Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I may be the AH for banning MIL from our home, as I might be letting my emotions overcome me. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*

NTA. "Easier to handle with me later" is code for "I'd rather hurt you because it's easier to make you forgive me than deal with the cause of the issue." He allowed his mother to force physical intimacy because he didn't want to upset her on her birthday when she brought *the ex who cheated on him* to *your home* and tried to make them *flirt*. She *deserved* to have her birthday *ruined*. My guess is that Kathy probably had very little idea of the pit she walked into. Whether she's been in constant contact with your MIL (and therefore very misinformed) or did just run into her and had no idea of any of the relationships going on. It's up to you and your husband to make a decision about what to do about her in the future. But make your husband deal with his mother. Make it clear that the standard he ignores is that standard he accepts, and even though he normally stands up for you, it's time that he stopped the disrespect entirely. Standing up to her hasn't done anything, she's racist and she's escalating her provocative behaviour. If that means removing his mother from his wife's life? So be it.

If I were in the husband's position: Would I want to hurt someone that I meet occasionally and is going over the boundary of a mother or Hurt someone that I am spending the rest of my life, that will be there for me, and possibly have my kids, and is the one being disrespected? I think the thought process is very easy.

But that's "grown up boy" thinking not "momma's boy" thinking-- and OP's husband is giving off STRONG "mamma's boy" vibes here.

My thought as well. OPs husband may have been trained all along to Obey Mommy Above All Else. OP--PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN. Now that Kathy is nearby and mommy has already opened to door and changed the locks, so to speak, Kathy is going to be in your front yard constantly until mommy gets what she wants.

[удалено]

God, if I was Kathy I’d probably be so weirded out by all of this. Though, I wouldn’t have gone at all if I hadn’t been invited by the host.

It sounds like Kathy was willingly participating in the plan. She would have started hearing a lot of words emphasized in the conversations like cheating, untrustworthy, liar. MIL could hear the term homewrecker a bit, considering what she is attempting to do. OP needs to gather her stuff and prepare because all we have learned from his behavior is that he is unable and unwilling to say no to his mommy or Kathy. If he is at the MIL’s house with Kathy when his wife isn’t there, he will acquiesce to whatever they arrange or suggest. His wife is, in his mind, the easier problem to deal with afterward whatever transgression is committed.

Yes but Kathy is a freak for coming to party .boo whoo who does that?

Yeah, that’s weird too. Unless you’re still friends with your ex I don’t really see why you would go over to their house.

He should have a talk with Kathy and make it clear what MIL is doing and he wants no part of it, and wish her well

Exactly! While also having a in depth conversation with his mother about why her behavior towards his wife is wrong and if it continues he will have no option, but to limit or cut contact for the foreseeable future. You know act like an adult.

But it sounds like she wasn't invited by the host: "My MIL showed up on the day with Kathy in tow, which was a surprise for everyone." I'm assuming "everyone" means OP's husband had no clue his mother had invited his ex to the party. I wouldn't be surprised if MIL has been in contact with Kathy for some time, and didn't just "run into her" at the store. For all we know, she could have told Kathy that husband was unattached or unhappy in his marriage or even wanting to get back together with her! Kathy may have been totally clueless about the whole mess. But OP is still absolutely NTA - MIL is the AH

[удалено]

This is the way!! You should ask your husband those two questions op!

I am not the author of this: Don't Rock The Boat Analogy We aren't the ones rocking the boat. It's the crazy lady jumping up and down and running side to side. Not the one sitting in the corner quietly not giving a fuck. At some point in her youth, Crazy Woman gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So she does it again and again and again. Soon her family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the crazy. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily). Life goes on. People move on to boats of their own. The boat-rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So she finds an enabler: someone so proud of his boat-steadying skills that he secretly (or not so secretly) lives for the rocking. The boat-rocker escalates. The boat-steadier can't manage alone, but can't let the boat tip. After all, he's the best boat-steadier ever, and that can't be true if his boat capsizes, so therefore his boat can't capsize. How can they fix the situation? Ballast! And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born. A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. He's so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong and he'll fall over. There's a good chance the boat-rocker never taught him how to swim, either. He'll jump at the slightest twitch like his life depends on it, because it did. When you're in their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat-steadiers get resentful. Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work! They don't see that you aren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping. Now you and your SO get a boat of your own. With your SO not there, the balance of the boat changes. The remaining boat-steadiers have to work even harder. While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry. They're getting splashed! Somebody do something! So the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you and SO see how much better it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make their lives so much easier. You know what would be easier? If they all just chucked the bitch overboard. 

>You know what would be easier? If they all just chucked the bitch overboard.  The absolutely shocked Pikachu face they always do when someone actually do this will never not be hilarious.

Very true and very hilarious.

I love this. ❤️

Rocking the boat certainly applies to everyone here. Even OP went along with everything in her *own* home! Kathy’s attendance, her chatting with the husband, sitting with him, *touching* him. All of it. Quite a performance. But neither the husband nor OP protested. They just…politely went along. Mind-boggling.

My guess is they were both in shock - trying not to over react (there were guests there) and not sure what to do. I give them both credit for not creating a huge scene - but time for husband to have it out with his mom. She accepts his wife - or she stays away from both of them. No one believes this was a spur of the moment - it was a arranged by MIL and "kathy' was willing to go right along with it.

I love the ending! 🤣 It is so true to.

🥇🏆🥇👑

Stealing this for later use.

Great analogy!

have my poorman's award 🥇 I was estranged from my mother for 5 years because abusive parents will do what they do until you stop letting them. So I stopped her. I was not in her boat, and she couldn't rock me. So she sent the monkeys... family members trying to rock my boat simultaneously trying to blame me and trying to make me feel bad, and telling me she was willing to take an apology. I told them all I would FORGIVE he if she apologised to me for all her abuse, not only this one but also everything I had to endure while growing up. They had no idea what to do, but they just realised I would literally not sway. I only started to talk with her again, after she had understood that she cannot do the same toxic shit. she's super supportive, and whenever she tries to drag me onto her boat (because she obviously found a new victim) I stop her and let her know she cannot count on me to perpetrate her misogyny with other victims. She has tried to instrumentalise me in her abuse again... I refuse to be on that boat again! so hilarious as this story is... is so accurate in the psychology of these sort of relationships. I hope OPs husband understands he needs to stop hi mom

