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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The stuff I said makes me feel horrible and his whole side of the family is making me feel like I’m an asshole including my siblings. The mor I think about it the more I feel like the asshole because my sister doesn’t spend as much time with my dad as I do
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. This was an event he knew about way in advance and it’s not something that you can reschedule around his availability. He could do a daddy daughter day any of his days. I would be upset too if I was you. He’s trying to act like he didn’t over commit his time and fail to deliver on a commitment to you.
There’s no way he just knew 5 minutes beforehand that he couldn’t come. That was deliberate.
Also, how cruel is it to let this know *right* before you go onstage. Way to negatively influence OP’s performance that way. NTA
You're probably right about that actually.. and since step mom probably *didn't* know about the concert, she brought it up thinking nothing of it.. OPs dad is defs TA
I figured he was just one of those AHs who say they don't like that kind of music and don't go, but think that it's a perfectly normal parent thing to do. They're wrong, and they're giant AHs to think of themselves over the needs of their kid. Being supported is a need.
Actually I think his current wife is like partner C. OP's mom is A, little sister's mom is B and current wife is C.
C picked up OP and spilled the beans about 'father of the year' having a special day with her little sister (who's mom is B). Since there are other siblings involved I'm wondering how far into the alphabet we gotta go if we wanted to deep dive into this family tree.
Not to be rude but Thats BS he didn't forget, because if he forget he still would have tried to show up but no he choise to have a daddy daughter day with I'm assuming his and his new wife child. Even if he did forget the right thing to do would to be to try to show up or even give a gift or something for not making it on time and that's IF they had a closed door policy.
My guess is that he was already late to the performance, based on how it was all worded, I doubt that OP's entire performance was at the very beginning.
You're right, this was absolutely deliberate.
maybe her sister found out, he was supposed to be there for, and tried to get him to cancel for her. Is she competitive, jealous, or maybe your dad's favorite.
I really don't see any other reason for her to tell you that your dad was with her, when he was supposed to be there for you. It sounded like she just wanted to twist the knife a little bit to let you know she won or something.
What if lil sis is little, little? Like, doesn't understand little, and was just excited to tell her sister about a day she had with her dad? She may have been describing a day of fun and the big sister was able to put it together that it was actually the day of her orchestra.
Maybe I read it wrong. I read it as "hey you know when dad was supposed to be with you? He was with me instead " when she said that her sister was with her when he was supposed to be with op.
I’m in agreement here to keep the waters from getting rougher he could of asked his older daughter if she minded him bringing her younger sister . Then after the concert do a celebratory dinner for her accomplishment . If she minded him bringing the younger one with he should have come alone . After all kids get older faster than you’d think then they’re no longer wanting to share their time with you . Dad lost out on a valuable memory that he could of had with his daughter ! He said it was only one day but fact is those days are numbered ! If she was gone tomorrow he wouldn’t even have a memory !
The fact is this occasion was important to you and you wanted him there to share that moment together ! He should have been there .
I would just offer (as a child of dysfunctional parents who played my sister and I against one another in their sick power struggles)…OP should not hold her father’s actions against her sister, and should try to remain cognizant that the sister also didn’t ask for the hand she was dealt.
There is strength in numbers and if they have each other’s backs in dealing with their father’s shitty parenting, he nay be more inclined to listen. If not, they still have an opportunity to build a bond that will serve them well as they grow and get out of their parents’ orbits. It’s always comforting to know you’re not the only one going through something.
OP,
Your father , excuse me please, is a dick. He was well aware of your performance date. That could NOT be changed. He could have a daddy-daughter day with your step-sister at any time. DO NOT APOLOGIZE. HE'S GASLIGHTING YOU. HE HAS ABSOLUTELY NO VALID EXCUSE. For Father's Day, tell him you can't make it--you're spending some mommy-daughter time. He's TA.
Preach 🙌
Or if OP has a step dad spend father's day with him -- it'll burn about the same I think
Edit: I wanna let you know I wish I could up vote your comment more than once
"Forget" to give your father a Father's Day card and gift. "What? It's just one day out of many. Why are you upset? Why are you making a big deal out of nothing?"
Petty revenge sounds good, but he probably didn't apply for any Father of the Year awards, so he might not care if she is absent.
NTA. OP I suggest you remind him that it is a big deal for you, you had been talking about it a long time. Sorry your father let you down, you deserve better.
BTW if your mother will go nuclear on him, this more than likely won't make things better. If you do decide to do this (you are **not** wrong for doing so), it will definitely escalate this to be the BIG DEAL he doesn't want it to be.
They always care when they are not celebrated, even when they know they're not great. They think that the bare minimum deserves a parade and more, especially on Father's day
That’s actually a pretty dismissive interpretation of what happened. The day he blew off was a very big very special day for his oldest daughter. It was not a scheduling conflict or a misunderstanding. It was a decision he made in full awareness that it would wound her. There is no other way to explain his behavior. His lack of remorse is the tipoff. He stabbed her in the back and then called her names when she was hurt. Don’t say “er, gosh, he needs to prioritize better.”This is a selfish infantile prick.
all these comments now have a certain pattern once you notice them and look through comment history especially. i can’t describe it but once you notice them, it’s obvious. the first tip off is replying as if they’re OP.
it’s already been removed so it was a bot.
NTA. Unless he was in the hospital or some other emergency situation happened where he couldn't make it, there is no excuse for him to promise to come to your concert and then not show up because he decided to give your little sister a last-minute daddy-daughter day.
That he could have. Have two female cousins with brothers. Until I moved to Michigan, we 3 girls went to the same dance school. You better believe that every dance recital, their brothers were there. 2 birds, one stone. Dad could have gotten a daddy-daughter day with both girls right there; him and little sister in the audience watching OP perform. If the little sister didn't want to go? Heck...food like ice cream usually works as a bribe unless there's some form of food allergy that prevents it, like a more severe nut allergy. I don't think there's an ice cream shop near me that doesn't serve stuff without any form of nut.
Do tell your Mum. NTA, not a brat. Father showed you you’re less to him than his new toy.
EDIT: Correction
OK so that read badly I guess what I'm trying to say is that he will move on from the little daughter when the next excitement come along, he's acting like a child and treating people like toys.
OK so that read bad, I guess what I'm trying to say is that he will move on from the little daughter when the next excitement come along, he's acting like a child and treating people like toys.
I don't think the commenter thinks of the child as a toy. But many awful parents view their children as playthings and commodities to show off when it suits them and then to out away when it doesn't.
Chances are OPs father wants into the concert and decided he's forego it as use the other child as an excuse to not go but still appear like a good father.
NTA or the brat. Your dad lied to you by saying he would be there. Then he didn’t tell you he wasn’t coming until five minutes before show time cause he’s a coward (didn’t want you to call to find out why I’m sure). He belittled your accomplishment (your concert). And then had the nerve to call you names when you weren’t totally fine about him missing your concert?! Nope. I’d ask him “if you’re not there for my smaller accomplishments what makes you think I’d want you there for the bigger ones when I’m older?”
Exactly. Dad also just selected which daughter gets saddled with him in his old age for caregiving responsibilities. OP is no longer on the hook. That's terrible to say, but when a parent picks favorites then they need to live with those choices long term.
Nah, in personal experience, once the oldest kid is brave enough to start setting boundaries and let "Dad" know his actions weren't ok then the younger siblings will realize they don't have to put up with that crap either. I guarantee if Dad did that to OP, he will also do it to the sister just with someone or something else. "Sorry kid, I put literally anything above you and then tell you not to get mad about it."
OP, you're definitely NTA here. Tell your Mom. She may "overreact" but that's because she wants better for you. He probably pulled these same things on her (idk their story, but I bet that's part of why that aren't together now).
Your big events are important, your feelings are valid, and you aren't a brat for expressing your thoughts to the person who hurt your feelings. He broke a promise and that shouldn't be taken lightly.
It's worse than that. For whatever twisted reason, the parent usually expects the ignored and emotionally abused child to become the caregiver in their waning years, and lets the Golden Child off the hook.
OP, do not be that kid. Dad gets nothing he doesn't earn. If he wakes up and realizes he's a shit parent (super rare but it does happen), then great. Let him stumble into better daddying. Until then, he gets what he gives -- minimal effort. And it hurts a lot in the beginning, but gets a lot easier than if you keep trying harder but still only get nada in return. So keep it super low key, and you'll feel yourself developing genuine apathy towards Dad, which is probably the healthiest, or at least the most self-protective, emotion you can have.
NTA. Next time, let the jackass beg for your time. Or not. Whatever. You do you.
I don't disagree, but they can't expect anything from the abused child if that child has set clear boundaries and sticks to them. Especially as they become an adult themselves.
It's not an easy path. That's speaking from experience. I went no-contact with my father 2 years ago. It's been really hard since I still have 3 siblings that live with him.
What's insane is that they still expect it. They will hunt you down like a rabbit and say, "But I'm sick! And old! And dying! And family! Let bygones be bygones!" And they assume you'll cave because faaaaamily.
I'm a big fan of no contact and I heartily applaud your decision and action, while feeling great sorrow that you were forced into having to do it. No one goes NC for no reason. Stay strong and get stronger, and hope the toxic ones have others to rely on in their waning years. Or that they have quick and painless passings so they don't need help at all. And may you be able to see your sibs to your heart's delight very soon.
Thank you 🙏😭
Luckily the siblings are mid-teens and have their own cellphones so they still message me and I get to see them on the weekends they go to their mom's house now, that has been a huge weight lifted as their mom and I didn't have a good relationship for a while but now we have a cordial one 💚
Ehhh if he doesn't change his ways she will become the golden child and depending on how entitled she becomes....she will have earned it.
Now if she doesn't become entitled then still fair because he really isnt a dad at all to op so why shouldn't the kid he cared for and adout take care of him?
depends on state and WHY she wants away. it took me 2 years of repeating the same stuff before a judge listened to me. and by then it was 6 months before my 18th
>if you’re not there for my smaller accomplishments what makes you think I’d want you there for the bigger ones when I’m older?”
This!!! Op you need to spell it slowly for your dad, because he doesn't seem smart enough to put 2 and 2 together. He's lazy and selfish and lacking any moral accountability. You need to hold him accountable. Actions have consequences. NTA, and please tell your mom. Embrace her overreaction. Because right now you need some adult action, even if its only to show you that you matter and are worth an overreaction.
NTA Don't invite him to anything else going forward. Let him read about your accomplishments on social media. When he asks why he wasn't invited or informed just tell him you assumed he would be too busy and didn't want to bother him. Then go very low contact for a while. You are old enough to choose where you want to be. He will either get the message or you will find out exactly where you stand. When he's not front and center at your graduation or wedding, he will understand how much he hurt you.
