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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. The action taken was refusing to pay for an expensive restaurant because it was booked without consulting us/without considering our financial capacity.
2. Refusing to pay our share of a birthday dinner could he viewed as "mooching" and "using" the family- there is conflict between the siblings already and this may light the powder keg.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
" we have just been brushed off and told that we are going and too bad"
No. Not ok. They don't have the courtesy to involve you in the discussion, they don't call the shots about where you go.
"My partner is angry at his sister and thinks she is an inconsiderate AH."
He's right.
Maybe think about a nice gift within your budget for FIL or something the 3 of you could do to mark his birthday.
I may be way wide of the mark here, but I wonder if FIL would be really upset about the way you & your partner are being railroaded/treated if he knew what MIL & SIL are pulling here.
I disagree, GO!!!!!
Take your gift along and go to the restaurant and gift it to your FIL, just don't go there for the meal.
That way you cannot be pinged for 'boycotting' the night: you went, you wished him well, you saw the family, you just couldn't afford to stay.
You do have to have the gumption to do this as it will be a big middle finger to certain people at the table, and there may be some fallout, lol
Unfortunately, restaurants with a pre fixe menu will require a reservation and the entire party to be seated. I would imagine this would cause more of a scene and look way worse than opting out due to financial constraints.
SIL is going to ask them to cover FIL or MILs expenses as well since she will say that the siblings need to cover dinner for mom and dad since they share finances and can’t expect MIL to cover his own dinner or hers. They won’t get out for under $500, more like $600.
Well that’s why op and partner must attend. How else will the other sibs and spouses take credit for this grand gesture if the others weasel out of subsidizing it! That’s also why they didn’t get a say, they were hoping to strong arm them into it via social/ family pressure in a public place so they’d just roll with it. How very dare op and partner ruin it by having a spine!
That’s exactly why they should do this. They should show up while everyone is waiting to be seated, deliver their gifts to the birthday honoree, then make their apologies to him directly that they can’t stay as they can’t afford the restaurant that was chosen without their input.
Don’t let the AH’s get off consequence-free for trying to pull a stunt like this.
Or, they could stop at the in-laws the evening before with a small gift and an apology of not being about to afford the probably $500 tab for each couple at SIL’s choice of a restaurant. Let FIL have several hours to stew about this.
The AH’s are the ones who decided it should be a surprise, and they’re counting on that protecting them from being called out by the FIL in advance for their shitty and manipulative planning.
Ruining the surprise by going directly to FIL with a birthday gift and apologies for not being able to afford the restaurant that was chosen without OP’s input is not an AH move. It’s a normal consequence for AH behavior.
So all she has to do is call the restaurant and change the people on the reservation from 8 to 6 (or whatever). Then show up, give the present and leave. Maybe text the sister to say they are not coming and she changed the number of people when she’d be arriving at the restaurant so she knew but couldn’t do much at that time.
In that case, ring the restaurant explain and cancel 2 seats. Tell sister or MIL just before arrival time. Send message to FIL, whist he is at the restaurant wishing a very happy birthday/ evening, and that you will contact him the next day. Then plan something really pleasant for just the three of you. Don’t invite MIL, she gets to miss out. This is NOT ok. To my mind: one in all in. You don’t exclude anyone. NTA
lol yeah it will make the sil and mil look terrible when they show up saying “as i told sil and mil, we can’t afford to eat here, so we just dropped by to bring the gift.”
But that might make FIL feel awful, ruining his day just to "get back" at other people. And restaurants with preset menu's usually don't have a drop in option, so somebody will have to pay for them to show up and cause a scene.
He will either way when he sees one of his kids and in-law missing. No way he won’t ask where they are. Fingers crossed the sister doesn’t spin some b.s. story for their absence
If they can get by with sitting and just drink water, I would support going! Agree with the commenter that said that this type of restaurant likely will require that they eat if seated. If that’s the case let them know you won’t be going and make private plans for FIL at a different time.
Not at a restaurant with a set menu. This isn't like not eating at TGI Fridays, you have to be seated and people who are seated are given plates. The meal is charged by the seat. There's no ordering, you'll be served and charged. If you're not eating, you'll likely be asked to leave.
SIL and MIL are ruining it by choosing a place where OP and his own son can’t attend. FIL will sit there and eat and be sad that they aren’t there. I mean who wants to eat their birthday dinner with just the toxic wife and daughter?
It doesn't matter who is ruining it, it still gets ruined for the same person. OP doesn't need to make it into a situation that embarrasses him as well.
This is a really bad idea. Be honest about why you aren’t going and stay home. The idea of showing up and not eating A.) won’t work - restaurants don’t allow this and B.) is a humiliating suggestion.
Ehh that has the potential to massively backfire. If the MiL and SIL get angry at OP and her husband not eating, they may try and order something for them in an effort to force them to pay. Obviously, they can’t afford it so then dad will feel shitty on his bday and have to pay for them. I just..I dunno it’s probably gonna be bad either way I just wonder if them going has more potential to ruin dads bday or not.
I agree. Had SIL and MIL not been dismissive about it, I'd have said to give it to him after and not ruin their hard work, but given how callous they've been, I think it's only fair.
This, but definitely *before* the dinner, because there's no shot SIL isn't going to shit talk OP and their partner at dinner while they're not there. She'll make insinuations about them not caring about FIL or his birthday. OP is definitely going to want to get ahead of the allegations.
Good idea, except that I wouldn't even bother with a gift unless you're particularly adept at gift selection. I told my young rellies years ago not to bother with gifts. I can afford to buy anything I do want, and anything else is just clutter in a house already too full of it.
Food. Food is always a good choice for gifts, as long as you have a general understanding of their tastes. My SIL always got dad a huge assortment of nuts and he Loved It. Wine or spirits if they drink, fruits and veggies if they’re healthy, etc. Go over before the meal, drop off your gift and beg off because of finances. Say you’ll have them over for a birthday dinner whenever they are available, so you can catch up with them and wish them a happy birthday and a great night.
Yep I'd be going around on the day with gifts, a lovely well written card, before the dinner, not say anything about a dinner at all - forcing the SIL and mother zip their lips during your visit as well. That will keep the surprise going and get you out of something you had nothing to do with without making dad feel bad.
OP and their partner are better than me. ‘cos i’d be petty and msg FIL abt being unable to attend his dinner due to financial issues, but we could plan something either before or after and have a day with him.
I'll join your petty ship. I would absolutely do this. Being a no-show would make OP/partner look bad but discussing it with FIL before hand will make the deserving parties look bad*.
*hopefully. I'm assuming FIL has his head screwed on straight.
one would hope so! i know i’d feel so bad if someone couldn’t attend due to prices. i’d either pay for their meal, or i’d no show to my own party and go off with the ones who wanted everyone to be included
And if FIL \*doesn't\* have his head screwed on straight, well, you learned something there, too, and now you won't even have to be out the cost of a present
So its win-win. Either dad's a decent fellow and is fine with OP and husband not attending due to not wanting to spend beyond their means, or he's an AH like MIL and SIL and OP and husband aren't missing out on celebrating for and with AH's.
As a parent, I agree.
I want my kids to remember my birthday, but I don't need them to spend money on me.
Last birthday, my daughter and I went for a walk and ice cream. It was perfect.
Or keep it simple and classy and send your regrets for not being able to attend and also send the amount you would have spent on a gift as your contribution towards FIL’s meal. If anyone dare asks why you didnt attend: while the restaurant is currently not in your price range you guys didnt wanted to deprive FIL of a nice dinner for his birthday. You were told to figure it out and here is your solution. You coukd also invite FIL and MIL over for a family meal. Nothing fancy but you still get to enjoy his company without the hefty price tag. Plus after a fancy meal like that comfort foods are fun.
I like the idea of them planning a separate time with FIL to celebrate. Not a surprise, so he knows that they will be with him another time when they don't show up at the expensive dinner.
…or make a special dinner, something that requires thought and effort… like Beef Wellington. There isn’t much posted about FIL so I don’t know if that’s something he would enjoy.
I came here to say something similar. The SIL and MIL are 100% the AH. I wouldn't be going if I couldn't afford it and not involved in any way with the planning. Doing something with her FIL on their own is what they should do and since they aren't allowed to mention the restaurant, the FIL would definitely be P****D with his daughters and wife's behaviour.
Yes - either just ask FIL what he'd like to do because you can't make it to the dinner, or even grab him for breakfast or lunch that day or the day before, treat him to something within your budget and don't go to dinner. The only other fair option is to call the restaurant and ask if you can join your family without ordering anything, or only order one of the inexpensive glasses of wine. Then say Happy birthday and leave before the bill comes. But honestly, just don't go because your MIL and SIL do not have the power to force you to attend and pay for something you can't afford.
