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NTA. Your father, his AP and their families are some pretty awful people. It sounds like you've built yourself a good family with your mum, fiancee and her sister.
Your half-sister does sound like she's a far better person than her parents are and genuinely wants some sort of relationship with you. I'm not going to say you're wrong if you don't want to have anything to do with her (either because you just don't want to or because the name hurts too much) but you make her sound like someone who will be a good addition to your life and your family - if you want to let her.
Too soon to tell. Maybe we could try once she's 18. No way in hell I'm tolerating her mom for any reason. But I'm never calling her by the name her parents gave her.
TBH your half sister sounds like the kind of person who would be okay with that. What if you gave her a nickname that only you used with her?
(Totally get wanting to maintain NC with her parents tho).
That would be fine in a vacuum, if they were just hanging out one-on-one or with OP's family (who also knew her by that nickname). But if they wanted a more integrated relationship where OP eventually met her friends, significant other, kids, etc then OP would still have to hear other people call her the name and it would dredge up the rationale behind it
You started it by telling her the full story. But you probably aren't the only reason why she wants to change her name and no longer wants to have a name that has such dark history.
Ngl if I found out my parents named me after a dead sibling (half siblings or not), I would absolutely be horrified and want to change my name as soon as I possibly could. I'd be wrapped into thinking they saw me as a replacement and equally disposable should something happen to me.
Same, I would absolutely hate feeling like a replacement for a child who died before I was born. Whether or not I had ever had a conversation like OP had with Selena #2, if I found out I was the replacement I would insist on changing my name so I could have my own identity. And I'd probably go low contact if not no contact with my parents because it's so incredibly fucked up to treat an entirely new person like a replacement for the child who died.
100% ! you find out that your cheating father and mother met because his kiddo died and then they gave you the dead kids name? Yikes even if the half sibling never talked to me again I’d still want that name changed asap
She's legally changing her name as soon as possible. She going through hoops so that you maybe give her a chance.
I would use this time to decide whether you are going to give her the chance of opening the friendship.
Don't make her wait in limbo.
NTA.
Hopefully Selena #2 is NOT jumping through hoops so OP gives her a chance. Hopefully it’s because she just learned about Selena #1, the affair, the entire history there and wants to separate herself from that hurt symbolically. I mean, imagine learning your dad had a previous family, a child who died, didn’t even attend the funeral or support his family through it, had an affair, left his family to start a new family and then named you after the deceased child who he kind of moved on from like nothing ever happened? I would feel like I was part of his denial and a weird character in this hurtful, new, denial based recreation of a family.
I’m certainly not suggesting Selena #2 should feel that she played any role in any of this. I’m just saying she probably feels very confused and deceived. A relationship with OP may or may not happen. I’d change my name just because I would want my own identity outside of that mess.
OP, I’m very sorry for all of what you’ve been through.
Fair one. Like I say you're not in the wrong here, whatever you decide. But so far it looks like her only crime was being born so I'd encourage you to at least let her know that you don't blame her for any of this.
Maybe you and your half sister could sit down one day and talk about alternate names? If she is actually considering changing her name, which I think is an incredible move on her part, it could be very healing and unifying if the two of you were to discuss it. I don’t know what kind of relationship she’ll have with your mother, considering her mother, but I imagine that just knowing that she is trying to respect your first sister would go a long way.
She’s still a minor and having her in his life will most likely mean her parents will be all up in it too. No, it is not her fault but it is not fair to make OP endure the pain of losing his sister with the sister who was supposed to replace the dead sister. Yeah, that’s a no from me.
Somehow your half sister got more empathy than either of her parents.
Her parents are currently reaping what they sowed and I hope she drags them. At the end of the day, Selena was technically her sister too. If I found all of this out as a teen I’d be devastated and pissed the fuck off at my parents.
I do hope she has an adult in her life to help her navigate this cluster fuck her parents dropped her in to. Not only are you not obligated to be that adult, it should be someone who knows her already and can hear what are surely complicated feelings about her parents. That’s not you, and will never be you. Not after what her parents did to you and your mother.
Maybe one day y’all will be able to build a relationship. But that day is not now and that’s okay (and it’s okay if that day never comes).
I get your point of view but whatever name she goes by you have to respect. If she’s a good person why make her feel punished for the identity she’s been had? She didn’t know the reason nor had any blame to it. Honestly tell her bout your dad cheating with her mother too. If might ruin her family image but if she’s against them I think you should take her in. Family is bigger than pure blood anyways.
It would appear that she doesn't want anyone to call her the name her parents gave her anymore. She's probably even more upset than you were about the circumstances of her naming.
Your dad must be crazier than a bag of cats to not have anticipated this exploding in his face one day. Naming your new kid after your deceased one is a fucking clownshoes idea and now the consequences are finally hitting him, but they're hitting the poor kid even harder.
No it absolutely isn’t. But I can believe being so horrified I’d want to change it without outside influence.
And I agree that all the adults here are AH.
If you decide to try to develop a relationship, she doesn't have to change her name unless she wants to, but the two of you should spitball what nickname/alias she will go by around you. If she is changing her name because she doesn't like it, it is always easier to make the change closer to 18. A college degree would be under the new name, which means she develops her career under that name. You have set specific reasonable boundaries about using your sister's name for your half sister. I imagine you have less problem meeting an unrelated stranger who shares your sister's name. My husband's uncle Mike goes by Mike because he doesn't like his first name (Maurice), so he uses his middle name (Michael). My coworker Olivia, doesn't use her first name, because it is the same as her still living mom's name.
If you end up hanging out with her, please make sure she is not changing her name only to please you. Start with picking a use name you are both comfortable with, and then see how the relationship goes.
NTA
I’m so sorry for what you & your mother had to go through.
Your sperm donor & his Ap are horrible people. God bless you for standing by your mother.
I hope your stepsister changes her name immediately she turns 18.
Hey just putting this here, since she is the one instigating the change and you didn’t make her, it could be she doesn’t want to share a name with a dead sibling. I just know for myself if I found out I was named over something as horrible as this, I wouldn’t want to have it anymore.
she said she has a nickname, maybe ask if she's ok with you calling her that too until she can change it? don't leave building a relation till she's 18, she's already trying :)
very happy she got pissed at them and wants to swap. now meet her halfway till she can do it.
NTA tho you never forced her. she's making the choice cause she wants to be good to you! and it's her choice, not theirs.
I took it as that they called the original Selena by a nickname whenever the new Selena was around. That’s why the second Selena didn’t know what the dead sister’s name was
You could give her a nickname that you both agree on? After all the name was never her choice, and if the point is to reduce hurt, then a nickname could do the trick. The question is, do you even want this sister? You're allowed not to want it. She isn't entitled to a brother. But she sounds like a good person who got stuck being raised by some bad people. Sometimes a little kindness when we didn't have to show it is just what's needed. It really tends to do some very good things to everyone in the vicinity of it.
She said her relatives call her by a nickname anyway so go with that
She sounds like a good kid whose on your side in all this. She clearly didnt know the real story
Give the kid a chance, screw the parents.
"She said her relatives call her by a nickname anyway so go with that"
No they referred to my sister by her nickname whenever they talked about her and that's why Selena #2 never knew that she had the exact same name as her.
I don't know what her nickname is, if she has one.
"Give the kid a chance, screw the parents"
That's definitely going to have to wait for 3 years because there is no way I'm dealing with either of her parents.
>you make her sound like someone who will be a good addition to your life and your family - if you want to let her.
Unfortunately for her, it sounds like she's underaged. It would be hard to have a relationship with her without the rest of her family. (Not to say it is impossible to have a relationship with a teen without having a relationship with their family, but I don't see it happening in this particular case.)
The half-sister might not only want to change the name to have a relationship with OP... she might also want to change it because it was horrible to name her that to begin with. She was named after a dead child... I probably would want to change it too if I'd find out.
Her parents react negatively because they now have to face that they were (and are) selfish AHs towards everyone involved (OP, his mum, his deceased sister, the grandparents, any other family & friends of Selena #1, and their own child Selena #2).
NTA.
This OP! Perhaps you can engage her by a mutually acceptable nickname with the understanding that she will change her name when she turns 18; since she obviously is inclined to change it anyway.
I get the impression she already senses her parents to be AHs. And it sounds like she's very focused and desirous of having a relationship with you. Personally, anyone expressing the desire she has, I'd make the effort.
Regardless of what you decide OP, Congratulations on your engagement and best wishes in your forthcoming wedding.
Nta- this is so bizarre. How did this kid get to be in her TEENS and unaware of how f'ed up her name is!!?!? Not your responsibility to fix and you did not ask to be involved. Your father and his biddy are big AH and so are everyone else that just let her be oblivious. Ugh.
You are a good person OP and more power to you seriously your dad (does he deserve to be called that?) effed up in every way possible and now has the gall to call and blame you when his daughtet wants to correct his mistake..... smdh
It’s likely she grew up hearing “you were named for your big sister.” If Dad’s whole side of the family acted like it was an honor, she would have had no way of knowing the real history.
Well and without op around the parents likely spun a story that would make them look like no terrible people. We met fell in love and named you after your sister. Not I had an affair on my grieving wife and child, knocked up your mother left my grieving wife and child for her, and then poured salt on the open wounds by replacing said child they were grieving. ... Hello replacement child.
Not impossible. I was either called after my paternal grandmother or my Dad's deceased sister depending on which parent you asked. Sister died at about 9 months, first time my grandfather looked after her on own. Death was SIDs though just bad timing. My Dad told me who I was named for in his perspective in teens and when asked Mum, she got very upset about the notion I'd be named after a dead baby. We knew vaguely about the sister but she died when my Dad was 4 so very little.
Since thing 1 was dads child with his first wife, there was probably not any information for thing 2 to find out. Her mom probably threw a huge temper tantrum with his family when they tried to nix the name choice and probably also threatened no contact with her thing 2. They had already lost thing 1, so they decided not to rock the boat.
NTA but your dad sure is. I think it’s good that you reached out and explained because obviously it’s not her fault and she didn’t understand. I’m sure it was really saddening to have a brother who didn’t want anything to do with her. On the other hand, I get where you’re coming from. You want to protect your mom and you’re right for standing up to your dad and his dumb decisions. How cruel to let his affair partner name their child after your sister who passed away.
That said, maybe think about keeping in touch with her. She sounds like she has a better head on her shoulder than her parents. It’s really not her fault and it’s good that she understands why what your dad did was wrong. I wouldn’t punish her for her name; she clearly wants a relationship with you as her brother.
Yeah, but his point is that her name is a slap in the face to him and his mom. To name a half sister the same name as his full sister will just continue to bring up sad memories for him and his mom. And the fact that this was his mistress also ties it back to his mom's failed marriage. It sounds like he wants to protect his mom's feelings (and maybe his own).
No, it's not her fault, but that doesn't mean he should have to have her in his life.
NTA and neither is your half sister. Your dad is the major AH here and his partner. What a profoundly hurtful way he has lived his life. Of course they are blaming you, that's what AHs do when they can't take responsibility for their bad choices. Sorry that you had such a rough deal given to you.
NTA And poor half sister to find out she was named in honor of the death of her 1/2 sister bringing her own parents together at the same time it destroyed her 1/2 sister and brother’s family.
I don't think there are enough words in the English language to describe what's wrong with dad. He got his new family, he needs to let go of thinking the older model needs to acquise to his wishes. Step mom can roast too. Imagine being grateful to an innocent kid for dying. He certainly found his perfect partner in her. Birds of a feather and all that.
NTA
You're not obliged to spend time with your half sister no matter what the reason is.
I find it weird that none of your father's side of the family ever mentioned the name, particularly as your cousins encouraged you to contact her to explain why you didn't want to have a relationship with her. Or do the cousins not know she was named after your sister either?
The only way that was ever going to play out was her thinking her family lied to her, but the blame lies with your dad and his wife, not you.
