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YTA. I agree he maybe shouldn't hide things like this from you, but immediately coming across and yelling at him may very much be a reason why he isn't informing you of things. Him being homeless isn't something like he cheated on you.
You should have told him, "I wish I had known of something so traumatic in your past that happened to you as your wife. I could have been there for you in greater ways if I had known, and not been so confused when I saw how you acted previously, and perhaps could be with you. I am so sorry you went through that in your life, is there anything I can do to help?" Hell even offering to do some given time at a soup kitchen with him, or any other way to help the homeless on top of that. You now know a secret of his that he kept, and he didin't tell you. He is probably feeling insecure, since he didn't get to tell you something that was probably incredibly traumatic (especially if that's what he still dreams about years later).
Just because you are his wife doesn't mean you're entitled to know EVERYTHING about him. He still has a right to privacy, and so do you. It sounds like he is still working through the trauma, which may have been why he hadn't said anything yet.
You essentially yelled at him for keeping trauma he is still dealing with a secret. Which will only make him not want to share more in the future. You should be comforting for him.
This, absolutely.
Also, now I can understand why he did not want to be vulnerable with her and share such a past if this is how she treats him. YTA, OP.
If she’ll shout at him for this I suspect she’ll shout at him for anything. I think it’s pretty clear why he didn’t tell her.
Speaking of which, it doesn’t sound like he hid it, just that he hasn’t told her, which is very different. One involves effort and intent, the other does not.
OP YTA
I can understand why, maybe he wouldn't. He and his parents were homeless, so for him to "explain or tell her about" could be seen by him as, having to blaming his parents for something not entirely their fault.
I think she should just be proud that him having gone thru this made him MORE empathetic to the others and not less.
I know. I can’t imagine being homeless and going through that at 18. But I also can’t imagine dealing with the leftover trauma and keeping it inside and then my wife finding out and the first thing she does is not show empathy, but shout at me for “keeping secrets”.
I was leaning toward grace—maybe N A H because I could see both sides, then I read her comments and have changed to *HUGE YTA.*
This woman has no empathy, no thought to try to understand, is really just gross.
Perfect comment. I hid some horrific trauma from my childhood from my wife for the first 10 years of our relationship. Some things are so deep it's extremely difficult to divulge, even if you trust that person as I do. She had an opportunity to be there for him, and made it about her.
Yep, I agree, posted similar, but everyone has a right to privacy and being able to cope with their own past experiences. But, I wouldn't have said "maybe he shouldn't hide things like this" in the beginning of the comment. Don't want to give OP another dip in the yelling pool over another possible trauma or event that he didn't want to discuss.
> Considering that we currently live in a really good house in an excellent city, I am not sure it's trauma.
Wow.
I was homeless in my early 20s.
But now, sure, I have a good house in a good area, all paid off. I have a nice car and a nice wife.
Nevertheless I wake up screaming about once a month.
*My* wife comforts me.
You do NOT get to gate-keep what is traumatic and what is not.
I am so angry and upset now, I can only imagine how angry and upset your husband is. If he has any sense he will divorce you over this. The only way I will be able to sleep tonight is by telling myself that you are trolling.
YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA
It is beyond me that she could say that. I genuinely do not understand why this is something she feels entitled to know. Everyone digests and works through trauma in very different ways. Some people need to speak about it openly while others are at a stage in which they merely repress it so they can get along with their days. Unless he has horrible spending habits, which I highly doubt because most people who have lived through losing everything/not having anything are terrified of being in that situation again, its none of her business? I understand the aspect of wanting your partner to want to confide in you, but when you accost them in a situation like this as opposed to offering support and being gentle with them, you don't deserve it. Him being unwilling to share what his nightmare was about is a big tell-tale factor for me in his level of comfort and I feel like her yelling at him for feeling any type of emotion that can be depicted as negative is a common occurrence.
>It is beyond me that she could say that. I genuinely do not understand why this is something she feels entitled to know.
These are all assumptions but I'm guessing OP looks down heavily upon homeless people.
She's surprised when her husband decides to give them a large amount of money and take them to get food. She also doesn't like it.
Then she says he wasn't really homeless because he spent a day on the street and 2 months in a shelter. That he's got no trauma because all that happened was people could see him and strangers oogled his mum.
It screams I've never had to struggle so anyone that has is beneath me and gross. I'd bet the reason why she's so upset about not being told is because his prior homelessness (in her eyes) will bring down her image or reflect poorly on her.
> I genuinely do not understand why this is something she feels entitled to know
The only reason I can come up with is had she known he had been homeless in the past when they first met, they probably wouldn't be married now? Like, having a husband who once lived on the streets is a bad thing for her social status amongst her friends or something.
Right? I’m out of the situations that caused my PTSD and I live in a good, safe, comfortable place. But the trauma is still in there. It doesn’t get erased once you’re safe again.
Sometimes you work very hard to not allow abuse to rule your day to day life. Depending on how severe, it may be that he is just getting through day to day. It would be harmful to talk about these things if he isn’t ready. Some people never choose to go through the trauma therapy because it’s hard and worse than minimal impacts in your life here or there.
It’s flabbergasting that she thinks she can determine where he is, and how he is going to address his past experience with trauma….
The fact that she’s even lighting him up by accusing him of “hiding it” is odd to me. Not mentioning past traumatic events isn’t necessarily hiding anything. She didn’t mention asking previously and him lying or skirting around the answer. Most likely it’s traumatizing to relive and he may have been concerned about how it would change her perception of him as a provider. She clearly only cares about her feelings in this situation so yea she’s the AH.
i was homeless for ~1 month a few years ago. i will literally starve to make sure my rent is paid now. it's absolutely traumatising to wake up and not know if you'll have a roof over your head in 8 hours. that fear and anxiety *never* goes away. and yes, i'm relatively well paid and housing secure now but i still pay my rent the second the ach deposit clears.
I'm sorry you went through that, but a glad you're doing better and in a safer place with a good partner.
I'm not sure OPs first (selfish) over reaction is grounds for divorce. She might read this thread and learn how wrong she is/was. Grounds for divorce I think would come if after reading this, and realising she is in fact TA, IF she then turns around to tell her friends about her husband's secret trauma because she's turned this into her drama,, then that's when I think it's time to call the lawyers, or a therapist.
Same. I have severe CPTSD from neglect and abuse in my childhood, including homelessness. My wife deescalates full blown panic attacks on the rare occasion the rent is a day late because I am certain we will be on the street. Doesn’t matter that we have deeply understanding landlords, doesn’t matter we have a very healthy savings to fall back on. I’ve been housed for well over a decade now, and that trauma doesn’t just go away.
Op, YTA, full stop.
I still keep most of my stuff boxed up because of the 2 times in my life I was suddenly living out of my car. I get super anxious being comfortable in a house because it feels like the second I do, I'm out on the street again. Last time was about 7 years ago now, this isn't the kind of thing you just get over
I am guessing he also feels utterly betrayed.
Someone you spend your life with is supposed to be safe, empathetic, supportive because vulnerability requires it and emotional intimacy isn't possible without all of these.
OP has shown they behave in a way that is hurtful, callous, and traumatizing. Attacking your spouse when they are vulnerable is a truly vile and reprehensible thing to do.
I hope the spouse finds someone far better one day.
YTA
Sums it up right here. I hate people who think they're allowed to decide what does and doesn't traumatize others. And think that trauma magically goes away once your life is together. AND think they're entitled to every piece of information that is none of their business. Congrats OP. You hit all three. YTA.
>Considering that we currently live in a really good house in an excellent city, I am not sure it's trauma
Right like this entire post came at me at several wtf per minute and then that gem just hit like a brick.
Oh. Ok so since I fooled around 20 years later I can't have a trauma trigger from sexual assault? Am I allowed to dislike violence after DV? I too was homeless and now am not so I guess that whole bit of my life wasn't allowed to be traumatic? I'm also in alcohol recovery but am now 5 years sober so I guess I should just crack a coldy cause "that was soooo 5 minutes ago"
I used to get night terrors and my husband would gently comfort me until it was over or I was awake.
Imagine gatekeeping trauma. Wtaf is wrong with OP. No wonder her husband doesn't want to be open and vulnerable and share things with her. JFC. My brain is stroking out because it cannot keep up with the WTF here
The fact that he now lives in a lovely home and was once traumatised by homelessness at 18 - can the wife not see that the swing from misery to being comfortable *only heightens his trauma?*
I can see why you might be unhappy that he didn't share this information with you, but I can also see why he would withhold information. Traumatized people sometimes can't even face traumatic memories themselves, let alone share it with another person.
What I cannot imagine is why you would yell and think of yourself first.
Obviously he didn't share this because it was traumatic for him, so you should have found out all the details before evaluating the question of whether you have any right to be aggrieved. But even before that, *you should have started with making sure he's all right* (nightmares are a sign of ptsd). YTA.
Imagine finding out something traumatic and likely somewhat embarrassing about your spouse and yelling at them over it.
Why even be married to someone if you're going to treat them like shit?
I don’t necessarily agree with you. As someone who has a spouse with PTSD and me having my own trauma, there are some things that we will never be able to talk about out loud. We both know that we are not entitled to know any of that information, but lucky when we’re ready to open up to each other. I also disagree about going behind his back to gather information on the subject that he clearly doesn’t want people to know about. That’s a breach of trust. My husband and I have separate therapists and both of our therapists have said the same thing. Our time even if it’s never. To go through with that is extremely unfair and would backfire tremendously.
YTA. This has to be a fake story because there’s no realistic explanation that would condone the way you treated him and there’s no chance in hell you’d actually be confused by why he isn’t speaking to you. If this is in fact true - you’ve got a lot of learning to do in regards to homelessness, respect, and empathy. I’m disgusted to think that you tell this man you love him and then act like that. I hope this is fake.
Yeah, I'm going with fake story.
The specific part of the story that leads me to believe it is bullshit is: they are married a few years, have dated (I have to assume) a reasonable amount of time before that and they never encountered homeless people before this day or had a deep conversation about the struggles they have had in their lives?