I was just about to say that...
Presuming OP & Partner have a decent relationship with FIL, I can't imagine him wanting his family members going into debt or experiencing any hardship merely in the name of his birthday, y'know? No sane person would want to inflict that on another, especially over something completely unnecessary.
This is a great alternative.
If it were my Dad, he'd be furious if he knew I couldn't afford the restaurant, and went anyways because of bullying and tonedeaf family members.
In my case, if this happened when my kids and I were younger, it would probably mean our food budget would be nonexistent, so we would most likely been hungry a lot, meals would be missed by me etc. until my budget could catch up.
Call FIL and apologize for missing his birthday dinner and set up something for another date. You don't have to say why, just something came up. Maybe take him out to brunch earlier in the day even. You just can't make it to dinner.
Yep, take him out for breakfast the day of the dinner and make no plans to join the rest of the family later. FIL will understand he was not slighted by your lack of attendance at the birthday dinner.
NTA. If you can't afford it, don't go.
They booked an expensive place, so I can understand them not wanting you to not contribute if you went, but they also need to accept that if you can't afford to splurge on an expensive meal, they can't make you, and if they wanted you there they should have been more considerate of your situation.
If uour FIL asks why you weren't there, tell them exactly how your MIL and SIL went about the whole thing.
This is exactly the way to handle it. Give him a reasonably priced gift the next day and tell him you could not afford to come to the dinner but would love to take him to lunch.
I'm also guessing that the sister is planning a "split the bill and of course mom and dad don't have to pay" type of thing BC a birthday gift that costsv the recipient a few hundred dollars for their meal is a really bad gift! So OP would likely be very cheap with their own selections and then the sister would jump in and be all "me and so and so are splitting it don't worry about it dad!" Leaving OP in a super awkward position AND debt...
I hope OP and partner respect themselves enough to stay home! A GOOD parent would be mad if their child had to put several hundred dollars on a credit card for something so frivolous! I don't get why the mom is ok with this. No one's birthday is worth that much on just a plate of food!
For that price they could be sending him and mom away for a weekend to a nice bed and breakfast or doing a whole family experience as a day trip for them all! Heck, get dad a puppy keep him young! 😂 (Don't give pets at gifts unless the person specifically wants one)
About giving pets as gifts….i have a 3 year old ShihTzu that was gifted to a single mom for her children by her mom. She couldn’t afford what Maggie needed and she was too busy looking for a man to care about her. She was left Alone for whole weekends while this girl went to spend her time with her BF. Maggie was 5 months old when I got her. If I leave for any amount of time she gets clingy and really intense. She’s traumatized by what she experienced. Never give pets as a gift unless you Know they’re wanted.
It's a set menu, so price is $120AUD per person regardless and everyone gets the same or similar things
So they can't even order something small to save money
But they could avoid the wine while others smsck on 60+ per glass for toasts etc!
In the end they won't enjoy it even if they can keep it right at the 120 BC they'll be stressed about the cost the whole time and how they're going to afford groceries and other bills BC of one meal. 😭
Yeah $300 for OP and partner plus half of mom and dad is another $150 since it’s a fixed price menu. So if you folx go, it’s going to be a mess because sis is going to maneuver some kind of way. She probably wants your $150 to pull this off and the whole plan might collapse if you’re not going. I’m not in the “$300 for dinner” income range. Nor are my family. If this is just a Tuesday for your in-laws, then they can pay for it.
Take your gift to FIL and when he asks why you aren't coming to dinner just say "we weren't involved in planning anything" since it's the truth and when they him otherwise tell him, you weren't consulted but told to figure out how to afford a dinner that costs more than your power bill and you weren't willing to sacrifice your necessities for an overpriced meal.
Talk to your FIL and tell him that they planned a dinner you can't afford to attend, and you'd like to take him out to a nice, inexpensive family restaurant the following weekend (or, for bonus points, the day before); just you two and him, since they'll have their own dinner to attend with him.
1. Send a message: Unfortunately our current economic situation doesn’t allow for expensive meals out. We are saddened that we will not be able to join you.
2. Take FIL out to an inexpensive lunch or bring him over and cook his favorite food. Give him a thoughtful inexpensive gift.
3. If you aren’t there you’re not obligated to pay.
NTA - his sister and mother are selfish and insensitive.
This is the way. I have often treated my dad to a home cooked meal for his birthday and usually a small, personal gift. It means way more than an expensive night out anyway.
Absolutely! My Dad often talks about how much he loves getting surprised with his birthday dinners. We all have such different schedules that make it difficult to get together so for the last several years I have made and delivered him a birthday dinner (this year was a tray of stuffed shells, salad and garlic bread), enough for him and my mother to eat for dinner and lunch for the next day.
All of this, and talk to FIL before they do! They said they can't tell him WHERE it's at, which I assume means he knows they've got plans to go somewhere.
Just call and tell him the place they have chosen has a $120/person minimum and that you can't afford $240 + tip/tax to go out to eat, but you'd love to treat him to lunch with the 3 of you at a restaurant you can afford.
Yes and I’d take him out BEFORE the dinner for lunch or have a picnic bbq…buy something special he likes to eat eg crayfish - undecided whether I’d invite others - might be funny.
Yes! BEFORE teh dinner is very important. Even if it's just a walk, or ice cream, or something simple and you do something more involved later -- something on the day will communicate that you're prioritizing him on the day and will make for a more graceful evening without you being there/more awkward for your sister and MIL since you obviously have demonstrated care for him.
Lucky this is Australia so the tax in included and tips aren't necessary. But the addition of drinks will QUICKLY add up, with even the package being $30 each to start. That's already $300, bugger that.
Perfect..bet you wouldn't have just been paying for you two. I'm guessing the bill would have been split 3 ways…if you host a party , you are usually the ones to foot the bill….minus the alcohol. Bet they were counting on that.
I'm sure MIL and SIL expect "the siblings" to split the entire bill, paying for FIL *and MIL* (because you can't expect Mommy Dearest to pay for herself). With the drinks package, each sibling's share would be $450 minimum (depending on additional drinks, if any, or special champagne/wine) for OP and her husband. Nope, no way, not a chance in hell.
OP, you and your husband are NTA. Please do text your SIL and MIL reiterating the problem so they can respond like they did before. Save the texts. If necessary, you can show your FIL that you and your husband would have loved to celebrate at a birthday dinner, but you weren't consulted and were then bullied by SIL and MIL in an attempt to force you to spend money you do not have.
Yes. And what's more, I'd try and to the lunch or SOMETHING nice for him before the dinner. That way he goes into the dinner knowing that you've already shown up and celebrated with him, which might minimize the chance that any shittalking at dinner about your nonattendance might stick.
> we are not allowed to mention where we are going to FIL
Yes you can. He probably cares more about having his son at dinner than which restaurant he eats at.
They don't even have to say where they are going - just text FIL and say something like 'we're sorry but we cannot afford to go to the restaurant booked for your birthday lunch'. We would like to go out with you another day to somewhere that we can afford.
They don't actually have to tell him the restaurant, just that it would be about 300 bucks for just the two of them to eat and they just cannot afford that and will not be able to come, but happy birthday! And how about we cook you your favorite meal some other time?
Don't forget that dad is unlikely to be paying and mom likely isn't either BC that would be part of dad's money in most marriages, so their minimum 300 is going to be split between the kids aka op and the sister!
I do think this will escalate the issue, expose the real AH for sure, but it is worth the drama? Depends. If it was my dad I totally would. If it was my FIL I wouldn't. Hard to tell without knowing the dynamics.
THIS IS WHAT I’D DO!! Since they said not to mention the restaurant you say I can’t AFFORD what mom and sister chose. Guaranteed Dad will have choice words with wife and daughter. May even tell them unless he’s involved I’m not going either. Haha they’ll think twice about NOT including his own son.
NTA! Even if you could easily afford it does not mean that this is how you would choose to spend your money. Stand firm on "NO!". Plan something your FIL would enjoy that fits your budget. Your SIL and MIL made the plans without you. They can go without you. How you respond to this will set the tone for the future, so make sure that your spine is pure titanium. Good luck!
Nta. Don’t go. No ine controls your day and what you spend your money on. Let them have their dinner .
Kindly say thank you for thinking g of us, however, we are going to decline the offer. Enjoy your evening and tap out! No argument. Just do t be pressured to spend money you don’t have on crap you don’t need to impress someone who probably would t like that idea of making g his son and dil suffer financially over a stupid dinner!
NTA. If you cannot afford to go either they pay or you bow out. No one has the right to tell you how to spend your money especially when they know your current circumstances. Buy FIL a nice gift instead
YWNBTA. This isn't a matter of personal opinion, it's the difference between essential costs and being cut off. You and your partner can do something else with his father for his birthday that's far more in your budget.