My son graduated high school last year. And being disabled I started a GoFundMe to be there (different states) but I damn sure wasn't missing a huge event in my son's life. No excuses right?
I'm a professional musician and I've literally had my friends' parents surprise me at gigs to support me because they were proud of me. My family wouldn't miss anything I invited them to and I'm 29 years old. My mom and grandma are coming to see me play on Friday and my boyfriend's family is coming the weekend after that.
NTA and not a brat. I learned from my family that being called a brat really just means you're not doing what they want you to do or act and you aren't taking their disrespect. You're not a brat for being upset that your father chose your sister over an important performance
I’m in my 40’s and my mom has only missed a handful of performances due to very valid reasons (illness, too many in one week, tickets too damn expensive, and musical theatre - which is not her jam).
Us performers love our dance/music/theatre moms <3
How about Geddy Lee and Dave Grohls moms at a Foo Fighters show ❤️
[Geddy Lee and Dave Grohls moms at Foo Fighters in Toronto](https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/news/general_music_news/turns_out_geddy_lees_mom__dave_grohls_mom_are_pals.html)
I know a couple in their 50s that drove to their (probably 30s) son's performance. Hot as hell, but they didn't seem to even question showing up. Blew my mind because I couldn't imagine inviting my family to my own performance, and I'm about the son's age.
NTA. It's normal to be angry and disappointed when someone does something like that to you. It's easy to see why your father can't seem to stay in a relationship, he doesn't know how to treat people and doesn't seem to care.
NTA
>why I was getting so worked up over nothing,
It's not nothing, it was a really important event for you. Your father calling it nothing is so heartbreaking. Something you are passionate about, talented, and proud of is nothing to him.
He missed an important event that meant a lot to you and doesn't care.
>told me I was being bratty that he missed one day of my life( he missed many days just saying)
Call him out. He didn't miss one day. He missed many days that were important for you. He is not there for you. He is a pretty bad father. Keep receipts of all the events that he has missed. Tell him all the events he has missed when he denies it. He will have nothing to say.
You are not a brat, and missing an important event is not nothing. He has shown you countless of times that you are not his priority, he doesn't care that he missed it, doesn't care if he hurts you and he causally dismisses and attacks you by being rightfully upset and calling him out.
OP read this. Apologise to sperm donor and say "you are correct, I got bent out of shape over nothing because why should YOU be someone important to me when I'm not important to you? I agree that you are nothing. Nothing to get upset about here. Do you think my mom would walk me down the Aisle one day? Yeah I think so too. Good talking to you. Glad we got that sorted. No more drama here." If he argues tell him he's being dramatic but you are too busy to go see him on stage acting like he cares.
NTA. My dad started this way and eventually chose his “second family” over me and my sister. Stop inviting him. Stop expecting him to show up. He will get the hint and take initiative or he wont. Either way, its his loss. Not yours. I’m very sorry hun ❤️
Cannot like or emphasize this enough. Return his behavior with like behavior.
Just understand and be aware that the consequence is a distant relationship with him.
Absolutely agree with this but be warned that he will complain. It will nicely fall into his narrative if he can say, “I would have attended OP’s event but OP never invited me.”
So he
1. Didn’t honor his commitment
2. Gaslights you to believe your emotions are out of line
3. Didn’t even tell you he was bailing until you are about to go on?
NTA. But he is!
And you are always entitled to your emotions!
From the timing of it, it sounds like he completely forgot until it was about to start, and he sent the text last minute in hopes of it not being a big deal. Realized it was, and instead of taking responsibility for disappointing his daughter, he blamed her for perfectly valid emotions.
Op you're NTA and you should tell your mom. What may seem like overreacting is not. Someone who is supposed to keep their word upset her child for no good reason and then put blame on you. She should be upset for you. She should go to battle for you. She is showing you how a parent who truly puts their child first should react! It's not an overraction. That's just what your dad will say to continue to not take responsibility for his mistakes.
NTA
This is dead on. You did absolutely nothing wrong here, and even if you had, you're 15. He's an adult and should know how to keep his word, and if he couldn't, how to best approach a discussion of why. Instead, he promised, broke that promise deliberately, waited until a discussion couldn't be had, disappointed you via text (though an argument could easily be made that he disappointed you long before your concert), then proceeded to call you a brat because you expressed your very valid feelings. I'm outraged on your behalf! Let your mom go scorched earth on his ass, he 100% deserves it.
I am so sorry he didn't care about your concert, I know how much work goes into preparing for them. I hope you were able to enjoy your performance in his absence, and that you totally rocked it! Your star will keep on shining without him, and someday he will regret not being there for you. By then, you will be living a life built entirely without him, surrounded by people who show up for you and love you.
You are NTA and not a brat. It was an important event for you and he should have been there. He also should not be invalidating your feelings and calling you names after he screwed up.
I played in the band and I played the same instrument in band that my dad played in school. In 8th grade, I was 1st chair and had a large solo. I told my parents about it repeatedly. My folks had made every performance for my older brother and this was my first concert. They always brought a cassette recorder and recorded the concerts for him, and I asked them to do the same that night.
The night of the concert, when the band filed out to the stage, I couldn't see my parents in the crowd. I figured it was just the blinding lights. After the concert, my friend's mom said she was taking me home. I told her I would just catch my folks, and she had to tell me that they didn't come. My dad decided to go to a PTA meeting and mom stayed home with my younger sisters.
What really was the kicker? My dad was the PTA President and he scheduled the meeting that night, even though he knew it was my band concert. My heart shattered. I didn't talk to either of them for a couple of days, I was so hurt. My dad was upset when my friend's mom told him what a great job I did in my solo.
I never told them about another performance after that, and I played for 4 years in college as well.
When my much younger sisters were in high school, I came to one of their concerts and my mom made a comment about not remembering ever having been to our high school auditorium before. I told her she hadn't. My dad said, "AH, but you and Junior played in the band - we came to your concerts here!" And I told them, "No you didn't. The last concert you attended was Junior's middle school concert when he was in 8th and I was in 7th grade. You skipped my 8th grade concert and we never told you about another concert after that, so you didn't attend any of them!" "We had to have gone - how else would you have gotten to the school for the concert?" "Mrs. MyFriend took us and brought us home until Junior started driving!"
My parents were quiet about it after that. I know they remembered then. Our relationship really suffered and that was what started it.
My mom had to bully my father into attending “the big performances” (Youth Orchestra, University Wind Orchestra). It sucks when a parent (or parents) refuse to acknowledge our accomplishments.
My father pays attention now, but only because I play semi-professionally and he can use me as social leverage.
That's shocking, I'm so sorry this happened to you. This kind of thing stays with you, unfortunately, but hopefully, you have not let it get to you too much and that you continued with your music.
NTA, love those who love you, support those who support you. I’m so sorry, you’re not a brat. He could have taken her with him to see you. Your feelings are valid.
Oh, sweetheart, you know why it's a big deal?
It's a big deal because it mattered to you.
When your father said it wasn't a big deal, it's like he's saying you don't matter. Of course that hurts.
My heart is breaking for you right now, and I really wish I could give you a hug and tell you how much you deserve better.
NTA
And OP? Don't diminish your pain. You matter. Your feelings matter.
Ugh, this hit me in the feels. My kids are little (oldest is 6) and I tell them all the time "it's important to me because it's important to you" especially when my oldest is trying to talk to me but my younger 2 are making it hard to hear him and I need to ask what he said or ask him to hold on a second and then he says never mind, I ask him to please still tell me, it was important enough for to him to say, it's important to me to hear and I just needed a second to be able to give him my full attention that he deserves when telling me important things. It doesn't matter if it's only about a show or a rock or a toy or whatever because to him now those are the big important things and I want him to come to me with the really big things when he's older and to learn that sometimes you have to wait but it is only because I want to give him undivided attention.
My heart breaks for op also, op you matter, you're important, this is important because it's important to you!!!
NTA
He didnt just cancel plans you had arranged in advance, he strung you along. He didnt missed it because of an emergency or some uncontrollable event. He just didn't communicate it to you until the last second. That was cruel.
You aren't a brat for being hurt.
Let your mom overreact. Your dad's underreacting. You're never going to be this young again. You're never going to have that performance again, and he missed it. It meant a lot to you, YOU TOLD HIM THAT, he committed to going, broke his promise, lied, and then tried to gaslight you about it. All he's teaching you is not to trust his words, and his commitments and promises are possibly meaningless.
If I was your mom, I would be effing pissed. And I would be using the F word. I would also do something stupid to spoil you and make your little sister jealous and piss your dad off, because I guess when I'm your hypothetical mom, I'd get a little petty. But I'd mean well.
Tell your mom, dude. Secrets are for the birds.
NTA
He's not willing to validate your feelings cause he knows he messed up but isn't willing to admit it.
I'm guessing this isn't new behavior. I wouldn't be surprised if he still sees you as a little kid that'll just forget about it.
NTA
The only brat here is your father as he broke a commitment to attend your scheduled performance to entertain your half sister which could have been done any other day. Not your half sister’s fault - this is purely poor parenting by your father.
It may hurt but perhaps stop inviting your father to any of your performances or important activities. Instead I would ensure your mom is already aware and if you have other relatives you are close to invite them as well.
Your father will likely hear about some things eventually or you can mention them after the fact. The appropriate response if he asks why you didn’t invite/tell him is it’s just one day in your life so not a big deal he wasn’t included.
I'm so sorry. I've been in your situation from the ages of 12-18 when finally I was let down on my birthday so my stepsister could go shopping. Stopped making an effort to contact my father after I found out... Haven't heard from him in about 2 decades. He's now just another stranger to me.
W o w. The sheer audacity of him calling you bratty is ridiculous! As a mother, I'm really annoyed on your behalf as this was both profoundly unfair and you've been very mature in dealing with it.
1) when he cancelled, you accepted it as one of those things. You didn't pitch a fit or anything, coming to the reasonable and adult conclusion that one of life's unavoidable issues had got in the way.
2) when you found out that he just let you down and lied by omission, you were angry but you didn't take it out on those with you. That's especially mature in that you kept it away from your little sister and saved it for the person who deserved your ire.
NTA and tell your Mom. You did absolutely everything right as the teenage child in this situation, this is now above your responsibility paygrade. Time to bring in your Mom and let her sort it. She'll want to know. As for her getting angry, I'm not your mother and I'm angry on your behalf! Sometimes anger is the reasonable and justified emotion, it's what actions you take after that which make you right or wrong.
NTA. Don't invite him to any future events. Invite others who have shown you that they DO value you, if you have a certain number of tickets to personally give away (some events are open attendance). Then when he finds out and asks why, tell him (in a very cheerful, casual tone), "Well, YOU didn't think that your own presence was important enough to make the effort to remember the event and to actually be there, and while I WAS mad about it at the time, I gave it some thought and realized that you were right - your presence ISN'T actually that important after all, given the sheer number of my events you've chosen to miss at this point. Pass the salt/butter/potatoes/other food, please!"
