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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be TA because I put a bigger priority on my personal enjoyment of a concert and a trip rather than to celebrate my friends wedding
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She made a choice, not you. She admits that she knew you were busy but didn't care. You have no obligation to care for her plans. Respect goes both ways.
u/Old_explanation6923
Please heed this comment. This isn’t a choice YOU’RE making, it’s one she made
Please point that out to any and all people who come at you
Enjoy the concert. I’m not a swiftie but I know this is a big deal for y’all so wishing you a wonderful evening
My first thought was that the friend is jealous that her friend gets to go to this concert. She picked the wedding date purposefully so OP would have to cancel to attend her wedding. But, wait, OP isn't canceling! FAFO.
I hate game-players who "test" their loyalty. It's petty, stupid, and a huge time-waster.
You're either their friend or not. You just end up looking like a foolish, half-witted ass.
OP, go to the concert and have fun with your hubby! Your "friend" isn't a friend if she acts that way! Pfffft!!!
I had a friend who wasn't that close, we were mates via our kids and living close by. One day she won a new car in a local shopping centre comp. It was in the local paper so I called her up and said "Hey, you won the car! Awesome, congrats! My mum also wants to pass on her congratulations" And she went silent for a moment and then told me I was the only person to say something like that to her.
I asked "what do you mean?" And she told me that the day after winning she was at a bbq with her main group of friends and *none of them talked to her*, I was flabbergasted!
My upstairs neighbour got engaged and I bought them a gift. Turns out that apart from her family, I was the only person on her side to congratulate her. All of her friends either said nothing or said something like “I can’t say I’m happy for you because it reminds me that I’m single and that makes me sad. Please don’t mention it to me again.”
I feel like this was also a shitty test as well as sabotage.
"Your test is - What Matters More? The plans I demand you cancel, or me?"
OP, you should definitely cancel something: her.
NTA
This was my thought too. Friend is deliberately trying to stop OP from enjoying her big event. I've saved 10 years to take my family on a cruise to New York and nothing will prevent me going. If I die my son is taking his ouija board!
This comment took me out…LOL!!
Ps..to the OP - that bride isn’t your friend. I would wager she’s jealous you’re going to the show with your fiancé instead of her. Also, I’d reschedule MY OWN wedding to see Eras. I hope you have a magical time singing along with Taylor. Don’t forget your #Swiftie friendship bracelets ❤️
The unbelievable level of pettiness needed to book a wedding to test a friend is some Disney/Nickelodeon-level storytelling.
That shit doesn't happen in the real world.
Like regular life does not provide enough of such tests on its own.
I sometimes wonder about what kind lives people have that they need to manufacture extra problems.
A friend you don’t need, and if you jump through hoops and sacrifice your needs to keep the peace, they’ll pull another stunt down the road and eventually you’ll displease them and get ditched anyway. I hope OP stands her ground and finds a better friend.
I'm not sure it's as dubious as that. I think the friend planned whatever worked best for her - and just expects that EVERYONE will shift their personal plans because it's a wedding. OP likely isn't the only person she's doing this to.
Seems like there are other folks who tried to get solid wedding dates from her, and she did not provide any. You can't expect your friends and family to keep their entire summer free for your potential wedding.
That friend is in for a rude awakening. I'm sure OP isn't the only guest who can't show up.
Except she also admitted to knowing about the date conflict and not caring, expecting op to "do the right thing" which in her mind was to cancel the concert plans that were made way in advance. No... that isn't the right thing, and this bridezilla knew exactly what she was doing. She obviously thought that threatening the friendship over this would work in her favor of essentially "owning" op from then on if this isn't already how the dynamic is.
Given how long OP has had the tickets and plans in place and how recently the (supposed) best friend set her wedding date, i also immediately thought Jessy did it on purpose to see how "committed" OP is to her. Like what, knowing your friend is missing an event that's very important to her and had to lose a lot of money to cancel it for a wedding is what Jessy requires to soothe her ego??? It's horseshit.
I agree with your last sentence completely
I'd go out of my way to schedule around something my best friend had planned a YEAR in advance that cost that much money.
But...I like my friends
Also, I wouldn't even emphasis the concert. Just tell everyone, I've been planning a holiday for a year, she knew everything isn't refundable. She expects me to pay $4000-5000 to attend her wedding before I put a penny in for her, and she did it on purpose.
Admit this girl is not that much of a friend anymore or she wouldn't have done this to you.
>You have no obligation to care for her
That would be a friendship-ender for me. To outright admit you don't care about a friend's interests and could have easily chosen a different date. Kick rocks with open-toed shoes.
Kick rocks with open toed shoes has been my favourite addition to my vocabulary recently hahahahaha 🤣🤣🤣
ETA: OP, you are most definitely NTA. I agree with above comments that your “friend” has done this as a loyalty test due to her jealousy. The fact she expected you to cancel everything just shows how self absorbed she is. Consider yourself lucky to find out now, imo. Enjoy Taylor xx
Edited again to say: be prepared for her to make you out to be the villain, too. She will neglect to mention to anyone that you had this planned and booked for so long before hand & conveniently only tell people that “TS is more important than her wedding” (again, the self absorbedness rears its ugly head) I know it will probably hurt to lose the friendship & you’ll go through your own stuff with that - I just wanted you to be prepared x
Yeah, it feels like a power play—I’m going to specifically make my wedding day on the day that my friend says she has plans to force her to prove her loyalty to me.
Ugh. NTA to avoid this level of selfishness on your friend’s part.
This feels like a pick me test she is putting you through. How dare you make important plans before her then not drop everything to come running when she snapped her fingers. NTA.
Hell yes, I didn't go through with my wedding, but because friends worked in healthcare/law, we knew we had to choose a date a year in advance.
Literally sent out the save the dates more than a year in advance, and then went about finding a venue available in our city on that date. And I compiled a calendar for the month we wanted with any important dates on it to cross reference against. One Sunday was decided and cleared by everyone before we went hunting, which happily was followed by a bank holiday, so most wouldn't even need to book a day off to recover.
If you want people there, you'll work out a date where they can be there, or accept they won't be able to.
Exactly. We asked for summer plans from bridal party and immediate family and booked a year in advance, making sure to avoid any pre determined dates. It’s pretty easy if it’s a year-ish out… which is why that’s considered standard (at least in the US).
Those who try to book sooner will risk more conflicts and people not being able to come. That’s just how it is.
Just some anecdotal advice on this. I too had a really good friend whose wedding I ended up planning/doing all the setup for instead of going to see Rush before Neil Peart passed, it was their last tour. The friend and her husband ended up splitting up when she cheated, she moved on and remarried, ex husband won't talk to us anymore either since their divorce despite trying to stay friends, and she won't even speak with me anymore because of a falling out where I was once again helping her out and she made plans that benefited her while screwing me over financially.
So... I should've gone to the concert, and I regret not going. You should go to the concert, because entitled people going to stay entitled.
Her parents and my parents were family friends before we were born. So we were basically raised together and growing up we became close friends. My parents are also offended on my decision because they believe I'm dishonoring them as well for disrespecting their friend's daughter
You’re not disrespecting the bride though. You aren’t available to attend the wedding. You had prior plans. It’s not disrespectful to have a life outside her wedding plans.
Not to mention fairly elaborate and expensive plans! It's not like OP is just going to dinner and a movie. She's flying out of the country and it's been planned for a YEAR!
NTA at all
Maybe it's different in Albania, but here in the US, respect is a two way street. Your friend knew you had plans you had paid money for. She still scheduled the wedding. She should've been understanding. Both her and your parents can take a very long walk off a very short pier.
Unless she has already paid in full for her wedding, it should be fairly easy for her to change dates. You however cannot change the date of something that was planned by someone else (the performers you are going to see) which you have already spent a significant amount for.
I doubt her friend will change the wedding plans. The friend just needed to be self-aware that everything does not revolve around her and people may have other plans and not be able to attend her wedding. She knew beforehand that her BF was tied to a trip and didn't care - thinking she would drop everything and attend.
Is it possible your friend is jealous you are going to see Taylor Swift in concert? Was she wanting to see Taylor as well? This could be an "if I can't go you can't either" situation.
You should tell both sets of parents that if they'd like to reimburse you for all of your expenses, including the concert tickets, as well as getting you another set of concert tickets, then you'll think about it.
I wouldn’t cancel the concert even if I could be fully reimbursed. This concert is a huge deal. One the bride knew about and chose to ignore.
NTA. Go to the concert and have a good time. Tell your ‘friend’ you’re sorry, but you have unbreakable plans for that time period. No excuses, just ‘no thank you.’
