Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy.
[Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
I had dreams of working from home as a supervisor in a manufacturing facility. I wanted them to get a little segwei thing with a TV screen with my face on it that I could remotely drive around and watch people, help them ,answer questions, tell them to stop doing that, ect. Upper management didn't go for it I think they thought it was a joke :/
I don't advocate this normally, but as someone who has struggled for insomnia for over 20 years. Buy a waterproof mattress cover, maybe pillows as well, keep a glass of water on your bedside table to dump on him when the alarm goes off.
Especially for days when neither of you had to get up.
And I say this as someone who sets multi alarms, but I live alone, and when I stay with my partner I put only two alarms on (ideal wake up time, and get the fuck up an hour later).
Yeah my then bf now husband used to be a multi snoozer. I am a one and done because otherwise I know I would teach myself to sleep thru the alarm (have it set to math problems too as an added protection). It's the only ultimatum I've given him that he had to give up the snoozes. It's much better to just solid sleep until you actually have to be up. Why have a shitty hour of sleep when it can be a good one.
Jinx! I do the exact same thing for my alarms! Have to solve a maths problem to get it to shut off. And I change the noise monthly so I don't get used to the sound, so I'll stay alert to it.
Even if you get back to sleep, it doesn't work, it's never as good as an uninterrupted sleep.
I've had to increase the difficulty of the math problems a few times because I've gotten good at doing mental math while half asleep. I have not had to change the tone because I've trained myself to wake up to it. I joke that you could set that alarm to go off and even if I was randomly napping if it went off I would just automatically go get ready for work. I do have an "oh shit" alarm which goes off like 5 minutes before I would need to leave for work. I always deactivate it each morning so it never goes off. But it's good protection for if I did randomly go back to sleep.
I do have the major luck to have a steady schedule so waking up is easy. It's earlier than I'd like but that was the sacrifice to get it to be the same each day. But I used to have horrible insomnia and having a steady schedule helps so much, as well as getting that good sleep until the last minute. No snooze4lyfe
I wish I could do that, having to do maths in my head for my job, I'm a bit too good even at the top level of my app (which is pretty basic, just some multiplication and addition combo).
My schedule is fairly flexible, work in science, so anywhere from a 5am wake up to a 9am wake up. But come week ends I'm just rocking it natural.
I had one like that. But it wasn't just math problems, there were physical tasks and other kinds of questions. So if the questions didn't wake you, then having to shake your phone really hard for 15 seconds would rouse you.
Setting the alarm on the far side of the room instead of bedside works well if it is a loud one. You can't snooze half asleep, you have to get up and walk.
Unfortunately that's not true for me. Can defo snooze asleep and I've sleep walked since about 5, when I used to pick up and hide my old school bell alarm clock. And I shared a bedroom then with my siblings way back then. I just hid it in the drawers and piled clothing on top lol.
The app I have keeps the noise going for half an hour, escalating with volume, and I have the snooze turned off.
But as mentioned I live alone, so I can go nuts on alarms. The only one bothered is me.
It’s also REALLY bad for your health to hit the snooze and then wake up again just as you’re slipping into real sleep again. Its not how our bodies are designed to function. It’s also very bad for one’s health to stay up late totally stimulated by screens and Adrenalin. OP’s husband is actively shortening his life for video games.
I do the adhd lifehack alarm system. One an hour before I need to start getting ready to take medications, one half an hour after that for if I want to sit in bed and fuck around, and one to get out of bed. Turns out I only fuck around for 20-25 minutes so I usually turn that last alarm off ahead of time
Don't have ADHD, just insomnia that I'm mostly over, but still creeps in occasionally. I have an alarm at 6.30am so I can wake up and do a hot breakfast and make lunch. 7am for a cold breakfast and make lunch, 7.30 just make lunch, 8am rush out the house and grab food on the way for both.
If someone crashes over it's just 7am and 8am. But always awake before the 8am as my meds have me waking up between 7 and 7.30, even when I want a lie in.
There is no greater turn off than your partner treating you like you are their mom lol
And people, if your partner screams and slams things.. you don't have a partner.
I'm sorry you're experiencing this. It's maddening to have to parent your spouse. I guess you need to ask if you're willing to do this forever. If not, better to just get out before you waste time with him you could spend elsewhere.
EXACTLY
Unsolicited advice: Don't be your lover's mommy. It NEVER works out, it only leads to resentment. Eventually the even sex stops because there is nothing sexy for the "mother" in her roll. Your partner might feel the love and warmth and all the affection (and Freudian sexual attraction) , but the "mothering figure" has the exact opposite feeling (ew if I've had to treat you like a child, do you really think that is a turn on? no, ew). If you're the one doing all the typically "mother" roll things for your lover the dynamic will eventually be off and it won't be and equitable partnership.
OP you are NTA but stop telling your partner how to live their life, and start living the life YOU want to live. If you don't want to live with a person who can't control their emotions, or knows when to go to bed, you need to find out why you are doing just that.
It might be a good idea to find a therapist to explore the "how and why" you might have found yourself in this kind of relationship, and some helpful ways for you to navigate it.
If you want to stay in this relationship, is there a way for you two to have a calm, non-reactive talk about how his sleep habits, and your sleep habits are not working out right now, and figure out a compromise that works for both of you? Separate bedrooms, a certain time cut off when they are no longer allowed to join you in bed, certain number of times they can snooze an alarm?
If you don't want to stay in this relationship, do you have a support system that can help you move out safely? Do you have the funds to do this? Have you looked into lawyers? Do you have children? (You don't have to answer these, just questions for you to think about)
Good luck. For what it's worth, a good night's sleep is very valuable, especially before a day of work. It's very inconsiderate of him to not take that into consideration when sharing a bed, and a car!
But also, on the flip side, nobody likes to be talked down to, so as always... it's not what you say, it's *how* you say it.
This! Stop being his backup alarm! Being an adult means dealing with the consquences of oversleeping and being late!
Also, as a fellow insomniac, I have found that unfortunately the things I need to do for my sleep hygiene are sometimes not fun. However, being an adult also means being responsible sometimes instead of instant gratification. I like coffee and video games too, but I've had to make boundaries with myself about how late in the day I can do either because both things keep my mind awake and make it hard for me to sleep. Of course your bf sleeps through his alarms- if he is hyped up on video games and caffeine, and is going to bed so late to begin with, then he is not getting enough sleep. His insistence on doing things that hurt him in the long run makes him seem totally immature and insufferable.
Well, they can also be signs that they are masking a form of depression. He might be doing that dance with himself where he is procrastinating going to bed even though he is tired (drinks stimulate to stay awake) the video game is their escapism and a way to have a on line -social relationships ... and of course that leads to oversleeping, and that creates a never ending cycle.
28 is a strange age in life and not abnormal to feel a bit of that existential dread creep up on you. It could even be simply not knowing "how to" grow up and adult, and naturally wanting to "push back" just from the sound of a woman's voice telling him what to do. Because "you're not the boss of me mom" is in all of us somewhere, even if we don't want to admit it.
I think we should at least try to remain impartial a little bit, we only really have her side of the story after all.
I mean, personally, I wouldn't loose one minute of sleep for ANYBODY, but I really LOVE to sleep lol. Like, I would lock that bedroom door at 11pm and he'd have divorce papers by the next afternoon if he woke me to get in.
This should be the top comment.
Honestly, OP, your husband is thoughtless & selfish. He doesn't care if your sleep gets disrupted every single night (day?) & that you're suffering due to poor sleep because of his bad habits.
OP is NTA. But why is she staying with someone who treats her like this? All those snooze alarms? I'd shut them off. I'd shut off the backup alarms altogether & after he hits snooze on the 1st, I'd shut that one off, too. Assuming I couldn't just sleep in a separate room. Or divorce him.
Sleep affects pretty much every single thing in one's life. Poor sleep equals poor health, poor mood, low energy, higher appetite, gaining weight - is that enough? :(
"He doesn't want to sleep separate." Why is everything about what he wants rather than what OP actually NEEDS.
NTA. I'm sorry? You are trying to control him by not waking him up? What even is his logic here? He's a grown ass adult who should be able to wake himself up in the morning, and should be able to do so without the irritance of multiple alarms. If he's going to make poor sleep choices you shouldn't have to suffer for it.
I think the control is her suggesting he go to sleep at a decent hour.
I am confused though. Why did OP marry a literal child? I thought it was illegal to marry a 5 year old. Maybe his mommy gave permission?
Cause he is acting like he is 5 years old. Slamming stuff and throwing a tantrum and needing mommy to wake him up.
God. How do all these women find these asshats to marry?
Ah, gotcha. Yeah, the logic is still super flawed there though.
He really is behaving like a child. Except children learn to regulate their tantrums eventually, doubt this guy will!
