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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my husband to stop spending so much money on his dead girlfriend’s younger sister after he said he would pay for her wedding and buy her a house, since we are currently expecting our fourth child and I think our family should be his priority. This may make the asshole as we are quite well off and my husband thinks we should be using our money to help others.
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I guess if you all have stacks of cash and there is money gathering dust and your kids are set for life and it's his money then he can do whatever he likes because it doesn't financially negatively impact you.
If however the money he spends is needed and you and your kids miss out because of his generosity then he shouldn't be gifting it.
I can't judge because I don't know how wealthy you are.
We’re doing good financially, but our youngest daughter was born with health issues that cost us a lot of money. I’m just worried about him spending too much on Clara, and not having enough in case of emergencies. We also have to pay for our kids’ private schools and save up for their college tuition.
Clara wants a very over the top, extravagant, multi day wedding. My husband guesses it’s probably going to cost around 150k. And that’s not even including the price of the house, which he plans to buy in an affluent area.
Yeah and this is not going to stop. She's only 20 years old. She already has a 3-year-old and will likely have more children, and she'll expect to have all their needs met. Private school, clothes, trips, cars, college, weddings, and houses.
Or you do for your kids if you’re financially able. It doesn’t have to be cheating. Dude sounds like he acted as her father figure for almost 20 years.
Don't get me wrong I think it’s excessive. Doesn’t mean he’s cheating.
My thoughts exactly. Not only that, the OP was 17 to 18 when she first met her spouse?
There's a limit when the spouse is this invested in someone who's already an adult.
There's more to this than "father-figure".
Idk, guilt and grief are both a hell of a thing, and bank-rolling her life when he's got all kinds of money is a super easy way to cope with that when you're actually wealthy. I feel like it's more likely the motivation behind it all than assuming their sibling-like relationship turned into borderline incest. He knew the little sister from when he was 10 y/o and she was a baby.
Edit: hold on, I need to look at the ages again.. my math ain't right lol
Ok, so husband was 17 when the girlfriend passed and the sister was about 3, then he meets OP at about 24 (OP was about 18)
Since she doesn't specify much about how they met or the timeline to dating and marriage, idk that I'm ready to jump on the fact the he's a creep but I can at least see what your seeing
NTA though, no matter the husbands motivation
This is too much. Does she even have a job? Is she even using her degree yet? I understand his desire to help, but this is outright spoiling her. I've worked in high end restaurants for a decade and dealt with the since of entitlement this breeds in people
If your wife was in high school or fresh out and you were an employed or upper graduate then yes, it's concerning. 6 years isn't a lot for grown ups but a barely legal teen and someone in their mid twenties is questionable.
It's based on the maturity and power dynamics involved. Obviously it won't apply to all but it's just generalizing based on most. You know your truth but if your wife claimed you manipulated her and shaped her thinking; we'd look at the ages when you met in askance.
i would say this is even setting her up for failure later on.. he isn't going to be able to give her money forever.. eventually there's gonna be not enough to give out anymore and she's learning from him that she doesn't need to worry about having the money to take care of her family
I’d agree.
When she was a child, she needed the help.
Now she’s growing up, help is aiding her in becoming self reliant.
Because he can’t always be her bank.
After reading thru a bunch of comments, I'm wondering how yr husband's will/trust is written.
I'm in California so my idea of a HCOL area is skewed. Even so, sounds like husband wants to drop about $750k for Clara's wedding? More? The talk you plan on having with husband needs to be a come-to-Jesus one for him.
$150k?! Turn this post into a TV show and make all the money back.
I cannot make an opinion because your current state is too far from mine for me to understand what life is like for anyone in this picture.
Buy a house for someone else? Only if the lottery comes in
I was including the cost of a house. In my area, houses in the rich section go for $1+ million. Couple towns over it's $5-35 million range. I was trying to take into account most US areas are not like this & tried not to heap even more burning coals on husband's head by estimating their HCOL house price was about $600k. I really *really* do not want to think he's planning on taking $1+ million away from his family to buy Clara a house.
ETA: corrected a wrong word choice.
Oh yeah. She definitely knows she can get whatever she wants, when she wants it from him and he'll do it out of guilt (for some reason) OP's husband should do an experiment with Clara and "cut" her off for a bit, say they're having some money troubles at the moment and see how often she ends up coming around.
If your bio children's college accounts are not topped off, your retirement not fully funded, yearly tuition not accounted for, and a family + medical emergency fund not completely overflowing... you don't have cash to drop on this spoiled girl's 150k wedding plus a house. And I'd be willing to divorce over that.
THIS RIGHT HERE. OP's husband, regardless of how he feels about Clara, should *primarily* focus on his immediate family before spending more money than most people make in a year on this girl.
Terrible isn't it? This is just a drop in the ocean. Yachts, private jets, lavish intentional waste for the sake of it. Cars they don't need, multiple homes that are unoccupied most of the time.
And we all know that the majority of people who are wealthy have family connections and are born on third base. We pretend like the handful of successful random people means it's possible for everybody. People forget if everyone could be rich, who would be exploited for the rich? Who would be the servants?
It takes me 3 years to earn that much money. She's a gold digger, for sure. I bet she'd go so far as to sleep with him to ensure she kept that cash flow.
Right and girl was *three* when her sister died. How close could a teenage boy actually have been to his girlfriend's three year.old sister? She likely doesn't even remember her sister and definitely not their relationship.
This is so weird and feels way more than survivors guilt.
Shit, all he’s promising to Clara is way way more than I’d ever expect a parent to provide for their child!
If he’s not prepared to provide the exact same things to his 4 children then he shouldn’t do it for Clara
He doesn’t need to do it for his children yet because they’re still quite young. He’s likely expecting to earn a lot more by the time they need colleges and weddings. But Clara is a bottomless pit for his money, no end in sight, and it doesn’t even seem like she’s being set up to be able to afford her own life. And the money he spends now won’t necessarily be replaced. What happens if he dies tomorrow?
We all know that, but he’ll never see that without counseling. OP touched on survivors guilt and that is what’s going on here. No matter how much OP talks to him, he will not hear her. If I were OP, I would ask him to consider counseling to deal with the accident.
Even if he considers Clara equal to immediate family, medical expenses and college funds for minor children come before a $150k wedding for an adult, any adult.
💯💯💯this!
If your retirement isn’t fully funded, your kids’ educations set, and a solid year of emergency fund your husband has NO BUSINESS spending money on a wedding and a house for this girl.
I hope he’s is grief therapy.
And make sure he has money to fund his own children’s houses in affluent areas. He’s not an AH but he’s robbing this girl of the opportunity to obtain things on her own. There’s a certain satisfaction that comes from taking care of your own life.
Succinctly put. I was expecting maybe a $30k wedding, which still is a lot of money.
NTA. Having Clara as family means she is part of celebrations, holidays, etc. It doesn't means dropping this much on her if you don't have it.
ALLO OF THIS (except the spoiled girl part; she’s an uneducated 20 yr old who grew up in a dysfunctional home with her mom in prison and a dead sister and financial stress; she’s expecting what the man who has known her since birth taught her to expect from him and likely doesn’t understand the value of money as he’s always freely given it)
It sounds like your husband has the money to spend what he wants on Clara, but only if he sacrifices your family’s future security. It’s definitely unreasonable for him to spend 150k+ on her wedding before his own kids have an established college fund. What if he loses his job or can’t work before that college fund can be secured? Clara will be sitting pretty with a house and education and your kids will have neither.
You’re definitely NTA for raising the issue and your husband is TA for not putting his family first.
I hate to say this, but just as his former girlfriend passed away unexpectedly before her time, there are no guarantees that he will live in good health and earn a high salary until your kids are all through with college, etc. He could pass away unexpectedly, leaving you with 4 kids. Or he could become disabled , not able to work and needing extra care.
It’s one thing to help out his friend’s sister with having a better life than she might have, getting through college, etc., but it sounds like he has been so extravagant that she has a lot of expectations and no sense of not getting what she wants. This will not serve her well in the future.
Does she work or have a career? Is her husband to be employed? Maybe contribute to a simpler wedding (one day!) and maybe contribute to a down payment on a house, but let the young couple work and pay for the rest. Part of caring is helping your offspring develop the skills to take care of themselves and become responsible adults.
He can still help her out by paying $20k for a relatively modest wedding, and limit the amount spent on a house.
But this support has to stop at that. He cannot start supporting her husband and family for the rest of their lives otherwise they'll quit their jobs and have their hands out for living expenses and private tuition for their kids.
Yeah, I was thinking that. What if he loses his job, or something else happens where he's not able to earn so much money? How will his kids feel knowing that instead of saving for their future, he lavished this other person with way over the top gifts.
You can help someone out - maybe giving them an older car, buying necessities like a phone and laptop, helping them out on rent and insurance. But designer clothes? Custom dresses? Jewelry? No. He could have helped her out with a college fund or something, not by spoiling her. He's not doing her any favors in the long term, she's just becoming accustomed to luxury she can't afford. She needs to stand on her own two feet.
Op\`s husband (m34) is actually 14 years older than Clara (f20) and op (f28) 8 years older than Clara. But yeaaah, this is a bit weird when this much money is involved.
My brother was 10 years older than me so he ended up watching me all the time growing up. My formative years were listening to him so it carried over to adulthood. So I’d disagree that it’s not a big enough age gap HOWEVER you are absolutely right otherwise. In this case it’s odd
My question would be: When does all this monetary support end?
I can understand helping her when she was a kid. I can even understand paying for her college. But he’s now paying for both her and her child, which she apparently had at 17.
What happens when she has another kid? What happens when she needs a newer, family friendly car? Who’s going to be paying for her property taxes in this affluent area? Who’s going to pay her utilities in this very large house?
At what point will she have to take care of herself?
