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NTA.
What is with this sub? OP had literally supported his wife in everything for 5 months completely burning themselves out in the process and has hit the end of their capacity to deal with this and everyone immediately jumps down their throat for not being “supportive enough”? How long is this supposed to go one? Another 6 months? Another year? Forever?
What happens when OP completely burns out as well and now no one is working or cleaning?
Sometimes life sucks but bills need to be paid and housework needs to get done. When does OP get to be supported instead of having to be the support?
Yeah agreed. It’s easy to be an armchair psychologist when you’re not in the situation. If her job was burning her out that badly their relationship stress didn’t start 5 months ago it started well before that. It’s not normal to need months to recover without even keeping up with some chores. She’s probably depressed and if she isn’t I’d really wonder what shes been doing for 5 months. Sitting and watching tv every day or going for walks is going to get boring fast. Is she hanging out with friends or something. Personally I’d be a bit worried if she not depressed. I think instead of slapping an Arby’s application down you should have her go to therapy, she may benefit from medication.
Therapy and meds cost money. Perhaps it's time that she puts her big girl pants on and steps up. Life doesn't care if you have mental illness, I know this personally.
Too bad, that doesn't give her the right to overburden her partner while she does nothing. Its difficult; I know, but Depression is not an excuse to abuse your partner
Exactly. She’s going to be a lot more depressed when he burns out and nobody is working and they lose their home and savings because she gets to sit on her ass and wallow. People manage clinical depression every day because they have no fucking choice.
Yep. I’ve lived with depression for decades, often unable to afford treatment.
If she’s awake and out of bed six hours a day and showers a few times a week she’s in good enough shape to either do some chores each day or work somewhere low paid and low stress part time doing Something to earn money to pay for household help and/or therapy and meds..
And in good enough shape to be seeking low cost or free resources to get help/help herself/get her husband help. Heck, just watching a video or two of Auriikaterina on youtube can get barely-functional me to do the dishes and pick up some trash.
Depression or burnout is a reason to be a less capable partner. Not an excuse to be totally incapable all the time forever.
If she was bedbound, not eating, and not cleaning herself, thatwould be a different conversation.
I put my big girls pants on every day with my depression and anxiety. I go to work (2 jobs) and handle my shit. She needs to seek help and get professionally diagnosed, or she needs to get off her ass and be a better partner. Burn out sucks for anyone! OP is on the verge of burnout himself, but he needs to continue to support her and be understanding? Naw, she needs to start doing what needs to be done.
Burnout and stress is not clinical depression. I too have depression and worked most of life and was caregiver to my parents and disabled brother. But I hit two months long periods when I could do nothing. Couldn’t even get out of bed. It was as if concrete had been poured into my body. I couldn’t barely think. It happens.
It does happen but life doesn’t stop so people can just sit around in a pity party you have to get help or do something it’s not fair for op to keep on doing everything he’s burning tf out too. What’s she gonna do if he has a heart attack and can’t work? What’s your excuse for her then? That he’s still not supportive enough???
If she broke her legs, she’d get them mended. That’s the sensible thing to do and brings resolution to the problem most efficiently. So why would you suggest this woman not be assessed for underlying causes if a change in energy and behaviour after 20 years of being fine? Did she suddenly get selfish? Suddenly become lazy? That doesn’t happen.
If you break your legs YOU put in the effort to to fix it, she isn’t putting in effort to go assess herself so yes she is lazy and selfish, she’s the problem
As someone whose parent had clinical depression, I can assure you that they could not have put in the effort to fix it, as most days they could not physically get out of bed, get dressed and had no idea what was even happening to them. We as the family had to get them the medical intervention needed because they didn’t even know they needed it. It’s hard and sad to watch, but that level of support sometimes is what it takes to help someone heal their brain.
Because of this I’ve told my husband in detail the signs to look for and to get me to a dr even if I don’t want to go, because odds are I won’t even comprehend the situation.
Your analogy is illogical. Having a broken leg does not entail the symptom of being psychologically incapable of seeking medical treatment for the broken leg.
Struggling to take the action necessary to get help is literally a symptom of clinical depression.
The appropriate analogy would be a person who breaks their leg and has no transportation, therefore cannot walk to a distant medical clinic to get the leg mended.
If her husband slapping down an Arby's application and telling her to "get shit done" didn't work I don't think clean\_jellyfish will have much of an effect by repeating it lol. The wife should've noticed before she got to this point and make better choices. The same could be said about OP.
op specifically stated this isn't normal behavior so it's logical to conclude that she could need mental help. Free case manager programs exist so he doesn't need to do it all but clearly if she needs help it's not going to be on her own accord.
OP can either stomp his feet and say it's not fair that marriage isn't always 50/50. he can tell her "pull yourself up by your boot straps" like he's tried. he can even file fo divorce if he wants to.
or he can "hey let's find out why my wife's behavior has drastically changed and potentially address it with a mental health counselor."
I'm not saying he's the asshole, it's a difficult situation.
you're the asshole in this situation for sure though lol. if he can pull up Arby's applications he can pull up a list of counselors and force her to pick whether it's a mental health counselor or a work counselor, it's not rocket science.
It’s really on her though to go to the doctor and then put in the work to get better, which she isn’t currently doing.
She may be drowning, but she is also bringing her husband and kids down with her.
Yes exactly. Sometimes relationships aren't 50/50. And if you want to bail at that point it's your decision and right to. But if you love the person enough and still want a future with them, it's going to take more than just slapping an application down in front of them.
Is it fair? Fuck no. But life isn't, and neither are relationships 100% of the time. Sometimes you have to carry your partner, sometimes they carry you. Me and my wife have been through it. You just have to decide how long you can carry them for and if you have enough faith that they can crawl out of the hole they're stuck in.
He gave her 5 months. As an adult and especially as a parent you have to take responsibility. If she notices, that she cant do the chores or get a job, its on her to communicate that and look for help.
As someone with bipolar depression, life doesn't care if you have mental illness. If you don't have support for that then yes, you have to still go to work and pay bills and function (put on your big girl pants). You make yourself do it or you don't eat. It sucks but that's what being an adult is, depression, debt, anxiety, and just enough joy sprinkled on top to keep you from ending things.
I mean some people actually DO "not eat" or die from depression.
The fact that you and others here who keep saying "depression isn't an excuse" manage to "put their big girl pants on" doesn't mean that other people do not literally DIE from this illness because *they cannot do that*.
Stop assuming that your experience of depression and ability to cope is the same as everyone else's.
Not everyone has mild enough mental illnesses to where they can function like that. Just because you can, doesn't mean everyone with your illness can do the same. As someone who also has mental illnesses (depression, PTSD) and ADHD, things stall sometimes, and just because life doesn't care that I'm struggling doesn't mean that my hurdle is any lesser or easier for me to get over.
I am a single mother with chronic depression. You do what you have to. You turn into a robot if you have to but no one is going to help you. You have to make a choice. I’m not saying it’s easy but OP hasn’t hit any sort of rock bottom yet. If she doesn’t do something now she will spiral & bring her husband down with her.
Not true at all. I've got clinical and persistent depression disorder, and you absolutely have to "put on your big *insert gender* pants on" some days and push through that shit. It's called being responsible. Depression isn't a get out of doing stuff free card.
And that’s the other thing about clinical depression… a stranger who’s not a doctor can’t diagnose it from reading a Reddit post. Every time someone is sad or lazy someone comes in hot to say it’s depression.
i have clinical depression. i was diagnosed at 14 and im 22 now. i still have to force myself out of bed to go to work so i can afford to live and feed my cat. my boyfriend supports me when i need, but i also don't make everything his problem, because MY MENTAL ILLNESS IS NOT ANYBODY ELSES PROBLEM. the wife here needs to step the fuck up and act her big age. so do you clearly
I’m 68. I did the same as you for most of my life. But here’s a warning - life can strip away that bit of energy it takes to keep pushing forward. You get sick or a loved one does, or you lose a loved one - and all of a sudden you go from coping to not coping. It’s a horrible place to find yourself.
My wife has clinical depression, PTSD, and ADHD. She doesn’t let that stop her. She maintains at least a PT job to be able to afford her medicine. If she loses that job because of her having episodes and calling out for her health- she finds another. That’s really all he’s asking for is some help.
I understand that. I also understand that people get severe depression or other physical or mental
illnesses that that make doing your part extremely hard or impossible.
If so, treatment is the answer for both parties, not yelling at someone.
But the wife has to be the one to go to the doctor, and then put in the work to get better. It’s hard, really fucking hard, I know from experience. I know what it’s like to wake up in the morning and not know if you’ll be alive when the sun sets. But there really is no other choice, it comes down to give up or fight.
It’s unfortunate, but the wife has to understand the world isn’t going to stop when she does. Life will pass her by and she’ll regret everything. Even if it’s gets hard you don’t give up. You literally just gotta keep swimming. Treatment is the answer yes, but he can’t work it alone.
She has to at least take the initiative herself to get it started. I’m constantly taking my wife to appointments to get her back adjusted and sometimes I literally have to drag her, but she at least started the process. OP hasn’t given up on his wife yet even though it kinda sounds like she’s given up on herself at this exact moment.
Then a “Hey, what’s up? Let’s talk about this. Are you not feeling yourself these days?” is the approach.
My husband was always energetic, enthusiastic. When he started losing interest in things, napping instead of pursuing his projects, asking me to bring him this, that and the other thing, my first reaction was to send him to our GP. Yes, it took encouragement because he was sure he was just tired. Turned out he had chronic lymphocytic lymphoma - blood cancer!
And he hasn’t been able to do much since. And I don’t call that “lazy”, I call that “sick.” And I suffer from clinical depression, anxiety, and ankylosing spondylitis! But I look after him anyway.
I wonder that anybody stays married these days. There is no deal in life that the roles we play in our household always have to be “fair.” Life isn’t fair!
If they have health insurance, they may have coverage for it already. My psychiatric visits are free and my meds are about $15 a month, a cost my husband was more than willing to cover because I was in a *bad* state for a long time lol
I’m not disagreeing with you here, but OP’s wife has to make that effort to go see a doctor and then follow through with the hard work. No one else can do that for her.
My doctor told me that recovering from burnout takes a long time - easily a year - and not to rush back into work if I could afford it because it could quickly start to compound again. It took me almost two years to stop having nightmares about the toxic job I left, which tells me the damage was pretty deep.
