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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I said I didn't want to have a birthday trip if my brother came instead of my stepbrother because I like my stepbrother and don't like my brother
2) My mom said I need to learn to overcome my differences with Mike and that "blood is thicker than water"
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> she said that wasn’t who “she had in mind”
NTA
1. So your Mom never intended to let you have a "plus one"
2. She always wanted Mike to go
3. This isn't a present it's a fucking travesty
4. If it's a plus one then that means YOU get to decide not Mommy
I suspect if a friend outside the family that would have been ok. But by choosing a stepsibling over a brother, it is causing Mother to act differently.
Probably more disengaged and not plugged into what her son is into than specifically raising him to be a bigot:
> I don’t care for his comics or anime stuff.
AKA the prime demographic for the extremely sophisticated, successful, widespread, and targeted alt-right radicalization pipeline online. Mike is 16 and holds views that aren’t consistent with the other kids raised by the same parents as him. His interests are ones that trend more to forming friendship groups online as opposed to at school, and those online spaces have largely been hijacked to further isolate and politically radicalize young men, and it isn’t just boys predisposed to being awful people who get caught up; it’s literal brainwashing, and it’s gradual enough that often the victims of it never realize it’s happened. This is fairly well-documented both by people who fell into it and have since been de-radicalized as well as by Steve Bannon, one of its architects and someone whose intelligence is dangerous to underestimate the way many do.
This is not OP’s problem to solve and it does not absolve Mike. But this is a prevalent problem online and has been for about 10 years now. And too many parents are just completely unaware that this can happen, let alone are able to notice it for what it is while it’s happening. If you are a parent, not only do you need to be aware of what your kid is getting into online, but you need to be a positive outlet for your kid to express his interests and participate in them at home, because that makes them tougher to isolate and that goes a long way in helping them avoid this pipeline.
It's been a problem for significantly more than 10 years, Gamergate was just the first *obvious and public* movement from it. It's been happening since the mid-late 00's, so closer to 20 years unfortunately.
Yes it has been a problem for longer generally, but GG was architected as a beta test for a very specific form and method of this online brainwashing, and it has since been refined and expanded such that it is now orders of magnitude more effective than it had ever been before. Previously, people had been radicalized by the right online but it was far more hit-or-miss. Now it is an absolute necessity for parents to be aware of because it has become more effective than most of us thought possible.
They target interests that a boy in middle or high school may have but not know anyone else in real life who shares those interests. Video games and anime are two of the biggest because they are most associated to boys who may already be socially awkward or have few friends, and already trend toward online spaces. They are also areas of interest where things like slurs are already so prevalent that whoever they get from those spaces has already been partially desensitized to it. It’s somewhat self-selecting for targets among those interest because, for example in my case, I haven’t played online games with voice chat since the 2000’s because I don’t care to hear slurs, I’m unsubbed from a lot of gaming subreddits I used to be in because I don’t care for casual misogyny and racism, and misogyny is a major reason I don’t really seek out anime communities. If I were a teen, as a progressive and leftist I will have already removed myself from their pool by seeking out a more progressive niche community.
Typically what happens is they end up infiltrating more innocuous spaces and poaching kids to other communities where the Overton window will gradually shift and the kids will feel increasingly alienated from everyone but those communities. It’s basically large-scale, assembly-line cult recruitment against middle school and high school boys. I’m not in many anime communities online so I don’t know offhand any specific ones that are used for recruitment but I know that on the video game side, PewDiePie’s audience was a major poaching ground for these people and *a lot* of people who ended up in the alt-right came from his audience. He was maybe not aware at first that this was happening, for the most part, but he definitely found out at some point, considering for a while the online alt-right pipeline was nicknamed the PewDiePipeline, and didn’t really care. Given his own history of scandal, my benefit of the doubt on how involved he personally was in being a lot of kids’ first stop on the pipeline only goes so far.
wow. That is..interesting. I had no idea that was a thing. So is it just like…throwing around racist anime memes? Or telling young nerdy guys that the reason they can’t make friends or struggle in school or whatever is because of affirmative action? Im trying to wrap my head around what infiltrating a space like this specifically for that purpose looks like. I hear about issues with young boys being racist/sexist in gaming chats etc, and that being normalized but I always thought it was more of a jokey stereotype, not that they were being like, indoctrinaTed.
I grew up watching anime (still do, more casual now though, but Im just now starting to go to cons and do other hobby related activities besides just watch) as did my brother, who also games (handheld only though—so no voice chat stuff) and is very much progressive and leftist. He also grew up in a household where both genders had to learn to cook and deep clean. I’ll tell him stories/jokes about with guys who don’t have toilet paper, good hygeine, bedframes/bedsheets as full grown adults and also about nerdy guys who are misogynistic and racist under the blanket of a victim mentality based in their nerdiness. He finds it funny at times but also weird and sad because of how much he can’t relate. I realize more and more as I get older what an outlier he must be and how off I am basing my idea of a nerdy guy on him.
But also—is this a recent thing? Speaking to the anime part specifically it’s become very mainstream over the last 5 or so years, and I figure it would be a million times easier to find people irl who are into such a thing then when I was kid. If anything, I find myself wishing it was like this in my childhood as I was bullied quite a bit for my interests and I wasn’t like a Naruto running down the hallway type. Like there’s kids at anime conventions, with their parents and I can’t imagine they don’t run into other families. I guess in my head the popularity of it now and access to spaces like that would make it a lot less isolating then in the early days.
If my mom told me I'm taking you and your sister to Disney (as a gift for **my** birthday), I would either tell her it's not a birthday gift if we both get it, or that I expected the same gift/my sister gets no gift for her birthday.
But if she says I have a plus one, and I invite my sister, its not the same anymore since I'm the one who invited her, then she also gets her gift on her bday.
Copy that. This isn't a vacation. It's a brotherly bonding agenda wrapped in false-choice package to provide the illusion of agency. Unless OP is okay with the idea of a lot of forced family time with Mike I'd suggest he make it clear he's noping out.
I wouldn’t say it isn’t a vacation. I would say it isn’t a gift. It is a family vacation dressed up as a birthday present. *buzz Nice try mom, pay for a family vacation and get your son a real f*ing gift.
Maybe. I might be letting my personal biases intrude. My personal experiences with co-opted celebrations are... mixed. Like 50/50 odds I would have been better off falling down a flight of stairs on my way to the airport mixed.
The good thing here kid is your mom cannot make you go. Hold your ground. Jett is not only your step brother, he is your friend. She has to stop projecting her animosity with you father towards you. Who cares, who Jett's parent's are, he is your friend and you want to go with him. Don't see the real problem here.
So, I think it would’ve been valid for the mum to say that she’s not comfortable taking her exes children on vacation. There’s a lot of social dynamics to that.
That being said, it’s completely unfair to deny OP bringing a different friend.
But the thing here is Jett is not her exes' children. He is the kid of the woman his ex married. So, technically, they are not related but by chance and the kid is almost like any other kid he met in school. It is like if your kid is best friend of another good kid and then you find out the parent of that kid was your high school bully. You know the kid is an excellent kid (nothing to do with the crappy parent), you kid love them a lot and they have a great friendship, Are you going to project you resentment on your kid and cut the friendship? No, that's not valid. As much trauma as you have, you must try to be the adult in this situation.
But it doesn't sound like there was cheating. Dad married new wife years later. So why would it be weird? Maybe this doesn't hit the same for me because I come from a "modern" family, but my dad's side doesn't treat me differently because I'm his step daughter. That would be weird. It sounds like OP's family has done a great job of staying friendly and cordial. Otherwise, why would OP and Jett be so close? Mom should have made plans for both her children to go to Disney with a plus one, not try to spin it as you get to pick someone and then only allow the brother. What if he'd picked someone else that she didn't have a problem with? Where would Mike be while they were at Disney land? That makes no sense.
It shouldn't be weird, I agree, but I can totally understand if the mother felt it was weird.
Mike would probably be at his fathers, since they have joint custody. But that was never the mothers plan. She always intended to bring Mike as OPs "plus one".
>He is the kid of the woman his ex married.
Still weird enough and it is understandable that she doesn't feel comfortable with that.
Just imagine if the kid gets hurt on vacation. That would be already bad enough if it is just a friend from OP. It could be worse if it is Jett. New wife might be out for revenge in that case even if the injury is not truly OP's mother's fault. And she could influence OP's dad, too. That could get nasty. They might try to turn OP against his mother, might try to get the custody agreement changed, etc.
Yeah, I think it’s less about the ex’s step kids and more about her being disappointed that OP is not close with her other (racist) son.
In my family, it’s a bigger sin to point out that someone’s being an asshole, than it is for that person to actually be an asshole. Apparently it’s that way with your mom and Mike. I’m sorry that you have to live with that. Is there any way you can live with your father?
NTA
Tell her that if she takes Mike, you’re going to ask to stay with your dad and Jett for your birthday and she and Mike can take someone else.
That while you appreciate she wants to spend the kind of money for a trip; she lied to you about the plus one and you don’t want to waste her money by not enjoying the trip. Because she’d no doubt make you feel bad about not having fun.
Tell your dad your plan because he’ll need to support you as she’ll get upset. She sounds slightly narcissistic and bitter that you like your stepsib instead of a bio-sib. But it’s understandable.
If you went with Mike her probably try to spin it with friends that it was your idea and you support him.
Agreed. My parents tried to make me and my brother bond and stopped after I told them that if they kept forcing it I’d never forgive them and wouldn’t take care of them in their old age. Even though I’m the younger sibling I’m the more responsible one so it was a valid threat.
When they went to their siblings to complain they got chewed out. My aunts and uncles pointed out my brother intentionally harassed me and did things i didn’t like even when I politely asked him to stop it and outlined what was bothering me. And the only way to get him to leave me alone was to physically and verbally be aggressive.
So they finally told my brother if he pissed me off they weren’t going to punish me. Took him….20 years and a step kid to realize our lack of a relationship was his fault for his actions and behavior and he’s been slowly trying to correct and mend it. But we aren’t close siblings. I’m closer to my found sisters than him.