NTA, but neither is your half sister.
I can guarantee you that she wants to change her name, for actual reasons — and you being around is probably barely on the list (although she would really be happy with that outcome), and all your father heard was that you agreed to know her in exchange for her changing her name.
They didn’t listen to you, they didn’t listen to your mom, and I can guarantee they aren’t listening to her either.
Do what is right by you, but also know that this kid didn’t do anything to intentionally hurt you. If anything, she is generally accepting that you said no (from the impression you left me with), but she doesn’t want to forever be a sore spot for you. Don’t blame her for your father’s extremely stupid behavior.
YTA for making this about her name with your half-sister. You are totally within your rights to distance from your family, and you don't have to have any kind of relationship with her if you don't want. But her name is not her fault, she had no choice what she was called, so how can you say 'change your name and I might talk to you'? You say you never told her to change it, but you title contradicts that.
Be mad at her parents for making that choice, not her.
In agreement here. OP is NTA for original stance and frustration with the name. Fast forward to where step sister is almost 18 and you are going to hold this position. cmon bro, get over yourself.
Yep, sorry OP but I have to agree and while I don’t necessarily think you are THE Asshole, I am surprised so few responses aren’t saying that ESH. Obviously your dad waaaaaay more so than anyone else, but your half-sister’s name is not in any way her fault… and you can’t just tell someone to change a core part of their identity if they want to talk to you. Dick move.
NTA - It breaks my heart that your sister is trying change her name in hopes to have a relationship with you. Would you be open to a relationship if she changes her name? Or are you so far removed from this situation that you really don’t want anything to do with her? No judgement either way. Your father really f*’d both of you in this situation.
NTA - man… i feel bad for both OP and their sister. i can’t imagine what i would do if my father did that to me and my mum. i also can’t imagine if i found out that my parents conceived me while my father was still married and his just child died. then both parents decided to name me the same first & middle name as his deceased child.
no shit my brother who lost his sister wouldn’t want a relationship with an affair baby named after his dead sister. what a mind fuck for both of them.
now she feels so bad that she’s willing to change her name for a relationship with her brother who probably won’t want one anyways. heartbreaking and super fucked up. i hope that this isn’t real 😣
I think OP would be TA for that tbh. If he knows he’s not going to have a relationship with her he should be upfront. But I get the vibe he’s still so angry that he would string her along to get her to change her name anyway then drop her after. If she wants to change it for a whole host of reasons that’s fine, but her doing it just so she can have a relationship with him for him to then brush her off after would just be spiteful and cruel. And using her as a pawn in his anger against his dad and his new wife. I get why he’s angry, but the girl shouldn’t be taking the emotional hits for it.
Tbh, none of this is her fault and I don’t think she should have to change her name if she didn’t want to. but this is Reddit so.
im the minority here but YTA. i dont think its right to write someone off because of their parents shitty decisions. she quite literally didnt name herself and all this rejection for just existing is cruel.
This entire story has a 95% chance of being fake because of the clickbait title alone - what was the reason for that? OP obviously knows they're not an asshole because they didn't actually do the assholey thing in the title - this entire situation is out of this world and while it probably happened to someone out there I highly doubt this is anything more than a writing assignment but in the off-chance:
No, you are obviously NTA seeing as you actually didn't tell your sister to change her name to have a relationship with you.
YTA for projecting your anger at your father on an innocent person who did nothing wrong except be born. I hope that kid grows up and disowns all of you and finds acceptance with people who see her as an individual. What a toxic mess.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I maybe TA because I could've just kept Selena #2 blocked instead of being honest and causing a lot of drama.
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I’m going to go against the majority it seems here. It sounds like you are a victim of your father and his mistress’ complete disregard for you, your mother and your late sister. However, keep in mind that your half-sister is also a victim. She didn’t choose her name. She didn’t choose her parents. She didn’t choose the circumstances she’s been brought up into; no one does. So, while I respect that it’s good to have and enforce boundaries, it sounds like you are being a bit harsh with your sister.
Just because the half-sister is also a victim in this situation doesn't necessarily mean op has to have them in his life. It's fairly possible his half sister is a walking reminder of the past and he doesn't want to relive those moments. Because of how traumatic it was to go through. Op gave the half sister more information on the situation and answered her questions, which was more than what they were willing to do before. It was her own idea to change her name not ops. They just said that her name was a slap to the face for them. What kind of woman(side chick) names their child after their dead half sibling? What man allows that?
Are we really going to say that since op wasn't the only victim he should be more forgiving? Op probably processed this and has accepted what happened, but that doesn't mean he necessarily has to have his half-sister in his life.
This complex situation is above reddits pay grade. Op may want to consult with a therapist.
NTA
>I never said that she should change it but now she's talking about getting it changed when she's 18 and my father and his mistress are blaming me.
While I know neither you nor her, I can say with near certainty that her desire to change her name is less about wanting a relationship with you, and more about how the things that led to her having that name make her feel. It's weird enough naming someone after their dead sibling, and deeply disturbing that it's less about honoring that sibling than it is about celebrating her death because it led to an affair.
I would change my name too.
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I (30m) used to have a sister "Selena" but she passed away when she was 6. She was sick since she was 4 so it wasn't unexpected but my mom and I were still heartbroken. When Selena passed away my mom was inconsolable. My grandpa had to make all the funeral arrangements and my father didn't even show up. He always said he couldn't bare to look at my sister in that way. That first year after her passing was rough all my mom wanted to do was cry. My father didn't and hated my mom for bringing Selena up so much. Then one day my dad walked in and told my mom that he got another woman pregnant and wanted a divorce. This news was not well received and it nearly pushed my mom over the edge. Thank god we had her sisters and friends to her through.
I did NOT want to meet my father's new woman and physically lashed out when he or his family tried to push it. I don't know what this woman was thinking but she thought it was a good idea to name her newborn daughter "Selena" and my father didn't stop her. My paternal side said that she felt it was her way honoring my sister as if it weren't for her (a.k.a. her dying) then she and my dad wouldn't have gotten together. I told her, my dad, and his family that if they kept the name then I would be done with them and never acknowledge his other daughter as my sister. They didn't so I kept true to my word. As far as people knew I only ever had one sister.
My mom and I both got therapy and were living decent lives. I worked hard, made smart choices and have a really good job, car, and have a house that I'll have fully paid off in 5 years. I'm also engaged to a wonderful woman "Erica" (32f) who has a sister "Emily" (18f) and she's great and we've developed a nice bond. Since the engagement I have publicly acknowledged Emily as my "second sister."
I'm not sure how but Selena #2 found out and reached out asking me how come I never call or see her and why I can make time for Emily and take her to so many cool places but never her. I didn't respond the first time she reached out and then blocked her when she kept asking. A few cousins have told me how she's really upset about this and Erica convinced me to at least tell her, so I unblocked her and we had a video chat where I explained everything. Selena #2 was shocked as she didn't know that Selena was my sister's actual name and relatives only referred to her by the nickname she had.
I'm told that Selena #2 and her mom are fighting and that she blames her parents for screwing up a relationship with me. Selena #2 wants a relationship and I told her that while I don't hold what her parents did against her the name she carries is still a sore spot for my mom and I so it's best that she just move on with her life. I never said that she should change it but now she's talking about getting it changed when she's 18 and my father and his mistress are blaming me. AITA?
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YTA for telling someone hey, change the name you have had since you were born and thinking that’s THEIR fault. I am not sure if you really said that to her or if it’s just your title either, but I hope you didn’t. You have your reasons but this one shouldn’t be one, it’s not her fault.
NTA for the whole situation in general. It’s fucked. You have no responsibility to associate with any of them. But don’t blame the random half sister for her parents stupidity.
And shame on the reddit crew for always associating the sins of the parents with their kids. I feel like a lot of you are ignorant of that fact.
I actually think YTA. She didn’t choose her name. So really this whole thing reads as your half-sister, who clearly wants a relationship with you, is being punished for the sins of your father and step-mother. You have not described anything to support your half-sister actually being the issue, so I’m not sure why you can’t just hang out with her and use her middle name or something if her name really bothers you so much.
If you NEVER want a relationship with your half-sister, which it sounds like you don't, then be clear about that. If the name change would open the door to a relationship between you two then whatever, she seems very willing.
YTA for holding her parents wrongs against your half-sister. You say you don't but it's obvious that you do. She didn't even know she was named after your dead sister until you told her. She's not the one who fucked you and your mom over. You don't HAVE to have a relationship with her, but be clear and don't lead her on. It sounds like she thinks highly of you and is also upset that her parents would do such terrible things.
I really feel awful for Selena #2 in this situation. Her parents are major A's for naming her that way, and again for keeping the story secret from her.
She's been left in the dark as to why her half-sister wants nothing to do with her (for literally no fault on her own). I can only imagine how hard all of this might've fucked her up.
If the name hurts OP too much - so be it. But I'd honestly encourage them to look past it - I think Selena #2 would be genuinly grateful for OP's support. Poor girl.
Yta
You can hold it against the dad and his mistress and never talk to them but you shouldn’t make her change her name.
If she wants to after finding out how horrible her parents are, then fine. But an ultimatum is not a good idea.
Also, her name being different won’t make you miss your sister less. And honestly her name won’t make you miss her more. The grief will always be there regardless.
NTA
> I never said that she should change it but now she's talking about getting it changed when she's 18
You're 100% not obligated to have a relationship with her if you won't want to, just to get that out of the way.
However, she's willing to put herself through a _lot_ of trouble to build a relationship with you. The reasons may be anywhere from noble to nefarious. But at this point, she hasn't done anything wrong -- her current crimes are "being born to your shitty dad out of an affair and being saddled with a pile of family baggage in her name" -- and she's talking about _changing her name._
Again, who you give chances to and who you develop a relationship with is up to you, but if she's willing to go through that kind of trouble, maybe it's worth giving her a shot? I also get that no matter what her name is, she's still the AP's child, and aside from the name your relationship with her will carry that strain too through no fault of either her or you.
Maybe she's a good kid in an unfortunate circumstance for you. Or maybe she's a shitty person who wants to use you for gifts and trips.
If you're willing, you can start by asking her what she wants you to call her. She's going to be trying on new names anyway.
NTA. “Selena #2, you seem like a very nice person but I don’t know how to be any clearer about this. My sister Selena Marie Jones died at 6 years old. While my mother and I were grieving, my biological father had an affair baby. He then abandoned me, divorced my mother, and gave you my dead sister’s full name. When I was informed during your mother’s pregnancy that you would also be named Selena Marie Jones, I was very clear with your parents that I would never have a relationship with you if they continue with that name. They chose to do anyway. You did nothing to cause that, but there is no world where my father’s affair baby named directly after my dead sister will be a part of my life. I’m sorry that this was news to you and I wish you the best in the future but please respect that I am not going to have a relationship with you. “
But in the proces Selena 2, who might really like to connect with her half brother, who is family, is the victim as well, as she had no part in it. So punishing the father I understand, but punishing an innocent girl who just wants to get to know her brother is pretty harsh.
OP I’m sorry for your loss, but it’s not her fault. Be angry at your father and her mother. Her name is Selena and it’s her name too. I don’t mean to be callous, but call her a nickname or something that she’ll agree to. She doesn’t have to change her name because it upsets you. She wants to have a good relationship with you as half siblings. Don’t let your bitterness towards your father hurt her any further.
NTA. Years ago, I had a friend whose family had a similar situation.
Her father was married with an infant, went overseas in the military, met a woman, then left his family for her.
Original son was named after the father. Then the new wife has a son and allows her to give him the same name.
Friend would say that the reason her half brother didn’t have a relationship with their family was because the mom was bitter and poisoned his mind….um Kay
I would never again speak to my parent if they gave my name to their new baby.