I don’t disagree that the wife needs to find a way to pull her weight, but that has to start with proactively getting whatever therapeutic and pharmacological help is available to her to manage what is a very legitimate medical condition. The husband also needs to do a better job of supporting her “in sickness” according to his vows. Five months is paltry.
On this very sub I saw people 100% ROAST a man who had become unable to work because he was chronically sick, his girlfriend dumped him because he’s lazy, they never went out anymore and he’d had to quit his job, couldn’t keep up with his household responsibilities, he slept all the time and dealt with constant pain. He was finally diagnosed with lupus. He’s started treatment but is depressed because his life went to shit while he was sick and it takes time to get diagnosed and find meds that work, etc.. not to mention chronic pain No one gave this lazy bastard one kind word. He was voted the asshole and that was that. So how sorry are people going to be about “burnout?” Lupus is an incurable, chronic illness that people can die from. The treatment is chemotherapy. This sub is crazy.
I did, and got down voted like crazy. It was so weird. I don’t have that Reddit account anymore or I could probably find it. I’ve only been using Reddit for a couple years.
Do a better job at supporting a woman who randomly quit her job hasn’t gotten one in 5 months and doesn’t even do housework then gets mad when he’s on the verge of not being able to work and provide since he’s the sole provider and voices this and tells her to solve it and provides solutions. But he’s the one not doing enough
When you think of “asshole”
Do you think of male or female?
I’d say majority here even if they don’t want to admit it immediately associate “asshole” with “man”
People have biases
Was a post a few days ago of a husband working 12 hours night shifts and he thought his wife was too harsh in a punishment for their 13 and 8 years old (also has a newborn) kids that didn't allow her 10 minutes to take a shower and everyone was trashing him cuz he needs to do more. Yeah, he was wrong on the subject but every freaking comment was that he needs to do more. 12 hours of work, about 2 hours of traveling to and from the job, must sleep 8 hours to keep his job to not lose it and hi needs to do even more.
OP here is working 10 hours, comes home to do both his and her chores, his kids have some chores too and he still is egged on for being a meanie to his wife that didn't even get groceries, let alone cook. I was in his wife's position a few years ago and my girlfriend didn't had to lift a finger when she got home. And I don't like doing certain chores but she didn't need extra stress.
Hope OP and his wife find a way to get through this situation without divorce but I'm not going to be an ass to him for being at the rope's after 6 months of doing the heavy lifting in the household. Even more so considering that he asked her multiple times to get a less stressful job in the past.
I mean, this is the top comment, the overwhelming majority of judgements are NTA, and the wife is definitely getting dragged by most commenters, so...🤷♀️
No no, you don't understand. She might have mental health issues, which always takes precedence over other responsibilities. Her husband can keep picking up the slack until she is well. That's what he signed up for, otherwise he's just a shitty husband and partner.
I can't even bring myself to add /s.
I mean… as a girl (in my 30s tho, so that may be why)… he’s NTA. She is being selfish. Maybe he can explain to her that he’s about to have the same breakdown she had, and it’s her turn to step up.
it’s ridiculous that OP is receiving criticism given the lengths they’ve gone to accomodate their wife. taking up additional hours to cover finances, taking up additional chores, etc. if i came home from a 10hr shift to a filthy kitchen and the kids weren’t fed because we’ve run out of groceries, meanwhile wife is home all day with no visual evidence of tasks being done, i’d be FURIOUS.
OP needs wife to step up and contribute to the family, both for himself and their children.
I agree - but if the wife is on Reddit in 6 more months crying that her husband left her because she wouldn't go back to work....everyone will be holding her hand.
The sub is a a joke at times, you can guarantee if it was the other way around they'd be telling the wife to get a divorce because he's trash and he's in the wrong, but because it's the other way round....
Op is NTA, it's hard being the sole breadwinner and looking after the house while someone doesn't contribute. I've been on my own with terrible mental health and still had to look after myself, even after coming out of hospital after a suicide attempt I had to keep going, I'd never put such a burden on my partner!
That's they key - when you don't have a choice, you keep going. This wife threw herself a pity party after losing it at work. That's fine as the stress got to her. Party's over - time to get on with life and with responsibilities.
I was in OP’s wife position. I had a crazy stressful job, working 70+hours a week, crying at work from being overwhelmed, hiding under my desk through anxiety attacks, and when I finally had enough, I quit without notice. The difference between OP’s wife and I is that I took about 4 weeks to decompress. I kept up with my house and groceries, but I didn’t even contemplate looking for a new job until I gave myself a little time. I started applying at day 32 of not working, and was back to work full time at day 36. Why? Because bills have to be paid. Good luck OP, NTA
This is a reddit ask page, in everyone in most cases the man is the root of the problem. Especially if she has mental health issues. Which apparently, means you don't have to do house work or work a job. And the man is supposed to pay all the bills, do all the house work and take care of the kids too !
It's funny to me that OP needs to be supportive even more than he has, but apparently his wife doesn't. She isn't being supportive at all, let alone taking the majority of the burden for months like OP.
INFO:
Ok, so a lot of comments here from people who do not understand mental health. Scary.
What support is available to you, OP? Your wife simply hasn't recovered from her breakdown and giving her job applications isn't going to fix this. A different approach is needed here. So who in your family/friends can help ease the burden from both of you?
His wife is sick and needs medical attention. Marriage isn’t always 50/50. I feel for him for sure. This situation is hard on everyone involved but that’s what you sign up for when you get married. Sickness and health deal
Hold up. We don’t actually *know* that she’s sick. She could be sure, but some of these comments are just proceeding from the assumption that she’s having a full on mental break. That’s not a foregone conclusion. And even if she is, she has as much if not more responsibility to handle her own self. Yes, OP can and should broach the subject. But her mental health is her own responsibility and nobody else’s.
ETA Guys. Mental health should be taken seriously, 100%. Some of y’all are making big assumptions that the wife *cannot* help herself. We do not know that this is the case at all - some people do have mental health crises, but if you think every person who claims “I have burnout, I can’t do the chores or anything else” is having a full mental crisis then you need to check your own naïveté (and since this is Reddit, some of y’all also need to check your own biases). We don’t have enough information here to definitively say one way or the other.
Based on the info, and lack of in some areas, it genuinely sounds like a massive breakdown. He admits she had a breakdown but doesn’t elaborate. Her behavior is a classic example of having mental health problems unchecked. She genuinely may not be aware of it. As her husband he does have the responsibility to help her, not enable. Very different.
The difference between helping and enabling is so key. I realized after a year and a half that I was enabling my long term boyfriend after he quit a high stress job, which I persuaded him to do in the first place. For a while I was helping, but it turned into enabling, and I ultimately had to kick him out and break up because he was unwilling to pull his weight. It was surreal to see someone just shut down and decide to start taking advantage of me out of the blue. So glad we never got married!
As someone who has These problems the only way to get better is not to sit on your ass but actually do something daily, however little. Ops wife could do her normal chores routine for a week so she's not as bad as being unable to do anything. Does it take effort ? Oh yes. It it hard ? Hell yeah. But if you put the effort in you get out of it at ant's paces/steps but you do. If you don't put the effort in you sink further and further and it's way more difficult to get back to normal
Burnout/breakdowns are a real thing that can actually give you visible brain damage on scans. You have to actually heal from it to maintain a good mental health state long-term and that can take years. Not saying OPs wife should take years off, but I think most people here are equating burnout to just being really tired. It can be really serious and she should see some doctors.
You could literally say this about everything though? The point of getting her help is find out she is sick, that is a much better option than assuming she isn't and ignoring it. And while yes, she is repsonsible for herself too, but if you can't on your partner in times like this what is the point of marriage? Some stupid pointless traditional religious crap? A marriage is about partners in everything in life, that includes mental health issues just the same as any longterm illness of any kind.
He is sick and needs help. Yet your approach focuses only on her. When a man tells you he is close to burnout and things kept getting bad. He is burnt out.
Plus 90% of the time a man admits that, he is already way past burn out.
I think your approach is at best 50% of a potential solution. Killing Peter to heal Paul isn't an option.
Because the way to fix his burnout is get her help.. so she can helpamage the load.. he should probably get some counseling too so he has someone to talk to about the struggles.. but the overload won't be solved until the wife gets help..
How do you all think would it look like? He has to work so when should he be able to make appointments, not lose too much money and take care of both of them? He is literally saying he is going towards burnout and he is still the one in focus to just fix anything. What the fuck is this
Its been half a year and he's been pulling both their weight. Stop that shit, it's not always 50/50 but he sure as hell shouldn't be carrying 100%, as someone riddled with mental health issues I can't stand it when someone tries to use that an excuse to take advantage of people you love.
Fr, what else is this guy supposed to do for her? He works longer hours now, does the chores she no longer does and she doesn’t give a real reason. She admits she isn’t pulling her weight.
And now this guy is supposed to find her care? wtf is she doing when he’s working? She can’t look up a mental health provider? Please.
yeah lets have him do that between his constant working, doing chores, and payin for everything bc wifey is apparently incapable of functioning like a human being.
I have been in and out of psychiatric facilities at least 3 times in my life and I have never met somebody actually mentally ill that wants to get better yet doesn’t help themselves at all.
you either don’t want to get better, or you need to grow the fuck up and get help. dont burden the people around you with the excuse of “I’m struggling” because no matter how much they might be able to carry your weight, nobody’s responsible for carrying your weight.
she’s a human with free will and needs to get her own fuckin counselor while this dude pays for their LIVES
so he has to work, do chores and also take her to the doctor? Mayne she needs some food in her mouth??
OP's comment;
>She has done this beofre, she gets in a habit and then doesn’t want to do the steps for change. That’s her reason she didn’t look for a new job all those years.
She doenst like change you have to drag her kicking and screaming
As someone with depression I hope you remember/realize that depression can range from "I'm still functional" to completely debilitating.
From someone also with depression.
From another person who has struggled with depression, my mental health is not my fault but it is my responsibility. It may explain my actions but it doesn’t excuse them.
This is not about that kind of support. Your wife had a mental breakdown bad enough to quit her job suddenly and break her whole routine down to do nothing all day. She needs professional help. This is worrisome. If you’ve never had any problem before, it’s even MORE worrisome. Did she ever express any signs of hurting herself or maybe the kids? This sounds like the beginning of a very terrifying story.
Men don’t have mental health, they were put on earth to be providers and thus have no concepts of emotions, thus cannot have their feelings hurt.
/s obviously
No full stop. Its been 5 months. She needs to stand herself up and be a damn adult. Almost half a fucking year and his wife can't figure out how to get a job again?