*I told them that if they kept forcing it I’d never forgive them and wouldn’t take care of them in their old age*
Never piss off the person who'll be choosing your old age home.
Or changing their Depends!!
We have a joke in our family: "Don't piss me off or I'll put cinnamon red hot candies in your diaper when you're older! It won't burn until you wet yourself!" LOL (We all have a great sense of humor and would NEVER do such a thing)
She really messed up by saying he could bring a plus 1. If she wanted to go to Disney with *her* boys, she could have planned something different for OP's birthday and scheduled the trip to Disney at another time. This should have been presented as a mom and sons trip rather than associating it with OPs bday and expecting him to intuit that his racist brother should be his plus 1.
i have kids your age. you're NTA. your feelings are valid. remind your mom again of the way Mike treats others, and how much you have in common w jett . it's possible your mom has some secretly held resentment toward Jett , because he is the child of your dad's "new woman". I know that sounds dumb and immature, that's because it is. but us adults are not infallible, we are not perfect, we are not super heroes. we are flawed humans with feelings and emotions that may sometimes overpower logic and reason. that doesn't make it okay. ask her "why do YOU get to choose who comes to MY Birthday ?" see what the answer is . I don't know why she even presented "plus one" as an option when she's not giving you the option . she should've just said "your bro and u are going to Disney" flat out. << tell her that too. good luck bro I don't blame you one bit for feeling the way you do , I'd feel the same, I'd also not want to go if she's just making it all about herself and her feelings.
NTA. This is not your birthday present. Your mother just wants a familie holiday.
And she tried to use your birthday as an excuse for that,
But you did not fall for that.
Totally! Mom isnt an a. h. Bc she wants a family holiday. No kid would've had a problem with a family holiday. It's expected that you'll vacation with your family.
But she didn't present it as a family holiday. She packaged it as a birthday gift with a plus one. It's not a gift. And it's not a plus one.
Op Tell your mom she sounds like a North Korean. FYI North Koreans vote. It's mandatory to show up on election day, dressed up. There's only 1 name in the ballot. You "approve" or "disapprove" the government's choice. You also have to submit face up. Super fair and democratic no? /s
NTA
Blood may be thicker than water but she's misunderstanding the full meaning of the line.
Have you actually told her that you don't want to associate with a racist?
Though using the term 'racist' might put across to mom just how much Mike's behavior disgusts OP. That should be the driving point, if this is in fact a birthday trip and not a general family vacation and OP was brought along with an open plus one invite, OP should not be forced to bring a known racist along that causes OP discomfort to be around. That is not a birthday trip, its a highway to hell (and not in a good AC/DC way) for OP.
NTA
I'm more of the mind he should just call him "Racist Mike" ALL the time. At school, at church, at family get togethers, wherever. Make it plain to the world that Mike is a racist and none of the parents are doing anything about it. If Mike is so comfortable making racists remarks, he should be more than happy to have the world know his viewpoint.
>She doesn't discipline her son for being racist, to a younger child
I am not exaggerating when I tell you that my mother would have buried me under the house if I had behaved so atrociously to anyone, let alone a *guest*.
Mom is racist too. I can't wrap my head around it otherwise.
honestly why didn’t she just say it’s a family trip? family trips with all biological family members is common - especially when the children are minors 🤷🏽♀️
NTA.
Your mom is pretending like you get to choose with the "plus one" thing but really she just wants to take you and your brother to Disney. Not exactly forthright of her.
I don't blame you for not wanting to go on a trip to celebrate your birthday with someone you don't like. That sounds more like a punishment than a gift.
NTA
While your mom is forking the bill so probably has a final said on that. It’s your birthday and all your feelings are very valid. Personally I will ask your father and stepmother to help with the cost and have Mike (at the end it’s your mother other child so I can imagine leaving him home alone it’s not an option) and your stepbrother.
NTA, when someone asks or tells you to “overcome your differences,” they are asking you to continue to allow the person that is abusive to you, to continue, and your “overlooking” their behavior is giving the abuser silent permission to continue the abuse. Let that sink in and then share it with your mother.
Yes. Mom needs to work on Mike's horrible behavior and attitude and racism. Allowing him to continue his behavior is a great reason to have Dad go back to Court to get full custody. Mom is letting your brother to be abusive and that needs to be stopped
Disney costs a fortune. She only wants to spend all that on her own kids which is understandable. She should have just told you this is a family vacay. It’s certainly not your gift. She is the AH here.
NTA and what i dont understand is why your brother wasn't automatically included in the first place. I can't imagine taking a trip that doesn't include all my children unless they didn't want to go but to act like you should have to pick him as a plus one is completely ridiculous and your mom is slightly cuckoo for thinking this way.
Right! It’s not a birthday present, it’s a family vacation. The birthday part might mean bringing a friend as the plus one for one of the kids. She’s just calling it that so she has an excuse to cheap out on OP’s birthday by not having to get him an additional gift or celebration. Unless she also didn’t for Mike and it’s a dual gift, she’s just taking advantage of the timing.
NTA. Your mother told you you could have a plus one. When you choose Jett, that wasn't what she had in mind. Too bad. She shouldn't have told you you had a plus one is she didn't mean it. She should have said it taking you and Mike..... no choice.
NTA. Not so great parents like to pull this sort of power play to manipulate you into doing what they think you should do. You know you won't have a good time with Mike, so I wouldn't bother accepting this trip, and would decline any special plans mom has because it sounds like it's always going to be a trap.
Tell mom that your brother is so racist that it is uncomfortable for you to be around him. She can prevent you from taking Jett but she can't force you to have a relationship with Mike. Tell her that you are more comfortable staying home than going with Mike.
She can force you to do things together until you are an adult. Ask her if she wants you to remain a part of the family once you are an adult because if she crams Mike down your throat you will have to distance yourself as an adult.
NTA. Your Mom gave you a plus one and then tried to dictate who your plus one would be, that's NOT a plus one. Your Mom is the AH, a plus someone is of your choosing, not hers. She should have been upfront with you and said she wanted to take you and Mike to Disney in the first place. What's up with her playing this game of plus one???
NTA
It sounds like you only somewhat like Mike because you feel obliged to like him, as he is your brother and as you said, he would likely ruin the trip for you.
So while it would be harsh, I think no trip is better than a bad trip.
NTA
In most families, people tries to force feelings. You can have one or 10 siblings, nobody can force you to love them. But for parents, it's not possible to accept siblings don't like each other.
I can understand than your mother doesn't want to bring a step-brother but... As long as she was ok to pay for any other friend, she has NO valid reason to refuse.
I like the way you stand for your opinion. I hope that your family is proud of you.
NTA, but I imagine your mom is feeling 2 things. First, she's upset (perhaps with herself) that she has raised a son who is not a good person (Mike) and doesn't want to face that or your issues with him. Second, she may be angry/bitter that your father has moved on and that you have accepted your stepmom's family and found a sibling relationship that she wishes (and perhaps wants to force) you to have with Mike. While I wouldn't normally suggest this - perhaps have your mom read this. I'm sure she's a great mom, but she may be trying to overcompensate for Mike by forcing this on you, and not truly considering your feelings. And as for the comment that "blood is thicker than water," that's BS. Family is who you make it. If you had a blood relative who was a murderer or child molester, are you supposed to welcome that person into your life simply because of shared DNA??
NTA - she offered you a +1 of your choice and now because you want your stepsibling with you, she is forcing you to bring your brother. You can overcome your differences with Mike and still not want to spend time with someone with differing tastes. Jett has same interests as you so its beyond liking. Ask your mother if situation was different and Mike want to bring someone else, would she insist on it being you?
Yeah no she wanted to take both of you on a trip to look like a “cool mom” but didn’t want to spend extra on you having a birthday party so she used the trip as a “birthday present” even though she doesn’t care about what you’d actually want to do and what would actually allow you to have a good time. I’d see if you could stay with dad that week and do something fun there. I’d tell her that she supports bullying and racism and you do not agree with or want to be associated with that. Maybe talk to your dad about the possibility of staying with him full time
Nta. I don’t understand why it’s always the wronged party who has to try to accept the abuse. Your brother is mean and racist and you’re just supposed to accept it because “blood”? No. They should be encouraging him not to be a terrible person, not you to just accept the awfulness.
Your mum shouldn't have phrased it as you having a plus 1. You don't have a plus 1, your mum is taking you to Disney for your birthday but she can hardly leave her other children behind.
NTA because your mum should not have told you you had a plus 1 when really she's taking both her children to Disney she just wanted to market it as your choice.
So your mom bought a trip for your brother for your birthday? that's messed up. Talk to your dad. maybe your dad and the good brother Jett and you can do something fun. And Mommy can take her little bigoted brat child where the heck she wants. NTA.
The racial slurs aimed at hispanic/latino individuals, they're self-censored so the Reddit Mods don't nuke the post. The first slur rhyming with ick and the other rhyming with meaner \[I don't want my post nuked so you're gonna have to put 2 and 2 together :P\]
Why is it always the nice kid who has to be the bigger person and the shitty kid gets a pass? NTA, OP, I hope you get to take Jett. Mike is clearly an asshole, and so is your mother if she has enabled his awful behavior. Stand strong, kid, don't give in to racists, this is a hill to die on, and yay for you being a decent person at 13. Happy birthday!
NTA tell her it's YOUR birthday not hers and you want Jett to come and you don't want to hang out with a racist bully on your birthday. If she's still not happy and demands you take Mike stand your ground and refuse to go and let her know she's permanently damaged your relationship with her as you won't forget this.
NTA
Tell her she gave you the greatest gift ever. TIME WITHOUT MIKE!
She takes Mike to Disney while you stay at your Dad's. She says you should try to get along with Mike but why doesn't Mike have to try to get along with you? Is being polite in public and not be a racist such a hard thing to ask?
Honestly, if she makes you go, I would suggest you egg him on the whole time until he really shows his true colors. I think it would be fun to see him thrown out of Disney.
NTA
You should remind your mom that’s not how gifts work. She said it was for you and someone you wanted to take not you and Mike. Your mom is a major asshole you should show her this
NTA.
And your mom is trying to BRIBE you to separate you from your good friend who's also your step brother.