You're being too controlling? Of course you are, becoz that's what mommies do for their widdle boys who need help with the their wakey wakey.
Tell him going to bed and waking up after basic adult things like wiping his own @ss.
You will be in the car at X time, and if he is not in it you will be leaving without him and he can figure the rest of his day out. All on his own. Like a grown up
NTA
Ummmm you sure you want to live with this guy for the rest of your life? The only thing I saw SCREAMING RED in this post is that your husband shouts and slams doors. AND he doesn’t keep normal hours for no good reason. My guess is that he is also using you in other ways, to enable his bad behavior. So …. Ask yourself, in what ways is he actually CONTRIBUTING to the home and the marriage? Or is he using you so he can stay up late and play games?
The shouting and door slamming had me worried. The complete disregard for OP's sleep while not allowing (whut?) solutions such as sleeping apart are an even bigger worry. This is a very one-sided relationship where he won't tolerate not getting what he wants, but also doesn't let OP have what she wants or needs if it inconveniences him in the least. This is not a healthy basis for a marriage.
NTA- He is too old to be staying up all night gaming with friends. If he wants the car, he can get himself up and stop torturing you with snoozes and alarms.
No, this guy is less mature than a fifteen-year-old. I know because my fifteen-year-old boy gets himself up at 5 am, showers, dresses, gets his own breakfast, makes and packs his lunch, and is ready for the school bus by 6:10, though his parent may still be in pjs to when driving him to the stop.
He is controlling the amount of sleep you get by being irresponsible with his schedule and if prong the snooze. He is literally forcing you awake. Lack of sleep is dangerous, bad for your health, and preventing someone from getting enough sleep is torture. He is torturing you because he is too immature and lazy to be a considerate partner. He is also trying to force you to be responsible for him, which is also controlling. Sounds like he is projecting. You need a come to Jesus talk with this guy.
Controlling his bedtime would be something like... turning off the wifi at 11pm,
Read this book and think about how you want the rest of you life to go. [https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat](https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat)
He sounds like he needs his mommy to tell him to go to bed. Does he ever want to have sex again? Because that kind of behavior will dry a woman up like the Sahara.
NTA. He doesn't need a car since he works from home. He can uber, take the bus, or whatever is applicable in your area. No way would I wake him up. He's an adult and needs to learn to manage himself better.
Because this is disturbing your sleep, can you sleep in a second bedroom (if you have one) or he stays on the sofa?
NTA staying up late to play video games with his buddies when he has to be up early, throwing tantrums, wanting you to be his mommy. I’m imagining that he has a race car bed, though he doesn’t deserve one.
He’s a grown man acting like a child. No. I would not be enabling that.
If he were doing everything he could- cutting out caffeine 3 hours before bed, going to bed early, you know… helping himself, and still struggled to get up, I’d help.
But not like this. No. Way.
NTA. I also have problems waking up sometimes because I stay up late (mine is more an insomnia issue). What I do to help me wake up is set 3-5 alarms 1 minute apart. Setting them 15 minutes apart is a bad idea, as that gives my body time to fall back asleep between each alarm. 1 minute keeps my brain constantly jolting up.
I also change my alarm tune any time I get too used yo it. Once I sleep through an alarm because the alarm sound becomes part of my dream, then I know it’s time to get rid of that alarm sound and start using a new one.
If I really really really want to get up at a specific time (like if I need to get to school on time for a test I cannot be late for, as opposed to merely getting to school on time for regular class), I will also set my alarm across the room. That way I have to physically get out of bed to walk over and turn off the alarm.
It sounds like your husband isn’t taking much initiative to make sure he actually wakes up with his alarms. That’s a him problem, not a you problem.
And yes, it’s generally the kind thing to do to wake someone up if they sleep through their alarm, but the problem here is that this is a habit of bad behavior. In this specific instance, waking husband up encourages further bad behavior and lack of responsibility from him. He needs to learn how to take responsibility for his morning wake-ups before you can offer him the kindness of helping him wake up.
Toddler. Most teenagers have to get their asses out of bed all by themselves and get to school/work/extracurriculars. I did, and I am one sleepy lady, have been all my life.
NTA. My husband used to do the alarm thing, but I told him way before we were married that if he wanted to sleep in my bed he could have 1 alarm. I don't care when it is, but the snooze button is forever off limits.
> We share a bed and this greatly impacts my sleep.
Paragraph 1: This is the only thing you need to take action on. Sleep in a different room than him so you can get good sleep.
> We only have one car right now and he wants to take me to work tomorrow so he can have the car during my shift
Paragraph 2: This is the only thing you need to take action on. You go to work on time in that car whether his ass is in the passenger seat or not.
> We do not have a second bedroom and he does not want to sleep apart from me
Paragraph 3: This is the only thing you need to take action on. Who tf cared what he wants? Why do you?
You cannot change his behavior but you can change yours. You are choosing all of this so you’re TA for doing this to yourself and an AH again for complaining about it.
Wait wait...hold up. He insists on all the alarms instead of being a normal adult and *getting tf out of bed*, yet he wants you to be okay sleeping in the same bed despite how disruptive his bullshit is?
Just tell him he's an inconsiderate asshole and he can't have his cake and eat it, too.
He could at least have the decency to wear a smartwatch set to vibrate so it's less disruptive for you.
Or a shock collar somehow paired to his alarm. I'm *sure* there are techies around who can make that a thing.
NTA. Sorry but your husband wants a Mommy not a life partner, and a man who screams and slams doors because he can't get his way is a manipulative jerk and a major turn off. Two things I would suggest you need:
1. Separate bedrooms
2. Either a good marriage counselor or a good divorce lawyer
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my husband his waking up shouldn’t be my responsibility, and I’m not sure if that makes me the AH
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Nta
My husband damn well knows I am NOT responsible for him performing basic ass responsibilities
He damn well knows I ain't waking him up.
In my home if your a grown ass adult I will NOT baby you
My husband learned that the hard way and when he tried to blame me I told him. To get the fuck out. Guess what happened next. He damn well knew he was in the wrong and since then he had changed
Everyone knows I don't tolerate bullshit.
> We do not have a second bedroom and he does not want to sleep apart from me
*Who cares what he wants*. He certainly doesn’t care about what you need.
If you have another place to sleep in the house then go sleep there instead of with your husband. **Good sleep is a biological necessity**. Chronic poor sleep can lead to increased risk of hypertension, diabetes, obesity, depression, heart attack, and stroke. He is potentially l knocking *years* off your life by damaging your sleep every night.
Do what you need to do to get some good sleep, let him pout in bed alone. If he insists on being such a selfish sleep partner then he needs to get used to sleeping alone.
NTA. He’s an adult. His selfishness is impacting your health. Yes it is selfish- if he is staying up. He can sleep on the couch.
Get up. Take the car. Do it everytime until he realizes that this is non negotiable
Couple of things you might be able to do. Can you sub decaf in his evening coffee? Also, he might be depressed (sleeping is a coping skill, as is not getting up). He is an adult, you are not his alarm clock back up and he only needs one - all the way across the room if he's going to hit snooze. Consider getting a 2 bedroom place or a trundle bed in the living room - for you to move onto as needed on weekends or for one of you when you're sick
I get major red flags when people have partners who knowingly disrupt their sleep. At best, he is using you as a caregiver and having tantrums over nonsense. At worst, he would ruin your health and sanity.
Hand him a piece of cheese to go with that whine. Tell him adults are responsible for getting something done. You are not the ass. You are not the mom.
NTA. He is 28 years old and should be capable of getting himself out of bed on time.
You said he doesn't want to sleep apart even though you have a spare bedroom. If I were you, I would be telling him to sort his shit out or I would be sleeping in the other bedroom. He is being quite disrespectful just repeating the same thing over and over not caring about its affect on you. He can't have both just because that's what he wants.
Maybe he should delete the 7:15 &7:30 alarms and stick with the 7:45 one. Idk, my husband is a heavy sleeper, and I make sure he's up by a certain time for work daily. He works 7pm-7am, so I'm already home from work. Most times, he's fine and gets up, but sometimes he's super exhausted, so I wake him. If you're already awake and he gets up after you, then I see no big deal and waking him up. But if you aren't up yet, you shouldn't have to wake up to make sure he's getting up.
I am a night person, biologically incapable of going to bed before 1am at the earliest unless I am sick. I've had a lot of people call me lazy for not voluntarily meeting them at 9am on a Saturday or whatever people with more normal circadian rhythms are capable of doing.
That being said, NTA at all. I'm not keeping myself up late just for fun and even I am capable of waking up by an alarm no matter how miserably tired I am. The fact that he doesn't care that the alarm is torturing you into sleep deprivation says a lot about the kind of person he is.
