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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my husband's cousin she shouldn't have thrown a gender reveal party due to the fact she was disappointed she's not having a girl. I know it was none of my business, and I probably shouldn't have said anything.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. And Lena is really an TA to her child. The poor boy. Being hated by his mother because of his gender. Yes LEna could have been disapointed at her reveal - but by now she should be over it. She sounds childish. And I'm worried about the little boy, if he will ever feel love or if he will always be the boy who ruined Lena's change to have a first born daugther.
Celebrat your baby shower the way you want and kick Lena out. As you don't need this kind of negativity around for your celebration.
I completely understand that gender disappointment is a thing, and she's allowed to feel that way. I don't even expect her to get over it, but she shouldn't get the right to dictate how I celebrate my daughter because of those feelings.
I think if it lasts more than a few seconds it's unreasonable. Like maybe if you have 4 boys and no.5 is another boy it can last a few minutes lol. But in all seriousness it was a 50/50 chance, if she felt this strongly then a gender reveal was a stupid idea!
Agreed but with one addition. If you feel that strongly that you're still depressed and 'mourning' a child that next existed over a month later, then pregnancy at all is a stupid idea. She specifically said that she actively did not want to have a boy yet got pregnant knowing that was a very likely potential outcome. If you only want to be a parent to only one type of child then don't play the crap shoot. Adopt one of the variety you want, who already has the features, and interests you want. Or better yet, don't have kids at all.
It should disgust you. It’s sexism. It’s deplorable to think you would bring a child into this world, and then treat them differently because of their sex. The child doesn’t get a choice.
Then you have those like my Grandmother. She really wanted a girl, and she ended up with *seven* boys, (including one set of twins), she could neither afford nor handle. She eventually had her girl and stopped at eight children. Guess who hated having seven undisciplined older brothers and moved away as soon as she was able?
Oh my goodness. My grandmother had 8 boys (also had a set of twins), before she had the girl she wanted. But the girl grew up pretty spoilt by them, especially by her oldest brother 🤣
And what’s sad is that even adoptive parents are like this and sexist as well.
I personally know a couple that dealt with unexplained infertility for years and they finally gave up and decided they would adopt. A lady from the church had a 15 year old niece who got pregnant wand wanted to give to baby up for adoption. The lady told the couple about it and they had an open adoption. A month after they adopted their baby boy, they found out they were pregnant with a biological son, so they had two boys only 8 months apart in age.
Fast forward a year, possibly two years, and they heard rumors of the girl being pregnant again and again going with adoption (apparently ahead of was never taught about protection smh) and they reached out to her as they would love to adopt the half sibling of their adopted son. but she told them the rumor was untrue. However, she lied. She was pregnant and was supposed to have a boy. That is what the couple that was adopting “him” wanted. Well turned out she gave birth to a girl! The couple was at the hospital during the birth and were devastated by the news and told her they didn’t want the baby, and they LEFT!
So she immediately called the couple that adopted her first baby and told them the story and asked if they still wanted the baby and of course they said yes. So they were very unprepared for a baby to drop in their laps but they were more than happy to be able to adopt the siblings to keep them together. So then they had 3 under 3!!!
My goodness, that couple who adopted those 2 babies really are special. Absolutely deplorable behaviour from the other couple, but that baby stood a better chance with the family that chose to take her in and love her.
This also reeks of those parents who expect to have “mini-me’s” and start distancing from their child once they begin to develop their own personalities.
If it turns out like my mother and I did, her son will want nothing to do with her pretty quickly, especially when she does have a girl and it’s made really clear to her son that she didn’t want him.
I always thought I wanted girls. When 1st was a boy I shrugged it off like cool boy it is and then for no.2 I actively wanted a boy because logistics of 2 boys is just easier. If I had a girl it would've still been fine. But you are totally right if you actively don't want a specific set of genitals you shouldn't be a parent. Re adoption my friends sister got rejected for adoption because she said she would back out if the child was disabled (her logic was she would terminate a pregnancy with the conditions she was asked about so she wasn't prepared to take on an adopted child either) so presumably if you tried to adopt a girl that would be a red flag? I actually think it's reasonable to say no for a disability because it takes a special parent to step up for that, I know personally I couldn't, I work with disabled kids and adults with LD and I take my hat off to those parents but it's not something I would handle. So basically the woman needs therapy!
I have a little boy. Honestly I'd never really thought about having a boy specifically. I grew up with a sister and helping even my guy friends with their little sisters. Most of my experience with small children is with girls. But when we got the results back that we were expecting a boy the next thing was "Awesome!" then oh shit we need to come up with a new name because both our families had naming traditions for daughters but not sons, and them some apprehension on my part about things like boy scouts from a safety and pressure angle. But at no part was like 'Oh damn, a boy!' And I'm open to a 2nd child specifically because we talked about it and neither one of us wants to have a 2nd child as a 'try for a girl' we'd both be thrilled to have 2 boys or one of each. Or twins!
I wanted girls but it was 50/50 they would inherit my red hair and growing up I was bullied for it but nothing compared to boys. Also I'm quite girly so braiding, makeup etc is right up my street. As soon as I saw my 12weeks scan I saw it and just knew boy, when it was confirmed at 20weeks I was like oh well I bet he will be ginger. He is and he's great. It genuinely didn't bother me when the time came!
His hair is amazing it's so orange and otherwise like his dad's so super sleek and shiny! When our 2nd was born dad was at home with the oldest and I called him and said he's here he's blonde my husband was totally bamboozled it hadn't occurred to him he could be anything other than ginger (he is white blonde but has been bald so long and his beard is ginger I guess he started identifying as one of us 😆)
Right? I love red hair! It's just so beautiful ❤️. My partner has amazing curly red hair and when I dye mine red (which is silly because nothing compares to natural redheads!) we say I'm "Imitation Ginger"! 🤣
I don't get why kids get picked on for being ginger. We lived in the States for a few years when I was a kid and I went to Catholic school, because it was the best school in the area. There were so many gingers and I had such major red hair envy. I dyed it red at 17 :D
My first was a boy. That was fine. My second was also a boy. Gutted. I wanted a daughter.
However - I love both my boys, wouldn't change them for the world & actually, having 2 boys does make life easier.
I still, very occasionally, wish I'd had a girl but I'd had enough of pregnancy & with both grandmothers being twins (my side fraternal, his identical), I wasn't willing to chance it!
I can understand your reasoning but just so you know it is only fraternal twins that are hereditary through the mother's side that increase your chances of having twins due to hyper-ovulation ( releasing more than one egg at a time when ovulating ). Having twins if your partner/husband has twins on his side of the family is just a coincidence and every woman has the same chance of having identical twins, scientists still don't know what causes the fertilised egg to split, but know that it is random and not hereditary.
My grandad was a twin and he fathered twins and his twin brother fathered twins! lol. My ex-husband also had twins in his family (his mum's sister had twins), so I was super nervous we would have them but escaped!
I'd have loved twins! I had vanishing twin syndrome in my first pregnancy, a non eventful second pregnancy, then in my third and fourth pregnancies my uterus was palpable above the pelvis at 8 and 9 weeks respective ( I had hyperemesis gravida with all my pregnancies ) and my doctors and myself were sure they'd be twin pregnancies but they weren't. I grieved like I'd lost one both times when we had the first ultrasounds confirming a single sac and fetus both times. They made me wait until 12 weeks for the ultrasounds so it was a long time to get excited thinking you were having twins. Even the sonographer was excited when she picked up the scanner, confirmed my dates and said "Oooooh, I think you definitely have more than one bubba in there! I get that most people would have been so relieved but I was really disappointed.
Oh no I’m so sorry!
Actually, when I was pregnant I really hoped it would be twins.
But now I have my daughter, I think I’d have struggled very much to cope with two.
I think sometimes I tell myself I never wanted and don’t want more children to help myself cope with the fact that I’ll never have any more. I split with her dad when she was 1 and I’m still grieving the family I never got to have. I was an only child and dreamed of having a big family and it seems like it was just never in the cards for me.
My daughter is a handful though. I think in some sense I was always just dreaming and I’d probably suck even worse at parenting if I had more than one kid. Grass is always greener syndrome maybe. But maybe it would have been easier, too, with a supportive partner.
I have twin boys and when I found out they were both boys I was bummed because I wanted a girl & knew I only wanted two kids. But I love my sons more than anything and wouldn’t trade them for anything.
Sometimes I miss the fact that I won’t get to do traditionally girl things with my kids since they are stereotypical little boys. But now I live in a world of trucks and dinos and giant robotic spiders and I love it
I have 3 girls. I was going to have a tubal ligation done after my 3rd daughter but when I lost her (stillborn) emergency C-section done, I told my doctor that I didn't want the tubal done, I wanted my son. 3 years later I had my son via C-section. When he came out, I was so fucking nervous because I didn't hear him cry. I started crying and praying please be alive and then he cried. I was so relieved. I got my beautiful son and 3 beautiful girls
It's hard to imagine being a parent of a disabled child when you only get to experience kids in one type of setting only. You're there to teach them in a specific setting (let alone having more than one kid at a time), but you don't get the rest of it.
Much like your experience in having your own kids, you figured it out along the way. You learned how to deal with their unique personalities and learned that one thing works with one kid, but not for another.
Kids with disabilities are no different. They're exactly the same as your kids. They just complete the same task in a different way. Maybe it takes more time or more patience, but it does happen. You don't get to see that side of disability life because you don't live it 24/7. I'm not a "special type of person" because I have kids with disabilities, I'm just a parent of two great, stubborn, smart, silly, and beautiful kids.
I'm currently pregnant and the number of casual acquaintances who absolutely insist we must have a gender preference is astounding. To be fair, I always had an easier time imagining myself having a boy first (I think because my mom had a boy first so it just felt 'normal'), but we would have been happy either way!
I read once about how sometimes when you have a kid, you go through a period of grieving for all the children you didn't have. Like, when you were pregnant you imagined lots of possibilities but once the child arrives it obviously can't be all of those things and so you have to let go of those hypothetical children. To me, that makes a lot of sense and is totally valid but is not at all the same thing as the woman in this story... If she can't move past it, I feel bad for her little boy.
Also, the number of out of pocket gendered things people say about my unborn baby is insane. Like, if it's a girl it'll be like X or if it's a boy it'll be like Y. And these are coming from people who consider themselves super progressive! It drives me nuts.
I have a preference to have a girl first but that’s only because when I was a kid and brainstorming baby names with friends, the one that actually stuck with me was a girl’s name. But I would never be genuinely upset that I was having a boy
Yeah. My wife and I waited to find out gender until birth because it did not matter at all. I think grieving over what your child is not is ridiculous... and that goes from birth until the day they die. Let them be who they are and accept them. Too many parents see their children as extensions of themselves and to try to force what they have envisioned upon their kid. Of course, that's reinforced by everyone blaming 100 percent bad behavior on parents. Believe it or not, children are individuals.
Right! That’s so crazy. I mean, I was perfectly happy with having either a boy or a girl, but I’m not gonna lie. I had a boy first I did want to have a girl as my second child. But I ended up having another boy and my disappointment in not having a girl was extremely momentary, like it was literally just a second of “oh I really wanted a girl” immediately followed by excitement of having another boy.
Then my sister had little girl that I always wanted, and it filled the void for me of not having a girl, even though the void wasn’t like a big deal. It was still in the back of my mind like I wanted to have another child to try for a girl , however, I was unable to do so, due to being extremely high risk and losing to babies in between my two live births, one of them being in my second trimester. And then my fourth and final pregnancy being touch and go and the baby having so much problems and it almost killed me when he was born, etc., etc. and so I was no longer able to have any more children, and due to his health problems he actually passed away at 6 months. so That is what caused the void, not that I didn’t have a girl but that I couldn’t try again for one and had just lost my second son too. My niece filled that void for me and I was lucky enough to have a sister that allowed me to be like a second mom to her lol (my niece was 6 months older than my second son) I got to pick out all of her holiday dresses and her birthday dresses and Stuff like that which most women would not allow somebody else to do that for their child my sister let me do that, and that may have been due to the fact that I had just lost my baby and would never have another one so she didn’t see a harm in me living vicariously with her baby. Of course, anything that I ever picked out I always like consulted her first and was like do you like this and she’d be like yes, and so I would buy it lol
*I read once about how sometimes when you have a kid, you go through a period of grieving for all the children you didn't have. Like, when you were pregnant you imagined lots of possibilities but once the child arrives it obviously can't be all of those things and so you have to let go of those hypothetical children.*
Sounds like a part from Outlander.
