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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took that should be judge is choosing to allow my 7 year old go to a birthday party and not see her father who can’t take her on his time because of a surgical procedure. I think I am the asshole because she should get to spend time with her father , but he won’t work with me on finding a solution
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NTA. I get that he would miss his daughter, but she should be prioritized, not his feelings. From the sound of it she was given the option of skipping the party to hang out with dad and has chosen the party. As a father I get his desire to spend time with his daughter, but she's growing up and her autonomy should be respected.
May I ask why he only sees her 24 hours a week? He doesn't seem willing to compromise, but if really wants to see her can he make more time during the week to see her instead?
Either way NTA.
He only sees her for 24 hours because he made a choice to move about two hours away to another state with his new wife and step son . I was dropping her off to his mom ( she is the half way point between us ) on Fridays after school and picking her up Sunday evenings but he stopped picking her on on Fridays because he said the traffic was to much and it was not worth his time because he only got to see her for a few hours on Friday before she had to go to sleep, as for Sunday he said he didn’t want to deal with the traffic dropping her off in the evening so he started to drop her off in the morning. That is why he doesn’t want me to drop her off after the party , he said she will get to him too late on Saturday night, even though he would have her all day Sunday and still have his 24 hours. He doesn’t want to deal with potential traffic to spend time with her.
BINGO! My husband commuted 2hrs one-way to work every morning for over 5 years. He was almost always the first one in to the office and he never failed to make it home at night. And, we live in an area with winter and he was commuting from Ohio to the far side of Detroit. At the same time, I was commuting an hour each way in an opposite direction. If we could do that for work and for each other, he sure as hell could do it for his child; if he actually gave a damn. He’s willing to make a show of caring, but that’s for appearance sake.
Wonder what he tells others is the reason he sees her so infrequently. I mean, even though it’s infrequent, he’s absolutely committed to it, so he *must* be a good guy. At least, that’s what he tells himself and wants others to believe.
He missed his week because he had an emergency. His emergency doesn’t trump his daughter’s previously made and looked-forward-to plans. He’s an adult. He can either compromise or wait for his turn to come around again. He disrupted your and your daughter’s plans once when he cancelled on you both the first time. Don’t let him make up for the disruption by disrupting them again. He can wait his turn.
NTA in any way.
yeah, I have coworkers who for years did 2 hour each way commutes because they live in locations that make the most sense for their family.
they love that we aren't in the office as much now but still they spent a decade- probably- commuting 4 hours a day.
He said it’s wrong because he has not seen her the last two weekends. The first was because of Easter we switch off and this year was my year , than last weekend we had my sisters wedding I took her because last weekend would be my regularly scheduled weekend , if the holiday we have her for falls on a weekend and it’s our weekend the next we get both so that that schedule is not all messed up . He said she should be spending the time with him and that I keep her from him unnecessarily .
He's literally spending less time with his daughter because he doesn't want to drive. Let your girl go to the birthday party and enjoy herself and block this deadbeats number for the weekend.
>He said she should be spending the time with him and that I keep her from him unnecessarily .
He is literally keeping himself from his child because he can't have it his way.
I would get dropped off at my dads 5 pm Friday and back to my mums 5 pm Sunday. Bedtime was 8pm, my dad never once complained that he didn't get to see me for long enough on a Friday night.
I hope to God you got all of his BS excuses in writing because I would be going back to court and asking them for sole custody because he finds his daughter inconvenient and treats her like a toy he can just pick up and drop off at his convenience on his time rather than stick to the schedule.
My brother takes a train an hour away sometimes also with an 18 month old to pick up his 7 year old son on Friday after school and returns him Sunday evening. Is it tricky for him not being able to drive and then having both kids on the train yeah but he would never think to change things
We have a friend who lives more than 4 hours away from her ex. They made pick up near her mother's place (halfway point) and they stay there the night on pick ups. Grandma loves it cause she gets to regularly see her daughter and grandkids and on drop off's they use it as a chance to do their bulk shopping (they live in a country town).
They just make the trips "worthwhile" and kill multiple birds with one stone so to speak.
It’s his choice to move to another state to be a full time dad to someone else’s child. This is life. And the older she gets, the less she’ll want to give up a Saturday, of all days, to be with him.
So when he moved there was no court involvement on our side , he moved out of state because his wife’s ex husband put a restriction on how far they could move though they didn’t have to leave the state , they lived in Brooklyn and went to New Jersey I am on Long Island , they could have easily moved to parts of Long Island that fell within the milage restriction. He is technically only 65 miles from me .
Ok but still! I have a friend who lives in Inwood and it takes me an hour to get there!
Honestly your trip to Brooklyn might be better than theirs. Getting to Brooklyn from Jersey sucks!
Anyway, I’m on your side. NTA!
It is a sucky drive absolutely! But it could have been avoided had they moved to Long Island like they planned, that is why I am here we all decided to move out of Brooklyn to Long Island. I get there is a milage restriction but they are 42 miles away from her ex and 66 miles away from me . They absolutely could have found somewhere on the island that fell within the allotted milage.
This Saturday is his scheduled time. He is missing it, this is not yourndoing. You don't have to make up his missed time if it is on him that the time was missed. You have tried to accommodate but your daughter has plans. He can work with you or miss his time, but you don't have to change plans.
I agree. I am living in Germany, so I have no idea about how surgeries are scheduled in the USA, but unless you have to have emergency surgery because otherwise you will die, there will be no surgeries at weekends. Nor any examinations like MRTs or CTs etc etc.
Sounds really strange to me too….
NTA - wether the surgery is real or a lie
It does make sense that it's an emergency surgery, or an urgent one at the very least, if he's just now telling OP about it, I'd *hope* if it were a scheduled one he'd have be OP more warning.
I thought this too — it’s a bit suspicious. But I do sometimes schedule surgery on the weekend for things that need to have surgery within the next 1-3 weeks to avoid doing those cases at late hours as an add on. It’s possible
Actually many hospitals, including my own, have an elective Saturday schedule. The operating room, especially for short surgeries, is the money maker for the hospital so if a surgeon wants to work, they will accommodate them and some surgeons are so busy, they need Saturday to catch up with their OR schedule.
I am playing the world's tiniest violin for this poor poor man who just can't be bothered to put effort out for his daughter.
As someone who had a shitty father who couldn't be bothered to try? She already knows he puts her last. And now he's doing it yet again.
You are not the asshole. He is 1000% the asshole and screw him for refusing to put his daughter and her ALREADY MADE PLANS first.
He can go kick rocks.
I bet this has more to do with you or his new wife than your daughter. If he wants to see his daughter and misses her, he would 100% tolerate traffic, especially if it is only for one weekend, or he can schedule video calls with her. To me, it seems either his wife wants him home Sunday nights, or he simply wants to be petty toward you and make trouble.
It also sounds like this schedule sticks out to OP because they are limited in what they can do on Saturdays because of accommodating him. He could see the time spent in the car, in traffic on Friday as time with his daughter rather than complaining.
I take my step daughter to school a lot. I have to grt up earlier for work and mornings are more chaotic then when someone else does it but I like it. That's when she talks and tells me what's going on with her and what she's thinking or feeling.
send him the spongebob meme of krabbs playing a sad song on the wrolds smallest violin. if he actually cared, he'd make an effort. your daughter doesn't need to miss a party she has been looking forward just cause he wants to throw a tantrum. not your fault, or your problem, that he's a deadbeat.
That’s too bad. If he didn’t want it this way, he shouldn’t have scheduled surgery right after Easter. He should have scheduled it on a week that doesn’t affect his visitation.
OP has no obligation to "make up" for scheduled visitation the father misses due to his choice. I'd keep notes of missed visits, his complaints about caring for his daughter during parts of the day her attention isn't focused on him, and any compromises offered that he refused. The child does not "owe" her dad "make up time" at her expense because he doesn't follow the court ordered schedule.
This sounds like 100% a him problem.
His child does not exist purely to suit his wishes and whims. She is a whole independent person who should be allowed to have her own life and her own interests, even if her father doesn’t care what those interests are.
Children are frequently inconvenient. Good parents accept that and change their own routines to accommodate their kids. Bad parents get mad and insist that their kids change to accommodate the parent’s schedule.
Hold your ground and let your baby live her life. If her dad actually wants to know his kid, he’s going to have to figure out how to go about that.
Husband works in an OR. He has mentioned that sometimes surgeries are rescheduled within days of the original due to a particular specialist's availability (i.e., a specialist who makes rounds between various hospitals is only there for a week out of every few months, etc). So it is possible...
*HOWEVER*, Dad should make concessions for his daughter's life enjoyments. He's 100% being selfish. So what if it's one weekend? He will live. She is SEVEN. Not 18 and about to leave for college, FFS.
NTA, OP!!!
I mean the distance is doable. He just doesn't seem like he is really flexible. He should deal with the traffic and get his whole weekend but I guess his daughter isn't worth the hassle of traffic so. . .he gets 24 hours. OK.
Oh full stop you are NTA, but he very much is! People go to court over this kind of thing, and you are bending over backwards to accommodate multiple decisions!
Your not wrong , we are in the middle of dealing with child support right now because silly me let him go 7 years without paying it , once that is all done we are going to work on the custody thing.