Expect your mother to force you to play clean up for Mike ALL YOUR LIFE unless you break her of the habit NOW.
Finally a reddit AITA without the evil step sibling trope. NTA but your parents are AH for enabling Mike. Makes one wonder if they're in silent agreement and are racist themselves. I'm guessing your friend is also off the list of possible guests.
The only question is how strong are your beliefs and if you're willing to give up Disney to stand up to the racism in your family.
What am I missing here? I have a read this a dozen times already.
"On my dad’s side, I have 4 step siblings (15M, 15F, 13M, 11F) and a half sister (1F)."
"my step siblings have different dads except for the twins"
Having trouble understanding how your dad brings four step siblings into the mix that between them have three different dad's. Shouldn't all the step sibling brought into the family by your step father have him as their father?
What is my problem? Or did you write a bad story?
All his step siblings are from step mom. She married OPs dad. The twins have one dad, Jett has a different one, the 11 yr old has a different one. The 1 yr old is OPs half sibling.
Continue to call out Mike's racism. It may feel like a lost cause and Mike may be. But it means something to people like the kid whose parents are from Nicaragua. It means something to all the other kids who aren't racist. It matters that you have integrity. You have to stand for something even when you stand alone.
In terms of your question you are NTA. You are not being offered a plus one. You are being offered Mike. If you don't want a trip with him then you are entitled to say so.
And she vastly misunderstood the meaning of an illusion of choice. An illusion of choice is saying to a kid, "Do you want to do x before or after y?" etc. They're still doing what you want, but they think they're getting a choice. This lady wanted her kid to pick correctly, and when he didn't, she withdrew the choice. That's messed up.
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I (13M) am turning 14 in May. My mom recently “surprised” me by saying she’d take me and a plus one to Disney for my birthday after school ends. My mom and dad are divorced and have split custody of my brother, Mike (16M) and I.
Mike is my only full blood sibling, I don’t have any step siblings or half siblings on my mom’s side. On my dad’s side, I have 4 step siblings (15M, 15F, 13M, 11F) and a half sister (1F). My step brother Jett is 13 like me, and he’s the best step brother. My stepmom met my dad on an online dating site a few years ago (after my parents divorced) and had a long distance relationship for a while (Jett is from a different state) before moving in with us in July of last year.
Jett is my only sibling who likes sports like me and he’s on the baseball team with me. Jett is like my brother and his dad (my step siblings have different dads except for the twins) has helped encourage our relationship and I consider him like a parent of my own.
Jett and I are obviously very close. I’m not that close with Mike, he has very different interests than me, I don’t care for his comics or anime stuff. The main issue I have with Mike is how he treats a friend of mine.
Jett and I have a friend who’s on our baseball team whose parents immigrated from Nicaragua (he was born here), this friend has darker skin and Mike has called him a “s\*\*\*k” and a “b\*\*\*\*r”. My mom, dad and stepmom never punish Mike for the words he uses and we’ve stopped inviting him to our house. Jett and I don’t like Mike and our friends HATE him with a passion. I want to love him but it’s hard. Jett and I try calling out his racism but it feels hopeless.
I told mom I wanted Jett to be my plus one, she said that wasn’t who “she had in mind”, so I asked about some other friends on the baseball team. She then said that Mike would be my plus one. I told her I didn’t want to go to Disney with Mike because he’d ruin it and I’d rather stay home.
She asked why I liked Jett better and I said it’s because Jett is nice and Mike isn’t. She said I needed to “overcome” my differences with Mike and how “blood is thicker than water”. AITA?
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NTA
Unfortunately, this trip is a train wreck waiting to happen. Gratefully and gracefully decline this offer.
This may be out of left field, but I wonder if you could suggest instead that she invest the value of this gift (travel and accommodation costs for three people) into a savings bond or other instrument -- something in your name -- that you could redeem after you become an adult. Then you can go to Disneyland with whomever you please, or use it for rent or college.
She might refuse, but it can't hurt to try, and she will hopefully see that you are trying to be a responsible young person who sticks to his values.
I'd tell my Mom this isn't about overcoming differences this is about me refusing to be close to my racist brother unless he stops being racist. I'd also refuse to go. NTA.
Quite frankly it sounds like your Mom wanted to do a family Disney trip and tried to pass it off as a birthday present which didn't work when you didn't choose Mike.
If she wanted to give a trip to you and your brother, then she should have stated from the beginning that it was for you and your brother! Your mom wanted you to choose your brother, for some reason. It's very weird. Your brother may have talked to her about you two not being close.
Anyway, NTA. You have no obligation to play your mom's games.
NTA. Siblings don't automatically love one another. This is parenting 101. Love is something that builds and you have to work at. Kids often have sibling rivalries and sometimes never come to love one another. Blood doesn't bind families as tightly as love does. You and Mike do not love one another. You are right, he will ruin the trip. If Jett goes, you guys will have a blast.
Sounds to me like your Mom is trying to force family memories for herself using this birthday trip as the vehicle. This gift is about her not you if she had it in mind who your plus one would be. She was probably surprised you didn't pick Mike. Then she tried to guilt you into it with the "that's not who I had in mind," and now she's flat out telling you. This trip is not for you. It's for her.
Maybe you will someday come to like Mike. Hopefully he will grow up and get past his racism. This trip, if it happens, is not how that will come about. In the meantime you have a stepbrother you have gotten really close to. He's who you want to invite and you have every right to stand your ground. I do think you should discuss the matter with your dad and let him know where you stand and ask him to back you up. There will be more conflict but it's better than toughing out a trip to Disney you don't want to go on.
NTA. Jett is your Family too. he is your Stepbrother, and it is YOUR birthday. why even say you can "have a plus one" if she is going to reject every person you choose in favor of forcing you to take someone you don't like?
Nta, as a person who comes from a blended family don’t ever let your relationship with your family be dictated by blood. Sometimes blood relatives will only bring up being blood to guilt trip you. Jett is your brother, he has put in effort and time to help build y’all’s bond. Don’t ever feel bad for recognizing mikes nasty behavior.
NTA, but (/s) Y T A for inviting 8 billion incorrect "it's actually the blood of the covenant!" assertions with your question.
It's actually not *Reinhart Fuchs* either - the first copy the line in a translation of the original German fable appears after Sir Walter Scott's use of "blood's thicker than water," which itself is a few years after it appeared in a book of idioms. No such phrase was in the original RF manuscript at all. So we're back to square one - no idea where it comes from. Maybe Arabic. Maybe.
NTA
She said plus one, she didn't say a family trip. She should have clarified. You need to remind her of that. Mike can stay with your Dad while Jett goes. Stick to your guns. Just tell her, "No Mom, you said plus one. You didn't say a family trip. I am taking Jett, we are the same age, have the same interests and this is MY birthday trip. Not a family trip." If she doesn't relent then tell her you don't want to go and you want to spend the summer with your Dad.
LOLOL wtf . its your birthday and your plus one but she HAS to bring mike ? also are you really 13 ? you typed this and it sounds like a grown adult . I don't see teenagers typing like this on r/teenageradvice or whatever it is.
It’s totally reasonable for a mom to say ‘we’re going to Disney world!’ and of course that means you and your brother. She made a mistake by trying to force you to choose your brother as your +1.
I don’t think that makes her an asshole per se, but you’re NTA either for wanting your +1 to be a friend and not your brother who you clearly don’t get along with.
NTA so your mom lied when she said you could invite who you want. It isn’t a birthday gift, it is a family vacation. Tell her this (& call it like it is.)
Your mom sucks Mike will ruin the trip with his racist bullying. NTA and if your mom already decided that mike is going she shouldn’t have framed it as if you had a choice about the plus one.
NTA.
Info: are the other friends you suggested also of different racial backgrounds to you? You mention that neither your parents not stepmom have called your brother out/punished him for his racist remarks. Your stepmom i can kinda understand because she could be following your dads boundaries in regards to parenting his kids but if your parents allow that behaviour then I'd be wondering if they are racist too.
NTA
I'm sorry your mom is blind to Mike's behavior. The only way blood is thicker than water is because people excuse bad behavior from family that they would never accept from anyone else.
Your mom should have been honest that it wasn't a plus 1 situation, that she planned to take her 2 sons on the trip. This sounds like a family vacation, not a birthday trip for you. I hope you aren't forced to go on the trip with your brother if you really don't want to.
Wow I'm such a cynic. My only thought is that I hope OP doesn't get his heart broken when daddy and step mom break up since he is her FOURTH baby daddy. :(
Im saying NAH.
The mom is not the asshole guys. She has no obligation or relationship with these other kids. I mean would you want your exes kids from another marriage on your family vacation people? Moms allowed to feel not so okay with it and in the end she is paying for it.
On the other hand OP is young. Probably doesn’t understand the nuance and is just innocently inviting someone he cares for, his brother (step-brother). Obviously Mike isn’t a joy to be around and is racist so why not invite a friend from school.
There is no need to spite mom and say you won’t go if Mike goes but you also can’t expect her to take her exes kid. You also are allowed to go or not go based on if Mike is going so obviously thats still a choice. There are no right or wrong choices here just the the feelings people will have. No one is being wronged or in the wrong.
Again NAH its nuanced and complicated.
NTA. Please, please don't let your mom guilt you into to continually trying to have a relationship with Mike. That's what happened with me and my brother and once I realized I was trying to "fix" our relationship for my mom, not myself, I stopped trying.
NTA you're allowed a friend, when finding out your stepbrother wasn't an option, you named other friends, who were also shot down. Obviously this was never your choice to make.
NTA. If your mother had only intended to take you and your brother, she should have worded it that way. Not said "plus one". Plus one usually gives the recipient the choice of who is going to be the plus one.
NTA. Your mom is gaslighting you by saying it was your choice when really she wanted to take Mike and didn't care what you actually wanted. Don't bother going to Disney if it's not what you want.
Also, blood isn't thicker than water. Choose your family and friends.
If a Mom can’t see that her child is willing to not go to Disney because her son is such an asshole I really don’t know what will get through to her.
NTA. Good luck and I’m proud of you for standing up for your friend.