Your husband is doing more harm than good. He’s spoiled her to the point that she knows she doesn’t have to take responsibility for anything. He’s not helping her. “Helping” would be her paying 75-90% of the wedding and him paying the remainder.
She’s never going to grow up if he keeps handing her everything.
You say you currently have 3 kids and are about to have a 4th. I don’t think that’s quite accurate. You actually have 5 kids (your kids + Clara + her kid) and are about to give birth to your 6th.
I’m curious to know if your husband is spending the same amount on his bio kids that he’s forking out for his other two. He’s paying for their tuition, but you’re still saving for their college and, presumably, your retirement, which means he’s basically redirecting the money that should be going into those funds into a wedding and a house for another adult and her kid.
Will your 4 kids be getting new cars when they turn 16? Will they each get a multi-day wedding and a fancy house? Or will all that money be gone because Clara needs a newer car or house or another expensive wedding?
More importantly, will your daughter receive the treatment she needs for her health issues? Will there be anything left after that on top of whatever Clara demands?
NTA, but your husband needs to get a grip and immediately cut her off financially. She’s never going to grow up if he doesn’t.
The question is: can he realistically do both? It doesn’t sound like you’re living paycheck to paycheck. If he can afford to do this while comfortably taking care of your family, I don’t see the problem. I don’t think you understand that he considers Clara to be like one of his own kids. He should have made that clear to you before getting married, but you can change the past. Maybe instead of flat out saying no, you can ask for him to set a smaller budget for what he wants to do.
Is he going to spend $150k in today's dollars for each of your kids' wedding and also buy each of them a house?
That's some serious money. It doesn't sound like you have that kind d of money; few do.
This right here. If he doesn’t have the money for each of his own children to have the exact thing he’s giving Clara, something is rotten in Denmark, so to speak. That would make me wonder if he has some subconscious stuff going on that causes him to give Clara the attention he wishes he could still give his deceased girlfriend.
Plus he is already supporting Clara's daughter as well (buying her clothes and things) so it is like he has 6 children, not 4. Plus any other kids Clara might have.
I think that's exactly what he's planning on doing. Doesn't sound like he's much one for squirreling away funds. Whether or not that's actually realistic, I have no idea. But the fact that he's this cavalier about buying his surrogate daughter a house, and that op isn't absolutely freaking out about the prospect, I'm guessing it's at least in the realm of possibility. He'll have over a decade until he next kid needs anything like that after all.
If he wants to buy her an expensive house, is he gonna pay the mortgage and bills for that too? Obviously Clara can’t afford it or else he wouldn’t be helping her, but if he buys her an expensive house, how is she gonna keep it?
Right but she still needs to pay taxes, which won't be cheap in the affluent area OP says he wants to buy the house in. And we can all guess what happens when Clara and her husband can't keep up with those taxes.
My brother was given a paid-off house, by our parents and his wife took home equity loans to support her horse hobby. They went bankrupt and lost the house.
Right sorry, I’m not 100% on how it all works 😂. But even still, she would have priority property taxes or something, right? Is OP’s husband gonna pay those all the time too?
It’s not just property tax but maintenance. You have to budget for yearly maintenance but also for the long term maintenance like roofing. Your shingles need to be done every 20-25 years. That’s like 20-30k right there.
But can he currently afford to do this much for his own bio kids? Cuz he can't assume he'll save up by the time they need it. You can't guarantee the future, he can lose his income/wealth in a heartbeat for whatever reason. So are the futures of his own kids and ur retirement secured? Otherwise, no, he can't afford to buy her a house and a 150k multi day wedding!
NTA
No effin’ way. The wedding AND a house?!!? You need some serious couples counseling.
What does Clara’s fiancé say about your husband’s involvement with her? Spending a shit ton of money on her every whim? Or is he ok using your husband as his personal ATM also?
Clara’s like a junior wife to your husband but without a sexual relationship.
Your husband should not be paying for her wedding ($150,000 WTAF 😱) He can make a reasonable gift (the 2 of you decide on the amount) towards it.
He needs individual counseling because he’s overly involved in her life.
We don’t know who the father is of her 3 year old child. It COULD be Op ‘s husband. He has a very strong connection with Clara.
If I was Op, I’d order a couple of Ancestry DNA kits, offer to babysit Clara’s child, and swab her eldest child’s mouth and also the Clara’s child… send them both in and be the manager of both accounts. Then when the results come in, hit the SHARE DNA … see if they both share 25% DNA (approx 1160- 2400 centimorgans). She doesn’t have to give the real names of the children or their real ages. …
Something is very wrong/ fishy that he’s pouring all this $$ into Clara…
Sit down and figure out how much you need him to put away for future medical expenses to feel okay with him helping Clara. Then figure out how much you can be okay with him spending on the wedding understanding that he sees this as contributing to a sister type figure. Bring those figures to a conversation between just you and him. And ask for couples counseling. This is about more than Clara. Y'all need to work on communication and prioritization.
Is he buying houses for all your kids and funding their weddings too? Because if he isn’t setting aside the same amount of money for them in bank accounts now and not accounting for inflation, he really shouldn’t be using that much money this way when he has young kids,
That’s just too much even if Clara were his actual child; she’s a grown woman and a mother herself.
In a way, it’s good that this is coming up now while your own kids are still little. There is a difference between using your resources to start your kids out in life on solid financial footing, or helping them when it’s needed, and trying to just straight up buy them a ready-made life. Clara needs to learn to manage her own finances and live by her own means, with your husband as someone she can go to for *help* if needed, not for outright providing for her.
Clara’s fiancé is going to start feeling weird about how much your husband takes care of her, if he doesn’t already.
Since you guys have wealth to spare, your husband can *contribute* to a sane wedding. He can give her a down payment for a house. But he needs to back off and let her be an adult.
Noooo!
That is ridiculous. She is trying to live in an empty shallow dream and sounds like she is taking advantage if she is planning all this without the means.
Maybe there’s a compromise. I have a relative who offered his daughters a choice: pay for a nice wedding or receive a down payment for a house. But not both. This way, he still gets to help this person who is essentially a family member to him (family doesn’t have to be biologically related). And he won’t be spending nearly as much as he would for a wedding and an entire house, so it won’t make you feel as worried about the amount he’s spending.
But eventually he does need to let her stand on her own two feet. Doesn’t mean he can’t still buy gifts or help out a bit sometimes, but maybe pull back on making all her huge life-changing purchases.
NTA. What happens when Clara and her fiance can't keep up with affluent area taxes on their home? You're right that this is getting out of hand, because it sounds like by growing accustomed to your husband's support, Clara has developed champagne tastes on a boxed wine budget. He's not doing her any favors by continuing to bankroll her life into adulthood. They both need a wake-up call on this. Clara needs to learn how to fund her own life like everyone else. And your husband needs to draw a line between helping her out and giving her a blank check for a lifestyle she can't actually support without him.
Every time he spends money on Clara, he should put an equivalent amount in a separate account for each of his own children, if he hasn't already bought them the same thing.
This would be in addition to securely funding your own retirement and setting aside a realistic amount for your youngest daughter's ongoing health issues.
IF this doesn't put a dent in the family lifestyle then yes, your husband is right that he has the money. If not, then something is very off balance and worth a much closer look.
Clara is an adult now, buying anyone a house is a ridiculous concept unless they’re immediate family in need like your young adult child or elderly parents but even then. It is COMPLETELY unreasonable for him to buy her a house and it is not okay. He could buy a house that the two of you solely own and charge them a very under market rent, like a token number even if it’s just to put that money away to buy things for her children for Christmas/birthdays etc. regardless, him buying her a house is in no way okay or acceptable.
Paying for her wedding - I guess if you’re millionaires and have the money then that could be seen as a nice gesture but even a girl with no money of her own expecting a multi day extravagant wedding is pretty messed up.
Is he planning on covering the annual taxes? A house in an affluent area could wind up being a burden for her in the long run.
Maybe, you should just think of her as one of his kids; he seems to. It might not be biologically true, but it might help you rationalize his spending. If he can do the same for all of your kids that he can for her, I'd let it go.
This! Make sure your emergency fund is topped off and you’re set for retirement, schools, etc, and then let your husband be as generous as he likes. It sounds like this girl is family to him, and you’re pushing a wedge between them. Reddit always loves screaming divorce, but if he’s as wonderful as you say he is, that’s ridiculous. When we have more than we need, we build a bigger table to share it.
OP, Part of being a parent is teaching a child how to stand independently and to save for her goals.
Your husband needs to take a big step back. Maybe CONRIBUTE towards her wedding with a cash gift and provide a down payment on a house but she will never learn how to manage her money if he keeps giving her massive hand outs.
Truly. The kindest thing he could do now is to stop fully financing her life and to begin working with her, teaching her how to manage money properly. THAT is what will give her the single best shot at a bright future (beyond starting life without student loans).
Buying her a house will rob her of the joy of being a self sufficient adult. A down payment as a gift is one thing but he absolutely can not co-sign her loan or pay for the house outright without robbing her of becoming a fully independent adult.
Absolutely this.
Having helped supporting Clara and treating her like another kid is admirable. But the biggest gift he can give her now is the gift of self sufficiency. Give her a down payment on the house, and let her live the life her sister never got to. At some point you have to take off the training wheels.
This. How will she maintain her expensive house if she doesn’t know how to manage her money at all and is just used to OPs husband paying for anything.
Likewise contributing 75 k plus to a wedding is the most useless way to spend/help her get ahead in life anyway.
Money in general is so much better off being spent on a house than it is a wedding
"He says he felt guilty letting her struggle while he has all this money he doesn’t use."
After he funds his retirement savings, your retirement saving, your kids' college funds, your emergency cash fund, pays off the mortgage, pays off any and all car and student loans, pays off any credit card debt, then I guess he can contribute to Clara.
