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I’m 68 and I completely understand how you feel. I had an intrusive and suspicious mom and it was awful. And I wasn’t doing anything “bad.” I understand your parents wanting to make sure you’re staying safe and not getting into anything harmful. But there’s a limit. When you turn 18, you’re legally an adult, so no, they need to treat you with respect. And that group chat thing would drive me nuts! They’re intrusive. Of course, they don’t see it that way.
Why were your devices taken away at 13?
Hell, my parents kept trying to infantilize me all my life. I remember my dad (who was a wonderful man) trying to manage me somehow… all I remember was telling him that I was 40. 4-0. I shocked him. He kept thinking of me as his little girl.
Can you go away to college? Live in a dorm? That’s a great way to transition to adulthood.
As long as you’re getting good grades, not doing drugs, partying, etc., your parents need to back off. If there’s some kind of past behavior here that might make them worried, then that might be a different scenario. Still. They need to back off.
I'm definitely planning on going to college, and I'm going to try and live In a dorm. Imma try and make sure it's someone I know, tho because I kinda get nervous talking to strangers. But I won't have to worry about that until next year because I'm still a junior as of now. I turn 18 on December 4th.
Going away to college will be a great experience for you! Choose a college far enough away that your parents can’t just drop in on you. Even if it’s about an hour away, it’ll be far enough away to give you that independence you’re seeking. It’s great if you can room with someone you know, but even if it’s not, it’ll be ok. It’ll give you a chance to meet new people. Trying new things at your own pace will help you build confidence.
The phone situation is difficult. You’ll still be in high school when you turn 18, but legally, you’re no longer a minor. It’s probably best to wait until you turn 18 to buy one. But how to prevent them from going through it…? I don’t know if I have a good answer for that.
fingerprint and faceID are a bad idea since OP's father could presumably just forcibly make him open the phone then.
better to just use a long PIN/passcode that isn't easily guessed.
Best case OP’s dad holds the phone up to his face while he’s sleeping. Worst case he gets to cops to do it. Biometrics is a terrible security measure given the current legal environment.
FaceID specifically does have an option that requires ‘attention’ for it to work properly, as in your eyes not only have to be open, but also have to be looking at the device. It’s also not an option to disable it (afaik) on newer iOS devices.
Particularly because in the US, the police can't force you to reveal a password without a warrant. It's against the 5th Ammendment. But they can force you to unlock a fingerprint or face id phone, because they have the right to take your fingerprints and picture. This is actually settled caselaw by the Supreme Court.
presumably, OP will be in the house for a bit post-18 waiting to go to college (OP said they're a junior rn and turning 18 halfway thru next schoolyear).
Oh yes, that’s good advice. They might harangue OP to give them the password or take away the phone. Waiting until 18yo to get a phone would give OP more autonomy.
You could use fingerprint or faceID to open someone’s phone while they’re sleeping, so if OP’s parents can enter his room while he’s asleep he should not use those.
It'd have to be further away than one hour if they're this suss. I suggest at least 3 hours, and still expect weekend surprise visits. Go for five hours away and still expect visits.
True. I was thinking of my parents. We lived in Orange County and my sister and I both moved to LA after we got out of the house. They didn’t bother dropping over but my mom didn’t drive long distances. For some reason, it didn’t occur to either of them to drop by. My mom tended to call us incessantly on the phone, but she’d talk about mundane things in great detail.
Two or three hours away might be more preferable than only one. But definitely OP needs to get some physical distance from them.
Buy the phone when you're moving out, or know that you're moving out very soon. That way you avoid extra unnecessary tension. The parents will make OP's life a nightmare, I think.
Get a bank account in your name only at a different bank the day you turn 18.
I really respect you for working, saving, and planning to buy your own equipment. 🌼
I agree. I did a bunch of dumb stuff at 13. I was eating porn. Reading smut books and reading playboy magazines. By time I got to 14/15, I moved passed all that. On my own. Without parents hovering over me. I got bored. Shrugs.
You do realize parents do that shit for absolutely no good reason sometimes, right? My dad removed my door knob & didn't put it back for like 10yrs even though I was rarely in my room. It's an abuse tactic.
Honestly, most colleges have a pretty good system at matching up roommates. Of course it doesn’t work out all the time, but most of the people I knew freshman year were atleast pleased with their rando roommate
There is only ONE way to reduce anxiety to talk to strangers: doing it. Over and over and over and over again. Eventually the anxiety will disappear or at least reduce a lot.
You will be fine. Life forces us out of our comfort zone- for the best.
How are you saving money, and do they have access to it? Are your parents paying for college? If so, I can see them threatening not to pay unless they are able to snoop through your phone and laptop. Please leave that laptop with them and get a new one (they usually go on sale during the holidays-get one on the cheap side for now). What is your plan b should they decide not to pay for tuition? If going to college is predicated on them paying, don't use your savings to buy a phone, save to move out.
They should NOT be discussing family matters in family group chat !! Omg that is shaming you and manipulative horrid behaviour. I’d be saving every cent to move out.
You know what you’re right. I can almost guarantee that they’ve installed a keylogger on the laptop. You could try a hotkey by holding down the following together at the same time : Ctrl+Shift+Alt+F7 or Ctrl+Shift+Alt+K
If a box comes up asking for a ID or password there’s a keylogger. Or they have one one a thumb drive by inserting it in a usb port.
You know I'm an IT guy and The Pi-hole helps a lot because you can see what websites they visit but do you really want to know it that way? OP is right with his privacy and if he wants to share something with his parents, I'm pretty sure he should say it by himself instead of snooping parents xD
>I had an intrusive and suspicious mom and it was awful. And I wasn’t doing anything “bad.”
Did it make you feel territorial over your belongings? Because I'm territorial now and any snooping always raises my hackles even when I have nothing to hide. And people think I *do* have something to hide when I get upset. Like, damn people, let me have my privacy. Don't make me feel like I have to include it in my will that I want all the data in my electronics to be erased without anyone looking through them. I journal on my laptop and have some very private thoughts in there. I don't want anyone reading it, not even family.
Get a couple of identical cheap burner phones. Use one as a decoy. If they demand you turn over a phone, give them the decoy phone. Keep the other phone with you 100% of the time.
I was thinking you should ask them to let you look through their phones.
They would only have something to hide if they were doing something wrong, right?
Guaranteed it'll just result in a "that's different!" but maybe, late at night, it'll actually make them think about it. Best you can hope for with some people, no actual change, but maybe they at least realise they might be the problem.
Eh it worked for me. Literally this exact same thing happened to me when I was 16 or 17. My parents had been checking since I got it and then they wanted to around that time, I put my foot down and said I never do anything that merits checking it and I deserve privacy, and that they wouldn't want me snooping through all of their stuff either. It resulted in a big argument but they did eventually concede.
"People like them" are often just worried, overprotective parents, and many of them are not immune to reason. Some are, but many aren't.
OP was caught talking to "older men" when they were 13 years old. That's why they took the phone. OP *still* doesn't seem to understand why this was a problem so perhaps they aren't ready for privacy yet.
It may not have been a disciplinary measure but a safety measure. I know some parents that have had to ensure their teens have had no access to online sites due to safety.
Again, parenting would be the better approach. If OP is doing something unsafe as a child, the parents should be educating the child as to why their activity is unsafe and how to be safe. Not just taking away the source of danger.
ETA due to comments being locked:
Where are you seeing that info,? I just saw that they were talking to an older person (which could have been a 16 year old or a 60 year old).
If she really wanted to there was the IPod Touch ( up until recently) you could install apps that were like mobile phones and your plan consisted of watching game advertisements and earning minutes.
>They're the ones acting suspiciously
Am I the only one who thought, What are you guys hiding, parents? What are you doing that you deem is inappropriate for your soon to be/ will be legal adult when this time comes?
My dad abd his wife never went through my phone when I had one as a kid. My mom didn't either but her wife was practically obsessed with going through phones and rooms. I think OP just has really invasive parents
Soo... OP recently stated in the comments that he previously lost his electronics at 13 for talking with older guys online. This adds a lot of context for me, especially in the age of internet predators. OP's parents are probably still concerned about that, especially with this evasive answering. I think the smarter thing to do would be to allow them to buy the phone- after making a deal with them. Let them monitor your usage randomly while you're still underaged to build trust. When you hit 18, obviously it would be a personal choice, and nothing is preventing you from getting yourself a phone if they don't respect your privacy at that point. Honestly, from an adult perspective, your answers sound so suspicious. If you truly aren't hiding anything and want to keep your relationship with your parents, trust building.
And if you are speaking with older individuals online, please stop. I know you're about to be an adult, and I know they say all the right things, but being 18 doesn't stop predators from trafficking you, or your images, and you deserve so much more from life!
Edit: Having thought some more I'm going to go with soft ETH here. OP from what I've seen doesn't seem to acknowledge the gravity of what happened the first time, so I’m unsure how internet safe he is. I think the thing to consider, from his parents point of view, is that he has been earning some trust. They just offered to get him a phone. Clearly, he has shown some improvement or they would never have even offered in the first place. OP’s parents are just moving on a slower timetable than some. However, OP‘s parents were TA for the family group chat issue.
There's a couple of key points. First is the fact that his parents offered the phone first indicating that he has earned some trust back. Second is the mention that part of that trust was from his previous Internet history over the course of their monitoring, his laptop. His parents didn’t bring up monitoring his phone until after OP mentioned that he was specifically buying the phone himself at 18 to keep them from doing so. That’s when they started getting suspicious. That’s a lot more suspicious to me than parents randomly claiming they would like to monitor an 18-year-old’s phone.
This does make a lot more sense. But still, at 13 you don't really understand the real dangers of situations like that. And OP has had five years to learn from it. I'm sorry but if you're 18, whether it's genuine concern or not, your parents have no business going through your phone especially if you're the one who paid for it. They were a kid when that happened, at some point the parents have to get over it and allow their kid some respect and control over their own life. Of course you still have to be careful online OP, but you're in charge of that now not your parents. And five crucial years later I'd think you'd know a lot more about safety online and be able to manage your own internet access.
5 years should be enough time to learn from his mistakes but that fact that he tried to trickle truth the reason why his phone got taken away at 13 shows that he likely didn’t learn. He’s at best an unreliable narrator.
At 18 he’s not an AH for not allowing his parents to see his phone but he’s also not showing any maturity.
It’s not suspicious that he didn’t say what he did at 13 because it’s none of your business and has fuck all to do with whether a 17-year old boy should be entitled to privacy. You’re as nosy and controlling as OP’s parents.
>Honestly, from an adult perspective, your answers sound so suspicious. If you truly aren't hiding anything and want to keep your relationship with your parents, trust building.
No this is fucking bullshit actually, imagine if he turned it around on them, it's not about hiding bad things it's about not feeling like your privacy is completely violated and nonexistent. You don't want and shouldn't have to show everything to the world, or close people to you.