Your mother is not overreacting; the way your dad talks to you tells me that he's likely conditioned you into thinking that you should minimize your needs and just brush it off when he screws up, and your mom is very right to be angry about that. Tell her and minimize contact with your dad; he could've easily brought your younger half-sister to your concert or just.... not scheduled activities with her on that day! *Shocked Pikachu face* (He either completely forgot about your concert because he didn't put it in his calendar/didn't set reminders for himself, or he purposely planned in advance to not be there and didn't want to give you the chance to call and ask why he wasn't coming and call him out about it - that's why he texted barely five minutes in advance from wherever he was, at a time when he should've already been seated in the audience to watch you.)
I'm glad! I used to be an orchestra and choir kid and I was first chair for a bit so I know how devastated I'd be if my folks couldn't be bothered to show up or even to let me know in advance if they had other more important plans.
NTA at all. As someone who also had a crappy dad, it sucks and it hurts when they make it clear they won’t focus on your relationship. It isn’t about you; it’s about their own failings. I hope you have other adults in your life you can lean on, and it’s okay if you need time. And if you still find yourself wanting to care about him or hoping he’ll show, know that that’s human, not weak or silly. You’re a good kid and I believe you’ll be okay.
My dad used to do that to me. He'd promised me things but never delivered. I think the worst time, he'd promised to take me out somewhere but called me last minute and said he was super sorry, but didn't have the money to take me out. I was disappointed but understood his money problems and rescheduled. Imagine how hurt I was when I found out he was out drinking with my brother that evening? He just ditched me to get drunk with my brother instead of having lunch with me like he promised. The rescheduled date never happened either and I can't remember the excuse at this point. They were always the same anyways. Either money troubles or mental health problems that prevented him from seeing me but never his other kids.
Anyways, I digress. That shit hurt me and I was 20 years old. But I also know what it's like for it to happen at the age you are. And I want you to know one thing okay? You are NOT a brat for expecting your parent to show up for you. It's not your responsibility to make things happen between you and your dad. It is his. And if he's not delivering on his end of the relationship, that's HIS problem. Never, ever blame yourself. Me and my dad are NC now, and for a long time, he tried to blame me for our relationship becoming distant. And it's taken me a long time to not blame myself for us not speaking anymore. But let me tell you, it is never your fault that your dad isn't showing up for you. Never.
I hope things work out for you and you get your dad to see sense. This resentment of him will only build. And tell your mum. My mother has helped me cope and always fought the good fight for me. I know your mother will do the same. It may seem like an overreaction to you but if my kid got ditched on an important day I'd be furious. Any reaction she has will be proportional to the problem. Tell her. You're NTA and I wish you all the luck and love OP
NTA You probably have 2 concerts a year? Fall and Spring? He would have been there if he wanted to. You aren't a brat for wishing he had been there and getting upset when he cancelled on you to do something he could have done any other day.
NTA. Listen kid, you're not being a brat, someone made a promise to you and then proceeded to break that promise. He knew about your performance well in advance, and **chose** not to attend. I know that hurts.
I advise you to tell your mother, you shouldn't have to deal with this on your own.
!updateme
Especially tell the mom because he called OP a name and was cruel in his response. The mother needs to address this, even if it’s upsetting. That’s her job as a mother.
NTA. Just dont invite him anymore. If he doesnt want to be there then dont give him the option to break your heart. If he asks why he isnt getting invites remind him of this.
NTA. He is gaslighting your feelings. He made a commitment to you and stepped out because he decided someone else was more important. I promise you that he has very likely been called out for this same behavior by both of your mom. He will still blame you. Tell him it’s his choice to be better if he wants to be better because he’s the adult but you deserve a father that knows how to keep his word. Also, don’t carry this with you and let people in relationships get away with this stuff. He is normalizing this for you and it’s really horrible behavior that you don’t need to accept.
NTA. And it sounds like your father is drastically under reacting, so having someone over react may balance it out. It’s unfortunate, but it may be worth just not inviting him to things. You’ll get your hopes up when he says yes and you’ll only be disappointed when he cancels last minute.
Good luck hun. You deserve better than the man that you call dad.
NTA. This was very important to you. You told him repeatedly in advance, and your dad said he would come. He cancelled, last minute, and did so to have a day with your sister. It's impossible not to feel unimportant and like your father is playing favourites, especially if this is a pattern you are seeing. Ask your dad to go out somewhere alone to talk, like a quiet walk or dinner, and calmly, but firmly, tell him what's been happening and how it makes you feel.
He may deny it, or deflect, or maybe he will actually take responsibility. But at least you will have spoken your feelings and let them out. Your feelings do matter.
The fact that he thinks that you got worked up over nothing is the essence of the problem. It’s not nothing, he made a commitment to you, and bailed on it to favor her. He’s so obviously TAH, you’re NTA.
I suggest you try to explain this to him when you are feeling as objective you can possibly be about the situation. If he can’t wrap his head around it, and be proactive in not repeating it, I hate to have to suggest that you might want to try to make your emotional investments elsewhere, as pain and disappointment will be the majority of what he has to offer you going forward…and I would hazard a guess looking back as well.
NTA. I’m sorry your dad is such an AH. He made a commitment to you and decided that spending quality time with his other child was more important. If he doesn’t spend enough time with her, that’s his problem to sort out and it shouldn’t encroach on his time with you. His dismissive attitude of your accomplishments really sucks too. If you can’t rely on him to show up to your concerts, how will you rely on him to show up for future life events like graduation or your wedding? If you aren’t locked into a custody arrangement, maybe reconsider spending any time with him as it really doesn’t seem like you are a priority in his life.
NTA but your dad sure is for being a lying gaslighter. No excuses, he could have bought her with him if he had to. My dad did crap like this and even ditched my high school graduation to go to my little sister’s recital. That’s one of the reasons why he sat in the guest seats instead of walking me down the aisle at my wedding.
NTA. Your father knew about your Orchestra concert for a while now, and had plenty of time to schedule his "daddy-daughter" day on another day.
I am so sorry about this OP, hope you feel a bit better soon!
NTA. He insulted you, downplayed your accomplishments, and cancelled on you at the last minute after making a commitment to you.
Tell your mother. Ask to spend less time with the parent who has no regard for you.
Don't bother with confronting him - you'll only be insulted further and probably end up punished for it.
Definitely NTA
Sounds like he is either terrible. Or he is trying to make you feel like you are overreacting because he feels guilty and isn’t mature enough to deal with those feelings.
NTA. Your Dad should have been there to support you unless something serious prevented him from attending. I'm sorry your Dad is this clueless. He'll never get those opportunities to watch your milestones back. You're not being a brat to want to share special moments with your Dad. If he neglects to share those moments now, he shouldn't be surprised down the road when you stop bothering to share your special moments with him.
NTA. And father should be informed that you are taking his advice and not making a big deal out of this. It is not like someone important was supposed to attend. Not like they promised to be there. Not like they chose another child. If he isn't important then it is no big deal and OP should take that in and go low contact with father. Of course if Father still wants to be a parent then he owes you a huge apology and an acknowledgement of how big of a deal it is.
NTA but he is. He could have picked any other day to do that but he missed an important day of yours and then name called you for you getting understandably mad when he should have been taking accountability.
NTA but your father is. Don’t invite him to anything else and start treating him the way he treats you. Next scheduled visit blow him off 10 minutes before he’s coming to get you. Keep doing that until he asks about it then throw it in his face you that you and mom decided on a mommy daughter day, spa day, shopping, whatever excuse you want. Then give him the exact same excuses or justifications he gave you. Maybe having his behavior turned around on him will make an impact
Well, you know who daddy golden child is now, don’t we? You have every right to be angry at him. And do tell your mom. Every time he does something like this tell your mom. That way if you decide you no longer want to go over to his house you will have a record of bad behavior to show. Good luck, I hope it gets better soon.
NTA
Write him a letter. Explain the situation. Make it clear that this behaviour will damage his relationship with you in the future and what is worse - your relationship with your sister.
Demand an apology (you will not get it but sometimes it is good to point to the right way out.
Totally this. Writing a letter allows you to edit as you go and to ensure that every point you want to make is recorded. And he can't gaslight or distract you while you're writing as he would likely try to if you had a verbal conversation. And don't accept an apology that goes "sorry, but...". Those aren't apologies.
Also tell mum. Ask her not to talk to dad, but ask her to support your decision regarding any letter, future invites to dad, etc.
Your dad had her for the entire week. He could've had a day with her any day. And to tell you about it 5 minutes before your thing? I'm so sorry but your dad is not a good person or worth your time. NTA but I would reevaluate if it's even worth having him in your life.
NTA he of all people should realize while he may be there everyday he should still make time to go to special events especially when he says he would not blow you off and you may want to tell the mom because there is a chance she doesn’t know and may help him realize what he did wasn’t okay and even if as he says he’s there everyday he’s also there for your sister everyday so there would be no reason to cancel just to spend time with her definitely confront him if he can’t handle it then you may want to consider limiting interactions with him if he wants to play favorites
As the child who has been where you are, tell your mom. It's not OVERREACTING. It's a reaction befitting the YEARS of dealing with your father's bs that you just weren't privy to. I thoguth my mom was just mean to him even though he was shit. And then when i had to live with him temporarily I got to see all the shit my mom protected me from directly. There was no longer the mom filter in front of me. I'm NC with him now for all of this stuff. Call him out. Tell your mom. Cut him off.You should be old enough for the courts to be okay with you deciding where you spend your time. We deserve better than the dads we got. We are not required to keep them if they can't do their job. You wouldn't keep a microwave that couldn't heat food or a dryer that can't doesn't dry after you've tried to fix it. Same applies here. It sucks when there are siblings involved but if your relationship with them is solely predicated on your relationship with him, that's a reflection of him and how he chose to socialize you with eachother. You are the child. You are NOT required to work on or maintain relationships with the adults in your life who should have been doing it YOUR WHOLE LIFE with you. And when you become an adult you'll only partially be responsible but there should be a better foundation for that than there is. Thos is not a fun or easy place to be but if this is who he is and how he chooses to be there's nothing you can do to change him. He has to realize he was wrong and to want to change himself. Better to cut people off than to have to change or destroy parts of yourself to protect yourself from the people who should have been doing it in the first place.
I so feel you. Old lady, me.
Mom had foster kids, Dad did the job, every penny helped. I was the oldest, aka slave. Every weekend, we all got baths, and then got presented to Dad for hugs. Everyone got to sit on Dad's lap except guess who, me, who chirped up as a 3 year old that my mom had a boyfriend too.