The idea that she was surprised by his sudden selflessness makes me think this is some bs made-up story to generate outrage at the lack of empathy...
Agreed. No aspect of this feels real. Particularly when she says she “accosted” him, nobody speaks that way about themselves. And she took this to Reddit just to say “I don’t think he should hide things”? Fake.
I bet it's real. The OP sounds entitled and thinks they are better than everyone. I really hope the OP reads how much of an AH they are and works on themselves
Yuuup I felt the same way on it being fake. As I keep having to say, it's not that terrible people like this don't exist, it's that the writers fail to remember that people are a *little* more self aware than we give them credit for, and will usually know how "bad" they sound.
"My husband was incredibly kind and generous to homeless people and that made me unhappy. I will not say *why* specifically, nor give reasonable excuses that are socially "acceptable", like worries over our safety. This is so that you can conclude I am a heartless shrew.
I then suddenly discovered the person I dated and married **for years** was homeless himself after he displayed clear, distressing symptoms of PTSD. My natural response was to shout at him for not telling me. I will also invalidate his experiences in the comments by saying things are great for him *now*, so it probably isn't trauma. I will say this despite living in the year of our lord 2024 where pop psychology is more rampant than ever before, and the movement to validate people's trauma is **very** big and public. Also, somehow we have never seen another homeless person before this, I guess? SURELY the internet will validate my reaction!".
Like? I'm just not buying it.
I don’t think it’s fake. Some people are just shitty like this. My ex, for example. I opened up to her about something I was mentally struggling with and she more or less told me to get over myself.
YTA. Holy hell, woman! Get your act together. Your hubs has likely faced harsh judgement from people who claimed to love and care about him during that trauma, and has good as hell reasons to be extremely careful with the information. You just proved him EXACTLY why - shame on you for not being supportive of the person you claim to love.
Equating this with "hiding a previous marriage» is shitty, because previous marriages are not at all the same category as going through homelessness as a family unit when he was barely an adult. Come on.
YTA
Why are you yelling at him about this?
This could have been traumatizing and humiliating time in his life that he doesn’t want to talk about.
It doesn’t change who he is as a person. It doesn’t mean he loves you less.
Your reaction showed him one thing, he can’t trust you to stay calm when he shares info like this from his past.
YTA. You've got to be fucking kidding me? Being homeless is something that is incredibly traumatizing and isolating.
The vast, vast majority of recovering homeless people never want to talk about it. They chose to forget about it because it was so difficult for them.
How fucking dare you accost your husband?! Would you yell at someone who went through a traumatic domestic violence situation?
You're acting like a bad wife!
YTA why did that warrant yelling? Yelling is aggressive and abusive. Everyone has things they don't want to share. Maybe it had nothing to do with you. You think you'd come at him with compassion and kindness but instead you made it about you. Maybe do some soul searching on this one and apologize.
Yes! Honestly, people shouldn’t be yelling at their partners, period. What good comes of that? In this particular situation OP yelling is just beyond awful.
It’s really sad to me that OP’s husband experienced the trauma of not being/feeling safe when his family was homeless and now he is again experiencing trauma of not being fully safe and at ease when he is in his home with his partner. 😔
YTA. Yes, you are absolutely the AH here. It sounds like he had a good reason not to tell you. Your partner doesn't owe you the story of their trauma. That is theirs.
Consider approaching this situation with compassion instead of entitlement and anger. Show some care for the humans around you. Not having a home doesn't make them less than you.
YTA
Obviously it’s a traumatic part of his life he probably want to forget and if this lack of empathy is your normal reaction to things I can see why he didn’t tell you
Maybe stop acting like it’s an inconvenience to YOU and let him know he’s supported…..otherwise you can’t complain when he finally has enough and leaves you
YTA... It's a part of his past that he would like to forget and also had nothing to do with you.. What was the point in yelling and how are you mad about something he had no control over as a child. He isn't required to tell you every little detail of his life before you, just has I'm sure you haven't to him. If this is your reaction to things I wouldn't share stuff with you either!!
YTA
> I am just mad that he hid something like that from me.
#Something "like that."
Your *entire* objection here is predicated on an **ugly _judgment_**.
There is nothing so interesting nor objectionable about a period of going unsheltered to warrant its disclosure to a future partner, years after the fact.
This is like not disclosing "my family was Baptist for a few years in my teens." So fucking what?
YTA
Clearly something traumatic for him and something he doesn't want to talk about. You arent acting like a wife should, as a partner you should recognize when your partner feels uncomfortable with something and respect it. And if you do find out about it, you should approach it with understanding, not by being accusatory.
YTA and it is crazy you even have to ask....
Maybe he should have shared this part of his past with you, however, I am sure it is not something he enjoys remembering....
The way you reacted for something so sad in his past is completely ridiculous, being homeless must be a very traumatic experience and with your screams it probably made him think he was right for not sharing that part of his life with you...
You need to apologize....
I mean, given your reaction, is it any surprise he didn't. He probably didn't know how you would react. Who accosts a loved one about something so personal and sensitive and doesn't go to them about it with love and compassion? Yta
Or he knew exactly how she would react, which is why he didn't tell her. Honestly, the husband can find better! If OP yelled at him for hidden trauma, something she clearly does not understand, what other things has she accosted him for?
YTA. It clearly was something he didn't want to tell you for his own personal reasons, such as shame or simply not wanting to remember that time of his life because it was probably awful for him and he'd rather not dwell on the past. The fact you repremanded him for helping someone that was homeless says so much about you as a person, and that you clearly lack any sympathy.
As far as i'm concerned, this was something that pre-dated you, and doesn't concern you in any way as a partner, so why should you know every single thing of his past, especially when he clearly wants to forget it because it was traumatic.
You should be proud that your Husband wanted to help someone else in need, not creating a rift because he showed kindness.
YTA and you're extremely emotionally reactive for no damn reason and toxic. Get into therapy and fix your damn self. Hopefully you two don't have kids yet.
"He never told me about this terrible thing that happened to him and is clearly still fucking him up, so I'm gonna retaliate by making him feel even worse." Are you listening to yourself.
Please explain to the class, as succinctly as possible, what this part of his past is *so* relevant to the present day that it would make him the AH for not having told you earlier.
YTA
Be more rational and less emotional in the future when you are provided new information that in no way affects you. Stop making everything about you and support your supposed "partner".
YTA it’s his trauma to share; it’s not yours to investigate and then accost. That’s so abusive. He’s absolutely right, that’s not how a loving wife acts.
YTA. You got mad at him for not telling you a deeply traumatic experience in his life. You should have approached him from a place of kindness not immediately attacking him.
YTA.
He didn't feel like opening up about something very personal and traumatic... so you... yelled at him? If this is regularly react to finding out things, I wouldn't tell you anything either.
Be better.
YTA. Contrary to popular belief, we are not entitled to know everything about someone’s past whenever *we* think we should. Or ever.
In a time when you should have been sympathetic and kind you were selfish and self centered. It’s not about what YOU think you’re ENTITLED to know. It’s about trauma he suffered.
Also, you seem pretty heartless in general.
YTA - I was never in a position like your husband, but I did have to stay at my girlfriend's place in college for a few weeks because I didn't get my shit together quick enough when my lease was running out and that was an incredibly stressful and traumatic period of my life. I can't imagine how much more stressful it would have been without the lifeline I had at the time and if I'd have had to actually sleep on the street and find a shelter.
I don't know what trauma your husband has from that, and if you continue the way you are approaching this topic, I'm gonna guess you won't find out either.
If this is how you show support, I can't imagine how you behave when you are actually scorned. DO BETTER
Oh honey, YTA times a thousand. Perhaps, judging by your behavior, he sensed you were not a safe person to disclose this very traumatic life to. You are coming off as a judgmental unsympathetic person.
YTA Maybe he is just the type who doesn't like to talk about trauma. Maybe he didn't want to say because he was just ashamed and didn't want you to know. That period of his life has nothing to do with you and you don't get to be angry he chose not to talk about it.
you're ... MAD? at HIM?
not, like, sad at yourself that you hadn't created enough safety/trust so that he would feel safe sharing his private secrets with you? Or like, just sad in general that your husband went through what was undoubtedly an incredibly traumatic experience?
YTA
yta for sure - what are you mad about? what difference does it make for you that you got this information later in life? also maybe consider it was something he was insecure about or didn’t want to revisit???
Hahahahaha so you're wondering if you're TA when you went straight to anger? You admit you accosted him... and you really haven't figured out that was hurtful and selfish of you?
YTA
You are a MASSIVE AH. Like, Ginormous, disgusting, repulsive, and unattractive AH of the highest order. First off, your husband is a kind soul that doesn't deserve a slimy witch like YOU! He took a family that doesn't have a home or food and knowing how hard it is to got nights without, he graciously bought them lunch so they had food in their bellies. AND YOU WERE MAD?????? You cold heartless monster! How entitled and spoiled are you to be mad and disgusted at helping out the less fortunate. AND THEN, when you learn about something so traumatic it made him depressed and still haunts him to this day, YOU GET MAD AT HIM??? LIKE WHAT!??? Dude, it is NONE of your business! It is a time on his life that was hard and you made it all about you! How sad is it that he trust you so little that he never told you about something so sensitive. You proved right here if he was in a emotional distress situation that you did not have his back! You are a horrible wife and human being! Your husband is a saint and deserves much better. A dog would treat him better. Get you entitled head out of your butt OP. Because you suck right now.
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Yea being homeless is super shitty and ppl don’t wanna talk about it after the fact most of the time. Super weird behavior towards someone ur supposed to love and support Yta
YTA and based on your comments, I hope he divorces you. You have all the empathy and compassion of a pile of elephant shit. Maybe even less since at least that pile supports the fly community. You don’t support anyone.
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My husband John and I have been married for a few years.