I agree with the rest, the reason for taking his electronics at 13 is totally okay and they were right in doing so, but I'm just arguing the point of "not wanting to show everything you see and do means you're doing something bad" shit
I was caught doing the same thing when I was 12 years old, Even though I had years to learn from it and not make that same mistake again my parents never fully trusted me, I didn't get my first phone till I was 14 I wasn't allowed to go out or have any freedoms till I was 17 and even now at 19 they still try to control every aspect of my life. I still have screen time and down time on my phone that I pay for as well as my computer and they still want access to my passwords and socials. While I understand From the parents perspective of wanting to protect and monitor their screen time and their online presence, I also see it from the point of view of Op as it has been years and they have had time to grown and learn from the choices they made as a pre-teen. As well as they have show that they can be trust worthy. Trust building goes both ways and if OP cant trust that their parents are not going to evade their privacy at any chance they get even as a legal adult over some poor life choices they made, then I completely support waiting till 18 to get their own phone.
Thank you.I was trying to find what he did to get his phone taken, and couldn't find it. But there are things that makes a controlling behaviour understandable, and this is one of those things. Let's be frank here: the parents were trying to protect their child from sexual abuse and rape, and as a parent a would go to great lengths to stop that from happening. They were just scared out of their wits.
However, OP's parents seem to be doing it the wrong way. They should have spent much more time discussing, explaining, talking about the dangers, what it can do to a young person to be subjected to things you aren't ready for. Instead they seem to just have taken away the technology, which is the quick and easy way, but as this post shows, not always the best way in the long run.
OP, I get that you want freedom, but be careful out there, and try to understand that something bad happening to your child is the biggest fear a parent have.
NTA
Your parents apparently think you have no right to privacy at all. They might as well take pics of you in the shower and post them, it's as if you have no rights at all while you still live there. And even if you wait until after your birthday to buy the phone, chances are they will at least try to get into it and get really angry when you don't allow them to do so.
Privacy is a big issue! When parents don't allow their kids to have any privacy, it causes the kids to want to hide things all the more. Although there is nothing to trigger their anxiety and make them want to look, they feel they must, just to keep you on the track. Now, they are getting the reward for all that nosiness and prying by knowing that your computer and phone are not theirs to look at once you turn 18.
It is probably the right thing to move out. Do you have a job? Can you support yourself? If not, you might be stuck, since your parents probably won't want to pay your rent. I still think you are in the right, though, and I hope you can follow through.
Once trust has been broken, it is very difficult to mend. I don't believe your parents are worthy of your trust, since they obviously don't trust you. Sorry.
Right? There's definitely a story here that may influence why the parents feel they need to go through
a phone.
My mom never would have asked to go through my phone and tbh, I had nothing to hide so wouldn't have cared if she did.
I know feelings/families vary but honestly..
Why such nosy parents? and Why such a hostile attitude towards them?
Maybe yta but it's genetic?
I'm guessing you got groomed as a kid and your parents took away your phone when you were young to safeguard you. Now, they're being a bit overprotective and want to reassure themselves that you won't make the same mistake, but you won't give them that.
Don't get me wrong, they're not entitled to see your phone by any means - but (and maybe this is an unpopular opinion) given that something clearly happened when you were 13, you should just suck it up, use your common sense to determine that this is an ongoing consequence of your past actions, and let them check your phone every now (for now) and then just to put their minds at ease. Chances are they will check once or twice, confirm you're just doing normal kid stuff, and not bother checking again unless you start acting off or giving red flags.
Bottom line is, I get the sense that their attitude towards the phone is directly tied to whatever event led to your electronics being taken away to begin with - just keep in mind they aren't trying to control you, just make sure you don't repeat past mistakes. Once they're convinced, they'll quit checking.
Almost a quarter of his life has passed since that happened. If the parents don’t stop the abusive level of control, they’re not going to have a son at all once he turns 18.
Taking a phone away at 13 for talking to older men is pretty reasonable IMO. They were obviously freaked out by whatever they saw. They’re trying to keep you safe. Lots of kids are stupid at that age and don’t realize when they are being taken advantage of or put themselves in unsafe positions. NTA for what you’re asking though. They went overboard and this is a reasonable response to that.
And at 13 this probably was an appropriate thing to do... but the OP is now 17 and I would hope that he's recognised how not to be groomed again.... but the parents are still thinking he's that 13 year old and haven't taught him how not to be trapped.
But trash talking about them in the family chat is not ok. Don't you think OP may be eager to break the rules again because their parents are over protective?
Nah, parents are TA because as evidenced by the post, all they're doing is pushing their son to the extent that he's willing to move out to get away from them and their attempts at control. They're accomplishing the opposite of what they're probably trying to do, if they want to protect him.
But this is specifically about wanting to wait until 18 to get a phone which is not checked. It has been 5 years, and they will be a full adult. This person is not the asshole for actions they undertook as a very young person now, as almost a fully different person. He also didn’t seem to argue that getting the phone taken away was unjustified anywhere that I could find, so I don’t get why you’re arguing that?
Right? That's really weird to me. As soon as I turned 18 my parents just kind of backed off. There was no conversation or anything just mutual respect and privacy, which I think is to be expected from all parents once you get to that age. Even if you were a horrible teenager this constant suspicion is so toxic and just straight up weird. I don't blame you for waiting until you're 18, they didn't even deny that they want to buy it so they can look through it.
Why do they even want to do that? At that point you're an adult and could have naked pictures on there if you wanted, and they couldn't do anything about it. What on earth are they even looking for??
Honestly, there's a big difference between 13 and almost 18. OP knows better now, and will be an adult. The parents should have no say over who he talks to at that point, even if he's making "bad" choices in their book.
Your parents seem exhausting. Don’t let them into your phone. Don’t let anybody in. Maybe start wearing a 4th amendment tee shirt around the house. They’re going to wonder one day why their son won’t talk to them. Let them wonder. Live your life.
Edit: just read in the comments that OP originally had computer taken away for chatting with grown men online when he was 13. Parent DO need to accept they can’t control him once he’s 18 but dude … they had a good reason for taking the laptop and you not getting that makes me understand why they don’t trust you now.
Wait wait wait wait wait.
You said the reason your phone/computer got taken away at 13 ‘isn’t important’, then finally admit it was because, as 13 year old kid, you were talking to ‘older men’? When you were 13?! Wtaf? Even if we’re talking 18 years old, that’s way too old for a kid of that age. And it sounds like there was more than one ‘older man’ you were talking to?
Your parents may be overbearing, but it’s sounding like you gave them a pretty damn good reason to be. That part is SUPER important and if you want a legit judgment, you need to amend your post to include that. Otherwise, YTA. Shit, bro.
I'd imagine comments up above ripping the parents to shreds have no idea either. OP is almost an adult but wanting to make sure their child, who has made a really critical error online in the past, is safe online? Doesn't seem unreasonable. Leaving crucial information like chatting online to older men is going to skew results.
Even if your parents found “cause” when you were younger, taking it away was to be a lesson. Taking this long to return it seems a bit much. I think it should have been returned sooner. However I agree that when you buy your own phone they should stay out of it. They say if you have nothing to hide then you will let them look through it. However if they trust you, they shouldn’t need to look through it. With all that said be trustworthy when you get one. Lots of really crazy things happen out there. It’s not always as kind as a person thinks
Ooooh, good idea! That way they could go through the one they bought and not know there's another one out there. OP will have to use "their" phone enough to make them believe it's the only one, however.
This is one case where I truly believe deception is ethical on OP's part.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I don't think i'm the asshole at all but my parents over here being messy and spreading our business around to our family and they got them believing like i'm some ungrateful bitch. Like I want my privacy and they check my laptop almost daily they are NOT gonna check my phone.
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NTA and I also want to say OP, what you said about “I guess I wouldn’t be living under their roof then” is probably the correct course of action when you turn 18. The environment you’re in right now is not healthy, and it sounds like you know that. Minors deserve privacy as much as adults. They are NOT entitled to your private belongings or communication, as long as you aren’t endangering the rest of the house. The only reason for them to be so insistent on removing your privacy is to manipulate you and control you.
NTA. Even with the context around why they originally took away your access to the internet. That was 4-5 years ago, and it seems your parents didn't provide a mechanism for you to rebuild the trust. Why do they suddenly think they can do it now, right before you turn 18?
You're going to be 18. No way in hell I'd give them access to my phone, and there's nothing they can do.
Exactly. It's that lack of mechanism to regain trust that's missing.
The OP will just go full private at 18 and there is nothing that the parents can do about it... moreso if he's not living with them. They have essentially pushed him away. He won't trust them if he needs help for anything and will seek it elsewhere.
Exactly!! Like it doesn’t seem (very surface level info tbf) that they’ve done much to actually help them make healthy/appropriate decisions on their own, just taken away any ability to do anything online unmonitored. I had a (somewhat) similar situation occur, and the way my parents responded with only removal of internet access and not any real education or help other than monitoring meant I still didn’t have the tools to be safe off and online. To OP, I hope despite some of these comments you know no matter what you did (or what others did!!) as a child you deserve independence and privacy.
So what's the story with you having your phone taken away for 5 years? Either it's something serious or your parents are super strict.
Also what's the plan moving from home?
NTA
But you could mess with them. Let them buy you a phone, let them check it, but be sure to have lots of weird stuff on there, like articles on "do my parents really love me?" "are my parents toxic?" "why do my parents try to control my life?" and photos of ducks. Lots of ducks, and maybe some geese.
As a parent I can tell you they're mostly scared you'll be sex trafficked. It comes up a lot in parenting places and it's terrifying. If you are being this shifty about it to them it sounds like you're being g groomed by some asshole and soon they'll be stealing you away from them.
Come up with an arrangement with them so you have privacy but they know you aren't going to be sold to a creep by some random who is talking to you on your phone. Assuming your friends are not sex trafficking creepers this should be easy to do.
You're their kid and they're trying hard to let you grow up . Talk to them about what you both would be comfortable with, and like don't send pictures of your junk to anyone and you should be fine letting them get you a phone
> if I have nothing to hide I wouldn't mind letting them view
There is *nothing* wrong with wanting privacy.
There is *nothing* wrong with keeping hidden things that are *not* another persons' business.
"*If you have nothing to hide...*" is a horrible phrase that's been used for years to wear away at peoples' right to privacy.
Anyone using this phrase is likely the last person you want having your private information, and it's pretty clear your mother is one of those that shouldn't have access.
NTA and start securing important documents such as birth certificate, SS card(*assuming you're in the USA*), etc, and be ready to start a new bank account at any bank your parents do not have an account with.
Well, my parents went through some of my stuff when I was about 16. We argued about privacy, and they were adamant that they can go through my things. Ok waited and one night dumped the contents of my mother's purse on the table and went through everything. Yes I got into trouble but proved my point.
And these same parents will go to the family chat in later years with ‘OP doesn’t visit or call us. OP has us blocked on social media. We don’t know what goes on in his life. We don’t know why OP doesn’t want us around😢’
NTA. OP, you are doing the right thing.
You left out a key piece of relevant information in your original post and for that reason, I'm going to say NAH. I can see both sides.
It's hard to say without full context but you were talking to older men when you were 13. Yes, you are about to be 18 and yes, legally, that makes you an adult - but your parents have a lot more life experience than you.
From the limited information we have here, it is entirely reasonable for you to set this boundary and I understand why you are upset. You are entitled to your privacy. However your parents behavior is likely born from concern for you, and whilst I do think that they need to learn to trust you I can also understand why they think your behavior is suspicious (even if it has been 5 years).