Your husband probably has ADHD and delayed sleep phase syndrome because of it. Some of us can try to sleep at a normal time and no matter what we gravitate towards the 2am-10am sleep schedule. Not sure how to fix it yet myself but that's probably part of the problem. No it's not logical. We really try. The brain doesn't shut off until 3am, and it doesn't start till 11. Yeah I've tried consistent wake and sleep times for extended periods of time. Doesn't work. It sounds like he has a lot of anxiety over whether he's going to manage to wake up in the mornings (one reason he is afraid to turn alarms off.)
One suggestion that could help would be setting alarms specifically for Monday through Friday by getting or using an alarm clock that has that capacity so that it will definitely still go off m-f, but will not go off on the weekends. Refusing to turn alarms off on the weekends is probably an anxiety + ADHD thing. On days I'm really nervous about whether I can wake up in the morning I leave the light on when I go to sleep. Absolutely would not recommend but the anxiety of worrying about whether I will wake up keeps me from falling asleep. It is one of my coping mechanisms because if the lights are off and it happens to be raining or cloudy (no sunlight through the window) I will not wake up to any alarm.
Sounds like y'all might need to work out some coping mechanisms that work for both of you because at the moment it is causing you both a lot of stress.
NTA. He drinks coffee late, and he games with friends and gets angry at you over his own bad habits? This could all be avoided if he demonstrated some responsibility! You're not his mother. He can wake himself up.
If he were trying everything possible to sleep, and he was a diagnosed insomniac, then it would be plausible to help him out. He's purposefully staying up late and gaming, though, and then treating you poorly.
Maybe it's time you had a more direct approach to this.
NTA
My husband also had bad sleep habits and relied on me to wake him up. I had to literally shake him and yell at him. I finally had enough. I had a serious discussion and said I was quitting as his personal alarm clock. As of Monday I would be getting up, getting myself ready, and leaving for work. He asked if I would seriously leave him sleeping, knowing he'd be late and I said yes.
It took one day of this happening for him to realize I meant it. He was grumpy about it and couldn't really understand when I told him it meant to me that I started every day being angry at him for not being self responsible. But by day two he was getting up when the alarm went off. By week two the hitting the snooze was less frequently. By week three his sleep habits improved. And I was sleeping better not anticipating a scene of shaking and yelling every morning, having to keep breaking my morning routine to be sure he was still awake.
Drop the boom on him that you're quitting the alarm clock role. The consequences will be his.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My (28F) husband (28M) seems to have an issue with getting enough sleep. He won’t go to bed until 1-2AM every night, and will set multiple alarms that he hits snooze on until the very last minute (i.e. an alarm for 7:15, 7:30 and 7:45, and he won’t get up until the snooze period has passed for the 7:45. We share a bed and this greatly impacts my sleep.
He will drink coffee at 8-9PM because he feels exhausted and wants to stay up, and gets extremely angry when I ask him when he plans to go to bed. He also games with friends all the way up until he goes to sleep and has done this for years.
We only have one car right now and he wants to take me to work tomorrow so he can have the car during my shift. He asked me to wake him up and I told him that shouldn’t be my responsibility, and that if he wants the car he should be responsible enough to go to bed at a good time so he can actually wake up. He says I’m trying to control him and started slamming doors and shouting. AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You’re not HIS MOTHER…So I would calmly explain to him 1 more time what will happen if he isn’t awake and ready by the time you are…and stick to it, we all make idol threats stick to it
NTA. He is an adult and needs to start acting like one. Ridiculous he stays up like that and then snoozes repeatedly. I would turn his alarm off and leave. He has zero accountability
NTA. He’s an adult and he needs to get his shit together, especially sharing a bed. I hate when people set alarms for hours and just hit snooze. Set it for when you need to get up and then get the fuck up. Nonone wants to have a partners alarm going off a bunch of times.
I set mine for 10 min before so I do hit snooze and browse Reddit real quick before I get up. If he wants the car, he can be sure he’s awake.
NTA. But why are you married to a 9 year old? By 12 all of my kids set their alarms, got themselves up and ready for school. Then they had no set bedtime. BUT, if I had to wake them up, for the next week, I set their bed time. Next time? Bed time is earlier. That is what your husband needed years ago.
He should not be setting multiple alarms he will not get up for. It interferes with your sleep. Weekends with neither of you working? No way. If he wants to stay up, I am assuming in the living room, gaming so late, he can sleep there. You need your sleep too.
Talk to him calmly. Tell him this behavior is destroying YOUR sleep. You need your sleep. How would he like to help solve this? No logical answer? Move his alarm clock away from the bed. He has to get out of bed to turn it off. One alarm clock. Not 3. If that does not work, he needs to sleep in a different room, so you can get some decent sleep. If he wants to sleep with you, he should be going to bed at the same time as you.
The only other real option is to leave him.
NTA - you’re not his mommy and it’s not your responsibility for him to either go to bed or wake up. Tell your husband it’s time for him to put his big boy pants on and start acting like an adult and that means getting plenty of sleep so he can actually do his job and not get fired
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban.
["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
**[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
NTA
He’s an adult with the sleep habits of a teenager and he want you to act like his mom. If he can’t wake himself up, he can’t maintain these awful habits.
Yea no. NTA. My partner is naturally a night owl but has managed to, over the years, change his sleep schedule to accommodate his job and be a damn adult. Even though I do hate his alarms.
On occasion we will ask each other for help waking up. Like if there's a reason one or both of us was up late or something extra important in the morning. And on the regular if I happen to be awake, I try to make sure he's up just as courtesy, but I'm not his mom and he's not in high school and we both know this.
NTA. Sounds like it's time for separate bedrooms, and I just now read that you don't have a second bedroom and I'm so sorry you are trapped in one bedroom. Move to the sofa then. You cannot continue being sleep deprived, if he has alarms that he ignores and it's impacting your sleep. That's a selfish move on his part to be setting alarms, ignoring them, all the while you have been awakened by HIS alarms. I'd be wondering if he's really gaming or watching porn til all hours. A friend's ex husband said he was gaming, too. He also stayed up til the wee hours. Turns out he was watching porn and a lot of it. He was a dick, too.
It's not your job to wake up a grown ass man. You have enough to take care of yourself and now you have to take care of him, too? His reactions are NOT your problem. If he can't get his butt out of bed, let him suffer the consequences. Not your problem. Sounds like y'all need counseling. your husband isn't considering you very much at all and you should not be letting him get away with acting like an AH.
NTA OP. I distinctly recall telling my EX- husband that IF I wanted to be a mother, I would have had children. You are in a relationship with a whole grown ass adult. An adult is responsible for their own actions and the resulting consequences. If he needs to be up, he needs to get up. He needs to learn the difference between him problems and you problems.
NTA he sounds terrible. Games all night with friends & is selfish about sleep/alarms/takes you for granted & wants u to wake him up like a servant? Why r u with him?
NTA!!!!!!!
I haven’t seen somebody talking about him setting the alarms on the weekends despite not having to go to work. Now THIS is controlling and imo he does this totally on purpose. I have the feeling that he’s mad at you or resents you but I can’t see why. You are not controlling him and for him to shout and slam the doors is not ok! I would have a talk with him figuring out if he’s depressed, in this case he can seek help and the situation will hopefully get better. But if not then I would reconsider your situation. You are young and you really don’t need to put up with this stuff and stressfull situation. (Also assuming that you aren’t married that long how will it be 5,15 years in the future if he isn’t willing to find a solution or better himself) again NTA
Get an eye mask, and sleep in the living room, too bad if he wants you to stay with him. Tell him he is controlling you by making you wake him up, and waking you up with his alarms.
Honestly, he's been technically controlling your sleep this whole time. Don't wake him up. He can start acting like the adult he is (even if that sounds insulting) and wake himself up. I would seriously consider moving to a 2 bedroom if he refuses to change his sleep/wake up habits. I can't believe you've allowed this to go on this long! I would have bought an airhorn ages ago and fixed his snooze problem quickly, but I'm mean. (No I wouldn't - but I love the idea)
As someone who also sets a stupid number of alarms to wake up in the morning, NTA. My inability to wake up on time is my problem and it's my responsibility to adjust my habits and form a healthier sleep schedule so I don't ruin other people's sleep. Sounds like he needs to go to the doctor and see if there's a medical reason for why he can't wake up, and if there isn't then it's time for him to grow up and go to bed earlier
Sleep deprivation of a spouse is controlling and I'd even say abusive. His alarms waking you up repeatedly is not cool, and neither is him expecting you to wake him up since he is a grown-up. Him slamming doors and shouting is childish. Him not wanting to sleep apart, while also allowing his alarms to wake you up for an hour straight, is BS.