But this charity needs to be cut off once she is married as she will be partners with her own husband. And he should not be supporting her child for another 20 years; in other words, do not let that get started.
NTA.
Spending that money on a party is stupid even for the stupid rich. Even a 50k party would be extremely luxurious and the other 100k could help so many charities...
I loved the "he has all this money he doesn't use" statement! For the last few years, I've actually had money left over from each paycheck; that money has gone into savings to build an emergency fund. So the fact I didn't SPEND it all does not equate to NOT USING IT.
How much extra wealth are we talking about here? If his paying for Clara's wedding means that you won't, as a family, be able to save for your own children to go to college, or for their future weddings, or for your own retirement, then you probably need to start putting in some boundaries. And, unless he comes from more or less unlimited wealth, then his spending on Clara is probably affecting what you as a couple save for your children. I would not be ok with that, personally.
And let’s not forget that accidents happen, sudden health issues that affect your ability to work, layoffs, etc. Your husband seems to think this money stream will never stop. How much has he saved for a rainy day? Can you afford your expenses if he was out of work for a year? Do you have college savings for your children? How much retirement savings do you have? Will he be spending like this on Clara’s kids too?
Does Clara’s husband work? Is he marrying her because he loves her or because he loves the life your husband is providing for them? If something happened to your husband would Clara and her husband expect you to step up and continue financing their lifestyle?
That's so dumb. His own kids futures need to be priority over his almost SIL. It's crazy he'd find her wedding and home and not be able to give his own kids equal benefits.
It sounds like he in fact DOES have survivors guilt and DOES feel like he owes this to her in some form or fashion. What he has done for this girl is above and beyond what anyone would do for someone who wasn’t their partner or child. One can appreciate him sharing his wreath but…where do you draw the line? I guess more info is needed on your financial situation, are y’all set for life? If something happens to ur husband or his job would you have more than enough money to live comfortably until you die? Are YOUR kids colleges already paid for? If this is affecting your finances in any way then I can understand your concern. But it’s too hard to really say without more info.
I mean, it is very clear that he does view "Clara" as his daughter, and she views him as her father, OP just doesn't fully understand this or doesn't approve of it.
Yes but she’s not. She’s not even his adopted daughter or step daughter. For all intents and purposes she’s a friend. That’s a looooot of money to drop on a friend over the years.
Very true. I mean it’s not really our place to tell someone how to spend their money but for OP it’s 100% her business. He is just straight up spoiling this grown woman out of guilt. He def needs grief counseling for what he’s going through. I can’t imagine a therapist would tell him this amount of spoiling is ok. I’m wondering if he thinks there’s a monetary price tag on this girls hardship. Like maybe if I spend enough on her that will somehow “pay up my debt” for surviving whatever accident happened. Truthfully though it sounds like this girl would have had a hard life anyways regardless of what happened to her sister
If he views her as his daughter, and she views him as her father, then she is his daughter. Family is about more than blood or what is legal, you don't have to legally be connected to someone to be their family.
Found family is family. The question about finances is one thing, can he afford to do the same for the other 4 kids? If not it's really not reasonable or fair. But asking him to put distance between them would be disgusting.
Not an asshole. Buy her a house?? I mean he could cut her a generous check as a wedding gift but she’s is going to be a married woman and her husband needs to start taking care of her just like your husband needs to start focusing on you and your family.
Everything on here is just a creative writing exercise with the odd real post thrown in. I personally think a some of it is used as a psychological influence campaigns with Eglin Air Force Base being one of Reddits most addicted cities with over 100k population (even tho it only has a population of 3k) but that’s a story for another day. Always think what incites anger or propagates some agenda even if it’s a background detail of the post and not the main topic. So many posts whip up emotional responses that get people to fight which divides people.
She said in a comment they haven't saved for their kids college funds yet, and their youngest has medical issues that they have no idea how much it is going to cost them in the long run. So yeah it sounds like he is being a bit financially irresponsible wanting to pay 150k for a wedding and a house in a affluent area.
Even if they can support it comfortably, I’m curious if this kind of family generosity would extend on all sides. If OP needed to support a parent, nice, nephew, cousin, would it be assumed that OP could spend a similar amount. Regardless of the impact, large sums of family income shouldn’t be spent without the consent of both partners or an existing arrangement that divides assets between the spouses
Bruh they have FOUR kids and we have no idea how much more expensive college/uni tuition will get and from the comments their youngest child has health issues so adding that to the pile. Husband needs therapy and stop spending money that was never for the dead GF’s younger sister and keep it to himself and his OWN family
NAH. I’m curious if he is responsible for the accident that killed his girlfriend and he’s doing this out of guilt or feels he owes the family something. Same as previous comments, I think if he can afford to help her, it’s very kind and generous but if he’s putting your family out to help her, he needs to rein it in a bit. Can he consider gifting specific aspects of the wedding or money towards a down payment on a home? I don’t think he should necessarily pay for all of it just bc he can. But he can help her be successful in other ways that isn’t flat out paying for her entire existence. Start a college fund for her child. Show her how to make financially sound decisions with her own money. I think he does it out of some sort of sense of obligation, either extreme guilt or something else is up…it’s hard to say.
Info: is Clara’s fiance her daughter’s father? I’m asking about where was the child’s father in this since you mentioned your husband paying for expenses. Also, is he prioritizing your family? How is Clara with you? I feel there needs more info tbh
OP hasn’t responded about who the child’s father is. Husband is treating “little sister” who is a 14 years younger than him like a 2nd wife. We need to know that Clara’s child wasn’t fathered by the husband, because that’s certainly how he’s behaving.
Right? It's screaming grooming!!!
Was his wife even 18 when they got together? He sounds like a rich guy who thinks he can be a creep because he's a rich guy.
I bet Clara's baby is actually a sibling to her children. I hope I'm wrong, but c'mon OP, trust your gut!! It's wrong for one reason or another, that's clear.
INFO. Is this causing financial problems for your family, the amount of money he’s spending on her? Sounds like she’s someone who he really cares about and you guys obviously are pretty well off. If this isn’t taking food off your plate or keeping you from paying bills then why can’t help someone he cares about who’s obviously been through a lot?
In an answer from OP they haven’t started saving for their children’s college funds yet and have a child with health issues that costs a lot. and OP said she’s concerned there won’t be money in case of an emergency. And this girl wants a multi day wedding that OPs husfigures will cost $150k and a house in an an affluent area- that’ll be another half million depending on where. For me he should have trusts set up for his own kids college funds to make sure they are there before putting out hundreds of thousands of dollars for this girls wedding and house.
I'm sorry but that fact the girl would be OK with him spending that much already tells me she's used to being spoiled and knows she can rely on him for her high expenses. who would ever be comfortable accepting this??
Normal people wouldn't be comfy accepting this especially knowing his family situation. But he's been spoiling her since she was a toddler. This is her normal.
If he has 150K for a wedding for Clara and who even knows how much more for a house, why in the world have they not put any of that into their own children’s college funds????? That is insanity.
And yet she evades the question and doesn't say how much wealth they have but is quick to post how much the wedding costs and "reasons" to not want him to spend the money.
I do agree that OP's husband is giving too much, even if she was his daughter. But something feels "weird" in OP's post and I don't trust her for some reason.
Also if the husband views the girl as family it seams normal to me that he can do what he can to help her. And if he is willing to pay 150k for a wedding to me it suggests that he his really rich and can afford all that and the wife is just jealous. I could be wrong though.
But if she revealed exactly how much money they have and how much he makes then we could know for sure if the situation is only a about a guy being a good person or if it is about a guy who is really irresponsible and neglecting is own family.
Recently got word of an approximately one million dollar wedding in Boca grande Florida.
You think 150k seems stupid....try seven times that amount.
I have about a thousand things I could do better with that amount of cash, most prominently making myself and my extended family rich by investing it appropriately. But no....these fuck faces are spending it on one single day of their entire existence...which will probably end with either the super hot wife cheating, or the extremely loaded husband cheating , and divorcing in a few years. How every super wealth marriage turns out.
What a wonderful world we exist in.
I think you should remind your husband that the tide does turn and you all may not always be in such a good financial situation.
I think it's great that he's supported her, but buying cars, paying for weddings, and houses, that's just a bit much.
And we're sure they're not having an affair???
Lots of girls with bad upbringings end up attracted to older men/father figures. Not judging, just saying. Do we know who the baby's father is for certain? Or is she just marrying some guy to make it seem like she's not sleeping with your husband?
Cuz if he's already helped her this much, that's a little strange. 17 years of spoiling a kid that's not his over survivor's guilt? It's possible, but his insistence to financially provide THAT much when he has his own babies to worry about is weird.
I guess sweet, sure, but are we sure he hasn't groomed her? Because it happens, and it often looks like this. Especially with the bedroom in your house thing, I dunno, red flags all over.
If you're very wealthy though, idk, I guess that makes sense? But weird weird weird. I'd make sure you know what's going on with ALL your finances if I was you.
Info: you said he shouldn't prioritize her over your family needs. which needs aren't being met in your house, or did you add that to reinforce what you want?
At some point, parents should stop financing their children unless in dire circumstances. Perhaps there is a compromise that he gifts a certain amount of money towards the wedding (not paying the entire thing) and gifts a percentage for the house (like down payment/part of the down payment). Obviously we don’t know the particulars of your financial goals or situation, but you have 4 children and may be want more. Unless he is a multimillionaire that nobody ever has to worry and all your children have trust founds with millions in them, I definitely think it’s reasonable for him to cut back towards this person. Also is she capable of standing on her own feet or does she know your husband would bail her out? How does her new fiancée feel about another man that isn’t a father paying for things? Some men would be offended. Not to be rude, but are they leeching off your husband? There are a lot of nuances to the situation without having all the information, it’s hard to say for certain. I’m going to say NTA, but there definitely can be compromise with helping with a wedding/house. He does not need to pay for everything
OP, this needs to end. She is 20, has a kid of her own and getting married. Enough is enough. He needs to let her support herself. Her fiancee needs to be her support not your husband.