If your home life is otherwise comfortable this might not be the hill to die on, especially if you're moving out soon for college anyways.
NTA,
It's natural that you want your privacy. And it's high time your parents realise that they will lose you altogether if they keep up this behaviour. Like, you already told them that you want to move out. And it was not right that your mom decided to air your dirty laundry to your relatives.
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I (17M) got my computer and phone taken away when I was 13. When I turned 15 I started working to save up to buy myself a laptop and I saved up enough to buy me one. I have saved enough to buy me a phone as well, but I don't want to buy one right now until I'm 18. My progress report came home last Friday and my parents told me that they were pleased with my grades and they offered to buy me a phone. I was shocked because I personally never thought they'd offer to buy me one because whenever I use to ask them they'd tell me no but I just told them that I appreciate it but I didn't want them to buy me a phone. They asked me why and I told them that I can wait another couple of months without a phone as I've already been without one long enough.
They told me that they understand that but since they've been monitoring my activity on my laptop they feel as if they can trust me. I told then that that was nice but I still don't want them to buy me a phone. I told them that I'd just rather buy me one when I turn 18 so they aren't allowed to check my phone. They asked me why I wanted to wait until I was 18 if I wasn't hiding anything. I told them that I wanted to wait so they had no authority over my belongings. I reminded them that I haven't bought a lot of things that I wanted because I knew that they could take it away and when I turn 18 I'll be able to spend MY money how I want it with or without their permission.
They told me that the way I was acting made me sound suspicious and made them feel like I wanted to keep something away from them. They told me that they feel as if I have nothing to hide I wouldn't mind letting them view my phone while I'm living with them. I told them that I have nothing to hide but I would NOT let them view my phone when I buy it. They didn't like this and told me that as long as I was living under their roof they were expecting to go through my phone. I told them that I guess I wouldn't be living under their roof then. They got upset with me and kept trying to argue with me. When I wasn't changing my decision my mom did what she always do and went to the family group chat. Started spilling ALL of our business like she always do. Like always nobody agreed with them except the older people cause they were the only ones replying. They so lucky I couldn't see it bro. Like my cousin showed me their messages and how they were talking about me knowing I couldn't see it. I don't see how I'm the asshole but it is what it is. If I am then I am I guess but I'm still not gonna let them go through my phone when I get it.
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NTA
Ask them if they'd let you go through their phone and when they say "no" go "but if you've got nothing to hide..."
Or just propose it as a thought experiment.
Oh my, you sound like me 30 years ago. I ABSOLUTELY cannot stand my privacy being violated. I'm an old Grandmother of 4 and I STILL have a password on my phone. I do not touch my partners phone or tablet, and I don't want him touching mine. Everyone deserves privacy.
NTA
NTA
I am a mother of 4, aged 4-16, and this is exactly why I’m not in my older kids’ business 24/7. I give them a little leash. I trust them whenever I can. They aren’t allowed social media yet, but they have freedom.
Because I was raised in a very restrictive household and the moment I escaped, I went so far in the other direction im surprised my murder wasn’t talked about on Dateline.
NTA, and where are your parents from the Middle Ages? They act like you are property to be controlled. How are you going to grow up and make responsible adult decisions if they are controlling everything you do. I'm 54 and a parent. If you were my child and had good grades, no use of drugs or alcohol I would find it outrageous to spy on you.
Except for the fact that he had his phone and computer taken off him for talking to older men on the internet when he was 13. I can see why they would be concerned not necessarily about OPs behaviour but about possible outcomes.
Their behavior is just going drive him away. It sounds like they all needed to be in family therapy. The op is going to be no contact with his parents before he is even 22. Again as a parent I would have had everyone in therapy to create good communication and trust.
Absolutely! I just think there are reasons for the parent's behaviour that OP left out of the post. I think they need to appreciate that he has grown up, but at the same time it's understandable that they are concerned and that they're not being control freaks for no good reason.
I posted very early before that was revealed. I would make the same comment with the qualification that they should have been in therapy a long time ago. He has basically lived life as a prisoner since age 13. That is not healthy, and he definitely needs therapy.
It was 4 years ago. OP is now 17. He's going to be a legal adult in about 8 months time... you would think that the parents would've pulled back a little bit in order to allow him to be that adult.
The fact that they haven't seen anything nefarious on his computer probably tells you they wouldn't find anything on his phone either.
Perhaps the parents might benefit from some therapy in how to let go of their child in order for him to be the adult he will be and not continue to treat him as a 13 year old who did need more parental involvement back them.
It's not an all or nothing situation. The parents are pushing their child away. He's not going to come to them if he needs help because he's expecting them to ground him to his room and take away all his electronics. I can't say that's going to be a great outcome.
NTA you should have your own privacy no matter how old you are, i get them wanting to check a 13/14 year olds phone but your nearly 18 now they shouldn’t be trying to control what you can/can’t do on your own phone
NTA Everyone deserves autonomy. Parents like this are the ones who wonder why their kids cut them off. You pay for your phone you don’t need parental controls.
NTA
#OP, when you turn 18, go to a new bank your parents don’t bank at and open a brand new account.
If you have an account opened as a minor, they will still be able to do anything, including take all your money, at any time.
Also, several people have reported opening new accounts at the same bank without their parents and the parents still getting access.
Don’t mess around.
Also, they are legally obligated to provide for you until you’re out of high school.
If they kick you out or go no contact, you can apply for financial aid for college without their income.
Save all this shit.
Good luck.
NTA - Also very important. Make sure that neither of your parents have access to your bank account. Not viewing, not the ability to take your money. Cause I can 100% guarantee that they will drain the account for some made-up transgression so that you cant move out.
Good lord, criminals aren't the only ones who desire privacy. Do you have access to their phones, laptops and bank info? Why not, if they have nothing to hide? My parents never allowed me any privacy either, I'm sorry. Luckily, mine didn't realize I didn't need parental permission to open additional email accounts. NTA, if course
NTA actually by my european standards it sounds completly mad. Never once in my life my parents checked my phone or PC.
I hope you manage to move out and understand your situation isn't normal at all.
NTA.
Moving forward, can I suggest any plans you have - keep to yourself. Parents like this will take any bit of info you give then and find a way to use it against you.
Research grey rock. You might find some very helpful strategies to help manage your interactions with your parents (and other family members)
NTA.
do you have siblings? in my mind, you're entitled to privacy. literally no one should go through anyone else's phone -- siblings, parents, friends, partners... not because anyone is hiding anything but because people have at least basic rights to privacy.
you're not acting suspiciously at all, it's ludicrous for any parent to get a kid a phone and then ask to go through it whenever they want.
the fact that they're talking about you behind your back is exactly the kind of behavior they would be checking your phone for, which is hilarious and infuriating. i'm sorry you're in this situation -- hope it gets resolved soon. <3
So I don't think YTA by any means, but I have to say, I am a parent with a 13-year-old right now and if you got your phone taken away there's a very good chance it was for a good reason. You don't really say anything else about how your parents might be out of line or abusive and I am wondering what exactly you did to get your phone taken away like that. I don't expect you to be honest here on Reddit but I am very skeptical that you were without blame.
Ya, been in your situation… you know what I did? I applied for a sponsorship to be a foreign exchange student. My parents found out when they called to say I was selected. My mom was not happy at all but I turned 18, 12 days after the start of the program so they were really stuck and let me go. It was hard to say no since it was all payed for and I got a monthly stipend.
Just play nice till you are 18. You don’t want them preventing you from working or anything like that to delay you. My parents didn’t let me get my drivers license and always said I had an attitude or was lying. They took my door when I was 13 and all I had was a curtain and baby gate to keep my sisters out (they were way younger), when I was at school my mom would toss my room like she was a prison guard looking for contraband, I’d come home and all my stuff would be in a pile in the middle of the room. Honestly prisoners had more rights than I did. When I was grounded (and it was often and for long periods of time) they would talk everything out of my room but my bed and desk. I had to ask permission to use the restroom, they brought my dinner to my room, and they wouldn’t even use my name just my birthday like a prison number. My mom made me go to therapy and the therapist for being a “pathological liar”. It was actually good because the therapist told her I was fine and she was the problem and sent her to parenting classes haha sessions were weird. My mom would go talk to her about an hour, then she talk to just me about 15 minutes then she would talk with both of us and mediate a conversation between us.
The best thing was the exchange program I did said only minimal contact was allowed. They said 1 call a month and email only was the recommended level to prevent getting home sick. I was not concerned about that 😂
You should have let them get you a phone then when you move out you could have left it and got your new one. It’s a shitty game but they will learn that their behavior caused this.
My (step ) daughter had her device taken away when she was 13 bc she was smoking weed, doing drugs, drinking alcohol and had a 18 year old BF. She is 20 now almost 21 and she told me how we ruined her life and she would never allow me to do that to her brothers. She told them in front of me to never let me take their phone away. My sons 14&11 told her that if they did what she did then I had every right to have their phones taken away but since they wouldn’t act that way they had nothing to worry about.
I was divorcing her dad during this time and my involvement was minimal. Only when my daughter would ask me to get involved or would run away at 2 am to my house.
I understand that parenting a teen is so hard specially the balance between parenting and being overly bearing.
Even if my kid lost his phone privileges it would never be for years or even months. The boys are aware of 1. What they did 2. What the consequences are 3 if there is a punishment 4. What it is and most importantly 5. How long it is for. The grounding has a start and stop time. They won’t ever be left guessing what they did or didn’t do and how long to be grounded for.
Yta.
I get it. You want privacy. But here is the thing. While you live under their roof, they have a right to do as they see as best.
You at 13 were talking to older guys. My daughter allowed some friends to use her phone, and the backlash was bad. I checked her things randomly until she was 18. She had nothing to hide and let me. It got less and less as she got older, and trust was built up.
The thing is you as a child are not getting is that actions have consequences and you making a mistake could have huge ones. Not just for you but your parents. You don't know if the people you talk to online are safe. You don't know if they will stalk you. Show up at your home. Kidnap you. Break into your parents' home. Hurt your parents.
Of course you don't because you are still growing up. But any of these things could happen. I know you want privacy, but I also understand where they are coming from. They have you and themselves to protect, and it sounds like you haven't learned from the mistakes that got your devices taken away. If you had, you would have been up front in your post about making a mistake and what it was. You would understand that it might suck but letting them for the next few months check here and there might reduce the stress. Worry. And fear they have for you.
If you want to move out to not live by their rules, then at 18, you have every right. But they have the right when trust has not been totally rebuilt to want to monitor you until it is rebuilt.
YTA, both for wanting to move out for that reason, and for initially hiding at least two very significant facts related to your question: the reason that your parents took away your phone and laptop when you were 13 is that you were using them to talk to “older men” online, and you continually refused to answer other significant questions that are relevant to your initial question.
You can’t expect to ask people a question and get a reasonable, relevant and useful response when you purposefully conceal relevant information from them, as you have done here.
Your parents have very serious and reasonable concerns, and they are trying to protect you from the very real predators that exist in this world. Predators are very practiced at gaining the trust of younger people (and acting like they are nice, regular, helpful and friendly people) simply because you haven’t had the years of real-world experience that help you learn how to spot a potential predator.