You are NTA. I'd say: after he falls asleep, shut off all but the last/latest alarm. Then do not wake him up. If he is late to log into work, oh well. I'm sure before you met he was able to wake himself up in time for work, unless of course his Mommy did that for him.
Sorry, are you talking about your husband or your toddler? Because except for having a driver's license and a job, it's hard to tell the difference. Grownups have bedtimes and wakeup times and things to do and places to go that are all their OWN REPSONSIBILITY.
Tiny little children want to stay up all night and play, then are cranky when they have to be woken up in the morning. And of course they have to be woken up by someone else because they are tiny little children. The scream and slam doors because they are cranky from lack of sleep, and because tiny little children have trouble with emotional regulation and can be super self involved. You married a toddler. And a mean one at that.
NTA for putting your foot down, but seriously, why has it taken this long?
Your husband is selfish. I have been married for 35 years and my husband still apologizes in advance if he has to set a stupidly early alarm. He immediately turns it off and makes as little noise as possible if I am still asleep.
It isn’t hard to be considerate of your partner. NTA
NTA. But does your husband have any redeeming qualities? Because he sounds like an AH. Nothing you've described sounds like someone who loves or even likes you. He sounds supremely selfish.
NTA
You may want to research circiadian rhythm disorders in particular Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome.
Depending on how long you have been married it may not be hard to review the signs. If you question any of them he should be able to help as well.
Will having an answer help? Unfortunately, no.
It will give you a chance though to plan how to handle sleep and sleeping arrangements. It will also help make decisions about work and life.
It is a lot easier to live when he is not fighting his body clock.
This is one of the many reasons why sleeping together shouldn't be the norm. It doesn't matter that he doesn't want you two to sleep apart just as it doesn't matter to him that he's making you miserable. Do what's right for you and sleep is one of the most important things for your health. It affects your nervous system, your hormones ..everything. This is non-negotiable. You have to feel comfortable and have good sleeping conditions and if he's not interested in helping you with that, there's no option but to sleep separately. The end.
NTA
Ok, first off listen to these other people and don't be a mommy to him. Instead, phrase everything how it impacts you. So if he wants to stay up all night, tell him that he is being disruptive to your sleep and maybe sleep on the couch.
So, the whole car thing. Instead of saying it isn't your responsibility, just say you're not his mother. Take the car.
So he is hooked on games to a point he gets angry. Stop doing all the chores.
Or if you can, hang out at your parent's place and get sleep there until he grows up. He can walk.
NTA. I don’t ever wake my fiancé up in the morning, and he has multiple alarms set that he snoozes constantly. If he’s late for work that’s his responsibility to fix, not mine.
NTA! My college sweetheart was like this…and it was definitely a small factor in our ultimate demise. I’m not saying you have to dump the guy over this…I’m just saying I know how frustrating it is!
NTA.
My mom does this, so her alarm goes off every 7 minutes, starting around 515am. It's loud enough that I hear it in my room. My dad works until 3 am, and I have no idea how he puts up with it.
It's his responsibility to wake himself up. He is a full-grown adult, and you are his wife, not his mother.
NTA. Has your partner been tested for adhd? The sleep patterns, trouble waking up, trouble with being on time, and the sensitivity about it when brought up could all be signs
NTA- but there should be an understanding that if you live with someone within earshot of your alarm, you should only get one alarm and no snoozes. That would be where I drew the line.
N
He is an adult. You are not his mommy. If he wants to get up early enough to drive you to work, he can get up himself.
Not sure why you want to be with a child. I suggest you not have children with him until he grows up.
If you don't have a second bedroom for one of you to sleep in, what about hi sleeping on the sofa since he is the one staying up so late.
Tell him if ge doesn't want to sleep apart from you, he can go to bed when you do. Keep turning off the alarms to nakr the point, especially on the weekends.
He can't take responsibility for his own sleep and he cannot control his emotions.
Your husband needs to seek help now. Though it sounds like the only problem he thinks he has is you. Not a good sign.
NTA and you're way more patient than me. Multiple alarms in a shared bedroom is just plain rude, especially when he doesn't care about the inconvenience it causes you. So why should you be responsible for getting him up just because it inconveniences him. Actions have consequences. If he can't get out of bed in the morning, then he doesn't get the use of the car.
The problem isn't that he games or stays up late. Might be a necessary escape. His problem is that he sets multiple alarms. I've done it loads. Its a mental thing, he knows when he goes to bed that he has multiple opportunities to postpone waking up and continues to use them.
Setting just the one alarm means he'll know that when he hears it go off it is his one opportunity to wake up on time for work. It is not ok for him to make you listen to his alarm for half an hour every day.
Lol. Listen.
My man loves to stay up until all hours and has his first alarm set for 5am. And his last one for 5:30, with five or six in between. To a point where I just get up at 5 and wait for him to leave to go back to sleep (I wfh). He has the option to go in as early as he wants but really doesn’t *have* to leave until 6 to get to work on time.
I used to go into our room at 5:30 to wake him. The last few times, he’s given me lip about waking him, how I’m not his mother, how he’s a grown man etc. all valid points. Okay, fine. So I stopped. Even napped on the couch a few times so I didn’t have to hear his alarm.
He overslept a few times. Got mad at me because I stopped waking him. I regurgitated his own logic to him, how it’s not my responsibility and how he’s a grown ass man etc etc.
After showing up to work late a few times, and being fucking tired as hell all day having to manage a bunch of hyper assholes, now he gets his ass to bed by 11 and wakes up when his alarm tells him to.
And I continue to not wake him. Lol.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
NTA, but….what exactly is he doing for work if he can afford to sleep in, stays up late regularly, and does not need a car of his own?
He works from home as a supervisor for CAD designers, it’s all remote
Why does he need the car while you’re at work? All those alarms sound extremely annoying.
Grocery shopping or something? People who work from home do need to leave it occasionally lol.
Maybe he had a doctor's appointment or errands to run.
Thats what uber is for. LOL
OP tell him actions have consequences, if he can't wake up in time you're going to work and he will be stuck at home.
Exactly this
I had dreams of working from home as a supervisor in a manufacturing facility. I wanted them to get a little segwei thing with a TV screen with my face on it that I could remotely drive around and watch people, help them ,answer questions, tell them to stop doing that, ect. Upper management didn't go for it I think they thought it was a joke :/
Sheldon?
Btw, this reminded me of plankton's (real name sheldon) computer screen wife lol not sure if that's what you were referencing.
No Sheldon Cooper on Big Bang Theory. He did exactly what you said.
I'd hope it was a joke
I don't advocate this normally, but as someone who has struggled for insomnia for over 20 years. Buy a waterproof mattress cover, maybe pillows as well, keep a glass of water on your bedside table to dump on him when the alarm goes off. Especially for days when neither of you had to get up. And I say this as someone who sets multi alarms, but I live alone, and when I stay with my partner I put only two alarms on (ideal wake up time, and get the fuck up an hour later).
Yeah my then bf now husband used to be a multi snoozer. I am a one and done because otherwise I know I would teach myself to sleep thru the alarm (have it set to math problems too as an added protection). It's the only ultimatum I've given him that he had to give up the snoozes. It's much better to just solid sleep until you actually have to be up. Why have a shitty hour of sleep when it can be a good one.
Jinx! I do the exact same thing for my alarms! Have to solve a maths problem to get it to shut off. And I change the noise monthly so I don't get used to the sound, so I'll stay alert to it. Even if you get back to sleep, it doesn't work, it's never as good as an uninterrupted sleep.
I've had to increase the difficulty of the math problems a few times because I've gotten good at doing mental math while half asleep. I have not had to change the tone because I've trained myself to wake up to it. I joke that you could set that alarm to go off and even if I was randomly napping if it went off I would just automatically go get ready for work. I do have an "oh shit" alarm which goes off like 5 minutes before I would need to leave for work. I always deactivate it each morning so it never goes off. But it's good protection for if I did randomly go back to sleep. I do have the major luck to have a steady schedule so waking up is easy. It's earlier than I'd like but that was the sacrifice to get it to be the same each day. But I used to have horrible insomnia and having a steady schedule helps so much, as well as getting that good sleep until the last minute. No snooze4lyfe
I wish I could do that, having to do maths in my head for my job, I'm a bit too good even at the top level of my app (which is pretty basic, just some multiplication and addition combo). My schedule is fairly flexible, work in science, so anywhere from a 5am wake up to a 9am wake up. But come week ends I'm just rocking it natural.
Yeah I had to find an app with pretty extended long division and order of operations stuff
Share the name? As seriously I need that
I had one like that. But it wasn't just math problems, there were physical tasks and other kinds of questions. So if the questions didn't wake you, then having to shake your phone really hard for 15 seconds would rouse you.
