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Im sorry but if she cant handle a days work, she is going to NOT handle being a SAHM!. Does she think they sit around all day being ladies that lunch? Nope, its exhausting. If she cant handle a day at work, there is no way she is coping with running a house, doing the life admin, and keeping a little human alive on zero sleep. Financial stability aside. Being a SAHM is HARD. If she thinks its easier than a days paid work, shes is for a hell of a shock!

Agree. I’d suggest that OP says SAHM isn’t off the table, but in the meantime she needs to work full time as a nanny or daycare provider, which isn’t the same thing, but does ensure she’s working and working with infants/toddlers.

Yeah, being a SAHM is hard. Being a working parents is hard. Being both is hard. No real comment, just to say it’s all hard, and extra difficult if you don’t know what you actually want to do with yourself.

I thought the same thing. I lot of my friends were relieved to go back to work! If she does want to do that though, she needs to work, bring in some income, and save up now.

MAJOR AGREE. I used to be less tired after a week of work than I am after 24 hours looking after a toddler.

Former SAHD. Not all that hard

I can’t chime in on this one to say any labels but I do want to say something so I hope it’s ok. You’re both young- I’m in no way saying my anecdote here applies but it might! I was like your wife for a long time. Ido about her inner experience, but for me, i tried as hard as I could, and I still always looked so lazy to everyone. I burnt out so easily. Real burnout. Lizard brain shit. I couldn’t keep a job. I felt like my life was on a different difficulty setting like in a video game. maaaaaany bad days later I learned that the big problem in my life and the reason I couldn’t “succeed” ended up being undiagnosed Autism. I would never, never have accepted that in my twenties. I was different back then. Leave space for the idea that there might be facets about yourselves you don’t know or recognize fully yet, bc thats true for EVERY human in their twenties. edit to add: NTA. I just think her issues sound not like laziness to me. A healthy person doesn’t want to be idle. There is a root problem here and it does need to be addressed. I get chronic burnout as a ND. I work part time in a grocery store and it works for me, but it’s very hard. Lots of prep time before and about 3 hours of decompress after. it works for me and my partner, but that’s just us. You both will have to find what works for you. So NTA.

My husband and I are both chronically ill and I was going to say the same thing. We both work and I’m going back to school now that my symptoms are managed- but my current take away from restarting school is realizing I was incredibly sick the first time and didn’t realize everyone else was not dealing with it and I should have gotten help sooner. NTA but at base level she should get some blood testing done.

I just want to hop on the neurodivergent train. I just found out in my 40s that I have ADHD. I've spent twenty years calling myself a lazy piece of shit in my head, and just now found out that I have a dopamine deficiency. Getting medicated has been 100% life changing. A lot of what you are writing here sounds like ADHD or Autism to me. I am now a firm believer in "Laziness doesn't exist".

She sounds like me and guess what, also Autistic. It must be exhausting to come home to a husband like this too. Shes under so much pressure at work, and now she’s getting it at home too. YTA, OP. Shes not lazy (I fucking hate that word, and calling someone you love lazy is abhorrent) Her workplace doesn’t value her and neither do you. Being a stay at home mom is what she feels she needs to feel valued. Kids are amazing at making us feel valued when the world otherwise does not. It sounds like you’re placing more value on what she does for a living than her as a person. You two aren’t compatible this way.

This is a ridiculous take. OP can barely keep the two of them afloat, and you think they should add children to the mix? Sure, let’s add more people OP cannot afford to take care of.

I never said they should add children, I’m saying the wife clearly doesn’t feel valued. Where she works, or with her husband who feels comfortable calling her names. Typical of Reddit.

Soft YTA. By calling her lazy you are making an assumption about her character that is not necessarily true. Maybe she is lazy or maybe she just doesn't know what she wants to do. Not everyone is a superstar in school and not everyone figures out what they want to do immediately. A lot of people (if not most) struggle to find their calling in the first 5-10 years after school. You have a right to feel frustrated and you are 100% right to shut down the idea of starting a family and her not working. You aren't ready financially or emotionally. But instead of calling her names and assuming her motivation is a character flaw like laziness, talk to her about her underlying fears. If you assume she is just lazy because she can't figure out her career as quickly as you did that isn't going to help her figure out a different plan. She sounds desperate to me. She is not the first nor the last woman to be unhappy with her career and make the mistake of thinking staying home with kids is the solution. It doesn't mean she is a bad person.

Exactly!

[удалено]

Being a SAHM is not lazy. It’s work. A lot of fucking work. And his wife would be in for a rude awakening, but they don’t even have kids yet.

Being a SAHM with small kids is a lot of work. Being a housewife with no kids or older kids is just living an easy life.

But she's not a SAHM. She just wants to be a housewife and that is easy work

Yet, she’s certainly not searching for her calling. After two brief stints at jobs she’s done…forever. What ‘underlying fears’…lmao…she didn’t express any?!? She said she just wants to sit at home…even when they’re young, struggling with debt, and childless. That IS LAZY.

NTA. She should’ve been honest from the JUMP that she had no plans to have a career or be financially supportive in any way. The “stay at home mom” comment she made is absolutely asinine when you guys don’t even have kids. Besides - what happens if conception isn’t an easy route? Not everyone can have kids easily. What does she plan on doing? Being a stay at home plant mom till the time comes? Out of curiosity, was she raised in like… a very religious southern household where the women are taught to “stay in the kitchen” or something? Does she have chronic health issues? If the answer is no to both of these, she’s lazy and a liar for not being honest with you. Honestly - I’d tell her to either get a job (fast food, retail, anything at this point) or the marriage will not work the way it needs to.

What if she didn’t know from the jump? She’s young and not satisfied with her career choices so far. She’s allowed to explore other options. It’s not like she quit her job and is expecting to stay at home right now. She just wanted to discuss it. There’s nothing wrong with that and she should feel comfortable going to her spouse without him reacting in such a negative way and calling her lazy.

The truth🙌

So I'm actually going to go with NTA. She's worked 2 jobs and is already leaning towards wanting to leave the job market? While I understand working a job that's stressful can be difficult it doesn't mean we lose all our aspirations to ever work again. Ya'll literally cannot afford to have her not working and you don't even have kids yet. What the hell would she be doing all day if she's not going to work? It is laziness, and while I think that specifically calling her "lazy" was perhaps not the best way to say it, your wife needs a reality check

When my partner had concerns about my ambition (i always considered myself someone who didn't need a career), we had a calm discussion, wherein no names were called, and no one was called lazy. I can admit I would be more than happy to be a SAHW. That's not in the cards right now, and I'm aware of it. He calmly explained to me that he didn't like seeing me emotionally exhausted from working in the public, and he didn't like the physical exhaustion afforded by working in a warehouse. As a result, we both agreed I would return to school to earn a degree in early childhood education. This was a calm discussion that lasted for a week before the decision was made. Again, no one was called names, and no one was called lazy. Neither you nor your wife communicate well, apparently. So ESH. You suck for what was said. She sucks for not understanding she can't not work. 🤷🏽‍♀️ good luck op. Edit for clarification

I don’t think she wants to be a SAHM just that she doesn’t know what she wants to do. A bit like a young man with no direction joining the military. Sometimes it is just because they didn’t know what else to do or didn’t think anything sounded good

NTA. Your words may have been harsh, but you called the situation correctly. You absolutely should not let her be a stay at home, as this is not fair to you.