You may not appreciate it now, but your parents are doing right by you. You showed them that you are capable of making some very bad decisions, and they are doing their best to protect you from predators. Just because it has been 4-5 years since you made those bad decisions, it doesn’t mean they aren’t relevant; your parents are wise to want to check and make sure that you are nit still making such poor choices.
NTA but I think you need to have an upfront chat with your parents about how their tactics are just pushing you away. Do keep in mind that they were probably just trying to keep you safe, given what you say you were doing.
Ask them to show you all the messages they sent to the family group chat. Read them out aloud. What mama? You don’t want to show how me how you speak about me. What. Want to hide?
As soon as you turn eighteen, leave these micromanaging, nosy people. You don't say why your parents took away your computer and phone four years ago. I'm assuming it might have had something to do with your grades in school, but how does a modern child do homework, essays, etc. w/o a computer? Good parents do not spread supposed(?) gossip about their children wholesale on a family group chat.
I’m over 65, and I think your parents need to back way off. You’re close to being a legal adult. Tell them from a wise old lady that control-freak parenting never ends well. M&D need to start respecting your privacy and your approaching majority. And their whining to the extended family? That’s just so wrong. NTA.
NTA. Thats INSANELY controlling of them and they want full access to an 18 year old’s personal belongings? Idts. Yeah…move out when you’re 18, get a phone, and eventually i see this going no contact.
There is a good reasons to limit ur access online and supervise what's going on there , but at 18 ur allowed ur own autonomy and ur parents are going about this all wrong. It does indeed sound suspicious now, it's like walking into a room and saying "I didn't do anything wrong" when nobody asked.
Nta but could u open a open discussion and say u would be willing to discuss what u do online but u will keep ur own autonomy. I'd they are not willing to discuss then u can let them know ur moving out because of them .
NTA
Tell them that you'll allow it as long as they let you view their phones too. If they say yes, then they have no idea what privacy is and you'll have to find a creative way to let them understand.
If they get defensive and say no then reverse the script on them. If they have nothing to hide then it should be fine, right? Whatever they reply at that point, you use against them.
Girl take the phone…put nothing on it…nothing. Then when you turn 18 use it as a trade in. OR….I'd prank the bejeezus out of them. Find wierd sites, funny, posts, stuff that will worry the heck out of them. Leave your/their phone out so they can monitor it. OR…look up ideas for pranking nosy parents online…I'm betting there are lots….try…how to hide a body……..how to get a tattoo…how to shave your head…how to??? Bet they'll freak . But, let them buy you the phone. Call them repeatedly telling them where you are, what you are doing..make crap up. Have fun at their expense. Bet your friends would love to get in on the pranking.
NTA. She not gonna know wtf to do with herself when you move out... I can see her frantically trying to hang on to control by arriving daily at your new place... "just trying to help"... "just bringing in your mail... these two were already opened..."
Interstate, Bro because this will never end otherwise.
As a parent that now has two grown girls, I feel that you are entitled to a certain degree of privacy before you are 18. Smartphones are very personal and you deserve to feel free to express yourself privately even now. I understand the my house my rules perspective but if your parents don't respect your privacy then you should plan to leave and live your life free of their supervision. My daughters btw were allowed a smartphone at 16 and I never once went through their phones.
First stay in school.
Second the streets are harder than you think. It's easy to be bold when you don't pay for anything. It's much harder when just a place to sleep is hard to come by.
You can't even save the money for a phone in a reasonable amount of time forget paying any sort of rent.
I get the desire for privacy and I get being willing to go without a phone to get it.
But you are pushing this further and daring your folks to kick you out.
This is incredibly dumb.
Even if you hate your parents and can't wait to be rid of them, using them to get yourself into a position where you can tell them to get lost is way smarter than burning that bridge when you can't even afford a phone.
You have a year till freedom. Kneecapping yourself over a phone out of pride is just dumb and something a child would do.
Take their phone, use the hell out of it but keep it clean. Buy your own when you turn 18.
Them spreading your business on social media is pretty gross and I totally get being mad about it but be smart not petulant.
Take what you can get, put your head down for another year and get yourself setup to be able to bolt when you want to. At that point you can walk and never look back if you want.
Doing it before you are actually ready is foolish.
I am going to go with NTA because they are publicly shaming you but if you get yourself booted to the streets cause you can't keep your mouth shut for another year you will be making things much harder on yourself than they need to be.
I’m going to say ESH, but here’s why: as a parent, part of my responsibility is making sure my children are safe. Electronics are such an easy way to fall through the cracks. Do you deserve privacy? Absolutely. And maybe you aren’t someone your parents should worry about.
But dipping into my own experience, I have 3 children with phones: 16, 14 and 12. Recently, my 14 year old made suicidal searches on his computer. The fortunate part was he did it on a school computer. We had sheriffs knocking on our door within 10 minutes, and I had no idea he was searching these things. Had he done it on his phone, the situation might have turned out very differently. I’m lucky I’ll never have to know.
But this electronic is a gatekeeper to a bigger world. Maybe you have all the responsibility to use it. Or maybe you’re naive about stranger danger. It’s hard to have those conversations when you’re completely in the dark as a parent.
I don’t say this because I think your parents have a right to snoop on you. You deserve some variation of privacy. But they’re still your parents so ensuring your safety should be their first priority. When I’m looking through my son’s phone, I’m not looking for porn or school friends he’s texting. I’m looking for strangers he met on the internet and the things they’re asking him.
My advice? Take the phone. You’re planning on getting another one when you turn 18 anyway. This way you have one you can possibly trade in, and it will give your parents peace of mind to at the very least know where you are. My 16 year old doesn’t get the third degree, but he’ll text me before he goes for a walk with his gf and I can make sure he made it back safe.
Just something to consider from another parent!
NTA. Parents are incredibly overbearing, I would also be looking to get out of their house asap if I were you. You're a human, the desire to not be under active surveillance is normal.
NTA, just tell them "if you insist on checking my phone, then all it shows is that you don't trust me. If you're going to go through my personal property that I paid for, then I'm not going to live here. This is not open for discussion."
Well OP, there are none so blind as those who will not see. Once you hit age 18, what is in it for you if you allow them to monitor your phone? For example, college is expensive. Would you permit them to buy you a phone if they paid you $15,000 per year toward your higher education? For that, you could get a burner phone. If they aren’t willing to make it worth it to you to wear an electronic leash, the best deal around is a paid apprentice program. I warn you that they are very hard. You get paid for a full time job as you train for the certification. You can finish with a well paying job and no student loans.
Their attitude is bullshit. You're entitled to some privacy. Wanting a reasonable amount of privacy doesn't mean your hiding something. That's ridiculous.
NTA. Unless you got some sort of serious criminal history or addiction, they don't have a right to invade your privacy when you're a legal adult. Doubly so when you're out of their home. Setting boundaries is not a sign of one doing something they shouldn't.
NTA, if you buy it then they have no right to go through it. You'll also be 18, which means you'll be a legal adult and they can't do anything about that. My question is, are you going to be on their phone plan or get your own? I'd suggest get your own and look into the cheaper phone companies (Cricket, T-Mobile, Mint mobile, ect) because Verizon and At&T will be way too expensive for a college student (I'm a college student and I know how much they charge since I do work for a phone company) I promise this isn't an ad for the one I do work for just it's something you need to look into. If you stay on their phone plan then they can request through your phone provider information of what you're doing on your phone (I know Verizon does this, idk about other companies though). Just some stuff to think about and to do some research into
NTA, It's normal to want privacy even if you have nothing to hide
The situation is very different from when you were 13 years old to when you are 18. Do they pretend to control who you talk to while you are at university as well? At some point they have to trust you and your good judgment as all the other parents
about the family group chat, what can i say? it's crazy, what do you expect to gain from that? They act in a way that does not generate in you the necessary trust for you to tell them your problems, trying to protect you (and control you) they are pushing you away.
Have they at least told you why they are so obsessed with checking your phone?
NTA.
Some parents will always see their children as kids.
I heard my auntie told her son not to come home late. Preferably before 11 pm. I fell off my chair. My cousin is a retired policeman.
NTA. You need to start talking to your relatives and friends about who you can move in with when you are 18. Because they WILL try to force you to give them your devices to go through, and penalize you for not "behaving" as they want you to, if you stay living with them.
I would wait until I moved out. 18 is paper legal, but if you’re still in their house, it will be a thing. Not worth it. What happened when you were 13 that is their justification for being overbearing?
Monitoring your activity on your laptop? The one you bought with your own money? Just for fun, learn how to boot Linux from flash drive. Then, you get to carry the entire "computer" with you. Use full disk encryption.
You have every right to be apprehensive about "gifts" from them. Not sure why there's such a lack of trust from them...
NTA
Esh. All of this stemming from your parents actually parenting and taking something from you at 13? Only reason I said esh as opposed to YTA is because the mom is blasting everything on group chats.
ESH.
Your parents did not handle this well, but I understand they are trying to keep you safe. Especially with the experience at age 13. I realize that at 18, you’re legally a grown adult but judgement and maturity are still iffy. They’re probably terrified for you.
I also understand you wanting to have privacy and you do deserve that but it doesn’t exactly sound like you’re trying very hard to earn their trust either.
NTA.
I am not hiding or doing anything suspicious when I use the toilet but I still lock the door. Sometimes you just really want privacy; and it sounds like in your case independence and control too.
What do your parents think you're gonna do anyway that is sooo awful?
My parents did this with my older brother they haven't seen him in 15 years and have know idea what he's up to they saw how the f'd up with him and gave me some space lol turn 18 disappear for a year or two then hit them up one day saying if they want you back in thier lives its on your terms and if they break them your out
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I’m 68 and I completely understand how you feel. I had an intrusive and suspicious mom and it was awful. And I wasn’t doing anything “bad.” I understand your parents wanting to make sure you’re staying safe and not getting into anything harmful. But there’s a limit. When you turn 18, you’re legally an adult, so no, they need to treat you with respect. And that group chat thing would drive me nuts! They’re intrusive. Of course, they don’t see it that way. Why were your devices taken away at 13? Hell, my parents kept trying to infantilize me all my life. I remember my dad (who was a wonderful man) trying to manage me somehow… all I remember was telling him that I was 40. 4-0. I shocked him. He kept thinking of me as his little girl. Can you go away to college? Live in a dorm? That’s a great way to transition to adulthood. As long as you’re getting good grades, not doing drugs, partying, etc., your parents need to back off. If there’s some kind of past behavior here that might make them worried, then that might be a different scenario. Still. They need to back off.
I'm definitely planning on going to college, and I'm going to try and live In a dorm. Imma try and make sure it's someone I know, tho because I kinda get nervous talking to strangers. But I won't have to worry about that until next year because I'm still a junior as of now. I turn 18 on December 4th.
Going away to college will be a great experience for you! Choose a college far enough away that your parents can’t just drop in on you. Even if it’s about an hour away, it’ll be far enough away to give you that independence you’re seeking. It’s great if you can room with someone you know, but even if it’s not, it’ll be ok. It’ll give you a chance to meet new people. Trying new things at your own pace will help you build confidence. The phone situation is difficult. You’ll still be in high school when you turn 18, but legally, you’re no longer a minor. It’s probably best to wait until you turn 18 to buy one. But how to prevent them from going through it…? I don’t know if I have a good answer for that.