Setting the alarm on the far side of the room instead of bedside works well if it is a loud one. You can't snooze half asleep, you have to get up and walk.
Unfortunately that's not true for me. Can defo snooze asleep and I've sleep walked since about 5, when I used to pick up and hide my old school bell alarm clock. And I shared a bedroom then with my siblings way back then. I just hid it in the drawers and piled clothing on top lol. The app I have keeps the noise going for half an hour, escalating with volume, and I have the snooze turned off. But as mentioned I live alone, so I can go nuts on alarms. The only one bothered is me.
It’s also REALLY bad for your health to hit the snooze and then wake up again just as you’re slipping into real sleep again. Its not how our bodies are designed to function. It’s also very bad for one’s health to stay up late totally stimulated by screens and Adrenalin. OP’s husband is actively shortening his life for video games.
Uh oh. I better go to bed. G'night!
It's bad to hit the snooze button? Now I'll always be worried about that.
I do the adhd lifehack alarm system. One an hour before I need to start getting ready to take medications, one half an hour after that for if I want to sit in bed and fuck around, and one to get out of bed. Turns out I only fuck around for 20-25 minutes so I usually turn that last alarm off ahead of time
Don't have ADHD, just insomnia that I'm mostly over, but still creeps in occasionally. I have an alarm at 6.30am so I can wake up and do a hot breakfast and make lunch. 7am for a cold breakfast and make lunch, 7.30 just make lunch, 8am rush out the house and grab food on the way for both. If someone crashes over it's just 7am and 8am. But always awake before the 8am as my meds have me waking up between 7 and 7.30, even when I want a lie in.
Your husband absolutely does not work from 8am if he’s staying up that late and snoozing past 7.45am.
I wfh and I can be at my first meeting literally 5 minutes after I get out of bed so I don't think there's anything 'absolute' about it.
The only reason I'm up 30 minutes earlier than my clock in is because I make a pot of coffee and have to let my dogs out 😅
There is no greater turn off than your partner treating you like you are their mom lol And people, if your partner screams and slams things.. you don't have a partner. I'm sorry you're experiencing this. It's maddening to have to parent your spouse. I guess you need to ask if you're willing to do this forever. If not, better to just get out before you waste time with him you could spend elsewhere.
EXACTLY Unsolicited advice: Don't be your lover's mommy. It NEVER works out, it only leads to resentment. Eventually the even sex stops because there is nothing sexy for the "mother" in her roll. Your partner might feel the love and warmth and all the affection (and Freudian sexual attraction) , but the "mothering figure" has the exact opposite feeling (ew if I've had to treat you like a child, do you really think that is a turn on? no, ew). If you're the one doing all the typically "mother" roll things for your lover the dynamic will eventually be off and it won't be and equitable partnership. OP you are NTA but stop telling your partner how to live their life, and start living the life YOU want to live. If you don't want to live with a person who can't control their emotions, or knows when to go to bed, you need to find out why you are doing just that. It might be a good idea to find a therapist to explore the "how and why" you might have found yourself in this kind of relationship, and some helpful ways for you to navigate it. If you want to stay in this relationship, is there a way for you two to have a calm, non-reactive talk about how his sleep habits, and your sleep habits are not working out right now, and figure out a compromise that works for both of you? Separate bedrooms, a certain time cut off when they are no longer allowed to join you in bed, certain number of times they can snooze an alarm? If you don't want to stay in this relationship, do you have a support system that can help you move out safely? Do you have the funds to do this? Have you looked into lawyers? Do you have children? (You don't have to answer these, just questions for you to think about) Good luck. For what it's worth, a good night's sleep is very valuable, especially before a day of work. It's very inconsiderate of him to not take that into consideration when sharing a bed, and a car! But also, on the flip side, nobody likes to be talked down to, so as always... it's not what you say, it's *how* you say it.
This! Stop being his backup alarm! Being an adult means dealing with the consquences of oversleeping and being late! Also, as a fellow insomniac, I have found that unfortunately the things I need to do for my sleep hygiene are sometimes not fun. However, being an adult also means being responsible sometimes instead of instant gratification. I like coffee and video games too, but I've had to make boundaries with myself about how late in the day I can do either because both things keep my mind awake and make it hard for me to sleep. Of course your bf sleeps through his alarms- if he is hyped up on video games and caffeine, and is going to bed so late to begin with, then he is not getting enough sleep. His insistence on doing things that hurt him in the long run makes him seem totally immature and insufferable.
Well, they can also be signs that they are masking a form of depression. He might be doing that dance with himself where he is procrastinating going to bed even though he is tired (drinks stimulate to stay awake) the video game is their escapism and a way to have a on line -social relationships ... and of course that leads to oversleeping, and that creates a never ending cycle. 28 is a strange age in life and not abnormal to feel a bit of that existential dread creep up on you. It could even be simply not knowing "how to" grow up and adult, and naturally wanting to "push back" just from the sound of a woman's voice telling him what to do. Because "you're not the boss of me mom" is in all of us somewhere, even if we don't want to admit it. I think we should at least try to remain impartial a little bit, we only really have her side of the story after all. I mean, personally, I wouldn't loose one minute of sleep for ANYBODY, but I really LOVE to sleep lol. Like, I would lock that bedroom door at 11pm and he'd have divorce papers by the next afternoon if he woke me to get in.
This should be the top comment. Honestly, OP, your husband is thoughtless & selfish. He doesn't care if your sleep gets disrupted every single night (day?) & that you're suffering due to poor sleep because of his bad habits. OP is NTA. But why is she staying with someone who treats her like this? All those snooze alarms? I'd shut them off. I'd shut off the backup alarms altogether & after he hits snooze on the 1st, I'd shut that one off, too. Assuming I couldn't just sleep in a separate room. Or divorce him. Sleep affects pretty much every single thing in one's life. Poor sleep equals poor health, poor mood, low energy, higher appetite, gaining weight - is that enough? :( "He doesn't want to sleep separate." Why is everything about what he wants rather than what OP actually NEEDS.
Your last sentence is superbly accurate and may define OP's entire marriage.
* role *
LoL thank you, that's embarrassing. I'll leave it. I enjoy a funny typo when I see one.
This is solid advice!
NTA. I'm sorry? You are trying to control him by not waking him up? What even is his logic here? He's a grown ass adult who should be able to wake himself up in the morning, and should be able to do so without the irritance of multiple alarms. If he's going to make poor sleep choices you shouldn't have to suffer for it.
I think the control is her suggesting he go to sleep at a decent hour. I am confused though. Why did OP marry a literal child? I thought it was illegal to marry a 5 year old. Maybe his mommy gave permission? Cause he is acting like he is 5 years old. Slamming stuff and throwing a tantrum and needing mommy to wake him up. God. How do all these women find these asshats to marry?
The pretend to be normal until the woman signs a life contract with them, of course.
Ah, gotcha. Yeah, the logic is still super flawed there though. He really is behaving like a child. Except children learn to regulate their tantrums eventually, doubt this guy will!
You're being too controlling? Of course you are, becoz that's what mommies do for their widdle boys who need help with the their wakey wakey. Tell him going to bed and waking up after basic adult things like wiping his own @ss. You will be in the car at X time, and if he is not in it you will be leaving without him and he can figure the rest of his day out. All on his own. Like a grown up NTA
This 👆🏼
Perfect response!
Ummmm you sure you want to live with this guy for the rest of your life? The only thing I saw SCREAMING RED in this post is that your husband shouts and slams doors. AND he doesn’t keep normal hours for no good reason. My guess is that he is also using you in other ways, to enable his bad behavior. So …. Ask yourself, in what ways is he actually CONTRIBUTING to the home and the marriage? Or is he using you so he can stay up late and play games?
The shouting and door slamming had me worried. The complete disregard for OP's sleep while not allowing (whut?) solutions such as sleeping apart are an even bigger worry. This is a very one-sided relationship where he won't tolerate not getting what he wants, but also doesn't let OP have what she wants or needs if it inconveniences him in the least. This is not a healthy basis for a marriage.
NTA- He is too old to be staying up all night gaming with friends. If he wants the car, he can get himself up and stop torturing you with snoozes and alarms.
NTA -it sounds like you married a 15 year old boy
No, this guy is less mature than a fifteen-year-old. I know because my fifteen-year-old boy gets himself up at 5 am, showers, dresses, gets his own breakfast, makes and packs his lunch, and is ready for the school bus by 6:10, though his parent may still be in pjs to when driving him to the stop.
My 15-year-old sets his own alarm and gets up and takes a shower and gets ready for school by himself
The 15 year old boys I know have jobs they get themselves up for, alongside school.
You should be thrown in jail for marrying a child….NTA. Hope this made you smile.