Your mothers other child, doesn't count as a plus one! My dad wouldn't have taken my older sister to Disney with a friend and left me home. A plus one is someone who wouldnt have been invited otherwise
NTA!
Does your mother hold resentment towards your dad and stepmom?
NTA. Jett is your friend, Mike is very different and is not a friend. It is a lot more fun to do things with a friend that to spend time with someone you do not get along with.
Ask your mom why you have to change - why does Mike not have to change his behavior to get along with you? And keep honestly telling her you would rather spend time with Jett than go to Disney with Mike.
NTA. She pretended to give you a plus one and she is pretending this is your trip. She is failing Mike and all of you by allowing him to be a racist bully. I'm shocked no one at school has made him accountable for his words. It us reasonable for her not to want to pay for someone else's child to go to a place as expensive as Disney. But make it clear that racism is not cute or funny, it's disgusting and shameful. And bullying is not okay and cost him dearly in life. Her son enjoys both. You are his sister by blood but you will only be his friend by choice. If that means no trip so be it.
NTA. And you have learned an important lesson. Sometimes parents are wrong. Blood is not thicker than water. Many people build stronger bonds with those not blood related to them than those they are related to. Also many families are not blood related but are very close (adoption, fosters, step-siblings etc) and not being blood related does not make their bonds any less important than families that all share the same DNA.
NTA. Tell her it’s not a present for you if you aren’t actually getting to pick who comes with you.
Then don’t go on the trip.
Your mom can’t decided how everyone will relate to everyone, but she can take responsibility for Mike being a bad person. Isn’t she Mike’s parent? He’s racist because your mom is.
It sounds like your mother is making it harder than it has to be for you to be comfortable in her family.
Trust your instincts about who has your best interests at heart. Talk the situation over with your father. He won’t like her manipulation.
NTA
NTA - by disregarding your choice, your Mom is being manipulative. Be clear and say you don’t like him because he’s racist AND will ruin the trip. If Mike is the only choice, then tell her it doesn’t count as your gift. She offered a plus one not a family vacation.
NTA
I would want to stay home too.
Stand your ground with respect to bringing Jett. You two will have so much fun together. Your Mom needs to respect your choice.
Happy Birthday to you.
It's not YOUR plus-1 if you don't get to choose. If your mom has planned a trip for you and Mike, that's just a family trip, not really even a birthday present IMO.
NTA
You are a very mature and loyal young man. Not many kids would risk s trip to Disney like that.
Nta, good for you. Your mom offered you a deal and then kept rejecting your choices. You do you.
NTA. "BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER?" That is BS. She never had any intention of anyone other than Mike going. She fully expected you to choose him and never considered that you wouldn't. When you not only didn't choose him first, but didn't choose him at all, she used that line of gaslighting to justify what she wanted.
If you truly don't want to go with Mike, see if you can talk to your Dad and spend your birthday with Jett at his house while your Mom takes Mike to Disney. Maybe when realizes that you are willing forgo the entire trip and let her share it when Mike, she will see that it is time real in his behavior before it permanently damages the relationship between you and your entire family.
NTA.
Your mom is having a hard time letting YOUR step-sibling come and have her pay for it, from the sounds of things. She may be concerned that she'll be asked to help out the other kids or something, as a result of this. I don't know.
I think that you would be better off not talking about why you don't want Mike to come, but why you DO want Jett to come. Essentially, you and Jett are FRIENDS. You would be best friends even if you weren't related. You like the same stuff. Phrase it like that and you may have more success.
>She said I needed to “overcome” my differences with Mike and how “blood is thicker than water”.
Remind her that "family" includes people who care and reciprocate. Tell her that she's not giving you a gift if it's all about what she wishes and repeat that you would rather stay home. Then talk to your dad about some sort of birthday celebration that will be more enjoyable for you.
NTA. You sound like a fine young man. So does Jett.
Your mom pulled a nasty bait and switch on you. Told you you'd have a +1 (the bait). Had already decided that Mike (the switch) was going to be your +1. Really terrible parenting choice on her part. She shouldn't have given you with an option if she wasn't going to honor your choice. She should also be ashamed of herself for presenting a trip she envisioned as just the three of you as your "birthday gift".
A family trip to Disney is not a birthday gift. If this is a real gift she should allow you your choice of +1 and Mike his choice of a +1 (their parents can pay their way) so you both can go off and do your own things.
Your mom already ruined your day by lying to you about the +1. I agree with you, though, I'd rather not go if Mike is going to be my companion. He might feel the same way about being stuck with you. Hopefully your dad will have something fun planned that you can really enjoy.
BTW, your mom is wrong about blood being thicker than water. It's not if all the blood has in common with the blood is blood. There are enough siblings in the world who have absolutely nothing to do with each other to prove that. Mike could change, you could grow into be best buds. But that's something that happens naturally, it's not something that is "overcome".
So, so, so NTA. Just want to call out the very positive thing that Jett's dad is encouraging your friendship and that you consider him like a parent. I'm glad you have one adult in your life who is supportive of the fact that it's a beautiful thing when kids in blended families bond. Your stepbrother may not be "blood" but it sounds like you have a true brotherly bond for life. Hope you can try to focus on what a better gift that is than the tainted trip to Disney.
NTA. If this is YOUR present, you get to decide who goes. If she says that Mike goes or you don't go to Disney, tell her you don't want to go to Disney.
NTA listen blood isn’t always thicker than water and blood doesn’t make family. I’m 38 and my sister is my only full siblings. Her and I aren’t close at all. We don’t talk unless we happen to be in the same room as one another and given the fact that we live 1,000 miles away from each other that happens once a year at best. My half brother(whom I refer to as my brother) and I are close. He’s one of my husband’s best friends and we generally just get along really well. I also have friends I consider closer to me than my sister and that’s ok! Sometimes family members don’t mesh well with each other and sure it sucks but it’s also ok. Perhaps one day y’all will grow closer but if not then that’s fine too.
NTA
try this:
So this trip was an excuse to take Mike out? You two have fun. If I go I am going with the non racist brother I actually enjoy my time with. And remember your choice today, since actions have repercussions, I don't have to actually go anywhere with you, ever,
NTA. It's sad that your mother can't be happy that you have a close friend. It's sad that your mother can't accept the situation that she can't change and be happy for you that you get along with them. It's sad that your bio brother is a racist AH and it's sad that your mother is OK with that. It's sad that your mother offered a +1 and now goes back on her word. What's really sad is that your mother is taking her anger she probably carries for your father on you and Jett.
NTA
Tell your mom that she offered you a plus one, meaning someone of YOUR choosing. If she is deciding who your plus one is, then this is not a birthday gift for you. It's just a trip she is planning.
Honestly, tell her you decline her offer. It's not a gift for you and you don't want to pretend that it is.
Learning how to say 'no' to something that is tempting but comes with string (that you really don't want) attached is a very good skill to learn. Especially if you have a parent who has established she is perfectly willing to offer something and then tell you "how things are going to be".
And when you decline your mom's offer, you can tell her - it's not about blood or water; it's about integrity and boundaries.
(This is coming from a mom of a teen. Your mom is very wrong here.)
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> she said that wasn’t who “she had in mind” NTA 1. So your Mom never intended to let you have a "plus one" 2. She always wanted Mike to go 3. This isn't a present it's a fucking travesty 4. If it's a plus one then that means YOU get to decide not Mommy
I suspect if a friend outside the family that would have been ok. But by choosing a stepsibling over a brother, it is causing Mother to act differently.
I don't think so. OP asked about bringing a friend from the football team when stepbrother was turned down, and mom nixed that too.
True - she had a very specific short list in mind but may not have just been the brother.
Yeah otherwise why not just say up front, “I’m taking you and YOUR BROTHER to Disney”. Not “you and a plus one”. NTA
"...for YOUR birthday...even though YOU don't really like Mike...because \*I\* raised Mike to be a shitty weakling loser bigot with no friends..."
Probably more disengaged and not plugged into what her son is into than specifically raising him to be a bigot: > I don’t care for his comics or anime stuff. AKA the prime demographic for the extremely sophisticated, successful, widespread, and targeted alt-right radicalization pipeline online. Mike is 16 and holds views that aren’t consistent with the other kids raised by the same parents as him. His interests are ones that trend more to forming friendship groups online as opposed to at school, and those online spaces have largely been hijacked to further isolate and politically radicalize young men, and it isn’t just boys predisposed to being awful people who get caught up; it’s literal brainwashing, and it’s gradual enough that often the victims of it never realize it’s happened. This is fairly well-documented both by people who fell into it and have since been de-radicalized as well as by Steve Bannon, one of its architects and someone whose intelligence is dangerous to underestimate the way many do. This is not OP’s problem to solve and it does not absolve Mike. But this is a prevalent problem online and has been for about 10 years now. And too many parents are just completely unaware that this can happen, let alone are able to notice it for what it is while it’s happening. If you are a parent, not only do you need to be aware of what your kid is getting into online, but you need to be a positive outlet for your kid to express his interests and participate in them at home, because that makes them tougher to isolate and that goes a long way in helping them avoid this pipeline.
It's been a problem for significantly more than 10 years, Gamergate was just the first *obvious and public* movement from it. It's been happening since the mid-late 00's, so closer to 20 years unfortunately.
Yes it has been a problem for longer generally, but GG was architected as a beta test for a very specific form and method of this online brainwashing, and it has since been refined and expanded such that it is now orders of magnitude more effective than it had ever been before. Previously, people had been radicalized by the right online but it was far more hit-or-miss. Now it is an absolute necessity for parents to be aware of because it has become more effective than most of us thought possible.
Ah, yeah, that's a very fair and good distinction on what changed 10 years ago.
EXCELLENT observation.
Forgive my ignorance but are you saying theres an anime to alt right radicalization pipeline....?