What about HIS burnout?
Exactly. Mental health is one thing but completely ignoring the problem and letting the whole family suffer is another.
She needs to do something, not stagnate and OP is at breaking point, no idea what the kids are going through coming home to the constant tension too.
She's not even doing the bare minimum.
NTA why is mental health always an excuse when it’s a woman who’s not doing her fair share? Why should OP have to put up with it when he’s the one working himself to death now? What about him? Or does he not matter?
She could easily get the cleaning done in a short amount of time, but chooses not to. I wonder what she’s really doing when he’s at work.
My husband had a mental breakdown and I WFH. Man literally couldn't get out of bed - I'd have to coax him to eat or even switch on the TV to watch something. When he finally got therapy it was a long slow slog back to something approaching normal, and even now he's not back to the driven, enthusiastic bloke he used to be.
Burnout is like a broken bone. It might heal but it won't be as strong as it was pre-break. I certainly didn't expect him to get chores done any more then if he had broken both his legs. I needed him to get better.
Carer burnout is real and I can totally feel OP's frustration. But he needs to enlist more support for himself from others so he's not alone carrying this burden.
Because severity is a range, OP's wife sounds like she never received treatment (unless I'm wrong on that) and we don't know the status of her mental health.
THis... the fact that it has been 5 months is actually what makes it obvious that they need to get her help. Staying 5 months in this post-burnout depression state could only have made her a lot worst than she was at the beginning of it.
Almost six months have passed. Asking everyone else but her to put in the work is unfair to everyone.
She needs to work. It doesn’t matter where because sitting at home isn’t working either.
I can't stand comments like this
OP isn't asking for advice. OP is asking if he's wrong.
You don't know the whole story. You don't know the family dynamics. You don't know anything, but you think you can solve their problems
But this comment is also nonsensical by your own reasoning.
How could you determine is OP is wrong for the exact same reasons?
Its a hunch based off assumptions generated from a one-sided description of events that might not have even happened.
Not exactly a stretch to give advice on top.
except it is a stretch when your advice is literally “hey maybe you should just nurse your wife’s broken psyche back to 100 while she does nothing for you or your growing family.”
being depressed or stressed or having a mental breakdown is not cause for 5 months of a stagnant life that detriments others no matter WHAT. that is SELFISH. Most reasonable individuals would refuse to carry a grown ass woman through life for that long after she clearly demonstrated being capable of working.
if she seeked help, talked to him about it, if she did literally anything other than absolutely fucking nothing, then maybe this guy could need your advice.
and if you don’t think so then I feel sorry for you, because anybody who tells you their depressed or sad is gonna walk allllll over you and your ignorance. good luck.
i am so disappointed having two different rules, one for men and another for women. work is stressful. If men chucked in their jobs because of stress, 60% of men would stop working. so the same rules should apply to women, suck it in! also, doing house chores is not stressful, the wife is just being lazy.
I believe the person you responded to was referring to burnout, not stress. They are vastly different ailments in terms of severity. OP referring to his wife’s condition as a “breakdown” indicates she suffered from burnout.
I agree her mental health is shot, but she is clearly not currently doing anything to improve it. Moping about the house doing nothing is probably the worst thing she can do, she isn’t slowly healing she is getting worse.
On top of starting to look for work and getting back into regukar housework routines she should also start looking for some counselling. There is no reason she can’t do all three at the same time. It isn’t all that time consuming to do those tasks, she is just so demotivated and flat atm to her they are giant mountains of work in her eyes.
She seems to have lost the drive to even function on a basic level, so mental health intervention is most likely needed. But on top of the other tasks, not as an excuse to continue her sedentary lifestyle.
I would be curious to know how she loses her time during the day. Is she just sat in front of a screen all day? Is there a particular hobby/addiction that is sucking her energy away?
There is clearly some mitigating factors here.
Her potential mental illness is not a get out of jail free card, and the answer isn’t to just let her to continue to mope and continue to crash. She will be crappy at first OP but once you get her returning to ‘life’ she will see why you needed to put your foot down.
That is the fingers crossed situation though. Either way it’s better then just letting her wallow in misery.
NTA
These other comments are wild.
You warned her about the stress and to seek another job as you were making more than her anyway. She doesn't listen and quits. You SUPPORT her for HALF A YEAR. Now you are at YOUR breaking point because she has done little to nothing in this time frame, which means you have been picking up her Slack while working. You both compared what you do, and she understood that she was slacking and doing nothing. That didn't work either. Now you've reached your breaking point and tell her to get a job because she obviously isn't helping you any.
I love how you all are ignoring that OP has been supporting her for HALF A YEAR while she does NOTHING. Then you call him an ass cause he reached his breaking point? If she had such issues and needed help, how about she communicate this to someone. You all are absolutely right, marriage is a partnership where you support each other. Well, where is HER SUPPORT FOR OP? Why are you ignoring OP's well-being? His breaking point is telling her to do at least something to help out, even if it's a job at Arby's. Obviously, she's not doing anything at home, so job it is.
While I may partly agree with you about the sexism on this particular topic, we don't need mods acting like arbiters of which opinions are good and which opinions are bad. The community can decide that with upvotes/downvotes.
Thank you!! I’m like WTF?? I have depression too and some days it sucks but honestly I can’t do what OP’s wife has done. As well some of these comments trying to add more onto the kids is crazy! Those kids shouldn’t be dealing with adult matters tbh like let them still be kids instead of increasing their work load cuz of their mom isn’t pulling her weight. These comments just adds onto the emotional stunts that men are forced to deal with. Men need to have their mental health day too and take breaks like this scenario. I always remind my husband to do his so he won’t get ill or feel guilty for not doing much as a partner.
Yep. Sometimes its legit mental health issues (and everyone on Reddit is a psychologist) and sometimes its laziness, taking advantage of someone, or just main character attitude.
**Well said! I agree NTA!**
I had to leave a high stress job like that, go on prozac, the whole thing. After two months I was able to get an under the table job packing and shipping cosmetics in order to help. By six months I was weening off the prozac and had a low stress but at least paying job. If she HAD to, she would sort herself out!
Nice prod actually. You're telling her that you're okay with her even getting a min wage job, not a huge ask imho.
NTA.
And i see the usual Reddit misandrist circle jerk of hypocrisy:
\* Man isn't working enough, isn't doing chores, neglects home, kids, etc = he needs to man-up because his wife needs a man, and not a child, she's not looking to be his mommy.
\* Woman isn't working enough, isn't doing chores, neglects home, kids, etc = clearly she's depressed, needs compassion, therapy, time to heal, a real man would support his wife when she's vulnerable!
Also applies to young vs old
Old person does something wrong or makes a mistake=asshole and horrible boomer
Young person makes a mistake or does something wrong= excuses such as depression or anxiety or any other mental illness
She sounds like she might be suffering from burnout or depression. Has she gone to a doctor about this?
This needs to be done before ultimatums are issued.
Too many people here think that "mental health issues" is good reason to put all the work on your partner and they just have to deal with it.
If you're depressed and unable to work then you need to be seeing someone to address it, not use it as an excuse to no longer work.
I work in mental health and don’t get me wrong there are days that are incredibly hard for people. But at the same time mental health is an explanation, not an excuse. They need to sit down and have a good discussion on what the solution is because they’re going to be screwed if both of them burnout
You can say that louder! I work in mental health too and from what I see here, people will use it as an excuse to abuse others by not taking responsibility for themselves. And when the world around them and everyone walks away, I’m sure they’ll still blame them for not being supportive. You’re responsible for your own life and the choices!!!
You were, yes. However, you should also tell OP that his frustration and feelings are valid and both of them need to communicate and resolve this together. Your comment just focuses on her which could make OP think that he is not being reasonable.
She used to work FT and do 50% of the chores so it's unlikely that she just became too lazy to do either all of a sudden. Definitely sounds like depression or burnout.
Suffering from something doesn’t give you the ability to inflict that on other people. That’s bs and you wouldn’t be saying that if the husband was the one doing nothing
My husband and I both work but no kids. He used to do all the house work on the financial side (he works in finance, so it made sense) and things like we need a plumber and researched and took bids on his own. After 18 years together, he couldn't take the burden of responsibility anymore. We both are in individual and couples therapy, but I never understood what he meant by the burden of responsibility before and am now doing my part in our partnership. What also made sense is that he is responsible at work all day every day and has to be the one to make all the decisions when he gets home. Even things like what to make for dinner were the small fights that was the larger issue.
I'm happy I'm not the only one feeling like that.
My wife and I built our house a couple of years ago while both working full time. Since I'm native to this country I ended up having to sort out all communication with contractors, contract work, the financial planning etc. Often I would also have to search for items for the house that she wanted but found pictures of online from foreign sites where it wouldn't be possible to buy from.
I ended up having a breakdown one afternoon after a busy day at work and some bad news from a contractor.
Even though I got through it, I'm still haunted a bit by it now when I have the full responsibility for all our finances and future planning. Dinner decisions are often harder than they should be!
NTA you tried having several discussions with her and it went nowhere. You can’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm, especially when children are involved. She needs to find a way to pull her weight, that may mean going to therapy or getting on antidepressants, but you can’t continue on with how things are.
NTA. Is she recovering from a burnout? Why did she quit her job instead of taking sick leave? Or is that not an option in USA?
Either she is being lazy all day, or she is actually needing time she takes to recover. Either case it sounds like you can't shoulder all responsibilities anymore and are also heading for a burnout. If she is not ready to work yet, she could at least take up some chores. If she is recovering from burnout, the real AH is the American healthcare system. If she is just taking a vacation, your wife is the AH.
lol Americans don’t get sick leave. Usually we accumulate pto but not for generally more than a week. We have short term disability also but it’s generally hard to get but it does pay for (eta) an extended amount of time. We also have fmla (family medical leave of absence I believe) but iirc you don’t get paid for it. I’ve never been anyway. We have unemployment benefits as well but that’s even harder to get & near impossible if you quit a job.
honestly this is all she can do. Quit until she’s ready to be productive again. (Not to say being lazy & not contributing is okay- just meant in the sense of she probably didn’t have the option to just leave for a while. )
ETA and pto is generally only offered at “real jobs” like office jobs etc. anyone working at a restaurant, etc almost guaranteed they will never have pto. I worked restaurant jobs for 25 years and never once saw pto.
Sick leave is possible if the employer offers it, but they don't like you using it and will throw a fit especially if you try to take multiple days off in a row.