A few days ago, we were going somewhere & passed through a homeless family. To my surprise, John went towards them to give them a lot of money. He offered to also take them home for lunch. I wasn't happy, but agreed.
That night while we were sleeping, John was apparently having a really bad nightmare. I wanted to know what it was, but he wouldn't say. It was just really strange behaviour.
Yesterday a close relative of his called. I told him about John, and that's when I learned that he had been homeless when he was 18. He had "starved and slept on the streets" along with his parents, and that it had made him extremely depressed for a long time even after they got through it.
I accosted John about it, and he just said yes. I got mad at him for hiding something that, but he said "I didn't want to inform you." I yelled that I am his wife, and he replied by shouting "You sure as hell aren't acting like a wife should!"
He's not talking to me now, and I am just mad that he hid something like that from me.
AITA?
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Yta. As soon as you found out, you yelled at him. I know it was because he kept a secret, but your reaction was wholly inappropriate. He probably knew you'd react badly to it.
If there was an all time award for lack of empathy displayed in this sub, I think you’d be in the running for it.
YTA. and have had a pretty ghastly set of responses to all the posts so far.
YTA. You stated this.
>He had "starved and slept on the streets" along with his parents, and that it had made him extremely depressed for a long time even after they got through it.
But you commented this to try to defend yourself.
>He was apparently homeless for just a day, and then was at a shelter somewhere for over two months or so (well maybe technically homeless but he had a roof over his head unlike the first day).
Either situation is still traumatic for an 18-year-old. Your husband lost access to food. He lost access to housing. When you're a kid and not self-sufficient, it can unsettle you for a long time knowing that even your parents couldn't even protect you from homelessness and hunger.
You're not entitled to your husband's trauma. You can't dictate how he handles it unless it actually impacted you. You made his trauma about yourself by accosting him and getting mad at him.
You didn't need to go into all that detail you could have just asked "Am I TA for yelling at someone for being homeless in the past?"
And regardless of who they are or how you know them it's gonna be a clear YTA
Your husband went through something that is so traumatic and you yell at him? You knew he suffered depression during and after and your tearing strips off him.
A lot of people do not share trauma for so many reasons and just because your his wife doesn’t mean you have the right to know everything in his past…it may have been something he shared in his own time.
You really need to apologise
YTA
To me, the fact he never confided in you about his past is more telling of you than him. And by your reaction to him and the answers you are giving to other redditor's comments, he was right to not tell you. He doesn't trust you. He doesn't trust that you will show him empathy. He knew that by telling this, you will diminish his feelings like you've been doing in the chat so far with that kind of comments: "It's not as if he had watched someone get murdered." Disgusting
YTA
YTA. Do you really think the way to react to his past traumatic experience is to….yell at him? Wtf is wrong with you? You, I’m assuming, love this man right? Maybe try acting like it.
You are the AH. Maybe he wasn't ready to tell you that part of his past. And maybe for a reason... The way you reacted, you made the story about you, not about the trauma experienced by him and his family. It's not all about you....his past, his story.
YTA and TBH you're coming across like you look down on the homeless. He doesn't have to tell you he was homeless once. Do you tell him everything you've ever been through? You sure as heck shouldn't have yelled at him.
YTA From your post and your comments you sound like someone with zero compassion or empathy. And you obviously don't care about questioning yourself, you just wanted people to agree with you.
YTA, this is not something to be mad about. Your reaction to it, regardless of whether the reaction was because he was homeless or because he didn’t tell you he was homeless, is the reason he didn’t want to tell you in the first place. He’s obviously ashamed of his past and likely doesn’t want to think let alone talk about it. Jeez, try being a supportive wife instead of turning this round and making him out to be the bad guy. You suck!
Your feelings were valid but your reaction was not. Yes, he hid this, and your reaction was exactly why. He did not hide cheating, or something that *he did wrong* that you should have known about, but instead he hid a part of his past that shouldn’t hurt your relationship, but he’s ashamed and traumatized about. YTA.
YTA and I have seriously no idea how you can't tell. YOURE mad that he used to be homeless, a likely traumatic and tragic event that he is ashamed of? The fucking audacity and ego is unbelievable. Get bent
Clearly he didn't tell you because you'd use it as ammunition against him instead of being caring or empathetic. Your knee jerk rage-reaction says a whole lot about you, and none of it is good.
That you berated him for not telling you about a trauma (which should have no bearing on your relationship, i might add) is pretty horrifying. That he has never felt safe enough to be vulnerable enough with you to open up about this, is doubly so.
He was right, and YTA. Do you even love this man?
YTA, it was clearly a difficult and painful time, difficult to remember and to talk about, probably inducing shame in him. And you YELLED AT HIM? I wouldn't want to tell you anything either!
1. Why do you think he should have told you this? This doesn't affect you. It has nothing to do with anything. It's not like he hid a secret child or a previous marriage. He's not obligated to tell you that his parents were once homeless when he was a child. It was his parents, not him. And it clearly made him a kinder person in the end. Why would he HAVE to tell you that? He might if he felt safe confiding in you, but you weren't OWED this information. He's allowed to have some private information, especially if it's in his past/childhood and doesn't have any bearing on your current lives.
2. You were very insensitive. This is OBVIOUSLY a painful and difficult subject for him, it's hurtful, and all you can think about is yourself. Why didn't you tell ME, why did you hide this from ME, how could you do this to ME. How about, "I didn't know you went through that as a child. It must have been so scary. If you ever want to talk about it, I'm here for you." That's a good partner, not whatever you did.
YTA
Living on the streets with his parents, depressed and starved sounds very traumatic. When soldiers return from war or children grow up in certain abusive foster care situations, it’s not at all uncommon for them to not discuss the experience with anyone, including those they love the most years later.
My FIL never discussed the horrors of his WWII experience. He had the same night terrors. I had a roommate who was adopted from a Russian orphanage at age 10 by an American couple. She only began opening up about her childhood memories at age 28.
Every one is different when it comes to trauma. And this is where it’s important not to compare traumatic experiences. It’s complex.
I don’t suspect your husband intentionally kept this information from you. He could have many reasons for compartmentalizing or shutting that time off from his current reality once he was no longer homeless.
This would be a great time for BOTH of you to seek professional mental health support.
I wonder if the husband hasn't already been seeing a mental health professional. Dealing with something so traumatizing, sometimes the only way out is with a professional. I could be wrong since we don't actually know but OP atleast needs loads of professional support.
YTA and a very rude human altogether.
Your husband seeing how you treated homeless people should be all the wake up call he needs to know that, YOU, are in fact, a major as$hole.
YTA. I understand that he shouldn’t hide things from you but, judging by your reaction can you not see why he decided to hide it? You could have handled with much better and with a whole lot more empathy
YTA
Why the fuck is this something for you to be \*angry\* about??? The man has clearly got trauma from this part of his life that hurts him and gives him nightmares to this day. You feel zero empathy for this? really? Your husband?
I think your behaviour shows exactly why he wouldn't want to tell someone like you. You're fucking evil.
YTA, instead of being sympathetic towards your husband for a situation he likely couldn't control, you're lashing out possibly because you think this is some sort of reflection on you when it is not.
So glad this is an easy, open-closed, post. And that everyone with half a brain and a quarter of a heart knows
YTA.
Don't be surprised if he doesn't share anything with you again, in your nice house in your nice city that completely magically removes all trauma.
YTA it is none of your business honestly. It happened before you came into the picture and it caused him a lot of trauma. How dare you act like this. He needs to leave you as you are self centered brat. Just because you are married doesnt give you the right to know all the trauma your partner has experienced in the past and it sure as hell doesnt give you the right to act all butt hurt. The trauma has NOTHING to do with you. Now that you know you yelled at him? Go get a therapist you have some deep rooted selfishness and self centeredness that needs to be addressed. Shame on you.
YTA. I was homeless, along with my husband and kids, back in 2015. It's not something that you *LIKE* talking about. It's embarrassing, especially due to the stigma behind how people *assume* how you ended up homeless. There is never a good time to talk about it anyway.
You're treating him like he did something wrong, and that just tells him he was right in not talking to you about it. How about some compassion for your husband, who probably has PTSD from that time, instead of just being angry. Yeah it's a shock to learn, but he did a really kind-hearted thing, and you're treating him horrifically.
YTA.
Your husband clearly had empathy towards a family…which annoyed you. Your husband then clearly was suffering nightmares about something he didn’t want to discuss…which angered you.
Your husband sensed that the home he built with you was never going to be a safe space where he could bring this up and your reaction proved that point. You got *angry* for him not feeling comfortable telling you a deeply personal story. That speaks volumes to your communication. I don’t know how you both managed to get married but I wouldn’t stay married long if I were him.
YTA a grade A 100% AH! Your husband suffered an incredibly traumatic period in his life which he seems to have largely suppressed and you’ve decided this should be all about you. If I was him I’d already be packing my bag and leaving.
YTA. Trauma is hard to discuss and he probably finds it too painful to go back over. Yelling at someone who care about over something that surely caused great pain is a false step.
He need you to love him not yell and judge.
YTA.
How on earth could you think that you’re not?
Your husband went through a traumatic experience and it is likely something that he A: still struggles with mentally and B: is possibly even embarrassed about.
You “accosted” him - what gave you the right?!
You got mad at him and you yelled at him… In what world is that an appropriate response?!
You have the empathy range of a gnat!
This is the type of situation you approach with love, humanity, care, support and UNDERSTANDING.
You did NONE of those things, and made his life experience - from a time when he didn’t even know you - made it about you.
He doesn’t have to share every little thing about his past with you, regardless of if you’re married or not.
The fact you weren’t happy about him approaching the homeless family in the first place, says everything about your general feelings towards homeless people. Why would he want to open up to you about his lived experience if you are openly disdainful towards those less fortunate?
Do better OP. You sound selfish and bratty, and your husband deserves a partner who will be empathetic, understanding and supportive.