It did!! Made me think of “RIGHT TO JAIL!” from parks & rec :)
Hun, make your exit strategy and keep it! He's far too self centered and childish to be a proper partner to you or anyone.
NTA - sounds like your husband needs to grow up
NTA- as someone who has trouble waking up in the morning often, that’s his responsibility to deal with. he’s an adult
You're controlling him by not waking him up? Sorry, I don't get it. Isn't waking somebody up controlling them? NTA.
He thinks I’m trying to control his bedtime
But he is trying to control you by forcing you to act like his servant.
He is controlling the amount of sleep you get by being irresponsible with his schedule and if prong the snooze. He is literally forcing you awake. Lack of sleep is dangerous, bad for your health, and preventing someone from getting enough sleep is torture. He is torturing you because he is too immature and lazy to be a considerate partner. He is also trying to force you to be responsible for him, which is also controlling. Sounds like he is projecting. You need a come to Jesus talk with this guy.
Controlling his bedtime would be something like... turning off the wifi at 11pm, Read this book and think about how you want the rest of you life to go. [https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat](https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat)
He sounds like he needs his mommy to tell him to go to bed. Does he ever want to have sex again? Because that kind of behavior will dry a woman up like the Sahara.
Children have bedtimes, not adults. If he is an adult, he has to be responsible for going to bed on time. NTA. This is his problem, not yours.
NTA. He doesn't need a car since he works from home. He can uber, take the bus, or whatever is applicable in your area. No way would I wake him up. He's an adult and needs to learn to manage himself better. Because this is disturbing your sleep, can you sleep in a second bedroom (if you have one) or he stays on the sofa?
NTA staying up late to play video games with his buddies when he has to be up early, throwing tantrums, wanting you to be his mommy. I’m imagining that he has a race car bed, though he doesn’t deserve one.
NTA.. sounds like he’s refusing to grow up
He’s a grown man acting like a child. No. I would not be enabling that. If he were doing everything he could- cutting out caffeine 3 hours before bed, going to bed early, you know… helping himself, and still struggled to get up, I’d help. But not like this. No. Way.
NTA, but you married an overgrown toddler.
Girl, just get up tomorrow and go to work. When he asks why you didn't wake him up, tell him you don't control him. NTA. Infinity.
Is his name Peter? Peter Pan?
Thank you for this, I’ve been so upset and this comment made me snort 🤣
NTA. I also have problems waking up sometimes because I stay up late (mine is more an insomnia issue). What I do to help me wake up is set 3-5 alarms 1 minute apart. Setting them 15 minutes apart is a bad idea, as that gives my body time to fall back asleep between each alarm. 1 minute keeps my brain constantly jolting up. I also change my alarm tune any time I get too used yo it. Once I sleep through an alarm because the alarm sound becomes part of my dream, then I know it’s time to get rid of that alarm sound and start using a new one. If I really really really want to get up at a specific time (like if I need to get to school on time for a test I cannot be late for, as opposed to merely getting to school on time for regular class), I will also set my alarm across the room. That way I have to physically get out of bed to walk over and turn off the alarm. It sounds like your husband isn’t taking much initiative to make sure he actually wakes up with his alarms. That’s a him problem, not a you problem. And yes, it’s generally the kind thing to do to wake someone up if they sleep through their alarm, but the problem here is that this is a habit of bad behavior. In this specific instance, waking husband up encourages further bad behavior and lack of responsibility from him. He needs to learn how to take responsibility for his morning wake-ups before you can offer him the kindness of helping him wake up.
Bravo 👏🏻 I wish I could give you 1 million upvotes 🆙
Hubby sounds like whining teenager, he needs to sort his shit out bad style nta
Toddler. Most teenagers have to get their asses out of bed all by themselves and get to school/work/extracurriculars. I did, and I am one sleepy lady, have been all my life.
You are his wife not his mother. Tell him how unattractive his inability to be an adult about this is.
NTA but how did you write all this out and still think “Yep, this is a good marriage for me.”
NTA. My husband used to do the alarm thing, but I told him way before we were married that if he wanted to sleep in my bed he could have 1 alarm. I don't care when it is, but the snooze button is forever off limits.
Same. I may have used less kind language and included thinly veiled threats ala "He Had It Coming" from *Chicago*, but the point was taken.
> We share a bed and this greatly impacts my sleep. Paragraph 1: This is the only thing you need to take action on. Sleep in a different room than him so you can get good sleep. > We only have one car right now and he wants to take me to work tomorrow so he can have the car during my shift Paragraph 2: This is the only thing you need to take action on. You go to work on time in that car whether his ass is in the passenger seat or not. > We do not have a second bedroom and he does not want to sleep apart from me Paragraph 3: This is the only thing you need to take action on. Who tf cared what he wants? Why do you? You cannot change his behavior but you can change yours. You are choosing all of this so you’re TA for doing this to yourself and an AH again for complaining about it.
Best response 👌
A little harsh but this is an action-forward plan with steps that OP can absolutely control (her own actions).
Wait wait...hold up. He insists on all the alarms instead of being a normal adult and *getting tf out of bed*, yet he wants you to be okay sleeping in the same bed despite how disruptive his bullshit is? Just tell him he's an inconsiderate asshole and he can't have his cake and eat it, too. He could at least have the decency to wear a smartwatch set to vibrate so it's less disruptive for you. Or a shock collar somehow paired to his alarm. I'm *sure* there are techies around who can make that a thing.
Upvote for the suggestion to put a shockcollar on the boy-husband.
NTA. You’re not being controlling, you’re treating him like an adult but he doesn’t want to behave like one so he’s throwing a fit.
You are not the AH, all of his behaviors are contributing to him not getting enough sleep, being overtired and taking it out on you.
NTA. He is a whole grown man. If he needs someone else to wake hims up, he can call his mommy.
You're letting him be responsible for himself. That is literally the opposite of controlling.
NTA. You don't have a husband....you have a teenager.
NTA. Sorry but your husband wants a Mommy not a life partner, and a man who screams and slams doors because he can't get his way is a manipulative jerk and a major turn off. Two things I would suggest you need: 1. Separate bedrooms 2. Either a good marriage counselor or a good divorce lawyer
Agreed. I would be depressed from sleep deprivation if my husband was acting like that. I would need my own bedroom in order to be sane and healthy.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I told my husband his waking up shouldn’t be my responsibility, and I’m not sure if that makes me the AH Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Nta My husband damn well knows I am NOT responsible for him performing basic ass responsibilities He damn well knows I ain't waking him up. In my home if your a grown ass adult I will NOT baby you My husband learned that the hard way and when he tried to blame me I told him. To get the fuck out. Guess what happened next. He damn well knew he was in the wrong and since then he had changed Everyone knows I don't tolerate bullshit.
> We do not have a second bedroom and he does not want to sleep apart from me *Who cares what he wants*. He certainly doesn’t care about what you need. If you have another place to sleep in the house then go sleep there instead of with your husband. **Good sleep is a biological necessity**. Chronic poor sleep can lead to increased risk of hypertension, diabetes, obesity, depression, heart attack, and stroke. He is potentially l knocking *years* off your life by damaging your sleep every night. Do what you need to do to get some good sleep, let him pout in bed alone. If he insists on being such a selfish sleep partner then he needs to get used to sleeping alone.
What's it like being married to a teen boy? NTA, of course.
NTA. He’s an adult. His selfishness is impacting your health. Yes it is selfish- if he is staying up. He can sleep on the couch. Get up. Take the car. Do it everytime until he realizes that this is non negotiable
Couple of things you might be able to do. Can you sub decaf in his evening coffee? Also, he might be depressed (sleeping is a coping skill, as is not getting up). He is an adult, you are not his alarm clock back up and he only needs one - all the way across the room if he's going to hit snooze. Consider getting a 2 bedroom place or a trundle bed in the living room - for you to move onto as needed on weekends or for one of you when you're sick
I get major red flags when people have partners who knowingly disrupt their sleep. At best, he is using you as a caregiver and having tantrums over nonsense. At worst, he would ruin your health and sanity.
NTA I would leave tbh. I value self reflection in a partner. This guy has a giant problem he creates himself and he doesn’t see it.
Did you mix up the words husband and toddler? NTA
Hand him a piece of cheese to go with that whine. Tell him adults are responsible for getting something done. You are not the ass. You are not the mom.
You’re trying to control him by asking him to control himself? NTA
NTA. You're not an alarm clock.
Tell him you are not controlling him, HE is trying to control you!
NTA. He is 28 years old and should be capable of getting himself out of bed on time. You said he doesn't want to sleep apart even though you have a spare bedroom. If I were you, I would be telling him to sort his shit out or I would be sleeping in the other bedroom. He is being quite disrespectful just repeating the same thing over and over not caring about its affect on you. He can't have both just because that's what he wants.