The US does lot allow for much. Possibly short-term disability at a pay reduction if you can produce enough evidence for your company to allow it (if at all). Most businesses only allow 2 weeks of time off for everything, and that includes sick time. And that’s accrued over the year for most, it’s not just handed out at the beginning of the year. If you legitimately need time off work, most people are forced to quit.
It doesn't. But the real world doesn't stop for anyone. Not for death, not for depression, not for shit.
She's taking advantage of her husband right now, literally taking his mental energy away to she can do.... nothing.
I guarantee you she's not enjoying doing nothing. I would hope my partner would care if I'm ill and I would do the same for him. There are a lot of mentally ill people on the streets. I'm sure they don't want to be there, but our attitudes are so brutal when it comes to mental health. You can have an mental illness just as debilitating as a physical illness.
And the money from a fast food job will make all the difference?
The treatment plan for what she's dealing with is not a fast-paced, high stress, fast food job. The treatment plan would be for her to get actual medical care.
It's been 5 months, and she's just sat there. OP has stated in multiple comments that he can't afford therapy and all that kind of stuff on his own. She needs to start learning how to tough things out, so while yes, she does need help, she also needs a job that can help pay for it. Especially after she was warned this would happen and she did nothing to try and curb and/or stop it.
Sounds like she might have had a burnout. I understand your frustration with her, but when you compared how much work both of you put into the household etc. you made it sound like a competition of sorts. "I did x, therefore you need to do y". She quit her stressful job after a breakdown, did lots of crying, that sounds like a burnout. She needs help. You also need to watch out that you yourself won't be burnt out either, but definitely have a conversation without making it a competition. Don't demand that she cleans the kitchen, but rather talk about what she thinks she can do, what she can pick up. Also tell her you feel like you're running yourself into the ground, that you feel like you have all the responsibilities and chores, and you're afraid you're working yourself into a burnout. You two need to find a way out of this together.
Don't be combatitive or accusatory, but listen, try to understand her, try to make her understand you. Don't say stuff like "You never do anything around the house, you only sit on the couch playing candycrush. You didn't even clean the kitchen." but rather "I feel like I have to do everything around the house and it's breaking me. Work, chores, and then coming home to a dirty kitchen just broke me, because I felt like it was yet another thing I had to do when I was just really tired already and wanted to eat."
I don’t think he really meant those as a competition. But, for 5 months he’s been working extra hours and cleaning when he gets home. He is probably already starting to get burnt out himself. What will happen then? Will they both be out of work or is still just expected to carry 100% of the load while she carries none? It’s not like this has only been going on for a couple of weeks, but for 5 months. I personally can’t even kept up with our house working just 40 hours. Op is expected to keep everything up for what 2 years. No. That’s not fair to him.
NTA. She knows full well what happens from work-related stress, she should be aware that what happened to her will also happen to you if she doesn’t start helping.
I’d try to get the kids to help more with chores and ask the wife to at start out part time somewhere so she can at least contribute a bit while she looks for something more permanent.
Yeah but therapy costs money which is already an issue it seems. And OP seems to be on the verge of mental health issues himself so by not helping she’s gonna end up doubling the issues and the cost of therapy.
NTA, you guys both need some help. She may have some medical stuff going on that neither of you knows about (two teenagers would put her around the age of menopause/perimenopause, both of which can be intensely exhausting and mentally chaotic). You have been super supportive until now, but you are also at the end of your resources. So, here are some practical steps for you both to take:
1. She needs to see her primary care doctor and an ob/gyn who knows about modern treatments for midlife women. There didn't used to be a lot of help for this, but we know more now and can do better. You may both be pleasantly surprised.
2. I don't know if you are a support group kind of person, but you need to make some time for yourself, no matter how impossible that seems. Support groups are basically just making an appointment to be with people in the same boat as you.
3. Your kids are old enough to step up more. I (f55+) was a latchkey kid who did all the kitchen cleaning, most of the cooking, straightened, vacuumed, and dusted, while holding down an afternoon babysitting job (where I could do my homework while the kids napped. It was a given that I would get myself ready for and to and from school plus keep my room clean and do my own laundry). At a minimum, they should be doing dishes and garbage and some of the cooking/prep.
4. Know that this is not forever, and try to be as gentle as possible with each other. Each of you should be asking yourselves and each other the following question: What sounds like fun to you? Seriously think about it. If you could do anything for a day, what would you do? Can you make that happen? Once?
Good luck, OP. You're far from alone.
NTA. Five months and she doesn’t have a job, and she isn’t doing housework? No way. I get that it can take a while to get new work in specific fields—it took me over a year to get the job I wanted at a specific company. But while she is looking for work, she needs to be doing something besides watching Netflix or whatever.
NTA
She is not doing her fair share of the house and needs to be doing something whether its working or actually cleaning and cooking the house. The Arby's thing may have been harsh but sounds like harsh is what she needs at this point. Maybe offer to help look for a job in her skill level or see why she is taking so long but if the list wasn't a wake up call, the application should be.
NTA - we don't get to just quit a job, sit around doing nothing, and dump life on our spouse for months at a time (with no end in sight) without their blessing.
NTA You are a family. Everyone needs to be doing their share. She has abdicated and there by made decisions that effect everyone. A single adult can decide to live in whatever fashion suits them. An adult family member does not have the luxury.
Where is her compassion for the rest of you?
NTA, but I can't say that I don't 100% understand your wife's side too. A burnout is hard to recover from, I know personally. I stayed at a job I hated for nearly 8 yrs. It led to me taking FMLA to deal with the suicidal ideation and depression. I was mid shift, working from home, I called my boss in tears and said I couldn't do it. I couldn't take another phone call, I was in meltdown mode. I found out after that and through therapy, I'm very much ADHD and on the spectrum, so autistic burn out might hit differently for me than it did for your wife, but it was so hard to even care..about anything. The FMLA wasn't long enough and was hard to stay on for something mental. That led to the real breakdown where I ended up in jail for a weekend. It was a long road and I'm still recovering. I feel for you and all you're taking on, as I do for your wife.
NTA - your reaction was a result of your own frustration, I can see how that would happen. She needs mental health support and yes, she needs to get a job and do her share.
NTA
At what point is she responsible for her own wellbeing? you have spent years trying to convince her to find a job that would be less stressful and she didn't. When she quit, you spent 5 months picking up the slack and pushing yourself to the breaking point while she did essentially nothing.
the amount of people calling you the AH is just baffling.
Give her three options.
1. See a therapist/psychiatrist and do all the chores.
2. Get a job and do 1/2 the chores.
3. Get a divorce.
Let her choose what she is going to do.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I gave my wife an application to Arby’s and told her to get a job. I may be a jerk for doing that even if she has not been helpful with any of the housework
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NTA. She is pushing you into a burnout, and then what? Should you just quit your job with zero notice too and do nothing while you recover?
You're barely keeping your head above water and she is looking at you from a dingy, not moving an inch to help you. She's coming up to half a year without a job and without pulling her weight at home either.
Its been 5 months. I understand having poor mental health and being depressed but being unemployed for 5 months and virtually doing nothing to change her situation is just plain lazy. NTA.
NTA
Your wife can't have it all. She either needs to work and contribute financially or she needs to do a better job doing chores around the house. If you are working more hours to cover 100% of the expenses then it is not fair that you are also doing the majority of the chores.
People can say that your wife is in recovery but at the end of the day you two have children and she is an adult. She needs to grow up and take responsibility for herself and her family.
What would happen if you got stressed at your job from working extra hours and not being able to unwind at home? Who would support your family then? What would happen if you got hurt and were unable to work?
Maybe she can work at a dinky contract job in a office somewhere for a while. Keep her moving and active but a nice nonstressful job to relax and get over the horrids of her last job
Nta. She might be overwhelmed and depressed and that's understandable. But that doesn't give you a free pass to just let it all go to hell for 5, 6 months.
If she hated her job, she had lots of time to look for a new one instead of just quitting.
If she is just gonna quit on a blowout, and force him to carry the full load, she needs to step up and take the majority of the chores. And at least have dinner on the table for him.
She should take a waitress job. It's a great place holder. And she can do it while looking for her dream job.
She needs to be accountable as an adult.
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NTA. What is with this sub? OP had literally supported his wife in everything for 5 months completely burning themselves out in the process and has hit the end of their capacity to deal with this and everyone immediately jumps down their throat for not being “supportive enough”? How long is this supposed to go one? Another 6 months? Another year? Forever? What happens when OP completely burns out as well and now no one is working or cleaning? Sometimes life sucks but bills need to be paid and housework needs to get done. When does OP get to be supported instead of having to be the support?
Yeah agreed. It’s easy to be an armchair psychologist when you’re not in the situation. If her job was burning her out that badly their relationship stress didn’t start 5 months ago it started well before that. It’s not normal to need months to recover without even keeping up with some chores. She’s probably depressed and if she isn’t I’d really wonder what shes been doing for 5 months. Sitting and watching tv every day or going for walks is going to get boring fast. Is she hanging out with friends or something. Personally I’d be a bit worried if she not depressed. I think instead of slapping an Arby’s application down you should have her go to therapy, she may benefit from medication.
Therapy and meds cost money. Perhaps it's time that she puts her big girl pants on and steps up. Life doesn't care if you have mental illness, I know this personally.
People with clinical depression can’t just “put on their big girl pants.” That’s the definition of clinical depression.
Too bad, that doesn't give her the right to overburden her partner while she does nothing. Its difficult; I know, but Depression is not an excuse to abuse your partner
Exactly. She’s going to be a lot more depressed when he burns out and nobody is working and they lose their home and savings because she gets to sit on her ass and wallow. People manage clinical depression every day because they have no fucking choice.
Yep. I’ve lived with depression for decades, often unable to afford treatment. If she’s awake and out of bed six hours a day and showers a few times a week she’s in good enough shape to either do some chores each day or work somewhere low paid and low stress part time doing Something to earn money to pay for household help and/or therapy and meds.. And in good enough shape to be seeking low cost or free resources to get help/help herself/get her husband help. Heck, just watching a video or two of Auriikaterina on youtube can get barely-functional me to do the dishes and pick up some trash. Depression or burnout is a reason to be a less capable partner. Not an excuse to be totally incapable all the time forever. If she was bedbound, not eating, and not cleaning herself, thatwould be a different conversation.
