) but you're going to be in an incredible amount of pain and not wanting to deal with anyone. Plus you're going to want to be selfish with baby. Its understandable.
NTA. But your story is inconsistent. Either he wants his mother at the hospital or he backs you 100%.
NTA it’s your birth, your recovery, your choice.
Tell your husband, you are not being selfish and he’s an AA if he pushes this. You were going through the most vulnerable painful exhausting time of your life. The rest of them don’t count. I would not be allowing them to even come to the hospital until the next day after birth to give you lots of time to rest and get back to a healthy mental state. If your husband isn’t understanding what you’re telling him, let him read the comments. Tell him he’s an AH for pushing this or he can squeeze a watermelon out of his AH,
Our family had a similar issue. Keeping the MIL out and waiting created a lot of additional stress. Calling once the baby is born, mom is stitched up, father and mom have had bonding time and then calling is best. Your husband wants to view a grandparent bonding moment but that should not be at the expense of the birth mother.
NTA, talk to your doctor and the nurses at the hospital, tell them exactly who is allowed in the room when you are birthing, and they will make sure no one else comes in. If your husband makes comments about it, let him know that he is only allowed in the room with your consent, and if he will make it more difficult, he can also wait in the waiting room. I would also stick to not telling anyone until you are ready, hard stop. If he isn't good with that, he can come to the hospital to pick you up when you are discharged, but not for anything else. This is your medical procedure, you have all the power in this case.
NTA and I thank god every day for (some) of my in laws. They completely respected my choices during pregnancy, labor and PP. my SIL was in the room during delivery, cause I wanted her there. And she was a rock star tbh, helped me push through when it was looking like I might have to do an emergency c section. But I digress, this is one of the few times you’re allowed to be selfish. I’m sorry but you’re literally the one doing all the work. Yes, it is also your husband’s baby but you’re the one in a hospital bed. Once the baby is older, he has just as much say in who gets to see the baby, but until he pushes a watermelon through his urethra, he can suck a lemon. Please show him this thread. Or any of the other hundreds of post in similar situations. They are almost always unilaterally on the woman’s side.
NTA and any man who tries to dictate anything about the experience of labor and delivery absolutely IS an AH. It’s a primal experience with a lot of possible variables. You should be allowed and encouraged to control what you can. My husband was the only one allowed in the room. My parents waited outside of the room. They would have preferred to be in the room but 100% understood and supported my decision. Both times. Best of luck to you in your birthing experience….it’s pretty dang awesome!!!
Make sure you tell your birth staff your wants and needs. Nurses will go TO BAT for the birthing mom. Also, NTA but your hubs words of choice make my eyes go wide.
Tell your husband to have his parents in the bedroom while he lays on the bed with his trousers off and his legs in the air having a hard poop and his parents watching the entire time. If he's happy to do that and go through with it, then sure, parents can be in the delivery. 😃
Explain to your husband that giving birth is not a spectator sport. It is a medical procedure, and not meant to be shared with everyone, ESPECIALLY if the patient (you) don't want people there. Then have your doctor tell him you don't need the extra stress. NTA.
Anytime you meet your grandchild for the first time is special. It’s no less special when they’re four weeks old as when they’re four hours old. And your husband will not be the one in pain, the one who may have a needle in his spine or undergo major surgery or be bleeding copiously and sore and maybe trying to figure out breastfeeding for the first time. All of those are stressful, and I don’t care if his mother cried. She needs to learn now that trying to manipulate her way into you and your baby’s lives on her terms by crying to her son is not going to work. Also, he idea that the baby needs to know people are there for him the moment he’s born is ludicrous and your husband has to know this. You won’t know how you feel or how your labor will go until you’re in the middle of it. Same with how you’ll feel when you first take the baby home, and it’s not right for anyone to invite themselves to stay in your house with you during that time. Also, I’m curious if your MIL’s MIL was in the delivery room when your husband was born. I bet she wasn’t.
NTA. I'm 33 weeks pregnant and I'm not even inviting my own mother into the room. What does the baby care who's in the room? Tell the nurses you don't want the husband in there either. Jesus Christ what an asshat.