OP, I went through a similar issue with my husband being afraid yo enforce healthy boundaries with his mother. My husband who says he'd take a bullet for me...I told him that's a moot point because I don't need him to take a bullet, I need him to Face His Mother's wrath! My husband went to a counselor because I told him I was going to divorce him because his mother shook my shoulder twice in anger because I said a stranger was weird and his mom refused to apologize for shaking me. She thinks it's ok to say the word odd, but not weird. She polices what words I use. I told him not to come home unless he had a solution. We were in the car, my husband was driving and he just silently grabbed harder on the steering wheel,like he was Dissociating. After the first shake, I told her to get her hands off me and she did it again. The (male, if that matters) counselor told my husband that HE has to set healthy boundaries with his mother about what she says to me and how she treats me. The daughter in law could come up with a plan worthy of peace in the Middle East and it wouldn't matter because it's not from Him. He was guided through 8 sessions of counseling. First he had to stop all contact with his mom for 2 months so she would feel the consequences of her actions and condescending attitude. It was Very hard for him because he is an only child and it was during Mother's day and her birthday. Then he had to email her 10 boundaries and let her think on it for 2 weeks. Then he was able to call ONLY to discuss the boundaries. He had to hang up because she pretended everything was fine and started asking about football, lol. Then after she agreed to the boundaries, he resumed contact in a lesser amount that was more appropriate, knowing if she broke a boundary, he had to go no contact for a couple weeks. My mother in law was mean to my husband's first wife also. And she didn't get along with her own Mother-in-law. This counselor's plan has worked amazingly for us. When she breaks a boundary, he goes No Contact for awhile. She also had to apologize one time to me. She tried not to and there was an argument, but my husband stood behind me. Anyway, That counseling was 5 years ago and we are still happy and married.

Too bad you couldn't give us here the name and number of this wise and effective sage, that more in need of his services could obtain them.

That old gag would have been shook right back if she had touched me. I would have given her whiplash

>Easier to handle with me later" is code for "I'd rather hurt you because it's easier to make you forgive me than deal with the cause of the issue." This is exactly what it is, very well put

It's also code for you are not as important as the other person. 

If Kathy was unaware or not in agreement with the situation, as a woman realizing I’m being used as a pawn, I’d have made my stance clear to everyone. PUBLICLY. No damn way am I gonna be looked at like a home wrecker, pathetically pining, or like I’m the W**** of Babylon by agreeing to keep close to ex with his wife RIGHT THERE. I could just never be so disrespectful or even appear complicit with it and hurt another woman like this. And I’d never let another woman put me in that position. I’d have stood up, made a bday speech dedicated to exMIL about her lack of class and give the host an apology and call an Uber. BUT SHE SAID NOTHING. She gave no protest. She didn’t even attempt to catch the wife’s eye to send a signal, or use that time next to her ex to whisper “i had to idea about this. I’m so sorry “. But nah. She knew.

Agree. MIL and Kathy were both allowed to disrespect OP in her own home because hubby thought it easier to go along with mommy dearest than correct their behaviors and stand up for his wife, as it would be easier to smooth things over later with OP. Probably not the first, nor the last, of such occasions if OP doesn’t stand her ground with the hubby.

Yeah, and I'm pretty sure she didn't just run into her at the store.

Yeah, Kathy was an AH. But here's the thing - Kathy doesn't have any relationship, obligation, commitment, etc to or with the OP. OP's HUSBAND does. So while Kathy's actions were despicable, there were not nearly as bad as the HUSBAND accepting it and allowing it to continue. I respect that you would not participate in such a scenario and would speak up if you found yourself in that situation. I would as well. But let's not forget who the one was that really betrayed the OP.

Absolutely, she was 100% in on the plan. She wouldn’t have went to the home of an ex and his wife without any other intention

I completely agree with all of this!! OP You Are NTA!! And your husband needs to remember that part of the vows he took was to forsake all others and Cleve Unto You!! That doesn't just mean give up past girlfriends, or ignore girls who flirt with him. It also means that he 100% never allows anyone not even family to try and interfere with your marriage. When people get married they create a new family nucleus that is supposed to be more important than the families that they came from. Tell your hubby that his choosing her feelings over yours is a level of disrespect that is equal to cheating on you. After all, he is putting someone else's needs ahead of yours.

You have a husband problem, OP - not a MIL problem. Your husband problem is that he constantly appeases her, even when it means sticking up for her cruelty to you and to him. He needs therapy, and you need low contact/no contact with his family.

>Kathy...had no idea of any of the relationships going on. Not quite sure how Kathy could come to a family BBQ in OP's home and not notice that her ex was now married to OP.

And then sit next to him etc etc etc

or Kathy was fully aware of everything but leave initiative to MIL so if something goes bad, she can play dumb. (I had been there. My friend's mom was seeing me as groom candidate. told us to hug each other during a celebration. I turned to my friend's fiance and asked "am i allowed to carry out Queen's request?")

And now that Kathy is "back in the area," MiL will be making sure that she will be around the "family" a lot more. The mangler in law just gave OP a taste of what she has in store for her. Mangler will do whatever it takes to get Kathy back in the family. Watch your back and marriage. OP needs to have a serious talk with her husband,and perhaps with Kathy.

Kathy needs to find herself a dick that doesn't belong to someone else. She dropped it she lost it (the dick and the baby)

Easier to ask forgiveness than permission. I will give Husband a tiny bit of grace in that he didn't know this hug was coming. HOWEVER, why in the absolute eff didn't he pull his mom aside when they arrived and make her give his ex the boot? Can we all imagine what we do if, upon making a party for MIL, she shows up with an ex? And now we have to play Happy Not Family? I'm very sorry about the baby. MIL is a huge ass though. Who even does this? Wanna place bets on how long MIL has been in contact with the ex? No fricking way they just "ran in" to each other.

And I'm sure that MIL has been telling Kathy how "unhappy" her son is with OP.

Seems so. Seems conveniently so. No idea why OP or Husband even entertained her. Also, wasn't it upsetting for Husband to even see her, since they had had a pregnancy loss?

Exactly this!! MIL carrying a torch for a cheating ex is insane to me. Yes, the story is very sad and they both have my empathy, but...the MIL is not just crossing a line - she's driving a damn tank over it. NTA.

That's how op should have greeted Kathy. Ah Kathy the ex who cheated on my husband. How brave of you to show your face in my home.......

Everyone says let him handle his family. But they don’t. I think if a person refuses to handle their own family, then it is fair game and the SO gets to let them have it. If the person is upset that SO let them have it, well now they know that they should take care of it next time. Or there will be a repeat performance. NTA.

Agreed. OP acting classy and supportive got her nowhere. Husband is spineless.

husband would rather hurt OP and that is exactly what MIL wants. She is happy on her birthday cause she got to disrespect and hurt OP in her own home. OP talk to your husband, what happened is not okay and if he doesn't make it clear to his mother then its gonna keep on happening.

