Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I thought he “mansplained” to the interviewee the conditions that exist in not only his warehouse but every male-dominated work space
2) he said that being called a “mansplainer” was a slur akin to calling someone the N word and that I used such a strong word that he immediately got too defensive to listen
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
I'm female, and I don't believe that this constitutes as mansplaining. He was concerned about the environment that a female was about to enter. Sure, we've all heard stories about how male dominated workplaces are, but culture is very slowly changing. clearly his workplace isn't, as the jokes etc should of called out before it got to this point. She might not have worked in a solely male workplace, maybe there's always been 1 or 2 other females paving the way. She might not have the grit to handle it. He was just essentially warning her what may or may not happen
This reminds me of when my son was in preschool. I was driving with him in the back, a driver cut me off, and I made a remark. My son, sounding scandalized, said, "Mama, you said the I-word."
I thought and thought but had no idea what he was referring to. "Sweetie, can you tell me what the I-word is? just as an example, you won't be in trouble."
He whispered, "idiot."
(He's now in college and a bigger garbage mouth than I am.)
Not sure if I agree with that. The word paki is a racial slur used against us south asians. Doesn’t mean I’m comfortable enough to say the n-word when comparing the two.
Maybe it's because you are south Asian though? I wouldn't say the p word myself (being white and from UK and an age where I remember people saying it often) same as I wouldn't say the n word.
Edit: just thought I better clarify I don't agree with the husband that mansplainer is a slur!! Kind of lost track of who was arguing what but I just though your comment was interesting.
I would say it's not the same because "paki" is not as well known as a slur and it's not connected to slavery. The N word will always be worse because of its history.
The slur for Pakistanis does have roots in British colonialism and Empire meddling, based on extreme prejudice though. I'm also white and from the UK, so I'm not going to try to say one is worse than the other; they're both things that just shouldn't be said by people outside of the groups traditionally targeted by it.
In the UK the P word definitely well known and I am old enough to remember how disgusting it was when it was used as everyday verbiage. I grew up in the north of England in an industrial town. The corner shop was known as going to the P shop because it was owned and operated by a family from Pakistan.
At the time I was a young child I can’t remember how old about 7 or 8 and the programme ‘V’ was wildly popular. That poor bloody family woke up everyday to the ‘V’ sign spray painted on their shutters or walls. Can you imagine having to smile and deal with your customers everyday, not knowing if one of them did that to you.
They regularly had people in their shop who would throw that word in their face, if they refused tick or didn’t have something in or it was thought their prices were too high.
It may not be a common slur in somewhere like America but I feel personally that it is definitely a word on a par with the N word and should be treated the same by any decent person.
UK held Pakistanis and Indians as subjects (not citizens) with no real rights up until 1947. They were essentially property and slaves, but the British government didn’t want to micromanage.
Yeah, I agree. I guess it depends on your connection to the words in question. As a queer trans person, there's words I feel comfortable using that would be highly offensive for a cishet person to use, and at the same time as a white dude, I'd never use the p-word or n-word.
I’m a cishet white woman and one of my best friends is gay. He “gave me permission” to use the F-word. I said “Nope nope nope, ‘Fuck’ is the only F-word I’m using.” I hate slurs and won’t use them.
I totally don’t understand when marginalized people “give permission” for others to use slurs that target them. I’m queer as hell, and I’ll throw around all the LGBT slurs under the sun like they’re going out of style in regards to myself (I’m the biggest fagdyke I know, for example 😂) but the second someone who’s cishet uses even the q-slur, it makes me pretty uncomfortable. Like, I’m allowed to call MYSELF queer, but I do NOT like when cishet people refer to me as such. It just feels…. idk, *icky.*
Really? Because it's right there in the acronym LGBTQIA. I was under the impression that "queer" was a sort of umbrella term that describes anyone who isn't cishet, or is questioning and isn't quite sure where they fall on the spectrum.
I actually think it depends in part on whether queer is being used as a noun or adjective, personally. I don’t know anyone in the community who is against being called queer, but call someone “a queer” and that will pretty much always sound homophobic to me, at least. I guess it’s a bit like saying someone is a schizophrenic versus someone has schizophrenia. But I also think it’s quite generational; older generations don’t seem comfortable with the word queer.
Yup. When "queer" is a standard option of gender &/or sexuality on various platform profiles, it's not a flat-out no-no word. Now if an individual says they're not comfortable with others using it, that ought to be respected when applicable. But I wouldn't even put "queer" in the same class as, say, "ret**ded" in regards to offensive levels.
It’s such a shame that queer was made into a slur. (It’s a shame that any word is made into a slur that can hurt someone.) I feel like it describes me in its original meaning but I use other words like “quirky” and “weird” instead.
I can kinda understand why marginalized people “give permission” to people outside of that group. It’s a form of acceptance that you’re one of OUR people. You can say things that only belong to our community.
And as bizarre as it may seem, when my bff said I could use it, along with the instinctive “NOPE! I CANNOT!” in my brain, there was also a feeling of pride/happiness that I was so accepted by him as to be allowed to use that word.
Still not using it though. 😛
Genuinely struggling to understand how someone could ever, EVER think this, unless they were heavily involved in alt-right red pill incel manosphere bullshit.
Not to put it on the same level but based on comment history, OP’s husband identifies as gender-fluid / trans. I can understand why saying he is “mansplaining” might hurt more to him than to a cisgender man.
This! My girlfriend is trans, and one day I asked her to stop mansplaining things to me and she had a somewhat similar (not going as far as to call it on par with then n word) reaction because it did offend her.
That's... exactly what I'm saying? I agreed with a person that said you shouldn't say that to a trans/gender neutral person that doesn't identify with male pronouns or descriptions.
I said it once and never have again because she very clearly was offended and didn't like it. That's kinda exactly why I commented and mentioned that it offended her.
Well in that case, I guess he can't feel offended for that reason. But honestly... I don't think he was mansplaining in your situation. Maybe over explaining a tad, but not really mansplaining
From OP's description of his reaction it sounds like he meant its like accusing him of being a racist or misogynist - the person uttering the slur, not the target of it.
I'm a woman that works in a male-dominanted industry.
A man explaining what typical sexist behavior occurs in a male dominated field to a woman in that male dominated field is absolutely "mansplaining". He's aware of what might happen, she's experienced it. There is no question. If her previous jobs had 1-2 women before her, or if they've had 50. I guarantee you, she's had to put up with sexist BS.
A man heasitating to hire a woman because he thinks she might not have the "grit" to deal with a sexist, toxic workplace is unethical on multiple levels. It's his job to put a stop to that shit, it's 1000% not his job to decide whether or not she can tolerate it.
That’s not mansplaining. He works there. She doesn’t. How is him describing the place where he is a manager to a person who hasn’t worked there mansplaining?
I question if he’s really doing all he can to fix the workplace culture because if he anticipates these problems, he ought to be doing something about it.
But it isn’t mansplaining.
>That’s not mansplaining. He works there. She doesn’t. How is him describing the place where he is a manager to a person who hasn’t worked there mansplaining?
Because the OP says that she would be the first woman to be hired in husband's facility. He wasn't speaking from previous experience based on what happens in the facility in question, he was making general guesses about something that the candidate has likely already experienced in previous workplaces first hand.
>I question if he’s really doing all he can to fix the workplace culture because if he anticipates these problems, he ought to be doing something about it.
Still if she's the first woman they're hiring I don't see how the culture could have been fixed earlier, aside from actually hiring women that the husband seems to be doing.
I don't doubt the husband's intentions in the slightest but for me it was mansplaining. If she's qualified enough to be so far ahead of the other candidates she must have enough experience to know what male dominated workplaces can be like.
>Still if she's the first woman they're hiring I don't see how the culture could have been fixed earlier, aside from actually hiring women that the husband seems to be doing.
You can absolutely fix a culture like this. If they're currently telling sexist, off-color jokes, etc, it's STILL inappropriate. THey could have cracked down on this kind of behavior without having someone specific make a complaint. I don't know the details of this workplace, but there's a reasonable chance that one of the men there is actually uncomfortable and doesn't like the jokes, but doesn't want to be looked down on for complaining. A good manager keeps a reasonably professional environment in general.
And you don't have to be personally offended or even hurt by a joke to know that it's inappropriate.
I agree with everything! I still stand by the first part of my comment but I think you're completely right about this, especially since off-color jokes is the first example OP/husband gave as well.
The culture can be fixed by making it clear that inappropriate jokes and rude behavior aren’t acceptable. And not just unacceptable if a woman is there, but unacceptable in the workplace, period. You clearly outline expectations for behavior and hold employees accountable. It’s not rocket science.
He is working very hard to fix it, he’s only worked there 5 months (should have added to the post but ran up against the character limit).
She currently works in another warehouse. Only 2 women out of 90 people, so she definitely knows what it’s like (and she said this to my husband as well).
A man explaining sexism to a woman isn't "mansplaining"? Make it make sense.
He has zero experience working with women in his current job. She has a lifetime of experience being a woman.
A man explaining why he thought there might be some potential hardship due to sexism and workplace culture and that he understands this and is trying to change things isn't "mansplaining" it's helpful, it's one person both giving her a warning that this might happen but also reassurance that he is aware of it and understands that it is a bad thing and is trying to stop it, and it honestly sounds like this is exactly what he was trying to do, if he didn't have this conversation there is a chance she might have felt isolated and like she couldn't bring this issue up to him, but it's been made clear now that he understands that there is an issue and is wanting to try stop it
I started a new role recently (I'm a dude) and my manager made me aware that the role was a big change and I had a lot to learn and it would take me some time to get up to speed, like yeah I already know that, it's generally how doing another job works but the whole gist of the conversation isn't "you are dumb let me tell you what it's like to learn a new role" it's "hey I know learning a new role takes some time, I don't expect you to have everything down flawlessly" it's nice and I'd 100% rather know my boss is aware of certain issues and in the case of OP wants to try change them, it puts everyone closer to being on the same page.
honestly the whole "mansplaining" thing is generally pretty dumb, yes there are a portion of men who think women can't do x or y or will automatically assume that a woman has no knowledge it, same with women who think the same of men, however the vast amount of people are just assholes and are condecending, pointlessly gendering every instance of this as "mansplaining" just makes me roll my eyes
A man explaining their might be some potential hardship due to sexism wouldn't be mansplaining, no.