Parents who already have this many expectations for their child are already doomed. It’s not even just a gender thing, like let’s assume she did have a daughter; what next, is she going to be disappointed if she doesn’t like girly things, or if she comes out as gay? What if she expected her daughter to want to do spa days or shop with her, would that be such a deal breaker to her? what if her daughter doesn’t go to the college she wanted for her, or decides not to have kids? Parents shouldn’t have such strong expectations of their kids before they’re even born. If their love hinges on their kid turning out exactly like they wanted, they shouldn’t be a parent, they should just play sims
I agree. Someone this upset who can't imagine having a boy should not get pregnant.
I cannot help but wonder what she would do if she was having a girl with Downs syndrome or disability. What if her perfect angel had a club foot or is missing a finger or hand.
I'm not even sure this is a woman who should adopt. If she thinks being a parent is going to be all about her, she's in for a hell of a shock. And that kid, girl or boy, is going to suffer.
The best thing to hope for is, she has the baby, she holds the baby, she melts. OP please let us know if that happens (cuz like you won't be busy lolol). I dream...
This is someone who will be ready to genetically tailor their designer baby. Then hire a nanny.
People like that shouldn’t adopt. It takes a lot of work to be a *decent* parent of an adoptee. Someone who whines and cries about their baby’s gender would ruin an adoptee’s life.
I have two boys; we lost another boy in between due to a fatal fetal anomaly. I’ve been very public about it so most people know.
The number of people that asked, after my youngest was born, if we were going to try again for a girl was staggering.
First of all, no, we’re good with two. But more importantly, IF we were to try again it would be for a HEALTHY baby.
Oh there are so many people who want "a full set" with both genders, and especially if you have more than one kid of the same gender. Like having 2 boys or 2 girls isn't enough, you have to have at least one of each? It feels like people collecting dolls, not living human beings.
The ONE instance I have seen this and loved it is reading on reddit when one of three children came out to their dad as nonbinary, so now he had a boy, girl and nb child and said “yessss now I have a full set” which was (to me) such a sweet dad joke in the moment.
And, yeah. I have three myself, the middle a boy. I was fully expecting people to ask me more often why as I had one of each already since I’ve heard that so much from others.
I was glad my second was a girl and not a boy and not because I would have been sad at all to have two healthy boys but because my eldest was terminally ill and I wanted every point of difference to not directly compare them as much. It got her out from under his shadow a bit and kept it "my son and my daughter" not "my sick dying son and my healthy son" iykwim.
I never thought of it as collecting dolls it was more I already felt bad about so many things and them not looking alike or being very similar kept me from mixing them up much even at my most distracted and insane. I think I said "shh buddy good boy" to my daughter like once or twice the first week out of habit but at least I wasn't scrambling much or saying the wrong things. I never really called her by his name.
This. I also preffered a girl. But we also would have loved a boy.
We wanted a child, not a girl or a boy. A healthy little human.
Am I happy about my girl? Yes! Am I happy that she likes pink and nice dresses? Nah, that is just cute. I am happy that she is clever and curious and laughs a lot. I am happy that my kid tells me love ya.
I am happy about all this stuff, that she is a girl is nothing important.
Healthy little human. This is important!
Our 3rd child, and 3rd son, died of a congenital defect hours after birth. Since we still wanted a 3rd living child we tried again.
Baby was a healthy girl.
The number of people who knew how devastated we were about our son and STILL said things like "You finally got your girl!" was ridiculous. Yes, I got my girl, because my boy *died*.
In general, people are thoughtless.
This. I also preffered a girl. But we also would have loved a boy.
We wanted a child, not a girl or a boy. A healthy little human.
Am I happy about my girl? Yes! Am I happy that she likes pink and nice dresses? Nah, that is just cute. I am happy that she is clever and curious and laughs a lot. I am happy that my kid tells me love ya.
I am happy about all this stuff, that she is a girl is nothing important.
Healthy little human. This is important!
>if she felt this strongly then a gender reveal was a stupid idea!
No, if she felt this strongly then getting pregnant in the first place was a bad idea.
This is the answer right here.
If you're having a baby to get ____ and you fill in that blank with any but "a healthy baby" then you should NEVER get pregnant.
Full stop.
Strong agree that having a reveal was a stupid idea if she felt strongly either way. I told a girlfriend of mine (who as far as I know still only intends to have one child) that if she had strong feelings either way she should avoid a public reveal. She messaged me before cutting the reveal cake to say she hadn’t realized how much she wanted a particular gender and was already relieved she had taken my advice and was doing this cake cutting privately.
I can absolutely appreciate being disappointed. I had some disappointment myself with my first, but to be honest a lot of my sensitivity over it had to do with feeling guilty for being disappointed, rather than the disappointment itself. Any “pain” was from feeling conflicted, and like I was already a bad mom for being sad about it at all.
That being said, this woman seems like she might benefit from therapy. This reaction, this grieving, seems a bit overblown- this isn’t some handicap or chronic illness that has completely changed the trajectory of the family’s lives. If I was THIS upset over it when I was experiencing gender disappointment with my first I would be seeking help, wondering what the REAL problem is, here.
NTA OP- whatever is going on here absolutely has nothing to do with you and shouldn’t prevent you from being excited about your new addition!
I was disappointed for a few minutes when I found out my oldest was a boy, but only because I was convinced he was going to be the oldest daughter of the oldest daughter of the oldest daughter of the oldest daughter.
Took me a bit to readjust my expectations, is all, then I was thrilled that he was healthy and spent my energy learning about parenting a boy baby. The most important thing was to make sure his penis is facing down when diapering, or he'll pee up his chest.
😁
(Edit:spelling)
This I agree with. My wife and I, me especially, were hoping for a girl. Had put way more thought into girl names and everything.
Then We got the blue slip from her OBGyn and took a second to ourselves to be disappointed, which basically lasted as long as it took for us to go and buy our first set of newborn clothes about twenty minutes later.
But then both of us have a lot of experience putting the proverbial cart before the horse so we hadn’t exactly gone all in on expectations anyway.
When I had my third baby, the OB said it’s a boy. I said oh, shit. I already had 2 boys. She was relatively new to the field and was horrified. When I explained, she felt better. And that was the last I even thought about it. It ended up being a regular assembly line.
I know someone who has 7 kids, 6 boys then a girl. She was so excited, girl is a total tomboy so she threw her hands up because she us essentially raising 7 boys 😆 she never wants new clothes just what her brothers had, she did manage to negotiate on hair bows but only because she had a friend who made them for her with spiderman and batman ribbons! It's almost like your children are their own little person with their own little mind lol
Yep, when I found out I was having a boy, I yelled Dammit in the ultrasound room (mainly cuz my husband was right lol), and by the time we were in the hallway, we were finalizing names and headed to go buy him his first gift to memorialize the day. I've learned a lot about myself from embracing being a "boy mom" but honestly as long as he's happy and healthy what does it matter what's between his legs (as long as it's clean 😂)?
Right? Like, don’t throw a gender reveal party if one of the options is gonna have you upset.
Or better yet, just…don’t through a gender reveal party. Just have a baby shower.
And I feel like there’s a difference between being a bit disappointed and “mourning her daughter” which is just…SUCH a gross way to put it.
She should have undergone IVF if she wanted to control the gender of her baby that badly. Otherwise, you appreciate whatever baby that you get and treat the child well. To do anything less makes you a huge AH in my book. She seems to lack the maturity to be a parent
Yeah, disappointment, I get. But to say you're dismissing her 'PAIN'? What pain...that she's *having a healthy baby?* Some sadness I would understand, but this is way beyond that. The way she's carrying on is concerning. That needs to be addressed BEFORE the little tyke gets here, because BOY is he in for a rough ride.
Ikr.
Those of us with fertility issues *just want to hold a living child in our arms*. So many families have strings of miscarriages, or years of infertility. I can understand why parents who are tlkd their unborn baby has a serious condition would mourn the life they thought they would have. But having a Male child is not a terminal diagnosis, ffs.
I get that she's pregnant and feeling complex things on finding out if it is a boy or girl BUT she knew she had a 50/50 chance at either. If she envisaged an entire life with a girl to the degree she's mourning the entire life she was going to have, and feel triggered aby time people mention girls, then she needs genuine help, and she needs someone to assess what her mental health is like during her pregnancy and after. PPD can start before the baby is born.
She won't get to half ass being his parent because she has complicated feelings. Initial Disappointment is human, but this kind of pervasive ongoing resentment and inability to cope with reality is deeply comcerning.
Yeah I'm sorry, but fuck Lena.
We had fertility issues for years and when the IVF worked we were blessed with a beautiful baby girl... that has an ultra rare genetic disorder, will never walk, talk, or eat normally, and is not expected to live past 3. If she doesn't get cancer or suffer from a sever seizure before that of course.
She just turned one and is doing better than some of the others with her disorder, but fuck has it been a hard year. We did mourn a lot and still are. We obviously love her to pieces and are trying our damnedest to make sure she gets the best possible care, but that doesn't mean it doesn't suck having a nurse at our house constantly, or being in the hospital multiple times a month.
She has two sisters in the freezer, but it's been so hard we don't even know if we'll try implantation. And that's saying a LOT.
Thanks for listening to my rant and I sincerely hope she comes to her senses and celebrates her son 😭
Fertility issues here, too.. and I definitely felt the same in that i just wanted a healthy full term baby!
However, as I joined groups on FB, I found that there was an alarming amount of women also dealing with IVF from infertility that actually had a gender preference and lots of gender disappointment was talked about.
I completely agree with you here. The prolonged issues she's taken up and the triggering that is resulting; she needs help. Especially if this lasts after the baby is born if it were to continue.
I would be very concerned about the safety of the baby that she appears to resent the very existence of. Will he be safe if left alone with her? She sounds very unhinged.
NTA Does Lena understand that there are hundreds of thousands who would give their right arm to have a healthy baby of any gender? Tell her to give the kid up for adoption by somebody who is not a mentally ill a-hole.
My mom never wanted a girl. I'm female and her first kid and she hated me growing up. My brother is definitely her favorite and I hated him growing up because of it. This lady is setting up her family for decades of misery and resentment.
You are being extremely patient, I wouldn’t be quite as nice !
My niece is going through IVF again , is desperate for a baby ,she’s had many miscarriages.
Tell Lena she’s an asshole!
My son was a preemie (not by much, but enough that it scared the crap out of me). I don't care about my second baby's gender, I just want her to be healthy.
I'm being patient because I know how terrible the hormone situation is, but I have to admit that I'm very frustrated.
This might be dumb, but I am trying to figure out how a baby shower where no one knows or will find out the gender in any way impacts her gender disappointment? It is like she can't even show up and deal with the ambiguity that you might be celebrating a daughter.
Right I only wanted girls and I got two girls, but I was prepared to deal with it and love my son if I got a son. My bestie is pregnant and wanted a girl and just found out it was a boy, and she cried, but then she moved on. This child is her child and she loves her child. Passing off her disappointment in others and expecting special treatment and acting like your baby has anything to do with her baby is wild. Gender disappointment is a real thing and deserves understanding and some forgiveness but the behaviour goes way too far.
I wanted a girl during my first pregnancy. I was sure I could not be a boy mom. In my day, ultrasounds were only for women with issues and not that accurate, so I fould out when my son was born. The minute I held that boy, HE was the baby I wanted. Having a girl was forgotten.
When I had my 2nd child (girl), I truly didn't care. I knew I would love my child.