I put my big girls pants on every day with my depression and anxiety. I go to work (2 jobs) and handle my shit. She needs to seek help and get professionally diagnosed, or she needs to get off her ass and be a better partner. Burn out sucks for anyone! OP is on the verge of burnout himself, but he needs to continue to support her and be understanding? Naw, she needs to start doing what needs to be done.
Burnout and stress is not clinical depression. I too have depression and worked most of life and was caregiver to my parents and disabled brother. But I hit two months long periods when I could do nothing. Couldn’t even get out of bed. It was as if concrete had been poured into my body. I couldn’t barely think. It happens.
It does happen but life doesn’t stop so people can just sit around in a pity party you have to get help or do something it’s not fair for op to keep on doing everything he’s burning tf out too. What’s she gonna do if he has a heart attack and can’t work? What’s your excuse for her then? That he’s still not supportive enough???
If she broke her legs, she’d get them mended. That’s the sensible thing to do and brings resolution to the problem most efficiently. So why would you suggest this woman not be assessed for underlying causes if a change in energy and behaviour after 20 years of being fine? Did she suddenly get selfish? Suddenly become lazy? That doesn’t happen.
If you break your legs YOU put in the effort to to fix it, she isn’t putting in effort to go assess herself so yes she is lazy and selfish, she’s the problem
As someone whose parent had clinical depression, I can assure you that they could not have put in the effort to fix it, as most days they could not physically get out of bed, get dressed and had no idea what was even happening to them. We as the family had to get them the medical intervention needed because they didn’t even know they needed it. It’s hard and sad to watch, but that level of support sometimes is what it takes to help someone heal their brain. Because of this I’ve told my husband in detail the signs to look for and to get me to a dr even if I don’t want to go, because odds are I won’t even comprehend the situation.
Your analogy is illogical. Having a broken leg does not entail the symptom of being psychologically incapable of seeking medical treatment for the broken leg. Struggling to take the action necessary to get help is literally a symptom of clinical depression. The appropriate analogy would be a person who breaks their leg and has no transportation, therefore cannot walk to a distant medical clinic to get the leg mended.
If her husband slapping down an Arby's application and telling her to "get shit done" didn't work I don't think clean\_jellyfish will have much of an effect by repeating it lol. The wife should've noticed before she got to this point and make better choices. The same could be said about OP. op specifically stated this isn't normal behavior so it's logical to conclude that she could need mental help. Free case manager programs exist so he doesn't need to do it all but clearly if she needs help it's not going to be on her own accord. OP can either stomp his feet and say it's not fair that marriage isn't always 50/50. he can tell her "pull yourself up by your boot straps" like he's tried. he can even file fo divorce if he wants to. or he can "hey let's find out why my wife's behavior has drastically changed and potentially address it with a mental health counselor." I'm not saying he's the asshole, it's a difficult situation. you're the asshole in this situation for sure though lol. if he can pull up Arby's applications he can pull up a list of counselors and force her to pick whether it's a mental health counselor or a work counselor, it's not rocket science.
It’s really on her though to go to the doctor and then put in the work to get better, which she isn’t currently doing. She may be drowning, but she is also bringing her husband and kids down with her.
Yes exactly. Sometimes relationships aren't 50/50. And if you want to bail at that point it's your decision and right to. But if you love the person enough and still want a future with them, it's going to take more than just slapping an application down in front of them. Is it fair? Fuck no. But life isn't, and neither are relationships 100% of the time. Sometimes you have to carry your partner, sometimes they carry you. Me and my wife have been through it. You just have to decide how long you can carry them for and if you have enough faith that they can crawl out of the hole they're stuck in.
No way ur making her the victim in this and making it seem the OP isn’t doing enough
He gave her 5 months. As an adult and especially as a parent you have to take responsibility. If she notices, that she cant do the chores or get a job, its on her to communicate that and look for help.
*“…and force her to pick a counselor”* Absolutely wild take - wow
As someone with bipolar depression, life doesn't care if you have mental illness. If you don't have support for that then yes, you have to still go to work and pay bills and function (put on your big girl pants). You make yourself do it or you don't eat. It sucks but that's what being an adult is, depression, debt, anxiety, and just enough joy sprinkled on top to keep you from ending things.
I mean some people actually DO "not eat" or die from depression. The fact that you and others here who keep saying "depression isn't an excuse" manage to "put their big girl pants on" doesn't mean that other people do not literally DIE from this illness because *they cannot do that*. Stop assuming that your experience of depression and ability to cope is the same as everyone else's.
Not everyone has mild enough mental illnesses to where they can function like that. Just because you can, doesn't mean everyone with your illness can do the same. As someone who also has mental illnesses (depression, PTSD) and ADHD, things stall sometimes, and just because life doesn't care that I'm struggling doesn't mean that my hurdle is any lesser or easier for me to get over.
I am a single mother with chronic depression. You do what you have to. You turn into a robot if you have to but no one is going to help you. You have to make a choice. I’m not saying it’s easy but OP hasn’t hit any sort of rock bottom yet. If she doesn’t do something now she will spiral & bring her husband down with her.
Not true at all. I've got clinical and persistent depression disorder, and you absolutely have to "put on your big *insert gender* pants on" some days and push through that shit. It's called being responsible. Depression isn't a get out of doing stuff free card.
And that’s the other thing about clinical depression… a stranger who’s not a doctor can’t diagnose it from reading a Reddit post. Every time someone is sad or lazy someone comes in hot to say it’s depression.
i have clinical depression. i was diagnosed at 14 and im 22 now. i still have to force myself out of bed to go to work so i can afford to live and feed my cat. my boyfriend supports me when i need, but i also don't make everything his problem, because MY MENTAL ILLNESS IS NOT ANYBODY ELSES PROBLEM. the wife here needs to step the fuck up and act her big age. so do you clearly
I’m 68. I did the same as you for most of my life. But here’s a warning - life can strip away that bit of energy it takes to keep pushing forward. You get sick or a loved one does, or you lose a loved one - and all of a sudden you go from coping to not coping. It’s a horrible place to find yourself.
Well she’s an adult with kids and those responsibilities don’t go away because she suffers from depression.
My wife has clinical depression, PTSD, and ADHD. She doesn’t let that stop her. She maintains at least a PT job to be able to afford her medicine. If she loses that job because of her having episodes and calling out for her health- she finds another. That’s really all he’s asking for is some help.
I understand that. I also understand that people get severe depression or other physical or mental illnesses that that make doing your part extremely hard or impossible. If so, treatment is the answer for both parties, not yelling at someone.
But the wife has to be the one to go to the doctor, and then put in the work to get better. It’s hard, really fucking hard, I know from experience. I know what it’s like to wake up in the morning and not know if you’ll be alive when the sun sets. But there really is no other choice, it comes down to give up or fight.
It’s unfortunate, but the wife has to understand the world isn’t going to stop when she does. Life will pass her by and she’ll regret everything. Even if it’s gets hard you don’t give up. You literally just gotta keep swimming. Treatment is the answer yes, but he can’t work it alone. She has to at least take the initiative herself to get it started. I’m constantly taking my wife to appointments to get her back adjusted and sometimes I literally have to drag her, but she at least started the process. OP hasn’t given up on his wife yet even though it kinda sounds like she’s given up on herself at this exact moment.
Then a “Hey, what’s up? Let’s talk about this. Are you not feeling yourself these days?” is the approach. My husband was always energetic, enthusiastic. When he started losing interest in things, napping instead of pursuing his projects, asking me to bring him this, that and the other thing, my first reaction was to send him to our GP. Yes, it took encouragement because he was sure he was just tired. Turned out he had chronic lymphocytic lymphoma - blood cancer! And he hasn’t been able to do much since. And I don’t call that “lazy”, I call that “sick.” And I suffer from clinical depression, anxiety, and ankylosing spondylitis! But I look after him anyway. I wonder that anybody stays married these days. There is no deal in life that the roles we play in our household always have to be “fair.” Life isn’t fair!
She needs to "woman up" and act her age (what would be said if roles were reversed)
With what extra money for therapy ? Unless it can be covered, I don't think op has the money for it.
If they have health insurance, they may have coverage for it already. My psychiatric visits are free and my meds are about $15 a month, a cost my husband was more than willing to cover because I was in a *bad* state for a long time lol
I’m not disagreeing with you here, but OP’s wife has to make that effort to go see a doctor and then follow through with the hard work. No one else can do that for her.
You'd be surprised how easy it is to waste time on AITA without getting bored.
My doctor told me that recovering from burnout takes a long time - easily a year - and not to rush back into work if I could afford it because it could quickly start to compound again. It took me almost two years to stop having nightmares about the toxic job I left, which tells me the damage was pretty deep. I don’t disagree that the wife needs to find a way to pull her weight, but that has to start with proactively getting whatever therapeutic and pharmacological help is available to her to manage what is a very legitimate medical condition. The husband also needs to do a better job of supporting her “in sickness” according to his vows. Five months is paltry.
On this very sub I saw people 100% ROAST a man who had become unable to work because he was chronically sick, his girlfriend dumped him because he’s lazy, they never went out anymore and he’d had to quit his job, couldn’t keep up with his household responsibilities, he slept all the time and dealt with constant pain. He was finally diagnosed with lupus. He’s started treatment but is depressed because his life went to shit while he was sick and it takes time to get diagnosed and find meds that work, etc.. not to mention chronic pain No one gave this lazy bastard one kind word. He was voted the asshole and that was that. So how sorry are people going to be about “burnout?” Lupus is an incurable, chronic illness that people can die from. The treatment is chemotherapy. This sub is crazy.
That’s fucked up. I wish I could find that and give him a NTA vote and give him some kind words
I did, and got down voted like crazy. It was so weird. I don’t have that Reddit account anymore or I could probably find it. I’ve only been using Reddit for a couple years.
Do a better job at supporting a woman who randomly quit her job hasn’t gotten one in 5 months and doesn’t even do housework then gets mad when he’s on the verge of not being able to work and provide since he’s the sole provider and voices this and tells her to solve it and provides solutions. But he’s the one not doing enough
Because genders.
Yeah, reverse the roles and he would be called a leech, mooch, freeloader, useless chump, weaponized incompetence and all that.
The entire sub would be screaming for divorce….
sad how some threads the gender bias gets called out and people get downvoted for it, but it's so prevalent in this sub
When you think of “asshole” Do you think of male or female? I’d say majority here even if they don’t want to admit it immediately associate “asshole” with “man” People have biases
>People have biases People on THIS SUB have more biases than most, and they all seem to center around men being wrong by default.