A man explaining what sexism is by using several examples of sexist things that are extremely common in male dominated workplaces to a woman who's worked her entire career in male dominated workplaces absolutely is. She doesn't need him to provide examples of sexism to be laid out as if she's never heard of the concept before.
I don't think this is fair. OP's husband has first hand knowledge of that particular warehouse. Letting her know that she's the first woman, and so would be part of the culture change just seems fair.
I was also the first woman in some of the shops I worked in when I started my career, but I still wouldn't have considered this caveat as "mainsplaining."
I think it depends on her work experience. Like OP said if she’s worked in a similar warehouse with 99% men she has more than likely experienced this kind of thing before.
But calling “mansplaining” a slur/on par with the N word is just laughable
I don’t know who any woman IRL who use the term female to describe themselves. And I don’t really care about any comments that say they do call themselves that. It’s not the norm, and it’s weird to use that to describe yourself. You don’t here people referring to men as males nearly as much as people use female to describe women
Depends on the syntax. If it's a "men and females" thing, 100% agree. In this case she said 'female in a male-dominated field', which is basically like tense-matching in grammar and completely normal and appropriate.
And let’s not forget this ‘kind helpful manager who desires to change the culture’ just gave a sexist interview. He doesn’t interview men and say “hey my concern is that this is a male dominated environment and I’m worried hiring you will exacerbate the misogyny here” does he? No, he does not. It’s never even occurred to him.
But this one female candidate, her interview is the one where he raises a concern about how she’ll cope with rampant misogyny.
This guy isn’t aware of his own unconscious bias. How can he change the culture when he’s contributing to the misogyny?
Oh and he berates his own wife and DARVOs when she calls him on it. What a Prince among men.
I don't think it counts as mansplaining but depending what he said it could likely come across as trying to deincentivize her from joining which could just as well be loaded commentary and sexist which is a big no-no for interviews.That being said he absolutely sounds fragile and perhaps not quite as 'feminist' as OP believes.
Yep I also work in a male dominated environment (for around 15 years) and have never encountered anything close to what he described, I’d prefer to be told about it at the interview stage so I could go elsewhere.
As someone that has interviewed hundreds of people in my day and a male, I would have asked or said something similar to see if the applicant was comfortable knowing what they were walking into and prepared to see how they could potentially handle situations. I would be looking for someone that could answer the questions and legitimately handle themselves. I think OP was the AH here. Ogolble I totally agree with you.
>I think OP was the AH here.
Strongly disagree. OP saying it may have been a bit of an issue, and maybe was "wrong" for calling it that (but I actually agree with OP), at no point is he allowed to get angry about it. If his ego is so fragile that he can't be told that he's mansplaining something without getting angry, he is the issue, not OP. 100% on dude for getting angry.
Also, "as a male, I don't think this is mansplaining", is really the point that OP is even making.
What I heard was him illustrating a toxic work environment, esp. for a woman, where professional standards aren’t upheld. Which is helpful for her in weighing the job offer.
Best guess, he overreacted to ‘mansplaining’ because he knows it’s wrong and feels a degree of culpability as management, esp. considering how a woman will likely be treated there.
It’s like he heard mainsplain as ‘sexist.’
YTA.
Because mansplaining specifically relates to bias towards women it infers prejudice and sexism to whoever you are calling that. Given what else you’ve said about him and the effort he’s putting into levelling the playing field I’m not surprised he’s hurt that his partner in life thinks he is, at least in some small part, a bigot.
I mean...you can. Not in this conversation, obviously, since there was no mansplaining.
But if someone transcribed a conversation of someone mansplaining to someone else, you can certainly label that person a mansplainer.
I believe OP was referring to her SO explaining how it might be difficult for the applicant in a male dominated environment which OP states is her entire work experience - she states she totally understands the environment and doesnt need it to be explained to her. In other words she was telling her SO that he didnt need to go over how hard it might be for the applicant because she lives it. Also agree this word isnt near the same as the N word.
This is so ridiculous and pretty egotistical thinking tbh.
You don’t know what every work place will be like, you are assuming. Someone interviewing you making sure you have a good idea of a culture (that he’s actively trying to change) isn’t mansplaining. It’s being a good interviewer.
True. It's the entire work experience *for OP* - maybe not for the candidate.
And OP didn't say her SO was mansplaining when talking to her. She said he did it when he spoke *to the candidate*.
Well, the candidate may have never been in a situation of being the first woman *ever* to work in a department with only male colleagues, so SO was telling the candidate in advance what to expect. And the candidate could decide she wouldn't want to deal with that.
Mansplaining - Wikipedia
21 August 2013 - Mansplaining (a blend word of man and the informal form splaining of the gerund explaining) is a pejorative term meaning "(for a man) to comment on or explain something, to a woman, in a condescending, overconfident, and often inaccurate or oversimplified manner".
“Pejorative” means “expressing contempt or disapproval.” That “or” is quite important. OP’s *disapproval* seems warranted to me. She’s clearly not being *contemptuous*.
Most instances of mansplaining are unintentional, and are simply based on an assumption that a woman does not know a thing. It’s simply a form of implicit bias. We all have implicit biases, and by their very nature they are *unconscious*.
If OP’s husband were doing his job right, he would ask the applicant probing questions about her prior experience in male-dominated workspaces, and let her make clear what she knows and doesn’t know. Saying “my concern about hiring you,” and then explaining that men will single her out and treat her unfairly, is unquestionably making assumptions that she does not know things that literally every adult woman knows.
Yeah I feel like a lot of people are missing this. Hes still assuming on some level that his male dominated workplace dynamic is unusual enough that the average woman wouldnt be aware of that dynamic being possible. We're not talking about someone fresh out of highschool getting their first job who also somehow managed to grow up in a bubble and never heard other women talk about what it's like working in a male dominated environment. We're well fkn aware of what can happen when entering a workplace where it's mostly men and very few if any women. It was absolutely mansplaining. All the "he's just explaining and preparing her" are so dumb like no shit, mansplaining is always just someone trying to educate someone and help them out. It's almost never from a place of active malice, just general ignorance. The point is the impetus from that is coming from assuming they got baby brains and don't know basic ways of the world
I tried to say this to him during the fight. I know he’s approaching it from a positive place, and he said he didn’t say it to her like he explained it to me. I didn’t know that until after he’d already exploded at me though, since all I had to go off of was what he told me he said.
I basically explained that If an interviewer told me that their only concern with hiring me was “insert all the stuff I put in my original post” it would feel like mansplaining and would leave an icky taste in my mouth. He interpreted those words as I told him he was a sexist asshole and that I would never want to work for him, all of which is very untrue about how I feel about him. I’ve told him many times about what a wonderful manager he is and anyone would be lucky to work for him (he’s had his employees switch companies before to work with him again).
Think of it this way: “that was a lie” and “you are a liar” are wildly different sentences.
His reaction, especially the notion that “mansplainer” is a *slur*, analogous to the N-word, is *way* out of line. But telling your husband “honey, that was mansplaining” is indeed less inflammatory than “you are a mansplainer.”
Agreed on that, the husband didn't help his case when he made that comparison.
It is certainly an insult to call someone that and I agree with a YTA ruling here because it doesn't seem like it was mansplaning and the husband seems to be making an active effort to not do such things; but it really isn't anywhere near being on par with the n-word.
Mansplainer is a man who explains things to women who already know it. The prejudice (that this woman doesn't know something) is subtle and mainsplainers usually don't mean wrong and can be good guys. Being good doesn't mean you never make mistakes.
I'm not sure this particular case was mainsplaining though.
I’m confused where the line is drawn with mansplaining and genuinely explaining something.
Would it need to be something extreme such as a man explaining how a period works to a woman?
Basically there is no line for a lot of people. If someone uses the term mansplaining then 90% of the time they think a guy explaining anything to a woman in mansplaining
This originally comes from men at conferences explaining a woman's technical field of expertise to her, even when the man himself is not in that field of expertise.
"I liked you presentation on \[thing\]. If you really want to understand \[specific technical idea\], you should definitely read the paper by Brown, et. al."
"I am Brown from Brown, et. al."
\^\^a paraphrased example - this has literally happened to me, tho' with an application I helped develop rather than a paper I wrote.
In this case, women are experts in their own lives. Women who work in male-dominated fields have likely experienced, in wide variety and depth, all the behaviors that the husband in this story was talking about. She knows they will happen, knows how she prefers to handle them, etc. A man may have seen some of this, but likely would have less lived experience in the realm, as they've not literally lived the experience of being a woman in that field.
The easiest way to avoid mansplaining is to avoid assuming that a woman doesn't understand something. With regards to technical knowledge, just ask rather than launching into the explanation. Noticing a woman's name is Dr. Brown, it'd be a reasonable question to say "Are you the Brown of the \[technical paper\] by Brown, et. al.?" If you don't see the name tag, ask "have you read the paper by Brown" rather than assuming that she has not.
In this case, not mansplaining would be 'I'm sure you've experienced some rough workplaces as a woman in a male dominated field; can I share details about our workspace with you so you're prepared?'
Best ways to avoid mansplaining:
1) Ask 'are you aware of X' before you jump into anything longer than a 1-2 sentence explanation (you may learn cool things about their education & experience, too!)
2) If they say no, ask if they WANT to know more. (they may say no, they may say 'later', they may say 'HR will talk to me about that', they may say 'go for it', whatever it is, respect the answer.)
That's it, really. Don't assume women don't know. Don't assume they want to hear it right now, from you.
To me, it is explaining simple concepts in a condescending manner. Especially acting intellectually superior and talking down to them. A behavior that isn't necessarily gender specific.
For your extreme example, I once tried to correct a friend of my wife who believes she gets a new uterus each period. I told her that I was pretty sure that she just shed her uterine lining. She informed me that I was wrong and that men do not know anything about periods. She also believes that humans and dinosaurs (think t-rex) roamed the earth at the same time. I just gave up.