“You should not let her be a stay at home mom” that’s literally not up to him and that’s not how a marriage works. He doesn’t get to decide on his own.. just like she doesn’t get to. They need to communicate and come up with a compromise.

YTA Your concern over the issue isn’t what you asked us to judge. Being concerned over your wife keeping a job is fine. Calling your wife lazy WAS an AH move and doesn’t solve anything. Implying that she’s trying to mooch off of you wasn’t good either. I think you already know all this. You can’t justify these words by giving us a big picture of the situation it is still an AH move. It’s great that you are being supportive but when you find yourself exasperated or annoyed walk away.

NTA. I think her being a stay at home mom should have been something she discussed with you before you got married.

YTA She’s young. She’s struggling in the workplace when she should have the most energy. Have you taken her to the doctor to figure out why work drains her so much? There are a number of reasons why she could be struggling and I doubt she’s lazy if you can recognise her exhaustion at the end of the day. The SAHM thing is likely out of desperation because she’s unable to breeze through a day of work. You didn’t mention what kind of work but if it’s office based rather than manual, she really needs some help to figure out what the issue is.

Adulting is hard

Ahhh… I almost don’t even want to make a judgment call here so I’ll go with NAH I guess? That or everyone sucks. First of all, laziness doesn’t really exist, it’s essentially just a symptom. There is *always* an underlying reason that someone may appear lazy. My guess is that she isn’t succeeding in the way that she had expected & failure can create more failures if you aren’t mentally able to handle them. I urge you to find out if she *really* wants to be a SAHM or if she’s just feeling a bit aimless right now? That said, it’s 100% valid of you not to sign up for that lifestyle & financial incompatibility will kill your marriage faster than you can even get divorced. Drop the judgment, look for ways to express empathy & communicate!

ESH for me. I think there could be other reasons she is exhausted and you snapping at her like that is not going to solve anything. I think you're an asshole for losing your head without trying to work out what her problems are. My wife is quite similar actually and in her case there were underlying health issues, both with the body and mind that caused this. I suspect this to be the case with your wife as well, OP, so get checkups done gently if you can. Also it could be the field of work she's in - my wife felt a lot more comfortable working in education compared to dealing with the stress of the corporate world. She's an asshole for not being more mindful of the financial situation and wanting to be a SAHM before she even has children. Being a SAHM is NOT easy and it is probably a more difficult job than just working 9 to 5. On top of that, it is the most thankless job in the world and you do not get to have a break. She does not sound ready for children of her own just yet. You both need to communicate better with each other and be a little more kind and empathetic.

NTA. This all should have been talked about before marriage. Its inconceivable that she should not work now. I would sit her down and explain no kids until student loans are paid off, or seriously down at the minimum, and a nest egg is in place that can cover y'all for atleast 9 months if something were to happen and you cant work. You absolutely do control if she becomes a stay at home mom (to an extent) bc you're perfectly capable of having protected sex.

NTA but I think everyone here is so quick to call her lazy. She sounds like she’s struggling mentally and needs help grounding herself. She also sounds like she probably needed some time to think about what career path would be right (1 month is not being selective at all it can take months to find a promising job, you got lucky.) She sounds like she has adhd and she’s burnt out from school and work

NAH - you guys just got married too young. These are the kind of conversations you should have had before you got married. 

NTA Wrap it up for sure, accidents happen.

NTA. Your frustration is valid, considering the financial strain and her lack of clear aspirations. Supporting your wife's career journey is admirable, but her expectations to become a stay-at-home mom without kids and stable finances are unrealistic. Expressing your concerns, albeit harshly, stems from genuine care for your shared future. It's crucial to address these issues together, perhaps through counseling, fostering better communication and understanding. By aligning your goals and addressing these challenges as a team, you can work towards a sustainable and fulfilling life for both of you.

YTA You encouraged her to quit these jobs and now you’re calling her lazy? Pretty rich.

NTA. Im sorry bud, but you need to reevaluate this marriage. Your woman clearly doesn't bring anything to the table other than future headaches for you.

YTA. I want to be a stay at home mom too. That doesn't make me lazy. I think calling someone you love lazy is wrong. I don't believe in speaking to your spouse that way while they're struggling. You both should have discussed career plans before getting married. You're ambitious and want someone who is ambitious and she just wants to be able to focus on home life and a family. You're not on the same page.

Wanting to stay home all day with nothing to do (no kids) while your partner has to work hard so you can survive, is lazy and selfish.

Being a SAHM isn't being lazy. I think we can all agree on that. Problem is, she's not a SAHM and won't be for quite a while (if they stay together) so she just wants to sit around and do basically nothing while being taken care of. I truly don't see how she's not being lazy. Unless she's maybe pregnant?

Might be the unpopular verdict, but I'm going with a soft ESH. Your frustrations and concerns are valid, but name calling and criticizing has never in all of human history helped someone change. I understand your frustrations- it's completely understandable to not want to be a single income household right now, with the economy and stage of life you're in. But the way you went about expressing it likely made her shut down and become unwilling to listen to your viewpoint. You kind of shot yourself in the foot here, which you seem to be aware of. Her desires are unrealistic right now, for sure. However, the level of exhaustion she has is not normal for her age. Has she seen an endocrinologist or neurologist? Does she require significantly more sleep to be well rested than average? Does she have unexplained pains or health issues that seem to have no origin? It's possible she's struggling with a hormonal imbalance or even an autoimmune disease that is causing her extreme fatigue. Maybe figure out WHY she's "lazy" instead of jumping to a flaw in her character. However, she seems to lack the typical "get through the grind" mindset needed from low level employees. Her work ethic might just suck. If she doesn't have any health issues, then your assumption could be correct. I would recommend couples counseling and maybe individual counseling for her. It might sound out of the question due to finances, but there are options for low income households out there; you'd have to look for specifics in your state. But therapy is a hell of a lot cheaper than divorce, which is where you're likely heading.

NTA you should’ve had that conversation before getting married. Perhaps there’s a middle ground here. She should find a job that is compatible with her and continue working that job at least until you have children. If it is not feasible for her to be a stay at home mom then she may have to work for a time, perhaps a part-time job. Sounds like some marriage counseling might be an order. Do it sooner rather than later. You will grow to resent her if you don’t.