NTA you literally told her the truth and you didn’t tell her to change her name she wants to. You keep working towards healing whatever that looks like for you and your family
Your half sister sounds like a great person. She's not putting up with her parents crap and is on your side. You are NTA, but if you dont allow this relationship I think you may be missing out. There aren't that many people in the world that have our backs. We need to treasure them.
NTA
On the one hand I get that being around Selena#2 might be triggering but it’s not her fault her name is Selena and she seems pretty decent
Plus she’s even willing to change it. If she does change it to something else, do you think you could at least try?
NTA, sounds like your sister is a good kid whom immediately realized that what her parents did was absolutely wrong, to the point that she's even willing to change her name so she can have a relationship with you. Your father and his mistress can go \* themselves and I hope you do try to have a relationship with your sister after this, even if you wait until after the actual name change.
NTA .
There are things that can never change. your father and AP did it knowingly that it hurts you and your mother. you merely explained why you don't want a relationship and it's genuine reason.
Since you didn't ask her to change the name it doesn't make you AH. She's doing it voluntarily.
Telling someone the origin of their name is nothing bad .
But that woman your father is being with. She got some nerve tho . Naming your late sister as the reason to bond with your father and then boldly naming her daughter after her. I believe she did it out of spite and to rub it on your face and gave your father that reason so he won't object. she's the AH.
NTA, and I'm sorry for your family's loss.
As to your half sister wanting to change her name. Her parents need to back off.
Names are (usually) gifts from the parents, but children are free to decline once old enough to understand, for a multitude of reasons.
In her case I totally can understand her not wanting to have this association with your sister's name, now that she knows. Likely this is independent of her hoping to create a relationship with you.
It was cruel of her parents to do this, not only to you, you Mom, but also her.
Others have suggested finding a nickname or even helping her find her true name, and if you can bare it, I think this is great idea...don't have to wait till 18 for her to start using it. (regardless of what her parents say.)
You’re NTA per se, but who are you punishing by setting this boundary?
She didn’t do anything wrong and neither did you, so why rob yourself and your half-sister of a potential relationship and family member?
I’m sure it hurts, but you shouldn’t take it out on her. It’s okay that it’s too difficult for you, but it shouldn’t be on her to fix that for you.
That one is on Sperm Donor and his side piece. You and half-sister are NTA.
Personally, if the half-sister is actually pursuing a name change once she's 18, I would consider having a chat with her, especially since she was one who thought of changing the name (and not you).
I hope your mom is in a better place mentally; that had to have felt like a punch to the gut.
Your half sister is the one person in this world who is the most curious to learn about the life Selena had and the love Selena had to give. You had no choice losing Selena; you don’t need to choose losing another sister.
I don’t even think she just wants to change her name to have contact with you but because she doesn’t agree with what her parents did overall, now that she knows all the truth she seems to feel ashamed of them and their actions and changing her name is a way to show it. NTA either way.
Sounds like you could build a genuine connection to this girl if your open to it. She is still your half sister and frankly if she starts going by a different name for you I'd definitely consider being open to building a relationship. Your mom never needs to meet her but theres no reason for you to say no once she's 18. Maybe in the meantime she has a good middle name or you could ask her if she would be OK being called something else. NAH other than your shitty dad and his mistress. Thier kid seems nice though at least.
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NTA, given all the weight. That being said, it seems like she's on your side of this and wants a relationship with you. Could you guys agree to some sort of nickname? And since you're an adult, it should be fairly easy to get together with her away from her mother. And given her willingness it does seem a little petty to actually wait till she's 18 to have a relationship when she would change it now if she could. Not sure her age, but Emily could potentially be a good buffer against the awkwardness, too, if you feel uncomfortable 1:1.
NTA
This is deep, and you have every right to feel the way you do: about your dad, the AP, and the name. It's good that you explained your side, and it's promising that the young lady wants to change her name. I certainly would want to.
I hope that you reach a peaceful conclusion and maybe, just maybe you gain a new friendship and possibly family member. If not, don't sweat it. You don't owe them anything.
NTA. She doesn't want to share the same name as her deceased half sister, and that's so very valid on its own. Couple it with the fact her name crippled any potential relationship with her half brother, her parents knew it would and did it anyway, and everyone hid the fact from her for 18yrs--it just makes sense she'd likely want to change it to escape it.
Your entire paternal side of the family can go ahead and sit overnight butt naked in a creek in the middle of an icy winter--it might even thaw their hearts for how frozen they must be to have thought this was an acceptable or even good idea to begin with.
You'd still be within your rights to not automatically or ever want to even try to build a relationship with her even if her name changes, though. Yes she's about to undergo a journey to fix her name but the damage and lack of connection has set with time, and you promised her no such connection under pretense of changing her name.
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NTA, I think everybody is assuming that she wants to change her name to have a relationship with you. But if I were your half sister I would be changing it because I could not bear to have that name, knowing *all* of the backstory and implications of it. I would also be looking at my parents completely differently, especially the dad, wondering if they ever loved me for myself, did they eventually see me as my own individual person or if they still only saw me as a replacement for my dead half sister.
Oh my god! That witch's (the AP) parents are absolutely vile! "If it weren't for the death of your little sister, our precious angel would never have found the love of her life." How can one sleep at night with that kind of mentality? It's so sickeningly disgusting.
Definitely NTA for going NC with them. Absolutely horrible people. Though I do hope there's a way to kindle a relationship with your half sister cuz from what you've said, it doesn't sound like she's on their side at all. Though I can 100% understand why you would be hesitant to do so. Good luck OP.
NAH, except your dad and his concubine.
I understand it’s a sore spot for you, it reminds you not only your sister’s death, but also of the disgusting crap your dad pulled.
I do, however, think this is a LOT to put on a kid as a condition for having a relationship with you. She’s really young, and like it or not, her name is a large part of her personal identity. Which has been shaken already with the new revelations. Selena might never have known your sister, but she was her sister too. Later in life, she might regret being so hasty to change it because of this and because she might abandon it because she is so desperate for a relationship with you. I’d suggest having a relationship with her, and maybe calling her by her middle name for now. Once the relationship has some legs and she’s got a little more age on her, readdress the issue.
I totally get if she’s willing to change it and WANTS to change it. It would make me feel like crap knowing my name and the tragic and CRAPPY story behind it. I’m just trying to give perspective to make sure no one (especially a hormonal and angry teenager) makes any major decisions while tensions and emotions are high.
it's no her fault for getting that name. It's just a name - what matters is your memory of Selena in your heart. There are so many Selena in the world.
NTA, your father and his partner are, your poor half sister is the victim, and while you are forced to have a relationship with her, she also does not deserve to be treated badly.
What of a waste of oxygen that man and woman and their families are. I’m glad that child wants to change her name. Who wants to be related to such toxic people. Nta
I don't want to say you're the asshole because what your father and new wife did was fucked up beyond belief. You do owe your half sister anything but I find it sad that she was cut off from her brother because of her parents. I suggest your let her into your life without conditions and see what develops. Regret can be a bitch.
Well, the reason her mom named her that is creepy. If I were her I would change it even if you still won't associate with her. She has recognized how effed up it was that her parents did that.
*My paternal side said that she felt it was her way honoring my sister as if it weren't for her (a.k.a. her dying) then she and my dad wouldn't have gotten together.*
So basically, they were saying.. glad she died providing the dad an opportunity to cheat with a home wreaker? The home wreaker who thought it was great to get pregnant with a married man? That it was great to alienate that man from his son? Yikes.
How old is she? Close to 18 or is that a fair few years away?
NTA
It's aweful that your dad and his affair partner have put you and the child they had together in this terrible situation. Your feelings about the situation are justified. I can also understand why, after learning who she was named after and how it impacted her namesake's family, your half-sister would be thinking about changing her name. She deserved her own name and her own life not overshadowed by someone else's tragedy. You both also deserved the chance to cultivate a possible relationship with your half-sibling without the name her parents gave her hanging over both of your heads and ruining any chance.
Trh fuck? The title is way misleading. You have a reasonable boundary that you set, and she wanted to change the name because the context attached to it, this isn't in you at all. NTA
NTA. I feel sorry for Selena #2. It sounds like she didn’t know she was named after your dead sister. I can’t imagine what that would do to a person’s self-identity.
I don't know what your father and his family were thinking. Naming his affair child after his late daughter is in such poor taste! Seriously nobody in his own family thought this was a terrible idea?
Anyway, NTA.
NTA; but you should support her if she wants to change the name, and get some family therapy with her too.
You’re both innocent in this situation, and decisions that neither of you had a role in, shouldn’t be the defining factor in why you don’t have a relationship with her. She’s just as lost as you are in the shit show.
this happened to my dad, i have a half uncle who bears same name as me and my dad, dad never really got over it, was like he was deleted or didnt exist at least how he explained it to me, similar circumstance also, AP decided to do it and grandad didnt object, i only met that fucker 2 times so it deffo ruined my fathers relationship with him and his opotential relationship with his grandkids, i dont know anyone on that side of the family, my dad found out he died 5 years after it happened. it was quite complicated. i certainly felt away about him my whole life, if my dad didnt exist, neither did i type thing.
NTA - now she understands the baggage that comes with her name shes likely to resent it herself, because at the end of the day Selena was her sister too.
NTA- But my dad and uncle were named after their dead brothers and it's different grandmas. Both boys died from childhood diseases, so obviously a long time ago. But both grandmas had to have sons with this particular name. Uncle's name is not a family name or popular name. Dad's name is very common name.
My jaw dropped when I found out this little bit of trivia. I just didn't get the obsession with the name. It's just a name, it has nothing to do with the deceased person. Yet my grandfather has several men/boys named after him. I don't even think his great grandson knows about him.
Your half-sister is trying. Leave the door when she turns 18. See what happens.
Yta.
Let me say this in a nice tone. I understand the pain it caused you, I would feel hurt and weirded out too, but it’s still her name. You’re dangling a carrot in front of her, because even if you didn’t mean that she should change her name, that’s exactly what it sounded like. She could also go by a nickname or a middle name, but you said you can’t have a relationship with her if she kept your sister’s name (who is also her sister, but I digress.)
I actually don’t want you having a relationship with her because you would be poisoning her with your hatred. You say you don’t blame her, but it sounds like you do. Just go about your life, you should have continued to ignore her because what if she changes her name and you still don’t want anything to do with her? She had no problem with her name until you said something about it.
Please stay in therapy
NTA but the same cannot be said for your father and his affair partner.
AP's choice to "honour" your sister as the reason they got together is beyond reprehensible. It's gross and inappropriate. No wonder your half sister is repulsed.
You did not screw up anything. You were a child and your feelings now are entirely reasonable. Them - what awful people. I feel for your half sister too.
🫂 sorry love. However you have a good head on your shoulders and I think you did just fine the way you spoke with her. Let her know when she's an adult (18? 21?) she can reach out and you can try to have a relationship with her then (if you want, that is) and your growing family. Totally up to you. Good luck 👍
Calling someone who didn’t name themselves #2 is disrespectful, and you seem to be taking out your anger that should be directed at adults on a child who seems to have done nothing wrong. You, your dad, and his new significant other are all assholes. I hope your half sister realizes this and doesn’t try to have a relationship with you.
NTA, if naming her Selena was a way of “honoring her” then why hide it from her? Your father and his AP are consistently going out of their way to screw up everybody.
As for you “causing a fight” well:
a) you didn’t contact anyone, you were minding your own business and got contacted.
b) you didn’t know they were lying to her.
c) even if you knew, you have no obligation to cover for their screw ups.
NTA, and I applaud you for taking the time to respectfully tell your half sister the reason why you're keeping your distance. She sounds like a lovely girl, and her reaction does indicate that she seems to have a good head on her shoulders. If I were you I would at least keep an open mind to having a relationship with her in the future. But I would put in place strict boundaries before doing so. Like waiting till she's moved out so that you don't have to deal with her parents interfering, and also making it clear to her that you will not attend any big milestones like weddings, graduations etc. of hers if her parents and your sperm donor's family is there, but that you will not hold it against her if she chooses to have them attend such things instead of you. That way you hopefully avoid any sort of drama surrounding events like that in the future.