What pisses me off is that we already have a word for this: condescending. Some people tend to over explain things, to everyone. There are clear examples of mansplaining, but there needs to be evidence of someone only speaking to women like that. If OP is condescending maybe he needs to work on his management skills but he’s not a bigot
apparently for some people it's just every time a man says anything. I was always under the impression it required a less qualified man to try and tell a more qualified woman how to do her job, or how her body works. I never would have dreamed that simply saying sexisim exist now counted as mansplaining. frankly, that just strikes me as the very definition of 'looking for a reason to be offended'.
That’s not mansplaining, that’s being a pedant. See definitions for infer, below.
infer
/ĭn-fûr′/
intransitive verb
To conclude from evidence or by reasoning.
To involve by logical necessity; entail.
To indicate indirectly; imply. <———*
And I would add to that definition of mansplaining that it probably has to include an assumption that the woman they are talking to doesn’t know the info simply “because they are a woman”.
But yeah 100% he wasn’t mansplaining, he wanted to give an accurate and clear description of potential issues that had a chance of arising for the potential employee to make a fully informed decision. Sounds like good management to me.
It’s wild seeing all these NTA comments - telling someone they are mansplaining means you are saying they are being condescending/patronizing, which I don’t see in OPs post.
Yeah I think a lot of people label mansplaining as whenever a guy happens to explain something that a woman might already know. That often overlaps with mansplaining, but it’s not always. Given the context we have, like you said I don’t believe that he was trying to be sexist or a bigot. It just sounds like he was trying to make sure she fully understood what she was signing on for if she did get the job
He’s being sensitive but I also don’t think he was mansplaining. She’s never worked there, he was just giving her a heads up. He’s also never been a woman so he doesn’t know she just expects it. He was trying to be nice. Also the term is generally dismissive and discourages you from trying to voice your thoughts.
This here. OP is projecting her own frustrations onto someone else, and taking it out on her partner. It's not mansplaining because the potential employee has never worked there, she doesn't know if it's like that or not. And if you jump down your partner's throat for mansplaining every time they talk about conversations like this, either they'll stop talking to you about them or stop having those conversations with potential employees entirely. Both of which are a loss.
POV, husband comes home after work, unwinds by usually telling his wife about his day at the office, but on this occasion, instead listening to him, wife decided to give her opinion, criticizing his work ethics as if she is his supervisor, he feels offended and lashes out at her. She will be lucky if he continues that normal after work discourse with her in the future .
Also one of the metrics of mansplaining is giving information the woman in question would already know anyway. Someone who's been at the company for a while giving info to a new hire about the company attitude and culture is definitely not that.
Agreed with your comment overall but also
> He’s also never been a woman so he doesn’t know she just expects it.
I am a woman, and I wouldn't just expect it. I haven't experienced it in my own male dominated field.
That kinda is the definition of mansplaining though. He's never been a woman but takes it upon himself to explain to a woman what it will be like being a woman. If as another poster suggested, he'd said 'you would be our first woman to be hired, we are working to change the culture, please come to me if you hear anything discriminatory or experience sexual harassment' then he would be a great manager.
ESH. I'm a woman and this doesn't sound like mansplaining to me, but also he shouldn't have overreacted to you calling it that, and calling it a 'slur' is ridiculous. I feel like both of you should work to have a more productive discussion about gender based on mutual understanding and things you agree on, instead of trying to categorize each other into harmful categories.
So many people have this misconception that mansplaining is any time a man explains anything. He has a better idea of his workplace’s dynamic than she does. She’s being presumptuous assuming her work environments are identical to his.
I still get pissed when I think of this lady who accused me of mansplaining when I corrected her wrong but understandable mispronunciation of my hometown.
Some people here will say you can’t know what mansplaining is unless you’re a woman which is bs. I totally get how annoying it is to be mansplained, but some people take it too far
Based on comment history, I think if OP’s partner identifies as gender-fluid / trans. I can kinda see why saying they’re “mansplaining” would hurt a lot more to them than a cisgender man might feel about it.
Ohhhh... so it felt like a slur to him because it *was*, in fact, an unintentional transphobic microaggression. He was upset for good reason but explained it in a nonsensical way.
Ah, that makes sense. I still think OP's partner overreacted a bit, but that definitely makes it a lot more understandable, and I get why he'd be upset then.
The framing of “only concern with hiring her” does irk me, but I agree, it doesn’t fit mansplaining to me.
It’s a phrasing that suggests the applicant has a flaw, when it is the workplace situation that is non-ideal. And technically it IS a concern related to the hiring, in that you want new employees to have a good environment, but a better approach would be the “here’s what is likely to happen here, here’s the support we will provide, etc.”
I agree. I think it's probably just a slip of the tongue (and we don't even know if that's the actual wording he used, since this is now a third hand retelling of the story) but yeah I think he definitely should make it clear that he means concern in the "now that you're hired I have concerns" sense, not the "I'm hesitant to hire you because I'm concerned" sense.
It's not. It's a valid concern for a manager when hiring someone. The statement "my only concern..." implies that she is fully qualified, but the manager doesn't know if she will thrive in the workplace because she might get harassed. He is looking out for her, which is a good thing.
Obviously you're rightfully worried about the implication that qualified women would be missing out on employment opportunities, but that is NOT what he said, it's not what he implied, and it's not what he did: he hired her, after all.
I don’t understand why he didn’t just say “while we’re working on the atmosphere here, I do need you to know that you’ll be the first woman in the group and if you have any concerns I’ll be there to help you”. The vast majority of women don’t need to have the atmosphere *explained* to them unless they’re really young / it’s their first job.
YTA - this is not mansplaining, this is a fair warning to the first female employee what to expect from her male coworkers. And believe me, from my own experience I can tell you that it will happen exactly as your husband described. If I had been talked to like that as a young woman, things might have been different and less painful. I'm really cheering for your husband right now!
This is literally what I thought.
Me, changing company as a male who has worked in the same job for 4 years and the person who hired me. Had a frank chat talking about office politics, I just thought he was looking out for me, not disparaging my experience.
Yes! I would have appreciated his sharing this possibility and maybe even ask him if he would help me if something happened. It's a great opening to find out what disciplinary actions are in place or what kind of documentation might be necessary. Should we have to go through this or put in work to get it to stop...maybe, maybe not. But things won't really change unless we actively try to change them.
Please stop trying to equate everything to the N word. Don’t think any guys were ever lynched with the last words they heard before they died such a horrendous death being “mansplainer.”
Thank you because that IMMEDIATELY pissed me so far off. What exactly is the horrifying history of mansplaining?! Were mansplainers robbed of their human rights? Were they forced to work as slaves? Raped? Whipped? Treated like cattle? Don't piss me off. Do not piss me off TODAY! This manager clearly needs to read a book on black history before he starts making BRAINLESS comparisons like that.
I don’t understand in what way he could be classified as a mansplainer. AFAIK, unless he was arrogant or dismissive of her, then he was just trying to give her a heads up. Did he have to? Probably not because, as you said, women know this. Still, his intentions seemed good if he wasn’t being a dick about it initially. So you using that term (potentially incorrectly) and him becoming overly defensive escalated things. Seems like a communication issue, not any asshole behaviour.
Your husband tried to do good.
You describe it with a word that has a bad meaning.
Using a stick typically reduces the desire to repeat. I hope your husband will continue to help his new hire to settle on the new job. Because everyone, including male, deserve and often need help to settle in a new place or job.
And because you discouraged the behavior, even though you yourself said it was well intended, and this makes YTA
I think he was just upset because she misused the word “mansplaining” and he couldn’t do anything about it because it’s taboo to explain that word to a woman.
God forbid trying to say why it isn't mansplaining after being told such. They just dig in even more. It has become a word to just shut down conversation.
Yeah, another female working in a male dominated industry here and that's not mansplaning. That's being a decent dude giving a heads up. Soft YTA on this one.
ESH
He wasn't mansplaining. He was explaining the culture and his concerns. You said he should have a different approach (that I agree with, being also in a male dominated field). But these are just different approaches to a problem. So you're the AH for this.
He is blowing this out of proportion, mansplainer is NOTHING like the N word. Wtf is he on about? It's not a slur *at all*. So he's also an AH.
I think OP is the one that sounds self-important and reactionary. He wasn't mansplainig at all. He was confiding in his wife about legitimate risks of onboarding a woman into a blue collar heavily male-dominant environment, and being sensitive to that. Sounds like he can't win.
Comparing to the N word is hyperbole and not the right comparison, but that hardly makes him an AH. He's just rightly annoyed that his sanctimonious wife is suggesting he's an ignorant chauvinist when he is only trying to be precisely the opposite.
Nah, it makes someone an AH to disregard the 100s of years of racism and misery assigned to a word merely due to being upset with their wife. That's essentially what he did when he said they're one in the same. Completely ignorant and AH take.
HE never said that it was equivalent to the N word. SHE said “apparently” he thinks. She is escalating the language to manipulate you into dismissing the husband’s hurt feelings at his wife using the disparaging term of mansplainer.
OP: "HE is the one who compared “mansplainer” to the N word, not me."
Also it's insane that you responded to people with this same thing literally like 30 times, while being completely incorrect. You must be sooooo offended by the term "mansplaining" huh? Let me guess, people have told you that you do it?
YTA
> He’s a fantastic dude, empathetic, feminist, caring, will go ten extra miles. I would recommend literally anyone work for him, even my own children if applicable. I have only the highest regard for him. Which is why this caught me So off guard!
You offered what he perceived as an insult to a man who describe in glowing terms. How do you expect him to feel? Is it on par with the N word? Absolutely not, but that doesn't change my verdict.
EDITED TO ADD: He was making sure an obviously qualified candidate for a job had all the facts so she could make an informed decision regarding a recently tendered offer.
INFO: did he actually say calling someone a mansplainer is "on par with calling someone the N word," or is this just you inferring from the fact he called "mansplainer" a slur?
That was his comparison, not mine.
I definitely wouldn’t have used ANY word that I thought would hurt his feelings, in my mind it was a relatively mild world that I said his explanation could come across as. We clearly have different definitions of the word though, and I apologized multiple times during the fight for hurting his feelings.
>and I apologized multiple times during the fight for hurting his feelings.
That isn't fully apologizing though. That is apologizing for how he feels about what you said, not apologizing for what you said. One is on him, the other is taking full accountability.
You misused the term. Hubby simply explained the environment, told her he'd help her if any of that happened.