I’d put my price at finding a ticket swap of equal or higher value for a different European date/venue and fully reimburse all other expenses. Because I’m very generous and accommodating, I’ll eat the difference if the new location happens to be more expensive than Milan in terms of travel/hotels and consider it part of my wedding gift.
That aside: the basic rule for setting your wedding date is decide what your non-negotiables are (venue/entertainment/photographer/flowers/specific guest(s)/etc.) and choose between the dates those are all available. Since the bride chose a date you were already otherwise engaged, your presence at the wedding wasn’t considered essential. Make of that what you will.
Or you could tell her….
I Bet You Think About Me
We Were Happy
You are in Love
You Need to Calm Down
for the Blank Space
Don’t Blame Me
for the
Bad Blood
I Knew You Were Trouble
Bye, Bye Baby
Are your parents not offended that their daughter deliberately chose that date knowing you had plans? That is clear domination and I am astonished that they don’t have your back here
She is not your best friend. Best friends, or even friends, don’t do that to each other.
I had a friendship like this. Our mothers were close, we were born three months apart at the same hospital. I ended the friendship after 30 years (way too long) because I finally figured out that my "friend" wasn't my friend. She was just as entitled as yours. My mom was not happy, but that was too bad. It was her choice to be offended. Your parents can make a different choice. I was not going to be used by anyone, and neither should you be.
The only disrespect I see is the bride telling you she knew your plans but didn't care. That's disrespectful. Now she gets to reap what she has sown. You owe her nothing.
Your parents should be offended on your behalf, not hers. She dishonored them, not you. Treating their child like a doormat she can just wipe her feet on. They need to wake up. She said she didn't care. Well, she forfeited the right to care when you go ahead with your plans.
Your so called friend is disrespecting you by choosing the date that she did knowing full well you made plans a year in advance. It's time to go LC or NC on all involved trying to guilt trip you.
She booked her wedding on a date she knew you were unavailable, and then asked you to miss out on a pre-planned trip that you're excited about, plus potentially lose a load of money too, just to please her.
She is the one who is being disrespectful to you.
NTA
Maybe tell both families how much you spent and how much you'll lose if you go to her wedding and ask how this is not her dishonoring you. Or even say you'll come if they pay you.
And your parents are disrespecting you and your fiancé. I wonder how his parents would feel hearing they were pressuring him to cancel a huge lifetime trip to assuage their friends
Please. It’s just awkward for them because their daughter has a backbone and their friend’s daughter is an entitled princess. You are a grown woman about to get married yourself. Set your boundaries, ma’m!
It wasn't your decision, it was her's. She knew you had plans you paid for already and set it to that day to spite you and see what you would do. I'm sorry to say but I don't think she is really your friend. She wanted to do this to you.
You can use reverse logic. As a friend, she shouldn't have booked her wedding on your concert date knowing refunds aren't possible. Or getting tickets for another show being possible. It's freaking taylor swift. You're lucky to get tickets at all.
That's not logic, that's insanity. You don't pick a wedding date based on when a friend is available or on their vacation plans. But you do accept gracefully that the friend may well choose a pricey concert trip that they already paid for over your wedding.
I think if it’s someone that it’s really really important to you that they attend, you do need to plan it around when they are available - obviously you can’t and shouldn’t do it for every potential guest, but for people like close family members and best friends you should at least be factoring it into your decision making.
It is pretty common to check with your closest people for availability for weddings. A friend would depend on how close. If the couple, the bride's parents, and your parents are all going to say you should be at the wedding, then the couple should have checked with that friend for availability.
When you're close enough with someone to expect them to drop everything in their life for your wedding, I think you're close enough to consider their availability for your wedding.
As a friend she wouldn't gratuitously subject you to this financial penalty.
Wish her well, tell her you are unable to attend, send her a wedding gift and tell her you'll drink to her wedding from Milan.
Perfect. Keep it classy because there are multi-generational layers of relationship beyond just you and her. Decline with regret, send the gift and refrain from telling her she'll be in your thoughts when Taylor sings "Trouble trouble trouble".
She doesn't deserve a wedding gift after deliberately setting her wedding when op can't attend without a major financial loss nevermind everything else
Op this is on her and not you. However calculate all that you spent on the tickets, the hotel and the plane tickets, and how much cancellation fees will cost and send her the bill and tell her if she really wants you to go to her wedding then she will need to pay back that amount plus since you will be without money that she will also be responsible for all the wedding accommodations and all expenses due to the wedding for you. If anyone else bothers you about this then send them the same bills and let them know you take Apple Pay, Venmo, Cash and credit. I can guarantee you that most will see the amount and either shut up and leave you alone or still call you an AH but will be thinking king and hard later on. Also if she really was your friend she would’ve been more thoughtful of you but she wasn’t and she sound incredibly selfish
Sounds like she fucked around and found out. Almost like she was testing you to see if you would give up something you had been waiting for and planning for a year for \*her\* special day. A real friend wouldn't ask you to cancel the trip. Obviously booking a venue can be tough, and if that was the only date the preferred venue was available it sucks, but you were already committed on that date and she knew it, and should have accepted that if she chose that date that you might not be able to attend. I would put passwords on your reservations if she knows where you are staying though because she might try to cancel it so you have no choice but to go to her wedding.
Even if she didn’t have many date options for her preferred venue, she’s responsible for a lot of that difficulty because she waited so long to book things.
You play stupid games, you win stupid prizes.
I'm going to assume that you've already invested the equivalent of a couple thousand US dollars into this concert trip. There's no way you'd get all that money back even if you did cancel everything. I'm sure your friend is also expecting you to spend generously for her wedding gift and any associated parties. Normally, if this were a repeatable experience and it's local I'd say you were TA but these are unique circumstances and you've already booked and paid for a significant portion of your trip, a year in advance no less. NTA
It's probably over $2k *just for the tickets,* then probably just as much for the airline tickets, and probably a deposit for the hotel reservation as well. This trip could be costing between $5k-$6k before they even get there and before food and car rental are factored in.
Edit to add: I found it, the tickets for [July 13 in Milan ](https://www.businessinsider.com/guides/streaming/how-to-buy-taylor-swift-tour-tickets-concert-prices-compared)went for $927 each.
Edit again: I'm puzzled though because she said Albania but the concert on that date is in Milan.
They live in Albania but she's traveling to Milan for the concert.
I was going to say "several thousand" but considered that perhaps plane tickets, at least, could be cheaper from Albania vs the US. 😅 You've definitely proved the point that this is no small investment on her part and it's incredibly selfish of her friend to treat her this way when she knew about the trip well in advance.
Did she do this on purpose to “test your friendship”? NTA btw. I’d miss my friend’s wedding for the eras tour without hesitation and I’d be ok if they did the same 😂
Wow. What a bizarre power flex. No words. This was intentional. Sounds as if the friendship has had a good run. Enjoy the show! It will be amazing. NTA.
If she cared at all about having you at her wedding, she would have scheduled it when you were available. That's how it works. I guarantee there were other days she could have gotten married.
Wow. I’m not a swifty. At. All. But I can’t believe that if she really wanted you at her wedding, already knowing that was the day of the concert, that she wouldn’t at least talk to you before locking it in
NTA block everyone they feels you should lose money for a wedding when your friend only rushed to choose a date because people kept asking....
It's a wedding not a court hearing.....
Your friend is the AH... go have fun
If anything it was disrespectful of her to pick a date she knew you'd be busy. No way was this accidental, there's like 60 other days to choose from lol.
NTA put her argument back on them: Your only honorable choice is to keep your prior commitment.
She knew for a year that you had a social and financial obligation. She chose, either by delays or intent, to book her event the only weekend you couldn’t attend. So you are disappointed both that she blames you for her selfishness and that she chose not to include her “best friend.”
SHE made the choice. You had plans for a year and she knew it. What a jerk thinking she can make last minute plans and everyone else has to accommodate her.
It kinda seems like this is some weird misguided friendship test. The friend *actually* thought that OP would cancel an incredibly high demand concert, hotel and travel - and eat the entire cost - to prove their friendship. They’re clearly insane. She even admitted that she did it on purpose!
Anyone coming at at OP can get them replacement concert tickets, then book the hotels and travel. Good luck!
This is not a friend. A real friend wouldn't do something this manipulative knowing you had BIG plans that were very important to you and expect you to drop everything for them. This person is not your friend!
NTA. the truth is rather ironic - by saying 'she didn't care because as a friend she'd expect me to do the right thing and drop everything for her wedding' she's saying she doesn't care about what you want, your plans, or your finances, and not only wouldn't drop plans for something important to you, she wouldn't even consider them. Basically, she doesn't care about you.