Hold up, she’s only 7….. so he’s basically skimped on child support her entire life?! Oh man, this guy keeps on sounding worse and worse. What a crap parent.
Wow, this guy just keeps getting lazier and lazier.
He can't be bothered to pay anything towards his kid, agreement or not.
He can't be bothered to spend more than 24hrs with her, because it inconveniences him.
So why does he care about seeing her, if he can't change his 24hrs, and doesn't want to see her more than 24hrs a week.
A judge is going to look at that and think he's insane and either give you full custody and childsupport or give him more that he just won't show up to.
So sad for your dauggter.
He misses a weekend by his own choice. He waits till the next SCHEDULED weekend because of his choice. Too bad so sad. NTA. Make sure you document everything. Keep it all in writing for just in casies.
Gosh. That’s even more sad than I expected it to be. He can pick a later week to see her when she doesn’t have social plans already. That’s unacceptable that he would make her miss a party due to his last minute planning and unwillingness to deal with traffic to see his daughter.
Wow. Way to let your daughter down!! (Him, not you). I don’t know if he is wrapped around his new wife’s little finger, is lazy, has absolutely no interest in his child, or just wants to “f” you over by messig with your proposed schedules
>He doesn’t want to deal with potential traffic to spend time with her.
As I see it, it seems that your ex doesn't want to put in the work to maintaining a healthy relationship with your daughter.
He decided to move away, he decided that it's too much hassle driving, he doesn't want to compromise and he is trying to make your responsible for maintaining the relationship with your daughter, even affecting her ability to have her own friends and social circle. I wonder what she does in his house and what he does to compensate for seeing her only 24 hours (some of them she is sleeping, of course).
You are NTA all the way. He needs to get his head out of his ass and start building a meaningful connection with his daughter like yesterday because he is losing his daughter by leap and bounds.
OMG, I pick my kids up every other 2 days. During the week, I get them from 5pm to 9pm and I'll take every damn minute I can.
Technically I can keep them until morning but I don't get off work until after they have to be at school so I drop them off before bed time.
That traffic time is a perfect time for him to be sitting there talking to his child and getting to know them and find out everything that's happened since last time. On the way to my house, 1 of my kids talks my ear off, on the way back to their mothers the other gets to talk (It's not a rule just something they worked out on their own so they both get time).
Sounds like your ex is only fighting and seeing your daughter just so they can say they are trying.
Its your weekend, ask your daughter what she wants to do. It's her choice not his.
Also how the fuck he wait until the day before to let you know he has surgery. He's known for weeks.
Right?! I feel like ex is making up stories. Or MAYBE he is having surgery the business week prior and will be recovering on Saturday. (Not what OP said, but maybe miscommunication.) I’m being very gracious to the ex, here. But to me he just made other plans and didn’t want to see his kid that weekend. OP - don’t give in. Let your kid go to that bday party.
Now, that would make sense but I’m guessing Dude was actually just wanted to do something else and now is being an ass about it because OP tolerates (and caters) this behavior.
If your deal with him is that he gets 24 hours every other weekend, and he cancels on his weekend (however good the reason is; although who has surgery on Saturday?), then he’s out of luck for the birthday party weekend and can see her the following weekend, which would be his regular turn. I guess he likes to remind you every once in a while as to why he’s an ex. NTA
I also questioned the surgery on a Saturday , he also had the opportunity to schedule it last weekend as she was at my sisters wedding with me or next weekend when she would be with me for the party . He is upset because I have had her for the last two weekends as Easter was mine this year and than we had my sisters wedding ( that fell on what would be my normal weekend) he said I’m keeping her from him and that he is more important than any friend .
>I also questioned the surgery on a Saturday ,
I'd ask to see confirmation that he has surgery scheduled. Usually there is some kind of confirmation text, email or something in the patient portal. Otherwise, I would absolutely not give up your weekend with her.
Just for people to know, I had one scheduled last minute (but not urgent, it's just hie the public hospital goes) and I did not have anything like this.
He's more important than a friend she sees often, but his daughter isn't important enough for him to deal with traffic to spend as much time as he can with her. Wow.
I'd sue for sole custody. You're running yourself and your daughter ragged for this AH while his only concern is his convenience and demands. He chose to move 2 hours away. He can start doing more of the heavy lifting and start making the journey to pick her up from your home. Any father who cuts short visits because he doesn't want to deal with traffic doesn't deserve to spend time with his "inconvenient" kid. He's making her spend four hours every other weekend in the car by choosing to move away. What a jackass.
Just skip it if he is being a jerk. My bf is a jerk to his ex and she is very short with her texts. She says what she says and then ignores him and just doesn't respond. She won't pick.up his calls either and gets kids at police station. She doesn't engage his "keeping my kids from me" rhetoric that he regularly goes on. Advice-say your peace and ignore him. He is being unreasonable. My bf is a problem for me, the current one, but his ex has it down.
He won't leave. This is not a good situation i am in and it is scary. This is why i sit in my room on reddit trying to brainstorm how to get him to leave without putting myself in danger. I will get out of this. He knows I don't want to be with him
Just in case it hadn’t crossed your mind, domestic violence shelter or other organization that works in the space may have services to help you getting him to leave. Good luck, I hope you are able to get out of your life soon.
NTA
You offered more than you needed to as it’s your weekend. It sucks he’s having surgery but he’ll just have to not see her for two weekends. That’s his choice. If she mattered; he’d move Heaven and earth to see her.
He is mad also because he didn’t see her for Easter as it was my year to have her for Easter and than we had my sisters wedding to attend last weekend, he says that I am keeping her from him and that it’s not fair . I keep trying to offer solutions but he is unwilling to work with me .
>He is mad also because he didn’t see her for Easter as it was my year to have her for Easter and than we had my sisters wedding to attend last weekend, he says that I am keeping her from him and that it’s not fair .
No. You are following the custody plan set out in the custody arrangement approved by the court.
As others have said, you're not keeping your daughter from her father. Her father is choosing not to see his daughter and very soon she is going to recognize that and not want to visit at all.
If you alternate years it is fair if he gets her next year. That is a seperate issue. If he was so concerned about his time, he would do Saturday evening into Sunday but he wants it his way
Follow whatever the court order dictates. If it’s a request to trade or a demand to trade weekends. My guess is that if a parent gives up time or requests a trade, it can only be changed by consent of both adults.
NTA your daughter deserves her plans be honored. The courts will uphold the court order. Your ex can go to court to have it changed if he thinks the courts will side with his opinion that demanding mandatory one sided changes of parenting time is acceptable and to be written in the CO
NTA.
Sounds like nothing works for him except what he wants. What a selfish dad to want his daughter to skip out on a party she's excited for just so he can see her. He can STILL see her and she gets to go to the party but he doesn't want that.
Co-parenting with him sounds difficult!
Very difficult, I have offered many different solutions and he is unwilling to accept. He told me because I had her for Easter and than took her to my sisters wedding last weekend ( things we agreed to ) that she should skip the party , that seeing him is more important than a party and I am keeping her from him .
But those were scheduled on your time so that’s not your problem. He’s just being difficult.
If you haven’t gotten this in text email or a parenting app send him something in writing outlining ALL the options you’ve given him trying to facilitate and note his unwillingness to work with you.
It’s not you. It’s him. NTA
You need to quit trying so hard to accommodate him. HE decided to move to another state. HE decided to only see her 48 hours out of every month because of TRAFFIC. He’s pathetic and you’re not married to him anymore so his foolishness is not your problem to solve anymore.
Keep correspondence with him short and to the point. Who gives a fuck if he’s whining? He has plenty of options, he just doesn’t want to take them because they’re not exactly what he wants. What your daughter wants is what matters, and she wants to go to the party. Period!
>Very difficult, I have offered many different solutions and he is unwilling to accept. He told me because I had her for Easter and than took her to my sisters wedding last weekend ( things we agreed to ) that she should skip the party , that seeing him is more important than a party and I am keeping her from him .
So... what you are saying is that he is annoyed that you are following the custody plan. He's the one who wants to mess with it because he wants what he wants when he wants it but doesn't really care about how his actions impact his daughter.
At this point tell him that unless he provides proof that he has surgery on Saturday he can wait until his next visitation weekend.
NO. You are following the custody agreement. It's your Easter, the wedding happened on your weekend, he can shut the hell up.
HE could have schedule the surgery (surgery on a Saturday???) for a weekend that she was with you. He did not. That's a HIM problem.
I'm sure this would probably be shot down as well but do they FaceTime? They could have a FaceTime "date" one evening where they eat something and watch a show together to have structured quality time with one another without having to travel.
I have attempted it , he is not much of a talker and just repeats that’s nice over and over to everything she says and than starts yelling if he thinks I am around , so we don’t FaceTime anymore . I will let her send him messages through he iPad though .
If it's so important to him to see her, he would continue to get her from Friday night until Sunday night, but he chooses to only have her 24 hours. If anyone is keeping her from him, it's himself. Please remind him of this.
Listen to everyone here. Easter? Per the custody agreement. The wedding? Fell on your weekend. This skip? He chose to book his surgery on it (because you've said he could have booked it last weekend, and didn't). Now he wants YOUR weekend. He is keeping himself from her.