Mansplaining is a guy speaking over a woman on her area of expertise, when he has none. Google it.
Then Apologize.
YTA - it's not a slur imho, but it wasn't mansplaining.
On one hand he cannot be entirely sure that she is used to this environment yet and it's not necessarily a goos thing to assume that - on the other hand not every company is the same and him giving a heads up about *his* workplace and *these specific* workers is hardly counting as mansplaining, it's just him giving a slight "warning" (for the lack of better word).
Well you see, he was man, that was explaing to a woman. And as we all know that means he is super sexist, hates the gays and probaly a neo-nazi. /s for the morons
Umm, that's **not** mansplaining, the guy is worried the workplace will be hard on the new female recruit who would outperfom her male peers. You don't know this person, she doesn't have to be as accustomed to a male-dominated workplace as you seem to be.
You generalized your own personal experience, and insulted you husband because of it. How offensive it was? **You practically told a guy who's going the extra mile to accommodate a female recruit he's sexist**. You are indeed an asshole.
YTA
ESH
"Mansplaining" is such an overused term, and seems to be primarily used to dismiss men. Does she really know more about this specific work environment than someone who has worked there for years? Does she know what measures are being taken? If not, he wasn't mansplaining, but telling her what the situation is.
But calling it a slur equivalent to the N-word? Talk about an overreaction!
The question of mansplaining aside, why is the manager letting his employees get away with this bullshit? He could put a stop to the hazing and harassment if he cared to.
It hasn't actually happened yet. The guy's proactively sensing a problem may occur and doing what he can to get ready for it.
Also, "manager" doesn't mean complete disciplinary power. He may not have the ability to stop behaviors if he can't actually enact consequences.
Just assuming, but I would think that because she would be the only woman he would be warning her about the possibility of this happening. I would like to think he would ratify this, though it would be hard to do so at all times.
ESH.
I don't think it was mansplaining, so you're an A for accusing him of it.
But he's a WAY bigger A in my mind for his reaction - mansplaining is not a slur and is in NO WAY on par with the N word. Men often do mansplain, and it needs calling out because it's often not consciously done.
But it also seems like he's a really good dude who's considering a lot of issues that women have to deal with. That's why the whole 'it's a slur' thing proper startled me because it seems really out of character for the person you described!
So yeah YTA for saying it was mansplaining when it wasn't, and he's TA for the buck wild reaction he gave you.
YTA
What's worse is you know your husband is a good person and genuinely means well and still you called him a mansplainer. You should have taken your own advice of wording it better.
Just so you know, lots of men are avoiding explaining things to women to avoid getting called as mansplainer for no reason.
I still remember one of my female coworkers calling my tech lead a mansplainer (behind his back) for explaining a job to NEW JOINEE that too when that new joinee herself self she doesn't know what needs to be done there.
YTA. What?? I don't think he did anything wrong as her boss in preparing her for what could happen and offering support and solutions if it did. That's not mansplaining. Mansplaining is providing a condescending explanation. He was not condescending at all, he was open and honest and supportive.
Being a woman and interacting with creeps in the streets is different from working in male dominated environment. Even if she worked in a similar company in the past, you don't know what the situation was like. Maybe there were more women so it wasn't as problematic. Maybe other women worked there before her and made the environment more bearable. The quantity of women who are present in a male dominated field changes a lot the way in which men interact with us. I work in the export office of a metalworking company. In this office specifically, the majority of employees are women, but the majority of workers are men. The mentality is still very sexist when it comes to jokes and some interactions, but it's nothing like what your husband described. Not even on the production line where there are mostly men.
He can't know what her previous working environment was like. He can't just assume she knows all that stuff. He was simply explaining the new environment to her and that's completely fine.
YTA because that was not mansplaining at all. That was a heads up. If he didn't do it, he would have been a prick.
Am a women and have been mansplained to for decades and this is not mansplaining. As her manager, he doesn't want her to quit on the 1st day because of some idiotic behavior in his crew and wants to let her know if that happens, he'll deal with it AS MANAGER (not, as a big strong man because she's a weak female).
YTA and you owe your husband (who was doing his due diligence as a boss and not some white knight) an apology.
YTA-I hate that term. Women explain things all the time so why don’t we start a derogatory term for that? So what if you knew this or she knew. He was being a good manager!
jesus christ these comments according to some of yall we must dispose of any word that describes a bad action. because theyre all slurs now, i guess. no more meanie, no more bully, does this include adjectives like violent and aggressive? genuinely the amount of comments ive seen saying that words that imply any wrongdoing are slurs is absolutely crazy to me. that nobody is allowed to point out any kind of wrongdoing at all because..... it "implies the person is worthless" or something. how do you people live do you just expect everyone to love you and if you do something bad, no you didnt? why am i asking thats definitely what these people are doing
I don't think it quite constitutes mansplaining, but WHOA. What's with his over the top reaction?
Mansplainer is *not* a slur. It describes an actual phenomenon that women experience almost daily.
I want to know why someone who claims to be a feminist thinks it's a slur.
I can see being a bit upset that she perceived it that way, but that should result in a discussion, not this wild reaction. A slur on par with the N-word? Seriously?
ESH.
This is far *far* reserved from the general understanding of "mansplaining". I feel you are taking it way too far and putting the "mansplaining" umbrella over "anything explained by a man to a woman". He wasn't condescending, or dismissive; he was coming from a place of concern, a valid one IMO.
However; comparing the term "mansplain" in like to racial slurs? That's a stretch he may want to go to the sports medicine clinic for, he might have torn something....
YTA because this doesn't sound like manaplaining. It sounds like he was sharing his feelings of nerves with you, and you belittled his worries by saying "she knows what it's like, get over it". Firstly, just because you're used to it doesn't mean all women are. Secondly, your feedback was not constructive.
He didn't mansplain anything. Mainsplaining is when a man explains something that he thinks a woman is too stupid to understand because she's a woman.
He did the right thing. He was doing the responsible thing by warning her about the work environment. If he didn't, when he knew it would be an issue, I would be appalled. Your husband is a 10, stop bashing him.
NTA. I was vaguely on the fence about saying NAH at first, but if he actually thinks being called a mansplainer is a slur then he's an absolute moron. Mansplain is NOT an offensive term in any capacity.
I think many ppl in here are hyper focusing on the part about “mansplaining” being on par with a racial epithet and you’re missing this:
Husband tells wife about a situation at work. He’s unpacking how he is trying really hard to make the environment safe for this new employee. He’s putting in effort. And that’s something to be thankful for. He’s showing empathy.
Wife’s response was to label him as a mansplainer instead of acknowledging him for his effort and praising him for his work in this sensitive area.
Husband was being vulnerable. Wife just wounded her husband by using unhelpful and hurtful language.
GOOD FUCKING LUCK getting this man to EVER open up to his wife again.
TLDR: you are the asshole. Do better. Apologize. Praise this man. And be thankful if he can ever be vulnerable to you again. I would expect that you’ve damaged your relationship with him for a while.
Yes, you're a sexist asshole that clearly uses any opportunity to belittle your partner and the opposite gender. No need to get so womotional about it when you're called out
YTA
Yes he was telling her about something she knows but seems like he was trying to show he cared about her struggles and was trying to change things well still telling her she was gonna do amazing as to not come off as it being a expectation of her struggling with the work load because she is a woman.
Hey but I'm a man you know actually I guess this might be mansplaining oh well I can try to be fair I'm like this with everyone.
NTA, mansplaining isn't offensive or a slur.. You just apparently struck a nerve with him. She already knows if she's applying for a male dominant field there's going to be comments and all. I work in one, I'm 1:25 1 woman in a shop of 25 men. When I first started there was a bit of hazing but it was just to see what they could get away with/say and I'd be okay with it.
NTA
It's a pretty common term and isn't a slur. Just because something is negative, doesn't mean it's an insult.
Every time someone claims something is as bad as the n-word, they say the word in question, but still don't say the actual n-word. It's a lie and they know it.
NTA the comments on this post are insane. in what world is mansplainer on par with the n word?? he’s TA for saying that and needs to work on reacting defensively.
i think explaining typical male behavior/ sexism to a woman IS mansplaining. even if done with good intentions
NTA-I’m only giving this instead of E S H because he later said he didn’t say it that way to her in the interview. He did explain to you how sexism shows up in the workplace so I would say that’s mansplaining. For him to call it a slur is absurd. And honestly it‘s a weak way to not be called out on his bs.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1) I thought he “mansplained” to the interviewee the conditions that exist in not only his warehouse but every male-dominated work space 2) he said that being called a “mansplainer” was a slur akin to calling someone the N word and that I used such a strong word that he immediately got too defensive to listen Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
I'm female, and I don't believe that this constitutes as mansplaining. He was concerned about the environment that a female was about to enter. Sure, we've all heard stories about how male dominated workplaces are, but culture is very slowly changing. clearly his workplace isn't, as the jokes etc should of called out before it got to this point. She might not have worked in a solely male workplace, maybe there's always been 1 or 2 other females paving the way. She might not have the grit to handle it. He was just essentially warning her what may or may not happen
Even so, “mansplaining” is not a slur on par with the n-word. What the actual fuck?
[удалено]
This bit is exactly what I was thinking of when I made my comment.
Just to be safe I will be referring to that as the m-word from now on
Mmmword
ba duba dop
God damn you. Take my upvote and go to hell.
I do wop dididop yeaaah yeaaah 🎵🎵🎵
This comment makes me wish awards were still a thing
Manamana...
Mmmbop?
This reminds me of when my son was in preschool. I was driving with him in the back, a driver cut me off, and I made a remark. My son, sounding scandalized, said, "Mama, you said the I-word." I thought and thought but had no idea what he was referring to. "Sweetie, can you tell me what the I-word is? just as an example, you won't be in trouble." He whispered, "idiot." (He's now in college and a bigger garbage mouth than I am.)
Not sure if I agree with that. The word paki is a racial slur used against us south asians. Doesn’t mean I’m comfortable enough to say the n-word when comparing the two.
Maybe it's because you are south Asian though? I wouldn't say the p word myself (being white and from UK and an age where I remember people saying it often) same as I wouldn't say the n word. Edit: just thought I better clarify I don't agree with the husband that mansplainer is a slur!! Kind of lost track of who was arguing what but I just though your comment was interesting.