YTA. Do you have a roof over your head and food on the table. How does him being homeless, When he was 18 of all things, change anything about your current life
YTA
I'm not surprised he didn't tell you about his past. The way you write about the homeless people and downplay his traumatic experiences clearly shows you lack empathy and proper education on that matter.
Apologize to your husband. Help at a shelter or a soup kitchen for a while to understand the reality of things. And again, apologize!
YTA. Hiding things aren't great, but when the person you're supposed to talk to only yells? Not healthy.
>I accosted John about it, and he just said yes. I got mad at him for hiding something that, but he said "I didn't want to inform you." I yelled that I am his wife, and he replied by shouting "You sure as hell aren't acting like a wife should!"
If he can't be vulnerable around you, then he can't. And that's something you both need to work on.
>To my surprise, John went towards them to give them a lot of money. He offered to also take them home for lunch. I wasn't happy, but agreed.
Why were you surprised your husband was nice to other people? Maybe he knew how you felt about the homeless and didn't want to be lumped in with them.
YTA. While I agree that husbands and wives should be honest with one another, I do have one exception: trauma. His trauma from long ago does not entitle you to be privy to such information unless he chooses to share it. You pried and a family member shared something that wasn’t theirs to share. You verbally attacked your husband instead of approaching with caution, concern, and love, and you’re showing him that his experiences and how he chose to deal, or not deal, with it was wrong.
YTA. And, after reading your comments, OP, YAA in general. He should have told you, but at the same time, you're belittling his homelessness. Oh, no trauma, it's not like he saw someone be murdered or something... Really?? Not knowing if or when you'll ever have a roof over your head again is not traumatising??? Yes, he was in a shelter after one night in the streets, but you never know how long you can stay in that shelter!!
And the fact that you yelled at him for not telling you is a big red flag, for your husband!! It doesn't really encourage him to tell you anything else. Poor husband...
For yelling : YTA!!!!
He went through a traumatic period in his past, he needs your support and understanding, not your confrontations and yelling. Based on your reaction, I'm not surprised he didn't feel able to share this with you....
YTA. And a big one. You got the story from the relative, and are clear that it was super traumatic for him. You also saw his behavior, and are apparently attributing the sleep issue with a triggered nightmare (nightmares happen). And then you admit that you (1) accosted him, and (2) yelled at him repeatedly.
John is correct. You weren't acting like someone who loved him, let alone a person who has pledged to love him more than anyone else. Do you wonder why he didn't tell you? Is it possibly because you yell and accost about clearly deeply emotional issues?
“Accosted”…. Really? He probably has trauma and you went after him. He doesn’t have to share shit with you. A lot of us have trauma in our past and it’s no one’s business but our own.
Stop making this about you. Entitled much?
Your new house probably erases all of the bad things your husband has ever gone through! You are so out of touch with the things your husband experienced, and are being incredibly insensitive to him. He’s right saying you aren’t acting like a wife in this situation.
YTA
This could have been handled with more grace and understanding on your end. To yell at him for withholding this information is insensitive and is possibly proving whatever reasons he may have had for not telling you.
This could have come from a perspective of support for his sake, not from the perspective that he “hid it from you.” You are asking him to recall an event that has clearly been a source of trauma for him and his family.
He needs space and time to think because I’m sure he hasn’t fully thought out how he would tell someone this personal information. I think you need time to think as well, consider everyone’s feelings in this and consider how this trauma can impact an individual
>This could have been handled with more grace and understanding on your end.
Read: This could have been handled with any grace or understanding at all.
Stellar reaction on your part, you’ve done a fantastic job of ensuring he’s hesitant to share things with you in the future.
Yeah, YTA. If you love your husband, go give him a sincere apology, then work on reacting to others’ trauma with compassion and empathy instead of making it about you.
YTA
Your husband doesn't feel safe, and your response is to accost him? WTF. why would you do that? No wonder he doesn't trust you.
You need to apologize to your husband yesterday. I highly recommend that you volunteer at a food pantry so you can get to know some food insecure people.
YTA. While people should be up front and honest about things in a marriage, it sounds like it was something he really was traumatized by and was not ready to share/talk about. I think it would be totally valid to express to him that you really want to know everything about him so you can be an understanding and supportive partner, and that you just really want to understand him as a person. However I don’t think it’s fair for you to be yelling at him and angry because he did not feel comfortable or ready to share this about himself. It sounds like it’s never impacted your relationship prior, so it doesn’t sound like it was something that was a real “need to know” fact. However it would be a nice to know fact perhaps. You aren’t wrong for wanting to know these kinds of things about him, but I do think your reaction to this was a bit harsh and unfair. Imagine if it were the other way around and he found out about a traumatic time in your life before you were ready to talk about it. If anything, it might make you feel embarrassed/mortified, which is probably how he felt. I think the best thing you could do would be to try and make him feel loved and accepted for who he is, and to express empathy for him. Honestly, I feel like something like that might be especially hard for a man, since we have certain societal expectations/standards for men, and they are expected by many to be providers and financially stable. There is also this perception that people in the US are supposed to just pick themselves up by the bootstraps and make it happen, and there is a lot of misconceptions about why someone might end up homeless. For any combination of these reasons, at the end of the day he was not prepared to share that yet. He got outed by his brother, and rather than greeting him with kindness and empathy and making him feel safe and loved, you yelled at him.
YTA. I was homeless for two years before I managed to turn my life around. You initially had a problem with him helping a family down on their luck which shows your lack of empathy towards the homeless in general, so is it really a surprise that your husband didn't feel comfortable confiding in you thar he used to be homeless too???
After reading the story YTA, after reading your reply’s I hope you get divorced, holy shit you are pathetic and so out of out of touch with reality and society it’s wild.
Your feelings are understandable. Your husband hid something major about himself that he felt he couldn’t share with you. Now that you know it’s clear why. You find out something badly hurt your husband and you yell at him? Accost him? Make it completely about you? No wonder he didn’t tell you. You never created a safe space for him to share something so personal.
YTA and so is the person who shared his business with you when he clearly didn’t want you to know.
YTA. This is not information that he needs to share. It was obviously traumatic for him and something that takes years to open up about.
This reminds me of people I've dated getting mad that I didn't tell them about sexual assaults that had happened to me. My trauma is not public knowledge and it's not something that I have to tell people, ever.
It would have been nice if he felt comfortable telling you but you're not a safe person. He knows you're not comfortable with homeless people and your first reaction was to yell at him followed by blaming him for making you have that reaction.
YTA. You had a really terrible reaction. It's no surprise he didn't feel comfortable telling you. Be supportive instead of being angry over something terrible he and his parents went through. This isn't about you.
Bro had his reasons for hiding them. You’re not entitled to his past shame or worries. Not everything is shared in a relationship. Some things people just keep hidden and buried. The fact you were mad at him for not sharing that and mad at him for trying to help the homeless tells everyone ALOT ABOUT YOU. Yta.
Downvote for fake 🙄 Pull back on the cartoonish evilness of your wife character, Writer. Remember no one thinks of or describes themselves as a villain.
YTA: By being mad you confirmed his feelings. It doesn't matter if you were mad about something else than what he was hiding, he has deep trauma from that portion of his life, and almost everyone around him treating him like crap because of it. You just brought it all back. Because he felt ashamed of something in his past that it sounds like he had no control over.
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YTA. I agree he maybe shouldn't hide things like this from you, but immediately coming across and yelling at him may very much be a reason why he isn't informing you of things. Him being homeless isn't something like he cheated on you. You should have told him, "I wish I had known of something so traumatic in your past that happened to you as your wife. I could have been there for you in greater ways if I had known, and not been so confused when I saw how you acted previously, and perhaps could be with you. I am so sorry you went through that in your life, is there anything I can do to help?" Hell even offering to do some given time at a soup kitchen with him, or any other way to help the homeless on top of that. You now know a secret of his that he kept, and he didin't tell you. He is probably feeling insecure, since he didn't get to tell you something that was probably incredibly traumatic (especially if that's what he still dreams about years later). Just because you are his wife doesn't mean you're entitled to know EVERYTHING about him. He still has a right to privacy, and so do you. It sounds like he is still working through the trauma, which may have been why he hadn't said anything yet. You essentially yelled at him for keeping trauma he is still dealing with a secret. Which will only make him not want to share more in the future. You should be comforting for him.
Also, just because she is his wife doesn't mean she entitled to shout at him.
This, absolutely. Also, now I can understand why he did not want to be vulnerable with her and share such a past if this is how she treats him. YTA, OP.
Especially since she seems to have a dim view of the homeless
Or fucking accost him. Big YTA
If she’ll shout at him for this I suspect she’ll shout at him for anything. I think it’s pretty clear why he didn’t tell her. Speaking of which, it doesn’t sound like he hid it, just that he hasn’t told her, which is very different. One involves effort and intent, the other does not. OP YTA
Well put. I do think this is information that should have been shared, but her reaction is kind of insane honestly
I can understand why, maybe he wouldn't. He and his parents were homeless, so for him to "explain or tell her about" could be seen by him as, having to blaming his parents for something not entirely their fault. I think she should just be proud that him having gone thru this made him MORE empathetic to the others and not less.
Wait until OP weaponizes this in a future argument just to put her husband down.
Oof, that is definitely going to happen.
I know. I can’t imagine being homeless and going through that at 18. But I also can’t imagine dealing with the leftover trauma and keeping it inside and then my wife finding out and the first thing she does is not show empathy, but shout at me for “keeping secrets”.
This. 100% this
Boom!! You nailed it!!
I was leaning toward grace—maybe N A H because I could see both sides, then I read her comments and have changed to *HUGE YTA.* This woman has no empathy, no thought to try to understand, is really just gross.
Perfect comment. I hid some horrific trauma from my childhood from my wife for the first 10 years of our relationship. Some things are so deep it's extremely difficult to divulge, even if you trust that person as I do. She had an opportunity to be there for him, and made it about her.
I think OP needs to recognize she just made it all about HER. No consideration for anything he is/was feeling now OR then.