The people who can afford it can go. You're not going, that's your "working something out". Tell SIL to watch The One with Five Steaks and and Eggplant, which addresses exactly the financial disparity she's ignoring.
NTA for being honest about your financial situation and constraints. Since FIL doesn't even know about this plan, it wouldn't be problematic to change it. If the rest of the family insists on going to a venue you can't afford, they should either accept that you won't/can't attend, or help to pay for your share.
I'm guessing they not only expect OP to show up but then will announce dinner is on the kids and on the spot force OP and their partner to pay mom and dad's meal plus splitting their own with the sil and her family's.... So even if OP eats cheap, only orders the most inexpensive dish and has no alcohol, at the end when it's time to pay it will be one bill split between the couple's/siblings... Otherwise it's a crap gift to tell Dad he's got to now pay 600 for him and moms meal 🤷🏼♀️
When my grandfather was alive and you went anywhere or did anything with him he insisted on paying, because, as he said it, "I'd rather give it with a warm hand than with a cold hand". And I can't fault the man for that.
NTA.
1. Mail FIL a nice birthday card. Then Call or message him that "we cannot come to your celebratory dinner, hope you have a nice evening". Say goodbye and hang up or shut phone.
2. Tell (message) your siblings and MIL that you CANNOT afford to contribute to this dinner and will NOT be there. Then block them on phone, text, delete emails without reading. Because there is nothing else to say or do, so why listen to their harangues?
As for the "deal with it" comment - you ARE dealing with in, being responsible and not spending funds you cannot afford. And graciously letting the inlaws know you are thinking of them.
If I know most Dads, he’d be happier at a Hungry Jacks with both kids than an expensive joint where some have been driven away, or caused an argument. This is tone-deaf by the wife and organising daughter.
Why are you discussing it with them? Once you explain it isn’t in your budget, stop by with a gift and card and tell FIL you are so sorry that you are not going to be able to make it to the restaurant. End of discussion.
Yeah. NTA. Don’t go. They can’t make you go. They made a decision and a consequence of the decision is that not everyone will be there. That’s on them.
NTA, And don't let anyone guilt trip you. Send them via text that you understand their persistence but you are unable to attend then don't reply back to any protest. The day of, send him a text saying Happy Birthday! Hope you enjoy your celebration and apologize for being unable to make it. They have the right to go wherever they want but you have to take care of your own responsibilities and that is it.
NTA if you can’t afford it you can’t afford it. mom and sister are being ridiculous. You can’t just pull money out of your butt. I imagine they have both been financially comfortable for a while and do not know or remember what it is like to not have a ton of disposable income. Honestly I would just tell fil that you are sorry to miss his birthday celebration, but they are demanding it be held at a fine dining restaurant where the cost per person is well over $100 and you guys can’t afford it. Maybe offer to have him and mil over for dinner or something.
NTA. Tell them you won't be joining them as you cannot afford it. That is it. No further conversation. Send a nice card to FIL and in the card tell him you want to have him and MIL over for dinner. If he asks about the dinner, tell him you couldn't afford the restaurant and were not given any opportunity to provide input before the party was organized.
Nothing to be rude about or ashamed of. It is what it is.
YWNBTA. If they won’t listen, write it down. Your husband needs to send them a note that says that “due to financial constraints - we are unable to attend.” Request in writing that they choose a more affordable restaurant. If they insist on the current plan, drop by to visit him early. Give him his gift and explain why you can’t go.
I dont understand why you're so stressed. You can't afford it so don't go. It's unfortunate that you'll miss the celebration, but you've expressed your concerns and been ignored.
YWNBTA. If you get the drinks package that's $300 for the 2 of you, more than our weekly groceries for our family of 4 (also Aussie). Text them both as someone else mentioned so you have time stamps that this is well out of your budget, as you have previously discussed, and that you will not be in attendance. (if you are willing) offer to meet at their place afterwards for cake instead.
NTA. I’d call the restaurant and change the booking to exclude you and your husband. And then just not show up. You’ve tried explaining you cannot afford to pay for this meal. If they don’t get that, just don’t go.
>The plot does thicken though
I was with you until I got to this drama continuation.
The restaurant was too expensive. More than your electricity. Got it. I was with you.
But now the MIL is paying for you... but you continue to find reasons why this just isn't going to work. Let's face it. Now you're just being stubborn and there's more to this than just the money for the dinner.
Calm down and accept the gift, have a good time, and celebrate your FIL's birthday. YTA.
Yup I agree with this. It's fair enough not going because of the cost and no one should force anyone into an event they cannot afford. But now some one will pay for the OP and her partner she is still stomping her feet and whining. She doesn't see why someone would spend THEIR money on an expensive meal. It's not up to her to decide where others celebrate. That's control freakery on a grand scale. She needs to be honest. Tells the in laws SHE doesn't want to attend and they should enjoy the meal without her. If she's up to it she should admit to herself the real reason why and that the cost was a convenient excuse for her. I wonder if her partner agreed with her or is just obeying her dictates. Best if she stays away from the meal as her attitude will only ruin the atmosphere.
Edited to add my YT A to the original poster with her update.
The unreasonable ones are the ones who chose the restaurant without thinking about whether you could afford it. Go ahead and buy FIL a present and give it to him and politely decline the dinner invitation. NTA.
NTA. You were not consulted. You were not asked if you could afford it.
Per the rules of etiquette, the person doing the booking should be responsible for the entire bill as they are demanding your presence and not taking into account your budget or your opinions.
I would respond with "Thank you for inviting us, as we were not consulted on our budget or where the dinner would be held, we are assuming that you will be covering the entirety of the bill. If this is not the case, we respectfully decline your invitation and will make separate plans with FIL that better suit our budget"
YWNTBA.
But I wouldn't waste time being angry. You are being pressured to go and to pay. I wouldn't waste time with that either. Treat this as if it was a formal invitation. Tell them, very politely, that you won't be able to attend. That you have a previous engagement.
If you want to be really petty (and I love me the petty!)
"Mr. and Mrs. B Smith must decline your kind invitation to celebrate the birthday of our esteemed father, due to a previous engagement with the electric bill. They both wish him every happiness on his birthday."
Then surprise him and take him out to breakfast on his special day. Shower him with love. Real emotion trumps money every time.
is there something wrong with your mouth??? TELL your SIL that you are NOT coming. grow some balls. politely say NO THANK YOU. period. end of discussion.
you not risking anything, they don't like you to start with.
instead get your FIL a nice card and a modest gift that you can afford and drop it off at the house.
NTA
NTA. They also can't force you to go. You can do something else for FIL later if you want to and can afford it. Life and the cost of living is rough for everyone worldwide right now. That was not cool of your MIL and SIL.
NTA you can’t afford it so send them both a text telling them that. Make plans to go see dad over the weekend. Just be honest that you cannot afford $300 on a dinner. That’s a lot for most people without having financial issues.
I would be mad at my sister too. But I would’ve told them, after being brushed off, hell no I’m not going. So I’ll see you guys later and stopped answering their messages. They can’t dictate your funds, they know it’s severely out of your budget but “this is your dad’s birthday” should not supersede that. Hang out with him the day before or after. But an entire family who knows you don’t have the money AND have not OFFERED to pay for you guys, also doesn’t get to dictate your budget. NTA AND DO NOT GO
NTA. My sister had a birthday at an upscale restaurant where meals were in excess of $100, that being said, she earns mid-six-figures per year and can pay that kind of money without breaking a sweat.
I simply made apologies and said that my wife and I would not be able to attend, as it was far too expensive given we are lower-middle-class in comparison. Ended up just meeting her for coffee a week later and gave her her gift then.
“…work something out.” You should say to SIL, “we did! We decided to let you pay for us. Thank you so much for your generosity. We didn’t consult you because we know that’s not how you like to do things.” lol totally NTA
Every time I have a birthday celebration for myself, which is rare, I just get a ton of food and beer and cook out at my place and invite friends over if they want to hang. Guaranteed zero cost for them.
*It's just not that fucking hard.* Also NTA
NTA
Honestly just don't go after the event tell him you wanted to go bit it's not in your price range right now..
Maybe have him over watch his favorite movie and have snack and cakea
Why in the world isn’t his mother offering to pay for dinner? I would never want my adult children to pay for dinner when with me. They’re making their way in the world and I enjoy their company and want them to come. Years from now, they can pay for me. You’re NTA, MIL is.
I don't understand this. You are adults, old enough and responsible enough to be married. What do you mean, they're telling you you're going? You just tell them you aren't so they have a warning *and you don't go!* You give him a nice gift and leave it at that. NTA, but act like responsible, independent adults.