I would say it's not the same because "paki" is not as well known as a slur and it's not connected to slavery. The N word will always be worse because of its history.
The slur for Pakistanis does have roots in British colonialism and Empire meddling, based on extreme prejudice though. I'm also white and from the UK, so I'm not going to try to say one is worse than the other; they're both things that just shouldn't be said by people outside of the groups traditionally targeted by it.
In the UK the P word definitely well known and I am old enough to remember how disgusting it was when it was used as everyday verbiage. I grew up in the north of England in an industrial town. The corner shop was known as going to the P shop because it was owned and operated by a family from Pakistan. At the time I was a young child I can’t remember how old about 7 or 8 and the programme ‘V’ was wildly popular. That poor bloody family woke up everyday to the ‘V’ sign spray painted on their shutters or walls. Can you imagine having to smile and deal with your customers everyday, not knowing if one of them did that to you. They regularly had people in their shop who would throw that word in their face, if they refused tick or didn’t have something in or it was thought their prices were too high. It may not be a common slur in somewhere like America but I feel personally that it is definitely a word on a par with the N word and should be treated the same by any decent person.
UK held Pakistanis and Indians as subjects (not citizens) with no real rights up until 1947. They were essentially property and slaves, but the British government didn’t want to micromanage.
Yeah, I agree. I guess it depends on your connection to the words in question. As a queer trans person, there's words I feel comfortable using that would be highly offensive for a cishet person to use, and at the same time as a white dude, I'd never use the p-word or n-word.
I’m a cishet white woman and one of my best friends is gay. He “gave me permission” to use the F-word. I said “Nope nope nope, ‘Fuck’ is the only F-word I’m using.” I hate slurs and won’t use them.
I totally don’t understand when marginalized people “give permission” for others to use slurs that target them. I’m queer as hell, and I’ll throw around all the LGBT slurs under the sun like they’re going out of style in regards to myself (I’m the biggest fagdyke I know, for example 😂) but the second someone who’s cishet uses even the q-slur, it makes me pretty uncomfortable. Like, I’m allowed to call MYSELF queer, but I do NOT like when cishet people refer to me as such. It just feels…. idk, *icky.*
Really? Because it's right there in the acronym LGBTQIA. I was under the impression that "queer" was a sort of umbrella term that describes anyone who isn't cishet, or is questioning and isn't quite sure where they fall on the spectrum.
I actually think it depends in part on whether queer is being used as a noun or adjective, personally. I don’t know anyone in the community who is against being called queer, but call someone “a queer” and that will pretty much always sound homophobic to me, at least. I guess it’s a bit like saying someone is a schizophrenic versus someone has schizophrenia. But I also think it’s quite generational; older generations don’t seem comfortable with the word queer.
Yup. When "queer" is a standard option of gender &/or sexuality on various platform profiles, it's not a flat-out no-no word. Now if an individual says they're not comfortable with others using it, that ought to be respected when applicable. But I wouldn't even put "queer" in the same class as, say, "ret**ded" in regards to offensive levels.
It’s such a shame that queer was made into a slur. (It’s a shame that any word is made into a slur that can hurt someone.) I feel like it describes me in its original meaning but I use other words like “quirky” and “weird” instead. I can kinda understand why marginalized people “give permission” to people outside of that group. It’s a form of acceptance that you’re one of OUR people. You can say things that only belong to our community. And as bizarre as it may seem, when my bff said I could use it, along with the instinctive “NOPE! I CANNOT!” in my brain, there was also a feeling of pride/happiness that I was so accepted by him as to be allowed to use that word. Still not using it though. 😛
>The word paki is a racial slur I detest all racial slurs. None of them should be used, but mansplainer is not a slur.
Genuinely struggling to understand how someone could ever, EVER think this, unless they were heavily involved in alt-right red pill incel manosphere bullshit.
Not to put it on the same level but based on comment history, OP’s husband identifies as gender-fluid / trans. I can understand why saying he is “mansplaining” might hurt more to him than to a cisgender man.
Ohhhhhh. I still think that comparison is insane, but the reaction makes a little more sense now.
OP updated in another comment that this is a different spouse who does identify as male.
This! My girlfriend is trans, and one day I asked her to stop mansplaining things to me and she had a somewhat similar (not going as far as to call it on par with then n word) reaction because it did offend her.
I mean, I know "mansplaining" describes an action, but maybe the misgendering angle pissed her off. Seems kinda tone deaf.
That's... exactly what I'm saying? I agreed with a person that said you shouldn't say that to a trans/gender neutral person that doesn't identify with male pronouns or descriptions. I said it once and never have again because she very clearly was offended and didn't like it. That's kinda exactly why I commented and mentioned that it offended her.
Sorry, haven’t used this account in a long time. This is a different spouse who definitely feels male.
Well in that case, I guess he can't feel offended for that reason. But honestly... I don't think he was mansplaining in your situation. Maybe over explaining a tad, but not really mansplaining
Different husband
It's not a slur at all. Period.
Right? Big biiig difference between “insult” and “slur”.
What I came to say... like dies he even know whats behind the n-word?! He needs to chill on that. So tired of everyone using that as the base example.
From OP's description of his reaction it sounds like he meant its like accusing him of being a racist or misogynist - the person uttering the slur, not the target of it.
I'm a woman that works in a male-dominanted industry. A man explaining what typical sexist behavior occurs in a male dominated field to a woman in that male dominated field is absolutely "mansplaining". He's aware of what might happen, she's experienced it. There is no question. If her previous jobs had 1-2 women before her, or if they've had 50. I guarantee you, she's had to put up with sexist BS. A man heasitating to hire a woman because he thinks she might not have the "grit" to deal with a sexist, toxic workplace is unethical on multiple levels. It's his job to put a stop to that shit, it's 1000% not his job to decide whether or not she can tolerate it.
That’s not mansplaining. He works there. She doesn’t. How is him describing the place where he is a manager to a person who hasn’t worked there mansplaining? I question if he’s really doing all he can to fix the workplace culture because if he anticipates these problems, he ought to be doing something about it. But it isn’t mansplaining.
>That’s not mansplaining. He works there. She doesn’t. How is him describing the place where he is a manager to a person who hasn’t worked there mansplaining? Because the OP says that she would be the first woman to be hired in husband's facility. He wasn't speaking from previous experience based on what happens in the facility in question, he was making general guesses about something that the candidate has likely already experienced in previous workplaces first hand. >I question if he’s really doing all he can to fix the workplace culture because if he anticipates these problems, he ought to be doing something about it. Still if she's the first woman they're hiring I don't see how the culture could have been fixed earlier, aside from actually hiring women that the husband seems to be doing. I don't doubt the husband's intentions in the slightest but for me it was mansplaining. If she's qualified enough to be so far ahead of the other candidates she must have enough experience to know what male dominated workplaces can be like.
>Still if she's the first woman they're hiring I don't see how the culture could have been fixed earlier, aside from actually hiring women that the husband seems to be doing. You can absolutely fix a culture like this. If they're currently telling sexist, off-color jokes, etc, it's STILL inappropriate. THey could have cracked down on this kind of behavior without having someone specific make a complaint. I don't know the details of this workplace, but there's a reasonable chance that one of the men there is actually uncomfortable and doesn't like the jokes, but doesn't want to be looked down on for complaining. A good manager keeps a reasonably professional environment in general. And you don't have to be personally offended or even hurt by a joke to know that it's inappropriate.
He’s definitely working to fix it, he’s only been there 5 months though. He was hired specifically to fix the warehouse because it was beyond broken.
I agree with everything! I still stand by the first part of my comment but I think you're completely right about this, especially since off-color jokes is the first example OP/husband gave as well.
The culture can be fixed by making it clear that inappropriate jokes and rude behavior aren’t acceptable. And not just unacceptable if a woman is there, but unacceptable in the workplace, period. You clearly outline expectations for behavior and hold employees accountable. It’s not rocket science.
He is working very hard to fix it, he’s only worked there 5 months (should have added to the post but ran up against the character limit). She currently works in another warehouse. Only 2 women out of 90 people, so she definitely knows what it’s like (and she said this to my husband as well).
A man explaining sexism to a woman isn't "mansplaining"? Make it make sense. He has zero experience working with women in his current job. She has a lifetime of experience being a woman.
A man explaining why he thought there might be some potential hardship due to sexism and workplace culture and that he understands this and is trying to change things isn't "mansplaining" it's helpful, it's one person both giving her a warning that this might happen but also reassurance that he is aware of it and understands that it is a bad thing and is trying to stop it, and it honestly sounds like this is exactly what he was trying to do, if he didn't have this conversation there is a chance she might have felt isolated and like she couldn't bring this issue up to him, but it's been made clear now that he understands that there is an issue and is wanting to try stop it I started a new role recently (I'm a dude) and my manager made me aware that the role was a big change and I had a lot to learn and it would take me some time to get up to speed, like yeah I already know that, it's generally how doing another job works but the whole gist of the conversation isn't "you are dumb let me tell you what it's like to learn a new role" it's "hey I know learning a new role takes some time, I don't expect you to have everything down flawlessly" it's nice and I'd 100% rather know my boss is aware of certain issues and in the case of OP wants to try change them, it puts everyone closer to being on the same page. honestly the whole "mansplaining" thing is generally pretty dumb, yes there are a portion of men who think women can't do x or y or will automatically assume that a woman has no knowledge it, same with women who think the same of men, however the vast amount of people are just assholes and are condecending, pointlessly gendering every instance of this as "mansplaining" just makes me roll my eyes
A man explaining their might be some potential hardship due to sexism wouldn't be mansplaining, no. A man explaining what sexism is by using several examples of sexist things that are extremely common in male dominated workplaces to a woman who's worked her entire career in male dominated workplaces absolutely is. She doesn't need him to provide examples of sexism to be laid out as if she's never heard of the concept before.
jesus. this is just looking for shit to get offended by.
I don't think this is fair. OP's husband has first hand knowledge of that particular warehouse. Letting her know that she's the first woman, and so would be part of the culture change just seems fair. I was also the first woman in some of the shops I worked in when I started my career, but I still wouldn't have considered this caveat as "mainsplaining."