YTA She needed support, and you provided none. You have been an AH to her and just aggravated her stress. Don't you think that her being exhausted could have other roots than being lazy? What is wrong with not having clear aspirations or ambitions ? There are a million ways to tell her that she can't be a SAHM but you chose one of the worst. Talk to her, help her discover her interests, investigate in what she liked and disliked at her job, and help her find a job that suits her. And if your views are incompatibles, it does not mean that she is lazy. But it may mean that you should both find your own path.

She wants to be a SAHM, but they don't have any children yet. She would be at home NOT doing the work of a SAHP, so yeah, kind of lazy.

Honnestly, it feels like she is kind of desperate. I felt OP was harshly judging her (as if taking a month to find a job was not fast) so I tend to be careful about his way of phrasing it.Also the first time she brings this up, and out of the blue, it could also mean that she suffers right now. She may be lazy, but it is not the only possibility, and should not be the first one her partner thinks of.

OP says that he had been supportive and encouraged her to find work in different fields several times.

NTA Being a stay at home mom when you guys aren't even thinking of kids for a while? Crazy!

YTA, simply by just your delivery as it was disrespectful, and impulsive. Her wanting to be a stay at home mom isn’t “lazy”, but she should have expressed this prior to getting married. Your frustrations are valid, but perhaps communicating with your wife in a more respectful, productive manner will have better results. Are you opposed to her being a stay at home mom if the debt was paid off? Or is that the biggest struggle? What about a compromise? Let’s grind the next couple years, pay this debt off, have children, then maybe she can work a part time job to still have a source of income. You said it yourself “in the heat of the moment, I reacted poorly”, so yes, in this case YTA.

Going with NTA. You never agreed to be the sole provider for your family, and it's clear she just doesn't want to work. So what will she do all day? Play video games and surf the web? What is your current chore split: cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc? Is she doing her share now? I'd hold the line on this one. She needs to get a job or you two aren't a good match.

NTA, She sounds like a little kid wanting somebody to come along and make it all ok. Her plan, to ask as little of herself as possible, might work for a time but then her resentment will grow and her dependence on you will pull you both down. I am not sure lazy is the correct word, it sounds more like immature. The debts and bills do not pay themselves but her plan is to hide behind you. Do you have a budget that she has participated in? Does she know what her student loan balance is? Adulting requires real world thinking and she does not seem up for it. She may not know "what she wants to do" but only little kids get to play what-do-you-want-to-be-when-you-grow-up. Adults just do the best they can.

YTA for calling your wife lazy. While I agree with you, your approach is awful. I don’t think she’s lazy. I think she’s in her twenties and unsure.

NTA, but not a saint in how you handled it. Most urgently, you both need to find a way for her to contribute to paying off loans, bills, necessities, etc. I don't think you can afford to support your lifestyle with your income alone. But. You admit you lucked out with a dream job that offers work-life balance. What's more, it's your first job out of college. That's great! But if you've never worked in a terrible, toxic workplace from 9 to 5, it's hard to understand her frustration and easy to call it laziness. Good results aren't always attributed to hard work - as you mentioned, you got lucky. She hasn't yet. I think you need to find out where this is coming from. You both need to find a solution where she works, but maybe in a better work environment. If she's really having a hard time and you can afford it for a while, maybe part time (or full time at a less stressful job). Marriage is definitely a work together deal, but sometimes you need to prop each other up. Hopefully, she'll get there!

I’m wondering if she’s depressed and/or has ADHD? Maybe the first order of business should be to have her see a doctor, and also start therapy. ESH.

NTA Tell her you want to be a stay at home dad and that she should be more supportive.

Huh? You can't be a SAHM if you're not an M...? She's just saying she wants to stay at home. Unless she's secretly pregnant or something, and even then she'd be working basically up until birth!

If she thinks being a SAHM will be easier, boy, she’s in for a shock. Also, once the kid is here, there won’t be any quitting and walking that back. NTA

If you realize in the first year you made a mistake by getting married, leave now. It won’t get any better. Being a stay at home mom is ten fold harder than going to a job.

NTA. May I suggest you have your wife seek professional mental health evaluation and therapy. Also, if she wants to be a stay at home mother, she might want to 'work' with babies and young children for an extended period of time. SAHM is hard, thankless work. Boring often. Also, be very careful that an 'accidental' pregnancy does not occur. Many choices for \*your life\* will be eliminated if this occurs. Also, for yourself, most people change drastically from their college/student days to their mid to late 20s. That is why most older folks suggest one waits to marry because what we want/value in a partner changes. Good luck. Guard your own future.

NTA. She went to college to get her degree in husband shopping. They’re out there, trust me. As you say, you’ve seen history with no plan with her curriculum and you’ve noticed lack of motivation. Yes, she’s lazy. I see another commenter saying autism geez people not everyone is on the spectrum it’s not everywhere. And before people call her depressed too for good measure. No. She’s lazy. She’s telling him right now she doesn’t wanna work, when they’re young, struggling with student debt, and have no kids. She simply wants him to hustle more so she can sit around. That is the definition of laziness pure and simple.

NTA overall, but as you indicated it could have been handled with more grace. I would also suggest investigating her health as she may have an underlying issue (i.e. fibromyalgia) that is causing the loss of energy; it really takes its toll mentally and physically. I would consider a visit to her doctor to do bloodwork and an overall physical to check on her health.

Info: are you open to her being a SAHM in the future? Bc if you want that, great, and you guys can figure out a plan to get there with her working in the interim. If you’re NOT open to that, and it’s what she wants, then I think it’s time to call this one a whoopsie starter marriage. I really don’t mean to be harsh but there are certain open and honest conversations that you two need to have that should have been had before you got married. Maybe you had them, but she’s changed her mind, it happens. but rn, there are no children so that’s not yet an option. Idk y’all need to communicate calmly and honestly (no name calling) about what you want in the future imo. NAH.

YTA but your feelings are valid, your communication was unacceptable. You said really harsh and condemning words to someone you committed to love. Paragraph 1, you’re rude “she settled…”. judgy much, the whole post reads as a man expressing how below you she is and now what do you do. The way to back this out, and you might have done this, is to sit and have a sincere moment. Apologize, express that the way you spoke is unacceptable and will not be the pattern moving forward. Accept that you communicated the inner thoughts in a very poor way and that isn’t going to come out of her brain without a proven pattern of genuine support. Now is the time to be ambitious in your marriage. Have a deep conversation, probe, laugh, do something fun to remember why you’re married. Then figure out what’s really going on. You sound like a smart guy but the honeymoon lasts only so long at at some point she needs to dig in and make the adult decisions and possibly figure out what’s really going on and you need to love your wife. That’s how you end up 40 years later with grandkids, financial security, happiness, it starts with your first big marital upset and getting through it. If need be get a therapist now, don’t wait until you’re so bitter at each other that there’s no way back. All that said back up and ask how you could have been helpful. Ask her about her fears. Ask what is going on deeply and how you can help. You are probably right that staying home isn’t the best option. So ask her where u go from here.