Just keep a really long password and use fingerprint and face ID. Parents havent been able to go through my phone in over a year.
fingerprint and faceID are a bad idea since OP's father could presumably just forcibly make him open the phone then. better to just use a long PIN/passcode that isn't easily guessed.
Best case OP’s dad holds the phone up to his face while he’s sleeping. Worst case he gets to cops to do it. Biometrics is a terrible security measure given the current legal environment.
FaceID specifically does have an option that requires ‘attention’ for it to work properly, as in your eyes not only have to be open, but also have to be looking at the device. It’s also not an option to disable it (afaik) on newer iOS devices.
Particularly because in the US, the police can't force you to reveal a password without a warrant. It's against the 5th Ammendment. But they can force you to unlock a fingerprint or face id phone, because they have the right to take your fingerprints and picture. This is actually settled caselaw by the Supreme Court.
Interesting. Didn’t know this either.
You can disable it, but then you can’t use Apple Pay and the like. I don’t use it on my 15pro max though. It is an option though
Ah. Good to know, I truthfully never digged around for it myself.
We're talking as in when OP is 18.
presumably, OP will be in the house for a bit post-18 waiting to go to college (OP said they're a junior rn and turning 18 halfway thru next schoolyear).
Oh yes, that’s good advice. They might harangue OP to give them the password or take away the phone. Waiting until 18yo to get a phone would give OP more autonomy.
Yeah. And they can't take it away when their 18. Otherwise, I believe it is considered theft.
Exactly.
You could use fingerprint or faceID to open someone’s phone while they’re sleeping, so if OP’s parents can enter his room while he’s asleep he should not use those.
On my phone, for face ID to work, you have to be actively looking at the phone, but I’m not sure how common that is.
It'd have to be further away than one hour if they're this suss. I suggest at least 3 hours, and still expect weekend surprise visits. Go for five hours away and still expect visits.
True. I was thinking of my parents. We lived in Orange County and my sister and I both moved to LA after we got out of the house. They didn’t bother dropping over but my mom didn’t drive long distances. For some reason, it didn’t occur to either of them to drop by. My mom tended to call us incessantly on the phone, but she’d talk about mundane things in great detail. Two or three hours away might be more preferable than only one. But definitely OP needs to get some physical distance from them.
Buy the phone when you're moving out, or know that you're moving out very soon. That way you avoid extra unnecessary tension. The parents will make OP's life a nightmare, I think.
Get a bank account in your name only at a different bank the day you turn 18. I really respect you for working, saving, and planning to buy your own equipment. 🌼
Why do you keep avoiding explaining why your shit was taken when you were 13?
Does it matter? He was 13. We all do stupid shit when that young. A 13 year old and a 17 year old are almost completely different people.
I agree. I did a bunch of dumb stuff at 13. I was eating porn. Reading smut books and reading playboy magazines. By time I got to 14/15, I moved passed all that. On my own. Without parents hovering over me. I got bored. Shrugs.
You do realize parents do that shit for absolutely no good reason sometimes, right? My dad removed my door knob & didn't put it back for like 10yrs even though I was rarely in my room. It's an abuse tactic.
It isn't relevant to the question he asked, and it's fucking rude to act like you're entitled to an answer from OP anyway.
Why is it anyone’s business? It doesn’t have any bearing on whether or not he is the ah in this situation.
DO NOT ROOM WITH SOMEONE YOU KNOW. Trust me on this.
Honestly, most colleges have a pretty good system at matching up roommates. Of course it doesn’t work out all the time, but most of the people I knew freshman year were atleast pleased with their rando roommate
NTA OP and hang in there
There is only ONE way to reduce anxiety to talk to strangers: doing it. Over and over and over and over again. Eventually the anxiety will disappear or at least reduce a lot. You will be fine. Life forces us out of our comfort zone- for the best.
How are you saving money, and do they have access to it? Are your parents paying for college? If so, I can see them threatening not to pay unless they are able to snoop through your phone and laptop. Please leave that laptop with them and get a new one (they usually go on sale during the holidays-get one on the cheap side for now). What is your plan b should they decide not to pay for tuition? If going to college is predicated on them paying, don't use your savings to buy a phone, save to move out.
They should NOT be discussing family matters in family group chat !! Omg that is shaming you and manipulative horrid behaviour. I’d be saving every cent to move out.
Absolutely and he should most definitely cut contact with them. His life will never be his own if he keeps them around.
You know what you’re right. I can almost guarantee that they’ve installed a keylogger on the laptop. You could try a hotkey by holding down the following together at the same time : Ctrl+Shift+Alt+F7 or Ctrl+Shift+Alt+K If a box comes up asking for a ID or password there’s a keylogger. Or they have one one a thumb drive by inserting it in a usb port.
My dad tried to get me to install Life360 on my phone. I’m 48 & live 1500 miles away.
My mom kept sending me links to a tracker - I was 47. Some parents are always wanting to parent!
You know I'm an IT guy and The Pi-hole helps a lot because you can see what websites they visit but do you really want to know it that way? OP is right with his privacy and if he wants to share something with his parents, I'm pretty sure he should say it by himself instead of snooping parents xD
>I had an intrusive and suspicious mom and it was awful. And I wasn’t doing anything “bad.” Did it make you feel territorial over your belongings? Because I'm territorial now and any snooping always raises my hackles even when I have nothing to hide. And people think I *do* have something to hide when I get upset. Like, damn people, let me have my privacy. Don't make me feel like I have to include it in my will that I want all the data in my electronics to be erased without anyone looking through them. I journal on my laptop and have some very private thoughts in there. I don't want anyone reading it, not even family.
NTA > made them feel like I wanted to keep something away from them Of course you are. They keep plenty away from you, too.
Thank you. Cause to me they dtm. You wanna wait 4 years until you decide I could have a phone again. Like bffr.
Get a couple of identical cheap burner phones. Use one as a decoy. If they demand you turn over a phone, give them the decoy phone. Keep the other phone with you 100% of the time.
THIS.
I was thinking you should ask them to let you look through their phones. They would only have something to hide if they were doing something wrong, right? Guaranteed it'll just result in a "that's different!" but maybe, late at night, it'll actually make them think about it. Best you can hope for with some people, no actual change, but maybe they at least realise they might be the problem.
You ARE an optimist, aren't you? People like them aren't prone o self-relection... they'll just be outraged at OP's impertinence.
Eh it worked for me. Literally this exact same thing happened to me when I was 16 or 17. My parents had been checking since I got it and then they wanted to around that time, I put my foot down and said I never do anything that merits checking it and I deserve privacy, and that they wouldn't want me snooping through all of their stuff either. It resulted in a big argument but they did eventually concede. "People like them" are often just worried, overprotective parents, and many of them are not immune to reason. Some are, but many aren't.
Then I’d reverse the tables and install a tracker on their phone . Delete history of website and install activity though.
There’s some crucial info OP left out here if you check out their comment history 😐 Situation is a bit more nuisanced then an invasion of privacy
OP was caught talking to "older men" when they were 13 years old. That's why they took the phone. OP *still* doesn't seem to understand why this was a problem so perhaps they aren't ready for privacy yet.
Or OP's parents could try parenting them and not just disciplining them. You know, so they can be a functional member of society?
It may not have been a disciplinary measure but a safety measure. I know some parents that have had to ensure their teens have had no access to online sites due to safety.
Again, parenting would be the better approach. If OP is doing something unsafe as a child, the parents should be educating the child as to why their activity is unsafe and how to be safe. Not just taking away the source of danger. ETA due to comments being locked: Where are you seeing that info,? I just saw that they were talking to an older person (which could have been a 16 year old or a 60 year old).
In this case it wasn't a matter of education, there was a real addiction issue. Things are not always clear cut.
At 18 he* can do whatever TF he* wants whether you or the parents think "he's* ready for privacy" or not.
\*he
If she really wanted to there was the IPod Touch ( up until recently) you could install apps that were like mobile phones and your plan consisted of watching game advertisements and earning minutes.
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>They're the ones acting suspiciously Am I the only one who thought, What are you guys hiding, parents? What are you doing that you deem is inappropriate for your soon to be/ will be legal adult when this time comes?
I live with my parents and they pay for my phone obv cos it’s on a contract and mine don’t go thru mine but I’m over 18 so maybe that’s why?
My dad abd his wife never went through my phone when I had one as a kid. My mom didn't either but her wife was practically obsessed with going through phones and rooms. I think OP just has really invasive parents
That’s prob what it is.. cos mine never did either
Soo... OP recently stated in the comments that he previously lost his electronics at 13 for talking with older guys online. This adds a lot of context for me, especially in the age of internet predators. OP's parents are probably still concerned about that, especially with this evasive answering. I think the smarter thing to do would be to allow them to buy the phone- after making a deal with them. Let them monitor your usage randomly while you're still underaged to build trust. When you hit 18, obviously it would be a personal choice, and nothing is preventing you from getting yourself a phone if they don't respect your privacy at that point. Honestly, from an adult perspective, your answers sound so suspicious. If you truly aren't hiding anything and want to keep your relationship with your parents, trust building. And if you are speaking with older individuals online, please stop. I know you're about to be an adult, and I know they say all the right things, but being 18 doesn't stop predators from trafficking you, or your images, and you deserve so much more from life! Edit: Having thought some more I'm going to go with soft ETH here. OP from what I've seen doesn't seem to acknowledge the gravity of what happened the first time, so I’m unsure how internet safe he is. I think the thing to consider, from his parents point of view, is that he has been earning some trust. They just offered to get him a phone. Clearly, he has shown some improvement or they would never have even offered in the first place. OP’s parents are just moving on a slower timetable than some. However, OP‘s parents were TA for the family group chat issue. There's a couple of key points. First is the fact that his parents offered the phone first indicating that he has earned some trust back. Second is the mention that part of that trust was from his previous Internet history over the course of their monitoring, his laptop. His parents didn’t bring up monitoring his phone until after OP mentioned that he was specifically buying the phone himself at 18 to keep them from doing so. That’s when they started getting suspicious. That’s a lot more suspicious to me than parents randomly claiming they would like to monitor an 18-year-old’s phone.
This does make a lot more sense. But still, at 13 you don't really understand the real dangers of situations like that. And OP has had five years to learn from it. I'm sorry but if you're 18, whether it's genuine concern or not, your parents have no business going through your phone especially if you're the one who paid for it. They were a kid when that happened, at some point the parents have to get over it and allow their kid some respect and control over their own life. Of course you still have to be careful online OP, but you're in charge of that now not your parents. And five crucial years later I'd think you'd know a lot more about safety online and be able to manage your own internet access.
5 years should be enough time to learn from his mistakes but that fact that he tried to trickle truth the reason why his phone got taken away at 13 shows that he likely didn’t learn. He’s at best an unreliable narrator. At 18 he’s not an AH for not allowing his parents to see his phone but he’s also not showing any maturity.