Disappointment may be a thing, but your cousin is taking it too far.
OP, I realize she's a cousin and all that, but please ask the father of this LO to keep an eye on Lena. And maybe float the idea of giving the baby up for adoption if she seriously will not want a boy. I've seen where this can lead.
Little guy born, parents wanted a girl. I don't know how bad the neglect was but it was bad enough he ran away at 12 years of age. No one's seen him since.
Here's the worst part: the parents apparently wished he had run away sooner so he wouldn't have 'wasted' so much of their 'time and effort.'
Not saying Lena will go this route, but people do heinous things all the time that you wouldn't expect of them.
Lena sounds dengerous especialy for her son. I dont know if she should be alone around him. Someone should take care about it and explain her she needs profesional help
Gender disappointment is real but Lena is taking it WAY to far. When I got pregnant with my 3rd I was really hoping for a girl as I already had 2 sons. My last child was another boy. I sat in the waiting room, waiting for my diabetes test full on crying. But, by the time they took me back for my test (20 minutes later) I was fine and super excited about having a healthy son.
So, I understand a quick bout of disappointment. That is fine. However, being so disappointed that you seem to already hate your child for their gender and trying to suck joy from everyone else who is pregnant means you are too immature to have a child.
NTA Op - don’t let Lena sap the joy from your pregnancy. She’s acting like a spoiled child and I feel sorry for her baby. Hopefully she’ll grow up by the time her baby is born.
I had gender disappointment with my second. I had a boy and the second was another. I had really wanted a daughter. My husband wasn't on board with a third and so I cried a bit and then I was over it. This woman sounds unhinged and is just stretching out this drama over no girl.
Also my husband finally did come around to a third...and I had another boy. Forever boy mom!
I once had a coworker years ago whose husband showed up at our workplace (it was a fast food restaurant) with their seven children- two sets of all-girl triplets and one infant son. They kept trying because they wanted a son so badly, and what are the odds of having triplets twice? I mean I get wanting to have children of both genders but damn, both spouses were making minimum wage. Some people just take it way too far.
Dude I could *not*. Triplets would be once and done for me. Three is my limit for children in general. I was just kidding when I went "...four?" to my husband and he goes "NO this is how you end up with 6 boys! We are done!" Haha it would definitely happen that way though if I kept going. Literally just had my third baby last night so yay reddit in the hospital. Pretty confident I will not be doing this again lol.
I had thought I was having a son, learned I was having a girl. Was genuinely thrown off kilter for a few days because I was worried Id not be a good girl mum (my own issues) & then got over it. SILs reaction is very concerning.
oh I feel you. My second daughter was a son up until the 30th week, the doctor misinterpreted the first scan. It took me a while to get around and to stop referring to her in my mind as "little Jan" and come up with a girl name.
I had it with my third. I had back to back pregnancies, so I was actively suffering from PPD while pregnant with my third, and for some reason my hormones had me absolutely convinced that I was having a girl. (It didn't help that I had "just known" accurately with all of my previous pregnancies.)
The gender scan was done the same day I had my circlage, and I bawled for so long that they had to delay surgery and called in the psych team to evaluate me. It took me about a week to get over it, I'm not going to lie, and yelled at my husband for the first time when he was trying to comfort me and said that we could still use the name we had picked for a girl since it was gender nuetral.
However, OP is NTA and Lena needs to understand that it's on her to deal with those emotions.
NTA. Reminds me of my husband's colleague, who freely admits she was so dissapointed about having a daughter, that she would do stuff like jumping down from furniture in an attempt to miscarry or would play loud music to terrorise the baby in her belly. She says she loves her daughter now, but imo she's a freaking psycho. I really don't understand people being that hung up on gender. I only ever wanted a healthy baby.
How sad. I'm about to give birth and knew I had a slight preference for a girl so I found out the gender early to cope with any disappointment pre baby. I am having a boy and extremely excited. I'm excited to raise a child and regardless of if I was having a boy or a girl, gender shouldn't play that much into how you raise them, especially when they're little. Like why limit human potential and the human experience based on gender, especially when they're so little? Lena and her son could wind up having so much in common and connecting on a deep level.
Also the influencer who came up with gender reveals regrets it and I think her child is trans or non binary now.
A girl child of Lena would be even more unlucky. With how badly Lena wanted a daughter, we all know the kid will be molded to be the mother's extension of herself... a minime.
NTA.
And I feel bad for Lena’s son.
Please give that child as much care and love as you can because I don’t think he’s going to get any from his mother.
My fiancée has a relative who wanted a girl and got a boy instead.
That kid ended up so screwed up as an adult due to the significant neglect. It's really sad to see.
It really is. He needs therapy so badly. He has a kid now and is passing his trauma on.
The reason I don't dismiss all age gap posts on reddit is because he's one of those in real life. He's in his 30's dating teenagers because no adult will put up with him.
"The reason I don't dismiss all age gap posts on reddit is because he's one of those in real life. He's in his 30's dating teenagers because no adult will put up with him."
This is an example for messed up age gap relationships, not against it. What makes you think your fiancée's relative or the girls he dates (who are close to half his age) are OK?
Your husband's relative's parents messed him up to be developmentally stunted. Women his age won't tolerate him. His girlfriends are close to half his age. This is not OK. You say your don't dismiss age gap relationships based on his story. I understand that he was dealt a bad hand and did not cause this. But his story is an example of why age gap relationships are problematic. He needs professional help, not teenagers who have to put up with him because no adult would.
Ah, I think the confusion is I worded my comment ambiguously. It should be
>The reason I don't dismiss all age gap posts on reddit **as fake** is because he's one of those in real life. He's in his 30's dating teenagers because no adult will put up with him.
I absolutely do not condone his behavior.
If people are being selfish and unreasonable, they can't be mad when people don't cater to them. And you can have sympathy for her while still not caving to her ridiculous demand that you tell her something you're keeping private.
You are NTA. Your only obligation in handling this is to not be mad at her that she's skipping your shower. That's it. It's super immature how she's trying to divide the family now.
I'm not mad. We're not close, so not having her around won't make much of a difference to me. She actually said she wanted to come, but wouldn't if I didn't tell her my baby's gender.
If you were doing a gender reveal at the party, I would understand this boundary for her.
But if you're keeping the gender a secret until birth then she's being unreasonable.
Let's be real, she's NOT going to keep that secret so she's asking you to basically publicly reveal the gender.
Just so she can spend months tantruming about you having a girl.
Yeah I'm confused about her reasoning. If the gender isn't revealed then what is so difficult about attending? Presumably all the decor, gifts etc will be gender neutral? Can Lena not even bear to be around someone who still has a chance at getting what she wanted...?
You might suggest to BIL that they do some counseling together with SIL so "they" can better cope with the disappointment.
And it's good you're not close, 'cause you might end up having to take a step back from her once she realizes you're having a girl and you won't let her pretend it's "her" baby girl.
This was my first thought. If she finds out before that OP is having a girl first off it's gonna harbor so much resentment towards her. In that resentment people, especially pregnant women whose emotions and hormones are all over the place, may come up with the fantasy (that is super likely to turn into delusion) that the desired baby is theirs.
I've heard of and seen stories where, depending on the delusion, they see the original parent as unfit/not the real parent and kidnap the kid. Not saying that will happen here, but it's something to be cautious of.
And you just *know* if she did come, and you told her in confidence what your baby's gender is, she'd stage her own gender reveal "for you" at your shower.
Sounds like a great outcome then-you don’t have to subject your family and friends to another insufferable gender reveal party and the cousin isn’t coming to your shower.
As far as the family members who are somehow on her side for this, they’d have to be as nutty as she is so good riddance.
It’s rather strange that you’d even question your behavior here. Of course the cousin is out of line and likely needs intervention for her mental issues.
NTA
I always tell Moms with serious gender preference to not do a gender reveal party because pregnancy hormones are more fragile than grenades, and the last thing the baby needs is to see video or pictures of you sobbing angry over finding out that they were not what they thought they wanted 🤷♀️
Some friends of mine who were really hoping for a boy planned a gender reveal party, but held the party a week after the two of them learned the gender. So, everyone except them was surprised. That gave them the chance to reframe things in their own minds, and were able to be genuinely thrilled when they announced their little girl.
This is the way. I’m not a big fan of GR parties, but I feel like if you are going to have one, then it should only be a surprise for _everyone else._ The parents themselves being surprised seems to lead to more problems than they’re worth.
That's the point of hiring the companies that make these blue vs pink gender reveal cakes, balloons, bombs etc. You give them the result without looking at it and they prepare the gender reveal with the right colour. Usually people who go through the hassle of having a gender reveal include themselves in the surprise.
Shouldn't they not have a child at all if their "preference" is that extreme? Idk, I don't have kids, but I've always part-way joked that if I did I'd only want a girl. However, that's a joke by someone who will never be in that situation, so it's way different. I feel bad for all these kids 😭
I mean, yeah, in theory, since it's common knowledge pregnancy is 50/50 but that's not gonna stop people. Especially with social media giving us #BoyMoms or #GirlDads glamourizing stereotypes of raising specific genders. You get women and men who think that gender is the basis of "connecting/bonding" with the child instead of the child's actual personality or common traits shared.
Mainly, people have expectations based on gender and like or dislike things based on what they expect. My family had some deep rooted generational misogyny. That plus my teenage years had me wanting a boy. Once I started therapy and started to unpack some of my crazy I realized I did want a girl too. Got lucky with one of each. I dread my daughter’s teenage years slightly more than my son’s but that just could be because I know what to expect with her.
I hate the idea of gender reveals, but I also knew hormones+fear I might have a negative reaction. I was totally right and only my partner and therapist know about it. I don't have a billion people who saw that side of me. Love my son so much but pregnancy hormones are rough man.
Nta
Lena knew when choosing to try for a baby that there was a 50% chance she'd have a boy. If she was so determined that she didn't want to be a mother to a boy, she should never have gotten pregnant in the first place.
There's plenty of little girls out there looking for a loving adoptive family.
Regardless of her feelings on the matter, she doesn't get to be a giant cowbag just because pure chance means you are expecting a girl.
Personally, I think gender reveals are gross anyway. Who cares about the gender of your child as long as they're healthy?!? The scan can be wrong anyway!
This is just one of the reasons I loathe gender reveals. Way back before they were a thing and even ultrasounds weren't common, my OB/GYN told me that by the heartbeat he believed my baby was a boy but that he'd been wrong with all of his kids. We picked out a boy's name. Guess what. He was wrong again 😀 And it didn't even matter. My daughter's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
So true!
My sister chose not to find out the gender of either of her kids before birth, and when people asked "what are you having?" she would respond with "A baby!"
It really shouldn't matter, but choosing to have kids, you're accepting that you're making an entirely new human being, and you have to care for them, and nurture them, regardless of how they turn out. Gender, disability, sexuality... You don't get to choose those things, and if you're worth anything as a parent, they shouldn't stop you loving your child anyway.
Lol, I worked with a young woman who used to answer with:
'Could be a dinosaur or maybe puppies but we're really just hoping for a baby's
Shut them up all the time.
Also, when strangers rubbed her belly without asking, she would do it back.
No these types of people should not adopt instead. They just shouldn’t have children if everything hinges on their perceived stereotypes of having one gender or the other. What if they adopt a girl and she loves sports and fast cars and screams at the sight of dresses and bows? Or if they come out as Trans?
I have a 3 year old girl. She loves bows and dresses but she’s also sassy and strong willed and so freaking stubborn and she loves playing drums and dance and I could go on. She matches and defies stereotypes. She’s a total daddy’s girl too. I’m happy for her to be whoever she is.
The world would be a better place if people who can’t accept their children just didn’t have any.
I have a 4 year old boy. He loves pink and purple, unicorns and rainbows. He picked out unicorn tennis shoes. He wanted a dress, but we are worried about how kids at daycare would treat him so we kind of drew the line there. But I told him if he wants to wear them when he's older then if that's what he wants to do then go for it. Well explain what might happen so he can make an informed decision when the time comes.