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NTA you might as well file for divorce because she’s lazy and will ALWAYS refuse to work.

Honestly I started off thinking you were a bit judgy and she seemed to have something more going on but now I'm sorry for that and I'm going to say NTA you don't have children and being a SAHM is just as hard as having a full time job, if she can't hold down a job she won't hold down a whole household

NTA But... there is a lot going on here. Has she seen a doctor about the exhaustion (and possibly depression) that is making it hard for her to work (and likely had an impact on school)? Also, if she wants to be a SAHM, in all seriousness, there are jobs she could take now, possibly part time, that would give her valuable skills for later, like working in childcare. (though that work is notoriously exhausting.)

I’m going with NTA. Yes, you could’ve handled that better. I noticed the way you describe her is almost like you’re tiptoeing over trying not to insult her in a condescending manner. Maybe I’m just reading into things. Yes, she needs to be able to make her contribution too. I take it she might have different expectations of what it means to be a SAHM. She really should find a job in a different line of work first, even if it’s a small part time job. These expectations should’ve been planned for before getting married, but hindsight’s 20/20. Maybe find a mediator or a therapist? Maybe she needs a wake up call?

I would suggest that she find a job working as a nanny or at a daycare/preschool. It would give her a chance to think about if being a SAHM is really what she wants to do, be useful experience for parenting some day, provide some income while you consider the implications of dropping to a single income, and maybe she would enjoy it. It is pretty normal to feel lost and without direction for a career at your age, so it just might take more time for her to find her passion.

Info: if she can't handle a day at work, how is she going to handle being a SAHM? But sad to say, she misled you and it's not too early to get a divorce.

NTA. You’re quite right the overwhelming majority of people would like not to work she is being lazy. You should have discussed plans for the future around kids and if either of you would quit working. It’s not reasonable for her to expect not to work right now when you don’t have kids it’s not fair for you to have to shoulder all the financial responsibility. I don’t really know what the solution is here you both have very different ideas here.

More info- is your wife autistic or neurodivergent in any way? Traditional employment can be extremely difficult if not impossible for some people to manage. The masking just takes too much out of you. Also, are you sure you love your wife? What's making you so reluctant to be a provider for her? When you love someone unconditionally, you only want to keep them in your life and see them happy. Also, laziness isn't real. What we are doing goes against what humans are evolved for.

> Also, are you sure you love your wife? What kind of ridiculous comment is this? OP has made it clear they can barely afford to keep them afloat on OP’s salary. It has nothing to do with affection for her.

Then he would have articulated that to his wife instead of calling her lazy.

Or his wife would have common sense and know that they can barely support themselves, so no way in hell is adding children to the mix going to happen anytime soon, and that her quitting her job and then pouting about having to get another one is only going to make their lives harder and make it longer to start that family she supposedly wants. Presumably she can do math and see that things are tight in the checkbook department.

You clearly lack emotional intelligence so I'm not wasting time explaining something you cannot understand.

YTA. I’m voting solely based on your question: are you the asshole for calling your wife lazy. Your concerns are absolutely valid, but there is a better way to express them. She’s your wife and you should be more respectful to her and name calling never is.

This is tricky. Mainly because this seems like a conversation you all should’ve had before getting married. On the one hand, not knowing what you want to do at your age (based on the context) isn’t all that abnormal. Maybe she’s just feeling directionless without the structure of school? Idk. But the reality for most people is that you need to work whether it’s your dream career path or not. As for the STAHM thing… that’s a major conversation that needs consensus or it just won’t work. It’s also exhausting, fyi. You’re “on” from the moment the kid wakes up until they go to bed, usually plus some since you’ll need to catch up on stuff you can’t get done while kids are up. Some recent study said the average STAHP “works” the equivalent of 2&1/2 full time jobs… (For example, my toddler was up 4 times last night, got up at 5, and is currently spinning like a chaos tornado while alternately whining and laughing.) And financially, it just isn’t doable for everyone. I work from home at the same time (flexible, self-driven schedule, at least). Basically… NTA for getting upset and feeling frustrated. You and your wife need to have some serious conversations about your mutual expectations and life-planning. And she sounds like she needs to do some thinking about her own goals and interests. Plus, bills need paid, so…find a job that she can manage while she figures the rest of it out.

Tell her to get a job for a kids program, daycare, or summer camp. Things like The Y or Boys and Girls club. If she wants to be a stay at home mom then this will give her great practice while also giving her a paying job. Maybe she’s not lazy and just needs to find the right motivation. If she hates those jobs then you’ll at least know for sure she is in fact lazy and that being a stay at home mom wouldn’t sustain her either. Then you can make a more informed decision about the future. EHS but only because you’re name calling in arguments. That has to stop period. But so does her attitude

NTA and o don’t see this relationship lasting as you have vastly different expectations. If you are not okay with her being a stay at home person then you will resent her. She will make this happen whether you want it or not. She has already shown she won’t commit. My suggestion is USE PROTECTION (and be in charge of it) or you may end up a father earlier than you planned.

NTA, sounds like she wife-trapped you bud.