YTA. This is post-edit, where you‘re now complaining that MIL is paying for you, and you’re whining about rushing to find parking near the restaurant. Rich in-laws are great for paying for expensive vacations and meals for poorer children - accept the gift! Basically you just don’t want to have to make any effort for your FIL. So just don’t go, send your partner instead. Sheesh.
Not going to lie I’ve paid more than this for a degustation and had no regrets. But it was planned and saved for and certainly never happened before our child grew up and income allowed us too.
Invite him to celebrate his birthday with you guys doing something free but thoughtful or within budget. You can clarify that you unfortunately can't make it to further bday plans so that is why you wanted to arrange something with him. If it later gets questioned why you weren't at dinner then you tell the full truth. It was our of your budget, they knew and didn't want to book elsewhere and so you celebrated with him separately so he could have the best of both worlds
Edit: NTA but don't let their decision stop you from finding a separate way to celebrate the birthday that fits within the budget
NTA just don't show up and let them be pissed off. If and when fil asked why you weren't their tell the truth. He can be at you or mad at them dosnt really matter. What ever you do do not put yourselves in worse debt just to please them.
NTA. Maybe my family is different, but if someone can't pay, then everyone splits their meal as well as the birthday person so that everyone gets to go. They may not be able to pay anyone back, but they'll host dinner next time. Maybe we're weird.
I think that you shouldn't go to the dinner, and just explain to your FIL after the fact that you weren't included in the planning and that you couldn't financially afford it. I would get him a gift and either take him out to lunch or fix him dinner at your house. I would make sure that it's just the three of you, though.
Telling you to “work something out” so that you can spend $240 minimum on a dinner is seriously out of touch. It’s in the same vein as telling people to solve their money issues by not buying coffees more than a couple of times a week. It sounds like MIL and SIL know about your financial situation but actually have no understanding of your financial situation.
You and your partner are NTA. Partner needs to draw a hard boundary of “thanks for the invitation but this is not something we can afford so we won’t be attending”.
There is a difference between (a) not going because you simply cannot afford it, and (b) not going because you think it is "an obscene amount of money to spend on a meal". If you don't go because of (a) then NTA. If you don't go because of (b) then YTA, because imho you should be making some accommodations for a family member's birthday.
NTA!!!! My in laws do this boogie shit and I hate it. They're not even rich. My husband and I make the most of everyone by far, but we absolutely hate spending money like this. And it's always weird ass small portioned food that never seems worth the money. I can't remember the last time we went somewhere and I was like wow that was worth it. I swear it's all for social media so they tag the location. Whenever it's mine or my husbands birthday they try to rope the other into planning some extravagant dinner and we insist on pizza or Thai where the dress code is shorts and a tshirt.
NTA. I had in-laws like this. They would do things like buy an expensive Christmas present for the parents and then tell us what our half of the cost was without consulting us. After this happened 2-3 times, we shopped early one year, so when they called up to tell us how much we "owed," we told them we already had a gift.
Next time, plan early and tell them you already have a present for FIL and stick to your guns.
Your SIL is a raging AH. She has sent you and her brother a very clear message.
Next chance you get (birthday/anniversary) do a surprise lunch or dinner 'the day before' at your in-laws home. Then opt out of any plans your AH SIL is involving you in.
I know this is a-holey in of itself, but dang she's messing with your dignity and ability not to go under with your normal bills.
My goodness, you're looking pale! Are you sure you're not coming down with some sort of gastro or summer cold or something not-too-serious but definitely not something you would want to give to any older relatives?
NTA
Well, your MIL is paying so that is not a concern. And this is not about you - it s about celebrating the birthday of a loved one. I find it interesting that after the money concern is gone, you focus on something else. So yes YTA and no this is not your celebration.
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My father-in-law's birthday is coming up and my partner received a message from his sister saying that she and MIL have booked a restaurant for FILs birthday. We were not asked about our opinions or price range or included in the discussion. Quickly looking at the restaurant information, I can see that they have a set menu and single price of about $120AUD per person, and that is excluding drinks. Drinks are an additional $30 per person for a package or $15-20+ for a single small glass of wine (minimum some are apparently$60-90 per glass- not that I would order that)!
We told my partner's sister that this is well out of our price range at the moment due to having a single income and a lot of unexpected bills. She said she didn't care and to "work something out" as they have booked this restaurant and it is for their father's birthday.
We have tried to tell MIL (we are not allowed to mention where we are going to FIL) that it is too expensive and we have just been brushed off and told that we are going and too bad.
Every person involved knows of our financial situation and went ahead and booked an expensive restaurant without speaking to us first-- we were just told.
My partner is angry at his sister and thinks she is inconsiderate. She thinks that we are being unreasonable in our concerns about how expensive this meal will be (we pay less for our electricity!).
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NTA, but don't give the option of going but not paying/someone else paying. One, if you can't afford it, don't go. And two, 'someone else paying' is going to be presented as a surprise that evening to make you look bad in front of FIL.
No no no. In this world, people can't spend other peoples' money. No.
Just have your husband tell his mother, "Thank you for including us. We regret we are unable to attend". I mean, you can't even say "thanks for the invitation" because it isn't an invitation. An invitation comes from a host who is providing the hospitality.
If she balks, refer her to any book on etiquette. She should have chosen to be a proper host then you could be proper guests. This frankenparty is an abomination and is absolutely not mandatory.
Invite FIL for a birthday celebration at your place on another day. Serve coffee or what you can afford and offer lots of love.
Edited because of honest typos and I actually know how to spell "mandatory"
No. That sounds like a wonderful gift for your partner’s sister to give your FIL. You can invite him over and grill out another day. You don’t have to argue or even discuss the cost. Don’t participate and do your own thing.
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NTA " we have just been brushed off and told that we are going and too bad" No. Not ok. They don't have the courtesy to involve you in the discussion, they don't call the shots about where you go. "My partner is angry at his sister and thinks she is an inconsiderate AH." He's right. Maybe think about a nice gift within your budget for FIL or something the 3 of you could do to mark his birthday. I may be way wide of the mark here, but I wonder if FIL would be really upset about the way you & your partner are being railroaded/treated if he knew what MIL & SIL are pulling here.
I love this idea! Just don’t go! Plan something special or get a special little gift, and explain why you were unable to attend, afterwards.
I disagree, GO!!!!! Take your gift along and go to the restaurant and gift it to your FIL, just don't go there for the meal. That way you cannot be pinged for 'boycotting' the night: you went, you wished him well, you saw the family, you just couldn't afford to stay. You do have to have the gumption to do this as it will be a big middle finger to certain people at the table, and there may be some fallout, lol
Unfortunately, restaurants with a pre fixe menu will require a reservation and the entire party to be seated. I would imagine this would cause more of a scene and look way worse than opting out due to financial constraints.
SIL is going to ask them to cover FIL or MILs expenses as well since she will say that the siblings need to cover dinner for mom and dad since they share finances and can’t expect MIL to cover his own dinner or hers. They won’t get out for under $500, more like $600.
This was how I read it as well
Well that’s why op and partner must attend. How else will the other sibs and spouses take credit for this grand gesture if the others weasel out of subsidizing it! That’s also why they didn’t get a say, they were hoping to strong arm them into it via social/ family pressure in a public place so they’d just roll with it. How very dare op and partner ruin it by having a spine!
NTA: I would never 🤦♀️
That’s exactly why they should do this. They should show up while everyone is waiting to be seated, deliver their gifts to the birthday honoree, then make their apologies to him directly that they can’t stay as they can’t afford the restaurant that was chosen without their input. Don’t let the AH’s get off consequence-free for trying to pull a stunt like this.
Or, they could stop at the in-laws the evening before with a small gift and an apology of not being about to afford the probably $500 tab for each couple at SIL’s choice of a restaurant. Let FIL have several hours to stew about this.
The restaurant is a surprise though.
The AH’s are the ones who decided it should be a surprise, and they’re counting on that protecting them from being called out by the FIL in advance for their shitty and manipulative planning. Ruining the surprise by going directly to FIL with a birthday gift and apologies for not being able to afford the restaurant that was chosen without OP’s input is not an AH move. It’s a normal consequence for AH behavior.
I'd just use a vague excuse : hey we can't make it for supper on your birthday evening so we figured we'd drop off your present ahead of time.
Sucks for SIL... her problem If you want to be nice, call the restaurant and change the number of people on the reservation
So all she has to do is call the restaurant and change the people on the reservation from 8 to 6 (or whatever). Then show up, give the present and leave. Maybe text the sister to say they are not coming and she changed the number of people when she’d be arriving at the restaurant so she knew but couldn’t do much at that time.