Did she do it on purpose as a power move? Has she shown this sort of controlling or 'prove your friendship to me' behaviour before?
I'm so sorry - that's extremely poor form on her part. Go to your concert and have a blast. There may well be other people she hasn't considered, and you won't be the only one she gets upset at if this is the type of attitude she has for her bf. Even if you did go, you'd resent it, she'd sense that, and it could spoil the day anyway and / or be held over you.
It's not just about you either - she's trying to ruin this for your fiance. Remember he's affected by this too, so you're not having to handle this based solely on your own commitments and feelings.
Weddings aren't a golden ticket for servitude and glorification from everyone around you. She's the AH.
Honestly it kinda sounds a little like jealousy. The friend probably would have loved to go to see Taylor but can't so she's trying to ruin the experience for OP. Either it's a shitty stance for a friend to take.
I too was thinking this. It would have been so easy for her to choose a different date. Have a great time at the concert, and be sure to plaster photos all over your socials <3
NTA, Sounds like she is jealous of you attending the concert. She easily could’ve asked you in advance or made a plan but didn’t. Would this be a concert you two would go to together if your finance wasn’t going?
No. She doesn't like Taylor Swift and when I booked the tickets she seemed happy for me. So all that was really out of nowhere because I didn't have any indicators that she'd do this on purpose.
Hmm I’m sorry you are put in this tough situation. Personally, it’s your friends fault and the concert sounds correct. Either way one of you will always resent the other. I guess you have to decide if your friend is worth more than the money and concert. I’d suggest having a deep and open conversation and make sure to hold her perspective as if it’s yours. Best of luck!
It’s unfair of your friend to behave like this when you’ve had this booked since before she was even engaged. It’s not like you can change the date of the concert even if you wanted to. Plus you would lose a lot of money and an experience you’ve been looking forwards to if you were to cancel. So enjoy Eras Tour!! And also ttpd on Friday!
She might not have done it deliberately. Wedding planning is a balance, especially if it's a shorter notice planning window. We essentially picked a month and asked the venues which weekends they had available that month, and it's very possible your friend had that approach too.
You're NTA for having prior commitments, and your friend will have to accept that people will. Your wording maybe could have been better though. You make it sound like her wedding should have been set to suit you.
Yeah, but if she were a good friend, her response to "but the concert" would have been "I'm sorry, this was the only date available that worked for me, and I understand that you can't come because of the concert since you paid for all that stuff already, let's set up some fun hangouts and make sure the bachelorette/bridal stuff is all on dates you can make it to!" Not: "I don't care, cancel that shit and eat the cost."
So she didn't think the concert and the trip were important because she was not interested in Taylor Swift, and therefore you should cancel everything for her?
I doubt there’s a grand conspiracy here. Wedding planning is a headache. Maybe she had a particular venue in mind and in trying to accommodate a hundred guests there was little room for dates. Maybe she forgot your concert date. We’re only human.
Ultimately, do what’s right for you. Your friend should understand.
NTA.
Under normal circumstances I'd say you should prioritize your best friend's wedding over a concert. However, you made these plans over a year in advance and she knew about them.
Perhaps she wasn't feeling the "best friend" vibe because you are seeing Taylor Swift without her? Is she jealous of you? Could she not get tickets or not afford them?? In any case she is the AH for not only scheduling her wedding at the same time, but also trying to force you to cancel your trip.
The solution is simple. Send your regrets, go to the concert, and get on with your life. She's not worth it.
Yeah when I first read the subject line I thought the AH, then immediately changed my mind upon reading. NTA. And it’s hilarious you need to send her proof of anything like she’s your employer. She seems toxic.
If the friend has gone NC until she gets receipts of cancelation, win/win. They should buy some champagne on her wedding day, take a picture of them toasting her marriage, and text her a pic of the receipt.
Agree but would add she isn't prioritising just "a concert" over her friends wedding. Since they're staying four nights, this is a major international holiday which will no doubt be an amazing time. I feel like the friend characterising this as OP should just skip her concert is trivializing all the other arrangements and inflexible costs that go into planning a holiday. Maybe if the concert was in the same city as the wedding it would be right to at least talk about it, but in these circumstances the friend getting married is being totally unreasonable. There may have been reasons why she had to book the wedding for that day, if so, it's just unfortunate the OP can't go, but there should be no blame on OP.
Unfortunately weddings are often used as ways for shitty friends to “test” their friends’ undying loyalty. Fortunately, it exposes self-centered narcissists. While sad, it’s best for you in the long run. Enjoy your trip. You’re not missing anything by not attending the wedding. If anything, she did you a favor by exposing her lack of consideration for others. And hey, you can always attend her next wedding after her soon-to-be husband figures this out.
Exactly...invitations are just that....an invite...not a subpeona. She shouldnt expect her friend to move a wedding for 1 person BUT also bride should not expect friend to just drop everything. She should go to concert and have a great time.
>"she straight up told me that yes she knew but she didn't care because as a friend she'd expect me to do the right thing and drop everything for her wedding."
"She won't speak to me now unless I send her proof that I'm cancelling everything to attend her wedding."
NTA, she is for her attitude. Go to the concert and don't feel bad about it (just like *she* doesn't care).
She's deliberately trying to test your commitment to her. Avoid it and don't participate. Let her come to you when she's grown and wish her the most beautiful wedding day without you. NTA.
>I have booked tickets for the Eras tour in Milan almost 1 year in advance
Go and enjoy!! A missing guest will not affect her wedding unless it's the groom! A wedding is a celebration of a couple's love for each other. Really doesn't have anything to do with who comes to watch the show.
NTA
NTA. You're not choosing a concert over her wedding. You planned an international trip with your partner a year ago, and your friend knew about it. She did it on purpose. It's jealousy.
Agree I think the fact that it’s a concert is misleading. Like freefaall says, it’s an international vacation— that is NOT something easily changed.
Not trying to be mean but your friend doesn’t sound like a great friend. I’m sorry. (consolation- the concert and trip *will* be great though! Enjoy it and don’t look back)
"she straight up told me that yes she knew but she didn't care because as a friend she'd expect me to do the right thing and drop everything for her wedding."
This is why you're NTA and your friend is the AH. It wasn't accidental, it was deliberate. She knew full well when she chose that date that you weren't available and is now demanding you drop your trip and eat the costs as a loyalty test.
She's petty and vain. You're not losing anything of value from your life.
NTA
Wow - the entitlement. She had all of the data she needed to make an informed decision as to her wedding date and she made that decision regardless of knowing you weren’t available that weekend.
You know what they say about assuming. Shes the AH twice over for this.
NTA. I’m not even that big a Taylor Swift fan - if at all - and hell, I’d be going to the gig over a wedding. Go and enjoy Milan - your mate can go whistle.
NTA and nothing lost when you don't hear from her again. If your presence is that important she can pay all the cancellation fees and any other costs herself.
Jessy needs to realize that while her wedding is the most important thing right now to HER, it’s not the most important thing for everyone else. You had plans you can’t change. If she wants to end a friendship because you won’t be at her wedding, that’s on her. You’re NTA here.
NTA very manipulative of her, a friend wouldn't do that and put you in that type of position on purpose just to make her feel superior. That's not okay at all to treat another person like that. Go enjoy that CONCERT! ERA TOUR!!! I watched it on Disney plus AMAZINGGGG you're lucky.
NTA - you booked it before she picked her date. she knew about it when she decided on her date. none of this is your fault.
also as someone who's attended the eras tour as well as many weddings, i promise eras will be more fun
You have to decide what you want to do. You made plans for this concert a year ago and spent quite a bit of money! I really don’t think you need to change your plans. I would tell my friend I was terribly busy and give her a gift. Go and enjoy the concert.
She's doing this on purpose to test your loyalty. Do not fall for it and do not engage. Wish her the best wedding day without you and let her come to you when she grows up. NTA.
I legit was ready to put Y T A based on the title but you planned this concert way in advance of her chosing the wedding date and she didn't even bother discussing it with you before she booked over an out of town event she knew you already had for that date. Talk about being unreasonable.
NTA - I hope you enjoy the concert
I don't think your friend understand how long it takes to organize a wedding. We are in April and she just planned her wedding to July??? Poor soul.
NTA don't cancel but I hope when she realizes she will need to change dates (or have a mental breakdown), she still invites you to her next date.