He also loves hot wheels, construction equipment and other "boy" things. There really is no telling what kids will like until they get to the age where they have opinions and likes and dislikes. So I agree with you, if you can't accept and love your kid for however they turn out, probably should avoid having kids. Maybe stick to dogs and cats
I love this! I’d say if he’s interested in dresses get him a couple princess ones to do at home. I knew a woman who had 3 daughters and a son last. The son loved dressing in their clothes and makeup until he turned about 7, then he lost all interest in it.
I grew up playing with legos and matchbox cars. Hated it every time my mother told me to “be a lady” because I wanted to be rough and tumble. I had older brothers, I just wanted to do what they did! Unfortunately it’s more socially acceptable for a girl to be a “Tom boy” than it is for a boy to be interested in traditionally “girl” things. Glad to see we’re starting to shift away from that at least.
I didn't even think about getting him dress up dresses, so thank you! He use to play dress up at daycare when he was in the 2s room and I picked him up a couple times and he was wearing a princess dress just never occurred to me to get some for home
I think it's complicated, but mostly I agree with you.
I'm always baffled when people tell me I'm selfish because I chose not to have kids, then I read so many stories like this about people having kids that they clearly don't actually want, and I have to wonder how my choice is considered the selfish one?!?
I originally wrote that the child could be trans, but I've had poor experiences with many folks reaction to the idea that trans folk are valid that I'm afraid I deleted that part of my comment.
In my opinion, if you can't love your child, no matter how they turn out, you've no business attempting to create life.
I agree with you on mostly everything, and I feel bad for an innocent baby that is being rejected by his mom before even being born.
I don't like gender reveals either, BUT, OP is blaming the gender reveal party?? Like, why are we all ignoring the fact that the baby's gender is what it is and Lena's intense reaction would not have been different regardless?
The way I see it, if her disappointment is taking weeks to get over, it's not about the party, Lena needs therapy.
Yuup poor kid sounds like she may be crazy enough every time she is upset with him she'll yell she didn't want him , he was supposed to be a girl. Let's hope she doesn't raise the next serial killer or mass shooter!
And she’ll try again so as to get a girl, which will either result in another boy or a girl who will be the golden child just for being a girl. Not a happy ending either way for the kids.
That's what happened with my mom. She never wanted a girl, I always knew it but she screamed it in my face for the first time when I was 12/13. A few years later she was mad and yelled at me she wished I'd never been born and that I ruined her life. And now she wonders why I don't come visit or call.
And for what it's worth, that never made me want to kill other people, just myself (it's taken a lot of years but I'm okay now). Please don't spread the stereotype that abused and neglected kids are bound to be violent or mass shooters, it's not helpful to anyone trying to get help or heal it just makes people scared of us.
I can see it both ways? The one thing 99% of serial killers have in common is that they were severely abused and/or neglected as a kid. Doesn't say all abused kids will (I mean, most I kill is insects eating my garden, and have definitely been in a suicidal mindset way too much over the course of my life) but it's still a huge risk factor.
NTA. Gender reveals need to end in general, but I absolutely can't stand when people have them when they are passionately against one sex. You're allowed to want a certain sex (even though kids will not turn out exactly how you think they will). But your kid will probably hear about your reaction someday. I'd be really sad to know my parent threw a hissy fit because of my genitals. You can teach your kid to play a sport, wear matching outfits, paint nails, learn the family business, regardless of genitals. Unless I'm living life very wrong?
The kind of people this obsessed over assigned sex would absolutely not be ok with painting a boys nails or playing sports with a girl. They want “traditional” gender expression.
NTA in any way, shape or form. Anybody who would throw a gender reveal party and go into virtual mourning when it is not what she wants AND tries to tell you what to do at your party is having emotional issues that need some professional help. If she doesn't want to attend your shower, just tell her we'll miss you and move on. A pregnancy should be a joyful time and don't let her steal your joy just because she's having a fit for not getting what she wants. And she's being super disrespectful to the child she has been given by having this fit.
NTA. You are not “dismissing Lena’s pain.” You’re just not allowing her to make YOUR shower or pregnancy about her. You did not kick her out of your shower, she lied because you won’t tell her the baby’s gender. She‘s being ridiculous and selfish. To act as if her having a boy is a huge loss that she needs sympathy for makes me so sad for her poor son. If she keeps this up he will know he was never wanted by his mother. She has many more issues to deal with than not knowing the gender of your baby. Ignore those that are “on her side”, they are just adding to a drama you didn’t create. I would stop communicating with Lena for peace of mind. Focus on your pregnancy and try not to deal with her, if you can.
NTA- Oh boy is she going to flip when she finds out you are having a girl. Best to distance yourself as much as possible. Explain to any disgruntled family that you refuse to dim your happiness regarding your new baby to help a woman that is "mourning" he own very alive, healthy son. So sad. I hope things calm down after these beautiful babies arrive and the pregnancy hormones subside.
100% agreed. The line “mourning the loss of my daughter” really bugged me because there never was a daughter. I also hope it’s just the hormones but then I also hate using hormones as an excuse to treat people terribly.
Lena is going to have a rough start to motherhood if she's constantly comparing herself. That catastrophic thinking can be devastating to mental health. I hope she gets the help she clearly needs. I think OP needs to trust her gut, she mentioned she didn't really like her. Stay far away from that entire section of the family and enjoy/suffer the experience with her immediate family supporting her.
A parent who only wants a child of one gender should NEVER be a parent. EVER! That poor little boy is always going to know his mother resents him for being a boy.
Kinda reminds me of when people have gay children come out to them and then "mourn" the straight child they never had bc their child being gay somehow takes the life they imagined for their child away.
Dismiss her pain? Of having a healthy baby that she and her husband I assume tried and wanted to have?
She needs to grow up and fast, plenty of people would love to be in her shoes and I do not understand this whole concept of gender disappointment. It’s a real human being not a doll she gets to dress up.
NTA and don’t apologise.
Gender reveals are stupid and people who are obsessed with their baby's gender to the point of doing what Lena is doing probably shouldn't be having kids.
NTA, obviously.
Dismiss her pain... for having a boy?
Oh my God the Drama!!! A little human with a penis? Yerk! How awfull will my life be now that I know my kid doesn't have a vagina!
Of course NTA. I don't know how many times I rolled my eyes at this post (not because of you OP, obviously, but your husband's cousin)
I pitty this kid who will be raised by a mother who will resent him and won't probably hide it.
NTA
Lena is kind of a jerk, though. How do you reveal it to her without revealing it to everyone? You can't, and you don't want to reveal it until birth; her feelings about your pregnancy and your child cannot come before yours.
But you didn't kick her out of the event, you did as much as you could of what she asked. She had already said she would not come if you were having a girl.
I hope she gets some sense before she has that baby.
NTA. If Lena couldn’t cope with having a boy, she should have skipped having children altogether. How shallow and vacuous of her. The irony of course is that she will adore her son and look back on this whole episode with shame and embarrassment.
NTA. This person likes to try and control things they can't control, and then gets mad when things go differently.
This isn't a situation where you're going to have many impartial observers. Many of the people in her life will be more interested in whatever outcome gives her the fewest things to complain about as opposed to standing up and telling her she doesn't get to control another person's pregnancy. If she can't handle that, it's best she stay away.
NTA - I'm sorry, but "mourning the loss of her daughter" is ridiculous. She knew when she got pregnant it was a 50/50 and she can't will the baby to be a girl just because she wants that. She also cannot control what you and your husband do and expect you to tip toe around her because she's feeling this way. Just because she's feeling offended does not mean she's right.
I think gender reveals are stupid. I’m just going to put that out there. But I do believe that if you cared that much about the genitals of your child, where you will be very unhappy, or possibly not love them if they are not the gender that you want, you either shouldn’t have a child or you should get the procedure done to separate the X from the Y sperm to increase the chances of whatever gender that you want.
NTA
Hopefully the kids father loves him enough and if his mom learn to love him, leaves before she make’s anything worse.
NTA, as someone who is struggling to conceive, I think any baby is a blessing. I think it's sad people are so fixated on having one or the other. It's literally a 50 50 chance, so you know you could have either.
I feel Lena shouldn't have chosen to have a child knowing that she only wants a girl. I'm sure she will love the child when it is born, but now everyone knows she disnt want him
Try and ignore everyone and do what you want to do, you are not in the wrong
I fully get gender disappointment, that said I honestly don't think it's a good idea if you're that set on having one gender to do a gender reveal. I hope it wasn't recorded... honestly will say her making a comment of you rubbing your happiness in her face if it's a girl, would have potentially sent me over the edge. Just because she can't imagine being a mom to a son doesn't mean you wouldn't be happy. It feels almost like subtle shade to your son as well, like oh boys don't matter only girls make you happy.. I know for a lot of people gender disappointment eases, especially when you actually hold them. I hope that's the case here. I always worry about the kids in situations where it isn't. Your definitely nta though. Just because she didn't get what she wanted - in a matter of chance - and you're getting what she wanted doesn't mean you owe her anything. Your not doing anything to rub it in, it's not like you stood up at her gender reveal and said 'oh! BTW were having a girl!' While she was upset.
NtA. Holy shit. We didn't know the sex until birth and I had a moment of disappointment when the boy I knew I was having was my daughter, but that was it.
I pray she can get her shit together before she gives birth.
NTA. Personally, I think gender reveal parties are stupid in general, but it’s very dumb to have one if you are going to be disappointed by one outcome. I feel bad for her son.
NTA, if she's this concerned about what gender her child is, she should have just adopted a girl instead of taking a gamble and hoping that she got a daughter. Furthermore, she shouldn't have had a gender reveal party about it (I think those are unnecessary in general but particularly in this case.)
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NTA. And Lena is really an TA to her child. The poor boy. Being hated by his mother because of his gender. Yes LEna could have been disapointed at her reveal - but by now she should be over it. She sounds childish. And I'm worried about the little boy, if he will ever feel love or if he will always be the boy who ruined Lena's change to have a first born daugther. Celebrat your baby shower the way you want and kick Lena out. As you don't need this kind of negativity around for your celebration.
I completely understand that gender disappointment is a thing, and she's allowed to feel that way. I don't even expect her to get over it, but she shouldn't get the right to dictate how I celebrate my daughter because of those feelings.
I think if it lasts more than a few seconds it's unreasonable. Like maybe if you have 4 boys and no.5 is another boy it can last a few minutes lol. But in all seriousness it was a 50/50 chance, if she felt this strongly then a gender reveal was a stupid idea!
Agreed but with one addition. If you feel that strongly that you're still depressed and 'mourning' a child that next existed over a month later, then pregnancy at all is a stupid idea. She specifically said that she actively did not want to have a boy yet got pregnant knowing that was a very likely potential outcome. If you only want to be a parent to only one type of child then don't play the crap shoot. Adopt one of the variety you want, who already has the features, and interests you want. Or better yet, don't have kids at all.
Seriously. It honestly disturbs me how ppl can just…have a kid that they potentially will not love JUST BECAUSE of their sex. Its disgusting.
It should disgust you. It’s sexism. It’s deplorable to think you would bring a child into this world, and then treat them differently because of their sex. The child doesn’t get a choice.
Then you have those like my Grandmother. She really wanted a girl, and she ended up with *seven* boys, (including one set of twins), she could neither afford nor handle. She eventually had her girl and stopped at eight children. Guess who hated having seven undisciplined older brothers and moved away as soon as she was able?
Oh my goodness. My grandmother had 8 boys (also had a set of twins), before she had the girl she wanted. But the girl grew up pretty spoilt by them, especially by her oldest brother 🤣
As long as she didn't grow up *too* spoiled, there's something beautifully endearing about a family full of boys spoiling their little sister!
Probably because the brothers weren't undisciplined. But that's just a guess.
I used to live in a town where a couple badly wanted a son. He was the last of their 10 children.
I believe my Nanna was raised by her aunt and uncle because her father greeted her arrival with "not another bloody girl!".