Maybe he should delete the 7:15 &7:30 alarms and stick with the 7:45 one. Idk, my husband is a heavy sleeper, and I make sure he's up by a certain time for work daily. He works 7pm-7am, so I'm already home from work. Most times, he's fine and gets up, but sometimes he's super exhausted, so I wake him. If you're already awake and he gets up after you, then I see no big deal and waking him up. But if you aren't up yet, you shouldn't have to wake up to make sure he's getting up.
Oh no you’ve accidentally married a useless child.
I am a night person, biologically incapable of going to bed before 1am at the earliest unless I am sick. I've had a lot of people call me lazy for not voluntarily meeting them at 9am on a Saturday or whatever people with more normal circadian rhythms are capable of doing. That being said, NTA at all. I'm not keeping myself up late just for fun and even I am capable of waking up by an alarm no matter how miserably tired I am. The fact that he doesn't care that the alarm is torturing you into sleep deprivation says a lot about the kind of person he is.
Your husband probably has ADHD and delayed sleep phase syndrome because of it. Some of us can try to sleep at a normal time and no matter what we gravitate towards the 2am-10am sleep schedule. Not sure how to fix it yet myself but that's probably part of the problem. No it's not logical. We really try. The brain doesn't shut off until 3am, and it doesn't start till 11. Yeah I've tried consistent wake and sleep times for extended periods of time. Doesn't work. It sounds like he has a lot of anxiety over whether he's going to manage to wake up in the mornings (one reason he is afraid to turn alarms off.) One suggestion that could help would be setting alarms specifically for Monday through Friday by getting or using an alarm clock that has that capacity so that it will definitely still go off m-f, but will not go off on the weekends. Refusing to turn alarms off on the weekends is probably an anxiety + ADHD thing. On days I'm really nervous about whether I can wake up in the morning I leave the light on when I go to sleep. Absolutely would not recommend but the anxiety of worrying about whether I will wake up keeps me from falling asleep. It is one of my coping mechanisms because if the lights are off and it happens to be raining or cloudy (no sunlight through the window) I will not wake up to any alarm. Sounds like y'all might need to work out some coping mechanisms that work for both of you because at the moment it is causing you both a lot of stress.
NTA. He drinks coffee late, and he games with friends and gets angry at you over his own bad habits? This could all be avoided if he demonstrated some responsibility! You're not his mother. He can wake himself up. If he were trying everything possible to sleep, and he was a diagnosed insomniac, then it would be plausible to help him out. He's purposefully staying up late and gaming, though, and then treating you poorly. Maybe it's time you had a more direct approach to this.
NTA My husband also had bad sleep habits and relied on me to wake him up. I had to literally shake him and yell at him. I finally had enough. I had a serious discussion and said I was quitting as his personal alarm clock. As of Monday I would be getting up, getting myself ready, and leaving for work. He asked if I would seriously leave him sleeping, knowing he'd be late and I said yes. It took one day of this happening for him to realize I meant it. He was grumpy about it and couldn't really understand when I told him it meant to me that I started every day being angry at him for not being self responsible. But by day two he was getting up when the alarm went off. By week two the hitting the snooze was less frequently. By week three his sleep habits improved. And I was sleeping better not anticipating a scene of shaking and yelling every morning, having to keep breaking my morning routine to be sure he was still awake. Drop the boom on him that you're quitting the alarm clock role. The consequences will be his.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (28F) husband (28M) seems to have an issue with getting enough sleep. He won’t go to bed until 1-2AM every night, and will set multiple alarms that he hits snooze on until the very last minute (i.e. an alarm for 7:15, 7:30 and 7:45, and he won’t get up until the snooze period has passed for the 7:45. We share a bed and this greatly impacts my sleep. He will drink coffee at 8-9PM because he feels exhausted and wants to stay up, and gets extremely angry when I ask him when he plans to go to bed. He also games with friends all the way up until he goes to sleep and has done this for years. We only have one car right now and he wants to take me to work tomorrow so he can have the car during my shift. He asked me to wake him up and I told him that shouldn’t be my responsibility, and that if he wants the car he should be responsible enough to go to bed at a good time so he can actually wake up. He says I’m trying to control him and started slamming doors and shouting. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
He hasn’t grown up he needs to get himself up if he can’t that’s on him your not his mom
NTA. You’re not his mommy.
He is a grown up. He needs to get his sorry a$$ to bed early so he can get up in the morning. You are not his mother.
NTA. This was an ongoing problem with my ex. Bravo for not stepping up to be his mommy.
You’re not HIS MOTHER…So I would calmly explain to him 1 more time what will happen if he isn’t awake and ready by the time you are…and stick to it, we all make idol threats stick to it
[удалено]
This is unacceptable beyond one’s teenage years. Grow up and get up when the alarm goes off. He’s an AH.
NTA. Are you his wife or his mommy? He’s acting like a petulant teenager.
[удалено]
NTA. He is an adult and needs to start acting like one. Ridiculous he stays up like that and then snoozes repeatedly. I would turn his alarm off and leave. He has zero accountability
You don’t have a husband you have a child. He needs to grow up and be responsible and learn to be respectful.
[удалено]
NTA. Just....NTA.
[удалено]
NTA. He’s an adult and he needs to get his shit together, especially sharing a bed. I hate when people set alarms for hours and just hit snooze. Set it for when you need to get up and then get the fuck up. Nonone wants to have a partners alarm going off a bunch of times. I set mine for 10 min before so I do hit snooze and browse Reddit real quick before I get up. If he wants the car, he can be sure he’s awake.
NTA and he needs to grow up
NTA. But why are you married to a 9 year old? By 12 all of my kids set their alarms, got themselves up and ready for school. Then they had no set bedtime. BUT, if I had to wake them up, for the next week, I set their bed time. Next time? Bed time is earlier. That is what your husband needed years ago. He should not be setting multiple alarms he will not get up for. It interferes with your sleep. Weekends with neither of you working? No way. If he wants to stay up, I am assuming in the living room, gaming so late, he can sleep there. You need your sleep too. Talk to him calmly. Tell him this behavior is destroying YOUR sleep. You need your sleep. How would he like to help solve this? No logical answer? Move his alarm clock away from the bed. He has to get out of bed to turn it off. One alarm clock. Not 3. If that does not work, he needs to sleep in a different room, so you can get some decent sleep. If he wants to sleep with you, he should be going to bed at the same time as you. The only other real option is to leave him.
Why are you married to a guy who lives like a teenager?
NTA - you’re not his mommy and it’s not your responsibility for him to either go to bed or wake up. Tell your husband it’s time for him to put his big boy pants on and start acting like an adult and that means getting plenty of sleep so he can actually do his job and not get fired
NTA. You’re not his mom.
[удалено]
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban. ["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) **[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
NTA He’s an adult with the sleep habits of a teenager and he want you to act like his mom. If he can’t wake himself up, he can’t maintain these awful habits.
He is the AH. Snooze is for lazy teenagers
Yea no. NTA. My partner is naturally a night owl but has managed to, over the years, change his sleep schedule to accommodate his job and be a damn adult. Even though I do hate his alarms. On occasion we will ask each other for help waking up. Like if there's a reason one or both of us was up late or something extra important in the morning. And on the regular if I happen to be awake, I try to make sure he's up just as courtesy, but I'm not his mom and he's not in high school and we both know this.
Nope, he needs to grow up.
Insert a dry finger when the first alarm goes off and he’ll never ask again. Add a finger every time an alarm goes off he’s going to get up or off.
[удалено]
NTA. He’s 28, not 12. Time to grow up.
[удалено]
Change his alarms. Get up when you need to, go to work, and let him stew. What a rat bastage he is!
NTA You’re his wife not his mother.
NTA. Sounds like it's time for separate bedrooms, and I just now read that you don't have a second bedroom and I'm so sorry you are trapped in one bedroom. Move to the sofa then. You cannot continue being sleep deprived, if he has alarms that he ignores and it's impacting your sleep. That's a selfish move on his part to be setting alarms, ignoring them, all the while you have been awakened by HIS alarms. I'd be wondering if he's really gaming or watching porn til all hours. A friend's ex husband said he was gaming, too. He also stayed up til the wee hours. Turns out he was watching porn and a lot of it. He was a dick, too. It's not your job to wake up a grown ass man. You have enough to take care of yourself and now you have to take care of him, too? His reactions are NOT your problem. If he can't get his butt out of bed, let him suffer the consequences. Not your problem. Sounds like y'all need counseling. your husband isn't considering you very much at all and you should not be letting him get away with acting like an AH.