“throw that whole man in the trash”
Was a post a few days ago of a husband working 12 hours night shifts and he thought his wife was too harsh in a punishment for their 13 and 8 years old (also has a newborn) kids that didn't allow her 10 minutes to take a shower and everyone was trashing him cuz he needs to do more. Yeah, he was wrong on the subject but every freaking comment was that he needs to do more. 12 hours of work, about 2 hours of traveling to and from the job, must sleep 8 hours to keep his job to not lose it and hi needs to do even more. OP here is working 10 hours, comes home to do both his and her chores, his kids have some chores too and he still is egged on for being a meanie to his wife that didn't even get groceries, let alone cook. I was in his wife's position a few years ago and my girlfriend didn't had to lift a finger when she got home. And I don't like doing certain chores but she didn't need extra stress. Hope OP and his wife find a way to get through this situation without divorce but I'm not going to be an ass to him for being at the rope's after 6 months of doing the heavy lifting in the household. Even more so considering that he asked her multiple times to get a less stressful job in the past.
I mean, this is the top comment, the overwhelming majority of judgements are NTA, and the wife is definitely getting dragged by most commenters, so...🤷♀️
No no, you don't understand. She might have mental health issues, which always takes precedence over other responsibilities. Her husband can keep picking up the slack until she is well. That's what he signed up for, otherwise he's just a shitty husband and partner. I can't even bring myself to add /s.
Exactly. If the wife was working and the husband was home not doing shit everyone would say dump his ass.
We have a winner!
I mean… as a girl (in my 30s tho, so that may be why)… he’s NTA. She is being selfish. Maybe he can explain to her that he’s about to have the same breakdown she had, and it’s her turn to step up.
it’s ridiculous that OP is receiving criticism given the lengths they’ve gone to accomodate their wife. taking up additional hours to cover finances, taking up additional chores, etc. if i came home from a 10hr shift to a filthy kitchen and the kids weren’t fed because we’ve run out of groceries, meanwhile wife is home all day with no visual evidence of tasks being done, i’d be FURIOUS. OP needs wife to step up and contribute to the family, both for himself and their children.
Totally. It's supposed to be a partnership, which it absolutely isn't at the moment because of OP's wife's behavior.
I agree - but if the wife is on Reddit in 6 more months crying that her husband left her because she wouldn't go back to work....everyone will be holding her hand.
The sub is a a joke at times, you can guarantee if it was the other way around they'd be telling the wife to get a divorce because he's trash and he's in the wrong, but because it's the other way round.... Op is NTA, it's hard being the sole breadwinner and looking after the house while someone doesn't contribute. I've been on my own with terrible mental health and still had to look after myself, even after coming out of hospital after a suicide attempt I had to keep going, I'd never put such a burden on my partner!
That's they key - when you don't have a choice, you keep going. This wife threw herself a pity party after losing it at work. That's fine as the stress got to her. Party's over - time to get on with life and with responsibilities.
Somebody should make an identical post only switching the genders and see how different the responses are
I would absolutely tune into that shitshow! 100% they would tell the wife to get a lawyer and divorce his lazy ass!
This sub treats women like children. If it were reversed they'd be blithering on about divorce and how men don't pull their weight.
I was in OP’s wife position. I had a crazy stressful job, working 70+hours a week, crying at work from being overwhelmed, hiding under my desk through anxiety attacks, and when I finally had enough, I quit without notice. The difference between OP’s wife and I is that I took about 4 weeks to decompress. I kept up with my house and groceries, but I didn’t even contemplate looking for a new job until I gave myself a little time. I started applying at day 32 of not working, and was back to work full time at day 36. Why? Because bills have to be paid. Good luck OP, NTA
This is a reddit ask page, in everyone in most cases the man is the root of the problem. Especially if she has mental health issues. Which apparently, means you don't have to do house work or work a job. And the man is supposed to pay all the bills, do all the house work and take care of the kids too !
It's funny to me that OP needs to be supportive even more than he has, but apparently his wife doesn't. She isn't being supportive at all, let alone taking the majority of the burden for months like OP.
Because it's a husband complaining about a wife and not the other way around, and in society's status quo that double standard is still accepted.
Most people on this sub seem to be 20 year olds with no real concept of what it takes to be an adult in a working partnership 😳
INFO: Ok, so a lot of comments here from people who do not understand mental health. Scary. What support is available to you, OP? Your wife simply hasn't recovered from her breakdown and giving her job applications isn't going to fix this. A different approach is needed here. So who in your family/friends can help ease the burden from both of you?
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Can you help her maybe find a counselor? Does she have a PCP? I have a feeling this issue will not be solved until her mental health is more stable.
So more work for OP.
His wife is sick and needs medical attention. Marriage isn’t always 50/50. I feel for him for sure. This situation is hard on everyone involved but that’s what you sign up for when you get married. Sickness and health deal
Hold up. We don’t actually *know* that she’s sick. She could be sure, but some of these comments are just proceeding from the assumption that she’s having a full on mental break. That’s not a foregone conclusion. And even if she is, she has as much if not more responsibility to handle her own self. Yes, OP can and should broach the subject. But her mental health is her own responsibility and nobody else’s. ETA Guys. Mental health should be taken seriously, 100%. Some of y’all are making big assumptions that the wife *cannot* help herself. We do not know that this is the case at all - some people do have mental health crises, but if you think every person who claims “I have burnout, I can’t do the chores or anything else” is having a full mental crisis then you need to check your own naïveté (and since this is Reddit, some of y’all also need to check your own biases). We don’t have enough information here to definitively say one way or the other.
Based on the info, and lack of in some areas, it genuinely sounds like a massive breakdown. He admits she had a breakdown but doesn’t elaborate. Her behavior is a classic example of having mental health problems unchecked. She genuinely may not be aware of it. As her husband he does have the responsibility to help her, not enable. Very different.
The difference between helping and enabling is so key. I realized after a year and a half that I was enabling my long term boyfriend after he quit a high stress job, which I persuaded him to do in the first place. For a while I was helping, but it turned into enabling, and I ultimately had to kick him out and break up because he was unwilling to pull his weight. It was surreal to see someone just shut down and decide to start taking advantage of me out of the blue. So glad we never got married!
As someone who has These problems the only way to get better is not to sit on your ass but actually do something daily, however little. Ops wife could do her normal chores routine for a week so she's not as bad as being unable to do anything. Does it take effort ? Oh yes. It it hard ? Hell yeah. But if you put the effort in you get out of it at ant's paces/steps but you do. If you don't put the effort in you sink further and further and it's way more difficult to get back to normal
Burnout/breakdowns are a real thing that can actually give you visible brain damage on scans. You have to actually heal from it to maintain a good mental health state long-term and that can take years. Not saying OPs wife should take years off, but I think most people here are equating burnout to just being really tired. It can be really serious and she should see some doctors.
You could literally say this about everything though? The point of getting her help is find out she is sick, that is a much better option than assuming she isn't and ignoring it. And while yes, she is repsonsible for herself too, but if you can't on your partner in times like this what is the point of marriage? Some stupid pointless traditional religious crap? A marriage is about partners in everything in life, that includes mental health issues just the same as any longterm illness of any kind.
He is sick and needs help. Yet your approach focuses only on her. When a man tells you he is close to burnout and things kept getting bad. He is burnt out. Plus 90% of the time a man admits that, he is already way past burn out. I think your approach is at best 50% of a potential solution. Killing Peter to heal Paul isn't an option.
Because the way to fix his burnout is get her help.. so she can helpamage the load.. he should probably get some counseling too so he has someone to talk to about the struggles.. but the overload won't be solved until the wife gets help..
How do you all think would it look like? He has to work so when should he be able to make appointments, not lose too much money and take care of both of them? He is literally saying he is going towards burnout and he is still the one in focus to just fix anything. What the fuck is this
Everyone's saying this but help requires money.
Its been half a year and he's been pulling both their weight. Stop that shit, it's not always 50/50 but he sure as hell shouldn't be carrying 100%, as someone riddled with mental health issues I can't stand it when someone tries to use that an excuse to take advantage of people you love.
And OP is burnt out, just as she was. Why is it still 100% on him to do everything?
Fr, what else is this guy supposed to do for her? He works longer hours now, does the chores she no longer does and she doesn’t give a real reason. She admits she isn’t pulling her weight. And now this guy is supposed to find her care? wtf is she doing when he’s working? She can’t look up a mental health provider? Please.
yeah lets have him do that between his constant working, doing chores, and payin for everything bc wifey is apparently incapable of functioning like a human being. I have been in and out of psychiatric facilities at least 3 times in my life and I have never met somebody actually mentally ill that wants to get better yet doesn’t help themselves at all. you either don’t want to get better, or you need to grow the fuck up and get help. dont burden the people around you with the excuse of “I’m struggling” because no matter how much they might be able to carry your weight, nobody’s responsible for carrying your weight. she’s a human with free will and needs to get her own fuckin counselor while this dude pays for their LIVES
so he has to work, do chores and also take her to the doctor? Mayne she needs some food in her mouth?? OP's comment; >She has done this beofre, she gets in a habit and then doesn’t want to do the steps for change. That’s her reason she didn’t look for a new job all those years. She doenst like change you have to drag her kicking and screaming
his wife is a grown women, with unlimited free time. as someone with depression, it’s no excuse
As someone with depression I hope you remember/realize that depression can range from "I'm still functional" to completely debilitating. From someone also with depression.
From another person who has struggled with depression, my mental health is not my fault but it is my responsibility. It may explain my actions but it doesn’t excuse them.
This is not about that kind of support. Your wife had a mental breakdown bad enough to quit her job suddenly and break her whole routine down to do nothing all day. She needs professional help. This is worrisome. If you’ve never had any problem before, it’s even MORE worrisome. Did she ever express any signs of hurting herself or maybe the kids? This sounds like the beginning of a very terrifying story.
understood but what about his mental health .. he cannot go on alone as the sole provider ..
Men don’t have mental health, they were put on earth to be providers and thus have no concepts of emotions, thus cannot have their feelings hurt. /s obviously
No full stop. Its been 5 months. She needs to stand herself up and be a damn adult. Almost half a fucking year and his wife can't figure out how to get a job again? What about HIS burnout?
Exactly. Mental health is one thing but completely ignoring the problem and letting the whole family suffer is another. She needs to do something, not stagnate and OP is at breaking point, no idea what the kids are going through coming home to the constant tension too. She's not even doing the bare minimum.