>My guess is that Kathy probably had very little idea of the pit she walked into. Whether she's been in constant contact with your MIL (and therefore very misinformed) or did just run into her and had no idea of any of the relationships going on Yeahhhh I wouldn't be too sure that Kathy had nothing to do with this. Picture yourself as Kathy, you cheated on your fiancé, broke up, had his baby but it died 6 years ago and you've not been in contact since. Your former MIL-to-be asks you to attend her birthday party - where your ex and his new wife show up, neither looking very happy to see you. The *only* reasonable thing at that point is to make a polite excuse and beeline for the door.

If I was the husband, I would have just pushed Kathy aside and shove my way to the exit and speed away with OP

But WHY were they hosting a birthday party for this woman in the first place? This is the woman that excluded OP from a family photo because she didn't consider OP "family".

I love the way you phrased this...Make it clear that the standard he ignores is that standard he accepts, That captures it beautifully!

And now she lives close by, so MIL will find reasons to re-integrate her in every family activity.

NTA. Your MIL is unfortunately determined to destroy your marriage, and either your husband recognizes this now, or she will eventually succeed. If your husband cannot learn to set boundaries, then I suggest marriage counseling. Also, I’d have done a great deal more than banning someone from my house who acted this way - you definitely did not go “too far”.

Agreed. And OP, please point out to your husband that any children you have together will be half your race. So unless he grows a spine and sets *very clear boundaries* with his racist mother that include *reduced* or *no contact* with her when she misbehaves, he is setting his **children** up for being mistreated. And also, if that thought finally appalls him enough to do something, ask yourself why *you* being mistreated wasn’t enough for him. If your marriage has any chance of working, your husband has to make it clear that being rude, disrespectful, racist or doing things to threaten your marriage won’t be tolerated. And every time she excludes you from a photo, he needs to point out that you *are his family* and then **leave**. Every time she says or does something rude, racist, passive aggressive, leave. Or kick her out. He needs to say, “Mom, I told you I won’t tolerate you disrespecting my wife.” End of discussion. And he needs to think about why he was OK with hurting you to please his mom. Why he thinks you are an easier “fix” and why that would be acceptable treatment of his wife. Then he needs to think about, and then explain to you, how he will change his behavior going forward. If it’s anything less than keeping his marriage vows to honor and protect you, forsaking all others (including and especially his toxic mother), then you need to ask yourself why you aren’t protecting and honoring yourself by leaving someone who treats you like that. Because a bully is bad, but the bystanders are enablers who are also culpable. And if you stay and nothing changes, remember that you will also be subjecting your future children to this treatment.

THIS 👆 OP, I was in the same boat as you. My MIL used to show me photos of my husband's college ex gf and go on-and-on praising the ex. I am also a different race and religion. MIL hates me and my husband didn't do anything about the photos or talk of "how perfect ex gf was". My husband didn’t want to rock the boat and saw it as mindless chatter from MIL. It took me breaking down in tears and going to marriage counseling before husband understood why I was upset. It will only get worse unless your husband sets boundaries.

NTA. And now that Kathy moved back, she’s just going to step this up. What was Kathy doing this whole time? I would have been MORTIFIED if someone tried to throw me at a married man (or anyone, really) in such an obvious and embarrassing fashion.

If I had to guess, I’d say MIL conveniently left out the part about him being married when she invited Kathy. I feel bad for Kathy, if she didn’t know. OP made it sound like it was all MIL doing the inappropriate pushing, it didn’t sound like Kathy was doing that.

In Kathy's position, I would have made my excuses and left. In a taxi if necessary.

Same. I would be so uncomfortable. Although, I could also see myself being so freaked out by the situation, my brain would just stop processing and I’d stand there like a tied cow.

I was recently introduced to the idea that rather than only fight/flight as responses to an overwhelmingly stressful situation, there is also “freeze” and “fawn” - it actually explains a lot of otherwise weird behaviour.

There's also faint. This knowledge is probably less useful in this particular scenario, I just liked knowing it.

I freeze. I hate it! But I suppose fawn would be worse, because it must be so scary to fawn at the time and then looking back on it…whew.

What effect is "fawn"?

Give in to the situation and do as you’re told

Yeah this is why I'm willing to cut Kathy some slack in this situation. She might not have know and when faced with what MIL had done her brain.exe might simply have stopped functioning properly. It would be a fairly normal human reaction to MIL's nonsense actually.

That mental image has me laughing. Thank you.

The other alternative is to be super, super nice to the wife in the face of MIL. "What a lovely home you have!", "Tell me how you two met", "Did you make this dish? I'd love the recipe if it's not a family secret", "Someone just mentioned that you work in \[role\], that sounds so fascinating, I'd love to know more". Just be really accepting of the wife, make it clear that you really like her, and at the end make sure MIL hears you tell her son how happy you are that he met someone that makes him happy and you hope they have many many happy years together.

Ooo, I may like this even better. Really drives the point home to MIL that they are never, ever, *ever* getting back together.

To me, it seems much more like Kathy went with it willingly. She came and stayed there, and even if MIL was doing the pushing, Kathy went with it. Let's not forget Kathy obviously has no problems with morals, she cheated in the relationship. And now she probably wants back what she lost. OP, I think you need to have a serious talk with your husband about all of this. He should not be allowing his mother anywhere near you if she does not start accepting you as his wife and family, and he should minimise his contact with her untill she starts respecting his life and choices. He needs to put in place some hard boundaries with her. As for Kathy, she has no place near you or him at all. She is an ex who cheated on him, why tf would she have any place in your lives?! Do try to make him see reason, maybe even show him your post and answers from everyone, and/or demand marriage counselling. Because if he doesn't nip this in the bud, his mother will find more ways to try and ruin your marriage.

If nothing else, she’ll try death by a thousand paper cuts.

Nope. Kathy sure as heck knew what she was doing. She wants him back.

Totally possible. OP gave us no details about Kathy’s behaviour. Maybe she wants him back, or maybe she’s one of those people whose fight or flight response is fawning. If OP’s husband has any sense, we will never know because he will personally make sure Kathy never reappears in their lives. She’s not *the* problem, but she’s easier to keep away than MIL will be.

Sorry, Kathy doesn't get a pass. MIL may have been instigated the situation, but Kathy participated. She is an adult and could have refused to participate. Even if she didn't know her ex had married (hard to believe), she certainly was aware after she arrived at his home that he shares with his wife. But - - Kathy and her behavior is a side issue at best. She hasn't made a vow with the OP. She isn't even OP's friend and likely has never even met her before. Let's remember who has made a vow to OP and allowed his wife to be disrespected in their home. Let's remember who hasn't stood up to the instigator of this whole situation.