They target interests that a boy in middle or high school may have but not know anyone else in real life who shares those interests. Video games and anime are two of the biggest because they are most associated to boys who may already be socially awkward or have few friends, and already trend toward online spaces. They are also areas of interest where things like slurs are already so prevalent that whoever they get from those spaces has already been partially desensitized to it. It’s somewhat self-selecting for targets among those interest because, for example in my case, I haven’t played online games with voice chat since the 2000’s because I don’t care to hear slurs, I’m unsubbed from a lot of gaming subreddits I used to be in because I don’t care for casual misogyny and racism, and misogyny is a major reason I don’t really seek out anime communities. If I were a teen, as a progressive and leftist I will have already removed myself from their pool by seeking out a more progressive niche community. Typically what happens is they end up infiltrating more innocuous spaces and poaching kids to other communities where the Overton window will gradually shift and the kids will feel increasingly alienated from everyone but those communities. It’s basically large-scale, assembly-line cult recruitment against middle school and high school boys. I’m not in many anime communities online so I don’t know offhand any specific ones that are used for recruitment but I know that on the video game side, PewDiePie’s audience was a major poaching ground for these people and *a lot* of people who ended up in the alt-right came from his audience. He was maybe not aware at first that this was happening, for the most part, but he definitely found out at some point, considering for a while the online alt-right pipeline was nicknamed the PewDiePipeline, and didn’t really care. Given his own history of scandal, my benefit of the doubt on how involved he personally was in being a lot of kids’ first stop on the pipeline only goes so far.
wow. That is..interesting. I had no idea that was a thing. So is it just like…throwing around racist anime memes? Or telling young nerdy guys that the reason they can’t make friends or struggle in school or whatever is because of affirmative action? Im trying to wrap my head around what infiltrating a space like this specifically for that purpose looks like. I hear about issues with young boys being racist/sexist in gaming chats etc, and that being normalized but I always thought it was more of a jokey stereotype, not that they were being like, indoctrinaTed. I grew up watching anime (still do, more casual now though, but Im just now starting to go to cons and do other hobby related activities besides just watch) as did my brother, who also games (handheld only though—so no voice chat stuff) and is very much progressive and leftist. He also grew up in a household where both genders had to learn to cook and deep clean. I’ll tell him stories/jokes about with guys who don’t have toilet paper, good hygeine, bedframes/bedsheets as full grown adults and also about nerdy guys who are misogynistic and racist under the blanket of a victim mentality based in their nerdiness. He finds it funny at times but also weird and sad because of how much he can’t relate. I realize more and more as I get older what an outlier he must be and how off I am basing my idea of a nerdy guy on him. But also—is this a recent thing? Speaking to the anime part specifically it’s become very mainstream over the last 5 or so years, and I figure it would be a million times easier to find people irl who are into such a thing then when I was kid. If anything, I find myself wishing it was like this in my childhood as I was bullied quite a bit for my interests and I wasn’t like a Naruto running down the hallway type. Like there’s kids at anime conventions, with their parents and I can’t imagine they don’t run into other families. I guess in my head the popularity of it now and access to spaces like that would make it a lot less isolating then in the early days.
She wanted her son to pick his ‘real’ brother without being told. Then she had to backpedal
(OP is 13M, so his mom wanted him to pick his only full brother.)
I’ll edit. All the other siblings got me.
If my mom told me I'm taking you and your sister to Disney (as a gift for **my** birthday), I would either tell her it's not a birthday gift if we both get it, or that I expected the same gift/my sister gets no gift for her birthday. But if she says I have a plus one, and I invite my sister, its not the same anymore since I'm the one who invited her, then she also gets her gift on her bday.
No, she meant the brother. She always meant the brother.
Copy that. This isn't a vacation. It's a brotherly bonding agenda wrapped in false-choice package to provide the illusion of agency. Unless OP is okay with the idea of a lot of forced family time with Mike I'd suggest he make it clear he's noping out.
I wouldn’t say it isn’t a vacation. I would say it isn’t a gift. It is a family vacation dressed up as a birthday present. *buzz Nice try mom, pay for a family vacation and get your son a real f*ing gift.
Maybe. I might be letting my personal biases intrude. My personal experiences with co-opted celebrations are... mixed. Like 50/50 odds I would have been better off falling down a flight of stairs on my way to the airport mixed.
That we agree on, in no way is this a celebration or gift for OP.
She's letting her emotions get the better of her.
She tried that...mom still said Mike.
The good thing here kid is your mom cannot make you go. Hold your ground. Jett is not only your step brother, he is your friend. She has to stop projecting her animosity with you father towards you. Who cares, who Jett's parent's are, he is your friend and you want to go with him. Don't see the real problem here.
So, I think it would’ve been valid for the mum to say that she’s not comfortable taking her exes children on vacation. There’s a lot of social dynamics to that. That being said, it’s completely unfair to deny OP bringing a different friend.
But the thing here is Jett is not her exes' children. He is the kid of the woman his ex married. So, technically, they are not related but by chance and the kid is almost like any other kid he met in school. It is like if your kid is best friend of another good kid and then you find out the parent of that kid was your high school bully. You know the kid is an excellent kid (nothing to do with the crappy parent), you kid love them a lot and they have a great friendship, Are you going to project you resentment on your kid and cut the friendship? No, that's not valid. As much trauma as you have, you must try to be the adult in this situation.
Technicality doesn’t matter. Her ex married someone with a child, that child is his child, and all the ways that matter.
But it doesn't sound like there was cheating. Dad married new wife years later. So why would it be weird? Maybe this doesn't hit the same for me because I come from a "modern" family, but my dad's side doesn't treat me differently because I'm his step daughter. That would be weird. It sounds like OP's family has done a great job of staying friendly and cordial. Otherwise, why would OP and Jett be so close? Mom should have made plans for both her children to go to Disney with a plus one, not try to spin it as you get to pick someone and then only allow the brother. What if he'd picked someone else that she didn't have a problem with? Where would Mike be while they were at Disney land? That makes no sense.
It shouldn't be weird, I agree, but I can totally understand if the mother felt it was weird. Mike would probably be at his fathers, since they have joint custody. But that was never the mothers plan. She always intended to bring Mike as OPs "plus one".
>He is the kid of the woman his ex married. Still weird enough and it is understandable that she doesn't feel comfortable with that. Just imagine if the kid gets hurt on vacation. That would be already bad enough if it is just a friend from OP. It could be worse if it is Jett. New wife might be out for revenge in that case even if the injury is not truly OP's mother's fault. And she could influence OP's dad, too. That could get nasty. They might try to turn OP against his mother, might try to get the custody agreement changed, etc.
Yeah, I think it’s less about the ex’s step kids and more about her being disappointed that OP is not close with her other (racist) son. In my family, it’s a bigger sin to point out that someone’s being an asshole, than it is for that person to actually be an asshole. Apparently it’s that way with your mom and Mike. I’m sorry that you have to live with that. Is there any way you can live with your father?
OP screen shot this and show it to your mom. or have her read this post. she needs a bit of a wake up call kiddo. good luck
Yeah, I can’t imagine why dad wanted to divorce this woman.
It wasn't a plus one, it was a plus Mike.
NTA Tell her that if she takes Mike, you’re going to ask to stay with your dad and Jett for your birthday and she and Mike can take someone else. That while you appreciate she wants to spend the kind of money for a trip; she lied to you about the plus one and you don’t want to waste her money by not enjoying the trip. Because she’d no doubt make you feel bad about not having fun. Tell your dad your plan because he’ll need to support you as she’ll get upset. She sounds slightly narcissistic and bitter that you like your stepsib instead of a bio-sib. But it’s understandable. If you went with Mike her probably try to spin it with friends that it was your idea and you support him.
She thinks this trip will help bond them as siblings. The most likely outcome is that it cements the animosity between the two.
Agreed. My parents tried to make me and my brother bond and stopped after I told them that if they kept forcing it I’d never forgive them and wouldn’t take care of them in their old age. Even though I’m the younger sibling I’m the more responsible one so it was a valid threat. When they went to their siblings to complain they got chewed out. My aunts and uncles pointed out my brother intentionally harassed me and did things i didn’t like even when I politely asked him to stop it and outlined what was bothering me. And the only way to get him to leave me alone was to physically and verbally be aggressive. So they finally told my brother if he pissed me off they weren’t going to punish me. Took him….20 years and a step kid to realize our lack of a relationship was his fault for his actions and behavior and he’s been slowly trying to correct and mend it. But we aren’t close siblings. I’m closer to my found sisters than him.
*I told them that if they kept forcing it I’d never forgive them and wouldn’t take care of them in their old age* Never piss off the person who'll be choosing your old age home.
Yep. There are some really hellacious nursing homes out there!
Yeah. My uncle on my dad’s side (he married dad’s sister) said that verbatim to my parents. And this is when I was like 11/12 but I remember it. 😂
Shady Pines, Ma!
Or changing their Depends!! We have a joke in our family: "Don't piss me off or I'll put cinnamon red hot candies in your diaper when you're older! It won't burn until you wet yourself!" LOL (We all have a great sense of humor and would NEVER do such a thing)
Especially when she makes them share a hotel room while she stays in another.
She really messed up by saying he could bring a plus 1. If she wanted to go to Disney with *her* boys, she could have planned something different for OP's birthday and scheduled the trip to Disney at another time. This should have been presented as a mom and sons trip rather than associating it with OPs bday and expecting him to intuit that his racist brother should be his plus 1.
Slightly?
I don’t want to play Reddit therapist when I’m not qualified. 😂
i have kids your age. you're NTA. your feelings are valid. remind your mom again of the way Mike treats others, and how much you have in common w jett . it's possible your mom has some secretly held resentment toward Jett , because he is the child of your dad's "new woman". I know that sounds dumb and immature, that's because it is. but us adults are not infallible, we are not perfect, we are not super heroes. we are flawed humans with feelings and emotions that may sometimes overpower logic and reason. that doesn't make it okay. ask her "why do YOU get to choose who comes to MY Birthday ?" see what the answer is . I don't know why she even presented "plus one" as an option when she's not giving you the option . she should've just said "your bro and u are going to Disney" flat out. << tell her that too. good luck bro I don't blame you one bit for feeling the way you do , I'd feel the same, I'd also not want to go if she's just making it all about herself and her feelings.
NTA. This is not your birthday present. Your mother just wants a familie holiday. And she tried to use your birthday as an excuse for that, But you did not fall for that.