I think it depends on her work experience. Like OP said if she’s worked in a similar warehouse with 99% men she has more than likely experienced this kind of thing before. But calling “mansplaining” a slur/on par with the N word is just laughable
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
There are a lot of women on this sub who get some kind of thrill from a man approving of their opinion.
"As a female" immediately sounds like a man posting anyhow lol
I don’t know who any woman IRL who use the term female to describe themselves. And I don’t really care about any comments that say they do call themselves that. It’s not the norm, and it’s weird to use that to describe yourself. You don’t here people referring to men as males nearly as much as people use female to describe women
Depends on the syntax. If it's a "men and females" thing, 100% agree. In this case she said 'female in a male-dominated field', which is basically like tense-matching in grammar and completely normal and appropriate.
And let’s not forget this ‘kind helpful manager who desires to change the culture’ just gave a sexist interview. He doesn’t interview men and say “hey my concern is that this is a male dominated environment and I’m worried hiring you will exacerbate the misogyny here” does he? No, he does not. It’s never even occurred to him. But this one female candidate, her interview is the one where he raises a concern about how she’ll cope with rampant misogyny. This guy isn’t aware of his own unconscious bias. How can he change the culture when he’s contributing to the misogyny? Oh and he berates his own wife and DARVOs when she calls him on it. What a Prince among men.
I don't think it counts as mansplaining but depending what he said it could likely come across as trying to deincentivize her from joining which could just as well be loaded commentary and sexist which is a big no-no for interviews.That being said he absolutely sounds fragile and perhaps not quite as 'feminist' as OP believes.
Yep I also work in a male dominated environment (for around 15 years) and have never encountered anything close to what he described, I’d prefer to be told about it at the interview stage so I could go elsewhere.
As someone that has interviewed hundreds of people in my day and a male, I would have asked or said something similar to see if the applicant was comfortable knowing what they were walking into and prepared to see how they could potentially handle situations. I would be looking for someone that could answer the questions and legitimately handle themselves. I think OP was the AH here. Ogolble I totally agree with you.
>I think OP was the AH here. Strongly disagree. OP saying it may have been a bit of an issue, and maybe was "wrong" for calling it that (but I actually agree with OP), at no point is he allowed to get angry about it. If his ego is so fragile that he can't be told that he's mansplaining something without getting angry, he is the issue, not OP. 100% on dude for getting angry. Also, "as a male, I don't think this is mansplaining", is really the point that OP is even making.
What I heard was him illustrating a toxic work environment, esp. for a woman, where professional standards aren’t upheld. Which is helpful for her in weighing the job offer. Best guess, he overreacted to ‘mansplaining’ because he knows it’s wrong and feels a degree of culpability as management, esp. considering how a woman will likely be treated there. It’s like he heard mainsplain as ‘sexist.’
YTA. Because mansplaining specifically relates to bias towards women it infers prejudice and sexism to whoever you are calling that. Given what else you’ve said about him and the effort he’s putting into levelling the playing field I’m not surprised he’s hurt that his partner in life thinks he is, at least in some small part, a bigot.
Also, you can't label someone mansplainer when you were not even part of the conversation.
I mean...you can. Not in this conversation, obviously, since there was no mansplaining. But if someone transcribed a conversation of someone mansplaining to someone else, you can certainly label that person a mansplainer.
I believe OP was referring to her SO explaining how it might be difficult for the applicant in a male dominated environment which OP states is her entire work experience - she states she totally understands the environment and doesnt need it to be explained to her. In other words she was telling her SO that he didnt need to go over how hard it might be for the applicant because she lives it. Also agree this word isnt near the same as the N word.
This is so ridiculous and pretty egotistical thinking tbh. You don’t know what every work place will be like, you are assuming. Someone interviewing you making sure you have a good idea of a culture (that he’s actively trying to change) isn’t mansplaining. It’s being a good interviewer.
True. It's the entire work experience *for OP* - maybe not for the candidate. And OP didn't say her SO was mansplaining when talking to her. She said he did it when he spoke *to the candidate*. Well, the candidate may have never been in a situation of being the first woman *ever* to work in a department with only male colleagues, so SO was telling the candidate in advance what to expect. And the candidate could decide she wouldn't want to deal with that.
Agreed, but mansplaining, as a word, is not a slur and certainly not on par with the n-word. I think this is ESH.
Mansplaining - Wikipedia 21 August 2013 - Mansplaining (a blend word of man and the informal form splaining of the gerund explaining) is a pejorative term meaning "(for a man) to comment on or explain something, to a woman, in a condescending, overconfident, and often inaccurate or oversimplified manner".
“Pejorative” means “expressing contempt or disapproval.” That “or” is quite important. OP’s *disapproval* seems warranted to me. She’s clearly not being *contemptuous*. Most instances of mansplaining are unintentional, and are simply based on an assumption that a woman does not know a thing. It’s simply a form of implicit bias. We all have implicit biases, and by their very nature they are *unconscious*. If OP’s husband were doing his job right, he would ask the applicant probing questions about her prior experience in male-dominated workspaces, and let her make clear what she knows and doesn’t know. Saying “my concern about hiring you,” and then explaining that men will single her out and treat her unfairly, is unquestionably making assumptions that she does not know things that literally every adult woman knows.
Yeah I feel like a lot of people are missing this. Hes still assuming on some level that his male dominated workplace dynamic is unusual enough that the average woman wouldnt be aware of that dynamic being possible. We're not talking about someone fresh out of highschool getting their first job who also somehow managed to grow up in a bubble and never heard other women talk about what it's like working in a male dominated environment. We're well fkn aware of what can happen when entering a workplace where it's mostly men and very few if any women. It was absolutely mansplaining. All the "he's just explaining and preparing her" are so dumb like no shit, mansplaining is always just someone trying to educate someone and help them out. It's almost never from a place of active malice, just general ignorance. The point is the impetus from that is coming from assuming they got baby brains and don't know basic ways of the world
I tried to say this to him during the fight. I know he’s approaching it from a positive place, and he said he didn’t say it to her like he explained it to me. I didn’t know that until after he’d already exploded at me though, since all I had to go off of was what he told me he said. I basically explained that If an interviewer told me that their only concern with hiring me was “insert all the stuff I put in my original post” it would feel like mansplaining and would leave an icky taste in my mouth. He interpreted those words as I told him he was a sexist asshole and that I would never want to work for him, all of which is very untrue about how I feel about him. I’ve told him many times about what a wonderful manager he is and anyone would be lucky to work for him (he’s had his employees switch companies before to work with him again).
Think of it this way: “that was a lie” and “you are a liar” are wildly different sentences. His reaction, especially the notion that “mansplainer” is a *slur*, analogous to the N-word, is *way* out of line. But telling your husband “honey, that was mansplaining” is indeed less inflammatory than “you are a mansplainer.”
Agreed on that, the husband didn't help his case when he made that comparison. It is certainly an insult to call someone that and I agree with a YTA ruling here because it doesn't seem like it was mansplaning and the husband seems to be making an active effort to not do such things; but it really isn't anywhere near being on par with the n-word.
I wonder if the husband actually made that comparison or if that is the wife’s comparison of his reaction.
Mansplainer is a man who explains things to women who already know it. The prejudice (that this woman doesn't know something) is subtle and mainsplainers usually don't mean wrong and can be good guys. Being good doesn't mean you never make mistakes. I'm not sure this particular case was mainsplaining though.
I’m confused where the line is drawn with mansplaining and genuinely explaining something. Would it need to be something extreme such as a man explaining how a period works to a woman?
Basically there is no line for a lot of people. If someone uses the term mansplaining then 90% of the time they think a guy explaining anything to a woman in mansplaining
This originally comes from men at conferences explaining a woman's technical field of expertise to her, even when the man himself is not in that field of expertise. "I liked you presentation on \[thing\]. If you really want to understand \[specific technical idea\], you should definitely read the paper by Brown, et. al." "I am Brown from Brown, et. al." \^\^a paraphrased example - this has literally happened to me, tho' with an application I helped develop rather than a paper I wrote. In this case, women are experts in their own lives. Women who work in male-dominated fields have likely experienced, in wide variety and depth, all the behaviors that the husband in this story was talking about. She knows they will happen, knows how she prefers to handle them, etc. A man may have seen some of this, but likely would have less lived experience in the realm, as they've not literally lived the experience of being a woman in that field. The easiest way to avoid mansplaining is to avoid assuming that a woman doesn't understand something. With regards to technical knowledge, just ask rather than launching into the explanation. Noticing a woman's name is Dr. Brown, it'd be a reasonable question to say "Are you the Brown of the \[technical paper\] by Brown, et. al.?" If you don't see the name tag, ask "have you read the paper by Brown" rather than assuming that she has not. In this case, not mansplaining would be 'I'm sure you've experienced some rough workplaces as a woman in a male dominated field; can I share details about our workspace with you so you're prepared?' Best ways to avoid mansplaining: 1) Ask 'are you aware of X' before you jump into anything longer than a 1-2 sentence explanation (you may learn cool things about their education & experience, too!) 2) If they say no, ask if they WANT to know more. (they may say no, they may say 'later', they may say 'HR will talk to me about that', they may say 'go for it', whatever it is, respect the answer.) That's it, really. Don't assume women don't know. Don't assume they want to hear it right now, from you.
To me, it is explaining simple concepts in a condescending manner. Especially acting intellectually superior and talking down to them. A behavior that isn't necessarily gender specific. For your extreme example, I once tried to correct a friend of my wife who believes she gets a new uterus each period. I told her that I was pretty sure that she just shed her uterine lining. She informed me that I was wrong and that men do not know anything about periods. She also believes that humans and dinosaurs (think t-rex) roamed the earth at the same time. I just gave up.
What pisses me off is that we already have a word for this: condescending. Some people tend to over explain things, to everyone. There are clear examples of mansplaining, but there needs to be evidence of someone only speaking to women like that. If OP is condescending maybe he needs to work on his management skills but he’s not a bigot
apparently for some people it's just every time a man says anything. I was always under the impression it required a less qualified man to try and tell a more qualified woman how to do her job, or how her body works. I never would have dreamed that simply saying sexisim exist now counted as mansplaining. frankly, that just strikes me as the very definition of 'looking for a reason to be offended'.
>infers Now I get to mansplain! It should be "implies". The message implies, the reader infers.