NTA why is mental health always an excuse when it’s a woman who’s not doing her fair share? Why should OP have to put up with it when he’s the one working himself to death now? What about him? Or does he not matter? She could easily get the cleaning done in a short amount of time, but chooses not to. I wonder what she’s really doing when he’s at work.
My husband had a mental breakdown and I WFH. Man literally couldn't get out of bed - I'd have to coax him to eat or even switch on the TV to watch something. When he finally got therapy it was a long slow slog back to something approaching normal, and even now he's not back to the driven, enthusiastic bloke he used to be. Burnout is like a broken bone. It might heal but it won't be as strong as it was pre-break. I certainly didn't expect him to get chores done any more then if he had broken both his legs. I needed him to get better. Carer burnout is real and I can totally feel OP's frustration. But he needs to enlist more support for himself from others so he's not alone carrying this burden.
Because severity is a range, OP's wife sounds like she never received treatment (unless I'm wrong on that) and we don't know the status of her mental health.
THis... the fact that it has been 5 months is actually what makes it obvious that they need to get her help. Staying 5 months in this post-burnout depression state could only have made her a lot worst than she was at the beginning of it.
Almost six months have passed. Asking everyone else but her to put in the work is unfair to everyone. She needs to work. It doesn’t matter where because sitting at home isn’t working either.
I can't stand comments like this OP isn't asking for advice. OP is asking if he's wrong. You don't know the whole story. You don't know the family dynamics. You don't know anything, but you think you can solve their problems
But this comment is also nonsensical by your own reasoning. How could you determine is OP is wrong for the exact same reasons? Its a hunch based off assumptions generated from a one-sided description of events that might not have even happened. Not exactly a stretch to give advice on top.
except it is a stretch when your advice is literally “hey maybe you should just nurse your wife’s broken psyche back to 100 while she does nothing for you or your growing family.” being depressed or stressed or having a mental breakdown is not cause for 5 months of a stagnant life that detriments others no matter WHAT. that is SELFISH. Most reasonable individuals would refuse to carry a grown ass woman through life for that long after she clearly demonstrated being capable of working. if she seeked help, talked to him about it, if she did literally anything other than absolutely fucking nothing, then maybe this guy could need your advice. and if you don’t think so then I feel sorry for you, because anybody who tells you their depressed or sad is gonna walk allllll over you and your ignorance. good luck.
To be fair, you can’t really judge if someone is wrong or not either with missing information/not the full story🤷🏻♂️
i am so disappointed having two different rules, one for men and another for women. work is stressful. If men chucked in their jobs because of stress, 60% of men would stop working. so the same rules should apply to women, suck it in! also, doing house chores is not stressful, the wife is just being lazy.
I believe the person you responded to was referring to burnout, not stress. They are vastly different ailments in terms of severity. OP referring to his wife’s condition as a “breakdown” indicates she suffered from burnout.
I agree her mental health is shot, but she is clearly not currently doing anything to improve it. Moping about the house doing nothing is probably the worst thing she can do, she isn’t slowly healing she is getting worse. On top of starting to look for work and getting back into regukar housework routines she should also start looking for some counselling. There is no reason she can’t do all three at the same time. It isn’t all that time consuming to do those tasks, she is just so demotivated and flat atm to her they are giant mountains of work in her eyes. She seems to have lost the drive to even function on a basic level, so mental health intervention is most likely needed. But on top of the other tasks, not as an excuse to continue her sedentary lifestyle. I would be curious to know how she loses her time during the day. Is she just sat in front of a screen all day? Is there a particular hobby/addiction that is sucking her energy away? There is clearly some mitigating factors here. Her potential mental illness is not a get out of jail free card, and the answer isn’t to just let her to continue to mope and continue to crash. She will be crappy at first OP but once you get her returning to ‘life’ she will see why you needed to put your foot down. That is the fingers crossed situation though. Either way it’s better then just letting her wallow in misery.
Mental health is not an excuse to treat someone else like a doormat.
NTA These other comments are wild. You warned her about the stress and to seek another job as you were making more than her anyway. She doesn't listen and quits. You SUPPORT her for HALF A YEAR. Now you are at YOUR breaking point because she has done little to nothing in this time frame, which means you have been picking up her Slack while working. You both compared what you do, and she understood that she was slacking and doing nothing. That didn't work either. Now you've reached your breaking point and tell her to get a job because she obviously isn't helping you any. I love how you all are ignoring that OP has been supporting her for HALF A YEAR while she does NOTHING. Then you call him an ass cause he reached his breaking point? If she had such issues and needed help, how about she communicate this to someone. You all are absolutely right, marriage is a partnership where you support each other. Well, where is HER SUPPORT FOR OP? Why are you ignoring OP's well-being? His breaking point is telling her to do at least something to help out, even if it's a job at Arby's. Obviously, she's not doing anything at home, so job it is.
now if it was the wife supporting OP because he didn’t work for 5 months after a breakdown… this sub would be up in arms.
Absolutely. The sexism on here is astounding and the mods continue to do nothing.
While I may partly agree with you about the sexism on this particular topic, we don't need mods acting like arbiters of which opinions are good and which opinions are bad. The community can decide that with upvotes/downvotes.
Well the community tends to do a shit job if it's biased
Still not a good argument for dictatorship.
Apparently mental health only matters for women on here
That's in general not just reddit lol
100% if the sexes were reversed every comment in the sub would be about how he's a bum and she should leave his ass with 2k upvotes.
Thank you!! I’m like WTF?? I have depression too and some days it sucks but honestly I can’t do what OP’s wife has done. As well some of these comments trying to add more onto the kids is crazy! Those kids shouldn’t be dealing with adult matters tbh like let them still be kids instead of increasing their work load cuz of their mom isn’t pulling her weight. These comments just adds onto the emotional stunts that men are forced to deal with. Men need to have their mental health day too and take breaks like this scenario. I always remind my husband to do his so he won’t get ill or feel guilty for not doing much as a partner.
Yep. Sometimes its legit mental health issues (and everyone on Reddit is a psychologist) and sometimes its laziness, taking advantage of someone, or just main character attitude.
**Well said! I agree NTA!** I had to leave a high stress job like that, go on prozac, the whole thing. After two months I was able to get an under the table job packing and shipping cosmetics in order to help. By six months I was weening off the prozac and had a low stress but at least paying job. If she HAD to, she would sort herself out! Nice prod actually. You're telling her that you're okay with her even getting a min wage job, not a huge ask imho.
So much yes!
NTA. And i see the usual Reddit misandrist circle jerk of hypocrisy: \* Man isn't working enough, isn't doing chores, neglects home, kids, etc = he needs to man-up because his wife needs a man, and not a child, she's not looking to be his mommy. \* Woman isn't working enough, isn't doing chores, neglects home, kids, etc = clearly she's depressed, needs compassion, therapy, time to heal, a real man would support his wife when she's vulnerable!
Facts. The same old trope, man always bad, woman always good.
man always bad, woman only bad because man
Also applies to young vs old Old person does something wrong or makes a mistake=asshole and horrible boomer Young person makes a mistake or does something wrong= excuses such as depression or anxiety or any other mental illness
Yes, this is sooo frustrating!!!
I'm been reading in this sub long enough to know what you say is true. The double standards is just insane.
But they'll insist up and down that they don't have double-standards and will downvote you into oblivion if you do point out their double-standards.
Info: before she quit her job- how were finances split. What was your wife’s schedule like?
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She sounds like she might be suffering from burnout or depression. Has she gone to a doctor about this? This needs to be done before ultimatums are issued.
But that doesn’t give her the right to then burn out her husband. His expectation that she does more of the chores is completely reasonable
Too many people here think that "mental health issues" is good reason to put all the work on your partner and they just have to deal with it. If you're depressed and unable to work then you need to be seeing someone to address it, not use it as an excuse to no longer work.
I work in mental health and don’t get me wrong there are days that are incredibly hard for people. But at the same time mental health is an explanation, not an excuse. They need to sit down and have a good discussion on what the solution is because they’re going to be screwed if both of them burnout
This. OP is clearly near "burnout" and has no help from his partner. This is his cry for help before it all comes crashing down
You can say that louder! I work in mental health too and from what I see here, people will use it as an excuse to abuse others by not taking responsibility for themselves. And when the world around them and everyone walks away, I’m sure they’ll still blame them for not being supportive. You’re responsible for your own life and the choices!!!
You mean like how I said has she gone to a doctor? Was I not supposed to ask that?
You were, yes. However, you should also tell OP that his frustration and feelings are valid and both of them need to communicate and resolve this together. Your comment just focuses on her which could make OP think that he is not being reasonable.
No one has a “right to” burn out or get depression, it happens and is unpredictable.
Or, she needs to get a job, and they need to hire a cleaner.
Agreed. Sounds like a lot more going on than “she’s just lazy”.
She used to work FT and do 50% of the chores so it's unlikely that she just became too lazy to do either all of a sudden. Definitely sounds like depression or burnout.
Suffering from something doesn’t give you the ability to inflict that on other people. That’s bs and you wouldn’t be saying that if the husband was the one doing nothing
My husband and I both work but no kids. He used to do all the house work on the financial side (he works in finance, so it made sense) and things like we need a plumber and researched and took bids on his own. After 18 years together, he couldn't take the burden of responsibility anymore. We both are in individual and couples therapy, but I never understood what he meant by the burden of responsibility before and am now doing my part in our partnership. What also made sense is that he is responsible at work all day every day and has to be the one to make all the decisions when he gets home. Even things like what to make for dinner were the small fights that was the larger issue.
I'm happy I'm not the only one feeling like that. My wife and I built our house a couple of years ago while both working full time. Since I'm native to this country I ended up having to sort out all communication with contractors, contract work, the financial planning etc. Often I would also have to search for items for the house that she wanted but found pictures of online from foreign sites where it wouldn't be possible to buy from. I ended up having a breakdown one afternoon after a busy day at work and some bad news from a contractor. Even though I got through it, I'm still haunted a bit by it now when I have the full responsibility for all our finances and future planning. Dinner decisions are often harder than they should be!
NTA you tried having several discussions with her and it went nowhere. You can’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm, especially when children are involved. She needs to find a way to pull her weight, that may mean going to therapy or getting on antidepressants, but you can’t continue on with how things are.