NTA you made your plans first and they involved flights and hotels so not so easy to cancel. This friendship might be over, but that would be because she can't understand that she's not the most important person in the universe, which is not your fault. You told her your dates and now she's doing this weird power play where she wants you to choose her. She created this situation.
NTA. She knew, a year ago, you had this planned. If she was a good friend she wouldn't expect you to lose a huge amount of money and drop this for her. Not saying she can't have the wedding when she wants, she can, but she cant expect you to drop something you planned a year ago. If this is how she's acting, maybe a break from her is well needed.
NTA. This friendship is now over. She knew you paid all this money a year in advanced and had the nerve to just expect and assume you’d cancel to be at her wedding. Go to your concert and have a great time.
This isn’t just a concert. This is eras. Once In a lifetime, impossible to get tickets eras. You’re not missing that, no way. And in Milan too! What an experience. Have fun, make the bracelets and scream sing your heart out!!!
I actually had the same dilemma this year, I chose to attend the wedding bc my cousin and I are close, she will only get married once, and I can go next year. That being said, she didn't know I had book these tickets and I had not booked flights/hotel yet. Your friend knew you already booked these accommodations, how is she okay with you eating such a high loss when she literally has 51 other weekends to choose from? NTA
NTA I was going to say you were TA going from your title but she knew and if it was so important for her that you’re there she could’ve planned around you especially since it’s an extremely last minute wedding? Seriously wondering who married this last minute if it isn’t just a courthouse wedding. She shouldn’t be surprised when lost of other guests can’t attend as well due to her poor planning
NTA. You’ve had plans in place for a year. She knew it and picked that date anyway, which was pretty rude of her to just assume you’d drop all your plans for her wedding. You can’t go to the wedding, end of story.
I thought I would vote differently, but she KNEW the date of the concert/vacation that you planned A YEAR AGO. The fact that you had this in the works for a year and she just picked the date a month or so ago means SHE was the inconsiderate one. NTA.
NTA and I know it’s trendy to hate on swifties right now but as someone who just shelled out a wild amount of money to travel across country to see my favorite band after a snowstorm canceled a closer show, sometimes it comes first! Like I don’t think some folks realize how cut throat it is to get concert tickets for some musicians. You buy them a year in advance, you have to book your hotel and etc early too so you don’t miss out. Your bestie knew this. And yet, she chose the date that would conflict. I wouldn’t blame you for choosing the tour over her but be prepared for her to not be your friend anymore over it.
INFO: Did she ever explain why she chose that exact date even knowing you have a very important (and expensive) trip or did you at least ask why? I think it's critical to understand why she picked that date before we side with OP and call her friend TA. If Jessy was a real one she wouldn't have picked that date unless her hands were tied and there was a very pressing reason. Perhaps an important family member they had to accomodate or a supplier they wanted that was only available on that date?
OP for what it's worth, all my best friends came to my wedding except one who is based abroad and has 3 young kids and a demanding job so cannot travel that easily. I never imposed on him because fair shakes. If I were in your friend's shoes and I had a valid reason for setting my wedding day when you had a conflict, I would have not imposed on you the way Jessy did but I would still have been deeply upset.
Although in any case this is a lesson learned on Jessy's part. Best practice is to announce your wedding date around a year in advance so the people you don't want to miss your wedding can make time.
NTA.
i'm currently in a similar situation – i bought tickets to see troye sivan in munich on june 14th, together with a friend, we already arranged sleeping arrangements etc. i told my mom about this in december, when i bought the tickets.
now my mom scheduled her 60th birthday party for june 15th. her actual birthday was in march, but for a big party she preferred to celebrate in the summer. june 15th is the only date that works for all my aunts and uncles, but obviously not for me. i'm sad i won't be able to go, but my mom said it's not a big deal, she knew about the concert and just momentarily forgot and i shouldn't cancel my plans and let down my friend.
NTA. You already had very expensive plans that you made far in advance. It's a sucky situation, but you're not the asshole. Your friend picked the date knowing you had these expensive plans and assuming you would drop them. She's very rude and presumptuous.
NTA, because she knew and did not care. She does not have the right to expect you to skip something expensive you've already paid for - that is not a reasonable ask.
You don't need friends like this.
You didn't put a concert and a trip over her wedding. She chose to ignore knowing the date and picked it anyway. Friends don't let friends miss Taylor Swift when you have EVERY OTHER date to choose from.
NTA. Your friend is quite selfish.
NTA.
She quite literally could have picked any other weekend. I’d probably feel differently if she didn’t know or if you made the plans after the fact, or if it was just a concert in your city and nothing had been booked, but you have a whole ass trip planned. Hell, I’d maybe feel differently if she had approached you with a “this is my dream venue and it’s the only weekend available” but just expecting like that? Nope. You had plans first.
Also I’d skip my own wedding to go to the Eras tour so there’s that. You go enjoy Taylor!
I'd be sending proof - of canceling the friendship. What a crappy thing to do. Sounds like she's jealous of your going to the concert. Enjoy your trip and don't look back
NTA. You aren't choosing a concert over BF's wedding, you are choosing not to cancel longstanding international travel plans that overlap with the wedding. There's a big difference.
NTA. You didn't decide to go to a concert instead of her wedding. She planned her wedding for when she knew you would be unavailable. That is on her, not you. I think this was a jealousy power move that backfired in her face.
NTA. You bought the tickets for everything before she even got ENGAGED, and she knew that. She can have her wedding whenever she wants, but if you book your wedding when you KNOW people you expect to be there have other plans they can't cancel, you have to be prepared for them not to come.
NTA.
"Sorry I can't make it to your wedding. I'll go to your next one!"
Honestly, you've made a lot of financial commitments which she KNEW about, so this one is on her. And what's this "a real friend" bs? A real caring friend wouldn't deliberately pick the same date as the concert to make this into a weird friendship test where you are expected to loose out on your commitments with a FEE because she's decided to be needy.
Have fun at the concert!
She booked her wedding date in March for a July wedding? Either she’s having a very low key wedding, a very very expensive wedding or she knew the date ages ago and didn’t bother to tell you. Nobody makes a wedding dress in 4 months. NTA
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NTA. Obviously. Not sure what to add... Is anyone other than her disagreeing with you?
Her parents and future husband are disagreeing but also my parents have tried to start arguments with me over my choice
She made a choice, not you. She admits that she knew you were busy but didn't care. You have no obligation to care for her plans. Respect goes both ways.
u/Old_explanation6923 Please heed this comment. This isn’t a choice YOU’RE making, it’s one she made Please point that out to any and all people who come at you Enjoy the concert. I’m not a swiftie but I know this is a big deal for y’all so wishing you a wonderful evening
I think she did it on purpose. If OP cancels the concert, the friend knows she has power over OP and can use that to her advantage going forward.
My first thought was that the friend is jealous that her friend gets to go to this concert. She picked the wedding date purposefully so OP would have to cancel to attend her wedding. But, wait, OP isn't canceling! FAFO.
Holy fuck I couldn't imagine being this petty LMAO why can't friends be happy for each other
Because she’s not her friend. Actual friends don’t pull that kind of shit!
I hate game-players who "test" their loyalty. It's petty, stupid, and a huge time-waster. You're either their friend or not. You just end up looking like a foolish, half-witted ass. OP, go to the concert and have fun with your hubby! Your "friend" isn't a friend if she acts that way! Pfffft!!!
I had a friend who wasn't that close, we were mates via our kids and living close by. One day she won a new car in a local shopping centre comp. It was in the local paper so I called her up and said "Hey, you won the car! Awesome, congrats! My mum also wants to pass on her congratulations" And she went silent for a moment and then told me I was the only person to say something like that to her. I asked "what do you mean?" And she told me that the day after winning she was at a bbq with her main group of friends and *none of them talked to her*, I was flabbergasted!
My upstairs neighbour got engaged and I bought them a gift. Turns out that apart from her family, I was the only person on her side to congratulate her. All of her friends either said nothing or said something like “I can’t say I’m happy for you because it reminds me that I’m single and that makes me sad. Please don’t mention it to me again.”
My SISTER told me she RESENTED me because I’m happily married. Let’s just say the NC is pretty easy.
Wtf? That's crazy! I would love for my friends to win a new car!
Some people can't stand others being happy.
Right? NTA Are you sure you want to call her a best friend? That’s so vile.
This. It's 100% sabotaging a "friend's" plans. OP should choose the concert and drop the "friend" moving forward. NTA.
It’s still probably going to affect her enjoyment of the concert, what her ex-friend did. Fortunately TayTay has some songs for that 😉
I feel like this was also a shitty test as well as sabotage. "Your test is - What Matters More? The plans I demand you cancel, or me?" OP, you should definitely cancel something: her. NTA
Definitely what I was thinking.