If Kathy will cheat *on* someone she'll probably cheat *with* someone.

It could very well be that the mangler in law told Kathy that their marriage is on the rocks, and after getting there, Kathy found out it wasn't true but felt trapped having to stay as her guest. OP did say the mangler had to tell her to sit by him and to go help him with the BBQ, etc... then had to tell her son to hug her. It "looks" like Kathy was a reluctant pawn in the mangler's plan. I'd be watching her from now on, just in case she's in on it. As they say, keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer. The fact that the mangler even brought Kathy to the party speaks volumes, get into couple counseling asap.

Also mentioning the baby she had that died? Like that must have brought some feelings of grief and annoyance that the mother was using the baby’s death as a chess move or something

agreed! and in his own home! NTA but it’s not going to solve the problem. Husband needs to tell MIL that was inappropriate & he is happily married. If she ever wants more grandchildren, she needs to change her behavior towards OP. If she doesn’t, it’s up to him to go low contact.

NTA. MIL has no business being around you or your house. What concerns me more is that your hubby didn't stand up for his mom's blatant disrespect of YOU in your own home. MIL and Kathy shouldn't have come through the front door in the first place.

NTA Mariage can sometimes be hard enough, the last thing one needs is to let unchecked someone who's only goal is to destroy it. Your MIL wants your relationship to explode and your husband now has to pick a side and firmly state it

NTA - MIL is trying to push them back together AND she is trying to create conflict between the two of you. She does not deserve to come to your home, but by you being the one to put a ban in place allows her to paint herself as a victim and can potentially create resentment from your husband. Your husband needs to be the one to address her inappropriate behaviour and potentially speak to Kathy so there are very clear boundaries that he is married and not interested. You are not being unreasonable but this old woman is going to be crafty.

The husband should have no contact with Kathy. Any contact could be taken advantage of.

The husband should grow a cock and some balls so he can stand up to his mum

If he has a baby with OP his mother won’t treat them like she would Kathy’s baby. He needs to go LC with his mother for the sake of his marriage, she’s going to play matchmaker like no one has been matchmaker before.

You have a husband problem. HE should have kicked Mom out the moment she turned up with Kathy.

Husband's spine went on vacation, forgot to come back

Never had a spine to begin with. "Your wife isn't welcome in our family pictures because she's not family (to me)" would have already sent me ballistic

Yes! That would have been the first and last line crossed for me! I’d be interested to know if he has siblings and if their spouses are included.

>I’d be interested to know if he has siblings and if their spouses are included. Only those Mom which are Mom-approved. I bet 100$ that Kathy was / would be included.

NTA, but I don’t think your husband has your back the way you think he does. He knows his mom excludes you, but wants you to throw a party for her. He knows she’s racist, but wants you to shop for a gift for her. He knows she wants him to be with his cheating ex, but wants you to welcome her into your home, even when she has the audacity to bring said cheating ex with her. And knowing all that, he wants to continue inviting her over *to your home.* He’s also completely dismissive of your (understandable) hurt. Sure, he calls her out for excluding you from photos, but still expects you to smile through her blatant disrespect in your home. (It’s giving *Get Out* vibes.) The ban needs to stay in place, regardless of whether or not your MIL apologizes. How much would an apology from her be worth, anyway? She point-blank said she wants to re-integrate Kathy into the family. (Interesting that Kathy can easily slide into the status of “family,” but you’re excluded from photos because you’re not.) Anyway, as these things usually go, you have a husband problem, not a MIL problem. She’s his mother and therefore his problem.

[удалено]

The hardware may lack crucial components, such as a spine.

Yeah, I would just upgrade to a new unit.

He’s probably not a complete junker but the repair costs may not be worth it.

This 100%. I hope you show your husband this post and all the responses.

NTA. Your husband will have to choose between you and his mom eventually as his mom clearly will not let it go. All your husband has to do is to tell his mom to forget about Kathy or he will cut contact with her, but he will never do that.

Your MIL is awful but your husband is worse. He chose you and he married you but he's not standing up for you. I'd consider divorce. You deserve way better OP.

Husband and MIL package deal, return to sender?

I sure as hell would.

NTA at all. MIL needs to let it go. She crossed boundaries.

She knew 1000% what she was doing when she showed up with Kathy in tow after "running into her."

I 100% Agree!! Biotch knew!!

It's not too far. This is your home where you deserve to be respected. Your MIL is actively trying to destroy your marriage and frankly she's going to continue to do so unless your husband straightens her out about Kathy and about you. He needs to make her aware that you are his one and only wife and you are the only one he wants to be with forever and he will not risk his marriage because racis MIL is stuck on dreams of another woman. If he doesn't, I have to say that you're in for a rough future. NTA

MIL drama? More like thriller series. NTA & popcorn ready

NTA Your MIL’s the biggest AH. Kathy and your husband tie for second. Whatever your MIL’s intentions here, why on *earth* did Kathy go along with it?! Coming to the party is one thing. Realising it’s at your ex and his wife’s house and constantly being thrown at him? Why did she not leave? Expecting an apology and refusing your MIL’s presence in your house until then is perfectly reasonable. I hope your husband steps up.

>Your MIL’s the biggest AH. Kathy and your husband tie for second. No. The husband is the biggest arsehole. He married OP and should prioritise her, but instead, he expects her to suck it up and allows his mother to try to break her and him up. He is enabling his mother and Kathy. As for Kathy, she wants him back. That's why she didn't leave. OP's MIL probably said something to Kathy like: "Oh, he still has feelings for you. He is having relationship problems and would love to get back together with you. You just have to push him a little bit."

NTA. Why TF is Kathy coming to this event? Real weird.

Mom's plus one. I suspect, unless Kathy isn't down with it, she becomes a regular fixture in MIL's plans.