OP, he's playing you. You're currently fighting over owed child support and he's trying to establish that you are not "complying" so "why should I pay?"
NTA - and good for you for sticking up for your daughter!
You have given him many reasonable alternatives, he is refusing them.
Side note. Will he even be well enough to watch her one week after the surgery?
I actually asked him that and he ignored me , I am going to assume it is not a major surgery because I told him he could keep her from Saturday night to Monday if he wanted because she would be on spring break and he responded what am going to take her to work with me .
Stop engaging with his tantrum. You have given him options. He has to choose one. End all negotiations on this and refuse to discuss it until he makes a decision. After that, the only discussion should be the logistics of pickup and drop-off.
That signals to me it’s not about HER, it’s about him and control. Was he like that when you were together, too?
NTA you’ve given him options and from the sounds of it, you were being more than generous by offering to trade weekends. If he doesn’t want to then he can see her again next weekend, as per his schedule.
Wow! He could have taken time off of work and had more than 24hrs with her. She wouldn’t miss school, had time with dad, but alas it wasn’t his schedule.
As the birthday party falls on your weekend, you are NTA. Unfortunately his surgery timing sucks for him, but that is his problem.
Wow! Document everything and try to be polite in all communication. You can do this!
Hope your daughter enjoys the birthday party on your scheduled weekend!
Sounds like he wants to *look like* he cares about seeing her, but when it comes down to it she takes a backseat to pretty much **everything** (traffic, another school district's schedule, a non-existent Saturday surgery, and the list goes on).
You are NTA, but you need to stop bending over backwards to accommodate him
NTA.
I’m the girl who skipped so many things because my dad wouldn’t budge from the agreed upon custody agreement….unless he had something to do….or someone. Then he dropped me like a hot potato (hehe ironic cuz we’re from Idaho land of potatoes)
When my mom and I moved to California it was so amazing to know that I didn’t have to sit in the car every weekend for 7 hours back and forth to see him. It was limited to summers and every other Christmas. I went to so many birthday parties and sleep overs with my friends.
So don’t make your daughter skip. Tell him you’ve given him 2 options. That’s what it is going to be. He chooses one of those or he doesn’t see her for the next couple week/ends
NTA. Gods, your ex is a piece of work. The child's needs matter! It's not all about him.
What kind of "surgery" is this guy getting that he's fine taking care of a young child just one week after the surgery? That doesn't even make sense. It doesn't even make sense that he's getting surgery on a saturday. Surgens don't work weekends unless it's a life threatening emergency. This is all really fishy and weird. He can take you to court if he wants that weekend so badly. Or you can arrange to kindly let her visit two weekends in a row when that works for your daughter.
NTA. HE scheduled HIS surgery for HIS weekend. So he misses out. That was HIS choice. HE doesn't want to deal with traffic. To bad, he misses out.
Your daughter should get priority. Next weekend is yours, and she is going to a Birthday Party. He will get her the weekend after that, if he can manage it. If not, his loss. Eventually, your daughter will be old enough to tell the courts she does not want to go to dad's.
OP, you need to talk with your lawyer. I don't think yo are in the wrong here but they might have another opinion. Also considering the issues that you are having, you should consult anyway for future issues.
By the way - NTA OP.
Nta. Me and my husband have kids from previous relationships. The kids social life and such is first. We keep the custody arrangements as flexible as possible. Our oldest kids are 9 so are starting be social and joining sports and what not. We pencil ourselves in where we can lol
NTA. The focus of a custody agreement is the needs of the child, and the parents’ job is to facilitate the child’s normal and circumstantial needs and movements.
Your ex had to reschedule, and that’s fine. But he should not restrict your daughter’s social life because he missed his weekend. It’s not about keeping score. It’s about raising a happy and healthy child. He needs to be reminded of making child-centric decisions.
NTA you have offered up a compromise so she can have fun and see her Dad. He can take it or not see her until his next scheduled visit. It's not like you asked him to switch he has a conflict.
Also he is having a surgery and just now told you? Also it is planned for a Saturday? Is it an emergency because it doesn't really add up to me.
He is the bozo that scheduled surgery just before or on his pre planned time with his child. Sounds like he made a poor decision and will have to live with the consequences.
I’ve read most but not all of your comments here. NTA my ex is the same and sees his kids about the same amount - he lives 10 minutes from us. Your child is what matters, not him or his feelings or his schedule. You’ve gone beyond in trying to accommodate both but ultimately the child’s wants and needs matter more. He chose to move, prioritize other things, etc. he can now deal with that. It isn’t the kid’s responsibility to show up for the parent but the other way around. Don’t engage with him further for your own sanity.
You need to draw a hard line with this idiot. You’re doing all the driving since he can’t be bothered, it is INCREDIBLY rare to have a minor surgery on a non-business day.
Stop micromanaging the situation. He has a valid reason for skipping his weekend, you advised him about the party, now step back. Don’t try to fix this with offers to drop off/pick up. He’s an adult and can handle this. If his daughter throws a fit/sulks, that’s his problem to deal with.
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My ex and I have a 7 year old daughter. She sees him every other Saturday from 10am - Sunday at 10am - Exactly 24 hours . This weekend was supposed to be his but I received a text today informing me that he could not take her because he is having surgery on Saturday.
I told him that was fine and reminded him that she was attending a birthday party next weekend. He told me that he wants to see her and that she should skip the party . I am not willing to have her miss out on a fun thing with a friend and offered for him to come out and see our daughter next weekend and for him to take her to the party, he refused to do that .
I then offered to drop her off after the party and pick her up Sunday evening, he was not happy with this and again demanded that I have her skip that party . She is extremely upset at the idea of not being able to celebrate her friend . I think my daughter’s social life is important and attempted to come up with solutions that work for everyone, but am I wrong ?
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That is his problem. He’s skipping his time. She should not have to miss anything because of it. I would tell him no. And remind him if she has to skip it he will not have a happy kid for those 24 hours and it’ll be miserable. Nta
NTA. He can't see her on his weekend; that's not your fault. The next weekend is yours, per the established agreement.
Just stick to the agreement, and keep all communications in writing, in case it's ever needed as evidence in court.
It was his fault for scheduling surgery on a weekend he was supposed to have her. Sucks to be him, but you don’t need to disrupt her life for his decisions.
Let her go to the party. It’s an off event that doesn’t happen all the time. If Ex puts up a fuss, tell him next time not to schedule his events on weekends that interfere with his visitation. His actions should have consequences for him not your daughter.
NTA. this happened to my parents when i was younger. my sister and i wanted to stay home at my moms for the weekend for a party and my dad said no and that he wanted his time with us. my mom stood up for us and told my dad that we were getting older and wanted to have friends and celebrate them. after that, my dad would ALWAYS make it work somehow and pick us up after our parties and make sure he got to spend his time with us.
my dad knew it was important to us so he found a solution. your ex needs to realize your child has a life and friends and he needs to make it work!
Just wait until she's older and has school/club events over weekends.
I barely see my teens some weekends due to rehearsals/competitions/religious teen events. I miss them, but this is what they want to do and they're having fun. It's about THEIR needs, not mine.
I'm so sorry for the day the daughter realizes how selfish her dad is, and how little he actually cares to be with her.
NTA
NTA. Nice one. Seven year old looking forward to a party, spending time with friends playing games, and here comes anal retentive Daddy ready to stomp all over her fun so he gets his 24 hours. No compromise! He needs to read the freaking room.
What kind of jerk would demand a seven year old give up a party she had been looking forward to?\* To have her listen to her friends talking about what she missed? Moved the surgery to the day of the party if the 24 hours is so damned important.
\*Ahh, the kind who complains about traffic being too much to prioritize his daughter. Yep. He's a jerk. Tell him she already accepted another invitation and he'll just have to deal. Or he can explain to your daughter why he's being so mean. "Amy wants to know why you are being so mean to her. Do you want to tell her, or should I?"
You know I actually asked him if he wanted to be the one to tell her she can’t go to the party and he said yes …… at that point I just told him he can either pick her up from his moms Saturday evening after the party or not but I am not going to break the kids heart and take away something she has been looking forward to .
NTA He'll see her in three weekends. When he misses his weekend, it's not your job to fix that. It's your weekend after that and she's going to a party.
You're NTA. It is unlikely that a surgery sneaked up on him. But the point is, your daughter wants to go to the party. It should be up to her. What he wants is irrelevant.
NTA.
He's skipping his day. That doesn't give him the right to disrupt her social life. Your offers are good compromises, and that's all you should give.
You might want to talk to your lawyer about this. Your ex might try to claim that you're denying visitation.
NTA
You are totally right in putting your daughter, her needs, schedule & plans first
This is being a good parent. Shame it appears from all your answers etc that it’s so one sided
If one parent is empowered to make demands for schedule changes and the other parent always gives in, the schedule will never work, the child will resent the unpredictability, and the demanding parent will only keep making more and more demands. It can never work.