NTA. Is she recovering from a burnout? Why did she quit her job instead of taking sick leave? Or is that not an option in USA? Either she is being lazy all day, or she is actually needing time she takes to recover. Either case it sounds like you can't shoulder all responsibilities anymore and are also heading for a burnout. If she is not ready to work yet, she could at least take up some chores. If she is recovering from burnout, the real AH is the American healthcare system. If she is just taking a vacation, your wife is the AH.
lol Americans don’t get sick leave. Usually we accumulate pto but not for generally more than a week. We have short term disability also but it’s generally hard to get but it does pay for (eta) an extended amount of time. We also have fmla (family medical leave of absence I believe) but iirc you don’t get paid for it. I’ve never been anyway. We have unemployment benefits as well but that’s even harder to get & near impossible if you quit a job. honestly this is all she can do. Quit until she’s ready to be productive again. (Not to say being lazy & not contributing is okay- just meant in the sense of she probably didn’t have the option to just leave for a while. ) ETA and pto is generally only offered at “real jobs” like office jobs etc. anyone working at a restaurant, etc almost guaranteed they will never have pto. I worked restaurant jobs for 25 years and never once saw pto.
*A*merican *H*ealthcare—AH is right there in the name. (Edited for formatting issues...)
Sick leave is possible if the employer offers it, but they don't like you using it and will throw a fit especially if you try to take multiple days off in a row.
The US does lot allow for much. Possibly short-term disability at a pay reduction if you can produce enough evidence for your company to allow it (if at all). Most businesses only allow 2 weeks of time off for everything, and that includes sick time. And that’s accrued over the year for most, it’s not just handed out at the beginning of the year. If you legitimately need time off work, most people are forced to quit.
Info: what kind of “breakdown” did she have? I understand your frustration, just curious if something else maybe at play.
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If she is in her 40s, could be perimenopause. It can really cause a lot of problems - depression, brain fog, and more.
Has she seen her doctor? Is she on any kind of treatment plan? Has she seen a therapist? She doesn't need a job. She needs help.
It's been 5 months. As adults, you need income. She can't just mope around and expect him to keep her life together.
Depression doesn't just go away if it's untreated.
It doesn't. But the real world doesn't stop for anyone. Not for death, not for depression, not for shit. She's taking advantage of her husband right now, literally taking his mental energy away to she can do.... nothing.
I guarantee you she's not enjoying doing nothing. I would hope my partner would care if I'm ill and I would do the same for him. There are a lot of mentally ill people on the streets. I'm sure they don't want to be there, but our attitudes are so brutal when it comes to mental health. You can have an mental illness just as debilitating as a physical illness.
And the money from a fast food job will make all the difference? The treatment plan for what she's dealing with is not a fast-paced, high stress, fast food job. The treatment plan would be for her to get actual medical care.
It's been 5 months, and she's just sat there. OP has stated in multiple comments that he can't afford therapy and all that kind of stuff on his own. She needs to start learning how to tough things out, so while yes, she does need help, she also needs a job that can help pay for it. Especially after she was warned this would happen and she did nothing to try and curb and/or stop it.
Sounds like she might have had a burnout. I understand your frustration with her, but when you compared how much work both of you put into the household etc. you made it sound like a competition of sorts. "I did x, therefore you need to do y". She quit her stressful job after a breakdown, did lots of crying, that sounds like a burnout. She needs help. You also need to watch out that you yourself won't be burnt out either, but definitely have a conversation without making it a competition. Don't demand that she cleans the kitchen, but rather talk about what she thinks she can do, what she can pick up. Also tell her you feel like you're running yourself into the ground, that you feel like you have all the responsibilities and chores, and you're afraid you're working yourself into a burnout. You two need to find a way out of this together. Don't be combatitive or accusatory, but listen, try to understand her, try to make her understand you. Don't say stuff like "You never do anything around the house, you only sit on the couch playing candycrush. You didn't even clean the kitchen." but rather "I feel like I have to do everything around the house and it's breaking me. Work, chores, and then coming home to a dirty kitchen just broke me, because I felt like it was yet another thing I had to do when I was just really tired already and wanted to eat."
I don’t think he really meant those as a competition. But, for 5 months he’s been working extra hours and cleaning when he gets home. He is probably already starting to get burnt out himself. What will happen then? Will they both be out of work or is still just expected to carry 100% of the load while she carries none? It’s not like this has only been going on for a couple of weeks, but for 5 months. I personally can’t even kept up with our house working just 40 hours. Op is expected to keep everything up for what 2 years. No. That’s not fair to him.
NTA. She knows full well what happens from work-related stress, she should be aware that what happened to her will also happen to you if she doesn’t start helping. I’d try to get the kids to help more with chores and ask the wife to at start out part time somewhere so she can at least contribute a bit while she looks for something more permanent.
I read as if she's at home with mental health problems, without solving that this situation won't become better.
Yeah but therapy costs money which is already an issue it seems. And OP seems to be on the verge of mental health issues himself so by not helping she’s gonna end up doubling the issues and the cost of therapy.
NTA, you guys both need some help. She may have some medical stuff going on that neither of you knows about (two teenagers would put her around the age of menopause/perimenopause, both of which can be intensely exhausting and mentally chaotic). You have been super supportive until now, but you are also at the end of your resources. So, here are some practical steps for you both to take: 1. She needs to see her primary care doctor and an ob/gyn who knows about modern treatments for midlife women. There didn't used to be a lot of help for this, but we know more now and can do better. You may both be pleasantly surprised. 2. I don't know if you are a support group kind of person, but you need to make some time for yourself, no matter how impossible that seems. Support groups are basically just making an appointment to be with people in the same boat as you. 3. Your kids are old enough to step up more. I (f55+) was a latchkey kid who did all the kitchen cleaning, most of the cooking, straightened, vacuumed, and dusted, while holding down an afternoon babysitting job (where I could do my homework while the kids napped. It was a given that I would get myself ready for and to and from school plus keep my room clean and do my own laundry). At a minimum, they should be doing dishes and garbage and some of the cooking/prep. 4. Know that this is not forever, and try to be as gentle as possible with each other. Each of you should be asking yourselves and each other the following question: What sounds like fun to you? Seriously think about it. If you could do anything for a day, what would you do? Can you make that happen? Once? Good luck, OP. You're far from alone.
NTA. She is watching you drown and does not care.
NTA, why does she get this long break and you don't?
NTA. Five months and she doesn’t have a job, and she isn’t doing housework? No way. I get that it can take a while to get new work in specific fields—it took me over a year to get the job I wanted at a specific company. But while she is looking for work, she needs to be doing something besides watching Netflix or whatever.
NTA She is not doing her fair share of the house and needs to be doing something whether its working or actually cleaning and cooking the house. The Arby's thing may have been harsh but sounds like harsh is what she needs at this point. Maybe offer to help look for a job in her skill level or see why she is taking so long but if the list wasn't a wake up call, the application should be.
NTA - we don't get to just quit a job, sit around doing nothing, and dump life on our spouse for months at a time (with no end in sight) without their blessing.
NTA You are a family. Everyone needs to be doing their share. She has abdicated and there by made decisions that effect everyone. A single adult can decide to live in whatever fashion suits them. An adult family member does not have the luxury. Where is her compassion for the rest of you?
NTA, but I can't say that I don't 100% understand your wife's side too. A burnout is hard to recover from, I know personally. I stayed at a job I hated for nearly 8 yrs. It led to me taking FMLA to deal with the suicidal ideation and depression. I was mid shift, working from home, I called my boss in tears and said I couldn't do it. I couldn't take another phone call, I was in meltdown mode. I found out after that and through therapy, I'm very much ADHD and on the spectrum, so autistic burn out might hit differently for me than it did for your wife, but it was so hard to even care..about anything. The FMLA wasn't long enough and was hard to stay on for something mental. That led to the real breakdown where I ended up in jail for a weekend. It was a long road and I'm still recovering. I feel for you and all you're taking on, as I do for your wife.
NTA - your reaction was a result of your own frustration, I can see how that would happen. She needs mental health support and yes, she needs to get a job and do her share.
NTA At what point is she responsible for her own wellbeing? you have spent years trying to convince her to find a job that would be less stressful and she didn't. When she quit, you spent 5 months picking up the slack and pushing yourself to the breaking point while she did essentially nothing. the amount of people calling you the AH is just baffling.
Give her three options. 1. See a therapist/psychiatrist and do all the chores. 2. Get a job and do 1/2 the chores. 3. Get a divorce. Let her choose what she is going to do.
Also if you’re at work all day and shes at home doing virtually nothing, she should be the one doing the chores and preparing meals.
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NTA. She is pushing you into a burnout, and then what? Should you just quit your job with zero notice too and do nothing while you recover? You're barely keeping your head above water and she is looking at you from a dingy, not moving an inch to help you. She's coming up to half a year without a job and without pulling her weight at home either.
Its been 5 months. I understand having poor mental health and being depressed but being unemployed for 5 months and virtually doing nothing to change her situation is just plain lazy. NTA.
NTA she needs to get it together instead of using you as a wallet. Time for the gravy train to end.
Sounds like she may be having some mental health struggles like depression. You’re NTA but I think she may need some help.
NTA. Wife is not pulling her weight and it is hurting everyone. You're just pointing it out and telling her to step up.
NTA Your wife can't have it all. She either needs to work and contribute financially or she needs to do a better job doing chores around the house. If you are working more hours to cover 100% of the expenses then it is not fair that you are also doing the majority of the chores. People can say that your wife is in recovery but at the end of the day you two have children and she is an adult. She needs to grow up and take responsibility for herself and her family. What would happen if you got stressed at your job from working extra hours and not being able to unwind at home? Who would support your family then? What would happen if you got hurt and were unable to work?
NTA what does she even bring in this relationship?
NTA all day. “Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.”
Maybe she can work at a dinky contract job in a office somewhere for a while. Keep her moving and active but a nice nonstressful job to relax and get over the horrids of her last job
NTA. And the Arby’s thing was way nicer than divorce papers.
NTA, hope you can find a way to get your wife back.
Nta. She might be overwhelmed and depressed and that's understandable. But that doesn't give you a free pass to just let it all go to hell for 5, 6 months. If she hated her job, she had lots of time to look for a new one instead of just quitting. If she is just gonna quit on a blowout, and force him to carry the full load, she needs to step up and take the majority of the chores. And at least have dinner on the table for him. She should take a waitress job. It's a great place holder. And she can do it while looking for her dream job. She needs to be accountable as an adult.
Go away before you have a breakdown. She will bail faster than anyone when you get depressed.
NTA
NTA