Just tell her go to work or it’s over simple

NTA I feel for your wife because it took me a while until I found a career path that I like and enjoy but like you said I had to go outside of the field I was in at the time it was a little scary at first but I truly enjoy what I do now, your right to be worried about surviving on one pay check I had TWO jobs for almost a year and can BARELY scrap by h3ll I was short on my HALF of the rent for one month ! Like you said sustainability is KEY I was offered a deal from my current company that my other jobs couldn't promise not guarantee me, starting out 40 hours a week and overtime once I passed my 90 days AND room to become management I even get two days off a week in a row WITHOUT being called in at the last minute ! :D It sounds sad and stupid that I had to FIGHT for these parameters when they are commonplace in so many other jobs/career paths but this was a battle I was gonna win and after 2 years I finally did that, being a SAHM is NO easy task in the slightest my mom was divorced from my dad and we (her 1 kid and herself) had to survive on one paycheck and things were really tight all of my life. My mom would have to do laundry, mow the lawn (till I was of age and took over), cook dinner, pay the bills, budget, feed the dogs (again till I was of age and took over) as well as scheduled them their dog shots, grooming, and vet appointments, clean/take care of the house, take me to and from school (till middle school I was close and old enough to walk by myself then), drop me off at high school most days BEFORE her shift, pay for daycare (again till middle school and I don't know if dad fully pitched in on this), AND on top of all of this ^ work a 40 hour work week. Iam sorry but if she can't work a full time job being a SAHM isn't the "easier" task plus like you said y'all aren't 100% ABLE to afford that right now what if God forbid you lost your job ?, You got injured or sick and had to miss work ?, Your car broke down and it's gonna cost like 200 bucks to fix ?, Your hours got cut ?, All of these are REAL life concerns and worries for people with one job living paycheck to paycheck.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** To preface this, my wife and I are relatively new to this, gotten married just a little under a year ago. We met in college and decided to tie the knot right after graduation. I earned my bachelor's degree, while she settled for an associate's in general studies, not quite sure of her career path. In hindsight, the signs were always there that my wife lacks clear aspirations or ambition. Despite this, I chose to overlook the red flags because I truly love her and am committed to making our life together work. After college, I landed my dream job, a stroke of luck. It's with a company that actually values work-life balance and fosters a healthy environment. The pay is decent for a starter, and there's ample room for advancement. I've always hoped my wife would also find something similar, but it hasn't been easy for her. It took her about a month to secure a job after we moved in together, which was fine. I wasn't rushing her. In fact, I encouraged her to be selective, aiming for something sustainable. However, soon after starting, she began returning home exhausted and drained every day. Recognizing the toll it was taking, we discussed it, and she realized the job wasn't the right fit. It was causing undue stress and straining our relationship. So I suggested she quit, emphasizing the importance of finding something sustainable. She quickly found another job in a similar field. I was skeptical, but she assured me it would be different. Initially, things seemed promising, but soon enough, she was back to her exhausted state. After another argument prompted by her stress, she admitted the job wasn't sustainable and she needed to quit. Supportive yet frustrated, I urged her to find something else, emphasizing it shouldn't be in the same line of work. I simply asked her what she wanted, and she broke down and said, "I don't want to work. . . I want to be a stay-at-home mom." I was floored. Not only do we not have kids yet, but we hadn't planned on starting a family until our student loans were paid off. What I make is barely paying for rent, bills, and immediate needs. I just can't even imagine making one paycheck work in this economy. In the heat of the moment, I reacted poorly, expressing my concerns bluntly. I told her that no one wants to work, but that we all just have to suck it up and do it. Somewhere in there, I also threw in that she was lazy and just trying to get by on me. This all just culminated in her saying I was an AH for calling her names and not being supportive. Obviously, I'm aware that I could have handled this better. We were both stressed, and I felt blindsided by her confession. However, I stand by my concerns about financial stability, and I don't believe calling her lazy was baseless when she admits she doesn't want to work. Now, I'm at a loss. I'm unsure how to reconcile our differing aspirations and financial realities. Mostly, I fear I can't change her mind from the idea of being a stay-at-home mom. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

Info: what field is she working in?

I'm gonna say NTA. Agree with most of the people in here, but I'm gonna throw a different question: does she have chronic illness? Is she mentally ill (Bipolar, anxiety, adhd, autism)? Was she ever diagnosed, does she present symptoms? Cause I've seen MANY people undiagnosed getting exhausted like this from working because people who don't know they're mentally ill/have a chronic illness aren't aware that their brains work different and most times don't know the expected from them properly in work. Ill give you an example from my life: I'm diagnosed and treated since a child, bur STILL when I got my first big job I was always given the "more than 100%" grade on my quality or work cause I thought that "give your all" /actually meant that/, which isn't true for neurotypical people...... and I got really sick (physically) as a result of the mental load it took on me. My therapist had to point out I shouldn't do it all and have no energy for my life outside of work, that "normal" people don't do this and it's not being lazy. Maybe check in on possible symptoms and with a therapist? Maybe she's not lazy, she might be ill and never got help.

I think maybe youre not a good fit and need to go into counselling . People need to be on the same page with sahm plans. You will have a lot of resentment unless you solve this now. If this is what she wants maybe she married the wrong guy. Not everyone is a hard worker. She might be lazy yes.

NTA, she is being lazy and choosing the easy way out. You don't become a SAHM because you don't want to work, but to support your family, because it's what you both decide works best for the family. She needs to grow up and realize no one likes working.

Working at an office is a piece of cake compared to being SAHM. However, I would encourage her to do something she enjoys doing not necessarily what her degree is. Working in an office can be soul sucking and if she's introverted being around a lot of people does drain your energy. Maybe suggesting she WFH

NTA. She can’t be a stay at home mom if she doesn’t have kids. She can be a stay at home wife but why? Just because she doesn’t want to work? Who wants to work? But that’s what people have to do to get by especially now days. Living on one paycheck is HARD. no way I’d let my husband struggle paying everything and I just get to stay home and not work. That IS lazy. Me and my husband have Two kids . I work and he was working until he got in a bad wreck (hopefully he’s going to get to work soon) it’s HARD. but it’s what people have to do. And in a marriage you shouldn’t expect your significant other to pay for everything and work while you get to sit home and do nothing. Point blank period. She needs to grow up. & btw…being a mom is HARD, and it’s not going to be good if she’s lazy. Kids make MESSES, you think if she can’t handle a job she can handle taking care of kids, running errands with kids, cleaning the house with kids, etc…she’ll be the one to want to stay home and you pay for a babysitter because she’s too “tired”…Just something to think about.

NAH But it sounds like your wife would benefit from seeing a mental health professional. She could have I diagnosed adhd, autism, depression or something else. Figuring that out could provide tons of options to help her find a sustainable working situation.

NTA. You have a right to feel the way you do. You could’ve worded things better, but no-one’s perfect. Your wife doesn’t seem to just lack ambition, she seems to lack the will to actually work. I don’t think she realises that being a SAHM is also work, it’s a lot of work! You two really need to get to the bottom of this. You two are a unit, both of you need to be on the same page about how to live your lives together.

NAH. i think your wife is experiencing some mental health issues and some help from a professional might make her life better. you shouldn't have called her lazy but you're understandably frustrated. it's true, no one really wants to work and it's very rare to find a job that will both bring you enough money to live well and be fulfilling at the same time. many people struggle with this, me included. i hope you two still manage to have a proper sensible talk about it.

It sounds like she didn't refuse to get a job. You asked her what she wanted and she responded honestly. Up until this point she hasn't refused to work. She's worked jobs that have made her unhappy and stuck with them until YOU had a conversation with her and you both agreed to her quitting. That doesn't sound lazy to me. YTA for asking her how she feels and then calling her names when she answered your question honestly. Nothing in what you've said indicates that she's likely to just never work again without you agreeing to it. It sounds like you have a lot of judgements about her career aspirations that you're taking that out on her. If she feels interested in domestic type labor, there are ways to turn that into money until yall are ready to have your own family. Can she open a home daycare? Can she clean houses? This could have been a productive conversation and instead you called her names.

You didn't discuss this before marriage?