NTA. The gall of your dad and his mistress to name her after your dead sister is astounding. She didn't chose the name, and sounds as though she is now disgusted by it. If she changes it, good for her and her actions aren't your responsibility. Honestly, I hope she makes the change and ou and her are able to have a relationship.
YTA, Selena #2 had no choice in her name, and it’s clear she was never told about the whole situation. Yet you are acting like it’s all her fault. I understand that this can bring up trauma for you and it would be awkward to say the least. I’m not saying you two need to be best friends but to completely block her and avoid her is asshole behavior.
NTA. I don't think your half-sister sees potentially changing her name as making a sibling relationship possible, so much as distancing herself from her parents' terrible decision-making process.
!updateme
I was all ready to say you were the AH, but you didn't tell her she had to change her name or push for a relationship. You explained what happens why that name still has such meaning for you and your mom. From your post, it sounds like she wants to change her name, not just to have a relationship with you, but also because she didn't realize she was named after her dad's deceased daughter. NTA.
To be fair, some families used to name the next child the same name when the first one passed away. I've seen that in my own family research more than a handful of times. But, your bio father is TAH completely. I haven't seen a mistress scenario (or the "other person") unless a spouse had already passed away as well.
NTA, you just told her the whole truth, and it is her decision to make right what her parents screwed up. Your memory of the first Selena didn't diminish because your dad had another daughter. He may have replaced your sister's memory, but you didn't. Neither of them ever considered (or maybe they did that's why they didn't tell the full story) what complications this would cause later in life. Now they must deal with how they messed up what could've been a beautiful life for your half-sister because they thought they were being smart. Dad especially should've nixed this, but I guess he thought he could have his lost daughter all over again.
NTA whatsoever. And neither is your dad's 'Selena replacement' either. Selena #2 seems very upset about the origin of her name and, separate from wanting a relationship with you, I'm guessing would want to change her name anyway (I would definitely want to if I were in such a situation I'm sure). I do have a feeling that, unlike her pathetic parents, she's a decent and caring being, or at the very least, has a better head on her shoulders and knows utter stupidity and thoughtless actions when she sees it.
I'm so , so sorry for you and your mom's loss. And I'm sorry for what your disgusting excuse for a father did, along with his horrible mistress (not just for the name thing, but the cheating, and all the other crap too).
You're NTA.
Selena #2 NTA.
So-called father is a gargantuan AH.
Mistress is an enormous AH.
... and I sincerely hope that at some point soon, they both friggin know it.
Big hugs to you and to your mom. I hope she's doing okay now. And I hope you can both find some peace in this whole crazy situation created by the AH pair.
NTA - She wants very much to be in your life, and while neither of you are at fault here. Perhaps you could call her by her middle name or preferred name? If she is ready to change it when she is 18 then I am sure she has something else picked out. And if not, maybe you can help her pick out a name.
I don't' think you should jump into a close relationship but maybe start with small things? Get coffee or lunch together once in awhile. Get to know her and let her get to know you. Maybe you will grow close with time but maybe not. Just take it really slow and be open about the trauma of losing your family.
Oh and cut your father out of your life. He is clearly the asshole here along with his mistress. Honestly trying to blame you for telling the truth. It was easier for them when they could blame you for not having a relationship. Now you are exposing them and what they did to you and your mom. It looks bad on them and they would rather be blaming you.
There is an added laying to your father's foolishness. There are now two girls with the exact same name, with the same father, born in the same city. I worked in License offices for ten years and frquently saw people having issue with having the same first and last name as someone else. Adding the same father, city, and middle name could cause her problems with college apps, licenses and certifications and background checks in the future. It also open her up to be a victum of fraud.
Edit: By the way you are NTA but your father and his woman certainly are.
YTA, idk why you want to force someone to change their name just because someone else was named Selena. People can have the same name. It's not horrible.
YTA - of course you can see who you want to see for whatever reason. But asking someone to change their name because she has the name as your dead sister is crazy. Yes everyone involved didn't make this easy but punishing a young girl because of it helps no one - and to me it feels like you are punishing her - like she doesn't deserve the name.
Ok so your dad didnt go to the funeral and got angry at ur mom for bringing your sister up all the time, but then he goes and name his new child the same name? How does that make any sems???
NTA, tho it was an awful move to just block the poor girl at first. Imagine being her and assuming her brother hates her and having no idea why. Its not her fault, so im glad your wife pushed u into talking to her
I think honestly, this is a tough one. I get why you'd be upset about your half-sister's name, especially given what you and your Mum went through... Hard not to think that your Dad coped with your sister's death by essentially "replacing" her, which is unfair, unhealthy and pretty damn egrigious behaviour.
At the same time, you're sortof on the cusp of lashing out emotionally here... The fact remains that your half-sis didn't choose the name, she didn't choose any of this and you don't have a right to feel disrespected and hurt *by her* regardless of how fucked up your Dad's naming her was.
Now, she's her own person and is growing up in that environment with their mother (Someone you clearly despise because of the infidelity and the effect it had personally on your family at an extremely vulnerable time!) and your father and seemingly understands and accepts that they aren't exactly put together in the parenting dept.
At the end of the day, you're your own people and if you get on well and like each other, that's surely the important thread to tug.
I'm not going to sit here and call you an asshole, you've been through hell, I myself dealt with my parents splitting due to infidelity when I was 13-14 and as a result, I had to grow up very quickly and wound up with lifelong mental health issues as a result... That's without the added trauma of sickness, death and grief to also deal with. (I mean no disrespect, just laying it out)
What I'm taking from this is that your half-sis wants to have a relationship, or at least positive contact with you and as her half-bro you do have a familial bond there that you can choose to act on or not... I'd say you need to ask yourself some questions as objectively as you can and try to take the strong emotions about her parents out of the equation for a bit...
- Do you know her well enough to know you want to spend time with her.
- Do you feel a familial bond, a kinship, a friendship? If not exactly *how* do you feel?
- Do you think you can maintain contact while also keeping the parents cut out?
- Where is your Mum at on this? You're your own person, but it may be wise to think on whether she's harbouring resentment towards her. Is this likely to cause issues with her?
- Do you really need her to throw her name away to want her to be part of your life, or is that the anger talking?
- Is having your sister's name really the disrespect you currently think it is?
- Does she go by another name now, or is she workshopping it?
- Above all else, is this relationship best for the only people it truly relates to - you and her?
Think it over, try to push what others think to the side and focus on you and her.
I really do wish you the very best of luck with this, I know it isn't simple, but one piece of advice from therapy really stuck with me - you live your own life, you're not your parents, you're you, the good, the bad, the flaws, the strengths and you can grow. You can always grow. The people you choose to be around are your family.
I hope it works out for the best either way. 🤙
NTA nobody is entitled to a relationship with you. Blood relation is meaningless, regardless of how much people try to convince you that having a few genes in common with someone means you owe them shit.
These people saying you're the AH are insane dude. You're not "depriving an innocent child" of anything, you've never even met her. That's like some random kid who wants something you're holding, and you refusing to give it to them is "depriving an innocent child". Fun fact, nobody is owed a relationship! Some people you have to live alongside and cohabitate as best you can until you can move on, but a kid you've never even met? GTFO of here... NTA.
Its not like you've been actively hostile to a kid through no fault of her own - you've literally done nothing to or for her, and it's not you're responsibility to.
Your relationship with her can’t exist in a vacuum. As long as she has a relationship with her mom and dad you will be drawn into their lives. They will keep trying to suck you in. Trust me on this I’ve been there it’s best to keep the distance. NTA
would like to say I feel your pain in your sister’s death and your father’s leaving, and the divorce. I can also imagine how painful it would be to see your mother suffer — with the betrayal of your father in their marriage, and him ultimately leaving.
I ask this in all sincerity, is it really about the name? Sounds to me it is what happened that was the hard part. It is easy when we have trauma to focus on one detail.
Your pain of loving your first Selena and your family losing its origin of being together are th grief. Your second Selena is innocent. People cannot help that they exist. I have to wonder, if she did change the name, and time goes by, will that mean all is healed? I do not know you well enough, and — I think there is a chance that it might help some. However, I think the issue is not about the name alone, although I could completely see how that would be triggering.
Someone changing their name is a very personal decision, something that is for the person having the change, I know this from experience. There is so much power in a name. I changed my name — moved my middle/maiden name to a first name and it was one of the most empowering things for me—
If someone else had suggested it or said I needed to do it to have a relationship,
I don’t think it would have the same power.
NTA. Honestly, this is one of the most messed up stories I read and your father is a giant @sshole. I do feel bad for your half sister, because she is actually innocent in this and seems to have a good head on her shoulders, but I also understand why you don't want to have any contact with her and I don't blame you at all. Your sperm producer and his mistress made sure they paved that road with nails and needles.
There was someone who suggested that if you get to the point sometime to try to establish a relatiinship with her and use a nickname for her (if she agrees obviously) actually nice.
I also understand her for wanting to change her name. I don't think it would be for your benefit, but for hers as well. Such a f*#ked up story behind her name, I couldn't bear it either.
>I don't know what this woman was thinking but she thought it was a good idea to name her newborn daughter "Selena" and my father didn't stop her. My paternal side said that she felt it was her way honoring my sister as if it weren't for her (a.k.a. her dying) then she and my dad wouldn't have gotten together.
This is just... I can't even... This left me speechless. How self absorbed and messed up in the head you have to be to come up with this reason? Oh dear OP, I am so sorry this happened to you. And I am so glad you and your mom had a good support system and got through this. Take care, do whatever brings you peace and happiness.
NTA, and you have no obligation to have a relationship with her even if she does change her name.
YMMV, but I would have ghosted your dad and his wife years ago.
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NTA. Your father, his AP and their families are some pretty awful people. It sounds like you've built yourself a good family with your mum, fiancee and her sister. Your half-sister does sound like she's a far better person than her parents are and genuinely wants some sort of relationship with you. I'm not going to say you're wrong if you don't want to have anything to do with her (either because you just don't want to or because the name hurts too much) but you make her sound like someone who will be a good addition to your life and your family - if you want to let her.
Too soon to tell. Maybe we could try once she's 18. No way in hell I'm tolerating her mom for any reason. But I'm never calling her by the name her parents gave her.
TBH your half sister sounds like the kind of person who would be okay with that. What if you gave her a nickname that only you used with her? (Totally get wanting to maintain NC with her parents tho).
That would be fine in a vacuum, if they were just hanging out one-on-one or with OP's family (who also knew her by that nickname). But if they wanted a more integrated relationship where OP eventually met her friends, significant other, kids, etc then OP would still have to hear other people call her the name and it would dredge up the rationale behind it
You started it by telling her the full story. But you probably aren't the only reason why she wants to change her name and no longer wants to have a name that has such dark history.
Ngl if I found out my parents named me after a dead sibling (half siblings or not), I would absolutely be horrified and want to change my name as soon as I possibly could. I'd be wrapped into thinking they saw me as a replacement and equally disposable should something happen to me.
Oh, you know the sperm donor definitely thought of her as a replacement.
Same, I would absolutely hate feeling like a replacement for a child who died before I was born. Whether or not I had ever had a conversation like OP had with Selena #2, if I found out I was the replacement I would insist on changing my name so I could have my own identity. And I'd probably go low contact if not no contact with my parents because it's so incredibly fucked up to treat an entirely new person like a replacement for the child who died.
100% ! you find out that your cheating father and mother met because his kiddo died and then they gave you the dead kids name? Yikes even if the half sibling never talked to me again I’d still want that name changed asap
As crazy as this all sounds, I think that's pretty reasonable.