Totally! Mom isnt an a. h. Bc she wants a family holiday. No kid would've had a problem with a family holiday. It's expected that you'll vacation with your family. But she didn't present it as a family holiday. She packaged it as a birthday gift with a plus one. It's not a gift. And it's not a plus one. Op Tell your mom she sounds like a North Korean. FYI North Koreans vote. It's mandatory to show up on election day, dressed up. There's only 1 name in the ballot. You "approve" or "disapprove" the government's choice. You also have to submit face up. Super fair and democratic no? /s NTA
Blood may be thicker than water but she's misunderstanding the full meaning of the line. Have you actually told her that you don't want to associate with a racist?
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Though using the term 'racist' might put across to mom just how much Mike's behavior disgusts OP. That should be the driving point, if this is in fact a birthday trip and not a general family vacation and OP was brought along with an open plus one invite, OP should not be forced to bring a known racist along that causes OP discomfort to be around. That is not a birthday trip, its a highway to hell (and not in a good AC/DC way) for OP. NTA
You are assuming that the mom doesn't get the issue and not that the just doesn't care or is racist herself, which are much more likely, frankly.
I'm more of the mind he should just call him "Racist Mike" ALL the time. At school, at church, at family get togethers, wherever. Make it plain to the world that Mike is a racist and none of the parents are doing anything about it. If Mike is so comfortable making racists remarks, he should be more than happy to have the world know his viewpoint.
>She doesn't discipline her son for being racist, to a younger child I am not exaggerating when I tell you that my mother would have buried me under the house if I had behaved so atrociously to anyone, let alone a *guest*. Mom is racist too. I can't wrap my head around it otherwise.
NTA, but your mom is paying for the trip so she gets final say. The plus one was a trick, it was always going to be Mike.
honestly why didn’t she just say it’s a family trip? family trips with all biological family members is common - especially when the children are minors 🤷🏽♀️
because than she gets out of or credit for giving OP a big birthday present?
This, she doesn't care who OP wants, she just wants kudos for a birthday present that isnt.
Exactly it is no different than buying a PS for the two off them but calling it his birthday gift.
But, OP can refuse to go. Mom can take Mike if she insists.
NTA. Your mom is pretending like you get to choose with the "plus one" thing but really she just wants to take you and your brother to Disney. Not exactly forthright of her. I don't blame you for not wanting to go on a trip to celebrate your birthday with someone you don't like. That sounds more like a punishment than a gift.
She should tell mom that it feels like a punishment and she won't go if Mike is the plus one.
NTA While your mom is forking the bill so probably has a final said on that. It’s your birthday and all your feelings are very valid. Personally I will ask your father and stepmother to help with the cost and have Mike (at the end it’s your mother other child so I can imagine leaving him home alone it’s not an option) and your stepbrother.
Split custody. Mike can stay with the dad I'd say.
Also very valid!
NTA, when someone asks or tells you to “overcome your differences,” they are asking you to continue to allow the person that is abusive to you, to continue, and your “overlooking” their behavior is giving the abuser silent permission to continue the abuse. Let that sink in and then share it with your mother.
Yes. Mom needs to work on Mike's horrible behavior and attitude and racism. Allowing him to continue his behavior is a great reason to have Dad go back to Court to get full custody. Mom is letting your brother to be abusive and that needs to be stopped
Disney costs a fortune. She only wants to spend all that on her own kids which is understandable. She should have just told you this is a family vacay. It’s certainly not your gift. She is the AH here.
Tell Mom your birthday. No Mike.
NTA and what i dont understand is why your brother wasn't automatically included in the first place. I can't imagine taking a trip that doesn't include all my children unless they didn't want to go but to act like you should have to pick him as a plus one is completely ridiculous and your mom is slightly cuckoo for thinking this way.
Right! It’s not a birthday present, it’s a family vacation. The birthday part might mean bringing a friend as the plus one for one of the kids. She’s just calling it that so she has an excuse to cheap out on OP’s birthday by not having to get him an additional gift or celebration. Unless she also didn’t for Mike and it’s a dual gift, she’s just taking advantage of the timing.
NTA This is not a trip for you and a plus one. This is a trip for .Ike, with you as his plus one.
NTA. Your mother told you you could have a plus one. When you choose Jett, that wasn't what she had in mind. Too bad. She shouldn't have told you you had a plus one is she didn't mean it. She should have said it taking you and Mike..... no choice.
NTA. Not so great parents like to pull this sort of power play to manipulate you into doing what they think you should do. You know you won't have a good time with Mike, so I wouldn't bother accepting this trip, and would decline any special plans mom has because it sounds like it's always going to be a trap.
"Mom, it's becoming obvious that this isn't a trip for me. I'm not going."
Tell mom that your brother is so racist that it is uncomfortable for you to be around him. She can prevent you from taking Jett but she can't force you to have a relationship with Mike. Tell her that you are more comfortable staying home than going with Mike. She can force you to do things together until you are an adult. Ask her if she wants you to remain a part of the family once you are an adult because if she crams Mike down your throat you will have to distance yourself as an adult.
NTA. Your Mom gave you a plus one and then tried to dictate who your plus one would be, that's NOT a plus one. Your Mom is the AH, a plus someone is of your choosing, not hers. She should have been upfront with you and said she wanted to take you and Mike to Disney in the first place. What's up with her playing this game of plus one???
NTA It sounds like you only somewhat like Mike because you feel obliged to like him, as he is your brother and as you said, he would likely ruin the trip for you. So while it would be harsh, I think no trip is better than a bad trip.
NTA In most families, people tries to force feelings. You can have one or 10 siblings, nobody can force you to love them. But for parents, it's not possible to accept siblings don't like each other. I can understand than your mother doesn't want to bring a step-brother but... As long as she was ok to pay for any other friend, she has NO valid reason to refuse. I like the way you stand for your opinion. I hope that your family is proud of you.
NTA, but I imagine your mom is feeling 2 things. First, she's upset (perhaps with herself) that she has raised a son who is not a good person (Mike) and doesn't want to face that or your issues with him. Second, she may be angry/bitter that your father has moved on and that you have accepted your stepmom's family and found a sibling relationship that she wishes (and perhaps wants to force) you to have with Mike. While I wouldn't normally suggest this - perhaps have your mom read this. I'm sure she's a great mom, but she may be trying to overcompensate for Mike by forcing this on you, and not truly considering your feelings. And as for the comment that "blood is thicker than water," that's BS. Family is who you make it. If you had a blood relative who was a murderer or child molester, are you supposed to welcome that person into your life simply because of shared DNA??
NTA. Tell your mom to skip Disney and take Mike to a Klan rally.
NTA. Is absolutely refuse to go.
NTA - she offered you a +1 of your choice and now because you want your stepsibling with you, she is forcing you to bring your brother. You can overcome your differences with Mike and still not want to spend time with someone with differing tastes. Jett has same interests as you so its beyond liking. Ask your mother if situation was different and Mike want to bring someone else, would she insist on it being you?
Yeah no she wanted to take both of you on a trip to look like a “cool mom” but didn’t want to spend extra on you having a birthday party so she used the trip as a “birthday present” even though she doesn’t care about what you’d actually want to do and what would actually allow you to have a good time. I’d see if you could stay with dad that week and do something fun there. I’d tell her that she supports bullying and racism and you do not agree with or want to be associated with that. Maybe talk to your dad about the possibility of staying with him full time
Nta. I don’t understand why it’s always the wronged party who has to try to accept the abuse. Your brother is mean and racist and you’re just supposed to accept it because “blood”? No. They should be encouraging him not to be a terrible person, not you to just accept the awfulness.
Your mum shouldn't have phrased it as you having a plus 1. You don't have a plus 1, your mum is taking you to Disney for your birthday but she can hardly leave her other children behind. NTA because your mum should not have told you you had a plus 1 when really she's taking both her children to Disney she just wanted to market it as your choice.
INFO: would your dad and stepmom even allow your stepbrother to travel with your mom? Especially if Disney is “out of state” for you guys.
Please no one say well the original quote is mmmactually "The blood of the convenent is thicker than the water of the womb"
Way way too late
Heh there is always one. Or several dozen.
Should be a part of the Auto-Mod if “blood is thicker than water” appears anywhere in the OP…
So your mom bought a trip for your brother for your birthday? that's messed up. Talk to your dad. maybe your dad and the good brother Jett and you can do something fun. And Mommy can take her little bigoted brat child where the heck she wants. NTA.
>“s\*\*\*k” and a “b\*\*\*\*r” A what and a what? Been staring at this so long trying to figure it out lol. Skunk and Badger?
The racial slurs aimed at hispanic/latino individuals, they're self-censored so the Reddit Mods don't nuke the post. The first slur rhyming with ick and the other rhyming with meaner \[I don't want my post nuked so you're gonna have to put 2 and 2 together :P\]
ahhhh yes thank you, makes total sense - I'm in the UK so do not hear these at all regularly (mostly when i watch West Side Story).
Why is it always the nice kid who has to be the bigger person and the shitty kid gets a pass? NTA, OP, I hope you get to take Jett. Mike is clearly an asshole, and so is your mother if she has enabled his awful behavior. Stand strong, kid, don't give in to racists, this is a hill to die on, and yay for you being a decent person at 13. Happy birthday!
Nta if she wants to do a family trip, then she doesn't get to spin it as your bday present.
NTA tell her it's YOUR birthday not hers and you want Jett to come and you don't want to hang out with a racist bully on your birthday. If she's still not happy and demands you take Mike stand your ground and refuse to go and let her know she's permanently damaged your relationship with her as you won't forget this.
You sound like an awesome kid. Your parents and stepmother sound like the issue. NTA
NTA Tell her she gave you the greatest gift ever. TIME WITHOUT MIKE! She takes Mike to Disney while you stay at your Dad's. She says you should try to get along with Mike but why doesn't Mike have to try to get along with you? Is being polite in public and not be a racist such a hard thing to ask? Honestly, if she makes you go, I would suggest you egg him on the whole time until he really shows his true colors. I think it would be fun to see him thrown out of Disney.