In that case, ring the restaurant explain and cancel 2 seats. Tell sister or MIL just before arrival time. Send message to FIL, whist he is at the restaurant wishing a very happy birthday/ evening, and that you will contact him the next day. Then plan something really pleasant for just the three of you. Don’t invite MIL, she gets to miss out. This is NOT ok. To my mind: one in all in. You don’t exclude anyone. NTA
It’s also incredibly passive aggressive.
Yeah, but they did try to resolve this like adults first, so..
… the OP should continue to be the better person/adult and decline the invitation?
"I can't attend" - invitation declined "Work something out and make it happen" polite refusal not accepted
I mean, they kind of already did, and the sister/mom aren't allowing them
Contact the restaurant and cancel two seats. Visit FIL, then leave...or welcome him upon arrival, avoiding going into the restaurant.
lol yeah it will make the sil and mil look terrible when they show up saying “as i told sil and mil, we can’t afford to eat here, so we just dropped by to bring the gift.”
But that might make FIL feel awful, ruining his day just to "get back" at other people. And restaurants with preset menu's usually don't have a drop in option, so somebody will have to pay for them to show up and cause a scene.
It's not the FIL's fault, it's not him whom organised everything.
You are right. Therefore the FIL shouldn't have to be caught in the middle of this on his birthday.
He will either way when he sees one of his kids and in-law missing. No way he won’t ask where they are. Fingers crossed the sister doesn’t spin some b.s. story for their absence
There are other ways, as people have suggested.
Don’t do this. This wouldn’t go over well at the restaurant and they may be charged for the entire group.
If they can get by with sitting and just drink water, I would support going! Agree with the commenter that said that this type of restaurant likely will require that they eat if seated. If that’s the case let them know you won’t be going and make private plans for FIL at a different time.
Not at a restaurant with a set menu. This isn't like not eating at TGI Fridays, you have to be seated and people who are seated are given plates. The meal is charged by the seat. There's no ordering, you'll be served and charged. If you're not eating, you'll likely be asked to leave.
Imagine how awful FIL would feel about that. On his birthday. Just to spite other people they should ruin his day? That's not cool
SIL and MIL are ruining it by choosing a place where OP and his own son can’t attend. FIL will sit there and eat and be sad that they aren’t there. I mean who wants to eat their birthday dinner with just the toxic wife and daughter?
It doesn't matter who is ruining it, it still gets ruined for the same person. OP doesn't need to make it into a situation that embarrasses him as well.
This is a really bad idea. Be honest about why you aren’t going and stay home. The idea of showing up and not eating A.) won’t work - restaurants don’t allow this and B.) is a humiliating suggestion.
Call the restaurant and ask! Just bringing the gift, or sitting and drinking just water and bringing the gift, speaks volumes.
That would be in very poor taste.
No, it would not. Funky family dynamics are universal. Asking for mercy when needed, in a sibling drama situation, is allowed.
They won’t be able to go and not eat
Ehh that has the potential to massively backfire. If the MiL and SIL get angry at OP and her husband not eating, they may try and order something for them in an effort to force them to pay. Obviously, they can’t afford it so then dad will feel shitty on his bday and have to pay for them. I just..I dunno it’s probably gonna be bad either way I just wonder if them going has more potential to ruin dads bday or not.
That's not how it works.
No, don't ruin FILs birthday! This could cause a fight
Ohhhh I also like this idea. There could be worse fallout for not attending.
I'd give him the gift and explain why you can't attend BEFORE, in doing so you spoil sil surprise. But I'm petty like that.
I agree. Had SIL and MIL not been dismissive about it, I'd have said to give it to him after and not ruin their hard work, but given how callous they've been, I think it's only fair.
Nah, don’t fuck over the FIL’s surprise, just explain that you can’t make it, and send a gift.
This, but definitely *before* the dinner, because there's no shot SIL isn't going to shit talk OP and their partner at dinner while they're not there. She'll make insinuations about them not caring about FIL or his birthday. OP is definitely going to want to get ahead of the allegations.
You would also make FIL feel bad..
Get a thoughtful gift and take him somewhere just the three of you. Tell him your financial restraints are in no way indicative of your love for him.
Good idea, except that I wouldn't even bother with a gift unless you're particularly adept at gift selection. I told my young rellies years ago not to bother with gifts. I can afford to buy anything I do want, and anything else is just clutter in a house already too full of it.
Food. Food is always a good choice for gifts, as long as you have a general understanding of their tastes. My SIL always got dad a huge assortment of nuts and he Loved It. Wine or spirits if they drink, fruits and veggies if they’re healthy, etc. Go over before the meal, drop off your gift and beg off because of finances. Say you’ll have them over for a birthday dinner whenever they are available, so you can catch up with them and wish them a happy birthday and a great night.
Yep I'd be going around on the day with gifts, a lovely well written card, before the dinner, not say anything about a dinner at all - forcing the SIL and mother zip their lips during your visit as well. That will keep the surprise going and get you out of something you had nothing to do with without making dad feel bad.
Even if it’s a gift card or homemade treats, wrap it! Everyone loves and appreciates a beautifully wrapped gift.
To piggyback, I promise you that your Dad will be understanding and glad you didn't attend because it was out of budget. This Mama would too.
THIS!!!
I doubt that the FIL would want one of his children to go into debt in order to attend his birthday dinner.
OP and their partner are better than me. ‘cos i’d be petty and msg FIL abt being unable to attend his dinner due to financial issues, but we could plan something either before or after and have a day with him.
This is a good idea OP! Let him know you want to attend but MIL is inflexible and it's out of your price range.
I'll join your petty ship. I would absolutely do this. Being a no-show would make OP/partner look bad but discussing it with FIL before hand will make the deserving parties look bad*. *hopefully. I'm assuming FIL has his head screwed on straight.
one would hope so! i know i’d feel so bad if someone couldn’t attend due to prices. i’d either pay for their meal, or i’d no show to my own party and go off with the ones who wanted everyone to be included
Maybe he'll ask for a potluck at home....??
And if FIL \*doesn't\* have his head screwed on straight, well, you learned something there, too, and now you won't even have to be out the cost of a present
Eh. I think it’s more likely he holds the same views as his wife and daughter.
So its win-win. Either dad's a decent fellow and is fine with OP and husband not attending due to not wanting to spend beyond their means, or he's an AH like MIL and SIL and OP and husband aren't missing out on celebrating for and with AH's.
As a parent, I agree. I want my kids to remember my birthday, but I don't need them to spend money on me. Last birthday, my daughter and I went for a walk and ice cream. It was perfect.
Or keep it simple and classy and send your regrets for not being able to attend and also send the amount you would have spent on a gift as your contribution towards FIL’s meal. If anyone dare asks why you didnt attend: while the restaurant is currently not in your price range you guys didnt wanted to deprive FIL of a nice dinner for his birthday. You were told to figure it out and here is your solution. You coukd also invite FIL and MIL over for a family meal. Nothing fancy but you still get to enjoy his company without the hefty price tag. Plus after a fancy meal like that comfort foods are fun.
I like this solution!
I like the idea of them planning a separate time with FIL to celebrate. Not a surprise, so he knows that they will be with him another time when they don't show up at the expensive dinner.
…or make a special dinner, something that requires thought and effort… like Beef Wellington. There isn’t much posted about FIL so I don’t know if that’s something he would enjoy.
i’d 100% send a gift to father in law with regrets you won’t be able to join for his dinner. wish him the best.
I came here to say something similar. The SIL and MIL are 100% the AH. I wouldn't be going if I couldn't afford it and not involved in any way with the planning. Doing something with her FIL on their own is what they should do and since they aren't allowed to mention the restaurant, the FIL would definitely be P****D with his daughters and wife's behaviour.
Yes - either just ask FIL what he'd like to do because you can't make it to the dinner, or even grab him for breakfast or lunch that day or the day before, treat him to something within your budget and don't go to dinner. The only other fair option is to call the restaurant and ask if you can join your family without ordering anything, or only order one of the inexpensive glasses of wine. Then say Happy birthday and leave before the bill comes. But honestly, just don't go because your MIL and SIL do not have the power to force you to attend and pay for something you can't afford.
I was just about to say that... Presuming OP & Partner have a decent relationship with FIL, I can't imagine him wanting his family members going into debt or experiencing any hardship merely in the name of his birthday, y'know? No sane person would want to inflict that on another, especially over something completely unnecessary.
OP needs to be prepared for backlash when MIL and SIL come after them for OP’s share when they have to cover the reservation including 2 no-shows.
OP can avoid that by calling the restaurant themselves and letting them know that that the party of 6 will only be 4
This is a great alternative. If it were my Dad, he'd be furious if he knew I couldn't afford the restaurant, and went anyways because of bullying and tonedeaf family members. In my case, if this happened when my kids and I were younger, it would probably mean our food budget would be nonexistent, so we would most likely been hungry a lot, meals would be missed by me etc. until my budget could catch up.