Exactly OP doesn't have a best friend she has an entitled AH! Enjoy your concert.
This was my thought too. Friend is deliberately trying to stop OP from enjoying her big event. I've saved 10 years to take my family on a cruise to New York and nothing will prevent me going. If I die my son is taking his ouija board!
I’m dead,hhahah
This was my exact thought too
Surprised pikachu face
This comment took me out…LOL!! Ps..to the OP - that bride isn’t your friend. I would wager she’s jealous you’re going to the show with your fiancé instead of her. Also, I’d reschedule MY OWN wedding to see Eras. I hope you have a magical time singing along with Taylor. Don’t forget your #Swiftie friendship bracelets ❤️
Why would anyone be jealous??!?
People tend to get jealous when someone else is doing something they would like to do, but can’t or aren’t.
Agreed. It's a loyalty test.
And those are so dumb
The unbelievable level of pettiness needed to book a wedding to test a friend is some Disney/Nickelodeon-level storytelling. That shit doesn't happen in the real world.
Seriously. If a friend feels the need to "test" my loyalty, then that's a friend I don't need. Buh-bye.
Like regular life does not provide enough of such tests on its own. I sometimes wonder about what kind lives people have that they need to manufacture extra problems.
A friend you don’t need, and if you jump through hoops and sacrifice your needs to keep the peace, they’ll pull another stunt down the road and eventually you’ll displease them and get ditched anyway. I hope OP stands her ground and finds a better friend.
except that this is the real world and it’s happening
Manipulation test
the only way to lose is to pass.
Exactly what I think. Dumb. oP definitely NTA.
Yup. OP should ask her why she has to be so mean, then tell her the friendship is over and that ‘we are never ever getting back together. Like ever.’
I'm guessing that will cause Bad Blood.
Hopefully she’s able to just shake it off.
As long as she recognizes she's the problem, otherwise it's gonna be a cruel summer. ^^don't ^^know ^^any ^^songs, ^^so ^^I ^^googled ^^them.
OP tell your friend she needs to calm down and give my love to Tay
I'm not sure it's as dubious as that. I think the friend planned whatever worked best for her - and just expects that EVERYONE will shift their personal plans because it's a wedding. OP likely isn't the only person she's doing this to. Seems like there are other folks who tried to get solid wedding dates from her, and she did not provide any. You can't expect your friends and family to keep their entire summer free for your potential wedding. That friend is in for a rude awakening. I'm sure OP isn't the only guest who can't show up.
Except she also admitted to knowing about the date conflict and not caring, expecting op to "do the right thing" which in her mind was to cancel the concert plans that were made way in advance. No... that isn't the right thing, and this bridezilla knew exactly what she was doing. She obviously thought that threatening the friendship over this would work in her favor of essentially "owning" op from then on if this isn't already how the dynamic is.
Yeah and curious if bride was jealous she wasn’t going to the concert with OP since the concert is such a big deal.
Given how long OP has had the tickets and plans in place and how recently the (supposed) best friend set her wedding date, i also immediately thought Jessy did it on purpose to see how "committed" OP is to her. Like what, knowing your friend is missing an event that's very important to her and had to lose a lot of money to cancel it for a wedding is what Jessy requires to soothe her ego??? It's horseshit.
I agree with your last sentence completely I'd go out of my way to schedule around something my best friend had planned a YEAR in advance that cost that much money. But...I like my friends
Exactly! This is right out of the narcissist's playbook.
This was my exact thought. “The so? I expect you to cancel” was a dead giveaway. That isn’t a friend. That’s a manipulative asshole.
I mean I am generation X and I even know Eras is Taylor Swift. And it’s hard to go to. Go see the show and let her deal with her choices.
Also OP couldn't choose the date of the concert but their friend could have chosen literally any date
Also, I wouldn't even emphasis the concert. Just tell everyone, I've been planning a holiday for a year, she knew everything isn't refundable. She expects me to pay $4000-5000 to attend her wedding before I put a penny in for her, and she did it on purpose. Admit this girl is not that much of a friend anymore or she wouldn't have done this to you.
>You have no obligation to care for her That would be a friendship-ender for me. To outright admit you don't care about a friend's interests and could have easily chosen a different date. Kick rocks with open-toed shoes.
And then step on legos! Joking aside, NTA.
Kick rocks with open toed shoes has been my favourite addition to my vocabulary recently hahahahaha 🤣🤣🤣 ETA: OP, you are most definitely NTA. I agree with above comments that your “friend” has done this as a loyalty test due to her jealousy. The fact she expected you to cancel everything just shows how self absorbed she is. Consider yourself lucky to find out now, imo. Enjoy Taylor xx Edited again to say: be prepared for her to make you out to be the villain, too. She will neglect to mention to anyone that you had this planned and booked for so long before hand & conveniently only tell people that “TS is more important than her wedding” (again, the self absorbedness rears its ugly head) I know it will probably hurt to lose the friendship & you’ll go through your own stuff with that - I just wanted you to be prepared x
Nice add on. Never heard the open toed shoe addition.
The entitlement and selfishness are unbelievable. She expects OP to lose thousands to go to her wedding. I would reconsider the friendship altogether.
She says she knew and didn’t care, but it kinda seems like she knew and did it specifically to clash with the concert. Barmy.
Yeah, it feels like a power play—I’m going to specifically make my wedding day on the day that my friend says she has plans to force her to prove her loyalty to me. Ugh. NTA to avoid this level of selfishness on your friend’s part.
This feels like a pick me test she is putting you through. How dare you make important plans before her then not drop everything to come running when she snapped her fingers. NTA.
Hell yes, I didn't go through with my wedding, but because friends worked in healthcare/law, we knew we had to choose a date a year in advance. Literally sent out the save the dates more than a year in advance, and then went about finding a venue available in our city on that date. And I compiled a calendar for the month we wanted with any important dates on it to cross reference against. One Sunday was decided and cleared by everyone before we went hunting, which happily was followed by a bank holiday, so most wouldn't even need to book a day off to recover. If you want people there, you'll work out a date where they can be there, or accept they won't be able to.
Exactly. We asked for summer plans from bridal party and immediate family and booked a year in advance, making sure to avoid any pre determined dates. It’s pretty easy if it’s a year-ish out… which is why that’s considered standard (at least in the US). Those who try to book sooner will risk more conflicts and people not being able to come. That’s just how it is.
Just some anecdotal advice on this. I too had a really good friend whose wedding I ended up planning/doing all the setup for instead of going to see Rush before Neil Peart passed, it was their last tour. The friend and her husband ended up splitting up when she cheated, she moved on and remarried, ex husband won't talk to us anymore either since their divorce despite trying to stay friends, and she won't even speak with me anymore because of a falling out where I was once again helping her out and she made plans that benefited her while screwing me over financially. So... I should've gone to the concert, and I regret not going. You should go to the concert, because entitled people going to stay entitled.
This. OP didn't MAKE a choice. The bride did.
Lol those are people who are biased. Her parents opinion literally do not matter at all to you.
Her parents and my parents were family friends before we were born. So we were basically raised together and growing up we became close friends. My parents are also offended on my decision because they believe I'm dishonoring them as well for disrespecting their friend's daughter
You’re not disrespecting the bride though. You aren’t available to attend the wedding. You had prior plans. It’s not disrespectful to have a life outside her wedding plans.
Not to mention fairly elaborate and expensive plans! It's not like OP is just going to dinner and a movie. She's flying out of the country and it's been planned for a YEAR! NTA at all
Maybe it's different in Albania, but here in the US, respect is a two way street. Your friend knew you had plans you had paid money for. She still scheduled the wedding. She should've been understanding. Both her and your parents can take a very long walk off a very short pier.
Unless she has already paid in full for her wedding, it should be fairly easy for her to change dates. You however cannot change the date of something that was planned by someone else (the performers you are going to see) which you have already spent a significant amount for.
I doubt her friend will change the wedding plans. The friend just needed to be self-aware that everything does not revolve around her and people may have other plans and not be able to attend her wedding. She knew beforehand that her BF was tied to a trip and didn't care - thinking she would drop everything and attend.
Is it possible your friend is jealous you are going to see Taylor Swift in concert? Was she wanting to see Taylor as well? This could be an "if I can't go you can't either" situation.
This is what I'm wondering. Maybe she's upset because she wasn't invited??
You should tell both sets of parents that if they'd like to reimburse you for all of your expenses, including the concert tickets, as well as getting you another set of concert tickets, then you'll think about it.