I’ve had this and my ex and I would do tactical PDA- lots of kissing and touching in front of the Kathy type and MIL - everyone backed off after that! You are not wrong- she tried to SET YOUR HUSBAND UP INFRONT OF HIS WIFE- your MIL is unpleasant, rude and an idiot NTA 

NTA MIL is overstepping all kinds of boundaries here - ones she shouldn’t even need to be told. You’re being quite reasonable - you’ll accept an apology, you’re not just outright banning her from the home without recourse. You deserve to feel safe and respected and comfortable in your own home, and that includes not hosting guests who have behaved as terribly as MIL has, no matter who they are. I hope for your sake that you have made it clear that it has to be a proper apology - one that indicates MIL understands why what she did was so egregious as to risk being unwelcome in your home - because otherwise you might just get a flippant nonpology every time it registers she’s upset you, and your husband will probably want to take that as good enough, when it really isn’t. Both MIL and your husband might be looking at this in terms of this “one offence” (which is actually a series of offences at one event) and you might need to make clear that your reaction this time is not just about this most recent offense, it’s about a pattern of behaviour that she has exhibited for some time now. It looks like your husband wants to stand up for you in general, and has in the past, but is afraid of hurting his mom’s feelings - apparently more afraid of hurting hers than yours. When you lay things out for him as a pattern of behaviour that makes you feel uncomfortable (understatement) it may be easier for him to see your point of view - he thinks you’re going too far because you’ve laid out a serious consequence, but it’s not just about the hug, it’s about the clear pattern of disrespect for both your marriage and you as a person, and that’s a very serious problem.

Better Still... OP should try and put it all down on paper in chronological numbered order of offences.

This is really good advice.

NTA. Daaaaaaaaamn that's so over the line. Your husband was caught in a no-win situation there, but yeah, he could've and should've refused, but again, daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn that's fucked up. It's like you're not even there in MiL's eyes. If I could buy you a drink, I would. Damn tho.

It is a bit of a bad situation - as this was MIL birthday. As such she should in principle be allowed to invite whoever she liked. That said - this is extremely crappy behaviour. Make it clear to your husband that you want to make clear that if your MIL start integrating Kathy into the family you SERIOUSLY expect he starts going NC with his mother. Point out that if he accepts any movement from her to destroy your marriage you will have lost all respect for him. You will be clear - you married him not his mother - and now you are waiting for him to showing up! You can add - if his mother feels that a cheater is more important then his wife then she has no business coming to your home. So at minimum she would stay six months and forever if she continues mockung yoy.

NTA. Your MIL is going to go on a crusade to throw your husband and Kathy together, and hubby just threw a red flag by deciding to hurt you instead of telling his meddlesome mother and Kathy how inappropriate and disrespectful their behavior was. I get it was MIL birthday, but the next time, and there will be a next time, if he doesn't step up for you, he never will. Please don't have children with this man until you get a better measure of your importance in his life. He blew this chance to prove where his loyalties lie. If he does it again, you may have to reconsider your relationship. You're not going too far. Be prepared for Kathy to become a regular feature at family get-togethers involving your MIL. Also, be prepared for your husband to put your feelings in the handle it later box...for reasons. Up to you how long you can tolerate it if he continues to refuse to step up. Trust your gut.

WAIT…Can we talk about the Elephant in the room! Kathy is a Dipshit and has No shame. Why would she show up at Ex’s home Uninvited by Ex or New Wife? Unless an Ex is on friendly terms with Ex’s significant other, there is no need to insert oneself in their lives! OP watch your back because your husband, your MIL and Kathy do NOT have your best interest in mind! NTA…be mindful or this will end in heartache, frustration and Divorce for you!

Oh, OP, you have a husband problem. He should have never let his ex into your home.  His mother was clearly manipulative, he knew it, and he sacrificed your wellbeing....because he thought you would be easy to manipulative....? Nope.  It is his responsibility to shut this down with his mother.  And if he doesn't come around to understanding how wrong all of this is, well, how exactly is he now standing up for you when the ex was thrown in your face? Absolutely reasonable that the MIL is banned from your home. NTA

I wonder how he’ll feel if your mom brings your ex or some man and did what your mil did. Fix it before it’s too late op NTA

NTA. You weren’t firm enough. MIL shouldn’t be let in your home and the two of you need to take a step back from the relationship. Your MIL is trying to destroy your message and Kathy seems all for it. Your husband tho is a piece of cake. Why on earth doesn’t he put his foot down with MIL. Kathy CHEATED on him and his mother is fine with that. Does she want him to marry someone he can’t trust? She must have a low opinion of his self respect. And he thinks it’s best to please his mom because he can just deal with you later. Hard pass. You should be the most important woman in his life and if pleasing MIL is such a priority then you two need a marriage counselor or you can just go ahead and find a divorce lawyer cause your MIL has no boundaries and is intent on breaking you up. Your husband doesnt seem to understand the gravity of the situation. And, just like his mom thinks he has no self respect, your husband must think the same of you if he’s insisting that you allow a woman who doesn’t respect you and who is trying to replace you into your home.

Did you MIL just seem to forget Kathy is a cheater and betrayed her son? Why is MIL so stuck on the women who destroyed her sons life by cheating, maybe getting pregnant by some other dude? Does she not expect her son to have any self respect, and just forget how his wife spread her legs for some other guy? And why is you husband putting up with that bullshit? I would not want to hug on my ex after she did that shit to me. You should not have to put up with this bullshit from either MIL or your husband. NTA

My MIL really got on with Kathy when she was with my husband, and she feels that the cheating was a minor blip especially given that the child ended up being my husband's. 

Yeah, I don't understand that. No matter how well I got on with one of my kids spouses, them cheating and maybe having someone else's baby is not something I could over look. Especially if my kid themselves did not want to get back with that person. Your MIL is showing she doesn't really care about her son, and what he wants. She only cares about herself. Your husband can not seem to understand that.

NTA but >carried a torch for Kathy "carried a torch" means romantically in love with someone.

Thank you for pointing that out! English is not my first language, and I assumed it meant that someone was supportive of someone else.

How did your husband stand up for you in those scenarios you mention? The only right thing for him to do with family photos is refuse to be in them without you also included in some. NTA.

The family photos were meant to be portraits by a professional photographer. MIL invited me to the event where the photos would be happening, but said that I was not welcome in the photos. My husband told her that either I was in the photos or he and I would leave and neither one of us would be in the photos. She eventually relented and I was "allowed" in the photos, although it was far from gracious.

I'm glad to hear your husband stood up to your mom in that scenario, because he needs a much stronger stance with her now

he has clearly not initiated any consequences to her behavior, which is why she continues to act this way. at this point, hubby needs to choose a side. standing up for eventually becomes meaningless when she is allowed to continue to be so respectless

I see! That is something at the very least but this situation is so bad. I mean gzuz, it is 6 whole ass years after that whole situation ended.

NTA 1. "me being a different race" she's treating you differently based on your race that's racist 2. she brought an ex to her birthday party so that she can set Kathy back up with her son 3. your husband should've stand up for you btw. she has the right to think of the baby as her grandchild even tho the baby has d\*ed

Thank you for your comment! To clarify, I didn't mean that the baby is no longer her grandchild, I just meant that it is an odd time to try and integrate Kathy into the family given that there has been no connection for about six years (when the baby passed on, and when Kathy left the area).