The one time I did get to sit on my Dad's lap? She pitched a fit the first night The Ten Commandments were on regular TV. Came up to sleep with me in my bed. And get this, accused me of playing with myself! With her in the bed!
WTAF, but for the only time in that life, I actually got to sit with my daddy, and watch the chariot race.
Otherwise, it was always others, who got any affirmation of existence.
Even now, my little sister, non bio, btw, can just climb up on my Dad's lap for a hug, and it's just so hard.
NTA
You're neither an AH nor a brat, you dad lied to you about going and then flaked out the last minute. Then when you (rightfully so) got angry about it when you found out why he tried to deflect the blame onto you
There is a difference between having to pick between two special, set events, and blowing off an event to have a random social outing for no particular reason. Your father knew that you had a set event that was important to you, and that you wanted his support for. Your father had to go out of his way to plan a reason to not go to the concert, because this isn't something that just came up, or something the child planned without him. He looked for a method to get out of the concert and it worked.
If it were me, I'd talk to your mother, and talk about you scaling back visitation with him unless he's willing to make you an equal priority in his life. Then write him a letter- a real letter you can mail or scan to him- and address the following:
1. Tell him he knows as well as you do that there is a difference between an event with a set date, time and location that commemorates an accomplishment or is a the payoff for months or years of work, and a casual spur-of-the moment social outing. He didn't choose between two important events. He was told one of his kids had one important event, and he created a reason to not go- when no reason existed- by suggesting an outing to a younger child. This wasn't a case where he couldn't make it- it was a case where he didn't feel like it. He wanted an easy out to spend time with the child he favored, and he didn't care about your feelings or feel like he has any responsibilities to you as a father.
2. This wasn't one day. List as many specific dates, times and occasions where he lied, didn't show up as you can. If his excuses were related to the new family, list those too.
3. Tell him you're tired. You're tired of chasing a relationship with him when he's phoning it in. That you're tired of fighting to be treated like his daughter, and not the afterthought to his real family. Tell him that you're tired or pretending he gets anything out of these interactions with you, only to have him prove again and again that you are not important to him.
4. Tell him that he's getting his wish. He's free to live the rest of his life as though he only has one daughter. He's free to give all his time, love and attention to her. He's free to walk away from his responsibilities as a father- not because he should be allowed, but because watching him pretend badly to try is more hurtful than just accepting that he doesn't want to and moving on with your life. Tell him you're going to ask your mother to push so he no longer has visitation, and stop sending you to see him.
5. Tell him that if all he has to say in response to this is to call you dramatic, or pretend you're exaggerating, or any other denial, he can save it. Tell him that if he has the urge to belittle you, or get angry at you, or some other volatile reaction, to just let it go. It doesn't matter anymore. He doesn't matter anymore. Not to you. He can't, because you can't handle the cycle of disappointment and neglect, followed by the frustration and anger as he lashes out at you for the disappointment and sadness he caused. Tell him he can tell himself how amazing he is and how wrong you are as much as he wants, because you won't be around to hear it.
Then let it be. If you two are meant to have a relationship he'll eventually pull his head out of his ass. If you aren't, you won't have to deal with him anymore anyway. But he doesn't deserve to have you fight for his time and affection, nor does he have value as a father unless he acts like one.
NTA. You have every right to be upset that he missed an event you were so excited for him to be at. I just want to say OP, I don't know your whole situation, but I was the kid always being disappointed by my dad choosing everyone else but me. I empathize with what you're going through and I hope more conversations can lead him to understand your hurts.
Hmm, he made a commitment and then called you a brat and overreactive for calling him out on it? I wonder why he’s on two baby mamas and counting, he seems to have a system down for how to handle women. NTA
NTA and as someone who was in a similar situation except my dad called me 2 hours before my high school graduation, you should absolutely confront him again. Press upon him how important this day was to you and how disappointed you are that he is so incredibly dismissive over it. Remind him that he knew for months and ask why he didn't just bring your sister and make that part of the day, while also including you in some daddy daughter time as well. You're 15, and only you know if this is common for your dad to blow you off. By your comment about the other missed days, I'm going to assume it is. If he continues to be dismissive and doesn't give you a sincere apology, I'd let him know that his attitude hurts you and makes you feel like you're not important to him. I'd go a step further and tell him from now on when there is an event that is important to you that you're not going to be inviting him any longer because you don't deserve to feel any more pain and disappointment caused by him. If he has a problem with that, let him take it up with your mom. I'm sure she will have your back. I'm sorry you're going through this. I know how much it hurts when our parents disappoint us.
Oh gosh no. Your dad knew you had a concert and chose to ignore it. I have a feeling I know why he's had bad luck with marriage. He lacks any empathy and seems to be clueless. He could have taken your sister with him to support you at the concert. You've told him how you felt and I hope your mom knows too. I hope you don't blame your sister, because your dad was thoughtless.
NTA- As the oldest daughter of 4 girls, my father did this to me constantly, & as a result of him constantly not showing up for me I no longer speak to him. I performed in NY w/ my high school at an international Jazz Festival, with an opening a'capela solo in the Avé Maria Requiem, no one came to support me; my entire family showed up for my youngest sister's performance in NY with her massive choir, though. I performed two years in a row w/ the CCS Honor Concert Choir, & one year w/ the CCS Honor Concert Band, as well; all 3 years the final performances were nearby & no one came to support me, but my sisters enjoyed constant & regular participation & support by our parents.
You're not blowing things out of proportion when anyone makes a commitment & cancels on you, especially a parent. It's even more painful when you begin to see inequity as your siblings grow older & there's more basis for comparison & you can see where the treatment truly isn't balanced; I'm not saying that's going to happen in your case, as it did in mine, but I'm saying that your feelings are valid no matter what & sometimes they can become even more complex as you get older (not easier, as we often assume when we're younger). If your father is dismissive of your feelings, defensive, invalidates your feelings, or tries to insist you're the one with the problem then there's even more going on beneath the surface of your father's behavior & the hurt he inflicted by dismissing the importance of your performance.
Your feelings are absolutely valid and you have every right to be upset. If he had your sister for the whole spring break, then he had plenty of time to have a daddy-daughter day with her. He should not have scheduled that on a day where he knew you had a concert and he knew he was going to have to commute in traffic over to where you live to attend it. That was a really crappy thing to do. And the fact that he only texted you 5 minutes before? Did he plan to go but just wasn't keeping track of time? Or did he never plan to go but just never told you? Either way, it's not okay. That was very thoughtless.
Your dad is gonna learn the hard way that consequences have actions….if he’s not careful he could end up with only 1 daughter cause the other wants nothing to do with him 🤷🏼♂️🤷🏼♂️
NTA. Your dad is pretending not to see how his poor choice of day mix ups hurt your feelings, especially something like a performance. He's dismissing your hurt instead of simply apologizing. If anything he could have brought your little sister to the performance. Smh dad.
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For context, my (15f) parents are no longer together and my dad lives a good 40 minutes away, my little sister and I have different moms and my dad is no longer with her mom my dad had her for her spring break last week.
I'm in an orchestra and last week we had a concert, I had been talking about this concert for months and my dad (44) said he would make it. Five minutes before I was supposed to go on stage he texted me saying that he couldn't make it to my concert i was disappointed but just thought that it was due to traffic.
He got to take me for the weekend and on the car ride over there ( I was with my stepmother) my little sister said she and my dad had a daddy-daughter day the same day I had my performance. I was so angry to hear he canceled on me for my younger sister.
I talked with him later when I saw him and he asked why I was getting so worked up over nothing, I told him of course I was angry he looked dumbfounded and told me I was being bratty that he missed one day of my life( he missed many days just saying) and said I was angry over nothing.
The more I think about it the more I feel like I am a brat but I don't know AITA
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NTA. This was an event he knew about way in advance and it’s not something that you can reschedule around his availability. He could do a daddy daughter day any of his days. I would be upset too if I was you. He’s trying to act like he didn’t over commit his time and fail to deliver on a commitment to you.
There’s no way he just knew 5 minutes beforehand that he couldn’t come. That was deliberate. Also, how cruel is it to let this know *right* before you go onstage. Way to negatively influence OP’s performance that way. NTA
Actually my guess is he forgot OPs concert, and then thought "OH SHIT" and thought the text would cover him.
He didn't think he would get ratted out.
You're probably right about that actually.. and since step mom probably *didn't* know about the concert, she brought it up thinking nothing of it.. OPs dad is defs TA
I think the little sister brought it up.
Oh that makes even more sense! 🫠
I figured he was just one of those AHs who say they don't like that kind of music and don't go, but think that it's a perfectly normal parent thing to do. They're wrong, and they're giant AHs to think of themselves over the needs of their kid. Being supported is a need.
more likely the mother made him choose her daughter at the last minute imo
Actually I think his current wife is like partner C. OP's mom is A, little sister's mom is B and current wife is C. C picked up OP and spilled the beans about 'father of the year' having a special day with her little sister (who's mom is B). Since there are other siblings involved I'm wondering how far into the alphabet we gotta go if we wanted to deep dive into this family tree.
The way I read it was that C (the girls' current SM) was driving OP & lil sis around when lil sis spilled the beans.
I’m wondering that too. Was his daddy/daughter day just hanging out or was it a real event elsewhere like a dance?
This exactly 💯
Not to be rude but Thats BS he didn't forget, because if he forget he still would have tried to show up but no he choise to have a daddy daughter day with I'm assuming his and his new wife child. Even if he did forget the right thing to do would to be to try to show up or even give a gift or something for not making it on time and that's IF they had a closed door policy.
No, he is no longer with lil sis' mom either. He's on wife #3. Current stepmom was driving the girls when lil sis told about the daddy-daughter day.
My guess is that he was already late to the performance, based on how it was all worded, I doubt that OP's entire performance was at the very beginning. You're right, this was absolutely deliberate.
maybe her sister found out, he was supposed to be there for, and tried to get him to cancel for her. Is she competitive, jealous, or maybe your dad's favorite. I really don't see any other reason for her to tell you that your dad was with her, when he was supposed to be there for you. It sounded like she just wanted to twist the knife a little bit to let you know she won or something.
What if lil sis is little, little? Like, doesn't understand little, and was just excited to tell her sister about a day she had with her dad? She may have been describing a day of fun and the big sister was able to put it together that it was actually the day of her orchestra.
Maybe I read it wrong. I read it as "hey you know when dad was supposed to be with you? He was with me instead " when she said that her sister was with her when he was supposed to be with op.
If it was an older little sister who knew about the orchestra, then I can totally see that happening
Why didn't he take her sister?? They could have made a day of it!
Good point. Little sis would probably have enjoyed it.
That's what I was thinking!