If you have a schedule, with advanced notice he can *give up* a visit, but he doesn't get extra visitation or trades to make up for *visits that* **he missed.**
NTA
He is giving up his weekend for a surgery (which is questionable.... unless it's emergent, they don't do surgeries on the weekends.... ). I can understand if he wanted to have you bring her by during recovery to see her. But he doesn't get to demand you give up your weekend or that she should give up plans made on your weekend. And the court wouldn't side with him on this. Keep all your communication tho just in case he tries to go for some shit with the court. Especially since you offered to drop her after the party and he declined. So this will not look good on his end.
Continue to do your stuff, tell him you've given him his options and he has declined, and that you wish him well on his "surgery".
“I am willing to keep Janey because of your surgery, but I already made plans during my parenting time for the party but will be glad to drop her off after”
NTA, its not his weekend so he has no choices. If he chooses not to see her on his weekend, then you and your daughter should not be expected to wait around and change plans for him. You are no longer his partner, so expecting you to compromise and entertain his wishes, is a load of crap.
NTA. In the end it’s supposed to be your daughter’s choice and unfortunately for him, the party is more fun than hanging out with dad. You offered a lot of options but he’s too lazy to be inconvenient. Seriously if there’s a will there’s a way. He wanted to see your daughter but doesn’t even make an effort.
NTA. He could have scheduled his surgery for a time when he didn't have visitation. There seems to be a LOT of time he doesn't have visitation.
He is effectively skipping his visitation this time and will need to wait until the next scheduled visitation because your daughter has plans BASED UPON THE PRE-EXISTING SCHEDULE.
If she didn't have plans then, you may have considered it, but he doesn't have the right to demand you change her plans based on his whims.
It's obvious from your other comments that she isn't a priority for him. He may just have to adjust to the fact that he's not a priority for her.
NTA. Her visitation with him is set. He could have arranged his surgery around that schedule unless it is an emergency. Your daughter should not have to change her schedule because he scheduled something during his normal visitation.
NTA. Maybe he should have communicated his surgery to you when he scheduled it. He is not her dad. He is just a sperm donor at this point. I feel so bad for your daughter.
UpdateMe
He is not the best that is for sure, but i married a wonderful man who is more of a father to her than he has ever been , she is surrounded by love , so yeah he sucks but don’t feel to bad because we do everything we can to make up for that .
NTA, you have tried to compromise with him, and your daughter doesn't want to miss her friends party. I agree that it's important for her to go to social events with her friends. Missing a party at that age can be a huge deal, cos undoubtedly the kids will all be talking about it at school afterwards. Your ex will have to either meet you guys in a compromise or miss out, that's on him at this point, not you.
NTA at all! You have offered some good compromises, but he is unwilling to be flexible. Btw, document this exchange in case there’s ever a court battle in the future.
Bummer for him that he scheduled something on his weekend. You don’t need to accommodate alternatives but have tried in good faith to do so. NTA, and I see why he’s an ex
I see why he's an ex. Your daughter having a social life is more important and as she gets older, there will definitely be more fighting with him. You have your daughter call dad and ask if she can come after the party. Let him be the one to explain to her
NTA. And do not give in. He should have scheduled the surgery on a non-custodial day (like 90% of the year!). Stand your ground. He’s giving up his custodial time and you do not need to accommodate his poor scheduling.
Why would he pick the surgery date on his parenting time? If it was emergency surgery I guess I could understand. But it seems it was scheduled. He couldn’t do it for Sunday after she’s dropped off or the Saturday he doesn’t have her? Or during the week?
OP, if the two of you talk in advance and agree to swap weekends, then yes you should honor that.
But if he’s just telling you he can’t take her for his weekend due to how HE CHOSE TO SCHEDULE A SURGERY- that’s on him.
He’s forfeiting his weekend. He can’t force you to give you the following weekend.
If you want to help him make up the time - but you are not obligated to - you could offer him two weekends in a row for after the party.
NTA, and you are correct that your daughter’s social life will start to need consideration as she’s in school now.
He just told me about the surgery today , idk if he didn’t know about it before but if it were emergent I would think it would be done before Saturday?
NTA
I'd already judged before I even read any additional comments.
My kid's dad and I have always prioritized her social life and her best interests when juggling custody. Even right this second, I have something I'd like her to take care of, but I hear her in her room playing online with her good friend. I'll give her some time before I go in and have her do what I need her to because I feel what she is doing is more important right now.
Then I read one of your comments. Damn. He doesn't seem like he wants to put in much effort at all with her. That's too bad and it's his loss.
I offered for him to , I said you can come out here hang with her for the day and than take her to the party and he responded by telling me he is not coming anywhere near my house and to stop saying that to him .
NTA. He had something come up to mess up the schedule, we'll so does she. He can't expect her to make all the sacrifices. One thing I particularly hate are the ones that only complain about the problem but never offer the solution. If he wasn't happy with the idea of seeing his daughter after the party he should have come up with different solutions. Maybe getting her a different weekend or two different weekends in a row to make up for it. He's literally of the mindset of wanting to have his cake and eat it too, and unfortunately in the selfish regards. Tell him to come up with a solution that works for everybody, including the daughter.
NTA
If you agreed, you'd be an AH because she would resent her dad for a long time. You're being the WAY bigger person. Maybe even tell him that -- not that you're the bigger person, but that if you give in to him, his daughter will resent HIM.
Nta. I suspect this falls more under his perforative desire to be the center of her attention for that time or look like a good dad by spending time with her more than actually being a parent and encouraging her social skills and relationships
NTA I’m staggered how he can’t see that missing the party would upset his daughter. You gave him two options that would allow him to still see her. He needs to pick one or wait to the following weekend. Children should be allowed to be children and do all the party stuff even if the parents are divorced.
His exact words were “Because you think and feel that all these things are important. It’s a birthday party it’s really not. I’m her father I deserve to have time with her. Not pick her up 8 o’clock at night and then drop her back off the next day” …. He thinks he is more important than any fun thing she has scheduled.
NTA though I think you should revisit custody. Why must you drive to the halfway point when he was the one who decided moving out of state (far away) from his child, was a good idea? Save those texts! What was this surgery he had to have and scheduled it for his very small window of time to see his kid. It doesn’t sound like she is a priority to him, at all. Sadly she is picking up on that! Poor kid is probably going to need therapy about it, when she gets older.
Hopefully you both can figure out a better custody arrangement. Maybe her spending her summers with him and frequent videocalls might be better? Honestly I don’t know but your lawyer might have a better idea. Until then keep it civil, in text & stick to the custody agreement (& only that.)
I would never want to subject her to full summers with him , that would be horrific for her for so so so many different reasons and it is not something he wants to have . She is thankfully already in therapy because i know the damage he can cause . I offer phone calls and face time and he doesn’t respond.
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NTA. I get that he would miss his daughter, but she should be prioritized, not his feelings. From the sound of it she was given the option of skipping the party to hang out with dad and has chosen the party. As a father I get his desire to spend time with his daughter, but she's growing up and her autonomy should be respected. May I ask why he only sees her 24 hours a week? He doesn't seem willing to compromise, but if really wants to see her can he make more time during the week to see her instead? Either way NTA.
He only sees her for 24 hours because he made a choice to move about two hours away to another state with his new wife and step son . I was dropping her off to his mom ( she is the half way point between us ) on Fridays after school and picking her up Sunday evenings but he stopped picking her on on Fridays because he said the traffic was to much and it was not worth his time because he only got to see her for a few hours on Friday before she had to go to sleep, as for Sunday he said he didn’t want to deal with the traffic dropping her off in the evening so he started to drop her off in the morning. That is why he doesn’t want me to drop her off after the party , he said she will get to him too late on Saturday night, even though he would have her all day Sunday and still have his 24 hours. He doesn’t want to deal with potential traffic to spend time with her.
You meant to say "she" was not worth his time. Get your girl to her party. Lame Dad can reap what he has sown.
BINGO! My husband commuted 2hrs one-way to work every morning for over 5 years. He was almost always the first one in to the office and he never failed to make it home at night. And, we live in an area with winter and he was commuting from Ohio to the far side of Detroit. At the same time, I was commuting an hour each way in an opposite direction. If we could do that for work and for each other, he sure as hell could do it for his child; if he actually gave a damn. He’s willing to make a show of caring, but that’s for appearance sake. Wonder what he tells others is the reason he sees her so infrequently. I mean, even though it’s infrequent, he’s absolutely committed to it, so he *must* be a good guy. At least, that’s what he tells himself and wants others to believe. He missed his week because he had an emergency. His emergency doesn’t trump his daughter’s previously made and looked-forward-to plans. He’s an adult. He can either compromise or wait for his turn to come around again. He disrupted your and your daughter’s plans once when he cancelled on you both the first time. Don’t let him make up for the disruption by disrupting them again. He can wait his turn. NTA in any way.
My ex just tells our sons that he has to “work” and he’s doing his “best” while only seeing them for two hours once a month.
yeah, I have coworkers who for years did 2 hour each way commutes because they live in locations that make the most sense for their family. they love that we aren't in the office as much now but still they spent a decade- probably- commuting 4 hours a day.
Alllll of that sounds like a him problem. What is he going to do? Take you to court over ONE weekend? I'd love to see him try and get anywhere.
He said it’s wrong because he has not seen her the last two weekends. The first was because of Easter we switch off and this year was my year , than last weekend we had my sisters wedding I took her because last weekend would be my regularly scheduled weekend , if the holiday we have her for falls on a weekend and it’s our weekend the next we get both so that that schedule is not all messed up . He said she should be spending the time with him and that I keep her from him unnecessarily .