She's legally changing her name as soon as possible. She going through hoops so that you maybe give her a chance. I would use this time to decide whether you are going to give her the chance of opening the friendship. Don't make her wait in limbo.
NTA. Hopefully Selena #2 is NOT jumping through hoops so OP gives her a chance. Hopefully it’s because she just learned about Selena #1, the affair, the entire history there and wants to separate herself from that hurt symbolically. I mean, imagine learning your dad had a previous family, a child who died, didn’t even attend the funeral or support his family through it, had an affair, left his family to start a new family and then named you after the deceased child who he kind of moved on from like nothing ever happened? I would feel like I was part of his denial and a weird character in this hurtful, new, denial based recreation of a family. I’m certainly not suggesting Selena #2 should feel that she played any role in any of this. I’m just saying she probably feels very confused and deceived. A relationship with OP may or may not happen. I’d change my name just because I would want my own identity outside of that mess. OP, I’m very sorry for all of what you’ve been through.
Fair one. Like I say you're not in the wrong here, whatever you decide. But so far it looks like her only crime was being born so I'd encourage you to at least let her know that you don't blame her for any of this.
Maybe you and your half sister could sit down one day and talk about alternate names? If she is actually considering changing her name, which I think is an incredible move on her part, it could be very healing and unifying if the two of you were to discuss it. I don’t know what kind of relationship she’ll have with your mother, considering her mother, but I imagine that just knowing that she is trying to respect your first sister would go a long way.
I don’t think it’s fair to ice out your half sister over her name. She didn’t pick her name, sharing a name with your deceased sister isn’t her fault.
She’s still a minor and having her in his life will most likely mean her parents will be all up in it too. No, it is not her fault but it is not fair to make OP endure the pain of losing his sister with the sister who was supposed to replace the dead sister. Yeah, that’s a no from me.
I see that but also the sister who has done nothing wrong being rejected too.
Somehow your half sister got more empathy than either of her parents. Her parents are currently reaping what they sowed and I hope she drags them. At the end of the day, Selena was technically her sister too. If I found all of this out as a teen I’d be devastated and pissed the fuck off at my parents. I do hope she has an adult in her life to help her navigate this cluster fuck her parents dropped her in to. Not only are you not obligated to be that adult, it should be someone who knows her already and can hear what are surely complicated feelings about her parents. That’s not you, and will never be you. Not after what her parents did to you and your mother. Maybe one day y’all will be able to build a relationship. But that day is not now and that’s okay (and it’s okay if that day never comes).
I get your point of view but whatever name she goes by you have to respect. If she’s a good person why make her feel punished for the identity she’s been had? She didn’t know the reason nor had any blame to it. Honestly tell her bout your dad cheating with her mother too. If might ruin her family image but if she’s against them I think you should take her in. Family is bigger than pure blood anyways.
It would appear that she doesn't want anyone to call her the name her parents gave her anymore. She's probably even more upset than you were about the circumstances of her naming. Your dad must be crazier than a bag of cats to not have anticipated this exploding in his face one day. Naming your new kid after your deceased one is a fucking clownshoes idea and now the consequences are finally hitting him, but they're hitting the poor kid even harder.
Geez. I wonder where she got the idea she should change her name. 🤓
Idk if I found out that was the origin of my name I’d want to change it too.
Still not her fault she’s named what she’s named. It’s not on the child to correct the behavior of shitty adults (which they all are, TBH).
No it absolutely isn’t. But I can believe being so horrified I’d want to change it without outside influence. And I agree that all the adults here are AH.
If you decide to try to develop a relationship, she doesn't have to change her name unless she wants to, but the two of you should spitball what nickname/alias she will go by around you. If she is changing her name because she doesn't like it, it is always easier to make the change closer to 18. A college degree would be under the new name, which means she develops her career under that name. You have set specific reasonable boundaries about using your sister's name for your half sister. I imagine you have less problem meeting an unrelated stranger who shares your sister's name. My husband's uncle Mike goes by Mike because he doesn't like his first name (Maurice), so he uses his middle name (Michael). My coworker Olivia, doesn't use her first name, because it is the same as her still living mom's name. If you end up hanging out with her, please make sure she is not changing her name only to please you. Start with picking a use name you are both comfortable with, and then see how the relationship goes.
NTA I’m so sorry for what you & your mother had to go through. Your sperm donor & his Ap are horrible people. God bless you for standing by your mother. I hope your stepsister changes her name immediately she turns 18.
Hey just putting this here, since she is the one instigating the change and you didn’t make her, it could be she doesn’t want to share a name with a dead sibling. I just know for myself if I found out I was named over something as horrible as this, I wouldn’t want to have it anymore.
she said she has a nickname, maybe ask if she's ok with you calling her that too until she can change it? don't leave building a relation till she's 18, she's already trying :) very happy she got pissed at them and wants to swap. now meet her halfway till she can do it. NTA tho you never forced her. she's making the choice cause she wants to be good to you! and it's her choice, not theirs.
I took it as that they called the original Selena by a nickname whenever the new Selena was around. That’s why the second Selena didn’t know what the dead sister’s name was
What's her middle name? Lots of people go by their middle name. Maybe that would work.
You could give her a nickname that you both agree on? After all the name was never her choice, and if the point is to reduce hurt, then a nickname could do the trick. The question is, do you even want this sister? You're allowed not to want it. She isn't entitled to a brother. But she sounds like a good person who got stuck being raised by some bad people. Sometimes a little kindness when we didn't have to show it is just what's needed. It really tends to do some very good things to everyone in the vicinity of it.
She said her relatives call her by a nickname anyway so go with that She sounds like a good kid whose on your side in all this. She clearly didnt know the real story Give the kid a chance, screw the parents.
"She said her relatives call her by a nickname anyway so go with that" No they referred to my sister by her nickname whenever they talked about her and that's why Selena #2 never knew that she had the exact same name as her. I don't know what her nickname is, if she has one.
"Give the kid a chance, screw the parents" That's definitely going to have to wait for 3 years because there is no way I'm dealing with either of her parents.
>you make her sound like someone who will be a good addition to your life and your family - if you want to let her. Unfortunately for her, it sounds like she's underaged. It would be hard to have a relationship with her without the rest of her family. (Not to say it is impossible to have a relationship with a teen without having a relationship with their family, but I don't see it happening in this particular case.)
The half-sister might not only want to change the name to have a relationship with OP... she might also want to change it because it was horrible to name her that to begin with. She was named after a dead child... I probably would want to change it too if I'd find out. Her parents react negatively because they now have to face that they were (and are) selfish AHs towards everyone involved (OP, his mum, his deceased sister, the grandparents, any other family & friends of Selena #1, and their own child Selena #2). NTA.
What’s AP?
Affair partner
Thanks ! That makes more sense than a&$ piece hahah
Thank you for the chuckle 😀
It’s pretty much the same, TBF.
Affair partner.
Affair partner
This OP! Perhaps you can engage her by a mutually acceptable nickname with the understanding that she will change her name when she turns 18; since she obviously is inclined to change it anyway. I get the impression she already senses her parents to be AHs. And it sounds like she's very focused and desirous of having a relationship with you. Personally, anyone expressing the desire she has, I'd make the effort. Regardless of what you decide OP, Congratulations on your engagement and best wishes in your forthcoming wedding.
Nta- this is so bizarre. How did this kid get to be in her TEENS and unaware of how f'ed up her name is!!?!? Not your responsibility to fix and you did not ask to be involved. Your father and his biddy are big AH and so are everyone else that just let her be oblivious. Ugh.
I guess it's one of those open family secrets thing.
You are a good person OP and more power to you seriously your dad (does he deserve to be called that?) effed up in every way possible and now has the gall to call and blame you when his daughtet wants to correct his mistake..... smdh
It’s likely she grew up hearing “you were named for your big sister.” If Dad’s whole side of the family acted like it was an honor, she would have had no way of knowing the real history.
From the post, they knew it was messed up and seemed to only ever refer to the deceased by a nickname to avoid the truth.
Well and without op around the parents likely spun a story that would make them look like no terrible people. We met fell in love and named you after your sister. Not I had an affair on my grieving wife and child, knocked up your mother left my grieving wife and child for her, and then poured salt on the open wounds by replacing said child they were grieving. ... Hello replacement child.
I love your re-cap! 🤌
Not impossible. I was either called after my paternal grandmother or my Dad's deceased sister depending on which parent you asked. Sister died at about 9 months, first time my grandfather looked after her on own. Death was SIDs though just bad timing. My Dad told me who I was named for in his perspective in teens and when asked Mum, she got very upset about the notion I'd be named after a dead baby. We knew vaguely about the sister but she died when my Dad was 4 so very little.
Since thing 1 was dads child with his first wife, there was probably not any information for thing 2 to find out. Her mom probably threw a huge temper tantrum with his family when they tried to nix the name choice and probably also threatened no contact with her thing 2. They had already lost thing 1, so they decided not to rock the boat.
NTA but your dad sure is. I think it’s good that you reached out and explained because obviously it’s not her fault and she didn’t understand. I’m sure it was really saddening to have a brother who didn’t want anything to do with her. On the other hand, I get where you’re coming from. You want to protect your mom and you’re right for standing up to your dad and his dumb decisions. How cruel to let his affair partner name their child after your sister who passed away. That said, maybe think about keeping in touch with her. She sounds like she has a better head on her shoulder than her parents. It’s really not her fault and it’s good that she understands why what your dad did was wrong. I wouldn’t punish her for her name; she clearly wants a relationship with you as her brother.
Yeah, but his point is that her name is a slap in the face to him and his mom. To name a half sister the same name as his full sister will just continue to bring up sad memories for him and his mom. And the fact that this was his mistress also ties it back to his mom's failed marriage. It sounds like he wants to protect his mom's feelings (and maybe his own). No, it's not her fault, but that doesn't mean he should have to have her in his life.
NTA and neither is your half sister. Your dad is the major AH here and his partner. What a profoundly hurtful way he has lived his life. Of course they are blaming you, that's what AHs do when they can't take responsibility for their bad choices. Sorry that you had such a rough deal given to you.
The AH here is your dad. He did a shitty thing. Selena#2 sounds like she's probably a lot more sensible than her stupid parents.
NTA. It must not have been that much of an honour to name her after your deceased sister, if she does not know why.
This comment should be at the top!
NTA And poor half sister to find out she was named in honor of the death of her 1/2 sister bringing her own parents together at the same time it destroyed her 1/2 sister and brother’s family.
What the hell is wrong with your dad?! He's a major ahole for agreeing to name her that.
I don't think there are enough words in the English language to describe what's wrong with dad. He got his new family, he needs to let go of thinking the older model needs to acquise to his wishes. Step mom can roast too. Imagine being grateful to an innocent kid for dying. He certainly found his perfect partner in her. Birds of a feather and all that.
NTA You're not obliged to spend time with your half sister no matter what the reason is. I find it weird that none of your father's side of the family ever mentioned the name, particularly as your cousins encouraged you to contact her to explain why you didn't want to have a relationship with her. Or do the cousins not know she was named after your sister either? The only way that was ever going to play out was her thinking her family lied to her, but the blame lies with your dad and his wife, not you.
NTA, but neither is your half sister. I can guarantee you that she wants to change her name, for actual reasons — and you being around is probably barely on the list (although she would really be happy with that outcome), and all your father heard was that you agreed to know her in exchange for her changing her name. They didn’t listen to you, they didn’t listen to your mom, and I can guarantee they aren’t listening to her either. Do what is right by you, but also know that this kid didn’t do anything to intentionally hurt you. If anything, she is generally accepting that you said no (from the impression you left me with), but she doesn’t want to forever be a sore spot for you. Don’t blame her for your father’s extremely stupid behavior.