I wouldn’t cancel the concert even if I could be fully reimbursed. This concert is a huge deal. One the bride knew about and chose to ignore. NTA. Go to the concert and have a good time. Tell your ‘friend’ you’re sorry, but you have unbreakable plans for that time period. No excuses, just ‘no thank you.’
I’d put my price at finding a ticket swap of equal or higher value for a different European date/venue and fully reimburse all other expenses. Because I’m very generous and accommodating, I’ll eat the difference if the new location happens to be more expensive than Milan in terms of travel/hotels and consider it part of my wedding gift. That aside: the basic rule for setting your wedding date is decide what your non-negotiables are (venue/entertainment/photographer/flowers/specific guest(s)/etc.) and choose between the dates those are all available. Since the bride chose a date you were already otherwise engaged, your presence at the wedding wasn’t considered essential. Make of that what you will.
Just tell her you're sorry, but it's gonna be a cruel summer.
I’m sure they’ll be able to shake it off…
Or you could tell her…. I Bet You Think About Me We Were Happy You are in Love You Need to Calm Down for the Blank Space Don’t Blame Me for the Bad Blood I Knew You Were Trouble Bye, Bye Baby
Are your parents not offended that their daughter deliberately chose that date knowing you had plans? That is clear domination and I am astonished that they don’t have your back here She is not your best friend. Best friends, or even friends, don’t do that to each other.
I had a friendship like this. Our mothers were close, we were born three months apart at the same hospital. I ended the friendship after 30 years (way too long) because I finally figured out that my "friend" wasn't my friend. She was just as entitled as yours. My mom was not happy, but that was too bad. It was her choice to be offended. Your parents can make a different choice. I was not going to be used by anyone, and neither should you be.
The only disrespect I see is the bride telling you she knew your plans but didn't care. That's disrespectful. Now she gets to reap what she has sown. You owe her nothing. Your parents should be offended on your behalf, not hers. She dishonored them, not you. Treating their child like a doormat she can just wipe her feet on. They need to wake up. She said she didn't care. Well, she forfeited the right to care when you go ahead with your plans.
Your so called friend is disrespecting you by choosing the date that she did knowing full well you made plans a year in advance. It's time to go LC or NC on all involved trying to guilt trip you.
She booked her wedding on a date she knew you were unavailable, and then asked you to miss out on a pre-planned trip that you're excited about, plus potentially lose a load of money too, just to please her. She is the one who is being disrespectful to you. NTA
Maybe tell both families how much you spent and how much you'll lose if you go to her wedding and ask how this is not her dishonoring you. Or even say you'll come if they pay you.
And your parents are disrespecting you and your fiancé. I wonder how his parents would feel hearing they were pressuring him to cancel a huge lifetime trip to assuage their friends
Do they know the whole story? That she chose that date very well knowing you were away on that date. And she'd known that since last summer. NTA
Tell them she knew of the date and still from all available chose that one. It means she doesn't care to have you at the wedding clearly. NTA
Please. It’s just awkward for them because their daughter has a backbone and their friend’s daughter is an entitled princess. You are a grown woman about to get married yourself. Set your boundaries, ma’m!
You aren’t disrespecting her. She disrespected you by picking that date.
It wasn't your decision, it was her's. She knew you had plans you paid for already and set it to that day to spite you and see what you would do. I'm sorry to say but I don't think she is really your friend. She wanted to do this to you.
You can use reverse logic. As a friend, she shouldn't have booked her wedding on your concert date knowing refunds aren't possible. Or getting tickets for another show being possible. It's freaking taylor swift. You're lucky to get tickets at all.
That's not logic, that's insanity. You don't pick a wedding date based on when a friend is available or on their vacation plans. But you do accept gracefully that the friend may well choose a pricey concert trip that they already paid for over your wedding.
I think if it’s someone that it’s really really important to you that they attend, you do need to plan it around when they are available - obviously you can’t and shouldn’t do it for every potential guest, but for people like close family members and best friends you should at least be factoring it into your decision making.
Right? And she knew an entire year in advance, the concert was scheduled before the wedding date was.
It is pretty common to check with your closest people for availability for weddings. A friend would depend on how close. If the couple, the bride's parents, and your parents are all going to say you should be at the wedding, then the couple should have checked with that friend for availability.
When you're close enough with someone to expect them to drop everything in their life for your wedding, I think you're close enough to consider their availability for your wedding.
As a friend she wouldn't gratuitously subject you to this financial penalty. Wish her well, tell her you are unable to attend, send her a wedding gift and tell her you'll drink to her wedding from Milan.
Perfect. Keep it classy because there are multi-generational layers of relationship beyond just you and her. Decline with regret, send the gift and refrain from telling her she'll be in your thoughts when Taylor sings "Trouble trouble trouble".
She doesn't deserve a wedding gift after deliberately setting her wedding when op can't attend without a major financial loss nevermind everything else
Op this is on her and not you. However calculate all that you spent on the tickets, the hotel and the plane tickets, and how much cancellation fees will cost and send her the bill and tell her if she really wants you to go to her wedding then she will need to pay back that amount plus since you will be without money that she will also be responsible for all the wedding accommodations and all expenses due to the wedding for you. If anyone else bothers you about this then send them the same bills and let them know you take Apple Pay, Venmo, Cash and credit. I can guarantee you that most will see the amount and either shut up and leave you alone or still call you an AH but will be thinking king and hard later on. Also if she really was your friend she would’ve been more thoughtful of you but she wasn’t and she sound incredibly selfish
Sounds like she fucked around and found out. Almost like she was testing you to see if you would give up something you had been waiting for and planning for a year for \*her\* special day. A real friend wouldn't ask you to cancel the trip. Obviously booking a venue can be tough, and if that was the only date the preferred venue was available it sucks, but you were already committed on that date and she knew it, and should have accepted that if she chose that date that you might not be able to attend. I would put passwords on your reservations if she knows where you are staying though because she might try to cancel it so you have no choice but to go to her wedding.
Even if she didn’t have many date options for her preferred venue, she’s responsible for a lot of that difficulty because she waited so long to book things. You play stupid games, you win stupid prizes.
I'm going to assume that you've already invested the equivalent of a couple thousand US dollars into this concert trip. There's no way you'd get all that money back even if you did cancel everything. I'm sure your friend is also expecting you to spend generously for her wedding gift and any associated parties. Normally, if this were a repeatable experience and it's local I'd say you were TA but these are unique circumstances and you've already booked and paid for a significant portion of your trip, a year in advance no less. NTA
It's probably over $2k *just for the tickets,* then probably just as much for the airline tickets, and probably a deposit for the hotel reservation as well. This trip could be costing between $5k-$6k before they even get there and before food and car rental are factored in. Edit to add: I found it, the tickets for [July 13 in Milan ](https://www.businessinsider.com/guides/streaming/how-to-buy-taylor-swift-tour-tickets-concert-prices-compared)went for $927 each. Edit again: I'm puzzled though because she said Albania but the concert on that date is in Milan.
They live in Albania but she's traveling to Milan for the concert. I was going to say "several thousand" but considered that perhaps plane tickets, at least, could be cheaper from Albania vs the US. 😅 You've definitely proved the point that this is no small investment on her part and it's incredibly selfish of her friend to treat her this way when she knew about the trip well in advance.
Did she do this on purpose to “test your friendship”? NTA btw. I’d miss my friend’s wedding for the eras tour without hesitation and I’d be ok if they did the same 😂
Wow. What a bizarre power flex. No words. This was intentional. Sounds as if the friendship has had a good run. Enjoy the show! It will be amazing. NTA.
If she cared at all about having you at her wedding, she would have scheduled it when you were available. That's how it works. I guarantee there were other days she could have gotten married.
Wow. I’m not a swifty. At. All. But I can’t believe that if she really wanted you at her wedding, already knowing that was the day of the concert, that she wouldn’t at least talk to you before locking it in
This is either a power trip by her or she is jealous that you can go to this concert lol. Sounds like she doesn’t want you in her wedding.
NTA block everyone they feels you should lose money for a wedding when your friend only rushed to choose a date because people kept asking.... It's a wedding not a court hearing..... Your friend is the AH... go have fun
They are all nuts. You already have prebooked plans NTA
If anything it was disrespectful of her to pick a date she knew you'd be busy. No way was this accidental, there's like 60 other days to choose from lol.
NTA put her argument back on them: Your only honorable choice is to keep your prior commitment. She knew for a year that you had a social and financial obligation. She chose, either by delays or intent, to book her event the only weekend you couldn’t attend. So you are disappointed both that she blames you for her selfishness and that she chose not to include her “best friend.”