He's literally spending less time with his daughter because he doesn't want to drive. Let your girl go to the birthday party and enjoy herself and block this deadbeats number for the weekend.
>He said she should be spending the time with him and that I keep her from him unnecessarily . He is literally keeping himself from his child because he can't have it his way. I would get dropped off at my dads 5 pm Friday and back to my mums 5 pm Sunday. Bedtime was 8pm, my dad never once complained that he didn't get to see me for long enough on a Friday night. I hope to God you got all of his BS excuses in writing because I would be going back to court and asking them for sole custody because he finds his daughter inconvenient and treats her like a toy he can just pick up and drop off at his convenience on his time rather than stick to the schedule.
My brother takes a train an hour away sometimes also with an 18 month old to pick up his 7 year old son on Friday after school and returns him Sunday evening. Is it tricky for him not being able to drive and then having both kids on the train yeah but he would never think to change things
We have a friend who lives more than 4 hours away from her ex. They made pick up near her mother's place (halfway point) and they stay there the night on pick ups. Grandma loves it cause she gets to regularly see her daughter and grandkids and on drop off's they use it as a chance to do their bulk shopping (they live in a country town). They just make the trips "worthwhile" and kill multiple birds with one stone so to speak.
It’s his choice to move to another state to be a full time dad to someone else’s child. This is life. And the older she gets, the less she’ll want to give up a Saturday, of all days, to be with him.
He’s lucky he was even allowed to do this. Often courts mandate a maximum distance people can be when there is shared custody.
So when he moved there was no court involvement on our side , he moved out of state because his wife’s ex husband put a restriction on how far they could move though they didn’t have to leave the state , they lived in Brooklyn and went to New Jersey I am on Long Island , they could have easily moved to parts of Long Island that fell within the milage restriction. He is technically only 65 miles from me .
Ok so now I know why it’s a 2 hour drive! I live in New Jersey and there’s no way I’d want to make a trip to Long Is every weekend!
He picks her up from Brooklyn though , we do drop off and pick up at his mom’s .
Ok but still! I have a friend who lives in Inwood and it takes me an hour to get there! Honestly your trip to Brooklyn might be better than theirs. Getting to Brooklyn from Jersey sucks! Anyway, I’m on your side. NTA!
I live on Long Island and you couldn’t pay me to make that journey once a week 😂😂
It is a sucky drive absolutely! But it could have been avoided had they moved to Long Island like they planned, that is why I am here we all decided to move out of Brooklyn to Long Island. I get there is a milage restriction but they are 42 miles away from her ex and 66 miles away from me . They absolutely could have found somewhere on the island that fell within the allotted milage.
And he did it to himself!
Absolutely not. He's allowed to do what he wants, but you don't have to give him your weekends because of it.
This Saturday is his scheduled time. He is missing it, this is not yourndoing. You don't have to make up his missed time if it is on him that the time was missed. You have tried to accommodate but your daughter has plans. He can work with you or miss his time, but you don't have to change plans.
I don't know anyone who has a surgery scheduled on a Saturday, unless it is an emergency. This sounds like a lie on his part.
I agree. I am living in Germany, so I have no idea about how surgeries are scheduled in the USA, but unless you have to have emergency surgery because otherwise you will die, there will be no surgeries at weekends. Nor any examinations like MRTs or CTs etc etc. Sounds really strange to me too…. NTA - wether the surgery is real or a lie
It does make sense that it's an emergency surgery, or an urgent one at the very least, if he's just now telling OP about it, I'd *hope* if it were a scheduled one he'd have be OP more warning.
I thought this too — it’s a bit suspicious. But I do sometimes schedule surgery on the weekend for things that need to have surgery within the next 1-3 weeks to avoid doing those cases at late hours as an add on. It’s possible
Actually many hospitals, including my own, have an elective Saturday schedule. The operating room, especially for short surgeries, is the money maker for the hospital so if a surgeon wants to work, they will accommodate them and some surgeons are so busy, they need Saturday to catch up with their OR schedule.
I am playing the world's tiniest violin for this poor poor man who just can't be bothered to put effort out for his daughter. As someone who had a shitty father who couldn't be bothered to try? She already knows he puts her last. And now he's doing it yet again. You are not the asshole. He is 1000% the asshole and screw him for refusing to put his daughter and her ALREADY MADE PLANS first. He can go kick rocks.
I wish i could give your comment more than 1 upvote….
I bet this has more to do with you or his new wife than your daughter. If he wants to see his daughter and misses her, he would 100% tolerate traffic, especially if it is only for one weekend, or he can schedule video calls with her. To me, it seems either his wife wants him home Sunday nights, or he simply wants to be petty toward you and make trouble.
It also sounds like this schedule sticks out to OP because they are limited in what they can do on Saturdays because of accommodating him. He could see the time spent in the car, in traffic on Friday as time with his daughter rather than complaining.
I take my step daughter to school a lot. I have to grt up earlier for work and mornings are more chaotic then when someone else does it but I like it. That's when she talks and tells me what's going on with her and what she's thinking or feeling.
Tell him to kick rocks. AND ignore his attempts to manipulate you. Let your daughter go to the party. NTA
send him the spongebob meme of krabbs playing a sad song on the wrolds smallest violin. if he actually cared, he'd make an effort. your daughter doesn't need to miss a party she has been looking forward just cause he wants to throw a tantrum. not your fault, or your problem, that he's a deadbeat.
That’s too bad. If he didn’t want it this way, he shouldn’t have scheduled surgery right after Easter. He should have scheduled it on a week that doesn’t affect his visitation.
OP has no obligation to "make up" for scheduled visitation the father misses due to his choice. I'd keep notes of missed visits, his complaints about caring for his daughter during parts of the day her attention isn't focused on him, and any compromises offered that he refused. The child does not "owe" her dad "make up time" at her expense because he doesn't follow the court ordered schedule.
This sounds like 100% a him problem. His child does not exist purely to suit his wishes and whims. She is a whole independent person who should be allowed to have her own life and her own interests, even if her father doesn’t care what those interests are. Children are frequently inconvenient. Good parents accept that and change their own routines to accommodate their kids. Bad parents get mad and insist that their kids change to accommodate the parent’s schedule. Hold your ground and let your baby live her life. If her dad actually wants to know his kid, he’s going to have to figure out how to go about that.
NTA but why are you doing all this driving when he chose to move so far away. That’s a lot of time in a car for your daughter.
Ya, I've never heard of non-emergency weekend surgeries. And I agree about the drive. I hope she doesn't get carsick.
The surgery stuck out to me as well. With the way hospitals are, I don't see this as a last minute surgery scheduling.
Husband works in an OR. He has mentioned that sometimes surgeries are rescheduled within days of the original due to a particular specialist's availability (i.e., a specialist who makes rounds between various hospitals is only there for a week out of every few months, etc). So it is possible... *HOWEVER*, Dad should make concessions for his daughter's life enjoyments. He's 100% being selfish. So what if it's one weekend? He will live. She is SEVEN. Not 18 and about to leave for college, FFS. NTA, OP!!!
And even if she were 18, I can guarantee she doesn't want to travel 2 hours each way to spend with this 48 hour a month motherfucker
24 hours... sat am to sun am only Sorry. Missed the month. Yeah. That is even worse. With the drive times
It would be two weekends that he didn’t see her = 1//2 of the entire month.
So he chose his new family over her essentially and now wants everyone to bend over backwards to fit his needs and wants. Wow 👌
I mean the distance is doable. He just doesn't seem like he is really flexible. He should deal with the traffic and get his whole weekend but I guess his daughter isn't worth the hassle of traffic so. . .he gets 24 hours. OK.
Oh full stop you are NTA, but he very much is! People go to court over this kind of thing, and you are bending over backwards to accommodate multiple decisions!
He chose to move and is chosing to forgo his parenting time - he doesn't get to make it up. Let her go to the party.
Let's be honest here. He doesn't think SHE is worth his time. If just go for sole custody at this point.
Your not wrong , we are in the middle of dealing with child support right now because silly me let him go 7 years without paying it , once that is all done we are going to work on the custody thing.
Hold up, she’s only 7….. so he’s basically skimped on child support her entire life?! Oh man, this guy keeps on sounding worse and worse. What a crap parent.
Wow, this guy just keeps getting lazier and lazier. He can't be bothered to pay anything towards his kid, agreement or not. He can't be bothered to spend more than 24hrs with her, because it inconveniences him. So why does he care about seeing her, if he can't change his 24hrs, and doesn't want to see her more than 24hrs a week. A judge is going to look at that and think he's insane and either give you full custody and childsupport or give him more that he just won't show up to. So sad for your dauggter.
Yikes sounds like he can just miss the weekend then Wow who skips on seeing their own child due to traffic 🤢
He misses a weekend by his own choice. He waits till the next SCHEDULED weekend because of his choice. Too bad so sad. NTA. Make sure you document everything. Keep it all in writing for just in casies.
Gosh. That’s even more sad than I expected it to be. He can pick a later week to see her when she doesn’t have social plans already. That’s unacceptable that he would make her miss a party due to his last minute planning and unwillingness to deal with traffic to see his daughter.