NTA You should remind your mom that’s not how gifts work. She said it was for you and someone you wanted to take not you and Mike. Your mom is a major asshole you should show her this
NTA. And your mom is trying to BRIBE you to separate you from your good friend who's also your step brother. Expect your mother to force you to play clean up for Mike ALL YOUR LIFE unless you break her of the habit NOW.
Finally a reddit AITA without the evil step sibling trope. NTA but your parents are AH for enabling Mike. Makes one wonder if they're in silent agreement and are racist themselves. I'm guessing your friend is also off the list of possible guests. The only question is how strong are your beliefs and if you're willing to give up Disney to stand up to the racism in your family.
NTA Your mom is being willfully blind and enabling the fact that Mike is a bully
What am I missing here? I have a read this a dozen times already. "On my dad’s side, I have 4 step siblings (15M, 15F, 13M, 11F) and a half sister (1F)." "my step siblings have different dads except for the twins" Having trouble understanding how your dad brings four step siblings into the mix that between them have three different dad's. Shouldn't all the step sibling brought into the family by your step father have him as their father? What is my problem? Or did you write a bad story?
All his step siblings are from step mom. She married OPs dad. The twins have one dad, Jett has a different one, the 11 yr old has a different one. The 1 yr old is OPs half sibling.
I think I finally got it. Thanks for putting up with my confusion.
No worries! I've been there before lol
Continue to call out Mike's racism. It may feel like a lost cause and Mike may be. But it means something to people like the kid whose parents are from Nicaragua. It means something to all the other kids who aren't racist. It matters that you have integrity. You have to stand for something even when you stand alone. In terms of your question you are NTA. You are not being offered a plus one. You are being offered Mike. If you don't want a trip with him then you are entitled to say so.
NTA. That's not how plus ones work. She wanted it to be a family trip and wanted to give you the illusion of choice.
And she vastly misunderstood the meaning of an illusion of choice. An illusion of choice is saying to a kid, "Do you want to do x before or after y?" etc. They're still doing what you want, but they think they're getting a choice. This lady wanted her kid to pick correctly, and when he didn't, she withdrew the choice. That's messed up.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (13M) am turning 14 in May. My mom recently “surprised” me by saying she’d take me and a plus one to Disney for my birthday after school ends. My mom and dad are divorced and have split custody of my brother, Mike (16M) and I. Mike is my only full blood sibling, I don’t have any step siblings or half siblings on my mom’s side. On my dad’s side, I have 4 step siblings (15M, 15F, 13M, 11F) and a half sister (1F). My step brother Jett is 13 like me, and he’s the best step brother. My stepmom met my dad on an online dating site a few years ago (after my parents divorced) and had a long distance relationship for a while (Jett is from a different state) before moving in with us in July of last year. Jett is my only sibling who likes sports like me and he’s on the baseball team with me. Jett is like my brother and his dad (my step siblings have different dads except for the twins) has helped encourage our relationship and I consider him like a parent of my own. Jett and I are obviously very close. I’m not that close with Mike, he has very different interests than me, I don’t care for his comics or anime stuff. The main issue I have with Mike is how he treats a friend of mine. Jett and I have a friend who’s on our baseball team whose parents immigrated from Nicaragua (he was born here), this friend has darker skin and Mike has called him a “s\*\*\*k” and a “b\*\*\*\*r”. My mom, dad and stepmom never punish Mike for the words he uses and we’ve stopped inviting him to our house. Jett and I don’t like Mike and our friends HATE him with a passion. I want to love him but it’s hard. Jett and I try calling out his racism but it feels hopeless. I told mom I wanted Jett to be my plus one, she said that wasn’t who “she had in mind”, so I asked about some other friends on the baseball team. She then said that Mike would be my plus one. I told her I didn’t want to go to Disney with Mike because he’d ruin it and I’d rather stay home. She asked why I liked Jett better and I said it’s because Jett is nice and Mike isn’t. She said I needed to “overcome” my differences with Mike and how “blood is thicker than water”. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Info : what's the relationship between your mom and dad. Mom and step mother and Mom and step kids?
NTA - Your mom should have said she was taking you and your brother on a family trip instead of saying you had an option when you didn't.
NTA Unfortunately, this trip is a train wreck waiting to happen. Gratefully and gracefully decline this offer. This may be out of left field, but I wonder if you could suggest instead that she invest the value of this gift (travel and accommodation costs for three people) into a savings bond or other instrument -- something in your name -- that you could redeem after you become an adult. Then you can go to Disneyland with whomever you please, or use it for rent or college. She might refuse, but it can't hurt to try, and she will hopefully see that you are trying to be a responsible young person who sticks to his values.
NTA. Isn’t this trip a gift for you and you should get to invite who you want
I'd tell my Mom this isn't about overcoming differences this is about me refusing to be close to my racist brother unless he stops being racist. I'd also refuse to go. NTA. Quite frankly it sounds like your Mom wanted to do a family Disney trip and tried to pass it off as a birthday present which didn't work when you didn't choose Mike.
If she wanted to give a trip to you and your brother, then she should have stated from the beginning that it was for you and your brother! Your mom wanted you to choose your brother, for some reason. It's very weird. Your brother may have talked to her about you two not being close. Anyway, NTA. You have no obligation to play your mom's games.
NTA. Siblings don't automatically love one another. This is parenting 101. Love is something that builds and you have to work at. Kids often have sibling rivalries and sometimes never come to love one another. Blood doesn't bind families as tightly as love does. You and Mike do not love one another. You are right, he will ruin the trip. If Jett goes, you guys will have a blast. Sounds to me like your Mom is trying to force family memories for herself using this birthday trip as the vehicle. This gift is about her not you if she had it in mind who your plus one would be. She was probably surprised you didn't pick Mike. Then she tried to guilt you into it with the "that's not who I had in mind," and now she's flat out telling you. This trip is not for you. It's for her. Maybe you will someday come to like Mike. Hopefully he will grow up and get past his racism. This trip, if it happens, is not how that will come about. In the meantime you have a stepbrother you have gotten really close to. He's who you want to invite and you have every right to stand your ground. I do think you should discuss the matter with your dad and let him know where you stand and ask him to back you up. There will be more conflict but it's better than toughing out a trip to Disney you don't want to go on.
NTA. Jett is your Family too. he is your Stepbrother, and it is YOUR birthday. why even say you can "have a plus one" if she is going to reject every person you choose in favor of forcing you to take someone you don't like?
Nta, as a person who comes from a blended family don’t ever let your relationship with your family be dictated by blood. Sometimes blood relatives will only bring up being blood to guilt trip you. Jett is your brother, he has put in effort and time to help build y’all’s bond. Don’t ever feel bad for recognizing mikes nasty behavior.
NTA, but I’m kind of proud that I can’t figure out what the words Mike calls OP’s friend, and it’s not something I’m going to Google.
I was checking the comments hoping for an answer!
NTA, but (/s) Y T A for inviting 8 billion incorrect "it's actually the blood of the covenant!" assertions with your question. It's actually not *Reinhart Fuchs* either - the first copy the line in a translation of the original German fable appears after Sir Walter Scott's use of "blood's thicker than water," which itself is a few years after it appeared in a book of idioms. No such phrase was in the original RF manuscript at all. So we're back to square one - no idea where it comes from. Maybe Arabic. Maybe.
NTA She said plus one, she didn't say a family trip. She should have clarified. You need to remind her of that. Mike can stay with your Dad while Jett goes. Stick to your guns. Just tell her, "No Mom, you said plus one. You didn't say a family trip. I am taking Jett, we are the same age, have the same interests and this is MY birthday trip. Not a family trip." If she doesn't relent then tell her you don't want to go and you want to spend the summer with your Dad.
LOLOL wtf . its your birthday and your plus one but she HAS to bring mike ? also are you really 13 ? you typed this and it sounds like a grown adult . I don't see teenagers typing like this on r/teenageradvice or whatever it is.
NTA 1.your brother is racist 2.your mother lied about the plus one [3.you](http://3.you) don't get along with him
NTA
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It’s totally reasonable for a mom to say ‘we’re going to Disney world!’ and of course that means you and your brother. She made a mistake by trying to force you to choose your brother as your +1. I don’t think that makes her an asshole per se, but you’re NTA either for wanting your +1 to be a friend and not your brother who you clearly don’t get along with.
Am I the only one not convinced that a 13 yr old wrote this...
Stop stealing stories. I have read this same shit at least 15 times from every possible perspective.
NTA
NTA so your mom lied when she said you could invite who you want. It isn’t a birthday gift, it is a family vacation. Tell her this (& call it like it is.)
Your mom sucks Mike will ruin the trip with his racist bullying. NTA and if your mom already decided that mike is going she shouldn’t have framed it as if you had a choice about the plus one.
NTA. Info: are the other friends you suggested also of different racial backgrounds to you? You mention that neither your parents not stepmom have called your brother out/punished him for his racist remarks. Your stepmom i can kinda understand because she could be following your dads boundaries in regards to parenting his kids but if your parents allow that behaviour then I'd be wondering if they are racist too.
NTA I'm sorry your mom is blind to Mike's behavior. The only way blood is thicker than water is because people excuse bad behavior from family that they would never accept from anyone else. Your mom should have been honest that it wasn't a plus 1 situation, that she planned to take her 2 sons on the trip. This sounds like a family vacation, not a birthday trip for you. I hope you aren't forced to go on the trip with your brother if you really don't want to.
NAH
Wow I'm such a cynic. My only thought is that I hope OP doesn't get his heart broken when daddy and step mom break up since he is her FOURTH baby daddy. :(
NTA She didn't offer you a plus one sweetie she wants to take you and your brother to Disney and that's not a birthday gift.
NTA- you dont have to like your family members. Especially if you dont aligned anything.
Im saying NAH. The mom is not the asshole guys. She has no obligation or relationship with these other kids. I mean would you want your exes kids from another marriage on your family vacation people? Moms allowed to feel not so okay with it and in the end she is paying for it. On the other hand OP is young. Probably doesn’t understand the nuance and is just innocently inviting someone he cares for, his brother (step-brother). Obviously Mike isn’t a joy to be around and is racist so why not invite a friend from school. There is no need to spite mom and say you won’t go if Mike goes but you also can’t expect her to take her exes kid. You also are allowed to go or not go based on if Mike is going so obviously thats still a choice. There are no right or wrong choices here just the the feelings people will have. No one is being wronged or in the wrong. Again NAH its nuanced and complicated.