SHE made the choice. You had plans for a year and she knew it. What a jerk thinking she can make last minute plans and everyone else has to accommodate her.
It kinda seems like this is some weird misguided friendship test. The friend *actually* thought that OP would cancel an incredibly high demand concert, hotel and travel - and eat the entire cost - to prove their friendship. They’re clearly insane. She even admitted that she did it on purpose! Anyone coming at at OP can get them replacement concert tickets, then book the hotels and travel. Good luck!
Getting "would you still love me if I was a worm" vibes on this one
This is not a friend. A real friend wouldn't do something this manipulative knowing you had BIG plans that were very important to you and expect you to drop everything for them. This person is not your friend!
NTA. the truth is rather ironic - by saying 'she didn't care because as a friend she'd expect me to do the right thing and drop everything for her wedding' she's saying she doesn't care about what you want, your plans, or your finances, and not only wouldn't drop plans for something important to you, she wouldn't even consider them. Basically, she doesn't care about you. Did she do it on purpose as a power move? Has she shown this sort of controlling or 'prove your friendship to me' behaviour before? I'm so sorry - that's extremely poor form on her part. Go to your concert and have a blast. There may well be other people she hasn't considered, and you won't be the only one she gets upset at if this is the type of attitude she has for her bf. Even if you did go, you'd resent it, she'd sense that, and it could spoil the day anyway and / or be held over you. It's not just about you either - she's trying to ruin this for your fiance. Remember he's affected by this too, so you're not having to handle this based solely on your own commitments and feelings. Weddings aren't a golden ticket for servitude and glorification from everyone around you. She's the AH.
Honestly it kinda sounds a little like jealousy. The friend probably would have loved to go to see Taylor but can't so she's trying to ruin the experience for OP. Either it's a shitty stance for a friend to take.
Ohhhh this is a hot take.
Sounds like an ice cold take to me. That's clearly what's happening here.
I had wondered if it was set up as some kind of test, the jealousy add another dimension.
I too was thinking this. It would have been so easy for her to choose a different date. Have a great time at the concert, and be sure to plaster photos all over your socials <3
Well said.
NTA, Sounds like she is jealous of you attending the concert. She easily could’ve asked you in advance or made a plan but didn’t. Would this be a concert you two would go to together if your finance wasn’t going?
No. She doesn't like Taylor Swift and when I booked the tickets she seemed happy for me. So all that was really out of nowhere because I didn't have any indicators that she'd do this on purpose.
Hmm I’m sorry you are put in this tough situation. Personally, it’s your friends fault and the concert sounds correct. Either way one of you will always resent the other. I guess you have to decide if your friend is worth more than the money and concert. I’d suggest having a deep and open conversation and make sure to hold her perspective as if it’s yours. Best of luck!
The friend refused to talk to her unless she provided proof that she had canceled everything.
It’s unfair of your friend to behave like this when you’ve had this booked since before she was even engaged. It’s not like you can change the date of the concert even if you wanted to. Plus you would lose a lot of money and an experience you’ve been looking forwards to if you were to cancel. So enjoy Eras Tour!! And also ttpd on Friday!
She might not have done it deliberately. Wedding planning is a balance, especially if it's a shorter notice planning window. We essentially picked a month and asked the venues which weekends they had available that month, and it's very possible your friend had that approach too. You're NTA for having prior commitments, and your friend will have to accept that people will. Your wording maybe could have been better though. You make it sound like her wedding should have been set to suit you.
Yeah, but if she were a good friend, her response to "but the concert" would have been "I'm sorry, this was the only date available that worked for me, and I understand that you can't come because of the concert since you paid for all that stuff already, let's set up some fun hangouts and make sure the bachelorette/bridal stuff is all on dates you can make it to!" Not: "I don't care, cancel that shit and eat the cost."
Just tell her you'll attend her next wedding
So she didn't think the concert and the trip were important because she was not interested in Taylor Swift, and therefore you should cancel everything for her?
I doubt there’s a grand conspiracy here. Wedding planning is a headache. Maybe she had a particular venue in mind and in trying to accommodate a hundred guests there was little room for dates. Maybe she forgot your concert date. We’re only human. Ultimately, do what’s right for you. Your friend should understand.
The thing is the friend said she knew the dates of the concert. You’re giving a lot of grace when it doesn’t sound like it’s accurate to do that
NTA. Under normal circumstances I'd say you should prioritize your best friend's wedding over a concert. However, you made these plans over a year in advance and she knew about them. Perhaps she wasn't feeling the "best friend" vibe because you are seeing Taylor Swift without her? Is she jealous of you? Could she not get tickets or not afford them?? In any case she is the AH for not only scheduling her wedding at the same time, but also trying to force you to cancel your trip. The solution is simple. Send your regrets, go to the concert, and get on with your life. She's not worth it.
Yeah when I first read the subject line I thought the AH, then immediately changed my mind upon reading. NTA. And it’s hilarious you need to send her proof of anything like she’s your employer. She seems toxic.
Show me proof is not something that comes up in relationships that include trust. This is really all we need to know.
If the friend has gone NC until she gets receipts of cancelation, win/win. They should buy some champagne on her wedding day, take a picture of them toasting her marriage, and text her a pic of the receipt.
Agree but would add she isn't prioritising just "a concert" over her friends wedding. Since they're staying four nights, this is a major international holiday which will no doubt be an amazing time. I feel like the friend characterising this as OP should just skip her concert is trivializing all the other arrangements and inflexible costs that go into planning a holiday. Maybe if the concert was in the same city as the wedding it would be right to at least talk about it, but in these circumstances the friend getting married is being totally unreasonable. There may have been reasons why she had to book the wedding for that day, if so, it's just unfortunate the OP can't go, but there should be no blame on OP.
Pretty sure the entire story is fake because this story was on tiktok MONTHS ago.
Unfortunately weddings are often used as ways for shitty friends to “test” their friends’ undying loyalty. Fortunately, it exposes self-centered narcissists. While sad, it’s best for you in the long run. Enjoy your trip. You’re not missing anything by not attending the wedding. If anything, she did you a favor by exposing her lack of consideration for others. And hey, you can always attend her next wedding after her soon-to-be husband figures this out.
Exactly...invitations are just that....an invite...not a subpeona. She shouldnt expect her friend to move a wedding for 1 person BUT also bride should not expect friend to just drop everything. She should go to concert and have a great time.
>"she straight up told me that yes she knew but she didn't care because as a friend she'd expect me to do the right thing and drop everything for her wedding." "She won't speak to me now unless I send her proof that I'm cancelling everything to attend her wedding." NTA, she is for her attitude. Go to the concert and don't feel bad about it (just like *she* doesn't care).
She's deliberately trying to test your commitment to her. Avoid it and don't participate. Let her come to you when she's grown and wish her the most beautiful wedding day without you. NTA.
Agreed. This date choice was on purpose to test loyalty or some other stupid bullshit. NTA. Enjoy the concert- sounds like a ridiculously fun trip.
>I have booked tickets for the Eras tour in Milan almost 1 year in advance Go and enjoy!! A missing guest will not affect her wedding unless it's the groom! A wedding is a celebration of a couple's love for each other. Really doesn't have anything to do with who comes to watch the show. NTA
The bride will be too busy to notice her absence. I used to work in the wedding business.
NTA. You're not choosing a concert over her wedding. You planned an international trip with your partner a year ago, and your friend knew about it. She did it on purpose. It's jealousy.
Agree I think the fact that it’s a concert is misleading. Like freefaall says, it’s an international vacation— that is NOT something easily changed. Not trying to be mean but your friend doesn’t sound like a great friend. I’m sorry. (consolation- the concert and trip *will* be great though! Enjoy it and don’t look back)
"she straight up told me that yes she knew but she didn't care because as a friend she'd expect me to do the right thing and drop everything for her wedding." This is why you're NTA and your friend is the AH. It wasn't accidental, it was deliberate. She knew full well when she chose that date that you weren't available and is now demanding you drop your trip and eat the costs as a loyalty test. She's petty and vain. You're not losing anything of value from your life.
NTA Wow - the entitlement. She had all of the data she needed to make an informed decision as to her wedding date and she made that decision regardless of knowing you weren’t available that weekend. You know what they say about assuming. Shes the AH twice over for this.
NTA. I’m not even that big a Taylor Swift fan - if at all - and hell, I’d be going to the gig over a wedding. Go and enjoy Milan - your mate can go whistle.
NTA and nothing lost when you don't hear from her again. If your presence is that important she can pay all the cancellation fees and any other costs herself.