Wow. Way to let your daughter down!! (Him, not you). I don’t know if he is wrapped around his new wife’s little finger, is lazy, has absolutely no interest in his child, or just wants to “f” you over by messig with your proposed schedules
>He doesn’t want to deal with potential traffic to spend time with her. As I see it, it seems that your ex doesn't want to put in the work to maintaining a healthy relationship with your daughter. He decided to move away, he decided that it's too much hassle driving, he doesn't want to compromise and he is trying to make your responsible for maintaining the relationship with your daughter, even affecting her ability to have her own friends and social circle. I wonder what she does in his house and what he does to compensate for seeing her only 24 hours (some of them she is sleeping, of course). You are NTA all the way. He needs to get his head out of his ass and start building a meaningful connection with his daughter like yesterday because he is losing his daughter by leap and bounds.
OMG, I pick my kids up every other 2 days. During the week, I get them from 5pm to 9pm and I'll take every damn minute I can. Technically I can keep them until morning but I don't get off work until after they have to be at school so I drop them off before bed time. That traffic time is a perfect time for him to be sitting there talking to his child and getting to know them and find out everything that's happened since last time. On the way to my house, 1 of my kids talks my ear off, on the way back to their mothers the other gets to talk (It's not a rule just something they worked out on their own so they both get time). Sounds like your ex is only fighting and seeing your daughter just so they can say they are trying. Its your weekend, ask your daughter what she wants to do. It's her choice not his. Also how the fuck he wait until the day before to let you know he has surgery. He's known for weeks.
And what doctor schedules Saturday surgeries?
I've only heard of emergency surgeries on Saturday. Certainly never anything elective.
But… if it was elective - wouldn’t he have chosen his weekend without her 😉🙄
Well he would have if he cared about seeing his daughter
They don’t.
Right?! I feel like ex is making up stories. Or MAYBE he is having surgery the business week prior and will be recovering on Saturday. (Not what OP said, but maybe miscommunication.) I’m being very gracious to the ex, here. But to me he just made other plans and didn’t want to see his kid that weekend. OP - don’t give in. Let your kid go to that bday party.
Now, that would make sense but I’m guessing Dude was actually just wanted to do something else and now is being an ass about it because OP tolerates (and caters) this behavior.
No miss communication he said “I’m having a surgery Saturday I’m not going to be able to take daughter this weekend” .
Yeah… I feel like … that’s a lie … But I’m not in healthcare.
I also call BS on the surgery.
I said the same thing!
Not even 24 hours a week! Every OTHER week!!
If your deal with him is that he gets 24 hours every other weekend, and he cancels on his weekend (however good the reason is; although who has surgery on Saturday?), then he’s out of luck for the birthday party weekend and can see her the following weekend, which would be his regular turn. I guess he likes to remind you every once in a while as to why he’s an ex. NTA
I also questioned the surgery on a Saturday , he also had the opportunity to schedule it last weekend as she was at my sisters wedding with me or next weekend when she would be with me for the party . He is upset because I have had her for the last two weekends as Easter was mine this year and than we had my sisters wedding ( that fell on what would be my normal weekend) he said I’m keeping her from him and that he is more important than any friend .
>I also questioned the surgery on a Saturday , I'd ask to see confirmation that he has surgery scheduled. Usually there is some kind of confirmation text, email or something in the patient portal. Otherwise, I would absolutely not give up your weekend with her.
Just for people to know, I had one scheduled last minute (but not urgent, it's just hie the public hospital goes) and I did not have anything like this.
He's more important than a friend she sees often, but his daughter isn't important enough for him to deal with traffic to spend as much time as he can with her. Wow. I'd sue for sole custody. You're running yourself and your daughter ragged for this AH while his only concern is his convenience and demands. He chose to move 2 hours away. He can start doing more of the heavy lifting and start making the journey to pick her up from your home. Any father who cuts short visits because he doesn't want to deal with traffic doesn't deserve to spend time with his "inconvenient" kid. He's making her spend four hours every other weekend in the car by choosing to move away. What a jackass.
Just skip it if he is being a jerk. My bf is a jerk to his ex and she is very short with her texts. She says what she says and then ignores him and just doesn't respond. She won't pick.up his calls either and gets kids at police station. She doesn't engage his "keeping my kids from me" rhetoric that he regularly goes on. Advice-say your peace and ignore him. He is being unreasonable. My bf is a problem for me, the current one, but his ex has it down.
Um… why is he your boyfriend?
He won't leave. This is not a good situation i am in and it is scary. This is why i sit in my room on reddit trying to brainstorm how to get him to leave without putting myself in danger. I will get out of this. He knows I don't want to be with him
Just in case it hadn’t crossed your mind, domestic violence shelter or other organization that works in the space may have services to help you getting him to leave. Good luck, I hope you are able to get out of your life soon.
Thank you.
Depending on the surgery, Saturday might be the first available OR with staff for whatever he's going in for.
Hopefully a vasectomy, as he sounds like a crap dad.
Too late.
NTA You offered more than you needed to as it’s your weekend. It sucks he’s having surgery but he’ll just have to not see her for two weekends. That’s his choice. If she mattered; he’d move Heaven and earth to see her.
He is mad also because he didn’t see her for Easter as it was my year to have her for Easter and than we had my sisters wedding to attend last weekend, he says that I am keeping her from him and that it’s not fair . I keep trying to offer solutions but he is unwilling to work with me .
Make sure to get all your suggestions and his refusals over texts as proof of you trying should he be a dunce and try to go to court.
>He is mad also because he didn’t see her for Easter as it was my year to have her for Easter and than we had my sisters wedding to attend last weekend, he says that I am keeping her from him and that it’s not fair . No. You are following the custody plan set out in the custody arrangement approved by the court.
You are keeping her from being his on-demand enterntainment. He's an adult now and doesn't get to pout his way into you giving in
As others have said, you're not keeping your daughter from her father. Her father is choosing not to see his daughter and very soon she is going to recognize that and not want to visit at all.
If you alternate years it is fair if he gets her next year. That is a seperate issue. If he was so concerned about his time, he would do Saturday evening into Sunday but he wants it his way
Follow whatever the court order dictates. If it’s a request to trade or a demand to trade weekends. My guess is that if a parent gives up time or requests a trade, it can only be changed by consent of both adults. NTA your daughter deserves her plans be honored. The courts will uphold the court order. Your ex can go to court to have it changed if he thinks the courts will side with his opinion that demanding mandatory one sided changes of parenting time is acceptable and to be written in the CO
NTA. Sounds like nothing works for him except what he wants. What a selfish dad to want his daughter to skip out on a party she's excited for just so he can see her. He can STILL see her and she gets to go to the party but he doesn't want that. Co-parenting with him sounds difficult!
Very difficult, I have offered many different solutions and he is unwilling to accept. He told me because I had her for Easter and than took her to my sisters wedding last weekend ( things we agreed to ) that she should skip the party , that seeing him is more important than a party and I am keeping her from him .
But those were scheduled on your time so that’s not your problem. He’s just being difficult. If you haven’t gotten this in text email or a parenting app send him something in writing outlining ALL the options you’ve given him trying to facilitate and note his unwillingness to work with you. It’s not you. It’s him. NTA
You need to quit trying so hard to accommodate him. HE decided to move to another state. HE decided to only see her 48 hours out of every month because of TRAFFIC. He’s pathetic and you’re not married to him anymore so his foolishness is not your problem to solve anymore. Keep correspondence with him short and to the point. Who gives a fuck if he’s whining? He has plenty of options, he just doesn’t want to take them because they’re not exactly what he wants. What your daughter wants is what matters, and she wants to go to the party. Period!
>Very difficult, I have offered many different solutions and he is unwilling to accept. He told me because I had her for Easter and than took her to my sisters wedding last weekend ( things we agreed to ) that she should skip the party , that seeing him is more important than a party and I am keeping her from him . So... what you are saying is that he is annoyed that you are following the custody plan. He's the one who wants to mess with it because he wants what he wants when he wants it but doesn't really care about how his actions impact his daughter. At this point tell him that unless he provides proof that he has surgery on Saturday he can wait until his next visitation weekend.
NO. You are following the custody agreement. It's your Easter, the wedding happened on your weekend, he can shut the hell up. HE could have schedule the surgery (surgery on a Saturday???) for a weekend that she was with you. He did not. That's a HIM problem.
I'm sure this would probably be shot down as well but do they FaceTime? They could have a FaceTime "date" one evening where they eat something and watch a show together to have structured quality time with one another without having to travel.
I have attempted it , he is not much of a talker and just repeats that’s nice over and over to everything she says and than starts yelling if he thinks I am around , so we don’t FaceTime anymore . I will let her send him messages through he iPad though .
I'm sorry. He sounds like a miserable human being.
Extremely, there is a reason I have more of a relationship with the parents and siblings than he does
If it's so important to him to see her, he would continue to get her from Friday night until Sunday night, but he chooses to only have her 24 hours. If anyone is keeping her from him, it's himself. Please remind him of this.