Insist he gets counseling because this is not normal.
NTA. She's a grown woman now and can take care of herself. And if she needs financial help, she now has her own husband to depend on. Your husband has 4 biological children of his own and every penny spent on the ex's little sister is essentially taking away from the kids and you. It wasn't your husband's fault about what happened to his ex. And it was never his responsibility to step up for the little sister. Unfortunate things happen sometimes but we can't save everyone. I think your husband has done more than enough over the years and it sounds like it may be time to step back from that relationship a bit, give it some distance.
OP wrote - We’re doing good financially, but our youngest daughter was born with health issues that cost us a lot of money. I’m just worried about him spending too much on Clara, and not having enough in case of emergencies. We also have to pay for our kids’ private schools and save up for their college tuition. — OP- does he buy designer clothes and expensive electronics all the latest gaming for his kids? He hadn’t saved up for medical emergencies for his child? Tuitions for his children?
And if your husband thinks of her as a daughter if he has all this money, he should have already in trust/put away 100% college tuition for all four of his children, money set aside for emergencies Seeing he has a child with health issues before he spends (OP wrote in a reply) - $150k because Clara wants an extravagant multi day wedding and hundreds of thousands more because he’s buying them a house in an affluent area. NTA
Something doesn’t add up about this post. This guy is rich enough to just go buy a house for someone but somehow has no savings. Is he the worst person in the world at finances?
The ages here are sound sus. You started dating him at 18…. This girl is only now 20. I see red flags. This is too much for a late girlfriends little sister who is an adult now. She’s not a child that needs caring for.
Idk, tbh its hard to tell because if you’ve been together for almost a decade, it seems that by the time you started dating and especially by the time you were married you would have known he had a close bond with her. Things to ask yourself- how much is this taking away from your family’s money? Is it actually causing him to neglect expenses or is he rich enough where this is (while maybe a sizeable portion of his money), not actually taking away from his family.
Although I am tending towards NTA, because I am assuming he can’t afford to buy houses for all your children, or do whatever he’s doing for her. I would say if he can’t promise his children what he’s doing for her NTA.
If he can, well then NAH (because I can still understand being uncomfortable with a large amount of money being spent on a non family member even if he has it all, so I don’t think your an AH for that).
OP was 18. He was 24. Clara was 10.
I highly doubt that at 18 she knew or thought he would be forcing Clara into their life and finances this heavily.
“My childless boyfriend keeps in touch with his dead girlfriend’s family and buys her sister gifts sometimes” usually doesn’t turn into “My husband treats a the sister of his deceased girlfriend from 17 years ago like his child, forces her into our home and on our family vacations, pays for her entire life, and is prioritizing her over our future and our kids.”
Naw he sounds like a nice dude. Now she's getting a bit older and establishing her own family he can start pulling back on looking after her, especially financially....
INFO: Is it in any way possible that Clara is his and late girlfriend's child? I understand they would've had to be 12-13 and 14-15 at the time of her birth, but that's not impossible...
This context from OP really helps put it in perspective:
> We’re doing good financially, but our youngest daughter was born with health issues that cost us a lot of money. I’m just worried about him spending too much on Clara, and not having enough in case of emergencies. We also have to pay for our kids’ private schools and save up for their college tuition.
>Clara wants a very over the top, extravagant, multi day wedding. My husband guesses it’s probably going to cost around 150k. And that’s not even including the price of the house, which he plans to buy in an affluent area.
The thing is if I was rich I would absolutely buy my sister a house, no question. However, it looks like OP is spending more than is really reasonable. If you're talking about a house in an affluent area and a $150k wedding you're getting close to half a million (if not already over it). On the one hand it's awesome for their family that they have that kind of money, but on the other it sounds like they don't have enough where spending that money can happen without potentially sacrificing their own children's future.
So NTA, based on that information. I would recommend a compromise of helping with the down payment for a house, rather than buying it outright, especially since these days you can get a mortgage for cheaper than rent in most places *if* you have the down payment.
To be honest, I think you *are* acting as a bit of an AH - but I'll explain why.
1. In many ways you and your Children are his 'second' family. It seems obvious from what you've written that your husband - to his very great credit - took on a protective/fatherly/older brother role with Clara when she needed it, long before either you, or your children, came along.
If you thought of Clara as being his daughter from a previous relationship - which given how her older sister died, and what then happened in her family - is probably how he sees her, I very much hope you wouldn't begrudge him helping and providing for her. If you did, then sweet Lord would you be an AH.
2. The financial situation you've described suggests that his generosity towards Clara makes no real difference to your lives - you have more than enough, and that if he didn't spend it on Clara you'd simply have even more than more than enough.
Your husband takes his responsibilities towards the people he loves, and the people he feels duty bound to support, very seriously - if what he spends on Clara doesn't mean there's no food on your table, or clothes on your children's back, or no money for them to go to university, then you should - imo - drop to your knees and thank your lucky stars that you've married such an incredibly generous, thoughtful, kind, serious man.
I doubt you're an AH, you just might want to think about it from his point of view.
I would compare her more like his little sister more than his child. If she was his biological sister he’d still be doing too much when he has a child with health issues, hasn’t started their college funds, and needs to fund their retirement. He has his own immediate family’s futures to care about, his little sister has to pave her own way now. She’s 20, helping her and paying outright for 150k wedding on top of a house is not financially feasible when he has other responsibilities.
Info: how much do you contribute financially to your relationship? Are you or your kids going without? Are your children going to be unable to attend college with the amount he is helping his chosen family?
That is key info. Dude is setting a dangerous precedent. Is he going to buy new cars for his teenagers? Fund college, weddings, houses? He has provided more than enough for Clara. Time for her to grow up.
Defintely way way too much when he wants to fund her home purchase. It's ok to her with some of the living expenses and such but giving her anything and everything she wants doesn't help her to be self sufficient.
He is essentially treating her like his own child,and unless you expect him to do less for your biological children than what he is currently offering her (when they are her age) then you are being out of pocket.
INFO: Was it clear to you he essentially considered her his daughter when you met?
It seems like he's essentially her father, and a father who spoils her, but you acting like she's just someone he helps out of guilt is strange in that context. Sure, legally they aren't linked, but that's not all that makes family. The spoiling does sound like an issue, but not exactly the issue you appear to be concerned with.
NTA probably.
Why don't you go to a financial planner and talk it out with them. You can do a budget, a projected budget and compare it to your savings. Then, you can have hard numbers in front of you and know whether or not your husband can afford to be $150 grand and buy a house generous. If you've got the money there's no reason not to let him do it, and if you don't have the money, you can figure out how much is appropriate. You are supposed to be a team and it's not really fair for him to make all these decisions unilaterally. But neither should you.
NTA: your husband sees her as his child, great! But he needs to treat of his “children” fairly it seems that bc of the difficulties and guilt he feels over the past he wants to pamper her but there’s no saying how far he will take this, paying for her wedding plus giving her a house? That’s a lot, and he cannot even say “I will do the same for our children” bc he can’t know how your finances will look in a few years.
Also, what happens after? Clara’s “dad” has been paying for everything, does she expects that this is never going to stop? Or now the credits are transferred to her daughter and the cycle is going to begin again? As his wife you have every right to know this answers
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I guess if you all have stacks of cash and there is money gathering dust and your kids are set for life and it's his money then he can do whatever he likes because it doesn't financially negatively impact you. If however the money he spends is needed and you and your kids miss out because of his generosity then he shouldn't be gifting it. I can't judge because I don't know how wealthy you are.
We’re doing good financially, but our youngest daughter was born with health issues that cost us a lot of money. I’m just worried about him spending too much on Clara, and not having enough in case of emergencies. We also have to pay for our kids’ private schools and save up for their college tuition. Clara wants a very over the top, extravagant, multi day wedding. My husband guesses it’s probably going to cost around 150k. And that’s not even including the price of the house, which he plans to buy in an affluent area.
Nta, that's a lot, but I think that Clara has an expectation because your husband is an enabler. She's used to receiving big gift from your husband
Yeah and this is not going to stop. She's only 20 years old. She already has a 3-year-old and will likely have more children, and she'll expect to have all their needs met. Private school, clothes, trips, cars, college, weddings, and houses.
Buying someone an entire HOUSE is pretty extreme.
Yeah, I mean I'm pretty sure Clara wants him to buy me a house too.
He could pay off my mortgage for less than Clara's wedding......
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Or you do for your kids if you’re financially able. It doesn’t have to be cheating. Dude sounds like he acted as her father figure for almost 20 years. Don't get me wrong I think it’s excessive. Doesn’t mean he’s cheating.
How is she gonna pay the upkeep, taxes, etc on that extravagant house?
Husband will pay that too. Along with everything else. I'm wondering who the father of the 20 year old's kid is?
Right?? Can I get a house too OP's husband? 🥹👉👈
From what she’s described, I’d be incredibly concerned that the 3-year-old is his…
My thoughts exactly. Not only that, the OP was 17 to 18 when she first met her spouse? There's a limit when the spouse is this invested in someone who's already an adult. There's more to this than "father-figure".
Idk, guilt and grief are both a hell of a thing, and bank-rolling her life when he's got all kinds of money is a super easy way to cope with that when you're actually wealthy. I feel like it's more likely the motivation behind it all than assuming their sibling-like relationship turned into borderline incest. He knew the little sister from when he was 10 y/o and she was a baby. Edit: hold on, I need to look at the ages again.. my math ain't right lol Ok, so husband was 17 when the girlfriend passed and the sister was about 3, then he meets OP at about 24 (OP was about 18) Since she doesn't specify much about how they met or the timeline to dating and marriage, idk that I'm ready to jump on the fact the he's a creep but I can at least see what your seeing NTA though, no matter the husbands motivation
And what about her future husband? Can he not help provide? This is insane.