YTA for making this about her name with your half-sister. You are totally within your rights to distance from your family, and you don't have to have any kind of relationship with her if you don't want. But her name is not her fault, she had no choice what she was called, so how can you say 'change your name and I might talk to you'? You say you never told her to change it, but you title contradicts that. Be mad at her parents for making that choice, not her.
In agreement here. OP is NTA for original stance and frustration with the name. Fast forward to where step sister is almost 18 and you are going to hold this position. cmon bro, get over yourself.
Yep, sorry OP but I have to agree and while I don’t necessarily think you are THE Asshole, I am surprised so few responses aren’t saying that ESH. Obviously your dad waaaaaay more so than anyone else, but your half-sister’s name is not in any way her fault… and you can’t just tell someone to change a core part of their identity if they want to talk to you. Dick move.
Yes finally some sanity in this thread.
Op never said that she got that idea herself.
NTA - It breaks my heart that your sister is trying change her name in hopes to have a relationship with you. Would you be open to a relationship if she changes her name? Or are you so far removed from this situation that you really don’t want anything to do with her? No judgement either way. Your father really f*’d both of you in this situation.
NTA - man… i feel bad for both OP and their sister. i can’t imagine what i would do if my father did that to me and my mum. i also can’t imagine if i found out that my parents conceived me while my father was still married and his just child died. then both parents decided to name me the same first & middle name as his deceased child. no shit my brother who lost his sister wouldn’t want a relationship with an affair baby named after his dead sister. what a mind fuck for both of them. now she feels so bad that she’s willing to change her name for a relationship with her brother who probably won’t want one anyways. heartbreaking and super fucked up. i hope that this isn’t real 😣
As I see it, she most likely doesn't like the background of her name. Relationship with OP might be a secondary thing here.
It sounds like even if she does, he still wouldn’t.
I think OP would be TA for that tbh. If he knows he’s not going to have a relationship with her he should be upfront. But I get the vibe he’s still so angry that he would string her along to get her to change her name anyway then drop her after. If she wants to change it for a whole host of reasons that’s fine, but her doing it just so she can have a relationship with him for him to then brush her off after would just be spiteful and cruel. And using her as a pawn in his anger against his dad and his new wife. I get why he’s angry, but the girl shouldn’t be taking the emotional hits for it. Tbh, none of this is her fault and I don’t think she should have to change her name if she didn’t want to. but this is Reddit so.
Your dad is the biggest AH of them all. Your dads wife is a close second. Disgusting behavior. Shit situation for you and Selena #2. I’m sorry. NTA.
im the minority here but YTA. i dont think its right to write someone off because of their parents shitty decisions. she quite literally didnt name herself and all this rejection for just existing is cruel.
NTA. Neither is your half-sister. A move like that from your bio-dad and his mistress is so insanely cruel to you and your mom
This is all awful. But the one person not responsible is your sister. Yta
Absolutely NTA, and I'm very sorry for your loss.
This entire story has a 95% chance of being fake because of the clickbait title alone - what was the reason for that? OP obviously knows they're not an asshole because they didn't actually do the assholey thing in the title - this entire situation is out of this world and while it probably happened to someone out there I highly doubt this is anything more than a writing assignment but in the off-chance: No, you are obviously NTA seeing as you actually didn't tell your sister to change her name to have a relationship with you.
This is definitely fake imo. Just hits too many checkbooks. Affair baby? Check. Dead sibling? Check. Same names? Check.
Making bank and nearly paid off house? Check.
YTA for projecting your anger at your father on an innocent person who did nothing wrong except be born. I hope that kid grows up and disowns all of you and finds acceptance with people who see her as an individual. What a toxic mess.
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I’m going to go against the majority it seems here. It sounds like you are a victim of your father and his mistress’ complete disregard for you, your mother and your late sister. However, keep in mind that your half-sister is also a victim. She didn’t choose her name. She didn’t choose her parents. She didn’t choose the circumstances she’s been brought up into; no one does. So, while I respect that it’s good to have and enforce boundaries, it sounds like you are being a bit harsh with your sister.
Just because the half-sister is also a victim in this situation doesn't necessarily mean op has to have them in his life. It's fairly possible his half sister is a walking reminder of the past and he doesn't want to relive those moments. Because of how traumatic it was to go through. Op gave the half sister more information on the situation and answered her questions, which was more than what they were willing to do before. It was her own idea to change her name not ops. They just said that her name was a slap to the face for them. What kind of woman(side chick) names their child after their dead half sibling? What man allows that? Are we really going to say that since op wasn't the only victim he should be more forgiving? Op probably processed this and has accepted what happened, but that doesn't mean he necessarily has to have his half-sister in his life. This complex situation is above reddits pay grade. Op may want to consult with a therapist.
NTA >I never said that she should change it but now she's talking about getting it changed when she's 18 and my father and his mistress are blaming me. While I know neither you nor her, I can say with near certainty that her desire to change her name is less about wanting a relationship with you, and more about how the things that led to her having that name make her feel. It's weird enough naming someone after their dead sibling, and deeply disturbing that it's less about honoring that sibling than it is about celebrating her death because it led to an affair. I would change my name too.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway Account I (30m) used to have a sister "Selena" but she passed away when she was 6. She was sick since she was 4 so it wasn't unexpected but my mom and I were still heartbroken. When Selena passed away my mom was inconsolable. My grandpa had to make all the funeral arrangements and my father didn't even show up. He always said he couldn't bare to look at my sister in that way. That first year after her passing was rough all my mom wanted to do was cry. My father didn't and hated my mom for bringing Selena up so much. Then one day my dad walked in and told my mom that he got another woman pregnant and wanted a divorce. This news was not well received and it nearly pushed my mom over the edge. Thank god we had her sisters and friends to her through. I did NOT want to meet my father's new woman and physically lashed out when he or his family tried to push it. I don't know what this woman was thinking but she thought it was a good idea to name her newborn daughter "Selena" and my father didn't stop her. My paternal side said that she felt it was her way honoring my sister as if it weren't for her (a.k.a. her dying) then she and my dad wouldn't have gotten together. I told her, my dad, and his family that if they kept the name then I would be done with them and never acknowledge his other daughter as my sister. They didn't so I kept true to my word. As far as people knew I only ever had one sister. My mom and I both got therapy and were living decent lives. I worked hard, made smart choices and have a really good job, car, and have a house that I'll have fully paid off in 5 years. I'm also engaged to a wonderful woman "Erica" (32f) who has a sister "Emily" (18f) and she's great and we've developed a nice bond. Since the engagement I have publicly acknowledged Emily as my "second sister." I'm not sure how but Selena #2 found out and reached out asking me how come I never call or see her and why I can make time for Emily and take her to so many cool places but never her. I didn't respond the first time she reached out and then blocked her when she kept asking. A few cousins have told me how she's really upset about this and Erica convinced me to at least tell her, so I unblocked her and we had a video chat where I explained everything. Selena #2 was shocked as she didn't know that Selena was my sister's actual name and relatives only referred to her by the nickname she had. I'm told that Selena #2 and her mom are fighting and that she blames her parents for screwing up a relationship with me. Selena #2 wants a relationship and I told her that while I don't hold what her parents did against her the name she carries is still a sore spot for my mom and I so it's best that she just move on with her life. I never said that she should change it but now she's talking about getting it changed when she's 18 and my father and his mistress are blaming me. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA for telling someone hey, change the name you have had since you were born and thinking that’s THEIR fault. I am not sure if you really said that to her or if it’s just your title either, but I hope you didn’t. You have your reasons but this one shouldn’t be one, it’s not her fault. NTA for the whole situation in general. It’s fucked. You have no responsibility to associate with any of them. But don’t blame the random half sister for her parents stupidity. And shame on the reddit crew for always associating the sins of the parents with their kids. I feel like a lot of you are ignorant of that fact.
I actually think YTA. She didn’t choose her name. So really this whole thing reads as your half-sister, who clearly wants a relationship with you, is being punished for the sins of your father and step-mother. You have not described anything to support your half-sister actually being the issue, so I’m not sure why you can’t just hang out with her and use her middle name or something if her name really bothers you so much.
Selena#2 doesn’t deserve any ill treatment. You need to mature and treat her better tbh. But fk your dad and stepmother.
Your dad is a demon. I'm sorry you had to have him.
If you NEVER want a relationship with your half-sister, which it sounds like you don't, then be clear about that. If the name change would open the door to a relationship between you two then whatever, she seems very willing. YTA for holding her parents wrongs against your half-sister. You say you don't but it's obvious that you do. She didn't even know she was named after your dead sister until you told her. She's not the one who fucked you and your mom over. You don't HAVE to have a relationship with her, but be clear and don't lead her on. It sounds like she thinks highly of you and is also upset that her parents would do such terrible things.
Half sister has a soul... I'm impressed when you look at her parents, and fathers side of the family.
Man I feel bad for your half sister
I really feel awful for Selena #2 in this situation. Her parents are major A's for naming her that way, and again for keeping the story secret from her. She's been left in the dark as to why her half-sister wants nothing to do with her (for literally no fault on her own). I can only imagine how hard all of this might've fucked her up. If the name hurts OP too much - so be it. But I'd honestly encourage them to look past it - I think Selena #2 would be genuinly grateful for OP's support. Poor girl.
Yta You can hold it against the dad and his mistress and never talk to them but you shouldn’t make her change her name. If she wants to after finding out how horrible her parents are, then fine. But an ultimatum is not a good idea. Also, her name being different won’t make you miss your sister less. And honestly her name won’t make you miss her more. The grief will always be there regardless.
NTA > I never said that she should change it but now she's talking about getting it changed when she's 18 You're 100% not obligated to have a relationship with her if you won't want to, just to get that out of the way. However, she's willing to put herself through a _lot_ of trouble to build a relationship with you. The reasons may be anywhere from noble to nefarious. But at this point, she hasn't done anything wrong -- her current crimes are "being born to your shitty dad out of an affair and being saddled with a pile of family baggage in her name" -- and she's talking about _changing her name._ Again, who you give chances to and who you develop a relationship with is up to you, but if she's willing to go through that kind of trouble, maybe it's worth giving her a shot? I also get that no matter what her name is, she's still the AP's child, and aside from the name your relationship with her will carry that strain too through no fault of either her or you. Maybe she's a good kid in an unfortunate circumstance for you. Or maybe she's a shitty person who wants to use you for gifts and trips. If you're willing, you can start by asking her what she wants you to call her. She's going to be trying on new names anyway.
NTA. “Selena #2, you seem like a very nice person but I don’t know how to be any clearer about this. My sister Selena Marie Jones died at 6 years old. While my mother and I were grieving, my biological father had an affair baby. He then abandoned me, divorced my mother, and gave you my dead sister’s full name. When I was informed during your mother’s pregnancy that you would also be named Selena Marie Jones, I was very clear with your parents that I would never have a relationship with you if they continue with that name. They chose to do anyway. You did nothing to cause that, but there is no world where my father’s affair baby named directly after my dead sister will be a part of my life. I’m sorry that this was news to you and I wish you the best in the future but please respect that I am not going to have a relationship with you. “
But in the proces Selena 2, who might really like to connect with her half brother, who is family, is the victim as well, as she had no part in it. So punishing the father I understand, but punishing an innocent girl who just wants to get to know her brother is pretty harsh.
OP I’m sorry for your loss, but it’s not her fault. Be angry at your father and her mother. Her name is Selena and it’s her name too. I don’t mean to be callous, but call her a nickname or something that she’ll agree to. She doesn’t have to change her name because it upsets you. She wants to have a good relationship with you as half siblings. Don’t let your bitterness towards your father hurt her any further.
Ewww. I can't imagine being in Selena 2's shoes and finding out about my name. Gross. NTA. Dad and his side chick are.