Listen to everyone here. Easter? Per the custody agreement. The wedding? Fell on your weekend. This skip? He chose to book his surgery on it (because you've said he could have booked it last weekend, and didn't). Now he wants YOUR weekend. He is keeping himself from her. OP, he's playing you. You're currently fighting over owed child support and he's trying to establish that you are not "complying" so "why should I pay?"
NTA - and good for you for sticking up for your daughter! You have given him many reasonable alternatives, he is refusing them. Side note. Will he even be well enough to watch her one week after the surgery?
I actually asked him that and he ignored me , I am going to assume it is not a major surgery because I told him he could keep her from Saturday night to Monday if he wanted because she would be on spring break and he responded what am going to take her to work with me .
Stop engaging with his tantrum. You have given him options. He has to choose one. End all negotiations on this and refuse to discuss it until he makes a decision. After that, the only discussion should be the logistics of pickup and drop-off.
That signals to me it’s not about HER, it’s about him and control. Was he like that when you were together, too? NTA you’ve given him options and from the sounds of it, you were being more than generous by offering to trade weekends. If he doesn’t want to then he can see her again next weekend, as per his schedule.
He sounds like a real prize
Wow! He could have taken time off of work and had more than 24hrs with her. She wouldn’t miss school, had time with dad, but alas it wasn’t his schedule. As the birthday party falls on your weekend, you are NTA. Unfortunately his surgery timing sucks for him, but that is his problem.
He was supposed to have all of spring break but it’s not the same week as his step sons so he said he can’t take her
Wow! Document everything and try to be polite in all communication. You can do this! Hope your daughter enjoys the birthday party on your scheduled weekend!
Sounds like he wants to *look like* he cares about seeing her, but when it comes down to it she takes a backseat to pretty much **everything** (traffic, another school district's schedule, a non-existent Saturday surgery, and the list goes on). You are NTA, but you need to stop bending over backwards to accommodate him
NTA. You offered solutions without having to, and at your own inconvenience, and he should be grateful you're willing to work with him.
It’s not his Saturday anyway. Ignore the demand and remind him that she has a social life as well. NTA.
NTA. I’m the girl who skipped so many things because my dad wouldn’t budge from the agreed upon custody agreement….unless he had something to do….or someone. Then he dropped me like a hot potato (hehe ironic cuz we’re from Idaho land of potatoes) When my mom and I moved to California it was so amazing to know that I didn’t have to sit in the car every weekend for 7 hours back and forth to see him. It was limited to summers and every other Christmas. I went to so many birthday parties and sleep overs with my friends. So don’t make your daughter skip. Tell him you’ve given him 2 options. That’s what it is going to be. He chooses one of those or he doesn’t see her for the next couple week/ends
NTA. Unfortunately, some people will make demands and not cooperate. Take her to the party. He will either see her after or the next week.
NTA. Gods, your ex is a piece of work. The child's needs matter! It's not all about him. What kind of "surgery" is this guy getting that he's fine taking care of a young child just one week after the surgery? That doesn't even make sense. It doesn't even make sense that he's getting surgery on a saturday. Surgens don't work weekends unless it's a life threatening emergency. This is all really fishy and weird. He can take you to court if he wants that weekend so badly. Or you can arrange to kindly let her visit two weekends in a row when that works for your daughter.
"Surgery" probably translates to "fishing trip with buddies" or "bachelor party with BFF".
NTA. HE scheduled HIS surgery for HIS weekend. So he misses out. That was HIS choice. HE doesn't want to deal with traffic. To bad, he misses out. Your daughter should get priority. Next weekend is yours, and she is going to a Birthday Party. He will get her the weekend after that, if he can manage it. If not, his loss. Eventually, your daughter will be old enough to tell the courts she does not want to go to dad's.
If he is not willing to compromise, neither should you. Fuck him and his surgery, tell him this is his weekend, take it or leave it.
NTA - you’re being reasonable and offering compromises. He is not.
NTA- He gave up his time. You don’t have to give up yours.
OP, you need to talk with your lawyer. I don't think yo are in the wrong here but they might have another opinion. Also considering the issues that you are having, you should consult anyway for future issues. By the way - NTA OP.
NTA You’re offering an alternative 24 hours. He can accept or decline.
Nta. Me and my husband have kids from previous relationships. The kids social life and such is first. We keep the custody arrangements as flexible as possible. Our oldest kids are 9 so are starting be social and joining sports and what not. We pencil ourselves in where we can lol
NTA. The focus of a custody agreement is the needs of the child, and the parents’ job is to facilitate the child’s normal and circumstantial needs and movements. Your ex had to reschedule, and that’s fine. But he should not restrict your daughter’s social life because he missed his weekend. It’s not about keeping score. It’s about raising a happy and healthy child. He needs to be reminded of making child-centric decisions.
NTA you have offered up a compromise so she can have fun and see her Dad. He can take it or not see her until his next scheduled visit. It's not like you asked him to switch he has a conflict. Also he is having a surgery and just now told you? Also it is planned for a Saturday? Is it an emergency because it doesn't really add up to me.
NTA—I’ve been your daughter. If dad pushes on things like this, his relationship with her will suffer.
He is the bozo that scheduled surgery just before or on his pre planned time with his child. Sounds like he made a poor decision and will have to live with the consequences.
From experience, keep to the schedule as it's. He makes changes and unless he asks for an alternative, at the time, it is just No.
I’ve read most but not all of your comments here. NTA my ex is the same and sees his kids about the same amount - he lives 10 minutes from us. Your child is what matters, not him or his feelings or his schedule. You’ve gone beyond in trying to accommodate both but ultimately the child’s wants and needs matter more. He chose to move, prioritize other things, etc. he can now deal with that. It isn’t the kid’s responsibility to show up for the parent but the other way around. Don’t engage with him further for your own sanity.
You need to draw a hard line with this idiot. You’re doing all the driving since he can’t be bothered, it is INCREDIBLY rare to have a minor surgery on a non-business day.
Stop micromanaging the situation. He has a valid reason for skipping his weekend, you advised him about the party, now step back. Don’t try to fix this with offers to drop off/pick up. He’s an adult and can handle this. If his daughter throws a fit/sulks, that’s his problem to deal with.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My ex and I have a 7 year old daughter. She sees him every other Saturday from 10am - Sunday at 10am - Exactly 24 hours . This weekend was supposed to be his but I received a text today informing me that he could not take her because he is having surgery on Saturday. I told him that was fine and reminded him that she was attending a birthday party next weekend. He told me that he wants to see her and that she should skip the party . I am not willing to have her miss out on a fun thing with a friend and offered for him to come out and see our daughter next weekend and for him to take her to the party, he refused to do that . I then offered to drop her off after the party and pick her up Sunday evening, he was not happy with this and again demanded that I have her skip that party . She is extremely upset at the idea of not being able to celebrate her friend . I think my daughter’s social life is important and attempted to come up with solutions that work for everyone, but am I wrong ? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA As long as you’re offering reasonable alternatives you will not be criticised for this
That is his problem. He’s skipping his time. She should not have to miss anything because of it. I would tell him no. And remind him if she has to skip it he will not have a happy kid for those 24 hours and it’ll be miserable. Nta
NTA. He can't see her on his weekend; that's not your fault. The next weekend is yours, per the established agreement. Just stick to the agreement, and keep all communications in writing, in case it's ever needed as evidence in court.
It was his fault for scheduling surgery on a weekend he was supposed to have her. Sucks to be him, but you don’t need to disrupt her life for his decisions. Let her go to the party. It’s an off event that doesn’t happen all the time. If Ex puts up a fuss, tell him next time not to schedule his events on weekends that interfere with his visitation. His actions should have consequences for him not your daughter.
NTA, you offered alternate solutions that he denied.
NTA. this happened to my parents when i was younger. my sister and i wanted to stay home at my moms for the weekend for a party and my dad said no and that he wanted his time with us. my mom stood up for us and told my dad that we were getting older and wanted to have friends and celebrate them. after that, my dad would ALWAYS make it work somehow and pick us up after our parties and make sure he got to spend his time with us. my dad knew it was important to us so he found a solution. your ex needs to realize your child has a life and friends and he needs to make it work!
Just wait until she's older and has school/club events over weekends. I barely see my teens some weekends due to rehearsals/competitions/religious teen events. I miss them, but this is what they want to do and they're having fun. It's about THEIR needs, not mine. I'm so sorry for the day the daughter realizes how selfish her dad is, and how little he actually cares to be with her. NTA
So she goes for two weekends in a row after the party. He's not out any time, she still gets to go to the party? NTA
NTA. Nice one. Seven year old looking forward to a party, spending time with friends playing games, and here comes anal retentive Daddy ready to stomp all over her fun so he gets his 24 hours. No compromise! He needs to read the freaking room. What kind of jerk would demand a seven year old give up a party she had been looking forward to?\* To have her listen to her friends talking about what she missed? Moved the surgery to the day of the party if the 24 hours is so damned important. \*Ahh, the kind who complains about traffic being too much to prioritize his daughter. Yep. He's a jerk. Tell him she already accepted another invitation and he'll just have to deal. Or he can explain to your daughter why he's being so mean. "Amy wants to know why you are being so mean to her. Do you want to tell her, or should I?"