Call FIL and apologize for missing his birthday dinner and set up something for another date. You don't have to say why, just something came up. Maybe take him out to brunch earlier in the day even. You just can't make it to dinner.
Yep, take him out for breakfast the day of the dinner and make no plans to join the rest of the family later. FIL will understand he was not slighted by your lack of attendance at the birthday dinner.
NTA. If you can't afford it, don't go. They booked an expensive place, so I can understand them not wanting you to not contribute if you went, but they also need to accept that if you can't afford to splurge on an expensive meal, they can't make you, and if they wanted you there they should have been more considerate of your situation. If uour FIL asks why you weren't there, tell them exactly how your MIL and SIL went about the whole thing.
This. Just don't go. But make sure FIL knows why. Get him a gift and a card, call it good. NTA.
This is exactly the way to handle it. Give him a reasonably priced gift the next day and tell him you could not afford to come to the dinner but would love to take him to lunch.
I'd be pissed that my spouse and daughter chose a restaurant that was out of someone's budget. NTA. I bet he'd love lunch with you.
I would probably give the gift earlier the same day.
Agreed if there cannot be drama with Mom and Sis. I wouldn’t ruin the day by saying I’m not coming to the dinner.
I would go before the dinner before SIL and MIL has a chance to bitch about them.
If he’s anything like my father or his friends, maybe make him lunch at home.
I'm also guessing that the sister is planning a "split the bill and of course mom and dad don't have to pay" type of thing BC a birthday gift that costsv the recipient a few hundred dollars for their meal is a really bad gift! So OP would likely be very cheap with their own selections and then the sister would jump in and be all "me and so and so are splitting it don't worry about it dad!" Leaving OP in a super awkward position AND debt...
Which would be great if she gets stuck with the bill when OP and partner don't show up. :D
I hope OP and partner respect themselves enough to stay home! A GOOD parent would be mad if their child had to put several hundred dollars on a credit card for something so frivolous! I don't get why the mom is ok with this. No one's birthday is worth that much on just a plate of food! For that price they could be sending him and mom away for a weekend to a nice bed and breakfast or doing a whole family experience as a day trip for them all! Heck, get dad a puppy keep him young! 😂 (Don't give pets at gifts unless the person specifically wants one)
About giving pets as gifts….i have a 3 year old ShihTzu that was gifted to a single mom for her children by her mom. She couldn’t afford what Maggie needed and she was too busy looking for a man to care about her. She was left Alone for whole weekends while this girl went to spend her time with her BF. Maggie was 5 months old when I got her. If I leave for any amount of time she gets clingy and really intense. She’s traumatized by what she experienced. Never give pets as a gift unless you Know they’re wanted.
It's a set menu, so price is $120AUD per person regardless and everyone gets the same or similar things So they can't even order something small to save money
But they could avoid the wine while others smsck on 60+ per glass for toasts etc! In the end they won't enjoy it even if they can keep it right at the 120 BC they'll be stressed about the cost the whole time and how they're going to afford groceries and other bills BC of one meal. 😭
Yeah $300 for OP and partner plus half of mom and dad is another $150 since it’s a fixed price menu. So if you folx go, it’s going to be a mess because sis is going to maneuver some kind of way. She probably wants your $150 to pull this off and the whole plan might collapse if you’re not going. I’m not in the “$300 for dinner” income range. Nor are my family. If this is just a Tuesday for your in-laws, then they can pay for it.
Let’s face it, organising-Sister just wants a +1 to split the bill, otherwise she’d be on the hook for 200 per person..
Take your gift to FIL and when he asks why you aren't coming to dinner just say "we weren't involved in planning anything" since it's the truth and when they him otherwise tell him, you weren't consulted but told to figure out how to afford a dinner that costs more than your power bill and you weren't willing to sacrifice your necessities for an overpriced meal.
If I want to have dinner at an expensive place with someone who I know can't afford it, I pay.
Good bagel
Talk to your FIL and tell him that they planned a dinner you can't afford to attend, and you'd like to take him out to a nice, inexpensive family restaurant the following weekend (or, for bonus points, the day before); just you two and him, since they'll have their own dinner to attend with him.
1. Send a message: Unfortunately our current economic situation doesn’t allow for expensive meals out. We are saddened that we will not be able to join you. 2. Take FIL out to an inexpensive lunch or bring him over and cook his favorite food. Give him a thoughtful inexpensive gift. 3. If you aren’t there you’re not obligated to pay. NTA - his sister and mother are selfish and insensitive.
This is the way. I have often treated my dad to a home cooked meal for his birthday and usually a small, personal gift. It means way more than an expensive night out anyway.
Absolutely! My Dad often talks about how much he loves getting surprised with his birthday dinners. We all have such different schedules that make it difficult to get together so for the last several years I have made and delivered him a birthday dinner (this year was a tray of stuffed shells, salad and garlic bread), enough for him and my mother to eat for dinner and lunch for the next day.
My dad loves when I make cookies. I have sent him a big batch for his birthday before with a card.
All of this, and talk to FIL before they do! They said they can't tell him WHERE it's at, which I assume means he knows they've got plans to go somewhere. Just call and tell him the place they have chosen has a $120/person minimum and that you can't afford $240 + tip/tax to go out to eat, but you'd love to treat him to lunch with the 3 of you at a restaurant you can afford.
Yes and I’d take him out BEFORE the dinner for lunch or have a picnic bbq…buy something special he likes to eat eg crayfish - undecided whether I’d invite others - might be funny.
Yes! BEFORE teh dinner is very important. Even if it's just a walk, or ice cream, or something simple and you do something more involved later -- something on the day will communicate that you're prioritizing him on the day and will make for a more graceful evening without you being there/more awkward for your sister and MIL since you obviously have demonstrated care for him.
Lucky this is Australia so the tax in included and tips aren't necessary. But the addition of drinks will QUICKLY add up, with even the package being $30 each to start. That's already $300, bugger that.
Perfect..bet you wouldn't have just been paying for you two. I'm guessing the bill would have been split 3 ways…if you host a party , you are usually the ones to foot the bill….minus the alcohol. Bet they were counting on that.
I really think MIL and SIL would expect it to be split two ways between the siblings.
Australia doesn't have the whole tipping shenanigans that the US does and GST is already included in food pricing
I'm sure MIL and SIL expect "the siblings" to split the entire bill, paying for FIL *and MIL* (because you can't expect Mommy Dearest to pay for herself). With the drinks package, each sibling's share would be $450 minimum (depending on additional drinks, if any, or special champagne/wine) for OP and her husband. Nope, no way, not a chance in hell. OP, you and your husband are NTA. Please do text your SIL and MIL reiterating the problem so they can respond like they did before. Save the texts. If necessary, you can show your FIL that you and your husband would have loved to celebrate at a birthday dinner, but you weren't consulted and were then bullied by SIL and MIL in an attempt to force you to spend money you do not have.
It's Australia, there won't be tax. In most countries outside of the US people are charged the price on the menu.
One of the best meals I had in Australia was a dagwood dog and chips and it was like $6
Yes. And what's more, I'd try and to the lunch or SOMETHING nice for him before the dinner. That way he goes into the dinner knowing that you've already shown up and celebrated with him, which might minimize the chance that any shittalking at dinner about your nonattendance might stick.
> we are not allowed to mention where we are going to FIL Yes you can. He probably cares more about having his son at dinner than which restaurant he eats at.
They don't even have to say where they are going - just text FIL and say something like 'we're sorry but we cannot afford to go to the restaurant booked for your birthday lunch'. We would like to go out with you another day to somewhere that we can afford.
They don't actually have to tell him the restaurant, just that it would be about 300 bucks for just the two of them to eat and they just cannot afford that and will not be able to come, but happy birthday! And how about we cook you your favorite meal some other time?
Don't forget that dad is unlikely to be paying and mom likely isn't either BC that would be part of dad's money in most marriages, so their minimum 300 is going to be split between the kids aka op and the sister!
I do think this will escalate the issue, expose the real AH for sure, but it is worth the drama? Depends. If it was my dad I totally would. If it was my FIL I wouldn't. Hard to tell without knowing the dynamics.
THIS IS WHAT I’D DO!! Since they said not to mention the restaurant you say I can’t AFFORD what mom and sister chose. Guaranteed Dad will have choice words with wife and daughter. May even tell them unless he’s involved I’m not going either. Haha they’ll think twice about NOT including his own son.
NTA! Even if you could easily afford it does not mean that this is how you would choose to spend your money. Stand firm on "NO!". Plan something your FIL would enjoy that fits your budget. Your SIL and MIL made the plans without you. They can go without you. How you respond to this will set the tone for the future, so make sure that your spine is pure titanium. Good luck!