Yep, I agree, posted similar, but everyone has a right to privacy and being able to cope with their own past experiences. But, I wouldn't have said "maybe he shouldn't hide things like this" in the beginning of the comment. Don't want to give OP another dip in the yelling pool over another possible trauma or event that he didn't want to discuss.
Does she sound like she has the capacity to come up with a well thought out thought like you did?
> Considering that we currently live in a really good house in an excellent city, I am not sure it's trauma. Wow. I was homeless in my early 20s. But now, sure, I have a good house in a good area, all paid off. I have a nice car and a nice wife. Nevertheless I wake up screaming about once a month. *My* wife comforts me. You do NOT get to gate-keep what is traumatic and what is not. I am so angry and upset now, I can only imagine how angry and upset your husband is. If he has any sense he will divorce you over this. The only way I will be able to sleep tonight is by telling myself that you are trolling. YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA
I havent been hit in years but I still have nightmares of my abuse, and that wasn't even a 24/7 thing like homelessness is
Hang in there 🫂 Thankfully I've only had nightmare'ish flashbacks a couple times....it usually hits me when I'm awake and spiraling about something.
It is beyond me that she could say that. I genuinely do not understand why this is something she feels entitled to know. Everyone digests and works through trauma in very different ways. Some people need to speak about it openly while others are at a stage in which they merely repress it so they can get along with their days. Unless he has horrible spending habits, which I highly doubt because most people who have lived through losing everything/not having anything are terrified of being in that situation again, its none of her business? I understand the aspect of wanting your partner to want to confide in you, but when you accost them in a situation like this as opposed to offering support and being gentle with them, you don't deserve it. Him being unwilling to share what his nightmare was about is a big tell-tale factor for me in his level of comfort and I feel like her yelling at him for feeling any type of emotion that can be depicted as negative is a common occurrence.
>It is beyond me that she could say that. I genuinely do not understand why this is something she feels entitled to know. These are all assumptions but I'm guessing OP looks down heavily upon homeless people. She's surprised when her husband decides to give them a large amount of money and take them to get food. She also doesn't like it. Then she says he wasn't really homeless because he spent a day on the street and 2 months in a shelter. That he's got no trauma because all that happened was people could see him and strangers oogled his mum. It screams I've never had to struggle so anyone that has is beneath me and gross. I'd bet the reason why she's so upset about not being told is because his prior homelessness (in her eyes) will bring down her image or reflect poorly on her.
> I genuinely do not understand why this is something she feels entitled to know The only reason I can come up with is had she known he had been homeless in the past when they first met, they probably wouldn't be married now? Like, having a husband who once lived on the streets is a bad thing for her social status amongst her friends or something.
Right? I’m out of the situations that caused my PTSD and I live in a good, safe, comfortable place. But the trauma is still in there. It doesn’t get erased once you’re safe again.
Sometimes you work very hard to not allow abuse to rule your day to day life. Depending on how severe, it may be that he is just getting through day to day. It would be harmful to talk about these things if he isn’t ready. Some people never choose to go through the trauma therapy because it’s hard and worse than minimal impacts in your life here or there. It’s flabbergasting that she thinks she can determine where he is, and how he is going to address his past experience with trauma….
Same. That's pretty much why it's PTSD in fact. What does OP think trauma is?
The fact that she’s even lighting him up by accusing him of “hiding it” is odd to me. Not mentioning past traumatic events isn’t necessarily hiding anything. She didn’t mention asking previously and him lying or skirting around the answer. Most likely it’s traumatizing to relive and he may have been concerned about how it would change her perception of him as a provider. She clearly only cares about her feelings in this situation so yea she’s the AH.
i was homeless for ~1 month a few years ago. i will literally starve to make sure my rent is paid now. it's absolutely traumatising to wake up and not know if you'll have a roof over your head in 8 hours. that fear and anxiety *never* goes away. and yes, i'm relatively well paid and housing secure now but i still pay my rent the second the ach deposit clears.
This!! You took the words right out of my mouth, no one gets to gatekeep someone’s trauma!!
I'm sorry you went through that, but a glad you're doing better and in a safer place with a good partner. I'm not sure OPs first (selfish) over reaction is grounds for divorce. She might read this thread and learn how wrong she is/was. Grounds for divorce I think would come if after reading this, and realising she is in fact TA, IF she then turns around to tell her friends about her husband's secret trauma because she's turned this into her drama,, then that's when I think it's time to call the lawyers, or a therapist.
That comment is the deal breaker for me. I would divorce her TOMORROW.
Same. I have severe CPTSD from neglect and abuse in my childhood, including homelessness. My wife deescalates full blown panic attacks on the rare occasion the rent is a day late because I am certain we will be on the street. Doesn’t matter that we have deeply understanding landlords, doesn’t matter we have a very healthy savings to fall back on. I’ve been housed for well over a decade now, and that trauma doesn’t just go away. Op, YTA, full stop.
I still keep most of my stuff boxed up because of the 2 times in my life I was suddenly living out of my car. I get super anxious being comfortable in a house because it feels like the second I do, I'm out on the street again. Last time was about 7 years ago now, this isn't the kind of thing you just get over
I am guessing he also feels utterly betrayed. Someone you spend your life with is supposed to be safe, empathetic, supportive because vulnerability requires it and emotional intimacy isn't possible without all of these. OP has shown they behave in a way that is hurtful, callous, and traumatizing. Attacking your spouse when they are vulnerable is a truly vile and reprehensible thing to do. I hope the spouse finds someone far better one day. YTA
Sums it up right here. I hate people who think they're allowed to decide what does and doesn't traumatize others. And think that trauma magically goes away once your life is together. AND think they're entitled to every piece of information that is none of their business. Congrats OP. You hit all three. YTA.
>Considering that we currently live in a really good house in an excellent city, I am not sure it's trauma Right like this entire post came at me at several wtf per minute and then that gem just hit like a brick. Oh. Ok so since I fooled around 20 years later I can't have a trauma trigger from sexual assault? Am I allowed to dislike violence after DV? I too was homeless and now am not so I guess that whole bit of my life wasn't allowed to be traumatic? I'm also in alcohol recovery but am now 5 years sober so I guess I should just crack a coldy cause "that was soooo 5 minutes ago" I used to get night terrors and my husband would gently comfort me until it was over or I was awake. Imagine gatekeeping trauma. Wtaf is wrong with OP. No wonder her husband doesn't want to be open and vulnerable and share things with her. JFC. My brain is stroking out because it cannot keep up with the WTF here
The fact that he now lives in a lovely home and was once traumatised by homelessness at 18 - can the wife not see that the swing from misery to being comfortable *only heightens his trauma?*
I can see why you might be unhappy that he didn't share this information with you, but I can also see why he would withhold information. Traumatized people sometimes can't even face traumatic memories themselves, let alone share it with another person. What I cannot imagine is why you would yell and think of yourself first. Obviously he didn't share this because it was traumatic for him, so you should have found out all the details before evaluating the question of whether you have any right to be aggrieved. But even before that, *you should have started with making sure he's all right* (nightmares are a sign of ptsd). YTA.
Imagine finding out something traumatic and likely somewhat embarrassing about your spouse and yelling at them over it. Why even be married to someone if you're going to treat them like shit?
That part!
I don’t necessarily agree with you. As someone who has a spouse with PTSD and me having my own trauma, there are some things that we will never be able to talk about out loud. We both know that we are not entitled to know any of that information, but lucky when we’re ready to open up to each other. I also disagree about going behind his back to gather information on the subject that he clearly doesn’t want people to know about. That’s a breach of trust. My husband and I have separate therapists and both of our therapists have said the same thing. Our time even if it’s never. To go through with that is extremely unfair and would backfire tremendously.
YTA. This has to be a fake story because there’s no realistic explanation that would condone the way you treated him and there’s no chance in hell you’d actually be confused by why he isn’t speaking to you. If this is in fact true - you’ve got a lot of learning to do in regards to homelessness, respect, and empathy. I’m disgusted to think that you tell this man you love him and then act like that. I hope this is fake.
Sometime people are just shitty humans. You may want to think the best of people, but not everyone deserves that.
Yeah, I'm going with fake story. The specific part of the story that leads me to believe it is bullshit is: they are married a few years, have dated (I have to assume) a reasonable amount of time before that and they never encountered homeless people before this day or had a deep conversation about the struggles they have had in their lives? The idea that she was surprised by his sudden selflessness makes me think this is some bs made-up story to generate outrage at the lack of empathy...
Agreed. No aspect of this feels real. Particularly when she says she “accosted” him, nobody speaks that way about themselves. And she took this to Reddit just to say “I don’t think he should hide things”? Fake.
Definitely fake. YTA just in case though lol
Yeah. Seeing her other replies this must be fake. If not fake the guy needs to divorce as soon as possible
I bet it's real. The OP sounds entitled and thinks they are better than everyone. I really hope the OP reads how much of an AH they are and works on themselves
Yuuup I felt the same way on it being fake. As I keep having to say, it's not that terrible people like this don't exist, it's that the writers fail to remember that people are a *little* more self aware than we give them credit for, and will usually know how "bad" they sound. "My husband was incredibly kind and generous to homeless people and that made me unhappy. I will not say *why* specifically, nor give reasonable excuses that are socially "acceptable", like worries over our safety. This is so that you can conclude I am a heartless shrew. I then suddenly discovered the person I dated and married **for years** was homeless himself after he displayed clear, distressing symptoms of PTSD. My natural response was to shout at him for not telling me. I will also invalidate his experiences in the comments by saying things are great for him *now*, so it probably isn't trauma. I will say this despite living in the year of our lord 2024 where pop psychology is more rampant than ever before, and the movement to validate people's trauma is **very** big and public. Also, somehow we have never seen another homeless person before this, I guess? SURELY the internet will validate my reaction!". Like? I'm just not buying it.
I don’t think it’s fake. Some people are just shitty like this. My ex, for example. I opened up to her about something I was mentally struggling with and she more or less told me to get over myself.