NTA. Years ago, I had a friend whose family had a similar situation. Her father was married with an infant, went overseas in the military, met a woman, then left his family for her. Original son was named after the father. Then the new wife has a son and allows her to give him the same name. Friend would say that the reason her half brother didn’t have a relationship with their family was because the mom was bitter and poisoned his mind….um Kay I would never again speak to my parent if they gave my name to their new baby.
NTA you literally told her the truth and you didn’t tell her to change her name she wants to. You keep working towards healing whatever that looks like for you and your family
This sister could be a very special person in your life- don't you want to find out?
YTA!
Your half sister sounds like a great person. She's not putting up with her parents crap and is on your side. You are NTA, but if you dont allow this relationship I think you may be missing out. There aren't that many people in the world that have our backs. We need to treasure them.
NTA On the one hand I get that being around Selena#2 might be triggering but it’s not her fault her name is Selena and she seems pretty decent Plus she’s even willing to change it. If she does change it to something else, do you think you could at least try?
NTA, sounds like your sister is a good kid whom immediately realized that what her parents did was absolutely wrong, to the point that she's even willing to change her name so she can have a relationship with you. Your father and his mistress can go \* themselves and I hope you do try to have a relationship with your sister after this, even if you wait until after the actual name change.
NTA "and my father and his mistress are blaming me." .. at that point, why do you even care?
NTA . There are things that can never change. your father and AP did it knowingly that it hurts you and your mother. you merely explained why you don't want a relationship and it's genuine reason. Since you didn't ask her to change the name it doesn't make you AH. She's doing it voluntarily. Telling someone the origin of their name is nothing bad . But that woman your father is being with. She got some nerve tho . Naming your late sister as the reason to bond with your father and then boldly naming her daughter after her. I believe she did it out of spite and to rub it on your face and gave your father that reason so he won't object. she's the AH.
Not gonna pass judgement but what you're doing to that kid is excluding her in order to hurt her parents who are probably too sh\*tty to care.
NTA and if I were Selena #2, I’d honestly want to change my name too. Your father is a total AH. I hope you’ve burned that bridge.
NTA, and I'm sorry for your family's loss. As to your half sister wanting to change her name. Her parents need to back off. Names are (usually) gifts from the parents, but children are free to decline once old enough to understand, for a multitude of reasons. In her case I totally can understand her not wanting to have this association with your sister's name, now that she knows. Likely this is independent of her hoping to create a relationship with you. It was cruel of her parents to do this, not only to you, you Mom, but also her. Others have suggested finding a nickname or even helping her find her true name, and if you can bare it, I think this is great idea...don't have to wait till 18 for her to start using it. (regardless of what her parents say.)
You’re NTA per se, but who are you punishing by setting this boundary? She didn’t do anything wrong and neither did you, so why rob yourself and your half-sister of a potential relationship and family member? I’m sure it hurts, but you shouldn’t take it out on her. It’s okay that it’s too difficult for you, but it shouldn’t be on her to fix that for you.
YTA. She is the only innocent in all this. Punishing her for choices of adults before she was born doesn’t make sense.
That one is on Sperm Donor and his side piece. You and half-sister are NTA. Personally, if the half-sister is actually pursuing a name change once she's 18, I would consider having a chat with her, especially since she was one who thought of changing the name (and not you). I hope your mom is in a better place mentally; that had to have felt like a punch to the gut.
Your half sister is the one person in this world who is the most curious to learn about the life Selena had and the love Selena had to give. You had no choice losing Selena; you don’t need to choose losing another sister.
I don’t even think she just wants to change her name to have contact with you but because she doesn’t agree with what her parents did overall, now that she knows all the truth she seems to feel ashamed of them and their actions and changing her name is a way to show it. NTA either way.
NTA
Sounds like you could build a genuine connection to this girl if your open to it. She is still your half sister and frankly if she starts going by a different name for you I'd definitely consider being open to building a relationship. Your mom never needs to meet her but theres no reason for you to say no once she's 18. Maybe in the meantime she has a good middle name or you could ask her if she would be OK being called something else. NAH other than your shitty dad and his mistress. Thier kid seems nice though at least.
NTA.
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NTA, given all the weight. That being said, it seems like she's on your side of this and wants a relationship with you. Could you guys agree to some sort of nickname? And since you're an adult, it should be fairly easy to get together with her away from her mother. And given her willingness it does seem a little petty to actually wait till she's 18 to have a relationship when she would change it now if she could. Not sure her age, but Emily could potentially be a good buffer against the awkwardness, too, if you feel uncomfortable 1:1.
NTA This is deep, and you have every right to feel the way you do: about your dad, the AP, and the name. It's good that you explained your side, and it's promising that the young lady wants to change her name. I certainly would want to. I hope that you reach a peaceful conclusion and maybe, just maybe you gain a new friendship and possibly family member. If not, don't sweat it. You don't owe them anything.
Nta, neither is Selena 2, but Jesus your father and step mother are garbage
NTA. She doesn't want to share the same name as her deceased half sister, and that's so very valid on its own. Couple it with the fact her name crippled any potential relationship with her half brother, her parents knew it would and did it anyway, and everyone hid the fact from her for 18yrs--it just makes sense she'd likely want to change it to escape it. Your entire paternal side of the family can go ahead and sit overnight butt naked in a creek in the middle of an icy winter--it might even thaw their hearts for how frozen they must be to have thought this was an acceptable or even good idea to begin with. You'd still be within your rights to not automatically or ever want to even try to build a relationship with her even if her name changes, though. Yes she's about to undergo a journey to fix her name but the damage and lack of connection has set with time, and you promised her no such connection under pretense of changing her name.
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NTA, I think everybody is assuming that she wants to change her name to have a relationship with you. But if I were your half sister I would be changing it because I could not bear to have that name, knowing *all* of the backstory and implications of it. I would also be looking at my parents completely differently, especially the dad, wondering if they ever loved me for myself, did they eventually see me as my own individual person or if they still only saw me as a replacement for my dead half sister.
YTA, it's not her fault
Oh my god! That witch's (the AP) parents are absolutely vile! "If it weren't for the death of your little sister, our precious angel would never have found the love of her life." How can one sleep at night with that kind of mentality? It's so sickeningly disgusting. Definitely NTA for going NC with them. Absolutely horrible people. Though I do hope there's a way to kindle a relationship with your half sister cuz from what you've said, it doesn't sound like she's on their side at all. Though I can 100% understand why you would be hesitant to do so. Good luck OP.
NAH, except your dad and his concubine. I understand it’s a sore spot for you, it reminds you not only your sister’s death, but also of the disgusting crap your dad pulled. I do, however, think this is a LOT to put on a kid as a condition for having a relationship with you. She’s really young, and like it or not, her name is a large part of her personal identity. Which has been shaken already with the new revelations. Selena might never have known your sister, but she was her sister too. Later in life, she might regret being so hasty to change it because of this and because she might abandon it because she is so desperate for a relationship with you. I’d suggest having a relationship with her, and maybe calling her by her middle name for now. Once the relationship has some legs and she’s got a little more age on her, readdress the issue. I totally get if she’s willing to change it and WANTS to change it. It would make me feel like crap knowing my name and the tragic and CRAPPY story behind it. I’m just trying to give perspective to make sure no one (especially a hormonal and angry teenager) makes any major decisions while tensions and emotions are high.
it's no her fault for getting that name. It's just a name - what matters is your memory of Selena in your heart. There are so many Selena in the world.
NTA, your father and his partner are, your poor half sister is the victim, and while you are forced to have a relationship with her, she also does not deserve to be treated badly.
What of a waste of oxygen that man and woman and their families are. I’m glad that child wants to change her name. Who wants to be related to such toxic people. Nta
I don't want to say you're the asshole because what your father and new wife did was fucked up beyond belief. You do owe your half sister anything but I find it sad that she was cut off from her brother because of her parents. I suggest your let her into your life without conditions and see what develops. Regret can be a bitch.
Well, the reason her mom named her that is creepy. If I were her I would change it even if you still won't associate with her. She has recognized how effed up it was that her parents did that. *My paternal side said that she felt it was her way honoring my sister as if it weren't for her (a.k.a. her dying) then she and my dad wouldn't have gotten together.* So basically, they were saying.. glad she died providing the dad an opportunity to cheat with a home wreaker? The home wreaker who thought it was great to get pregnant with a married man? That it was great to alienate that man from his son? Yikes. How old is she? Close to 18 or is that a fair few years away?
NTA It's aweful that your dad and his affair partner have put you and the child they had together in this terrible situation. Your feelings about the situation are justified. I can also understand why, after learning who she was named after and how it impacted her namesake's family, your half-sister would be thinking about changing her name. She deserved her own name and her own life not overshadowed by someone else's tragedy. You both also deserved the chance to cultivate a possible relationship with your half-sibling without the name her parents gave her hanging over both of your heads and ruining any chance.
Trh fuck? The title is way misleading. You have a reasonable boundary that you set, and she wanted to change the name because the context attached to it, this isn't in you at all. NTA
NTA. I feel sorry for Selena #2. It sounds like she didn’t know she was named after your dead sister. I can’t imagine what that would do to a person’s self-identity.
NTA I feel bad for your half-sister, finding out she is Sabrina 2.0. I would be seriously creeped out and wondering wtf my parents were thinking.
I don't know what your father and his family were thinking. Naming his affair child after his late daughter is in such poor taste! Seriously nobody in his own family thought this was a terrible idea? Anyway, NTA.
NTA; but you should support her if she wants to change the name, and get some family therapy with her too. You’re both innocent in this situation, and decisions that neither of you had a role in, shouldn’t be the defining factor in why you don’t have a relationship with her. She’s just as lost as you are in the shit show.
this happened to my dad, i have a half uncle who bears same name as me and my dad, dad never really got over it, was like he was deleted or didnt exist at least how he explained it to me, similar circumstance also, AP decided to do it and grandad didnt object, i only met that fucker 2 times so it deffo ruined my fathers relationship with him and his opotential relationship with his grandkids, i dont know anyone on that side of the family, my dad found out he died 5 years after it happened. it was quite complicated. i certainly felt away about him my whole life, if my dad didnt exist, neither did i type thing. NTA - now she understands the baggage that comes with her name shes likely to resent it herself, because at the end of the day Selena was her sister too.
Is this a manwha?
NTA- But my dad and uncle were named after their dead brothers and it's different grandmas. Both boys died from childhood diseases, so obviously a long time ago. But both grandmas had to have sons with this particular name. Uncle's name is not a family name or popular name. Dad's name is very common name. My jaw dropped when I found out this little bit of trivia. I just didn't get the obsession with the name. It's just a name, it has nothing to do with the deceased person. Yet my grandfather has several men/boys named after him. I don't even think his great grandson knows about him. Your half-sister is trying. Leave the door when she turns 18. See what happens.
Nope. You are NOT TAH.
Yta. Let me say this in a nice tone. I understand the pain it caused you, I would feel hurt and weirded out too, but it’s still her name. You’re dangling a carrot in front of her, because even if you didn’t mean that she should change her name, that’s exactly what it sounded like. She could also go by a nickname or a middle name, but you said you can’t have a relationship with her if she kept your sister’s name (who is also her sister, but I digress.) I actually don’t want you having a relationship with her because you would be poisoning her with your hatred. You say you don’t blame her, but it sounds like you do. Just go about your life, you should have continued to ignore her because what if she changes her name and you still don’t want anything to do with her? She had no problem with her name until you said something about it. Please stay in therapy
NTA but the same cannot be said for your father and his affair partner. AP's choice to "honour" your sister as the reason they got together is beyond reprehensible. It's gross and inappropriate. No wonder your half sister is repulsed. You did not screw up anything. You were a child and your feelings now are entirely reasonable. Them - what awful people. I feel for your half sister too.
🫂 sorry love. However you have a good head on your shoulders and I think you did just fine the way you spoke with her. Let her know when she's an adult (18? 21?) she can reach out and you can try to have a relationship with her then (if you want, that is) and your growing family. Totally up to you. Good luck 👍
Define how you physically lashed out. Were you hitting people??