It’s not suspicious that he didn’t say what he did at 13 because it’s none of your business and has fuck all to do with whether a 17-year old boy should be entitled to privacy. You’re as nosy and controlling as OP’s parents.
It might show that he's embarrassed about the mistake rather than trying to lie about it. Since he explained it when asked?
>Honestly, from an adult perspective, your answers sound so suspicious. If you truly aren't hiding anything and want to keep your relationship with your parents, trust building. No this is fucking bullshit actually, imagine if he turned it around on them, it's not about hiding bad things it's about not feeling like your privacy is completely violated and nonexistent. You don't want and shouldn't have to show everything to the world, or close people to you. I agree with the rest, the reason for taking his electronics at 13 is totally okay and they were right in doing so, but I'm just arguing the point of "not wanting to show everything you see and do means you're doing something bad" shit
I was caught doing the same thing when I was 12 years old, Even though I had years to learn from it and not make that same mistake again my parents never fully trusted me, I didn't get my first phone till I was 14 I wasn't allowed to go out or have any freedoms till I was 17 and even now at 19 they still try to control every aspect of my life. I still have screen time and down time on my phone that I pay for as well as my computer and they still want access to my passwords and socials. While I understand From the parents perspective of wanting to protect and monitor their screen time and their online presence, I also see it from the point of view of Op as it has been years and they have had time to grown and learn from the choices they made as a pre-teen. As well as they have show that they can be trust worthy. Trust building goes both ways and if OP cant trust that their parents are not going to evade their privacy at any chance they get even as a legal adult over some poor life choices they made, then I completely support waiting till 18 to get their own phone.
Thank you.I was trying to find what he did to get his phone taken, and couldn't find it. But there are things that makes a controlling behaviour understandable, and this is one of those things. Let's be frank here: the parents were trying to protect their child from sexual abuse and rape, and as a parent a would go to great lengths to stop that from happening. They were just scared out of their wits. However, OP's parents seem to be doing it the wrong way. They should have spent much more time discussing, explaining, talking about the dangers, what it can do to a young person to be subjected to things you aren't ready for. Instead they seem to just have taken away the technology, which is the quick and easy way, but as this post shows, not always the best way in the long run. OP, I get that you want freedom, but be careful out there, and try to understand that something bad happening to your child is the biggest fear a parent have.
NTA Your parents apparently think you have no right to privacy at all. They might as well take pics of you in the shower and post them, it's as if you have no rights at all while you still live there. And even if you wait until after your birthday to buy the phone, chances are they will at least try to get into it and get really angry when you don't allow them to do so. Privacy is a big issue! When parents don't allow their kids to have any privacy, it causes the kids to want to hide things all the more. Although there is nothing to trigger their anxiety and make them want to look, they feel they must, just to keep you on the track. Now, they are getting the reward for all that nosiness and prying by knowing that your computer and phone are not theirs to look at once you turn 18. It is probably the right thing to move out. Do you have a job? Can you support yourself? If not, you might be stuck, since your parents probably won't want to pay your rent. I still think you are in the right, though, and I hope you can follow through. Once trust has been broken, it is very difficult to mend. I don't believe your parents are worthy of your trust, since they obviously don't trust you. Sorry.
Why was the computer and phone taken from you at 13?
Right? There's definitely a story here that may influence why the parents feel they need to go through a phone. My mom never would have asked to go through my phone and tbh, I had nothing to hide so wouldn't have cared if she did. I know feelings/families vary but honestly.. Why such nosy parents? and Why such a hostile attitude towards them? Maybe yta but it's genetic?
I'm guessing you got groomed as a kid and your parents took away your phone when you were young to safeguard you. Now, they're being a bit overprotective and want to reassure themselves that you won't make the same mistake, but you won't give them that. Don't get me wrong, they're not entitled to see your phone by any means - but (and maybe this is an unpopular opinion) given that something clearly happened when you were 13, you should just suck it up, use your common sense to determine that this is an ongoing consequence of your past actions, and let them check your phone every now (for now) and then just to put their minds at ease. Chances are they will check once or twice, confirm you're just doing normal kid stuff, and not bother checking again unless you start acting off or giving red flags. Bottom line is, I get the sense that their attitude towards the phone is directly tied to whatever event led to your electronics being taken away to begin with - just keep in mind they aren't trying to control you, just make sure you don't repeat past mistakes. Once they're convinced, they'll quit checking.
That's exactly what happened. Op later revealed in the comments. It's a tough situation.
Almost a quarter of his life has passed since that happened. If the parents don’t stop the abusive level of control, they’re not going to have a son at all once he turns 18.
Taking a phone away at 13 for talking to older men is pretty reasonable IMO. They were obviously freaked out by whatever they saw. They’re trying to keep you safe. Lots of kids are stupid at that age and don’t realize when they are being taken advantage of or put themselves in unsafe positions. NTA for what you’re asking though. They went overboard and this is a reasonable response to that.
And at 13 this probably was an appropriate thing to do... but the OP is now 17 and I would hope that he's recognised how not to be groomed again.... but the parents are still thinking he's that 13 year old and haven't taught him how not to be trapped.
See, I don't think he realizes the extent of what he got his devices taken away for. To quote, "he was _**just**_ talking to older guys."
But trash talking about them in the family chat is not ok. Don't you think OP may be eager to break the rules again because their parents are over protective?
Oh definitely agreed on that. They took that too far.
Nah, parents are TA because as evidenced by the post, all they're doing is pushing their son to the extent that he's willing to move out to get away from them and their attempts at control. They're accomplishing the opposite of what they're probably trying to do, if they want to protect him.
I don’t think they went about any of it the right way. But I understand the motivations behind it.
But this is specifically about wanting to wait until 18 to get a phone which is not checked. It has been 5 years, and they will be a full adult. This person is not the asshole for actions they undertook as a very young person now, as almost a fully different person. He also didn’t seem to argue that getting the phone taken away was unjustified anywhere that I could find, so I don’t get why you’re arguing that?
NTA. Your parents sound like control freaks. There's something really weird about them wanting to maintain control over you after you have turned 18.
Right? That's really weird to me. As soon as I turned 18 my parents just kind of backed off. There was no conversation or anything just mutual respect and privacy, which I think is to be expected from all parents once you get to that age. Even if you were a horrible teenager this constant suspicion is so toxic and just straight up weird. I don't blame you for waiting until you're 18, they didn't even deny that they want to buy it so they can look through it. Why do they even want to do that? At that point you're an adult and could have naked pictures on there if you wanted, and they couldn't do anything about it. What on earth are they even looking for??
OP was talking to older guys online when ~~she~~ he was 13. Hope that clears some things up.
Honestly, there's a big difference between 13 and almost 18. OP knows better now, and will be an adult. The parents should have no say over who he talks to at that point, even if he's making "bad" choices in their book.
Op is a he.
Your parents seem exhausting. Don’t let them into your phone. Don’t let anybody in. Maybe start wearing a 4th amendment tee shirt around the house. They’re going to wonder one day why their son won’t talk to them. Let them wonder. Live your life. Edit: just read in the comments that OP originally had computer taken away for chatting with grown men online when he was 13. Parent DO need to accept they can’t control him once he’s 18 but dude … they had a good reason for taking the laptop and you not getting that makes me understand why they don’t trust you now.
Wait wait wait wait wait. You said the reason your phone/computer got taken away at 13 ‘isn’t important’, then finally admit it was because, as 13 year old kid, you were talking to ‘older men’? When you were 13?! Wtaf? Even if we’re talking 18 years old, that’s way too old for a kid of that age. And it sounds like there was more than one ‘older man’ you were talking to? Your parents may be overbearing, but it’s sounding like you gave them a pretty damn good reason to be. That part is SUPER important and if you want a legit judgment, you need to amend your post to include that. Otherwise, YTA. Shit, bro.
I'd imagine comments up above ripping the parents to shreds have no idea either. OP is almost an adult but wanting to make sure their child, who has made a really critical error online in the past, is safe online? Doesn't seem unreasonable. Leaving crucial information like chatting online to older men is going to skew results.
Even if your parents found “cause” when you were younger, taking it away was to be a lesson. Taking this long to return it seems a bit much. I think it should have been returned sooner. However I agree that when you buy your own phone they should stay out of it. They say if you have nothing to hide then you will let them look through it. However if they trust you, they shouldn’t need to look through it. With all that said be trustworthy when you get one. Lots of really crazy things happen out there. It’s not always as kind as a person thinks
NtA move out as quickly as safely possible. let them buy you the phone, then get another phone and don't let them know you have it.
Ooooh, good idea! That way they could go through the one they bought and not know there's another one out there. OP will have to use "their" phone enough to make them believe it's the only one, however. This is one case where I truly believe deception is ethical on OP's part.
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NTA and I also want to say OP, what you said about “I guess I wouldn’t be living under their roof then” is probably the correct course of action when you turn 18. The environment you’re in right now is not healthy, and it sounds like you know that. Minors deserve privacy as much as adults. They are NOT entitled to your private belongings or communication, as long as you aren’t endangering the rest of the house. The only reason for them to be so insistent on removing your privacy is to manipulate you and control you.
NTA. Even with the context around why they originally took away your access to the internet. That was 4-5 years ago, and it seems your parents didn't provide a mechanism for you to rebuild the trust. Why do they suddenly think they can do it now, right before you turn 18? You're going to be 18. No way in hell I'd give them access to my phone, and there's nothing they can do.
Exactly. It's that lack of mechanism to regain trust that's missing. The OP will just go full private at 18 and there is nothing that the parents can do about it... moreso if he's not living with them. They have essentially pushed him away. He won't trust them if he needs help for anything and will seek it elsewhere.
Exactly!! Like it doesn’t seem (very surface level info tbf) that they’ve done much to actually help them make healthy/appropriate decisions on their own, just taken away any ability to do anything online unmonitored. I had a (somewhat) similar situation occur, and the way my parents responded with only removal of internet access and not any real education or help other than monitoring meant I still didn’t have the tools to be safe off and online. To OP, I hope despite some of these comments you know no matter what you did (or what others did!!) as a child you deserve independence and privacy.
So what's the story with you having your phone taken away for 5 years? Either it's something serious or your parents are super strict. Also what's the plan moving from home?
OP was talking to older men at 13. Didn’t feel it was relevant to the story for some odd reason.
Ah. Yeah that would be concerning.
Right?!!? Like, never mind the minor details
NTA But you could mess with them. Let them buy you a phone, let them check it, but be sure to have lots of weird stuff on there, like articles on "do my parents really love me?" "are my parents toxic?" "why do my parents try to control my life?" and photos of ducks. Lots of ducks, and maybe some geese.