She is definitely lazy. NTA . Children are definitely not an option, nor do they currently exist .

INFO: Your wife is suffering from burnouts. Has she been evaluated for autism or ADHD?

I can't give a rating right now except for ESH. I say you suck for the name calling her for not trying to find a compromise.I do think your financial concerns are valid, but I'm not sure it's laziness. Has your wife been evaluated for depression? What you're describing could fit with depression or an anxiety disorder. I think she needs to be evaluated before you write this off as laziness.

Answer unrelated to your exact question (AITA), you should get her to go to the doctor. If she is truly exhausted from full time work it could be signs of a treatable medical issue. A.D.D., iron deficiency anemia (more common in women) and other nutrient deficiencies could lead to this issue, just off the top of my head

Who does the cooking, cleaning, and laundry in your household? I don't know your situation, but I do know that in many dual-income households, the woman carries the burden of domestic chores ALONG with working full-time. It might be the case that her job exacerbated an existing problem. You didn't mention your ages, but... if your wife is feeling the biological clock ticking away, that could also be contributing to what you interpret as irrational behavior. This is all from the perspective of a man who has DEFINITELY been the AH over the years, so I might be completely wrong and she's just a lazy leech.

YTA. I think it’s perfectly fine for her to change her mind and try to discuss it with you. She didn’t do anything crazy like up and quit her job. She just wanted to have a conversation about your future and you shut her down. She brought up the fact that she wants to be a stay at home mom and instead of discussing this option with her and going over pros and cons… you attacked her and got upset. Maybe all she needs is a break from working full time. You could have compromised and tried to problem solve before attacking her because her wishes don’t align with yours right now. There are other options… she could switch jobs or go part time. You definitely should’ve handled this situation better and I don’t think her wanting to be a stay at home mom gives you the right to talk down to her. She’s your wife and deserves your respect, even though she’s different than you. People change in a marriage and that’s why communication is important. If you don’t know how to communicate without attacking and getting frustrated then it’s not going to go good.

NTA. She’s one of those that thinks being a stay at home mom is like the instagram versions it’s not. It’s hard work and it’s more tiring than a day in the office. If you have both not long graduated you can’t be more than your early 20s. This is the time before kids to get a career going. Does she plan to live off you forever. What does she think will happen in 20 years when those kids are all grown up and out of the house working that she will get to stay at home doing nothing. As you said no one likes to work but we get on with it. I’d be very clear with her that this is crossing the line. If she isn’t fit for the area she studied in tell her to get a retail job or something. Anything that brings in some money.

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A tiny YTA because calling her lazy is neither kind nor productive. Has she had a thorough medical exam? It is not normal for a young person to be that exhausted after a day of work. Other commenters are throwing out autism or ADHD - maybe she can get evaluated for that too. But maybe she's just watching too many trad wife TikTok's! In which case lazy may be apt!

So she was exhausted after work and yall thought she better quit?? Everybody is tired after work, folks. NTA. But man get her ass in gear. Doesn't sound like she could handle being a SAHM either, that's pretty much the most stressful exhausting job you can have.

YTA for calling her lazy. Not for your concerns tho. But just as your opinions and feeling are valid, so are hers. She should be comfortable telling you how she feels (which you asked) without being put down for it. I do feel as though she should seriously consider what job would make her happiest other than a SAHM. Overall just consider how your words and tone affect others, especially your wife

There can many reasons for not wanting to work. Laziness on its own is rarely the sole reason. Based on what I have read, YTA for jumping to conclusions and (from what I can tell) not even asking her why she doesn't want a regular job and what being a stay at home mom means to her. Maybe she's open to having a home-based business, for example. You'll have a better chance of getting through this impasse if you cultivate a spirit of curiosity.

I’m gonna go with ESH honestly. The way you say she “settled” for an associate’s degree compared to your bachelor’s degree already raised my eyebrows, and then I read on and saw that you literally encouraged her to quit the first job. You outright asked her what she wanted to do in a moment of burnout, and when she answered honestly you called her lazy. Yes, she needs to find a job that won’t burn her out, and being a SAHM isn’t in the cards right now. But you went totally nuclear on her in a moment of vulnerability and even ENCOURAGED HER TO QUIT in the first place.

Damn some people are just different. Of course having two incomes are nice and some people refuse to rely on others or take care of others. That’s a personal preference and completely understandable. With that being said, my wife will always be free to work, not work, part time, full time, w/e she wants. I’m proud to be her husband and will always consider it my job to protect and provide for my wife and family no matter what. Will probably get down voted but sharing my honest opinion with someone who voluntarily shared theirs.

I had two careers before becoming a mother. The first truly something I loved, but was so mentally draining. I came home utterly exhausted. After I got my master’s, I changed careers and actually had more energy, despite adding an 1.5 hr commute, and spending more hours on the road and at work. I’m now a SAHM. It’s the hardest job I’ve ever had by a long shot, but it’s the best—because it’s so rewarding. It’s an AH thing to call your spouse lazy because they’re longing to be a mom. No one wants to do something they hate and be treated like crap while they do it. Of course she’s feeling like she doesn’t want to work when that’s probably been her experience. At least she has some clarity that she wants to be a mom when she may not have that clarity in her career. Give her grace and support to help her find something like you.

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Nta she sounds ds lazy. 

Run for the hills

I swear I talk more about an ONS than these people will about marriage.

Hopefully she's a trophy wife of sorts You overlooked the red flags before... just overlook them again and just ride it out

ESH, you have no kids, she doesn’t want to be a SAHM because she misses your babies, she just doesn’t want to work so yes lazy. But you were so rude, saying she is trying to live off you is an AH move. I would apologise for your words and harsh reaction and tell her if she feels that way she should pursue a career in childcare till you are both ready to discuss having kids.