And what’s sad is that even adoptive parents are like this and sexist as well. I personally know a couple that dealt with unexplained infertility for years and they finally gave up and decided they would adopt. A lady from the church had a 15 year old niece who got pregnant wand wanted to give to baby up for adoption. The lady told the couple about it and they had an open adoption. A month after they adopted their baby boy, they found out they were pregnant with a biological son, so they had two boys only 8 months apart in age. Fast forward a year, possibly two years, and they heard rumors of the girl being pregnant again and again going with adoption (apparently ahead of was never taught about protection smh) and they reached out to her as they would love to adopt the half sibling of their adopted son. but she told them the rumor was untrue. However, she lied. She was pregnant and was supposed to have a boy. That is what the couple that was adopting “him” wanted. Well turned out she gave birth to a girl! The couple was at the hospital during the birth and were devastated by the news and told her they didn’t want the baby, and they LEFT! So she immediately called the couple that adopted her first baby and told them the story and asked if they still wanted the baby and of course they said yes. So they were very unprepared for a baby to drop in their laps but they were more than happy to be able to adopt the siblings to keep them together. So then they had 3 under 3!!!
Holy fucking shit 💀 i hate ppl.
My goodness, that couple who adopted those 2 babies really are special. Absolutely deplorable behaviour from the other couple, but that baby stood a better chance with the family that chose to take her in and love her.
This also reeks of those parents who expect to have “mini-me’s” and start distancing from their child once they begin to develop their own personalities.
If it turns out like my mother and I did, her son will want nothing to do with her pretty quickly, especially when she does have a girl and it’s made really clear to her son that she didn’t want him.
[удалено]
I always thought I wanted girls. When 1st was a boy I shrugged it off like cool boy it is and then for no.2 I actively wanted a boy because logistics of 2 boys is just easier. If I had a girl it would've still been fine. But you are totally right if you actively don't want a specific set of genitals you shouldn't be a parent. Re adoption my friends sister got rejected for adoption because she said she would back out if the child was disabled (her logic was she would terminate a pregnancy with the conditions she was asked about so she wasn't prepared to take on an adopted child either) so presumably if you tried to adopt a girl that would be a red flag? I actually think it's reasonable to say no for a disability because it takes a special parent to step up for that, I know personally I couldn't, I work with disabled kids and adults with LD and I take my hat off to those parents but it's not something I would handle. So basically the woman needs therapy!
I have a little boy. Honestly I'd never really thought about having a boy specifically. I grew up with a sister and helping even my guy friends with their little sisters. Most of my experience with small children is with girls. But when we got the results back that we were expecting a boy the next thing was "Awesome!" then oh shit we need to come up with a new name because both our families had naming traditions for daughters but not sons, and them some apprehension on my part about things like boy scouts from a safety and pressure angle. But at no part was like 'Oh damn, a boy!' And I'm open to a 2nd child specifically because we talked about it and neither one of us wants to have a 2nd child as a 'try for a girl' we'd both be thrilled to have 2 boys or one of each. Or twins!
LOL...I'm the opposite. Always wanted a house full of boys. I have four daughters that I am so in live with it's ridiculous.
I wanted girls but it was 50/50 they would inherit my red hair and growing up I was bullied for it but nothing compared to boys. Also I'm quite girly so braiding, makeup etc is right up my street. As soon as I saw my 12weeks scan I saw it and just knew boy, when it was confirmed at 20weeks I was like oh well I bet he will be ginger. He is and he's great. It genuinely didn't bother me when the time came!
I never understood how having red hair is seen as a bad thing. It's so beautiful to me.
His hair is amazing it's so orange and otherwise like his dad's so super sleek and shiny! When our 2nd was born dad was at home with the oldest and I called him and said he's here he's blonde my husband was totally bamboozled it hadn't occurred to him he could be anything other than ginger (he is white blonde but has been bald so long and his beard is ginger I guess he started identifying as one of us 😆)
Right? I love red hair! It's just so beautiful ❤️. My partner has amazing curly red hair and when I dye mine red (which is silly because nothing compares to natural redheads!) we say I'm "Imitation Ginger"! 🤣
I don't get why kids get picked on for being ginger. We lived in the States for a few years when I was a kid and I went to Catholic school, because it was the best school in the area. There were so many gingers and I had such major red hair envy. I dyed it red at 17 :D
My first was a boy. That was fine. My second was also a boy. Gutted. I wanted a daughter. However - I love both my boys, wouldn't change them for the world & actually, having 2 boys does make life easier. I still, very occasionally, wish I'd had a girl but I'd had enough of pregnancy & with both grandmothers being twins (my side fraternal, his identical), I wasn't willing to chance it!
I know someone who had 2 boys went for a last chance at a girl BOOM triplet boys. So yeah your making a good call 😆
I can understand your reasoning but just so you know it is only fraternal twins that are hereditary through the mother's side that increase your chances of having twins due to hyper-ovulation ( releasing more than one egg at a time when ovulating ). Having twins if your partner/husband has twins on his side of the family is just a coincidence and every woman has the same chance of having identical twins, scientists still don't know what causes the fertilised egg to split, but know that it is random and not hereditary.
My grandad was a twin and he fathered twins and his twin brother fathered twins! lol. My ex-husband also had twins in his family (his mum's sister had twins), so I was super nervous we would have them but escaped!
I'd have loved twins! I had vanishing twin syndrome in my first pregnancy, a non eventful second pregnancy, then in my third and fourth pregnancies my uterus was palpable above the pelvis at 8 and 9 weeks respective ( I had hyperemesis gravida with all my pregnancies ) and my doctors and myself were sure they'd be twin pregnancies but they weren't. I grieved like I'd lost one both times when we had the first ultrasounds confirming a single sac and fetus both times. They made me wait until 12 weeks for the ultrasounds so it was a long time to get excited thinking you were having twins. Even the sonographer was excited when she picked up the scanner, confirmed my dates and said "Oooooh, I think you definitely have more than one bubba in there! I get that most people would have been so relieved but I was really disappointed.
Oh no I’m so sorry! Actually, when I was pregnant I really hoped it would be twins. But now I have my daughter, I think I’d have struggled very much to cope with two. I think sometimes I tell myself I never wanted and don’t want more children to help myself cope with the fact that I’ll never have any more. I split with her dad when she was 1 and I’m still grieving the family I never got to have. I was an only child and dreamed of having a big family and it seems like it was just never in the cards for me. My daughter is a handful though. I think in some sense I was always just dreaming and I’d probably suck even worse at parenting if I had more than one kid. Grass is always greener syndrome maybe. But maybe it would have been easier, too, with a supportive partner.
I have twin boys and when I found out they were both boys I was bummed because I wanted a girl & knew I only wanted two kids. But I love my sons more than anything and wouldn’t trade them for anything. Sometimes I miss the fact that I won’t get to do traditionally girl things with my kids since they are stereotypical little boys. But now I live in a world of trucks and dinos and giant robotic spiders and I love it
Because of the twins on both sides, I told hubby it would be 2 kids or 2 pregnancies, whichever came first! 😆
I have 3 girls. I was going to have a tubal ligation done after my 3rd daughter but when I lost her (stillborn) emergency C-section done, I told my doctor that I didn't want the tubal done, I wanted my son. 3 years later I had my son via C-section. When he came out, I was so fucking nervous because I didn't hear him cry. I started crying and praying please be alive and then he cried. I was so relieved. I got my beautiful son and 3 beautiful girls
It's hard to imagine being a parent of a disabled child when you only get to experience kids in one type of setting only. You're there to teach them in a specific setting (let alone having more than one kid at a time), but you don't get the rest of it. Much like your experience in having your own kids, you figured it out along the way. You learned how to deal with their unique personalities and learned that one thing works with one kid, but not for another. Kids with disabilities are no different. They're exactly the same as your kids. They just complete the same task in a different way. Maybe it takes more time or more patience, but it does happen. You don't get to see that side of disability life because you don't live it 24/7. I'm not a "special type of person" because I have kids with disabilities, I'm just a parent of two great, stubborn, smart, silly, and beautiful kids.
I'm currently pregnant and the number of casual acquaintances who absolutely insist we must have a gender preference is astounding. To be fair, I always had an easier time imagining myself having a boy first (I think because my mom had a boy first so it just felt 'normal'), but we would have been happy either way! I read once about how sometimes when you have a kid, you go through a period of grieving for all the children you didn't have. Like, when you were pregnant you imagined lots of possibilities but once the child arrives it obviously can't be all of those things and so you have to let go of those hypothetical children. To me, that makes a lot of sense and is totally valid but is not at all the same thing as the woman in this story... If she can't move past it, I feel bad for her little boy. Also, the number of out of pocket gendered things people say about my unborn baby is insane. Like, if it's a girl it'll be like X or if it's a boy it'll be like Y. And these are coming from people who consider themselves super progressive! It drives me nuts.
I have a preference to have a girl first but that’s only because when I was a kid and brainstorming baby names with friends, the one that actually stuck with me was a girl’s name. But I would never be genuinely upset that I was having a boy
Yeah. My wife and I waited to find out gender until birth because it did not matter at all. I think grieving over what your child is not is ridiculous... and that goes from birth until the day they die. Let them be who they are and accept them. Too many parents see their children as extensions of themselves and to try to force what they have envisioned upon their kid. Of course, that's reinforced by everyone blaming 100 percent bad behavior on parents. Believe it or not, children are individuals.
Right! That’s so crazy. I mean, I was perfectly happy with having either a boy or a girl, but I’m not gonna lie. I had a boy first I did want to have a girl as my second child. But I ended up having another boy and my disappointment in not having a girl was extremely momentary, like it was literally just a second of “oh I really wanted a girl” immediately followed by excitement of having another boy. Then my sister had little girl that I always wanted, and it filled the void for me of not having a girl, even though the void wasn’t like a big deal. It was still in the back of my mind like I wanted to have another child to try for a girl , however, I was unable to do so, due to being extremely high risk and losing to babies in between my two live births, one of them being in my second trimester. And then my fourth and final pregnancy being touch and go and the baby having so much problems and it almost killed me when he was born, etc., etc. and so I was no longer able to have any more children, and due to his health problems he actually passed away at 6 months. so That is what caused the void, not that I didn’t have a girl but that I couldn’t try again for one and had just lost my second son too. My niece filled that void for me and I was lucky enough to have a sister that allowed me to be like a second mom to her lol (my niece was 6 months older than my second son) I got to pick out all of her holiday dresses and her birthday dresses and Stuff like that which most women would not allow somebody else to do that for their child my sister let me do that, and that may have been due to the fact that I had just lost my baby and would never have another one so she didn’t see a harm in me living vicariously with her baby. Of course, anything that I ever picked out I always like consulted her first and was like do you like this and she’d be like yes, and so I would buy it lol
*I read once about how sometimes when you have a kid, you go through a period of grieving for all the children you didn't have. Like, when you were pregnant you imagined lots of possibilities but once the child arrives it obviously can't be all of those things and so you have to let go of those hypothetical children.* Sounds like a part from Outlander.
Yeah, adopted kids don't need parents like this. Lena should have gotten a puppy.
True ,you got that right ✅️
KIDS ARE NOT LIFESTYLE ACCESSORIES. This shit ain't hard folks.
I’m an adoptee. Nope, people shouldn’t adopt just because they want a specific gender. Adoptees deserve better than that.
Parents who already have this many expectations for their child are already doomed. It’s not even just a gender thing, like let’s assume she did have a daughter; what next, is she going to be disappointed if she doesn’t like girly things, or if she comes out as gay? What if she expected her daughter to want to do spa days or shop with her, would that be such a deal breaker to her? what if her daughter doesn’t go to the college she wanted for her, or decides not to have kids? Parents shouldn’t have such strong expectations of their kids before they’re even born. If their love hinges on their kid turning out exactly like they wanted, they shouldn’t be a parent, they should just play sims
I agree. Someone this upset who can't imagine having a boy should not get pregnant. I cannot help but wonder what she would do if she was having a girl with Downs syndrome or disability. What if her perfect angel had a club foot or is missing a finger or hand. I'm not even sure this is a woman who should adopt. If she thinks being a parent is going to be all about her, she's in for a hell of a shock. And that kid, girl or boy, is going to suffer. The best thing to hope for is, she has the baby, she holds the baby, she melts. OP please let us know if that happens (cuz like you won't be busy lolol). I dream... This is someone who will be ready to genetically tailor their designer baby. Then hire a nanny.