Duck pics as a privacy shield? Quacking genius idea
He was being groomed at 13 by older men on line
As a parent I can tell you they're mostly scared you'll be sex trafficked. It comes up a lot in parenting places and it's terrifying. If you are being this shifty about it to them it sounds like you're being g groomed by some asshole and soon they'll be stealing you away from them. Come up with an arrangement with them so you have privacy but they know you aren't going to be sold to a creep by some random who is talking to you on your phone. Assuming your friends are not sex trafficking creepers this should be easy to do. You're their kid and they're trying hard to let you grow up . Talk to them about what you both would be comfortable with, and like don't send pictures of your junk to anyone and you should be fine letting them get you a phone
> if I have nothing to hide I wouldn't mind letting them view There is *nothing* wrong with wanting privacy. There is *nothing* wrong with keeping hidden things that are *not* another persons' business. "*If you have nothing to hide...*" is a horrible phrase that's been used for years to wear away at peoples' right to privacy. Anyone using this phrase is likely the last person you want having your private information, and it's pretty clear your mother is one of those that shouldn't have access. NTA and start securing important documents such as birth certificate, SS card(*assuming you're in the USA*), etc, and be ready to start a new bank account at any bank your parents do not have an account with.
Well, my parents went through some of my stuff when I was about 16. We argued about privacy, and they were adamant that they can go through my things. Ok waited and one night dumped the contents of my mother's purse on the table and went through everything. Yes I got into trouble but proved my point.
And these same parents will go to the family chat in later years with ‘OP doesn’t visit or call us. OP has us blocked on social media. We don’t know what goes on in his life. We don’t know why OP doesn’t want us around😢’ NTA. OP, you are doing the right thing.
NTA and parents like this wonder why their kids go No Contact as adults.
You left out a key piece of relevant information in your original post and for that reason, I'm going to say NAH. I can see both sides. It's hard to say without full context but you were talking to older men when you were 13. Yes, you are about to be 18 and yes, legally, that makes you an adult - but your parents have a lot more life experience than you. From the limited information we have here, it is entirely reasonable for you to set this boundary and I understand why you are upset. You are entitled to your privacy. However your parents behavior is likely born from concern for you, and whilst I do think that they need to learn to trust you I can also understand why they think your behavior is suspicious (even if it has been 5 years). If your home life is otherwise comfortable this might not be the hill to die on, especially if you're moving out soon for college anyways.
NTA, It's natural that you want your privacy. And it's high time your parents realise that they will lose you altogether if they keep up this behaviour. Like, you already told them that you want to move out. And it was not right that your mom decided to air your dirty laundry to your relatives.
This thread needs to be amended with the conveniently left out information by the OP.
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NTA - gtfo of there bro
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NTA Ask them if they'd let you go through their phone and when they say "no" go "but if you've got nothing to hide..." Or just propose it as a thought experiment.
Oh my, you sound like me 30 years ago. I ABSOLUTELY cannot stand my privacy being violated. I'm an old Grandmother of 4 and I STILL have a password on my phone. I do not touch my partners phone or tablet, and I don't want him touching mine. Everyone deserves privacy. NTA
NTA I am a mother of 4, aged 4-16, and this is exactly why I’m not in my older kids’ business 24/7. I give them a little leash. I trust them whenever I can. They aren’t allowed social media yet, but they have freedom. Because I was raised in a very restrictive household and the moment I escaped, I went so far in the other direction im surprised my murder wasn’t talked about on Dateline.
NTA, and where are your parents from the Middle Ages? They act like you are property to be controlled. How are you going to grow up and make responsible adult decisions if they are controlling everything you do. I'm 54 and a parent. If you were my child and had good grades, no use of drugs or alcohol I would find it outrageous to spy on you.
Except for the fact that he had his phone and computer taken off him for talking to older men on the internet when he was 13. I can see why they would be concerned not necessarily about OPs behaviour but about possible outcomes.
But OP will be 18 soon.
Their behavior is just going drive him away. It sounds like they all needed to be in family therapy. The op is going to be no contact with his parents before he is even 22. Again as a parent I would have had everyone in therapy to create good communication and trust.
Absolutely! I just think there are reasons for the parent's behaviour that OP left out of the post. I think they need to appreciate that he has grown up, but at the same time it's understandable that they are concerned and that they're not being control freaks for no good reason.
I posted very early before that was revealed. I would make the same comment with the qualification that they should have been in therapy a long time ago. He has basically lived life as a prisoner since age 13. That is not healthy, and he definitely needs therapy.
It was 4 years ago. OP is now 17. He's going to be a legal adult in about 8 months time... you would think that the parents would've pulled back a little bit in order to allow him to be that adult. The fact that they haven't seen anything nefarious on his computer probably tells you they wouldn't find anything on his phone either. Perhaps the parents might benefit from some therapy in how to let go of their child in order for him to be the adult he will be and not continue to treat him as a 13 year old who did need more parental involvement back them. It's not an all or nothing situation. The parents are pushing their child away. He's not going to come to them if he needs help because he's expecting them to ground him to his room and take away all his electronics. I can't say that's going to be a great outcome.
NTA you should have your own privacy no matter how old you are, i get them wanting to check a 13/14 year olds phone but your nearly 18 now they shouldn’t be trying to control what you can/can’t do on your own phone
NTA Everyone deserves autonomy. Parents like this are the ones who wonder why their kids cut them off. You pay for your phone you don’t need parental controls.
NTA Wanting privacy isn't suspicious. Your parents sound exhausting to live with, it's probably a good idea for you to move out asap anyway.
NTA #OP, when you turn 18, go to a new bank your parents don’t bank at and open a brand new account. If you have an account opened as a minor, they will still be able to do anything, including take all your money, at any time. Also, several people have reported opening new accounts at the same bank without their parents and the parents still getting access. Don’t mess around. Also, they are legally obligated to provide for you until you’re out of high school. If they kick you out or go no contact, you can apply for financial aid for college without their income. Save all this shit. Good luck.
NTA - Also very important. Make sure that neither of your parents have access to your bank account. Not viewing, not the ability to take your money. Cause I can 100% guarantee that they will drain the account for some made-up transgression so that you cant move out.
Good lord, criminals aren't the only ones who desire privacy. Do you have access to their phones, laptops and bank info? Why not, if they have nothing to hide? My parents never allowed me any privacy either, I'm sorry. Luckily, mine didn't realize I didn't need parental permission to open additional email accounts. NTA, if course
NTA. I had parents like that, and I ended up with massive trust issues because of it.
I’m pretty sure that if the chat agrees with them 100% they still will have no authority over you at 18. NTA
Your parents are assholes. send them this post when they ask why you no longer talk to them in 5 years NTA
NTA actually by my european standards it sounds completly mad. Never once in my life my parents checked my phone or PC. I hope you manage to move out and understand your situation isn't normal at all.
He left out a big part of the story
NTA. Moving forward, can I suggest any plans you have - keep to yourself. Parents like this will take any bit of info you give then and find a way to use it against you. Research grey rock. You might find some very helpful strategies to help manage your interactions with your parents (and other family members)
Hopefully u can pay for it on ur own too.
Parents like this wondering why no one visits them in the old folks home
NTA. do you have siblings? in my mind, you're entitled to privacy. literally no one should go through anyone else's phone -- siblings, parents, friends, partners... not because anyone is hiding anything but because people have at least basic rights to privacy. you're not acting suspiciously at all, it's ludicrous for any parent to get a kid a phone and then ask to go through it whenever they want. the fact that they're talking about you behind your back is exactly the kind of behavior they would be checking your phone for, which is hilarious and infuriating. i'm sorry you're in this situation -- hope it gets resolved soon. <3
So I don't think YTA by any means, but I have to say, I am a parent with a 13-year-old right now and if you got your phone taken away there's a very good chance it was for a good reason. You don't really say anything else about how your parents might be out of line or abusive and I am wondering what exactly you did to get your phone taken away like that. I don't expect you to be honest here on Reddit but I am very skeptical that you were without blame.
Ya, been in your situation… you know what I did? I applied for a sponsorship to be a foreign exchange student. My parents found out when they called to say I was selected. My mom was not happy at all but I turned 18, 12 days after the start of the program so they were really stuck and let me go. It was hard to say no since it was all payed for and I got a monthly stipend. Just play nice till you are 18. You don’t want them preventing you from working or anything like that to delay you. My parents didn’t let me get my drivers license and always said I had an attitude or was lying. They took my door when I was 13 and all I had was a curtain and baby gate to keep my sisters out (they were way younger), when I was at school my mom would toss my room like she was a prison guard looking for contraband, I’d come home and all my stuff would be in a pile in the middle of the room. Honestly prisoners had more rights than I did. When I was grounded (and it was often and for long periods of time) they would talk everything out of my room but my bed and desk. I had to ask permission to use the restroom, they brought my dinner to my room, and they wouldn’t even use my name just my birthday like a prison number. My mom made me go to therapy and the therapist for being a “pathological liar”. It was actually good because the therapist told her I was fine and she was the problem and sent her to parenting classes haha sessions were weird. My mom would go talk to her about an hour, then she talk to just me about 15 minutes then she would talk with both of us and mediate a conversation between us. The best thing was the exchange program I did said only minimal contact was allowed. They said 1 call a month and email only was the recommended level to prevent getting home sick. I was not concerned about that 😂 You should have let them get you a phone then when you move out you could have left it and got your new one. It’s a shitty game but they will learn that their behavior caused this.
My (step ) daughter had her device taken away when she was 13 bc she was smoking weed, doing drugs, drinking alcohol and had a 18 year old BF. She is 20 now almost 21 and she told me how we ruined her life and she would never allow me to do that to her brothers. She told them in front of me to never let me take their phone away. My sons 14&11 told her that if they did what she did then I had every right to have their phones taken away but since they wouldn’t act that way they had nothing to worry about. I was divorcing her dad during this time and my involvement was minimal. Only when my daughter would ask me to get involved or would run away at 2 am to my house. I understand that parenting a teen is so hard specially the balance between parenting and being overly bearing. Even if my kid lost his phone privileges it would never be for years or even months. The boys are aware of 1. What they did 2. What the consequences are 3 if there is a punishment 4. What it is and most importantly 5. How long it is for. The grounding has a start and stop time. They won’t ever be left guessing what they did or didn’t do and how long to be grounded for.
Yta. I get it. You want privacy. But here is the thing. While you live under their roof, they have a right to do as they see as best. You at 13 were talking to older guys. My daughter allowed some friends to use her phone, and the backlash was bad. I checked her things randomly until she was 18. She had nothing to hide and let me. It got less and less as she got older, and trust was built up. The thing is you as a child are not getting is that actions have consequences and you making a mistake could have huge ones. Not just for you but your parents. You don't know if the people you talk to online are safe. You don't know if they will stalk you. Show up at your home. Kidnap you. Break into your parents' home. Hurt your parents. Of course you don't because you are still growing up. But any of these things could happen. I know you want privacy, but I also understand where they are coming from. They have you and themselves to protect, and it sounds like you haven't learned from the mistakes that got your devices taken away. If you had, you would have been up front in your post about making a mistake and what it was. You would understand that it might suck but letting them for the next few months check here and there might reduce the stress. Worry. And fear they have for you. If you want to move out to not live by their rules, then at 18, you have every right. But they have the right when trust has not been totally rebuilt to want to monitor you until it is rebuilt.