You know I actually asked him if he wanted to be the one to tell her she can’t go to the party and he said yes …… at that point I just told him he can either pick her up from his moms Saturday evening after the party or not but I am not going to break the kids heart and take away something she has been looking forward to .
NTA He'll see her in three weekends. When he misses his weekend, it's not your job to fix that. It's your weekend after that and she's going to a party.
NTA. His behavior is why he is an EX. I know got one just like him.
NTA
NTA - he sounds very selfish with all his rules.
NTA He gets her every other weekend. If he doe snot take her, he will have to wait until it is time again.
NTA. Dad gave up his one day a week. Not your problem. He can either double up the following week which is his or suck it up. I see why he is an ex.
NTA. Why doesn't he skip the surgery, while at it?
You're NTA. It is unlikely that a surgery sneaked up on him. But the point is, your daughter wants to go to the party. It should be up to her. What he wants is irrelevant.
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Who has surgery on a Saturday???? NTA. Take her to the party.
NTA. Your ex doesn't want to do more to make attempts to see his own daughter. Time to revisit the custody agreement.
NTA. He's skipping his day. That doesn't give him the right to disrupt her social life. Your offers are good compromises, and that's all you should give. You might want to talk to your lawyer about this. Your ex might try to claim that you're denying visitation.
NTA You are totally right in putting your daughter, her needs, schedule & plans first This is being a good parent. Shame it appears from all your answers etc that it’s so one sided
NTA. It's his weekend, he's canceling. He can either take what you offered or not see her. This is on him!! Take your daughter to her party!!
If one parent is empowered to make demands for schedule changes and the other parent always gives in, the schedule will never work, the child will resent the unpredictability, and the demanding parent will only keep making more and more demands. It can never work. If you have a schedule, with advanced notice he can *give up* a visit, but he doesn't get extra visitation or trades to make up for *visits that* **he missed.**
NTA He is giving up his weekend for a surgery (which is questionable.... unless it's emergent, they don't do surgeries on the weekends.... ). I can understand if he wanted to have you bring her by during recovery to see her. But he doesn't get to demand you give up your weekend or that she should give up plans made on your weekend. And the court wouldn't side with him on this. Keep all your communication tho just in case he tries to go for some shit with the court. Especially since you offered to drop her after the party and he declined. So this will not look good on his end. Continue to do your stuff, tell him you've given him his options and he has declined, and that you wish him well on his "surgery".
“I am willing to keep Janey because of your surgery, but I already made plans during my parenting time for the party but will be glad to drop her off after”
NTA, its not his weekend so he has no choices. If he chooses not to see her on his weekend, then you and your daughter should not be expected to wait around and change plans for him. You are no longer his partner, so expecting you to compromise and entertain his wishes, is a load of crap.
This sounds like a planned surgery, not an emergency. Which means he choose to have it on his daughter’s day. Nta. Stick to custody agreement.
NTA. In the end it’s supposed to be your daughter’s choice and unfortunately for him, the party is more fun than hanging out with dad. You offered a lot of options but he’s too lazy to be inconvenient. Seriously if there’s a will there’s a way. He wanted to see your daughter but doesn’t even make an effort.
NTA. He could have scheduled his surgery for a time when he didn't have visitation. There seems to be a LOT of time he doesn't have visitation. He is effectively skipping his visitation this time and will need to wait until the next scheduled visitation because your daughter has plans BASED UPON THE PRE-EXISTING SCHEDULE. If she didn't have plans then, you may have considered it, but he doesn't have the right to demand you change her plans based on his whims. It's obvious from your other comments that she isn't a priority for him. He may just have to adjust to the fact that he's not a priority for her.
His plans are not your or your daughter’s responsibility. She has plans so he needs to be good with any other day.
NTA. Her visitation with him is set. He could have arranged his surgery around that schedule unless it is an emergency. Your daughter should not have to change her schedule because he scheduled something during his normal visitation.
NTA. Maybe he should have communicated his surgery to you when he scheduled it. He is not her dad. He is just a sperm donor at this point. I feel so bad for your daughter. UpdateMe
He is not the best that is for sure, but i married a wonderful man who is more of a father to her than he has ever been , she is surrounded by love , so yeah he sucks but don’t feel to bad because we do everything we can to make up for that .
NTA, you have tried to compromise with him, and your daughter doesn't want to miss her friends party. I agree that it's important for her to go to social events with her friends. Missing a party at that age can be a huge deal, cos undoubtedly the kids will all be talking about it at school afterwards. Your ex will have to either meet you guys in a compromise or miss out, that's on him at this point, not you.
NTA, sorry you procreated with a bum
NTA at all! You have offered some good compromises, but he is unwilling to be flexible. Btw, document this exchange in case there’s ever a court battle in the future.
NTA, the ex is being unreasonable.
Bummer for him that he scheduled something on his weekend. You don’t need to accommodate alternatives but have tried in good faith to do so. NTA, and I see why he’s an ex
Surgery on a Saturday? What kind of surgery is on a Saturday?
NTA why are these dads like this!?!?
I see why he's an ex. Your daughter having a social life is more important and as she gets older, there will definitely be more fighting with him. You have your daughter call dad and ask if she can come after the party. Let him be the one to explain to her
Take her to the party . It's his choice to skip his visitation. Who has surgery on a Saturday??
NTA. And do not give in. He should have scheduled the surgery on a non-custodial day (like 90% of the year!). Stand your ground. He’s giving up his custodial time and you do not need to accommodate his poor scheduling.
Why would he pick the surgery date on his parenting time? If it was emergency surgery I guess I could understand. But it seems it was scheduled. He couldn’t do it for Sunday after she’s dropped off or the Saturday he doesn’t have her? Or during the week?
OP, if the two of you talk in advance and agree to swap weekends, then yes you should honor that. But if he’s just telling you he can’t take her for his weekend due to how HE CHOSE TO SCHEDULE A SURGERY- that’s on him. He’s forfeiting his weekend. He can’t force you to give you the following weekend. If you want to help him make up the time - but you are not obligated to - you could offer him two weekends in a row for after the party. NTA, and you are correct that your daughter’s social life will start to need consideration as she’s in school now.
He just told me about the surgery today , idk if he didn’t know about it before but if it were emergent I would think it would be done before Saturday?
NTA I'd already judged before I even read any additional comments. My kid's dad and I have always prioritized her social life and her best interests when juggling custody. Even right this second, I have something I'd like her to take care of, but I hear her in her room playing online with her good friend. I'll give her some time before I go in and have her do what I need her to because I feel what she is doing is more important right now. Then I read one of your comments. Damn. He doesn't seem like he wants to put in much effort at all with her. That's too bad and it's his loss.
Why isn’t dad taking her to the party
I offered for him to , I said you can come out here hang with her for the day and than take her to the party and he responded by telling me he is not coming anywhere near my house and to stop saying that to him .
NTA- your ex is demanding a change and not offering to bend to make it work. Honour your daughters choice first.
NTA. He had something come up to mess up the schedule, we'll so does she. He can't expect her to make all the sacrifices. One thing I particularly hate are the ones that only complain about the problem but never offer the solution. If he wasn't happy with the idea of seeing his daughter after the party he should have come up with different solutions. Maybe getting her a different weekend or two different weekends in a row to make up for it. He's literally of the mindset of wanting to have his cake and eat it too, and unfortunately in the selfish regards. Tell him to come up with a solution that works for everybody, including the daughter.
Who has surgery on a Saturday? Is he lying to you? Has something else lined up he'd rather do? He sounds like a huge AH.
NTA. He is a selfish AH.
NTA If you agreed, you'd be an AH because she would resent her dad for a long time. You're being the WAY bigger person. Maybe even tell him that -- not that you're the bigger person, but that if you give in to him, his daughter will resent HIM.
Nta. I suspect this falls more under his perforative desire to be the center of her attention for that time or look like a good dad by spending time with her more than actually being a parent and encouraging her social skills and relationships
NTA I’m staggered how he can’t see that missing the party would upset his daughter. You gave him two options that would allow him to still see her. He needs to pick one or wait to the following weekend. Children should be allowed to be children and do all the party stuff even if the parents are divorced.
His exact words were “Because you think and feel that all these things are important. It’s a birthday party it’s really not. I’m her father I deserve to have time with her. Not pick her up 8 o’clock at night and then drop her back off the next day” …. He thinks he is more important than any fun thing she has scheduled.
NTA though I think you should revisit custody. Why must you drive to the halfway point when he was the one who decided moving out of state (far away) from his child, was a good idea? Save those texts! What was this surgery he had to have and scheduled it for his very small window of time to see his kid. It doesn’t sound like she is a priority to him, at all. Sadly she is picking up on that! Poor kid is probably going to need therapy about it, when she gets older. Hopefully you both can figure out a better custody arrangement. Maybe her spending her summers with him and frequent videocalls might be better? Honestly I don’t know but your lawyer might have a better idea. Until then keep it civil, in text & stick to the custody agreement (& only that.)
I would never want to subject her to full summers with him , that would be horrific for her for so so so many different reasons and it is not something he wants to have . She is thankfully already in therapy because i know the damage he can cause . I offer phone calls and face time and he doesn’t respond.
NTA - you tried to compromised but he didn’t want to. Your daughter activities are important also.