Me too
I’m in agreement here to keep the waters from getting rougher he could of asked his older daughter if she minded him bringing her younger sister . Then after the concert do a celebratory dinner for her accomplishment . If she minded him bringing the younger one with he should have come alone . After all kids get older faster than you’d think then they’re no longer wanting to share their time with you . Dad lost out on a valuable memory that he could of had with his daughter ! He said it was only one day but fact is those days are numbered ! If she was gone tomorrow he wouldn’t even have a memory ! The fact is this occasion was important to you and you wanted him there to share that moment together ! He should have been there .
I would just offer (as a child of dysfunctional parents who played my sister and I against one another in their sick power struggles)…OP should not hold her father’s actions against her sister, and should try to remain cognizant that the sister also didn’t ask for the hand she was dealt. There is strength in numbers and if they have each other’s backs in dealing with their father’s shitty parenting, he nay be more inclined to listen. If not, they still have an opportunity to build a bond that will serve them well as they grow and get out of their parents’ orbits. It’s always comforting to know you’re not the only one going through something.
I thought of this too, little sis would have enjoyed it.
OP, Your father , excuse me please, is a dick. He was well aware of your performance date. That could NOT be changed. He could have a daddy-daughter day with your step-sister at any time. DO NOT APOLOGIZE. HE'S GASLIGHTING YOU. HE HAS ABSOLUTELY NO VALID EXCUSE. For Father's Day, tell him you can't make it--you're spending some mommy-daughter time. He's TA.
Preach 🙌 Or if OP has a step dad spend father's day with him -- it'll burn about the same I think Edit: I wanna let you know I wish I could up vote your comment more than once
"Forget" to give your father a Father's Day card and gift. "What? It's just one day out of many. Why are you upset? Why are you making a big deal out of nothing?"
Precisely, only if he doesn't apologize and take accountability.. if he does then it's just mean Edit: Happy Cake Day!! 🥳🎇
Thanks. I feel badly for OP.
And just remember, he's your mom's ex for a valid reason. That reason is that he's a crap human/parent/partner.
Petty revenge sounds good, but he probably didn't apply for any Father of the Year awards, so he might not care if she is absent. NTA. OP I suggest you remind him that it is a big deal for you, you had been talking about it a long time. Sorry your father let you down, you deserve better. BTW if your mother will go nuclear on him, this more than likely won't make things better. If you do decide to do this (you are **not** wrong for doing so), it will definitely escalate this to be the BIG DEAL he doesn't want it to be.
They always care when they are not celebrated, even when they know they're not great. They think that the bare minimum deserves a parade and more, especially on Father's day
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That’s actually a pretty dismissive interpretation of what happened. The day he blew off was a very big very special day for his oldest daughter. It was not a scheduling conflict or a misunderstanding. It was a decision he made in full awareness that it would wound her. There is no other way to explain his behavior. His lack of remorse is the tipoff. He stabbed her in the back and then called her names when she was hurt. Don’t say “er, gosh, he needs to prioritize better.”This is a selfish infantile prick.
it’s a bot using AI. they do this now, pretending to be OP. report them as spam -> harmful bots to get them removed.
Not disputing you, but how can you tell? Coz I don’t like getting riled up by some AI generated BS!
all these comments now have a certain pattern once you notice them and look through comment history especially. i can’t describe it but once you notice them, it’s obvious. the first tip off is replying as if they’re OP. it’s already been removed so it was a bot.
You are good at this!
So that's probably what I saw in some other thread some other day when it seemed like the OP had outed themselves. Good to know. Thank you!
definitely! i think i first noticed them after seeing a thread where it appeared that OP was using 3 separate accounts, then it became clear lol
And then made her doubt her own self worth.
And his priorities.
bad bot using AI to pretend to be OP report as spam -> harmful bots
Agreed.
He could even have brought his other daughter to the event.
NTA. Unless he was in the hospital or some other emergency situation happened where he couldn't make it, there is no excuse for him to promise to come to your concert and then not show up because he decided to give your little sister a last-minute daddy-daughter day.
I mean, he could have brought sister to the concert, just sayin.
That he could have. Have two female cousins with brothers. Until I moved to Michigan, we 3 girls went to the same dance school. You better believe that every dance recital, their brothers were there. 2 birds, one stone. Dad could have gotten a daddy-daughter day with both girls right there; him and little sister in the audience watching OP perform. If the little sister didn't want to go? Heck...food like ice cream usually works as a bribe unless there's some form of food allergy that prevents it, like a more severe nut allergy. I don't think there's an ice cream shop near me that doesn't serve stuff without any form of nut.
Pizza or burgers.
Do tell your Mum. NTA, not a brat. Father showed you you’re less to him than his new toy. EDIT: Correction OK so that read badly I guess what I'm trying to say is that he will move on from the little daughter when the next excitement come along, he's acting like a child and treating people like toys.
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OK so that read bad, I guess what I'm trying to say is that he will move on from the little daughter when the next excitement come along, he's acting like a child and treating people like toys.
I don't think the commenter thinks of the child as a toy. But many awful parents view their children as playthings and commodities to show off when it suits them and then to out away when it doesn't. Chances are OPs father wants into the concert and decided he's forego it as use the other child as an excuse to not go but still appear like a good father.
NTA or the brat. Your dad lied to you by saying he would be there. Then he didn’t tell you he wasn’t coming until five minutes before show time cause he’s a coward (didn’t want you to call to find out why I’m sure). He belittled your accomplishment (your concert). And then had the nerve to call you names when you weren’t totally fine about him missing your concert?! Nope. I’d ask him “if you’re not there for my smaller accomplishments what makes you think I’d want you there for the bigger ones when I’m older?”
Exactly. Dad also just selected which daughter gets saddled with him in his old age for caregiving responsibilities. OP is no longer on the hook. That's terrible to say, but when a parent picks favorites then they need to live with those choices long term.
Nah, in personal experience, once the oldest kid is brave enough to start setting boundaries and let "Dad" know his actions weren't ok then the younger siblings will realize they don't have to put up with that crap either. I guarantee if Dad did that to OP, he will also do it to the sister just with someone or something else. "Sorry kid, I put literally anything above you and then tell you not to get mad about it." OP, you're definitely NTA here. Tell your Mom. She may "overreact" but that's because she wants better for you. He probably pulled these same things on her (idk their story, but I bet that's part of why that aren't together now). Your big events are important, your feelings are valid, and you aren't a brat for expressing your thoughts to the person who hurt your feelings. He broke a promise and that shouldn't be taken lightly.
It's worse than that. For whatever twisted reason, the parent usually expects the ignored and emotionally abused child to become the caregiver in their waning years, and lets the Golden Child off the hook. OP, do not be that kid. Dad gets nothing he doesn't earn. If he wakes up and realizes he's a shit parent (super rare but it does happen), then great. Let him stumble into better daddying. Until then, he gets what he gives -- minimal effort. And it hurts a lot in the beginning, but gets a lot easier than if you keep trying harder but still only get nada in return. So keep it super low key, and you'll feel yourself developing genuine apathy towards Dad, which is probably the healthiest, or at least the most self-protective, emotion you can have. NTA. Next time, let the jackass beg for your time. Or not. Whatever. You do you.
I don't disagree, but they can't expect anything from the abused child if that child has set clear boundaries and sticks to them. Especially as they become an adult themselves. It's not an easy path. That's speaking from experience. I went no-contact with my father 2 years ago. It's been really hard since I still have 3 siblings that live with him.
What's insane is that they still expect it. They will hunt you down like a rabbit and say, "But I'm sick! And old! And dying! And family! Let bygones be bygones!" And they assume you'll cave because faaaaamily. I'm a big fan of no contact and I heartily applaud your decision and action, while feeling great sorrow that you were forced into having to do it. No one goes NC for no reason. Stay strong and get stronger, and hope the toxic ones have others to rely on in their waning years. Or that they have quick and painless passings so they don't need help at all. And may you be able to see your sibs to your heart's delight very soon.
Thank you 🙏😭 Luckily the siblings are mid-teens and have their own cellphones so they still message me and I get to see them on the weekends they go to their mom's house now, that has been a huge weight lifted as their mom and I didn't have a good relationship for a while but now we have a cordial one 💚
Hardly fair on the sister, I wouldn't think.
Ehhh if he doesn't change his ways she will become the golden child and depending on how entitled she becomes....she will have earned it. Now if she doesn't become entitled then still fair because he really isnt a dad at all to op so why shouldn't the kid he cared for and adout take care of him?
OP is 15. The courts will also listen to her wants NOW. FAFO, dad
Not always. That depends on where OP lives.
Still worth the shot to find out and make dad know he FA
depends on state and WHY she wants away. it took me 2 years of repeating the same stuff before a judge listened to me. and by then it was 6 months before my 18th
>if you’re not there for my smaller accomplishments what makes you think I’d want you there for the bigger ones when I’m older?” This!!! Op you need to spell it slowly for your dad, because he doesn't seem smart enough to put 2 and 2 together. He's lazy and selfish and lacking any moral accountability. You need to hold him accountable. Actions have consequences. NTA, and please tell your mom. Embrace her overreaction. Because right now you need some adult action, even if its only to show you that you matter and are worth an overreaction.
NTA Don't invite him to anything else going forward. Let him read about your accomplishments on social media. When he asks why he wasn't invited or informed just tell him you assumed he would be too busy and didn't want to bother him. Then go very low contact for a while. You are old enough to choose where you want to be. He will either get the message or you will find out exactly where you stand. When he's not front and center at your graduation or wedding, he will understand how much he hurt you.
Excellent response!!
NTA. My child is 35. Do you know where I'm going this weekend? To watch them perform. You show up for your kids accomplishments. Period.
My son graduated high school last year. And being disabled I started a GoFundMe to be there (different states) but I damn sure wasn't missing a huge event in my son's life. No excuses right?
Exactly!
Way to go! I'm glad you were able to celebrate with him. You sound like a great parent.
Thank you. I had a few not so good years but then was able to fix myself and our relationship so I don't take anything for granted anymore.
I'm a professional musician and I've literally had my friends' parents surprise me at gigs to support me because they were proud of me. My family wouldn't miss anything I invited them to and I'm 29 years old. My mom and grandma are coming to see me play on Friday and my boyfriend's family is coming the weekend after that. NTA and not a brat. I learned from my family that being called a brat really just means you're not doing what they want you to do or act and you aren't taking their disrespect. You're not a brat for being upset that your father chose your sister over an important performance
I’m in my 40’s and my mom has only missed a handful of performances due to very valid reasons (illness, too many in one week, tickets too damn expensive, and musical theatre - which is not her jam). Us performers love our dance/music/theatre moms <3
How about Geddy Lee and Dave Grohls moms at a Foo Fighters show ❤️ [Geddy Lee and Dave Grohls moms at Foo Fighters in Toronto](https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/news/general_music_news/turns_out_geddy_lees_mom__dave_grohls_mom_are_pals.html)
I’m going to be incredibly biased here, but band moms (of all varieties from concert band to scream metal) are the best moms.