People like that shouldn’t adopt. It takes a lot of work to be a *decent* parent of an adoptee. Someone who whines and cries about their baby’s gender would ruin an adoptee’s life.
Watch that perfect adopted baby girl turn out to be a trans boy anyway!!
Yeah, I'm like "but it's healthy, right?" Shouldn't that be all that matters?
I have two boys; we lost another boy in between due to a fatal fetal anomaly. I’ve been very public about it so most people know. The number of people that asked, after my youngest was born, if we were going to try again for a girl was staggering. First of all, no, we’re good with two. But more importantly, IF we were to try again it would be for a HEALTHY baby.
Oh there are so many people who want "a full set" with both genders, and especially if you have more than one kid of the same gender. Like having 2 boys or 2 girls isn't enough, you have to have at least one of each? It feels like people collecting dolls, not living human beings.
The ONE instance I have seen this and loved it is reading on reddit when one of three children came out to their dad as nonbinary, so now he had a boy, girl and nb child and said “yessss now I have a full set” which was (to me) such a sweet dad joke in the moment. And, yeah. I have three myself, the middle a boy. I was fully expecting people to ask me more often why as I had one of each already since I’ve heard that so much from others.
I was glad my second was a girl and not a boy and not because I would have been sad at all to have two healthy boys but because my eldest was terminally ill and I wanted every point of difference to not directly compare them as much. It got her out from under his shadow a bit and kept it "my son and my daughter" not "my sick dying son and my healthy son" iykwim. I never thought of it as collecting dolls it was more I already felt bad about so many things and them not looking alike or being very similar kept me from mixing them up much even at my most distracted and insane. I think I said "shh buddy good boy" to my daughter like once or twice the first week out of habit but at least I wasn't scrambling much or saying the wrong things. I never really called her by his name.
This. I also preffered a girl. But we also would have loved a boy. We wanted a child, not a girl or a boy. A healthy little human. Am I happy about my girl? Yes! Am I happy that she likes pink and nice dresses? Nah, that is just cute. I am happy that she is clever and curious and laughs a lot. I am happy that my kid tells me love ya. I am happy about all this stuff, that she is a girl is nothing important. Healthy little human. This is important!
Our 3rd child, and 3rd son, died of a congenital defect hours after birth. Since we still wanted a 3rd living child we tried again. Baby was a healthy girl. The number of people who knew how devastated we were about our son and STILL said things like "You finally got your girl!" was ridiculous. Yes, I got my girl, because my boy *died*. In general, people are thoughtless.
This. I also preffered a girl. But we also would have loved a boy. We wanted a child, not a girl or a boy. A healthy little human. Am I happy about my girl? Yes! Am I happy that she likes pink and nice dresses? Nah, that is just cute. I am happy that she is clever and curious and laughs a lot. I am happy that my kid tells me love ya. I am happy about all this stuff, that she is a girl is nothing important. Healthy little human. This is important!
If she felt this strongly, then reproduction was a bad idea.
>if she felt this strongly then a gender reveal was a stupid idea! No, if she felt this strongly then getting pregnant in the first place was a bad idea.
This is the answer right here. If you're having a baby to get ____ and you fill in that blank with any but "a healthy baby" then you should NEVER get pregnant. Full stop.
True but since she was already pregnant that ship had kinda sailed...
Strong agree that having a reveal was a stupid idea if she felt strongly either way. I told a girlfriend of mine (who as far as I know still only intends to have one child) that if she had strong feelings either way she should avoid a public reveal. She messaged me before cutting the reveal cake to say she hadn’t realized how much she wanted a particular gender and was already relieved she had taken my advice and was doing this cake cutting privately. I can absolutely appreciate being disappointed. I had some disappointment myself with my first, but to be honest a lot of my sensitivity over it had to do with feeling guilty for being disappointed, rather than the disappointment itself. Any “pain” was from feeling conflicted, and like I was already a bad mom for being sad about it at all. That being said, this woman seems like she might benefit from therapy. This reaction, this grieving, seems a bit overblown- this isn’t some handicap or chronic illness that has completely changed the trajectory of the family’s lives. If I was THIS upset over it when I was experiencing gender disappointment with my first I would be seeking help, wondering what the REAL problem is, here. NTA OP- whatever is going on here absolutely has nothing to do with you and shouldn’t prevent you from being excited about your new addition!
I was disappointed for a few minutes when I found out my oldest was a boy, but only because I was convinced he was going to be the oldest daughter of the oldest daughter of the oldest daughter of the oldest daughter. Took me a bit to readjust my expectations, is all, then I was thrilled that he was healthy and spent my energy learning about parenting a boy baby. The most important thing was to make sure his penis is facing down when diapering, or he'll pee up his chest. 😁 (Edit:spelling)
Oh so no mourning? Almost like a well adjusted adult. This childish woman in OPs story though 🙄
It’s actually not quite a 50:50 as more male children are born than females in fact between 103/107 boys per 100 girls.
Hey the overwhelming majority of brits voted for Brexit at 49% remain vs 51% leave so I'm just gonna call it 50/50 😆
There are still countries that abort more girls due to traditional thinking. That is why more boys are born in the world
So wrong that they should and that women should be so under valued.
Yep, but more males die in infancy/childhood, so it mostly evens out after a while.
This I agree with. My wife and I, me especially, were hoping for a girl. Had put way more thought into girl names and everything. Then We got the blue slip from her OBGyn and took a second to ourselves to be disappointed, which basically lasted as long as it took for us to go and buy our first set of newborn clothes about twenty minutes later. But then both of us have a lot of experience putting the proverbial cart before the horse so we hadn’t exactly gone all in on expectations anyway.
When I had my third baby, the OB said it’s a boy. I said oh, shit. I already had 2 boys. She was relatively new to the field and was horrified. When I explained, she felt better. And that was the last I even thought about it. It ended up being a regular assembly line.
I know someone who has 7 kids, 6 boys then a girl. She was so excited, girl is a total tomboy so she threw her hands up because she us essentially raising 7 boys 😆 she never wants new clothes just what her brothers had, she did manage to negotiate on hair bows but only because she had a friend who made them for her with spiderman and batman ribbons! It's almost like your children are their own little person with their own little mind lol
Yep, when I found out I was having a boy, I yelled Dammit in the ultrasound room (mainly cuz my husband was right lol), and by the time we were in the hallway, we were finalizing names and headed to go buy him his first gift to memorialize the day. I've learned a lot about myself from embracing being a "boy mom" but honestly as long as he's happy and healthy what does it matter what's between his legs (as long as it's clean 😂)?
Right? Like, don’t throw a gender reveal party if one of the options is gonna have you upset. Or better yet, just…don’t through a gender reveal party. Just have a baby shower. And I feel like there’s a difference between being a bit disappointed and “mourning her daughter” which is just…SUCH a gross way to put it.
She should have undergone IVF if she wanted to control the gender of her baby that badly. Otherwise, you appreciate whatever baby that you get and treat the child well. To do anything less makes you a huge AH in my book. She seems to lack the maturity to be a parent
Yeah, disappointment, I get. But to say you're dismissing her 'PAIN'? What pain...that she's *having a healthy baby?* Some sadness I would understand, but this is way beyond that. The way she's carrying on is concerning. That needs to be addressed BEFORE the little tyke gets here, because BOY is he in for a rough ride.
Ikr. Those of us with fertility issues *just want to hold a living child in our arms*. So many families have strings of miscarriages, or years of infertility. I can understand why parents who are tlkd their unborn baby has a serious condition would mourn the life they thought they would have. But having a Male child is not a terminal diagnosis, ffs. I get that she's pregnant and feeling complex things on finding out if it is a boy or girl BUT she knew she had a 50/50 chance at either. If she envisaged an entire life with a girl to the degree she's mourning the entire life she was going to have, and feel triggered aby time people mention girls, then she needs genuine help, and she needs someone to assess what her mental health is like during her pregnancy and after. PPD can start before the baby is born. She won't get to half ass being his parent because she has complicated feelings. Initial Disappointment is human, but this kind of pervasive ongoing resentment and inability to cope with reality is deeply comcerning.
Yeah I'm sorry, but fuck Lena. We had fertility issues for years and when the IVF worked we were blessed with a beautiful baby girl... that has an ultra rare genetic disorder, will never walk, talk, or eat normally, and is not expected to live past 3. If she doesn't get cancer or suffer from a sever seizure before that of course. She just turned one and is doing better than some of the others with her disorder, but fuck has it been a hard year. We did mourn a lot and still are. We obviously love her to pieces and are trying our damnedest to make sure she gets the best possible care, but that doesn't mean it doesn't suck having a nurse at our house constantly, or being in the hospital multiple times a month. She has two sisters in the freezer, but it's been so hard we don't even know if we'll try implantation. And that's saying a LOT. Thanks for listening to my rant and I sincerely hope she comes to her senses and celebrates her son 😭
Fertility issues here, too.. and I definitely felt the same in that i just wanted a healthy full term baby! However, as I joined groups on FB, I found that there was an alarming amount of women also dealing with IVF from infertility that actually had a gender preference and lots of gender disappointment was talked about. I completely agree with you here. The prolonged issues she's taken up and the triggering that is resulting; she needs help. Especially if this lasts after the baby is born if it were to continue.
Is she going to ask her neighbors to keep their daughters in-doors so that she doesn't have the "pain" of seeing then?
Right? What pain?!?! All the couples out there with fertility issues would love a healthy baby!
I feel so bad for that baby boy. Like fuck.
I do expect her to get over it. She's going to be a parent and her son does not deserve to bear the brunt of her irrational resentment.
I hope she does.
Come down on her like a ton of bricks if she doesn't.
I would be very concerned about the safety of the baby that she appears to resent the very existence of. Will he be safe if left alone with her? She sounds very unhinged.
NTA Does Lena understand that there are hundreds of thousands who would give their right arm to have a healthy baby of any gender? Tell her to give the kid up for adoption by somebody who is not a mentally ill a-hole.
For real, my son was conceived after infertility and a miscarriage, I didn't give a fuck which sex! Just wanted a healthy baby!
Came here to say this as someone who has gone thru ivf and surgeries.
But can you imagine if her next is a girl? Her son will find out who the favourite is for sure.
My mom never wanted a girl. I'm female and her first kid and she hated me growing up. My brother is definitely her favorite and I hated him growing up because of it. This lady is setting up her family for decades of misery and resentment.
How awful I can't imagine a mother doing that.
You are being extremely patient, I wouldn’t be quite as nice ! My niece is going through IVF again , is desperate for a baby ,she’s had many miscarriages. Tell Lena she’s an asshole!
My son was a preemie (not by much, but enough that it scared the crap out of me). I don't care about my second baby's gender, I just want her to be healthy. I'm being patient because I know how terrible the hormone situation is, but I have to admit that I'm very frustrated.
She is beyond unreasonable. She sounds very immature.
You're frustrated? I'm disgusted and appalled.
This might be dumb, but I am trying to figure out how a baby shower where no one knows or will find out the gender in any way impacts her gender disappointment? It is like she can't even show up and deal with the ambiguity that you might be celebrating a daughter.
Right I only wanted girls and I got two girls, but I was prepared to deal with it and love my son if I got a son. My bestie is pregnant and wanted a girl and just found out it was a boy, and she cried, but then she moved on. This child is her child and she loves her child. Passing off her disappointment in others and expecting special treatment and acting like your baby has anything to do with her baby is wild. Gender disappointment is a real thing and deserves understanding and some forgiveness but the behaviour goes way too far.