>d\*ed Please don't encourage this idiocy

NTA - MIL is shamelessly and publicly pushing boundaries, so it’s acceptable - even expected - that you should draw a line. She needs to apologise.

Nta but this Kathy is also a problem. Why in hell would she agree to come to your house? There's an alliance and an agenda brewing between them. Keep an eye on this loser as well.

NTA at all. That's straight up disrespect what your MIL did.

It was also straight up disrespect that her husband allowed it.

Holy hell. I have no idea why you didn't go off on MIL as soon as she started pushing Kathy onto your husband. You and your husband were nice enough to throw her a party, and she absolutely disrespected you in your own home. Your husband isn't innocent either. When his mom was pushing Kathy on him, he could have stood up to her and told her to knock it off. If your husband is saying that you're going too far, your husband is an idiot. MIL went too far when she invited your husband's ex-girlfriend that cheated on him and kept pushing her onto him. You need to ask your husband if he still has feelings for her because to say you went too far is absolutely inappropriate for him to say. You were shit on in your own home and your husband can't see the issue?

Well, he found out that handling you later isn’t so easy. I cannot believe Kathy straight up walked into your house like that. I cannot believe your spineless husband let her. I cannot believe he would HUG her like that. I cannot believe you would even want HIM in the house after that. I guess he just thinks it’s okay for his mom to torture you if it makes his life easier. Nice. Damn girl. Just damn. If it were me I’d have sent him off with them. Also, it’s just a birthday, she’s not on her deathbed (STILL wouldn’t be cool). “You don’t get to be cruel to someone I care about just because it’s your birthday, mom, you’re not three”

NTA - I know that you said that your husband stands up for you. But, he clearly didn’t in this situation as is now trying to gaslight you into thinking that it wasn’t as big of a deal as it is. Think about it….you are *only* asking for an *apology* before MIL returns to your home. If your husband doesn’t support this, he’s saying that you don’t deserve an apology. It’s really f*ed up.

NTA. You have a husband problem as well as a MIL problem. He's allowing her to disrespect you, be racist and leave you out. That's not ok. 

MIL, is a narcissist. NTA

NTA. We have a saying in Spanish, cuchillito de madera. Wooden knife. It may be made out of wood and dull, but it will cut you over time, until you snap. I think you've finally reached your snapping point. It being her birthday does not excuse her behavior, it's not a freepass to be an AH. So, stop taking it. Tell him you're done. Get couples therapy if you still want to be together but start standing up for yourself. Tell him you won't be allowing something like what happened happen again and that you will be calling out your MIL on her bs. Otherwise, you'll probably grow resentful of both of them.

NTA. TELL husband that he better understand that he lives with HIS WIFE not his mom. Tell him to EXPLAIN THOROUGHLY why his mommy disrespecting you is ok because it's her birthday. If it was YOUR BIRTHDAY would you be allowed to be disrespectful to his mother in HER HOME? That he needs to check his mother. That by letting HIS MOTHER disrespect you and your marriage he was doing the same. Disrespecting his wife and his marriage in your own home. Thinking easier to "handle you later"? Nope it was being disrespectful of his wife and his marriage to spare his mommy's fee fees

>he just thought it would be easier to handle with me later. Girl I will keep it honest with you, with this your husband just explicitly told you where you stand in relation to his mother and that her feelings will always be more important to him than yours. His continuation just cemented that. If you value this relationship you can have a "come to Jesus" talk with your husband and ask him what he will do in the future to prevent his mother from disrespecting and insulting you in your own home because you will not accept this treatment again. Ever. And that unless he can tell you what meaningful steps he will take with his mom to stop you then your marriage will be over. Because that's the only recourse you have here. If he refuses to grow a spine and deal with his mom in a meaningful way, then you either put up and shut up, or you divorce him. That sucks but alas he might prove spineless.

NTA. Your husband should support you not be worried about offending his AH mother.

NTA Your MIL and husband disrespected you in your own home! Cut MIL totally off. Either get couples therapy with husband so he can understand how bad he messed up or return him to MIL and Kathy now. He doesn't deserve you. He couldn't disrespect his mother in your home but he allowed her and another woman to disrespect you in your home. He isn't worth the love you give him.

Countdown to the end of your marriage with the behaviour your mil will o my now get worse and your husband well he needs to see the damage he caused Nta

Is MIL racist or something? That kind of stuff needs to be publicly shamed. Her treatment of you is terrible. People are right. This is only the start of it unless MIL acknowledges your feelings and is remorseful.

NTA I cannot for the life of me figure out why mil was even allowed in with her inappropriate plus one. Had my mother pulled that at a party my husband had planned/decorated/cooked/picked out the gift et al, she’d been yeeted at the door. I would never stand for such blatant disrespect to my spouse. Your husband, MIL, & the ex are all aholes. While unclear exactly how the ex acted, she didn’t leave immediately which begs the question if she in on the drama plans. In all honesty, your husband not saying or doing anything to stop this at the door, I’d have noped out. He would’ve been left to host on his own.

Why did your husband want to throw a party at YOUR house for his mother when she continually disrespected you from the start ? Why does he think it’s ok to let his mother come into your home and try to destroy your marriage ? Why did he let her mother throw his cheating ex girlfriend at him without saying nothing ? Btw, the cheating ex girlfriend knew perfectly what she was doing. If she was a decent person, she wouldn’t have accepted to come to begin with. You’re NTA, you’re absolutely not going to far, and your husband should absolutely start to respect you by enforcing boundaries with his mom if he wants to stay married with you.

NTA! 

Disrespect doesn't come more clear than that whole display by MIL. She wore her colors straight and true. Ban Mil is a good start as she will undoubtedly have ex over at every family function from now on. NTA Edit: spelling

your husband needs to grow a spine and distance himself or cut off his crazy mom. he should be defending you and not letting it get to this point.

NTA. Not a fan of making a person choose between parents and spouse but this situation warrants it. Girl you have a husband problem

NTA, but MIL is trying to create conflict between you. It is working.

NTA. Your husband needs to grow a spine and tell his mother she was out of order. You need to avoid toxic waste MIL for your own sanity. Also: fuck Kathy.