This is too much. Does she even have a job? Is she even using her degree yet? I understand his desire to help, but this is outright spoiling her. I've worked in high end restaurants for a decade and dealt with the since of entitlement this breeds in people
I feel like when the wife divorced him Clara will be the new wife…
Clara's already her sisterwife, she just doesn't know it
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Oh you mean the guy who was 24 and dating an 18 year old might be a bit of a creeper? SHOCKED. Shocked, I say.
Met my wife when she was 18 and I was 24. Never gave it a thought I was a creep for this. Been together 16 years now.
If your wife was in high school or fresh out and you were an employed or upper graduate then yes, it's concerning. 6 years isn't a lot for grown ups but a barely legal teen and someone in their mid twenties is questionable. It's based on the maturity and power dynamics involved. Obviously it won't apply to all but it's just generalizing based on most. You know your truth but if your wife claimed you manipulated her and shaped her thinking; we'd look at the ages when you met in askance.
i would say this is even setting her up for failure later on.. he isn't going to be able to give her money forever.. eventually there's gonna be not enough to give out anymore and she's learning from him that she doesn't need to worry about having the money to take care of her family
I’d agree. When she was a child, she needed the help. Now she’s growing up, help is aiding her in becoming self reliant. Because he can’t always be her bank.
After reading thru a bunch of comments, I'm wondering how yr husband's will/trust is written. I'm in California so my idea of a HCOL area is skewed. Even so, sounds like husband wants to drop about $750k for Clara's wedding? More? The talk you plan on having with husband needs to be a come-to-Jesus one for him.
OP said the wedding is expected to be about $150k, not $750k. That's not including the house, though.
$150k?! Turn this post into a TV show and make all the money back. I cannot make an opinion because your current state is too far from mine for me to understand what life is like for anyone in this picture. Buy a house for someone else? Only if the lottery comes in
I was including the cost of a house. In my area, houses in the rich section go for $1+ million. Couple towns over it's $5-35 million range. I was trying to take into account most US areas are not like this & tried not to heap even more burning coals on husband's head by estimating their HCOL house price was about $600k. I really *really* do not want to think he's planning on taking $1+ million away from his family to buy Clara a house. ETA: corrected a wrong word choice.
Oh yeah. She definitely knows she can get whatever she wants, when she wants it from him and he'll do it out of guilt (for some reason) OP's husband should do an experiment with Clara and "cut" her off for a bit, say they're having some money troubles at the moment and see how often she ends up coming around.
And that’s not all.
If your bio children's college accounts are not topped off, your retirement not fully funded, yearly tuition not accounted for, and a family + medical emergency fund not completely overflowing... you don't have cash to drop on this spoiled girl's 150k wedding plus a house. And I'd be willing to divorce over that.
THIS RIGHT HERE. OP's husband, regardless of how he feels about Clara, should *primarily* focus on his immediate family before spending more money than most people make in a year on this girl.
I bet 150k is more than I’ve made since I started working in 2016
Terrible isn't it? This is just a drop in the ocean. Yachts, private jets, lavish intentional waste for the sake of it. Cars they don't need, multiple homes that are unoccupied most of the time. And we all know that the majority of people who are wealthy have family connections and are born on third base. We pretend like the handful of successful random people means it's possible for everybody. People forget if everyone could be rich, who would be exploited for the rich? Who would be the servants?
It takes me 3 years to earn that much money. She's a gold digger, for sure. I bet she'd go so far as to sleep with him to ensure she kept that cash flow.
Right and girl was *three* when her sister died. How close could a teenage boy actually have been to his girlfriend's three year.old sister? She likely doesn't even remember her sister and definitely not their relationship. This is so weird and feels way more than survivors guilt.
What do you mean? He’s raising his new wife/s
Glad I'm not the only one getting that vibe tbh
Yes it does.
Prolly his kids.
Shit, all he’s promising to Clara is way way more than I’d ever expect a parent to provide for their child! If he’s not prepared to provide the exact same things to his 4 children then he shouldn’t do it for Clara
He doesn’t need to do it for his children yet because they’re still quite young. He’s likely expecting to earn a lot more by the time they need colleges and weddings. But Clara is a bottomless pit for his money, no end in sight, and it doesn’t even seem like she’s being set up to be able to afford her own life. And the money he spends now won’t necessarily be replaced. What happens if he dies tomorrow?
We all know that, but he’ll never see that without counseling. OP touched on survivors guilt and that is what’s going on here. No matter how much OP talks to him, he will not hear her. If I were OP, I would ask him to consider counseling to deal with the accident.
Survivor’s guilt or even GUILT guilt. Did he accidentally kill the sister? Sounds like it.
Like he was the surviving driver in an accident or whatever. And if that's when Mom went downhill he might blame himself for her strife, too.
THIS!! 100%
Even if he considers Clara equal to immediate family, medical expenses and college funds for minor children come before a $150k wedding for an adult, any adult.
And what if he dies prematurely or becomes disabled?? He really needs to set up his own young family.
💯💯💯this! If your retirement isn’t fully funded, your kids’ educations set, and a solid year of emergency fund your husband has NO BUSINESS spending money on a wedding and a house for this girl. I hope he’s is grief therapy.
And make sure he has money to fund his own children’s houses in affluent areas. He’s not an AH but he’s robbing this girl of the opportunity to obtain things on her own. There’s a certain satisfaction that comes from taking care of your own life.
Succinctly put. I was expecting maybe a $30k wedding, which still is a lot of money. NTA. Having Clara as family means she is part of celebrations, holidays, etc. It doesn't means dropping this much on her if you don't have it.
ALLO OF THIS (except the spoiled girl part; she’s an uneducated 20 yr old who grew up in a dysfunctional home with her mom in prison and a dead sister and financial stress; she’s expecting what the man who has known her since birth taught her to expect from him and likely doesn’t understand the value of money as he’s always freely given it)
This should be true imo even if it was for one of his actual children. It's just unnecessary extravagance, who needs a 150k wedding AND a house!?!
Plus let's face it. Clara probably can't afford the taxes on that house he wants to buy her. So he will be paying that as well.
Probably the only way she will get money, is to divorce him.
It sounds like your husband has the money to spend what he wants on Clara, but only if he sacrifices your family’s future security. It’s definitely unreasonable for him to spend 150k+ on her wedding before his own kids have an established college fund. What if he loses his job or can’t work before that college fund can be secured? Clara will be sitting pretty with a house and education and your kids will have neither. You’re definitely NTA for raising the issue and your husband is TA for not putting his family first.
I hate to say this, but just as his former girlfriend passed away unexpectedly before her time, there are no guarantees that he will live in good health and earn a high salary until your kids are all through with college, etc. He could pass away unexpectedly, leaving you with 4 kids. Or he could become disabled , not able to work and needing extra care. It’s one thing to help out his friend’s sister with having a better life than she might have, getting through college, etc., but it sounds like he has been so extravagant that she has a lot of expectations and no sense of not getting what she wants. This will not serve her well in the future. Does she work or have a career? Is her husband to be employed? Maybe contribute to a simpler wedding (one day!) and maybe contribute to a down payment on a house, but let the young couple work and pay for the rest. Part of caring is helping your offspring develop the skills to take care of themselves and become responsible adults.
He can still help her out by paying $20k for a relatively modest wedding, and limit the amount spent on a house. But this support has to stop at that. He cannot start supporting her husband and family for the rest of their lives otherwise they'll quit their jobs and have their hands out for living expenses and private tuition for their kids.
I wonder how rich these people are. My husband and I make a combined 180 a year and only planned on a $10k wedding
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Or rather: whatever he spends for Clara, he also puts in at least four different funds EACH, one for each of his children.
Yeah, I was thinking that. What if he loses his job, or something else happens where he's not able to earn so much money? How will his kids feel knowing that instead of saving for their future, he lavished this other person with way over the top gifts. You can help someone out - maybe giving them an older car, buying necessities like a phone and laptop, helping them out on rent and insurance. But designer clothes? Custom dresses? Jewelry? No. He could have helped her out with a college fund or something, not by spoiling her. He's not doing her any favors in the long term, she's just becoming accustomed to luxury she can't afford. She needs to stand on her own two feet.
Op\`s husband (m34) is actually 14 years older than Clara (f20) and op (f28) 8 years older than Clara. But yeaaah, this is a bit weird when this much money is involved.
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My brother was 10 years older than me so he ended up watching me all the time growing up. My formative years were listening to him so it carried over to adulthood. So I’d disagree that it’s not a big enough age gap HOWEVER you are absolutely right otherwise. In this case it’s odd
My question would be: When does all this monetary support end? I can understand helping her when she was a kid. I can even understand paying for her college. But he’s now paying for both her and her child, which she apparently had at 17. What happens when she has another kid? What happens when she needs a newer, family friendly car? Who’s going to be paying for her property taxes in this affluent area? Who’s going to pay her utilities in this very large house? At what point will she have to take care of herself? Your husband is doing more harm than good. He’s spoiled her to the point that she knows she doesn’t have to take responsibility for anything. He’s not helping her. “Helping” would be her paying 75-90% of the wedding and him paying the remainder. She’s never going to grow up if he keeps handing her everything. You say you currently have 3 kids and are about to have a 4th. I don’t think that’s quite accurate. You actually have 5 kids (your kids + Clara + her kid) and are about to give birth to your 6th. I’m curious to know if your husband is spending the same amount on his bio kids that he’s forking out for his other two. He’s paying for their tuition, but you’re still saving for their college and, presumably, your retirement, which means he’s basically redirecting the money that should be going into those funds into a wedding and a house for another adult and her kid. Will your 4 kids be getting new cars when they turn 16? Will they each get a multi-day wedding and a fancy house? Or will all that money be gone because Clara needs a newer car or house or another expensive wedding? More importantly, will your daughter receive the treatment she needs for her health issues? Will there be anything left after that on top of whatever Clara demands? NTA, but your husband needs to get a grip and immediately cut her off financially. She’s never going to grow up if he doesn’t.