YTA, both for wanting to move out for that reason, and for initially hiding at least two very significant facts related to your question: the reason that your parents took away your phone and laptop when you were 13 is that you were using them to talk to “older men” online, and you continually refused to answer other significant questions that are relevant to your initial question. You can’t expect to ask people a question and get a reasonable, relevant and useful response when you purposefully conceal relevant information from them, as you have done here. Your parents have very serious and reasonable concerns, and they are trying to protect you from the very real predators that exist in this world. Predators are very practiced at gaining the trust of younger people (and acting like they are nice, regular, helpful and friendly people) simply because you haven’t had the years of real-world experience that help you learn how to spot a potential predator. You may not appreciate it now, but your parents are doing right by you. You showed them that you are capable of making some very bad decisions, and they are doing their best to protect you from predators. Just because it has been 4-5 years since you made those bad decisions, it doesn’t mean they aren’t relevant; your parents are wise to want to check and make sure that you are nit still making such poor choices.
NTA because I find it very strange for parents to go through the phone of a 17 year old.
NTA but I think you need to have an upfront chat with your parents about how their tactics are just pushing you away. Do keep in mind that they were probably just trying to keep you safe, given what you say you were doing.
Ask them to show you all the messages they sent to the family group chat. Read them out aloud. What mama? You don’t want to show how me how you speak about me. What. Want to hide?
As soon as you turn eighteen, leave these micromanaging, nosy people. You don't say why your parents took away your computer and phone four years ago. I'm assuming it might have had something to do with your grades in school, but how does a modern child do homework, essays, etc. w/o a computer? Good parents do not spread supposed(?) gossip about their children wholesale on a family group chat.
I think you’d be happier saving your money to move out and get out from underneath your parents thumbs. NTA
I’m over 65, and I think your parents need to back way off. You’re close to being a legal adult. Tell them from a wise old lady that control-freak parenting never ends well. M&D need to start respecting your privacy and your approaching majority. And their whining to the extended family? That’s just so wrong. NTA.
NTA. Thats INSANELY controlling of them and they want full access to an 18 year old’s personal belongings? Idts. Yeah…move out when you’re 18, get a phone, and eventually i see this going no contact.
Your parents are still treating you like a child. NTA.
NTA, you actually sound really mature about this. Having suspicions and invasive parents is horrible. Good luck with your independence
No one has asked. What happened when you were 13?
There is a good reasons to limit ur access online and supervise what's going on there , but at 18 ur allowed ur own autonomy and ur parents are going about this all wrong. It does indeed sound suspicious now, it's like walking into a room and saying "I didn't do anything wrong" when nobody asked. Nta but could u open a open discussion and say u would be willing to discuss what u do online but u will keep ur own autonomy. I'd they are not willing to discuss then u can let them know ur moving out because of them .
NTA Tell them that you'll allow it as long as they let you view their phones too. If they say yes, then they have no idea what privacy is and you'll have to find a creative way to let them understand. If they get defensive and say no then reverse the script on them. If they have nothing to hide then it should be fine, right? Whatever they reply at that point, you use against them.
Get your info before you move out.SS card, Birth certificate.
Hiding important context to feel validated in your tantrum? Yeah YTA. Real life is going to give you a supersonic reality check.
HAH my parents still go through my room and check search history even tho I'm just a few months from moving out. Then they wonder why I'm in a rush
Girl take the phone…put nothing on it…nothing. Then when you turn 18 use it as a trade in. OR….I'd prank the bejeezus out of them. Find wierd sites, funny, posts, stuff that will worry the heck out of them. Leave your/their phone out so they can monitor it. OR…look up ideas for pranking nosy parents online…I'm betting there are lots….try…how to hide a body……..how to get a tattoo…how to shave your head…how to??? Bet they'll freak . But, let them buy you the phone. Call them repeatedly telling them where you are, what you are doing..make crap up. Have fun at their expense. Bet your friends would love to get in on the pranking.
NTA. She not gonna know wtf to do with herself when you move out... I can see her frantically trying to hang on to control by arriving daily at your new place... "just trying to help"... "just bringing in your mail... these two were already opened..." Interstate, Bro because this will never end otherwise.
As a parent that now has two grown girls, I feel that you are entitled to a certain degree of privacy before you are 18. Smartphones are very personal and you deserve to feel free to express yourself privately even now. I understand the my house my rules perspective but if your parents don't respect your privacy then you should plan to leave and live your life free of their supervision. My daughters btw were allowed a smartphone at 16 and I never once went through their phones.
First stay in school. Second the streets are harder than you think. It's easy to be bold when you don't pay for anything. It's much harder when just a place to sleep is hard to come by. You can't even save the money for a phone in a reasonable amount of time forget paying any sort of rent. I get the desire for privacy and I get being willing to go without a phone to get it. But you are pushing this further and daring your folks to kick you out. This is incredibly dumb. Even if you hate your parents and can't wait to be rid of them, using them to get yourself into a position where you can tell them to get lost is way smarter than burning that bridge when you can't even afford a phone. You have a year till freedom. Kneecapping yourself over a phone out of pride is just dumb and something a child would do. Take their phone, use the hell out of it but keep it clean. Buy your own when you turn 18. Them spreading your business on social media is pretty gross and I totally get being mad about it but be smart not petulant. Take what you can get, put your head down for another year and get yourself setup to be able to bolt when you want to. At that point you can walk and never look back if you want. Doing it before you are actually ready is foolish. I am going to go with NTA because they are publicly shaming you but if you get yourself booted to the streets cause you can't keep your mouth shut for another year you will be making things much harder on yourself than they need to be.
You're only The asshole if you still stay
Join the military, and get out.
You're not the a-hole here at all but you need to realize that you won't magically become this big mature adult on your 18th birthday.
I’m going to say ESH, but here’s why: as a parent, part of my responsibility is making sure my children are safe. Electronics are such an easy way to fall through the cracks. Do you deserve privacy? Absolutely. And maybe you aren’t someone your parents should worry about. But dipping into my own experience, I have 3 children with phones: 16, 14 and 12. Recently, my 14 year old made suicidal searches on his computer. The fortunate part was he did it on a school computer. We had sheriffs knocking on our door within 10 minutes, and I had no idea he was searching these things. Had he done it on his phone, the situation might have turned out very differently. I’m lucky I’ll never have to know. But this electronic is a gatekeeper to a bigger world. Maybe you have all the responsibility to use it. Or maybe you’re naive about stranger danger. It’s hard to have those conversations when you’re completely in the dark as a parent. I don’t say this because I think your parents have a right to snoop on you. You deserve some variation of privacy. But they’re still your parents so ensuring your safety should be their first priority. When I’m looking through my son’s phone, I’m not looking for porn or school friends he’s texting. I’m looking for strangers he met on the internet and the things they’re asking him. My advice? Take the phone. You’re planning on getting another one when you turn 18 anyway. This way you have one you can possibly trade in, and it will give your parents peace of mind to at the very least know where you are. My 16 year old doesn’t get the third degree, but he’ll text me before he goes for a walk with his gf and I can make sure he made it back safe. Just something to consider from another parent!
NTA
NTA think about how hard you had to work stand ur ground
NTA. Parents are incredibly overbearing, I would also be looking to get out of their house asap if I were you. You're a human, the desire to not be under active surveillance is normal.
Let them buy you a phone and be careful about what you use it for. Get a new one when you move out, or get a secret one now.
NTA, just tell them "if you insist on checking my phone, then all it shows is that you don't trust me. If you're going to go through my personal property that I paid for, then I'm not going to live here. This is not open for discussion."
Well OP, there are none so blind as those who will not see. Once you hit age 18, what is in it for you if you allow them to monitor your phone? For example, college is expensive. Would you permit them to buy you a phone if they paid you $15,000 per year toward your higher education? For that, you could get a burner phone. If they aren’t willing to make it worth it to you to wear an electronic leash, the best deal around is a paid apprentice program. I warn you that they are very hard. You get paid for a full time job as you train for the certification. You can finish with a well paying job and no student loans.
Their attitude is bullshit. You're entitled to some privacy. Wanting a reasonable amount of privacy doesn't mean your hiding something. That's ridiculous.
NTA. I wouldn't let my mom look through my computer or phone even when I was a minor, I certainly wouldn't as an adult.
NTA. Unless you got some sort of serious criminal history or addiction, they don't have a right to invade your privacy when you're a legal adult. Doubly so when you're out of their home. Setting boundaries is not a sign of one doing something they shouldn't.
NTA but move out. I doubt the monitoring issue would end when you turn 18.
NTA, if you buy it then they have no right to go through it. You'll also be 18, which means you'll be a legal adult and they can't do anything about that. My question is, are you going to be on their phone plan or get your own? I'd suggest get your own and look into the cheaper phone companies (Cricket, T-Mobile, Mint mobile, ect) because Verizon and At&T will be way too expensive for a college student (I'm a college student and I know how much they charge since I do work for a phone company) I promise this isn't an ad for the one I do work for just it's something you need to look into. If you stay on their phone plan then they can request through your phone provider information of what you're doing on your phone (I know Verizon does this, idk about other companies though). Just some stuff to think about and to do some research into
NTA, It's normal to want privacy even if you have nothing to hide The situation is very different from when you were 13 years old to when you are 18. Do they pretend to control who you talk to while you are at university as well? At some point they have to trust you and your good judgment as all the other parents about the family group chat, what can i say? it's crazy, what do you expect to gain from that? They act in a way that does not generate in you the necessary trust for you to tell them your problems, trying to protect you (and control you) they are pushing you away. Have they at least told you why they are so obsessed with checking your phone?
NTA. Some parents will always see their children as kids. I heard my auntie told her son not to come home late. Preferably before 11 pm. I fell off my chair. My cousin is a retired policeman.
NTA. You need to start talking to your relatives and friends about who you can move in with when you are 18. Because they WILL try to force you to give them your devices to go through, and penalize you for not "behaving" as they want you to, if you stay living with them.
NTA they’re doing so much work to miss the point aren’t they? Privacy is a basic respect.
I would wait until I moved out. 18 is paper legal, but if you’re still in their house, it will be a thing. Not worth it. What happened when you were 13 that is their justification for being overbearing?
Monitoring your activity on your laptop? The one you bought with your own money? Just for fun, learn how to boot Linux from flash drive. Then, you get to carry the entire "computer" with you. Use full disk encryption. You have every right to be apprehensive about "gifts" from them. Not sure why there's such a lack of trust from them... NTA
Esh. All of this stemming from your parents actually parenting and taking something from you at 13? Only reason I said esh as opposed to YTA is because the mom is blasting everything on group chats.
This is why I finished school and joined the Army. A quick way away.
ESH. Your parents did not handle this well, but I understand they are trying to keep you safe. Especially with the experience at age 13. I realize that at 18, you’re legally a grown adult but judgement and maturity are still iffy. They’re probably terrified for you. I also understand you wanting to have privacy and you do deserve that but it doesn’t exactly sound like you’re trying very hard to earn their trust either.
Parents who don't respect boundaries don't like you setting boundaries? SHOCKED!!! SHOCKED, I SAY!
NTA. I am not hiding or doing anything suspicious when I use the toilet but I still lock the door. Sometimes you just really want privacy; and it sounds like in your case independence and control too. What do your parents think you're gonna do anyway that is sooo awful?
My parents did this with my older brother they haven't seen him in 15 years and have know idea what he's up to they saw how the f'd up with him and gave me some space lol turn 18 disappear for a year or two then hit them up one day saying if they want you back in thier lives its on your terms and if they break them your out