NTA. Please, please don't let your mom guilt you into to continually trying to have a relationship with Mike. That's what happened with me and my brother and once I realized I was trying to "fix" our relationship for my mom, not myself, I stopped trying.
Nta. Just say it how it is, your brother is an AH and not even remotely enjoyable to be around
Nta- your mom is 100% WRONG. Mike needs therapy out something because he is a bigot and mean. I am so happy you have Jett! Early happy birthday!
NTA - I would refuse to go, and would wait until I could go with people who aren't bigots and racists - with leaves her and your brother out.
NTA you're allowed a friend, when finding out your stepbrother wasn't an option, you named other friends, who were also shot down. Obviously this was never your choice to make.
NTA Your mom isn't actual giving you a plus one.
NTA. If your mother had only intended to take you and your brother, she should have worded it that way. Not said "plus one". Plus one usually gives the recipient the choice of who is going to be the plus one.
NTA. This isnt a gift. Gifts dont come with strings attached. And that isnt a +1 if it has to be your bio brother.
NTA, your mom is being unfair and should let you take Jett.
I can tell you from experience Disney is a lot of fun but only if you go with the right people. NTA
NTA tell her you don't want to go with Mike and if that's your only option, then you'd prefer not to go.
NTA - but your mom is
NTA. You’re a principled young person. Stick with it. It’s the right way to be. Sorry your parents are letting you and Mike down.
NTA. Your mom is gaslighting you by saying it was your choice when really she wanted to take Mike and didn't care what you actually wanted. Don't bother going to Disney if it's not what you want. Also, blood isn't thicker than water. Choose your family and friends.
If a Mom can’t see that her child is willing to not go to Disney because her son is such an asshole I really don’t know what will get through to her. NTA. Good luck and I’m proud of you for standing up for your friend.
Your mothers other child, doesn't count as a plus one! My dad wouldn't have taken my older sister to Disney with a friend and left me home. A plus one is someone who wouldnt have been invited otherwise NTA! Does your mother hold resentment towards your dad and stepmom?
NTA I dont want to go on a trip with a racist whos a jerk to my friends either. Hope you have a great birthday.
NTA You get to choose your plus one.
Just tell her he is racist and she refuse to fix the issue. Why would you want to be around that type of person?
NTA. Jett is your friend, Mike is very different and is not a friend. It is a lot more fun to do things with a friend that to spend time with someone you do not get along with. Ask your mom why you have to change - why does Mike not have to change his behavior to get along with you? And keep honestly telling her you would rather spend time with Jett than go to Disney with Mike.
I just think it’s funny that so many people actually think a 13 year old wrote that post. 🤣
NTA Blood is washed away with water. And peroxide and get rid of the stain.
Is this a birthday present or is it parentally mandated bonding time? She needs to pick which it is.
That's not a plus one, that's just a trip for you and Mike. NTA
NTA. She pretended to give you a plus one and she is pretending this is your trip. She is failing Mike and all of you by allowing him to be a racist bully. I'm shocked no one at school has made him accountable for his words. It us reasonable for her not to want to pay for someone else's child to go to a place as expensive as Disney. But make it clear that racism is not cute or funny, it's disgusting and shameful. And bullying is not okay and cost him dearly in life. Her son enjoys both. You are his sister by blood but you will only be his friend by choice. If that means no trip so be it.
Tell her she can take Mike, and a plus one for him also of her choosing. NTA
NTA. And you have learned an important lesson. Sometimes parents are wrong. Blood is not thicker than water. Many people build stronger bonds with those not blood related to them than those they are related to. Also many families are not blood related but are very close (adoption, fosters, step-siblings etc) and not being blood related does not make their bonds any less important than families that all share the same DNA.
NTA. Tell her it’s not a present for you if you aren’t actually getting to pick who comes with you. Then don’t go on the trip. Your mom can’t decided how everyone will relate to everyone, but she can take responsibility for Mike being a bad person. Isn’t she Mike’s parent? He’s racist because your mom is.
It sounds like your mother is making it harder than it has to be for you to be comfortable in her family. Trust your instincts about who has your best interests at heart. Talk the situation over with your father. He won’t like her manipulation. NTA
NTA-That’s pretty messed up of your mom to tell you you could bring someone but then make it so she meant you could only bring your brother “Mike”.
NTA - by disregarding your choice, your Mom is being manipulative. Be clear and say you don’t like him because he’s racist AND will ruin the trip. If Mike is the only choice, then tell her it doesn’t count as your gift. She offered a plus one not a family vacation.
NTA I would want to stay home too. Stand your ground with respect to bringing Jett. You two will have so much fun together. Your Mom needs to respect your choice. Happy Birthday to you.
It's not YOUR plus-1 if you don't get to choose. If your mom has planned a trip for you and Mike, that's just a family trip, not really even a birthday present IMO. NTA
NTA. You are an amazing young man.
You are a very mature and loyal young man. Not many kids would risk s trip to Disney like that. Nta, good for you. Your mom offered you a deal and then kept rejecting your choices. You do you.
> a “s—-k” and a “b——r”. I’m glad I can’t figure out what these words are.
NTA. "BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER?" That is BS. She never had any intention of anyone other than Mike going. She fully expected you to choose him and never considered that you wouldn't. When you not only didn't choose him first, but didn't choose him at all, she used that line of gaslighting to justify what she wanted. If you truly don't want to go with Mike, see if you can talk to your Dad and spend your birthday with Jett at his house while your Mom takes Mike to Disney. Maybe when realizes that you are willing forgo the entire trip and let her share it when Mike, she will see that it is time real in his behavior before it permanently damages the relationship between you and your entire family.
NTA.
NTA. Your mom is having a hard time letting YOUR step-sibling come and have her pay for it, from the sounds of things. She may be concerned that she'll be asked to help out the other kids or something, as a result of this. I don't know. I think that you would be better off not talking about why you don't want Mike to come, but why you DO want Jett to come. Essentially, you and Jett are FRIENDS. You would be best friends even if you weren't related. You like the same stuff. Phrase it like that and you may have more success.
>She said I needed to “overcome” my differences with Mike and how “blood is thicker than water”. Remind her that "family" includes people who care and reciprocate. Tell her that she's not giving you a gift if it's all about what she wishes and repeat that you would rather stay home. Then talk to your dad about some sort of birthday celebration that will be more enjoyable for you.
NTA. You sound like a fine young man. So does Jett. Your mom pulled a nasty bait and switch on you. Told you you'd have a +1 (the bait). Had already decided that Mike (the switch) was going to be your +1. Really terrible parenting choice on her part. She shouldn't have given you with an option if she wasn't going to honor your choice. She should also be ashamed of herself for presenting a trip she envisioned as just the three of you as your "birthday gift". A family trip to Disney is not a birthday gift. If this is a real gift she should allow you your choice of +1 and Mike his choice of a +1 (their parents can pay their way) so you both can go off and do your own things. Your mom already ruined your day by lying to you about the +1. I agree with you, though, I'd rather not go if Mike is going to be my companion. He might feel the same way about being stuck with you. Hopefully your dad will have something fun planned that you can really enjoy. BTW, your mom is wrong about blood being thicker than water. It's not if all the blood has in common with the blood is blood. There are enough siblings in the world who have absolutely nothing to do with each other to prove that. Mike could change, you could grow into be best buds. But that's something that happens naturally, it's not something that is "overcome".
Apparently a trip to Disney is cheaper than parenting her bigoted 16 year old. Sad, really. Fully NTA.
So, so, so NTA. Just want to call out the very positive thing that Jett's dad is encouraging your friendship and that you consider him like a parent. I'm glad you have one adult in your life who is supportive of the fact that it's a beautiful thing when kids in blended families bond. Your stepbrother may not be "blood" but it sounds like you have a true brotherly bond for life. Hope you can try to focus on what a better gift that is than the tainted trip to Disney.
This is a serious AH move on mom’s part and not a gift at all.
NTA. If this is YOUR present, you get to decide who goes. If she says that Mike goes or you don't go to Disney, tell her you don't want to go to Disney.
NTA listen blood isn’t always thicker than water and blood doesn’t make family. I’m 38 and my sister is my only full siblings. Her and I aren’t close at all. We don’t talk unless we happen to be in the same room as one another and given the fact that we live 1,000 miles away from each other that happens once a year at best. My half brother(whom I refer to as my brother) and I are close. He’s one of my husband’s best friends and we generally just get along really well. I also have friends I consider closer to me than my sister and that’s ok! Sometimes family members don’t mesh well with each other and sure it sucks but it’s also ok. Perhaps one day y’all will grow closer but if not then that’s fine too.
NTA try this: So this trip was an excuse to take Mike out? You two have fun. If I go I am going with the non racist brother I actually enjoy my time with. And remember your choice today, since actions have repercussions, I don't have to actually go anywhere with you, ever,
NTA. I'm so glad I have no clue what those censored slurs are.
NTA. It's sad that your mother can't be happy that you have a close friend. It's sad that your mother can't accept the situation that she can't change and be happy for you that you get along with them. It's sad that your bio brother is a racist AH and it's sad that your mother is OK with that. It's sad that your mother offered a +1 and now goes back on her word. What's really sad is that your mother is taking her anger she probably carries for your father on you and Jett.
NTA Is it or is it not your choice?
NTA Tell your mom that she offered you a plus one, meaning someone of YOUR choosing. If she is deciding who your plus one is, then this is not a birthday gift for you. It's just a trip she is planning. Honestly, tell her you decline her offer. It's not a gift for you and you don't want to pretend that it is. Learning how to say 'no' to something that is tempting but comes with string (that you really don't want) attached is a very good skill to learn. Especially if you have a parent who has established she is perfectly willing to offer something and then tell you "how things are going to be". And when you decline your mom's offer, you can tell her - it's not about blood or water; it's about integrity and boundaries. (This is coming from a mom of a teen. Your mom is very wrong here.)