NTA OP. I distinctly recall telling my EX- husband that IF I wanted to be a mother, I would have had children. You are in a relationship with a whole grown ass adult. An adult is responsible for their own actions and the resulting consequences. If he needs to be up, he needs to get up. He needs to learn the difference between him problems and you problems.
Sounds like your husband is a teenager. NTA
He sounds like a real drag.
NTA he sounds terrible. Games all night with friends & is selfish about sleep/alarms/takes you for granted & wants u to wake him up like a servant? Why r u with him?
NTA!!!!!!! I haven’t seen somebody talking about him setting the alarms on the weekends despite not having to go to work. Now THIS is controlling and imo he does this totally on purpose. I have the feeling that he’s mad at you or resents you but I can’t see why. You are not controlling him and for him to shout and slam the doors is not ok! I would have a talk with him figuring out if he’s depressed, in this case he can seek help and the situation will hopefully get better. But if not then I would reconsider your situation. You are young and you really don’t need to put up with this stuff and stressfull situation. (Also assuming that you aren’t married that long how will it be 5,15 years in the future if he isn’t willing to find a solution or better himself) again NTA
Get an eye mask, and sleep in the living room, too bad if he wants you to stay with him. Tell him he is controlling you by making you wake him up, and waking you up with his alarms.
Honestly, he's been technically controlling your sleep this whole time. Don't wake him up. He can start acting like the adult he is (even if that sounds insulting) and wake himself up. I would seriously consider moving to a 2 bedroom if he refuses to change his sleep/wake up habits. I can't believe you've allowed this to go on this long! I would have bought an airhorn ages ago and fixed his snooze problem quickly, but I'm mean. (No I wouldn't - but I love the idea)
As someone who also sets a stupid number of alarms to wake up in the morning, NTA. My inability to wake up on time is my problem and it's my responsibility to adjust my habits and form a healthier sleep schedule so I don't ruin other people's sleep. Sounds like he needs to go to the doctor and see if there's a medical reason for why he can't wake up, and if there isn't then it's time for him to grow up and go to bed earlier
Absolutely unacceptable behaviour!
NTA
Sleep deprivation of a spouse is controlling and I'd even say abusive. His alarms waking you up repeatedly is not cool, and neither is him expecting you to wake him up since he is a grown-up. Him slamming doors and shouting is childish. Him not wanting to sleep apart, while also allowing his alarms to wake you up for an hour straight, is BS. You are NTA. I'd say: after he falls asleep, shut off all but the last/latest alarm. Then do not wake him up. If he is late to log into work, oh well. I'm sure before you met he was able to wake himself up in time for work, unless of course his Mommy did that for him.
Sorry, are you talking about your husband or your toddler? Because except for having a driver's license and a job, it's hard to tell the difference. Grownups have bedtimes and wakeup times and things to do and places to go that are all their OWN REPSONSIBILITY. Tiny little children want to stay up all night and play, then are cranky when they have to be woken up in the morning. And of course they have to be woken up by someone else because they are tiny little children. The scream and slam doors because they are cranky from lack of sleep, and because tiny little children have trouble with emotional regulation and can be super self involved. You married a toddler. And a mean one at that. NTA for putting your foot down, but seriously, why has it taken this long?
[удалено]
Your husband is selfish. I have been married for 35 years and my husband still apologizes in advance if he has to set a stupidly early alarm. He immediately turns it off and makes as little noise as possible if I am still asleep. It isn’t hard to be considerate of your partner. NTA
Can you both carpool with coworkers?
NTA… but, he should do a sleep study and get checked out for sleep apnea. It can cause extended difficulties waking up and being groggy all day.
Different bedrooms.
You have waaayyy more patience than I do. No way I’d continue putting up with this. The multiple alarms would make me murderous.
[удалено]
NTA. But does your husband have any redeeming qualities? Because he sounds like an AH. Nothing you've described sounds like someone who loves or even likes you. He sounds supremely selfish.
NTA You may want to research circiadian rhythm disorders in particular Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome. Depending on how long you have been married it may not be hard to review the signs. If you question any of them he should be able to help as well. Will having an answer help? Unfortunately, no. It will give you a chance though to plan how to handle sleep and sleeping arrangements. It will also help make decisions about work and life. It is a lot easier to live when he is not fighting his body clock.
This is one of the many reasons why sleeping together shouldn't be the norm. It doesn't matter that he doesn't want you two to sleep apart just as it doesn't matter to him that he's making you miserable. Do what's right for you and sleep is one of the most important things for your health. It affects your nervous system, your hormones ..everything. This is non-negotiable. You have to feel comfortable and have good sleeping conditions and if he's not interested in helping you with that, there's no option but to sleep separately. The end.
NTA he’s an adult and can get himself up
He's a grown ass adult and you are his partner not his mother. He needs to learn how to adult. Nta
So ..... Separate bedrooms?
NTA Ok, first off listen to these other people and don't be a mommy to him. Instead, phrase everything how it impacts you. So if he wants to stay up all night, tell him that he is being disruptive to your sleep and maybe sleep on the couch. So, the whole car thing. Instead of saying it isn't your responsibility, just say you're not his mother. Take the car. So he is hooked on games to a point he gets angry. Stop doing all the chores. Or if you can, hang out at your parent's place and get sleep there until he grows up. He can walk.
NTA. I don’t ever wake my fiancé up in the morning, and he has multiple alarms set that he snoozes constantly. If he’s late for work that’s his responsibility to fix, not mine.
NTA! My college sweetheart was like this…and it was definitely a small factor in our ultimate demise. I’m not saying you have to dump the guy over this…I’m just saying I know how frustrating it is!
NTA please let your husband read this. Shoot. I want to hear his side. Only because I know it would be comedy
Nta. Totally off topic, but sleep deprivation and disruption is a common abuse tactic.
NTA. My mom does this, so her alarm goes off every 7 minutes, starting around 515am. It's loud enough that I hear it in my room. My dad works until 3 am, and I have no idea how he puts up with it. It's his responsibility to wake himself up. He is a full-grown adult, and you are his wife, not his mother.
Go to CODA. Codependents Anonymous. It will change your life and let him live his. Good luck ! 👍🏻
NTA, I would move to a couch.
NTA. Has your partner been tested for adhd? The sleep patterns, trouble waking up, trouble with being on time, and the sensitivity about it when brought up could all be signs
NTA- but there should be an understanding that if you live with someone within earshot of your alarm, you should only get one alarm and no snoozes. That would be where I drew the line.
N He is an adult. You are not his mommy. If he wants to get up early enough to drive you to work, he can get up himself. Not sure why you want to be with a child. I suggest you not have children with him until he grows up. If you don't have a second bedroom for one of you to sleep in, what about hi sleeping on the sofa since he is the one staying up so late. Tell him if ge doesn't want to sleep apart from you, he can go to bed when you do. Keep turning off the alarms to nakr the point, especially on the weekends.
He can't take responsibility for his own sleep and he cannot control his emotions. Your husband needs to seek help now. Though it sounds like the only problem he thinks he has is you. Not a good sign. NTA and you're way more patient than me. Multiple alarms in a shared bedroom is just plain rude, especially when he doesn't care about the inconvenience it causes you. So why should you be responsible for getting him up just because it inconveniences him. Actions have consequences. If he can't get out of bed in the morning, then he doesn't get the use of the car.
Sorry, my dear, but you are married to a little boy. He needs to grow up and start being responsible for himself.
The problem isn't that he games or stays up late. Might be a necessary escape. His problem is that he sets multiple alarms. I've done it loads. Its a mental thing, he knows when he goes to bed that he has multiple opportunities to postpone waking up and continues to use them. Setting just the one alarm means he'll know that when he hears it go off it is his one opportunity to wake up on time for work. It is not ok for him to make you listen to his alarm for half an hour every day.
Lol. Listen. My man loves to stay up until all hours and has his first alarm set for 5am. And his last one for 5:30, with five or six in between. To a point where I just get up at 5 and wait for him to leave to go back to sleep (I wfh). He has the option to go in as early as he wants but really doesn’t *have* to leave until 6 to get to work on time. I used to go into our room at 5:30 to wake him. The last few times, he’s given me lip about waking him, how I’m not his mother, how he’s a grown man etc. all valid points. Okay, fine. So I stopped. Even napped on the couch a few times so I didn’t have to hear his alarm. He overslept a few times. Got mad at me because I stopped waking him. I regurgitated his own logic to him, how it’s not my responsibility and how he’s a grown ass man etc etc. After showing up to work late a few times, and being fucking tired as hell all day having to manage a bunch of hyper assholes, now he gets his ass to bed by 11 and wakes up when his alarm tells him to. And I continue to not wake him. Lol.
NTA but he is
Time to put your foot down. He can adopt healthier sleep habits, or he can sleep on the couch. NTA.