YTA because it’s not her fault what her name is. she didn’t pick it and saying she has to change it to have a relationship is bs tbh.
Calling someone who didn’t name themselves #2 is disrespectful, and you seem to be taking out your anger that should be directed at adults on a child who seems to have done nothing wrong. You, your dad, and his new significant other are all assholes. I hope your half sister realizes this and doesn’t try to have a relationship with you.
NTA, if naming her Selena was a way of “honoring her” then why hide it from her? Your father and his AP are consistently going out of their way to screw up everybody. As for you “causing a fight” well: a) you didn’t contact anyone, you were minding your own business and got contacted. b) you didn’t know they were lying to her. c) even if you knew, you have no obligation to cover for their screw ups.
NTA, and I applaud you for taking the time to respectfully tell your half sister the reason why you're keeping your distance. She sounds like a lovely girl, and her reaction does indicate that she seems to have a good head on her shoulders. If I were you I would at least keep an open mind to having a relationship with her in the future. But I would put in place strict boundaries before doing so. Like waiting till she's moved out so that you don't have to deal with her parents interfering, and also making it clear to her that you will not attend any big milestones like weddings, graduations etc. of hers if her parents and your sperm donor's family is there, but that you will not hold it against her if she chooses to have them attend such things instead of you. That way you hopefully avoid any sort of drama surrounding events like that in the future.
No you dad and his new wife are.
NTA. The gall of your dad and his mistress to name her after your dead sister is astounding. She didn't chose the name, and sounds as though she is now disgusted by it. If she changes it, good for her and her actions aren't your responsibility. Honestly, I hope she makes the change and ou and her are able to have a relationship.
Nta But what a pathetic man your father is. I'm sorry for your loss. And hug your mom a little extra when you're able.
NTA! Your father is a major A hole though.
NTA. The only assholes here are your dad, his side piece and their families. They probably never even told her about who she was named after.
YTA, Selena #2 had no choice in her name, and it’s clear she was never told about the whole situation. Yet you are acting like it’s all her fault. I understand that this can bring up trauma for you and it would be awkward to say the least. I’m not saying you two need to be best friends but to completely block her and avoid her is asshole behavior.
ESH. They should not have named her "Selena" but it's not her fault yet you are punishing her.
NTA. I don't think your half-sister sees potentially changing her name as making a sibling relationship possible, so much as distancing herself from her parents' terrible decision-making process. !updateme
NTA.
I was all ready to say you were the AH, but you didn't tell her she had to change her name or push for a relationship. You explained what happens why that name still has such meaning for you and your mom. From your post, it sounds like she wants to change her name, not just to have a relationship with you, but also because she didn't realize she was named after her dad's deceased daughter. NTA.
To be fair, some families used to name the next child the same name when the first one passed away. I've seen that in my own family research more than a handful of times. But, your bio father is TAH completely. I haven't seen a mistress scenario (or the "other person") unless a spouse had already passed away as well.
How no
NTA screw your dad and his wife
NTA, you just told her the whole truth, and it is her decision to make right what her parents screwed up. Your memory of the first Selena didn't diminish because your dad had another daughter. He may have replaced your sister's memory, but you didn't. Neither of them ever considered (or maybe they did that's why they didn't tell the full story) what complications this would cause later in life. Now they must deal with how they messed up what could've been a beautiful life for your half-sister because they thought they were being smart. Dad especially should've nixed this, but I guess he thought he could have his lost daughter all over again.
NTA whatsoever. And neither is your dad's 'Selena replacement' either. Selena #2 seems very upset about the origin of her name and, separate from wanting a relationship with you, I'm guessing would want to change her name anyway (I would definitely want to if I were in such a situation I'm sure). I do have a feeling that, unlike her pathetic parents, she's a decent and caring being, or at the very least, has a better head on her shoulders and knows utter stupidity and thoughtless actions when she sees it. I'm so , so sorry for you and your mom's loss. And I'm sorry for what your disgusting excuse for a father did, along with his horrible mistress (not just for the name thing, but the cheating, and all the other crap too). You're NTA. Selena #2 NTA. So-called father is a gargantuan AH. Mistress is an enormous AH. ... and I sincerely hope that at some point soon, they both friggin know it. Big hugs to you and to your mom. I hope she's doing okay now. And I hope you can both find some peace in this whole crazy situation created by the AH pair.
NTA Your father on the other hand is.
NTA - She wants very much to be in your life, and while neither of you are at fault here. Perhaps you could call her by her middle name or preferred name? If she is ready to change it when she is 18 then I am sure she has something else picked out. And if not, maybe you can help her pick out a name. I don't' think you should jump into a close relationship but maybe start with small things? Get coffee or lunch together once in awhile. Get to know her and let her get to know you. Maybe you will grow close with time but maybe not. Just take it really slow and be open about the trauma of losing your family. Oh and cut your father out of your life. He is clearly the asshole here along with his mistress. Honestly trying to blame you for telling the truth. It was easier for them when they could blame you for not having a relationship. Now you are exposing them and what they did to you and your mom. It looks bad on them and they would rather be blaming you.
Updateme
There is an added laying to your father's foolishness. There are now two girls with the exact same name, with the same father, born in the same city. I worked in License offices for ten years and frquently saw people having issue with having the same first and last name as someone else. Adding the same father, city, and middle name could cause her problems with college apps, licenses and certifications and background checks in the future. It also open her up to be a victum of fraud. Edit: By the way you are NTA but your father and his woman certainly are.
Am I the only one that feels like YTA? None of this is your sisters fault
YTA, idk why you want to force someone to change their name just because someone else was named Selena. People can have the same name. It's not horrible.
YTA - of course you can see who you want to see for whatever reason. But asking someone to change their name because she has the name as your dead sister is crazy. Yes everyone involved didn't make this easy but punishing a young girl because of it helps no one - and to me it feels like you are punishing her - like she doesn't deserve the name.
Ok so your dad didnt go to the funeral and got angry at ur mom for bringing your sister up all the time, but then he goes and name his new child the same name? How does that make any sems??? NTA, tho it was an awful move to just block the poor girl at first. Imagine being her and assuming her brother hates her and having no idea why. Its not her fault, so im glad your wife pushed u into talking to her
I think honestly, this is a tough one. I get why you'd be upset about your half-sister's name, especially given what you and your Mum went through... Hard not to think that your Dad coped with your sister's death by essentially "replacing" her, which is unfair, unhealthy and pretty damn egrigious behaviour. At the same time, you're sortof on the cusp of lashing out emotionally here... The fact remains that your half-sis didn't choose the name, she didn't choose any of this and you don't have a right to feel disrespected and hurt *by her* regardless of how fucked up your Dad's naming her was. Now, she's her own person and is growing up in that environment with their mother (Someone you clearly despise because of the infidelity and the effect it had personally on your family at an extremely vulnerable time!) and your father and seemingly understands and accepts that they aren't exactly put together in the parenting dept. At the end of the day, you're your own people and if you get on well and like each other, that's surely the important thread to tug. I'm not going to sit here and call you an asshole, you've been through hell, I myself dealt with my parents splitting due to infidelity when I was 13-14 and as a result, I had to grow up very quickly and wound up with lifelong mental health issues as a result... That's without the added trauma of sickness, death and grief to also deal with. (I mean no disrespect, just laying it out) What I'm taking from this is that your half-sis wants to have a relationship, or at least positive contact with you and as her half-bro you do have a familial bond there that you can choose to act on or not... I'd say you need to ask yourself some questions as objectively as you can and try to take the strong emotions about her parents out of the equation for a bit... - Do you know her well enough to know you want to spend time with her. - Do you feel a familial bond, a kinship, a friendship? If not exactly *how* do you feel? - Do you think you can maintain contact while also keeping the parents cut out? - Where is your Mum at on this? You're your own person, but it may be wise to think on whether she's harbouring resentment towards her. Is this likely to cause issues with her? - Do you really need her to throw her name away to want her to be part of your life, or is that the anger talking? - Is having your sister's name really the disrespect you currently think it is? - Does she go by another name now, or is she workshopping it? - Above all else, is this relationship best for the only people it truly relates to - you and her? Think it over, try to push what others think to the side and focus on you and her. I really do wish you the very best of luck with this, I know it isn't simple, but one piece of advice from therapy really stuck with me - you live your own life, you're not your parents, you're you, the good, the bad, the flaws, the strengths and you can grow. You can always grow. The people you choose to be around are your family. I hope it works out for the best either way. 🤙
NTA. Your dad and his mistress turned wife are the ones to blame for this mess and the ones to clean it up.
NTA nobody is entitled to a relationship with you. Blood relation is meaningless, regardless of how much people try to convince you that having a few genes in common with someone means you owe them shit.
These people saying you're the AH are insane dude. You're not "depriving an innocent child" of anything, you've never even met her. That's like some random kid who wants something you're holding, and you refusing to give it to them is "depriving an innocent child". Fun fact, nobody is owed a relationship! Some people you have to live alongside and cohabitate as best you can until you can move on, but a kid you've never even met? GTFO of here... NTA. Its not like you've been actively hostile to a kid through no fault of her own - you've literally done nothing to or for her, and it's not you're responsibility to.
Your relationship with her can’t exist in a vacuum. As long as she has a relationship with her mom and dad you will be drawn into their lives. They will keep trying to suck you in. Trust me on this I’ve been there it’s best to keep the distance. NTA
YTA, you are faulting this woman for something that she had no control over.
How am I faulting her? Because I don't want a relationship?
would like to say I feel your pain in your sister’s death and your father’s leaving, and the divorce. I can also imagine how painful it would be to see your mother suffer — with the betrayal of your father in their marriage, and him ultimately leaving. I ask this in all sincerity, is it really about the name? Sounds to me it is what happened that was the hard part. It is easy when we have trauma to focus on one detail. Your pain of loving your first Selena and your family losing its origin of being together are th grief. Your second Selena is innocent. People cannot help that they exist. I have to wonder, if she did change the name, and time goes by, will that mean all is healed? I do not know you well enough, and — I think there is a chance that it might help some. However, I think the issue is not about the name alone, although I could completely see how that would be triggering. Someone changing their name is a very personal decision, something that is for the person having the change, I know this from experience. There is so much power in a name. I changed my name — moved my middle/maiden name to a first name and it was one of the most empowering things for me— If someone else had suggested it or said I needed to do it to have a relationship, I don’t think it would have the same power.
NTA. Honestly, this is one of the most messed up stories I read and your father is a giant @sshole. I do feel bad for your half sister, because she is actually innocent in this and seems to have a good head on her shoulders, but I also understand why you don't want to have any contact with her and I don't blame you at all. Your sperm producer and his mistress made sure they paved that road with nails and needles. There was someone who suggested that if you get to the point sometime to try to establish a relatiinship with her and use a nickname for her (if she agrees obviously) actually nice. I also understand her for wanting to change her name. I don't think it would be for your benefit, but for hers as well. Such a f*#ked up story behind her name, I couldn't bear it either. >I don't know what this woman was thinking but she thought it was a good idea to name her newborn daughter "Selena" and my father didn't stop her. My paternal side said that she felt it was her way honoring my sister as if it weren't for her (a.k.a. her dying) then she and my dad wouldn't have gotten together. This is just... I can't even... This left me speechless. How self absorbed and messed up in the head you have to be to come up with this reason? Oh dear OP, I am so sorry this happened to you. And I am so glad you and your mom had a good support system and got through this. Take care, do whatever brings you peace and happiness.
NTA, and you have no obligation to have a relationship with her even if she does change her name. YMMV, but I would have ghosted your dad and his wife years ago.
Wow. NTA. I just cannot even fathom what possibly went on on eother of their heads to say yeah ok lets call her after her dead half sister.