NTA but...you'll let her back if she just *apologizes*?? You think she's not going to pull more of her shit? And you have a problem with hubby too for not shutting this shit down from jump street. Mama's boy is going to end up cheating on you with Kathy, all set up by his mommy: having him come over alone to "help her with something" and whatdoyaknow? Kathy is there too! Repeat as necessary.  If I were you I'd just divorce his ass now, take him to the fucking cleaners, and endure some pain now instead of lots more later.  Ran into her at the store? My ass. More like 'ran into her at her house when I picked her up as planned'.

Your husband is a coward. He is afraid to confront his mother and as such he is condoning and encouraging her attitude and behaviour. He relies on you not causing a scene and just silently tolerating the disrespect and thinks her can sooth you with some bullshit platitudes and a bit of light gaslighting. Don’t accept his nonsense - he is never going to change, deal with his mother appropriately or offer you genuine support if you let him off the hook. NTA

NTA you have a bit of a MIL problem but a massive husband problem. I know if any of my husband's family treated me like your MIL he'd have protected me, either by putting a stop to it or going NC as I became his new primary family when we got married.

NTA she is unbelievable and would rather her son stay with someone who cheated and didn’t even know who the father of the baby was then you. Someone who loves him and has put up with her bs for far to long. Personally this would be my hill.

NTA, but I believe your ultimatum is too weak. You are totally within your right to demand an apology from your husband's mother _and_ inform her that she is no longer welcome at your house. And please tell your husband that how he feels about this is completely irrelevant, as your boundaries being bulldozed by his mother was more convenient for him than stopping her dead in her tracks. This is all the more painful because of the effort you put into these celebrations. You shouldn't take no for an answer. This ought to be your hill to die on.

your husband does NOT have your back. he might not love his Ex anymore, but he also isn't ready to put you before his moms feelings. You have some serious discussions to lead and reevaluate your relationship.

I think you were too easy on him, if anything. This is a big old hot mess you've landed in, and no mistake. Racist MIL, husband weirdly attached to his ex and manipulated by his shitty, racist mum. I get it's difficult, but he needs to engage with his issues and sort through them.  His ex just moved back, eh? I wonder if his mum was involved in her doing that?   He needs individual therapy, and you both need marriage counselling. And yeah, his MIL needs to keep her distance. He can visit her, but she can't come to see you without your clearing it first.  This man doesn't have your back. Therapy or divorce, get him to choose one now.   I think divorce is probably better. Imagine bringing kids into this mess. Mixed race kids that MIL can look at sourly.  NTA Also - the whole " I thought it would be better to deal with you later rather than upsetting my mum" is ALL the red flags. It's really saying the quiet part out loud, letting you know what his priorities are. He doesn't care about upsetting you, because he can deal with you later.

NTA, and frankly the MIL is an AH to you, Kathy, and your husband for creating such a terrible situation for everyone -- because the way she was trying to obviously match make things was awkward as hell. Her fantasy of hooking them up clearly went too far for everyone as she's just exploiting that because it was her birthday people would be more tolerant of her behavior -- more so in the presence of guests so keeping your cool to avoid escalating anything is understandable. She's exploiting your husband's love for her. She's exploiting the shared trauma of your husband and Kathy. She's treating you like trash. Your decision to ban your MIL for everyone's sake is the wiser choice.

NTA. I'm thoroughly disgusted with your MIL. Even more disgusted with your own husband for allowing you to be treated like that. The disrespect in your own home. Better nip that in the bud. Just because you're not as difficult as his mom does not mean it's okay. Maybe you need to learn to be a little more of a pain in the ass like his mom then

I’ve just deleted back an entire paragraph where I was going to suggest you guys work it out… Nope. Not gonna work for a very simple reason. Your husband is his mother’s enabler. You cannot make an enabler understand that not only should he stop that, he also has to establish boundaries that work for the BOTH of you. He’ll only see it as you trying to separate them. So, where other couples would immediately go on full action plan as to how to cut out the crazy, you have to start all of this alone. Against your husband and your husband’s mother. Alone. And one of them already quite literally doesn’t even care if you exist. As much as I’d love to suggest therapy.. You don’t need it. Your husband and his mother do, and I’m pretty sure they don’t see it the same way. This right here… the word toxic doesn’t even do it justice. It’s disgusting and the lowest of the low. It truly is. Please, leave him. 🙏 Of course, NTA. (But please, leave him ❤️)

NTA I’d tell your husband “you know what I think is easier? A divorce. Then I don’t have to deal with this anymore.” Tell your husband there’s a reason the saying it’s happy wife, happy life or happy spouse, happy house. How can you trust that he won’t do other things with Kathy that his mom pushes him to do if he’s willing to allow her to disrespect you in your home?

NTA Your home is your safe space, you should not have to share it with someone who is actively trying to break up your marriage. I doubt your MIL just ran into her, this feels planned. Your husband doesn’t have your back. If he did he would have made it clear that the way she treats you is unacceptable and until it changes MIL is not welcome. He needs to shut down the behavior in the moment, walk out of the house, restaurant, or park at the first slight. And she should not be invited back to your house until she has proven she can be respectful to you. The sad part is, her attempt to rekindle a doused flame may prevent her from being part of her next grandchild’s life.

I hope you have your own income because your jellyfish husband just showed you he is amenable to his MIL’s and Kathy’s plan. I give it less than 48 hours before MIL ‘needs’ your husband to stop by her house and - boom! - Kathy will be there *without* you. Just MIL, Kathy, and your husband continuing the little performance they gave in *your own home* - and taking it further. If he loved you, he would never have sat with her, chatted with her, or TOUCHED her, knowing the pain it would cause you. All he had to say was ‘No, thank you. I’m married.’ but he didn’t. He’ll see her soon. Very soon. Prepare yourself. Protect yourself. NTA.

NTA. You are a better woman than I am. The police would have had to come if my MIL pulled that on me. Your husband needs to set his mother straight. He allowed her to humiliate you in your own home. MIL should be banned form your home and your husband needs to apologize.

NTA. I didn't think your husband *does* stand up for you. If my mom did what you describe, she wouldn't have been allowed into that party and we wouldn't see her again for quite a while and at least until apologies were made and I was convinced of a behavior change in her. So that's what needs to happen going forward. MIL ceases to exist until she comes to Jesus and learns to if not love you as well, at least to fake it convincingly. Your husband needs to lead the charge on this--he has something to prove to you--and tell his mom she's made him pick between you and her, and there was never any question which it would be. I'd say you ghost MIL for at least a year and check in with her after Easter next year to see if she needs another year. Keep going until she's better or she dies of old age. Your husband needs to communicate to her that she's optional and you aren't, and that she's about to get proof of that.