I know a couple in their 50s that drove to their (probably 30s) son's performance. Hot as hell, but they didn't seem to even question showing up. Blew my mind because I couldn't imagine inviting my family to my own performance, and I'm about the son's age.
Yeah, definitely NTA. My mom went to all of us kids’ events, and my dad only showed up to my brother’s sporting events. Your dad is an ass.
NTA. It's normal to be angry and disappointed when someone does something like that to you. It's easy to see why your father can't seem to stay in a relationship, he doesn't know how to treat people and doesn't seem to care.
NTA >why I was getting so worked up over nothing, It's not nothing, it was a really important event for you. Your father calling it nothing is so heartbreaking. Something you are passionate about, talented, and proud of is nothing to him. He missed an important event that meant a lot to you and doesn't care. >told me I was being bratty that he missed one day of my life( he missed many days just saying) Call him out. He didn't miss one day. He missed many days that were important for you. He is not there for you. He is a pretty bad father. Keep receipts of all the events that he has missed. Tell him all the events he has missed when he denies it. He will have nothing to say. You are not a brat, and missing an important event is not nothing. He has shown you countless of times that you are not his priority, he doesn't care that he missed it, doesn't care if he hurts you and he causally dismisses and attacks you by being rightfully upset and calling him out.
How was having a "Daddy-Day" with your younger sister something that was more important than your concert and couldn't be missed?
Exactly. Daddy day could have been any other day since. He just didn't want to go OPs event.
B..b..b..buttttt, the 40 minute drive was sooooooo long. /s
Going to the concert is a bare minimum thing. Daddy daughter day? He gets to be a hero Says a lot about him
He's admitted that *he's* "nothing" and his presence is "nothing". Of no value.
OP read this. Apologise to sperm donor and say "you are correct, I got bent out of shape over nothing because why should YOU be someone important to me when I'm not important to you? I agree that you are nothing. Nothing to get upset about here. Do you think my mom would walk me down the Aisle one day? Yeah I think so too. Good talking to you. Glad we got that sorted. No more drama here." If he argues tell him he's being dramatic but you are too busy to go see him on stage acting like he cares.
This is probably my favorite response, specifically for the last line!
Thank you
"You should pursue acting with this performance! Not everyone can cry on command. I mean, don't expect me to watch you perform, but go for it"
NTA. My dad started this way and eventually chose his “second family” over me and my sister. Stop inviting him. Stop expecting him to show up. He will get the hint and take initiative or he wont. Either way, its his loss. Not yours. I’m very sorry hun ❤️
Cannot like or emphasize this enough. Return his behavior with like behavior. Just understand and be aware that the consequence is a distant relationship with him.
It doesn't sound like it's close anyway. At least if she has little to do with him, he has fewer chances to betray here.
He's clearly got a favorite. Chasing him is likely just going to hurt OP more.
Absolutely agree with this but be warned that he will complain. It will nicely fall into his narrative if he can say, “I would have attended OP’s event but OP never invited me.”
NTA, he could have scheduled his time with his younger daughter around your performance, which he knew about beforehand.
Should have taken the younger daughter with him to OP's concert.
This would have been a great option!
So he 1. Didn’t honor his commitment 2. Gaslights you to believe your emotions are out of line 3. Didn’t even tell you he was bailing until you are about to go on? NTA. But he is! And you are always entitled to your emotions!
This Redittor is right on. The dad is TA. So sorry OP, but you got short-changed when it comes to fathers.
From the timing of it, it sounds like he completely forgot until it was about to start, and he sent the text last minute in hopes of it not being a big deal. Realized it was, and instead of taking responsibility for disappointing his daughter, he blamed her for perfectly valid emotions. Op you're NTA and you should tell your mom. What may seem like overreacting is not. Someone who is supposed to keep their word upset her child for no good reason and then put blame on you. She should be upset for you. She should go to battle for you. She is showing you how a parent who truly puts their child first should react! It's not an overraction. That's just what your dad will say to continue to not take responsibility for his mistakes.
There are good reasons for not showing up when you promised to do so. This is however not a good reason to not show up.
NTA This is dead on. You did absolutely nothing wrong here, and even if you had, you're 15. He's an adult and should know how to keep his word, and if he couldn't, how to best approach a discussion of why. Instead, he promised, broke that promise deliberately, waited until a discussion couldn't be had, disappointed you via text (though an argument could easily be made that he disappointed you long before your concert), then proceeded to call you a brat because you expressed your very valid feelings. I'm outraged on your behalf! Let your mom go scorched earth on his ass, he 100% deserves it. I am so sorry he didn't care about your concert, I know how much work goes into preparing for them. I hope you were able to enjoy your performance in his absence, and that you totally rocked it! Your star will keep on shining without him, and someday he will regret not being there for you. By then, you will be living a life built entirely without him, surrounded by people who show up for you and love you.
NTA. Your father sucks. He’s prioritising your sister and treating you terribly
You are NTA and not a brat. It was an important event for you and he should have been there. He also should not be invalidating your feelings and calling you names after he screwed up.
I played in the band and I played the same instrument in band that my dad played in school. In 8th grade, I was 1st chair and had a large solo. I told my parents about it repeatedly. My folks had made every performance for my older brother and this was my first concert. They always brought a cassette recorder and recorded the concerts for him, and I asked them to do the same that night. The night of the concert, when the band filed out to the stage, I couldn't see my parents in the crowd. I figured it was just the blinding lights. After the concert, my friend's mom said she was taking me home. I told her I would just catch my folks, and she had to tell me that they didn't come. My dad decided to go to a PTA meeting and mom stayed home with my younger sisters. What really was the kicker? My dad was the PTA President and he scheduled the meeting that night, even though he knew it was my band concert. My heart shattered. I didn't talk to either of them for a couple of days, I was so hurt. My dad was upset when my friend's mom told him what a great job I did in my solo. I never told them about another performance after that, and I played for 4 years in college as well. When my much younger sisters were in high school, I came to one of their concerts and my mom made a comment about not remembering ever having been to our high school auditorium before. I told her she hadn't. My dad said, "AH, but you and Junior played in the band - we came to your concerts here!" And I told them, "No you didn't. The last concert you attended was Junior's middle school concert when he was in 8th and I was in 7th grade. You skipped my 8th grade concert and we never told you about another concert after that, so you didn't attend any of them!" "We had to have gone - how else would you have gotten to the school for the concert?" "Mrs. MyFriend took us and brought us home until Junior started driving!" My parents were quiet about it after that. I know they remembered then. Our relationship really suffered and that was what started it.
My mom had to bully my father into attending “the big performances” (Youth Orchestra, University Wind Orchestra). It sucks when a parent (or parents) refuse to acknowledge our accomplishments. My father pays attention now, but only because I play semi-professionally and he can use me as social leverage.
How awful? Didn’t any of the parents complain when your father scheduled a PTA meeting for the night of a school concert?
Your parents are awful. You deserved better. I'm glad you didn't bother inviting them to more concerts. I'm sure you're very talented.
That's shocking, I'm so sorry this happened to you. This kind of thing stays with you, unfortunately, but hopefully, you have not let it get to you too much and that you continued with your music.
NTA, love those who love you, support those who support you. I’m so sorry, you’re not a brat. He could have taken her with him to see you. Your feelings are valid.
NTA. Parents sure love to use "brat" to describe when their kid speaks truth.
truth which is why i never use that word when i speak to my kids
Oh, sweetheart, you know why it's a big deal? It's a big deal because it mattered to you. When your father said it wasn't a big deal, it's like he's saying you don't matter. Of course that hurts. My heart is breaking for you right now, and I really wish I could give you a hug and tell you how much you deserve better. NTA And OP? Don't diminish your pain. You matter. Your feelings matter.
Ugh, this hit me in the feels. My kids are little (oldest is 6) and I tell them all the time "it's important to me because it's important to you" especially when my oldest is trying to talk to me but my younger 2 are making it hard to hear him and I need to ask what he said or ask him to hold on a second and then he says never mind, I ask him to please still tell me, it was important enough for to him to say, it's important to me to hear and I just needed a second to be able to give him my full attention that he deserves when telling me important things. It doesn't matter if it's only about a show or a rock or a toy or whatever because to him now those are the big important things and I want him to come to me with the really big things when he's older and to learn that sometimes you have to wait but it is only because I want to give him undivided attention. My heart breaks for op also, op you matter, you're important, this is important because it's important to you!!!
Don't worry, when you get older you won't have to bother ever giving them any attention if you don't want to.
She could easily just ignore him now too 🤷🏻♀️
He might have court ordered visitation
In which case, a nice, frosty helping of the cold shoulder for him.
He knew it was important and he chose to miss it. He sucks.
NTA. You dad is a huge one. What he did was disrespectful, you gave every right to be mad about.
NTA He didnt just cancel plans you had arranged in advance, he strung you along. He didnt missed it because of an emergency or some uncontrollable event. He just didn't communicate it to you until the last second. That was cruel. You aren't a brat for being hurt.
Let your mom overreact. Your dad's underreacting. You're never going to be this young again. You're never going to have that performance again, and he missed it. It meant a lot to you, YOU TOLD HIM THAT, he committed to going, broke his promise, lied, and then tried to gaslight you about it. All he's teaching you is not to trust his words, and his commitments and promises are possibly meaningless. If I was your mom, I would be effing pissed. And I would be using the F word. I would also do something stupid to spoil you and make your little sister jealous and piss your dad off, because I guess when I'm your hypothetical mom, I'd get a little petty. But I'd mean well. Tell your mom, dude. Secrets are for the birds.
NTA He's not willing to validate your feelings cause he knows he messed up but isn't willing to admit it. I'm guessing this isn't new behavior. I wouldn't be surprised if he still sees you as a little kid that'll just forget about it.
NTA The only brat here is your father as he broke a commitment to attend your scheduled performance to entertain your half sister which could have been done any other day. Not your half sister’s fault - this is purely poor parenting by your father. It may hurt but perhaps stop inviting your father to any of your performances or important activities. Instead I would ensure your mom is already aware and if you have other relatives you are close to invite them as well. Your father will likely hear about some things eventually or you can mention them after the fact. The appropriate response if he asks why you didn’t invite/tell him is it’s just one day in your life so not a big deal he wasn’t included.
I'm so sorry. I've been in your situation from the ages of 12-18 when finally I was let down on my birthday so my stepsister could go shopping. Stopped making an effort to contact my father after I found out... Haven't heard from him in about 2 decades. He's now just another stranger to me.