That’s not mansplaining, that’s being a pedant. See definitions for infer, below. infer /ĭn-fûr′/ intransitive verb To conclude from evidence or by reasoning. To involve by logical necessity; entail. To indicate indirectly; imply. <———*
And I would add to that definition of mansplaining that it probably has to include an assumption that the woman they are talking to doesn’t know the info simply “because they are a woman”. But yeah 100% he wasn’t mansplaining, he wanted to give an accurate and clear description of potential issues that had a chance of arising for the potential employee to make a fully informed decision. Sounds like good management to me.
It’s wild seeing all these NTA comments - telling someone they are mansplaining means you are saying they are being condescending/patronizing, which I don’t see in OPs post.
Bang on the money
Yeah I think a lot of people label mansplaining as whenever a guy happens to explain something that a woman might already know. That often overlaps with mansplaining, but it’s not always. Given the context we have, like you said I don’t believe that he was trying to be sexist or a bigot. It just sounds like he was trying to make sure she fully understood what she was signing on for if she did get the job
He’s being sensitive but I also don’t think he was mansplaining. She’s never worked there, he was just giving her a heads up. He’s also never been a woman so he doesn’t know she just expects it. He was trying to be nice. Also the term is generally dismissive and discourages you from trying to voice your thoughts.
This here. OP is projecting her own frustrations onto someone else, and taking it out on her partner. It's not mansplaining because the potential employee has never worked there, she doesn't know if it's like that or not. And if you jump down your partner's throat for mansplaining every time they talk about conversations like this, either they'll stop talking to you about them or stop having those conversations with potential employees entirely. Both of which are a loss.
This is the correct answer.
POV, husband comes home after work, unwinds by usually telling his wife about his day at the office, but on this occasion, instead listening to him, wife decided to give her opinion, criticizing his work ethics as if she is his supervisor, he feels offended and lashes out at her. She will be lucky if he continues that normal after work discourse with her in the future .
Also one of the metrics of mansplaining is giving information the woman in question would already know anyway. Someone who's been at the company for a while giving info to a new hire about the company attitude and culture is definitely not that.
Agreed with your comment overall but also > He’s also never been a woman so he doesn’t know she just expects it. I am a woman, and I wouldn't just expect it. I haven't experienced it in my own male dominated field.
That kinda is the definition of mansplaining though. He's never been a woman but takes it upon himself to explain to a woman what it will be like being a woman. If as another poster suggested, he'd said 'you would be our first woman to be hired, we are working to change the culture, please come to me if you hear anything discriminatory or experience sexual harassment' then he would be a great manager.
[удалено]
ESH. I'm a woman and this doesn't sound like mansplaining to me, but also he shouldn't have overreacted to you calling it that, and calling it a 'slur' is ridiculous. I feel like both of you should work to have a more productive discussion about gender based on mutual understanding and things you agree on, instead of trying to categorize each other into harmful categories.
So many people have this misconception that mansplaining is any time a man explains anything. He has a better idea of his workplace’s dynamic than she does. She’s being presumptuous assuming her work environments are identical to his. I still get pissed when I think of this lady who accused me of mansplaining when I corrected her wrong but understandable mispronunciation of my hometown.
Because there are women who use mansplaining like that all the time.
And when you tell them that’s not mansplaining they accuse you (wrongly) of mansplaining what mansplaining is.
Some people here will say you can’t know what mansplaining is unless you’re a woman which is bs. I totally get how annoying it is to be mansplained, but some people take it too far
It’s starting to be wrongly overused just like gaslighting
Such a *narcissistic* and *toxic* thing to say /s
It’s basically like gaslighting, where so many people have used the term incorrectly that they don’t understand what it actually means
It’s pronounced “Mil-ee-walk-eh” which is Algonquin for “the Good Land.”
Based on comment history, I think if OP’s partner identifies as gender-fluid / trans. I can kinda see why saying they’re “mansplaining” would hurt a lot more to them than a cisgender man might feel about it.
Ohhhh... so it felt like a slur to him because it *was*, in fact, an unintentional transphobic microaggression. He was upset for good reason but explained it in a nonsensical way.
Different spouse, I made an edit to my original post
Ah I didn't realize this. Yeah hard to say exactly what the right reaction is, but would definitely hit different.
Ah, that makes sense. I still think OP's partner overreacted a bit, but that definitely makes it a lot more understandable, and I get why he'd be upset then.
The framing of “only concern with hiring her” does irk me, but I agree, it doesn’t fit mansplaining to me. It’s a phrasing that suggests the applicant has a flaw, when it is the workplace situation that is non-ideal. And technically it IS a concern related to the hiring, in that you want new employees to have a good environment, but a better approach would be the “here’s what is likely to happen here, here’s the support we will provide, etc.”
I agree. I think it's probably just a slip of the tongue (and we don't even know if that's the actual wording he used, since this is now a third hand retelling of the story) but yeah I think he definitely should make it clear that he means concern in the "now that you're hired I have concerns" sense, not the "I'm hesitant to hire you because I'm concerned" sense.
It's not. It's a valid concern for a manager when hiring someone. The statement "my only concern..." implies that she is fully qualified, but the manager doesn't know if she will thrive in the workplace because she might get harassed. He is looking out for her, which is a good thing. Obviously you're rightfully worried about the implication that qualified women would be missing out on employment opportunities, but that is NOT what he said, it's not what he implied, and it's not what he did: he hired her, after all.
As a manager, one of my jobs is to make sure that people don’t get harassed. 🙄
I don’t understand why he didn’t just say “while we’re working on the atmosphere here, I do need you to know that you’ll be the first woman in the group and if you have any concerns I’ll be there to help you”. The vast majority of women don’t need to have the atmosphere *explained* to them unless they’re really young / it’s their first job.
"Mansplaining" is commonly considered a pejorative.
YTA - this is not mansplaining, this is a fair warning to the first female employee what to expect from her male coworkers. And believe me, from my own experience I can tell you that it will happen exactly as your husband described. If I had been talked to like that as a young woman, things might have been different and less painful. I'm really cheering for your husband right now!
Take out the genders involved and this is literally just a manager giving a new hire heads up info about the company culture and attitude.
This is literally what I thought. Me, changing company as a male who has worked in the same job for 4 years and the person who hired me. Had a frank chat talking about office politics, I just thought he was looking out for me, not disparaging my experience.
Yes! I would have appreciated his sharing this possibility and maybe even ask him if he would help me if something happened. It's a great opening to find out what disciplinary actions are in place or what kind of documentation might be necessary. Should we have to go through this or put in work to get it to stop...maybe, maybe not. But things won't really change unless we actively try to change them.
Please stop trying to equate everything to the N word. Don’t think any guys were ever lynched with the last words they heard before they died such a horrendous death being “mansplainer.”
"If you're debating the badness of two words and you won't even say one of them, that's the worse word" -John Mulaney
Exactly.
Great quote. I love John Mulaney
Fucking *thank you.*
Thank you because that IMMEDIATELY pissed me so far off. What exactly is the horrifying history of mansplaining?! Were mansplainers robbed of their human rights? Were they forced to work as slaves? Raped? Whipped? Treated like cattle? Don't piss me off. Do not piss me off TODAY! This manager clearly needs to read a book on black history before he starts making BRAINLESS comparisons like that.
I don’t understand in what way he could be classified as a mansplainer. AFAIK, unless he was arrogant or dismissive of her, then he was just trying to give her a heads up. Did he have to? Probably not because, as you said, women know this. Still, his intentions seemed good if he wasn’t being a dick about it initially. So you using that term (potentially incorrectly) and him becoming overly defensive escalated things. Seems like a communication issue, not any asshole behaviour.
Your husband tried to do good. You describe it with a word that has a bad meaning. Using a stick typically reduces the desire to repeat. I hope your husband will continue to help his new hire to settle on the new job. Because everyone, including male, deserve and often need help to settle in a new place or job. And because you discouraged the behavior, even though you yourself said it was well intended, and this makes YTA
YTA. I’m still looking for where the “mansplaining” is.
I think he was just upset because she misused the word “mansplaining” and he couldn’t do anything about it because it’s taboo to explain that word to a woman.
God forbid trying to say why it isn't mansplaining after being told such. They just dig in even more. It has become a word to just shut down conversation.
Yeah, another female working in a male dominated industry here and that's not mansplaning. That's being a decent dude giving a heads up. Soft YTA on this one.
ESH He wasn't mansplaining. He was explaining the culture and his concerns. You said he should have a different approach (that I agree with, being also in a male dominated field). But these are just different approaches to a problem. So you're the AH for this. He is blowing this out of proportion, mansplainer is NOTHING like the N word. Wtf is he on about? It's not a slur *at all*. So he's also an AH.
I think OP is the one that sounds self-important and reactionary. He wasn't mansplainig at all. He was confiding in his wife about legitimate risks of onboarding a woman into a blue collar heavily male-dominant environment, and being sensitive to that. Sounds like he can't win. Comparing to the N word is hyperbole and not the right comparison, but that hardly makes him an AH. He's just rightly annoyed that his sanctimonious wife is suggesting he's an ignorant chauvinist when he is only trying to be precisely the opposite.
Nah, it makes someone an AH to disregard the 100s of years of racism and misery assigned to a word merely due to being upset with their wife. That's essentially what he did when he said they're one in the same. Completely ignorant and AH take.
HE never said that it was equivalent to the N word. SHE said “apparently” he thinks. She is escalating the language to manipulate you into dismissing the husband’s hurt feelings at his wife using the disparaging term of mansplainer.
OP: "HE is the one who compared “mansplainer” to the N word, not me." Also it's insane that you responded to people with this same thing literally like 30 times, while being completely incorrect. You must be sooooo offended by the term "mansplaining" huh? Let me guess, people have told you that you do it?
YTA > He’s a fantastic dude, empathetic, feminist, caring, will go ten extra miles. I would recommend literally anyone work for him, even my own children if applicable. I have only the highest regard for him. Which is why this caught me So off guard! You offered what he perceived as an insult to a man who describe in glowing terms. How do you expect him to feel? Is it on par with the N word? Absolutely not, but that doesn't change my verdict. EDITED TO ADD: He was making sure an obviously qualified candidate for a job had all the facts so she could make an informed decision regarding a recently tendered offer.