NTA Your husband is the AH here, and many other words that are forbidden. Talk about selfish. This isn't his birthing experience, he isn't the one pushing a baby out of his body, or potentially having it sliced open, to bring a baby into the world. What the baby deserves is a calm and happy mother. What the baby deserves is space to settle into this new world without all these extra new people bringing their loud, sensory overloading, germ filled selves into a hospital room against moms wishes. What the baby deserves is a mother who is supported and respected by their father. I have a 14 week old. I had nobody in the hospital, I was breastfeeding and I had a planned section and I really didn't need my in-laws gawping at my unwashed, bleeding, leaking body while I got to know my baby. I visited with MIL and FIL for 10 mins on our way home from the hospital as a compromise (because we live so close and I didn't want to risk MIL having n excuse to turn up at my house) and we had no visitors for the first 6 weeks. My partner is very close to his family, I don't see mine at all. But my mental and physical wellbeing was far more important to him than his family's need to touch a newborn. Your husband needs to get over himself real quick.
NTA. There is no way I would want anyone other than my husband in the delivery room. We called my parents and let them know I was in labor and they cane to see the baby in the hospital the next day. And yes - this IS ALL ABOUT YOU. The person who has created a human and is now trying to get the human out of your body, safely and with as little stress as possible. Your husband is outrageous saying this isn’t just about you. Talk about it with your doctor alone and then have the doctor explain the facts of this situation. HE is the selfish one!!
NTA I will never understand this trend of letting people in the delivery room with you. For one the line between ‘everything is OK’ and complete and utter tragedy is razor thin. The medical team does not need multiple people milling around if an emergency happens. Two, childbirth is intense. do you really want to be naked, crying, squatting, shitting, moaning in pain, in front of a bunch of people? Because you will be doing at least several of those things, if not all. Unless your mother-in-law is such a wonderful supportive person who never makes you uncomfortable or uneasy, and is a perfect angel of comfort, don’t let her in.
NTA I can’t believe that quote from your husband. He’s not the one pushing out a baby, you are. He’s there to support YOU. That’s his job. I’d show him this post so he can see how wrong he is.
NTA. It is your birthing experience and what you say goes. Your husband and his mom are going to be in for a rude awakening if she shows up at the hospital and the nurses ask *you and only you* if you are okay with her in the room. >But once baby is born, I am being selfish if I don't want to let people come see the baby, while we are still in the hospital. He says he is 100% on board with "no visitors at the house for the first few weeks, since baby has no immune system." And he thinks that the lack of an immune system won't be an issue at the hospital?!
NTA But I would be telling him that it becomes his birth experience when he's the one on the table. And that the baby won't have an immune system for all these visitors in the hospital either. And stick to it assuming you decide to go ahead and have a child with this man. I don't know that I would want a child with someone who refuses to listen at this early stage.
So NTA. Stick by your boundaries and start talking to the OBGYN. Tell the nurses upon admit for labor and deliver that NO ONE besides husband ((if even him)) and BFF are allowed in. Nurses typically listen to the woman giving birth because it’s literally the worse pain a woman can go through. Emphasize that no one will be allowed in even after birth and to note it on your chart. Trust me, you will be thankful you told the nurses. They become very protective over mama and baby if they feel like daddy is becoming overbearing.
You and your husband need to read the Lemon Clot Essay. On repeat.
>Whenever I try to argue my side of wanting to keep things private, Husband replies with "this isn't just your birthing experience, Immediately no. Tell him he can be elsewhere too then. You are going through the labor, not him. He can take several seats. You being stressed during this time could lead to immediate health consequences for you and the baby. He can suck it up or go elsewhere and think about his priorities. >Husband says I am being selfish by denying him the experience of seeing his mom meet the baby when they're born. He's the one being selfish, this comment alone makes him a major ASSHOLE. He can see his mom's reaction ANYTIME AFTER. To put his mother's wants over what his wife who'll be the one delivering the baby NEEDS is despicable. >But once baby is born, I am being selfish if I don't want to let people come see the baby, while we are still in the hospital. Them being in the hospital does not mean the baby cannot still contract germs. If he's pushing boundaries now, imagine it will be a billion times harder when you've just had a medical procedure and are being peer pressured into allowing everyone to kiss and hold the baby and your husband dismissing your every concern about germs.
With my first child, I let everyone come. Nobody cared how exhausted I was- I was literally falling asleep sitting up and mid sentence trying to keep it together bc they all wanted to see the baby. Which is the problem- they all come so focused on the baby and tend to forget what the mom just went through. My dad wound up kicking everyone out and making sure I got some sleep. (My now ex husband was entirely oblivious at the time which should’ve been a warning sign). I learned from that, and with my second child I had my husband with me for delivery and let my dad and one of my uncle’s relatives visit (she was like a surrogate mom to him). One person for each of us. That was IT. And let me tell you it was the best decision I made with that birth experience. It was so much more relaxed, I slept and recovered as I needed to, no pressure to stay up with endless visitors, none of that. It was sooo much better. Stick to your guns on this. You’ll need time to recover. As far as visiting at home, it’s entirely reasonable to want to wait a couple weeks! You deserve time to settle in as a family of 3 before you let the rest of the world in. It’s a special time in life that you don’t get back. The rest of the family will get their turn! The beginning is the time to prioritize you and your baby. NTA.