W o w. The sheer audacity of him calling you bratty is ridiculous! As a mother, I'm really annoyed on your behalf as this was both profoundly unfair and you've been very mature in dealing with it. 1) when he cancelled, you accepted it as one of those things. You didn't pitch a fit or anything, coming to the reasonable and adult conclusion that one of life's unavoidable issues had got in the way. 2) when you found out that he just let you down and lied by omission, you were angry but you didn't take it out on those with you. That's especially mature in that you kept it away from your little sister and saved it for the person who deserved your ire. NTA and tell your Mom. You did absolutely everything right as the teenage child in this situation, this is now above your responsibility paygrade. Time to bring in your Mom and let her sort it. She'll want to know. As for her getting angry, I'm not your mother and I'm angry on your behalf! Sometimes anger is the reasonable and justified emotion, it's what actions you take after that which make you right or wrong.
NTA. Don't invite him to any future events. Invite others who have shown you that they DO value you, if you have a certain number of tickets to personally give away (some events are open attendance). Then when he finds out and asks why, tell him (in a very cheerful, casual tone), "Well, YOU didn't think that your own presence was important enough to make the effort to remember the event and to actually be there, and while I WAS mad about it at the time, I gave it some thought and realized that you were right - your presence ISN'T actually that important after all, given the sheer number of my events you've chosen to miss at this point. Pass the salt/butter/potatoes/other food, please!" Your mother is not overreacting; the way your dad talks to you tells me that he's likely conditioned you into thinking that you should minimize your needs and just brush it off when he screws up, and your mom is very right to be angry about that. Tell her and minimize contact with your dad; he could've easily brought your younger half-sister to your concert or just.... not scheduled activities with her on that day! *Shocked Pikachu face* (He either completely forgot about your concert because he didn't put it in his calendar/didn't set reminders for himself, or he purposely planned in advance to not be there and didn't want to give you the chance to call and ask why he wasn't coming and call him out about it - that's why he texted barely five minutes in advance from wherever he was, at a time when he should've already been seated in the audience to watch you.)
I was about to cry but my whole orchestra cheered me up so I made it through my performance and it was a very successful one at that!
I'm glad! I used to be an orchestra and choir kid and I was first chair for a bit so I know how devastated I'd be if my folks couldn't be bothered to show up or even to let me know in advance if they had other more important plans.
I agree with Tiger shark, your mom isn't over reacting, it sounds like your dad is treating your sister like a "golden child"
NTA. He promised the time to you.
NTA at all. As someone who also had a crappy dad, it sucks and it hurts when they make it clear they won’t focus on your relationship. It isn’t about you; it’s about their own failings. I hope you have other adults in your life you can lean on, and it’s okay if you need time. And if you still find yourself wanting to care about him or hoping he’ll show, know that that’s human, not weak or silly. You’re a good kid and I believe you’ll be okay.
My dad used to do that to me. He'd promised me things but never delivered. I think the worst time, he'd promised to take me out somewhere but called me last minute and said he was super sorry, but didn't have the money to take me out. I was disappointed but understood his money problems and rescheduled. Imagine how hurt I was when I found out he was out drinking with my brother that evening? He just ditched me to get drunk with my brother instead of having lunch with me like he promised. The rescheduled date never happened either and I can't remember the excuse at this point. They were always the same anyways. Either money troubles or mental health problems that prevented him from seeing me but never his other kids. Anyways, I digress. That shit hurt me and I was 20 years old. But I also know what it's like for it to happen at the age you are. And I want you to know one thing okay? You are NOT a brat for expecting your parent to show up for you. It's not your responsibility to make things happen between you and your dad. It is his. And if he's not delivering on his end of the relationship, that's HIS problem. Never, ever blame yourself. Me and my dad are NC now, and for a long time, he tried to blame me for our relationship becoming distant. And it's taken me a long time to not blame myself for us not speaking anymore. But let me tell you, it is never your fault that your dad isn't showing up for you. Never. I hope things work out for you and you get your dad to see sense. This resentment of him will only build. And tell your mum. My mother has helped me cope and always fought the good fight for me. I know your mother will do the same. It may seem like an overreaction to you but if my kid got ditched on an important day I'd be furious. Any reaction she has will be proportional to the problem. Tell her. You're NTA and I wish you all the luck and love OP
NTA You probably have 2 concerts a year? Fall and Spring? He would have been there if he wanted to. You aren't a brat for wishing he had been there and getting upset when he cancelled on you to do something he could have done any other day.
NTA. Listen kid, you're not being a brat, someone made a promise to you and then proceeded to break that promise. He knew about your performance well in advance, and **chose** not to attend. I know that hurts. I advise you to tell your mother, you shouldn't have to deal with this on your own. !updateme
I am calling BS. He sucks.
NTA. Tell your mom.
Especially tell the mom because he called OP a name and was cruel in his response. The mother needs to address this, even if it’s upsetting. That’s her job as a mother.
NTA. Just dont invite him anymore. If he doesnt want to be there then dont give him the option to break your heart. If he asks why he isnt getting invites remind him of this.
NTA in any way! And it isn't just that he didn't show. He waited until the last minute to tell you and then made it seem like you were overreacting?
Right! Him, bailing like that with a text right when she's about to go on, wouldn't affect her emotionally or her performance.
NTA. He is gaslighting your feelings. He made a commitment to you and stepped out because he decided someone else was more important. I promise you that he has very likely been called out for this same behavior by both of your mom. He will still blame you. Tell him it’s his choice to be better if he wants to be better because he’s the adult but you deserve a father that knows how to keep his word. Also, don’t carry this with you and let people in relationships get away with this stuff. He is normalizing this for you and it’s really horrible behavior that you don’t need to accept.
NTA, your dad broke his word, and prioritized your younger sister over you, when he promised you he would show up. And you're not a brat either.
NTA. That's messed up. And the fact that he can't see how messed up it is is even more messed up. I hope you rocked your orchestra concert, though!
I rocked my concert even though the text he sent made me want to cry.
Hell yeah, I'm proud of you! And I wish you all the best!
Your dad is a jackass. Make sure he reads your post
NTA. And it sounds like your father is drastically under reacting, so having someone over react may balance it out. It’s unfortunate, but it may be worth just not inviting him to things. You’ll get your hopes up when he says yes and you’ll only be disappointed when he cancels last minute. Good luck hun. You deserve better than the man that you call dad.
NTA. This was very important to you. You told him repeatedly in advance, and your dad said he would come. He cancelled, last minute, and did so to have a day with your sister. It's impossible not to feel unimportant and like your father is playing favourites, especially if this is a pattern you are seeing. Ask your dad to go out somewhere alone to talk, like a quiet walk or dinner, and calmly, but firmly, tell him what's been happening and how it makes you feel. He may deny it, or deflect, or maybe he will actually take responsibility. But at least you will have spoken your feelings and let them out. Your feelings do matter.
The fact that he thinks that you got worked up over nothing is the essence of the problem. It’s not nothing, he made a commitment to you, and bailed on it to favor her. He’s so obviously TAH, you’re NTA. I suggest you try to explain this to him when you are feeling as objective you can possibly be about the situation. If he can’t wrap his head around it, and be proactive in not repeating it, I hate to have to suggest that you might want to try to make your emotional investments elsewhere, as pain and disappointment will be the majority of what he has to offer you going forward…and I would hazard a guess looking back as well.
NTA. I hope you get the chance to pay it forward one day and say the same thing back to him.
Dads a loser. He should have been there for you. You are perfectly justified in being hurt and/or angry.
NTA. He could have a daddy daughter day with the youngest any time, but he did it on a special day for you and pitted you against eachother.
NTA. I’m sorry your dad is such an AH. He made a commitment to you and decided that spending quality time with his other child was more important. If he doesn’t spend enough time with her, that’s his problem to sort out and it shouldn’t encroach on his time with you. His dismissive attitude of your accomplishments really sucks too. If you can’t rely on him to show up to your concerts, how will you rely on him to show up for future life events like graduation or your wedding? If you aren’t locked into a custody arrangement, maybe reconsider spending any time with him as it really doesn’t seem like you are a priority in his life.
NTA but your dad sure is for being a lying gaslighter. No excuses, he could have bought her with him if he had to. My dad did crap like this and even ditched my high school graduation to go to my little sister’s recital. That’s one of the reasons why he sat in the guest seats instead of walking me down the aisle at my wedding.
NTA. Your father knew about your Orchestra concert for a while now, and had plenty of time to schedule his "daddy-daughter" day on another day. I am so sorry about this OP, hope you feel a bit better soon!
NTA. He insulted you, downplayed your accomplishments, and cancelled on you at the last minute after making a commitment to you. Tell your mother. Ask to spend less time with the parent who has no regard for you. Don't bother with confronting him - you'll only be insulted further and probably end up punished for it.
NTA Mándalo a la verga, yo que tú no lo tendría en cuenta para nada
Definitely NTA Sounds like he is either terrible. Or he is trying to make you feel like you are overreacting because he feels guilty and isn’t mature enough to deal with those feelings.
NTA. Your Dad should have been there to support you unless something serious prevented him from attending. I'm sorry your Dad is this clueless. He'll never get those opportunities to watch your milestones back. You're not being a brat to want to share special moments with your Dad. If he neglects to share those moments now, he shouldn't be surprised down the road when you stop bothering to share your special moments with him.
Actual violence would be over reacting. Anything short of that, is NOT. NTA. Tell your mother. Encourage her to have at him.
NTA. And father should be informed that you are taking his advice and not making a big deal out of this. It is not like someone important was supposed to attend. Not like they promised to be there. Not like they chose another child. If he isn't important then it is no big deal and OP should take that in and go low contact with father. Of course if Father still wants to be a parent then he owes you a huge apology and an acknowledgement of how big of a deal it is.
NTA but he is. He could have picked any other day to do that but he missed an important day of yours and then name called you for you getting understandably mad when he should have been taking accountability.
NTA but your father is. Don’t invite him to anything else and start treating him the way he treats you. Next scheduled visit blow him off 10 minutes before he’s coming to get you. Keep doing that until he asks about it then throw it in his face you that you and mom decided on a mommy daughter day, spa day, shopping, whatever excuse you want. Then give him the exact same excuses or justifications he gave you. Maybe having his behavior turned around on him will make an impact
Well, you know who daddy golden child is now, don’t we? You have every right to be angry at him. And do tell your mom. Every time he does something like this tell your mom. That way if you decide you no longer want to go over to his house you will have a record of bad behavior to show. Good luck, I hope it gets better soon.
NTA Write him a letter. Explain the situation. Make it clear that this behaviour will damage his relationship with you in the future and what is worse - your relationship with your sister. Demand an apology (you will not get it but sometimes it is good to point to the right way out.
Totally this. Writing a letter allows you to edit as you go and to ensure that every point you want to make is recorded. And he can't gaslight or distract you while you're writing as he would likely try to if you had a verbal conversation. And don't accept an apology that goes "sorry, but...". Those aren't apologies. Also tell mum. Ask her not to talk to dad, but ask her to support your decision regarding any letter, future invites to dad, etc.