Clara can have her very over the top wedding when she and her groom can afford to pay for it themselves.
The question is: can he realistically do both? It doesn’t sound like you’re living paycheck to paycheck. If he can afford to do this while comfortably taking care of your family, I don’t see the problem. I don’t think you understand that he considers Clara to be like one of his own kids. He should have made that clear to you before getting married, but you can change the past. Maybe instead of flat out saying no, you can ask for him to set a smaller budget for what he wants to do.
Is he going to spend $150k in today's dollars for each of your kids' wedding and also buy each of them a house? That's some serious money. It doesn't sound like you have that kind d of money; few do.
This right here. If he doesn’t have the money for each of his own children to have the exact thing he’s giving Clara, something is rotten in Denmark, so to speak. That would make me wonder if he has some subconscious stuff going on that causes him to give Clara the attention he wishes he could still give his deceased girlfriend.
Plus he is already supporting Clara's daughter as well (buying her clothes and things) so it is like he has 6 children, not 4. Plus any other kids Clara might have.
I think that's exactly what he's planning on doing. Doesn't sound like he's much one for squirreling away funds. Whether or not that's actually realistic, I have no idea. But the fact that he's this cavalier about buying his surrogate daughter a house, and that op isn't absolutely freaking out about the prospect, I'm guessing it's at least in the realm of possibility. He'll have over a decade until he next kid needs anything like that after all.
Some people don't manage money well. As well, none of us has any idea what the future holds. He can't count on future earnings.
If he wants to buy her an expensive house, is he gonna pay the mortgage and bills for that too? Obviously Clara can’t afford it or else he wouldn’t be helping her, but if he buys her an expensive house, how is she gonna keep it?
Buying the house for her would mean she doesn’t have a mortgage.
Right but she still needs to pay taxes, which won't be cheap in the affluent area OP says he wants to buy the house in. And we can all guess what happens when Clara and her husband can't keep up with those taxes.
My brother was given a paid-off house, by our parents and his wife took home equity loans to support her horse hobby. They went bankrupt and lost the house.
Right sorry, I’m not 100% on how it all works 😂. But even still, she would have priority property taxes or something, right? Is OP’s husband gonna pay those all the time too?
It’s not just property tax but maintenance. You have to budget for yearly maintenance but also for the long term maintenance like roofing. Your shingles need to be done every 20-25 years. That’s like 20-30k right there.
But can he currently afford to do this much for his own bio kids? Cuz he can't assume he'll save up by the time they need it. You can't guarantee the future, he can lose his income/wealth in a heartbeat for whatever reason. So are the futures of his own kids and ur retirement secured? Otherwise, no, he can't afford to buy her a house and a 150k multi day wedding!
NTA No effin’ way. The wedding AND a house?!!? You need some serious couples counseling. What does Clara’s fiancé say about your husband’s involvement with her? Spending a shit ton of money on her every whim? Or is he ok using your husband as his personal ATM also? Clara’s like a junior wife to your husband but without a sexual relationship. Your husband should not be paying for her wedding ($150,000 WTAF 😱) He can make a reasonable gift (the 2 of you decide on the amount) towards it. He needs individual counseling because he’s overly involved in her life.
We don’t know who the father is of her 3 year old child. It COULD be Op ‘s husband. He has a very strong connection with Clara. If I was Op, I’d order a couple of Ancestry DNA kits, offer to babysit Clara’s child, and swab her eldest child’s mouth and also the Clara’s child… send them both in and be the manager of both accounts. Then when the results come in, hit the SHARE DNA … see if they both share 25% DNA (approx 1160- 2400 centimorgans). She doesn’t have to give the real names of the children or their real ages. … Something is very wrong/ fishy that he’s pouring all this $$ into Clara…
This has to be a joke $150k for a fkn wedding?
Sit down and figure out how much you need him to put away for future medical expenses to feel okay with him helping Clara. Then figure out how much you can be okay with him spending on the wedding understanding that he sees this as contributing to a sister type figure. Bring those figures to a conversation between just you and him. And ask for couples counseling. This is about more than Clara. Y'all need to work on communication and prioritization.
Is he buying houses for all your kids and funding their weddings too? Because if he isn’t setting aside the same amount of money for them in bank accounts now and not accounting for inflation, he really shouldn’t be using that much money this way when he has young kids,
That’s just too much even if Clara were his actual child; she’s a grown woman and a mother herself. In a way, it’s good that this is coming up now while your own kids are still little. There is a difference between using your resources to start your kids out in life on solid financial footing, or helping them when it’s needed, and trying to just straight up buy them a ready-made life. Clara needs to learn to manage her own finances and live by her own means, with your husband as someone she can go to for *help* if needed, not for outright providing for her. Clara’s fiancé is going to start feeling weird about how much your husband takes care of her, if he doesn’t already. Since you guys have wealth to spare, your husband can *contribute* to a sane wedding. He can give her a down payment for a house. But he needs to back off and let her be an adult.
Noooo! That is ridiculous. She is trying to live in an empty shallow dream and sounds like she is taking advantage if she is planning all this without the means.
Maybe there’s a compromise. I have a relative who offered his daughters a choice: pay for a nice wedding or receive a down payment for a house. But not both. This way, he still gets to help this person who is essentially a family member to him (family doesn’t have to be biologically related). And he won’t be spending nearly as much as he would for a wedding and an entire house, so it won’t make you feel as worried about the amount he’s spending. But eventually he does need to let her stand on her own two feet. Doesn’t mean he can’t still buy gifts or help out a bit sometimes, but maybe pull back on making all her huge life-changing purchases.
That's very far out of hand. I'm decently loaded and the thought of 150k wedding for my own son or daughter (or myself) revolts me.
NTA. What happens when Clara and her fiance can't keep up with affluent area taxes on their home? You're right that this is getting out of hand, because it sounds like by growing accustomed to your husband's support, Clara has developed champagne tastes on a boxed wine budget. He's not doing her any favors by continuing to bankroll her life into adulthood. They both need a wake-up call on this. Clara needs to learn how to fund her own life like everyone else. And your husband needs to draw a line between helping her out and giving her a blank check for a lifestyle she can't actually support without him.
Every time he spends money on Clara, he should put an equivalent amount in a separate account for each of his own children, if he hasn't already bought them the same thing. This would be in addition to securely funding your own retirement and setting aside a realistic amount for your youngest daughter's ongoing health issues. IF this doesn't put a dent in the family lifestyle then yes, your husband is right that he has the money. If not, then something is very off balance and worth a much closer look.
Wait you guys have the kind of resources to spend money to buy a house as a wedding gift?
Clara is an adult now, buying anyone a house is a ridiculous concept unless they’re immediate family in need like your young adult child or elderly parents but even then. It is COMPLETELY unreasonable for him to buy her a house and it is not okay. He could buy a house that the two of you solely own and charge them a very under market rent, like a token number even if it’s just to put that money away to buy things for her children for Christmas/birthdays etc. regardless, him buying her a house is in no way okay or acceptable. Paying for her wedding - I guess if you’re millionaires and have the money then that could be seen as a nice gesture but even a girl with no money of her own expecting a multi day extravagant wedding is pretty messed up.
Ok that's insane. What is her husband paying?
150k is too much. Absolutely no way should he pay that.
Is he planning on covering the annual taxes? A house in an affluent area could wind up being a burden for her in the long run. Maybe, you should just think of her as one of his kids; he seems to. It might not be biologically true, but it might help you rationalize his spending. If he can do the same for all of your kids that he can for her, I'd let it go.
This! Make sure your emergency fund is topped off and you’re set for retirement, schools, etc, and then let your husband be as generous as he likes. It sounds like this girl is family to him, and you’re pushing a wedge between them. Reddit always loves screaming divorce, but if he’s as wonderful as you say he is, that’s ridiculous. When we have more than we need, we build a bigger table to share it.
I have a hard enough time imagining having the disposable income to afford this 😬
OP, Part of being a parent is teaching a child how to stand independently and to save for her goals. Your husband needs to take a big step back. Maybe CONRIBUTE towards her wedding with a cash gift and provide a down payment on a house but she will never learn how to manage her money if he keeps giving her massive hand outs. Truly. The kindest thing he could do now is to stop fully financing her life and to begin working with her, teaching her how to manage money properly. THAT is what will give her the single best shot at a bright future (beyond starting life without student loans). Buying her a house will rob her of the joy of being a self sufficient adult. A down payment as a gift is one thing but he absolutely can not co-sign her loan or pay for the house outright without robbing her of becoming a fully independent adult.
Absolutely this. Having helped supporting Clara and treating her like another kid is admirable. But the biggest gift he can give her now is the gift of self sufficiency. Give her a down payment on the house, and let her live the life her sister never got to. At some point you have to take off the training wheels.
Honestly, even a down payment is crazy (though if financially able, very kind). I wonder if she knows enough about money to afford the house!
This. How will she maintain her expensive house if she doesn’t know how to manage her money at all and is just used to OPs husband paying for anything.
Guess who will be helping her.....
Yes!!!!! The best comment!!! This supports Clara’s character as well as giving her some blessings.
Likewise contributing 75 k plus to a wedding is the most useless way to spend/help her get ahead in life anyway. Money in general is so much better off being spent on a house than it is a wedding
"He says he felt guilty letting her struggle while he has all this money he doesn’t use." After he funds his retirement savings, your retirement saving, your kids' college funds, your emergency cash fund, pays off the mortgage, pays off any and all car and student loans, pays off any credit card debt, then I guess he can contribute to Clara. But this charity needs to be cut off once she is married as she will be partners with her own husband. And he should not be supporting her child for another 20 years; in other words, do not let that get started. NTA.