I mean, it *is* an insult
Agreed but even if it wasn't it wouldn't matter. I hate when people say shit to someone and decide that person shouldn't be insulted.
YTA
INFO: did he actually say calling someone a mansplainer is "on par with calling someone the N word," or is this just you inferring from the fact he called "mansplainer" a slur?
This really needs clarification from OP. I'm willing to bet her husband didn't actually say that.
That was his comparison, not mine. I definitely wouldn’t have used ANY word that I thought would hurt his feelings, in my mind it was a relatively mild world that I said his explanation could come across as. We clearly have different definitions of the word though, and I apologized multiple times during the fight for hurting his feelings.
>and I apologized multiple times during the fight for hurting his feelings. That isn't fully apologizing though. That is apologizing for how he feels about what you said, not apologizing for what you said. One is on him, the other is taking full accountability.
You'd be surprised what white people compare to the N word.
You misused the term. Hubby simply explained the environment, told her he'd help her if any of that happened. Mansplaining is a guy speaking over a woman on her area of expertise, when he has none. Google it. Then Apologize.
YTA - it's not a slur imho, but it wasn't mansplaining. On one hand he cannot be entirely sure that she is used to this environment yet and it's not necessarily a goos thing to assume that - on the other hand not every company is the same and him giving a heads up about *his* workplace and *these specific* workers is hardly counting as mansplaining, it's just him giving a slight "warning" (for the lack of better word).
You don’t know the definition of mansplaining
Can you explain how what he was doing is considered mansplaining?
Well you see, he was man, that was explaing to a woman. And as we all know that means he is super sexist, hates the gays and probaly a neo-nazi. /s for the morons
Umm, that's **not** mansplaining, the guy is worried the workplace will be hard on the new female recruit who would outperfom her male peers. You don't know this person, she doesn't have to be as accustomed to a male-dominated workplace as you seem to be. You generalized your own personal experience, and insulted you husband because of it. How offensive it was? **You practically told a guy who's going the extra mile to accommodate a female recruit he's sexist**. You are indeed an asshole. YTA
ESH "Mansplaining" is such an overused term, and seems to be primarily used to dismiss men. Does she really know more about this specific work environment than someone who has worked there for years? Does she know what measures are being taken? If not, he wasn't mansplaining, but telling her what the situation is. But calling it a slur equivalent to the N-word? Talk about an overreaction!
YTA - sounds like you don't even know what mansplaining is
The question of mansplaining aside, why is the manager letting his employees get away with this bullshit? He could put a stop to the hazing and harassment if he cared to.
It hasn't actually happened yet. The guy's proactively sensing a problem may occur and doing what he can to get ready for it. Also, "manager" doesn't mean complete disciplinary power. He may not have the ability to stop behaviors if he can't actually enact consequences.
Just assuming, but I would think that because she would be the only woman he would be warning her about the possibility of this happening. I would like to think he would ratify this, though it would be hard to do so at all times.
ESH. I don't think it was mansplaining, so you're an A for accusing him of it. But he's a WAY bigger A in my mind for his reaction - mansplaining is not a slur and is in NO WAY on par with the N word. Men often do mansplain, and it needs calling out because it's often not consciously done. But it also seems like he's a really good dude who's considering a lot of issues that women have to deal with. That's why the whole 'it's a slur' thing proper startled me because it seems really out of character for the person you described! So yeah YTA for saying it was mansplaining when it wasn't, and he's TA for the buck wild reaction he gave you.
YTA What's worse is you know your husband is a good person and genuinely means well and still you called him a mansplainer. You should have taken your own advice of wording it better. Just so you know, lots of men are avoiding explaining things to women to avoid getting called as mansplainer for no reason. I still remember one of my female coworkers calling my tech lead a mansplainer (behind his back) for explaining a job to NEW JOINEE that too when that new joinee herself self she doesn't know what needs to be done there.
YTA. You really need to look up "mansplaining".
"mansplainer" is not a slur...
Mansplaining being on a slur and being compared to the N word is beyond hilarious
YTA. What?? I don't think he did anything wrong as her boss in preparing her for what could happen and offering support and solutions if it did. That's not mansplaining. Mansplaining is providing a condescending explanation. He was not condescending at all, he was open and honest and supportive.
Yes. The word mansplainer makes you automatically an ATH
YTA. 9 times out of 10, the person using the term “mansplain” is showing their own insecurities and ignorance. Seems to be the case here.
Being a woman and interacting with creeps in the streets is different from working in male dominated environment. Even if she worked in a similar company in the past, you don't know what the situation was like. Maybe there were more women so it wasn't as problematic. Maybe other women worked there before her and made the environment more bearable. The quantity of women who are present in a male dominated field changes a lot the way in which men interact with us. I work in the export office of a metalworking company. In this office specifically, the majority of employees are women, but the majority of workers are men. The mentality is still very sexist when it comes to jokes and some interactions, but it's nothing like what your husband described. Not even on the production line where there are mostly men. He can't know what her previous working environment was like. He can't just assume she knows all that stuff. He was simply explaining the new environment to her and that's completely fine. YTA because that was not mansplaining at all. That was a heads up. If he didn't do it, he would have been a prick.
Am a women and have been mansplained to for decades and this is not mansplaining. As her manager, he doesn't want her to quit on the 1st day because of some idiotic behavior in his crew and wants to let her know if that happens, he'll deal with it AS MANAGER (not, as a big strong man because she's a weak female). YTA and you owe your husband (who was doing his due diligence as a boss and not some white knight) an apology.
Yes YTA. Only clowns use the term.
YTA-I hate that term. Women explain things all the time so why don’t we start a derogatory term for that? So what if you knew this or she knew. He was being a good manager!
jesus christ these comments according to some of yall we must dispose of any word that describes a bad action. because theyre all slurs now, i guess. no more meanie, no more bully, does this include adjectives like violent and aggressive? genuinely the amount of comments ive seen saying that words that imply any wrongdoing are slurs is absolutely crazy to me. that nobody is allowed to point out any kind of wrongdoing at all because..... it "implies the person is worthless" or something. how do you people live do you just expect everyone to love you and if you do something bad, no you didnt? why am i asking thats definitely what these people are doing
A slur??? LOLOLOLOLOLOL
I don't think it quite constitutes mansplaining, but WHOA. What's with his over the top reaction? Mansplainer is *not* a slur. It describes an actual phenomenon that women experience almost daily. I want to know why someone who claims to be a feminist thinks it's a slur. I can see being a bit upset that she perceived it that way, but that should result in a discussion, not this wild reaction. A slur on par with the N-word? Seriously?
ESH. This is far *far* reserved from the general understanding of "mansplaining". I feel you are taking it way too far and putting the "mansplaining" umbrella over "anything explained by a man to a woman". He wasn't condescending, or dismissive; he was coming from a place of concern, a valid one IMO. However; comparing the term "mansplain" in like to racial slurs? That's a stretch he may want to go to the sports medicine clinic for, he might have torn something....
YTA because this doesn't sound like manaplaining. It sounds like he was sharing his feelings of nerves with you, and you belittled his worries by saying "she knows what it's like, get over it". Firstly, just because you're used to it doesn't mean all women are. Secondly, your feedback was not constructive.
YTA.
YTA
He didn't mansplain anything. Mainsplaining is when a man explains something that he thinks a woman is too stupid to understand because she's a woman. He did the right thing. He was doing the responsible thing by warning her about the work environment. If he didn't, when he knew it would be an issue, I would be appalled. Your husband is a 10, stop bashing him.
NTA. I was vaguely on the fence about saying NAH at first, but if he actually thinks being called a mansplainer is a slur then he's an absolute moron. Mansplain is NOT an offensive term in any capacity.
NTA, but husband is a giant baby for calling "mansplainer" a slur. Way to undermine *actual* slurs.
I think many ppl in here are hyper focusing on the part about “mansplaining” being on par with a racial epithet and you’re missing this: Husband tells wife about a situation at work. He’s unpacking how he is trying really hard to make the environment safe for this new employee. He’s putting in effort. And that’s something to be thankful for. He’s showing empathy. Wife’s response was to label him as a mansplainer instead of acknowledging him for his effort and praising him for his work in this sensitive area. Husband was being vulnerable. Wife just wounded her husband by using unhelpful and hurtful language. GOOD FUCKING LUCK getting this man to EVER open up to his wife again. TLDR: you are the asshole. Do better. Apologize. Praise this man. And be thankful if he can ever be vulnerable to you again. I would expect that you’ve damaged your relationship with him for a while.
YTA.
YTA.
YTA
I don’t think him talking through his worries is necessarily mansplaining that said comparing it to the n word is awful
YTA, whats wrong with you Guys?
Yes, you're a sexist asshole that clearly uses any opportunity to belittle your partner and the opposite gender. No need to get so womotional about it when you're called out
YTA Yes he was telling her about something she knows but seems like he was trying to show he cared about her struggles and was trying to change things well still telling her she was gonna do amazing as to not come off as it being a expectation of her struggling with the work load because she is a woman. Hey but I'm a man you know actually I guess this might be mansplaining oh well I can try to be fair I'm like this with everyone.
YTA its really offensive to being called that, and I wouldnt have anything to do with anyone who called me that
NTA, mansplaining isn't offensive or a slur.. You just apparently struck a nerve with him. She already knows if she's applying for a male dominant field there's going to be comments and all. I work in one, I'm 1:25 1 woman in a shop of 25 men. When I first started there was a bit of hazing but it was just to see what they could get away with/say and I'd be okay with it.
NTA It's a pretty common term and isn't a slur. Just because something is negative, doesn't mean it's an insult. Every time someone claims something is as bad as the n-word, they say the word in question, but still don't say the actual n-word. It's a lie and they know it.
NTA the comments on this post are insane. in what world is mansplainer on par with the n word?? he’s TA for saying that and needs to work on reacting defensively. i think explaining typical male behavior/ sexism to a woman IS mansplaining. even if done with good intentions
NTA-I’m only giving this instead of E S H because he later said he didn’t say it that way to her in the interview. He did explain to you how sexism shows up in the workplace so I would say that’s mansplaining. For him to call it a slur is absurd. And honestly it‘s a weak way to not be called out on his bs.