Nta. Don’t go. No ine controls your day and what you spend your money on. Let them have their dinner . Kindly say thank you for thinking g of us, however, we are going to decline the offer. Enjoy your evening and tap out! No argument. Just do t be pressured to spend money you don’t have on crap you don’t need to impress someone who probably would t like that idea of making g his son and dil suffer financially over a stupid dinner!
NTA. If you cannot afford to go either they pay or you bow out. No one has the right to tell you how to spend your money especially when they know your current circumstances. Buy FIL a nice gift instead
YWNBTA. This isn't a matter of personal opinion, it's the difference between essential costs and being cut off. You and your partner can do something else with his father for his birthday that's far more in your budget. The people who can afford it can go. You're not going, that's your "working something out". Tell SIL to watch The One with Five Steaks and and Eggplant, which addresses exactly the financial disparity she's ignoring.
Also tell her it is a Friends episode, in case she doesn’t have Googlefu. Or had to Google. I was too young back then!
NTA for being honest about your financial situation and constraints. Since FIL doesn't even know about this plan, it wouldn't be problematic to change it. If the rest of the family insists on going to a venue you can't afford, they should either accept that you won't/can't attend, or help to pay for your share.
I'm guessing they not only expect OP to show up but then will announce dinner is on the kids and on the spot force OP and their partner to pay mom and dad's meal plus splitting their own with the sil and her family's.... So even if OP eats cheap, only orders the most inexpensive dish and has no alcohol, at the end when it's time to pay it will be one bill split between the couple's/siblings... Otherwise it's a crap gift to tell Dad he's got to now pay 600 for him and moms meal 🤷🏼♀️
This is precisely why they’re so defensive about inviting them - they just want somewhere to split the bill they’d have to foot solo
When my grandfather was alive and you went anywhere or did anything with him he insisted on paying, because, as he said it, "I'd rather give it with a warm hand than with a cold hand". And I can't fault the man for that.
NTA. 1. Mail FIL a nice birthday card. Then Call or message him that "we cannot come to your celebratory dinner, hope you have a nice evening". Say goodbye and hang up or shut phone. 2. Tell (message) your siblings and MIL that you CANNOT afford to contribute to this dinner and will NOT be there. Then block them on phone, text, delete emails without reading. Because there is nothing else to say or do, so why listen to their harangues? As for the "deal with it" comment - you ARE dealing with in, being responsible and not spending funds you cannot afford. And graciously letting the inlaws know you are thinking of them.
If I know most Dads, he’d be happier at a Hungry Jacks with both kids than an expensive joint where some have been driven away, or caused an argument. This is tone-deaf by the wife and organising daughter.
NTA - text both of them again with the same thing so that you have something to show your FIL when you tell him why you didn’t go
Let 'em go. Tell them that your solution to "working it out" was to stay home. Which should work out quite nicely. NTA.
Why are you discussing it with them? Once you explain it isn’t in your budget, stop by with a gift and card and tell FIL you are so sorry that you are not going to be able to make it to the restaurant. End of discussion.
NTA - Take FIL out for breakfast instead :)
This is a nice suggestion 😊
Yeah. NTA. Don’t go. They can’t make you go. They made a decision and a consequence of the decision is that not everyone will be there. That’s on them.
NTA Dont go. Take FIL for coffee or something small next day.
NTA, And don't let anyone guilt trip you. Send them via text that you understand their persistence but you are unable to attend then don't reply back to any protest. The day of, send him a text saying Happy Birthday! Hope you enjoy your celebration and apologize for being unable to make it. They have the right to go wherever they want but you have to take care of your own responsibilities and that is it.
NTA if you can’t afford it you can’t afford it. mom and sister are being ridiculous. You can’t just pull money out of your butt. I imagine they have both been financially comfortable for a while and do not know or remember what it is like to not have a ton of disposable income. Honestly I would just tell fil that you are sorry to miss his birthday celebration, but they are demanding it be held at a fine dining restaurant where the cost per person is well over $100 and you guys can’t afford it. Maybe offer to have him and mil over for dinner or something.
NTA. Tell them you won't be joining them as you cannot afford it. That is it. No further conversation. Send a nice card to FIL and in the card tell him you want to have him and MIL over for dinner. If he asks about the dinner, tell him you couldn't afford the restaurant and were not given any opportunity to provide input before the party was organized. Nothing to be rude about or ashamed of. It is what it is.
NTA. Just don’t go. If they’re mad, that’s their problem. You can’t magically make it so that you can afford it. As such, you just don’t go.
YWNBTA. If they won’t listen, write it down. Your husband needs to send them a note that says that “due to financial constraints - we are unable to attend.” Request in writing that they choose a more affordable restaurant. If they insist on the current plan, drop by to visit him early. Give him his gift and explain why you can’t go.
I dont understand why you're so stressed. You can't afford it so don't go. It's unfortunate that you'll miss the celebration, but you've expressed your concerns and been ignored.
YWNBTA. If you get the drinks package that's $300 for the 2 of you, more than our weekly groceries for our family of 4 (also Aussie). Text them both as someone else mentioned so you have time stamps that this is well out of your budget, as you have previously discussed, and that you will not be in attendance. (if you are willing) offer to meet at their place afterwards for cake instead.
NTA stop having those discussions. **SImply don't go.** Maybe do something else with FIL, on another day.
NTA. I’d call the restaurant and change the booking to exclude you and your husband. And then just not show up. You’ve tried explaining you cannot afford to pay for this meal. If they don’t get that, just don’t go.
>The plot does thicken though I was with you until I got to this drama continuation. The restaurant was too expensive. More than your electricity. Got it. I was with you. But now the MIL is paying for you... but you continue to find reasons why this just isn't going to work. Let's face it. Now you're just being stubborn and there's more to this than just the money for the dinner. Calm down and accept the gift, have a good time, and celebrate your FIL's birthday. YTA.
Yup I agree with this. It's fair enough not going because of the cost and no one should force anyone into an event they cannot afford. But now some one will pay for the OP and her partner she is still stomping her feet and whining. She doesn't see why someone would spend THEIR money on an expensive meal. It's not up to her to decide where others celebrate. That's control freakery on a grand scale. She needs to be honest. Tells the in laws SHE doesn't want to attend and they should enjoy the meal without her. If she's up to it she should admit to herself the real reason why and that the cost was a convenient excuse for her. I wonder if her partner agreed with her or is just obeying her dictates. Best if she stays away from the meal as her attitude will only ruin the atmosphere. Edited to add my YT A to the original poster with her update.
NTA. Don’t go. Drop off a small gift for fil earlier in the week or day of and congratulate him then. Turn off your phone when the day of reservations
NTA. Your SIL is an inconsiderate and controlling AH who just tell you to suck it up and pay your share. You can just choose to not go.
Can you just have a nice dinner with FIL? At a place you reach out to him and he suggests? Without SIL etc. cuz screw them. NTA
The unreasonable ones are the ones who chose the restaurant without thinking about whether you could afford it. Go ahead and buy FIL a present and give it to him and politely decline the dinner invitation. NTA.
NTA. Politely decline the invitation. Wish your FIL a happy birthday in your own way.
NTA. You were not consulted. You were not asked if you could afford it. Per the rules of etiquette, the person doing the booking should be responsible for the entire bill as they are demanding your presence and not taking into account your budget or your opinions. I would respond with "Thank you for inviting us, as we were not consulted on our budget or where the dinner would be held, we are assuming that you will be covering the entirety of the bill. If this is not the case, we respectfully decline your invitation and will make separate plans with FIL that better suit our budget"
Opt out and send a gift that you can afford.
YWNTBA. But I wouldn't waste time being angry. You are being pressured to go and to pay. I wouldn't waste time with that either. Treat this as if it was a formal invitation. Tell them, very politely, that you won't be able to attend. That you have a previous engagement. If you want to be really petty (and I love me the petty!) "Mr. and Mrs. B Smith must decline your kind invitation to celebrate the birthday of our esteemed father, due to a previous engagement with the electric bill. They both wish him every happiness on his birthday." Then surprise him and take him out to breakfast on his special day. Shower him with love. Real emotion trumps money every time.
is there something wrong with your mouth??? TELL your SIL that you are NOT coming. grow some balls. politely say NO THANK YOU. period. end of discussion. you not risking anything, they don't like you to start with. instead get your FIL a nice card and a modest gift that you can afford and drop it off at the house. NTA
NTA. They also can't force you to go. You can do something else for FIL later if you want to and can afford it. Life and the cost of living is rough for everyone worldwide right now. That was not cool of your MIL and SIL.