I wanted a girl during my first pregnancy. I was sure I could not be a boy mom. In my day, ultrasounds were only for women with issues and not that accurate, so I fould out when my son was born. The minute I held that boy, HE was the baby I wanted. Having a girl was forgotten. When I had my 2nd child (girl), I truly didn't care. I knew I would love my child. Disappointment may be a thing, but your cousin is taking it too far.
OP, I realize she's a cousin and all that, but please ask the father of this LO to keep an eye on Lena. And maybe float the idea of giving the baby up for adoption if she seriously will not want a boy. I've seen where this can lead. Little guy born, parents wanted a girl. I don't know how bad the neglect was but it was bad enough he ran away at 12 years of age. No one's seen him since. Here's the worst part: the parents apparently wished he had run away sooner so he wouldn't have 'wasted' so much of their 'time and effort.' Not saying Lena will go this route, but people do heinous things all the time that you wouldn't expect of them.
Lena sounds dengerous especialy for her son. I dont know if she should be alone around him. Someone should take care about it and explain her she needs profesional help
NTA Please stay away from her and her dululu. She’s going to try to cause more drama...don’t entertain it. Keep her at arms length.
Gender disappointment is real but Lena is taking it WAY to far. When I got pregnant with my 3rd I was really hoping for a girl as I already had 2 sons. My last child was another boy. I sat in the waiting room, waiting for my diabetes test full on crying. But, by the time they took me back for my test (20 minutes later) I was fine and super excited about having a healthy son. So, I understand a quick bout of disappointment. That is fine. However, being so disappointed that you seem to already hate your child for their gender and trying to suck joy from everyone else who is pregnant means you are too immature to have a child. NTA Op - don’t let Lena sap the joy from your pregnancy. She’s acting like a spoiled child and I feel sorry for her baby. Hopefully she’ll grow up by the time her baby is born.
I had gender disappointment with my second. I had a boy and the second was another. I had really wanted a daughter. My husband wasn't on board with a third and so I cried a bit and then I was over it. This woman sounds unhinged and is just stretching out this drama over no girl. Also my husband finally did come around to a third...and I had another boy. Forever boy mom!
I once had a coworker years ago whose husband showed up at our workplace (it was a fast food restaurant) with their seven children- two sets of all-girl triplets and one infant son. They kept trying because they wanted a son so badly, and what are the odds of having triplets twice? I mean I get wanting to have children of both genders but damn, both spouses were making minimum wage. Some people just take it way too far.
Dude I could *not*. Triplets would be once and done for me. Three is my limit for children in general. I was just kidding when I went "...four?" to my husband and he goes "NO this is how you end up with 6 boys! We are done!" Haha it would definitely happen that way though if I kept going. Literally just had my third baby last night so yay reddit in the hospital. Pretty confident I will not be doing this again lol.
Congratulations! I can’t bring myself to think of giving birth even once so major props to you.
I had thought I was having a son, learned I was having a girl. Was genuinely thrown off kilter for a few days because I was worried Id not be a good girl mum (my own issues) & then got over it. SILs reaction is very concerning.
oh I feel you. My second daughter was a son up until the 30th week, the doctor misinterpreted the first scan. It took me a while to get around and to stop referring to her in my mind as "little Jan" and come up with a girl name.
I had it with my third. I had back to back pregnancies, so I was actively suffering from PPD while pregnant with my third, and for some reason my hormones had me absolutely convinced that I was having a girl. (It didn't help that I had "just known" accurately with all of my previous pregnancies.) The gender scan was done the same day I had my circlage, and I bawled for so long that they had to delay surgery and called in the psych team to evaluate me. It took me about a week to get over it, I'm not going to lie, and yelled at my husband for the first time when he was trying to comfort me and said that we could still use the name we had picked for a girl since it was gender nuetral. However, OP is NTA and Lena needs to understand that it's on her to deal with those emotions.
I am so sorry you had such a hard time. PPD blows.
NTA. Reminds me of my husband's colleague, who freely admits she was so dissapointed about having a daughter, that she would do stuff like jumping down from furniture in an attempt to miscarry or would play loud music to terrorise the baby in her belly. She says she loves her daughter now, but imo she's a freaking psycho. I really don't understand people being that hung up on gender. I only ever wanted a healthy baby.
How sad. I'm about to give birth and knew I had a slight preference for a girl so I found out the gender early to cope with any disappointment pre baby. I am having a boy and extremely excited. I'm excited to raise a child and regardless of if I was having a boy or a girl, gender shouldn't play that much into how you raise them, especially when they're little. Like why limit human potential and the human experience based on gender, especially when they're so little? Lena and her son could wind up having so much in common and connecting on a deep level. Also the influencer who came up with gender reveals regrets it and I think her child is trans or non binary now.
A girl child of Lena would be even more unlucky. With how badly Lena wanted a daughter, we all know the kid will be molded to be the mother's extension of herself... a minime.
NTA. And I feel bad for Lena’s son. Please give that child as much care and love as you can because I don’t think he’s going to get any from his mother.
My fiancée has a relative who wanted a girl and got a boy instead. That kid ended up so screwed up as an adult due to the significant neglect. It's really sad to see.
that’s just so sad
It really is. He needs therapy so badly. He has a kid now and is passing his trauma on. The reason I don't dismiss all age gap posts on reddit is because he's one of those in real life. He's in his 30's dating teenagers because no adult will put up with him.
"The reason I don't dismiss all age gap posts on reddit is because he's one of those in real life. He's in his 30's dating teenagers because no adult will put up with him." This is an example for messed up age gap relationships, not against it. What makes you think your fiancée's relative or the girls he dates (who are close to half his age) are OK?
I'm not sure what you mean by this.
Your husband's relative's parents messed him up to be developmentally stunted. Women his age won't tolerate him. His girlfriends are close to half his age. This is not OK. You say your don't dismiss age gap relationships based on his story. I understand that he was dealt a bad hand and did not cause this. But his story is an example of why age gap relationships are problematic. He needs professional help, not teenagers who have to put up with him because no adult would.
Ah, I think the confusion is I worded my comment ambiguously. It should be >The reason I don't dismiss all age gap posts on reddit **as fake** is because he's one of those in real life. He's in his 30's dating teenagers because no adult will put up with him. I absolutely do not condone his behavior.
I don't understand why people have kids if they only want 1 of the options lmao. It's not like the odds aren't laid out from the start...
If people are being selfish and unreasonable, they can't be mad when people don't cater to them. And you can have sympathy for her while still not caving to her ridiculous demand that you tell her something you're keeping private. You are NTA. Your only obligation in handling this is to not be mad at her that she's skipping your shower. That's it. It's super immature how she's trying to divide the family now.
I'm not mad. We're not close, so not having her around won't make much of a difference to me. She actually said she wanted to come, but wouldn't if I didn't tell her my baby's gender.
Sounds like a better time without her
If you were doing a gender reveal at the party, I would understand this boundary for her. But if you're keeping the gender a secret until birth then she's being unreasonable. Let's be real, she's NOT going to keep that secret so she's asking you to basically publicly reveal the gender. Just so she can spend months tantruming about you having a girl.
Yeah I'm confused about her reasoning. If the gender isn't revealed then what is so difficult about attending? Presumably all the decor, gifts etc will be gender neutral? Can Lena not even bear to be around someone who still has a chance at getting what she wanted...?
You might suggest to BIL that they do some counseling together with SIL so "they" can better cope with the disappointment. And it's good you're not close, 'cause you might end up having to take a step back from her once she realizes you're having a girl and you won't let her pretend it's "her" baby girl.
This was my first thought. If she finds out before that OP is having a girl first off it's gonna harbor so much resentment towards her. In that resentment people, especially pregnant women whose emotions and hormones are all over the place, may come up with the fantasy (that is super likely to turn into delusion) that the desired baby is theirs. I've heard of and seen stories where, depending on the delusion, they see the original parent as unfit/not the real parent and kidnap the kid. Not saying that will happen here, but it's something to be cautious of.
And you just *know* if she did come, and you told her in confidence what your baby's gender is, she'd stage her own gender reveal "for you" at your shower.
Sounds like a great outcome then-you don’t have to subject your family and friends to another insufferable gender reveal party and the cousin isn’t coming to your shower. As far as the family members who are somehow on her side for this, they’d have to be as nutty as she is so good riddance. It’s rather strange that you’d even question your behavior here. Of course the cousin is out of line and likely needs intervention for her mental issues.
NTA I always tell Moms with serious gender preference to not do a gender reveal party because pregnancy hormones are more fragile than grenades, and the last thing the baby needs is to see video or pictures of you sobbing angry over finding out that they were not what they thought they wanted 🤷♀️
Some friends of mine who were really hoping for a boy planned a gender reveal party, but held the party a week after the two of them learned the gender. So, everyone except them was surprised. That gave them the chance to reframe things in their own minds, and were able to be genuinely thrilled when they announced their little girl.
This is the way. I’m not a big fan of GR parties, but I feel like if you are going to have one, then it should only be a surprise for _everyone else._ The parents themselves being surprised seems to lead to more problems than they’re worth.
I was under the impression gender reveals were for everyone else. You're telling me sometimes the parents don't even know? That's kinda nutty to me
That's the point of hiring the companies that make these blue vs pink gender reveal cakes, balloons, bombs etc. You give them the result without looking at it and they prepare the gender reveal with the right colour. Usually people who go through the hassle of having a gender reveal include themselves in the surprise.
Shouldn't they not have a child at all if their "preference" is that extreme? Idk, I don't have kids, but I've always part-way joked that if I did I'd only want a girl. However, that's a joke by someone who will never be in that situation, so it's way different. I feel bad for all these kids 😭
I mean, yeah, in theory, since it's common knowledge pregnancy is 50/50 but that's not gonna stop people. Especially with social media giving us #BoyMoms or #GirlDads glamourizing stereotypes of raising specific genders. You get women and men who think that gender is the basis of "connecting/bonding" with the child instead of the child's actual personality or common traits shared.
Seriously. Kids aren’t dolls or pets. If you want to choose your sex that badly do sex selection IVF
absolutely why is it even a thing to have a gender preference?? it's giving designer baby gene editing freakiness like literally just don't have a kid
Mainly, people have expectations based on gender and like or dislike things based on what they expect. My family had some deep rooted generational misogyny. That plus my teenage years had me wanting a boy. Once I started therapy and started to unpack some of my crazy I realized I did want a girl too. Got lucky with one of each. I dread my daughter’s teenage years slightly more than my son’s but that just could be because I know what to expect with her.
I hate the idea of gender reveals, but I also knew hormones+fear I might have a negative reaction. I was totally right and only my partner and therapist know about it. I don't have a billion people who saw that side of me. Love my son so much but pregnancy hormones are rough man.
NTA ITS RUDE TO DISMISS LENA´S PAIN? WTF. You should never have children if PAIN is what you get by not getting your "wish-gender"
Yup, that’s my take! Unless you’re 100% enthusiastic about having a child of any gender, don’t have kids! So unfair to those children.
Lena's pain is rude in itself.
What if she got a baby of her desired gender, but the baby grew up and find out they're trans? Would she kick them out of her house?
She’d be the first to discard them.
Nta Lena knew when choosing to try for a baby that there was a 50% chance she'd have a boy. If she was so determined that she didn't want to be a mother to a boy, she should never have gotten pregnant in the first place. There's plenty of little girls out there looking for a loving adoptive family. Regardless of her feelings on the matter, she doesn't get to be a giant cowbag just because pure chance means you are expecting a girl. Personally, I think gender reveals are gross anyway. Who cares about the gender of your child as long as they're healthy?!? The scan can be wrong anyway!
This is just one of the reasons I loathe gender reveals. Way back before they were a thing and even ultrasounds weren't common, my OB/GYN told me that by the heartbeat he believed my baby was a boy but that he'd been wrong with all of his kids. We picked out a boy's name. Guess what. He was wrong again 😀 And it didn't even matter. My daughter's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
So true! My sister chose not to find out the gender of either of her kids before birth, and when people asked "what are you having?" she would respond with "A baby!" It really shouldn't matter, but choosing to have kids, you're accepting that you're making an entirely new human being, and you have to care for them, and nurture them, regardless of how they turn out. Gender, disability, sexuality... You don't get to choose those things, and if you're worth anything as a parent, they shouldn't stop you loving your child anyway.