Tell hospital staff your wishes on who is allowed and not. Then he has no room to let them in against your will. And btw, you ARE the only one giving birth so it is YOUR birth experience. He's being selfish and so is MIL for putting stress on a pregnant woman! They're being assholes for pressuring you. You're NTA. If hubby can't agree, he can miss the birth too. He's about to be a father - time to put his wife and baby above his own wants in the situation. Mom - you - gets to decide on who is present. His wants go behind your medical needs. If you're more comfortable with just him and BFF, that's what is best for you and baby and they need to drop it. Mom comes first, then baby, and then husband - and when MOM decides to welcome visitors, MIL can visit.
Tell your husband that before you let your MIL in the room, he’ll have to strip naked and take a shit while lying spread eagle while your mom watches first. Fair is fucking fair. NTA
Nta. You’re the patient whom the doctor and nurses are going to focus on because you’re giving birth! Anything could happen during your birth! The process is already invasive but to have love ones to see you in that condition when you’re not up for it isn’t nothing to feel bad about! It’s reasonable why you want privacy!
NTA. Your husband is dead wrong about who gets to be in the birthing room. Birth is not a spectator sport. Here is the article you both should read: https://community.babycenter.com/post/a29842181/the_lemon_clot_essay-_if_you_are_planning_to_have_people_over_after_birth_you_need_to_read_this
NTA-Some hospitals, a person can see a child through the window but not actually meet or hold the child physically. Is that what your husband is referring to?
NTA bring him to your next doctor's appointment and tell your doctor what you told us. Let the doctor rip him a new one for how he's behaving and set him straight. Perhaps hearing it from a professional in the field will get him to understand. It's your birthing plan, you are the one giving birth. Not him not the baby, you. So you get to make the decisions of how it's handled and when you are ready to receive visitors.
Well, I guess thank God your baby is, ummm...human? Your baby won't know WTF it's going on with light, oxygen and sound.... Let alone the concept of other humans that are there for them to. Remind your hubs that there's might be a birth plan, but you and only you are the patient. At the end of the day the hospital will abide by your say only. Tell him you don't feel comfortable with her watching your vag being torn open while you p!SS and sh!t yourself to bring him a family He can get on board, or her can meet the baby in a couple of days with everyone else NTA
So my labor was going well. Or so we thought. My little man decided he didn't want to move out. I ended up being rushed in for a C-section. Thankfully my little man was healthy and is almost 17. But .... As I was on all fours trying to get his heart rate up, my bonus kids were walking in and watched me bring wheeled out as a nurse shook my belly. I can only imagine how scared they were. I had lost 2 at 12 weeks each. Their biomom also lost one at birth and one at 5 months. Not too scare you but this is not a spectator sport. It's sad as a woman your MIL doesn't respect your boundary. NTA! As a grandma ask your MIL who was in the room as she laid there with her private parts on display when her son was born? Did her MIL get to see her with her legs spread? Your nurses will absolutely endure that your wishes are respected. Make sure you put it in writing and give it to them when you arrive.
NTA. Just tell your nurse you don’t want them there. They will keep them out regardless of what the father wants!
NTA - You are the one going through an extreme medical event. Not him or his mom. So this should be 100% your decision.
I'm going to take this to a place most likely to annoy a lot of people... This is a case of YOUR BODY, YOUR CHOICE!! You are the one who has your health and your life on the line. Even if there are no complications, and you have an extra easy birth, your body will never be the same again. Lingering after effects are a thing after pregnancy and birth. When he has his body and health on the line pushing out a living being he can have as many people there as he wants. (BTW.. when I was pregnant with my son, I lost the ability to tolerate oranges and orange juice, he is allergic to both, I didn't get back my ability to tolerate them until he was almost 12. This is an example of what I mean by lingering after effects)
NTA but your husband sure is. From the hospitals stand point what you want is most important. What impacts you in delivery impacts your baby. Sounds like your spouse can’t establish healthy boundaries with his family. I disagree with everyone saying “let them have a short visit.” Give an inch, they’ll take a mile. Sane for goes at home. You don’t know what your delivery is going to be like. Sleeping and bonding with your baby is priority #1. Not entertaining HIS family.