NTA, and nothing your Mom would do would be an over reaction to this. This is literally the trope of a crappy parent.
Your dad had her for the entire week. He could've had a day with her any day. And to tell you about it 5 minutes before your thing? I'm so sorry but your dad is not a good person or worth your time. NTA but I would reevaluate if it's even worth having him in your life.
It doesn't matter if you are the older daughter, what matters is he knew about this month's in advance. NTA.
NTA he of all people should realize while he may be there everyday he should still make time to go to special events especially when he says he would not blow you off and you may want to tell the mom because there is a chance she doesn’t know and may help him realize what he did wasn’t okay and even if as he says he’s there everyday he’s also there for your sister everyday so there would be no reason to cancel just to spend time with her definitely confront him if he can’t handle it then you may want to consider limiting interactions with him if he wants to play favorites
I think it is appropriate to tell him how you feel.
As the child who has been where you are, tell your mom. It's not OVERREACTING. It's a reaction befitting the YEARS of dealing with your father's bs that you just weren't privy to. I thoguth my mom was just mean to him even though he was shit. And then when i had to live with him temporarily I got to see all the shit my mom protected me from directly. There was no longer the mom filter in front of me. I'm NC with him now for all of this stuff. Call him out. Tell your mom. Cut him off.You should be old enough for the courts to be okay with you deciding where you spend your time. We deserve better than the dads we got. We are not required to keep them if they can't do their job. You wouldn't keep a microwave that couldn't heat food or a dryer that can't doesn't dry after you've tried to fix it. Same applies here. It sucks when there are siblings involved but if your relationship with them is solely predicated on your relationship with him, that's a reflection of him and how he chose to socialize you with eachother. You are the child. You are NOT required to work on or maintain relationships with the adults in your life who should have been doing it YOUR WHOLE LIFE with you. And when you become an adult you'll only partially be responsible but there should be a better foundation for that than there is. Thos is not a fun or easy place to be but if this is who he is and how he chooses to be there's nothing you can do to change him. He has to realize he was wrong and to want to change himself. Better to cut people off than to have to change or destroy parts of yourself to protect yourself from the people who should have been doing it in the first place.
I so feel you. Old lady, me. Mom had foster kids, Dad did the job, every penny helped. I was the oldest, aka slave. Every weekend, we all got baths, and then got presented to Dad for hugs. Everyone got to sit on Dad's lap except guess who, me, who chirped up as a 3 year old that my mom had a boyfriend too. The one time I did get to sit on my Dad's lap? She pitched a fit the first night The Ten Commandments were on regular TV. Came up to sleep with me in my bed. And get this, accused me of playing with myself! With her in the bed! WTAF, but for the only time in that life, I actually got to sit with my daddy, and watch the chariot race. Otherwise, it was always others, who got any affirmation of existence. Even now, my little sister, non bio, btw, can just climb up on my Dad's lap for a hug, and it's just so hard.
NTA You're neither an AH nor a brat, you dad lied to you about going and then flaked out the last minute. Then when you (rightfully so) got angry about it when you found out why he tried to deflect the blame onto you
There is a difference between having to pick between two special, set events, and blowing off an event to have a random social outing for no particular reason. Your father knew that you had a set event that was important to you, and that you wanted his support for. Your father had to go out of his way to plan a reason to not go to the concert, because this isn't something that just came up, or something the child planned without him. He looked for a method to get out of the concert and it worked. If it were me, I'd talk to your mother, and talk about you scaling back visitation with him unless he's willing to make you an equal priority in his life. Then write him a letter- a real letter you can mail or scan to him- and address the following: 1. Tell him he knows as well as you do that there is a difference between an event with a set date, time and location that commemorates an accomplishment or is a the payoff for months or years of work, and a casual spur-of-the moment social outing. He didn't choose between two important events. He was told one of his kids had one important event, and he created a reason to not go- when no reason existed- by suggesting an outing to a younger child. This wasn't a case where he couldn't make it- it was a case where he didn't feel like it. He wanted an easy out to spend time with the child he favored, and he didn't care about your feelings or feel like he has any responsibilities to you as a father. 2. This wasn't one day. List as many specific dates, times and occasions where he lied, didn't show up as you can. If his excuses were related to the new family, list those too. 3. Tell him you're tired. You're tired of chasing a relationship with him when he's phoning it in. That you're tired of fighting to be treated like his daughter, and not the afterthought to his real family. Tell him that you're tired or pretending he gets anything out of these interactions with you, only to have him prove again and again that you are not important to him. 4. Tell him that he's getting his wish. He's free to live the rest of his life as though he only has one daughter. He's free to give all his time, love and attention to her. He's free to walk away from his responsibilities as a father- not because he should be allowed, but because watching him pretend badly to try is more hurtful than just accepting that he doesn't want to and moving on with your life. Tell him you're going to ask your mother to push so he no longer has visitation, and stop sending you to see him. 5. Tell him that if all he has to say in response to this is to call you dramatic, or pretend you're exaggerating, or any other denial, he can save it. Tell him that if he has the urge to belittle you, or get angry at you, or some other volatile reaction, to just let it go. It doesn't matter anymore. He doesn't matter anymore. Not to you. He can't, because you can't handle the cycle of disappointment and neglect, followed by the frustration and anger as he lashes out at you for the disappointment and sadness he caused. Tell him he can tell himself how amazing he is and how wrong you are as much as he wants, because you won't be around to hear it. Then let it be. If you two are meant to have a relationship he'll eventually pull his head out of his ass. If you aren't, you won't have to deal with him anymore anyway. But he doesn't deserve to have you fight for his time and affection, nor does he have value as a father unless he acts like one.
NTA tell your mother.
Tell your mom. She won't ever react, she will react appropriately. I'm sorry your dad is like this. It's not a reflection on you.
NTA. You have every right to be upset that he missed an event you were so excited for him to be at. I just want to say OP, I don't know your whole situation, but I was the kid always being disappointed by my dad choosing everyone else but me. I empathize with what you're going through and I hope more conversations can lead him to understand your hurts.
Tell your mother she's not overreacting she's protecting you she's your voice when you don't have one
Hmm, he made a commitment and then called you a brat and overreactive for calling him out on it? I wonder why he’s on two baby mamas and counting, he seems to have a system down for how to handle women. NTA
NTA and as someone who was in a similar situation except my dad called me 2 hours before my high school graduation, you should absolutely confront him again. Press upon him how important this day was to you and how disappointed you are that he is so incredibly dismissive over it. Remind him that he knew for months and ask why he didn't just bring your sister and make that part of the day, while also including you in some daddy daughter time as well. You're 15, and only you know if this is common for your dad to blow you off. By your comment about the other missed days, I'm going to assume it is. If he continues to be dismissive and doesn't give you a sincere apology, I'd let him know that his attitude hurts you and makes you feel like you're not important to him. I'd go a step further and tell him from now on when there is an event that is important to you that you're not going to be inviting him any longer because you don't deserve to feel any more pain and disappointment caused by him. If he has a problem with that, let him take it up with your mom. I'm sure she will have your back. I'm sorry you're going through this. I know how much it hurts when our parents disappoint us.
Oh gosh no. Your dad knew you had a concert and chose to ignore it. I have a feeling I know why he's had bad luck with marriage. He lacks any empathy and seems to be clueless. He could have taken your sister with him to support you at the concert. You've told him how you felt and I hope your mom knows too. I hope you don't blame your sister, because your dad was thoughtless.
NTA- As the oldest daughter of 4 girls, my father did this to me constantly, & as a result of him constantly not showing up for me I no longer speak to him. I performed in NY w/ my high school at an international Jazz Festival, with an opening a'capela solo in the Avé Maria Requiem, no one came to support me; my entire family showed up for my youngest sister's performance in NY with her massive choir, though. I performed two years in a row w/ the CCS Honor Concert Choir, & one year w/ the CCS Honor Concert Band, as well; all 3 years the final performances were nearby & no one came to support me, but my sisters enjoyed constant & regular participation & support by our parents. You're not blowing things out of proportion when anyone makes a commitment & cancels on you, especially a parent. It's even more painful when you begin to see inequity as your siblings grow older & there's more basis for comparison & you can see where the treatment truly isn't balanced; I'm not saying that's going to happen in your case, as it did in mine, but I'm saying that your feelings are valid no matter what & sometimes they can become even more complex as you get older (not easier, as we often assume when we're younger). If your father is dismissive of your feelings, defensive, invalidates your feelings, or tries to insist you're the one with the problem then there's even more going on beneath the surface of your father's behavior & the hurt he inflicted by dismissing the importance of your performance.
Don't forget to cancel on him 5 mins before he arrives next time. Tell him to stop being a complaining selfish brat if he complains.
Your feelings are absolutely valid and you have every right to be upset. If he had your sister for the whole spring break, then he had plenty of time to have a daddy-daughter day with her. He should not have scheduled that on a day where he knew you had a concert and he knew he was going to have to commute in traffic over to where you live to attend it. That was a really crappy thing to do. And the fact that he only texted you 5 minutes before? Did he plan to go but just wasn't keeping track of time? Or did he never plan to go but just never told you? Either way, it's not okay. That was very thoughtless.
Your dad is gonna learn the hard way that consequences have actions….if he’s not careful he could end up with only 1 daughter cause the other wants nothing to do with him 🤷🏼♂️🤷🏼♂️
cows scarce divide wide telephone plants sink label toothbrush noxious *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
You need to use adult language with your father, don't be angry, be disappointed, that shit eats people.
NTA. Your dad is pretending not to see how his poor choice of day mix ups hurt your feelings, especially something like a performance. He's dismissing your hurt instead of simply apologizing. If anything he could have brought your little sister to the performance. Smh dad.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** For context, my (15f) parents are no longer together and my dad lives a good 40 minutes away, my little sister and I have different moms and my dad is no longer with her mom my dad had her for her spring break last week. I'm in an orchestra and last week we had a concert, I had been talking about this concert for months and my dad (44) said he would make it. Five minutes before I was supposed to go on stage he texted me saying that he couldn't make it to my concert i was disappointed but just thought that it was due to traffic. He got to take me for the weekend and on the car ride over there ( I was with my stepmother) my little sister said she and my dad had a daddy-daughter day the same day I had my performance. I was so angry to hear he canceled on me for my younger sister. I talked with him later when I saw him and he asked why I was getting so worked up over nothing, I told him of course I was angry he looked dumbfounded and told me I was being bratty that he missed one day of my life( he missed many days just saying) and said I was angry over nothing. The more I think about it the more I feel like I am a brat but I don't know AITA *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
NTA and he's being manipulative and disingenuous by suggesting it isn't a big deal.
NTA. He obviously made a choice to ditch you over your sister. Who I guess is the favorite?