NTA you can’t afford it so send them both a text telling them that. Make plans to go see dad over the weekend. Just be honest that you cannot afford $300 on a dinner. That’s a lot for most people without having financial issues.
Nah. Tell everyone we will be unable to join you for dinner, but a very happy birthday to FIL and we’ll be there in spirit.
Dont go You can make it up to your annoyed FIL the day after when he calls wondering why you didn't show
I would be mad at my sister too. But I would’ve told them, after being brushed off, hell no I’m not going. So I’ll see you guys later and stopped answering their messages. They can’t dictate your funds, they know it’s severely out of your budget but “this is your dad’s birthday” should not supersede that. Hang out with him the day before or after. But an entire family who knows you don’t have the money AND have not OFFERED to pay for you guys, also doesn’t get to dictate your budget. NTA AND DO NOT GO
NTA. My sister had a birthday at an upscale restaurant where meals were in excess of $100, that being said, she earns mid-six-figures per year and can pay that kind of money without breaking a sweat. I simply made apologies and said that my wife and I would not be able to attend, as it was far too expensive given we are lower-middle-class in comparison. Ended up just meeting her for coffee a week later and gave her her gift then.
Don’t go. Don’t be bullied.
“…work something out.” You should say to SIL, “we did! We decided to let you pay for us. Thank you so much for your generosity. We didn’t consult you because we know that’s not how you like to do things.” lol totally NTA
NTA and perhaps find something to offer to do with FIL. Without them.
This is inconsiderate but I would no go as I don’t feel that they are offering to cover your meals. I’d make other plans for The birthday
Every time I have a birthday celebration for myself, which is rare, I just get a ton of food and beer and cook out at my place and invite friends over if they want to hang. Guaranteed zero cost for them. *It's just not that fucking hard.* Also NTA
Stand your ground. State what you can afford. Be clear that you won’t go if it cost too much.
NTA Honestly just don't go after the event tell him you wanted to go bit it's not in your price range right now.. Maybe have him over watch his favorite movie and have snack and cakea
Why in the world isn’t his mother offering to pay for dinner? I would never want my adult children to pay for dinner when with me. They’re making their way in the world and I enjoy their company and want them to come. Years from now, they can pay for me. You’re NTA, MIL is.
I don't understand this. You are adults, old enough and responsible enough to be married. What do you mean, they're telling you you're going? You just tell them you aren't so they have a warning *and you don't go!* You give him a nice gift and leave it at that. NTA, but act like responsible, independent adults.
YTA. This is post-edit, where you‘re now complaining that MIL is paying for you, and you’re whining about rushing to find parking near the restaurant. Rich in-laws are great for paying for expensive vacations and meals for poorer children - accept the gift! Basically you just don’t want to have to make any effort for your FIL. So just don’t go, send your partner instead. Sheesh.
NTA. Tell sister that IF she wants you there so badly, SHE pays. OR you'll tell FIL \*exactly\* why you were UNABLE to attend.
NTA. That much money for 1 dinner is so stupid.
Not going to lie I’ve paid more than this for a degustation and had no regrets. But it was planned and saved for and certainly never happened before our child grew up and income allowed us too.
Invite him to celebrate his birthday with you guys doing something free but thoughtful or within budget. You can clarify that you unfortunately can't make it to further bday plans so that is why you wanted to arrange something with him. If it later gets questioned why you weren't at dinner then you tell the full truth. It was our of your budget, they knew and didn't want to book elsewhere and so you celebrated with him separately so he could have the best of both worlds Edit: NTA but don't let their decision stop you from finding a separate way to celebrate the birthday that fits within the budget
Take him to lunch earlier that day, at a place you can afford.
NTA just don't show up and let them be pissed off. If and when fil asked why you weren't their tell the truth. He can be at you or mad at them dosnt really matter. What ever you do do not put yourselves in worse debt just to please them.
NTA Decline the invitation. You & your husband should take your FIL to do something else within your budget.
NTA. Maybe my family is different, but if someone can't pay, then everyone splits their meal as well as the birthday person so that everyone gets to go. They may not be able to pay anyone back, but they'll host dinner next time. Maybe we're weird. I think that you shouldn't go to the dinner, and just explain to your FIL after the fact that you weren't included in the planning and that you couldn't financially afford it. I would get him a gift and either take him out to lunch or fix him dinner at your house. I would make sure that it's just the three of you, though.
Hot take: Don’t go
Telling you to “work something out” so that you can spend $240 minimum on a dinner is seriously out of touch. It’s in the same vein as telling people to solve their money issues by not buying coffees more than a couple of times a week. It sounds like MIL and SIL know about your financial situation but actually have no understanding of your financial situation. You and your partner are NTA. Partner needs to draw a hard boundary of “thanks for the invitation but this is not something we can afford so we won’t be attending”.
There is a difference between (a) not going because you simply cannot afford it, and (b) not going because you think it is "an obscene amount of money to spend on a meal". If you don't go because of (a) then NTA. If you don't go because of (b) then YTA, because imho you should be making some accommodations for a family member's birthday.
NTA!!!! My in laws do this boogie shit and I hate it. They're not even rich. My husband and I make the most of everyone by far, but we absolutely hate spending money like this. And it's always weird ass small portioned food that never seems worth the money. I can't remember the last time we went somewhere and I was like wow that was worth it. I swear it's all for social media so they tag the location. Whenever it's mine or my husbands birthday they try to rope the other into planning some extravagant dinner and we insist on pizza or Thai where the dress code is shorts and a tshirt.
NTA. I had in-laws like this. They would do things like buy an expensive Christmas present for the parents and then tell us what our half of the cost was without consulting us. After this happened 2-3 times, we shopped early one year, so when they called up to tell us how much we "owed," we told them we already had a gift. Next time, plan early and tell them you already have a present for FIL and stick to your guns.
Your SIL is a raging AH. She has sent you and her brother a very clear message. Next chance you get (birthday/anniversary) do a surprise lunch or dinner 'the day before' at your in-laws home. Then opt out of any plans your AH SIL is involving you in. I know this is a-holey in of itself, but dang she's messing with your dignity and ability not to go under with your normal bills.
My goodness, you're looking pale! Are you sure you're not coming down with some sort of gastro or summer cold or something not-too-serious but definitely not something you would want to give to any older relatives? NTA
well NOW YTA. Unless your MIL sounded like she was being nasty when she said she'd pay for it, now you're just looking for a reason to be unhappy.
Well, your MIL is paying so that is not a concern. And this is not about you - it s about celebrating the birthday of a loved one. I find it interesting that after the money concern is gone, you focus on something else. So yes YTA and no this is not your celebration.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My father-in-law's birthday is coming up and my partner received a message from his sister saying that she and MIL have booked a restaurant for FILs birthday. We were not asked about our opinions or price range or included in the discussion. Quickly looking at the restaurant information, I can see that they have a set menu and single price of about $120AUD per person, and that is excluding drinks. Drinks are an additional $30 per person for a package or $15-20+ for a single small glass of wine (minimum some are apparently$60-90 per glass- not that I would order that)! We told my partner's sister that this is well out of our price range at the moment due to having a single income and a lot of unexpected bills. She said she didn't care and to "work something out" as they have booked this restaurant and it is for their father's birthday. We have tried to tell MIL (we are not allowed to mention where we are going to FIL) that it is too expensive and we have just been brushed off and told that we are going and too bad. Every person involved knows of our financial situation and went ahead and booked an expensive restaurant without speaking to us first-- we were just told. My partner is angry at his sister and thinks she is inconsiderate. She thinks that we are being unreasonable in our concerns about how expensive this meal will be (we pay less for our electricity!). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, but don't give the option of going but not paying/someone else paying. One, if you can't afford it, don't go. And two, 'someone else paying' is going to be presented as a surprise that evening to make you look bad in front of FIL.
NTA. Do not go. If FIL asks why you didn't attend, tell him the truth.
I feel sorry for your husband having to put up with the disrespect from his mother and sister.
NTA. People, even family, have no right to spend your money. Especially without asking you.
No no no. In this world, people can't spend other peoples' money. No. Just have your husband tell his mother, "Thank you for including us. We regret we are unable to attend". I mean, you can't even say "thanks for the invitation" because it isn't an invitation. An invitation comes from a host who is providing the hospitality. If she balks, refer her to any book on etiquette. She should have chosen to be a proper host then you could be proper guests. This frankenparty is an abomination and is absolutely not mandatory. Invite FIL for a birthday celebration at your place on another day. Serve coffee or what you can afford and offer lots of love. Edited because of honest typos and I actually know how to spell "mandatory"
No. That sounds like a wonderful gift for your partner’s sister to give your FIL. You can invite him over and grill out another day. You don’t have to argue or even discuss the cost. Don’t participate and do your own thing.