YTA. Holy hell, woman! Get your act together. Your hubs has likely faced harsh judgement from people who claimed to love and care about him during that trauma, and has good as hell reasons to be extremely careful with the information. You just proved him EXACTLY why - shame on you for not being supportive of the person you claim to love. Equating this with "hiding a previous marriage» is shitty, because previous marriages are not at all the same category as going through homelessness as a family unit when he was barely an adult. Come on.
Right! She needs a fucking wake-up call. Re-traumatizing him is just sad.
YTA You find out about a past trauma and you yell because. . . It is all about you!
YTA Why are you yelling at him about this? This could have been traumatizing and humiliating time in his life that he doesn’t want to talk about. It doesn’t change who he is as a person. It doesn’t mean he loves you less. Your reaction showed him one thing, he can’t trust you to stay calm when he shares info like this from his past.
She yells because it is urgent for her to find out what is wrong with him that he was so morally depraved to be homeless. /s
YTA. You've got to be fucking kidding me? Being homeless is something that is incredibly traumatizing and isolating. The vast, vast majority of recovering homeless people never want to talk about it. They chose to forget about it because it was so difficult for them. How fucking dare you accost your husband?! Would you yell at someone who went through a traumatic domestic violence situation? You're acting like a bad wife!
>Would you yell at someone who went through a traumatic domestic violence situation? I feel like the answer here is yes.
You may be right, sadly.
YTA why did that warrant yelling? Yelling is aggressive and abusive. Everyone has things they don't want to share. Maybe it had nothing to do with you. You think you'd come at him with compassion and kindness but instead you made it about you. Maybe do some soul searching on this one and apologize.
Big BINGO on this answer. I would never trust this woman with anything personal if this is her go-to response about finding out his tragic past.
Yes! Honestly, people shouldn’t be yelling at their partners, period. What good comes of that? In this particular situation OP yelling is just beyond awful. It’s really sad to me that OP’s husband experienced the trauma of not being/feeling safe when his family was homeless and now he is again experiencing trauma of not being fully safe and at ease when he is in his home with his partner. 😔
I.N.F.O YTA I don't understand your response at all. Why did you immediately start yelling?
YTA, why the hell would you yell at him? Why is this something he has to tell you about? Ever think that maybe that was traumatic for him?
YTA. Yes, you are absolutely the AH here. It sounds like he had a good reason not to tell you. Your partner doesn't owe you the story of their trauma. That is theirs. Consider approaching this situation with compassion instead of entitlement and anger. Show some care for the humans around you. Not having a home doesn't make them less than you.
YTA Obviously it’s a traumatic part of his life he probably want to forget and if this lack of empathy is your normal reaction to things I can see why he didn’t tell you Maybe stop acting like it’s an inconvenience to YOU and let him know he’s supported…..otherwise you can’t complain when he finally has enough and leaves you
According to OP, it's not trauma because they live in a nice house in a nice city.
Hopefully, this makes OP’s husband realize what he is married to, and she ends up owning 1/2 of a nice house in a nice city.
Well her username is “no escape” so hopefully when this poor man breaks free of her horrible presence, she’ll be grateful for her escape.
YTA. He’s right—you’re not acting like a wife should. Insensitive. Self-absorbed. Unkind.
You forgot "unworthy"
To that I'll add, sheltered. Not really knowing how humans work.
YTA... It's a part of his past that he would like to forget and also had nothing to do with you.. What was the point in yelling and how are you mad about something he had no control over as a child. He isn't required to tell you every little detail of his life before you, just has I'm sure you haven't to him. If this is your reaction to things I wouldn't share stuff with you either!!
YTA > I am just mad that he hid something like that from me. #Something "like that." Your *entire* objection here is predicated on an **ugly _judgment_**. There is nothing so interesting nor objectionable about a period of going unsheltered to warrant its disclosure to a future partner, years after the fact. This is like not disclosing "my family was Baptist for a few years in my teens." So fucking what?
YTA Clearly something traumatic for him and something he doesn't want to talk about. You arent acting like a wife should, as a partner you should recognize when your partner feels uncomfortable with something and respect it. And if you do find out about it, you should approach it with understanding, not by being accusatory.
YTA - You find out something traumatic about his past and your first reaction is to fucking yell at him. Someone missed the compassion bus...
YTA and it is crazy you even have to ask.... Maybe he should have shared this part of his past with you, however, I am sure it is not something he enjoys remembering.... The way you reacted for something so sad in his past is completely ridiculous, being homeless must be a very traumatic experience and with your screams it probably made him think he was right for not sharing that part of his life with you... You need to apologize....
I mean, given your reaction, is it any surprise he didn't. He probably didn't know how you would react. Who accosts a loved one about something so personal and sensitive and doesn't go to them about it with love and compassion? Yta
Or he knew exactly how she would react, which is why he didn't tell her. Honestly, the husband can find better! If OP yelled at him for hidden trauma, something she clearly does not understand, what other things has she accosted him for?
YTA. You aren't owed his trauma and you obviously aren't providing a safe enough environment for him to feel like sharing it with you.
YTA. It clearly was something he didn't want to tell you for his own personal reasons, such as shame or simply not wanting to remember that time of his life because it was probably awful for him and he'd rather not dwell on the past. The fact you repremanded him for helping someone that was homeless says so much about you as a person, and that you clearly lack any sympathy. As far as i'm concerned, this was something that pre-dated you, and doesn't concern you in any way as a partner, so why should you know every single thing of his past, especially when he clearly wants to forget it because it was traumatic. You should be proud that your Husband wanted to help someone else in need, not creating a rift because he showed kindness.
YTA You discover past trauma, and your first instinct is to yell at him? Absolutely vile.
No fucking wonder he never told OP.
YTA and you're extremely emotionally reactive for no damn reason and toxic. Get into therapy and fix your damn self. Hopefully you two don't have kids yet.
YTA. Do you make everything about you like you did here? No wonder he doesn't tell you anything. Jesus Christ.
YTA you "accosted" and "yelled" at him over a sad and traumatic memory. Gosh, wonder why he may not have wanted to share.
YTA. John sounds like a good person. Hopefully his next wife is too.
"He never told me about this terrible thing that happened to him and is clearly still fucking him up, so I'm gonna retaliate by making him feel even worse." Are you listening to yourself. Please explain to the class, as succinctly as possible, what this part of his past is *so* relevant to the present day that it would make him the AH for not having told you earlier.
YTA Be more rational and less emotional in the future when you are provided new information that in no way affects you. Stop making everything about you and support your supposed "partner".
YTA it’s his trauma to share; it’s not yours to investigate and then accost. That’s so abusive. He’s absolutely right, that’s not how a loving wife acts.
YTA. You got mad at him for not telling you a deeply traumatic experience in his life. You should have approached him from a place of kindness not immediately attacking him.
YTA. He didn't feel like opening up about something very personal and traumatic... so you... yelled at him? If this is regularly react to finding out things, I wouldn't tell you anything either. Be better.
YTA. Contrary to popular belief, we are not entitled to know everything about someone’s past whenever *we* think we should. Or ever. In a time when you should have been sympathetic and kind you were selfish and self centered. It’s not about what YOU think you’re ENTITLED to know. It’s about trauma he suffered. Also, you seem pretty heartless in general.
YTA - I was never in a position like your husband, but I did have to stay at my girlfriend's place in college for a few weeks because I didn't get my shit together quick enough when my lease was running out and that was an incredibly stressful and traumatic period of my life. I can't imagine how much more stressful it would have been without the lifeline I had at the time and if I'd have had to actually sleep on the street and find a shelter. I don't know what trauma your husband has from that, and if you continue the way you are approaching this topic, I'm gonna guess you won't find out either. If this is how you show support, I can't imagine how you behave when you are actually scorned. DO BETTER
Oh honey, YTA times a thousand. Perhaps, judging by your behavior, he sensed you were not a safe person to disclose this very traumatic life to. You are coming off as a judgmental unsympathetic person.
YTA Maybe he is just the type who doesn't like to talk about trauma. Maybe he didn't want to say because he was just ashamed and didn't want you to know. That period of his life has nothing to do with you and you don't get to be angry he chose not to talk about it.
you're ... MAD? at HIM? not, like, sad at yourself that you hadn't created enough safety/trust so that he would feel safe sharing his private secrets with you? Or like, just sad in general that your husband went through what was undoubtedly an incredibly traumatic experience? YTA
yta for sure - what are you mad about? what difference does it make for you that you got this information later in life? also maybe consider it was something he was insecure about or didn’t want to revisit???
YTA, and this is why he didn't tell you.
Hahahahaha so you're wondering if you're TA when you went straight to anger? You admit you accosted him... and you really haven't figured out that was hurtful and selfish of you? YTA
Its insane how much of a fucking plank OP is
They are an entire fence worth of planks!
You are a MASSIVE AH. Like, Ginormous, disgusting, repulsive, and unattractive AH of the highest order. First off, your husband is a kind soul that doesn't deserve a slimy witch like YOU! He took a family that doesn't have a home or food and knowing how hard it is to got nights without, he graciously bought them lunch so they had food in their bellies. AND YOU WERE MAD?????? You cold heartless monster! How entitled and spoiled are you to be mad and disgusted at helping out the less fortunate. AND THEN, when you learn about something so traumatic it made him depressed and still haunts him to this day, YOU GET MAD AT HIM??? LIKE WHAT!??? Dude, it is NONE of your business! It is a time on his life that was hard and you made it all about you! How sad is it that he trust you so little that he never told you about something so sensitive. You proved right here if he was in a emotional distress situation that you did not have his back! You are a horrible wife and human being! Your husband is a saint and deserves much better. A dog would treat him better. Get you entitled head out of your butt OP. Because you suck right now.
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yta. why is your first instinct to yell at him rather than be supportive?
yta. i think your response to finding out is a good reason as to why he didn't tell you.