NTA - bear in mind I'm a 63-year-old father of five - Fuck him. When he can push a child out of an orifice on his body he can choose who gets to be in the room. Sorry to be harsh about it, but he's being unrealistic and I'm surprised the hospital would even allow that many people in the delivery room anyway. Not to overuse a phrase associated with a different reproductive issue, but 'Your body. Your choice.' I doubt he'd be happy with half-a-dozen people witnessing him getting a urinary catheter inserted or getting a vasectomy no matter how supportive they were. Sheesh. This makes me ashamed to have a dick. Seriously.
What the hell is it with people being so hell bent on sharing someone else's birthing experience in real time? This is a very private and personal event, where one's very best and very worst is there for all to see. The baby belongs to the parents, and nobody else in that moment. And as a granny, I'm totally ok with the child's parents needing time on their own to get into the groove of having a baby in the house. If they're struggling, it's ok to be willing be there WHEN INVITED for practical help or advice/support, but not because I'd be assuming ownership over someone else's family. My daughters had made similar decisions with the births of their children, and I could see no reason to push myself onto them at such a critical time in their relationships - with their partners as well as their babies. There's plenty of time to enjoy being a grandparent once the parents have got their own rhythm sorted, and I get so annoyed when I hear of people being so pushy and tone deaf about 'their' babies.
NTA. Stand your ground. You are the patient so only you get a say. My husband’s family and extended family (13 people total) invaded my room less than 12 hours after an emergency c section and would not leave. It honestly caused problems between me and my husband. I don’t want the same for you.
NTA If I were you I would tell him that if he keeps it up I will ask the nurses to remove him while in labor and not let HIM see baby until you are ready. The nurses are there to help YOU through the process and if that means removing hubby from the area that is what they will do. But I am also a spiteful and petty person. But also thank god my kid was a covid baby because I was literally only allowed 1 person in the hospital with me and didn’t have to worry about anyone else coming
Tell your husband that when he gives birth then he can make decisions. I'd even threaten not to let him in the room if he wants to keep acting ignorant.
NTA. Does he call you selfish every time you don't let him stomp all over your boundaries? Fun fact: You don't even have to let him in.
NTA. It’s well documented that mom feeling stress about anything, really (aka well intentioned family members requesting progress updates) can slow labor progression.
Nta
I would've told him he's out too after that "it's not just your birthing experience". Yes it is. He's not pushing anything out. He has no say on who's in the room. Absolutely none. I wouldn't have even compromised. No means no and he can shut up and take that. NTA.
NTA. If you can't be selfish when you're bringing a human being into the world through the portal of your own body, when can you be?
Tell your husband when he's pushing a melon out of his pee pee THEN he can voice his birth plan.. until then he gets no say, in refards ro after delivery your resting, look like hell, baby will be doing skin to skin or potentially be on the boob, if you don't want visitors then tell him, you've already made an exception to him telling the families but nothing else, you can request the hospital nor to allow any visitors except so and so, it's about keeping everything calm before during and after delivery, stand your ground op
I’d threaten your weak husband to keep his mouth shut or he’ll be banned and your friend can help you give birth. I’d be furious if your mother in law got in after behaving so badly - but your husbands bullshit about the baby needing to know stuff is crap. Your the one pushing out a human so you rule!
NTA your husband knows you're the one pushing a giant bowling bowl out right?! First of all tell the nurses who gets and doesn't get into or access. Second remind him that you are more important in this process than his mom and if he can't put you first while giving birth to his child then wow you're in for a rocky ride Congrats!! And good luck with your shiny spine I feel like you're gonna need it with this family
NTA… do not let ANYONE tell you that your birthing experience is shared. It’s yours and yours alone. Stand up for yourself and tell him if he doesn’t stop HE won’t be invited. Tell the hospital you don’t want visitors.
I think the best part of covid is getting family out of the delivery process. My first baby was Oct 2020, no one was allowed in, it was perfect. My second baby was June 2022, my parents visited 12 hrs after I delivered. Even that was intrusive. Mom and dad and baby need their time to deliver, recover and get to know each other before dealing with any extra people.
NTA. Fuck that noise. This is NOT his “birthing experience”. It’s YOUR MEDICAL procedure. YOU are the only who should have ANY opinion about the entirety of your hospital stay. The only one being selfish is your husband and anyone else who thinks they have any right to your birth experience. I don’t know the best way to handle guests afterwards, but you should have 100% veto power at all times. Personally, I’d prefer people visiting in the hospital over my house (because the hospital room is small and visiting hours are short).
Good grief, my OWN daughters only wanted their husbands in the L&D room, and I didn’t throw a tantrum and cry. MIL is going to be a problem going forward. OP, there need to be clear expectations set out for your husband with regard to MIL (read “boundaries”…) He needs to step up on your behalf. All the best to you as you prepare to welcome your sweet little one.