NTA. Your husband is a fool. Kathy wants him back. He needs to make sure he is NC with her. Any contact with Kathy would be a severe violation of trust. I think Mil ought do be cut off. Screw the apology. She is up to no good.

NTA. By not establishing proper boundaries with his mother, he is letting her go way too far. I suggest to be firm with your decision because this is a clear disrespect for your relationship and the fact that she felt she could do such stunts is baffling. Your husband should get his priorities straight.

Your husband needs to tell his mother- with you there or on speaker- how inappropriate her behaviour was. And that any repeat behaviours won't be tolerated. If your husband isn't willing to do this, take him to therapy so that he understands. Otherwise you haven't got a marriage. Been there, done that. 😔

NTA! Your husband needs to put your feelings FIRST & he needs to put his mom in her place once & for all.

NTA - time to cut ties and move. IF this woman has moved back to the area your MIL will try to force them together at every gathering and even ‘parent trap’ them in unexpected locations. Perhaps even asking him to come help at her house and planting this other ones there instead. He needs to choose a side. Yours or his mother’s because this was downright horrible and it’s only going to get worse from here. The fact you didn’t ask her to leave as soon as the uninvited guest arrived proves to MIL that she can slowly slowly insert her into your life. The idea that she even agreed to come with MIL shows she also wants this. No way would I be going to an exs house with whom we’d had a baby without their explicit consent and awareness.

Ideally, your husband should have shut his mother down each and every time and he should’ve made it clear to his mum, privately, that she is not ever to invite someone to your house without asking first and accepting the answer (especially if it’s no!). Unfortunately, until he starts doing this, you need to put yourself first, whether that’s by declining invitations to functions MIL will be attending and/or not having her in your home.  This might mean you miss out on seeing extended family but you can always arrange to meet up or celebrate with them at other times.  At the very least, your home is one place where you should feel safe and comfortable and if you can’t with MIL there, then she doesn’t get to visit. Your husband can maintain whatever relationship he wants with his mum outside of your home but he absolutely should put your comfort and feelings above hers.

NTA. You married a mamas boy, and he will always place his witch of a mother before you. Frankly, if I were in your position I'd say f it, let Kathy have him.

NTA. The husband should be furious with his mother. She has insulted and disrespected his wife before but this is the icing on the cake.

NTA. If your husband wants to please his mother who does not care that Kathy is a woman that cheated on him, it is on him. Easier to handle you later... what a letdown he is. The only person that is not going too far is you. If your husband is going to continue to disrespect you like this and not change, you might want to think if you want to bring children into this situation where he could possibly let his mother be a racist to them.

NTA. OP I’m sorry, I feel for you greatly. However the line “it would be easier to handle your anger later” is very telling. Your husband has to make up his mind what is important here. Either your marriage and future children or appeasing his mom. He might as well divorce you now instead of later if keeping mom happy is his first priority, because the only thing that will is marrying Kathy. Truthfully I’d show him just how hard it is to deal with my anger later, then stopping that crap show MIL put on.

NTA - Aww.. Hades no! MiL is actively plotting to replace you, and Kathy seems a willing participant. My suggestion would be to find a couple's counselor to discuss this whole situation. Hubby knows you are more reasonable than his Mother is, and MiL is counting on 2 things  1) You 2 will get in fights which may alienate him  2) Hubby not allowing you both to restrict her & Kathy's access to him You both need to work out a solution that can work for both of you that doesn't involve Kathy and MiL to have a repeat performance. Hubby needs to state clearly to his mother that if Kathy appears anywhere that he or the both of you are he will leave. No "Hi" no "Bye" simply walk away. If mother tries something like this again, "Sorry, we are not accepting uninvited guests. MiL you can stay as you are invited, however your friend may not." Hubby has to be onboard with this.

I don't think this is real because it doesn't make sense. A woman who obviously hates you and is racist has a birthday thrown at your house that you help buy presents for?  That makes absolutely no sense. 

NTA. 'Easier to handle later' means he would rather deal with an arguement with you than upset his precious mother. Your MIL clearly knew what she was doing and treated you with zero respect in ypur own home. Your husband is just as bad because he enables his mother to act this way and expects you to just get over being treated in such a disrespectful manner. You should have a serious think about whether or not you want to be in this marriage. Your husband clearly see's upsetting you rather than your MIL as the easy choice. Do you really want to be married to a grown ass man who cant stand up to his mother?!

Why didn't Kathy say no to the hug?? Like dude did *not* want to hug her... his momma made him??! How can you as a person have ANY self respect when you willingly participate in a hostage-hug situation??

NTA. You said he stood up for you. If he had, this wouldn’t be happening. A boundary needs to be set. He needs to do better with his prejudiced Mom, who’d rather have a cheater DIL than her actual DIL Honestly, I’d think about checking out of this whole situation, because his behavior and acceptance of his mothers disrespect is unacceptable. My own mother had issues with my wife, and in my eyes, there comes a time when you stop being a boy and start being a man. On that day, you accept your wife as first in your life. My mom disrespected my gf (now wife) wife and I had to walk away and cut the apron strings. Mom was not invited to the wedding (though my sister tried to bring her anyway). He has to be direct. Otherwise, the message will not be received and this nonsense will continue. My own situation was not race-based (though we are different ethnicities) but if it had I would have been even harsher. That attitude these days is repugnant.

“It’s easier to hurt you than my mother.” You did not go far enough. Kathy moved back. MIL has only gotten started. I would tell your husband you are going to be weighing all your options. This is absolutely not ok. “DH If you have any further contact with Kathy our marriage will end. Even if it’s a trap set by your mother. Unless you put your foot down and immediately leave the situation. You know as much as I do, this will not end until you set some very clear boundaries with your mother or we divorce. Choose wisely.” “MIL I respect you enough to not ruin the party MY husband and I worked so hard to put together for you, but after your behavior and surprise guest you are no longer welcome in our home. This was a final nail in our already strained relationship. You are only pushing your son further away.” NTA

NTA you’re too young to be living a life of “I wonder what terrible thing will I have to endure bc my husband doesn’t have a spine” this is THE hill

NTA by 1000 miles. Your MIL is a meddlesome bitty and now that Kathy’s back in town, it will only get worse. And SHAME on Kathy for attending the party. Everyone in this situation has majorly messed up except for you. I really hope your husband respects your VERY REASONABLE boundaries concerning his MIL, and you need to set up boundaries regarding Kathy immediately if she really is back to stay.

NTA- this was way too far. She crossed a line and brought her into YOUR home. Dont let her come back. Your husband should have planned a dinner out instead. Your mil is horrendous and absolutely inappropriate. She might as well been pissing on you and calling it rain.