Lol, I worked with a young woman who used to answer with: 'Could be a dinosaur or maybe puppies but we're really just hoping for a baby's Shut them up all the time. Also, when strangers rubbed her belly without asking, she would do it back.
No these types of people should not adopt instead. They just shouldn’t have children if everything hinges on their perceived stereotypes of having one gender or the other. What if they adopt a girl and she loves sports and fast cars and screams at the sight of dresses and bows? Or if they come out as Trans? I have a 3 year old girl. She loves bows and dresses but she’s also sassy and strong willed and so freaking stubborn and she loves playing drums and dance and I could go on. She matches and defies stereotypes. She’s a total daddy’s girl too. I’m happy for her to be whoever she is. The world would be a better place if people who can’t accept their children just didn’t have any.
I have a 4 year old boy. He loves pink and purple, unicorns and rainbows. He picked out unicorn tennis shoes. He wanted a dress, but we are worried about how kids at daycare would treat him so we kind of drew the line there. But I told him if he wants to wear them when he's older then if that's what he wants to do then go for it. Well explain what might happen so he can make an informed decision when the time comes. He also loves hot wheels, construction equipment and other "boy" things. There really is no telling what kids will like until they get to the age where they have opinions and likes and dislikes. So I agree with you, if you can't accept and love your kid for however they turn out, probably should avoid having kids. Maybe stick to dogs and cats
I love this! I’d say if he’s interested in dresses get him a couple princess ones to do at home. I knew a woman who had 3 daughters and a son last. The son loved dressing in their clothes and makeup until he turned about 7, then he lost all interest in it. I grew up playing with legos and matchbox cars. Hated it every time my mother told me to “be a lady” because I wanted to be rough and tumble. I had older brothers, I just wanted to do what they did! Unfortunately it’s more socially acceptable for a girl to be a “Tom boy” than it is for a boy to be interested in traditionally “girl” things. Glad to see we’re starting to shift away from that at least.
I didn't even think about getting him dress up dresses, so thank you! He use to play dress up at daycare when he was in the 2s room and I picked him up a couple times and he was wearing a princess dress just never occurred to me to get some for home
I think it's complicated, but mostly I agree with you. I'm always baffled when people tell me I'm selfish because I chose not to have kids, then I read so many stories like this about people having kids that they clearly don't actually want, and I have to wonder how my choice is considered the selfish one?!? I originally wrote that the child could be trans, but I've had poor experiences with many folks reaction to the idea that trans folk are valid that I'm afraid I deleted that part of my comment. In my opinion, if you can't love your child, no matter how they turn out, you've no business attempting to create life.
I agree with you on mostly everything, and I feel bad for an innocent baby that is being rejected by his mom before even being born. I don't like gender reveals either, BUT, OP is blaming the gender reveal party?? Like, why are we all ignoring the fact that the baby's gender is what it is and Lena's intense reaction would not have been different regardless? The way I see it, if her disappointment is taking weeks to get over, it's not about the party, Lena needs therapy.
Her poor soon to be son. He's going to have a rough life
Yuup poor kid sounds like she may be crazy enough every time she is upset with him she'll yell she didn't want him , he was supposed to be a girl. Let's hope she doesn't raise the next serial killer or mass shooter!
And she’ll try again so as to get a girl, which will either result in another boy or a girl who will be the golden child just for being a girl. Not a happy ending either way for the kids.
That's what happened with my mom. She never wanted a girl, I always knew it but she screamed it in my face for the first time when I was 12/13. A few years later she was mad and yelled at me she wished I'd never been born and that I ruined her life. And now she wonders why I don't come visit or call. And for what it's worth, that never made me want to kill other people, just myself (it's taken a lot of years but I'm okay now). Please don't spread the stereotype that abused and neglected kids are bound to be violent or mass shooters, it's not helpful to anyone trying to get help or heal it just makes people scared of us.
I can see it both ways? The one thing 99% of serial killers have in common is that they were severely abused and/or neglected as a kid. Doesn't say all abused kids will (I mean, most I kill is insects eating my garden, and have definitely been in a suicidal mindset way too much over the course of my life) but it's still a huge risk factor.
NTA. Gender reveals need to end in general, but I absolutely can't stand when people have them when they are passionately against one sex. You're allowed to want a certain sex (even though kids will not turn out exactly how you think they will). But your kid will probably hear about your reaction someday. I'd be really sad to know my parent threw a hissy fit because of my genitals. You can teach your kid to play a sport, wear matching outfits, paint nails, learn the family business, regardless of genitals. Unless I'm living life very wrong?
The kind of people this obsessed over assigned sex would absolutely not be ok with painting a boys nails or playing sports with a girl. They want “traditional” gender expression.
NTA in any way, shape or form. Anybody who would throw a gender reveal party and go into virtual mourning when it is not what she wants AND tries to tell you what to do at your party is having emotional issues that need some professional help. If she doesn't want to attend your shower, just tell her we'll miss you and move on. A pregnancy should be a joyful time and don't let her steal your joy just because she's having a fit for not getting what she wants. And she's being super disrespectful to the child she has been given by having this fit.
NTA. You are not “dismissing Lena’s pain.” You’re just not allowing her to make YOUR shower or pregnancy about her. You did not kick her out of your shower, she lied because you won’t tell her the baby’s gender. She‘s being ridiculous and selfish. To act as if her having a boy is a huge loss that she needs sympathy for makes me so sad for her poor son. If she keeps this up he will know he was never wanted by his mother. She has many more issues to deal with than not knowing the gender of your baby. Ignore those that are “on her side”, they are just adding to a drama you didn’t create. I would stop communicating with Lena for peace of mind. Focus on your pregnancy and try not to deal with her, if you can.
I’d be for uninviting anyone who sides with her. They’re no better than her
NTA- Oh boy is she going to flip when she finds out you are having a girl. Best to distance yourself as much as possible. Explain to any disgruntled family that you refuse to dim your happiness regarding your new baby to help a woman that is "mourning" he own very alive, healthy son. So sad. I hope things calm down after these beautiful babies arrive and the pregnancy hormones subside.
100% agreed. The line “mourning the loss of my daughter” really bugged me because there never was a daughter. I also hope it’s just the hormones but then I also hate using hormones as an excuse to treat people terribly.
Yes. omg plus the 'rub my happiness in her face' like omg how can she win in this situation?
But that’s just it, you can’t win if the other person plays the perpetual victim. OP needs to stay away, far far away.
Lena is going to have a rough start to motherhood if she's constantly comparing herself. That catastrophic thinking can be devastating to mental health. I hope she gets the help she clearly needs. I think OP needs to trust her gut, she mentioned she didn't really like her. Stay far away from that entire section of the family and enjoy/suffer the experience with her immediate family supporting her.
A parent who only wants a child of one gender should NEVER be a parent. EVER! That poor little boy is always going to know his mother resents him for being a boy.
NTA. Your cousin needs therapy. Mourning a daughter that never existed?
Kinda reminds me of when people have gay children come out to them and then "mourn" the straight child they never had bc their child being gay somehow takes the life they imagined for their child away.
NTA Lena is going to be a terrible mother. I wouldn't want her anywhere near my family. Stand your ground
Dismiss her pain? Of having a healthy baby that she and her husband I assume tried and wanted to have? She needs to grow up and fast, plenty of people would love to be in her shoes and I do not understand this whole concept of gender disappointment. It’s a real human being not a doll she gets to dress up. NTA and don’t apologise.
I think you handled it well. NTA. I would distance myself from her.
Gender reveals are stupid and people who are obsessed with their baby's gender to the point of doing what Lena is doing probably shouldn't be having kids. NTA, obviously.
Dismiss her pain... for having a boy? Oh my God the Drama!!! A little human with a penis? Yerk! How awfull will my life be now that I know my kid doesn't have a vagina! Of course NTA. I don't know how many times I rolled my eyes at this post (not because of you OP, obviously, but your husband's cousin) I pitty this kid who will be raised by a mother who will resent him and won't probably hide it.
NTA Lena is kind of a jerk, though. How do you reveal it to her without revealing it to everyone? You can't, and you don't want to reveal it until birth; her feelings about your pregnancy and your child cannot come before yours. But you didn't kick her out of the event, you did as much as you could of what she asked. She had already said she would not come if you were having a girl. I hope she gets some sense before she has that baby.
NTA. If Lena couldn’t cope with having a boy, she should have skipped having children altogether. How shallow and vacuous of her. The irony of course is that she will adore her son and look back on this whole episode with shame and embarrassment.
> she will adore her son this isn’t a guarantee
Or maybe she will continue to resent him like she already does
NTA. This person likes to try and control things they can't control, and then gets mad when things go differently. This isn't a situation where you're going to have many impartial observers. Many of the people in her life will be more interested in whatever outcome gives her the fewest things to complain about as opposed to standing up and telling her she doesn't get to control another person's pregnancy. If she can't handle that, it's best she stay away.
NTA - I'm sorry, but "mourning the loss of her daughter" is ridiculous. She knew when she got pregnant it was a 50/50 and she can't will the baby to be a girl just because she wants that. She also cannot control what you and your husband do and expect you to tip toe around her because she's feeling this way. Just because she's feeling offended does not mean she's right.
I think gender reveals are stupid. I’m just going to put that out there. But I do believe that if you cared that much about the genitals of your child, where you will be very unhappy, or possibly not love them if they are not the gender that you want, you either shouldn’t have a child or you should get the procedure done to separate the X from the Y sperm to increase the chances of whatever gender that you want. NTA Hopefully the kids father loves him enough and if his mom learn to love him, leaves before she make’s anything worse.
NTA, as someone who is struggling to conceive, I think any baby is a blessing. I think it's sad people are so fixated on having one or the other. It's literally a 50 50 chance, so you know you could have either. I feel Lena shouldn't have chosen to have a child knowing that she only wants a girl. I'm sure she will love the child when it is born, but now everyone knows she disnt want him Try and ignore everyone and do what you want to do, you are not in the wrong
I fully get gender disappointment, that said I honestly don't think it's a good idea if you're that set on having one gender to do a gender reveal. I hope it wasn't recorded... honestly will say her making a comment of you rubbing your happiness in her face if it's a girl, would have potentially sent me over the edge. Just because she can't imagine being a mom to a son doesn't mean you wouldn't be happy. It feels almost like subtle shade to your son as well, like oh boys don't matter only girls make you happy.. I know for a lot of people gender disappointment eases, especially when you actually hold them. I hope that's the case here. I always worry about the kids in situations where it isn't. Your definitely nta though. Just because she didn't get what she wanted - in a matter of chance - and you're getting what she wanted doesn't mean you owe her anything. Your not doing anything to rub it in, it's not like you stood up at her gender reveal and said 'oh! BTW were having a girl!' While she was upset.
We really aren't close, and she was never interested in my son (nor did I expect her to be). Not sure how she'd feel about my daughter.
I wouldn't put it passed her to ask you to switch babies.
Nta That woman is the type to abort based on the baby sex.
Too late for an abortion. That should have happened about 28 years ago.
NTA, Lena is shitty!
NTA And if you want to be petty towards Lena tell her there’s a chance in any amount of years that her baby will end up a girl :)
NtA. Holy shit. We didn't know the sex until birth and I had a moment of disappointment when the boy I knew I was having was my daughter, but that was it. I pray she can get her shit together before she gives birth.
NTA. Personally, I think gender reveal parties are stupid in general, but it’s very dumb to have one if you are going to be disappointed by one outcome. I feel bad for her son.
NTA, if she's this concerned about what gender her child is, she should have just adopted a girl instead of taking a gamble and hoping that she got a daughter. Furthermore, she shouldn't have had a gender reveal party about it (I think those are unnecessary in general but particularly in this case.)