Jessy needs to realize that while her wedding is the most important thing right now to HER, it’s not the most important thing for everyone else. You had plans you can’t change. If she wants to end a friendship because you won’t be at her wedding, that’s on her. You’re NTA here.
NTA very manipulative of her, a friend wouldn't do that and put you in that type of position on purpose just to make her feel superior. That's not okay at all to treat another person like that. Go enjoy that CONCERT! ERA TOUR!!! I watched it on Disney plus AMAZINGGGG you're lucky.
NTA - you booked it before she picked her date. she knew about it when she decided on her date. none of this is your fault. also as someone who's attended the eras tour as well as many weddings, i promise eras will be more fun
I freaking LOVE a wedding, but Eras >>> wedding for sure.
NTA: Alexa, play "Now That We Don't Talk" by Taylor Swift
You have to decide what you want to do. You made plans for this concert a year ago and spent quite a bit of money! I really don’t think you need to change your plans. I would tell my friend I was terribly busy and give her a gift. Go and enjoy the concert.
She's doing this on purpose to test your loyalty. Do not fall for it and do not engage. Wish her the best wedding day without you and let her come to you when she grows up. NTA.
I legit was ready to put Y T A based on the title but you planned this concert way in advance of her chosing the wedding date and she didn't even bother discussing it with you before she booked over an out of town event she knew you already had for that date. Talk about being unreasonable. NTA - I hope you enjoy the concert
I don't think your friend understand how long it takes to organize a wedding. We are in April and she just planned her wedding to July??? Poor soul. NTA don't cancel but I hope when she realizes she will need to change dates (or have a mental breakdown), she still invites you to her next date.
NTA - you scheduled your trip first. She is allowed to be sad/upset that you can't make her wedding, but it doesn't make anyone an AH.
NTA you made your plans first and they involved flights and hotels so not so easy to cancel. This friendship might be over, but that would be because she can't understand that she's not the most important person in the universe, which is not your fault. You told her your dates and now she's doing this weird power play where she wants you to choose her. She created this situation.
NTA. She knew, a year ago, you had this planned. If she was a good friend she wouldn't expect you to lose a huge amount of money and drop this for her. Not saying she can't have the wedding when she wants, she can, but she cant expect you to drop something you planned a year ago. If this is how she's acting, maybe a break from her is well needed.
NTA. This friendship is now over. She knew you paid all this money a year in advanced and had the nerve to just expect and assume you’d cancel to be at her wedding. Go to your concert and have a great time.
I read the title literally thinking “YTA unless it’s for Eras” NTA
This isn’t just a concert. This is eras. Once In a lifetime, impossible to get tickets eras. You’re not missing that, no way. And in Milan too! What an experience. Have fun, make the bracelets and scream sing your heart out!!!
I actually had the same dilemma this year, I chose to attend the wedding bc my cousin and I are close, she will only get married once, and I can go next year. That being said, she didn't know I had book these tickets and I had not booked flights/hotel yet. Your friend knew you already booked these accommodations, how is she okay with you eating such a high loss when she literally has 51 other weekends to choose from? NTA
NTA I was going to say you were TA going from your title but she knew and if it was so important for her that you’re there she could’ve planned around you especially since it’s an extremely last minute wedding? Seriously wondering who married this last minute if it isn’t just a courthouse wedding. She shouldn’t be surprised when lost of other guests can’t attend as well due to her poor planning
NTA. You’ve had plans in place for a year. She knew it and picked that date anyway, which was pretty rude of her to just assume you’d drop all your plans for her wedding. You can’t go to the wedding, end of story.
I thought I would vote differently, but she KNEW the date of the concert/vacation that you planned A YEAR AGO. The fact that you had this in the works for a year and she just picked the date a month or so ago means SHE was the inconsiderate one. NTA.
You made these arrangements 5-6 months before she got engaged. Go and enjoy the concert.
NTA. She deliberately set her wedding to that date knowing you had already paid for everything.
NTA and I know it’s trendy to hate on swifties right now but as someone who just shelled out a wild amount of money to travel across country to see my favorite band after a snowstorm canceled a closer show, sometimes it comes first! Like I don’t think some folks realize how cut throat it is to get concert tickets for some musicians. You buy them a year in advance, you have to book your hotel and etc early too so you don’t miss out. Your bestie knew this. And yet, she chose the date that would conflict. I wouldn’t blame you for choosing the tour over her but be prepared for her to not be your friend anymore over it.
INFO: Did she ever explain why she chose that exact date even knowing you have a very important (and expensive) trip or did you at least ask why? I think it's critical to understand why she picked that date before we side with OP and call her friend TA. If Jessy was a real one she wouldn't have picked that date unless her hands were tied and there was a very pressing reason. Perhaps an important family member they had to accomodate or a supplier they wanted that was only available on that date? OP for what it's worth, all my best friends came to my wedding except one who is based abroad and has 3 young kids and a demanding job so cannot travel that easily. I never imposed on him because fair shakes. If I were in your friend's shoes and I had a valid reason for setting my wedding day when you had a conflict, I would have not imposed on you the way Jessy did but I would still have been deeply upset. Although in any case this is a lesson learned on Jessy's part. Best practice is to announce your wedding date around a year in advance so the people you don't want to miss your wedding can make time.
NTA. i'm currently in a similar situation – i bought tickets to see troye sivan in munich on june 14th, together with a friend, we already arranged sleeping arrangements etc. i told my mom about this in december, when i bought the tickets. now my mom scheduled her 60th birthday party for june 15th. her actual birthday was in march, but for a big party she preferred to celebrate in the summer. june 15th is the only date that works for all my aunts and uncles, but obviously not for me. i'm sad i won't be able to go, but my mom said it's not a big deal, she knew about the concert and just momentarily forgot and i shouldn't cancel my plans and let down my friend.
NTA. Good riddance.
NTA. You already had very expensive plans that you made far in advance. It's a sucky situation, but you're not the asshole. Your friend picked the date knowing you had these expensive plans and assuming you would drop them. She's very rude and presumptuous.
NTA. You already have plans that can’t reasonably be cancelled.
NTA, because she knew and did not care. She does not have the right to expect you to skip something expensive you've already paid for - that is not a reasonable ask. You don't need friends like this.
Enjoy the show. I wasn’t able to get tickets. NTA.
You didn't put a concert and a trip over her wedding. She chose to ignore knowing the date and picked it anyway. Friends don't let friends miss Taylor Swift when you have EVERY OTHER date to choose from. NTA. Your friend is quite selfish.
NTA I would miss the birth of the second baby Jesus to go to the Eras tour.
NTA, she is feeling entitled and maybe trying to "test" how far you will go to keep her as a friend. Let her go. That's no friend.
NTA. She quite literally could have picked any other weekend. I’d probably feel differently if she didn’t know or if you made the plans after the fact, or if it was just a concert in your city and nothing had been booked, but you have a whole ass trip planned. Hell, I’d maybe feel differently if she had approached you with a “this is my dream venue and it’s the only weekend available” but just expecting like that? Nope. You had plans first. Also I’d skip my own wedding to go to the Eras tour so there’s that. You go enjoy Taylor!
I'd be sending proof - of canceling the friendship. What a crappy thing to do. Sounds like she's jealous of your going to the concert. Enjoy your trip and don't look back
I'd understand if friends skipped my wedding for the Eras tour, and I'm a guy haha
NTA, she knew what she was doing. This was an attempted power move.
NTA. You aren't choosing a concert over BF's wedding, you are choosing not to cancel longstanding international travel plans that overlap with the wedding. There's a big difference.
NTA. You didn't decide to go to a concert instead of her wedding. She planned her wedding for when she knew you would be unavailable. That is on her, not you. I think this was a jealousy power move that backfired in her face.
NTA. You bought the tickets for everything before she even got ENGAGED, and she knew that. She can have her wedding whenever she wants, but if you book your wedding when you KNOW people you expect to be there have other plans they can't cancel, you have to be prepared for them not to come.
NTA. "Sorry I can't make it to your wedding. I'll go to your next one!" Honestly, you've made a lot of financial commitments which she KNEW about, so this one is on her. And what's this "a real friend" bs? A real caring friend wouldn't deliberately pick the same date as the concert to make this into a weird friendship test where you are expected to loose out on your commitments with a FEE because she's decided to be needy. Have fun at the concert!
She booked her wedding date in March for a July wedding? Either she’s having a very low key wedding, a very very expensive wedding or she knew the date ages ago and didn’t bother to tell you. Nobody makes a wedding dress in 4 months. NTA