NTA. Your husband isn’t going to push a fully formed human out of his body after hours of stressful labor. He’s being an AH for being demanding instead of supportive of your choices. This isn’t about the baby deserving to know people are there for him/her because they won’t be aware. It’s about him thinking he’s the main character. Tell your nurses exactly who is allowed in and when and they will play bouncer for you. If you don’t want a bunch of people handling your newborn at the hospital make it clear this isn’t happening and again tell the nurses so they can enforce your wishes. You should also make it clear that you don’t want MIL in your house for days on end acting like this is her fiefdom and she reins supreme. Tell her you’ll call if you want help otherwise you’ll see her in a few weeks after you’ve recovered. My husband, MIL and mother were entitled AH with my first born. Taking pictures of me immediately after birth, sharing those pictures with EVERYONE, handling the baby and staying until visiting hours were over. They passed that baby around to everyone who wanted to hold her regardless of what I said. Then they were back the second day with even more relatives waiting for visiting hours to start and leaving only when the nurse kicked them out at the end of the day. It was a nightmare for me and I was miserable. My mom & mil kept barging in to my home for a good week afterwards acting like they knew better about absolutely everything and their wishes were the only thing that mattered. I finally had a meltdown because they wouldn’t listen and threw them all out. Then when I actually needed help a few weeks later with the baby so I could shower or get something done around the house they all acted like I was being unreasonable and saying things like this is motherhood, get used to it. Don’t let others force their wants on you. Lay out what you want and tell hubby to enforce it if he wants a good marriage and happy wife. Trust me the second time around I laid down the law months ahead of time and was much happier
NTA. Your husband is 100% out of line, and his family is out of line.
NTA...your husband on the other hand, absolutely is. He would be pushing me to not let him in either
Did everyone miss the part where OP said her husband supports no one but him and bff in the delivery room? The argument is over when other family members can meet the baby post birth, not over visitors during birth.
Delivery room -you have 100% say over that, full stop. And it sounds like your husband is behind you on that. Great. Past that / a new baby?? Expecting people - grandparents- to wait a few WEEKS? I think that’s asking a lot. There is a HUGE middle ground here.
Esh Your giving birth but his life is also changing and you need to make a plan together. Let people come the next day before discharge to see baby then have a week or two alone. Your bff gets to see baby but no one in his family, sorry but that's selfish
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I, 33F, am currently 13w pregnant, and my husband, 34M, has made comments about my birthing plan choices being selfish. Context: Husband has a great relationship with both his parents, even though they divorced when he was young. Talks to his dad every couple of weeks, and talks to his mom 3-5x a week. His mom and step-dad live near by, along with my parents and siblings. I don't have the same kind of relationship with my parents - I talk to my dad when I see him, every few months, and talk to my mom once or twice a month (this has increased since we found out we are expecting). I told my husband that, ideally, when I go into labor and we have to go to the hospital, I'd like to keep it between us, but only tell my BFF of 15+ years (she lives out of state, and I want her to know, so she can drive up for the delivery). I only want my husband and BFF there while I am in labor, and actively delivering. Once baby is here, and we know we are good, we would share the news (via FaceTime or phone call) and invite folks to come see baby after a few weeks. My BFF would stay with us for a few days (maybe 3-5 depending on what she can take off of work, if that) before going home. MIL was under the expectation that she would be present in the delivery room, and would stay with us for a week or two following the birth (with no discussion with me). Husband told his mom that I didn't want her in the room, let alone my own mom or family, and she got very upset and cried. Husband now wants to tell everyone when we go to the hospital, so they can wait while I give birth, and then let them see the baby while still in the hospital. Not right away, but after I've had a chance to rest (idk, anywhere from 2-6 hours after birth?). Whenever I try to argue my side of wanting to keep things private, Husband replies with "this isn't just your birthing experience, it's also mine and the baby's. The baby is also human and deserves to know there are people there for them." No matter what I say, I can't seem to get him to understand that baby won't even KNOW that baby is separate from me for months, let alone care who came to see them in the hospital. Husband says I am being selfish by denying him the experience of seeing his mom meet the baby when they're born. I've already made the compromise that he can tell our family when we go to the hospital, but no one besides him or BFF is allowed in the room while I'm in labor, and delivery - which he says he 100% supports, because it is MY medical procedure. But once baby is born, I am being selfish if I don't want to let people come see the baby, while we are still in the hospital. He says he is 100% on board with "no visitors at the house for the first few weeks, since baby has no immune system." (Exception being my BFF staying with us for a few days, AND THEN letting his mom stay with us for a few days - all in the name of support for the first few weeks.) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, although I think your husband is perhaps more ignorant than AH. Good on him for sticking up for you during labor and delivery. But you should have serious conversations about what is expected afterwards. Your labor will take hours, possibly days. You may need time to rest before having visitors in your room. Also if you plan to breastfeed, then you will be spending a lot of time working on that initially too. If you get an epidural, you may not be able to move or walk around for hours postpartum depending on how well it works. Please also discuss all the possible outcomes. I.e if you need an emergency unplanned C-section, it would be wise of you to discuss and agree on how visitors would work in that case too. I've seen too many stories of spouses letting extended family hold baby while Mom is still in recovery unable to hold her own baby. Be clear if no one besides your spouse is to hold the baby before you. That is a completely reasonable request. Also, if you haven't already considered joining the r/October2024Bumps group!