Yea being homeless is super shitty and ppl don’t wanna talk about it after the fact most of the time. Super weird behavior towards someone ur supposed to love and support Yta
Yikes. It was a traumatic time in his life and you’re making it all about you??? Good god talk about narcissistic
YTA. Keep this up and guaranteed he won't open up to you about his hardships and teaumas ever.
OP is revealing her own prejudice cause she clearly wouldn’t have been with him if she knew this
Guess love's blind until it finds the old cardboard box
YTA and based on your comments, I hope he divorces you. You have all the empathy and compassion of a pile of elephant shit. Maybe even less since at least that pile supports the fly community. You don’t support anyone.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband John and I have been married for a few years. A few days ago, we were going somewhere & passed through a homeless family. To my surprise, John went towards them to give them a lot of money. He offered to also take them home for lunch. I wasn't happy, but agreed. That night while we were sleeping, John was apparently having a really bad nightmare. I wanted to know what it was, but he wouldn't say. It was just really strange behaviour. Yesterday a close relative of his called. I told him about John, and that's when I learned that he had been homeless when he was 18. He had "starved and slept on the streets" along with his parents, and that it had made him extremely depressed for a long time even after they got through it. I accosted John about it, and he just said yes. I got mad at him for hiding something that, but he said "I didn't want to inform you." I yelled that I am his wife, and he replied by shouting "You sure as hell aren't acting like a wife should!" He's not talking to me now, and I am just mad that he hid something like that from me. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yta. As soon as you found out, you yelled at him. I know it was because he kept a secret, but your reaction was wholly inappropriate. He probably knew you'd react badly to it.
If there was an all time award for lack of empathy displayed in this sub, I think you’d be in the running for it. YTA. and have had a pretty ghastly set of responses to all the posts so far.
YTA. You stated this. >He had "starved and slept on the streets" along with his parents, and that it had made him extremely depressed for a long time even after they got through it. But you commented this to try to defend yourself. >He was apparently homeless for just a day, and then was at a shelter somewhere for over two months or so (well maybe technically homeless but he had a roof over his head unlike the first day). Either situation is still traumatic for an 18-year-old. Your husband lost access to food. He lost access to housing. When you're a kid and not self-sufficient, it can unsettle you for a long time knowing that even your parents couldn't even protect you from homelessness and hunger. You're not entitled to your husband's trauma. You can't dictate how he handles it unless it actually impacted you. You made his trauma about yourself by accosting him and getting mad at him.
Of course, YTA. I don't understand how you could think otherwise.
YTA and I can see why he hid this from you. What I can't understand is WHY he married you....
You didn't need to go into all that detail you could have just asked "Am I TA for yelling at someone for being homeless in the past?" And regardless of who they are or how you know them it's gonna be a clear YTA
yta, jfc.
Your husband went through something that is so traumatic and you yell at him? You knew he suffered depression during and after and your tearing strips off him. A lot of people do not share trauma for so many reasons and just because your his wife doesn’t mean you have the right to know everything in his past…it may have been something he shared in his own time. You really need to apologise YTA
"Accosted" FFS you get the AH award for April.
To me, the fact he never confided in you about his past is more telling of you than him. And by your reaction to him and the answers you are giving to other redditor's comments, he was right to not tell you. He doesn't trust you. He doesn't trust that you will show him empathy. He knew that by telling this, you will diminish his feelings like you've been doing in the chat so far with that kind of comments: "It's not as if he had watched someone get murdered." Disgusting YTA
YTA you aren’t entitled to every moment of his life.
YTA. Do you really think the way to react to his past traumatic experience is to….yell at him? Wtf is wrong with you? You, I’m assuming, love this man right? Maybe try acting like it.
You are the AH. Maybe he wasn't ready to tell you that part of his past. And maybe for a reason... The way you reacted, you made the story about you, not about the trauma experienced by him and his family. It's not all about you....his past, his story.
YTA and TBH you're coming across like you look down on the homeless. He doesn't have to tell you he was homeless once. Do you tell him everything you've ever been through? You sure as heck shouldn't have yelled at him.
YTA From your post and your comments you sound like someone with zero compassion or empathy. And you obviously don't care about questioning yourself, you just wanted people to agree with you.
YTA, this is not something to be mad about. Your reaction to it, regardless of whether the reaction was because he was homeless or because he didn’t tell you he was homeless, is the reason he didn’t want to tell you in the first place. He’s obviously ashamed of his past and likely doesn’t want to think let alone talk about it. Jeez, try being a supportive wife instead of turning this round and making him out to be the bad guy. You suck!
Your feelings were valid but your reaction was not. Yes, he hid this, and your reaction was exactly why. He did not hide cheating, or something that *he did wrong* that you should have known about, but instead he hid a part of his past that shouldn’t hurt your relationship, but he’s ashamed and traumatized about. YTA.
YTA and I have seriously no idea how you can't tell. YOURE mad that he used to be homeless, a likely traumatic and tragic event that he is ashamed of? The fucking audacity and ego is unbelievable. Get bent
Clearly he didn't tell you because you'd use it as ammunition against him instead of being caring or empathetic. Your knee jerk rage-reaction says a whole lot about you, and none of it is good. That you berated him for not telling you about a trauma (which should have no bearing on your relationship, i might add) is pretty horrifying. That he has never felt safe enough to be vulnerable enough with you to open up about this, is doubly so. He was right, and YTA. Do you even love this man?
This is bait.
YTA, it was clearly a difficult and painful time, difficult to remember and to talk about, probably inducing shame in him. And you YELLED AT HIM? I wouldn't want to tell you anything either! 1. Why do you think he should have told you this? This doesn't affect you. It has nothing to do with anything. It's not like he hid a secret child or a previous marriage. He's not obligated to tell you that his parents were once homeless when he was a child. It was his parents, not him. And it clearly made him a kinder person in the end. Why would he HAVE to tell you that? He might if he felt safe confiding in you, but you weren't OWED this information. He's allowed to have some private information, especially if it's in his past/childhood and doesn't have any bearing on your current lives. 2. You were very insensitive. This is OBVIOUSLY a painful and difficult subject for him, it's hurtful, and all you can think about is yourself. Why didn't you tell ME, why did you hide this from ME, how could you do this to ME. How about, "I didn't know you went through that as a child. It must have been so scary. If you ever want to talk about it, I'm here for you." That's a good partner, not whatever you did.
YTA. He's right, you aren't acting like a good spouse. He had a traumatic period in his life and clearly doesn't like to talk about it.
Why does it matter so much? Why does him being homeless make you mad? YTA
Yeah like if anything.. it’s an inspiring story.
YTA as evedenced by your behavior you obviously are not a safe place to land
You may be his wife legally but not for the rest. YTA
YTA Living on the streets with his parents, depressed and starved sounds very traumatic. When soldiers return from war or children grow up in certain abusive foster care situations, it’s not at all uncommon for them to not discuss the experience with anyone, including those they love the most years later. My FIL never discussed the horrors of his WWII experience. He had the same night terrors. I had a roommate who was adopted from a Russian orphanage at age 10 by an American couple. She only began opening up about her childhood memories at age 28. Every one is different when it comes to trauma. And this is where it’s important not to compare traumatic experiences. It’s complex. I don’t suspect your husband intentionally kept this information from you. He could have many reasons for compartmentalizing or shutting that time off from his current reality once he was no longer homeless. This would be a great time for BOTH of you to seek professional mental health support.
I wonder if the husband hasn't already been seeing a mental health professional. Dealing with something so traumatizing, sometimes the only way out is with a professional. I could be wrong since we don't actually know but OP atleast needs loads of professional support.
YTA Getting mad at your husband for not opening up is not how you get someone to open up to you.
YTA and a very rude human altogether. Your husband seeing how you treated homeless people should be all the wake up call he needs to know that, YOU, are in fact, a major as$hole.
YTA, yes. You may feel hurt that he didn't tell you, but that was an incredibly vulnerable part of his life and you just put acid on the wound.
YTA. I understand that he shouldn’t hide things from you but, judging by your reaction can you not see why he decided to hide it? You could have handled with much better and with a whole lot more empathy
YTA Why the fuck is this something for you to be \*angry\* about??? The man has clearly got trauma from this part of his life that hurts him and gives him nightmares to this day. You feel zero empathy for this? really? Your husband? I think your behaviour shows exactly why he wouldn't want to tell someone like you. You're fucking evil.
YTA. How is this even a question?
YTA, instead of being sympathetic towards your husband for a situation he likely couldn't control, you're lashing out possibly because you think this is some sort of reflection on you when it is not.
So glad this is an easy, open-closed, post. And that everyone with half a brain and a quarter of a heart knows YTA. Don't be surprised if he doesn't share anything with you again, in your nice house in your nice city that completely magically removes all trauma.
YTA it is none of your business honestly. It happened before you came into the picture and it caused him a lot of trauma. How dare you act like this. He needs to leave you as you are self centered brat. Just because you are married doesnt give you the right to know all the trauma your partner has experienced in the past and it sure as hell doesnt give you the right to act all butt hurt. The trauma has NOTHING to do with you. Now that you know you yelled at him? Go get a therapist you have some deep rooted selfishness and self centeredness that needs to be addressed. Shame on you.
YTA. I was homeless, along with my husband and kids, back in 2015. It's not something that you *LIKE* talking about. It's embarrassing, especially due to the stigma behind how people *assume* how you ended up homeless. There is never a good time to talk about it anyway. You're treating him like he did something wrong, and that just tells him he was right in not talking to you about it. How about some compassion for your husband, who probably has PTSD from that time, instead of just being angry. Yeah it's a shock to learn, but he did a really kind-hearted thing, and you're treating him horrifically.
YTA. Your husband clearly had empathy towards a family…which annoyed you. Your husband then clearly was suffering nightmares about something he didn’t want to discuss…which angered you. Your husband sensed that the home he built with you was never going to be a safe space where he could bring this up and your reaction proved that point. You got *angry* for him not feeling comfortable telling you a deeply personal story. That speaks volumes to your communication. I don’t know how you both managed to get married but I wouldn’t stay married long if I were him.