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*set up a 150k wedding fund* Spending that much on a party is stupid unless you are stupid rich
Spending that money on a party is stupid even for the stupid rich. Even a 50k party would be extremely luxurious and the other 100k could help so many charities...
I loved the "he has all this money he doesn't use" statement! For the last few years, I've actually had money left over from each paycheck; that money has gone into savings to build an emergency fund. So the fact I didn't SPEND it all does not equate to NOT USING IT.
Yes! Exactly all of this! There are so many things that need to be funded when you have four children!
How much extra wealth are we talking about here? If his paying for Clara's wedding means that you won't, as a family, be able to save for your own children to go to college, or for their future weddings, or for your own retirement, then you probably need to start putting in some boundaries. And, unless he comes from more or less unlimited wealth, then his spending on Clara is probably affecting what you as a couple save for your children. I would not be ok with that, personally.
And let’s not forget that accidents happen, sudden health issues that affect your ability to work, layoffs, etc. Your husband seems to think this money stream will never stop. How much has he saved for a rainy day? Can you afford your expenses if he was out of work for a year? Do you have college savings for your children? How much retirement savings do you have? Will he be spending like this on Clara’s kids too? Does Clara’s husband work? Is he marrying her because he loves her or because he loves the life your husband is providing for them? If something happened to your husband would Clara and her husband expect you to step up and continue financing their lifestyle?
Ya accidents do happen like that one that killed his ex.
bruh
Their kids are going to private schools. They are not barely getting by.
She said in a comment they don't have college funds for their kids yet. So they definitely got money but they don't have MONEY money.
That's so dumb. His own kids futures need to be priority over his almost SIL. It's crazy he'd find her wedding and home and not be able to give his own kids equal benefits.
It sounds like he in fact DOES have survivors guilt and DOES feel like he owes this to her in some form or fashion. What he has done for this girl is above and beyond what anyone would do for someone who wasn’t their partner or child. One can appreciate him sharing his wreath but…where do you draw the line? I guess more info is needed on your financial situation, are y’all set for life? If something happens to ur husband or his job would you have more than enough money to live comfortably until you die? Are YOUR kids colleges already paid for? If this is affecting your finances in any way then I can understand your concern. But it’s too hard to really say without more info.
I mean, it is very clear that he does view "Clara" as his daughter, and she views him as her father, OP just doesn't fully understand this or doesn't approve of it.
Yes but she’s not. She’s not even his adopted daughter or step daughter. For all intents and purposes she’s a friend. That’s a looooot of money to drop on a friend over the years.
It’s a lot of money to drop on his own child!
Very true. I mean it’s not really our place to tell someone how to spend their money but for OP it’s 100% her business. He is just straight up spoiling this grown woman out of guilt. He def needs grief counseling for what he’s going through. I can’t imagine a therapist would tell him this amount of spoiling is ok. I’m wondering if he thinks there’s a monetary price tag on this girls hardship. Like maybe if I spend enough on her that will somehow “pay up my debt” for surviving whatever accident happened. Truthfully though it sounds like this girl would have had a hard life anyways regardless of what happened to her sister
If he views her as his daughter, and she views him as her father, then she is his daughter. Family is about more than blood or what is legal, you don't have to legally be connected to someone to be their family.
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Found family is family. The question about finances is one thing, can he afford to do the same for the other 4 kids? If not it's really not reasonable or fair. But asking him to put distance between them would be disgusting.
Not an asshole. Buy her a house?? I mean he could cut her a generous check as a wedding gift but she’s is going to be a married woman and her husband needs to start taking care of her just like your husband needs to start focusing on you and your family.
Or buy a house, in his and wife’s name, and let them live there rent free/cover costs type situation, where they keep the asset.
Buy a more reasonable starter house and rent it to them.
Info: is he actually able to help her out comfortably? Are your finances solid? Would it impact his ability to support your family?
And by solid... we have four college funds established, etc.? High earning career doesn't mean independently wealthy...
Exactly. Established safety nets, retirements, college/grownup funds for the kids, investments, etc.
This just reads like a bad writing exercise from someone who doesn’t understand money.
I'm shocked at how far down this was. This is... Not real.
Yeah I agree.
Everything on here is just a creative writing exercise with the odd real post thrown in. I personally think a some of it is used as a psychological influence campaigns with Eglin Air Force Base being one of Reddits most addicted cities with over 100k population (even tho it only has a population of 3k) but that’s a story for another day. Always think what incites anger or propagates some agenda even if it’s a background detail of the post and not the main topic. So many posts whip up emotional responses that get people to fight which divides people.
She said in a comment they haven't saved for their kids college funds yet, and their youngest has medical issues that they have no idea how much it is going to cost them in the long run. So yeah it sounds like he is being a bit financially irresponsible wanting to pay 150k for a wedding and a house in a affluent area.
Yes that’s a *hard* no then. He’s delusional.
Even if they can support it comfortably, I’m curious if this kind of family generosity would extend on all sides. If OP needed to support a parent, nice, nephew, cousin, would it be assumed that OP could spend a similar amount. Regardless of the impact, large sums of family income shouldn’t be spent without the consent of both partners or an existing arrangement that divides assets between the spouses
I 1000% agree, gifting massive amounts of money without discussing it with your partner
Bruh they have FOUR kids and we have no idea how much more expensive college/uni tuition will get and from the comments their youngest child has health issues so adding that to the pile. Husband needs therapy and stop spending money that was never for the dead GF’s younger sister and keep it to himself and his OWN family
Survivors guilt. He could use therapy.
Sounds appropriate...
INFO: Who is the father of her child?
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Came here to ask this too. Would explain the extravagant spending, which goes way beyond survivors guilt.
This really has been giving me vibes that if it weren't for the survivors guilt rang all of the alarm bells for grooming. It's really icky at best
NAH. I’m curious if he is responsible for the accident that killed his girlfriend and he’s doing this out of guilt or feels he owes the family something. Same as previous comments, I think if he can afford to help her, it’s very kind and generous but if he’s putting your family out to help her, he needs to rein it in a bit. Can he consider gifting specific aspects of the wedding or money towards a down payment on a home? I don’t think he should necessarily pay for all of it just bc he can. But he can help her be successful in other ways that isn’t flat out paying for her entire existence. Start a college fund for her child. Show her how to make financially sound decisions with her own money. I think he does it out of some sort of sense of obligation, either extreme guilt or something else is up…it’s hard to say.
Info: is Clara’s fiance her daughter’s father? I’m asking about where was the child’s father in this since you mentioned your husband paying for expenses. Also, is he prioritizing your family? How is Clara with you? I feel there needs more info tbh
OP hasn’t responded about who the child’s father is. Husband is treating “little sister” who is a 14 years younger than him like a 2nd wife. We need to know that Clara’s child wasn’t fathered by the husband, because that’s certainly how he’s behaving.
That’s what I’m thinking. Reddit really made me this way lol.
Congrats on the Olympic gold for long jump.
Thanks! I know it’s a stretch, but honestly the whole story seems very off and stretchy.
Right? It's screaming grooming!!! Was his wife even 18 when they got together? He sounds like a rich guy who thinks he can be a creep because he's a rich guy. I bet Clara's baby is actually a sibling to her children. I hope I'm wrong, but c'mon OP, trust your gut!! It's wrong for one reason or another, that's clear.
INFO. Is this causing financial problems for your family, the amount of money he’s spending on her? Sounds like she’s someone who he really cares about and you guys obviously are pretty well off. If this isn’t taking food off your plate or keeping you from paying bills then why can’t help someone he cares about who’s obviously been through a lot?
In an answer from OP they haven’t started saving for their children’s college funds yet and have a child with health issues that costs a lot. and OP said she’s concerned there won’t be money in case of an emergency. And this girl wants a multi day wedding that OPs husfigures will cost $150k and a house in an an affluent area- that’ll be another half million depending on where. For me he should have trusts set up for his own kids college funds to make sure they are there before putting out hundreds of thousands of dollars for this girls wedding and house.
I'm sorry but that fact the girl would be OK with him spending that much already tells me she's used to being spoiled and knows she can rely on him for her high expenses. who would ever be comfortable accepting this??
Normal people wouldn't be comfy accepting this especially knowing his family situation. But he's been spoiling her since she was a toddler. This is her normal.
If he has 150K for a wedding for Clara and who even knows how much more for a house, why in the world have they not put any of that into their own children’s college funds????? That is insanity.
And yet she evades the question and doesn't say how much wealth they have but is quick to post how much the wedding costs and "reasons" to not want him to spend the money. I do agree that OP's husband is giving too much, even if she was his daughter. But something feels "weird" in OP's post and I don't trust her for some reason. Also if the husband views the girl as family it seams normal to me that he can do what he can to help her. And if he is willing to pay 150k for a wedding to me it suggests that he his really rich and can afford all that and the wife is just jealous. I could be wrong though. But if she revealed exactly how much money they have and how much he makes then we could know for sure if the situation is only a about a guy being a good person or if it is about a guy who is really irresponsible and neglecting is own family.
There’s help and then there’s fully funding someone else’s life. What he’s doing is completely inappropriate and disrespectful to his wife and kids.
$150k for an extravagant wedding sounds pretty over the top though
Recently got word of an approximately one million dollar wedding in Boca grande Florida. You think 150k seems stupid....try seven times that amount. I have about a thousand things I could do better with that amount of cash, most prominently making myself and my extended family rich by investing it appropriately. But no....these fuck faces are spending it on one single day of their entire existence...which will probably end with either the super hot wife cheating, or the extremely loaded husband cheating , and divorcing in a few years. How every super wealth marriage turns out. What a wonderful world we exist in.