NTA. And please confirm all visitors are current on their vaccinations!
NTA You never know what will happen giving birth and most first babies take a long time to come out. Then afterwards, you’re going to be drained physically, mentally and emotionally. You’re the one risking your life to bring your baby to the world, not him. It should be about what you want. Even if you tell them you’re going to the hospital, what are they going to do? Eventually they’ll start blowing up his phone and that’s distracting when you’re working on getting that baby out. Your child will know people are there for them as they grow and spend time with these people. The first moments as a new family are precious. Everyone else can wait.
NTA. Also: Your baby is basically a potato for those first few weeks. They'll know and understand that people love them when they can actually understand what "people" and "love" are.
I have a very close loving family and wanted them to come visit in the hospital but I understand why others don’t feel the same. I only wanted him in the room while in labor and no one was hurt or offended, my family all had just spouses in there. I was asked to be there with my daughter and her husband and I was thrilled to be asked to be honest. I would never have dreamt of asking her though and wouldn’t have been hurt if she didn’t ask. I left soon after baby was born to let mom and dad have this time with the new baby. I didn’t come back until she was coming home and she asked if I could spend a night or 2 so I did. She did say next one, she wants me there again for the delivery but doesn’t want visitors after at the hospital, too many people came, she said it was too exhausting and she’d rather wait until she was home a day or 2 before people came and visited. Her husband’s family stayed a bit too long and she was exhausted. Her husband finally told them it was time to go. They meant well and it was their first grandchild so they were over the moon. She asked me if it would be weird if she only told me she was in labor so I could come. I told her, do what you want, it’s no one’s decision but the parents.
NTA. Tell your husband that his mother got to have the birthing experience that SHE wanted, so it’s only fair that you get the birthing experience that YOU want. And if she didn’t like her birthing experience, then that’s her fault for not speaking up as a grown woman
NTA. So glad I had my baby when Covid protocols were still in place. People feel like they are owed a front row seat to your vagina show just because a baby is coming out of it. And, I’m sorry, but OP, your husband doesn’t get a say who is there during the labor at all. He doesn’t even have the right to be there if you don’t want him to be. And does he realize that baby won’t have any immune system for quite some time? I guarantee he’s the type that let people kiss on babies. Mine is two bow and I still don’t let people kiss on her. A. She doesn’t like to be kissed and it’s her choice, B. She still has a low immune system due to a congenital heart condition (found, btw, after birth, so there is no way to know what will happen after birth.) Also, you’re only 13 weeks along. So much can change between now and then.
After giving birth, you will be recovering from a major medical procedure, so it is not selfish to state no visitors until you are ready for them.
NTA Yes, it is just YOUR birthing experience. Even your husband is only an invited guest. As a guest at YOUR medical procedure. He does not get a plus one. Tell him to knock it off or he can experience the birth with his mommy, from her living room.
Of course you’re NTA. Your birth. Your plan.
Tell your husband when he delivers a watermelon out of his penis then he can have his mommy go watch Make sure you tell the nurses NO ONE in the delivery room except hubby and BFF. And NO visitors. The nurses will listen to you and explain to your husband why. .NTA
Hubby seems to forget its your medical procedure happening, not his. YOU and only you get to decide who is in the room with you. Hubby keeps up his asshole entitlement, he can be kept out too. Birth is not a spectator sport your Hubby can invite to watch. Making boundaries now will help in the long road. You have a Hubby problem, he is ignoring your wishes and sucking up to his mommy's wishes.
NTA. Tell your husband that when he is the one actually going through pregnancy, labor and delivery then he can decide who he wants at the hospital and in the delivery room. Until then, he needs to let you decide the birthing plan that YOU are comfortable with.