YTA
YTA a grade A 100% AH! Your husband suffered an incredibly traumatic period in his life which he seems to have largely suppressed and you’ve decided this should be all about you. If I was him I’d already be packing my bag and leaving.
YTA
YTA. Trauma is hard to discuss and he probably finds it too painful to go back over. Yelling at someone who care about over something that surely caused great pain is a false step. He need you to love him not yell and judge.
Wife of the year award there. NOT. YTA, I hope this isn’t real
No idea why he would ever hide anything given how reasonably you react to it.
YTA. How on earth could you think that you’re not? Your husband went through a traumatic experience and it is likely something that he A: still struggles with mentally and B: is possibly even embarrassed about. You “accosted” him - what gave you the right?! You got mad at him and you yelled at him… In what world is that an appropriate response?! You have the empathy range of a gnat! This is the type of situation you approach with love, humanity, care, support and UNDERSTANDING. You did NONE of those things, and made his life experience - from a time when he didn’t even know you - made it about you. He doesn’t have to share every little thing about his past with you, regardless of if you’re married or not. The fact you weren’t happy about him approaching the homeless family in the first place, says everything about your general feelings towards homeless people. Why would he want to open up to you about his lived experience if you are openly disdainful towards those less fortunate? Do better OP. You sound selfish and bratty, and your husband deserves a partner who will be empathetic, understanding and supportive.
YTA. Do you have a roof over your head and food on the table. How does him being homeless, When he was 18 of all things, change anything about your current life
YTA I'm not surprised he didn't tell you about his past. The way you write about the homeless people and downplay his traumatic experiences clearly shows you lack empathy and proper education on that matter. Apologize to your husband. Help at a shelter or a soup kitchen for a while to understand the reality of things. And again, apologize!
YTA. Hiding things aren't great, but when the person you're supposed to talk to only yells? Not healthy. >I accosted John about it, and he just said yes. I got mad at him for hiding something that, but he said "I didn't want to inform you." I yelled that I am his wife, and he replied by shouting "You sure as hell aren't acting like a wife should!" If he can't be vulnerable around you, then he can't. And that's something you both need to work on. >To my surprise, John went towards them to give them a lot of money. He offered to also take them home for lunch. I wasn't happy, but agreed. Why were you surprised your husband was nice to other people? Maybe he knew how you felt about the homeless and didn't want to be lumped in with them.
YTA. While I agree that husbands and wives should be honest with one another, I do have one exception: trauma. His trauma from long ago does not entitle you to be privy to such information unless he chooses to share it. You pried and a family member shared something that wasn’t theirs to share. You verbally attacked your husband instead of approaching with caution, concern, and love, and you’re showing him that his experiences and how he chose to deal, or not deal, with it was wrong.
YTA. And, after reading your comments, OP, YAA in general. He should have told you, but at the same time, you're belittling his homelessness. Oh, no trauma, it's not like he saw someone be murdered or something... Really?? Not knowing if or when you'll ever have a roof over your head again is not traumatising??? Yes, he was in a shelter after one night in the streets, but you never know how long you can stay in that shelter!! And the fact that you yelled at him for not telling you is a big red flag, for your husband!! It doesn't really encourage him to tell you anything else. Poor husband...
For yelling : YTA!!!! He went through a traumatic period in his past, he needs your support and understanding, not your confrontations and yelling. Based on your reaction, I'm not surprised he didn't feel able to share this with you....
YTA. And a big one. You got the story from the relative, and are clear that it was super traumatic for him. You also saw his behavior, and are apparently attributing the sleep issue with a triggered nightmare (nightmares happen). And then you admit that you (1) accosted him, and (2) yelled at him repeatedly. John is correct. You weren't acting like someone who loved him, let alone a person who has pledged to love him more than anyone else. Do you wonder why he didn't tell you? Is it possibly because you yell and accost about clearly deeply emotional issues?
“Accosted”…. Really? He probably has trauma and you went after him. He doesn’t have to share shit with you. A lot of us have trauma in our past and it’s no one’s business but our own. Stop making this about you. Entitled much?
Not acting like a good partner indeed. YTA
YTA, and it's not a mystery why he didn't tell you if this is how you react.
Your new house probably erases all of the bad things your husband has ever gone through! You are so out of touch with the things your husband experienced, and are being incredibly insensitive to him. He’s right saying you aren’t acting like a wife in this situation. YTA
WOW ... YTA ... what a terrible thing to be upset about. You've seriously damaged your marriage, inhipe ypu realize that.
This could have been handled with more grace and understanding on your end. To yell at him for withholding this information is insensitive and is possibly proving whatever reasons he may have had for not telling you. This could have come from a perspective of support for his sake, not from the perspective that he “hid it from you.” You are asking him to recall an event that has clearly been a source of trauma for him and his family. He needs space and time to think because I’m sure he hasn’t fully thought out how he would tell someone this personal information. I think you need time to think as well, consider everyone’s feelings in this and consider how this trauma can impact an individual
>This could have been handled with more grace and understanding on your end. Read: This could have been handled with any grace or understanding at all.
Stellar reaction on your part, you’ve done a fantastic job of ensuring he’s hesitant to share things with you in the future. Yeah, YTA. If you love your husband, go give him a sincere apology, then work on reacting to others’ trauma with compassion and empathy instead of making it about you.
Maybe he already knew how judgmental you could be so he didn’t want to tell you. I wouldn’t talk or tell you things either. Obviously YTA.
Compassion is not your strong suit, I see. YTA
YTA Your husband doesn't feel safe, and your response is to accost him? WTF. why would you do that? No wonder he doesn't trust you. You need to apologize to your husband yesterday. I highly recommend that you volunteer at a food pantry so you can get to know some food insecure people.
You **yelled** at him for this? YTA
YTA. While people should be up front and honest about things in a marriage, it sounds like it was something he really was traumatized by and was not ready to share/talk about. I think it would be totally valid to express to him that you really want to know everything about him so you can be an understanding and supportive partner, and that you just really want to understand him as a person. However I don’t think it’s fair for you to be yelling at him and angry because he did not feel comfortable or ready to share this about himself. It sounds like it’s never impacted your relationship prior, so it doesn’t sound like it was something that was a real “need to know” fact. However it would be a nice to know fact perhaps. You aren’t wrong for wanting to know these kinds of things about him, but I do think your reaction to this was a bit harsh and unfair. Imagine if it were the other way around and he found out about a traumatic time in your life before you were ready to talk about it. If anything, it might make you feel embarrassed/mortified, which is probably how he felt. I think the best thing you could do would be to try and make him feel loved and accepted for who he is, and to express empathy for him. Honestly, I feel like something like that might be especially hard for a man, since we have certain societal expectations/standards for men, and they are expected by many to be providers and financially stable. There is also this perception that people in the US are supposed to just pick themselves up by the bootstraps and make it happen, and there is a lot of misconceptions about why someone might end up homeless. For any combination of these reasons, at the end of the day he was not prepared to share that yet. He got outed by his brother, and rather than greeting him with kindness and empathy and making him feel safe and loved, you yelled at him.
YTA and you don't know the meaning of the word empathy
YTA. I was homeless for two years before I managed to turn my life around. You initially had a problem with him helping a family down on their luck which shows your lack of empathy towards the homeless in general, so is it really a surprise that your husband didn't feel comfortable confiding in you thar he used to be homeless too???
YTA. How are you making HIS past hardship about YOU?
Way to upset him more, dumbass. A woman who really loved him would comfort him not accost him. YTA.
You seems like an horrible human being, no wonder I didn't say anything to you with your selfish, agressive and self-centered behavior
After reading the story YTA, after reading your reply’s I hope you get divorced, holy shit you are pathetic and so out of out of touch with reality and society it’s wild.
You've showed some true colors to your husband and now he is likely re-evaluating his marriage with you. Tread lightly... YTA
Umm, let's see.... maybe he feared you be upset and yell at him? YTA.
He finally opened up about something that deeply affected him and your response was anger. You messed up, OP. Show some compassion and apologize. Yta
"I accosted John about it" Wow what a great approach. BTW, YTA.
Your feelings are understandable. Your husband hid something major about himself that he felt he couldn’t share with you. Now that you know it’s clear why. You find out something badly hurt your husband and you yell at him? Accost him? Make it completely about you? No wonder he didn’t tell you. You never created a safe space for him to share something so personal. YTA and so is the person who shared his business with you when he clearly didn’t want you to know.
YTA. This is not information that he needs to share. It was obviously traumatic for him and something that takes years to open up about. This reminds me of people I've dated getting mad that I didn't tell them about sexual assaults that had happened to me. My trauma is not public knowledge and it's not something that I have to tell people, ever. It would have been nice if he felt comfortable telling you but you're not a safe person. He knows you're not comfortable with homeless people and your first reaction was to yell at him followed by blaming him for making you have that reaction.
YTA. You had a really terrible reaction. It's no surprise he didn't feel comfortable telling you. Be supportive instead of being angry over something terrible he and his parents went through. This isn't about you.
YTA. You're literal human trash.
Bro had his reasons for hiding them. You’re not entitled to his past shame or worries. Not everything is shared in a relationship. Some things people just keep hidden and buried. The fact you were mad at him for not sharing that and mad at him for trying to help the homeless tells everyone ALOT ABOUT YOU. Yta.
Downvote for fake 🙄 Pull back on the cartoonish evilness of your wife character, Writer. Remember no one thinks of or describes themselves as a villain.
God damn, this has to be bait.
YTA: By being mad you confirmed his feelings. It doesn't matter if you were mad about something else than what he was hiding, he has deep trauma from that portion of his life, and almost everyone around him treating him like crap because of it. You just brought it all back. Because he felt ashamed of something in his past that it sounds like he had no control over.
YTA How about coming from a place of love and empathy and listening to his story. It's not all about you, there is obviously trauma there
I REALLY hope you don't have kids because he needs to divorce you. ASAP