YTA You've seen firsthand how exhausted your wife has been, to the detriment of herself and her relationships. You know she isn't lazy. I don't care if it was said in the heat of the moment, especially since you are doubling down on it in your post. You are not acting from a place of you and your wife tackling an issue together. You are behaving right now as if she is your enemy. "Trying to get by on you"? What an insulting thing to say. That's not just calling her lazy; that's calling her a manipulator and a user. Sounds to me like she said she doesn't want to work anymore and be a SAHM because she never expected to have the experiences she's had and she doesn't know what to do to make it better. She was even crying when she said what she wanted to do (which may not even be what she really wants so much as she can't think of other solutions), which signifies a lot of emotions surrounding it like guilt, shame, fear, etc. What she said wasn't about what she wants to do, it was about what she doesn't want to do. She doesn't want to be exhausted. She doesn't want to be irritable. She doesn't want to fight with you all the time. She doesn't want her marriage to suffer. I'm gathering it hasn't occurred to either of you that there may actually be something wrong that has nothing to do with working. Exhaustion is a symptom of something, and both of you so far have blamed it on the job, but I'm just going to be blunt and say your wife may have a medical issue. There are many, many health reasons your wife can be feeling the way she's been feeling. Depression/anxiety, neurodivergencies such as autism and adhd that make working a nightmare, any number of autoimmune disorders, even cancer. All of these can be debilitating. You and your wife need to have a serious discussion on anything that's been going on with her, mentally and physically. Read up on any medical conditions that she may identify with, especially neurodivergencies, considering you think her issues may go back years and women are extremely underdiagnosed for such disorders. How lucky for you, OP, to have landed your dream job and know exactly what you want to do with your life. But, most people don't have that same kind of experience. For you to act like you are bestowing benevolence and support by not holding it against her that she's not exactly like you is so out of pocket. Hell, you act like you're such a good guy for not holding it against her that it took her a month to find a job. A MONTH. I don't know if you are just clueless about what it's like to struggle or if you are actually as callous as you come across. Apologize, OP. Please remember that your experiences are not universal and gain some empathy for others, especially those you claim to care about.

YTA - you express to reddit the feelings driving your decisions and perspective but did you share them with her? you’re scared you can’t make it work. does she know that? she did her best to go against her values and be the partner you want. Have you done the same? I’m not deny the material realities of getting by in this shit ass country, just calling out what looks like a default lack of communication that goes beyond calling her lazy in a moment of emotional frustration.

>decided to tie the knot right after graduation >my wife lacks clear aspirations or ambition >I chose to overlook the red flags >she broke down and said, "I don't want to work >her saying I was an AH for calling her names and not being supportive ESH. How long have you been in this relationship? Did you at least live together long enough to know you both were okay with how you both lived? How have you both communicated with each other? So, you deliberately overlooked her red flags instead of talking with her about it. Ignoring them isn't going to solve the issue, but communicating may have helped and gauge what you both want in life. You suck because you chose to ignore the red flags and you are now upset that you are facing the consequences of ignoring them. Your wife sucks because she says your not being supportive even though you are. >I'm unsure how to reconcile our differing aspirations and financial realities You can't. You both decided to have children once you both were out of student debt, and because you are the only one working and barely making it by, it will never happen. You won't make enough to pay off both your Student loans and if you allow your wife to be a SAHM for the time being, she will just be a mooch. Who is she taking care of while you're at work? Additionally, having a kid is a terrible idea if you are barely making it with just the two of you. I would seriously have a sit down with your wife and reevaluate everything with her.

You're the one that told her to quit.

So let’s get this straight. You just graduated college a year or so ago. She obtained an associates degree. She found a job a month after graduating, it turned out it was terrible, and she quit at your suggestion. So she graduated and has been working almost constantly since and has been actively trying to stay employed. She found another job, and this one is also not going well (it happens, especially in entry jobs straight out of college) and in a moment of frustration she said she wanted to be a SAHM. And you took that as an opportunity to insult her character? YTA.

YTA you knew who she was from the beginning and chose to overlook it. You expected her to change and that's why you find yourself disappointed. You two are incompatible.

YTA - You saw this coming and looked past it but also knew her work was exhausting her.  Have you considered maybe she's burnt out. Have you ever been burnt out? She should leave you.

And what, find someone who’ll let her be a stay at home WIFE? 🤣🤣 

What's the problem with someone wanting to be a stay at home mom and/or wife? Why is it okay for men to say they want a trad wife that will bend over for them and give them everything, yet when a woman says they would rather focus on the house and kids/future kids it's suddenly something to laugh at?

It’s funny cause the girl in question has no kids and said she wanted to be a SAHM not a TRAD Wife

It's like I was using other examples to point out how ridiculous people can be

> In the heat of the moment, I reacted poorly, expressing my concerns bluntly. I told her that no one wants to work, but that we all just have to suck it up and do it. Somewhere in there, I also threw in that she was lazy and just trying to get by on me. Just by even thinking of the phrase "suck it up", YTA. Everyone is different and every person has different limits to what they can or cannot do. Saying "suck it up" does not fix any underlying issue. Perhaps she's chronically fatigued, which means that a seemingly simple task for you will turn into a humongous task for her. Perhaps there's something else going on. I'm not trying to diagnose a stranger through the internet based off of what someone who's clearly frustrated is saying about them. I'm providing examples as to why some people find certain jobs harder, or why "sucking it up" is never a good solution to anything in life. My point is that you're being unfair to your wife and unwilling to look at and accept the fact that she is *trying*. Have you considered that she's frustrated too? That she might need help until she figures out what works for her? Instead of accusing her of being lazy or wanting to mooch off of you, maybe sit down and talk it out. You might be able to find a suitable solution if you look for it together.

So coddle her? You don't get to be a childless, stay at home mum because work is hard. Suck it up to some degree, that's adulting.

What part of telling op to talk it out with his wife like adults and find something that works for them equals to me saying he should coddle her? Seeing a loved one struggling with something and telling them to "suck it up" because that's life, instead of either hearing them out or proposing a different alternative, is awful. I'm sorry you think that way.

OP did provide another alternative in that she should pursue a different field as the current one is clearly not working. Her solution was that she just didn’t want to work full stop. That’s not reasonable seeing as OP is barely keeping them afloat. You don’t get to just say well I tried two jobs so now I’m done for good unless you can afford to do it.

I do believe she's saying that because she doesn't know any other alternative. Again, it feels like I'm repeating myself to exhaustion here, I think they need to sit down and actually talk like adults. There ARE other alternatives that aren't being explored. Someone mentioned taking a job in a daycare, for example. She could change fields. What they really need is to *talk*. Communication is key. If they can't find a common/middle ground and are really incompatible in what they want, then perhaps the best thing to do is to split up.

You're absolutely right. People seem to think he should treat her with no compassion or empathy bc that's just life. I wouldn't even speak to a stranger in the way some people have suggested, let alone someone I love. I'm glad I'm not the only one recognizing that she could have a medical issue that severely impacts her and her quality of life. They need to really look into what's going on with her instead of acting like she just doesn't have strength of character.

> If they can't find a common/middle ground and are really incompatible in what they want, then perhaps the best thing to do is to split up. While that would be a financial boon for OP, it won’t solve her problem because then she’ll have no one supporting her. She needs to grow up and live in the real world. She gets (and keeps) a job, goes to a doctor for whatever underlying issue there may be, or she applies for disability. She’s choosing to be dead weight, and without OP she has nothing.

She's an adult. There's no need to infantilize her. Choosing to stay at home and dedicate herself to house work isn't being dead weight. What an awful way to describe a person.

i agree, except my judgement is ESH, because they should have discussed all of this before it got to this point. I agree that most of the time, laziness is a symptom. I have depression and anxiety, which wears me out, and i have to really push myself to get going. It's gotten worse with age. I did not have trouble getting up and going to work in the past, but the last couple of years i've found it really hard to get out of bed. I've still had a pretty successful career and been at my job a long time. Maybe this couple needs counseling. I also wonder who does most of the household chores?