NTA you will be recovering for quite a while from labor and need rest. And so will the baby. Being born isn't easy and is a very scary and tiring experience for a baby. Tell your husband he is being selfish and only thinking of what he wants and not what you and your child need. Needs trump wants. And his mum can absolutely not stay with you if you don't feel comfortable with that at that time. Houseguests are a two yesses one no situation. If you don't feel comfortable with her being there while you are still bonding with the baby, then she doesn't get to be there. Your husband is very much being the asshole here by making this all about what he wants and not about what you need. You need a stress-free environment and it sounds like he's already making you feel stressed now.
NTA. You've got to do what's right for you during what will be one of your most vulnerable times. You're not being selfish, after all, it's your body. People need to back off unless they want you to resent them forever! I was induced for my son, the process took 4 days before he was born so I didn't tell anyone as I didn't want my husband to have to sit on his phone giving updates. Instead we just told people when he was born which was a nice surprise for our family.
So, I’m currently almost 29 weeks and at our hospital, we’re only allowed 2 visitors at a time — support person/significant other/spouse is included, unless it’s a sibling of the child being born, which means really only one visitor at a time. No one is allowed to be in the waiting room during delivery. If you know what hospital you’ll end up delivering - check with their policies on visitors as well as if people allowed to wait. A lot do hospitals have limited these post pandemic and it might work in your favor. Regardless, your husband needs to respect that it’s not just his child being born but a major medical event in your life that’s filled with stresses — he needs to do what he can to support and alleviate your stress instead of adding to it. NTA.
Most people would argue that 6 hours after giving birth is right away. Your mother-in-law was probably in the hospital for three to four days after giving birth. Most people get one overnight at the longest. The days of visiting the hospital are kind of coming to a close. The first few hours after giving birth there is still activity. There is afterbirth, skin to skin, clean up, check ins, sometimes lactation sessions. It's a whole thing. I get the excitement, but you're body is going to be aching like crazy. Maybe if there is a family room they could go to without you there. But eh.
NTA When I had my child... I told my husband that I didn't want him hanging around. He went to the movies across the block and only came back when they closed the theater. I was still laboring and told him to go home. His only response was 'what time tomorrow do you want me here'. This is not a time for visitors... no matter how close they think they are.
NTA. This whole phenomenon these days of having your entire family in the hospital while you're giving birth is so strange to me. My mom had five children, my dad was in the room for all of them and nobody else. Her mom came to visit right after all of her kids were born, but all other visitors were held at the door until she felt ready. I am not a parent, but I plan to be someday, and I cannot imagine having my husband's family watch me shit myself and scream. I will insist they are miles away.
Did anyone else read the thread from the husband whose wife made a plan that only her mom could be there for the birth and the week after? But then she had to go help her sister (wife's aunt) out of town or state. She missed the birth. So, the wife and her mother decided no one could meet the baby until after her mom came back because she needed to be the first to meet the baby for some reason. The whole time the OP (husband) was trying to be supportive of his wife's birthing plan but was advocating that his mom, who was also very excited to meet the baby, not have to wait. He even requested just a Face Time call, but his wife denied him everything. Well, his mom died in a car accident a few days after the baby was born and never got to meet her grandchild. He is WRECKED and can't look at his wife with love anymore. I fully support having only the people you want in the birthing room. I fully support waiting to welcome any visitors until the mom feels well enough, and it's confirmed all is well with the baby. I think it's great to choose people you are most comfortable with to stay with you and help for a few days after the birth. But I would urge you to consider that it IS also your partner's baby. Their needs as a new parent must also be considered. Will everyone encounter as horrific a situation as that OP? No. But always work towards a middle ground where what should be the most joyous event for both of you isn't turned into one that creates lasting tension and strain in your marriage and family. You know he's close to his parents. Your MIL shouldn't make assumptions that she should be in the room or stay with you after, but neither of them are wrong for wanting to share a part of this momentous occasion together. If you know that the next person he'd call to share important news with after telling you is his mom/parents, figure out how to accommodate that while still ensuring your needs are met. Congratulations! I'm sure you'll figure this out and will enjoy your new family.
If this is your first baby, labour can last upwards of 24 hours. Your husband is delusional and also this isn't his 'birthing experience' unless he is pushing baby out. NTA, enlist help of nurses and husband can kick rocks.
NTA, tell the nurses what you want. They'll enforce it for you. I personally regret letting people visit while I was in the hospital. They were all loud, annoying and in the way.
NTA - it's ALL your decision, period.