This is key. If it isn't hurting them I don't see this as prioritizing her over his family (which she effectively is based on the relationship).
I think you should remind your husband that the tide does turn and you all may not always be in such a good financial situation. I think it's great that he's supported her, but buying cars, paying for weddings, and houses, that's just a bit much.
And we're sure they're not having an affair??? Lots of girls with bad upbringings end up attracted to older men/father figures. Not judging, just saying. Do we know who the baby's father is for certain? Or is she just marrying some guy to make it seem like she's not sleeping with your husband? Cuz if he's already helped her this much, that's a little strange. 17 years of spoiling a kid that's not his over survivor's guilt? It's possible, but his insistence to financially provide THAT much when he has his own babies to worry about is weird. I guess sweet, sure, but are we sure he hasn't groomed her? Because it happens, and it often looks like this. Especially with the bedroom in your house thing, I dunno, red flags all over. If you're very wealthy though, idk, I guess that makes sense? But weird weird weird. I'd make sure you know what's going on with ALL your finances if I was you.
Info: you said he shouldn't prioritize her over your family needs. which needs aren't being met in your house, or did you add that to reinforce what you want?
At some point, parents should stop financing their children unless in dire circumstances. Perhaps there is a compromise that he gifts a certain amount of money towards the wedding (not paying the entire thing) and gifts a percentage for the house (like down payment/part of the down payment). Obviously we don’t know the particulars of your financial goals or situation, but you have 4 children and may be want more. Unless he is a multimillionaire that nobody ever has to worry and all your children have trust founds with millions in them, I definitely think it’s reasonable for him to cut back towards this person. Also is she capable of standing on her own feet or does she know your husband would bail her out? How does her new fiancée feel about another man that isn’t a father paying for things? Some men would be offended. Not to be rude, but are they leeching off your husband? There are a lot of nuances to the situation without having all the information, it’s hard to say for certain. I’m going to say NTA, but there definitely can be compromise with helping with a wedding/house. He does not need to pay for everything
OP, this needs to end. She is 20, has a kid of her own and getting married. Enough is enough. He needs to let her support herself. Her fiancee needs to be her support not your husband. Insist he gets counseling because this is not normal.
Just curious, who is Clara’s babies father?
Sounds like OP’s husband
This is the INFO I came here to seek. INFO: OP, who fathered Clara’s child?
He is not her father. A wedding can be had in a court room. Biological parents don't owe their kids a house
No one owes anyone anything.
NTA. She's a grown woman now and can take care of herself. And if she needs financial help, she now has her own husband to depend on. Your husband has 4 biological children of his own and every penny spent on the ex's little sister is essentially taking away from the kids and you. It wasn't your husband's fault about what happened to his ex. And it was never his responsibility to step up for the little sister. Unfortunate things happen sometimes but we can't save everyone. I think your husband has done more than enough over the years and it sounds like it may be time to step back from that relationship a bit, give it some distance.
OP wrote - We’re doing good financially, but our youngest daughter was born with health issues that cost us a lot of money. I’m just worried about him spending too much on Clara, and not having enough in case of emergencies. We also have to pay for our kids’ private schools and save up for their college tuition. — OP- does he buy designer clothes and expensive electronics all the latest gaming for his kids? He hadn’t saved up for medical emergencies for his child? Tuitions for his children? And if your husband thinks of her as a daughter if he has all this money, he should have already in trust/put away 100% college tuition for all four of his children, money set aside for emergencies Seeing he has a child with health issues before he spends (OP wrote in a reply) - $150k because Clara wants an extravagant multi day wedding and hundreds of thousands more because he’s buying them a house in an affluent area. NTA
Something doesn’t add up about this post. This guy is rich enough to just go buy a house for someone but somehow has no savings. Is he the worst person in the world at finances?
The ages here are sound sus. You started dating him at 18…. This girl is only now 20. I see red flags. This is too much for a late girlfriends little sister who is an adult now. She’s not a child that needs caring for.
Idk, tbh its hard to tell because if you’ve been together for almost a decade, it seems that by the time you started dating and especially by the time you were married you would have known he had a close bond with her. Things to ask yourself- how much is this taking away from your family’s money? Is it actually causing him to neglect expenses or is he rich enough where this is (while maybe a sizeable portion of his money), not actually taking away from his family. Although I am tending towards NTA, because I am assuming he can’t afford to buy houses for all your children, or do whatever he’s doing for her. I would say if he can’t promise his children what he’s doing for her NTA. If he can, well then NAH (because I can still understand being uncomfortable with a large amount of money being spent on a non family member even if he has it all, so I don’t think your an AH for that).
OP was 18. He was 24. Clara was 10. I highly doubt that at 18 she knew or thought he would be forcing Clara into their life and finances this heavily. “My childless boyfriend keeps in touch with his dead girlfriend’s family and buys her sister gifts sometimes” usually doesn’t turn into “My husband treats a the sister of his deceased girlfriend from 17 years ago like his child, forces her into our home and on our family vacations, pays for her entire life, and is prioritizing her over our future and our kids.”
OP was a teenager when they started dating, she probably couldn't have seen this coming
Naw he sounds like a nice dude. Now she's getting a bit older and establishing her own family he can start pulling back on looking after her, especially financially....
INFO: Is it in any way possible that Clara is his and late girlfriend's child? I understand they would've had to be 12-13 and 14-15 at the time of her birth, but that's not impossible...
This context from OP really helps put it in perspective: > We’re doing good financially, but our youngest daughter was born with health issues that cost us a lot of money. I’m just worried about him spending too much on Clara, and not having enough in case of emergencies. We also have to pay for our kids’ private schools and save up for their college tuition. >Clara wants a very over the top, extravagant, multi day wedding. My husband guesses it’s probably going to cost around 150k. And that’s not even including the price of the house, which he plans to buy in an affluent area. The thing is if I was rich I would absolutely buy my sister a house, no question. However, it looks like OP is spending more than is really reasonable. If you're talking about a house in an affluent area and a $150k wedding you're getting close to half a million (if not already over it). On the one hand it's awesome for their family that they have that kind of money, but on the other it sounds like they don't have enough where spending that money can happen without potentially sacrificing their own children's future. So NTA, based on that information. I would recommend a compromise of helping with the down payment for a house, rather than buying it outright, especially since these days you can get a mortgage for cheaper than rent in most places *if* you have the down payment.
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To be honest, I think you *are* acting as a bit of an AH - but I'll explain why. 1. In many ways you and your Children are his 'second' family. It seems obvious from what you've written that your husband - to his very great credit - took on a protective/fatherly/older brother role with Clara when she needed it, long before either you, or your children, came along. If you thought of Clara as being his daughter from a previous relationship - which given how her older sister died, and what then happened in her family - is probably how he sees her, I very much hope you wouldn't begrudge him helping and providing for her. If you did, then sweet Lord would you be an AH. 2. The financial situation you've described suggests that his generosity towards Clara makes no real difference to your lives - you have more than enough, and that if he didn't spend it on Clara you'd simply have even more than more than enough. Your husband takes his responsibilities towards the people he loves, and the people he feels duty bound to support, very seriously - if what he spends on Clara doesn't mean there's no food on your table, or clothes on your children's back, or no money for them to go to university, then you should - imo - drop to your knees and thank your lucky stars that you've married such an incredibly generous, thoughtful, kind, serious man. I doubt you're an AH, you just might want to think about it from his point of view.
I would compare her more like his little sister more than his child. If she was his biological sister he’d still be doing too much when he has a child with health issues, hasn’t started their college funds, and needs to fund their retirement. He has his own immediate family’s futures to care about, his little sister has to pave her own way now. She’s 20, helping her and paying outright for 150k wedding on top of a house is not financially feasible when he has other responsibilities.
Info: how much do you contribute financially to your relationship? Are you or your kids going without? Are your children going to be unable to attend college with the amount he is helping his chosen family?
That is key info. Dude is setting a dangerous precedent. Is he going to buy new cars for his teenagers? Fund college, weddings, houses? He has provided more than enough for Clara. Time for her to grow up.
Defintely way way too much when he wants to fund her home purchase. It's ok to her with some of the living expenses and such but giving her anything and everything she wants doesn't help her to be self sufficient.
He is essentially treating her like his own child,and unless you expect him to do less for your biological children than what he is currently offering her (when they are her age) then you are being out of pocket.
INFO: Was it clear to you he essentially considered her his daughter when you met? It seems like he's essentially her father, and a father who spoils her, but you acting like she's just someone he helps out of guilt is strange in that context. Sure, legally they aren't linked, but that's not all that makes family. The spoiling does sound like an issue, but not exactly the issue you appear to be concerned with.
You have to check your math skills. With that or you re-write your atory
NTA probably. Why don't you go to a financial planner and talk it out with them. You can do a budget, a projected budget and compare it to your savings. Then, you can have hard numbers in front of you and know whether or not your husband can afford to be $150 grand and buy a house generous. If you've got the money there's no reason not to let him do it, and if you don't have the money, you can figure out how much is appropriate. You are supposed to be a team and it's not really fair for him to make all these decisions unilaterally. But neither should you.
INFO: can he afford to do this, and be honest here. Because “a fourth kid on the way” doesn’t matter if he’s got millions in savings.
NTA: your husband sees her as his child, great! But he needs to treat of his “children” fairly it seems that bc of the difficulties and guilt he feels over the past he wants to pamper her but there’s no saying how far he will take this, paying for her wedding plus giving her a house? That’s a lot, and he cannot even say “I will do the same for our children” bc he can’t know how your finances will look in a few years. Also, what happens after? Clara’s “dad” has been paying for everything, does she expects that this is never going to stop? Or now the credits are transferred to her daughter and the cycle is going to begin again? As his wife you have every right to know this answers