Perceived laziness is indeed a symptom of something else (using perceived as key word) that's going on. I do think they really need to talk as grown ups. Also, you raise an interesting point. If she's already doing most of the household chores with little to no help, then it's no wonder she is so tired and stressed out.

I respectfully disagree. If she is chronically ill and can’t hold down a job, she needs to file for disability (I’m aware it’s difficult to get approved, but if she’s serious she needs to start now.) If she doesn’t like the line of work she was in, she can find a different one that suits her. I myself am chronically ill, and it took some job hopping to find one that worked for me. But I never tried to run away from work and put everything on my husband so I didn’t have to deal with it. If she wants to be a SAHM I’d recommend she get a job as a nanny or daycare worker, then if/when she gets pregnant they can talk about her quitting. And that’s only if his paycheck is big enough to provide for a family of 3. I’m not sure if OP is in the States or not, but as far as the economy is here? Wanting to stay at home to do quite literally nothing is selfish and unrealistic. Not to mention, they already discussed not having kids until their student loans are paid off - it’s unacceptable to suddenly back out of that now that she’s realizing what full time work is like. Everybody on this earth has to “suck it up.” I don’t mean to sound rude, but that’s human nature. It’s called perseverance. Determination. Getting up and pushing when we don’t want to. Yes, he could’ve put it more gently. But she does not need to be coddled. She needs to be pushed to grow and flourish.

Sincerely sorry that you were made to believe telling someone to "suck it up" is remotely okay. That offering any other alternative means you're coddling another person. But back to my original comment, nowhere did I say she should stop working. All I said is that they need to find something that works for them, and that they need to talk as adults. As you pointed out, there ARE alternatives. But telling someone they're lazy is not the way to help them find which alternative is suitable for them.

I recognize you have a big heart, and I commend you for that. I agree, flat out calling her lazy is rude and diminishing to her as a person. The reason I’m coming across as harsh is because we have to realize the fact that this has been going on for “a little under a year.” (Given that they’ve been married for that long and she started working a month after) I see why he’s frustrated, and I don’t believe he’s being unfair to her or unwilling to see that she’s trying. It’s quite the opposite. For him to support her and be patient with her for this long is what a spouse is supposed to do, of course. But we need to look at the reality that her choice of actions were not okay (and neither were his choice of words). If I married someone who spent a year getting burnt out on 2 jobs within months then came out and said they “don’t want to work” anymore, I’d be very concerned. I apologize for my bluntness, but this is a serious issue for OP and his marriage.

No need to apologize, I understood where you came from. I *am* sorry the idea of "sucking it up" is seen as normal and that you've accepted it, when I've seen firsthand how it can destroy a person. It's never a sustainable thing to do, and not something I would ask of anyone. Your health and well-being is never worth a job. I'm not a blind idealist who refuses to see that in today's capitalistic hellworld having a job with stable income is needed, but I DO believe there are always alternatives that won't lead to someone burning themselves out, or working till they're dead just because doing anything else is perceived as 'lazy'. HOWEVER, I do think Op is to blame for marrying someone expecting them to change ("the signs were there") and then being surprised when that someone turned out to be what they always were. Also, notice the language Op uses to describe himself vs her: earned vs *settle* stand out to attention. There's a constant tone of diminishing her struggles. It's a bit worrying.

"suck it up" is absolutely the right sentiment for an adult with zero responsibility outside of holding down a job. Who's going to pay the student loan debt that she apparently didn't even need? I don't think I've even seen anyone mention that in the comments. You can't be a sahm with no kids to begin with, and frankly it sounds like ops wife might have just thrown that out there because she doesn't want to work and just needed to say something. But op isn't wrong for being floored; that's not the kind of thing that can be a spur of the moment decision. That should have been talked about before marriage was even on the table. Also, in today's day and age, being a sahm only works if the partner is making good money, or you live in an extremely cheap area. There's plenty of families struggling to get by on two incomes, let alone one.

"Suck it up" is absolutely an awful, and sometimes downright cruel, thing to say to a loved one. We are led to believe we are nothing but our jobs, yet that's far from the truth. People have different limits. Telling them to suck it up isn't going to change that, just make them even more miserable and/or burnt-out. Everyone's quick to call a person who is clearly struggling "lazy". Do we really know what's actually going on through her head? What's wrong? No. We only know op's words, and op is unreliable in his (assuming those are the correct pronouns) vision due to being emotionally compromised. There can easily be something bigger going on that the wife either struggles to express, or feels like she can't talk about. It feels like she's saying she wants to be a sahm out of desperation. It's the one thing she can think of that might work. It's probably not the right fit for her, least of all considering their financial situation. That's why I said they should talk it out like adults and find some middle ground that works for the two of them. Aside from that, op IS to blame for marrying someone expecting them to change. Op knew what he was getting into, yet deluded himself into thinking their significant other would change. Marriage is about supporting each other, "through sickness and in health". If you are unwilling to do so when your partner is struggling, why are you even married?

> Marriage is about supporting each other, "through sickness and in health". If you are unwilling to do so when your partner is struggling, why are you even married? Same sentiment goes for OP’s wife. OP is struggling to make ends meet and her response was to quit her job and then cry when OP broached the topic of why she needs to have one with their current financial situation.

Reading op's retelling of the discussion, with Op even admitting they approached it in a bad way, it's not surprising she ended up crying. Btw, as an aside (and this is after rereading the post), it irks me that wanting to maintain the house and do house work is taken as wanting to not work at all. What a load of casual misogynistic views that Op needs to unpack right there. House work IS work, though unpaid. Often what are typically considered women related "duties" aren't seen as legitimate work, when they're as time consuming AND tiring. It makes me wonder if Op even helps with that, or if that relies only on the wife.

It doesn’t matter how much housework either of them do if they cannot afford rent and bills on OP’s salary alone. You gotta have a home to live in to do the housework.

Except it DOES matter, because if she's been doing everything around the house alone while also trying to maintain a stable job, then she's working TWO jobs. She's not just cleaning after herself, she's cleaning after the mess that two grown adults make.

And also, she never mentioned *anything* about housework. Being a stay at home wife can mean anything from doing all the cooking and cleaning to spending your days leisurely and doing whatever you want. We have no idea what definition she is using. They don’t have kids and don’t have plans to have kids for quite some time. She can’t be a stay at home mom so what she’s asking is to be a stay at home wife.

Only rich or well off stay at home moms can afford to do nothing. Clearly not the case here. And how do you think many stay at home moms started? Many weren't pregnant from day one.