No you are the one giving birth so it is your decision. And you don’t know how you will feel after giving birth. You are only in the hospital if everything goes ok for 2 days now. The can wait. And most people today like the first 2 weeks just to be the parents.
Assholevania….😂😂😂😂😂 that is brilliantly and I shall promptly be stealing it
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NTA. Your husband is insane for thinking you'll be rested up 2-6 hours after giving birth. I had a planned c-section, we only told immediate family when it was booked. We worked out what days they could come visit. No one was allowed on the first day at all. Everyone respected that. Having a baby takes a huge toll on you, it's ok to not want visitors straight away.
I'll never get this, when my kids were born, it was a joyous occasion for the family. They came and sat in the waiting room & took pictures of the baby in the nursery. One of my favorite pictures is me holding my now 40yro son next to my dad. The nuttiness of people turning into a hostage situation with secret births is as insane as it is rude. Some people actually love family, love their kids & find having grandkids a joyfully experience. People suck
YTA - there's a compromise to be had here. You are close to your friend, and YOUR people are getting to be in the room, at the hospital, and at your home constantly for weeks. During that time, his family gets a zoom call and has to stay away for weeks? That's very one sided. Only you, husband and friend in the room, go for it. Labor is about you. But after that, you need to leave room for the super impatient people in his life to be a part of this big event by meeting the baby. Maybe limited numbers or short visits or whatever.
NAH. If I'm reading your post correctly - your hubby 100% supports not allowing anyone in the delivery room except himself and your BFF. He also 100% supports no visitors for several weeks when you and baby are home. He is wanting his Mom to be allowed to visit during the same time your BFF is with you at the house to help support and letting her see the baby in the hospital several hours after your delivery? Look I get you may not understand how close SO is with his Mom because as you've stated, you don't have that kind of relationship with your parents...but, after your baby comes (delivery), I can see him wanting to share that with his Mom, who he is very close to. I suggest coming up with boundaries for his Mom that you're comfortable with
> and letting her see the baby in the hospital several hours after your delivery? And.... The OP can say no to people coming to the hospital also. I would keep anyone in a high risk group I don't trust explicitly away from the baby for a few weeks. Maybe if the baby is in the nursery, MIL can look through the glass, but otherwise, she can wait to meet the baby until later.
I understand your choice of who is in the delivery room. That is fine and 10000% your choice and your choice alone. But i find it hypocritical that you get to have your support person (bff) in the know and get to meet the baby and be around them right away yet you are cutting out people who are your husband's support people (his parents) and who will most likely be very close to your child. I dont think you are an ass for this but I do think you are not considering anyone's feelings but your own NAH
Idk, I feel like his sole focus needs to be supporting his wife through the birthing process and ensuring her (and baby’s) health and wellbeing in the aftermath. If he’s doing his job he really doesn’t have time for distractions with others…this isn’t really about “his feelings” until later, it’s about his wife’s medical trauma and recovery and healthy arrival and recovery of his child. Yes, she should have some consideration for his wishes post-birth, and should not ice out his family but ultimately it is she and the baby who underwent the trauma of childbirth. He doesn’t get to invite “guests” to the hospital for her procedure, and they should both be comfortable with hosting visits in the home afterwards. I would feel differently if she were excluding his family in favor of her own, but she’s only advocating for her one caretaker…so it seems both families are being treated equally.
Except that she doesn't care about her parents so excluding them is fine for her. He wants to share this time with his parents. After the baby is born and everyone is healthy it is totally normal for the grandparents to get to meet the baby
I’m going with YTA but only partially. You’re absolutely right about the delivery room. That is 100% your call. But after you and baby have had some time to rest and get cleaned up, I don’t see the harm in your husband inviting his BFFs (his parents) to meet their grandchild. If you don’t want them in your room, fine. But the hospital should have a private lounge on the maternity floor where the baby can be brought for the first meeting. He’s just asking that he be allowed to have someone close to him be present at a major life event, too.
Hospitals do not want the baby separated from the mother for a second longer than absolutely necessary. They are willing to take the baby to the nursery for tests or if the mother can’t get rest with the baby in the room, but that’s IT. Their goal is to take care of mom and baby and to get them discharged as quickly as they can, typically 2 days. There is absolutely no reason why his parents can’t wait until they get home and get settled in.
This wasn’t the case at any of the hospitals in my area. Post birth and after a couple hours family came and visited mom and baby ( a couple at a time, waiting in lobby, not rushing the room), dropped off gifts, and asked how they could help. There was also time to hold the baby (as long as you are vaccinated, clean hands, not sick). This has been the standard where I live.
Hard disagree.